{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sounds like a date to me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Cookie?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad? Decide!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's a beautiful thing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I have no idea."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All finished!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, please don't spoil all this fun."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, God."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stay out of my freezer!Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That is amazing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, Paul, is it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) \"Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy...\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And yet you're surprisingly upbeat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, how well you know me..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did you make it, or are you just serving it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli-"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica is glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! Yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...Dinah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Boys? We're going in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What does she do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "\"So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, that was really good!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. \"So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "\"Smoke away.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Relax your hand!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not so much!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, now try taking a puff."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, Satan's minions at work again..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And this- is my reward!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so this time I won't quit!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball.."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I personally could have a gallon of Alan."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, this is so unfair!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(returns) Yeah, alright."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You got waaaay too much free time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Happy birthday, pal!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, aren't we Mr. \"The glass is half empty.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eleven days before Halloween.. all the good costumes are gone?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(trying to stop Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(stops) I have no idea."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You got it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking) Oh, this is not that bad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to Joey.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, Bunny?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) Could've been a peach."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He's open!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to the receptionist)'Scuse me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel over and Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (To the waiting room.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns, and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then what?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So in your whole life, you've only been with one聴(He gets a look too)聴oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. (Ross enters off camera)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You gotta do it, man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is Rachel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "To the left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We can? All right, I'm tryin' that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not a one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, right, right, shut up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yuh-huh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwear聴you want it to be dirty?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There you go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where are they? Where are they?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here we go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, Janice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(covering) What... did you get me there?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore. Janice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the eye)... boom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I don't know, a million?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm fine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not fine. Here she comes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How do you do that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We should always always break up together."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm free! I'm free!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, ten o'clock."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you, buddy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'think?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He walks back to the others but she calls him back.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, kids."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who's Rick?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, so you're divorced?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...Hm."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid the fridge.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "God, I love these fingers..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they are."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (He kisses her and pulls her back down.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don't go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to himself) Too bad, she's leaving."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And Andrew is?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, y'know, most women would kill for three guys like us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nono, just you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Lose the other guys."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "C'mon, we're great together, why not?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...The second guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry, the first guy runs the lips."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) \"Big guy?\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Something so sweet and...disturbing about that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, great. This is just..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something... something Goodacre."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make contact, smile!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There you go!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're definitely scaring here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks. (takes phone)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, it's me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I'm fine. (trying to cover up what he is saying) I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(angry) Put Joey on the phone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Um, is it sugarless?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. (Jill gives him a stick of gum, and a strange look) 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(chewing gum) Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's good. It's got a... boyish charm, it's impish. Here we go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth. (Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the wall and slides it back in his mouth.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... (grimacing) ..chewing someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're choking."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(gasping) Yes... thank you. That was... that was...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone... and for saving my life."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes please."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He's a he?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You did?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "WHAT IS IT?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, gorgeous."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, uh... what do you think it is about me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...Quality, right, great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're watching a football game at a funeral?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You are a frightening, frightening man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, no-"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who are those people?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, Lowell."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So how's it going there in Financial Services?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So- you can tell?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you don't think I have a, a quality?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He is?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Out of my league. I could get a Brian. (Brian enters behind him) If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Brian."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you know which one you're gonna be?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good luck, man. I hope you get it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, every single one of them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I thought it was $98.50."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, I'm nine years old."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tonight, on a very special Blossom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, you must stop shooping."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gotten away."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do either of you have the keys?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sarcastic) For an emergency just like this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the door's open. Here we go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now this feels like Thanksgiving."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Shall I carve?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here, here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Might wanna open with the snowman."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Quietly, to the others) That guy's going home with a note!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the pact."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Too many jokes... must mock Joey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aah, y'killing me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I happen to know a Fun Bob."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught him that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a melon..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You remember Janice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Imitating) But you found me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kill me. Kill me now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we-"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry you misunderstood..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, will you give me the thing. (Snatches the camera)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To a woman who he has clearly just met) And then the peacock bit me. (Laughs) Please kiss me at midnight. (She leaves)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And the moment of joy is upon us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. (Makes kiss noise)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You can say that because she's not your mom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Shhh, busy beaming with pride."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now why would she say that's embarrassing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...And then he burst into flames."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know I am."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you guys doing out here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside and shuts the door)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Joey) You knew about this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm still mad at you for not telling me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What was that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's very funny. We done now?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really stupid."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. No. No..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nice save."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pretty good! I told her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no, we're done."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, you're going to have to stop that, forever!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You think?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me a table!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What do you mean, like, buy it together?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You think we're ready for something like that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I mean, what if one of us wants to move out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not moving out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last roommate Kip..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aw, don't do that"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the door)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "More coffee over here, please!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So what are you gonna do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah, you have to tell her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's patio furniture!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(gesturing towards another table) What about the birds?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You pick one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would have liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty look)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, what do you think?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy, it's time for you to swoop in!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wha-"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, get out!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) One more game?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Rachel, wait, wait."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can I just say one thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your... nipular areas."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yes, could I have one of those. (Points)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okaaay, (Gestures) rock, hard place, me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoah whoah, back up there, Sparky. What'd you mean by that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Huh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhhuh, how did you know that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Without looking up) What? (Looks up) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I don't see that happening?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I'm not showing you my 'tat.'"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Sarcastic) Oh, good. Rog is here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I hate that guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh look, it's the woman we ordered."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip, y'know?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "C'mon, I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not followed by \"No thanks, it's late.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, Kicky. What're you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you're gonna."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you're not him. You're you. When they were all over you to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say \"No thanks, I'm married.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. I really do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Get off!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Comes out of his room) What? What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry, my my thing was in there with me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Basically we just feel that he's..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Things sure have changed here on Waltons mountain."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Any contact?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian聴I don't think we need a third..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think it's winning."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, uh, listen, about tonight..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! Way to go, man! (Chandler and Ross hug. Something crunches in Ross' shirt pocket.) Still got the egg, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, uh, I... don't... care. (Joey's date shows up) Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...And what did you bring?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Janice?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(angrily) Hey, it's Janice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last five months!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. (gets up right behind Joey and yells in his ear) Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's OK."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(disgusted) What? What can't you do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tell me it's \"you and me\" we."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, you can not do this to me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I hope she throws up on you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, what a crappy night!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excuse me. (gets up, jumps up and down while he zips his zipper up... other patrons look at him) How ya doin'?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You got it. Good woman! (the waiter turns around, it's a man) Could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. (to Janice) I've always wanted to know..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, well, this was very special."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Janice is gonna go away now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, good, Joey's home now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, Just Janice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. (reading the candy) Chan and Jan Forever."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things are gonna work out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(surprised) It is?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no, you see, actually it is."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, no I don't."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I did, but..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Call me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So.... I quit."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just know I'm not going to figure it out working there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can you see my nipples through this shirt?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the \"a-gogo.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you guys all know what you want to do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who are you going out with?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And he's not speaking metaphorically."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) \"You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing something...something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. (dead silence) Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(smiling)....with??"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Again?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(walks away from window) OK, that's enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is great! (he presses a button on his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a moment?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you Helen, that'll be all."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Last time I do that, I promise."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler and Joey"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's nice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you crazy? That's a baby!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, only if you order stuff."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There it is! So what're you gonna do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And your friend Phoebe?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, what have we learned so far?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Reading) \"Happy Birthday Peehe.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did you see Betty?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, you think I would."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's up with the simian?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, you got zero points for 'IDNEY'."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We think he was trying to spell out 'MONKEY.'"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So, you feel like a dad yet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pudo aver sido General Tso! (It could've been General Sal!)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...little playthings with yarn?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Could you want her more?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sarcastically) Dee, the sarcastic sister from Whats Happening."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We're not聴we're not saying anything."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to the girls) We were playing poker, alright..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And then he did."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There just don't happen to be any women in our games."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(teaching) OK, so now we draw cards."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK Phoebs, how many do you want?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(changing subject) OK, so at this point, the dealer..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson. (holds up two cards) Joey... three... eight. Eight... three. (Joey is unamused) Alright babe, deal the cards."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Rach, Rach, we gotta settle."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The... Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, King George is giving us the land, so..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel' pizzeria?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bart speech? (mimicking): \"When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like, uh, I don't know... Pictionary?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way I can break 'em up with a movie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Couldn't be more out. (throws in cards)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I've had dates like this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Call."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross): What do you need, what do you need?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, here's ten. (gives it to him)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good luck."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross): I thought we had them!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Airplane! Airport! Airport '75! Airport '77! Airport '79!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Toootal chick-flick."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They're still just friends, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe we are even having this discussion."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened already?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Rachel lost Marcel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Marcel?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Marcel?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Um, we're kind of having an emergency and we-we were looking for something..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes have you seen any?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... mileu."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! And they're very hot."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Marcel?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eh. I thought that was an alp."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe you would actually say that. I would much rather be Mr.Peanut than Mr.Salty."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I feel violated. And not in a good way."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play any games..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? (The girls make disgusted noises.) It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? (To the guys) I'm right, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. (Calls her, then hurriedly hangs up.) I got her machine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase \"Yes indeedy-o.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(bluffing) And basically, that's how a bill becomes a law."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Rach!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I have my reasons."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone, reading from a script) Oh, Danielle! I wasn't expecting the machine... Give me a call when you get a chance. (Rattles some dishes) Bye-bye. (Hangs up.) Oh God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, I've been honing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a restaurant.. y'know? I might have some kind of life, like I haven't been sitting around here honing for the past few hours."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can I use your phone?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'don't think that makes me seem a little..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She answered."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my message and is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If it helps, I could slide over."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello? Hello?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So how's Mindy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hell is filled with people like you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...And boogie!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't call her, I left a message! I have some pride."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! (Calls) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's Chandler! (Listens) I'm fine. Uh, listen, I don't know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut off my phone. (Listens) Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great. (Listens) Okay. (Puts down the phone.) (to Monica) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back. (He starts doing a little jig.) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "'S'why I'm dancing..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ring dammit, ring!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(investigating) I turned it off. Mother of God, I turned it off!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nngghhh!!!!!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle, everybody."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you doing here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...I'm, I'm okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That sounds good. I'll call you- or you call me, whatever..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...I dunno."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, she seems very nice and everything, but that whole thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see if I was okay? I mean,... how needy is that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that's what we said about Joey..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How about Joey... Pepponi?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey... Switzerland?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it does not ring a bell with me..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Might wanna try Joseph."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So what does this mean?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...Take off their hats!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're kidding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, you'd think I would've."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...He's in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tell me what?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sarcastically) Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won't look at me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "More importantly, was I any good?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm allways surprisingly inadequate. (Monica pats him on his lap)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're okay there?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody else's subconscious."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello Rachel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pirates again?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sarcasticly) Thanks Joey, that's a good idea."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. (Ross looks at her.) It's a whole big boob story."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "When we were?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can you hear that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See that'll stop when you pick up the phone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, now, I actually have to get to work."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye bye."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(answering it) Yes?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh. (leans against the desk)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Noho. Who doesn't they like me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you talking about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't belive it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They do me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't sound like that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not true."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tyrannosaurus!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Work people? Nobody told me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You think I should?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then, I don't get it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I just wan't to..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But I just wa..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by nine o'clock."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You have to give 'em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna be working this weekend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look what I've got going here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, like in a cab..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, hating this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here we go, here we go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You have to pick your moments."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I used to have that bumper sticker."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Rachel) You see what I mean."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You'll get one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(trapped) Uh, uh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No reason. (turns around, makes an 'Oh my God' gesture with his eyes)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where have you been?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mazel tov!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) You are really frightening me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. (they pull her hand off of him) Uh, that's great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to nurse) Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, I still am one of these."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this. (Does a baseball sign.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is seated)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sigh)... And where's this money coming from? (gives money to Joey)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(in a deep voice) Men are here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Crazy bitch."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Forget about her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Course there, they just call it food."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here is from me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that's Ross's."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(panicked) ahem... um... Crystal duck."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK, is there a mute button on this woman?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(quickly) H-He's in China!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What about the time difference?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! (Rachel walks towards door) You're never gonna make it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well then maybe you shouldn't go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, big..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(quietly) ...spender."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So how'd it go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn't know you had another level."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No way!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, Rach, can I get..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not yet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "God?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, maybe it was God, doing me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you owe me one, big guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He said...he said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself! Without any outside help whatsoever."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You have to really wanna see it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hi. Anybody know a good tailor?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What stupid thing did you do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "People do stupid things when they're upset."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "At least as long as I have the pants."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, angry) Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? (Pause) Your tailor is a very bad man!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey's tailor...took advantage of me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Cupping."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's ok."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, it's... (sees the feeding taking place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. (Goes into the kitchen)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, uh, how often can you do it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, sweetums."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What did you just do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What did you just do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Howdy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(slides the juice across the counter which Joey catches) What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pours more and slides the refill to Joey) All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I broke up with her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You or me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maureen Rosilla."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, Phoebe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, look at this. \"My Big Book of Grievances.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, he looks so normal."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Funniest? Heckles?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it \"supposably\"?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How do you know that? How?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I understand."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone) Hi, it's me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, my, god!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Janice, you're--"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is it--?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Congratulations."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Neat. I'm gonna die alone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. \"Run away from Crazy Snake Man,\" they'll shout!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "In a bad way?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa! Don't know about that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll take that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Takin' that with you, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure. (My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn't know it was a big secret."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You bitch."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey was in a porno movie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls... funny."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, Julie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nice work my friend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I got the time to get to know Julie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm goin' home."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there. (phone rings)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bob here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone) What've you been up to?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. (to Ross) I love her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok. Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look guys, I know it's a little steep."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But it's Ross."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I think I might just."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We don't know Bob, ok? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoever stood you up is a jerk."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. (to Ross) I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's number."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I will have the uh, Cajun catfish."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You can tell us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We can talk about that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Together."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Gee, Monica, what's in the bag?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in the hall."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! The Blowfish!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why did you look at me when you said that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bob here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, uh, you met someone, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, uh, how was he?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that makes me feel so good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, let's go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them for us to leave now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe the guys missed this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we really missed you guys."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. Joey, she does not look fat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We'll watch him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You understood that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is he the one with the beautiful wife?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I got him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, seriously you want him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, we are great guys."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You done?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, sure, they love us over there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Please tell me you know which one is our baby."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, call it in the air."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Heads it is."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We have to assign heads to something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's not crying."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You, you are gonna love this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And twenty-five it is."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's in the bag?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who said anything about Christmas?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So whaddya got there Monica?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab... hop in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2 hours to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eeeshk."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK. [reads paper] Brake left, gas right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[grabs for seat belt] Where's my seat belt?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[Chandler gets in the back seat] Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, so that's what this is for."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, we're gettin' closer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, so why not go knock?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe hug, Monica and Rachel hug, Chandler is left standing]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK, Phoebs, your turn."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And, a lemon lime."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And last but not least."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[singing to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood] Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa, she's pretty."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, ok."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nice!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Believe me, sometimes that happens."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kinda true."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[to an attractive woman] I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? [The woman walks away]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[to the woman who just rejected him] All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people. [She walks away again."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Isn't Ben in this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat... all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Rhythm?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The one time they're not home."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, she looks the exact opposite of that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Very informative!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahhhh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, yes, yes it is."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh uh, o, OK."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, uh, let's try one more... there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No one was around to hear that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Like, when you're cooking a steak."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK, then, eat me, I'm done."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You want me to wear your panties?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?... You're swell."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm hangin in... and a little out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe we're doing this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Huh? Where, whaddya mean?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What, what's what you mean?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not exactly... I'm wearin panties."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, this is the first time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, you don't have to see."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, one of you give me your underpants."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How can you not be wearing any underwear?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How long you been waitin' to say that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey. Hold on a second. [shoots a goal] Huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. What is this for?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, I don't know what to say. [opens the box and pulls out an incredibly gaudy gold bracelet] Wow, I, I don't know what to say."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know. It's a bracelet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[reads] To my best bud. [puts it back in the case] Thanks best bud."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, now? [puts it in his desk drawer] No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. [sets a chair in front of the drawer]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I so am."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... ya know, make a little love... well pretty much get down tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, she's goin' somewhere."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you feelin' better?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ya know, the man's got a point. [gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That thing, it's a uhh... yeah it's, it's a little flashy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I'm alright, thanks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[walks over to the woman] I know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler. [waves his arm around, exposing the bracelet]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? [realizes it was the bracelet] Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace house of crap."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that... [turns around and sees Joey] Hi. Hey man, we were just doin' some uhh, impressions over here. Do your Marcel Marceau. [Joey turns around and walks out without saying anything] That's actually good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin? [Joey doesn't respond] Wow, you are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? [Throws a basketball to Joey. Joey doesn't move to catch it and the ball takes out a lamp] OK, that's my bad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, doesn't the fact that I wore the bracelet even though I hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door] Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my... [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now... [Joey returns to his room]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the bar]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey walks in behind him]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well this one's for you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey] it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading bracelet] best buds."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's what they'll call us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Work on your music?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sweet mother of all that is good and pure."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Congratulations!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So uh, which one is mine?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[sits down] Ohh yes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[reaches for the footrest lever] Do we dare?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Woah, hey, yo. [Rachel and Ross move]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, yo. [they move from out of in front of the TV]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll cancel the sodas."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You got a Cheeto on your face man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So how'd it go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's the Miracle Wax."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Could you get us a couple of beers?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, woah, hey, woah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She's one of us now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well maybe he was nervous."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Waaa-aaah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, this is a great apartment."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[being left behind] Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well then maybe you should take it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine with me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah me too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. So do we need to hug here or..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So I got ya something. [tosses Joey a bag of plastic spoons]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Lick away my man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no, I mean what, what's this about your new place?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I didn't think that was serious. [grabs the spoons back] Ya know I thought that was just a fight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, there you go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I did pay for half of it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stop talkin' to your men. [Joey scores]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Congratulations. [Chandler leaves]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time... [Chandler gives him a look] except when we are here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[quietly] Yeah, I remember."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, whaddya say boys, should I call him? [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks] Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah well, I hear the place looks great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's right my friend. It's time for..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Blepe?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So uhh, how's the palace?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some news."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, uh, why don't you ask him yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... have it to spare."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Morning."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh it's uh, over there on the table."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, Eddie likes to keep it over there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, ooh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See ya. [Eddie leaves]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I couldn't be happier."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There's another carton right over there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, so what's it about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I like both eggs equally."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[stares in disbeliefe] Yeah o-, OK, alright. [oven timer goes off] Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don't like that show?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh o-, OK man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[reluctantly sings] You're obviously not their favorite pet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "God that is good TV."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebs, play with meeee."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No he's, he's alright, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We don't need to remedy that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was so lame."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well it's not Sean Penn."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a fishtank?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, oh, c'mon in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bit country? C'mon in here you roomie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, we gettin' a fish?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Buddy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There was no fish when she dropped it off."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie...[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder] Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We're worried about you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We came over as soon as we saw."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's gonna be ok. You know that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhhhaahh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah alright. What're these, raisins?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[throws it across the room while Eddie's not looking] Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[looks in the fish bowl to see a fish cracker] Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, good night. [walks towards his room] You big freak of nature."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doin' here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't sleep now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, look, that's it, it's over, I want you out, I want you out of the apartment now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn't realize that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "GET OUT NOW!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes please."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I want you out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where did you hear it from before?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're you still doin' here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look you have to help me out here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your last roommate's kidney?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Daaahhhh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uuuh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You, move out. Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-huh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You want some help."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[enters] Ding dong, the psycho's gone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Our next cocktail party?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eddie, do you remember yesterday?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you remember talking to me yesterday?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So what happened?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh sweet Moses."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "May I help you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm, I'm sorry...[Eddie forces his head in the door] Ahhh. Have we met?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I, I'm sorry, I uh [unchains the door and opens it all the way] I already have a roommate. [Joey turns around in the leather recliner]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I, I think we'd remember something like that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See ya. [shuts the door] Goodbuy you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you unpack your stuff?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Welcome home man. [they hug and jump around]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Absolutely."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah that's a cantelope."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm gonna hold him a different way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog. "}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, how do you find clothes that fit?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. [starts poking Monica in the shoulder] 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, that's Eric."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know, Richard's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old [Monica gives him a glare] -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, this could be tough."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh, you almost had it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your boyfriend is so cool."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're welcome. Hey Joey, thanks for parking the car [passes the dollar back]."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think they get it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There's the man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Just tryin' somethin' here, ya know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, didn't he tell ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You hear that? We're the guys."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[runs in] Hey, big guy, game time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, yeah, I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kick save and... denied."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See, that's why we don't let her play."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No no, seriously, Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're not a dad. You're not a dad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe you got us into trouble. [slaps Joey on the arm. Joey takes exception and slaps him back]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Man, I am so beat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you just wanna forget about raquetball and hang out here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No actually, I was just going for colorful."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What just happened?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That, that is funny. Can I have it back?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohhh [turns as if to hug someone] Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don't play with his things."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You had to ask."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think you played the Gunther card too soon."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your cappucino sir."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, hang on a second there Custer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Would you come on! Come on! [waitress brings their coffee] Thank you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, there we go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You burn your mouth?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bullies, big bullies."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, we're standing out ground...apparently."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, let's do this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok. [reaches in his pocket]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff! [some guy runs off with the hat]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok so, can I have my hat back?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Huh. [reaches over and grabs the hat and bolts for the door but slips and falls behind the couch]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Guys guys, check this out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why her mom?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excuse me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, basically just a Chinese guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes because uh, you look so young."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "NO! No, I'll take that for ya."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why again?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright you guys are off to party number one [ushers 3 guys into Monica's apartment] and you, you are off to party number two [ushers four women into his apartment. Two guys try to follow and Chandler blocks them and shoos them off to Monica's apartment] Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, they're coming, shhh. [Runs into Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to his apartment]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, we could count again."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, are you gonna be ok?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, actually just one birthday flan."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Volleyball."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, that's me. [runs back]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[running out of his apartment after a girl] Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. [sits down beside Rachel] Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry, we're on a major flan high."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, you can have it. [He licks it and offers it to her.]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was there when I got here. [Takes a bite of his muffin."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Had it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what you're doing, hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was just telling Joey about the opening in Fleischman's group."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, how's the first day goin'?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well there you go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Weird world. Your kids?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ya know there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, if you say so sir."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm going to kill you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, that's it. Look Joey, I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I could just fire Joseph, I would, but unfortunately that's not possible so I'm gonna have to let both of you go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't, I hate Joseph, ok. I think he's a brown-nosing suck up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh well it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No freakshow, she's fictional."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "'Cause he was just so darn cute."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, what did your agent say?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I'll be using his dead body as a shield."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I may have."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I like this girl, okay, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well she totally called me on it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's like this, me, no jokes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, no means no!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim (sp?, I'm not an art guy) museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shyly) It means we're holding hands."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm afraid I might just be."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How do you not fall down more?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right. (reading her answer) \"My husband is sleeping with his secretary.\" She's married!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe she's married."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I'll do it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where is she, Where is she? (grabs Rachel) Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(noticing a beautiful blond walking in) Ooh, oh, oh, that's her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God! (it's Janice)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Huh. (They all leave, dejected)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Morning."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can not believe that I am going out with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nope, not this time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not yanking you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I know. She makes me happy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up with her! (they stare at each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Of!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, Janice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, there you go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at him) Don't worry, those are the right letters."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I want you to say that you like her!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks for trying. (grabs the ticket and starts to leave) Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Umm, yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We're not gonna talk about girth are we?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! All right! You go first."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Princess Leia in the gold bikini."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know. You know...(Ross just stares at him). You don't know!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You said..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you guys doing together?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You still can't stand her can you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a shot."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I guess that's something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Taste it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, mister tux!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (they don't move)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. (to Joey) Get up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're in my seat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "'Cause I was sitting there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. (yells at Joey) GET UP!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: Get Up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really old."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. (holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face) Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! (Joey flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry Phoebe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. (sits on Joey's lap) I'm soooo, comfortable."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right! (jumps up)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! (leaves)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his daughter's."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, \"Get out of my chair, dillhole!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The cushions are the essence of the chair!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We used them as pillows when we went camping."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shyly) The sheep."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He took my essence!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He's got nothing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you supporting?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They got a phone in there, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that? (Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oooo-ooh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Jeez, what a baby."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stop it. Stop it! (Monica runs into the living room, and starts dialing the phone)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excuse me. Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, your kind of sitting in my seat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I mean, I was sitting there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But, I never left the room!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, that's it, give me your underwear."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because the kids need new shoes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do I look fat?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so you both just know this stuff?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's easy, baggage claim."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you Rachel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. (they both notice where his hands are)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, the old hug and roll."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, one question."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're pretending the pillow's a girl right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Umm, not feeling better 'bout Malcom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked (holds up one hand), or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, your gonna need much bigger jars."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That, that's what's stupid."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Night-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him self) 'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!' (Pulls his arm out from under her and she is spun off of the bed.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean there's more than one of us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And that's how you bought it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure. What's up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it's official there are no good movies."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, man. What's up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is anybody else scared?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering with his ringing phone) Joe. Joe! Answer the phone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see her tonight. (phone stops ringing) Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Noo."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!'"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses his train of thought, temporarily) that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do we have any...(turns around and bumps Monica's fake chest) Do we have any thoughts here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You think?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this. (hands her a present)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. (gives her a drawer) See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It doesn't scare me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!! (Janice leaves, Chandler then calls Janice to leave a message on her machine) Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. (runs out the door)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then I got all needy and clingy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She said she'd call me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh God."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This ice cream tastes like crap by the way."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, you don't think I'm terminal?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, okay. So, should I call her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So I'm not, not gonna lose her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?'"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(in a British accent) Hello, Janice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(in accent) Oh, just a bit of shopping. How've you been?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(normal voice) No. Not anymore."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a party. (grabs a bag off of the shelf)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here in Chelsea."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A woman's"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shyly) Chelsea."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can I be that guy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for the good ice cream now, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(answering phone) Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. (to Monica and Rachel) Okay, what do I do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you, stop naming dwarves! (on phone) Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I know I've been acting a really weird lately. And, it's just because I'm crazy about you, and I just got...stupid, and, and scared, and....stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry. (listens) Really?! (listens) Really?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone) I love you too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re building a post office?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (notices that Joey is wearing some really tight jeans) My word! Those are snug."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can聮t get mad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Peter Parker."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(coughing) What a geek!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We don聮t, really."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, we don聮t really take advantage of living in the city."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, you didn聮t get me!! It聮s an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I do NOT want this unit!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine! (goes into his room and slams the door, then he slams the bottom half of the door.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eh, y'know what, she聮s to political, she probably wouldn聮t let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she聮s too international, y'know she聮s never gonna be around."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who聮s gonna be in the country like all the time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Have you seen Joey?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, just this! (turns around and has a paint lid stuck to the back of his pants.) Y聮know what it聮s my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s going on?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He started mine first!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What, like a number?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi! Bye! (runs to the bathroom)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, on three. One....Two...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why two?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this 聭two聮 talk."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, one...two..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, good job Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea. How-how 聭bout it blocks none of mine door and a lot of yours? (throws his shoulder into the center to try and move it, but it doesn聮t move.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Umm?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ve got five bucks says you can聮t."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I think I have the cash."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, you got me. (picks up a 2x4 and puts it through the handles so that the doors won聮t open) I聮m out five big ones! (puts the money in the crack between the door and frame) Here you go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, with a goatee) Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m never gonna find a roommate, ever."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well let聮s see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that聮s plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing! Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I聮m not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone 聭Chandler Bing,聮 he said 聭Whoa-whoa, short message.聮"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Umm, how聮s it going with you guys?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do ya do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, that is cool. Because I have models here y'know......never."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think you聮re chances are pretty good. (Eric offers to shake hands) All right. (Chandler hugs him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(running around the apartment pointing out things) Bedroom. Bathroom. Living room. This right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, (opens door) Bye-bye."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure. Ummm. What聮s up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What gay thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping by."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, Mon."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do I ever."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No way!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out now?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to bartender) Can I get a beer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You betcha!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Um-mm, yeah right!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes, and that聮s what I want a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but after that, we聮re shootin聮 some pool."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excuse, I seem to have dropped my ball."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(picks it up) And now I聮ve picked it up again. (walks over to Monica.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(leaving to go to work) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, don聮t thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So ah, whatcha watching?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s it about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it sounds kinda stupid... (looks at the TV) Who聮s she?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! Look at them run."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮ll go get one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, hello!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you have any beers? We聮re out of beers."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Noo!! You don聮t have a boyfriend because....I don聮t, I don聮t know why you don聮t have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-ho, come here. (goes and hugs her) Listen, you are one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman I聮ve ever known in real life."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Umm, this is nice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it a hundred percent cotton?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Anyway, I should go, one of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, that sounds great. (starts to leave) Oh, and listen, it聮s, it聮s gonna be...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross-Joey, Joey-Ross. (they shake hands)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t believe you came back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Janice) Don聮t look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What a wank!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(leaning in) I聮ll go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See, that聮s why I could never be an actor. Because I can聮t say gig."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Knock, knock."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, I聮m going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (to Monica) It聮s a racecar."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, well it this bed isn聮t new, how come there is plastic on the mattress?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You told him to play the boxer gay!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You totally screwed him over."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good lookin聮! (honks the bed聮s little horn on the steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All right, I聮ll leave. My bed聮s so boring."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I will have one. (Ross and him both take one.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I聮m not gonna have one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right I聮ll have one. (he and Ross take another brownie,)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See that is the problem with invisible dentists."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist聮s blouse."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Janice聮s birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s a good idea, 聭Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday聮. I would like to get her something serious."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right. Look, I聮m gonna go in here, and you don聮t buy me anything ever. (starts to go into the store)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What is the thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shocked) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well she, she wouldn聮t do that, she聮s with, she聮s with me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well, you聮re wrong! Okay, you聮re wrong."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, I don聮t know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You tell me! Maybe, it聮s because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey told me, he saw you two kissing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! In his office! How many kisses were there?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no kissing!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(giving her a bag) Here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are you finished with him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do you still love him? (Janice shakes her head yes) Do you still love me? (Janice shakes her head yes) All right look, (grabs the bag) I聮m gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me? (his phone starts to ring)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I talked to Janice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She doesn聮t know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can聮t even return them, because she choked on the reciept!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know, y'know. What, what, would you do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on, tell me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are you, what are you talking about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it聮s, it聮s, it聮s not gonna be easy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think you should go back with Gary. I don聮t wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know 聭You聮re the reason, you are the reason why their not together.聮 and I hated that guy. And it didn聮t matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well. It聮s the right thing to do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then don聮t leave me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No you don聮t! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohhh. Don聮t go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. No! No! No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t care! (turns around and to the people watching them) I don聮t care!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You can聮t leave! I have your shoe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(singing) I聮ll hold you close in my arms. (Phoebe enters) I can聮t resist your charms. And love...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll be a fool for you. I聮m sure, you know I don聮t mind."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(high pitched) No you know I don聮t mind."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! You mean the world the world to me. Oh..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ve found."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...in you, my endless (Phoebe goes high pitched, Chandler goes low pitched) love. (they both look at each other.) My endless love. (once again they don聮t match tones, and they just look at each other)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no, I don聮t, I don聮t really wanna play."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don聮t say that I don聮t have goals!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, all right, I聮ll play."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no, you say that proudly."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And was the curse lifted?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won聮t let me cross the street."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And then Tineals."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! Just like in the pros."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice. (goes to kick the ball but kicks Ross聮s foot instead.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry. I聮m sorry. Y'know what, we聮re just gonna throw it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no, actually losers rhyme."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(coming up under center, just like a real quarterback does, and puts his hands between Ross聮s legs.) Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! (Ross stands up and looks at him) You wanna go shotgun?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(from the shotgun) Hike!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great! Now, the score is 7 to almost 7."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no, no, no!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(running up) Hey Joey, do you wanna play football or you wanna.. (sees Marhan) Hi, I聮m Chandler."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mar-haaaan."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! Why don聮t you stick around. You can sit right there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that went well."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I was thinking about ah, asking her for her number."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking about y'know for me, as a part of that whole getting over Janice thing you were talking about."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks. What, let me have her?! What do mean? Like if you didn聮t I wouldn聮t have a shot?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Math!! You聮re giving me math! All right, look y'know what, forget about it, you go for the girl, we聮ll see who gets her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well now you have two. Hey, I am good at math."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Well, I聮ve been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that聮s mean!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Before!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Margha) Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no, the game聮s not over, we聮re just switching teams."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine with me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you don聮t you have Captain Hook explain it to her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You hear that! That is her chose, mister I聮ll let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! (does the wave.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wh-what?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what, it doesn聮t matter, 聭cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We聮re not gonna lose to girls."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, okay, so we get to take that stupid troll thing home!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny thing. Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so you聮re five feet short, so we win!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Guys! Guys! Come on! It聮s Thanksgiving, it聮s not important who wins or loses. The important thing is, (to Joey) the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(reading the comics) Eh..., I don聮t, I don聮t know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(thinks about it) Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excuse me little one, I have a very solid backhand."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was shrieking... like a Marine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(reading the paper) Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. (to Ross) Where exactly were around ten-ish?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look out kids, he聮s coming! (Ross continues to leave with his head down in shame.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it聮s the only chance to see New York."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, do you have any coconut flavoured deities?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He聮s right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because, I聮m too afraid."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, that聮d be much worse than being 28, and still working here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) Does this mean we聮re gonna have to start paying for coffee? (Joey shrugs his shoulders.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I spelled out boobies."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, how many have you sold so far?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God, how did you do that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me! On my computer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Something else I might have said?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You-you-you don聮t wanna give into the fear."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Run, Joey! Run for your life! (runs out)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Rachel, who聮s entering) Hey! How聮d the interview go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well seeing that drunk Santa wet himself, really perked up my Christmas."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s like 聭Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.聮"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure, everybody loves a kidder."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered tea?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m an alien. I聮m an alien."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I just saw Janice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kid聮s pretzel at them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, y'know what, I聮m gonna be okay, you don聮t have to throw a party for me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, it聮s supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello-dillillio!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Monica) Take off your shirt!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to make."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Monica) Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi Joey聮s sisters!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I聮m taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no, no, it聮s a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can聮t we savor the precious moments? (to one of Joey聮s sisters) Those are some huge breasts you have."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, my apartment isn聮t there anymore, because I drank it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ow, no 聭woo-hooing,聮 no 聭woo-hooing.聮"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, I fooled around with Joey聮s sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, that聮s not the worst part."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t remember which sister."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! You don聮t think I thought of that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Monica) You see you can聮t tell which one is which either, dwha!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Veronica. Look, it聮s got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, when I聮ve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I聮m sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why can聮t we talk in here? With, with, witnesses."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s gotta be the first one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yep, I聮m in a tree."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that聮s the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually I聮ll be in Cuba."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shocked) Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m here to see Mary-Angela."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where聮s Mary-Angela?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This teramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it聮s, it聮s yummy. So Mary-Angela do you like it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So um, Mary-Angela, what聮s your second favorite?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Would you just please....give me the receipt 聭cause this is great. It聮s top notch."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So will I."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesn聮t mean anything."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Will you excuse me I have to um..... (walks to the hall)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(startled) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I may have jumped the gun here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and I聮m not really in a, in a commitment kind of place."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahhhh, you聮re not Mary-Angela."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is so bad. If-if you聮re not Mary-Angela, then-then who is?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, this is soo bad. (doesn聮t see Mary-Angela)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No Joey! No Joey! Don聮t Joey! Joey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pats him on the shoulder) You聮re it! Now run and hide!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I wasn聮t sure which one Mary-Angela was. (all of Joey聮s sisters gasp) Look, I聮m sorry okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really similar."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what, we should all calm down because your brother聮s not going to punch me. (to Joey) Are ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, you聮re my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, absolutely!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮ve got it. (he starts to look at his sister聮s, but he still doesn聮t know which one is Mary-Angela.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?! (Cookie punches him)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don聮t worry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your wearing that towel dress."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the botanist."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Phoebe) It must take you forever to find your keys."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) Hey, so can you make it on Friday?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well apparently Albert has no friends. He's very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! (pause) Don't cry outloud."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll get you the Cliff Notes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The abridgment."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no, no, no, no."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, I have to get that, but no-no. (answering phone) Hello? (listens) (happily) Hi! Yeah listen, I'm, I'm in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that. (listens) Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred? (listens) So would I, would I have to provide the grapes?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, we have our stripper. A miss Crystal Chandelier."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "To yourself. (finishing) Hey-hey-hey, y'know what that's pretty good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye-bye."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What, what, what?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You really think that is what he meant?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did that. All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.'"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He paints quite a picture doesn't he?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. (holds up a pen) See, she's fully dressed, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then, and then you click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's walking down the street, she's window shopping, and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she's naked! (Rachel just stares at him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen is kinda getting boring, so can you pick me up some porn?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Man, I gotta get a kid. (looks at the pen and starts laughing)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, baby!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Making chocolate milk. Do you want some?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now she聮s celebrating that by going on a date with him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Robert) So ah, isn聮t a bit cold out for shorts?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flames."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(standing up) I聮m up! I聮m up, I聮ve gotten up now! Anybody ah, want anything?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay Ross, why don聮t you come with me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Robert聮s coming out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. He.....he聮s coming out of his shorts."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The man is showing brain."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) Wellll?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What do we do? What do we do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Like an eclipse."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your liking it, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, actually Laurie聮s a boy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean a three pointer?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sorry, I聮m sorry, it just seems that Robert isn聮t as concealed in the shorts area, as ah, one may have hoped."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hmmm, that聮s very cool."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t believe she cracked your code!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, Beth doesn聮t die, she doesn聮t die. Does she Rachel?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We can聮t tell him, you can聮t go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his.... stuff."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we got, um-hmm."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I like her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that聮s pretty much all I聮m looking for from these people."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I聮d like know whether that聮s several big fish or just one big fish."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called 聭wait until the last moment before I burst and die.聮"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Jeez, man did you fall..(sees it聮s a beautiful woman coming out of the men聮s room) Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Gunther) Y'know what Gunther, go ah, go ahead, I聮m-I聮m talking to ah, (tries to get her to say her name). (to her) This is the part where you say your name."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ginger. I聮m talking to Ginger, so...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nope, nope, I聮d just ah, I聮d rather talk to you. (pause) Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom. (knocks on the door)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that聮s the best kiss I聮ve had with anyone I聮ve ever met in a men聮s room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sees her foot is in a slush puddle) Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we聮re gonna have to get you out of those shoes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, really you聮re gonna freeze."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re not, what do you, what do you got a bionic foot?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great. It was great. She聮s ah, she聮s great, great looking, great personality, she聮s greatness."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey told you about the leg, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I know it shouldn聮t have, but it did. I mean I like her, I don聮t want to stop seeing her, but every so often it聮s like 聭Hey, y'know what, where聮s your leg?聮 I mean I聮m the smallest person in the world aren聮t I? I聮m the smallest person in the world."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Monica) Actually he聮s the smallest person in the world."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It came up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. No. I don聮t think so."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s-that聮s my nubbin."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... (starts to kiss her again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, happily) Well hello!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The doctor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was an obvious joke, and I didn聮t think of it. Why didn聮t I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey, does anybody need anything copied? I聮m going down to the Xerox place."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay listen, just give me anything I can make two of."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! You wanna come?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on Chloe! Finish up with your customer first. Come on Chloe! Come on Chloe!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) Okay, that hurt us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well ah, ........y'know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, rock on. (Does the 聭Hang 10聮 sign, then hides his face in shame.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, y'know what, maybe we should get going. I mean what time did Chloe say we should be there?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What time is it now?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah all right, so we聮ll hang out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. Vividly."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I-I-I think so. (Pauses and thinks about it for a second) Yeah, I-I think so..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Yeah, I mean what, what would we do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She was kidding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She was.... But y'know what, just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Good call, nice one. Hold it!! Hold it! What if me eyes are closed, and, and my hand is out there.... (holds his arm out and pretends to grab something with his hand.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right. Right. Well ah, y'know we could flip for it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well it you don聮t know that, then I don聮t want to do this with you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And that聮s the only colour that comes in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, what are you doing here? I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, no way! Come on, this is you guys, call her and work it out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, this isn聮t like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know that whole swimming thing is a myth."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why? What happened to him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God! Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question. How dumb are you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He聮s right. Nobody聮s gonna benefit, and you聮re just gonna hurt her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing聮s right. And that聮s what deathbeds are for."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac聮s sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe聮s friends with Rachel. And that聮s the trail, I did it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Off?!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well I don聮t think you can make that statement, unless you聮ve been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that聮s mature."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nothing, nothing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) He has sex, and we get hit in our heads."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She was not good. Not good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, never cheat on Rachel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more important things to worry about."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(handing Monica the wax) Wax the door shut, we聮re never leaving, ever."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh great, food with hair on it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because that would be crazy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, come on, it聮s Ross and Rachel, they聮ve got too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you actually saying these words?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let聮s go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) Is that your new walk?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is the New York Times."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We are. He聮s meeting us here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? Rachel came over to borrow something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what this is like? This is like when my parents got divorced. Man, I hope Ross doesn聮t try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what maybe it聮s gonna be okay, I mean it聮s been a week."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, yes, it聮s just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made plans with Ross."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, he聮s really excited about it too, he even recorded show times on his answering machine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I聮m, I聮m smoking still."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I聮m telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which is when I started smoking in the first place."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeahhh. I聮m tellin聮 ya something, that ah, first smoke after nap time...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that聮s great, with my luck, that聮s gonna be him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism. (answers the door and it聮s Rachel again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, shut up!! You聮re not my real Mom!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, then, I might as well offer to stay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) Well he聮s probably mad after you called him this morning to borrow his goggles."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Beam me up Jesus."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, come on, there聮s a rest stop right up there! Come on, I really have to goooooooooo."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here we go. Okay, brace yourselves."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) My lighter聮s in there! (points to the cab)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Damn! (stands up) The tailpipe聮s not hot enough to light this!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ladies, ladies, let聮s just compromise okay? Phoebe, Rachel take off Monica聮s bra."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, now let聮s decide who has the nicest ass."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "At least let me smoke it to the good part."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I have the lung capacity of a two year old. (starts to light another cigarette.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well it聮s very unsettling."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no, now it聮s not gonna make any sense!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, this is horrible, it聮s just horrible."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I wasn聮t gonna ask you that, no."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s horrible."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what, I can handle it, handle聮s my middle name. Actually it聮s the ah, middle part of my first name."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Guys, guys, guess who I am?! (starts dancing around in an effort to stop the fighting.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no, why don聮t you hang on to that one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, that聮s like the least fun game ever."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh. (takes the cassette and puts it on his arm like the stop smoking patch, and it falls off.) Nope, that patch is no good. (Joey and Monica both do their fake laughs.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Or what my Father called Thursday night."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I would聮ve bet good money that he聮d be the first one of us to get married."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Always illegal Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If that doesn聮t keep kids in school, what will?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, carrying a briefcase) Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago? I just carry it around. Do you have any Chap Stick?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what, pretty good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good! I haven聮t smoked yet today, I feel great, and-and-and confident, that is a stunning blouse."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What check thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(reading the check) Pete Becker. Pete聟 (quickly grabs a magazine and opens it up to show her a picture) (pointing to the picture) Is this him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who聮s he huggin聮?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses that program!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There you go!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to the girls who are staring at him) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(in a feminine way) Oh my God! (and he jumps all around)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner, does not mean you owe him anything."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, then get the lobster!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s possible. You are very loveable, I聮d miss you if I broke up with you. (Ross glares at him) I was just trying to be supportive."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(in a deep voice) If I broke up with you, I聮d miss you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And you聮re our age. You聮re our age."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s not a state Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re our age!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesn聮t matter, I still wind up with this little (pats the flat spot on the back of his head) cowlicky thing on the middle part of my head. It聮s so annoying. Does it bug you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is there any chance you didn聮t see that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You can聮t just stare through the peep hole for three hours! You聮re gonna get peep eye!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You didn聮t just break up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean bullets have left guns slower!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stop what?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!! You can聮t!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!! (Ross is now dragging Chandler and the foosball table to the door) You are surprisingly strong!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look man!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen to me!! (Chandler turns him around and closes and holds the door shut with his feet.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She聮s moving on! Okay, if it聮s not this guy, it聮s gonna be somebody else! And unless you聮re thinking about subletting my peep hole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Okay, man? It聮s over."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know. (He rubs Ross聮s head)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in. (He blows on his hand) Draw!! (He quickly pulls the lever to raise the foot rest, like a gunfighter in a Western.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) I wasn聮t doing anything. (Joey starts angrily throwing his stuff down.) Uh-oh, what did she do now?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think somebody has a crush on somebody."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m talking about you. You big, big freak."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you聮d be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "聭Cause it聮s-it聮s not his last name."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, it聮s not like, like Phil Spiderman. He聮s a spider, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there聮s no Gold Man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What about things that are already gold?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, let聮s play my game now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait a minute, wait. You聮re telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn聮t want you back?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that聮s-that聮s okay, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, I realise that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s the stuff! (quickly grabs it)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks, it聮s ah, Gaelic, for 聭Thy turkey聮s done.聮 So ah, I聮m gonna go, nice, nice meeting you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin聮 out the Chan-Chan man!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I聮ll do it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey, my Father聮s house does that!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there聮s nothing like a cool, crisp New York evening."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Of course, I didn聮t get to enjoy any of that, because Joanna聮s such a big, dull dud!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering with Rachel) I聮m telling ya, Joanna聮s got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was, 聭This was fun. Let聮s do it again sometime. I聮ll give you a call.聮"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s what you say at the end of a date."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "To her face? Look it聮s the end of the date, I聮m standing there, I know all she聮s waiting for is for me to say 聭I聮ll call her聮 and it聮s just y'know, comes out. I can聮t help it, it聮s a compulsion."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Multiple, so many paper cuts."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sarcastic) Oh, well give me the phone then."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, you can聮t call somebody after this long just to say, 聭In case you didn聮t notice, I don聮t like you!聮"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nooo!! She聮s really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right! Fine! But it聮s just a lunch date, no more than an hour! And from now on I get my own dates, I don聮t want you setting me up with anybody ever again!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s just a lot of big talk, y'know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s not a big deal. It聮s, just it聮s right here, (points to his eye) and it聮s all the time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(He looks over at Rachel, who nods her head) Yes, this, this was pleasant."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The food there was, was great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So take care."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, this was great. I聮ll give you a call. We should do it again sometime. (Rachel is disappointed)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Noo!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I聮m sorry. Okay? I聮m weak, and pathetic, and sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahhhh聴I聮m not going to call you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sorry. I聮m-I聮m-I聮m sorry that I said I was going to when I聮m not. Look, this has nothing to do with you, y'know? And this isn聮t Rachel聮s fault. It聮s me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issues with commitment, intimacy, (pause) mascara goop. And I聮m really sorry, it聮s just that this is not, this isn聮t going to work out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, o-okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well this is great! I聮ll give you a call! We should do it again sometime!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sporting a goatee) Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, so that聮s why the priest threw holy water on me. (there聮s no reaction from Joey) Okay, listen, you have to cheer up! Okay? You should come out with Ross and me, I mean anything is better than sitting around here crying all day about Kate."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No way!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God! Who聮s gonna watch that?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. (they start to leave)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks. (He takes off the vest and throws it on the floor.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take for the roller skating thing to happen."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so I guess that聮s about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (He opens it and it聮s a baby chick) It聮s a chicken."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fowl? No. Women? Nooo."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Easy Lenny."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but this is the last time. (singing) With a chick-chick here, and a chick-chick there. Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick-(Joey enters)-chickeeeen."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know. (He picks the chick up and turns it over, trying to determine the sex of the chick, and blows on it.) I can聮t tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excuse me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I stayed home from work today while you were at rehearsal so somebody could be here with our chick!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t think I get up when you get up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, here it comes! I聮m stuck here all day, and then you come in and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends? Well I don聮t think so mister!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And you don聮t think taking care of our chick is work?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know what you meant!! (pause) You notice that ever since we got this chick, we聮ve been fighting a lot more than we used too?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll take her back tomorrow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(rushing in) Oh, good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know. See, yes. That聮s Yasmine Bleeth, she聮s a completely different kind of chick. I love you both. But in very different ways."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I did! But the store wouldn聮t take her back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If they can聮t find a home for her, they kill her! And I聮m not gonna let that happen to little Yasmine!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. And it聮s not just chicks y'know? It聮s all kinds of other animals!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks, I聮m glad you see it that way."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohhh-hoo, funny story!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! Now you stay out here, and you think about what you did!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s a bad duck!!! (to Ross) How聮d the thing go tonight, Ross?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to the duck) Okay, now when you come back I hope you remember that, that chick is not a toy! (He goes back into the apartment)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(coming out of his apartment and seeing Ross) What did you do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Having a swim."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chicks don聮t swim."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know. Should we try it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See, I told you they don聮t swim. (He goes to take it out)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Noo! (takes him out) Oh, it聮s okay, it聮s okay, baby, baby, baby."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ye-e-es!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I had one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who聮s number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, and I don聮t have any cologne."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! Worm medicine for the duck."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(seeing Joey) There he is!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So that聮s the girl you like."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don聮t like the guy Rachel聮s dating? Well, that聮s odd."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Could I borrow it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-ho-ho-ho."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "7:15. (Monica looks at him) Watch doesn聮t work."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up y'know, and he just started like, (claps his hands) banging his hands together!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross, don聮t. Ross!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohh, that聮s a good one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why don聮t you use ours across the hall, 聭cause she聟has聟problems."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Step away from the duck."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And yet, she聮s still not hanging up the phone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Or... Dick."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Was it like a sneeze only better?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (sees it) Huh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're right, I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(joining them) Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well sensitive is important, pick him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sitting down on the couch) I-kea! This is comfortable."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, what do you thing the good news is?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He聮s not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that聮s like a third or fourth date kinda thing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, so you聮re going with the teacher, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(comforting the duck) Everything聮s gonna be all right. Okay, Dick?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you think that there聮s a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as you聮re driving into town there聮s-there聮s like a sign, and it says 聯You聮re in Sample.聰 (He says it like urine sample.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, it聮s two guys in a ring, and the rules are: 聯They聮re are no rules.聰"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but there聮s two in martini, soo everybody back to my office."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh it聮s Bing, sir. I聮m sorry , I was just ah..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right buddy, way to go! (smacks him on the butt)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I didn聮t do anything. I didn聮t want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head in between 聭em."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross and Monica) What if Joey were president?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to his co-workers) What is with him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that聮s not true, he-he smacked you once."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No sir."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(joining them) Hey! Which one聮s my turkey burger?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But, it聮s gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow I聮m conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excuse me, Doug? (no reaction) Hey there sports fan!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I ah, I didn聮t do them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no I just ah, didn聮t do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly don聮t deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Doug!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express yourself."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no. It-it聮s not about the swearing, it聮s more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, and don聮t get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It聮s just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it聮s making all the other guys jealous."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (he starts to leave)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahhhhh! (walks out, imitating shooting himself in the head)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you, sir."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. No, not at all, that聮s-that聮s ridiculous."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ye-ye-yeah, yes I do!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Run! Run you crazy, rich freak!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Bonnie) So ah, your first sexual experience was with a woman?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tell it again. (pause, we see Rachel is not amused.) Seriously."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(reading the back of the picture) Me and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation 1965."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re not gonna die an old maid, maybe an old spinster cook."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey now besides, if worst comes to worst, I聮ll be your boyfriend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why is that so funny?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ha-ha-ha. A little to hard. What am I not ah, boyfriend material?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so we聮ve established my name, and hit me. But theoretically y'know, I mean say we weren聮t friends, say it聮s a blind date. I show up at your door, and I聮m like (in a fake voice) 聯Hey, nice to meet, ya. Hey, oh-hey.聰"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I can聮t have children!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Buy it for ya, or win it for ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Big bullies!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bored and bored!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, umm, we all have to play strip poker."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, you still don聮t think I聮m boyfriend material?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I saw you checking me out during the game last night."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well, lucky for you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah, I don聮t know what they were doing, but at one point sea turtles actually came up to the house."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where ya going?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) Noo!! I don聮t care! I聮m not, I聮m not gonna playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, then you gotta back away, all right? You don聮t need that kind聮ve hurt. Take it from a guy who聮s never had a long term relationship......"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahhhh! (Steps away from her.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, ahh, no thanks, I just had an M&M."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There is not one hair on that head."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(in a fake voice) Hi there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! Okay! Let me try it again, you聮re gonna wanna date this next guy, I swear!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi! I聮m Dorf! You聮re date for the evening. (Monica walks away in disgust) Oh come on! Dorf on dating, that聮s good stuff!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. (Monica turns her head away in disgust)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(jumping up) Oh, I聮ll go out and get you some."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nope! Because I聮m not your boyfriend. (to Phoebe, who聮s entering) Hey Pheebs, how did it go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I found a dried up seashores."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, there聮s a nuclear holocaust, I聮m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ve got canned goods."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excellent hole, Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We聮ve got to do something!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what, he聮s right. There聮s something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me too!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I聮m gonna break up with you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, Ross, you have what you want, you聮re back with Rachel. If you bring this up now you聮re gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "NO!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(running over and joining Monica) They聮ll never understand!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(following Monica) We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn聮t think we could make it. (He goes to put his hands on Monica聮s shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And then Joey remembered something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, 聯Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!聰 Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I KNEW IT!!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. All right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! That ripped! That ripped real nice!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t turn and slide, you throw it out! I聮m tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, how about we, how 聭bout we sell it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(nods his head) Do you mind if we stick you in another cabinet? (to Joey) They seem all right with it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(reading the ad) Stunning entertainment center. Fine, (pause) fine Italian craftsmanship. (Joey is very proud of himself)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You want it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you insane?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right look, I聮m changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looks at him) Nooo."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t believe you don聮t know what I do for a living!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(interrupting) Let it go!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮ll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I, I really don聮t think we need a canoe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you get home, throw the canoe away!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times he聮s wrong."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-no, he聮s right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m coming already!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OH MY GOD!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you all right?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(lets him out) What happened?!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So聴You got in voluntarily?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "BEND OVER?!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, they said uh, 聯You don聮t have insurance here, so stop calling us.聰"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s a good call. Right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we聮d really appreciate it. (Joey nods in agreement)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no, I聮m, I聮m paddling away!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Could we be more white trash?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughs) No. No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, not at first."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, come on! It聮s not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually I聮m pretty much just in there by myself."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I promise, I聮ll end it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I hope you know what I聮m giving up for ya, because she聮s not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It just doesn聮t聟feel like we聮re breaking up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Starts to button up his shirt)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m getting dressed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "When I walk outside naked people throw garbage at me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What is it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah-ha, you聮re not the boss of me. (She kisses him) Yeah, you are! (She handcuffs him to the chair) Ooh, saucy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You are, you聮re gonna leave me like this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. But if you don聮t come back soon, (She leaves and closes the door) there聮s pretty much nothing I can do about it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi! (to Sophie) How are you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello, Joanna聟(Realises he doesn聮t know her last name)聟聮s office."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How little?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, this isn聮t funny! You get back here right now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(in a serious, businesslike tone) Rachel, could I see you for a moment?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, here聮s the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can聮t get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I聮m cold, and (Stops and looks up the skirt on a statue behind Joanna聮s desk.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Never!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聴never borrowed your Walkman."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! (Rachel goes over and unlocks the handcuffs) Ahhh! (He starts rubbing his wrist)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. (He runs over to where his pants are hanging) Hello sweet pants!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "About what?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll make something up! I聮m good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-ho-ho, I don聮t think so!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, this is much better."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, look, you聮re in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she聮s gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It still wouldn聮t be clean. (Rachel makes an 聭Eww, disgusting!聮 face) All I want is my freedom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Freedom!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won聮t you here me?! (Opens the door) Sophie, help me! Help me!! (Sophie stands up)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just聟 (He moves his arm which opens the drawer and hits in the back of the head, which proves his point.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "With extra pulp?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t have it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How do Monica and Phoebe know?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(intrigued) Go on."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And Milton Berle has a"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(hello) Hello."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Rachel) I love you. (Kisses her on the forehead)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(checks his watch) Two hours, that lasted!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think so."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Could there be more Kims?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn聮t say 聭cool聮 anymore."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I聮ve missed the last 1200 times."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t think I聮ve tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh Maria. You can聮t say no to her, she聮s like this lycra spandex covered gym聟treat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no, you聮ll have to come."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why don聮t you just give him to somebody else?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because that聮s the only part of you he can see when he聮s on the table!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. (In a stronger voice) Yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (They go inside) (To the guy at the desk) I wanna quit the gym."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I wanna quit the gym."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(He turns to Ross and Ross makes a 聭Be strong聮 sound.) I wanna quit the gym."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(horrified at the prospect of trying to quit alone and unsure about himself) I wanna quit the gym."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I almost did, couldn聮t leave Ross there without a spotter!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We聮re doomed. Okay, they聮re gonna take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re a genius!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now, there聮s two reasons."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you, Joey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, we聮d just like to close them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I wanna quit the bank!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "To pay for the gym."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah聟 Bunny-rabbit."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohh, she's pretty. Pretty ahh, pretty girl, the pretty--she's pretty."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I could die."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I tell people secrets. It makes them like me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! (Phoebe sneezes)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna get shot down. Any advice?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(gets up) (softly) Wish me luck."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wish it! (To the woman, Kathy, he likes) Hi. Hi, I-I was just sitting over there, and uhh, Chandler. My name is Chandler. Did I say that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh Kathy, with K or a C?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-oh-hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, come on, give me a break, I'm out on a limb here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Hey, hey-hey, hey. (Joey kisses Kathy.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes-yes, I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sees Kathy is up watching TV) Hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Jeez, at 2:30 in the morning, I didn't expect to have to fight over the remote."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God! That's why I got up too!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, listen, I'm sorry about this afternoon, y'know, if I would've known you guys were... I never would've..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So ah, Joey tells me you two met in acting class."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's a good thing actually, because ah, he used to have me rehearse with him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is it on?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! (Runs over and gets his wonder broom)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! It's on! It's on!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There we go little fella."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well the duck can swim."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, me too, she's so cool and pretty."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She's smart and funny, y'know? We were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about--what?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I don't."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you, Ross."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy! (She doesn't hear him and keeps running, Chandler starts chasing her as the theme to The Mod Squad starts to play. First, a car almost hits him and then gets mustard splashed on him as he runs by a hot dog vendor.) Kathy! (He keeps running and gets tangled up in the leashes of five dogs, in desperation he throws his paper.) Fetch! Fetch it! (He frees himself and resumes the chase) Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! (He now trips and falls into a pile of garbage, he tries to get up and scream her name again but he has a piece of spinach in his mouth. He gets out of the garbage and starts crossing the street by running over the hoods of a couple of cabs.) Kathy! (He jumps in front of her and out of breath he says) Kathy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I just wanted to say, \"Hey!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (He walks away disgusted with himself.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Okay. You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know. I can't--I just, I can't get her out of my head. Y'know? I mean, I'm a very bad person. I'm a very, very bad person. I'm a horrible person. (he waits for a reaction, when he doesn't get one) No you're not Chandler! We still love you Chandler!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughs) Right in there!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "99...100! Ready or not, here I come! (He opens his eyes and sees that the chick and the duck are still sitting in front of him) All right, let's go over the concept one more time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohh, umm, y'know what, I already ate."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know I had a big meal on Monday, y'know. So that's just gonna get me straight through the week."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You-you do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You got me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohh, she's-she's not really my type."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what I think it is? It's the fishnet stockings. Y'know? Whenever I see a girl in fishnet stockings it reminds me of my father in fishnet stockings."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhh, no-no thanks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen, I-I'm gonna grab a beer. (Leaves)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, look, what do you want from me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am pretending."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, what do you saw I go over there and say how much I like her? (Joey gives him a thumbs up) No-no it'll be good, I can tell her much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment I met her. That I'm so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can I sleep on your couch?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where did you, when did you, how did you... (Joey hits the back of Chandler's head) How did you get a girl like that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi. You guys have any wrapping paper?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phebes, it was your birthday, like, months ago."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I have a call in about that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday. It's an early edition of her favorite book."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but don't touch it, because you fingers have destructive oils."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It doesn't say that. Does it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, all right, I'll just uh, make sure that uh, Joey gets her something really great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. (Kathy goes into the bathroom.) Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(confused) Sure..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know... um, Grease?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Rent?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so when do you want to go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, it is, at Office Max."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A pen."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Huh-huh! You can't give her that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "For three years?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Would you like me to write her a little poem as well?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, all right. I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present for Kathy that would be better than the rabbit."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great place called \"Invisible things for Kathy.\" (Motions to an imaginary pile of presents next to him.) Can you give me a hand with all this stuff?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She's really going to love this, you know? The bottom line is I want her to have it, even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah? You don't think it's just pathetic?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I got something for her. (Joey picks up the package, shakes it next to his ear, can't hear anything, switches ears, shakes it again.) It's a book!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, it came out to an even twenty."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, how'd it go? How'd she like the gift?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah? That's great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[nodding, with mixed feelings] Aahhuuhhh.... [Kathy enters]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Happy birthday."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No he didn't. [Moving it back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Happy birthday! I'm sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See, you think it's just a pen, but then you turn it over and it's also a clock."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah... yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[to Kathy] Goodnight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, uh, yeah... I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't always know the exact time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, the book?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What do you mean?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(tongue-tied) Uhl..ell. By the way, in case you missed that, that sound was, \"Uhl, ell.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah, he's my... he's my best friend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Goodnight. (Goes to his room.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering in a bathrobe) I just walked in the bathroom and saw Kathy naked! It was like torture!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It just keeps getting worse and worse! Y'know? I mean it聮s bad enough that I聮m in love with my roommates girlfriend聴which by the way, I think she knows. Because every time we聮re in the room together there聮s this weird like energy between us. And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now I have seen her naked. I mean at least when I聮ve seen her with clothes on, I could imagine her body was like covered in boles or something. But there are no boles, she聮s smooth! Smooth! (leaves)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(rushing up) Hey-Hey-Hey! Who was that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Goin聮 out, huh? Wow! Wow! (Does a little celebration dance) So things didn聮t work out with Kathy, huh? Bummer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shocked) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait! You聮re going out with Kathy!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I聮m upset聴for you. I mean, having sex with an endless line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you. (He can聮t believe he just sad that.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, Joey, Kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. But Casey, I mean granted I only saw the back of her head, but I got this sense that she聮s-she聮s smart, and funny, and gets you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right look, I think it聮s time for you to settle down. Y'know? Make a choice, pick a lane."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right! Bring it on, you"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(interrupting) Oh my God! Play!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really, bitchin聮!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean like, music?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I know what you聮re thinkin聮! Yes, yes, your breasts are just as firm and juicy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come in!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the articles."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no, he聮s not back yet, but he聮ll be here any minute. So uh, come on in. Have a seat. Bow or stern?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I like it in the stern. (Realizes what he just said.) 聟of the boat. (The phone rings, and he answers it.) (on phone) Hello."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What happened?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why can聮t you tell her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey! Joey!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I thought your time ran out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Kathy) Uhh, that was Joey. He聮s running a little late, he says he聮s sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So I guess it聮s just uh, you and me then."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I think it is!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I had an appointment to get my haircut"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "and then it got canceled."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?! You do that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dog grooming huh? Okay, just don聮t make my tail too poofy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, thanks. I grow it myself. (Kathy is running her fingers through his hair, and Chandler catches himself enjoying it too much.) Y聮know who also has great hair is Joey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What-what 聭cha doin聮?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "聭Kay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(jumping up to answer the phone) Oh the phone! The phone聮s making sounds! (On phone) Hello!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey it聮s Joey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah man. (to Kathy) Joey. (Hands her the phone.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Yes! Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no, this is bad! It聮s bad! This is bad!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait the uh, the kiss or the situation?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh! Yes! Okay! Here聮s what we do, we-we forget it happened."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, we-we swallow our feelings. Even if it means we聮re unhappy forever. Sound good?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I have to; he聮s my best friend, and you聮re seeing him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(interrupting) Oh-no-no-no! Don聮t! Don聮t! See-see, you聮re getting me confused, I聮m starting to urn."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I-I think we have too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye. (Kathy leaves and Chandler wonders over to and leans up against the door.) Are you still out there?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hang on buddy! (He goes over and unlocks the door and opens it to reveal a fully furnished apartment.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I sure did."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I just thought it聮d make me feel good to do something nice for my friend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no. This is amazing. (He goes over and presses a button on a remote control that opens the entertainment center doors revealing the TV.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, y聮know I聮m 29. I mean who needs a savings account."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I don聮t know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean with Casey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Or Casey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Could be Casey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Consider Casey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That all the pieces of my life are falling right into place!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I kissed Kathy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. Is there anyway, anyway you think he聮ll understand this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, don聮t say that! Don聮t say that. That聮s not true. Is it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then why didn聮t you tell me to do that?!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "God!! (Sits down in disgust.) What am I gonna do?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?! Why do I have to tell him?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is that a real thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen ah, Joe, I-I need to, I need to talk to you about something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s-it聮s about Kathy. Umm, uh, I like her. I like her a lot actually."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh uh, when?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh man, I am so sorry. Are, are you okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but I-I uh, don聮t have too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I thought that would be the best thing to do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See uh, that聮s-that聮s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I-I think I know who the other guy is."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s me. I聮m the other guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! No! No! I just kissed her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How is that worse?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I聮m sorry! But there聮s nothing I can do, I think I聮m in love with her!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You have to believe me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Probably because"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone) Hey, it聮s me. I know you can聮t stand to be in the same room as me, so I just thought I聮d try and apologize over the phone. All I聟 (Joey hangs up the phone in disgust.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but I聮m聟 (Joey hangs up the phone again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Aww, turkey! Aww, giving thanks! Aww!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They couldn聮t be worse. I spent eight hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, by any chance did either of pick uh Rachel for your secret Santa, 聭cause I wanna trade for her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! Why do you want to get rid of her so badly?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that聮s not true! That聮s not true! I got her that backpack and she loved it! I remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with it聟 (notices the look on Monica and Phoebe聮s faces.) Oh, there was no big dog. All right this sucks! I already got her this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on it聟 (Phoebe looks confused.) Her initials"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Op, y'know what though, it聮s kind聮ve a girlie briefcase."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, what time is it? The big game is about to start!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well maybe you should put some ice on it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He聮s really picky about his patients."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) All right! Okay! I think I am making some progress with Joey, when I went into the apartment he went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed the door once! (Ross is pleased.) I mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh y聮know what, I was already trying to trade for ah, well, you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know R.G., I was thinking something girlie for your office."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no, you don聮t want to do that, then you聮re gonna get stuck with Rachel and she exchanges every gift she ever gets."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Like?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "When was the last time you saw her wear it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Big dog?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I walk into a room and he won聮t even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! I聮m sorry! That聴(sees that Joey is about to leave) where are you going?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, uh, when-when are you coming back?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I聮ll stop seeing her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend, I just-I just screwed up!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right look, if you聮re not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them! Okay, they have had a very difficult year! What with the robbery and all!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, wait! Come on! Just wait one second! There has to be something that I can do! Something! If we still had that entertainment unit I would get in it for six hours and think about how I let you down. (Joey looks intrigued) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(He is now in the box, in their living room.) Sounds like a really bad idea to me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The meaning of the box is three fold. One (holds a finger up through the air hole), it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two (holds up another finger), it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three (holds up a third finger), it hurts!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Air hole! Air hole!! (Ross retracts his hand quickly.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How do ya do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What happened? What happened?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Gotcha! (laughs)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, okay, you got it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You can聮t tell, but I聮m trying to break the tension by mooning you guys!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re right, and I聮m sorry! This means a lot to me! I want you to be my friend again! I swear, I won聮t say another word tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Absolutely!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Man, this is"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Our eyes are closed and we聮re about to cross the street. Very good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no, I don聮t think you heard me. Are you ready to party?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kathy聮s with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandolf dude!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m gonna call and get off work tomorrow!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Woooo!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh man! I am so excited聴I may vomit!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look you don聮t understand, Gandolf is amazing. Y聮know you聮re never know what聮s gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, it聮s beautiful country up there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s not gonna be exactly like last time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa-whoa-whoa!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(answering it) Hello. (listens) (to Ross) It聮s Gandolf!!! (on phone) So, are you in town? (listens) (disappointed) Oh, well, well maybe next time then. (Hangs up)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He聮s not gonna make it, he聮s stuck in Chicago."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stupid, useless Canadian money!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all of the foosball players."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-no, y聮know with Gandolf we聮d be out all night!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And may-maybe we could end up on a boat again?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Remember that really cold morning, you woke up and those dogs were licking your face?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, those were seals, man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, all right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually, me too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually, can I get some hot water with a little lemon? I think I strained my voice screaming in there. Does it have to be so loud?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what? We聮re not sad, we聮re not sad, we聮re just not 21 anymore. Y聮know? I聮m 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah! How did you meet her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Were you so late because you were burring this woman?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How can she be great if she聮s from Poughkeepsie? (laughs, at they all look at him) That joke would聮ve killed in Albany."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, look at this! (Holding a newspaper) They聮re lighting the big Christmas tree tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! I really wanted to take Kathy to this, I can聮t believe I missed it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?! I didn聮t think girls ever just wanted a fling."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what? There聮s some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I have a girlfriend, I聮m-I聮m happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, who聮s boss."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(he glares at him for a while) Yes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? (Drew looks at him) Og-ee-op, I聮m not asking for me, I聮m聟 I mean聟 No, I聮m-I聮m not gay, I聮m not asking you out. I聮m not-I聮m not-I聮m not gay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See my friend-my friend, Rachel, she wants to be set up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, y聮know what, that might be okay even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all right with Rachel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Drew) Oh, by the way, that is her full name."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh well, that聮s uh, a little later than I uh, generally care to stay, but sure!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I don聮t really know what that is, but let聮s!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hello, children!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Rachel) Have I got the 50 guys for you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! They聮re buying me drinks! They聮re giving me stuff! (to Joey) Knicks tonight?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wherever! I聮ve got like 20!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what, I聮m gonna uh, play the field just a little more."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Guys are signing over their 401-K聮s to me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pause) Yes. (to Rachel) Okay, there聮s this one guy, Patrick, I think you聮re gonna like him, he聮s really nice, he聮s funny, he聮s a swimmer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See, I聮m not bad at this fixing up thing, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s a big company, I don聮t聴if you聴I"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah! With who?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, man!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, like father, like son."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?! I-I thought you weren聮t looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ummmmmmmm, no."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not?! I聮d be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to get聴oh I see."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(interrupting) Oh, y聮know, y聮know what Pheebs?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m not Jewish, so"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bad dream?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebe聮s song about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Prague?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I did! I absolutely did!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sure you聮re right, but why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, man. I聮m sorry, I聮m so-so sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know! I know!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, y聮know, you聮re-you聮re gonna meet somebody! You聮re a great catch! Y聮know when I was telling all those guys about you, I didn聮t have to lie once. (He sits down on the arm of her chair)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku Laude, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, it doesn聮t matter. (Kisses her on the top of her head.) Hey, y聮know what, I聮ve got two tickets to tonight聮s Rangers game, you wanna come with me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, actually it聮s a hockey team, so it聮s angry Canadians with no teeth."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Have you ever been with a woman?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So there is no good time to ask that question."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Blue blazer back. He-he wants it back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you-you know what I meant."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So what job did you get Joe?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great!! That聮s great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re gonna be carrying their baby and give them a Sony Play Station?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah, sure, it聮s not mine anyway. It can with the pants."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. Right where?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, you-you gotta love the talking."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, we haven聮t had sex yet. Okay, what聮s the big deal? Y聮know? This is special, and I want our love to grow until we move on to the next level."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, he聮s right, I聮m totally lying."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, Kathy聮s last boyfriend was Joey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I聮m afraid I won聮t be able to make love as well as him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, and I was saying the actual words."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We share a wall! So either he聮s great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, all right, I聮ll go sleep with my girlfriend. But I聮m just doing it for you guys."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why is Phoebe singing to Carl Mulden?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, yes, we had the sex."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It was fine, y聮know? But she didn聮t agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, \"I see you point, I聮m all right with it.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y聮know, I know where everything goes, it聮s always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, \"My God! Somebody聮s killing her in there!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, you don聮t have to draw an actual wo聴whoa! She聮s hot!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shocked) There are seven?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Points to one) That聮s one?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, y聮know-y聮know what, I was looking at it upside down."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That-that聮s bad?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well you might if it were anything like 7!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well the vet seems to think that聮s she聮s becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) We聮re getting a second opinion."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I can uh, check that for ya."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can check that for ya."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well聟 we-we do. You can only eat Tic Tacks in even numbers."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Rachel) And you聟 Ross, I believe, if you check Rachel聮s bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) Stop that now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Diet soda."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Orange juice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers something in Joey聮s ear.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I got it! Scotch聟 tape. (They聮re right.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, we used there聮s up last night making scary faces."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right! Ten buck! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fears and Pet Peeves."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "His legs flail about as if independent of his body!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She has a real name."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Althea?! What are you doing?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're shooting with Althea?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nice shooting!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually, it聮s Miss Chinandolor Bong."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Unfortunately that is correct."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I majored in lightning rounds. All right, we聮re gonna destroy you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I聮m so confused as to what we聮ve been doing so far"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Say 200?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(interrupting) All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But if we win, we get your apartment."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Starts jumping around.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dangerous Liaisons."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! (Whispers something in Joey聮s ear and then in Ross聮s ear.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fancy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fancy guest."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "YEAH!!! YES!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You can聮t just call Monica聮s room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I would never bet this apartment. It聮s too nice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, but I bet it works."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well believe it baby!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I knew it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Cool, girl roommate."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?! What-what is it?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t believe we live here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Awwwww!! (They lean back all the way.) Awwwwwww!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I get to have sex with the star of the play!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! She looks great. Doesn聮t she?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, it聮s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they聮re gonna go to their cast parties and he聮s gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it聮ll be like, \"So where聮s your boyfriend, what聮s-his-name, Chester?\" And she聮ll go, \"No-no-no, it聮s Chandler.\" And he聮ll go, \"Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, look, look, what am I gonna do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I know but"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, okay, but don聮t worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. Which I聮m fairly certain are the same thing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now there聮s no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly you聮re having sex with him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you聮re up there every night, you聮re naked, touching, kissing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you can understand, given how we started."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that is what happened, and I don聮t even see you denying this!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well, don聮t expect that to happen anytime soon!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Steps! (He opens the door to his apartment to Ross and Joey looking at the new Playboy) Slut! (Ross and Joey quickly hide the Playboy behind their backs. Chandler wonders into the girl聮s apartment.) You will all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I confronted her, and she didn聮t deny it! (Pause) I don聮t live here! (Goes back into his apartment and they all follow him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I may be drunk, but I know what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak Julie聮s"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! See you and I have always been like聴(motions that they think the same.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did she call?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, maybe I should call her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well y'know, what if she didn聮t actually sleep with the guy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over to-to say that I聮m sorry. Y聮know? I know I acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can completely understand why you were so upset."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I know, I-I wish I had too, but y聮know I-I think this is a good thing. Y'know? 聭Cause we聮ve had our first fight, and now we can move on. Y聮know, I know for me聴(Notices a pair of men聮s pants on the chair.) Nick聮s pants?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, she wasn聮t sleeping with him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She is now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m saying that she聟 is a devil woman! Y聮know I mean you think you know someone and then they turn around and they sleep with Nick! Nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man-nipples! I hate him, I hate her! Well, I don聮t hate her, I love her. This is all my fault really."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because, I-I should聮ve called! Y聮know if I had just called her after our big, stupid fight, she never would聮ve gone out with Nick, and they would聮ve ended up in bed together. I threw her at his man nipples!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t have to stop having fun just because I聮m here. Kathy didn聮t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know, I can聮t believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I聮m never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s right! Where are the guys? I聮m ready to get drunk and see some strippers."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They got a breakfast buffet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh, let me talk to him!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, can I just"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She聮s shhing me! It聮s my phone and she聮s shhing me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ow!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe, she doesn聮t hit him all the time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I聮m going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So y聮know, uh, when聮s he getting back?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes you can. You聮re thinking about time, you can聮t go back in time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughs) No you can聮t."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t want to be guys, you聮d be all hairy and wouldn聮t live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Starts to cry)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No thanks, Mom!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, come on! Y聮know what聴y聮know what, I think I聮m just gonna go home and call Kathy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I聮m gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I聮m gonna get so drunk, I聮m gonna wanna call Janice"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohhh!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, well I聮m gonna put my sweats back on."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stripping!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, look, I聮m gonna have to ask you all to leave."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn聮t picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(jumping up) Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am totally picturing you with all those women!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I聮m there too!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stop it! You聮re killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where I don聮t want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on, let me see that smile."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Please?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, I know, but you聮re gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right ladies, here聮s what we聮re gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, \"Chandler聮s the king! Chandler聮s the king!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that聮s fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What do you want from me, I聮ve never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I聮m sorry you can聮t stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandler聮s back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, I聮ve got to wake up!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done! And you said it was gonna be fun! (pause) Which it kinda is. Also, you said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s a mailman! That聮s our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, with Janice in tow) Hello!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Isn聮t this amazing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Bye."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "B-bye!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After it聮s closed) I can聮t stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality聴Well, they聮re all back! Y聮know? And she聮s picked up like nine new ones!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don聮t worry about it. I聮m taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I don聮t have to break up with her this time. We聮re not involved! I聮m going to do a pre-emptive strike! I聮m going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughs) Okay, we have to talk. I聮m just getting out of a very serious relationship"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right! I just think that this is happening too soon."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! No! Not, Paris."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. That聮s right, yes, I聮m being transferred to Yemen!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know exactly."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But I do know that it聮s some time tomorrow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know uh, you didn聮t really have to help me pack."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I聮m packing. Y聮know I聮m-I聮m packing 聭cause I聮m moving to Yemen tomorrow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m only going to pretend I聮m moving to Yemen, it聮s the only way I can get rid off her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(from his bedroom) Thanks!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know you, really didn聮t have to take me to the airport."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, we聮re really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Then I guess it聮s just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.\") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. All right, y聮know what, she聮s (Points to Janice) gonna think that I聮m handing you a credit card, but what I聮m really gonna do is hand you a library card."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to the ticket agent) American Express?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I-I guess I gotta go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, good-bye. Good-bye."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I then guess I聮m going to Yemen! I聮m going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you writing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts reading it.) Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you (Pause) never go out of style聴what did you throw away?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi guys!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Without me?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but in Ross聮s case, they both know in two weeks that聮s it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe that聮s because soy-burgers suck!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you talking about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there? (Points to the living room.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Like what?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I said, \"Like what?\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Does for me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Flashdance."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She was a welder."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are the odds? What are the odds?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There聮s a Phoebe on my sandwich! (He walks away, giving the sandwich to Phoebe.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-ho, yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Treeger聮s snaking the shower drain."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do we pay for this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe we shouldn聮t pay our phone bill聴free phone sex."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Like finding money with naked people on it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We don聮t know what could make this go away."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And no one touches the air around the TV!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We still have porn."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Or a job where you don聮t have to carry a table."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s the theme from Good Will Humping."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They don聮t really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her, it聮s over."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Pause) Good one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pregnant Woman Slays Four?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s the second part of your plan?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You put your fist through the wall?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A place where no one will ever get out alive?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are we in London?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn聮t ask me to go do it with her in the vault."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What, no, \"Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what, we have to turn off the porn."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, ready?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Two."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, that聮s kinda a relief."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You wanna see if we still have it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "FREE PORN!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We have free porn here!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wouldn聮t that be Frank the III?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Do we have a baby name yet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, y聮know what, if you聮re gonna do that, if you聮re gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesn聮t think so.) Oh, come on! Chandler聮s funny, sophisticated, and he聮s very loveable, once you get to know him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, well, he might be a little late, but-but, he聮ll be there. And he聮ll bring you some cold soda, if want you need him for is that you聮re really hot."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And now you聮re giving me the message!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You actually think that something can happen between Emily and Susan?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi! Hi! You聮re crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Raymond Chandler."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, there are no famous Joey聮s. Except for, huh, Joey Buttafucco."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, look, Joey! Come on, think about it, first of all, he聮ll never be President. There聮s never gonna be a President Joey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, you聮re, you聮re right. I have a horrible, horrible name."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, you聮re right, it is a ridiculous name!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I have no name."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s Clint. It聮s Clint! (He heads for his bedroom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s Clint! Clint!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Okay. Okay. All right. Help! Am I a Mark, or a John?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right look, am I serious, okay? Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down to the courthouse."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. Okay, it聮s probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with women聟 So, as of 4 o聮clock tomorrow, I聮m either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pleased) Really?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Thanks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You wanna hug it out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye, Pheebs!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ha! Ha! Ha!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ho! Ho! Ho!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your pants!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesn聮t get it.) Santa Claus聮s pants."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhh, a T-shirt that says, \"I don聮t belong here.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah we do!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you serious?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Forget it! Okay, I聮m not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(ignoring him) Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Forget it! Okay, I聮m not giving up the apartment."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You do know that Wham broke up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where is Emily?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Man, didn聮t she like just get here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Easy tiger."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So what are you going to do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you serious?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because you聮ve only known her for six weeks! Okay, I聮ve got a carton of milk in my fridge I聮ve had a longer relationship with!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I love the milk! But, I聮m not gonna some British girl to move in with me! (Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say things now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No thank you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we can聮t leave in the small apartment after we聮ve lived here! Didn聮t you ever read Flowers for Algernon?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Screw the Knicks!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn聮t mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And the Knicks rule all."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. No. We聮re not gonna do that, y聮know why? Because its not an even trade."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Op, op, I聮m convinced!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, but you can聮t use that again for a whole year. I聮m in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine, let聮s do it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s a low one!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why are you screaming and hugging?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah baby!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tickets please! (Rachel hands over the tickets) That聮s courtside baby!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No they didn聮t!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Those were like the best seats ever."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, that聮s very nice. Plus, y聮know they were free and they聮re too small."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh. Oh, God! (He starts running around like a chicken with his head cut off.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I KNOW!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Open up! Open up! Open up!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What the hell is going on?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We are switching back, right now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you聮re gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we聮re switching it back! There聮s nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t care, this is our apartment! And they stole聴you stole it聴our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I聮m getting back right now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can聮t offer anything to us!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Totally worth it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good night."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, well, that聮s great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you kidding me?! Joey. Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh. Oh, did-did-did I wake you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Gunther, can I get another cup of coffee, please? (Gunther starts to pour him another cup.) So uh, what do you do when you聮re not working here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, okay, thanks. (He goes back to the couch and rejoins Monica, Joey, and Phoebe.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I am drinking lots of cups of coffee because I聮m exhausted! Because Joey started snoring!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s not something to be proud of, okay? You have to go to a sleep clinic!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They don聮t have those."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Next time you snore, I聮m rolling ya over!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, all right!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, she聮s got you running errands, y聮know, picking up wedding dresses聟 (Laughs and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-pah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know, whipped! Wah-pah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s what I did. Wah-pah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right buddy, time to roll over. (Rolls him over, and discovers a surprise) (Looking down) No-no! (Covers his eyes) No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! You聮re going to a clinic, and a pyjama store!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s 6:00."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are going out to dinner with Ross and Emily, and I think that聮s, I think that聮s really cool."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well, I don聮t dance at weddings."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because weddings are a great place to meet women, and when I dance, I look like this聟 (Starts to dancing really, really, really badly. Ross enters behind him and he stops.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nothing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(answering for him) Yes he did."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(waking Joey) Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re coming on to the entire room! (He goes over to pick up a stack of magazines next to her, and to get her attention, he throws them back down.) I聮m Chandler."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mind if I"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So uh, what are you in for?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What a coincidence, I listen in my sleep."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hello! Little ones."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. (They聮re stunned.) Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because I聮m cooler."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well she聮s, she聮s the kinda girl聴Joey was unconscious."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Plus, you look cool."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what? It seems like all of the sudden; so much has happened."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe is, making people."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And we just sit here. I mean if I die the only way people would even know I was here, would be by the ass print on this chair! Look, we have to do something. Okay? Something huge!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no, not something stupid, something huge."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not?! I mean it聮s just, it聮s just climbing! It聮s just, it聮s just steep!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We聮re going to Everest! Okay, it would be nice to leave an ass print on Everest!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah baby!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(dejected) Yeah, well"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we could do that without y聮know risking our lives at all!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(dejected) Oh, well"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeeeeahhhh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But I聮ll tell you something. One of these days we聮re get off of our buts and rent Die Hard again!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She was not good. Not good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hello!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sarcastic) Noo."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn聮t know that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See, maybe that聮s the one we should聮ve actually hidden."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This isn聮t one of those uh, y聮know \"If she doesn聮t come, we-we don聮t, we don聮t come?\" Right? Because I already bought my ticket"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that's Ross's."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin...."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohhh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I KNEW IT!!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, check it out. Check this out. It says here that there聮s a place you can go to rent videos of all the museums! (Reading from the book.) \"It聮s almost as good as being there.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, You could, but... probably just the one time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If we do that, we gotta get Die Hard."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shocked) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, it聮s awkward. It聮s awkward. It聮s awkward."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You can be the best man when I get married."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no, you聴yeah, of course you get to be my best man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for science fiction writers!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m not even聟 I聮m not even"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey guys, what are you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I聮m Ross. I聮m Ross. I聮m too good for the Hut; I聮m too good for the Hut."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See ya. (Ross exits, and Chandler moves over next to Joey, laughing.) Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He just said, \"No strippers.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(banging a spoon against his beer bottle) Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I聮ve decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Central Perk?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(banging on the bottle again) Okay, okay, a little announcement, I just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, (to the stripper) so is the position of the bride."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(opening the door) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this聴Ah-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! You聮re the worst best man ever!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You slept with the stripper?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you might say, it聮s a magic ring."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I think it all started when you said, \"Hey Joey, why don聮t you be my best man.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on her.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Way to be cool, man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Marry me. (Both Ross and Chandler hit him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He will, Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, come on, it聮s not your fault."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, you should."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What a baby."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Six-hour trip to London. That聮s a lot of Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You got your passport?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There it is."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, with Joey) All right! Let聮s do it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, 聭cause that聮s not gonna get annoying."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, y聮know what? I was wrong."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! (Trots over)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebe聮s book as Rachel comes in from her room.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, with Phoebe聮s book.) Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am, I聮m ignoring you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, what the hell is that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Listen-listen, we聮re not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think it聮s great. It聮s great. Y聮know, they聮re thinking of changing the name of this place."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "To Put the Camera Away!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I don聮t have to buy that, \"I聮m with stupid\" T-shirt anymore."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, look, you聮re not really gonna buy that are you? Don聮t you think you聮ve embarrassed me enough for one day?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How can I answer that when I聮m pretending I don聮t know you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y聮know, you聮re gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, wait. All right, that聮s it, okay, I聮m out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey. (He nods at the hat.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no, y聮know what? I really shouldn聮t have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn聮t cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I聮ve had a really lousy day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s聟 That聮s was"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How did you? How? How?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m gonna go to the bathroom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was pretty intense huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(glares at him) I hope he did!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, it聮s been three days, okay.. Your just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It could聮ve been worse, he could聮ve shot her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh wow, I hope you don聮t take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I聮m just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Seven times!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "In a foreign, romantic country"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bad London! (Takes a spoon and smacks the turkey.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I don聮t see that we have a choice. But, when we聮re back home, we don聮t do it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know, I saw a wine cellar downstairs"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Forget it, that聮s off."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The man聮s got a point."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, \"Yippee!\" just ignore me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, hello Rachel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, we do. But, we have to change first."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we聮ll be down in like five minutes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yay"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Hey, listen, why don聮t we go change in my room?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, you look"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I聮ve got a girl in here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, we聮re-we聮re hanging out in here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I suppose I聮d have to say you!! But, what if we聮re watching a movie in here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, Ross and Emily aren聮t gonna use it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn聮t get sex. All of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nope, not under here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you couldn聮t have looked everywhere or else you would聮ve found her!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, for about 30 minutes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. (Monica smiles at that.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we聮re gonna go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, it聮s a very large plane."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But, we聮ll stay here with you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We have to leave for New York in an hour."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We can聮t do that that聮s insane. I mean 聭A聮 he could wake up and 聭B聮 y聮know, let聮s go for it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. (Realizes something) Y聮know, technically we still are over international waters."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "聭Kay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhh, no."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay man. (Chandler starts to get up.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No we didn聮t!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! Good thing we have that, 聭Not in New York聮 rule."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh. Y聮know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn聮t because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me 聭cause, you聮re really hot! Is that okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I聮m cute too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you! (They hug.) All right, I gotta go unpack."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) I聮m still on London time, does that count?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, good! (They start kissing.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ehh, you're just liquored up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I've had a very long, hard day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "For the last time no! Get out! Get out, Joey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Joe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, Pheebs!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, The Wheatsheaf."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh! Ahh, Pheebs, was gonna tell a story."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe she can out run you man!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, Ross, when you make out card; be sure to make it out to, EM-I-LY."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that's not true."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I gotta go to work."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And uh, Rachel, glad to have you back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pheebs! (He goes over and kisses Phoebe, who is also stunned.) Always a pleasure. (And he struts out leaving the girls to stare at each other.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, y'know what, we've been talking about London too much haven't we?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I got caught up and work, but I'm quitting tomorrow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, thanks for having me over! Rach. (Goes over, grabs her, and kisses her.) Pheebs. (After a moment while he decides how to kiss her around her belly, grabs her and kisses her.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm gonna go home and bask in the triumph of my Central Park idea. (Gets up to leave.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was just trying to bring a little culture to the group."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, Pheebs!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, Pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little聟 Y'know, it didn't have any聟 It-it, well it blew. So, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, Atlantic City!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Atlantic City!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pheebs! We have to take you to the hospital now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, it's beautiful. Amazing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what else I can't believe? I had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel every time I left a room, I mean it's too bad they didn't see us having sex."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (They kiss again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! You okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did he just say, he loves Fonzie?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? Male nurses?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So they're going on dates? When?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This-this Fonzie person you keep referring too, is that uh, is that another doctor?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(spotting her) Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're goofin' around."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine! Maybe I will too!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So Dan, nurse not a doctor huh? Kinda girlie isn't it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way. (Retreats in defeat.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to another female nurse) Hey, how 'bout it? You, me, Saturday night?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right. Very good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye, momi-moo."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh God, kindergarten flashback."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, keep saying it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary聟 Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? Okay, so"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, happily, with a bottle of champagne, thinking that Monica is the only one there) Ha-ha-ha-(sees everyone)-enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?! That's what you heard? (To Monica) You said that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because I'm very happy for him! (To Monica) And you, you lucky dog!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this. (He jumps up onto the table and starts doing his happy dance.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your best friends."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's true!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's true!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, there he is! There he is!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to leave.) Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's your point?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH聟MY聟GOD."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again, but that would be wrong. We're too good! We owe it, to sex!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. (She starts to take off her latex gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, let's show them how it's done."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know that wasn't part of it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nope."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(quietly) Hi! (They both start kissing.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the sink.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if we went away for a whole weekend? Y'know we'd have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I can say that I have a conference and you can say you have a chef thing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, y'know your not though. Let's go. (He starts for his bedroom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's going on?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We're flipping Monica's mattress."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aww, man! (They go into Monica's room.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes, somebody just said, \"Can you hear anything?\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Condoms?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And condoms are the way to do that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(jumping on the bed) I can't believe it! We're here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, you should live with Joey, Roll-os everywhere."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a high-speed car chase on!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looks at what she's holding and shies away) Oh dear God, they gave us glasses!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost it's feed! (He grabs their bags and sprints out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, great. (He grabs the remote and turns on the TV to the chase.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Half a tank? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-huh. (He doesn't take his eyes off the TV.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(turning to face her) Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I hear ya, Mugsy! But look, all these rooms are fine okay? Can you just pick one so I can watch-(realizes)-have a perfect, magical weekend together with you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(watching TV, in fact, ER is on.) Nothing! It's over! Dammit! This is regularly scheduled programming!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room switching fun?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, who should I blame? The nice bell man who had to drag out luggage to 10 different rooms?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do not speak ill of the dead."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I just want to watch a little television. What is the big deal? Geez, relax mom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I said, \"Geez, relax Monnnnn.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Damn Rollos!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It was terrible. I fought with (Pause) my colleagues y'know, the entire time. Are you kidding with this? (Throws away another Rollo)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, no, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica. (Follows her out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, fine, $300."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, just think of it as $25 per room!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, Ross is in the bathroom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kip, my old roommate, y'know we all used to hang out together."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes that was mine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes that would have made more sense."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I just came over to drop off聟nothing. So that weekend kinda sucked, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, I guess this is over."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, y'know, you and me, it had to end sometime."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because of the weekend, we had a fight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, this isn't over?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? Okay. Great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(stops her) We're in a relationship?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, can I talk to you for a second? (He grabs him and starts to drag Joey into Monica's room.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. Yes. (Lets him up.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It happened in London."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no-no! You can't!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fun's over!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aren't you supposed to be at an audition for another hour?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, just some 9-year-old Filipino kids who worked their fingers bloody for 12 cents an hour. (Phoebe stares at him wide-eyed. Chandler sees her reaction.) That didn't happen, I made that up!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but don't you think this is a little extreme?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're on in 5 Ms. Minnelli."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you're really okay with this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now that's so funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, what is in here? Rocks?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, rocks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, we just think that maybe she's being a little unreasonable."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kind of? If you just kept this to yourself none of this would've happened."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I think it's very brave what you said."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? How about the whole animal rights thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, Ross?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we are so sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, there-there she is!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you looking at naked tribe's women?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's a pig."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He thought you said gonad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Love what you've done with the place."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, the tears are real."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You built a fort didn't ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(notices something) Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard through 4 years of college was (makes a humming noise.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I hate this thing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hello children!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Starts to head for where the foosball table usually is.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean this. (Does the maneuver perfectly.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(gasps) All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived college with him!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so he's out of here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not even on page 7?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What about that circled one?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, it is."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There we go!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let's go quicker."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's a kitchen slash bathroom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We are bad people."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes that was a nice place!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are we gonna do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "About Ross!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(grabbing the phone) Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. (Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.) Ah, he's a tap dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp! (Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohhhhh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "98. 99. 100. Okay, go!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here we go! Here we go!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're kidding, no!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! Ross, you have to stay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, buddy!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's sweet, Joey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you aware that you're still talking?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's a tradition, like the parade. If the parade decided it was gay, moved out, and abandoned its entire family."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? Worse than, \"More turkey Mr. Chandler?\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's exactly like it sounds."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Arghhhhhh!! (Joey turns around to taunt him, but Chandler is in the doorway and Joey is facing the kitchen.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm over here big guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughing) You did look like an idiot."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, come on Monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving is all about. Y'know, for me anyway. And of course, the Indians."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(seeing her) Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat it, I'm in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, it was great. You should be a chef."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Emotional Knapsack?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don聮t take to long okay? 'Cause uh, we're gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dude, don't do that too me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, it's not that, I just don't want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I called you fat?! I don't even remember that!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we used to look. (They both quickly push their sleeves over their elbows.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica, I was wondering if you can make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you all right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Without my toe?! I need my toe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's why I lost my toe?! Because I called you fat?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail. (He storms out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well, sorry doesn聮t bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home! I hate this stupid day! And everything about it! I'll see you later."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, just leave me alone for a while. (He goes into his apartment.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, \"Quack, quack!\" I聮m happy all the time!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nice try."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, Monica"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is not going to work."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You are so great! I love you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nothing! I said, I said \"You're so great\" and then I just, I just stopped talking!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No I didn't!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No I didn't!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Top of the world? Dock of the bay? (He tries to think of another but can't) I'm out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be Joey's!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See? They're Joey's! J-J-J-J-J-Joey's!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(interrupting him) All this lying has been hard on us too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, yeah actually."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know it sounds really weird, but we're just so bad at relationships."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Help!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, Pheebs!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn't know you were taking a class. That is so cool."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, what did the police say?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross, it's just a sandwich!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(reading) Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me. Okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What is going on here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no, wait! There's got to be a better explanation. You can tell them you had to make an adult film for your (Thinks) adult film class."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh聴I don't know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(gasps) You're naked in this picture!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Which I may say, right now, is out of control."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And you're okay with that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Sees the picture) Oh no! No! No! No! (Monica gasps as well.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, look! Look. I think I can explain this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey's a sex addict."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well let's聟.let's see what everybody thinks of that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you sure Joe? Are you sure you're not just a sex addict?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler Bing, 0."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I'll stop."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You wanna play?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets home."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm intrigued."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but be careful okay, because I wanna get our security deposit back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering from his room carrying a fire extinguisher and wearing oven mitts) Oh yeah, it's great! See you take a tennis ball, a bowl, and some lighter fluid聴Op! Op! (He puts out a small fire which has re-ignited in his room.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering from his bedroom) Guys, come on! Let's go! The puck drops in 20 minutes! Come on, Joe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, why can't you do them tomorrow?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) Why don't you cut him a little slack? Okay? Maybe if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get some work done."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The only reason you're doing this to Joey is because you're bored. Okay, it's not his fault that you're unemployed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I paid for those tickets!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah! (Makes an unintelligible taunting sound.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "When did that happen to you?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah. First off all, chasing the Churo guy isn't jogging."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, bye! (To the gang.) Oh my God!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't believe they're brother and sister."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh hey! There's some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there and give them a project, ruin their day?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great! Now, we can go to the Ranger game! (Pause) Last night!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah or also when you don't have somebody breathing down your neck ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right. (Takes a copy.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What is up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, it was me. I'm sorry. I over reacted."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Could I be more sorry. (Looks at Joey.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) I'm sorry too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am sorry, Ross."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This took you all day?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(deadpan, standing next to Monica) We're very happy for you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so y'know"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Happy New Year!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you want us to leave the room, or?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the \"new thing you do that day!\" (Ross looks at him.) And it starts right now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nice!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(reading it) Elizabeth Hornswoggle?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Horn-swoggle."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd heard it somewhere before. (Sits down rubbing his temple.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What an interesting approach to guitar instruction. Y'know some might find it amusing, I myself find it regular."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(notices something) Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? (Pause, no one speaks.) Someone comment on the pants!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's not what I had in mind! See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. (Motions to Ross's buttock.) Maybe there's something in that area."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh come on!! (Storms out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, me too. Y'know if this shirt is dirty. (Smells it.) Yep."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Oh good, okay, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, okay? Here! (Hands him the 50 bucks he's about to owe him.) Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggile Rock?! (He sits down and sighs in relief.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did they teach you that in your anger management class?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, I can do this. (He takes her hand.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I asked myself that very question, sir. Uh, (Points to Monica) this is Monica. (Points to his boss.) This is my boss, Doug. Doug this is Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, sir."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that was my work laugh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, believe me, to survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Everybody at work loved you last night!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And! They like me more just because I was with ya! I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club. (She glares at him.) Strip church. Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh I used too, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at聟bigger rocks. (He starts to leave and stops an entering Rachel.) Hey Rach, do you have a tennis racquet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, good luck with that. (Exits.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, easy Martina. I think we should let them win the next game."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let them win one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're not even giving them a chance!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes, sir! Put me out of my misery. Are you sure you never played pro? (Does his work laugh.) (To Monica) Please let them win!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oopsey, missed it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Long! (Gives Monica the Work Laugh.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it. (Removes a smashed racquet from his bag.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It was my racquet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If we hadn't lost the game they never would've invented us to dinner tomorrow night."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay y'know what, because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Just a little bit of sugar."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, you get used to it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So I laugh at my boss's jokes, what's the big deal?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh. (Does a double take when he realizes what she just said.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I-I just didn't think it was funny sir."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I just"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think I do! (They all laugh.) Thank you, Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Coffee in a fight! (Does the laugh again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(from his bedroom) All right, so you're telling me that I have to tell racist jokes now?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But we're not ready to tell yet!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Man, she is really gullible."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why would I be mad?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(realizes what Ross just said and the implications to him) I am mad! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna forgive you! Because that's what friends do! They forgive their friends when they do everything you just said, all on the list there. Well, but I want you to remember that I forgave you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I also want you to remember that I let you live here rent free!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And, I want you to remember that I gave you twenty (counts his money) seven dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't remember that, I think we should write it down聴let's write it down!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! Look at that, time's up! My turn!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's your timer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, then massage me up right nice!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah! Ahh!! Ahh!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good-bye muscles!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just聴I didn't know what it was!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Okay, I'm not gonna screw that up by y'know, telling the truth."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And you're gonna make them all disappear."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Done."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And a date with a man!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(wincing) Yes, he is!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry but, ow-owww-owww!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, is Rachel here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(falling into that trap) I don't like your massages."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but now see you're crying!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, you give the worst massages in the world."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, \"Who's the best of that?\" They'd have to go to you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Absolutely!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! (They hug.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey man, how did the audition go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, hey! (Ross nods in agreement as well.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah umm, they're called wallets."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And we're done with the chicken fried rice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Or we can do the actual telephone thing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hello children!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. (Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.) Are you okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's going on?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, my Grandfather was Swedish and my Grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know that is a popular opinion today I must say."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, I think, I think Phoebe was hitting on me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ow!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, y'know I-I can't hear that enough."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me! She touched my bicep for crying out loud!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well it's not flexed right now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure, I'll do it with ya."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That new mountain bike?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your work makes me sad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you serious?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(a little hurt) Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps聴She knows!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Joey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe knows about us!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh man!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day. (He's holding the phone so that Monica can hear it as well.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, they're totally gonna back down!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(initially worried, but gets over it) Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How do you know?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "At this?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me? No. You?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So do I."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm gonna put on some music."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You look good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, do you not want to?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(swallowing hard) Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, you're-you're going?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having all the sex."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not if I kiss you first."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because I'm in love with Monica!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Love her! That's right, I聟LOVE聟HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. (Pause) And might I say your breasts are still showing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I'm going on the lamb."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(interrupting) Whoa-whoa-whoa! We're having kids?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Rachel) Sounds like a fun party."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Very, very funny, but don't say things like that in front of Monica. I don't want you putting any ideas in her head."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wh-wh-why?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! I聮m right. I'm right. Am I right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. It's not different at all, is it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hmm."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, here, somewhere else, y'know where-where ever. (Gets up.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I'm cool. Casual."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having fun. Y'know with the girl that I'm seeing casually."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you do want all that stuff, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and everything that's related to babies and-and marriage! I've got an idea, why don't we turn down the heat on this pressure cooker?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the head--in your head!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I did not know that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me? This is, this is fixable."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "By me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica. (Goes to talk to her.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Just tell me what I need to do to make things right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute again."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I need to talk to you, it's urgent!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one knee.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(getting out a ring box) Monica"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Will you marry me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm doing this because I'm sorry?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth y'know, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married. (Laughs.) Will you be my wife?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I'm kinda wishing everyone wasn't here right now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns to look at Ross and Joey.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn't think I was!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door. (Points at the door.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, how long is this going to go on."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's not funny."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. (No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! I don聮t want to talk about it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well there you have it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(straining) Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh, I do! I do! I do!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Rachel) He has a gun!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey Monica, here's your broom back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh hey, how'd the interview go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So what happened?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well you coulda tried, not kissing him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on, Rach."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I gotta check out this hot girl! (He heads to the window but realizes something, stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is! (He dances over to her and kisses her.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Gary) So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gun?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you聟 (He gestures and spills some of his coffee.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohh, so?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was amazing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was amazing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, you're the best."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, you're the best."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, it's so cool. (He opens his coat and has it pinned to the lining.) Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. (Pause, softly) That's pee-pee. (Heads for the bathroom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica! This is the Men's room! (Pause) Isn't it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! Okay? So why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(gasps) So?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting. (Kisses her.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our relationship."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! (Does a dance of joy.) (Monica glares at him.) And now we're back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) You guys ready fore the movies?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (He picks the 9 of Spades)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pause) Yes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi there!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Unwilling to steal from work, interesting."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dude! That's my girlfriend!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Weirder than watching his two moms make out? (Monica nods in agreement.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, it is the best."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I wanna go to babe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah sure. What's in 'em?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know I rued the day once聟didn't get a whole lot else done."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shocked) Well I mean, let me get the door first. (Goes and opens the door.) Oh, hi! No one. (Exits.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, there's something different though--Oh my God! You smoked!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I wish I had smoked for my career"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think you smell great! (He sniffs her shoulder.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great job with the cups, Pheebs!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Awesome!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There are snow cones! (Monica glares at him.) Snow cones! Yuck!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you! Thank you! (Runs to the snow cone machine.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Kim and Nancy) Oh, hi! Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to meet her for lunch."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll catch you guys later. (Exits.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, bye!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was not flirting."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was not flirting."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was not and oh God, shh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've done it again."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The one that doesn't."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If you said, \"Big lima bean, bubbling up.\" Would she understand the difference?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're welcome."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(smiling) Well, what is it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Doesn't know, \"Hello.\" But she knows Capricorn One."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, \"I'm just flirting, no big deal.\" But the guy is thinking, \"Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's true."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Again true."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Okay. (Walks away.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh the humanity."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "More so than anything else."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Almost over man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why am I looking?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You couldn't have at least changed your shirt."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(singing) Ground control to Major Tom! Commencing countdown聟engines聟on!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You ready?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You look amazing. I'm the luckiest man in the world."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let me see the earrings."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey man, what's up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, yeah! Me too!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I like danger."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tonight? You-you didn't say it was going to be at nighttime."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It is starting to get dark out there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughing) Okay. (Deadpan) But it is officially nighttime."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your tax dollars?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't smell your sandwich?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I'll give them back. (Exhales strongly through his nose and Joey just glares at him.) Look! What is so great about that sandwich?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sur-surprise him? We're not, we're not gonna make anybody mad are we?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How do you figure that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, when you say partner it doesn't sound cop. It, it sounds gay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, y'know, we-we're safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's going on?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, HELLO!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pouting) It was a car backfire!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who jumps at loud noises!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! Y'know what, I think I'll go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. (He gets up and starts for the door.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. No I'm just tired. Y'know, from-from the walk."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You dove in front of Ross! Ross!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I do not hate Ross!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What picture?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "From a bullet!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Much sense?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you risked your life, for a sandwich!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you didn't uh, choose Ross before me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(with his mouthful) Oh-oi-ho, yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hm-hmm. (Goes to take another bite.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Before or after you were shot by your own troops?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Yeah, see, I can't pull of baby-doll can I?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hiya doin' pumpkin?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(terrified) Right, because it's fast. Because, it's so fast. It's fast!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, what are you gonna do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me?! Why me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know? Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey ladies! What are you in here for? (Laughs at his joke.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Gary, I'm here to report a crime."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It is a crime that you and I don't spend more time together."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I heard that you thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be y'know, live-living together!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean scared."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Scared? Happy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don't you see, if you lived with Phoebe she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You wake up and oh yes, she's there!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Were you're parents happy, or something?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, y'know when you say it, it doesn't sound so scary."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I think I do! Y'know what? You move in with her! You move in with her right now! Maybe I should in with Monica!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pause) Yeah, you're right about that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes I did, and I think you should do it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sorry. (Pause) If you ask me, I'd move in with him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Gar!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Four hours? You guys have been doing this for four hours?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, let me in. (He jumps off of the counter to join in the game.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not a dropper!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's throwing and catching!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! Oh! That's so hard. (Starts to juggle the ball, but loses control and almost drops it and hands it to Monica.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, you almost overreacted to something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not fun anymore?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on! Gary's such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that is over!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You guys wanna eat here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Okay? I'm anything but a dropper. (We see various scenes of him dropping a football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball bouncing off of his chest. I'm not going to describe them, you'll have to see them.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, Richard. That's all I ever hear, Richard, Richard, Richard!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so Richard, Richard!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How much did I love The King and I? (Oh, you get the point by now.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You okay there man?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow umm, calm down."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I know that means buddy!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, uh, we can talk about that too Pheebs."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going to do about my job?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, great, road trip baby! (To Monica) This okay with you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? Do I need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in different colors.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I see, but once you get your first paycheck you'll be springing a big hotel suite, right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you don't get paid unless the movie makes money?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, bye-bye now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road once."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Isn't that Ross's money?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Too dry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I also said, \"Yes!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! (Realizes) Ahhh!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look Joe, I just, I just don't want to get your hopes up real high."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joe, I don't think this is going to be your big break."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, you don't want me on the trip?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, fine! Fine! Why don't you pull over? I'll get out right now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right!! (Gets out and Joey speeds away.) Wait! Wait, there's no sidewalk! Yeah, I'm gonna die here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey kicked me out of the car on the George Washington bridge!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I figured you guys would all be mad at me. So I got you some gifts that I found on the side of the road. (Looks into the bag.) Who wants the teddy bear with one leg?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(who has just entered) Is that Joey? Is that Joey? Let me talk to him! I wanna talk to him!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, he won't even talk to me. How am I going to apologize to him if he won't even talk to me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's a good idea. I wonder where I could (Pause) get a basket of porn"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Phoebe) Is that Joey?! (She nods yes) Let me talk to him!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Phoebe) Y'know what? I have been trying to apologize to him all week! If he's not gonna let me do it on the phone, I'm gonna go down there and do it in person."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Joey) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no, I've supported you one hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in person!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Forgive me? You haven't been taking my calls in a week!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, what was that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Huh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, but it's not 'til tomorrow!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do we have to?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay this is great, but Joey said he didn't want any of us out there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I think we should see other people."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's a great idea. (They kiss)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know Pheebs, it's kinda our (His and Monica's) anniversary."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(coughing) Art lover!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I said art lover."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know, I'm very tired."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So it's pretty much the same Pheebs."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I guess it's a little better now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Happy plane-aversary."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can I give you a present now?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! (He grabs his carryon and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Don聮t tell me I did this!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How do you feel about the, \"I really did forgot the present, please forgive me\" not fake out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohh that's the worse thing that can happen on an anniversary ever!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What-what Richard thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What Richard thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(talking out of the side of his mouth) I'm not mad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite! It's no big deal. (He still ain't happy.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Love your condoms my man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?! What happened?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no, that's okay, apparently there's a new policy where we don't have to share everything with everybody."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! Her boyfriend Richard!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "When you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don't tell me about it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks. (They hug.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pushing her away from another hug) Next time?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There's not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's so funny, because I think I just did!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine with me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you talking"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can't believe this is how I'm spending my anniversary."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a gym, y'know build up my upper body and hit Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good luck!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I see."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(totally confused) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's an identical hand twin?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you sure you weren't (pause) looking at your hands in a mirror?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(totally confused) How?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Again I must go back to, how?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Pause) Y'know, I-I can't really put a price on that Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! No! I support you 100%! I just didn't, I didn't get it right away. Y'know now I'm caught up! Identical hand twins! It's a million-dollar idea!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was Joey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well, she's probably talking to Richard."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (He gets up and goes to find her.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(walking by with his luggage) See you later Mon."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What does it look like? I'm going home."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on! I was there! (He's propped up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he's the love of your life."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(arm-in-arm with Monica) Hey Pheebs!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, she couldn't live without the Chan Love. (They start kissing.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! I've-I've never seen a roll like this in my life!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, ah umm, ah, a 8. Ah, a 6?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "8. 8!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Noo!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, ooh, try a hard 8."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Two fours."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-wait-wait! We (motions to Monica and him.) get the biggest suite in the place."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can't even remember what we were fighting about!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Another hard 8."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and we get married here tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! I love you! I've never loved anybody as much as I love you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must've been some movie I saw.} What do you say?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! Come on! Let's go! All right!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(spots one) Okay! That's a four! And where-where's the other one?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here it is! Here it is!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's a four."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let's go! (Starts to leave.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I've had since I was twelve."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't think so."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looks around) Here just聟take this. (Hands her the sweater.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello! One marriage please!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(singing) Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that's The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!! Is everybody getting married?!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! Well that-yes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We actually missed it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s a buffet man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen, I gotta talk to you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica and I almost got married last night."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I just don聮t think Monica and I are ready to get married yet! Y聮know? I mean, I love her and everything but seeing Ross and Rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast. Y聮know? And, how do I tell her without crushing her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(returning with Joey) Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? Or"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(not quite sure) You did."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this one聮s free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third one聮s free."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know. But I-I-I know I love you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? I love you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, we don聮t get married unless there聮s a sign! Okay, so say uh, say you roll another eight (motions to the craps table) then there聮s a definite sign that we should get married."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sounds great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ready!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(deadpan) Yes, yes eight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was so unlikely. Well, let聮s get married! I guess."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. (They go pack.) We聮re doing the right thing, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well you did pull his hair."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m not getting into this again!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There. Okay. (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by his neck.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, should we just, should we just get married? Y聮know? I mean should we just do it? All the signs are telling us to do it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me too!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Jeez, relax! It聮s not like we聮re mar-ah-ah!! (Runs out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, slowly) Y聮know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, what if all my stuff was here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I聮m saying?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me asking is kind of a sign."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!!!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh thanks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The door hasn聮t been locked in five years, but okay! (Runs out.) Ready?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I can聮t get in!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is not a sign!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s an old key!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I love you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you hugging the door right now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah-yeah, me neither."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The key聮s stuck in the lock."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(trying the handle) It still doesn聮t work."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nice job Joe! You聮re quite the craftsmen."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. When it comes to sweets, he聮s surprisingly strict."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, I keep trying, y聮know? I can get out, \"Joey, I have too聟\" but then I lose my nerve and I always finish with, \"聟go to the bathroom.\" He may think I聮m sick."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, so that聮s this is gonna work now? You聮re just gonna order me around all the time?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-o-o! (To Monica) No? (She nods no.) No-o-o! Look Joey, here聮s the thing, Monica and I have decided to live together, here. So, I聮m gonna be moving out man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I-I聮m just gonna be right across the hall and I promise you, the minute Monica and I break up I聮m moving right back in with you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking down) What gave me away?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so that聮s it, everybody knows! It聮s official, we聮re moving in together. No turning back. Are ya scared? Are ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow that was my scariest voice! You聮re very brave."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap. (Awkward silence ensues.) Seriously."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I-I still think you聮re very-very nice and very pretty"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) All yours babe. (Walks away.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Rach"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, when are we gonna tell Rachel what is actually gonna happen?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, Joey聮s my best friend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You just said聟 Of course you聮re my best friend. Would you please tell Rachel though?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (She grabs a tin of freshly baked cookies) Oh yes. (He reaches for one.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey-hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, bye! (Exits.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I聮m just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the same stuff."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not once did we do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah? Well, how聮d she take it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And you聮re upset because you didn聮t make your best friend cry?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I gotta ask, who calls us that?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pheebs, I don聮t understand. How can you have a roommate that none of us know anything about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursday聮s was just our thing man!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who was it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I like that idea. Obviously! I was thinking maybe-maybe-maybe it could be a game room, y聮know? I mean you can buy old arcade games like uh, like Space Invaders and Asteroids for $200, the real ones! The big-big ones!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay so you mean no as in, \"Gee Chandler, what an interesting idea. Let聮s discuss it before we reject it completely.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, that聮s it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Which is why Asteroids is perfect! It聮s the oldest game!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t have anything against the beautiful guest room, especially since everybody we know lives about 30 seconds away!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I聮m not mocking you, (in a mocking voice) or you beautiful guest room. (Exits.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nothing, Monica and I had a stupid fight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(reading the ad) \"Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly.\" Nice!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, listen, I聮m sorry about before. I don聮t need to have a game room. I mean when I was a kid I only played those games because I couldn聮t get girls, and now I can 聭em聴Now, I have you. (Monica glares at him.) Not-not that I think that I have you or think of you as property in any sort of way, I see women"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s a great idea! We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We don聮t have to come up with this now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, y聮know what? Why don聮t we think about changes we can make in the living room?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I mean we聮re gonna have to move around some furniture to make room for my chair. (Kisses her and heads into the living room.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is that a problem?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that聮s cool. Then I聮ll just bring them both over."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I get it. So, I get nothing! Nothing here is mine! Everything here is yours! I聮ll get up in the morning put on your clothes, and head off to work!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "In the game room!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right! That聮s fine! That聮s fine! I won聮t bring over the chairs! I won聮t bring anything over! I wouldn聮t want to ruin the ambiance over here at Grandma聮s place!! (Storms out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) You can call off the roommate search! (To the potential roommate) Hi! I聮ll be living here. (Heads for the bathroom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why did you take the shower curtain down?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, why don聮t you tell her to stop being silly! (Monica mocks him and he joins in.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, we are fond of the silliness, but we also have a soft spot for the love."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s laughter."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He聮s being silly, because he knows that we enjoy the silliness!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I'm not so worried."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Of course!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God! Someone聮s killed Square Man!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that聮s so sweet! I want to show you something too!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know those big-big uh, road signs that say \"Merge?\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know? So I was thinking that we could get one of those signs and hang it over our bed. Because, that聮s you and I together! Merge!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, what聮s the matter?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you聮re gonna go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why don聮t you open with a joke?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait a minute, hold the phone! You聮re not talking about Chuckles University?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s the way I did it 聭til I was 19."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor聮s Guild."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(opens and reads it) \"Benefits lapsed.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, it聮s not a check. They聮re saying your health insurance expired because, you didn聮t work enough last year."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sorry man, there聮s never a good time to (pauses) stop catching on fire."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s great, but shouldn聮t you be on the toilet right now?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s wrong with you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This sounds like a hernia. You have to聴you-you go to the doctor!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s a hernia."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let聮s just get that thing聟pushed back in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh Joey聮s got a really bad hernia, but that聮s nothing a little laser eye surgery won聮t fix!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen, I聮m really glad you got the part."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But are you sure you can do this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now, is that never talking about it again?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why don聮t you uh, lift up your shirt? (He does.) Take a look at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, all right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross, just for my own piece of mind, you聮re not married to anymore of us are ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You left a shoe here?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, I聮ll be sure to give him your shoe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(not enthused) Yeah, all right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa-whoa-whoa! What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮m gonna pass. 聭Cause I was kinda iffy when it was puppies."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. It聮s times like these I聮m glad Smell-O-Vision hasn聮t been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When you聮re done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See that聮s where I think that you聮re wrong. We聮ve been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And y聮know Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around聟 (He degrades into baby talk, but he means when they grab his finger.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I聮m a rookie. I should not be in the end zone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Shocking! Since you still have the keys."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What equity investments?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t even have a car!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There you are."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Check it out! Check it out! When the babies wake up, they can meet Krog! (He holds up this Xena-like warrior action figure.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They聮re not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Glass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as Monica and Phoebe turn to check on the babies again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) All right. (Clears throat) I thought about it and maybe you聮re right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I swallowed the sonic blaster gun."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I was trying to prove that I was right. Y聮know? And it turns out I was wrong. And now it聮s lodged in my throat. (Mimics a cat trying to cough up a hairball.) (He does it again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But you found the keys to his clothes?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That is true."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, I think it just moved. It聮s really poking me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think that聮s gum."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, listen this really hurts. Let聮s go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, let聮s just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And protected them from a tornado?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Was the setting of Phoebe聮s triumph."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pause) Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(watches Joey for a moment) Okay! (Joey quickly moves the hockey stick so that he聮s scratching his back with it.) Listen, I聮m gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "First of the month."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, just the months you actually want to live here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, here is the phone bill. (Hands it to Joey.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s our phone number. Now look, I know I kinda sprung this whole me moving out on thing, so why don聮t I just聴why don聮t I just cover you for a while?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s not charity, Joe"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay uh, here聮s the electric bill. (Hands it to him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, we聮ll do the rest of the bills later then?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I hope not! I tried to offer him some money, but he wouldn聮t take it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, y聮know? But I have to trick him into taking it so I won聮t hurt his pride."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well that would help the pride thing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Wow! You look great! Wanna move in with me tomorrow?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! (They kiss) So, what do you girls have planned for tonight?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, instead of just hanging out, we figure we聮d do nothing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh nope, I-I have plans with Joey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but for the last time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He聮s at a dinner party."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I wish I聮d know you were going to do that, I ordered Chinese."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Say, Joe, I had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night. What do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes it would. What do you say to $50?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, let聮s play! The big game, Italy vs. China, apparently."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, give me a chance to win my money back. Okay? Sudden death, one goal, $1,000."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! No! No! No聴(Joey looks at him)聴one can beat me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See? Now, that聮s why only the little fake men are supposed to do all the kicking."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Still broken?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little Blackjack? (Holds up a deck of cards.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, uh, how about, how about聴y聮know what? We could play a new game. A new game, it聮s fun."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Cups."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll teach ya! Come on, come on, it聮s really easy and really, really fun."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, here you go. (He deals out two cards each.) I have two queens, what do you have?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah! Okay, let聮s play again. (He deals out two cards each again.) What do you got?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re kidding right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well that聮s a full cup! (Pays him again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You win."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It doesn聮t matter because nothing beats a three and a six. That my friend is D-Cup. Okay, now much have you won so far?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not 700 exactly?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Double it! (He does.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well you see in Cups, once you get $700, you have to double it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, I didn聮t make up the rules. Now, after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. Now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your total to 1,500. (Joey gets excited.) Don聮t get to excited because that聮s not gonna happen unless you get聴No way! (He takes the top card, which is the two of clubs. Of course, any card would聮ve won. Chandler pays him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s wrong?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wh-How did you lose at Cups?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh man!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, let聮s play one more hand! One more!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t take the big white dog! You love it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, but wait聴what if I bought it from you, y聮know? And your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say (Gets choked up) $1,500?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "When did I try to give you money?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m just trying to help you out! Okay? I wanna make sure that you聮re okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know. (He kisses her.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I invented the game of Cups as a way to give Joey money."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Exactly."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s not a real game! I made it up!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "At a fake game!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! Now I assume the Saucer card came up when you played last."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hmm, let聮s see if it comes up this time. (He looks at his cards and shrugs.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(not amused) And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn't nail the boxes to the floor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, and while I'm doing that, Ross has a great computer story for you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, uh, wh-where ya from?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Unbelievable"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, look at all the boxes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, think about it. Now remember when you were going out with that girl Donna and you guys broke up. Remember how horrible it was when you guys bumped into each other at the supermarket?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now imagine you live at the supermarket."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. (Turns around and sees that Joey isn't there.) Joe? (Hears giggling coming from a box) Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh and look, there's still one box that I have to unpack. (Hears the giggling again)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pretending) Oh my God! You-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, not bad right? You know what, Monica聮s gonna be working late, so I'm gonna make this place spotless. You know what else I'm gonna do, know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some flowers. Now who wouldn't wanna live with me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, now how's that going though? Are you okay with the not-flirting thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What does it look like I'm doing? I am cleaning!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Authorization? I don't need that. I'm gonna put everything back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes I'm gonna put it back (Mocking Ross) exactly where I found it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She's not gonna care if I put her stuff back in the same stupid place."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She is gonna recognize that I did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I see, I see, y-y-you're trying to freak me out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it to you. I'm gonna call her right now. (Picks up the phone and wipes it off) Phone's done ehh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Mon, how's it going?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh come on, come on, it can't be that bad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds like they really need you down there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's, all good! Okay bye-bye Mon! (To Ross) She's-she's gonna kill me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We should start with the big stuff. Y聮know? That'll be the easiest. Uh, let's start with the couch. (He picks up one end and Ross doesn't help) I got it. (He moves it back to where he thinks it goes.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the...(Tries to rest his feet on the coffee table but they won't reach) OK, OK, here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK well here, we'll just move the coffee table closer to the couch."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but the coffee table doesn't match the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...Rooosss!!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no, yes we do my man. Remember when we were back in college and we went to that spring dance and you walked right up to that girl you liked and you could not stop talking about the Irish potato famine?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, Maybe I should stop doing that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's not specific to girls."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, is this lamp in the same place?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(blocks the door) No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!!! You can't come in here! R-r-r-r-Ross is naked."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed too see me naked."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, uh, just come later, we'll get everything squared away and you can come back later."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye! Thank God"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, we have no time okay? We must focus. We gotta get everything back into its original place."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's perfect! That's brilliant! (Starts going through the photo album)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-huh"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I don't see anything different other than the fact that the room got so much brighter when you came into it. (Forced laughter)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay look, don't...don't be mad okay? But after I unpacked the boxes I wanted to do something nice for you, so, I-I-I cleaned the apartment. So I moved everything around and then I forgot where it, where it went back and I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you want me to be afraid of you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh well you're the best. You come here to me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ba dum bumb cheshhh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, my name聮s Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, is Janine around?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can I check out what she did to my room?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th聟 it聮s like a guy never lived in here. Look, you聮ve got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) It聮s spreading already."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Picking up a pillow.) Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Pointing to the table and picking up the box.) Is that your tiny little box, that聮s too small to put anything in?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! Ok, this is not good. You are a guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you let this go, you聮re going to be sitting around with your fingers soaking in stuff."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes talk to her. Be a man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Defend yourself."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohh, yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s weird. I don聮t think my boss likes me either."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah let聮s head off to work."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know聟Oh My God."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Sarcastically) Really."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, what was wrong with your old聟human teeth."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no no no. You聮ll be fine. (turning to Monica) Hillary聮s bind, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. (Rachel walks in.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What???"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am proud of all my friends today."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, I聮m Chandler. Your live-in boy"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish. (Phoebe walks in.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? I聮m going to go over to Joey聮s."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but I feel like I聮ve really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think we聮re two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nah, Nah, it聮s okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a man thing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know when guys hang out they don聮t just drink some beer and hammer up drywall?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No thanks, Josephine.Scene: Ross聮s apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Ross, I was wondering if聟 Oh my God!! Where are all the men???Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Kim聮s waiting for it. The door opens and Rachel is inside.]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica, could you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to the girl with the flowers."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What is the matter with you ?!?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re arranging flowers! (Pointing to the dish on the table.) You got dead flowers! You got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! This is not Joey!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re turning into a women."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now I聮ve upset you? What did I say?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sydney Portier? Hehheh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! That聮s great, they haven聮t seen the place since I moved in!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shocked at the news) Why can聮t I tell them that we live together?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why haven聮t you told them?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why haven聮t you told them?! Wouldn聮t they be happy?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why wouldn聮t they be happy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? What? Why?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is this why they don聮t like me or why you don聮t like me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know, it聮ll be okay. It聮ll be okay. Because when they come over, I will be all charming, I will make them fall in love with me, and then we聮ll tell 聭em."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe, I won YOU over, didn聮t I?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! (Sees Ross is there) Oh, good, Ross! You聮re parents like me, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well Monica just told me that they don聮t."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(annoyed) Do you know why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(angry) Well if people don聮t know they shouldn聮t just guess!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is great, another Thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe I could give thanks by taking my Playstation over to my new apartment."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "[mocks that last comment]."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mr. and Mrs. Geller, you look wonderful, it is great to have you hear, let us take off your coats!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa, snowing out there?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, Ross sure is a great guy, y聮know I聮ve always felt that how a young man turns out is a reflection on his father."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(worried) He聮s the headliner of a gay burlesque show."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yes. Well it聮s very beautiful. It聮s cream-colored and tight [Realizes what he just said and looks worried. Monica and Ross also looked shocked. Judy and Jack give Chandler a very dirty look.] I don聮t mean tight, I mean it聮s not too tight, not that I was looking at-[giving up all hope, he puts his head into his hands.]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shocked) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You do? Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?! Why did you do that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How could it not matter?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What about all that 聯friends forever聰 stuff?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your parents caught Ross smoking pot in college and he blamed it on me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The reason we haven聮t told them we聮re together is because they hate me, okay? So will you fix this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮m not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(clearly lying and hating the dessert) Yeah, this is so good, that I聮m gonna go enjoy it on the balcony so that I can enjoy the view whilst I enjoy my dessert."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(lying) Yes, but if it聮s any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(In a parent-like tone) I聮ll talk to them!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I dunno what it is, it just doesn聮t quite feel like Christmas to me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See now it feels like Christmas!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Joe what聮s up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can see why that聮s hard to resist."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You are aware that she聮s not a monkey, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, you聮re still just a little fat girl inside aren聮t you? (He kisses her on the cheek)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What, what are you laughing at?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t think so."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Rachel) Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can save you time ladies, I聮m right here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? That聮s terrible!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh well, that makes it not terrible."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No not okay, you can聮t look for Monica聮s presents!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, you don聮t have to, and you can聮t because I live here too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I have a great idea for a present for her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If I help, we can find 聭em faster!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you don聮t, you don聮t do that every year do you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because that聮s where Joey gave me some stuff to store that I聮ve never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen! (He does a weird clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda hard to describe.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I couldn't find anything at Joey--Hey-hey, oh hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Those are my gifts, I got them for you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Those are book ends! That's a great gift!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, hey guys!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I could get Monica that聮s as good as garbage?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! Okay! Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait, we can聮t do this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t wanna know what Monica got me. Y聮know? I mean, look, I聮m sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I don聮t know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monica聮s face when I give her my present, and I聮m sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s what you got me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now you do that, you聮re on TV."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you kissed her, so what happened after that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So she聮s just waiting over there for ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff. (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m not your garbage man. I聮m your mailman."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A pharmacist. (Rachel mocks him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You made pottery?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, just like the apothecary tables of yore"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "so then the farmer says, \"That聮s not a cow and you聮re not milking it.\" (Everyone laughs.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look at us, we聮re a couple of couples!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah all right. (They part.) Okay, good night guys."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. (Hands it to him.) You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldn聮t afford it, because you paid dinner last night."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that聮s too bad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s funny, I saw no phlegm."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then why-why is she going to a play?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, why does she not want to hang out with us?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So she was just pretending to have a good time last night? She was lying to our faces?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I am not blah, I am a hoot!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, you sh聴No you said you made that up!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eh, they聮re both good. I generally just go with, Monica聮s drunk again. (Monica glares at him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, one more time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Perfect decibel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh nothing, we聮re just talking. Y聮know, blah-blah-blah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s totally understandable."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I聮m blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating her) \"Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Y聮know I think you can take her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did you hear that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮m sorry man. (Pause) You wanna go watch?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey so, did uh, did she move out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I made that joke up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he聮d ever heard."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Seriously?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I guess."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(jumping up from his chair) Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s my joke."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nah, Monica聮s watching some cooking show. Come on, I don聮t want to miss when they were skinny."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, why is your cable out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa ho."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone bill?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And monkeys can聮t write out prescriptions."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(stops laughing, to Ross) You are not allowed to laugh at my joke."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay (he goes to sit down)."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(visibly upset) He took my joke, he took it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I聮m going to get a joke journal. Y聮know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Picking Rachel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe it聮s the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So is your apron. You聮re wearing it like a cape."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think it聮s great that you work here. You聮re going to make a lot of money, and here聮s your first tip: Don聮t eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s my joke."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let聮s have Monica decide."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mon, get out here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because you聮re the only one that can be fair."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) Don聮t try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) I聮m your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let聮s go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can I finish my story?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve聮s doctor聮s name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, 聭Doctor Monkey?聮 And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m not arguing with that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is not."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, oh hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and聴(He falters and Monica prompts him.)聴generosity of spirit."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Chandler) I聮m out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) You聮re a little high maintenance."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sorry. You聮re not easy-going, but you聮re passionate, and that聮s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I聮m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that聮s good too. So, they can say that you聮re high maintenance, but it聮s okay, because I like 聟 maintaining you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(happily) I聮m off the list. (Sits on the couch.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, buddy boy, how聮d the audition go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.) No way. I聮m not answering that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This coming from the man who couldn聮t split our 80 dollar phone bill in half."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn聮t you be at work?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m so sorry you聮re sick."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m gonna grab you some tissue."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God, introduce us!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, let聮s rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That would be impossible to resist if you weren聮t all drippy here. (Points to his nose.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I don聮t you should say that even when you聮re healthy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don聮t take this personally okay? It聮s just that I just can聮t have sex with a sick person."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? (He gets up from the couch and goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the robe, lying seductively on the bed. Or at least she聮s trying too and as he enters the room, she takes the robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! Y聮know what聮s sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Would you please get some rest!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no-no!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you聮re just, kinda rubbing it on yourself?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s nice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! (Hangs his head in shame.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh come on you big faker!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well that was before all the vaporizing action."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! (Runs into the bedroom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(calling from the bathroom) What are you doing here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We got some Vap-O-Rub in some places."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He聮s taking off her coat!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ho-oh, he聮s gonna get some! (Rachel looks at him.) Of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. Y聮know so umm, he聮s closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. (Pause) Well, I聮m off to bed! (Goes to bed.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking) Is that a swing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yuck!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was like 5 years ago."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(totally not crying) Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m not macho."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I guess I just never really cried. Y聮know? I聮m not a crying kind of guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮d be sad sure, but I wouldn聮t cry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I聮m rich!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that聮s Parent聮s Day, first grade. That聮s me with the janitor Martin."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh they didn聮t want to come!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! Look, I don聮t cry! It聮s not a big deal! Okay?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You didn聮t get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don聮t do porn."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Her ankle is what you聮re watching?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She聮s just doing her job!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There聮s no back to this couch!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah I know, but I figured a shot y聮know? Maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn聮t think I was y聮know, all dead inside."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we聮re up at the altar and I聮m like this. (Makes a bored face.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, well I won聮t uh, worry about this anymore then."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aww, I love you so"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you didn聮t mean any of that?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Maybe we should give them some privacy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(crying hysterically) I just don聮t see why those two can聮t work things out!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(starts crying) I-I can聮t believe Jill聮s gone. (They all look at him.) I can聮t help it, I opened a gate."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure I would!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What, you guys really think that I聮m that shallow?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I聮d probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my job聮s fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I don聮t have to wear a tie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, depressed) Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not \"Archie Comic funny.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Was his question what聮s more boring than him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ehh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I could use the money; it could give me time to write."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well it聮s kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he聮s not real."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-oh, it聮s my boss!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But the Kit-Kats are all right?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I always thought having a heart attack was nature聮s way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But you聮re not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you聮re not gonna die today. I wish I was dead."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, \"Bring me food.\" Two is, \"I聮m with a girl, bring us food.\" Three is, \"I聮m lost and I can聮t find food.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(approaching) Here you go Joe, here聮s the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sorry, I guess I just like the pulp."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, anything for you sir?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aww."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You wanna share it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh you wouldn聮t uh, care. It聮s just a stupid comic book story."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesn聮t want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assist聴as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can聮t have lumps in them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, the doctors say it may kill her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) But I think we should tell her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen Phoebe, he聮s right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, what about y聮know the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sorry you聮re here with me instead of Roger."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I could make it seem like he聮s here. (Imitates him.) \"Here聮s some little known facts about cous-cous. They didn聮t add the second cous until 1979.\" (Mumbles something further.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What was tonight?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Four different women! I聮ve had sex way more times!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey that聮s what I tell girls about me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So was I."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We can聮t do this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, y聮know? Because you聮ve been waiting a very long time and I wouldn聮t want to disappoint you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I do like that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stop it! We聮re doing this! Let聮s do it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! (They both get up.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I have some moves."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, let聮s just forget it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sexily) Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you uh, want to do something tonight?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh. Oh right! Right! Because you聮re still seeing him and uh, he聮s a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when聟 (He fakes falling asleep.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I bet he can."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah! Yeah! Don聮t worry about me, I聮ll be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah I know, guess who beeped him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because you shouldn聮t be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they don聮t just happen. Y聮know? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning y聮know I was just lying there and I couldn聮t wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always y聮know with a friend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know you probably don聮t want to go out with me, y聮know because I make too many jokes and I聮ve never been in a serious relationship and I guess I聮m not technically a \"doctor聟\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, there were two."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I see where you聮re goin聮!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(reminiscing) Ah, finally an explanation."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey-hey, is Monica here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, look I need your help, I don聮t know what to get her for Valentine聮s Day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughs) She was working on Valentine聮s Day so we聮re celebrating it tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend (pause) and her brother, (the camera pans to Ross flashing Joey a very evil look; Joey gets scared) I can聮t do that we promised we聮d make each other gifts this year."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I thought so to until I paper mached one of my eyes shut."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I made a聟 (Does one of those gibberish words.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nothing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, have you guys made anything that maybe I can take credit for?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(admiring his work) This, this actually is a聟 (Does the same gibberish word from before.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Honey, can I ask you a question about the Valentine聮s Day gifts?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do we have to make the entire thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Of course, of course not. I just have to uh, go over to the place where I-I made it and pick-pick it up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sticking his head back in) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, are you aware unagi (does the finger thing) is an eel?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t figure out what to make Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m going crazy! Okay? Do you have any thing around here that looks homemade?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say that your love sends me to the moon."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait a minute, I can聮t give this to her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because it says \"Captain Ross\" on the side and \"I hate Monica\" on the bottom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Okay. (He goes to the closet, moves the clothes out of the way, and notices an empty hanger. He takes the empty hanger and bends it all out of shape. Then he holds it out as if he聮s giving it to her.) Yes honey, I made it myself. (He throws it down and goes to her chest, grabs something, goes to the bed table, and takes out a pair of scissors. He turns around and holds the scissors to the crotch of the panties he just removed.) I can聮t do it. I can聮t do it. (He throws them both down and continues looking. He opens another closet door and finds a tape.) Oh! Oh! A mixed tape! A mixed tape!! (He runs out into the living room.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Hi! You uh, ready to exchange gifts?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, come here! Come here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now, it聮s not wrapped because I just, just finished it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(momentarily terrified) Maybe we聮ll have to listen and see!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s a sock bunny."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not really."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I see. Y聮know umm, Phoebe makes sock bunnies."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, it聮s okay. I don聮t"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(thinking it over) Well, I did put a lot of thought in the tape. (They both run into the bedroom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! (To the sock bunny still on his hand.) You are way to young to have seen that!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You are totally and completely 100% forgiven."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! (Takes it off his hand and throws it behind the night-stand.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You have done enough!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No you don聮t聴get it in black, not brown."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oop!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it聮s like that old saying, have some sex, eat some cake."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who the hell is Carl?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you, aren聮t they?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my good God."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, you have done enough! Okay? You have to stop this now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, the mixed tape."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! You聮re the sweetest! (He tries to kiss her but Monica backs away with a look that could kill on her face.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am so, so, so, so sorry!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I will cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and do anything in there! (Points to the bedroom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on Monica, it聮s our Valentine聮s Day. Please? Please-please, please?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (They hug.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, are we going in there?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, there聮s a big selling calendar, eh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A hot girl聮s at stake and all of the sudden he聮s Rain Man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, is that against the rules?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I see."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I don聮t know man. I haven聮t talked to her in like ten years."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four hundred"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh okay, I聮ll-I聮ll try."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah so, Tuesday?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sarcastically) Thank you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You just thought of that in there?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you smiling about? What is so funny?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How聮s your room Rach?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Have you figured out what started the fire Mr. Fireman?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "God, it聮s great to catch up! I can聮t believe how long it聮s been!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone) Oh that聮s great! Good for you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm聟 (Joey mimes throwing something in the air, catching it, rolling it out, putting it in an oven and cutting it.) Can you hold for one second please? (To Joey) What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone) Hi! I聮m back. (Goes to hang up the phone.) Yeah, that sounds great. (Listens) Okay. Well, we聮ll do it then. (Listens) Okay, bye-bye. (He hangs up the phone and turns around to see Joey standing close to him and screams.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Joey) We didn聮t get to the audition. I聮m gonna take her to coffee and then we聮ll do it then."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, it is not a date! I haven聮t talked to her in ten years! You can聮t just call up somebody you haven聮t talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, y聮know? You gotta, you got to put in some time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, we only went out once."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not once!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughs) Oh that聮s great, my friend Joey聮s in the movie business."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(giggles) My friend聮s name is Joey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮ve always hated that Howie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The nerve huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Refill?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I couldn聮t do it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, relax I just need more time. We聮re going to dinner tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, Dana Keystone from college."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, that was Dana Caplin."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great story again! The yarns that you weave! Woo-hoo-hoo!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no! Stay! Stay! Because you-you should you-you-you should stay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no, that聮s not聴No-no-no!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no聴Really?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(breaking up) Well, it just hurts so bad. I uh"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well maybe there is one thing you can do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but I have this friend. This actor friend and he would kill me if he thought I was doing this umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on Thursday?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, the heart wants what it wants. I聮ll see you later. (He runs off and leaves her with the bill, which the waiter promptly delivers.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, sees Rachel聮s throw) Ni-hi-ice!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Joey) So, you busy Thursday?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Okay. (Joey puts him down.) What are you gonna do to me if you get the part?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! No! No! I was so careful! (Runs out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s Thursday! How was the audition?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, of course I do! My good friend Joey over here. (Pats Joey聮s arm, Joey pats Chandler聮s shoulder, and Chandler motions for Joey to say the same about him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So he has to be a male who has at least $50."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughs) Isn聮t she cute? (On Monica聮s death stare) No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, tell her good luck with that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Do we have any Fruit Roll-Ups?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that聮s so funny because we found someone too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why would our guy be a weirdo?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A face ass?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, our guy is just a floating head."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(horrified) Wait! You look? You-you massaged me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Our guy has great hair."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Our guy smells incredible."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you聟don聮t look good Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s still in there?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is this a service you聮re providing me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Our new fridge? I don聮t live here anymore."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-huh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(not quite sure where Joey聮s going and is a little worried) Okay"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Just tell her the truth! Tell her you聮re not ready."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then you distract her with a Barbie doll."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, I saw you push him!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-huh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait a minute, is she going for spring vacation or is she going for spring break? (Does a little whooping/party noise.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can see it now, \"Look dad, it聮s the Sphinx!\" (Does that party noise again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you sure?! Because our guy smells incredible!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you funny?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Turns out he is kinda funny."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, but Sebastian? What is that? A cat聮s name?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so you will meet our guys?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay now it doesn聮t matter which one you choose, y聮know? It聮s completely up to you. Our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy Phoebe deemed not good enough to go out with herself."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) Well, there you are! So what did Elizabeth say?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know the hotels?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, maybe you don聮t marry this one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good-good-good-good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tomorrow night is good. Tomorrow night is good, but uh, y聮know what? Why put off something till tomorrow that you can do right now? (Laughs) Eldad come here! (He stands up from the next table.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eldad, sit down. (To Rachel) Move over! Move over now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There you go! There you are! (Rachel stares at Monica and Chandler)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi. (To Phoebe) Okay, you聮re too late okay? Because she聮s already with our guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It is the softest hair! Touch it! (Both he and Monica do so.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Rachel) Eldad is much more cooperative! And he can dance! (To Eldad) You dance for Rachel!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So what was it for anyway?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Joey) So uh, what聮s this thing you聮re auditioning for?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That is lucky."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now-now, why would you say that Joseph?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa, she's pretty. (Mentioning the girl on TV)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, ok."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, are we playing this?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! How聮d the audition go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So it did go well."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that聮s great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-oh, what are you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it is overdue."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh come on guys, it聮s not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it weren聮t for (struggles to get this out) Monica聮s allergies. (The duck quacks.) You聮re right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joey聮s not here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the way.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looks down at his clothes) Am I naked again?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah okay, I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them I mean, is it okay if they come visit?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "As crazy as soccer?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean you didn聮t get it from this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, maybe we can fix it y聮know? Maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I messed up. Okay? I聮m sorry, I really messed up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a copier. Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Okay? But everybody聮s allowed one mistake, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller! The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that... [turns around and sees Joey] Hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! No! No! I just kissed her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How is that worse?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I聮m not saying that you should magically forgive me! But you聮re not perfect! You聮ve made some errors in judgment too!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(lets him out) What happened?!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So--You got in voluntarily?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "BEND OVER?!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...And what did you bring?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Janice?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Janice?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey's tailor...took advantage of me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Cupping."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t believe I did this! What an idiot!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you think he聮ll ever forgive me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what? I-I kinda have."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You didn聮t see how mad he was, y聮know?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(coming out from behind the door) I KNEW IT!!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings and he answers it) (On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from his mouth when he realizes what he just did and yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello? (Listens.) No, Joey聮s not here right now, but I can take a message I think. (Listens) He聮s still got a chance for the part?! Oh, that聮s great news! (Listens) Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, that聮s great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! (Hangs up and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle.) Yes! (Reading what he聮s writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked. (Pause) By dog not flowers."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Please tell me you got the message!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The actor playing Mac couldn聮t do it, they needed to see you at 2 o聮clock."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Du-du-I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board, then I went all over New York City looking for ya! I went to Ross聮s! I went to the coffeehouse! I went to any place that they made sandwiches!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry! I-I-I don聮t know what to say."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(angrily) Is that supposed to be funny! I was really worried over here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well that聮s good. Because you didn聮t! And I聮m incredibly happy for ya!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, we could do this all day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You are gonna be a huge star! I聮m gonna hug ya!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think so. Yeah, get off me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Oh, well thank you in advance. (Kisses her.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that聮s right. It聮s your first day! So are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you judging them by their covers? Because you聮re really not supposed to do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait a minute, hold the phone! You聮re not Elizabeth聮s dad?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There聮s a Mr. Bing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny story聟 (He starts laughing then notices that Paul isn聮t happy.) You聮re roommate in college died didn聮t he?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, we were just"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, the little girl creeps me out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why would the baby creep me out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is going in your book?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Damn those robots, they聮re supposed to be our faithful servants!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So do you think uh, Joey聮s more charming than me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, you wish. (Stops to think about it and gets depressed.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hmm."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We said seven!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The only way that I said six would be if the seven聮s, let meet at seven, not at six."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my good God."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(disgusted) What does it say?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you for writing your book. Its-its uh, great book and you are the queen of everything."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) I told you I should not wear this color. (He聮s wearing a reddish-orange sweater.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you knew we were gonna miss the movie!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh I聮m so sorry man! Is there anything I can do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, how are ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(whispering in Joey聮s ear) The reason he just said."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮ve been there my friend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll give up my ticket."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I think Ross is generous too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on machine) You聮ve reached Monica and Chandler聮s, if you聮re listening to this message, we聮re probably screening. (to himself) Yeah we are."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (Listens) Yes, the groom聴No! Not the groom!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(gets up) See you later. (Starts to leave.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(angrily) Well next time ask! Or at least wait for me to ask! (He storms out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on machine) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (The machine beeps off.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday. (Does one of those Chandler noises.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right here! (Clucks like a chicken for some reason.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are available by the way!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, if it really doesn聮t mean anything, because you know that I聮m just not ready"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (They hug.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Totally."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, it聮s beautiful."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for Monica? I can聮t figure this out! It聮s so hard! Should I get her a (turning to each page) Tiffany cut or a Princess cut or a聴ah-ah! Paper cut!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I don聮t want to tell anybody else because I don聮t want Monica to find out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it聮s because I trust you, you聮re one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh all right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh well, we don聮t because we got聟the聟other pl-place."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nothin! This is the nine millionth ring store we聮ve been too and I can聮t find the perfect ring! (Goes over to another display counter and starts pointing at rings.) Ugly ring! Ugly ring! Ugly ring! (Notices that one of the jewelers is watching him.) It聮s a beautiful selection. (The jeweler walks away slowly.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know, I聮m so glad I picked you to help me with this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮m gonna stick with the ring. (Goes to another display counter.) Oh, this one聮s nice! (Pointing to another ring.) I like this one! Sir? Uh, kind sir? Can I see this one?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-uh, yes. I would like to see that ring please."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sir, can I ask you to umm, could you聟hold out that ring and ask me to marry you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(choking up) Oh my God that聮s it, that聮s the ring! How much is it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! Yes, but I can only pay $8,000."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, credit card. (Reaches for it then realizes) Oh no! No-no, but I left my credit card with Joey. (To Phoebe) Okay, I聮ll go get it. You guard the ring."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. How are ya Paul? (Starts to look for his credit card.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, did he hug you?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you can see my dad in Vegas kissing other dads."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m a little busy here Paul."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, a quick one. Come on hug it out. (Paul rushes over and hugs Chandler tightly.) Oh hey! There you go. (The hug continues.) Okay. (The hug continues.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! (Pushes him away.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you have my credit card?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank God! (Grabs his card.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I can聮t go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that聮s uh, that聮s pretty nice but I聮m gonna go with the one I picked first."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They put you in jail?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe, I asked you to guard the ring!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah but when he proposed to me with the ring I got goose bumps."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It was the ring!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t believe I let you talk me into buying this stupid gumball machine looking ring!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, it聮s not! When I looked at the other ring I could see Monica聮s face when I gave it to her, y聮know? And I could see her saying yes. When I look at this ring, all I see is a ring! Unless I look at it really closely and then I can see my own eye. (Does so and laughs.) Look, this is the most important thing I聮m gonna do in my life. I wanna make sure it聮s perfect."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay and he hasn聮t proposed yet because she has no ring on her finger."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! Okay, go, go, go get him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to him) Hi! Hi. Okay, there was a slight mix-up at the jewelry store, the ring you聮re about to propose with was supposed to be held for me. So, I聮m gonna need to have that back. (The guy isn聮t sure.) But, in exchange I聮m willing to trade you this beautiful, more expensive ring. (Looking at the ring.) Ew."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no! This is my fiancee (Phoebe) and her heart was set on that ring. You don聮t want to break her heart now do you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, she聮s dying聟 Of a cough apparently."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(interrupting her) Okay, that聮s enough honey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great! Okay, here. (Holds the ring up for him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! (To his girlfriend) And you are about to marry a wonderful man! (She stunned and he聮s horrified.) Hey! I聮m marrying a dead woman!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Guys? (They ignore him.) I聮ve got something important to tell ya. (Still nothing so he walks over and stands in front of the TV.) Guys? (They lean over to try and watch the TV, Chandler mimics them.) Guys?! (Pause) I聮m gonna ask Monica to marry me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, check out the ring. (Shows it to them.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yep, pretty much."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(goes to hug him and stops short) Heyyyy聴What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! (They hug.) I was gonna wait 聭til uh, it was official y聮know? But I got so excited I just had to tell you guys because you聮re my best friends."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m gonna ask Monica to marry me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Check out the ring."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, she walked in when I was looking at the ring brochures. You can understand that, right? (Ross and Joey look at each other and go back to watching the game on TV.) Guys? Guys? (Walks in front of them again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, well tonight聮s the big night."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. I聮m going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I聮m just gonna propose."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m not gonna mess it up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She聮s not gonna say no."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Phoebe) Give me it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(with his mouthful) Hi Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler can聮t go. We聮re going to dinner remember?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I just get mad when Rachel doesn聮t remember where we聮re going."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you could also give back the money you owe me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, so you聮re already doing your part for the kids."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn聮t agree to that!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) What聮s going on little elves?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and she聮s gonna know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) You are beautiful."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (It聮s a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! Yes! I聮m good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everything聴are you聴are you perrr-perfect?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you can聮t have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you should聮ve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! I聮m fine. In fact I聮ve been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldn聮t imagine growing old with"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?! I聮m Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, that聮s Richard!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I don聮t know why I did that!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Richard聮s date) And uh, you don聮t have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) I聮m Chandler; I make jokes when I聮m uncomfortable."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Richard! No one supposed to know about us! (Richard just smiles at him.) See I, did it again."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮ll sit down. (He slides back into his chair.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. (Thinking he聮s gone.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Richard!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh you knew that. Good!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "For camp!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you聮re not careful you may not get married at all this year!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(after the door closes) What did you guys just do?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Richard was there so I couldn聮t do it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m gonna do it tomorrow y聮know, and-and surprise her, but now you聮ve ruined it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who walks into a room and asks to see a person聮s hands?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is terrible. What am I going to do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can do that, I聮ve had 30 years of practice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesn聮t want to get married?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, just hanging out, talkin聮 about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well聟 Y聮know, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eh"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let聮s take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs don聮t mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that聮s just an ordinary pig not even a pig that聮s good at sports!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If marriage worked, I聮d be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, never say never but y聮know probably uh yeah, never."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don聮t you put down your copy of 聭The Rules聮 huh mantrap?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to them) It聮s okay, I got a plan."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was making a coconut phone with the professor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "My聴Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He聮s not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I聮m supposed to do that!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well what聟 Y聮know what I聮m gonna do? I聮m gonna go over there; I聮m gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) I聮m gonna get the ring! I聮m gonna get the ring! (Does so) I聮m gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) I聮m just going to propose!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where is she? I聮m not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well where did she go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God, I can聮t believe this! Y聮know, I thought聟I thought you were a good guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didn聮t tell my girlfriend that you love her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what? I can聮t believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And what does she have to think about? I love her!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, y聮know? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, she聮d be surprised!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isn聮t fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know Richard聟you are a good guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you talking about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well why didn聮t you stop her?! Why didn聮t you just tell her it was a plan?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well where聟 Where did she go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t believe I ruined this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought聟 (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you聮ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica and I are engaged."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) Okay, you get her in here. (To Joey) You bolt the door. I聮ll be in the closet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s okay, I want this to be your night too. (Raises his class.) To Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "To Monica!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So when you said, \"Get up early,\" did you mean 1986?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Know what I mean?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There聮s gonna be a wedding. You聮re gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(motioning with his hands) I聮m not worried, I聮m uh, I聮m fascinated. Y聮know it聮s like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. (Exits as Phoebe enters from her room with her guitar.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure, you guys don聮t have this problem, you聮re made of wood. (Rachel comes out of the bathroom) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You look great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You okay over there?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, don聮t worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(putting his hands up) Take whatever you want, just please don聮t hurt me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Young! You聮re a man-child okay?! Now go get changed because everybody聮s ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joe?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhh, you聮ve had a lot of sex right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it聮s just the reason that I聮m asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable to聴I mean I really wanted too, but I couldn聮t聟. There huh聴hmm, there-there was an incident."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s happened to you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, what聮d you do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(angrily) I don聮t think that聮s what they were talking about Joe!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, you can pass for 19."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Seriously? Seriously, no! You can play your own age which is 31!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now Monica, I know you聮re upset, but don聮t forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then there聮s going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la (mumbles something)."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because it聮s romantic, but because I can!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, don聮t say anything, you might scare it away."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s Paris, who knows we聮re here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pheebs, we聮re not giving you a deposit for our wedding!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I don聮t care!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What a great apology! (To Monica) And you accept! Okay, bye-bye!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Ahh, third base."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) Why to save your dignity my man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, somebody should. (Monica glares at him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How is that ever going to happen?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) I don聮t care, she slept with me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(interrupting her just in time) Hey! Here聮s a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Goes back to bed.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s the matter honey?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(incredulous) Already?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I got some thoughts on that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What in God聮s name is that?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you couldn聮t get them anyway. Ian doesn聮t plan anymore and Derrick聟 (Off of Rachel and Monica聮s looks) And Derrick is a name I shouldn聮t know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Centerpieces!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think they聮re a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-huh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, I should probably call them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I don聮t think I ever heard that story."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What a sweet story."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. She聮s saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, it聮s gonna be okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that we聮re gonna get married."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I have some."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, close to聟 (Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you聮re not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, come on, I聮ve been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I realize that honey, but I聮m not gonna spend all of the money on one party."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, I am!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ehh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I thought about it too, and I聮m sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮m putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then that聮s what we聮re gonna do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y聮know? We聮ll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, stuff like where聮d we live, y聮know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y聮know, we could have a cat that had a bell on it聮s collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we聮d have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure you do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You sure?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I love you so much."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, totally!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you guys!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, what do you think?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you kidding? Okay, I聮ll give you a hint; I聮ll give you a hint. (Points to his glasses.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I got glasses!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No I didn聮t!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sitting down on the arm of her chair) You didn聮t think I used to wear glasses, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s okay Pheebs, we聮re not having a party or anything, so you don聮t have to get us"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What we want honey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dying people say the craziest things."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Our kids are gonna be fat aren聮t they."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! How聮s the boat?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it聮s good that you finally have a place to do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you know what I was thinkin聮?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nothing, I just like to go like this. (Does it again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh why, do you have a lecture?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then free as a bird. What聮s up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, did-did you correct him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no problem, maybe I聮ll play with my left hand."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Does anybody know me?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don聮t worry about it Pheebs."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "An old cookie?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We can聮t accept this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "聭Cause it聮s gross."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, we owe you a present."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said I could call him dad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Daddy. All right look, here聮s the story. (Flashback to Chandler about to enter the steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we had just finished playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it was really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way around the steam filled room. He takes off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and that聮s when in happened."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Guys?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why do they put so much steam in there?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not that big a deal? There聟there was touching of things."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t want him to tell this story for years."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(getting up) All right, I聮m off to see your dad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figure the best way to do that is face to face聴And by face I don聮t mean his lap. And by face, I don聮t mean my ass. (Exits.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you understand, I聮d feel a lot more comfortable if you didn聮t tell people what happened. Y聮know, I聮m a little聟I聮m a little embarrassed about it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What did you do when they found out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So I guess we wear swimsuits in here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s your mommy. It聮s your mommy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And say nothing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Secret? Married people aren聮t supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No I聮m serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no, I can聮t do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we聮re on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebe聮s secret?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What about him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Don聮t show this to Monica! And don聮t tell her about the W-H-Wow!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh it聮s always nicer to here than, \"Aw crap! You again!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did you not understand the story?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! What聮s up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Huh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! (The oven dings.) Shhh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nancy Thompson聮s getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the shoulder.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I had too okay?! We聮re getting married! Married couples can聮t keep secrets from one another!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Du-ude!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did you not hear me say, \"Du-ude?!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross came in forth and cried!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wow聴whoa!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) You have no trouble telling time now right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Quick! What time is it?! (Holds his watch in front of her face.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know when I said that because we聮re getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah that was stupid. Let聮s not do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn聮t hang out with聟all the guys in my office."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you guys doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oooh, I聮m afraid that does not exist."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who聮s going like this聟 (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know what it is, I just can聮t take a good picture."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮m not in that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, but I should warn you, I聮m not going. I聮m going. (Does The Face while saying that last part.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How about those three pointers?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And those guys were this (Doing the standard \"This Close\" gesture) close to lettin聮 us play this time too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They have that on the napkins at the club."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y聮know you can聮t date him right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dude that is so sad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Could I play?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Does The Face.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I am."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I do? (He smiles, beautifully.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (You聮ll have to see it, I can聮t describe the face he makes, but it isn聮t good.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aww! (Smiles.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t help it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Borrow money from me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why is there jelly on your shoe?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Pause) I聮m right here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m still right here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their attention.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There I am!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know, but don聮t worry, don聮t worry, because I know how to take a picture now. (They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks down), look down, look down聟 (He falls asleep.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahhh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, that looks good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m marrying her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Die Hard still great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮d you rent?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking at the tape) Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I just got uh, got plans."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s sweet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So uh, what did this woman look like?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive聟 (Thinks a little while.) Hold on one second; let me check this out. (He gets up and grabs a photo album."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, let聮s see聟 (Finding the picture he wants.) Okay uh, is that her? (Pointing to the picture.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Julie Grath, my camp girlfriend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pause) No, we聮re still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, 聭cause she came back the third summer and she聮d gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I did not say fat! I said, \"Fa-aa-aw-ow聟\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! Does she still feel bad?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget. (Monica is not amused by that statement.) Seriously, good luck marrying me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can you figure out what I聮m doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the bathroom?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? Are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you feel in love with!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(she opens the door) Julie hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) It聮s a nickname, I聮ll explain later."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken up with you because you were overweight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You-you-you didn聮t know that. (Pause as she nods no.) Well, I guess my work here is done!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "As bad as that went I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I聮m going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I would really love it if could do both."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A hundred and forty-five pounds."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I was 15!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look you have to realize I don聮t think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you聮re Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮d carry you around in my pocket."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Skidmark聮s still got a way with the ladies."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on! Why are we here?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The hot chicks?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow that聮s actually pretty cool."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You didn聮t bring me here to do that, did you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OH聟MY聟GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn聮t tell her we were getting married, did you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did she freak out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughs) You said no right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You said no right?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check聮s in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can聮t wait to read your book Ross!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What do you think she聮s just gonna sit there quietly? You don聮t think she聮s gonna want to make a toast? You don聮t think she聮s gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what? It聮s gonna be okay. Y聮know what? She聮s probably not gonna even want to come."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! That was a lie! See how easy that was?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it聮s going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We聮re not even sure why we聮re having it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I say we go with Careless Whisper."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did she see us?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aren聮t you just a tinsy bit curious?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is that what you聮re thinking about right now?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Janice, I聮m sorry but umm, you can聮t stay here tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Say again?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Feelings, such strong feelings."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I just wanted to show Monica your book. (Ross just glares at him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no. No-no-no."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, we're playing this game I learned at work. You have to name all the states in six minutes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now, that's a lot harder than it sounds. You always forget at least one, or in some cases... fourteen (looks over to Monica)."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, okay, time's up!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that's not bad, Pheebs?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so Rachel's got 48 and Phoebe has the lead in聟vegetables, Joey?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Does South Oregon have a sports-team? (Joey strikes one from his list) There you go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oooh that may be a New World's record (Looks at his watch and picks up Ross' pad)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, Magellan? You got 46 states. (Smiles and hands Ross back his pad)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am only one man! (Monica heads out) Okay Ross, time is up!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them, okay? That is the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kill yourself."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but if you can't聟no dinner!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure, and Joey; do not let Ross look at any of the maps or the globe in your apartment."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know. Maybe it's because it smells a little weird. It's like old pumpkins or something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Which smells delicious!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tell her, I'm allergic, and I will sue!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Huh! Where is the dog?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe, we can hear the dog barking!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What is it doing here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Extremely allergic, okay? If I'm anywhere near a dog for more than 5 minutes, my throat will just close up!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(gasping) Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it still has to go, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, it's um"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) I have to! Okay? It's time! (Joey shrugs as if to say, \"Do what you have to do\") Okay, I hate dogs."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They are needy, they are jumpy, and you can't tell what they are thinking, and that scares me a little bit."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(scared) Is there a puppy here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Tag) Okay, you are new!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, it's just that dogs make me a little uncomfortable."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I don't wanna say this, I don't you guys to hate me, but uh, I don't think, I can be around that dog anymore. Okay, so either the dog goes, or I go. (An awkward silence ensues.) Oh my god!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(comes out of the bathroom) Here I am."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How did you聟know? (Heads back into the bathroom)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(comes out of the bathroom) Where's Monica?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I, I should go in there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is ridiculous. (He heads for Phoebe's bedroom)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica's all upset, because I sent Clunkers away."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I can be a hero, I could do that. I could, I could do... I, w-w-what if, what if it attacks me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And that doesn't scare you? (He walks out)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no he went for a walk."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Please, please, please, don't be mad at me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment to bring back Clunkers. Y聮know, for you, and聟(Clears his throat) I left the door open and she must have gotten out and I looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof, which FYI Ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. I couldn't find him, and I am so, so, so, sorry. But I do know where we could all go ease the pain. (Points up and then over to the street)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Clunkers?! Oh my god!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Clunkers) It is so good to see you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's up to you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You got it. (Starts looking at the pad, while Ross got the turkey out of the fridge and starts to unwrap and it) You got Nevada twice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. (Throws the pad on the table and heads for the bedroom)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there. (Does so.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That sounds like my first bike. (They all turn and look at him.) My dad gave me his old one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! What are you guys doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sorry, who?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But we don聮t know the neighbors."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wouldn聮t it be easier if we just moved?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eh, somebody聮s in a good mood!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, either that or uh聟(Motions towards Joey聮s door.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(about to cry) Am not!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don聮t worry, I聮m brave! I am brave! I聟I am brave! (They get to the door and Monica goes to open it.) No-no-no-no!! (He stops her.) (Through the door.) Can you tell me who is there please?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughs) 4:00 A.M."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work! (Monica looks at him) (To Monica) He does not know that I am not some of us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mm! Night Gar聮! (Monica closes the door.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you cry every time somebody talks about Titanic!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! So are you enjoying the bike?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(with his mouth full) What happened? I聮m just eating candy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Absolutely! Y聮know, because touchie can mean both ass and good worker."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What is the matter with you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe, isn聮t she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what would work?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stop making candy!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean they like you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is that why you became a chef? So that people would like you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(asking a man leaning against the wall) What is going on?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Get in here! (They head for the door and Chandler sees Smokes-A-Lot Lady standing next to the door and smoking, to her) Hey, and you can not smoke in here! (Takes the cigarette and takes a drag for himself.) (Exhaling in ecstasy) Merry Christmas."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right everybody! Just be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!! Pipe-pipe-pipe down! (They settle down) What is the matter with you people?! This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you, and I聮ll bet that not one of you can tell me her name! Am I right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No not (imitating) Candy Lady."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, y聮know what? Forget it, all of you forget it! You聮ve ruined it! Go home! You聮ve ruined it! You聮ve ruined it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re welcome. (They kiss.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! Smokes-A-Lot Lady blew smoke directly into my mouth. Eh-uh聴are you okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Buh-bye. (Hangs up the phone) I just got us reservations at Michelle聮s and tickets to the Musicman to celebrate our first holiday season as a betroughed couple."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "betrothed couple."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pheebs?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Skull?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How long have we been home?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Lovely!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna change your last name to Bing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohh! You guys gonna be living together again?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, she's just so much fun with Joey, I just assumed, she'd still be living with him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No reason, except聟she聟told聟me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! No, she didn't say that. I-I-I think you should talk to Monica now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to the Maitre d') Hi, could we get two burritos to go, please? (Laughs.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Forty-five minutes? We have tickets to the Musicman at 8:00."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is this because of the burrito thing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Give him money? It was a joke!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right, calm down, O'Mally. I'll slip him some money."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, I can be smooth. (Walks back to the Maitre d', very smoothly) Listen, we're a little bit in a hurry, so, if you can get us a table a little quicker, I'd appreciate it. (Shakes his hand)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Walks back to Monica)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Had the money in the wrong hand. (Shows her his left hand with the money in it)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How do you know so much about this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Richard used to do it, didn't he?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mustached bastard"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(walks up to the Maitre d') Excuse me..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(finds his money) Ahh-hahaha! (Turns around to give the Maitre d' his money, but he isn't there anymore)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you Gunther, put it there. (He gets up, and shakes Gunther's hand. A bunch of coins fall out his hand. He sits down next to Monica.) Definitely not easier with coins. (Joey gets up and picks up the coins. Chandler thinks, Joey is just helping him to pick them up.) Thank you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Pheebs!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If you wanna give Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire building, why not get him something a little bit more subtle, like a wrecking ball, or a vile of small pox to release in the hallway?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird聟turtle-man?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But I didn't get to shape my belly like a bowl full of jelly."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine, I'll give the suit back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Santa? Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then it's okay! (They kiss.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because, if Santa and the Holiday聟Armadillo? (Ross nods) ...are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode. Merry Christmas!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt. (Glaring at Joey who聮s nodding.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohh. Mmm."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(nervously) It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聴no! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't return a box after you've opened the box."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because it's too delicious."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the label) Momma聮s Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, I聮m a horrible, horrible, horrible person."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, what聮s at 8:00?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie聮s made some new friends."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I used to undress my cousin Glenn. (Monica looks at him then sushes him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t seem to say goodbye."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I聮ve forgotten what it tastes like okay?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(closing the box) Y聮know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, thank you for lunch."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So apparently we just don聮t pay for food anymore. (Rachel laughs then Chandler notices something.) Do you see what I see?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mrs. Braverman must be out. (They move closer to it.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don聮t want her to come back to bad cheesecake."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, we don聮t want that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But we should take it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake and they take off upstairs.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I聮ll regret it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you doing tonight?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dude! Dude! (Motions that Joey should pull up his pants.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at 9:00."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s what Monica said."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you eating the cheesecake without me?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the cheesecake without me?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what? I don聮t trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I聮m takin聮 it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his apartment.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes! Oh yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well that聮s not fair, you聮ve already had some!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What do we use to split it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(examining the cake) Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh聟 There聮s more crust on this side. Y聮know? So, maybe if I measured"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, I聮ll pick that one. (Points.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(gloatingly and holding his piece) Ohhh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don聮t come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my聟 (Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Stick to your side!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking up with her) That聮s a plane!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(with a quivering voice) No, I聮m not!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because it聮s flattering! (Shivers harder) Come on Monica! Come on Monica! (He goes inside.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(whispering) Monica!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, just quick-quick question, quick question. Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry, I just聟can聮t sleep. Ooh! (Turns on the light and Monica groans.) Where is that book that you are reading with the two women who were ice-skating and wearing, wearing those hats with the flowers on it? Because every time I look at that cover I聮m like聟(Fake snores.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?! (Monica kicks him in the shin.) Ow! (He gets out of bed and heads into the living room.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Shhhhhhhhh!!! (Monica enters) I聮m sorry, I thought maybe I聮d make some warm milk and it would help me sleep."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It got interesting! Damn you Oprah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, y聮know what we can do? Y聮know, now that we are up? We can just like talk to each other all night long, y聮know like we did when we were first going out. It聮d be fun!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Pause) No. No, I-I was, I was talking about the book I was reading."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s correct."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(startled) What? What? What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! You?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(intrigued) Yeah? (Monica nods yes.) I hope you聮re not thinking about cleaning the living room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you know what just happened?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. We were in the middle of sex聟and you fell asleep."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(turning the light back on) Monica?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. So please wake up so we can do it right!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No! No! Don聮t fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make you some coffee. (Monica doesn聮t move as he gets out of bed and as he聮s heading for the door.) And I probably won聮t spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hm-hmm, I told you! (Looks at the clock) I can聮t believe that I聮ve only got two hours before I call in sick for work."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you聮re not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you wanna?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Couldn聮t I just say, \"This is Ross?\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(knocking on the window while outside) Sorry! (Runs off.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey! Joe! (Sees that he聮s not here and starts investigating. He picks up the bag of chips.) Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beer聮s still cold. Something terrible must聮ve happened here! (He decides it聮s not that important; sits down on Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip over.) Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! (He runs out the door, grabs the back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel talking as they are coming up the stairs. Neither of them have reached the landing yet.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮d love to but I聮ve tried that so many times they won聮t even let me in the store anymore."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(excitedly) Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of the Year?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s awesome! That聮s great! What made you do it?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joey聮s chair?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I thought I broke Joey聮s chair! That聮s why I replaced it with mine!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m gettin聮 my chair back! (Heads for Joey and Rachel聮s.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey you broke my chair!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think I should get the chair!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because you (Points to Joey) broke a chair and you (Points to Rachel) broke a chair! The only one around here that hasn聮t broke a chair, is me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, where聮s the logic in that?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you guys? Like a gang or something?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) She聮s not as pretty as she was when she was 29."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No Rach, it聮s not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn聮t that much fun."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross, a sports car? Wouldn聮t it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Joey) Would you put that back on?! Monica聮s gonna be here any minute!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(frustrated) Okay, for the last time. It聮s not named for each individual man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can聮t believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I can聮t believe that you would have a tux that聮s thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Geller聮s shoulder.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ohh! (He quickly removes his hand and looks at it.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(getting up to investigate) Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what聮s going on."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey-hey are you drunk?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, here聮s the thing. We聮re gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you聮re drunk."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮ll take care of it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughing) Okay we have to do something about your breath."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s still yours. Okay, now remember it聮s a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go. (Starts walking her to their room, and has to pass in front of Mr. Geller who聮s sitting at the table and Mrs. Geller who聮s standing next to him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(correcting her) Phil."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. (Monica stumbles on the steps.) Okay, (catches her) you聮re doing great. You聮re doing great. You聮re doing fine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica聮s a little drunk."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Go change! (To Phoebe) She doesn聮t want her parents to know she聮s drunk."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica聮s wasted."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Rachel) Okay, will you just go help her change please!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, open ours next. Open ours next!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "For my last birthday you gave me a hug! (To Rachel) Okay, read the card! Read the card!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no! That was the joke!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, because you聮re not a grandmother!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to a waiter) Oh that聮s great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) How are you feeling?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don聮t talk to anyone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pheebs!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think it聮s necessary. (Backs away anyhow.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, here we go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! How聮d it go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) Monica said wedding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you think you could get through a poem?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Too?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don聮t do it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think it聮s the dying cat parade."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(turning around and looking) Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, \"You聮re half Scottish right?\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why is your family Ross?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the Gang."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I feel like a snack!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no thanks. I don聮t like any thing from my Scottish heritage."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well it聮s just my entire family was run out of Scotland by聟Vikings. Anyway, lots of bad memories. (Makes a few unintelligible noises.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We heard you play all the way from your apartment!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just don聮t feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because we hate them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We have heard you play."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean the spitter?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Easy for you to say; you聮ll be wearing a veil."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry, I just don聮t like the idea of when I say, \"I do,\" he聮s thinking, \"Yeah, I聮d do her too!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were still together."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joe"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Y聮know, we haven聮t found anybody else."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah you can do it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Our minister"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Should we call the spitter?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. O-okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See Joe, not that that聮s not grrreat! But, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! Y聮know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, not us聟 (Motions Joey and him.) Us! (Motions Monica and him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See Joe, we want you to tell stories but y聮know, romantic stories. Nice stories."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joe?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Isn聮t that what happened with you and the bride聮s maid?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But then later that night"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(answering the door) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I was聟 I was exactly expecting company after聟(He looks at his watch.) 9:15."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the bride聮s maid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, you聮re not still upset about what that guy told ya are ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, look it聮s been a really emotional time y聮know, and you聮ve had a lot to drink. And you聮ve just got to let that go okay? I mean you were the most beautiful in the room tonight!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You kidding? You聮re the most beautiful woman in most rooms聟 (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What聮s going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But we don聮t do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How drunk are you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(thinks) That聮s the perfect amount!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It bodes well for me that speed impresses you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yep!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Count of three?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Two!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I think it聮s safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-Joey! (Monica hides under the covers as Joey enters. Remember?)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e聟 (Notices that the TV is turned off.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! No! No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They聮re in my bag over there. (Points.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, could you leave me one?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No I-I-I聮m fine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who did you originally want to hook up with?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever in-intend on telling me about this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, it聮s not important? It聮s not important?! If it wasn聮t for a bride聮s maid you聮d be marrying him (Points to Joey) not me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t believe it. The most romantic night of my life and I聮m runner up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Joey) Look there is no way you聮re doing this wedding now. Okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, it聮s just weird! Okay? I don聮t want to be standing their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I-I-I need聟I don聮t know what I need. I need a walk."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman, and instead you had to settle for Robin. (Walks out and slams the door.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey. Do you want this scone? (Holds up his plate) It came for me but it would probably rather sleep with you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look Joe, I know you wanted to do the wedding"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How can I not be upset? Okay? I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s what you should say."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "When you聮re marrying us; that聮s what you should say."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮d love it if you would do it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But those are the words! Those exact words!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we talked and Monica made me see that I over reacted a little bit and some things in life are more important."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So did Monica tell you about this great band called the Swing Kings that we聮re trying to get to play at the wedding?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh since forever! I used to go all over town listening to bands!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Gap commercial. (To Monica) So did you book them? Did you call?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you want me to call?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Staying out of the way."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure! That聮s one of the great things about being engaged. I聮m not nervous talking to pretty girls anymore."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) Smooth."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Huh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh Joe, when it聮s one o聮clock in the morning and you don聮t come by? That聮s okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? Right across the street?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "When聮d you meet her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excellent! Y聮know Ross met somebody too!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi! How聮d it go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sarcastically shocked) Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in Ross聮s situation?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So this is nice! I wish I didn聮t have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way, what聮s the name the girl you聮re dating?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye! (Exits.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey got meat sauce on the banister again! (He goes into the bathroom to wash his hands.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(returning) What are you guys talking about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But I love swing music!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And there聮s another reason too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t want to say."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well it聮s just while Monica and I were dancing to them it was聟the first time I knew that聟you were the woman I wanted to dance all my dances with."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, honey! I聮m home!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why? Do you another boyfriend in there or something?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know it聮s funny I started it but, now it聮s scary me. So could you come out here please?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh you got a wedding dress? That聮s great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well then why can聮t I see it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay I promise. I聮ll-I聮ll hate it. (She enters.) Wow! You-you look聟hideous."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, that聮s like the most ugliest dress I聮ve ever seen. Wh-why do you to return it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that聮s great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean it聮s like yuck! It聮s terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off of you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(without turning around) I thought you were gonna be gone all day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh totally! (Holds up his finger.) Pull my finger."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kinda. They聮re really big."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. No, see when I first meet somebody it聮s uh it聮s mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and I聮m afraid even more sweating."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. (Monica laughs.) Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well yeah! But now that I know that you聮re having these thoughts, I聮m back to panic, anxiety, and uh I聮m definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(hoarsely) Water! Water! Water!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know I聮m-I聮m really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know I was thinking if we had a聟a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s me! Come on!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(transfixed) Hi! Nice to meet you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll be right with you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. It聮s called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monica聮s eyes.) Say something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is so sad. I mean, I only have like ten pins."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know I think we should invite them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well this is just sad!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, thanks a lot for hookin聮 me up Rach. I want you to know that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sees another rack) Well, what聮s the deal with these? These-these look nice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean like for award shows?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people yelling, \"You are you wearing?! You look fabulous!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, who wore those? (Points to the tuxedos.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not bad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who聮s that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pierce Brosnan?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you serious?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "007?! This is James Bond聮s tux?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I have to get married in James Bond聮s tux!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, it聮s not just that, I would be England聮s most powerful weapon. Jet setting heartbreaker on her majesty聮s secret service. A man who fears no one; with a license to kill. (Worried.) Would Monica let me wear this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A freakish thin date with a hanger for her head?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You can聮t wear that! I聮m wearing the famous tux! James Bond聮s tux!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So聴If you wear that you聮ll make mine less special."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Please, don聮t take away my cool thing. Please?! Pretty please?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, it聮s my wedding day okay? If you were getting married I would never do anything to upset you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was pretty 007."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross is Batman!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much cooler than James Bond!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Batman has a utility belt!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Batman has the Batmobile!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Batman has Robin! (Pause) We get ESPN right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually, I don聮t like martinis."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh, yum! (Runs into the bedroom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I would but mine doesn聮t fit. The pants are a little tight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, does that mean that you聮re not going to wearing yours?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(standing up) Let me try it on!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman! (Finds something in the pocket) What聮s this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "An invitation for the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didn聮t wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell. (Hands him the jacket and walks away.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you聮re welcome. And tell them we聮re really glad they聮re coming."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(yelling from the changing room) All right! I found one that fits!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whose is it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whose is it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, come on! I don聮t care! Come on! Whose is it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you realize you get louder each week?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I figured I聮d buy those. Pat, I聮d like to buy a vow. (Laughs)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right. So uh, have you written yours yet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you happen to know what I聮m going to say?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(watching in her) (in his head) Look at her go! She must love me more than I love her! What聮s wrong with me? Ooh, don聮t open that door."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(writing) Monica, there are no words聟 (To Joey and Ross) There are no words! This should not be this hard!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m so pathetic! Monica knows what she wants to say! You should聮ve seen her. Writing, writing, writing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I聮m not sure I can do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(seeing her) Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, there聮s a nuclear holocaust, I聮m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shocked) There are seven?! (Points to one) That聮s one?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, y聮know-y聮know what, I was looking at it upside down."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(writing) Monica"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(writes what Joey said and waits for him to go on) Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You'll get one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(trapped) Uh, uh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nice try."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, Monica"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is not going to work."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You are so great! I love you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nothing! I said, I said \"You're so great\" and then I just, I just stopped talking!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No I didn't!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No I didn't!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, what if all my stuff was here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I聮m saying?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! I'll do it! Oh God, I thought聟 (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you聮ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I've had a very long, hard day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Joe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke聴(Yelps in pain as Monica grabs him underwater)聴Diet Coke."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It happened in London."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no-no-no! You can't!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe knows about us!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, you're-you're going?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very happy were gonna have all the sex."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not if I kiss you first."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because I'm in love with Monica!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Love her! That's right, I聟LOVE聟HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who are those people?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s going on?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So we both finished our vows."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don聮t worry honey, we聮ll make yours funnier."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, what do you guys think?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You really like it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I stole Monica聮s and changed the name."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that聮s because I didn聮t send him an invitation."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t even know the man. Okay? We聮re not the close. I haven聮t seen him in years."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well he doesn聮t have to know! It聮s not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Trust me, you don聮t want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers聴Think of the money we聮ll save!! (Monica just looks at him.) We聮re not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know we already went over this and I won!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look forget it okay? I don聮t want to go. I don聮t want to see him. I don聮t wanna."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you聮d have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in High School, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet. Y聮know it聮s hard enough to be fourteen. You聮re skinny. You聮re wearing speedoes聴That your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the stands and there聮s your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. We was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He had sex with Mr. Girabaldi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Does it matter?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah o-okay, but I聮m just doing this for you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So I really never get to win anymore?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I just ordered a beer! (Pounds the table.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! No! I don聮t want him to know we聮re yet! I聮m not sure I聮m ready for that. And besides he聮s not gonna be too happy to see me either."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know if I聮ve told you this, but he聮s kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, he聮s made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Y聮know it聮s all very Cats in the Cradle聴I don聮t want to get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And there聮s daddy!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Believe me, I聮ve been saying that for years. Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s Mr. Girabaldi playing the piano."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He聮s coming into the audience. He聮s coming into the audience."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It can聮t happen like this. Okay? I聮ll meet you back at the hotel."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(resigning himself to his fate) Chandler. (He quickly sits down.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, they聮re a hoot."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually Monica and I are engaged."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait! Wait! We聮d really love it if you could be there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know it would make me happy, ma聮am."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Thanks for making me do this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) When I was growing up I聟played the one on the far left."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The young hot ball and chain."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I聮m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But you聮re still my friend?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "During this time聟are you, are you still my best man?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do I still call you Ross?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So are we聟friends again?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Pause) You won聮t believe what Monica聮s older brother just said to me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering from the bedroom) Okay. Here聮s a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, include more people in this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well you don聮t have to sound so surprised."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honestly? Me too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Y聮know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I聮ll go all聟Chandler. But nothing has."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. I聮ll be right there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We聮re the Bings."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (She聮s wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi聟dad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How did you guys find me? I knew I should聮ve hid at the gym!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I聮m related to Monica. How is she?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! No! No! I can聮t do that!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because if I go home, we聮re gonna become the Bings! I can聮t be the Bings!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody聮s! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I聮ve met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don聮t race cars! I don聮t make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I want to. I love her so much, but I聮m afr聟It聮s too huge."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well yeah, but then"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Depends on what you mean by we."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah okay. Well, what聮s the next little bit?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. You聮re right. Hey I-I can do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts to leave)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh fresh air!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross! (He starts to get up.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(standing up) That聮s right! I聮m not!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know about Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t know?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica聮s pregnant."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and that聮s when I uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.) Yeah, y聮know what? I thought anything that can fit into this, can聮t be scary."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so she聮d know I was okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) I聮m so glad you here. (He kisses his mom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you Joey?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(in Monica聮s ear) He聮s Greek Orthodox."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) No, that聮s okay. (Ross nods and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever gonna had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way it聮s okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I聮m sure? (He leans in and kisses her.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) I love you. And I know about the baby."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Our baby."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then聟who did?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh uh-uh, no-no-no-no-uh-uh. (He starts laughing, causing everyone else to laugh.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Rach! (She breaks up and goes back into Monica聮s.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What the fu聴(beep)聴ck are you doing?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you guys doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You see, I don聮t say聴(Starts laughing.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(noticing the woman on the screen) Whoa! She聮s purty!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica聮s gotta have the phone in the right place and聴(Frantic babbling.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?! What are you talking about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who聮s the father?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "As in Barbara Streisand聮s husband James Brolin?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know I am the groom right? I was told it was kinda big deal."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Before we go out there I聮ve got a present for ya."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ve been taking dancing lessons."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, the last six weeks. I wanted this to be a moment you will never forget."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So? Would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know, it聮s these new shoes, they聮re all slippery."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not well."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bravo Dennis thanks for pleasing my mother so."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Funny: ha-ha or funny: (Mimes blowing his brain out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What size shoes do you wear?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great, because my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor, can I borrow the boots from your costume?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking at Joey聮s feet) Those aren聮t eleven and a half."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And the world will never know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, I told him how talented you were. I told him all about Days Of Our Lives."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But you聮re not just a soap actor. You are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did it turn into sand?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sliding up behind her) No. No, I won聮t. Do you know why I took all those lessons? See, for the first time I didn聮t want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to the front desk clerk) Hi! We聮re checking out of the bridal suite."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I聮m the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh honey, come on don聮t be upset. We still have so much to look forward to!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We got the honeymoon."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The wedding pictures?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not the disposable cameras from the tables."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? What did you take a picture of?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, well I聮m gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. (Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. You聮re 32! (Exits)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey. (He sees that Ross is packing all of the hotel toiletries) Soaps? Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah but you don聮t need聴(Picks up something)聴What is this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Score! Where are the disposable cameras?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I said"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you don聮t have the cameras?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So? What? What? They聮re gone! Monica聮s gonna freak!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Did you find the cameras?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! And that聮s why I聮m under the table. Celebrating."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well this is great. Y聮know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she聮s really depressed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All my energy is going into not asking that question. I can聮t believe I screwed this up!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you serious?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Marriage advice? Really?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know, Monica picked out the flowers."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She picked those out too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to another couple) Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhh聟 Yeah sure. (Holds the camera up to his face.) Click!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah. I聮ll take, I聮ll take your picture. (He takes the picture with his finger over the lens.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why don聮t you go up on stage. I聮ll get a picture of you doing the speech."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, you ready for the last picture?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Get ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.) Congratulations on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture, and they both run out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We聮re back!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s picture time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(showing her the pictures) Here聮s a picture of Ross. (Shows another one.) And that聮s me. (Another one.) And that聮s me and Ross. (Another one.) Oh-ho, that is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, so this isn聮t a picture of our first, but it is a picture of my first kiss with聟with this lady. Which by the look on your face I聮m sure you聮ll remember. So we don聮t need聴(Rips the picture)聴There聮s no need to have this picture. How about I take the real pictures and get them developed right now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Sees the living room.) You opened all the presents without me?! I thought we were supposed to do that together!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Call it even?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Babe! Aren聮t you excited we聮re going on our honeymoon?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(singing) Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮d better go pack."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A Speedo? Uh, I don聮t have a Speedo. I聮m gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit. (Goes into the bedroom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey, what was that all about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(in a high pitched voice) What?! I didn聮t even know that聴Why didn聮t you tell me?! (Pause) Why am I talking like this?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(in the high pitched voice) What?! (Normal voice) I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You already know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh honey, leave them alone, they聮re in love."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We are on our honeymoon."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "25J and K, any chance those aren聮t together?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Just act like you belong."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Shh! (To the guy behind the counter) Nice to see you again. (They tries to walk past him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, of course. (Shows him the tickets.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that聮s all right, I have it memorized. It聮s 1A."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Apology accepted. Excuse us. (They try to enter again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh you聮ve got to be kidding me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We聮re you just ten seconds later!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looks at Monica then at them) We need the stuff."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What else is new?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I can聮t wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They聮re terrific, and they live right here in the city."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sorry, we聮re just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We really聟didn聮t get a chance to"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross! It聮s got your wavy black lines!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know who has a great video camera?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let聮s call 聭em."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here you go. (Shows her the number again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know! You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful, great questions."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we聮re gonna need to see that tape. (They rest of them agree.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I still don聮t get it, we didn聮t do anything wrong."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke! Joke! Joke!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well maybe it was all of your questions."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The sheer volume, it was like flying with the Riddler!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(angrily) Was that another question?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did you do it on our invitations?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, just the ones gave back to us and we had framed! (Slams the framed invitation down onto the table.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s the magic story you use when you wanna have sex!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Jenny! That is so Jenny!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s funny about that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey that聮s okay. So, where do you want to go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The Hard Rock Caf?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Again?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You like the Purple Rain display! (A guy walks up.) Hey Bob."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, he thinks that聮s my name."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh it聮s been going on way to long now. Y聮know, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn聮t say anything. And then the next time he said, \"Hey Toby, do you want a donut?\" And I-I wanted a donut. And now it聮s five years later, the donut聮s gone and I聮m still Toby."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! That would be so awkward! Look聴Besides, we work in different departments. He聮s on the sixth floor y聮know? So he calls me Toby once in a while. What聮s the big deal? It could be worse, it聮s not like he聮s calling me Muriel. (Chandler suddenly freezes into place.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Shh! It is a family name!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Bob."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If I see him, I聮ll ask."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We聮re on a semi-first name basis."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bob? Ooh, working here with us? Everyday? Yeah, I don聮t know if he has what it takes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But this is eleven. It聮s almost twice as hard up here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think it聮s best sir."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what you should do, just toss 聭em in the shedder and claim you never got 聭em."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure, what聮s up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Bobby."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhh yeah. Yeah, it聮s (Points down the hall) right, right down there. (When he has Bob looking down the hall, he turns around and knocks his nameplate off of his door.) Right there, yeah. Can I ask you why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay Bob listen uhh, I聮m the reason you didn聮t get the job up here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bob!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well that puts me in a difficult position."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Bob. Bob! Bob!!! (He turns around) What the hell are you doing?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re an actor!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How is that me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "When have I ever done that?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! I don聮t have the worst costume anymore!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! Hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey聮s gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you聮d come by as a slutty nurse."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮d think that would embarrass me, but you see I聮m maxed out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) Marry her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Howdy doody."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh relax man, relax. You聮re looking a little flushed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What question?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There聮s no question."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) You picked Ross?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I cannot believe you didn聮t pick me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh really?! You think you聮re stronger? Why don聮t you prove it? (He pushes Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona catches him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) You聮re going down."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That means nothing to me. (To Ross) Come on!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And dignity."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nope! I can do this all day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "God, I聮m exhausted."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No way! If anything you聮ve gotta let me win! My wife thinks I聮m a wimp!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re Spudnik."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine. (He lets Ross win.) Oh no!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen, I聮ve got a secret for ya. I let him win."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I let him win聴Ross!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Would you tell her I let you win please?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am strong! I聮ll show you! (He sits down at the table.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh what聮s the matter? Are you scared?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. 1聟2聟3聴Go! (Once again he聮s at a stalemate, but this time he聮s in pain.) (Pause) I聮m gonna kill myself!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know uh, I didn聮t actually do this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, it wasn聮t you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I got a maid. Yay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh honey, I know you don聮t like to relinquish control"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, she聮s really nice. Okay? And she mentioned that she adored the way that you arranged the sponges."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, I distinctly remember 聭cause I thought it was a joke. Now just give her a chance, okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s the matter?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See? I told you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pause) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She must聮ve been planning this for years!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, isn聮t it possible that the company that sold the jeans made more than just the one pair?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, shouldn聮t we go give her the benefit of the doubt before we go聟snooping around her crotch?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How come?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "To see her pants?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you sure? Did you see the stain?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "God! She is not stealing from us! Okay, will you let this go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh dear God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And yet you don聮t recognize that you聮re crazy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here聮s another plan聟No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I fear a jury will see it the same way!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You see that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right. Yes. Okay. I get your point. But if it聮s not your bra will you just let the woman clean the apartment?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You need new clothes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m leaning. This is where I lean."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Brenda a bee!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! It聮s flown into your blouse and you聮d better undo your buttons lest it sting you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I totally understand. (They both laugh.) Can I just see your bra?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Her what?!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You had a bachelorette party?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I thought we weren聮t gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! Y聮know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You went home with the waitress."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t believe you didn聮t tell me! You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "My God! You must be good in bed!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She聮s okay with Rachel and the baby?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you聮re going down the same path, but you聮re really going down different ones."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey! That聮s crazy! I don聮t want you to get me a stripper"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I appreciate it, but uh, it聮s a little creepy. Y聮know? I聮m not a bachelor anymore."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right fine! But I聮m only doing this for you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And Joey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. I can聮t believe tomorrow聮s the big day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re right, this is more fun."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi. (Joey blows on a noisemaker.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, yeah right over there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was weird."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So she聮s a"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t believe there is a naked hooker in there!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Could be. I mean technically she did strip, we just, we just missed it. (Walks towards the bedroom.) Ma聮am, are you also a stripper?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That is funny, maybe for my birthday she聮ll murder someone."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh actually, I聮d rather you聟Yeah, go ahead. We聮re gonna have to burn that room down anyway."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why would she do that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is the worst bachelor party ever!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Joey) In a minute? What聮s gonna happen in a minute?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why me?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Which is why you should do it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You do it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right Rock, Paper, Scissors who has to tell the whore to leave! (Joey smirks.) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t think we聮ve actually done this before!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well we聟we still hang out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well y聮know, things are different. I聮m聟I聮m married now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I miss that too. I tell you what; from now on we聮ll make time to hang out with each other."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Her ass print is still on your grandmother聮s quilt, do you really want to talk about smoking?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica! Wait!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(puts on his crown) Carry on."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Could you not narrate?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I have no idea."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! I聮m just pretending to watch the game so I don聮t have to help out with stuff."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nope! Every once and a while I just scream stuff at the TV."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! Anderson just scored again! (To Phoebe) There聮s no Anderson."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh hey. I聮d shake your hand but uh; I聮m really into the game. Plus, I think it聮d be better for my ego if we didn聮t stand right next to each other."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m watching the game, but I聮m not deaf!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Phoebe) Y聮know, it聮s been a while since we聮ve screamed something. Maybe we should."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh come on!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good game!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Solid effort. Solid effort."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(simultaneously) Detroit."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did she look 16?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, she probably wasn聮t familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "New haircut? (Monica nods 聭No.聮) Necklace? (No) Dress? (No) Boots? (Monica nods 聭Yes.聮) Boots!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m gonna miss being able to afford food."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She had a point. (Shows her the receipt.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah well, too bad we聮re gonna have to return them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I have you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey-hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to pay for them. (Goes and gets some coffee at the counter.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(returning to his seat) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(spinning around looking for him) I don聮t think you did a very thorough job!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(opening the door) What聮s wrong?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh don聮t forget, my office holiday party is tonight. (They go into the apartment.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now sweetie, I know you don聮t like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots. See? Every cloud has a聟supple leather lining."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you think I work at some kind of boot pricing company?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You said that you paid all that money because those boots go with skirts, dresses, and pants!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know, that party wasn聮t bad."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t see any uh, cabs. Maybe we should just walk?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What honey, it聮s like fifteen blocks to the subway. Let聮s go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s going on?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So I was right. This is what it feels like to be right. (Pause) It聮s oddly unsettling."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hop on."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, I know you聮re in pain right now, but I聮m a little turned on."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, ten blocks down. Five to go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh I聮m sorry! Do you need a break?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can see it from right here. It聮ll cost you one husband."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pause) I don聮t have your boots."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, why don聮t you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, are you seriously ever gonna wear the boots again?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what? You can say goodbye to the tan ones."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Moves closer to the window.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, you remember my boss Doug right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn聮t know you and Carol were getting divorced, I聮m sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture doesn聮t it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh uh, as it turns out, we can聮t do it. Monica has to work."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh uh well tomorrow聮s no good for her either."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s the semi-finals聟of her聟botchy ball tournament."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well now-now you聮re just talking crazy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because uh... we-we... we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what would really help me through this tough time is choking something. Can I choke ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no, Monica would freak. (Doug looks at him.) But to hell with that bitch."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh that聮s all right sir, and that聮s just one girl."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi honey I聮m home."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It was awful. To get out of going to dinner with Doug I told him that you and I split up. So then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars, and then when I wouldn聮t give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what the worse part was? I got to see what my life would be like without you. It was like It聮s a Wonderful Life with lap dances. Please promise that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh, I don聮t know if we聮re there yet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my goodness! Where did you hide it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I kinda like it here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well what did it do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A vending machine?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who cares? It聮s a stupid game."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t suck. It聮s sucks. You suck."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why do you want to play this game so bad?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You are not going to believe what I did today!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-huh, and I got all the top ten scores, I erased Phoebe off the board! High five! (Holds up his hand to give Monica a high five, only he can聮t straighten his fingers.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I聮ve been playing it for like eight hours, it聮ll loosen up. Come on, check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, they聮re dirty words."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because it聮s awesome."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well y聮know, they only give you three letters, so after A-S-S it is a bit of a challenge."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It is when you put it together with that one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on, he won聮t even know what they mean."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Have you talked to him lately?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-no-no, if you unplug it, I聮ll have nothing to show for my day! It would be like I was at work. (She unplugs it.) No! (And plugs it back in.) Hey look at that! Look at that, it聮s still there! This thing must have some kind of primitive ROM (Read Only Memory, it聮s a memory chip.) Chip in it or something!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "With the claw?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I did. (Looks at his still deformed hand) But it came at a price."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh come on, by age seven kids have already seen orgies. (They both look at him.) Was it just me?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "One more score to go! You can do it! (Touches her shoulder.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right! Go left! Go left! Go right!! Go right!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you, are you high?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? I don聮t like baths."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, it聮s not the bath I enjoy, it聮s the wet, naked lady."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own filth."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, it聮s 2:00 on a Wednesday and I聮m watching Road Rules, how stressed do you think I am?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! Uh, yeah! Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God, what聮s up?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no, no you don聮t, just come back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "In London?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes. When Monica and I were in London, we were both in London."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If that.Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross sits down.]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sex on the balcony?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What is it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, I don聮t like baths! Could you draw me a picture of us having sex on the balcony?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, this does butch it up a bit."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(thinking) All right, this isn聮t so bad. I like the flower smell! Which is okay, because I聮ve got my boat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m going to need a bigger boat.Scene: The Doctor聮s Office, the doctor is writing something as Rachel is on the table, and Ross is standing.]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m in the bathroom, can you come in here? I think there聮s something wrong."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m in the bathtub."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong! The water聮s tepid. The salt didn聮t dissolve and is now聟 lodged places. And the scents I used don聮t compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile聴Oh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! Sure, sure. So, what was going on with you today? Oh-oh-oh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I had the exact same conversation."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, let聮s break this down. What exactly did he say to you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-huh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He didn聮t say anything about that to me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He was asking all these questions about you, me, and London. And, of course the glue that holds this all together, the rules."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But what did he mean by rules?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because he was looking at her differently."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "My God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t say anything."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m not going to let you say anything."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, God! (Monica runs out to Phoebe, who is in the kitchen)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do I smell essential oils?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (As soon as Monica leaves the room, Chandler takes off his jacket and runs to the bathroom. Monica enters the bathroom to find Chandler in the bathtub.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "L-leaving my troubles behind?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, it聮s so hard to care when you聮re this relaxed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(upset) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) You told her?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sarcastically) Because it聮s a relaxing and enjoyable time!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You like Rachel?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll聟I聮ll get you later!Scene: Joey and Rachel聮s, Joey is sitting at the counter eating Cocoa Puffs.]"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. And what you聮re doing feels so good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮re not?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, sweet Lord. New realms of pleasure!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Pheebs, what聮s up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning聟Don聮t let Phoebe in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, Phoebe I thought I聮d聴(Off Phoebe聮s look)聴Yeah, what the hell. (Exits with Phoebe.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey babe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who says you can聮t get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How about to the street say from the balcony?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. How about in that cabinet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How about the closet by the bathroom? (The secret green door by the bathroom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.) It聮s locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh y聮know, I聮ve been living here a while and I聮ve never seen what聮s inside that closet. What is, what is in there?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don聮t try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(walking casually away) Love you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said, \"If it helps!\" (Goes to the bedroom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I wasn聮t trying to open your closet! I wasn聮t trying to open your closet! I swear! (Running into the kitchen and sees its Joey.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica has a secret closet and she won聮t let me see what聮s in it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I can聮t see?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And here we go"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There has got to be a way!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. (Checks his hair.) Oh no wait, I聮m not an nine-year-old girl."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe Monica has a bobby pin."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, how聮s the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s a good idea."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (They switch places and Chandler gets out a credit card.) So uh, Ross is kinda bummed huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it聮s not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? Y聮know? You聮re doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby. (He loses his card behind the door.) Richard? If-if you聮re in there, could you pass me my credit card?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not to shabby, I got this all off myself聟using my wife聮s tools. (He takes the door off the frame and we finally get to see what聮s behind the green door! It is stacked, floor to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughs) You聮re messy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I married Fred Sanford!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, honey you聮re not sick! Look, I don聮t love you because you聮re organized, I love you in spite of that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we share the closet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So Rachel聮s all moved out huh? How are you taking it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Happy Valentine聮s!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(picking up a video from the table) 聭Candy and Cookie聮. 聭Candy and Cookie?聮 Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some \"porn\") (A woman on TV breaths hard)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I love you, St. Valentine. (The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandler聮s eyes get huge!)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Woah, woah, that聮s not pretty!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote control, frantically.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am trying!Scene: Joey聮s. Joey is playing fetch with the dog."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pointing at the video) Why did you get me this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s yelling聟bleeding聟dilating. Oh, the dilating"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I thought聟maybe聟you got me porn for Valentine聮s Day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I聮m not really in a sexy mood right now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How long it took to go back in the water?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t know. You didn聮t see it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like he聮s going to throw up!)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See, honey, there聮s聴(puts his hand on her leg)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "90 seconds."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, it haunts me? Up 聭til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Now all we聮ve got to do is get rid of this chair. (Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they can聮t do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I know!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Poor Ross. (Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the action in Ross聮 apartment)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don聮t watch it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, let聮s just say it聮s ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why have I seen this thing three times?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait, you guys, look!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, the baby聮s out! Look, look!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And look how happy the mom is now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! (Puts his hand on her belly.) She聮s growing inside you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! (Pulls his hand away.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think that聮s the youngest girl ever to reject me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. I mean I believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each other and I believe in falling in love, but soul mates, I don聮t think they exist."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on, don聮t be crazy. (To Rachel) You don聮t think there聮s someone out there better suited for Monica than me, do ya? (Rachel looks at him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Luckily, the guy she settled for can聮t hear what you聮re talking about."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You believe that this guy is destined for someone else and you聮re still gonna date him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(mouths to Phoebe) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What聮s wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? (Everyone stares at him.) On a barbecue chicken pizza? (Still there聮s staring.) No?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you doing?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I believe in tall, handsome strangers who hit on my wife!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Cheese you say? That聮s some pretty smelly work, huh Don?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Cheese, it聮s smelly. You must smell a lot of the time too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is it made of cheese?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(disgusted) Oh come on! (To Phoebe) Are you listening to this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What do we do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure, why don聮t you set it up. I聮ll just be over here, browsing through the personals."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, fine. Fine. Not perfect!! But good enough."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m sorry, did you say cheese?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe thinks you and Don are soul mates, and I don聮t believe in that kind of stuff. But then you two totally get along. So look, I won聮t stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No. But I聮m sure (mimics Don) 聭tomatoes聮 does."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you聟you don聮t want to live with Don in a cheese house?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I love you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y聮know what? I am going to take you out to dinner tonight. I found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalepino poppers . (Monica doesn聮t look impressed.) No? Really? They taste so good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t see him. (To Monica) Do you see him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?! No! No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(incredulous) I don聮t know what that聮s like?! Up until I was 25 I thought the only response to, \"I love you,\" was, \"Oh crap!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(interrupting him) We didn聮t play it!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn聮t know you read tea leaves."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What does yours say Pheebs?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I聮m sure you get another one at Ann Taylor聮s."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe, did you see that?! He totally checked you out! He is so cute! (Looking at his tea.) Mine has a picture of The Village People, what does that mean?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know it聮s tough now, but things will get better."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Some cheese?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let聮s just say if I can聮t find the right CD case I just put it in the nearest one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "In the James Taylor case."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, I聮m gonna save you some time, 200 CDs, not one of them in the right case."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, if we聮re gonna do that we should come up with some kind of order. Y聮know alphabetically or by genre?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They were just giving those away at the store (off Monica聮s look) in exchange for money."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God, honey we are so meant to be together. We both have copies of the Annie soundtrack."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What problem did you tell him you had?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(singing) The sun聮ll come out聟tomorrow! Bet聟your bottom dollar that tomorrow聟 (The girls start laughing, and in a deep voice) 聟there聮ll be sun."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You can always sell your baby."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, Ralph Lauren is really going out of there way to show they聮re not in the baby buying business."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh I聮m sorry, you聮re kicking me out of my own living room?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll be in there. (Goes into the bedroom.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers? (Sits up) Who said that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And you wonder why Ross is their favorite?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s a dog."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s your parents聮 anniversary and you聮re going to talk about their dead pet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt, (Pause) and I think my testacles may be in here too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ha!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t think the flash went off."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you doin聮?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ya know if you want to, I can just hold them down and you could (Punches the air)."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If only there was something in your head to control the things you say. (Joey nods his agreement.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, we聮re just four people with neck problems. You talk like this. (Out of the sides of their mouths.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And a bagel with only"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mento?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It hurts me. It physically hurts me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God, introduce us!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Joe! You wanna shoot some hoops?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You聮ll be perfect for this! That聮s already your name!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bamboozled?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(simultaneously with Ross) No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well Joey, I聮m a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin! (Waves.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bogota."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What does a Wicked Wango card do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Higher or lower than what?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Ross) Can you believe how lame this is?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is ridiculous, he聮s not gonna hold his breath聟 (Ross cuts him off by taking a deep breath and holding it.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let me see that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Triscadecaphobia."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fear of Triscuts?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This game makes no sense!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh come on Ross, I think we聮re all losers here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let me think. Let me think聴Oh! I don聮t care."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Either, it makes no difference."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll take a card."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This game is kinda fun."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Treasure of the Sierra Madre!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Madre Sierra the of Treasure!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮d like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut please."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Six!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(disappointed and simultaneously as Ross) Hungry monkey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tell it to the Time Turtle!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(annoyed) Oh come on!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮d like a Google Card."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! (Pause) No! (Pause) Google!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nooo!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is the best game ever!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m so sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I have a job interview I have to get ready for."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And people say you don聮t pay attention. No, this is a much better job. It聮s vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s what I do now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The front page? You really do live in your own little world, don聮t ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey Phoebe! (To Rachel) Fatty!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I got a job interview. It聮s kinda a big deal too. Its a lot more money and I聮d be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me! I do that. So聟 Seriously, do I look okay? I聮m little nervous."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What about it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shocked) What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you serious?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What is it that I do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Rachel) Did you like me when we first met?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can聮t even believe this! I really come off that badly?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh good. Good, because I聮m sure this interview is gonna last a couple of weeks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "An hour."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler Bing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. (Pause) I聮ll let myself out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think you聮ll find if I come to work here, I don聮t micro-manage. I don聮t shy away from delegating."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(suppressing a smile) What I do do聟is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hardest thing I聮ve ever done in my life."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! (Stands up.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "also I was the point person on my company聮s transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 system."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That I did. That I did."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(nervous) My duties? (Trying not to crack a joke) All right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(trying not to laugh) I see."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(really try not to laugh) Good to know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No don聮t I beg of you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(relieved) Really?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Y聮know I聮ve been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesn聮t understand) Duties. (Still doesn聮t.) Duties! (Still doesn聮t.) Poo. (Still doesn聮t.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God this doesn聮t count! Okay? The interview was over, that was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call security! There聮s a crazy guy out in the hall!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮ll look forward to your call. (Walks away.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let聮s. (Everyone gets up and leaves Rachel.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Did you have the baby yet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He聮s not snoozing, he聮s teaching a class."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I haven聮t seen this dress."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You really want to take me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you聮re never actually going to pay me back?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I always knew you were gonna make it. I聮m so proud of you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(in a manly voice) Yeah well, I聮m gonna go spit. (He goes into the bedroom. On his way out, Joey gives Rachel a wide berth.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is so exciting! It聮s so glamorous! People taking our picture. How do I look?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s just so glamorous."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good job Joe! Well done! Top notch!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh-ho-ho, yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The whole thing! Can we go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I love the specifics, the specifics were the best part!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don聮t go! I聮m sorry. I聮m so sorry! (Sees another guy who is still asleep.) Look! This guy fell asleep! He fell asleep too! Be mad at him! (Looks at him more closely.) Or, call an ambulance."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where have you been?! I tried to call you! I want to talk to you! I still feel so bad!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m so sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don聮t owe me anything, I don聮t want you money"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don聮t know, five hundred dollars?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well then there was the second set, the infamous booger head shots."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you want a calculator?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here! (Hands him one. Joey adds it up and discovers that he was right.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well uh, there was acting classes, stage combat classes, tap classes"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh then there was that dialect coach who helped you with that play where you needed a southern accent. Which after twenty hours of lessons still came out Jamaican."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, money well spent!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, two, three years of rent, utilities, food"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Man, if only you聮d gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. I聮ve been thinking about it too, and I, I think we聮re ready."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But you said you were ready too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but haven聮t you wanted a kid like forever?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m not crazy about babies. I聮m crazy about us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, we聮ve always talked about having babies someday. I聮m not saying it has to be right now, but I聮m starting to think that we can handle it. We聮re good. We聮re really good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But nothing has to happen until your ready."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?! It聮s not right! We聮re not ready to have a kid now!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m kidding. This is going to be fun."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We聮re trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler stops it.) Y聮know I聮m not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Period math?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait a minute, it聮s perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and we聮re in a building that聮s full of beds!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (They start kissing.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Uh, we聮ll dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds it聮s not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, 98.6. You聮re gonna be fine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Should we tell Rachel there聮s an empty private room right next door to hers?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If it聮s not, then there聮s two of them. And that would mean it聮s the end of the world!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Weirdest thing. Did I hear聴(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)聴Mother of God it聮s true!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Jan-Janice!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Janice I didn聮t even know you were pregnant! Who聮s the unwitting human who聮s essence you聮ve stolen?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s incredible, I mean one minute she聮s inside you and then 47 hours later here she is."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, do you know what you聮re gonna call her yet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So then I guess Ferdinad is out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no, it聮s gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn聮t it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was amazing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And if not, we got to do it on a bucket."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He pulled a quarter out of my ear!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Wow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was you?! I thought it was Jack!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?! Why does she think that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Again, what?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "As we all are at some point during the day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross had a ring?! And he was gonna propose?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And you did it first?! This is gonna kill him! You know how much he loves to propose!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, what did she say?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Does Ross know?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well maybe you don聮t have to tell him anything."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If you clear things up with Rachel then Ross never needs to find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your ass!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, we聮ve been over this. I need to be facing the other way."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I聮m so tired. (She starts kissing him.) Yeah okay, but no foreplay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello sir, you know Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, we can聮t stay in here forever."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is okay. We聮re all adults here; there聮s nothing to be ashamed of. Now, let聮s put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door. (They do so and find Mr. Geller leaning against a wall stunned.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn聮t for fun."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Why? Why-why-would you聴Wh-why聟 (To Mr. Geller) Look, I just don聮t want you to think that we聮re animals who do it whenever we want."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That聮s funny, this conversation聮s how I got the bullet hole in my head."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Seriously sir, my brains? All over the wall."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You still haven聮t told Rachel you weren聮t really proposing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, you have to tell her what聮s going on! And what did it look like?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Go and tell Rachel right now before Ross finds out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, look, just do it gently."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yea yea. (Pulls the balloon out of his mouth)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office (Pulls another balloon out of his mouth) Am I producing them?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Couldn聮t sleep last night you know, then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting that I have later today, the more I worried about it the more I couldn聮t sleep. Y聮know? I was like, if I fall asleep now I聮ll get six hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now I聮ll get five hours sleep. Not matter what I did I couldn聮t fall asleep."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, what do I know? I wanted to get a bigger gorilla."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Walter (nods)."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yep."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(not knowing what he聮s saying yes to) Yes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(enters) Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica can I talk to you outside for a minute?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually Pheebs its more of a husband and wife kinda thing"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Umm, you know how we always said that it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking and I could write and we could take a picnic along the Seine and go wine tasting in Bordeaux?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, you know how that people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "People who聮ve never ever been to Paris."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We聮re moving to Tulsa! (Makes a excited expression on his face)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss, she asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there, and I was sleeping and apparently, said yes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The Sooner State, whatever that is."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? Oh What A Beautiful Morning! Surrey With A Fringe On Top."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. (Monica聮s not impressed.) I聮ll get out of it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(hears Emma crying) What is wrong with Emma?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Umm ma聮am, do you have a minute? (She points for him to come in) I kind of have some bad news. I don聮t think I can move to Tulsa."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It聮s a funny story, actually. (coughs) I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when I said I聮d move to Tulsa, I didn聮t really know what I was saying."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, ain聮t that funny? Irony? Not a fan, alright (he sits down). See, here聮s the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she won聮t go. See, me, I love Tulsa! Tulsa is heaven! Tulsa is Italy聴Please don聮t make me go there!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? (Pause) Wh-why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great picture of your son, strapping! (She glares at him.) That聮s a picture of your daughter, isn聮t it, well she聮s lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. I聮ll call you from Tulsa. (Exits.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, loudly) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh so there can聮t be any yelling."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We聮re moving to Tulsa"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Shhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! (Walks backwards towards the door) I can聮t, I can聮t hear you. (He runs out)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(enters) Hey, what you guys talking about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, our news. My company has asked me to head up our office in Tulsa , so as of Monday I'm being officially relocated."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They said it could be up to a year."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There is nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry buddy, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Enters) Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I've got good news!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I have news. You don't have to move to Tulsa. You can stay here and keep your job."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler. Well my boss and I worked out a deal where I only have to be in Tulsa four days a week, so the other three I can be here with you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry, are you just used to saying that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's fast math! We could use you in Tulsa."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you said that without gagging!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know what she's talking about."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He saw a therapist?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Looking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Slim Pickings."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, 'Slim Pickings', it's a barbecue restaurant. They're looking for a cook. Actually 'cook' may be a bit of a stretch. They're looking for someone to shovel mesquite."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "'So Cheesy' also has an opening."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can I just say how much I appreciate you coming with me. When we get to Tulsa I'm taking you for a great dinner at 'Slim Pickings'. 'So Cheesy'? 'Whole Hog'? It's going to be tough to keep Kosher in Tulsa."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, we're leaving tomorrow you've still got a lot of packing to do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How far outside?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And you're thinking of taking it? (Pause) So before you said being me with me was more important than any job, but I guess now it's old job, (Raises his hand) me, (Raises his hand) new job."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What happened to 'you can't live without me four days a week'?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think you should take the job."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Diagnostician or boo-boo fixer?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Does he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your touchy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was not a security blanket! That was a wall-hanging!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you got here just in time. I really have to go buddy. (They hug)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Of course I will call you. I love you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Awww. (They hug) Bye!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Tries to hug Joey but J. moves away) What's the matter Joe?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Any chance you are trying to pick a fight to make all this easier?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, bye Mon, bye Ross, Rachel, bye Emma!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know that too. (They kiss)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(On cell phone) Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it. Yes it will be the same. Because I know, that's how. I promise."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(enters singing) Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plane, STOP IT! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas? 7 o clock maybe I'll hit the gym (sits down) who am I kidding pay-per-view porn."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "DO NOT DISTURB DO NOT DISTURB! Monica: (smiles)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "everything's great, just watching some regular television there, what a pleasant surprise. (She hugs him, and she knows what he was doing so she looks at the TV and sees sharks swimming around thinking Chandler was giving himself a treat to sharks.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok honey. that was close."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi honey I'm home!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "oh it was great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock IN NY.C!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Chandler looking confused) Honey why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "no I'm not quite sure you got the right movie that's all."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "does what always have to be sharks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's going on?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "let ME be a part of this!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "no they don't"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OH MY GOD! When you came in I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "yeah just some good old fashion girl on girl American action."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You are an amazing wife. (Monica shrugs) No really you're amazing you were actually gonna do this for me, I mean where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good morning everyone, its nice to see our team together for the first time. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? (colleague raises hand) Yes, Ken is it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughs) Well, dont believe everything you hear, Ken. (both turning away to files) But yeah, thats true. Alright, lets get started, by take a look at last quarters figures. (The female next to Chandler starts smoking, towards her:) Ah, Claudia, arent you supposed to blow smoke up the bosses ass?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no-no-no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Right now, I cant remember why. (to everyone:) Youre not allowed to smoke in this office. Not right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright, lolook. I dont smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, its fine. (everyone lights up) So you all smoke then? Thats almost rude, that Im not."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(loud) Ken, please! No, I cant, I cant smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I always liked you, Ken. (takes a cigarette)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! I just happened tdo a lot trivias about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called Leyhallalookoos."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uch, do you think, Monica is gonna be able smell it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pheebs?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(getting in) Okay, something to cover the smell  Oven cleaner! (sprays himself, reads label) Unscented!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No thanks, Im good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shrinks back) Right. You know what? Actually I just get off the plane, so Im feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(still backs away) Alright, the truth is, I soiled myself during some turbulences."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two packaa carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. (How many cigarettes are there in one pack and how many packs in one carton in the US?) But its over, I made a decision, Im not gonna smoke anymore."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But, those are for you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Will power? Ive watch home movies of you eating ding-dongs (?) without taking the tin foil off."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "kay, look: Can we just drop this? Im not gonna smoke again."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You forbid me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I flew a long way t see my loving wife? Is she here by the way?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then, I might as well  (grabs the cigarettes) do this (lights one, exhales). Not really sure what to do now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine. What!?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You serious? (follows)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right, fine, Ill do it, but no talking."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And no kissing your neck."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And lots of kissing your neck."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I cant do this. I cant make luv to you while were fighting this way."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was a celebration of life. Alright, look, Im not gonna do this. Alright, is this really the way you want a baby to be conceived?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mean it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You are incredible. Unless, IIm not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you. (they kiss)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, lets celebrate life!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhh. You are welcome."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But you said you forgave me. It was just a couple of cigarettesno big deal."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Leave it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You tricked me to get me into bed?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I feel so used."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I would never lie to get someone into bed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I suppose that Monica will have the  manipulative shrew."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean the lully story?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, thats what she says. But maybe youre not ovulating at all, maybe its just a clever ruse to get me into bed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) You not gonna believe this: She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whats the matter with me? Why Im such a girl?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you never had sex with a Kennedy, have you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(picking up the telephone, answering it with a frog in his throat) Hello? (he clears his throat, but he still has the same frog in his throat when he speaks again) Hello?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, you're screaming."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(yawning) Oh, that's great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(clearly not so interested) Awesome."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(angry) Funniest guy she's ever met! (to the door) I'm funny, right...? What do you know, you're a door... You just like knock-knock jokes... (laughs about himself, but then gets determined again) Save it for inside! (he enters)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state. (Monica looks at Phoebe, who also doesn't know what to say.) And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle? Can all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming. But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just... pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? (Monica laughs) See, that's... that's funny with the fricken, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, he came up..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Phoebe) Were you there?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! (Joey doesn't look up, but gestures 'wait a minute' with his finger while he finishes reading the article. Chandler waits for Joey to finish.) I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica is around, I need you to ask me about fire trucks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Can't believe what he hears) Well, thank God your livelihood doesn't depend on it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever met."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! Am I crazy to be this upset?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ye.... (stops because he realises what Joey just said, and stares at him. At this moment Monica enters)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you guys talking about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You got a man who's a nanny...? You got a manny...? (Monica starts laughing, but very exaggerated. Joey realises they also should laugh and punches Ross. Now all three of them laugh, but very fake. Chandler seems happy again.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I don't mind a... male nanny, but I do draw the line at a male wetnurse. (again they laugh, even more fake than before)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would have brought more pizza. (they all burst out in a thundering laugh)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What is so funny about that? (they realise it wasn't a joke)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did you tell her what we talked about? (Joey starts laughing hysterically, but then gets serious again...)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS? (Joey and Ross walk away from the kitchen)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah? Is he funnier than me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I do limericks... uhm... There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your Maitre D. friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes, tell him to e-mail me at www.hahanotsomuch.com."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really...? See... that's the thing: you gotta keep it smart, people!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I love you too. (Monica and Chandler kiss. He turns to Joey.) And... I like you as a friend. (They hug and pat each other on the back.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See ya! (he leaves the apartment)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How come?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Do you have any ideas?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(imitating Monica) Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, well... Maybe I'll join them some time. I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand and beat the moustache off his face."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own moustache?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "mmm That's enough about you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no... we're not together. We're not a couple. We're definately not a couple."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We're not gonna have this conversation again... Look at this place. Why am I so intimidated by this guy? Pretentious art, this huge macho couch. When we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing Monica to a real man! (laughs) You don't think he's here, do you? (Joey looks around)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Chandler looks around the place and his eye gets caught by Richard's video collection) Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There's a tape here with Monica's name on it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Get there faster! (Joey gasps and finally understands...)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not gonna watch it... I don't NEED to watch it... I mean, what good could possibly come from watching? (sighs) Well, we know I'm gonna watch it. (Chandler moves to put the tape in the VCR and Joey enters the apartment)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don't judge me, I'm only human!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I had to! Okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape of your wife in another guys' apartment... Wouldn't you need to know what was on it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Some girl...!?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah...!?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Allright, I'm gonna watch it... I mean look, it's probably not even what I think it is... And even if it is... It can't possibly be as bad as what I'm picturing in my head... (laughs nervously) Can it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then you're gonna have to watch it for me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Just for a few seconds, so I can know what it is... Please?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why am I hearing cheering?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Football? Just football?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a beer... (Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to the TV and a moaning sound replaces the cheering of the crowd... Joey's eyes double in size...) What the... (Chandler turns around, but Joey already took a sprint for Chandler, jumps, and floors Chandler in the open space in front of the apartment door...) What are you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoho ho... Listen to the judgement from the porn star!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because that's who I am, okay? I'm sure a mature man like Richard could see a tape like that and it wouldn't bother him. Just'd be another saucy anecdote for him to share at his men's club over brandy and moustaches."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is about you and Richard. He's clearly not over you. He keeps a tape so he can... look at it whenever he wants."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard. Y'... I can grow a moustache!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, oh, but I just keep picturing you rolling around with him with your cowboy boots in the air..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, good, good. Play more, 'cause I wanna see how it ends."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What...? That's not you! Life is good again! Ride 'em cowgirl!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is that a problem?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Hey, here's an idea, why don't we use our wedding china today?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, she keeps canceling on us, take the hint."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What is the point of having them if we never use them?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I will explain it to her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Muskogee! That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo hoo! TV announcer: And heres the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives ."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you going to do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well you proved them wrong."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll tell you what, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise. <looks at china> hey wait a minute this isn't the china we picked out.."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh suddenly, flowers are feminine? < Phoebe comes in>"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe you'd want us to raise Emma."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, guys I got to say. This means so much to me. That you would trust me with your child. I mean, we all know that Monica and I have been trying to have a baby of our own. You know I've had my doubts about my skills as a father, but that you two.. that you two.... <starts to cry>"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, if crazy plate lad.. <sees Monica frustrated at this comment> If Monica dies then I would get Emma, Right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually what?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So if Monica's not around, then I'm not good enough to raise Emma?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well what is wrong with me? Am I .. am I incomptent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I may not know a lot about babies, but do you really think I'm not capable?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok. So if we both had Emma and I die <knocks on table> she'd have to give her up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So.. let me get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies, then Emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh? Did somebody miss me? Is there a child to raise poorly?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah but they're right. I mean, I'm not a strong father figure and I never will be."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, but its not who I am. Everything they said was exaclty why I was worried about having a kid. And its true. And look everybody knows it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, well can you picture me saying \"Go to your room! You're grounded\"?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You said that to me last week."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no thats okay, you're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings and I want you to know that when I die, you don't get Joey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright! That is it. This is our apartment and you can not behave this way. Now if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be here at all. Now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones I picked out, but they're very important to Monica. I want you to apologize to her right now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. Thats better. Now I want you to both apologize to each other and mean it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "By the way, that fight was totally arousing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah? Well thanks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no no no.. I'll get her. I'm super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. <knocks over the box of china> Well.. what do you know? I guess, I'll be the one who dies first."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nope..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yep..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nope... (Monica walks in) Hey... so I'm gonna... put the plates back. You know, I think you were right, I don't think we should use these plates again for a looong time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe not even then. (Joey walks in)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yep. That's a lot of cats Jo Lynn. Single are ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler Bing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's up Joe?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Braid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Courtside? Oh my God."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's so cool. I'll let Monica know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey just called. He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But hey, it's courtside. The cheerleaders are going to be right in fr... (Pause) That's not the way to convince you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know. You're right. I want to see you too. I've just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know? He's really looking forward to this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, ah, ah ... I'll think of something."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Hangs his jacket over the suitcase, locks the door, then turns to Monica.) Oh well, look at you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it looks great. It's just that ... well, I'm wearing the same thing underneath. So ..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See what I mean ... (They kiss.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(hushed) No, no, no, no, no. Joey can't know that I'm here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because I didn't know how to tell him that I couldn't go to the Knicks game. So, I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Achhh. It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion. (pause) Except with you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, it's funny. I've been, ah, practicing the art of seduction myself. (He raises his hands in front of himself, sticks out his behind, and wiggles it.) Hi ya."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's Joey. (He answers it, holding it out so that Monica can hear too.) Hey Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look I, I can't. What's going on?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "NO!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(softly) Can you ... hear him ... now?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! Wait!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(writhes as if in agony) All right, look. Just stay there. I'm coming home."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is that really necessary?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me, than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? (Monica tips her head slightly as if asking \"Did you hear yourself?\") I heard it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right. I've got a plan. I'll go down the fire escape."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hear me out woman. I'll go down the fire escape. Then, I'll wait for a while. Then, when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just got back from Tulsa. Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm just going to wait for a little while."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's huge."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pause) Well, you're forgetting about the time difference."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's right. You're husband's home. So, now the sex can stop."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey said that you're in here with another man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) What is he doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right. Well, I'll check the guest room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There's nobody here Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(thinks, then turns to Monica) I climb down the fire escape and you can't put that in the closet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry. I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didn't know ... I didn't think you'd understand."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. I feel so bad. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry. That's the one thing I can't do. I promised I'd be with Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? You're gonna be okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're gonna put on sweats and clean, aren't you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, bye."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, listen. I'm never going to lie to you again, okay? And I want you to know that nobody thinks you're stupid."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Game's tomorrow night Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(coming from the bedroom) Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, who does?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry, I won't be here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks. (they kiss) I'll see you New Year's Day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did I not mention that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(thinks for a second, then waves his arms, exclaiming:) AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! (and runs out of the apartment)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your families, but there's *no* call (he takes it off) for writing \"Screw you, Mr. Bing!\" on the back of my chair! (he looks at it) -- By the way, you can all call me Chandler."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey. Where've you been?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to the others) You hear that? You may not be with your families, but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! (he starts spreading envelopes among them) I had a little talk with the boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that's like money in your pocket! - Alright look, you want me to say it? This sucks. Being here sucks! This work sucks!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Haha, no thanks!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Typical Christmas-y stuff, you know? Our holidays are pretty traditional..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can save you time ladies, I'm right here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? That's terrible!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh well, that, that makes it not terrible."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No not okay, you can't look for Monica's presents!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, you don't have to, and you can't because I, I live here too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I have a great idea for a present for her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If I help, we can find 'em faster!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "OK, Pheebs, your turn."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And, a lemon lime."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And last but not least."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-man?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine, I'll give the suit back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Santa? Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Then it's okaaay! (They kiss.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know what, everybody? Go home. You should be with your families. It's bad enough that we're working New Year's Eve."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did I not tell *anyone* about New Year's Eve? -- Alright, look, go! Go home, okay? Merry Christmas! Go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Good, God's speed, good people! (he starts to close the door, turns around and sees Wendy) You're not gonna go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah. Thanks."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah. (The phone rings; he answers it) Chandler Bing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ahh, Merry Christmas; I miss you guys!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, well no, it's just uh, me and Wendy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It is. Did I... not tell you about her?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I sent them home."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhh, uh..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't think of her that way, you know, she's a, she's a colleague."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "BE-LOW me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, she... she didn't win..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, second prettiest that year; I mean, of *all* the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, there's really nothing to worry about."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm serious!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Merry Christmas."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Merry Christmas, you guys!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(hanging up the phone) The wife says \"Hi!\"."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah well, she's got this weird idea, that, uh, y'know, just because you and I are alone, that something is gonna happen."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but... you're getting ham on my only tie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Whoa-ho, back off, Missy! (He takes a step back, but she still keeps her grip on his tie.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know; I'm not used to girls making passes at me! ... (She lets go of his tie) Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(flattered) No,... no... (realizing) NO! (He quickly gets several steps away from her.) Look, I'm, I'm married!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm *happily* married."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right. So, I'm sorry..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. She's entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money! ... You know, she's amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, ...she'd kick your ass. Look, you're a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna happen between us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But we don't do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How drunk are you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(thinks) That's the perfect amount!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It bodes well for me that speed impresses you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yep!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Count of three?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Two!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eh! (They start making out again)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am *so* bad at this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? Okay, so..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let's go! (Starts to leave.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, okay, I have condom in my wallet that I've had since I was twelve."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't think so."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looks around) Here just...take this. (Hands her the sweater.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ehh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I thought about it too, and I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then that's what we're gonna do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, stuff like where we'd live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure you do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You sure?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I love you so much."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I wanted to be with you. I missed you so much."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I never want to leave you again!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Turns out they can't fire me. Because I quit."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he *really* wants to do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(realizing) I have *not* thought this through!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, I, I should have talked to you first about it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(flattered) Ahh..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Monica) Here, pass these, will ya.. (points to the others)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I... thought it was a timely start to thinking about other people. Besides, this gift still says I love you guys."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't have a *job*!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actuary... no. Book-keeper... no. Topless dancer... (he looks down on himself, checking, then nods satisfied and marks the offer with a pen) (to Monica:) Hey, d'you know what I just realized? You are the sole wage earner. *You* are the head of the household. I don't do anything - I'm a kept man!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, she's at home, putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I tried, but apparantly singing \"I will survive\" in a helium voice - not helping."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, Bravo on the hot nanny."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me right now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now that Rachel's gone?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I wasn't staring. I was leering."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Looks like Joey is doing allright with her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Seriously dude, 3 years ago."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don't trust him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is this really your long term plan, for me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Allright, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Picturing that tree?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where you going, Joe?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh. You mind if I join you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your thoughts? Plural?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, as a matter of fact he did, so I can't let you go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great novels?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(In a helium voice, holding a balloon) I'm sorry, I got a little occupied."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(still helium voice) Right behind you, big guy! (they both head for the door)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sings in a helium voice) First I was afraid, I was petrified (very happy)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(normal voice) Hi"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, well someone left this (shows a green jacket). This is yours?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, uh, well, I haven't seem it but if I do I'll let you know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I think it's great that you're going on a date, you know? I mean, it sounds healthy. I mean, you have needs. Embrace your womanhood!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Emma? Emma? Look at me! Well, I think I'll go downstairs for a while."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's okay, it's okay. I didn't go. Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your uncle Chandler; funny is all I have!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't do that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll try to stop. Wait, did you say until the sixth?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Today is the sixth."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, it's also 2003."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's okay. Go take the test and see if we're okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tough crib."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I might have checked to see if I was ovulating a couple times."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am not working. There's not much to do around here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, good, because as of four o'clock this afternoon, I am not."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I - I don't think I can."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because of Emma."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, she's aware when we leave the room. She may notice if we start... canoodling in it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I can't say \"hump\" or \"screw\" in front of the B-A-B-Y."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Horrifying? Scarring? Something people go to jail for?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You guess I'm right? When we stayed at that bed and breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Emma was doing it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh, she's asleep, that means we can..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, I'll try. And you can't make any noise."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think we may have really done it this time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You may wanna get some more of those too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where's Emma?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don't ask me, I was in there canoodling you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (Runs out.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, all right, we were. We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your family name is Tribbiani."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you. I got a job in advertising. (Everybody cheers)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right. So, it'll be the same except聟 less sex with you. (Joey nods)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(grinning awkwardly) Humiliating and noble!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Good morning, everybody."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, no, no, I'm an intern, just like you guys聟 except for the tie, the briefcase聟 and the fact that I can rent a car."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, well, I'm kinda heading into a new career direction and, you know, you gotta start at the bottom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right. Look, I know I'm a little bit older than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob Hope (he sits down)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The comedian? USO?!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, carrying a large box) Honey, I'm old!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I am so much older than these other interns. I can't compete with them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but I don't think life experience with these. (He opens the box and takes an inline skate-like sneaker out)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They're these prototype sneakers and come up with ideas on how to sell them which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever where these."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What am I supposed to do with these?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, first of all, they're not called \"sneakers\" anymore. Apparently, they're called \"kicks\" or \"skids\" and I think I heard somebody say \"slorps\". (He takes a sneaker) And here, look: they've got these wheels to pop out from the bottom so you can roll around 'cause, apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids, roll your way to childhood obesity! (to Monica) Would you help me try to sell these?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I don't think that's the kinda thing they're looking for."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Putting on the sneakers聟 thought I'd get into a younger mindset, you know, to see if it sparked anything"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, how's this: They're so uncomfortable it's like getting kicked in the nuts for your feet!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sitting on the couch) You know what聟 these aren't half-bad! (to Rachel) You should suggest something like these to Ralph Lauren."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright (He stands wearing the sneakers on) I feel youger already!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on the floor) Yah, I think I broke my hip."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay聟 (He stands up) You start on the image of a guy putting on the shoes. He's about my age"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A-huh. So he's rolling down the street and he starts to lose control, you know聟 maybe he falls聟 maybe hurts himself. Just then, a kid comes flying by wearing the shoes. He jumps over the old guy and laughs, and the line reads: \"Not suitable for adults!\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, thank you, sir聟 or man-who's-two-years-younger-than-me (He sits down again)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(over-enthusiastic) I don't know, I don' I don' know! I was just trying to get into a young mindset, you know, and it just started to flow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The cold weather hurts my hip!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did you see our bank statement? Can this be right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not sure what they did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe I should quit and get a job that pays."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this. ok? So we pay our bills a little late this month and maybe next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refrigerator for a change. You're chef... what can you make out of backing soda and beer?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No! We're not borrowing money."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught me was... well to always knock before going into the pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's right! I do! And I'm your man. And I'm going to get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah.... she's not so cute."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes dear."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Joe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen er..I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And that would have made the official party line. (Joey nods) Monica and I are having a little financial trouble."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? What do you mean you know?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! Right."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Anyway, err... I need to borrow some money."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that! (Joey begins writing a cheque)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh ok."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Listen...this is really nice. Do you... (sees his chequebook) Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money problems?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Rach! There she is...My perfectly proportioned wife."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no..don't thank me. Thank you. You know there's not one thing I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not... two... single things."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No no! I just love the way you look, I am warm, for your form."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well yes yes... You look nice can mean that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean..I wouldn't change it. At all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I mean, You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Rach! Ah........ Perfection. (kisses monica) Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But honey you don't have to."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey I... I love your breasts the way they are!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "your ass?!?!?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They...do that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "God why why would you want to do that to yourself!?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sedated) What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well! We er..climbed up four flights of stairs, manueveored a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbul... but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aaaaand....... hernia."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye bye Mike!/Cya mike!/Bye mike!/Bye bye now!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, look on the bright side, I mean you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That was here already huh? I love you. (they hug again)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Ready to go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you doin'?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great, a faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and childless ."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The tall girl who wouldn't sleep with you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bet she'd sleep with you now..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let me see what you wrote about yourself: \"Doctor Paleontology, two kids... \" (pause) You split with Carol because you have different interests?... I think you split with Carol because you've one very similar interest!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe we finish this for him! (he sits down on the sofa and he start typing on Ross' computer) \"Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She's now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says. It's the best sex I've ever had\"... aaand SEND!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I'm so sorry!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're not gonna need my help?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh good, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth (he goes towards the counter)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I believe I read that somewhere!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I respectfully disagree."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who cares? Nobody reads those things"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't have a page."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Would you get that please? People have been calling to congratulate me all day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! (Monica hangs up) I'm so gonna get back at Ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go (starts typing something)."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, you'll see my friend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(faking sympathy) And so young."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, how you died was funny."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It kills over one americans every year."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You wanna talk about people's feelings? You should have heard how hurt professor Stern was yesterday when I told him I wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, Ross, I just wanted to apologize... (颅looks at laptop screen)..don't tell me you actually made those gay pictures of me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Huh! So that's what I would look like if I worked out... and was being serviced by a policeman. You're not actually going to send these out are ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, come on, you know that's not true."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright look, let's think about this, ok, do you really think that people are gonna stir up your family at this tragic time? That people are gonna post condolences on a website? This is not about people not caring that you're dead .This is about people not having a decent outlet for their grief."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Right, I mean, come on, I'm sure that if you had a funeral or a memorial service, tons of people would come."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross, what're you... what're you... what are you doing? (looks at laptop screen)You're having a memorial service for yourself!?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross, don't press send, don't press se... !"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There you go! Someone came!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(in a mournful voice) Please, come in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yes, yes... let me... take your coat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "At least he died doing what he loved... watching blimps (he goes in the bedroom)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Some guy, Tom Gordon."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering, very upset) Ok Tommy, that's enough mourning for you! Here we go, bye bye!! (he shoves him out the door)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok! (shuts the door behind Tom)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Please, one ridiculous problem at a time!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You gave them one day's notice, not everyone in our class checks the web site everyday and Monica... it's probably the way you stand!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that's not true. You had an impact on me, I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still best friends. Doesn't that count for something?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sure it's somebody for you. Now, go hide. (Ross hides in the bedroom again)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kori? Kori Weston?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! You look amazing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Chandler, Chandler Bing. I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don't listen to him, he's in a really bad mood! (lets her in)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn't know Ross and you were so close."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sure that would mean a lot to him. And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, because if I was at my old job we'd say 300 million? No thank you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Still on Amelia Earhart?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes but there's six of us so we'd only have to get struck by lightning 7 times."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking around at the others)I'll ask. (To Ross) Boohaki?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kinda like Joey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pie eating contest?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(hysterical)Don't touch the phone! I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it!! (picks up the phone)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(into receiver)Hello? Hey Charlie, what do you know?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(still on the phone)Damnit. Alright call me when you know more."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "One of the slots got filled."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sense the tone! No that kid Nate got it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah...I mean I want this so much! I mean, I wanna get one, I want my friend Charlie to get one...Except I don't care about Charlie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can see the headline now: \"Lottery winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm\"."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, so now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh! Calm down ..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I'm not sure a sports team is the way to go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're right, it has been you dream for over 15 seconds."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looks around) I'll take this one too (to Ross) Uh ... Mommy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello? Hello? Oh, hey Charlie. Did anybody else hear? ... What? Susan got it?? How? Oh man, I would have slept with him!! .. Alright, bye. (hangs up)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well no, Charlie's gonna get that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He's the boss's son."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What about the ones you have on the nightstand?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, there are like 20 tickets on the nightstand!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Mon) She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us ..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let me finish ... (to everyone else) however, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles, so screw you, the tickets are ours!! (takes tickets from Rachel)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can I come a little bit closer, valuable things are getting squished..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking at the answering machine) Hey, there's two messages. These could be from work!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, here we go! (he pushes the play button)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is..shhh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, is she related to Ralph Lauren?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it. (pause) But... let's go win the lottery... I mean, we still have 130 chances to win, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I got that!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ah, the \"I'm sorry I rejected you\" phone call. I'm not used to getting it from guys. (on the phone, getting up from the sofa) Hey, Steve."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh no no no no, I'd love to be somebody's assistant! Answering phones, getting coffee, I live for that stuff! And I'm not too mature... farts, boobies, butt cracks!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me, that guy who just said butt cracks?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok well, thanks, you won't regret it. I'll see you tomorrow (hangs up)."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? (pause) Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a junior copywriter."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Does that mean I get the good loving tonight?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks, man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(smiling, surprised) Oh yeah? (looks towards the kitchen, worried) Listen, don't tell Monica, she'll rip your heart right out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, you'd think we should get that over 20 years or go for the big payout."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Have I got a surprise for you? Pack your bags!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What? No, I'm taking Monica to a romantic inn in Vermont (shows them a brochure)!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, what do you say? Can you get out of work?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you really that busy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that's ok.I'll just try and reschedule. (on the phone) \"Hi, this is Chandler Bing. I made a reservation there and I need to change it (pause) Oh, what do you mean it's not refundable? Can I just come some other time? (pause) Oh, can't you make an exception?\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on the phone) \"Look, this is ridiculous! I'm not paying for that room! Ok?\" (pause) \"Oh, thank you very much!\" (hangs up) Yeah, I'm going to Vermont..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't have travel insurance."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi, Chandler Bing, I have a reservation."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "New York."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up, we had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that's impossible, can you check again, please?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let me get this straight. I called yesterday trying to cancel my reservation and I was told it was not refundable, then we drove six hours all the way up here and now you tell me that we don't have a reservation?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Just give us the cheapest room you have."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's insane!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Does that room have a closet I can lock him in? (pause) We'll take it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(aside, to Ross) What!? They are totally ripping us off!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great, at a hundred dollars an apple, we're there!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dude, you're shaking!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "USA Today"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And I also got... two more apples."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dude, none of this is cool."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think I know what you mean though...the lamp is the hotel's, but the bulbs (goes to take the bulb)...oh, you already got that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, how about this (picks up the remote control)?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but the batteries..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you, thank you very much!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh we did, and you still have all your lamps."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I didn't factor in the room tax."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, we have enough, just walk away."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There's a forest right outside."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, go quick!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I got you something from Vermont! (Sits down at the table)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(browsing through a diary) Well, let me see... I-I believe I'm... yes, falling asleep in front of the TV."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I could fall asleep at a play."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(browsing through a diary) Uh, let's see, who do I hate?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but, Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Monica) No, I think we're just blurry shapes to him now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where the hell is everybody?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To himself) oh yes, God yes!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I... I don't know... you seem lovely."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Monica) So, how did you enjoy the play?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well you should be. You missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah! I mean at first I hated it, but why wouldn't I, because as a man I've been trained (bitter woman's tone) not to listen! (pause) But after chapter 16: \"fat, single and ready to mingle\", I was uplifted."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman! Tell me, tell me about your first period!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did somebody sign your bra?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh well, this was a really important experience for me, and I wanted to share it with you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can't believe you guys bought that, enjoy your slow death (runs away)."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I missed most of the party (pause) Charlie's a girl, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) So, a professor, uh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, well... Maybe we could... (he sweeps the stuff off the table and wordlessly invites Monica to have sex on it)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We really need to take those tests?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But I don't wanna do it in a cup!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's weird! In a doctor's office?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(embarrassed) I cannot believe Ross told you that! (pause) And in my defense, it was a Wendy's!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office can't be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey's factory!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah! RACHEL TALKS TOO!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I have a weird feeling about this place. (pause) How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I guess!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, Come on!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why are you here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Heaven) No no no... I mean, why? why is she here??"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What!?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'd love to stay, but I have eh... (points at the cup) got a hot date... (starts to leave)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(disgusted) I think it just fell off. (Leaves)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To the nurse at the nurses' station) My specimen is in the room and I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there. Really helped speed the process along! (walks towards the common area and sees Janice is still there) Janice! You're not... gone?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah! yeah... The hard part is over!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I haven't... I haven't even thought about the results yet... I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't have a baby?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(smiling again) oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. I guess I was just so worried about having to... come here and do... 'that'..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(stares at her intently, then yells) It was a \"Wendy's!! \""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(picking up a plastic cup similar to the one he deposited his specimen in) It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. (pause) No, she's not here but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? (his smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. (pause) Well, so what does that mean? (pause) Ok. Ok, thank you. Thanks. (hangs up)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Doctor Connelly just called."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually it's both of us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do. (pause) It means..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(seriously) It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, we're gonna... we're gonna figure this out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking at the picture of the female reproductive system) Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, DAMN IT!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want you to be our child! (Dr. Connelly glares at him) Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey guys!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But you come first!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sitting down on the couch) Ok."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not as much fun as last time. Apparently you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well... there's surrogacy, but Monica has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she has felt that watching a surrogate would be... too hard for her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... we're talking about sperm donors."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(stopping Joey) ah-ha!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don't think there is one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Look I brought a friend for dinner, this is Zack, from work!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You guys haven't actually met before, but, boy! You're both polite! (pause) Go to have a seat Zack, and I'll get you a beer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Mon) So, Zack's pretty nice, uh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, we're talking about sperm donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look, he's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic, I mean, he is \"spermtastic\"!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm telling you, he's great! I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be the way to go!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(bringing the beer to Zack) Zack!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So what do you think? I want that guys genes for my kid! Those eyes, those cheeckbones!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don't like him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright! Just follow my lead!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh! Thanks, I'm crazy about our place. Hey! speaking of crazy... do you have a history of mental illness in the family?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(very seriously) That's really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know what's not funny? Male Pattern Baldness (Monica stretches her neck to look behind Zack's head and then gives Chandler an \"ok\" sign)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I noticed you were enjoying that Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Proceeding with his dinner) We're teeth people Zack!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You sure you don't wanna stick around a little longer?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you just tired now or are you always tired, 'cause that could be a sign of clinical depression."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think we've found our sperm!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, you think so, well? Should I ask him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not, just because his great-grandmother was obese, our kids are gonna get that from you anyway!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, he's better!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? Are you sure?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sighs with relief) Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either. You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm supposed to... bring the sperm."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you know this leaves us with..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How do you feel about that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me too. I wanna find a baby that needs a home and I wanna raise it with you. And I wanna mess it up in our own specific way."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(smiling) Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We are gonna be great parents."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait, if we're lucky, and we're really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, Zack!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "My wife and I have some boundary issues, you know, sometimes we ask inappropriate questions. We're working on it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would ya?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah Ross, I mean... we're excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time we're gonna wanna do, you know, \"island's stuff\"."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, that's the same as \"it has something to do with wind\"."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(upset) She does?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I wouldn't read too much into it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "David, let me stop you there 'cause I think I see where this is going. I'm not very good at giving advice. So if you want advice, go to Ross, Monica, or... Joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when you pee."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Seriously, we're gonna do this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn't mean now..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you're welcome! Glad I could help."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "David, I'm pretending to read here!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(smiling cheekily) I do! Want a hint? huh? \"I do\" (Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats) \"I do\"."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "David is going to propose to Phoebe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I did! A penis one! Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Man, that's some bad advice!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tonight?! (looks at the ring) Isn't an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond? (squints at the ring to emphasize how tiny the diamond is) Oh, there it is!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica, can I talk to you for a sec? (Pulls her away from Phoebe and Rachel)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "David is going to propose to Phoebe tonight!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That would be advice!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I'd love to give it a read...?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(offended) What? (pause) May I?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(at the laptop) Oh, no, no, no dear God, no!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your computer, I don't know wha... everything's gone!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It must be a virus. I think it erased your hard drive."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Someone I don't know sent me an e-mail and I opened it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it didn't say \"This is a virus\"!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Nude... (Ross looks at him)... pictures of Anna Kournikova. I'm so sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's not gone! I mean, I'm sure you printed out a copy. You have a hard copy, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now...!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I just feel awful."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but... (Ross glares at him) you know, you and Monica have the same \"I'm gonna kill you\" look...? I can usually make it go away by kissing her... (Ross continues to glare at him and Chandler leans in as if he's going to kiss Ross)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pretending not to sense the tone) Oooh! I hope you're happy too, honey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Phoebe is going to say \"yes\"? That's, that's great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And there's not chance that will work?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pointing at her) Oooooooh! Meddler! Meddler!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This vacation sucks!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, it's very hard to take you seriously when you look like that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? (doing David) \"Uh, Phoebe, uh, I would be honoured, uh...\" Spit it out, David!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I wouldn't brag too much about that thing, big guy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, ain't this nice? It's so quiet, I could just lie here all day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm so glad we've got adjoining rooms!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Remember when I had corneas?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ladies? Ross's speech is in 45 minutes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to a paleontologist sitting next to him) Not to mention the cold sores."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to the one sitting next to him) Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't think so!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it's cute, others disagree, and I'm lying!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah? What happened when we played last time?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And...?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not playing with you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She gets crazy! This scar (points to his forehead) is from Pictionary!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(nearly whispering) Oh dear God, there's two of them!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Phoebe) Did you know this about him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(interrupting her) OK!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Phoebe) Do you really find this attractive on him?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay-dokay, you've each won a game and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(exhausted) Ok, look! Enough is enough!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable! Ok, you've already proven you are just as good as he is, now we've missed our dinner reservations, so now let's just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What about the obsessive cleaning?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You ok?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, you didn't."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because I'm gonna play for ya."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(In a loving voice) Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if it's important to you then it's important to me, because I love you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Still in a loving voice) You're welcome, sweetheart."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And that's... how... it's done!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I never sucked, I actually didn't want you to know how good I was!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's why!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I'd love to, but I'm a little tired."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're on!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He could be alone. This morning I heard him do push-ups, and then talk to his triceps."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She's cheating on Joey with Ross!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How about the dinosaur twins in the other room? No-one is manning that wall!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Anything?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You do realise that's your brother?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's not true. I came with Monica and I'm leaving with Weird Al."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay Buckwheat!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And she's... turning on the TV... and watching... Miss Congeniality!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(caresses the wall with his finger) Bye!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He's probably in his room with his current girlfriend Charlie. That's the situation as we know it... (walks to Phoebe and Monica)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You got it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, well we'll go back in there, but will you do one thing for us? The people that care about you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Enunciate!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not quite. Monica's still at the salon, and I'm just finishing packing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're not supposed to take that. Besides, it's a New Testament, what are you gonna do with it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!... aaaaaahhhh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think.... I think I can see your scalp."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What d'ya know... It's a treat for the eyes and the ears."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, it's almost if Air Barbados doesn't care about your social life."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wish I could switch with someone. I really don't wanna sit with Allen Iverson over there."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You go back to work tomorrow night, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So if you want people to see them, then by definition you're not having them taken out... say, at the break of dawn?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What are you singing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's \"Ride of the Valkyries\" from \"Apocalypse Now\"... See, here's the thing: The corn rose were really a solution to your frizzy hair problem. And now that we're home, we don't have that problem anymore, so if you think about it... I hate them!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did I? Let's refresh. I believe what I said was that I could see your scalp."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Again, let's journey back... As I recall what Rachel said, was she had never notice the shape of your skull before. And Joey... Well, Joey didn't realise that there was anything different."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hit yourself in the tooth?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, you've been in there for a long time... Is everything okay?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? What happened?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You can't move at all?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If I untangle you, will you please get rid of the corn rose?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(trying to untangle her) Some of these look a little frayed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now that I untangled you, how 'bout you doing a little something for me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think you know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is what I want to do."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Picks up the \"Miss Congeniality\" DVD) She's an FBI agent, posing as a beauty contestant."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There's a hair in my coffee."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, it's funny. Every time you say \"triplets,\" I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I mean, you have a lovely home."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You want me to wash my hands first, don't you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you must be Owen."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know how to use a compass?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You do? That's fantastic!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I got nothing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where are Bill and Colleen?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We have to leave!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "See? Intuitive!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Which technically now you should give back!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. \"Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real.\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We have to get out of here, baby!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, you and Rachel tonight, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! So tonight may be the night! You're nervous?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How can you be so confident?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? Like you have a routine?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean like this? (he starts touching his thigh in a funny and awkard way)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I see what you mean, that's quite nice. (They look at each other, both embarassed)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...and beer!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Stop staring at my wife's legs! No no! Stop staring at your sister's legs!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She went on one of those spray-on tan places."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Why...why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure, then you should get a mini skirt so you can really show it off."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Pheebs!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who's Amanda?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you trying to do a British accent?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Just so I know, how many more of those can I expect?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, had it done to me though. Feels good !"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello? Is someone on the line?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hang on, she鈥檚 right here. (he enters the living room and hands the phone to Monica) Someone's on the phone, for ya."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Amanda) I get pedicures!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hold on! There is something different."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Was that place... The Sun?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh My God! You can do a duet of Ebony and Ivory all by yourself!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How was your date with Joey?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You didn't like that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If she asks, I protested a little, but ok!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, aren't you a treat."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That fake British woman is a real bitch, but she sure can dance... Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kinda... you know, sneaking around, having to hide from you guys..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually, no. No, it felt right. You know, it felt like uhm... I can't believe we haven't been doing this the whole time."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can tell from your expressions that that's the good news you were hoping for... Well, I'm gonna go continue to... spread the joy.(Chandler leaves the apartment. Joey sighs)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dude, it's Chandler. Let me in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, I went to the tanning place and the same thing happened to me. You have to let me in."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, I just had to get a picture of this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I see you later!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, I got us that room at the Woodford Inn this weekend."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Gee if only she were one and had no idea what the hell a birthday was!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There's this thing I really want us to do. I read about it in Maxim..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine, but if we end up not doing this Maxim thing because of this party..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey hey! Where's the birthday girl?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, sure, she was probably up all night, excited about the party she knows is happening."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, what are we gonna do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not going to Vermont with this Monica!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was not ready for this today!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "To be fair this one does have nuts."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi Emma! It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled. Because of you! Happy Birthday. (Ross looks disappointed and switches the camcorder off)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Was that Emma? Is she up?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know! You'll tell us on Monday!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "To the bathroom!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Yelling) What are you doing? Get the hell out of here! (Phoebe and Joey come out looking shocked)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You do know, I can just turn them the other way around, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm begging you stop."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Also very excited) That sounds more fun than the thing we were going to do in Vermont!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thats a bear."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, on your mark... Get set... GO!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I bought you. How did I forget that that's all you do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They left."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sorry, is this a game for Emma or for Monica?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Emma, you even know it's your birthday today? You're one! One-year-old, that's little."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh! That's my girl!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did I teach her that? Did I just... impart wisdom?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me too..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "There's no-one around. Why don't we just take this one?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was kidding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, not yet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, guys! Come on! You gotta see what Emma just did."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Emma, how old are you? How old are you today? (holds up his index finger again)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let's do it, come on!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, we would've asked you, we just thought you wouldn't be interested."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So excited about your letter!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So you must be going to somewhere fancy to celebrate?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's where people make number two!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(reading) I don鈥檛... uh... understand."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "On every word?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And that became 鈥榯hey are humid prepossessing Homo Sapiens with full sized aortic pumps...?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know what? You don鈥檛 need a thesaurus, just write from here, (points at his own heart) your full sized aortic pump."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I doubt that! Tell her about us last year."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Word!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She's right! If I were a guy and... (stops himself mid-sentence...everyone stares at him) Did I just say if I were a guy..?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I don't think it was desperate, I think it was amazing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sounds good to me... but what would a guy think?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Joe! How's the second draft of the letter coming?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can we read it? Can you print out another copy?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's ok, it's ok. You know what? (Takes out his mobile) I'll just call the agency and tell them to throw out the letter. (starts dialing)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(on the phone) Hello, this is Chandler Bing. Somebody just dropped off a handwritten recommendation letter, and.. (listens) Uh-huh... Uh-huh... okay... thank you. Good-bye. (hangs up looking very confused)."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Still looks confused) They loved it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "They thought it was very smart of us to have a child write the recommendation letter."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She guessed 8, 9, based on his drawings."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That sounds like fun."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think she looks cute. (Rachel turns around and stares at him angrily) ... but I am wrong!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Like war. Or that thing in Joey's refrigerator. Remember? It was in a milk carton but it looked like meat?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor projects!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, I'm sorry, I should have given you guys my black book when I got married! Although it wasn't so much a book as a... napkin. With Janice's phone number on it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(he enters) Hey honey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is Monica not here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, then I'll tell you. My agency was bidding for a big account and they got it! It's my first national commercial!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, and I don't wanna brag but a lot of the ideas were mine! (silence) Hell, you weren't there? All the ideas were mine!!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh... I don't know, I really don't think you're right for the part."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "First of all. Bravo. Uh, but I really don't think you're right for this. The part calls for a stuffy college professor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joe, I told you, you're just not right for the part."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joe..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Work, Joe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What am I gonna do now?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He's not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot! And that's something they should learn on their own!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's good! I liked it, they didn't. (he sees Joey out of the window hitting on a girl) Joey, for God's sake, go to work! (Joey runs away)."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Joe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bad news. I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they weren't interested."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Hands the tape back to him) I'm sorry man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sounds nervous) Yeah! I... I... I liked it! (Joey continues to look at him suspiciously) But, ehm... my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons of bitches!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looks surprised) What!? Of course I did!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not lying to you, I watched it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I watched it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(now yelling) (pretending to look shocked) I did!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(following him) I'm telling you, I watched the tape. (Reaches Joey's room and Joey slams the door in his face)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(In a sarcastic \"of course not\"!-tone) No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe Joey. I hate being called a liar!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What did I just say?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt. I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did something..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He really is a chameleon."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, I'm sorry I didn't give them your tape. And I promise, next time to submit you whether I think you are right for the part or not."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know. You're right. What's it gonna take for you to forgive me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Lying is wrong!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm a pretty little girl."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's funny, we were doing the same thing!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah it is really pricey. I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It was pretty simple actually, I came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) Maybe you do that next time you get married!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Our adoption social worker is coming by today so we are cleaning the apartment."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know you don't want me to help. You can't have it both ways!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Kind of. She's coming by to interview us and see where we live."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(pointing at himself) Little people?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What...? NO!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(he stands up and he feels very offended) I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok, ok, here we go."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here we go. Stand up straight. (smiling) Big smile. (opens the door and both are smiling exaggeratedly)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But you already gave all your money to charity!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don鈥檛 think you can do that!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That鈥檚 sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption Lady."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, because we love kids. Love 鈥榚m to death.Well, not actually to death, that's just a figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But other than that... wholesome, wholesome building."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Of course it was!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "RAT BASTARD!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, it's just some crazy guy who roams the halls here. He's great with kids though."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Screams to interrupt Joey) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......AAAaaa-doption!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, just like I said. That crazy... Bert... roaming the halls. (Joey bangs on the door again)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "WE'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, BERT. EVERYTHNG'S FINE!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah! He has a caretaker. His older brother... Ernie."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(nervous smile) You can't make this stuff up!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What the hell are you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, we're not."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We don't have a code word."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Any room that isn't behind this couch! (laughs nervously)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(escorting Joey to the door) You have to get out of here. You slept with our social worker and you never called her back and she is still pissed, so she can't see you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you! And we don't want to buy your bat! (Joey lowers his bat)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can explain... Joey..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, that's really ok."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wrong number?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello...? Have you seen Joey's bat?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. We don't feel like we can host Thanksgiving this year."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it's just with uhm, work and the stress of adoption, we just don't feel like we have the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no! We made this decision together."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don't let yourself get manipulated this way!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We are supposed to make these decisions together! Did you not watch the Doctor Phil I taped for you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why come all the way from Kansas to do that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know what just occurred to me? This could be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us. I mean, we could be getting a baby soon!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Somebody is gonna pick us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm telling ya! It's gonna happen. Next year it's gonna be you, me and the little Hemingway Bing. (pause) What, he's my favourite author!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(after a long pause) \"The Firm\"?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, you always cook this meal all by yourself. Let me help this year."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm serious, let me do something, just not the turkey or the stuffing, nothing \"high profile\"."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Tell me more."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You obviously haven't tasted my Palmolive potatoes!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hmm, the game's at one."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dinner is at four, we'll never gonna make it back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You say that now, but it could take us a long time to get back home. Plus Joey could get lost and and they could have to page us to go pick him up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, Monica has been working hard all day, she didn't wanna host this thing in the first place, we shouldn't go!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay. (pause) And get ready to taste my very special cranberries. Or should I say... chanberries!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can't believe they are not here! I slave and I slave for what? They've ruined cranberry day!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(peeping) They're out there!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(peeping) Everything is so distorted! Looks like Joey has a giant hand! Which says \"Rangers\" on it. They went to the game!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking through the peephole again) Ross' shirt is torn."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce that... (speaking lower to Monica) what happens to cranberry sauce?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(relieved) Oh thank God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking through the peephole) That's a lie, you went to the game, I can see Joey's hand."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Guys, I'd listen to her. The vein is bigger than I've ever seen it. (Monica looks at Chandler)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "HA-HA! All you got was Monica's stinky Brussels sprouts!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Please let me stay on this side of the door."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The cranberries...?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "He's doing that weird eye contact thing. Don't look at him, don't look at him! (They both look away)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The floating heads do make a good point."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you manheads aren't any better. You lied about going to the game. You knew it would make you late, and you still went anyway."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A little late for that."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhm, we've got turkey grease."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Can you ever feel your ears?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sarcastically) Oh, I left them on my bulldozer... I don't have tools!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, look, I'm gonna pull on the door and you guys push as hard as you can. Maybe we can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay? Okay, so PUSH!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Come on guys, PUSH!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "My cranberries!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Argh! I can't believe what you did. Monica's gonna kill you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Monica) Look! Look! Look what the... Look what... Look what the floating heads did!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's going on?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you serious? (they hug)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That is the exact same thing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We're just here to say goodbye, we're off to Ohio."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And so incorrect!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uhm, thank you, but we're really trying not to get our hopes up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. I mean, this girl could decide against adoption or she could like another couple better.."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I can develop a condition in which I talk and talk and no one hears a word."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So we're standing firm on the 'not getting our hopes up'?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, but..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, screw it, I'm gonna be a daddy!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. Just weird, you know. It's like: \"Hi, I'm Chandler. May I have the human growing inside you?\""}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're gonna be great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you so much for agreeing to see us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ok."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's what our friends call us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(astonished) I don't think that's exactly..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, the fact that I am a doctor, and my wife鈥檚 a reverend, that鈥檚 important to you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, wow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No-ot for me it doesn鈥檛."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, actually. So, you read a file that you liked and you gave the agency the serial number and they contacted us?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You should be. You鈥檙e really on top of stuff.."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I did."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We are NOT signing those papers."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's wrong. They made a mistake. They think we're somebody else."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You have gotta stop!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "She likes Doctor Chandler and Reverend Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your Veal Chop is $34,95!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But we are not the one she chose! How can you feel okay about this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know.."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "oh, honey.."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica, I want a baby too, but this woman is giving away her child. She deserves to know who it's going to. Monica: (realizes Chandler is right. She's almost crying) okay, right. (They hug)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, we'll tell the truth and who knows, maybe she'll like us for us."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're Jewish."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The agency must have made some mistake. My wife is not a reverend and I'm not a doctor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I could perform an operation on you and prove it if you'd like."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, our names really are Monica and Chandler. We're from New York."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Erica wait!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You have every reason to be upset. We did lie. But only because we've been waiting and trying to have a baby for so long. Now we don't know how long it's gonna be before we can get another chance again."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Erica, please. Just consider us. Ask them to see our file. Our last name's Bing. My wife's a chef and I'm in advertising."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But you did like us. And you should. My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this but the woman's always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I... It kills me that I can't give her a baby... I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife... she's already there. She's a mother... without a baby... Please?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You still want that baby?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking at her) Seriously, answer faster!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Phoebe) It's like a giant hug."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(picking up the phone) Hello."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, uhm... I have to work too. Yeah, I'm stuck at the office all day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Those are all really old!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I was in the car with Nancy all day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, at least the perfume is not mine, be thankful for that!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It鈥檚 perfect. It鈥檚 everything we鈥檝e been looking for."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And the wiggle wharms and the zip zorps? (pause) What were the things you said?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And the fireplace in the bedroom."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is bringing out a lovely color in you!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don鈥檛 know. What do you think?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I do too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don鈥檛 know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was getting into Nancy鈥檚 car, so if she asks you, I was at work all day."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We don鈥檛. Not until it's a hundred percent. I mean, why upset everybody over nothing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know. Gooooood luck with it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is it me, or have the greetings gone downhill around here?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah (motions them to sit and they do) I'm not having an affair. Nancy is our realtor."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "...and a street where our kids can ride their bikes and maybe an ice-cream truck can go by."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Actually, we already found a house we love."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bet you wish I was having an affair now, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know this is really hard and we're really sorry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(goes towards Joey) You know that's not the reason Joe. (Joey hugs him and after, he takes something from the fridge and puts it in his mouth. He goes back to where he was standing before)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, that's...'joincidence' with a 'C'!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "If you win, we give up the birds."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "But if we win, we get your apartment."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Dangerous Liaisons."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fancy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fancy guest."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thanks man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. You know, what was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(entering) Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know. (He kisses her.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Little toast here. I know this isn't exactly the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Here, here!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hello? It's Nancy, they responded to our offer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Nancy) Okay, thanks... (to Monica) They passed. They said they wouldn't go a penny under the asking price."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's okay, we understand."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah... Well, it's a good thing we got it then."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We got the house."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I just didn't want to tell you in front of them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We're getting the house. (they hug) We're getting the house."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We're growing up."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So who's gonna tell them?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not it! Damn it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You'll see."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I didn't know how to tell you before, but... We got the house."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What did I marry into?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Monica) I'm leaving you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Who?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looking around) Did I go to this school?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looks over at her) Sure, nice."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're right, by saying \"nice\" I'm virtually licking her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Are you asking permission to break the pact?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Awesome, the name really stands out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Man, we're gonna rock that Asian student union!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, our band is playing on Friday."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Way!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fresh!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mint!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know it. You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I said it first, bro."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(angrily) Look, if you did..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Totally. I had sex in High school..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, I'd say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "All right, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I officially give you permission to break the pact."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Your hands are shaking."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to the two guys) Excuse me. (Chandler and Ross move away from them). That didn't make us sound gay at all!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ross, that was 16 years ago!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair. (Ross just stares at him) All right, look, if we're really gonna do this... it's not like you never broke one of the pacts."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh really!?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "ADRIENNE TURNER!! (A girl behind them turns around)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! Hey Adrienne. (They move away from her)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh please, and you knew how much I liked her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aren't you...?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(smiling at Monica) Right. (to Rachel) So how're you doing?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hi Monica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. (Goes off to find Ross.)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I did and it hurt. (they walk towards the bar) That's when I wrote the song: \"Betrayal In The Common Room\"."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Look (hands him a drink) it was a lo-o-ong time ago."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(smiling a little nervously) Hmm mmmhm.."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(sighs) Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Not her!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Soo... you girls having fun?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well maybe if you go to school here next year we can totally hang out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So where are you applying to?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm in college and I'm in a band."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You kissed her that night too?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Seriously, where did this happen?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh wait... What bed did you say she was on?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What did I marry into?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You look great. I'm so glad we're having this rehearsal dinner, you know, I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No stupid jokes. I thought that was for the actual wedding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Rachel) You know what I just realized? We have no idea what we're doing in the wedding tomorrow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Heh."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is like figure skating team all over again. (Phoebe and Ross glare at him astonished) I mean synchronized swimming. (they continue to glare) I mean- I mean the balance beam. (to Ross) Help me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Thank you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, I hate being left out of things."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Fine. We're just sitting here. Alone. Doing nothing. It's our rehearsal for tomorrow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What happened?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(standing up too) M-Me-me-me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pick me, I look great in a tux and I will not steal focus."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror... as he is me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You are going downer!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(almost crying) I wouldn't know, I didn't make it! (they hug)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mike didn't tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Just not enough to put us in the original wedding party."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, can I talk to you about this groomsman thing? If you pick Ross, he'll walk you down the isle just fine. But if you choose me, you'll be getting some comedy!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let me tell you why you need to pick me. (Goes to sit on the couch facing backwards to the kitchen. Rachel gets a chair and sits opposite him) See, when I was a kid, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel... insecure. You know, I was always picked last in gym. Even behind that big fat exchange student who didn't even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, If I'm the only one left out of this wedding, I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(Getting up and raising his fist in victory) Y-Y-YEEESSS! Make \"groom\" for Chandler."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How's it going?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(smiling to himself too) That's what I was doing too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Me too."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not supposed to tell you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You told us both we could be in the wedding? (they both stare at Rachel)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Rach, Rach, knock knock."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll tell you at the wedding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So technically, would this person be in the wedding?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll do it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm not scared. (moves towards Mike and Chappy) I'll just take little Chappy and... (he backs out) HE CAN SENSE MY FEAR. MY THROAT IS EXPOSED."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(quickly) I'll do it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Ross) Na ha ha... (to Chappy) Ne he he... (Ross moves Chappy to Chandler, who quickly backs away) Ah ah..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Monica) Is it okay that I want you to wear that head set in bed tonight?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah! (Monica walks outside)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ready?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow! Aren't you gonna be cold?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You look beautiful."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That really was an incredible wedding."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'd love to, but it's 2300 hours and I'm about to have the most organized sex anyone's ever had."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know. Maybe he hooked up with that hot girl he was talking to."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, where's Mike?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why are you wearing my apron?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as \"my wife\" and \"the woman who's carrying my child\"? (she's not amused) No? Divorce?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, those places! There's always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and... you know, there's always some idiot who goes \"Mooooo\"!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm so sorry..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica. Calm, self."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why would you say that?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Great! (to Monica) This baby'd better to be really good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(enters the room wearing an \"I love New York\" t-shirt, a \"Statue of Liberty\" hat and carrying bags) New York is awesome!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I've been to these places before, but I've never really seen them, you know."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's great."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'll bet his dad doesn't think so."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake! (He turns the light on)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel-killer."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I dunno, aren't there tests for these things, right?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pff, easy for you to say, he's a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. He's probably got a tattoo that says \"mom\" on his shovel-wielding arm!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! How was lunch?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(struggling) Oh, really?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "O-okay. (steps closer to Monica and speaks softly) So, is she gonna take the test?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh God. It's shovely-Joe, isn't it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How do you know?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(nods in appreciation) Shovely Joe!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I don't know why we hang out with married couples more often."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it. (she shrugs)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "A dinosaur died a million years ago?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "YOU NEVER DID IT!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey! I will have you know that... aah, who am I kidding. Let's call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mrs Hannigan?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Joe! We've got a couple of things we've got to check out at the new house. You want to come with us?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, come with us. You'll see how close it is to the city."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Damn it."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's what we were gonna name the baby."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, how'd the interview go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I always feel that way after an interview. I'll bet it went better than you think."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That is a bad interview."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh! Israeli champagne. And it's vanilla!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "To Ross!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And thank you for explaining to us what escrow means... I've already forgotten what you said, but thank you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "When your head was hanging out the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Man, those two dogs are going at it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? What changed your mind?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ha! I'm just messing with you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room do you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's seven years ago. (he looks surprised) My time machine works!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Excuse me?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "For your information, I was staring at her baby. We're about to be parents."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How did the job stuff go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That's great!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How did the job stuff go?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Or facing a bitch of a commute."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "My boss said I might be getting a new lamp in my cubicle. (Monica looks at him and can't really place what he just said)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it makes me feel sad, but..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I see."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is this the best way to use one of your three magic wishes?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We close escrow tomorrow, so seeing another house can only confuse us, and we're easily confused. We're not very bright."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What do you think Pheebs?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You're kidding!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know. *He* always wanted to be the first black man to cross the Atlantic."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Unless Snoopy says it to Charlie Brown, I think we're okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It feels like we鈥檙e cheating on our house. And if we鈥檙e gonna cheat, shouldn鈥檛 it be with like a hot, younger house, that does stuff that our house won鈥檛 do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And yet I never run into Beyonce!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(at Janice's punching) Don't, don't! (looks disgusted)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica and with bulging eyes) Why!?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This can not be happening!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The only way that that is going to happen, is if the other couple are the Hitlers."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That is a great idea! And by the way, I don't mean to sound distasteful, but when did you start crapping money!?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright alright, we still have three hours till escrow closes on our house. We can still get out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and (apes Janice's voice) \"Oh My God\"!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(looks afraid, but at the same time, knows she's right) Well, we have to do something. We can't have her living next door. (Janice's laughs loudly outside) Oh, that does it too. (Motions with his index finger like Monica did)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "The Hitlers will be so disappointed."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wait! I just want you to know that... I'm so happy you're going to be here."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Because... that way... we can pick up where we left off."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I never stopped loving you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, yeah, yeah! I want you... I need you... I must have you Janice Litman Goralnik Neihosenstein."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Now that you live next door, we can be together every day. Sid and Monica never have to know a thing."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(stunned) Obviously."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don't say that. Don't tangle the dream and take it away."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I understand."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(speaking as in pain) They're never coming down now."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So we thought we'd throw you little going away party around seven."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where's your passport?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it's not."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "At what point did it stop being funny that I took her passport?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We're taking a break!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Jumping on the bed?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no, guys. She's right. We should get to work. I'll take stuff out of the closet, Joey you pack 'em and Ross you re-pack whatever Joey packs."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(holding a pair of furry handcuffs) What the hell is this?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I didn't know Monica had these!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why would she use them with Richard and not me? I can be kinky! I once did a naked dance for her... with scarves!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know, she's been such a big part of my life. And it feels like when Melrose Place got cancelled. (Ross and Joey looks puzzled) I mean... oh, forget it. I miss Melrose Place!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yes, Joe?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yes. I decided to leave these out for you in case Richard stops by and you wanna engage on a little light bondage and moustache play!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh yeah, right! Good luck getting another scarf dance from me!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? Then what are they doing in our guestroom?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Rachel... with handcuffs! Interesting! (he looks excited)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(he doesn't look excited anymore). Well played."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh, Rach?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Rachel) Uh, Rach... I think I have something that belongs to you. (shows her the cuffs)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No, no, no... They're really yours. We... found them in your old room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Don't say Richard! Well, if they're not Monica's and they're not yours, then whose are they?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Pheebs!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think these are yours."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure. (to Phoebe) You don't really handcuff guys to waterpipes do you?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Let me just say something... Because once we get into this, I'm gonna get all uncomfortable and probably make some stupid joke... I just want to say that I... I love you... And, I'm gonna miss you. And I'm so sad that you're leaving."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Ooh, not so tight... (blows raspberry, and the hug ends) I'm sorry, just give me one more chance."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm sor... Just go. Just go. I can't, I can't."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, you're definately not. I haven't cried like that in years."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Mine was a humdinger"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, you can't say we don't know how to throw a party."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey and I can finish up in the guest room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to Joey) You couldn't be cool. (he goes to the guest bedroom)"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey Mon, I think I figured out whose handcuffs they are."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I was cleaning out the closet and I found some pictures of them... being used."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica's grandmother."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Relax! We just get her some antacids."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Honey, it's gonna be okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Relax! We'll just get her some antacids."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh my God!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Next time, can I say breathe?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where are you going?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You can't leave me alone with her."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "This is exactly the kind of social situation that I am not comfortable with!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's just that we've never spent any time, you know, alone together."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "So, ah... Any plans for the summer?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hah. May not wanna mention this. So, you ever wonder which is worse, you know; going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, it's just interesting. You know, because no one will ever know, because no one can experience both."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "One of life's great, unanswerable questions. I mean, who knows? Maybe there's something even more painful than those things? Like this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Is it really that bad?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I'm okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright. Wow, that is one disgusting miracle."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(emotional) It's a baby! A beautiful little baby! And some other stuff I'm gonna pretend I don't see."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that's spongy."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know. He has your eyes."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I mean, I know that's not possible, but he does."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How do you feel?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, gosh. That makes me feel so special and good."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Interesting! (To Monica) Can I see you for a second?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What do we do?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(panicking) Twins! Twins!!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?! Okay, what do you say we keep one, and then just like have an option on the other one?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, they'll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that's a great day for everybody."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What if they're not? What if it's adopted by a king?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Monica, we are not ready to have two babies!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(smiles) Okay. Shhh..."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(shocked) She? It's a girl?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(To Monica) Well, now we have one of each! (To the doctor) And that's enough!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Maybe. Unless they're like two people who have lived in apartments next to each other for years, and then one day they're pushed through a vagina and they meet."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Bye!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Have fun at church-camp!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know! You ready to trade?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We could trade later."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Her name is Erica."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah. It's a shame you two didn't get to spend more time together."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I love you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I have no idea what's going on, but I am excited!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We were wondering what was taking so long with the gift, but now we understand you were doing this."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Really? You got us a chick and a duck?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, don't worry, we'll find them."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Alright."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "It's okay, it's just an egg roll."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Okay, let's find these birds."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, that can't be good!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "How?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, tons, I'm quite the woodsman."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Joey, wait! The ball!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know. Maybe we can open this up somehow."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "No... It's all glued together."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know. Maybe."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I know! It's.. It's the foosball table."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Did that movie ever get made?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "And we're also gonna buy you tiny, bird hearing-aids."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "What's the matter?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I understand."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I don't know. Except that, for one last time... (he touches the players as he says the following) Good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, I can't do it either."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "We have to bust it open, but neither of us can do it!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "That was... Impressive."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sorry about the table, man."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You gonna buy a new one?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Well, at least we got these little guys out."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Aww, we were worried about you! Hm. I guess I better get used to things crapping in my hand, huh?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Hey, you know what? Maybe we should keep them here with you."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Yeah, I mean we've got a lot going on right now. And, plus, here they'd have their own room."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "You know, I - I think you're set with the poultry."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "I think there may be another reason. So, awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Wow, this is weird."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Where's Ross?"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "(to his children) Look around, you guys. This was your first home. And it was a happy place, filled with love and laughter. But more important, because of rent control, it was a friggin' steal!"}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Oh, it's gonna be okay."}
{"character": "chandler", "line": "Sure. Where?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two dogs breathing heavily? A pair of pants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Japan, Korea, and China go trick or treating. Japan and Korea receive candy while China gets opium.Britain was at the door.Credit to u/TheSnipenieer for the inspirational post."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Good thing I had a CVS receipt in my wallet... The men’s room was out of toilet paper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do ghosts drive? Boo-gattis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked our security specialist, “How did the hackers get away?” Miffed, he shrugged and answered, “No idea. They ransomware.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can you stop staring at my gf when she's breastfeeding at the mall???? When I'm thirsty I'm thirsty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me: \"would you sell me for a million dollars?!?\" I said \"never in a million billion years!!\"He asked \"what about 2 million\"I said \"are you kidding me?!? In this economy? Sorry little man\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do squirrels live in trees? Because they’re fucking nuts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m glad # is not called pound anymore. Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the horny rebellion only last two minutes? Because everyone came"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just thought of one but maybe borrowed. Always wondered why there's a lot indian doctors in gastroenterology. Let me go ask my friends Pooja and Harshit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Me: What’s a pirates favorite letter?Unwitting person just living their life: R?Me: R’s what you’d think but it’s the C they love!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach. Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three blondes are walking when they come across tracks. The first blondes says “I know these, they’re deer tracks!” The second says “No! They’re bear tracks” Finally the third speaks up and says “Your both wrong! They’re obviously fox trails!” They were still arguing when the train hit them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do I always bring 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing? Because I always get a hole in one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian transvestite? A grease trap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, why is destruction a form of creation? Dad: Well son, you see, I destroyed your mom's pussy to create your ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to \"break a leg\"? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street? Au!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Owls: I do not know What, Where, When, or Why I only know who"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dollar say to the yen? You are so invaluable, it doesn’t even make cents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor’s yard is so vibrant and colorful. Good thing I switched his weed killer to MiracleGro."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair...... Now neither of us are rolling"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a masturbation addiction But I'm beating it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play triangle in a reggae band. I would stand at the back and ting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a black and white cow? Moo-latto"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware! Could be a set up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking along and I saw a guy fall into a nest of mosquitoes... ...it was malarious!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of 500 atoms? A Refund.*This post is brought to you by \"Todd Howard did Nothing Wrong\" gang*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?” “ I don’t know, but Alaska.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "German tourist visits Poland Guy at the airport: Nationality?German dude: GermanGuy at the airport: Occupation?German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teachers from other countries make fun of the US education system Sure, we don’t teach evolution everywhere, but I don’t see your countries volunteering to demonstrate natural selection in schools across the country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA? The Make-A-Wish foundation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mother in law... Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your mother-in-law’s funeral today?”“Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop? It’s just plain common scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm surprised the pandemic has lasted this long. I thought trump trusted doctors to fix his mistakes before they hit 9 months"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor? He was constantly thinking about his next line"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla Ice creamed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stormy Daniels should run for president If we're going to have an inept asshole in office I'd rather have a bleached inept asshole"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, \"I wonder if the have any colored printers.\"I replied, \"Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got startled by my timer going off. It was alarming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't forget to tip your server, that's what they always say... But then I got fired from the Google Datacenter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a Japanese Soldier and a Actor have in common? When they get discovered, their career blows up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my Great Grandfather died they cremated his body but kept his toupee. It is considered a family hairloom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a stoner do when he sees a space man? He parks in it, man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "if Lays had invented air hockey it would be just air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind - it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t have a problem with most ancient gods and the like... but that Pan really gets my goat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't rabbits make noise when they're having sex? Cotton balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I feel sorry for kids who used to eat chalks and crayons when they were little. They must have dyed inside a little."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t like people who take drugs… For example, airport security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hacker stuck in his house after a winter storm? Edward Snowed-in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it... AlGoreRythyms"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"do you believe in ghosts?\" **Me:** lol no— even my grandma says that's dumb\"dude your grandma died 10 years ago\"**Me:** what?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ruth wasn't invited to the party. The people at the party were ruthless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what fruit is in the bathroom? a poop apple"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband: How do you turn Alexa off? Wife: Walk around naked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, \"I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out.\" \"Fine with me,\" said the dentist, \"but I'll have to adjust the chair.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform. She said it's in case she has to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You stole my viola, cello, and double bass. You made me so angry, I'm violint now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only in England. £800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.But reduced to £400 if paid early.If you catch covid at the party, the government willgive you £500 to stay at home.That's £100 profit.This country is absolutely fucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can’t even."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me you've aged like a fine wine. More complex, more flavoursome, increased sweetness. Overall tastier But with more body"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bet your bottom dollar... ...there's a coin up your ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the salad crisis in Hungary? The situation really needs a dressing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pedophiles are like televisions Even a three year old can turn them on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the brain experience so much anxiety? Because it’s part of the nervous system"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, \"Windy ain't it?\"Bob says, \"Nah, it's Thursday.\"Vick says, \"Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was working in the butter factory such a high stress job? Because there was no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a woman thru hiker like a hockey player? They both go three periods before taking a shower.\\-- I was told this joke by a woman thru hiker while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks? Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.Seriously though, fuck geese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory. Said the snooker teacher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a guy who was in a motorcycle accident and lost the whole left side of his body He’s alright now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's my cake day or something, Here's a dad joke :) A blind man walks into a bar,  And then a table,  And then a chair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”... ...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a chicken do their hair? With a comb, In one fowl swoop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: \"Yes, It is a serious problem.\"71% of respondents answered: \"No es una problema seriosa.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "-40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they are changing the Uncle Ben’s Logo? Everyone thought it was ricest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an 8 year old stuck in a closet? I don't remember, but the amber alert called her Mary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card? \"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money? Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some crocodiles got together to write parody songs. It's a pun croc band."}
{"character": "random", "line": "According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles he's also worked with alligators too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having an argument with the wife and she said \" When i married you, i thought ypu where brave\"..... And i said \"So did i all my friends\"..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year’s resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorant. Roll on 2019"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kinky guys visits a prostitute and says surprise me She removes her left eye and tell him go fuck her in the eye socket. He does and it's the best he ever had.As he's leaving he tells her that he will certainly see her again. She responds. OK, I'll keep an eye out for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best pickup line for a girl in a wheelchair “What’s up Hot Wheels”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought two hermit crabs I put them in the same small cage, are they still hermit crabs???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail He was behind bars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke. Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Australia they use kangaroo broth to make Marsoupial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Siri,\" I asked my phone, \"why am I so bad with women? She responded, \"I'm Bixby, you moron.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a pig when it's poor? An oink-ment!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It's my new years resolution."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some one told me to leave my auto correct on I told them to eat my ash"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom always said I was like a punctuation mark I am an exclamation mark when I should have just been a period."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin He had an adept understanding of string theory"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hairdresser got put it jail for 9 years because he was drug dealing All this time, I've been coming to him and never did I know that he was a hairdresser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I make rabbit tuxedos for a living. I'm a hare-dresser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Microsoft hires regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation. It's a very PC work environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jesus calls to John And Jesus said \"John come forth and you will win eternal life!\"But John came fifth so he only won a free dinner at Geno's Steak & Pizza."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the accepted currency in Australia? Outbucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I'll have a stack of 24 pancakes, please Waitress: That's a tall order!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An argument between a couple GF: I'm tired of you pretending to be a detective, we should split upBF: good idea, we'll cover more ground that way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target. tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard? A lawn mewer.(I wrote this yesterday)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Uncle Ben A true credit to his rice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the marble mine today I kept taking it for granite"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself: \"This really takes me back\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husabnd and wife A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”  The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any liquor, illegal guns or illegal drugs. I took him aside and asked him \"Whaddya need?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Interviewer: So what are your strengths and weaknesses. Me: I have a decent sense of humor but my General Knowledge is not so good. Interviewer: Ok, then tell us a joke.Me: Knock Knock.Interviewer: Who?Me: 2nd US President.Interviewer: 2nd US President who?Me: Like I said, my General knowledge isn't good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the person with Alzheimer’s disease say? What did the person with Alzheimer’s disease say?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Tupac say when he drove a steam train? *I didn't choose the chug life, the chug life chose me.*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings? Grayscale What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings?           Grayscale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got into an argument with a blind man. He just couldn't see my point of view."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got in the way at the silo when they were pouring grain. I got all wheat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joe biden enters the white house. Donald trump says \"you don't have the right to take the presidency from me!\" Joe Biden responds: \"perhaps not, but I do have the left!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of document do you have to sign before you can work in a convent? A Nun-Disclosure Agreement"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: Hey, guess this \"What always increases, but never decrease?\" Husband: Your weight?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Secretary walks into the President's room Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man wanted to marry his sister, but it was illegal in his state. So they bought a house and he installed a single stair out front.Putting a step in front makes it perfectly legal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reports of terrible flooding in Pakistan Authorities fear it was the work of a suicide plumber"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago I’m not too worried about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently bought some fragranced candles They cost me several scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it \"Go Fly!\"but it didnt fly.Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly They call her ‘Cagey B’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke by my 6 year old niece 6: Why did the chicken cross the road?Me:I don't know why?6: He didnt, he got hit by a truck!Still gets me 13 years later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does elephant and rabbit have in common? They both start with letter R if elephants name is Raul"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math But science and math pushed back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19 They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins? Society"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw.... He said, \"I'm not sure, it all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The thought process of a wounded animal and a second grader on picture day is pretty similar, Show your teeth and maybe they’ll go away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the CVS receipt joke? Sit down and get comfy. It’s really long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor shingled my roof for free He said it was on the house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple friends and I are opening a chicken wings restaurant called the \"Right Wing Cafe.\" We don't actually sell any wings, we just complain about other wing places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who'd want to be Trump's security guard ? \\- you shout \"Donald, Duck\" & everybody would just laugh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We'll see about that..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an egg roll? Just give it a little push."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At 70, she still had a body like an hourglass Brittle and full of sand"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an Eastern European’s favorite food? Coleslav"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 electricians got into an argument.. It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.Shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend asked why I have a giant gong in my apartment's living room. I told him it's just my clock. He gave me a confused look, so I replied \"here, I'll show you\", and hit the gong really hard. It reverberated loudly throughout the apartment. Then we heard a voice through the wall: \"You asshole!! It's 3AM!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I know of a perfect way to rob a bank. Son: What is it?Dad: It’s a place where people keep their money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library and asks if there’s any books about turtles... Librarian: hardback?Man: Yea with little heads"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Americans win the space race? Because the soviets were Stalin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a man shovelling horse poo off the road, into a bag So I stopped and asked him why.He told me he was taking it home, to put on his rhubarb.Fair enough, but I prefer custard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when you’re shopping for new eyebrows? Browsing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better? Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.Because then he'll get a  better taste in music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you get if you cross a poodle with a pit bull? not much of a watchdog, but it’s a vicious gossip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old but gold What is green and smells like pork?Kermit the frog's middle finger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Keith Flint failed his English at School. It was a really tough break because his final essay was excellent He just ran out of space"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My date saw my bottom shelf tequila selection and made fun of me for being cheap and poor They were definitely cheap shots."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guy friends are planning how to market their new product Friend 1: “Should I make a folded informative pamphlet that we can hand out to potential customers?”Friend 2: “Bro, sure!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the ghetto snowman call his friends? His snowmies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue.... It's called a dictionary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Offensive crayon ideas! Presidential OrangeMiscarriage MaroonPrivilege WhiteTravel Ban BrownLives Matter Black\"I should have known better than to talk to him like that, these bruises are my fault\" Blue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new set designer was hired at the filming company. He was fired shortly after for making a scene."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar. The bartender walks over and says, \"Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas. But it’s still up in the air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom. I'm pissed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? Because it was over 90°."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it? Run for president."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.\"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down.\"\"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him.\" Johnny then frowned.\"I was sitting on Daddy's lap\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Mexican electrician accidentally touched a live wire. He suffered a Corona discharge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Britain leaves EU, how much space will be freed up? 1 GB"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep. huehuehue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are a gorilla's nostrils so big? Just look at his fingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Germany it’s frowned upon to manhunt people named Kyle It’s in poor taste to seek Kyle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A manager of a food mart comes home after a long day of work. \\*conversation at dinner\\*Manager's wife: I've been wondering how you deal with all the people refusing to wear masks. How?Manager: Well, I manage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Despite CDC guidelines, there's no reason to worry about people not covering their noses with their masks. They're mouth-breathers anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans. After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying dinosaur that uses its hands to see? A tactiledactyl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when... ...commercial Oil tankers are attacked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump's Staff picked their favorite instruments and the choice was unanimous Lyres, all of them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The voices in my head are ok, I can deal with them… It’s the voices outside my head that bother me and fuck my life up…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag.   The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office.  I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting  furniture.  My nightmare continues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a dog who likes to play soccer and roll on the ground I decided to call him \"neybark\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 5-year-old niece's twist on an old pirate joke **Question:** Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet?**Answer:** Because his 'I' was all jacked up.*...she cracks me up*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I turned to my wife last night I turned to my wife last night and said .......\"I'm into anal\".She gave me a look of despair, glared at me and then said \"Animal\".I just love it when we do the cryptic crossword together!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm Sir Cum Sized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone? Bisaxual"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we \"be positive\", but it's hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? No, you should just stick with turkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, Aye E! I owe you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, the future, and the present all walked into a bar at the same time. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday. I'm expecting a long sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads \"Idaho\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Rolex had an app on PC what would be Its file name? Rol.exeSorry for the trash pun, thought about it while walking in front of rolex"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is squirrels's least favourite month? November"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, \"Do you have a criminal background\". I replied, \"No, is that still a requirement\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 words, 17 letters. Say it, and I'm yours. Omelette du Fromage"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey... Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pillow cases are just tiny duvets! Wake up sheeple, you're living with a pillow sham!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists... Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King? You take a royal flush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mushroom walks into a bar and sidles up to a stool. Bartender: “You’ll need to leave. We don’t serve your kind here.”Mushroom: “Why not? I’m a . . . fun-gi.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call medicine that you give to pigs? Oinkment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on a blind date. I saw this lovely girl and said to her are you Susan?She said are you Brian?.. I said yes I am: All exited..She said no my name is Sharon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do they make honey in the Middle East? From a shawarma bees"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him... ...with my bear hands..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an orange pith? It's what you get when you drink too much orange jooth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.  It was pointless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cemetery raises its costs and blames it on the cost of living Indeed a grave situation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I speak two different languages Formal and informal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a black rectangle have in common with the girl I met last night? >!you tap it once and it's gone!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world. For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed? Let me finish this one line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house  Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which tree has the least amount of education? A lemon tree"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm glad the short form of cockroach is roach and not the other way around. I dont think people want to hear 'There's a cock in my bedroom'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says \"G\". The teacher says, \"Why is that Angus?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice. I said \"Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!\"He said \"Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him \"occupation?\"\"Vell, only if you insist \" he replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a skillet and a person who asks celebrities invasive questions? One's a frying pan, the other is a prying fan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "farmer: how many cows got out? **me:** seventeen**farmer:** round 'em up**me:** ok twenty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sad news today, folks. Mr. Potato Head died. He had brain tubers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce. They just don’t communicate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums. He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two friends were talking to each other in a bar... \"I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!\", one man proudly exclaimed.\"I thought you said that you were buying her a new car,\" the other questioned.\"Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad gave up his job of being a late night radio DJ. He took up a new job as a railway construction worker. Talk about a career change, but I guess he just couldn’t give up his love for laying tracks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours. Guess women are the ones full of shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Alabama's population size? Family size."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV? Nut-flix!A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What position did Jesus play on his baseball team? Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance. Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the crazy person get out of the forest? He took the psychopath!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a 4D printer? Just take a 3D printer and give it some time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family has been specializing in ventilator sales for over 40 years. I don't know why we've been getting so many creeps lately at our Only Fans store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book... You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side. It scared my wife pretty bad. I assured her he’s all right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Swedish people love their country? Because they have Stockholm syndrome"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: When did they find water on the moon? A: When it was waning!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That's one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It's a freebie.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there's Nathan...(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Reversing the car) \"Ahh, this takes me back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell by someone's home if they're a highway robber? All the signs will be there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you spell the words \"Absolutely Nothing\" backwards, you get \"Gnihton Yletulosba,\" which ironically means...Absolutely nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between humans and a bullet? Humans miss John Lennon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a rumour there is a remake of Brokeback mountain in the works starring women On the one hand im sick of all these remakes, on the other hand...Will be lotion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the kid in the wheelchair get bullied? He was easy to push around"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I showed up late for a Zoom meeting... ...when asked for a reason, I confessed: \"You wouldn't believe the network traffic\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just had an operation on my funny bone.... Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the game Operation without the batteries? Autopsy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby? A slow poke!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you are debating whether or not to shovel your neighbor's driveway... Ask yourself, \"would they do the same for me?\"If the answer is no, do it anyways out of the kindness of your heart.If the answer is yes, go back inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ... ...It’s a grave issue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a snowman is gay? The carrot’s in the back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost? Boooooooobs!You’re welcome. Happy Halloween everybody!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t astronauts need health cover? Because they are never under the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a person is sueing a product for blinding him/her in one of their eyes, they should win double the amount Because they are not gonna be able to see half of it anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They've recently discovered a brand new use for goats in Pakistan... They're calling it \"Milk\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why giraffes necks are so long? Because their heads are so far from their body"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Europe is like a fridge You have the freezing cold part at the top  Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selectionThen down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants? My ice cream cone. =(*Inspired by actual events."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked into the store and asked \"do you have any helicopter flavoured chips?\" The cashier says \"no , we just have plain\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the driver fired from the destruction derby? He was accused of wreckless driving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the cub shy after taking his shirt off at the pool? He was a little bare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers... ...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Finally, I caught them all”, said Ash as he walked out of the STI clinic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it... Because revenge is a dish best served cold"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding. The citizens of Cairo are still in denial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Alabama's population size? Family size."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son came to me & said: 'Can I have a book mark?' 14 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Jeff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Hitler's girlfriend and a female farmer? One bails her hay and one hails her bae."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Wayne became a surgeon. Whenever he carried out a surgery, he always asked the nurses to turn the lights off. This was extremely dangerous and unusual, so the nurses asked him why.He said, \"I operate in the shadows\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club? Because he was flossin’...Buh dum tisssss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chinese takeout: $8. Tip :$2. Getting home and finding out that they forgot part of your order: riceless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball! 4G must've fried her brain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year Hers is in February and mine in July"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is hiking when they see a set of tracks... \"Look\" says one, \"a father and his kids are on this trail.\"  The other asks \"how do you know it is the father?  It could be mom.\"\"Nope.  Definitely the dad...see the Pa prints?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf? He's inbread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working He said, \"I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids. You say \"yea we have been trying for a child for months now\"I hear \"Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Tortoise challenged the Hare The Tortoise said “race you home!”The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zimbabwe's currency is so devalued... That rapper \"50 cent\" is known as \"40 billion dollar\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know about that samurai who committed harakiri ? He had no guts ...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mates works on the railway. He does maintenance or maybe engineering....Something along those lines anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's been some time since I saw any good event What do you mean, Don't you wear a pair of eye-glasses  So?  Don't you see a SPECTACLE every day?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is a top secret message This is a bottom secret message"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spot a leopard? You don’t, they come that way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side A daddy wrong legs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is sand so optimistic? It has a can-dune attitude."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we \"be positive,\" but it's just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: \"Does this taste funny to you?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it's a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Madam, we brought your husband. He is very drunk,every time we lifted him he fell again. Wtf, where is his wheelchair?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard wired connections are faster... So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year’s resolution is I’m gonna be less condescending. (Condescending means talking down to people btw )"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I'd make a joke about fencing but then I saw the rule about \"no ripostes\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory? It was a total mascara."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine a parrot and a shark? Something that talks your leg off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "$50k in hair extentions was stolen from a downtown hair salon, Police are still combing the area for clues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new thing called a shovel? It's groundbreaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a friend who always speaks his mind and thinks with his gut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to sell security alarms door to door, and i was really good at it. If no one was home, i would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir,We’re writing to you  because you’ve violated copyright ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shirt say to the pair of pants? Wassup Britches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the skunk do with all their love letter? They scent them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best country for retired runners? Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans. After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 26 letters chipping in to make a big gamble? An alpha bet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, \"Name?\"\"Hans Muller\" replies the German.\"Occupation?\"\"No, just visiting this time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never tipped a cow. But, then again, I’ve never had one serve me drinks or a meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3AM My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3am. Can you believe it!? Luckily I was still up playing the drums."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Genie: You have two wishes left Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P insteadPenie: And your final wish?Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S insteadPenis:Ms: Nics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been trying to learn to play solitaire, but I can't finish a single game! You'd think it would be easier, since my deck is already missing six cards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that Andrew Rea's made a reaction channel? Cringing with Babish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of the Sham Wow: A true rags to riches story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy Too bad I'm not funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can't take a vacation.. \\- I can't go on a long vacation because of my work. \\- Oh, I'm sure they can manage without you for a week.\\- Exactly! That's what I don't want them to discover."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts... ... It makes no cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ... ... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Hitler so surprised when he lost the war? Because he did Nazi it coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tomato paste is pretty viscous I guess it’s not very fast paste"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Must be strange being Tiger Woods; Getting to hear, \"Morning, Woods!\" all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be \"friends with benefits\". Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man on the street was trying to sell me a \"slightly used\" television... \"How can a television be slightly used?\" I inquired\"The old lady that owned it, she was blind in one eye.\" he said"}
{"character": "random", "line": "China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online. They arrived today, safe and sound."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman goes to a butcher and says \"I'll take some pork chops and make them lean\"\"No problem\", the butcher replies. \"Which way\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've realized that Children are like farts You don't mind them when they're your own But everyone else's are disgusting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste. Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a... ...Flat Fee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do they call elevator in China? Well,on a button like everywhere else in the world"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices. It was a Catcher in the Rye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor... And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: \"What's that Daddy?\" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)... Daddy: \"That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound.\"Son: \"Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Cellos are brown Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an argument among Trump's staff? Clash of klans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident? A: Yeah, now he's a rect-angle!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back That would be truly alarming"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose? A couple calves, an ass,ten little piggies,a beaver,a shit load of hares,and a fish that no one can seem to find!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. \"Hello.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did a cheating snail say to his slug wife Sorry but i love Michelle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the governor of North Carolina criticized for responding to Hurricane Florence so quickly? Because women don’t like premature evacuations"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Evangelists don’t need health care. They’re on the single prayer system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of biscuits fly? Wee plain ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape Maybe I won't stick with this one either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company It’s going to be called Au Nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It” Too many Maine characters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother in law is Spanish My mother in law is Spanish, so when we named our son 'Muchos' it really meant a lot to her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling Just kidding, I made you smile :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a human with a lot of patience? A doctor!-original joke invented by me (I hope at least someone gets it)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo mamma so hairy She gotta comb her wrist to see what time it is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection After all, no one wants a hung jury"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself  It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL On May 25th 2001, a blind man named Erik Weihenmayer climbed the top of Mount Everest... When asked how he feels, he said \"I'm gonna kill that fucking guide dog of mine!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters? Because then it would be .3048 Meter!Some jokes just don't translate well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to make a joke about people that do drugs But that’s where I draw the line"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone knows Communists make the best bread Its so good they're willing to wait hours in line for a single loaf!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do motivated tires say? We move."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen. But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm making a killing selling home security systems... All I do is say \"Hello\" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I mixed up the temperature units when doing my Physics test As a result, I got an absolute zero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The f in orphan stands for family wait"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop. The steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superglue comes with a warning: \"Caution - Instantly bonds skin.\" But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: \"Caution - Instantly bonds kin.\" That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... \"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?\" He asked. \"Where were you educated?\"\"Yale,\" replied the young accountant.\"Such a grand university - what is your name?\"\"Yim Yohansen\" replied the accountant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times? Because they used to spit fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young cows eat lunch? In the calf-ateria."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't make it at the sandpaper factory boss said I didn't have enough Grit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once dumped a cross-eyed chick. Thought she was seeing someone else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do giraffes paint? Giraffiti"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only way to access the contents in a bottle... Is to decapitate it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the two helium atoms? He He"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns? I wish they would have tortoise that in school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef Strokeitoff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on? I don't think they'll fit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it? Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was right there when God got tired of drinking Michelob... He said: > Now, let there be Lite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dataminer? Thats illegal They are too young to date"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied. I shit you knot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was at a “Capital One Cafe” and asked the waitress for her phone number. Oh NOW they start guarding personal data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds. I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've taken up guessing the weight of Dogs by holding them in my hands over lock-down.... ...I picked up a few pointers this morning!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Colombia, kids have built a snowman. The police guessed snowman's value at approximately $400 million."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts use to do their makeup? Vanishing cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-naaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I brought a date to the 4th of July party... ...really sweetened up the fruit salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shelly sells seashells down by the seashore Shelly got chlamydia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son can only see in shades of beige, Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you compliment a Venezuelan girl? Tell her she looks like a trillion bucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid walks out in a Tortoise costume,why are you wearing that costume?” Mother: why are you wearing that costume?Kid: I’m going to that costume partyMother: isn’t that next year?Kid: yeah, but I’m a Tortoise..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote an article about \"The top 10 worst places to stick a fork\"... The 5th one will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Excuse me, does this restaurant serve crabs? Sit right down sir. We serve everybody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do two tiger sharks mate? I don’t know. They’re fucking underwater"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Nature Valley Granola Bars make good trail food? Because they go fucking-everywhere! When you eat them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, \"I really want children. Let's make some babies.\" Betty Goat responds, \"Hell no. No baby goats for me...\" \"I'm not kidding.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition. It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's friend had a baby... She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented \"Aww, what a little angle.\" I replied to my wife's comment \"Ya, she's pretty acute.\"I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug. I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine. It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault? he was a tenure sax"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents are rich... Edit: I’m rich and I need a shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lamb, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff Baaah dummm tssssssss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I went to the doctor... She asked \"What brings you here today?\"I replied \"My car.\"And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: \"Not sexually active.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero. I think hispanic buying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im sexually attracted to pillows I sleep with one every night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ... ... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 electricians got into an argument.. It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.Shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:\"Man, Chester, you Knighted!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks \"hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?\"  Donald replies \"No. Iran.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when your uncle’s wife tells you a joke? It becomes an anti-joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a way around the Chai niece sense or ship [Not removed]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I went to Iraq for holidays... And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home...  Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself.  So I called the suicide hotline...  They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police were called to a crime scene. They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.She screamed \"My husband. What have I done?\"Cop \"How many times did you hit him?Wife \" I don't remember. Put me down for a six\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do movie companies hire fisherman? Because they're great at casting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something. Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The photophobiac's power just went out. He is delighted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked, \"Can you lend me a book mark?\" I immediately burst into tears.12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roofer with a perfect safety record? He never had a shingle accident."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a linguist, \"I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?\" \"For starters,\" she said, \"the h is silent.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names... she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Best Man Speech \"My speech today will be like a mini-skirt.  Long enough to cover the essentials, butshort enough to hold your attention.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a new mitten manufacturing company formed by a U.S. senator? Bernie's Handers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig who just lost at a game of tug-of-war? Pulled pork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower... It was a cross pollination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts. Barley Legal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pirate walk the plank? His dog was back on land."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a tailor need to go on vacation? When they seem stressed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you light a match in the boy's locker room? *KABOOM!*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy? A Dick-Tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said \"Remove cap and push up bottom\" It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where Do Sheep Go For Vacation The Baahamas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the road made of body parts? They call it the Organ Trail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy. The forecaster was right. I went outside and someone stole my shoes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are a lot of scams on the internet... For a low price of $69 I can show you how to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family was so poor when I was a kid... We could only exchange glances at Christmas!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read an article on internet.... and it said that 3 of the most common hereditary diseases in the world are- diabetes, hemophilia and infertility."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Lamar Odom give Kobe Bryant a dollar? Because Lamar Odom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer? One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why where there two dudes in a ambulance Cause they were a pair-a-medics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had to smell like two things for the rest of my life, I'd pick lavender and citrus. But that's just my two scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked \" are you alright, sir ?\" Sean : \"it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19? Because he has Santa-bodies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant? Because caulk fighting is illegal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu. \"Can I ask you something?\" I said.\"Certainly,\" he replied.I said, \"Why did you just eat my food?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fowl Play Where do orphaned chickens and turkeys end up?Foster Farms"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most philosophical book? The dictionary. It provides the meaning of everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down. I couldn’t connect to the server"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What disease are anti-vax kids immune to? Adulthood. I hope this isn't taken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kangaroo hops into the bar, the bartender, says \"sorry we're closed\" The kangaroo says, \"I thought you needed a bouncer\"*Ba dum tiss*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist... After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do rabbits go after they get married? On a bunny-moon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the skunk do with all their love letter? They scent them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cargo ship that sunk while shipping food? Apparently there was a leek in the boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "February is Eczema awareness month.... I am raising money by selling scratch cards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gaming projectile was thrown by John Barrowman’s “Doctor Who” character to pass the time while he was traveling along the Congo River? The Dart of Harkness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've quit my job at the helium factory. Nobody talks to me like that!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snowman that plays piano? Meltin' John"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty... I’ll take Nunavut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mark and his friend Michelle go to a costume party. When they show up Michelle is clinging to Mark's back. Someone greets them and asks what they're supposed to be. Mark says that he's a snail. The other guy asks \"who's on your back?\" Mark replies \"Michelle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves? Completely Ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Horse Walks into a Bar A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey fellow, why the long face?”The horse, incapable of understanding the English language, shits all over the floor and leaves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which course did Hillary Clinton select when playing Mario Kart? The short circuit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.” I simply replied “copyright”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hermaphrodite asks a doctor about the best way to become pregnant. After recommending a specialist the hermaphrodite responded \"I have already tried a specialist, but they told me to go fuck myself\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt... I had to tell him it was a naan-starter..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The biology teacher asks Johnny if he can describe what a specimen is? Sure teach, a specimen is an Italian astronaut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team When they got down to the name of their team they went with \"Dyslexia untied\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a James Cagney love scene? When he lets the other guy live."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE? At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you trip an alarm? It doesn’t have any feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you annoy a Pink Floyd fan? Play their music on shuffle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When we have self-driving cars, I’m pretty sure . . . my wife will complain about its driving too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago: Why are bacteria so bad at math?Because they multiply by dividing.RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monsters are campaigning for a national holiday. They want to call it Fangs-giving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn't work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"I'll serve you, but don't start anything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Knock, knock.\" \"Who's there?\" \"Ayatollah.\" \"Ayatollah who?\" \"Ayatollah you already.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher : \"Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?\" Student : \"Brotherly love\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old daughter just said to me.. \"Dad, don't you find it inherently dishonest when people fabricate a false narrative using children to make the underlying message more humorous?\"I dunno what she talking about. Kids, eh?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex Position #189 \"The John Wilkes Booth\" (NSFW) You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.\"What do you think we should do?\" she asks.Father frowns and responds \"Well I guess spanking him is out of the question\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist? They're always searching for the tooth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Legendary composer Jim Steinman has died at the age of 73... One of his biggest hits was \"Dead Ringer for Love\" a duet by Meat Loaf and Cher. Making the video for the song took weeks, as Cher's working hours were strictly regulated due to most of her being under 18"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp? Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was tanning on the beach with my son. After a while, he looked at me and said, \"You're look like a lobster.\"\"Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?\" I asked.He said, \"No, you're just really ugly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "when i was growing up. our tv had a bunch of channels My favorite channel was \"Broil\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Carp is about to hit the fan. That's right, I'm going fishing in a helicopter!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments. YouTuba."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back. She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana? One comes from the farm, other from the pharm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why Do Accountants Make Good Lovers? They’re great with figures."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites. It's called Fake Newsies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they call an extra-large bottle of lube in Alabama? Family size"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide.... ....Well,  it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, \" It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends,  is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up. Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said \"Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish.\" Sean frowned \"For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you use a cart to golf instead of a car? Because you'll need a tee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when Bart buys an Only-fans account? It's called a Simpson"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anthony Scaramucci [removed]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father looks at his son after losing his first tooth. “Now that you’ve lost your first tooth, son, what have you learned?” “Never interrupt you again while you’re talking”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my Hindu friend whether he plans to evacuate for Hurricane Florence. He said, Na-ama-ste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are a kidnapper’s favorite shoes? White Vans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "my brain is like an overclocked cpu it runs 2000 fps for a couple seconds then melts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Best way to vaccinate the masses Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it. Everyone will have it by Saturday. Thursday if you have Prime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian... Whoops, wrong sub."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a Russian's favorite month? Soviet march."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call your grandmothers husband? Grandmotherfucker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard. My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling Just kidding, I made you smile :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors. But sometimes they come in handy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs. Now I want to break three."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of Arby's was a pirate. He was walking one day thinking of a name for his new restaurant, until he got stung by a bee and shouted \"Argh-bees!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident... This isn't the first time he got off..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way... ...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. Luckily my older brother told me about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You might be a redneck if... You keep swiping right on your Ancestry DNA matches"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One wind engine asks an other: What music do you like? The other one answers: I'm a big metal fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last big hit was the wall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia? A clitortise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man enters a crowded ER after having lost a toy up his anus. The doctors are swamped with more urgent cases but the triage nurse sends the man to an empty or and tells him that he’ll be performing his own operation. A doctor comes up to the nurse and says “how do you expect that man to know how to perform such a complex procedure?” The nurse says “Oh, I’m sure he’ll finger it out”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend who was new to the internet asked me for a link to a translator When he received it he told me 'this is the link for r/jokes'I replied 'yeah everyone there's currently translating jokes from many languages '"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just walked past a sign that read, \"This fire door is alarmed\"... So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a ghost's favourite yoghurt flavour? Boooooooberry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you? An iWitness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Posting about Covid-19 on the Internet..... Seems to have gone viral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom. IPA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dont understand why they say cancer is so hard to beat I'm already on stage 4"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Blind man walks into a shopping mall Picks up his lead dog by the leash and starts spinning over his head. Security: ah, sir, what are you doing?Blind man: nothing, why? Just looking around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I actually have to see a specialist for daily sex. I mean dyslexia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandson Edit: please go easy on this joke - my 15 year old daughter made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator? How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money Turns out she was right! Now I work as a crossing guard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says,\" Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!\"Paddy says, \"What's his name?\"Mick replies, \"Miles, from London.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media When every American knows that America is the best country in the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Jesus never play hockey? He was always more of a Lacrosse guy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible... I'm sad as a coconut.Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dyslexic zombie say? Brians"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city? He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a ghost's favourite exercise? Deadlifting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What dinosaur is a writer's best friend? Thesaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring? One is nude in dye and the other died in new."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room He said \"I'll be back in a GIPHY\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Statistician is playing darts The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, \"bullseye!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an old snowman? Water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ireland Did you hear about the Diseased Colony in Ireland that stole everyone's money?.......It was a Leper Con."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of Aircraft is into Men and Women? A Biplane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl, are you the secant of angle Z? Cuz you sure are sec(Z)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the polar bear relaxed when watching TV? Because he found a cool channel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are some good conversation starter jokes you can think of? Just some light jokes with bit of humor . Nothing too dark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down.So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures. I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?''It was bread in captivity' she replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what they say about bathrooms... That's where shit goes down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!! No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a canadian enchilada? A centimeter-alada"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry. Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time. And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you. The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbour has put up a fine mesh barrier between our properties. I think it's a fence sieve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings? Grayscale What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings?           Grayscale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Second Amendment The Second Amendment of the Constitution affords me the right to wear short sleeve shirts to work.  The right to bare arms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist. Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.Officer: What is your age?Tourist: 31 years old.Officer: Occupation?Tourist: No, just visiting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night, a thief stole the flight of stairs I need to climb to get into my 3rd floor apartment. That's messed up on so many levels!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad asked how is the letter a like a flower because a “b” comes after it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher wanted me to come up with a set of steps that we could use to save the environment... So I created an Al Gore-ithm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake? Because he was already stuffed...Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tiny fruit farmer move to Minnesota? He was Mini-apple-less!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Sorry, I was all up in your grill about cooking yesterday.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we \"be positive,\" but it's just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. Now I'm the C-I-E-I-O."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They're coming out with a Dragon Ball Z for old people. It's called Draggin' Balls Z"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the teddy bear say after blowing out the birthday candles? No thanks I’m stuffed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brain is like a government computer It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Tiger Woods has been hitting the gym lately Been crushing legs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked \"Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, \"For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary.\" *\"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing.\"*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is the first year I’m not going on vacation to Paris because of covid. Usually I don’t go because I can’t afford it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the horny rebellion only last two minutes? Because everyone came"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.They told me they were still dealing with my order."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my brother is actually my step brother Apparently everyone I played call of duty with fucked my mom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "200 IQ baby Father: “Say Daddy”Baby: “Mommy”Father: “No, say Daddy”Baby: “Mommy”Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”Baby: “Fuck you”*Mother arrives home*Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?Baby: “Fuck you”Mother: “What?! Who taught you that a... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as Quarenteens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Muslim eating a lettuce? Saladin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the physicist call everyone when they're stressed? Bc with a series connection, the voltage is divided."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit.... Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer.  He looks at it and then shakes his head.  “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the similarity between skid marks and my uncle? you can find both in my boxers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, reports say he fell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance. An ambulance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are only two instruments mentioned in the Bible Trumpets and saxophones when they mention the \"wailing of the damned\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Indian woman say to her car when she locked it up for the night? Tata"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a motorcycle courier... Man those things are heavy.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark Any darker and the police might actually do something about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They should put more wine in a bottle.... So there's enough for 2 people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside In other words, the prose and cons of jail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went out for dinner. After my meal, my waiter asked me how I found my steak. I said \"I looked for my baked potatoe and there it was.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A customer walks into a bank... ...and tells the cashier: \"Good morning. I've come to pay the final installment on the loan used to buy a baby stroller\"Cashier: \"That's wonderful. And how is the baby doing?\"Customer: \"I'm doing alright, thank you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Cinderella say while reading Biology? I hate Mitosis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Both a surgeon and a tattoo artist have to have a steady hand, With the surgeon it's the difference between life and death, with the tattoo artist it's the difference between a beautiful mermaid and a fat bitch with an fish up her ass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young bear cub was roaming the jungle . An animal he had never seen before comes strolling out of the trees. He asks \" excuse me what kind of animal are you?\" The animal replys\" well,  I am a tiger\" The bear acts suprised and says \" are you sure?       You don't look like a tiger.\" The tiger says \" Do you think I'm a lyin?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My idea of holding a summer vacation school to help kids with severe ADHD failed. Do you think it's because I called it a \"Concentration Camp?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fight with my erection this morning I beat it single handedly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst number to mention in the morning for a Brazillian? 7-2-1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is a joke about the shirt you are wearing right now. It probably went over your head, didn’t it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? \"internyet!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you beat a diabetic rapper in a rap battle Candy Bars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Santa's favourite letter of the alphabet? O, O, O!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do programmers like to hangout? The Foo Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night i opened my window and let all mosquitoes in. Then i slept outside. This is called confusing the enemy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a four letter word ending with 'K' that means intercourse? Talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks: madam, would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars? WOMAN: yeah, sure.  MAN: How about for 10 dollars?  WOMAN: 10 dollars? What kind of woman do you think I am?!  MAN: We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just negotiating the price."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've tested positive for needing a fucking vacation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter \"F\"? The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather have a heart of a lion, eye of an eagle, and.... A lifetime ban from the zoo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over. Unfortunately, she has now been released."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell if a vampire is sick? See if he's coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? \"Cool Ranch!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can't stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to catch some fog. But I mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out my underpants? My mother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cows go to the Marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back. In honor of 420."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called \"Cute\" but when I do it it's a \"heinous act\" and my dog gets taken away?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant? He wanted an off-ice job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a customer that he reminded me of my father. He says to me \"Oh wow, he must be quite a nice guy!\"I told him \"No, he's an asshole.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a piece of fresh salmon that was marinated in vanilla and now my stomach is hurting.... I think I might have salmonilla."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating is much easier since the lock down started. Zero effort."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're ever being chased by a bear or a cougar, quickly lay on the ground for 5 seconds. Have you ever heard of the 5 second rule?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc. Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker. He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover? I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When your partner tells you he/she cheated on you, I know there is a tendency to ask \"with who?\" Resist it. Instead ask \"with whom?\". Speak good English, no matter the circumstances."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Galileo Galilei Invented the Thermoscope Which is the Forerunner of the Rectal Thermometer. Galileo also created the theory of heliocentric orbits by studying near planets like Mercury. This led to the discovery of further planets like Uranus.This is a man who found two different ways to apply Mercury to Uranus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nudists must be careful around Team Rocket... ... because they're always trying to get a Pikachu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you beat Dwayne Johnson in a fight? Throw paper at him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when one president comes in and another president comes out? Barbara’s bush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters? Because then it would be .3048 Meter!Some jokes just don't translate well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help... There's no way the kid could take on all three of us"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a truckload of tires on the interstate and they all fell out It was highway rubbery!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under? Fan fiction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of 500 atoms? A Refund.*This post is brought to you by \"Todd Howard did Nothing Wrong\" gang*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Invisible Cow How can you make a cow invisible?Camooflage"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a Hispanic man that I was trying to come up with a term that would describe low resolution video He suggested “poor k”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story! A 55-year-old Walmart cashier winked at me as she handed back my change the other day. People's Sexiest Man title, here I come."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbist just  showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to a millionaire fisherman Man:  “Wow you must make a lot of money off fishing.”Fisherman: “Aye I do, last season I raked in over $500,000.”Man: “If you don’t mind me asking how much is your Networth?”Fisher: “This old net is worth around $200.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My date told me she was a baller, so I was keen when she offered me back to her house. When we got there, the place was small.I frowned. \"I thought you said you're a baller.\"\"I am,\" she replied, then she pulled down her underwear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty. They’re my last reshorts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Trump always use a golf cart when golfing? Walking the course is far too taxing on him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see son, grilling a good steak is a lot like you mom... Once it starts bleeding, it's time to flip her over to the brown side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm with the CIA, AMA! But please comb your hair first,  you look like shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is this movie about? It is about  hours long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall? Claustrophobia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event? Cantelope"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I performed an opening one night for a surgeon, really funny guy They kicked me out of the hospital and called the cops"}
{"character": "random", "line": "North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media When every American knows that America is the best country in the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A limerick about my life right now I might soon be resting in clover,At the end of my days as a rover.But I'm still not appeasedWhether I've got disease,Or just that I'm really hungover."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Avengers cast Interviewer: are you a humanAvengers endgame cast: I am not sure if I am aloud to tell you that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup. I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!” I said “Well which one are ya then?!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Environment Friendly Joke *What do you do with 365 used condoms?*    Re-cycle them into a tyre and call it a Good Year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks... I asked my cat and she said, \"Meow\". No help.I asked my bird and he said, \"Tweet\". Useless.I asked my dog and they said \"Rhytidome, you buffoon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did a customer leave the blockbuster store disappointed? They were never going to give him Up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses. The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, \"Can't you just use a sponge?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Orion's belt the worst constellation? It's a waist of space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I became a naval cook because I wanted to see the world! But so far, I’ve only seen China, Turkey and Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug His last wish was to be Frank in Stein"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically I guess we really should've taken away his license"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old friend of mine married a young girl As we’re not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had sex. “Almost every day,” he said.“Almost every day?!” I exclaimed.“Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just discovered that I can talk to cats They probably don't understand me but still"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping? Croutons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Rockstar choose to invest in a Harbour when diversifying their assets? Because their ports are always a disaster!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically. There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...Judge Jew D."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently North Korea only has 3 tv channels... Kim Jong Un, Kim Jong Deux and Kim Jong Trois"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re American if you enter the bathroom and you’re American when you leave what are you inside the bathroom? Euro-peein’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are ghosts favorite thing to read? BOOks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events. This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to sell cookware, but that didn't pan out. So I've switched to selling underwear for a brief time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy with two dicks? Ambidextrous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "scooby-doo: it’s a g-g-g-ghost! **ghost:** holy fuck a talking dog!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name? Winslow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up? Aww shucks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a friend who always speaks his mind and thinks with his gut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You scream in a Library and everyone looks at you funny. But you scream in an airplane and everyone joins in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: -\tJane ate her friend’s sandwich.-\t-\t-\tJane ate her friend’s colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do fat girls and scooters have in common? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If cats could talk They wouldn't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me I said I never met herbivore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it always crowded in a sperm bank? Because people are paid to come.Why'd you think sperm donations are really expensive, because they're handmadeBut Its hardwork tho, it takes alo of balls to do it, whatever you thing you on regular that's nutting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc. Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker. He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the common trait between men and snow? You don't know how many centimeters you'll get, neither how long will it last."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson... Apparently it's called an \"Eye disection\" not \"Eye digestion\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scotland is like Iraq A little but Sunni, but an awful lot Shiite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 40+40+SQUIRREL! 80HDMy daughter made up that joke when she was 8."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich? Traffic Jam **My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail takes for ever to cross the street and finally knocks on a guy's door The guy answers, sees the snail, picks it up and throws it far away. Two years later the snail returns, knocks again and the guy answers.  The snail says, \"Yo! What the fuck was that about?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked our security specialist, “How did the hackers get away?” Miffed, he shrugged and answered, “No idea. They ransomware.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was talking to my parents over dinner, my Mom said she was getting tired of the Bernie Sanders memes. I looked over to her and said \"Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say at the strip club? Ho! Ho! Ho!You’re all on my naughty list!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently, I discovered my fetish for self discovery. I just came to that conclusion!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I helped my uncle jack off a horse My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe So therefore your honour she was legal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe. Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep thief? Steel wool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was holding a crab when it started pinching me My mom told me to let it go. I replied “no, this is the least abusive relationship I’ve ever been in.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said she want's to try some condom's with something inside to increase her pleasure. I said \"what is that\"  she said \"other men's dick's\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I? >!Gum!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a skeleton's favourite drink? A full-bodied wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It's my special tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid Off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching a fighting scene and I told my dad “I couldn’t jump that high if my life depended on it!” And my dad replied “but what if a bowl of ice cream depended on it?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Former figure skater Michelle Kwan was caught by paparazzi, who took an unfortunate down-blouse pic. Nevertheless, it's a perfect example of both quality and Kwan titty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail He was behind bars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who do businessmen pray to? The Prophet Margin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they call an extra-large bottle of lube in Alabama? Family size"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . . He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying dinosaur that uses its hands to see? A tactiledactyl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the alien pre-emptively put perfume on before boarding the human spaceship? Because the ship had Musk written all over it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 Shades He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'- 50 Shades of Macy Gray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cat Cousins (OC) Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin?He followed lynx in his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose? 10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do crabs get around on land? They use the sidewalk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when a fisherman saw that they spent more on missing fishing equipment than they made selling fish? They realized a net loss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches. They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toy bear with boobs? A tiddy bear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I see Google Calendar is down I thought I'd never see the day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said \"I miss New york\" So I smashed his window in and stole his radio."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is success in the shaving industry so difficult? Razor thin margins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You have to be gentle with a bathroom tap Don’t faucet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clams do for their birthday? They shellibrate..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a programmer/coder do when he's tired of life? He writes byebyeworld.c"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why? They had UV protection in front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, \"Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?\" \"Jenny\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Frank is in the locker room at a gym when his buddy Howard walks in.He begins to undress when suddenly Frank notices he's wearing a girdle. \"How long you been wearing that thing?\"Frank asks.\"Ever since my wife found them in the glovebox.\"Howard smugley replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What dinosaur used boulders as toilet paper? Megasoreass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Humpty Dumpty push Ms. Humpty Dumpty off the wall? To see her crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said.  Take these drinks to table nine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The school phoned me today and said, \"Your son's has been telling lies.\" I said, \"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just tried to de-snow my car with a loyalty card I only managed to get 10% off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The most important element of public speaking? Podium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T', is hairy and oval on the outside and creamy on the inside? A coconut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says \"Fuck off you won't bring it back\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers? With relish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you called it when a Stoner, a Jedi and a Surgeon walk into a bar? Blunt Force Trauma"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my ABBA cd Where did the disco?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a huge uproar when the official theme song of the National Leukemia Foundation was announced What's wrong with \"Bad to the Bone\"?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't Peter Pan be grounded? You: Because he Neverlands.Me: No. It's because he's a fucking orphan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call walking trails behind a mental facility? Psycho-paths"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman knocked on my door. \"I need a word with you right now.\"\"OK,\" I replied, thinking to myself. Then I added: \"Got one...'sa*u*sage'.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say... ...\"This is the whey\"(Sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between jelly and jam? Jelly is made by filtering out the fruit pulp after the initial heating, whereas jam contains the small pieces of chopped up fruit.I'm tired of seeing \"I can't jelly my dick up your butt\", so I wanted to give the correct answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like it when people to change my mind about things Change my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?” I said, “That’s for tomorrow.”My wife: Huh?Me: It’s Black Fry Day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar Harvey says, \"Hey Bill, buy me a drink!\"Bill shouts back, \"I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq? A job offer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That’s right, the steaks were pretty high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife's bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "pancakes Psychiatrist: What brought you here?  Patient: My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.  Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.  Patient: Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend tried telling me shovels are useless. But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby in full plate armor? *Infantry*Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Only Fans so cheap in Alabama? Family discount."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's better than winning silver at the Paralympics? Having legs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asks his father, \"Can I have a bookmark?\". His dad starts crying, \"After 10 years you still don't know im called Brian!\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Haunted House Idea: A room full of women saying \"I'm fine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superman... Superman walks into a room with a pancake on his head...Not all heroes wear crepes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments. YouTuba."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on banging on the wall at 3:00 A.M. It's really disrupting my drumming practice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Allegedly John Adams In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match… use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Mexican man tie his wife to the train tracks? Because he wanted tequila!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fallout, why are caps used as currency? Because america is a CAPitalist country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I formed a support group for people who suffer from Agoraphobia. Unfortunately it didn't work out. Everyone wanted to have it at their place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the giraffe say to the conspiracy theorist? Nothing, giraffes aren't real."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery. It was like a huge weight off his chest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My internet connection is a lot like my grandad It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common? They both make good crops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steam isn’t a Jihadi’s favourite state of water. Ice is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus RIP uncle Jim."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry The job has its Prose and Kahns"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about perfume... ...but it doesn't make any scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a female ghost's most attractive feature? Her BOO-bies!  >!Oh come on, it's funny...!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lotion that makes your eyes wet Moist-your-eyes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two black guys are peeing off a bridge The first one looks at the other and says, “man it’s cold”.The second one replies, “yeah, and it’s deep too.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cat puns really freak meowt I am not Kitten."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you do up your zipper when you go to Ukraine? Chernobyl fall out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of music does bubble wrap not like? >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!P... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague. I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An accused criminal is brought before a judge... The judge says, \"You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?\"\"Not guilty, your honour.\"\"Bail is set at five million dollars.\" The judge slams his gavel down.\"Do you accept payment in gold?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit. People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They don't make forks like they used to. Modern plastic ware makes me miss the good old tines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do people hate their periods? It really cramps their style"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't we have any alien visitors in our solar system? I googled it and found the reason...It's rated only '1 star' out there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The vagina... The best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger. It's self lubricating. It takes any size piston and change's its own oil every four weeks. It just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed \"I am your Father\"Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay? Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hagrid: You're a unit of power, Harry Harry: I'm a watt?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times.. All that before they even left the house!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only 2010's kids will get this. Polio and shingles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm letting my child watch old Looney Tunes and Hanna-Barbera cartoons to get ready to start school. In the real world, everyone solves all their problems with a gun or a knife, too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a tornado's favorite game to play? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was swindled by a tiny man dressed in green. He was begging and I gave him money because he claimed to be afflicted by a horrible and infamous skin disease. I have since learned that claim was false.Yes, I fell victim to a classic leper con."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a South American goat-killing monster with a cold? Achoopacabra"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can a leopard change his spots? By moving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscience - it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts use to do their makeup? Vanishing cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This old guy I knew would always say, 'You know what really burns my ass?' He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, 'A fire about this high.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost an electron. Are you positive?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction So I packed up my stuff and right"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m Venezuelan, if I had a dollar for every time people ask me about the political situation in my country I would have enough money to get the hell out of here"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, why is destruction a form of creation? Dad: Well son, you see, I destroyed your mom's pussy to create your ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Legs in Japanese cartoons are cool I just love anime shins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says \"Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Farmer Travis Scott do when his crops are ready? He goes Sickle Mode"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do they call chicken the beggar's bird? Because it says \"Buck buck buck buck buck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop? Because there'd be no charge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago. Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world‘s leading supplier of bullshit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Johnny was looking out the window, straining his eyes... trying to read a billboard a half mile away.  When his friend asked him what he was doing, Johnny said, \"my mom says I can only go out and play if I have super vision\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party? Pot Roast.  Ba dum dum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why? They had UV protection in front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Noah the best businessman? He floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.The greatest journalist? Samson. He took two columns and made an impression on everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, it turns out that \"In-N-Out\" is NOT a brothel but \"Animal style\" still means the same thing; so that was nice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish. You might say a New England clam chowed her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's good thing tall people like me don't grow on trees friend: too bad shorter people could use the shade!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cowboys are stranded in the desert... One cowboy sees a tree covered in bacon in the distance. He gets all excited and runs towards the bacon tree... As he reaches the bacon tree he gets shot to death. It turns out it wasn't a bacon tree... It was a hambush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Break up My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.It Taurus apart.I'm in Pisces typing this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster. But if anything, it just made him more sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The air in my apartment was so dry that we were getting shocked every time we touched a faucet or door knob. So, was I happy that my landlord finally installed a humidifier ? I was ecstatic.(So we're my kids, when I told them they weren't going to be grounded any more.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A crab walks into a bar... The Barman says \"I can't serve you mate, you're already walking sideways\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Pancake Tuesday already... Really creped up on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot. Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman has the last word in any argument. A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] Vaxx joke to help break the ice **For those of you who are worried about the Pfizer vaccine, know that they make Viagra too!** If they can raise the dead, they can save the living!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say to the fisherman? \"No one will ever believe you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes. But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder? Diableatus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone shouts: ”Stupid Dad jokes are making the Earth an impossible place to live!” A Dad shouts back: “Maybe you just need some Space.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just had lunch at the Pelican Cafe... the food was good but the bill was enormous!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just began a sexual relationship with a blind woman. Took me ages to get her husband's voice right, but at least I know she won't be seeing other people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone recommend a good bank account? Mine's run out of money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when nitrogen meets oxygen? Do they become nitrogen monoxide? NO.Do they become nitrogen dioxide? NO2.Do they become nitrogen trioxide? NO3.They become nitrous oxide! The joke is not very funny, but the gas still makes people laugh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman has just given birth to her child. The doctor holds the newborn child at both feet, upside down, then slams it three times on the wall. The mother is shocked! The doctor consoles: «April fools! Was already dead!»"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far. This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a woman and a tiger entering a commercial center? The woman is shopping in the mall and the tiger is mauling in the shops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them. I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you define a farmer? Someone who is good in their field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? No, you should just stick with turkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, \"Where do you see yourself in five years?\" I told him, \"I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic? It takes you back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called? VAChina."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs. She said, \"Try Sarah Topps.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won! The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Denzel say to the thick wire entering his house’s circuit breakers box ? Mah main...!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a cougar's favorite kill? A stagg with a nice rack!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from the calendar factory just for taking a day off :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about perfume... ...but it doesn't make any scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a COVID denier Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Has anyone read the book, \"Cum Stains on Her Pillow\" By Mr. Completely"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Pirate Walked Into A Bar With A Ship's Wheel A pirate walked into a bar with a ship's wheel fastened to his belt buckle.  The bartender says, \"Sir, do you know you have a ship's wheel fastened to your belt buckle?\"  To which the pirate responds, \"Aye, it's driving me nuts!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the barber win the race? He took a short cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since starting the quarantine two weeks ago, I’ve been shredding all my old CVS receipts. I’m about halfway done... ...with the first one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a symphony musician hits his wife? Domestic violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, \"I'm getting really wet.\" \"Turns you on, does it? I asked. \"Turns you on, does it? I asked. \"No,\" she replied, \"you dribble a lot.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't like over confident people Edit: Thanks for the silver!Edit2: thanks for the gold!Edit3: thanks for the platinum!Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!Edit6: thanks for the ternium!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me! I answered: You won't..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about censorship? You might expect to simply see the word \\[removed\\] here, but actually most censorship is self-censorship whereby people edit their own work to pre-empt any conflict with the censors, so please DM me for the answer to this joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I do online classes like games... Blame it all on my internet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a rappers favourite toy? A yo yo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville Weed and Quack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer. “Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shredder finally defeated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. All he had to do is to throw a box of plastic straws to the sewer system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the Google team hide the dead bodies of their competitors ? The query"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing... Just don't go overboard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Earth get on Earth day ? A birthday quake !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid : \" What are condoms used for?\" Dad : \" To avoid such questions. \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is ISIS's favorite dinosaur? A terror-dactyl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground.. ..take it out, flip it over and lower again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a big fan of air conditioning Especially if the air is trying to be rebellious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest... So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. \"What's the story?\" she asked. \"Just crap in the carburator,\" the mechanic replied. \"How often do I have to do that?\" asked the blonde."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "why did the bread kick the tomato over? because he loafed him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Limerick There once was a man from Port CrownWho went to a doctor in town.The doc gave to heA sup-po-si-to-ry.\"I will not take this sitting down!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying \"CHAMELEON\".... (stand back and watch the fun.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is. I don’t get paid enough for this shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo mumma’s so fat The ocean beaches on her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a nudist beach... and I saw a man walking by wearing nothing but his glasses.And I thought, \"What does he do when his glasses get dirty?\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "OC: What does Babe Ruth and roughly 100,000 antelopes have in common? They're both ballpark figures."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man calls 911 one day and frantically asks them to bring an ambulance Man: \"My 14 year old son was entering the mine to find coal but he stubbed his toe on the entrance! Please bring an ambulance quickly!\"911: \"Sir I'm sorry but this is nothing we can do. We don't deal with such minor issues\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning? Daylight cum(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork... I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me.\"Don't go down there, Señor...\" he tells me, \"... Eet might be a Hambush.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lion would never play golf But a Tiger Wood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I'll call it... Receding airlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pirate walk the plank? His dog was back on land."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job-all I do is crush cans all day. It's soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baker say when she won an award? \"It was a piece of cake.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. \"You can't cut me down,\" the tree complains. \"I'm a talking tree!\" The man responds, \"You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know several jokes in sign language I guarantee nobody has ever heard them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the pig who lost an eye? He used to blink with both eyes. Now he oinks with one.(My 3 year old son came up with it)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Rockstar choose to invest in a Harbour when diversifying their assets? Because their ports are always a disaster!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. Operator: \"Great! Can you drive a truck?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times I’m lack toast intolerant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One farmer asks another \\- \"Are your cows smokers?\"\\- \"No, that would be ridiculous!\"\\- \"Then your barn is on fire.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel? The Knights who say Ni!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never fight a dinosaur. You'll get jurasskicked!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them? Ass skin for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what's black, white, orange and terrifying? My voters pamphlet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which country in the world has most Parks? Korea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone else tired of how long it takes the USPS to mail a package or letter this time of year? It’s part of DeJoy of Christmas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn’t paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said “I’m not happy.” I replied “Well, which one are you then?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me: \"would you sell me for a million dollars?!?\" I said \"never in a million billion years!!\"He asked \"what about 2 million\"I said \"are you kidding me?!? In this economy? Sorry little man\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Now that Lucasfilm is owned by Disney . . . Will ILM be removing the Notre Dame Cathedral from the Hunchback cartoon?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) How is Santa Claus similar to Bill Cosby? They won't come unless you're asleep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am. Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only in England. £800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.But reduced to £400 if paid early.If you catch covid at the party, the government willgive you £500 to stay at home.That's £100 profit.This country is absolutely fucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mosquitos in Africa be like It's-a me! Malario!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money. I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between a Chicago Bears fan and Marty McFly? Eventually Marty McFly stopped going back to 1985."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just finished a book about Edison and the lightbulb. It was a bit of light reading."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person that sells cow poop? An entre-manure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house. It was fu***ng delicious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 26 letters chipping in to make a big gamble? An alpha bet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math But science and math pushed back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case. Turns out it was just a sham."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don’t urinate on people in self defense You’re just going to make them more pissed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the most common kind of tree in Australia? Ash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bookstore and asks for a book on Pavlov and Schrodinger. The book keeper says it rings a bell but he doesn't know if it is there or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.He said: “Me? How?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out the news that I'm color blind I was surprised. It came completely out of the green."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:\"Man, Chester, you Knighted!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing. I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lorry full of wigs was stolen last night.... Police are combing the area."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the quadrilateral comb out her daughters hair? Because it was a wrecked tangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As two hungry goats tried eating movie film stock... ...one turned to the other and said, \"I don't know about you, but I thought the book was better.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom? linoleon Blownaparte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the Earth’s gravity increases a bit on Easter Sunday? It’s cuz there’s a lot more mass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk! So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old lady is at tea and her host asks \"Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?\" \"Oh no,\" shudders the old lady, \"I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself. But apparently he just swallows his pride."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists have finally named the 119th element! The new official name is “Astonishium”. It seems they have discovered the element of surprise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the laptop show up late to school? It had a hard drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins, my friend said. Well, I replied, they were separated at birth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog? \"It's a dog eat dog world out there.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do female ghosts sing on Halloween? Ghouls just want to have fun!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18 The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system? Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it? Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mosquito that is found funny? Malarious"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rabbit working in a hotel A bell-hop"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman and Robin after the get run over by a steam roller? Flatman and Ribbon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby? A slow poke!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy? Alexa- apple juice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece asked me what Cu.M. stands for It took me 2 minutes to understand it was Cubic Meter and not something I was thinking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord. The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found. He was hiding on a navel base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a book on anti gravity last night. I found it quite difficult to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 7yr old son told me this tonight. What do you call a snowman temper tantrum? A meltdown*edit* Thanks for the silver, its greatly appreciated"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it \"Go Fly!\"but it didnt fly.Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals. They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet? I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, \"wanna hear a joke?\" The second dog says \"sure!\" The first dog says \"knock knock.\" The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got arrested by cops for celebrating earth day and switching off all plugs Shouldn't have done it in a hospital i guess"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is pissed off at me... She told me how unhappy she is with her c-section scar and I tried to comfort her. Apparently \"honey, don't worry, your tits will cover it up\" was not the right answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did a customer leave the blockbuster store disappointed? They were never going to give him Up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the perfume maker end up in the mental hospital? Because he stopped making scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called? A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hypothetically sliced apple? A core concept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters? Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer. The truth is, it is just an asshole!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm lacking in moral fiber... As a result, I don't really give a shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought.... Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You'd think that without their shells snails would be a lot faster. But it only makes them more sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really have no idea what carbon dating is... But, I'll try anything at this point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do turtles eat? Plastic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three men came to visit Confucius They asked him:''Oh wisest of them all, is a men who shaves his butt gay?''He responded: \"Well, he who cleans his house must be expecting visitors.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stupid knight won a jousting tournament. While awarding his prize, the king had to ask, \"How does such a dumb man win a contest like this one?\"The squire answered, \"All the points just go over his head.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the name of Iran’s first 80’s cover band ? Quran Quran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me what was the difference between jam and jelly I told her I can't really jelly my dick in her mouth.Oh, so there's no real difference, she replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members. Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not very good at geography But i know the name of one city in France, which is Nice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why a surgeon never tell a joke It was a inside joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do drummers ask if they can take a break? It’s quite simple“Hey, you guys think we can work on stairway to heaven for a bit?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of jokes do turtles like? Shell-arious ones.(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why. Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three men came to visit Confucius They asked him:''Oh wisest of them all, is a men who shaves his butt gay?''He responded: \"Well, he who cleans his house must be expecting visitors.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says \"excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?” To which the baker replies “No you're right enough it's a doughnut\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lion would never play golf But a Tiger Wood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution. He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do surgeons get so rich? They always make their cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does John Cena take COVID19 seriously? Because he doesn't want to go to the ICU."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, how was the flood of Genesis stopped? God dammed it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that's comparing apples to oranges."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. \"You know, one would have been enough.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, \"For my first wish, I'd like to be rich.\" \"Okay, Rich,\" said the genie. \"What would you like for your second wish?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a match box? No, but a tin can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 shades of grey Girl 1: Hey have you read 50 shades of grey yet?Girl 2: Yes! From cover to cover!Girl 1: And the index?Girl 2: Exhausted..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you blow up a dinosaur? With Dinomite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father beats us, cheats, and whenever we touch his property, he says, “I’m going to make you pay!” I never want to play Monopoly with him again!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about the SCP foundation? [redacted]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit? A humblebee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I strongly believe women are like fine wine. They should be kept in a dark cellar and only brought out for special occasions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Geography class -Whats the capital of Germany?-Berlin teacher-Whats the capital of France?-Berlin again teacher-Whats the capital of Poland?-Still Berlin teacher-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!-We'll see about that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one lab rat say to the other? *\"I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.\"*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2019 is the first calendar year... Where the 24th was the end of May."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Half way into my neck treatment, I got into this huge argument with my chiropractor. Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n Hatch. \n Hatch who? Bless you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help... There's no way the kid could take on all three of us"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won! The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you add S to EX files... You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the MP3 file say goodbye to the WAV file? Audios."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the null column condemned by the church? Because it didn't have any values."}
{"character": "random", "line": "US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised. The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash up on shore later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are farmers always the best husbands? They always produce the best seeds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought.... Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman and his fish A fisherman caught a fish so big that he dislocated his shoulders describing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days. Britches be crazy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated Sex Ed at school Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you cross a troll bridge in Middle Earth? You use J.R.R. tokens...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises? I bet his pants fit like a glove..-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the staircase say when I climbed it? Nothing.It just staired.  (Actually kind of proud of this one, entirely original dad joke)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather is a really spiritual person He’s dead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory? The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . . He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the clock get kicked out of the library? It tocked too much."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to record a video of me playing the violin but... I didn't want to fiddle with the camera"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife crashed the car listening to Adele, She was rolling in the jeep"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Turtle that does yoga? Wakka Wakka U?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Colorblind uncle My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't like over confident people Edit: Thanks for the silver!Edit2: thanks for the gold!Edit3: thanks for the platinum!Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!Edit6: thanks for the ternium!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A scientist called the customer support of his microscope company, complaining that the light bulb was broke. Customer support responded that they will look into it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Wi-Fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.OK, I’ll have a Coke.Bartender: Three dollars. There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage. The judge threw it out because we had no case"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the turtle go to AT&T because he couldn't sprint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple, but it was just a pigment of my imagination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of chicken caught the sun? Tannedoori."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I enjoy self-deprecating humour a lot. I’m just not very good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the chemist feel about oxygen and potassium hanging out? OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really dislike the constant advertisement from the municipality that always sticks under my screen wiper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear? Thunderwear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" \"Don't call me later, call me Dad.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it’s always too soon.^(i feel bad)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So The Canadian Government Is Changing The 2 Dollar Coin Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating. Now everyone who has one will have “2 Fucking Bucks” in their pockets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are women so bad at parking? Because they are constantly told nonsense about what 20 cm\\* is like.\\* about 8 inch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the fiasco surrounding the reward for the prettiest cat butt? It was a huge cat ass trophy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when you play EDM in a forest? Tree-House"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What music to kangaroos like?? Hip hop!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that  Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three \"facts\" school taught me that turned out to be false 1. Pluto is a planet2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation.\" \"Pardon?\"\"Nothing.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician? A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods Robert Frost remarks to his wife \"We've got miles to go before we sleep\"And his wife replies \"Well maybe if we hadn't taken the road less traveled by we'd be there already\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a clam fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits one fucks between shits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend smokes a lot, i call her the Dragon Because she doesn't exist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I watched women's beach volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.But by tomorrow I should be fine.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Samurai wielding sword: now we fight to the death **Me, nervously clicking pen:** t-they better be right about this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man orders soup at a restaurant. The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:-Is there anything wrong sir?-No just taste it.-I can change it for you-I want you to taste it!-But..-Do it!-Ok, where's the spoon?-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign Language"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL: Historically, eunuchs have been really wealthy and politically powerful. It’s part of their compensation package."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only a bank ATM will charge you $3 to get your money back Then tell you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs? A Halalligator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Tribute Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talkMan: you're onBoy: how does sandpaper feel?Dog: Ruff!Boy: what's on top of a house?Dog: Roof!Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?Dog: Ruth!Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of h... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m giving up drinking, for a month. *(oops, incorrect punctuation)*I’m giving up. Drinking for a month."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband is reading Indecent Proposal review during breakfast and asks his wife: *honey would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?* Wife: *where am I going to get that kind of money*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "China may be catching up to the US economically... ...but they definitely won’t outweigh us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom  Because the 'P' is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point. She was shocked I wasn’t a period."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a singing Laptop A Dell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the longest word in the English language? \"smiles\"...The first and last letters are a mile apart"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want to know how often i say element jokes? Periodically."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back I said \"where are you going?\"He replied \"Fancy dress party\"\"What as?\" I asked\"Tortoise\" the man shouted back\"Who's she?\" I questionedTo which he responded \"That's Michelle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow... ...Tooth be trolled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My stomach is flat. The L is silent. .."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance. I said, \"Ma'am, are you sure?\"She replied, \"Yes if you don't mind.\"So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a super-power... I can stop a bullet! ... once..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind. We have really weird pets in my neighborhood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of men if this was a sign of growing equality.\"No\" the man replied. \"Landmines.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We used to have a moat around our yard that the neighbors’ donkeys would always fall into when they came onto our property. It was a real ass hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!  They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises? I bet his pants fit like a glove..-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got pulled over by a cop this morning He came to my window and said \"Do you know why I pulled you over?\"I said, \"No officer - I thought for sure you'd know.\"LPT - Don't do this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge: \"So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?\" Robot, the defendant: \"Guilty as charged\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument..... It was a booby trap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population? It’s called Chirpies. What’s most heartbreaking about it is that it’s... untweetable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know facists love 25 of the 26 letters? Not \"z\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know why six is afraid of seven, but the real question is, what did zero say to eight? Hey, nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What price did the inventor of the knock-knock joke win? The No-bell price"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Purchase these 60 bad dad jokes in the giftbox below when you shop online at The Present Finder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, \"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An inteovert elephant and an emo giraffe walks into a bar.. They couldnt fit in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security. Or to hide a blowjob from his wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up. I was displeased with his shellfish ambition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a motorcycle for my wife last week. Best. Trade. Ever!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How’d the clam cross the river? Took a taxi crab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle would eat crickets on a bet My uncle would eat crickets and night crawlers on a bet.Someone once asked him how they tasted.  His reply:Well, they’re pretty bitter.  But then, I guess I would be, too"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy orders 12 straight vodkas from the barman... \"What's goin on?\" asks the barman. The guy replies, \"Just had my first blow-job today\"\"Well done\" says the barman, \"Celebrating?\"\"Nah, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't stand cheese slices... ...but I respect the Kraft"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I turned 50 years old and I still don't need glasses... I drink straight out of the bottle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favourite instrument? If you were thinking a tromBONE you were wrong - they have no lungs! Obviously it’s a xyloBONE!(Probably a really crappy joke but I came up with it last night and thought to post it here)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with atrophy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names? People call a group of chickens a Brood.People call a group of Falcons a Cast.People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today's forecast is going to be.... Partially sunny......"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear. He said, \"Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fuel does the Fast and the Furious cast use Vin Diesel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three men came to visit Confucius They asked him:''Oh wisest of them all, is a men who shaves his butt gay?''He responded: \"Well, he who cleans his house must be expecting visitors.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If we don't proofread and correct mistakes The errorists win."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky. It became an ass ending sending ascending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At what point does a Lamb become a Sheep? When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society! Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for \"self-promotion\")"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box. I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure... ...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The mining industry wants to put out a radio advert to help with recruitment. They hire a jingle writer, and he asks them what key he should write it in. They said: \"B minor\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods Robert Frost remarks to his wife \"We've got miles to go before we sleep\"And his wife replies \"Well maybe if we hadn't taken the road less traveled by we'd be there already\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the shovel was a revolutionary invention? Some would even call it groundbreaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man saw a dog named frost. It wagged its tail as people walked by. The man went to pet it but this dog lashed out and injured his hand.\"I didn't know frost bites.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder.. ..to find exactly 32 of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Derek and Brian are having a drink together. \"You used to play football, didn't you?\" Brian asks Derek.\"Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40.\" replies Derek.\"So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?\" asks Brian.\"I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf.\" answers Derek."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech. In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of the USB flash drive died today. He was lowered into his coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease. Guy: How rare?Doc: Really rare.Guy: What’s it called?Doc: You choose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, \"Can I push your stool in ?\"She : \"Let's see how this date goes first\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My smart-ass friend just told me how to spell lotion backwards He’s such a noitol."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom accidentally put in more butter than what was called for in the recipe. It was only a marginal error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hillary says it's time to have a woman in the Oval Office. Bill says - been there, done that ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wanna know what’s not illegal in California? Wildfires."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard you lost your classical music CD. But don’t worry. I got your Bach."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You have to be gentle with a bathroom tap Don’t faucet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments Coming soon, the Saxofender."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris. \"Nationality ? \" asks the immigration officer. \"German,\" she replies. \"Occupation?\" \"No, just here for a few days.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who was the dad’s favorite comic book hero? The Pun-isher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Dj Khaled, what are your thoughts on Palestinian rocket attacks?\" \"ANOTHER ONE!!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle just said to me, “All these mass shooting are happening because kids these days are so self entitled.” I said, “Why? Because they want to keep all the bullets?”Seriously, Fuck Him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sent to Jail. After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were the most open-minded presidents in history. I was quite shocked by this, and it blew my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met. I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do flamingoes life one leg up? If they lifted both they'd fall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police just arrested the world's tongue twister champion. They say he'll be given a tough sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to bees when they get swatted by the Walking Dead? They turn into zom-bees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which type of monster is the best dancer? The Boogeyman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do ghosts buy their food? The ghostery store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most commonly played song at a strip club in Iraq? Baghdad ass up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?\" The girl leaned over and said:“Burrr… gurrr… King.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She kept saying that the Earth was flat while the elevator we were in kept going up. She was wrong on so many levels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who is both a physician who can treat you and a physician who cannot?!?!?!?!?! A pair-a-docs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In highschool, my girlfriend and I were asked to rearrange PNSEI to form a word She said Spine and went on to become a doctor.And the rest of us are reading this on reddit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A very drunk guy starts beating up a nun on the street He throws kicks, uppercuts, regular punches, even some drunk karate moves.Once he is exhausted he steps back and says \"You disappoint me, Batman\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A limerick about my life right now I might soon be resting in clover,At the end of my days as a rover.But I'm still not appeasedWhether I've got disease,Or just that I'm really hungover."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What color is the wind? Blew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donkey could take down Bruce Lee... ...because he entered the dragon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a family of Mexican-American robots? Tex Mechs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always worry when a women sees me naked for the first time.. She's going to scream and run out of the park..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself. But apparently he just swallows his pride."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Would you like the soup or salad? Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen. We are Anti-Pho"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name. And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a catholic, a Jew, a Muslim, and a black person have in common these days? None of them know how it feels to be discriminated against at a water fountain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, \"Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?\" \"Chilly\", he replies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m Venezuelan, if I had a dollar for every time people ask me about the political situation in my country I would have enough money to get the hell out of here"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, \"State your name, occupation, and the charge.\"The defendant said, \"I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery.\"The judge winced and said, \"Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So tired of all these restrictions... I'm getting so tired of all these quarantine-related restrictions.For example, I just found out today that when I'm in public the governor is requiring me to wear pants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did God yell out his window when he came up with the idea of a penis? Urethra! I've got it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my vegetables. Hopefully, they turnip soon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my mate has started dating twins! I asked him the other day \"how do you tell them apart?\"He said \"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...... And Brian's got a cock\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do butchers and men with Onlyfans accounts have in common? They both get paid to beat their meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater... It was too big a whisk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wisdom tooth came out the other day. I still love him no matter what."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favourite food? Fish and ships"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people. One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in. I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation Otherwise it's due to the lack of money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If 666 is the evil number Then 25.8069 is the root of all evil"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world. For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh? For Claus combat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible. I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many lips does a flower have? Tulips"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy? Romance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar Followed by Batman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain. She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two students were talking about their childhood. I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk.\"\"You call that clever?\" the other said. \"I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when an Irishman has a stomach ache? He’ll be Dublin over"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One for the software devs There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:1. Garbage collection2. Naming things3. Off-by-one errors"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why wouldn't the jelly come out of the jar? It was jammed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines? Because of the tally ban"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've made up my mind. I'm choosing a career path as an electrician. I just found out they get to work with dikes and strippers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together. I figured if you can't beat them, join them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do men do standing up and women do sitting down and dogs do by lifting one leg? Shake hands, of course!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? \"Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can't say I'm suprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses dress up as for Halloween? Night mares."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kathy: \"Wow, you have really gorgeous hair.\" Chandler: \"Thanks, I grow it myself.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, \"You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking.\" \"Now settle down,\" the doctor calmly told him. \"You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. **That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the secret chord that David played to please the Lord? G sus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace. **ME:** That’s beautiful.**CARL DOUGLAS:** Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.**ME:** No, you’re right, that’s better. Carl’s is better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read: Roses are red, Violets are blueI’ve got Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water... ...Jill came down with half a crown but not for fetching water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out I think they're mass-grading as someone else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100. Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real... like how she got a job right out of college."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Down at the farmers market and a man dress as a pirate was selling corn for 1$ It was a buccaneer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What pair of shoes do kidnappers love the most? White Vans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What name would you call someone with poor local area network? What name would you call someone with poor local area network? Nolan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandson asks his grandfather Grandpa, is it true, that during the WW2 you took down six German planes?Well, grandson, take down is a strong word, let’s say, not fully fueled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Sir Lancelot too tired to jump over the moat? He didn't get a good knight's leap.Wakka wakka!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "my aunt ruth died in a horrible explosion they couldn't even find any body parts to put in the casketthe funeral was ruthless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938) Where is the non stick toilet bowl?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the most popular form of photography in American high schools? Point and shoot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of plant do ghosts like to hide behind? BamBOO!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome. I swear by it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution? HDMI"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was an accountant I was an accountant from age 22 to 35, when because of office politics, I was sacked for no reason. What a waste of 15 years."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why the Reddit Dragon is yellow? It's got bananas for scales"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just lost my virginity. The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.It's like I have entered another body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Americans have a strange dialect. It's all \"sneakers\" instead of \"trainers\"...... and \"sweater\" instead of \"jumper\"...... and \"shooting range\" instead of \"high school\"..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't joke about power outages That's just dark humor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really like vaping... It's a good way to blow off steam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, \"Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!\" His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken cums in another box."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor. I told him, \"you will be mist\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t think Edward Norton play a good Frodo Baggins. But Elijah Wood*disclaimer* I tried to put this on r/dumbjokes but they’re unreasonably fickle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She kept saying that the Earth was flat while the elevator we were in kept going up. She was wrong on so many levels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a convict with a debilitating skin disease? A Leper  Con"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he *neverlands*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate? He looked like a fucking idiot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I die young, I want my girlfriend to cast my ashes headwind Because she never let me come on her face before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One night stand A guy finishes up banging a girl he just met at a bar.  He says \"If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken it a little easier.\"The woman says \"If I had known you were in such a hurry I would have taken my pantyhose off.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently saw one of those animated pornos that basically makes fictional characters have sex. This one was about a certain famous, big superhero guy in red with an 'i' on his shirt, I can't remember his name. Anyway, the film was surprisingly good and left me thinking, 'that's just fucking incredible'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got this new recipe app. I am having issues with the security. I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "German tourist visits Poland Guy at the airport: Nationality?German dude: GermanGuy at the airport: Occupation?German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an insane crocodile in Mexico? Locodrilo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the billing-clerk who went insane? He began to hear strange and threatening invoices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an ambulance \"can you describe the snake that bit you?\"Me: \"yes,  it was like an angry rope\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an ambulance's favorite game console? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tinfoil: Viserys Targaryen is a hipster. He wore a crown before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it? Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make a joke about identical frequencies and wave forms. But it really separated the room.I was expecting more coherence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Germans walk into a London pub Two Germans walk into a London pub-2 Martinis please.-Dry?-Nein! ZWEI!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me if I was together with my mother on her deathbed? I answered: Of course, who did you think held the pillow?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fast food company that also manufactures airliners? McDonald's Douglas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock. Who's there? Dja. Dja who? Knock knock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the termite say after walking into the bar? Is the bar tender here?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man holding a violin asks a stranger how to get to the concert hall. Practise, practise, practise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air? A centipede."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a group to play basketball and then discuss philosophy It's called \"shoot first, ask questions later\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A week ago my Jeep broke down and I had to scrap it Today I found out my friend got the exact same model Jeep.I'm pretty sure its a reincarnation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here's an old one. Who curses the most in Star Wars? R2-D2, everything he says is bleeped out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People keep talking about black holes I guess they have a lot of mass appeal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the police seige at the donut factory robbery? The bad guys came out with all buns glazing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss calls me \"The computer\" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Gorillas have large nostrils? Why do Gorillas have large nostrils?Fat Fingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar... Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,\"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?\" The other says,\"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I’ve got to do is talk to the door lock... ... because communication is key"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When i was your age everything was in black and white. Schools, fountains, bathrooms, everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero. I think hispanic buying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Those childhood days(real incident) I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariouslyTeacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?Voice: This is my father."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last week, I met a Genie who said he’d grant me one wish, I only had 3 choices:First was a better memory. Second was a larger penis. Third was… well I can’t remember what the third choice was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform? in the audit-orium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of... Coke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's my job to talk them down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I look forward to hearing Michelle Obama's speech again. At the 2020 RNC."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Oral-B and Queen Latifah are making a toothbrush together? It’s called clean-ya-teefah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows. Deer testicles are under a buck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're driving down the highway on a jet ski, when a wheel falls off. How many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse? Purple, cuz Ice Cream has no bones....Has anyone heard a version of this before?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the name of Daniel Craig's last movie? Probably, \"Bond Voyage.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays. He was the original trip advisor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed. They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...” I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white? It was recently spotted"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was feeling very rundown and tired when suddenly a muscular little person grabbed both of my legs and lifted me into the air with ease. I instantly felt refreshed! I guess I just needed a little pick-me-up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried? My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The convicted Australian criminal Mark \"Chopper\" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy. Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my mate has started dating twins! I asked him the other day \"how do you tell them apart?\"He said \"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...... And Brian's got a cock\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Chinese soup almost falls off a table? Wonton endangerment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy. So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet. I bet she is plotting something against me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[joke about Minecraft] Why can’t the Ender Dragon read a book? Because she always starts at the End."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I were a flower, I’d be a dandelion Because I was created for you to blow me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If giraffes could read books I bet they wouldn't be able to stop at just one. . . . what with them being two-story animals and all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Beach Boys walk into a bar \"Round?\"\"Round?\"\"Get a round\"\"I get a round?\"\"Get a round...\"\"Fuck off\" said the bababa bababarman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you ever get locked out of your house... Talk to your lock calmly.  Communication is key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it? “You are just jealous, because I can make your wife scream louder than you can”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know that stack of fast-food napkins in your glove box? Now it's their time to shine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen.... A fibbin' Nazi sequence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called? A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just driving past a dog food factory and it smelled really good. Now I want Arby’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? \"Hand eeeeeyeeeee......\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust anything balloons say? They're full of hot air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters like to party? At the g-rave-yard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a squirrel and a cigarette have in common? They’re both safe until you light them on fire and put them in your mouth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy from the damn Daniel vine was arrested for kidnapping children. You could say that he was back at it again with the white vans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist told me I'm right on the brink of having tooth decay He said the situation was precarious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to sell cookware, but that didn't pan out. So I've switched to selling underwear for a brief time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Garden shears will never be outdated. After all, it's cutting-hedge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. At least I know where I stand now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wendy’s has the Baconator and a smaller Baconator called Son of Baconator There is also a secret menu item called Stepson of Baconator where Wendy’s finds a burger and ignores it for 10 years while banging its mom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 has been brutal this year Now it's just Ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument.... But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle. But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shopping for Melons My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was \"melons\". I guess it was the honey dew list."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pouring rain, New York City. A drunk hails a cab. Cabbie rolls down the windo, the drunk man says \"hey mister, do you gave room for half a chicken and a six-pack in here\"?Annoyed, the cabbie says \"sure\"the drunk says BLUGHHHHHH"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two flies are sat on a dog poo. One of them breaks wind, and the other says…. Do you mind! I’m eating!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old friend of mine married a young girl As we’re not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had sex. “Almost every day,” he said.“Almost every day?!” I exclaimed.“Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a farmer without a tractor? fuck the joke let’s help him find it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the Earth’s gravity increases a bit on Easter Sunday? It’s cuz there’s a lot more mass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love being a butcher. It makes it easy to meat people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "which TV/movie character can use the power of the force and the power of potassium? Bananakin Skywalker!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Mortal Kombat character walks into a store.. Employee: \"Finding everything okay, sir?\"Character: \"Yes, I'm just Lui Kang.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t have a problem with most ancient gods and the like... but that Pan really gets my goat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw two movies this weekend. One was about a crazy person who fought crime in their underwear, and the other was Captain Underpants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor? Pretty Sir Eel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.Credit. The Joke Cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians. Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart” Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Santa disappointed that he got a sweater for Christmas? Because he wanted a squirter, or at least screamer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh? Meat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Amish girlfriend only likes missionary sex. I tried to get her to try other positions. But all she does is cum plain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos? Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is common between Reddit and China? They both don't like opinions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is the Alaska State Police. Where were you during the night of November 14th to February 12th?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman sees a beat-up man lying on the street He asks: ,,Were you assaulted?\",,Yeah, I was.\",,Can you tell me what the assailant looked like?\",,Yes, I told him that right before he punched me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated in a restaurant. That way, y'all can take eggs, cream, and a pie crust and quiche my ash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.” A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.”The wife replies, “Why not wear silver and come second for a change?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between men and women What's the biggest difference between men and women?What they mean when saying \"I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom..... Until they are flashing behind you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Always carry some fiber cable with you when hiking If you get lost, just bury it in the ground. A backhoe will be along shortly to cut the cable, and you can ask for directions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies? Cause *truants* don't go to school!(I came up with this right now)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked about not upgrading to Windows 10 ? \"I still love Vista, baby\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fast food company that also manufactures airliners? McDonald's Douglas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said “guess” So I said about 340, now she wants to fight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend just dumped me because of my superman comic collection. She said I have too many issues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a hyena's favorite cookie? Snickerdoodle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face? One is bugging a slug.The other is slugging a bug"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? A golden opportunity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you come across a man eating crocodile? Wipe it off, apologize, and leave him to finish his exotic meal in peace."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new disease in France turns people into bread. French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world. It's a paindemic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do ghosts search the web? They use ghoul-gle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a scarecrow drink his juice? With a straw!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: \"Does this taste funny to you?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days? They aren't weak-days."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two surgeons operating on each other? A paradox"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman was kicked out of his band. They didn’t like the way he was slappin the bass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet? Commodo dragon..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is toxic at first, but makes life a lot more fun when everyone is used to it? Oxygen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If God doesn't make mistakes... Then how the heck did I end up here?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile on drugs? You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a giraffe? A visit from the ethics board an a rescind of your grant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play The orcana"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never go to bars run by male giraffes. They only serve highballs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table? A *circonference*."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Respect for the fallen I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.It was in memory of all those who had died at the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People ask me how I feel about having never caught a heron I tell them, \"I have no egrets.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Drake doing on his birthday? An 18 year old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mark zuckerberg and i were in a band once. We gave him a choice to play the melody, the harmony, or display our newsfeed in chronological order. But no matter how much we didn't want him to, he kept insisting, \"I'll go rhythms. \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My pet pig loves soccer. Usually he plays clean but as soon as he’s in mud he’s Messi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL Giraffe penises are 40in. long Which explains their long necks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In USA being -on the lamb- means: :Running away from the Police, because they committed a crime.  In Wales it means...well, something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs. Me: You're the one with the talking dog!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "French Bottled water French bottled water always makes me Wewe !!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation. She said, “Honey, you know I never lie.  This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl asked me if I knew how to tie a noose. I told her that if she came over I could show her the ropes and then we could hang"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sent to Jail. After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a joke recorded in an old book from my great great great great grandfather in 1881 A married woman said to her husband. “You have never taken me to the cemetery.” “No dear,” replied he. “that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks through the forest with his granddaughter in late May. She spots some berries and asks what they are.„That's blueberries“, he says.„But they're red, grampa!“„That's because they're still green“"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An engineering student rides up to his fellow engineering student on a bicycle His buddy asks him \"Where did you get the bicycle?\"\"Crazy story! A beautiful blonde rode up to me in this bike, got off, stripped off all her clothes, and told me \"take what you want!\"\"\"Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyways...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur sliding down broke back mountain? A Megasaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say “when pigs fly” means impossible But how come we have swine flu?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my Dad said, \"Well have you tried euthanasia?\"In the background I could hear my Mom yell, \"For the last time Henry, it's pronounced 'Echinacea'! Echinacea'!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just caught a gorilla spying on me. I said “there is no need to pry mate”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man wanted to marry his sister, but it was illegal in his state. So they bought a house and he installed a single stair out front.Putting a step in front makes it perfectly legal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the doe say when she came out of the forest? I'll never do that for two bucks again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You might be a redneck if... You keep swiping right on your Ancestry DNA matches"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease. Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, \"I know. You've said that already.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I will never forget what my wise grandmother used to say to me \"Get out of the way, i'm trying to watch TV!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z... My friend said, \"Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!\"I said \"Yeah, this isn't even my final form!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese takeaway order is about 25 dollars. The price of gas to get there and back is about 3 dollars. Realising that you forgot one of the containers at the shop is riceless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the yellow dragon keep slipping? Banana for scale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between jelly and jam? I've never gotten stuck in a traffic jelly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To become a minstrel I had to buy dozens of chests, hoping to get a an instrument from one of them. Fuck lute boxes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team? Allllllllllll righty then!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King? You take a royal flush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One frog turns to the other and says... Time's fun when you're having flies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys are playing cards in a nursing home when a naked old lady with a walker goes streaking One guy says, “what was that?”The other guy responds, “I don’t know, but it needed ironing!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a James Cagney love scene? When he lets the other guy live."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell by someone's home if they're a highway robber? All the signs will be there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies, now this?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anagram of \"mother in law\" Woman Hitler"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors. So that it could hide in the crayon box.  Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At school one day, a bully told me I had a face only a mother could love. I went home and found out I was adopted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real... like how she got a job right out of college."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Irish man bouncing off the walls? Rick O Shea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a fisherman’s favorite type of music? Hard bass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said... \"STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just made a bran cereal with edibles in it High 'n Fibre"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. \"Is everything okay, pal?\" the bartender asks. \"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, \"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?\"\"Yeah. But today is the last day...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get two flutes to play in tune? Shoot one of them. How do you get two violins to play in tune? Shoot both of them. How do you get two altos to sing in tune? It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Centuries later, key US government buildings still accurately represent the people inside them They're mostly old and white."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, the sky is pink This water tastes funnyNice to meet you I live in flint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends They thought it was well done.I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert. An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just finished a book about Edison and the lightbulb. It was a bit of light reading."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of motorcycle has the best sense of humor? Yamahahaha"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian? Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom. So I switched them out for red bull."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife always talks like an empty tip jar Such non cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock Who's there?AshAsh who?Bless you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.\"Name ?\", said Jesus.\"Joseph.\"\"Occupation?\"\"Carpenter.\"Jesus become excited. \"Did you have a son?\"\"Yes.\"\"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?\"\"Yes!\"... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shark say when it found food after months of hunting? Thank cod"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard? A lawn mewer.(I wrote this yesterday)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Egyptian doctor? Cairo-practor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently... ...I couldn't tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new discovery is made pertaining to the ethnicity of Ancient Egyptian Kings Archaeologists have discovered that the kings of Ancient Egypt were in fact black. Upon unwrapping the gold sarcophagus they found the body of a dark chocolate skinned man. The legendary Pharaoh Rocher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad? When it’s a snowman’s nose!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A broken drum is the best gift for Christmas You just can't beat it.  On the other hand, a wife would be the worst gift because you definitely can..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How To Climb A Ladder: The Complete Guide Step 1: Step 1Step 2: Step 2Step 3: Step 3Step 4: Step 4Step 5: Step 5"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever hear about the million-dollar plan to convert the top floor of The Shard into a restaurant? Man, the steaks were high on that one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate loan sharks. Much better to just buy them outright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between humans and a bullet? Humans miss John Lennon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius. My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never argue with a fictional character Their minds are completely made up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the redneck want to become a paleontologist? He heard they deal with relative dating!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner. However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sand Castle with Grandma Today, I made sand castles with my grandma, but for some reason, everybody freaked out and called the cops on me.Next time, I'll do it away from the cremation center."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people. After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which side of a leopard has more spots? The outside"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to open a perfume store... I'd call it: \"Common Scents.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Chick-fil-a have a double chicken sandwich? 2 chicks together isn't really their thing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dairy Queen should have had a Harry Potter promotion. You're a blizzard Dairy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was. Turns out the guy's a cereal offender."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map That was just downright rude!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother in law bought a talking parrot, but returned it a week later. \"This parrot hasn't spoke a single word.\" She complained.\"I haven't had a fucking chance to!\" Replied the parrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing. Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, \"Bach, Bach, Bach...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A: Why are peppers the best at archery? B: Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was a lovely wedding, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Down the rabbit hole I went down the rabbit hole to find myself.Then I went up the rabbit hole to find myself arrested and banned from the petting zoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between Russia and reality? Trump had connections with Russia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of sexual innuendos just passed away His wife is taking it really hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week.... Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casketThey put the left leg in....And then the trouble started"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative. I told him I was positive.  He told me to stay home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried really hard to enjoy my job at a shoe factory. But I just didn't fit in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The finals of any sport World Cup is like cows on an airplane. The steaks have never been higher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl For instance ;My name Address and phone number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store. You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My waiter asked me how I like my steak So I told him i like my steak like me winning a argument with my wife.So the waiter said rare it is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about biology but you have to dissect it well to understand it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What, is a librarians favorite thing to grill during the summer? A shhhhh-kabob"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It looks like Sean \"Spicy\" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony \"Scary\" Scaramucci I wonder who the next replacement will be \"Sporty\", \"Baby\", \"Ginger\" or \"Posh\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the one eyed headmaster close down his school.... Because he only had one pupil"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a mass murderer's favorite article of clothing? Casual T's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is the first time I can't go on vacation around the world because of the pandemic. Usually it's because I just can't afford it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Redditor who only posts to r/Jokes on their cake day? An original content creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'? The Price of wood is so damn high....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate. That way you can keep your hands warm when you're pushing it home in the winter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade ?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two types of people. Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are you on the Mediterranean Diet? Because I see a lot turkey and grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "First upvotes were enough, then gold and platinum. Now it’s awards. After we build up a tolerance, I can’t wait to try what Reddit scientists are cooking up as the next praise drug."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad was washing his car with his son. After a while, the son finally asked \"Can't you just use the sponge?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dr: \"I have some good news and some bad news Spiderman. The good news is that the constant tingling sensation isn't your Spidey sense warning you of some huge, impending calamity!\" \"What's the bad news Doc?\"\"Well son, what do you know about genital herpes?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower. \"Gold Medal All Purpose\" apparently wasn't the answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard about a new genre of book that gives tips on how to please a woman. However, I couldn't find the cliterature."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zoo where all the giraffes have colds? Giraffe Sick Park"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells ‟Do  not do it! You’ve so much potential!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't stand cheese slices... ...but I respect the Kraft"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a goat that works at a bakery? A battering ram"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tired dragon make for dinner? Flamin yawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the woman who got shot at the protest at the Capitol building? She flew to DC in Delta and came back in Spirit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a woman thru hiker like a hockey player? They both go three periods before taking a shower.\\-- I was told this joke by a woman thru hiker while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a \"Fresh Baked Bread\" scented candle I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt... I had to tell him it was a naan-starter..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad helped me fix my computer today He told me the error code was “One D Ten T”. I didn’t understand what he meant until he told me to write it out. Still don’t get it tho."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a new word. Plagiarism.--- EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history... Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience? A reddit mod.(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife. She said, \"I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!\"I said, \"That's the point.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you keep following your dreams... They’re going to file a restraining order."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? It\"s called Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment... his secret service code name is officially \"Agent Orange\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists... Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, No, just leave it in the carton!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? \"Hey there bud!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the termite say after walking into the bar? Is the bar tender here?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of deaf people? I don't know. But it is definitely not heard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently started a literature group for inmates It's got it's prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people pet baby goats You’re literally touching kids, perverts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena gets knocked out during a wrestling match 3 hours later he wakes up in a hospitalJohn: (slowly) Where am I?Nurse: I. C. UJohn: No you can't!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lock down isn't so bad if all the stores close. My dad will finally have to come back from getting cigarettes, he has been gone since 1983."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the colors green, pink, and yellow have in common? The phone rings green....green.....green! So you pink it up and say yellow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear? Frowndation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 has a new calendar out JanuaryFebruaryLockdownDecember"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the forest floor covered in leaf litter? Because nature abhors a vacuum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the dog survive a flood? Because it was a good buoy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language is universal to strippers? Pole-ish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drinking in IT terms 1 shot= Demo  2 shots= Trial version  5 shots= Personal edition  Half a bottle= Professional Edition  Full bottle= Network Edition  Two bottles= Small Business Edition  Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition  Whole case= C... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The robber waved a gun and warned the bank teller: \"Fill up this bag with cash or else you're geography!\" \"You mean history?\" \"Don't change the subject!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman decided to become a playwriter His first play had strong lines and good casting. It was a reel hit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?” The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?”  “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid. I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: \"No one expects te spanish inn physician. \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I asked my daughter for a phone book... She said \"you're such a boomer\" and handed me her phone.  So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blacksmith get fired.... He smelt like shit, and made a forgery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cucumber cross the street? Because it was green."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called? Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the maths. I am immortal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 is the most popular year on the internet. It went viral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siamese cats are a great choice for a cat lover on a budget. You get two for the price of one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You usually don't get British Breakfast in Thailand.. but you will ocassionaly find two eggs and a sausage in places, where you were not even hoping for it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his zipper... He sets up at the bar and orders a drink. The bar tender says, \"whooaa whoaaa, before I serve you a drink, whats up with the steering wheel coming out of your zipper?\" The pirate just says, \"yaarrg its drivin' me nuts\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do sport fans eat from? a SOUPer bowl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain. She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grrrrrainnnnnssss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships...? So they can see the old Iran navy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT for people like me who couldn't breath with a face mask on ....Take it out of the plastic bag first. I haven't felt like I was suffocating since I learned this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superman lost all of his money on a digital currency scheme It was his cryptonite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My blow up doll is ugly as sin But she always manages to take my breath away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to join a health club today and saw a sign on its door that said ‘Look better in 10 days or your money back.’ I then wrote out a check and handed it over to the girl at the front desk. The girl looked at me and said, “Keep it. We’re gonna mail it back to you anyways.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature. Last heard, he's 0K now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking of making puns about grain... But most people can *barley* stand it.Yes, I know. That was pretty *corny*. You're probably thinking, \"*Rye* did you do this?\" I'm probably going too *farro* with this. I'm sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error. And now we have a virus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to let a squirrel go down from a tree? Show him your nuts!(Idk if this is known, my brother told me about this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back? Because there's a squirrel in the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a chimney joke? Got stacks of em! First one's on the house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault? he was a tenure sax"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time is like a mountain It is very difficult to budget"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer's name is Bob Marley. Because it's always jammin'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"What's your name, son?\" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, \"D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.\" \"Do you have a stutter?\" the principal asked. The student answered, \"No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pancakes always score a bunch of runs in baseball? They have the best batter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the onion get flustered? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you enlarge a centipede to 100x its normal size? A dollarpede."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I got 1$ for every geography test I failed I could finally understand that I live in Europe, where these are worthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering.... .....but the illegal part would be the gathering."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did aunt jemima say when she ran out of pancakes? Oh how waffle!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an instigated collection of instruments? An inclination of 1080p music"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good I don’t see any problems now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think Pfizer got their drugs mixed up... I got the Covid vaccine, but now when I cough I get an erectipn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had plans to go to the beach today, but the skies are cloudy and it is raining It's really irrigating..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rene De Carte Walks into A Bar Rene Descarte walks into a bar.The bartender asked if he wanted a drink.Descarte responded with “I think not”Descarte  disappearsEdited: fixed name"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was She said ''Fuck you''so i'm pretty excited for 2022"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind...it's tearable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a question mark and an exclamation mark love each other very much? They [interrobang!](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrobang)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to you piss off a writer? The list off ways is to long too fit hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug. I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Ravioli's favourite party game? Pasta parcel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stomach was sad... because everything it tried to make turned out to be shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's does Drum and Bass have in common with my crying son? 160 beats per minute"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Survival tip! When ever my son goes snowboarding, I make him stuff hotbdogs in his pockets...So the rescue dogs will find him first!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the \"ca-hoots\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Why was the slab of marble upset?\" \"He was tired of everyone mistaking him for granite.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather inspired me to be a writer He died choking on a peanut butter sandwich. I will never forget his last words: \"Happy pen... happy pen...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. Operator: \"Great! Can you drive a truck?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW?] A kid rabbit came back from school looking very happy. Father Rabbit: Why does Junior look so happy today?Mother Rabbit: Because they taught the students how to multiply."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment. The conversation got rocky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some pantyhose but they kept telling me climate change wasn't real I should have checked the Denier rating"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ruth just dumped me. Told me I was too uptight. Well, now I'm Ruthless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rapper with flatulence? 50 scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a marking on the road that said \"Taxi Rank\" and a driver pulled into it. After assessing the car, I tapped on the window and he wound it down.I said, \"Hello, pal. I'd give your taxi a 7/10.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did you learn to make ice cream? Sunday school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do Knights communicate ? Chain mail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas? It's super ape peeling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. \"ROAR!\" he yelled. \"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked.\"T Rex!\"Then he said, \"HONK!\"\"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked with a chuckle.\"Triceratops,\" he said.\"Why does a Triceratops honk?\"And he said, \"Because it has horns!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives..... Yul never wore cologne!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two surgeons are in an operating room... One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”The second surgeon replies “suture self”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the average internal body temperature of a Tauntaun Luke Warm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I caught my son chewing an electric wire. He is grounded now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's big, pink and hard first thing in the morning, and sometimes I get my wife to help me with it. Anybody else like the *Financial Times* crossword?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've had some pain in my stomach ever since I ate those Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys CDs. I think I've got indiegestion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You ever notice that all Dillards are basically the same and only exist in malls? You know what they say though... ...when you've seen one Dillards, you've seen a mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two kittens are sitting at the edge of a slide. Which falls first? The one with the lower mu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the old days, when you illegally downloaded music it would transfer everything but the drum tracks, so you’d have to duplicate those on your own. That’s why they say you can’t steal music without repercussion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder.. ..to find exactly 32 of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Despite CDC guidelines, there's no reason to worry about people not covering their noses with their masks. They're mouth-breathers anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state gives you the smallest beverages? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call malware on a Kindle? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 3-year-old son said, \"Put my shoes on.\" I told him, \"I think my feet are too big.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m getting really good at beating computers Captcha thinks I’m not even human"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath? One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say when a gorilla rips you off? Ask for your silverback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self analysis If you don't know what that is then you need to take a hard, long look at yourself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m glad # is not called pound anymore. Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Would you be interested in contributing to our Sperm Foundation Fund?\" No thanks, I gave at the office."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work. Nobody got higher than me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What part of a flower is the brightest? The light bulb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Juliet maintain constant temperature? Romeostasis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid I used to think I was The Messiah. Every time my dad said something, it started with \"Jesus Christ!\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet? because they dont have mosquiTOES."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the police catch the murder of the geometry teacher? They investigated it from all angles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was younger, I used to go to the store with a dollar, and come out with a pop, a bag of chips and a pack of gums... Now, they have cameras."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, \"Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?\" He confided in me... \"Because they make the toys.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died? Because his life had no porpoise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd like to get the rights to show Miami Vice backwards I'd call it Miami Vice Versa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your nose be  inches long? Because then it'd be a foot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today at the butchers I fell into a pile of animal guts. It was offal!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the horny rebellion only last two minutes? Because everyone came"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a novel around Romania with me but it got tired. So I gave the Bucharest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the paramedics know Paul Walker had clean hair? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here's a tip! If your phone autocorrects \"fuck\" to \"duck\", don't bother correcting it... It's still fowl language."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should we be lenient on drug abusers with lisps? All they did was meth up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A childhood classic my dad used to tell me: Q. Why was a frog flying?A. Because he ate a helium baloon.Q. Then why was a snake flying?A. Because it ate the flying frog.Q. Then why was the eagle flying?A. Because it has wings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What position did Jesus play on his baseball team? Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I do crown molding I can never get the corners to match up quite right I guess I have coping issues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon... One leans to the other and says \"Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?\"The other blond says \"Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Flint MI? Pb and j"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago? K, 9."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history? He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Jumper Cable Walks Into a Bar The Bartender say, \"I'll serve you, but don't start anything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, doctor, I can't stop wearing transparent underpants. Well, I can clearly see your nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniel's? Jack is still killing Indians."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal? Grilled Chee-heese"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.\"What do you think we should do?\" she asks.Father frowns and responds \"Well I guess spanking him is out of the question\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We always called our teacher Turtle Because he Tortoise (Taught us).Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets. Judge: Repeat infractions?Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's one thing you need to watch out for during a Jewish hurricane? The flying de-bris"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: \"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son.\" The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: \"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Almost no one knows what the initials T and S stand for in T.S. Eliot’s name. It’s Top Secret."}
{"character": "random", "line": "AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich? Oops wrong sub"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mythical milkshake? Legendairy(credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rich people have... Rich people have colon cleansesPoor people have taco bell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man gets himself a date and decides to surprise the girl with some flowers. He walks into a flower shop and the florist asks \"Hey, what are you looking for, specifically?\"The man says \"To have sex\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really dislike the constant advertisement from the municipality that always sticks under my screen wiper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can't put into words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a mummy's favorite food? Wraps."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you spell the words \"Absolutely Nothing\" backwards, you get \"Gnihton Yletulosba,\" which ironically means...Absolutely nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yankee candle, known for its fragranced candle line of products has revealed it is making an odourless candle for the first time ever It makes no scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist? He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All music classes were banned at my school... They said the classes encouraged too much sax and violins..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy I wanted to date demanded I disclose my bust size first He said he only deals with known quantitties."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, \"I really want children. Let's make some babies.\" Betty Goat responds, \"Hell no. No baby goats for me...\" \"I'm not kidding.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother until my mom took the urn from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you have brain cancer? Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn. I said, “just dew it.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All music classes were banned at my school... They said the classes encouraged too much sax and violins..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!” In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure an idea? In ideograms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wife calls her husband. \"The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink.\"\"Oh no. You think he's still angry at me from the last time?\"\"What happened last time?\"\"He said he's here to replace the toilet. So I pissed on him\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid Off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog? Somebody told him to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad? Because he loved the ranch"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tired dragon make for dinner? Flamin yawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating? Stem cell research."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business? He was a self made naan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the Clam make new friends? It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Great dynasties of history Egypt: AyyubidSouth Africa: ZuluChina: MingGreece: HelenaItaly: Medici U.S.: Duck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Internet Explorer is so slow in catching up that... Microsoft Edge had to go back in time to tell Internet Explorer that it has been replaced"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An award given unexpectedly to only Knighted Men: The sir prize.Please feel free to improve this one >\\_<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marie Kondo says to donate anything that doesn't spark joy, but The Salvation Army says that amounts to human trafficking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son was upset that I gave all his toys to the orphanage. I just didn't want him to get bored over there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Peppa Pig's favourite food? Her favourite food is Peppa-roni"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the chances of finding a kitten among a litter of puppies? The PUSSYbility"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, \"Name?\"\"Hans Muller\" replies the German.\"Occupation?\"\"No, just visiting this time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money? Pennywise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a proud American! I bleed red white and blue because I can’t afford to go to the hospital and find out what the hell is wrong with me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision.\" \"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's my job to talk them down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space Because there is no atmosphere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a chick magnet The repelling type"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures \"the lowest ever recorded\" this summer. So he switched the US to Celsius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably The good players just won't come forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they... ...show me the moon, eh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals? Because they never finish their sentences."}
{"character": "random", "line": "to prevent theft, the declaration of independence is now locked in a nicolas cage"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided not to keep the skunk I bought and returned it to the vendor because... it didn't make scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what the internal temperature of a tauntaun is? Luke warmSeemed appropriate with all the Hoth stuff floating around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the Kardashians swim at the beach? Because plastic is bad for the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'd just let it go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store. I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man this book on natural selection is really fascinating me I wonder if there are any other books about the Darwin awards"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina? Realizing you only put 10 in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde is sitting next to a brunette on a plane. She turns to the dark haired woman and asks, \"Where are you from?\" The brunette haughtily replies, \"I'm from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition.\"The blonde pauses for a second and then asks, \"Where are you from, bitch?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The girl I like really loves orange soda. Sadly, she's way out of my league. Is this a Crush, or just a Fanta-sy?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make? Crap"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar... Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,\"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?\" The other says,\"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last big hit was the wall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house? My wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a communist sniper? A marxman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the clam that could play violin? It had excellent mussel memory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter Isn't that nuts?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court,\" he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl are you a Magic The Gathering card? Cause i’d tap you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who cosplays as Jesus? A cross-dresser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw.... He said, \"I'm not sure, it all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of instrument does an English man play? The UK-Lele"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer has started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille. It’s giving me Goosebumps"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward? What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?Ag I tat Ed. I'm veeeerrrryyyyy agitated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t like people who take drugs… For example, airport security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to have my ashes mixed with cocaine That way, I’ll go out on a high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People gathered in masses To buy paper for their asses."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming.. I told him to make up his mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece’s joke... First she told us the old, “why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he was feeling crumby”Being encouraged by the pity laugh from everyone, she made up this little gem:Why did the unicorn go to the hospital? Because he was feeling horny!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells? A trans-hex-ual."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces And are now fed-up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zoom meetings are basically seances with the living... Brian, are you there? Make a sound if you can hear us. Is anyone with you? Can you hear us?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled \"I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife.\"A voice from the back of the room called out \"you need more ammo!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a ghost of Christmas past never get? A present."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was bitten by a Great White while vacationing in Florida. I think he used the term \"Superior Aryan,\" but either way, that was one coked-out skinhead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden? An artificial Swedener"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know potato jokes have been made I’m just here to rehash them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who runs in front of a car gets tired, a man who runs behind a car gets exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandson Talking to His Grandfather: \"Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?\"Grandpa: \"I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week? The news has dubbed him \"Billy the Kid.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle I rode on, ruthlessly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Bilbo Baggins always smoke pipeweed after every meal? IDK, force of hobbit I guess"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach. So, the next day at the beach,  I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me! The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger... ...then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher to student: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar, how many dollars would you have? Student: One dollar.Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.Student: You don't know my father.(Credit: The Three Stooges)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ancient Roman weatherman say when his emperor asked for a forecast? \"Hail, Caesar\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the giraffe leave her boyfriend? He was a Cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a coin is fresh? You can still smell the mint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does The Backstreet Boys make a bad cardiac specialist? Because they'll tell you it's nothing but a heartache"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the holiest chord to play? The G sus although most priests prefer A minor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many blood hungry vampires does it take to dress a wound? The answer's irrelevant as they all suck at it anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street - then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty. “What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.      “Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a £1 coin? When he went to pick it up, it hit him on the back of his head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of Spanish sporting event would Jesus hang out at? La Crosse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "...well darn I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blacksmith say to the knight when he delivered the knight’s new armor? You’ve got mail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England. We call him Sir Gen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: \"i'm terrified of those big empty spaces people yell into.\" Therapist: \"A void.\"Me: \"Good advice, thank you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about that time Einstein panicked while hosting an awards show? He equals emcee scared."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke from my 10 year old niece. What do you call a sleeping T-Rex A dinosnore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are working conditions at the Tyre shop so poor? Because the squeaky wheel gets replaced"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young boy asked his dad “why does Santa only visit once a year?” The dad replied “because he’s in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the police catch the murder of the geometry teacher? They investigated it from all angles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a volunteer, I taught a seminar on how to write persuasive speeches at my local prison.  I titled the course: \"Prose and Cons\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever wondered why bees hum? It's because they don't know the words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got caught trying to steal a hairpiece. There was a price toupee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I fart, I let people know that that's my thoughts on the matter. I'm just giving them my two scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The sky had a rainbow color to it today. I guess the sun's coming out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did y'all hear about the accident during the Kowloon Percussion Festival? There was a tamtam ensemble that was playing a piece, and one of the instruments fell off its stand and rolled into the crowd, injuring a few people.Headlines were \"Hong Kong Gong Song Gone Wrong\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby Owl that was caught in the rain? A moist-owlette"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments. Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends. I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Wi-Fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.OK, I’ll have a Coke.Bartender: Three dollars. There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea for jealous people to date an archaeologist? Because they are always *dating* other people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found an old violin and a painting in the attic. The antique dealer said, \"The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "While I was walking down the street I saw someone pushing a shopping trolley The shopping trolley was fully of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbits feet. I asked them what they were doing. They told me they were pushing their luck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once went out with a girl who had really bad eczema on her chest... She had a cracking pair of tits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little boy runs to his mother yelling \"Mommy, dad hung himself in the bathroom!\" Panicked mom runs to the bathroom only to see it's empty. \"Haha Aprli Fools!\" laughs the boy \"He hung himself in the basement.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight... “Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do gongs make people think of China? Because they're a national cymbal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA. Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War? Trump dodged the Vietnam War."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pair of nuts on the wall? Walnuts!I’ll see myself out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the clam that could play violin? It had excellent mussel memory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trumps so good at making jobs He even opened some up in Iran!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad They had great chemistry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my birthday, my brother made me pancakes! I told him to stop flattening my fucking birthday cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 10 cucumbers in line? Queuecumbers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[Possible OC] What's the worst thing to write in Braille? Caution hot surface"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a box of viagra pills? An expansion pack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase \"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine\" It was former US President Abraham Lincoln."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ireland Did you hear about the Diseased Colony in Ireland that stole everyone's money?.......It was a Leper Con."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Christmas I was just minding my own business when I was visited by a few ghosts. The plot Dickens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the local farmer? Who was feeding his pigs marmite?  They gave birth to twiglets 🤌"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guys please stop making jokes about Helen Keller. They’re just plain senseless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m tired of people calling me a rapper. It’s simply not true! I always ask for my lovers’ consent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Rupert the Bear wear chequered trousers ? Because he has shite fashion sense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you remember which direction the sun rises in? Eventually, it'll dawn on you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the burglar so sensitive? He takes things personally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can't stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer keeps playing random music I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl added me and sent me a picture of herself She looked so much like someone who would judge me based of my appearance so i blocked her.Cut toxic people out of your life because you deserve better (:"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack? Because it's assault."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Iowa has produced a new Tennis sensation Anna Cornacoba"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?” Dude 2: \"brochure\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do spies have sex? Under-covers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a waiter at an internet cafe gets your order wrong? 500 Internal Server Error"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a kid I was told that, \"Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.\" Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, \"..help control the pet population.\"I was raised to listen to my elders..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today” “It’s coal man”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I played the drums once, but I swore never to do it again. I didn't want to deal with repercussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to go to the doctors' yesterday, because every time I 69 the wife I get a terrible headache after a couple of minutes. He suggested we do it lying down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli(I'm sorry I'll leave now...)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snowman dressed up as a cop? Just-ice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's common between a sperm bank and a coffee shop? you can get a Cup o' Joe at both places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle got addicted to deli meat But I heard he quit cold turkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what are cows knees called? burger joints"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who'd want to be Trump's security guard ? \\- you shout \"Donald, Duck\" & everybody would just laugh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, do you know why it's so dark out? No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You have to love female accountants... They consider double entry the standard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they... ...show me the moon, eh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All conspiracy theories were proved wrong. Trump will manage to stay in power by... ... dragging the vote count until 2024!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Release the vaccine in vape form. I promise you no one will ask what’s in it at that point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They started a poetry contest at my local prison But I don't know how I feel about that There are prose and cons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guess how i escaped Iraq.. IranSYRIASLY"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every date I’ve ever had has been like my WiFi signal. No Connection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just driving past a dog food factory and it smelled really good. Now I want Arby’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat? They’re always Russian or Dragging"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the dinosaur have their Bar Mitzvah? Jewrassic Park"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1. It didn’t fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr Richard's kid was a drug dealer. So, he kick him out. Finally, he got rid of his Adickson"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking about taking a vacation in Australia. I hear it's pretty lit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wandering through the cemetery earlier today when I saw a guy kneeling behind a gravestone Trying to be polite, I said “Morning.”To which he replied “Nope just taking a shit.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants”... “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, they’re just talking bollocks”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the man fired from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "New discovery. Scientists have recently discovered a new potato variety resembling a human penis.They are calling it dictator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pepsico have teamed up with a leading pharmaceutical company to created a viagra infused soft drink. I cannot wait to pour myself a stiff one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating? Stem cell research."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a reptile with magic powers? A wizard........I’ll leave now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the argumentative frog say? Rebut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles? At the Bustacean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift. He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned over and whispered, \"They're right behind you. . .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing. I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy was running around trying to determine the source of physicians' flatulence He was only following doctors odors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch's motorcycle make? BROOM, BROOOOOM!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a cactus and a pig? A porky pine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flat earther vampire A no-sphere-atu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "While I was walking down the street I saw someone pushing a shopping trolley The shopping trolley was fully of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbits feet. I asked them what they were doing. They told me they were pushing their luck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons make good accountants? The economies of scale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places. For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw a squirrel pooping. That shit was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hugh Laurie just got his American citizenship! He now goes by \"Hugh Truck\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently Boy George has... ... a pet lizard that bites people up to 5 times a day.He needs a calmer chameleon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend once had a job circumcising elephants Well according to him the pay was lousy but at least the tips were huge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are mummys scared of vacation? They're afraid to unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: \"Class, I am going to test you on tenses today.\" She point to John and says \"John, if I say 'I am beautiful', what tense is it?\" John stands up, gives the teacher a perplexed look and after thinking nice and hard says \"Well, it obviously is past tense.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was cast in a movie about famous composers? \"I'll be Bach.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to grow a pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a sex-ed class, the teacher asked me,\"What was missing in your first sexual experience?\" Apparently, my answer \"Consent\" was wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code... ...they'd even know my birth year!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a calendar's favorite treat? Dates!(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when an exclamation mark is having sex? Exclamating"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A customer of mine asked how much I’m charging to say this. I said “Nothing. I believe in free speech.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man tells his date A man tells his date “ I work with animals”And she said “ I love a man who that cares about animals, where do you work?”And with a grin on his face the man said “I’m a butcher.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument? They had a fallout."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... \"I'm scared\" said the little girl.\"You're scared?!\" Said the man. \"At least you don't have to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch? Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son was watching me read “War and Peace”, and asked me, “Why is the book so thick?” I said, “Well, ..it’s a long story.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized... It is open sauce"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've always had a deep connection with mirrors I see a lot of myself in them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man asks the waiter : \"Do you serve crabs here?\" \"Take a seat. We serve everybody.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said... “Yes we are, son.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the CSI team get called to the set of the Purple Rain video shoot. They needed to dust for Prince."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity... It's impossible to put down"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Putin on a trip. Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:Agent: age?Putin: 66Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income. He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a little girl walk into my store today wearing a shirt that said FINISHER 2019... I said sweetie, that's a basic achievement, FINISHER 2020 is the real achievement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men in a park. A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park. Creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers \"do you have any naked photos of your wife?\" The man angrily says \"certainly not\". Creepy guy says \"would you like to buy some?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a worsening drug problem where I live. The drugs are getting worse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said to me \"I bet you can't go one day without making a joke about my period\" \"You're on\" I said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mansplain\" is a terrible word to use because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sheep like to do in the summer? Have a baa-baa-cue!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just saw a guy wearing a shirt that says “Truth + God = Life”... Thank god I’m good at math, Truth = Life - God"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put in your interstellar trail mix? Astro-nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I live under a 4 million dollar roof. Bridges sure are expensive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on? I don't think they'll fit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the oyster share her pearl? She was shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian To show up at my funeral in black suits and say  \"thank you boss\", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a calendar's favorite treat? Dates!(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like jokes, I like air conditioners, but jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend messaged me to say she’s breaking up with me because I’m too childish. So I marched over to her house, rang her door bell and ran away That’ll teach her"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's another word for a mattress? A loaf of bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did two tall people get along so well? The could really see eye to eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I'm afraid of random letters Therapist: you are?Me: \"screams\"Therapist: Oh I seeMe: \"continues to scream\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to high school with a kid names Stains The class wouldn’t stop laughing when the teacher said “Come Stains, in my office”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail. He’s a psychopath on a cycle path."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a drug dealing cow? A narcow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Blind Professional Fisherman, Is Given the Honerary Title of \"Master Baiter\" *He replies* : \" It's easy. You just grab your worm, wrap it tight. Cast your pole, and just pray that you inevitably smell something fishy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!! No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork. The poor man dyed a loan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rank do you give an incompetent policeman? Defective Inspector."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with frosted tips and dandruff? Frosted flakesI'm sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present. She said she hoped I kept the receipt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the waves on a small beach? Microwaves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to connect my Raspberry Pi to my printer.... But the printer always jams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a squirrel’s favorite channel? Nutflix. From my six year old who read it at the doctor office today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call walk-in closet in Spanish? Armario de Joaquín"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A software tester walks into a bar Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: Hello, can someone help me? My house is burning down! Mrs. Doubtfire: Sorry Sir, I don’t believe you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Kneel before me!\" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, \"You there, why do you not kneel!?\" The peasant responds, \"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream. One yells to the other, 'How do you get to the other side?'  The other blonde replies, 'You are on the other side!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried experimenting on roots Trying to grow strong plants to survive in harsh environments. I gave one water, and the other steroids.A root didn't stand a chance against b root strength"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day... When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol. And I thought \"6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crustHerpilations 4:20"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We never make mistakes. There was an incident a few years ago where I was sure I had made a mistake, but it turned out I was wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A salesman knocks on a door... A teenage boy answers the door wearing heels, panties, a bra and has makeup on. The salesman says, \"um, are your parents home?The kid says,\" What the fuck do you think? \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what? It wooden start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you have brain cancer? Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was 7 years old, I realized that Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and my dad all had the same handwriting. Good thing none of those things actually exist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety... He says it clams him down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Would you be interested in contributing to our Sperm Foundation Fund?\" No thanks, I gave at the office."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield, Sir Prise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise.. I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm trying to stream Titanic But it keeps syncing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke. If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle. “Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings? Brutus: Columns, sir.Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying. What are your online shopping habits?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The phone rings at Crayola Headquarters {green-green-green}\"Yellow?\"\"May I speak to Mr. Brown?\"\"Please white while I transfer you.\"{pink}"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I literally only know two phone numbers 911 and J.G. Wentworth’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you describe how Al Gore plays drums? Al-Gore-rhythms!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed? A: It was very sweepy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Let's make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are goldfish the most dangerous animal? Because they live in a tank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a concert for just 45 cents, it featured 50 Cent and Nickelback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common? They both make good crops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show. Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the creator of spaghetti died? He pasta way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf? This is a fine mesh we've gotten ourselves into!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Asked my French friend if he played any video games He said \"wii\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ruth rode on my motorcycle, on the seat behind me... I took a bump at 95, and rode on ruthlessly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the squirrel say when he had to choose between staying still or jumping down? I’m really on the fence about this one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938) Where is the non stick toilet bowl?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fallout, why are caps used as currency? Because america is a CAPitalist country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a space pun But i need a little more time to planet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did blonde had lipstick all over the steering wheel ? Because she was trying to blow the horn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey... Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; \"Houston, you have a problem.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a bank gets robbed by ghosts, then it’s a Polterheist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a ghost of Christmas past never get? A present."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a poster on a tree with a man's face. It read: \"MISSING PERSON! REWARD £150\". Would you believe it...I was out on a pleasant walk the day after when I found that very guy tied up in the woods down by the river.So regretfully, I had to give him the £150."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Taxes and Texas? Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What bounces and makes children sad? The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins. It just doesn't make cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You hear about the snail who had to call a tow truck? He couldn't make 'is car go"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wire just fell from the ceiling I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf. When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing.  “What happened to my 12th juror?”  The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mary had a little lamb... Her gynecologist fainted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A news chain started asking people what's their opinion on a food shortage around the world The venezuelans asked what food isThe Europeans asked what shortage isThe americans asked what the rest of the world is The chinese asked what an opinion is, then got arrested for asking too many questions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend's plastic fork broke while she was eating earlier.... ....Just a tine-y bit. (i was so proud of myself but no one else laughed as much as I did )"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby cause 2 wongs don’t make a white"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company It’s going to be called Au Nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin? They both come in socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Reverend Rabbit say before blessing his meal ? Lettuce Pray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard my school's principle's husband talk about how she gives good blow jobs She is the headmaster after all"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my friend how long it would take to perfect my David Carradine impersonation They said, \"I wouldn't hold my breath.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In recent news, a man who was charged with impersonating a hay stack Has been bailed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a beehive to start my beekeeping company I thought it was a good bees nest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when a chicken lays its eggs on the top of a hill? Egg rolls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you tell Drake if he says something stupid? Ok groomer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business The steaks are high"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"My last name is Smith, because my dad was a blacksmith.\" \"My last name is Fisher, because my dad was a fisherman.\" \"My last name is Dickinson, and I dont like this game\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer's wife said \"300 times, isn't that wonderful dear?  Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how.\"  Farmer said \"Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What recipe uses chicken, shrimp, okra, and elephant sausage? Dumbolaya"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil I wouldn't pay 200 dollars to have a lentil on my face"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandpa's pyjamas? Grandma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you play the drums incorrectly? You get repercussions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started a summer camp for kids with add/adhd to teach them to manage their symptoms. It didn’t do so well, people kept telling me “Concentration Camp” was a bad name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter \"F\"? The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One farmer asks another \\- \"Are your cows smokers?\"\\- \"No, that would be ridiculous!\"\\- \"Then your barn is on fire.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class. She said, \"Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?\"The quick witted retort came flying back \"Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want me to tell you the joke about the butter? No, you might spread it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad if he could put the cat out. He replied, \"I didn't know it was on fire.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag? \"No thanks, I'm traveling light!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone - now I have spring rolls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins, my friend said. Well, I replied, they were separated at birth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? \"Supplies!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What runs around a baseball field but never moves? A fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kathy: \"Wow, you have really gorgeous hair.\" Chandler: \"Thanks, I grow it myself.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun? An Ultra-Violet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm hiding in my Finnish Neighbours shed, waiting to jump out and surprise him. It's like a sauna in here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm seeing this girl and she redecorated her bedroom and I really don't like the new look. Should I tell her? It's kind of an awkward conversation starter from someone she has never met."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today i asked myself the question: Do I identify myself as a man or a woman. But then I knew after I spilled my coffee, I am just a disappointment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do Brain Surgeon Students go to study? The Hippocampus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Its OK to make mistakes, everybody does! My parents are a great example, they made me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the  say to the ? Nice belt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes we get the joy of Friday, but with the misery of Monday swirled in I call it... A Monday-Friday Sunday"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, \"sort it out yourselves.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, I think I wanna become a farmer. I’d get so many chicks..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being horny and tired at the same time is a strange feeling. On one hand, you want to go to sleep, ... In the other hand, however."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pacifist say to the aggressive musician? Violins is not the answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs. Me: You're the one with the talking dog!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play triangle in a reggae band. I would stand at the back and ting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What berry are the turtles allergic to? Strawberry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Soviet Russia, you rob bank In Capitalist America, bank robs you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one John say to the other John? What’s the matter? You look flushed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is better a stool or a box to stand on? You stand on a stool, though I prefer the ladder"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub... And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby...(Anthony Jeselnik)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What, is a librarians favorite thing to grill during the summer? A shhhhh-kabob"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife. She said, \"I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!\"I said, \"That's the point.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the ghetto snowman call his friends? His snowmies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure. Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's nice to see that my local supermarket is saving energy by raising the temperature of it's freezers. But \"Rocky Road\" soup is an acquired taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A biology teacher runs into a bank holding a flower. He says \"Everybody on the ground, I have a pistil!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Biology Joke Biology teacher:\nCan anyone name a disease?\n\nStudent:\nI can sir.\n\nTeacher:\nWell done. Whose next?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you are debating whether or not to shovel your neighbor's driveway... Ask yourself, \"would they do the same for me?\"If the answer is no, do it anyways out of the kindness of your heart.If the answer is yes, go back inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's good to know sign language. It's pretty handy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a bunch of babies in a pool and some coins? The coins are the only thing heads up..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new game called \"Silent Tennis.\" It's like regular Tennis, but without the racquet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US? Agent orange, duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the famous writer who turned out to be a fraud? His life had its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bulls wear bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!  They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought. It’s an extremely rare dish order."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my cat, \"how are you?\" He said he was, \"feline fine\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance. I really shouldn't be a paramedic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why Bill Cosby likes Jam more than he likes Jelly? Because he can't jelly his dick in someone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just began a sexual relationship with a blind woman. Took me ages to get her husband's voice right, but at least I know she won't be seeing other people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato that wears glasses ? A Spec-tator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? a labracadabrador"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the dog stealing shingles? He wanted to become a *woofer*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm surprised the pandemic has lasted this long. I thought trump trusted doctors to fix his mistakes before they hit 9 months"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are most weather forecasters men? Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?” He answered, “No, just visiting”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven't aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews... only 1 star!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there's Nathan...(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a duck thats addicted? A quackhead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Amoung Us characters bottle up their emotions? Because they get kicked out of the group when they vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Not mine) A man in a trench coat walks up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench He opens up his coat at them, the first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, the third old lady absolutely refused to touch it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since starting the quarantine two weeks ago, I’ve been shredding all my old CVS receipts. I’m about halfway done... ...with the first one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't like to illegally download music. I'm afraid I'll get FLAC."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Honesty is the best policy But by process of elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Keep that in mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All my friends told me I have no self-awareness Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My old Gramps used to say \"If you've got a screwdriver set, an adjustable spanner and a soldering iron you can fix anything!\" Senile old cunt, I've just made a right fucking mess of my niece's poorly gerbil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old niece told me this one. What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?(•_•)( •_•)>⌐■-■(⌐■_■)An investigator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, why is destruction a form of creation? Dad: Well son, you see, I destroyed your mom's pussy to create your ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood. He really had to shell out for that place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps? He says “No, it kills them.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the pig who thought he caught Covid on a plane? Turned out to be the 'swine flew'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do turtles eat? Plastic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pig jump into the pot of stew? Because it was stew-pig"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man out of a plane, and he'll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did settlers eat when they headed west? Oregon Trail Mix. I hope this joke doesn't die of dysentery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bubonic plague inflames your lymph nodes. But pneumonic plague helps you to remember things"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sheep and a goat went on a blind date and found out they had nothing in common. When asked about their experience, the Sheep went: “Bah”and the Goat went “Meh”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's hard being an American Comedian in Iraq! No matter how many times I keep coming back I'm always bombing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always said that I would never ever go walking dark scary tunnels in the earth. But eventually I caved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I strongly believe in karma. What you do to others you'll get back eventually. So the other week i was pouring ravioli down my neighbours letterbox. And I kept thinking - I wonder what thev've done to deserve this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a train eat? It goes chew, chew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German is trying to to make his way to Paris At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?”“Hans Mueller.”“Place of residence?”“Munich.”“Occupation?”“No, just vacation this time.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you like Dead Pan jokes? Well that's good because Neverland is just purgatory for children."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig? The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just realized my countertop is made of marble.. I have been taking it for granite all these years."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do lonely Sharks go to find companionship? Sand Bars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got in touch with my inner self this morning. That's the last time I buy one ply toilet paper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many redditors on r/jokes does it take to change a lightbulb? 87. 1 to install the replacement and 86 to point out it’s already been used before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The local wig shop got broken into last night They've had to replace all the locks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ISIS and little miss muffet have in common? They both have Kurds in their wayCredit to /u/MolecularAnthony"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East It's titled A Kuwait Place"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Missing South Africa  In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: \"I miss South Africa.\" So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read: \"I hope this helps.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system? Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down. Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex is like playing billiards. You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when four kangaroos have sex? A kangbang"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019. I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rest in peace to the water I just boiled. It will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance. Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Spiderman when he parks his car? Peter Parker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Limmerick from The Crown on Netflix There once was a girl named Sally Who enjoyed the occasional dallyShe sat on the lapOf a well-endowed chapAnd cried \"Sir! You're right up my alley.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a German Tiger and a Siberian Tiger? One can survive the Winter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my nephew that I was named after George Washington. He said, \"but Uncle, your name is Jon.\" I said,\"I know I was named AFTER George Washington.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got an email from Google saying, 'At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!' and I thought, 'That's just spam!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't worry if your parachute won't open. You'll have the rest of your life to fix it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why don't astronomers like Orion's Belt? A: It's a big waist of space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a TV vaccination? A screen-shot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil... ...but really, I'm just trying to make a point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest... So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most exciting credit card? Capital One(lets see how many people get this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a beehive to start my beekeeping company I thought it was a good bees nest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, are you having a crush on a young popular actress? Am I what, son?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw an amazing picture of a printer on r/funny It was inkredditable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping? Croutons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? Any dog, because buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make gold soup? Add 24 carrots"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you beat the Mandalorian in a race? Because he has the beskar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Mexican Owl? Hoolio"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t astronauts need health cover? Because they are never under the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A customer of mine asked how much I’m charging to say this. I said “Nothing. I believe in free speech.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dsylexic man walks into a bra Read it again if you didnt get it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Theoretical duck What did the duck say after it split the atom ?Quark ! Quark !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that my sister is dating the teacher. I could hear them making out in the closet yesterday Homeschooling is weird"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, \"Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel.\"The patient says, \"My name isn't Daniel.\"The doctor says, \"Mine is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator... ...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language is universal to strippers? Pole-ish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole, and a Fox lives in a foxhole, does that mean a donkey live in a asshole?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were Russians indifferent about the Cold War? Because they lived in the So Be It Union"}
{"character": "random", "line": "PROMOTION Employee: Sir, I hope it’s okay that I replace the former manager who just died.   Boss: I’m totally fine with it. But maybe the funeral home won’t allow it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the redneck say when he walked in on his daughter using a cucumber to masturbate? Hey! I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like cucumber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, \"There's a hell of a lot of steps here.\"The second drunk says, \"I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day. (Usually either Nestle or Captain)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are atheists bad at exponents? Because they don’t believe in a higher power."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife locked me outside the house coz she got tired of my wordplay jokes I texted her \"Oh Pun the door\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sorry for the spelling/grammer mistakes My first language is English."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin? A squash :3"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a tornado's favorite game to play? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Longest Drum Solo The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of toilets do pirates prefer? Port-a-potties.I'll sea myself out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Madness at the Snowman's rave last night.. All the Carrots were off their faces"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common? Sooner or later one of em will get your house...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun! The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk. He was easily convicted.  There was concrete evidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend died when she saw a wild ox wearing a knitted jumper. It was a Cardi Yak arrest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just finished my latest underground movie. It's about a young man who rides a motorcycle naked across America's roughest roads. I call it \"Uneasy Rider\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Amanda frowned at the man who had just proposed to her. \"I'm sorry Mike,\" she said. \"I just can't marry you.\"\"Why not?\" He asked. \"Is there someone else?\"The frown deepened. \"Oh Mike... there must be.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guess how i escaped Iraq.. IranSYRIASLY"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle got rich the American way He tripped over things and sued people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set Pretend that I have one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke was going to get him for Father’s Day? He sensed his presents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, And name it ElonGates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a vampire in trouble? A grave problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. \"I'd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,\" he says. \"Sorry, but I can't serve you,\" the bartender replies. \"You're out of your head.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house... but the kids still get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? To make some dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the man ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie (Maybe leave this one until the kids aren't around!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Oscar the Grouch get all of his opiates from? Poppy street"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a fight broke out in the orchestra hall today. Apparently someone struck a wrong cord and it led to a lot of violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football? It was a superb_owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a Hurricane and a wife have in common? One day it is wet and exciting and the next day your house is gone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you. The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. \"Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself! Ok soot yourself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bad Dad Joke What do you get when you cross a sheep with an elephant?A Wolly Mammoth!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering.... .....but the illegal part would be the gathering."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is reading the onion more useful than reading the Wall Street Journal? Because the Wall Street Journal is about the past, while the Onion is about the future"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On new years, 2019, i made a resolution to lose 10 kg by 2020. After months of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears, I can proudly say i only have 16 more kg to go"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a sus dudes favorite pair of shoes? SKETCHers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday... They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over. I think I missed Mike ache day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Errors are red My screen is blueI think I deletedSystem 32"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda? **Best Buy employee:** a cord?**Me:** no it's a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond. That’s a lot of pressure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists got so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours They called it a day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you harvest crops in the winter? With an ice sickle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 7yr old son told me this tonight. What do you call a snowman temper tantrum? A meltdown*edit* Thanks for the silver, its greatly appreciated"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath. I still don't know if I like self-checkout."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine said he likes metal. A friend of mine said he likes metal, so I asked him to tell me 3 blacksmiths. He said, \"Will, Jaden, and Willow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the loudest part of tennis? The Racquet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike. ... unfortunately the result was unbearable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100. Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dyslexic kid push his brother out of the window? He wanted to see Tim fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to control population ? Google: Use a CondomBing: \\*Cocks Gun\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "scooby-doo: it’s a g-g-g-ghost! **ghost:** holy fuck a talking dog!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Labrador who does Magic? Labrakadabrador"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China I hope they've put it straight into iceolation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lamb hovered at the foot of my bed, then disappeared, as I lay frozen in fear. Sometimes I get sheep paralysis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an authoritarian couch potato? A dictator tot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called the RSPCA I called the RSPCA today and said, \"I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.\"\"That's terrible,\" the woman on the phone replied. \"Are they moving?\"\"I'm not sure, to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase’’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the woman flash the tattoo artist. It was tit for tat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy. She urned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My lotion bottle says to use on areas of irritation so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library. They have an excellent non-friction section."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is a lot like avatar Aang. In the sense that he dissapeared on me when I needed him most."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the biggest drawback to voting by mail? Postage from Russia will cost a fortune!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump says he’s a self-made man. I think it’s decent of him to take the blame."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups? A blunderbuss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home? The Seizure salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I identify as an ambulance My pronouns are wee/woo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I'd make a joke about fencing but then I saw the rule about \"no ripostes\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says \"excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?” To which the baker replies “No you're right enough it's a doughnut\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.  \"You can't cut me down,\" the tree complains. \"I'm a talking tree!\" The  man responds, \"You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: Hello, ASPCA? There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan ASPCA: We don't believe youMe: Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do monsters like to watch movies on? Wide scream TVs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, \"Can I have a bookmark?\" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. She said I won't be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can a leopard change his spots? By moving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said \"This isn't working\" Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing... Just don't go overboard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A termite walks into a bar and says... 'Where is the bar tended?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was pretty mad when they told me my flat earth movie was nominated for an award. Golden globes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: \"Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?\" The man replies: \"I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out.\"The woman blushes and asks: \"What do you think now?\"The man says: \"I think, I did a pretty good job with that.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the script editors blood Type? Type O !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Those childhood days(real incident) I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariouslyTeacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?Voice: This is my father."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. That fly didn’t stand a chance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband on second day of marriage... ...goes to the beautician who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100. Husband smiled and said' same feeling '"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is Betty White"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed. It would be a real game changer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A redneck suffered a nasty fall... So he visited a physician and sought treatment. “Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained,” the doctor said. The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mind is like a steel trap I can use it once and then I have to reset it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet... I thought, “Well he's pushing his luck!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a biologist studies biology and a nutritionist studies nutrition Trump must be an expert at studying races."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal? Grilled Chee-heese"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started dating this blonde chick last night. \"Do you have any kids?\" she asked. \"Yes,\" I replied. \"I have one child that's just under two.\" She said, \"I might be blonde, but I know how many one is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde is sitting next to a brunette on a plane. She turns to the dark haired woman and asks, \"Where are you from?\" The brunette haughtily replies, \"I'm from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition.\"The blonde pauses for a second and then asks, \"Where are you from, bitch?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the “teethbrush”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency. He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer song writer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Those push-up bras aren't very good, are they? I wore my wife's to the gym this morning and I still couldn't manage more than six."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait? Doesn't seem like it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof I was shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... \"I'm scared\" said the little girl.\"You're scared?!\" Said the man. \"At least you don't have to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When trouble brews, why do members of the White House staff rush the president to the Oval Office? Because he can never be cornered there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter! She's my Japaniece.Edit: guys, I see my mistake.Shiiit. Well imma leave now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the west of Africa weaker than the east of Africa? Because the west is a Ghana (goner)(Created by my son)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dollar bill go to a therapist? He wasn't making any cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!” In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Snowman with a six pack? ..............                                                  An abdominal Snowman.  ;)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "No Good Question Goes Unbilled... A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. The lawyer says, \"$100 for three questions.\"\"Isn't that a bit steep?\" asked the man.\"Yes,\" said the lawyer. \"Now, what's your third question?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a philosopher I believe in the infinite universes theory So there’s a universe where I didn’t commit 3 dozen war crimes against the children of Djibouti"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar. Bartender yells, “What is this, some sort of joke?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \\*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves? Completely Ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator” I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many lips does a flower have? Tulips"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza? a crust station"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Leafblowers are dangerous Be careful! If you point a leaf blower upwards, it blows up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cockroach in my home just came out of the closet. I was shocked at first but I made sure that it felt supported and loved no matter what or whome it loved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I forgot to pack a fork with my lunch today. It was a pointless lunch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A paranoid schizophrenic was arrested for killing 17 pigeons in a local park. He wasn't arrested for murder, or animal cruelty. His actual charge was for the destruction of government property."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says \"this is my body\", pours the wine and says \"this is my blood\"... ...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says \"Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along? They were too shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How am I similar to the Earth ? We both rotate around our own ex(s)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\n\" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? \" My wife screamed. \" Could you explain to me,\" I yelled back, \" Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize For real"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clark: \"I'll have a coke.\" Flight attendant: \"Do you want that in the can?\" Clark: \"No, I'll have it right here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 3-year-old son said, \"Put my shoes on.\" I told him, \"I think my feet are too big.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about Nirvana, but Nevermind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monica: \"Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.\" Chandler: \"How do you find clothes that fit?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which school subject was the witch's favorite? Spelling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you lift an elephant with one hand? You can't, elephant only have feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? \"Hand eeeeeyeeeee......\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Cause you shouldn't press your luck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A termite walks into a bar and asks, \"Is the bar tender here?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently started learning to play the violin, and I think my neighbor enjoys it. I assume he's throwing bricks through my windows to hear me better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Hey, I’m looking for a book about turtles” “Ah yes, the hard back”“Yeah, With small heads”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are panthers so much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard cousins? Because they're never spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "God wants to go on vacation So he asks his angels for suggestions. Venus? asks one, god says no too hot. Another says Mars; no too cold. What about earth? Earth! No way, god says. 2000 years ago I hooked up with some girl there and they’re still talking about it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a molecular ring of six iron atoms? A ferrous wheel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Was on an Egg Hunt Earlier. I tried to find them by heading to the far West, but it turns out it was an Easter Egg hunt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "whats a dogs favorite vegetable collie-flower"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think something went wrong during my laser eye surgery. I can see just fine, but I can't figure out how to shoot the lasers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist wrote on my evaluation form that I have ocd. I had to correct it to OCD."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 is the most popular year on the internet. It went viral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think stimulus checks should also extend to all waterfowl. Because ducks have bills too, you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the jelly cross the road? to create a traffic jam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of dudes are walking through the park They see a young pair banging in the bushes. One of the dudes can't help himself but comment:\"Hey, man, leave some for us!\"\"I can't, I inserted everything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage. It was a tern for the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my way to work this morning a bird decided to make its home on top of my head. I went to call someone for help but my phone had run out of power I'm now under a nest without charge"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent. So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy? He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What award did the deceased chick pea receive? A posthummus award"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what's black, white, orange and terrifying? My voters pamphlet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla? People actually care if a gorilla dies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pink Fluff... What's pink and fluffy?Pink FluffWhat's Blue and Fluffy?Pink Fluff holding it's breath.(My niece told me this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was. \"Perfect!\", he replied. \"I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!His friends asked, \"So what did you do!?!?\"He replied, \"I sent her to her mother's!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? One is a good year, the other is a great year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Christopher Walken gets an incurable and fatal disease... Would that make him a dead man Walken?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.” And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The teacher asks Johnny if he knows his numbers. \"Yes,” he says, “my daddy taught me.”“Can you tell me what comes after three?\" “Four.\" “What comes after six?\" “Seven.\" “Very good\" says the teacher. \"Your dad did a very fine job. What comes after ten?\" “A jack.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently I met a pair of twins named Sharon and Karen They were wearing the same clothes, same makeup, and same personality. In fact, they were pretty much the same person. So I guess it is just as they say, Sharon is Karen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm addicted to buying hatchets from other countries because of the smell. I just love Foreign Axe Scents**Taken from Axe Junkies facebook group I'm in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom? A Lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my parents were getting divorced, I was given a choice to go with my mom or dad. I chose my mom. I left my dad for milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Nature Valley Granola Bars make good trail food? Because they go fucking-everywhere! When you eat them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old. Prince Phillip scoffs at him. \"50?!\".DMX says \"Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning. The woman behind the counter asked, \"How would you like your eggs cooked.\" \"Does it affect the price?\" I said. \"No, not at all.\" she replied. \"In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one loaf of German bread say to the other? Gluten tag!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income. He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?    Billy Jeans!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my girlfriend she'd get Sax lessons for her birthday Offended she asked: \"Sex lessons? Isn't it good enough?\".\"Oh no honey, I meant the saxophone.So you can finally learn how to blow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The American Foundation for the Blind has done such good work for blind people across America I really wish they could see what good they’ve done"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got super freaked out when I saw 2 dead bodies hanging in my closet I was relieved when I remembered I had just installed a mirror in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had dinner with Garry Kasparov at a restaurant with a checked tablecloth... I asked him to pass the salt, & it took 3 1/2 hours"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces? So you know that it's time to change the channel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top. Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell meCredits: Anthony Jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees access the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "15 When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, \"I love you.\" \"Is that you or the beer talking?\" she asked. I answered, \"It's me... talking to my beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m getting really good at beating computers Captcha thinks I’m not even human"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound. He said \"suture self\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad thought OnlyFans was a webstore that just sold air conditioning units. I suppose you can still find something on there to spin around and blow you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the farmers to attend a meeting on Thursday morning. None of them turnip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the heat turns down,we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting. We call it our Con Den session."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A poem (Nsfw) There once was a gal from Cancun,Who had a most curious poon.T'was coarse like a thistle,But tight as a whistle,And whilst cumming, could play you a tune."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red,violets are blue If you were expecting a generic meme fuck you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What room is useless for a ghost? A living room  xD"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple? He was a rebel without a Claus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end? Doctors say his condition is stable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning? Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?They worked inter-mitten-ly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been having a rough time lately wth my life, and my best friend suggested I try some insoluble fiber. He said it really helped him keep his shit together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing? A Def Leppard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do snails say when they gave way to traffic? Yescargot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every date I’ve ever had has been like my WiFi signal. No Connection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted. The fifth one though was dead Sirius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys want to share a golf cart Pro: Sorry, because of Covid19 you can't share a cart unless you're cohabitating.Customer points to friend; Well, I'm fucking his wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does an Italian win an award in television? He has to rigatoni"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked, \"Can you lend me a book mark?\" I immediately burst into tears.12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform. She said it's in case she has to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope this joke isn’t as bad as I’d think it is... it’s my first one. Hey did you hear about Jim?No, Why? I heard his septic burst.Oh I see...Yea man must have been a pretty crappy thing to happen..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn't even know she sold them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be. No need to keep reminding her every hour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In honor of the other math joke I saw on the front page A mountain climber is climbing a mountain from the bottom along it’s only path. A mosquito starts at the top and follows the path downwards. Where do the two meet?Nowhere. You can’t cross a scalar and a vector."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick. It was acoustic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Tupperware Bra Heard this a very long time ago. The latest thing in female under garments, does not lift, does not separate, does not support, but it keeps what you got nice and fresh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what the biggest state is in the US? DaNile it has a population of 74million."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk. He was easily convicted.  There was concrete evidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What makes crop circles? A protractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the tooth hate minorities? Because it is bracist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife cut herself putting the clothes away. When she showed me, I said, \"Wow, and I thought I was a sharp dresser.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A student comes late to the class Teacher (T): Why are you late?Student (S): Mom and dad were fightingT: So what makes you late if they were fighting?S: One of my shoes were in my dad's hand, and the other in my mom's"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me- \"So I was making a family tree for class.\" Stranger on the bus- \"...ok?\"Me-  \"Turns out that my father's father was a Jew.\"Stranger- \"That's interesting.\"Me- \"Yeah, guess you could say that makes me...Jew-ish.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the worst student in a graduating class of medical students? Doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If only mosquito nets were handed out in Africa. Each year we could save millions of mosquitoes dying needlessly of AIDS"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp? Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What music to kangaroos like?? Hip hop!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver... But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What device is best to measure a mother's temperature? A ther-mom-meterFrom my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orca-stra."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rockstar Just Annouced A GTA Spinoff About Breaking And Entering Its called GTFO"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.\"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down.\"\"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him.\" Johnny then frowned.\"I was sitting on Daddy's lap\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man was reading his wife's suicide note Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A knight’s brother was slain in battle by monster Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!Hunter: You have my bow!Warrior: And my axe!Mage: And my staff!Necromancer: And your dead brother!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets are blue. When it comes to flower colours, the person who made this has no clue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "David Beckham’s son arrived for football training. He asked the coach, “What number shirt am I?”The coach said “Wear four out there, Romeo”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? A: \"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was King Arthurs army too tired to fight? All of those sleepless knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can't be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I'm not dead yet!'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A yardvark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, \"Can I push your stool in ?\"She : \"Let's see how this date goes first\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm trying to stream Titanic But it keeps syncing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather got to see the Titanic He told everyone it would sink, no one believed him. He said it again, they shut him up. For the last time, he warned everyone that it would sink. They have had enough and he got kicked out of the movie theatre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet. And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brain is like an F-22 Raptor Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house. It was fu***ng delicious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating. But I’ll wait until tomorrow to start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a fisherman fishes out money, he does not have to report it to the government because that's net income."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If gays come out of the closet, where do straights come out of? Compton"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It took a while for Americans to get COVID-19. But in China, they got it right off the bat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister got captured by terrorists while vacationing in Iraq But I guess jihad it coming"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey... Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bear wanders into a police station He was just there to bear witness"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys But Woody?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What school of magic does a Giraffe practice? Neckromancy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference... THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i read on the internet there's a lot of people shooting heroin ...how is that guy still alive?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Virgin Boyfriend and girl  had first sexIt was wild and passionate After sex boyfriend said :B: If a knew you where a virgin I would have waited more G: If I knew you would wait I would have taken my pantyhose off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends? In an explosion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed. Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes? A warthog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A butcher was selling a barrel of pork For 600 dollars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Ellen have a cooking segment? She's always eating out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call someone who steals pancakes? A Crepetomaniac"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I was all dressed in latex whipping my slave when they kept on yelling someone else's safe word. Then I realized this was my Wednesday appointment and not my Thursday appointment. Whoops, wrong sub."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad cooks dinner. He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t remember if I had a Dalmatian or leopard when I was a kid. Either way, my memory of my pet is kinda spotty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean He said “no shit”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen. She's completely dotty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Limmerick from The Crown on Netflix There once was a girl named Sally Who enjoyed the occasional dallyShe sat on the lapOf a well-endowed chapAnd cried \"Sir! You're right up my alley.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, \"Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please?\" The barman says, \"Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!\" The dog replies, \"Why? Do they need electricians?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a job at a factory that makes fire hydrants. They would not let me park my car there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Drac Frost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me about that manga writer who died recently I heard his whole fanbase is going Berserk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items, the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the boy say to the mounted policeman? I've never seen a horse with two dicks before!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said “guess” So I said about 340, now she wants to fight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose  Nobody knows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday Everything is buy one, get achoo free"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake. Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Object to All This Sex on the Television I keep falling off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the lungs favorite food? R-alveoli"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of dinosaur has a spike in his butt? A bronto-sore-ass!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Russians play at the bar? Snooker Blyat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When answering the security question place of birth? Apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We're renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the police finally stop the paint thief? They caught him red handed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs? Peter Parkour"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs? Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes, I use words I don’t understand So I can sound more photosynthesis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say when clients leave? Thanks for coming!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If youre having trouble losing weight Try gaining weight for new years resolution"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you light a match in the boy's locker room? *KABOOM!*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell They were slugging it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni Change"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My university is so concerned about the environment.. They've been recycling past papers since 87'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Helium enters to a bar of elements... The bartender just kicks him out saying he's too noble to be there.But he didn't react."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new job at the prison library It has its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little old lady calls the fire department A little old lady calls the fire department and says, help, come right away, my house is on fire.The dispatcher says okay ma'am, how do we get there? The little old lady replies, don't ya'll still have that red truck?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"And this baby is our granddaughter. Her name is Degree.\" \"I'm sorry, did you say Deborah?\"\"No, no. Degree. Our daughter left for University and came back with this. It's her Degree.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there” The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the old days, when you illegally downloaded music it would transfer everything but the drum tracks, so you’d have to duplicate those on your own. That’s why they say you can’t steal music without repercussion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cats call their human form? Their purr-sona."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. And probably only a fraction of people will find this funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan? Because of the Taliban(say it out loud)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paul was 6 feet tall, Bob was 5 feet tall, John was 5'5. John was the mean one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump doesn’t know geography... Instead of building a wall on the Mexico border, he built one in Washington DC"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the writer who became a baker? They say he makes excellent synonym rolls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door. He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: \"Dude was that necessary?\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common? The whites are useless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a therapist who moonlights as a prostitute? A cathartic thot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife Ruth just died at age 78 Is it too soon to call myself Ruthless?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I caught a guy looking up children's skirts in the library. I never even knew they had a section for that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently learned sign language So I can tell jokes people has never heard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is suicide illegal in China? Destruction of government property"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Denzel say to the thick wire entering his house’s circuit breakers box ? Mah main...!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War. These quadricopters are going to be named \"Strikekirts\", which reads the same forwards and backwards.Why?It's because they are Palindrones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 Shades He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'- 50 Shades of Macy Gray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing. I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner. She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say, \"The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama. Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says \"Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?\"She smiles and says, \"Yale.\"He says, \"YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good percentage of my friends are Nazis That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to haveEdit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!and fuck da haterz"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lot of people don't like Mondays But 48 hours ago was a sadder day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the court: Please, have mercy! I have a wife and 3 kids! I am sorry Mr. Brown, but you have served the sentence and paid your debt, you are free now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage. I do not want unlucky people working in our company"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What side of the earth were Europeans best at exploring? Genocide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every birthday, my uncle Guiseppe used to cook me a meal He'd say, \"That was the pasta, this is the present.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] My wife is like a bottle of wine I have to keep the cork wet or else she’ll spoil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house? To please their steakholders"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh No pun in ten did"}
{"character": "random", "line": "inspired by the girl who was surprised after drawing her eyebrows too high I tried to tell this foreign exchange student that she drew one of her eyebrows higher than the other, but I don't think her English was very good because she looked confused ​"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My old Gramps used to say \"If you've got a screwdriver set, an adjustable spanner and a soldering iron you can fix anything!\" Senile old cunt, I've just made a right fucking mess of my niece's poorly gerbil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the world. I said \"Really?\"She said, \"Yes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Billy is the perfect name for a newborn goat. As a child, it'll be \"Billy the Kid.\" As an adult, it'll be a \"Billy Goat.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, the sky is pink This water tastes funnyNice to meet you I live in flint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed? Let me finish this one line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s my first time in court and the The judge said “ORDER”! And I quickly replied “fried rice, spring rolls and orange juice- now two policemen are escorting me outside and I think we are going to a restaurant :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do oysters get around? In mussel cars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid... Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The vagina... The best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger. It's self lubricating. It takes any size piston and change's its own oil every four weeks. It just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room He said \"I'll be back in a GIPHY\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Jellyfish, a Snake and a Snail walk into a bar. The Jellyfish says, “This is impossible”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread. Now she’s toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 2 lambs dating? A relationSHEEP."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With the beauty shop finally open after many weeks, there is a huge crowd of people all jostling for position to get in... They really need a hair traffic controller."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China I hope they've put it straight into iceolation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dealing with dad-jokes all winter... I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict. It starts in a box and moves to a house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hindu dies and goes to heaven... Hindu dies and goes to heaven. He's standing at the pearly gates, talking to St Peter. He says, \"I wish to speak to Jesus Christ\", and St Peter turns his head and yells, \"Jesus, your cab is here!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the dinosaur era actually exist? You bet Jurassic did"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Peter Pan’s career in stand-up take off? Because his jokes Neverland."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said \"who the f@#k are you?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The inventor of sliced bread Is likely the one that cut the cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Awwww If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything. But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher. I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I joked about how bad our apartment building's foundation was Even the walls started cracking up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a nun in church, and a nun in the shower? One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the epileptic throw himself into the lettuce patch? He was making a seizure salad.    ....I’ll see myself out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Geography class -Whats the capital of Germany?-Berlin teacher-Whats the capital of France?-Berlin again teacher-Whats the capital of Poland?-Still Berlin teacher-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!-We'll see about that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I phoned in sick today \"Exactly how sick are you?\"\"Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition. It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a skeleton's favorite wind instrument? Nothing, because they don't have lungs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my girlfriend got vaccinated today now she wont hold any air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "did you hear Oxygen and Magnesium got together **OMg**All I knew, till last week Oxygen was dating PotassiumBut they said it was just **OK**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What joke is the same in all european languages? USA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the squirrel say when he had to choose between staying still or jumping down? I’m really on the fence about this one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two old ladies are harvesting potatoes when one unearth two massive tubers. \"Sweet baby Jesus, they look like my husband's balls !\"\"How, as big ?\"\"No, as dirty !\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask..... Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller,   Beating it....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers He just wanted to put them in their place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the orphan with a stutter get drunk? Can I have some mimosa?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company. It was the wurst decision of his life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Detroit Lions announced that they’re releasing their running back, Kerryon Johnson. Needless to say, he will not Kerryon with the team."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said \"could you check my balance?\"-so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad's name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, 'Dad, I'm full,' he always replies, 'No, I'm full; you're Ruby.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie is $50 in Jamaica and $00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If skeletons could be any ruler from history, who would they be? Napoleon Bone-a-Part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I'm colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is another name for all the bodies of water on the Earth? Cloud Storage.(Original joke!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tired dragon make for dinner? Flamin yawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman get kick out the produce Department Because he was picking his nose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the average temperature at Motown Records? Three Degrees, Four Tops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are a kidnapper’s favorite shoes? White Vans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jokes about Feminine Hygiene are the lowest form of humor Period."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you cry when you cut an onion, here’s a tip: Don’t get emotionally attached"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a £1 coin? When he went to pick it up, it hit him on the back of his head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a guy doing 60 in a 30 zone, so a policeman pulls him over Policeman says to driver: \"I have reason to believe you've been doing drugs, sir.\" Driver replies: \"Why, cos I'm black?!\" Policeman: \"No, sir, cos you haven't got a fucking car.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge- “So Mickey, you’re telling me you want to divorce Minnie because she is extremely silly?” Mickey- “No, I didn’t say she was extremely silly. I said she is fucking Goofy.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the right place at the right time! An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace.\" \"Really? That old chestnut?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Energizer Bunny Arrested Charged with battery"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday They were shocking"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbors have just moved 1000 miles to San Diego to beat Covid-19. Apparently they're SoCal distancing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a single set of footprints in the sand... \"Lord,\" I asked, \"why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?\"\"My child,\" he tenderly replied, \"Those are Chris Christie's.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pancake become the king? He u-syruped the throne."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have been calculating the surface of the Earth in flat-earth point of view. And they were right saying that the government had been hiding much land and the surface is actually larger. How else would they be able to walk that far to fool themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window... ...she said it was a little condescending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] What is the ornithologist with binoculars doing on the nudist beach? Looking for Great Tits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin. While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist. They're just called Japanese actors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mum, dad and their son go to the zoo. When they get to the elephants, one walks over in their direction. The son asks the mother “what’s that hanging done”. The mother says “that’s his trunk”. “No behind that” says the son. “Oh that’s nothing” replies the mother. The son then asks the dad, who says “that’s the elephant’s penis, son”. “Then why did mummy say it’s nothing?” Asks the boy. “Son, I’ve really spoiled that woman”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...? We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult \"toy\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Friend and I were exploring the Appalachia on Fallout 76 Well, that was until I shot him in the head with my pistol.Now, to be fair, I did have an airtight alibi for this.I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Amazonian fish does it take to kill a Frozen character? Just one per Anna."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're looking for a relationship, become a roofer. You're bound to find hot shingles in your area"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Sharks have on their toast? Mermalaid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad always brags that his was the first profession to go completely digital. He’s a proctologist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never listen to coins? It never makes any cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene? To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Describe eating spicy food. That shit burns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the male version of a Karen called? I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson... Apparently it's called an \"Eye disection\" not \"Eye digestion\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like updoots, I like silver Cake day cake day please deliver"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sat at the cafe today. No cellphone.No tablet.No laptop.I just sat there.Drinking coffee.Like a Psychopath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do lonely Sharks go to find companionship? Sand Bars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters? Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 8-year-old’s newest joke: What did the one-legged man with OCD say when he opened the closet? “Hi, jean!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a steak on the BBQ? I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa? Claustrophobia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no churches in space? Without gravity there can be no mass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA... For my black jeep..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the petrol station to pump up my car tyre... and the guy charged me 50p. I said “it was only 20p last week”. He said “that’s the price of inflation”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of the things that you get upset if it works and even more if it doesn't: the alarm clock. That poor thing! It is so scared of you that while waking you up asks if you want a 5 minutes snooze."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do baseball scouts look for when they go to a Mexican restaurant? Fajitas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes-the others were 7's and 8's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?\" What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about Nirvana, but Nevermind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? To the retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A student is late for a zoom class... \"What took you so long?\" the teacher asks.\"Technical difficulties\" the student answers.\"I've heard that excuse a hundred times, let me guess, your wifi didn't work?\"\"My clock\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never hit people with violins?? Because violins is not the answer..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep.... It was a lamb-bikini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "HIGH TEMPERATURES After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.Turns out she felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar. The bartender walks over and says, \"Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup. I told her it depends on whether or not she was trying to kill Batman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it. The woman at the counter says, \"Let me guess, you're single?\" And he says, \"Yeah, how could you tell?\" And she says, \"Because you're really fucking ugly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put the punchline to this on top of a Conifer tree. If you don't get it, joke's on yew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy is introducing himself to a lady in a bar Him : Hi my name is Daniel but my friends call me DickHer : how do you get Dick from Daniel ?Him : you ask nicely ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a pickpocket went to a nudist beach... He hated it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is hiking when they see a set of tracks... \"Look\" says one, \"a father and his kids are on this trail.\"  The other asks \"how do you know it is the father?  It could be mom.\"\"Nope.  Definitely the dad...see the Pa prints?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs He loves them ho ho ho’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a pop up ad for a locally owned Sean Connery roofing supply company It said, “shingles in your area”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does one potato say to another when he’s horny? Wanna hash?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East? Because there are to many targets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy with two dicks? Ambidextrous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Roses are red, violets are red, if you aren’t red, you get shot in the head.” \\-Stalin 1946"}
{"character": "random", "line": "While getting ready to go play outside with my kids, my wife asked me \"Do you have tennis shoes?\" I responded, \"No, I only have 9 issues.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandpa was complaining about how participation trophies reward losing So I asked him why he proudly displayed a Confederate Flag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War? Trump dodged the Vietnam War."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man gets himself a date and decides to surprise the girl with some flowers. He walks into a flower shop and the florist asks \"Hey, what are you looking for, specifically?\"The man says \"To have sex\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Periods aren't bad Its just women's ovary acting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a detective that can pitch a perfect game of baseball. A dick with no balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a Prostitute’s favorite part of leaving a tall building? Going down on the elevator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behaviour. Little does she know she can’t enter my pillow fort without the secret password."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece calls me ankle... I call here kneesWe are a joint family!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends They thought it was well done.I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Food enters from a pair of cheeks Comes out from a pair of cheeks too!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My high school was so small.. we had Driver’s Ed and Sex Ed in the same car!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection After all, no one wants a hung jury"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games? All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year’s resolution is to read more ...so I turned the subtitles on my TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never understood why people hate Internet Explorer and Microsoft Edge so much I am always able to flawlessly download the Firefox Installer using them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never argue with a fictional character Their minds are completely made up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Friend and I were exploring the Appalachia on Fallout 76 Well, that was until I shot him in the head with my pistol.Now, to be fair, I did have an airtight alibi for this.I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who doesn't care about printers? No fax given."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort? About half a gran."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Ewok who just ate pancakes? A sticky Wicket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America. They will call it USB."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison. That sentence was way too long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do angels light a candle? With a match made in heaven."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is this movie about? It is about  hours long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are socialist school teachers so disorganized? Because they love to see the class struggle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons Everything is positive after that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "'How To Cope With Disappointment' ;-) Saw a sign outside of an office building which said\"Today's workshop 'How To Cope With Disappointment' has been cancelled\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never get into arguments with ballerinas they always have a strong point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say as his son left? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do snails fight? They slug it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, doctor, I'm terrified of squirrels. (Doctor replies:) You must be nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Reversing the car) \"Ahh, this takes me back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When finally the quarantaine is over and you have the following options: A. Going on vacation with your wife. B. Having a barbecue with your friends. What would you choose? Spareribs or hamburgers?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US? Agent orange, duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What can you find in a dog park at night? Some shady shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wife calls her husband. \"The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink.\"\"Oh no. You think he's still angry at me from the last time?\"\"What happened last time?\"\"He said he's here to replace the toilet. So I pissed on him\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch. Then a lady came by her and said, \"If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady.\"Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was washing my hands in a public bathroom yesterday and someone stole my mood ring I don’t know how I feel about it..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do Japanese people ask for rice? Samurais?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dataminer? Thats illegal They are too young to date"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You may know that baby owls are called \"owlets\", but did you know where they come from? The owlet mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a DNA joke in my biology class but no one laughed. Guess my thymine was off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf. Then suddenly the penne dropped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a dyslexic poet write? Inverse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to... Bahrain deer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's on first... Then the CDC, then the respective foreign ministers of Iran and Italy.That will be the running order of the press conference"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do swedish bears sleep? In their sweDEN."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you trip an alarm? It doesn’t have any feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead... \"Hail, Satan\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I saw a documentary of hyenas eating the remains of a dead lion I guess they just ate what was lion around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please. There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying. What are your online shopping habits?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister goes to the pizza place The pizza guy asks: \"would you want me to cut your pizza in 4 or 12 pieces.She said: Please only 4, I can't eat 12 pieces all alone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just driving past a dog food factory and it smelled really good. Now I want Arby’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Santa Claus and Johnny Sins? Santa Claus comes once a year"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made my first snowman today... It was so white it's already been nominated to Trump's Cabinet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A local beekeeper was selling his bees for 5 dollars each. \"5 dollars for a single bee?! That's ridiculous,\" I complained. \"Well, if you don't like the price, you can select from that hive over there, those are freebies.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican. The first nun says \"I've never come this way before.\" The second nun says \"yeah, must be the cobblestones.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers. When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.He than left, and never came back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say the difference between animals and humans is that animals never go to war. They've never heard of Eric Burdon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!! That's the trouble with the news today, its all sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why..... The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the file extension of the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer intro? .rar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mate was boasting about being amazing at geography. So I decided to test him, I asked him where Uganda was. His response was: “in the house with my grandmother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple gets into an argument... The next day when the wife comes home, she sees her husband has covered himself in oil.\"What are you doing?\"\"Well,\" he says, \"Yesterday you told me I never glisten.\"*\"Listen,\"* the wife says exasperatedly. \"You never *listen!\"*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project...... ...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus. They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who does a racist call when his car breaks down? Triple K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Noah the best businessman? He floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.The greatest journalist? Samson. He took two columns and made an impression on everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Charlie Brown take his pole dancing routine so seriously? He was tired of doing comic strips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income. He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A person needs to write a letter, but when he picks up an instrument to write with, he realizes He can’t write with a guitar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I applied to get a job as a video editor. Didn’t make the final cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A question for every single person on earth . . . . . . What's it like being single?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Come right in, Mr. Trump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, \"sort it out yourselves.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him. It was the incel's Excel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most patriotic sport? Flag football."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A yardvark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? \"Let's table this.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a quantum observation theory where only police have consciousness cop didn't see it I didn't do it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All lives begin... ...with a crowning achievement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Math is the language of science. f(u)√C + k / y(ø)*^(u)*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman pulled me over What do you do for a living, sir?It's a strange profession, you have probably never heard of it. But I'm an insect blender.An... insect blender?Yes, I combine insects for a livingRight...A few minutes later I reached int... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: \"Book, book, book\" The librarian hands out three books to the chicken.On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: \"Book, book, book\"The frog replies: \"Reddit, reddit, reddit\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Finnish surgeon say after he botched a surgery? Please don’t Soumi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra. My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Both of my parents have brown eyes, so I wasn't too surprised when my girlfriend asked me where I got my blue eyes from. I'm not 100% certain, but I think they belong to the hitchhiker chained in the basement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells ‟Do  not do it! You’ve so much potential!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boxes of previously uncounted ballots have been found in Florida Associated Press is now declaring the State of Florida for Al Gore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil. It wasn’t 2B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument.... But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home..\" \".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge.  I didn’t say a word, said the third."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation. She said, “Honey, you know I never lie.  This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a COVID denier Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic>Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the longest word in the English language? \"smiles\"...The first and last letters are a mile apart"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting... People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control. I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Do Sound Waves Say To Girls They Meet Online? Send nodes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "About a month before he died, we covered my uncle's back in grease and lard He went downhill fast after that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My social life is like an oxygen mask Nonexistant unless something bizarre happens"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one John say to the other John? What’s the matter? You look flushed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file. I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. Operator: \"Great! Can you drive a truck?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bank Robber 1: Did you scope out the place? Robber 2: Yes. The place has two armed guards.Robber 1: So we are evenly matched, limb wise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I taught my son today to play Marco Polo We opened the cabinet and found China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car. He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the big fight last night at the Long John Silvers drive-thru? Battered fish were everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got bitten by a mosquito and now I can't stop singing \"Nessun Dorma\" I think I might have male-aria."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911 - 911?- Yes- Well, now you're 910."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A: Took my temperature today. B: Oh really? A: No, rectally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome... Made me so wet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I asked my daughter for a phone book... She said \"you're such a boomer\" and handed me her phone.  So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boyfriend claimed size doesn't matter. But then the wallpaper he put up all fell off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does bitish surgeons keep donor organs? In Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at... She looks like a sheep dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night, a thief stole the flight of stairs I need to climb to get into my 3rd floor apartment. That's messed up on so many levels!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed. After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means... Y'all basic!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news. \"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first.\"\"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play.\"\"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!\" \"You balls are 3 inches from the pin.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day It was impossible to put down"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the onion get flustered? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? To the retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the opposite of artificial intelligence? Natural stupidity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, \"You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking.\" \"Now settle down,\" the doctor calmly told him. \"You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stranger asked me to take out my watch and see how fast he could circle a fountain I told him I didn’t have the time for this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking of making puns about grain... But most people can *barley* stand it.Yes, I know. That was pretty *corny*. You're probably thinking, \"*Rye* did you do this?\" I'm probably going too *farro* with this. I'm sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Job security in the 21st century. That’s the whole joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my friend if I should get a foot stool Hey said you otto-man"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of printer do pigs use? An oinkjet printer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt? Meatloaf croissant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches\" Where?\"1 o'clock\"1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty grossShe said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between school shootings and mass shootings? School shootings have more class."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows. Deer testicles are under a buck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a canadian enchilada? A centimeter-alada"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call ghost snot? BOOOOOOgers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the first 3D printer? Your butthole!*** This joke is awesome because it was created by a third grader where I teach."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets are red, grass is red OH SHIT THE GARDENS ON FIRE"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I can see into the future Therapist: When did this start?Me: Next Monday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just made up a joke and it’s brilliant! What does Donald trump and a Mac book pro have in common? They aren’t PC"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla.... How shitty of a parent are you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I tried cat for the first time yesterday Just kitten"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the youngest piggy in the family always get stuck wearing? Ham me downs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the Apostle Paul, Bon Jovi and Manfred Mann's Earth Band all have in common? They were all \"blinded by the light\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window… If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the murderous magician bring a satchel of butchered prostitutes to his show? He needed a bag of tricks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke I came up with at a resturaunt, at night :) I love how the sun doesn't get cancelled even when it throws shade at everyone?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager. Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says \"But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!\" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, \"Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the book “Living in Polygamy”? By Sharon Peters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, \"Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?\" Little Johnny quickly replied, \"NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "[blonde] A brunette was doing her laundry and asked her blonde friend to find a match for her sock. \"Why\" the blonde asked.  \"Are you going to set in on fire?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Testing makeup on animals is WRONG... They are cute enough already.^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do typist go for a drink? To the space bar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How tall is the world smallest grandmother? One Nanameter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car Now everyone waves at me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says,\" Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!\"Paddy says, \"What's his name?\"Mick replies, \"Miles, from London.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Nick is known as the grill master amongst us, but his ground burgers are undeniably the best. He's got a real Nick knack patty whack!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anthony Mundine thinks that people shouldn't vaccinate their children... I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from someone who used to get punched in the head for a living."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I swallowed a bottle of food coloring. I'm ok, I just dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were. I said, \"Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A software tester walks into a bar Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding. The citizens of Cairo are still in denial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and is more fun if it vibrates? .................. A toothbrush. Come on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you here about the fight on the stairs at the shopping mall? Apparently it escalated quickly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business The steaks are high"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane It was my phyto-flight response"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife : How dare you saved my mobile number as Covid 19 Husband : Because you take my breath away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do crabs never share their lobsters? They're shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts go to the pub? For boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons? A: Because they often have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn't the \"roof\" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He's guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just nicknamed my new phone \"Titanic\" so whenever it's charging I can say \"the Titanic is synching.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it...  Lunch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if she wanted to play twister. She said her schedule was flexible enough"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Some tosser has taken the appendix out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a vegetarian zombie say? Grains! Grains!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Popeye like his martini prepared? One Olive on the rocks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they beat the room for being black."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic>Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can we stop the conspiracy theories on Epstein's death? It was a normal suicide, because he had nothing to live for. \"This post is supported and paid for by the Clinton Foundation\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Norwegian naval ships all have large bar codes painted on their hulls... So when they return to port a sailor can scan da navy in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do K-pop fans suffer from flashbacks after traumatic events? Because they have BTSD."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between roadkill and a viola in the middle of the road? There are skid marks leading up to the roadkill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold. I just heard the President likes gold in showers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me...” So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. ~Rodney Dangerfield"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the knight say to the turnip? Begone, foul beet!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a freshly made pizza and a hungry jungle tiger? One tastes delicious to you and you taste delicious to one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a question about cow tipping. Is 15% enough?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elements work out? The oxygym"}
{"character": "random", "line": "7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever. It's all water under the bridge now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated eating my greens in school when I was a kid They always tasted worse than the other crayons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cows are standing in a field... Two cows are standing in a field, One turns to the other and says, “Did you hear about the Mad Cow Disease going around the farm?” The other cow responds, “Good thing I’m a helicopter.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the magical gorilla taking ceramics class at Hogwarts? It's a Hairy Potter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What form of art is very popular among college kids? Ramen doodles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says \"did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?\" The fellow turns to him and says \"have you tried mouthwash?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage. The judge threw it out because we had no case"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s not a good idea to have a horse as a pet if you live in a city. They need to grow up ..in a stable environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried. I mean, what are you Goya do about it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed. so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl, are you the secant of angle Z? Cuz you sure are sec(Z)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college? About thirty thousand dollars a year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy was running around trying to determine the source of physicians' flatulence He was only following doctors odors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a ghost do when it gets upset? Loses its sheet!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why jehovas witnesses buildings don't have windows? Its so God can't see what they're doing in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to record a video of me playing the violin but... I didn't want to fiddle with the camera"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish all other languages were deemed un-finnished"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brain is like an F-22 Raptor Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the library... Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a bunch of ghosts slime the same person? Boo-kkake!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the American temperature doctor? His degree was in Fahrenheit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD They're calling it AD4K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it. You can say I'm agnocchic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first day of school, I signed up for Math, English, Science and Geography.. The rest, as they say, is History"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said: I only have my shelf to blame."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unexpected She: Why is your shirt smudged with ink blots?He: I refilled a printer cartridge at work today.Octopus under their bed: *whispers* Tell her about us, you chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Waiter, why do I have a hearing aid in my soup?\" “Excuse me, what?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m Out Of Jail, I Can Honestly Say It Was Worth It!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who Did Fonzie call when his motorcycle broke down? Triple Ayyy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is 'The Vampire Diaries' even a good show? I heard the Characters suck a lot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes. ............Onlyfans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Indian woman say to her car when she locked it up for the night? Tata"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag? \"No thanks, I'm traveling light!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that new band Plastic? They mostly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? A: \"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment. They are already experts at recycling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir\" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine asked what my IQ was... I told him it was 60. He was pretty shocked, but I'm not worried. I was tested in Celsius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Circumcision jobs don't pay much But you get to keep the tips"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a COVID denier Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the worst name for a hair salon? Budget Cuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Willow Smith to her friends: \"Sorry girls, I can't get jiggy with y'all tonight. My dad said, 'Na na na na nana na'\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the governor of Texas and a neanderthal? Neanderthal evolved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cartoon character curses the most? The Road Runner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm trying to get my aunt and uncle to buy a donkey... But I don't wanna be an ass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK After,  Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium.  That was an OMg moment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one shovel say to the other during a recurring fight? Can we just bury this?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call President Trump, unconscious on the floor of the Oval Office? Not an ambulance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Hitler mad when Germany lost the war? He did Nazi it coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality? Don’t ask Donatello"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix human DNA and Gorilla DNA? Kicked out of the zoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dr Ian Malcolm isn't sure how to fit his favorite cereal in the grocery cart But Life finds a way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my brother have quite the connection together We're siamese twinsNote: I am actually not a siamese twin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?... He was a gluten for punishmentSorry if this offends anyone with gluten issues. Our son can't have gluten right now, so this joke came to me while I was toasting him some gluten-free bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old niece told me this one. What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?(•_•)( •_•)>⌐■-■(⌐■_■)An investigator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist They said it wasn’t fair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/Jokes, but today she is absent. So a subreddit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hired a new driver last month... He always goes the extra mile.I need a new driver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. You start with a diamond and heart and you end with a club and spade."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my Covid shot today. I feel fine, except... I have this strange urge to change my browser to Edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't McDonald's serve gourmet food? Because that would be a McSteak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials. I guess they don’t meet the koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents  50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his \"Quote of the Day\" from that memorable event: \"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water? Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how the ninja turtles wear masks Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a film director that has crabs? Alfred Itchcock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frog parks illegally? They get toad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is arguing and breaking up And he says:- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point. She was shocked I wasn’t a period."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a quantum observation theory where only police have consciousness cop didn't see it I didn't do it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Sodium say to Bromine and Oxygen when they offered a threesome? NaBrO"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.(heard on a Twitch stream today)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a kid I got no respect , I played hide and seek They wouldn't even look for me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can produce silver just by sniffing. Smelt it with my own nose. **I'll show myself out**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between jelly and jam? I've never gotten stuck in a traffic jelly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was that bad in geography That I couldn't even find the class."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here’s Something weird about the English language Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in GSpoiler it’s a joke Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my test results back. Turns out I was dangerously low on magnesium and potassium. 0MG 0K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is a magician. He can turn a Bud Light into domestic violence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad if he could put the cat out. He replied, \"I didn't know it was on fire.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A nurse told me, \"Sorry for the wait!\" I replied, \"It's alright, I'm patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you tell dad jokes until you have kids? It's a faux pas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few climate models are now predicting an unprecedented and alarming spike in temperatures — perhaps as much as 5 degrees Celsius Now those must be some hot models."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Grandmother Asks His Grandson: Hey, what is the name of that german guy that always hides my stuff? Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the average American so stupid? Because they keep shooting the ones that go to school..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball.. It was a lovely service.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to? Royalty Free Music"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the least stable element? Pandemonium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What side of the earth were Europeans best at exploring? Genocide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dog sit in the shade? It didn’t want to be a hot dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think.. ...You shellfish bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I learnt a boring fact about Kamikaze Its just plain suicide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a new drink. Ginger beer and Jack Daniel's. I call it the Stormy Daniel's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provalone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say... I've never felt more at home.(Credit: Celia Pacquola)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I helped my uncle jack off a horse My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you buy unlimited kid's toys? Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart. And then another...And then another...Add infant item"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why twins are sexual deviants? They cum in pears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new game called \"Silent Tennis.\" It's like regular Tennis, but without the racquet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid They give us Nickelback"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself...\" \"... the nurse does it for me.\"\"I understand stand sir, but this is a sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mosquito bit my balls last night Got my balls sucked,later virgins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone: I'm afraid of Grease- Summer Nights. Therapist: Tell me more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me: \"would you sell me for a million dollars?!?\" I said \"never in a million billion years!!\"He asked \"what about 2 million\"I said \"are you kidding me?!? In this economy? Sorry little man\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad” And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares” “I think you misunderstood me”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A thief was arrested for stealing the world’s finest perfume. It was a *fragrant violation* of the law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before A rare moment of shelf discovery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the average temperature in China? 451° F"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hurricane Harvey is no joke. https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793To find out how to help, follow the link above."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab? A cop ejects shells much more often"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said I don't know, it happened so fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teacher asked her students. \"What does the little chicken give you?\"The students replied, \"Eggs\"\"What does the round pig give you?\"\"Bacon\"\"What does the fat cow give you?\"\"Homework\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, Reddit! Here's one about cats: why did the mother cat move her kittens? She didn't want to litter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time. I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe? Because only Siths deal in Absolut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the human population held hands around the equator... A significant portion of them would drown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently... ...I couldn't tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby in full plate armor? *Infantry*Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I often get asked what it's like to work as both a writer and a scammer... I just say that it has its own Prose and Cons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!” I said “Well which one are ya then?!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I drink food coloring, I dye a little on the inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If your man comes home late at night smelling of strange perfume... You're probably getting perfume for Christmas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't British people pronounce the letter 't'? Because the Americans threw it in the ocean.ALTERNATE punchline: Because they drank it all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog for a walk in the park, he gets attacked by all of the ducks there. Thats what I get for having a pure bread dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a polar bear's favorite food? (Multi-questioned) ICE-cream! -What is a black bear's favorite food? Blackberries! -What is a grizzly bear's favorite food? Campers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sleazy stripper runs for governor After a controversial ballot, the stripper wins despite never having a lead the whole race. Many people suspect they rigged the erection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?\" \"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs.\"\"Why the two dogs?\" \"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, \"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, \"Can't you just use a sponge?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never kiss anyone on January 1st because it's only the first date."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'd just let it go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A vel-crow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me... I died of Dissin'-Terry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ruth just dumped me. Told me I was too uptight. Well, now I'm Ruthless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with a drinking problem? Hepatosaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "3\" , 6\", & 9\" are which Shakespeare plays? Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of trails does a crazy person travel? Psychopaths. (I hate myself)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im so sorry internet Whats the differance between being hungry and hornyDepends where the cucumber goes!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the golf match between the black golfer and white golfer from South Africa? Birdie on the last hole would have won the match for the black golfer, but a par tied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla.... How shitty of a parent are you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you prevent murders? Use a scarecrow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone called me lazy today I almost replied..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I take my time while putting toppings on my hotdogs. I choose to relish the moment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 words, 17 letters. Say it, and I'm yours. Omelette du Fromage"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?\" A friend of ours: \"I vould push it three times\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During lock-down I have mastered jigsaw puzzles. I have just completed my first one in just over 10 and a half weeks.I feel so proud of myself, on the box it says 5 to 6 years."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent. His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the stingy schizophrenic finally come to realize after years of therapy? That Sharon is Karen..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV? Nut-flix!A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon? The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 8 year old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he'd been beaten up. I'm so proud of him, he's going to be in the Premier League one day :')"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water? Stew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity. The river sticks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Michael Avenatti is no longer representing Stormy Daniels In other words - he pulled out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar. And all of Reddit gave it an upvote."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a squashed bee? A was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover? I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up I always see Himalayan there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last week, I met a Genie who said he’d grant me one wish, I only had 3 choices:First was a better memory. Second was a larger penis. Third was… well I can’t remember what the third choice was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dragon would never explode But a dino might"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the egg say to the frying pan? I’m sorry I can’t get hard... I just got laid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The price of lumber has gone up so much... That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new job at the prison library It has its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Toys-R-Us sells toys Then Babies-R-Us must sell babies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert De Niro has six children, That’s mucho de niro."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make Indian sourdough But that was a naan starter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL there more slugs in the world than snails because slugs... ...don't wear protection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was locked out of his apartment He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock...Because end of the day, communication is key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how the ninja turtles wear masks Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot. I asked him \"what the fuck did you do that for?\"He replied \"I'm sick to death of him following me around all day\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of auto-correct died recently May he restraunt in peice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, \"Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel.\"The patient says, \"My name isn't Daniel.\"The doctor says, \"Mine is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a country that's ruled by a lion, a witch and a wardrobe? a banarnia republic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The birthday dragon tried to blow the candles for the 254th time. Btw the party was on fire. We had a blast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It's my new years resolution."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? \"Supplies!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A nurse told me, \"Sorry for the wait!\" I replied, \"It's alright, I'm patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain... It was from ancient Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I told my parents that I'd lost all of my senses except hearing and taste, they kicked me out They won't support me now that they know I'm bisensual"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People claim ghosts are real... But I’ve lived in this house for 527 years and I’ve never seen one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For centuries, scientists said “Drake and Josh” couldn’t come to Hulu or Netflix But they found a way, they found a way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabba Ghoul"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the name of the physician who could smell the future? NostrildamusI made it myself and was proud enough to post it! :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub? Coz of the amount of reused content here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I often get asked what it's like to work as both a writer and a scammer... I just say that it has its own Prose and Cons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried marrying a melon... But apparently we cantaloupe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met an Australian network engineer I asked him \"do you come from a LAN down under?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an \"Original Content\" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an \"Original Content\" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wanted to exchange his hourglass for my globe. But I would never trade the world for more time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis. So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he \"hunts tigers in Africa.\" When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies \"that's because I do my job\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond. That’s a lot of pressure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room? You washer and dryer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "And the first prize is [drum roll]: One night with Donald Trump. Second prize is two nights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A russian bear, a chinese bear and an american bear walk into a bar... ...They kill the bartender.  I mean what else would a bear do?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my niece ask me where babies come from, I told her that they come from the stork She then looked at me puzzled and asked, \"who fucked the stork.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between select and choose? Select means to pick something, choose are what Puero Ricans wear on their feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after Now it smells like shit-rus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla? People actually care if a gorilla dies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance  Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about China's new space program? I hear it's going to be a Long March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in front of a grocery story, some guy came up to me. He said \"Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?\" I said \"Absolutely.\" So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend says to me: \"What rhymes with silver\" I said \"No it doesn't\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread? Cut the ends and you will have endless bread"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother said, \"You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate.\" I told her, \"Oh yea... Just you wait.\"Edit: She didn't believe in me but thanks to you guys and your amazing support, I can tell her to piss off cause I made something of myself. I'm front page famous. Well... Not right now but I will!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the network engineer give to his fiancée? A token ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the doe say when she came out of the forest? I'll never do that for two bucks again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Miss piggy has filed for divorce from Kermit the frog... ...cause Kermit converted to Judaism and can no longer eat pork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went for a job as a contortionist... They asked, \"How flexible are you?\"I said, \"Well! I can't do Thursdays.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there was a humvee crash at the Pentagon today. The driver ran into a popcorn cart. There were two colonels crushed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a baby last night. I woke up periodically, screaming in terror and confusion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a sex-ed class, the teacher asked me,\"What was missing in your first sexual experience?\" Apparently, my answer \"Consent\" was wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor says to a lawyer \"There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork\" The lawyer responds \"And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son tried riding his bike without training wheels today and the bike kept falling... I guess you could say it was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I retired from rock drumming, but now I'm back! Repercussions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are the bathrooms so quiet at Pfizer headquarters? ....Because the P is silent.   (a 12 year old told me this after I got my Pfizer vaccine)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robin hood gave a poor man a bag of gold “Here, poor man,” Robin hood smiled. “Take this bag of gold, I took it from a rich man.”“Thank you so much!” The man said as he got a little teary. “Now I’m rich!”Robin hood turned back to the man. “You’re what?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to my local library to look for a book on small penises With not alot of luck I decided to ask the librarian - \"Have you seen the book about small penises?\" she replied \"It isn't in yet\" I said \"Yeah, that's the one!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my niece to the zoo the other day... The only animal there was a small, scruffy looking dog.I called the zookeeper over. \"What's with the scruffy old dog? Why is that the only animal?\"\"It's a Shih-Tzu\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus... But graphing is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it's pretty handy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument do skeletons play in the band? A sax-a-bone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough. You make me sick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss fired me. \"Why?\" I asked.He said, \"You always question authority.\"  I said, \"How?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts I'm going to call it leave me the fuh cologne"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It is good for a man to meet a girl in a park It is even better for him to park his meat in a girl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Young Arnold Schwarzenegger is selected to play a horse in his school play with another kid The costume consists of two parts. The front part and the rear. So the kid says: \"Ok Arnold, I'll be the front.\"So Arnold agrees and says: \"I'll be back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says \"i wish I could do that\" To which John replies \"probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to know a fun fact about my social security number? It's long and unique, unlike my penis. But like my penis, has never been used by anyone else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The spread of the Coronavirus is based on two factors 1. How dense the population is2. How dense the population is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recent cyber security breaches are discovered due to their rapid deployment. The hackers are always Russian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My least favorite food? Sausage, specifically from Germany.They're the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I discovered a new letter of the alphabet But it's hard to type"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 5th month of every year, my aunt let's her pigs in the field.... It's mayham!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors \"No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!\" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in The lemon-limelight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall... and asks his dad for forty dollars.\"Thirty dollars?\" he replies. \"What do you need twenty dollars for?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?” I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sliced loaf say to the uncliced loaf? OK bloomer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset. Frankly, it's not her bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just formed a grunge band and named it \"1023 Megabytes\" ... haven't gotten a gig yet though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do turtles eat? Plastic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period \"Take some more\", I told him. \"You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "OBSERVATION Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?” So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ? Wife eye connection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local cemetery is working to resell mine and my wife’s burial plots to a new buyer... We’re in grave danger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, \"It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor.\"Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Barack propose to Michelle? He got down on one knee and said, \"I don't wanna be Obama self.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a dollar for every time I didn't know what was going on... I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A termite walks into a bar and says... 'Where is the bar tended?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, do you know why it's so dark out? No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Mommy, why is some of your hair white?” “Well, you see my child,” says the mom.“Every time you make me sad, one hair turns white.”“Oh really mommy,” exclaims the daughter.“So then what did you do to grandma?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry? Because calcium helps build trombones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces. Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:If you’re arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a few too many drinks in a restaurant the other night, went to the bathroom and wound up accidentally peeing in the sink instead of the urinal.. At least I think I did. It was hard to concentrate with all those angry women yelling at me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief... Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The problem with quotes on the Internet... is that it is hard to verify their authenticity.\"\\~ Abraham Lincoln"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I made the mistake of masturbating without a tissue or a sock nearby I should have known that would cum in handy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a little kid, I thought \"This little piggy went to market.\" meant it went shopping. It does not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does an Italian win an award in television? He has to rigatoni"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a cow that does somewhat decent on an exam? Medium well done.Side joke: It made very few mis steaks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture..... But when I got home, the tables were turned"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the store to buy a Kinder Surprise, but they'd sold out... No bueno"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no nose? Nobody knows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer's wife said \"300 times, isn't that wonderful dear?  Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how.\"  Farmer said \"Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does Freddie know how to play guitar? No, but Brian may"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury. But by tomorrow I should be fine again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a ghost poop? A spookie dookie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby. Or at least that's what my mailman said"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do TV-detectives hate round buildings? The solution is always right around the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but ... I have a sore throat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches call their garage? A broom closet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the man fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't working with enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Siri,\" I asked my phone, \"why am I so bad with women? She responded, \"I'm Bixby, you moron.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL there are over 20,000 battered women in the U.S. everyday... I don't know if I can ever go back to eating them plain..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live? The writers' block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common... The last picture of the Titanic was in Black&White, so was the last picture of the Maple Leafs with the Stanley Cup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I let my goats get whatever they want, they are spoiled rotten I guess you could say I have a bleeting heart"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, \"Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!\" His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Short Chemistry Joke For You All What are the elements of life?Lithium and Iron"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time is it? I don't know... it keeps changing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why we rarely see male live streaming masturbation like camgirls? Because the stream ends in 2 minutes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background? I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan Dr.: No"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob: Waiter, would you please come here? Waiter: Yes sir, how may I help you?  Bob: Try the soup  Waiter: Is there something wrong sir? Because if so, we can replace the soup    Bob: Just try it   Waiter: Okay, where's the spoon?   Bob: Exactly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hotel Porn I'm a modest man. I checked into my hotel recently and told the lady at the registration desk, \"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.\" She replied, \"No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war? You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Drake doing on his birthday? An 18 year old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 9 year old.... ...is yelling at me, \"Hey dad, look at me! Im a 3D printer!\"I respond \"Close the bathroom door, son!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with \"disappearing ink\" a hoax."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guess how i escaped Iraq.. IranSYRIASLY"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Trump wanted to avoid impeachment... ...he should’ve falsely claimed there were WMDs in Iraq"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A car thief gets brought before the judge Judge: Why did you steel the car?Thief: I had to get to work.Judge: And why didn't you take the bus instead?Thief: I've got no licence for driving a bus.(English is not my first language and I am on mobile)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy. She urned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a camels favourite meal? Desert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal. >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!<  >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Let!< >!You!< >... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little boy runs to his mother yelling \"Mommy, dad hung himself in the bathroom!\" Panicked mom runs to the bathroom only to see it's empty. \"Haha Aprli Fools!\" laughs the boy \"He hung himself in the basement.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always tip my waiter. He always looks so surprised when he hits the floor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Because the Hurricane Made Landfall at Night... ...does that make it Florence Night-in Gale?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been falling asleep listening to comedy specials and I don't think it's good for my health Because I keep feeling funny in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I performed an opening one night for a surgeon, really funny guy They kicked me out of the hospital and called the cops"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got ripped off at the amusement park. A guy sold me tickets to the ferrous wheel. Turns out it’s made of aluminium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s? Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?God: Of course, what else?Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?Gabriel: YesGod: Well, shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke my 12 year old son made up: What do you call it when you throw Mexican food at high velocity? Fa-yeet-a"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats a pacifist favorite food? Peas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars. However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a queue of cats at the bank? A feline"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have the best idea to tackle over-population Send your kids after John Wick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Testing makeup on animals is WRONG... They are cute enough already.^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality. \"Hi, so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality, I'm dad.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop. The steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents are divorced, and my dad took it kinda hard I once asked him for an xbox, and he handed me a container of my mom's stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Snow isn't a problem in the Middle East ...but ISIS"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to my local library to look for a book on small penises With not alot of luck I decided to ask the librarian - \"Have you seen the book about small penises?\" she replied \"It isn't in yet\" I said \"Yeah, that's the one!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON” The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's good thing tall people like me don't grow on trees friend: too bad shorter people could use the shade!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went into my local book store and asked if they had any books on turtles. \" Hard back\"? Asked the worker\" yes \" I replied \" with little heads \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage Kid: Why did you do that dad?Dad: So you won't get bored there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins? Society"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My pet baby shark said his first words, he said.. Da da, da da"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall' to her. I said \"Maybe...\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, \"That's arson.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did ancient Grecians get memorialized? They had to urn it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty. “What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.      “Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anytime I ask a girl with a boyfriend to watch my favorite movie with her, she always ends up being a Liam Neeson fan “No, Taken”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got vaccinated today It was one of those drive thru deals where you don’t leave your car. Right before the nurse injects me she says “little prick”. So I called her a fat bitch and drove off. What’s wrong with people these days?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im so sorry internet Whats the differance between being hungry and hornyDepends where the cucumber goes!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 2 lambs dating? A relationSHEEP."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk with a COVID denier with an Ouija board"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the soldier blow himself up when he found out about exploding devices He wanted to C4 himself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kidnapper? Do you mean... Illegal guardian? (I’ll see myself out)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People not wanting to wearing masks is natural. Natural selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear... I overheard him telling his colleague that I had \"Serious healthy shoes\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says \"i wish I could do that\" To which John replies \"probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight on Thursday Night Football, the stadium was 25% full of fans. Turns out they didn’t actually have any Covid policies in place. That’s just the kind of turnout you get when it’s the Bengals and the Browns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when one plate goes on top of another? You get an earthquake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mark and his friend Michelle go to a costume party. When they show up Michelle is clinging to Mark's back. Someone greets them and asks what they're supposed to be. Mark says that he's a snail. The other guy asks \"who's on your back?\" Mark replies \"Michelle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Darth Vader's breathing sound so angry? He is just venting..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Forgot the tree this year, so I'm putting up a 6 foot, tinsel covered Tampon. Just for the festive period."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife? A knife has a point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my niece has a burgeoning slip 'n slide addiction Once you go down one, it's just a slippery slope."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a racing snail I bought a racing snail but it kept losing. In desperation I removed it's shell, thinking it would be lighter and faster.It didn't work, it became more sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Come on Nancy Pelosi.. you can't just rip one on live television like that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant It's a real game changer..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event. Authorities believe it to be race-related."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys are walking down the street when a thug lunges from an alley and points a gun at them... \"Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!\" the thug says.Bill says, \"Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the staircase say when I climbed it? Nothing.It just staired.  (Actually kind of proud of this one, entirely original dad joke)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steam isn’t a Jihadi’s favourite state of water. Ice is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky  A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa 1. You believe in Santa.2. You don't believe in Santa.3. You are Santa.4. You look like Santa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if a writer drinks too much and writes too little? His iron-y becomes rust-y"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started playing tennis recently. on the first day I had to tell my tennis partner \"I can't grasp these balls\" he asked why not. I said \"I'm used to holding a shuttle cock\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a printer nicknamed Bob Marley Because it's always Jammin'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one... When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mark and his wife were driving along a country road. They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. \"Relatives of yours?\", asked Mark sarcastically.\"Yes,\" she replied. \"My in-laws.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a ghost say when he doesn’t believe you? Ghoulshit!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has 125 teeth and prevents a savage beast from escaping? My zipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pencil Box Kingdom Who's the king of the pencil box?The ruler.What's the kingdom's most important discovery?Pencillin.What is the national sport?Erasing.What's the national motto?Keep calm, Crayon.Who are their discriminated minority?The whites.... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can’t jump"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play The orcana"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it easy to accidentally walk in on the White House Press Secretary while she is in the bathroom? The P is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*At my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* \"Who's thinking outside the box now Karin?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would appreciate it if we stopped posting Holocaust Jokes. They're not funny, witty, or humorous. My Grandpa died in the Holocaust He fell off the Guard Tower"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists have finally named the 119th element! The new official name is “Astonishium”. It seems they have discovered the element of surprise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trumpty Dumpty Trumpty Dumpty promised a wallTrumpty Dumpty had a great fallAll the golf courses and all the white menCouldn't Make America Great Again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about VR for Cows? In Russia they are using Virtual reality to enhance cows moods and increase milk production. On theose cold dreary days the put the VR headset on them and show them summer pastures.You could say it is a mooood enhancer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bolt say to the nut? \"Washer? I don't even know 'er!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please! I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Friend: \"Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?\" Me: \"Brochure\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Siri,\" I asked my phone, \"why am I so bad with women? She responded, \"I'm Bixby, you moron.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they're out of pasta, and we're penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay! Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the two biggest differences between an alligator and a crocodile? The spelling and pronunciation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lazy people fact #2048290320389220192842991 You were too lazy to read that number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, \"wanna hear a joke?\" The second dog says \"sure!\" The first dog says \"knock knock.\" The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle I rode on, ruthlessly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why’d the blonde math major only apply to colleges in South Africa? She wanted to attend a party school where she couldn’t fail at integrating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”... ...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A news chain started asking people what's their opinion on a food shortage around the world The venezuelans asked what food isThe Europeans asked what shortage isThe americans asked what the rest of the world is The chinese asked what an opinion is, then got arrested for asking too many questions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said to me \"what rimes with orange?\" And I said \"No it doesn't.\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted earth. They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message: *Hello people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which country's capital has the fastest growing population? Ireland. Everday it's Dublin.\\*Idk if this has been on here yet. My co worker told me this and I about had a stroke.\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success. Apparently, they don't give a shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil I wouldn't pay 200 dollars to have a lentil on my face"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife keeps telling me that soup is better with flavour cubes. I don’t put too much stock in that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dentist say when he was being prosecuted in court? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TOOTH!!!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. And probably only a fraction of people will find this funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called a suicide support line in the middle east They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a cop, \"You know what my toddler's favourite type of scotch is?\" He frowned. \"What is it?\"\"Hopscotch,\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home? The Seizure salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW?] A kid rabbit came back from school looking very happy. Father Rabbit: Why does Junior look so happy today?Mother Rabbit: Because they taught the students how to multiply."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke from Slovakia The earlier post reminded me of a joke my brother saw in a newspaper when he lived in Bratislava.Two guys are sitting on a couch watching television.Buddy: Hey, do you know how to play the piano?Guy: I don't know, I've never tried!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to audio files say hi to one another? They just .wav"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library, asks the librarian, \"Do you have the new book on living life with a small penis?\" She searches her computer and says, \"I Don't See Anything, I Don't Think Its In Yet.\"The man says, \"Yes, that's the one!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. \"Pete darling,\" she breathed, \"I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government.\" \"Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?\" answered Peter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones.. ..they make me feel even number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops? Demeter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found an old violin and a painting in the attic. The antique dealer said, \"The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I feel so self-conscious when I'm at home It's difficult dealing with all the *stairs*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Only Idea Flat-Earthers Fear Is Sphere, Itself.my favorite joke ive ever created... and the only one..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a random selection of sailors? A seamen sample"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my job at the bank Turns out you're not supposed to push customers if they ask you to check their balance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a hedge fund manager's work to punch him in the face And order a McDouble"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A biology teacher runs into a bank holding a flower. He says \"Everybody on the ground, I have a pistil!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my second shot now..... Waiting for the bartender to come back so that I can have a third shot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars. A question mark walks into a bar?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to climb up some house plans. My dad yelled, “get down from there” “Those plans are not to scale!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat... ... and then blame it on the boyfriendCredits ~ Anthony Jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity. \"It's because I gave up sex,\" he said.\"When did you give up sex?\" asked the reporter.\"Just about fifteen years ago.\"\"I see,\" said the reporter.  \"And why did you give up sex?\"\"I had to.  I like older women and there weren't any more left!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,Fred Flintstein replied: \"A dab o' ABBA doo.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a Fly Fishing tournament ? Live stream"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”“Vladimir Putin”“Country of Origin?”“Russia”“Occupation?”“No, no. Just visiting.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the fork go to the party? It wanted to have a good tine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a teenage kitchen basin at your front door selling water from the fountain of youth Let that sink in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file. I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is a weather forecaster... A guy called up asking if the coast was clear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey...but then I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do ghosts search the web? They use ghoul-gle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn't too sure about that but I could do a wicked \"Bohemian Rhapsody.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you slap Dwayne Johnsons butt... You officially hit rock bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snowman say to the hipster? Man, I thought I was white"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell if someone is a Trump supporter? If their hat, shirt, bumper sticker, four flags on their car, license plate, the seven flags outside their house, and their personality doesn't tell you, I don't know what to say."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I uploaded a picture of our newborn baby to Facebook. I probably should have cropped out my wife's vagina."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You hear about the girl-ghost who got accused of getting breast implants? So rude. Everyone knows she’s got super-naturals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the profession of the handsomest atoms? They're atomic models"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible. Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple, but it was just a pigment of my imagination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier. \"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a good book and an old dog have in common? You can’t put it down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Introvert and the bank So an introvert goes into a bank and decides they need some money. Hesitantly, they walk to the counter. After the teller greets them they immediately respond with, \"Hi, can you leave me a loan?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Irish armchair? Patty O'Furniture"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the longest word in the English language? \"smiles\"...The first and last letters are a mile apart"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fight with my erection this morning I beat it single handedly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to? Royalty Free Music"}
{"character": "random", "line": "$50k in hair extentions was stolen from a downtown hair salon, Police are still combing the area for clues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I take my time while putting toppings on my hotdogs. I choose to relish the moment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got scammed by an Irish cat, but I should have known.. It was your classic Leopard con"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a female crab who is also single? Miss. Shell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Reverend Rabbit say before blessing his meal ? Lettuce Pray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you don't have a lot of work experience, but you have a lot of ex-girlfriends \"Progressive problem solving skills in an increasingly difficult work environment, with ever increasing productivity goals, only for the company to downsize and lay you off because 'it wasn't you, it was me' reasons.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram."}
{"character": "random", "line": "97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact. The rest of them are in North America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is P0rnhubs number 1 user Darth Maul? (I’m gonna get banned for this) Because he’s really horny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made? He uses polar coordinates!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan It's non-stick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't quite get my girlfriend's complaints about my passion for Grease songs... So I asked her to tell me more, tell me more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What noise does a dead giraffe make? *thud*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, \"Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back.\" Me: Yes that's the one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the road made of body parts? They call it the Organ Trail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "practicing with the violin A little boy goes to his weekly violin lesson, but when he opens the violin case he blurts out a curse, and slams the case shut again. \"What's wrong?\" asks the teacher.\"It seems my father is going to rob the bank with my violin\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight on Thursday Night Football, the stadium was 25% full of fans. Turns out they didn’t actually have any Covid policies in place. That’s just the kind of turnout you get when it’s the Bengals and the Browns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a light bulb and pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying. It means 75% of them are running around untreated!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's dead, brown, and covered in sand? Shamima Begum's kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Old McDonald's farm and an old Asian women's closet have in common? There's a muumuu here, a muumuu there...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat An aerial view of a toilet lid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an epileptic's favorite starter? Seizure salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float. Needless to say, it was soup rising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth. When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, \"Not very well. It all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks \"Occupation?\" \"No, just visiting.\" Said the guy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a Pirate's least favorite letter? A copyright infringement notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Donald Trump say to the cow? Fake moos!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music. He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies? He becomes a ghost-ghost writerOr...Drake's career ends either of the two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well,would you? If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do squirrels live in trees? Because they’re fucking nuts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bank He's wearing a mask goes up to counter and makes a finger gun symbolThe clerk asks him still in shock 'i- i- is- this a stick up'The man looks at the ground and goes 'No!, I forgot my gun this is a fuck up'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad gets mom a cake for her birthday every year But for Mother’s Day he gives her a cream pie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Special glove I can count on one hand the number of extra fingers I have."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Holding a step ladder) \"This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The surgeon's first circumcision was tricky. Eventually, the surgeon managed to pull it off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you tell Drake if he says something stupid? Ok groomer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the man at the cookout so happy? He met the grill of his dreams."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through They use the same idea to make mobile game ads"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it? To put all its nuclear fission."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left... ...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a frozen pair of panties, once it defrosts?! THAWNG."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen. But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do bus drivers put on their morning pancakes? Traffic jam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I was laying in bed naked with my girlfriend when she started to cough. She told me she might need to get tested for Covid.  I pulled the covers over her head, then I farted.She goes \"ewwww, that stinks.  Oh my God I can taste it!!!\".Then I pulled the covers off of her and said \"Congratulations. You don't  have Covid\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ... Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus. So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the forest floor covered in leaf litter? Because nature abhors a vacuum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mum said to me, \"can you please pass me a book mark?\" Absolutely broken.  25 years old and she doesn't know my name is Scott."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer? Depends what you smoke.(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still don't see why Daniel Radcliffe was cast for Now You See Me 2. I just can't see him as a magician."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Indian man walk into a bar.. Let's wait for him..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an alternate universe, Shakespeare’s writings are the easiest to understand But basic dialogue... is for prose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me (a Mexican): Oh shit, the printer says no papers Coworker (also Mexican): Oh shit, Donald Trump is gonna get mad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \\*Whispering into phone\\* The leopard's escaped again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ducks make great detectives? They always quack the case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An 80 year old man walks into the doctor's office After the examination, the doctor says: \"Sir, you have to give blood, feces, urine and if possible sperm for tests.\" The man replied: \"Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa? Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was told I make \"too many jokes\" about my self, and that the value of my humor is \"depreciating\" I said \"it's pronounced deprecating\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A daughter asks her father how he left the middle east. I ran."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An alligator and crocodile both walk into a bar. Sitting next to each other, they both order the same drink. The alligator spits out his drink claiming it to be disgusting. The crocodile looks at him claiming it isn't that bad. The alligator looks at the crocodile and simply says one thing: \"Well that's a croc.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: \"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son.\" The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: \"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Abraa Kadabra! Expelliarnos! Stoopify! Wingardian Levioseaa! Loomos! Expecto Patrones! I'm sorry, it seems my spell-check isn't working."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which operating system does Varys run his spy network on? Unix; it was decided for him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I see the new Ford Bronco is coming out soon. I bet the glove compartment is absolutely killer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the wind turbine say to Lady Gaga? I'm a HUGE fan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Jewish man make grain into beer? Hebrew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does China keep their political prisoners? Wontonamo Bay"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been watching far too much television lately. My dreams have adverts in them now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you know that Mortal Kombat was based on a Scandinavian song? Son: Wait, really?Dad: Yes, a Finnish hymn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845 One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world. For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Hispanic man keep purchasing trains? I'm not quite sure myself honestly but he has to have some sort of locomotive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you file your nails? I throw mine away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eve eating the apple marked.. .. the first time when Artificial Intelligence got out of its creator's control."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cat says meow, a dog says woof. What does a hippo say? \"Gimme your marbles!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having an argument with the wife and she said \" When i married you, i thought ypu where brave\"..... And i said \"So did i all my friends\"..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat just passed... RIP Fluffy McMittens  2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2017"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Bernie Sanders stay so slim? Inter-mitten fasting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the ghost sad on Christmas Day? Because he had no presence....sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error. And now we have a virus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year's Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it's as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald, duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man bought an olympic condom pack Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom packWife: huh, what is thatHusband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.Wife: Nah use the silver one.Husband: Why?Wife: You should come second for a change"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Common English Mistakes Common English Mistakes-mixing up there, their, and they're-using the wrong too, to, or two-putting commas in the wrong place-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches-using apostrophes for plurals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the man get for losing the most amount of muscle? Atrophy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you save money on cat food? By buying bird seed instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was never a very good waiter. On my first day, two ladies came in and ordered: First lady: \"I'll have a garden salad please\"Second lady: \"Caesar salad for me please\"So I brought the first lady her garden salad, then seized it and gave it to the second lady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account. If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the butcher say to do incase there was a fire? Grab your meat and beat it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell of a cliff? Because she was wearing her mittens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all. Just a little food for thot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA. Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary. High definition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear? Frowndation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer. Neurologist said it was all in my head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating is much easier since the lock down started. Zero effort."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the match factory burn down? Because the workers went on strikeI just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the opticians. She told me that I was color blind.Well I must say, that came right out of the purple."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than Empire State Building? Ofcourse ! The Empire State Building can't jump"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator It's not cool man"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the redneck drug addict get his crush to date him? It all started with\"I'd be dilaudid to have yew fer dinner\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a bank gets robbed by ghosts, then it’s a Polterheist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For how long since its discovery has Covid 19 been deadly? From right off the bat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a ghost cow say? “Moo” silly it’s still a cow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Dragonborn climb the 7000 steps? He wanted to see what all the Fus was about.(Credit to a youtube comment i saw)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business? The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer. “Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an authoritarian couch potato? A dictator tot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chuck Norris has a kitten Every night for a snack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says \"What are you supposed to be?\"The guy replies \"I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an insane crocodile in Mexico? Locodrilo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are no skeletons in my closet. The bodies haven't decomposed yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the rising sun say to the morning dew? You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently the first dog in space died of stress It was probably because of the vacuum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I opened up a summer camp for kids with adhd. Although I regret calling it a concentration camp."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad just told me that slumber prices are at an all-time-high! Seems his dream house is gonna to have to wait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was arrested while running in a wheat field. ..He was charged for going against the grain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a few too many drinks in a restaurant the other night, went to the bathroom and wound up accidentally peeing in the sink instead of the urinal.. At least I think I did. It was hard to concentrate with all those angry women yelling at me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest. Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my best teachers in high school was a turtle. I remember everything he tortoise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Python programmers have low self esteem? They're constantly comparing their self to other."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine how happy barn owls were .... when people finally started making barns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus? An ambulance you racist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't believe in astrology at all. But I am a scorpio, and we are all born skeptics."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman stops three guys on a motorcycle He asks them: \"Are you crazy? What the hell are three of you doing on such a small motorcycle!?\"One of the three guys replies: \"Three? OH SHIT GUYS, BOBBY FELL OUT!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.  Turns out it was a rubbish tip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad was washing his car with his son. After a while, the son finally asked \"Can't you just use the sponge?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a stoner do when he sees a space man? He parks in it, man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Hitler so surprised when he lost the war? Because he did Nazi it coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer have no money left? Someone cleaned out its cache!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do snails fight? They slug it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple? They're both red. Except for the green one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is like a loaf of bread... I eat the butt first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) a 1990 Kinsey Institute report states that 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism at least an occasional basis. That's a rough estimate"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they're making a low-budget version of Dunkirk? They're calling it Dunkirkland"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pear thats a dad? I don't really know but it should be apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend who used to live in russia became a father today. His son had a mutation of a sort that made him have 3 balls instead of 2. I immediately saw the opportunity and replied to him \"chernoballs\" .......he hates me nowJason im sorry if u read this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boy asks, \"Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD\" Granny replies, \"Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza? a crust station"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the giraffe say to the cat? Get the fuck off my tree"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest... I'm not a fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle just died. He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory. It was a terrible end but a lovely finish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. \"So, what do you do for work?\" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster.\" The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately. “Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you earn karma on March 14 (3/14) when it isn’t your cake day? Easy! Slice of pi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest... So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market? It's said to be cutting edge technology"}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "French fries are not made in France. They are actually made in Grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a scientist who wants equal rights for all elements? A chemenist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy tried to pick a flower [OC] the flower took a **pistil** and shot him in **style**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A secretary is helping her boss sort through job applications to pick a winner The first thing the boss does is close his eyes, pick out 5 at random, and throw them in the trash. Puzzled, the secretary asks \"why did you do that?\"The boss responds, \"I dont want to hire an unlucky person\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got out of an abusive relationship I'm glad, my hands were starting to hurt!  ^(Source: SrGrafo stream musings)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.” Thief: “You must really love your wife!”  Man: “No, but she  will be home shortly”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out about the second meaning of BBC.... Who cares about British television?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "No wonder hell finally froze over for the Cubs... ...because the devil left to be President"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten? The cat shat on the mat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather got me an IPad for my birthday. My so-so grandfather got me a pair of socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm down to eating only one meal per day. It's 56 courses and it takes me two days to finish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear caught in a rain shower. A drizzly bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sad news today, folks. Mr. Potato Head died. He had brain tubers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five... But he just left him hanging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mosquitoes What sound does an American mosquito make?BzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzWhat sound does a Canadian mosquito make?EhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women are responsible for roughly 45% of car accidents Which is pretty high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am very concerned about the environment One look and I can tell those trees are up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Hey Dad, I was outstanding at school today. Dad: Good to hear that. What did you do?Son: Our teacher caught me cheating on the quiz. She sent me out and ordered me to stand at the hallway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My life highlight was being crowned the hide and seek champion at my school, until they discovered I was cheating I peaked early."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics \"Miracle on Ice\" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that? He quaalluded with the Russians"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a new word. Plagiarism.--- EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a place to buy bootleg horror movies? A Spookeasy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anagram of \"mother in law\" Woman Hitler"}
{"character": "random", "line": "CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY... Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.Man who leaps off cliff jumps to ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Step 1. Burning bush Step 2. ????Step 3. PROPHET!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a dollar for every girl that thought I looked too fat, By now, they’d think I looked pretty good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was told I make \"too many jokes\" about my self, and that the value of my humor is \"depreciating\" I said \"it's pronounced deprecating\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of physicists held a beach party. They had fun so made it an annual event. It's becoming a really popular wave function."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What dinosaur can't you hear go to the bathroom? All of them, they're all dead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Have you heard about the pressure washer? Dad: \"have you heard about the pressure washer?\"Daughter: \"no.\"Dad: *rolls eyes* \"pshhhhhhhhhhhhh.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked Reddit to letter-grade my looks. Their opinions were wildly different. I was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the holiest chord to play? The G sus although most priests prefer A minor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, \"No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife laughed at me when I told her I could make a car out of macaroni. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic? It takes you back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cyber Monday is Ajit Pai’s favorite day of the year He loves to fuck people online"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the homicidal vegetarian say? I would kale for some salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jesus turns up at a stoning. And asks what the person is getting stoned for. “Adultery” is the response from the crowd. Jesus replied “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”A voice from the crowd replied “for fucks sake Jesus, you always want to go first!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pirates not know the alphabet? They always get stuck at \"C\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking. If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself? He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade? A huge rant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken gorilla? With a monkey wrench!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets ain't black Your mamma's chest, is as flat as her back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl, you got me so into outer space I can see my self in Uranus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Jesus say to the Turtle? Shellom Happy Easter!!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a classical composer use to carry his groceries? A Chopin cart"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get into a locked cemetery? With a skeleton key"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dumped a girl because she wouldn’t let me read poetry. Prose before hoes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK After,  Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium.  That was an OMg moment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually... It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm \"You're a blizzard, Harry\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he can print a Gun using his 3D Printer. I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, \"It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor.\"Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a triangle that got OWNED? A rectangle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch. Then a lady came by her and said, \"If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady.\"Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes. She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cowboy is riding across the plains when he sees an Indian on his knees with his head on the ground. The Indian looks up at him and says \"Many buffalo come\"The Cowboy asks \"Can you hear them?\"Then Indian says  \" No, ground sticky.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog just lazes around the house waiting for his next meal to be delivered. He's a Door Dash Hound"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a duck mating a pillow the other day... I guess it was DTF"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man on the street was trying to sell me a \"slightly used\" television... \"How can a television be slightly used?\" I inquired\"The old lady that owned it, she was blind in one eye.\" he said"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark? Do not eat if seal is broken"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If my coworker had a dollar for every time i made a sexist joke... She would have ¢0.77"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife really likes her Rampant Rabbit It's not her favourite sex toy, but it's definitely right up there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend is so sweet and loving, plus she plays in goal for the local football team She's a keeper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A biologist, a mathematician, and a physicist watch as two people enter an empty house and three people leave the house. The biologist says, \"They reproduced.\"The mathematician says, \"If one person enters the house, it will be empty again.\"The physicist says, \"At least one of our observations was incorrect.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but... Bella chooses Edward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity. So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.Free of charge"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a banana republic the traffic lights go from green to yellow to brown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tie say to the hat? I'll hang here, and you go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies. Next year, it is the Rambos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did anyone hear about that country who started using balloons as currency? They ended up with a massive inflation problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ? Only people in the Woods’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, \"You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking.\" \"Now settle down,\" the doctor calmly told him. \"You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new job at the prison library It has its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career? His driving game."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm down to eating only one meal per day. It's 56 courses and it takes me two days to finish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly. The barman says \"That was quick!\"\"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had...\" replies the man.\"Ohh, what's that?\" said the barman sympathetically.The man answers \"no money.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rich people have... Rich people have colon cleansesPoor people have taco bell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) a 1990 Kinsey Institute report states that 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism at least an occasional basis. That's a rough estimate"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superglue comes with a warning: \"Caution - Instantly bonds skin.\" But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: \"Caution - Instantly bonds kin.\" That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom accidentally put in more butter than what was called for in the recipe. It was only a marginal error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Russian IT specialist? Mr. Switchitonanov"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the Pope go to the beach once he learnt trigonometry? sin cos tan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo? A booffalo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick? He took her out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book.... They had an outage"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail He was behind bars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have enough money to set me for life... If I die next Thursday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women are like parking spaces All the good ones are taken so when no ones looking you put it in a disabled one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do computers form intimate relations? They insert the floppy into the disc drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love showing up to religious conventions cosplaying as a crucified Jesus. I'm a cross dresser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Trembling, the teller stammers, “D...d...don’t y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?” The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted... \"No!\" She said. \"Holding hands will be just fine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do youcall a broke santa? Saint nickel less"}
{"character": "random", "line": "4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Man, I hate babies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh? Meat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is an Ambulance slow? Because its a Patient Transport"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit. That's why it's called Colonization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? It's a little meteor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the heat turns down,we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting. We call it our Con Den session."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory... ...just imagine what alcohol will do!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Violets are blue Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100. Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best way to hand feed a crocodile? Very carefully."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do dogs play Among Us? One is the impawster, and the others are chewmates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the target range was asked when they would be fully open again They said they were shooting for the fall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a squirrel and a cigarette have in common? They’re both safe until you light them on fire and put them in your mouth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Do You Call Mondays without Any Zoom Meetings? Meetless Mondays"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who wrote the song 'In Too Deep' missed out on the 'best writer of a rock song' award. Most of the judges said he lost, but Sum41."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Book never written: \"Disciplining Really Disobedient Kids\" ...by A. S. Swooping"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Dad is a Nun When my Dad got dragged to court and they asked if he had an occupation, he said Nun"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a calendar's favorite treat? Dates!(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!! Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor tells his patient he only has 6 months to live... Upset, the patient shoots the doctor.  At his trial, the judge sentences him to 30 years to life in jail and asks him if he feels any remorse.  He replies, \"no, your honor.  The doctor gave me 6 months to live, and you gave me 30 years.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups. I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my family is considering matching tattoos. My eldest sister recommends flowers.My middle sister recommends fruits.My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them He didn't tell me  what to do with those damn letters though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After stopping me, the Policeman asked if I knew why he had pulled me over... Apparently,  \"because you were lonely?\" wasn't the right answer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer? I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa's wife divorced him after he cheated on her for the fourth time She could handle the first three ho's but the last one was just too much."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross Halloween with rugby? Drop ghouls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Knock, knock.\" \"Who's there?\" \"Nobel.\" \"Nobel who?\" \"Nobel, so I knock knocked.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires love baseball? They turn into bats every night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the family leave the room after playing with Legos? They were blocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A Mars bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Dracula call his interior design book? Fang-shui."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kids that won't nap are guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant? He wanted an off-ice job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa 1. You believe in Santa.2. You don't believe in Santa.3. You are Santa.4. You look like Santa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you turn a kitten into a cow? You marry her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the physicist say about the child that jumped off a building? He had so much potential"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Toilet paper is nearly worthless, but you know what is even more worthless? My high school diploma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paedophiles are bad. Audiophiles are good.The worst is when you combine the two.And you're getting molested to the grease soundtrack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The inventor of sliced bread Is likely the one that cut the cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one shovel say to the other during a recurring fight? Can we just bury this?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Priest was reciting a poem, \"Roses are red violets are blue\". My girlfriend is 9 I'm 62."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I went to the doctor... She asked \"What brings you here today?\"I replied \"My car.\"And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: \"Not sexually active.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother always had an amazing way with words. One day, I gave her a call after my grandfather had been put into a retirement home. I asked her how he was doing, she said, “He’s like a fish out of water.” I asked, “Is he finding it hard to fit in?” And she replied, “No, he’s dead.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The man who invented Tetris died. They buried him and the whole cemetery disappeared."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bartender walks into a joke writers convention. No joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid... Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tigers got a much better driver"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beach locals have been enjoying the decrease in cruise-ship pollutants. No Shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells? A trans-hex-ual."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home..\" \".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather was a communist... His nickname was \"popsickle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, I have a good joke Robinhood wants to file for IPO this year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you set your drinks when you have covid? A coughey table.My 3 year old just told me this. Jk, my adult brain made this dumb joke, hope it's not a repost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many people say a diploma is just a piece of paper. I as an educated person beg to differ It's a piece of cardboard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way... ...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water... Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my friend \"whats it like working at a tire factory?\" apparently it wears thin after a while"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone. There's never a dull moment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Darth Vader's breathing sound so angry? He is just venting..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you seen the floods in Paris? It's inseine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom told me to load the dish washer. So I got her pregnant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . . He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I'm only celebrating my birthday for half a minute! I guess you could say it's my thirty-second birthday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts. In about a month, it will really be no Fair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of being a cross dresser the other day... So i packed her things and left"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What berry are the turtles allergic to? Strawberry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, \" 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?\"The man replies, \" like a glove.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake? Diabetes.What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees before it comes off in your hand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cells get drafted for war? Diploid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I should have known the cemetery sale was a scam. I mean, it was a dead giveaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a molecular ring of six iron atoms? A ferrous wheel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you always knock on a refrigerator door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? \"You've been on fire!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Sorry, I was all up in your grill about cooking yesterday.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product The iShovel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set Pretend that I have one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on a date with a blind chick the other day. We made it back to my place and things started getting hot when she reached up my pants. She said \" Damn! You have the biggest dick I've ever played with!\"I said \"Nah. You're just pulling my leg.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers He just wanted to put them in their place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a ship carrying dairy cows? A Galleon of Milk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When medieval armies went off to war... were they playing for keeps?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the 80's pop band \"A Flock of Seagulls\" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Surfer saves shark by punching wife in New South Wales. Beg your pardon. Let me read that again..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't George Washington want his portrait on US currency? Because he didn't want to be drawn and \"quartered.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money Turns out she was right! Now I work as a crossing guard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the single IT technician when he tried to flirt with a barista at a cafe? He was unable to make a connection to the server"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've stopped burning bridges in my life because they make them out of steel now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering. \"What's the matter, Mr. President?\" The Vice President inquired.\"Nothing at all, boss. I just  finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!\" The President beamed.\"How long did it take you?\"\"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night... that he had 3 movements."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve designed a bathroom stall door that will open for everyone except British detectives. It’s called a No Shit, Sure-Lock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, \"I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?\" The owner says \"GET THE FUCK OUT!\"The Republican responds \"Yeah! That's the one!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, \"Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a canadian enchilada? A centimeter-alada"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who doesn't care about printers? No fax given."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica. It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if they had any books on Noise Reduction Levels She said \"Sure, what volume ?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said \"Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you.\" He was being too forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Security Guard : \"I'm sorry ma'am but skinny dipping is prohibited in this beach \" Woman : \" You could have warned me before I removed the clothes\" Security guard :\" Well, there is no law about that\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard my school's principle's husband talk about how she gives good blow jobs She is the headmaster after all"}
{"character": "random", "line": "pancakes Psychiatrist: What brought you here?  Patient: My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.  Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.  Patient: Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can the flap of a butterfly's wings cause a hurricane across the ocean? I don't know, but some bloke eating a pangolin in wuhan has caused loo roll to run out at Aldi..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter! The dog isn’t going to come anyways.But what do you call a eunuch with no legs?Still doesn’t matter! He’s not going to cum anyways!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently a teacher got arrested... Police found a pencil, ruler and notebook. Allegedly he was part of the Al-Gebra network and possessed weapons of math instruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was air drumming some Metallica at a stop light. I lost a drumstick out the window and quickly changed to Def Leppard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Iran are scared of spiders But in Iraq, no phobia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How the fight started For our 3rd Anniversary, GF wanted me to bring her to a restaurant where they prepare the food in front of you using the freshest ingredients based on your selection.   I brought her to the new Subway in town and that’s how the fight started."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other: “Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who makes a spelling error AFTER editing their comment?... An Ediot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes? Because they love period sex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids? It was a Tyrannosaurass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For how long since its discovery has Covid 19 been deadly? From right off the bat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said: Hey!  I was going to eat that,  now it's going to taste like cucumber!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really took a dive..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blue squirrel fall out of it's tree? It dyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen I heard she was a massive DMX fan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables. The maître d' says \"I'll let ya in, but don't start anything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error. And now we have a virus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Europe, they don't call it the \"Friend Zone\" They call it the \"Pal Region\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount. They called it \"The Oregon Trail\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter \"O\"... O B C D..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was trying to find the actor who played Rosanne’s husband on the show But a Goodman is hard to find"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, We don't serve string here. So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago? The string says, No sir, I'm a frayed knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 3-year-old son said, \"Put my shoes on.\" I told him, \"I think my feet are too big.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, doctor, I'm terrified of squirrels. (Doctor replies:) You must be nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer? There are more geese on that side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Say what you want about Edward Scissorhands... but I think he's a pretty sharp guy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Former figure skater Michelle Kwan was caught by paparazzi, who took an unfortunate down-blouse pic. Nevertheless, it's a perfect example of both quality and Kwan titty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men in a park. A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park. Creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers \"do you have any naked photos of your wife?\" The man angrily says \"certainly not\". Creepy guy says \"would you like to buy some?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was wearing a t-shirt that said Guess So I asked her ... Implants?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men were chatting in a bar \"So what do you do?\"\"I write\"\"Oh, poetry or prose?\"\"Neither, I write cartoons\"\"Why's that?\"\"No rhyme or reason\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake? Diabetes.What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does a snowman have a heart? Nope, just big balls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round... It’s fucked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John So I feel better by saying \"I went to the Jim this morning\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents have the awesome super power of jumping..... to conclusions in every f***ing thing I talk about."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an albino white supremacist? An asshole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life is just like a USB port 50% chance of being right and always wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i showed my mom my D and she was not happy she said to go study and come talk to her when i get a A+"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples. So I guess I lost that pissing contest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie. On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.On Thursday, 3.On Friday, 5.On Saturday, 8.And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.That is the fibber-Nazi sequence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out? I think they would really bond"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two! He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach. Somebody really hated his guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water? Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father never told me why he removed the last page of my comics. I drew my own conclusions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest... So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting \"Trump is not my President\" are telling the truth. Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms ...Breakfast of champignons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, \"I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.\" I replied, \"That's 15 love.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not a big fan of shower sex. The drain hurts my penis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies. Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it easy to accidentally walk in on the White House Press Secretary while she is in the bathroom? The P is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important. I won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank...... Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers. But his aunt May."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are socialist school teachers so disorganized? Because they love to see the class struggle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them. When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A duck walked into a Harry Potter toy store, and he said to the man, running the store: “hey... got any Snapes?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My home state of Nevada is ranked #50 in education Not the best but at least we're in the top 3"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry? Because calcium helps build trombones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Nick is known as the grill master amongst us, but his ground burgers are undeniably the best. He's got a real Nick knack patty whack!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is 10 + velvet? Velveteen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm, And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.  It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like it when people to change my mind about things Change my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new backyard grill I got for Memorial Day weekend is actually assembled in America... The box of components are imported, but I had to put it together myself in my garage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and covered in bacon grease? Kermit's finger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks \"hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?\"  Donald replies \"No. Iran.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato that looks like a penis? A dictator.What do you call a regular looking potato?A commentator.There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?The one that says Idaho on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book. She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high She told me she's tired of my repost BS and divorced me. It was definitely a surprise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive I am just lucky my brother told me about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "my school held a seminar on holding orgasms. nobody came."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Russian is travelling to Poland... and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.\"Name?\" the officer asked.\"Vlad Dobrynin,\" the man answered.\"Nationality?\"\"Russian.\"\"Occupation?\"\"No, no, just visiting.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIFU and heard the four words you never want to hear during sex... \"Call me an ambulance\" So I said, \"You're an ambulance.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It's pasta bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cow do when it ate a fish? It chewed the cod"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny? Perfect timing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crab that doesn't share? A 'Shell Fish'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof I was shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just farted on my wallet Now I have Gas Money! *Told to me by my 9 year old daughter,  who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 105-year-old grandmother's favorite joke A bag boy is pushing a woman's groceries out to her car. She thinks he's kind of cute, so she taps him on the shoulder and whispers \"I have an itchy pussy.\"He shrugs and says, \"Sorry, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look the same to me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked. Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Royal Dentist Joke Two peasants are having a chat and one says \"Why did the king go to the dentist's?\"The other peasant, confused, says \"no I don't, please tell me\"The first peasant then hits him with \"to get his teeth crowned!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did. All of mine sucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What resolution do white supremacists prefer? 3K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy says to a girl on tinder “You can call me the GOAT” “Why? Cause you’re the greatest of all time?” “No, cause I’m gonna eat your bush”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, I have a good joke Robinhood wants to file for IPO this year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr. Potato Head will now be known as Mr. Potatx"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A judge was trying a man on the charge of shoplifting shirts and pants by wearing them out of the store. The judge saw the evidence and declared, \"Guilty! Case Clothed!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One for the software devs There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:1. Garbage collection2. Naming things3. Off-by-one errors"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2019 is the first calendar year... Where the 24th was the end of May."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is summer a plastic surgeon's favorite season? It's a great time to make some mammories"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Second Amendment The Second Amendment of the Constitution affords me the right to wear short sleeve shirts to work.  The right to bare arms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump. It's called Grabbed-her-snatch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ... ... Instead everyone else did."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do printers eat on their toast? Paper jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trumps so good at making jobs He even opened some up in Iran!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen I heard she was a massive DMX fan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years. I never knew he was a barber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man made a motorcycle completely out of wood It had a wooden engine, a wooden frame, wooden tires, wooden gas tank, everything was wood.But did he ride it?No, wooden start...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hot air ballons use burners and not steam? Because Fireflies and Waterfalls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into an lift (elevator) He looks at the attractive woman inside and says, \"Can I smell your vagina?\"Horrified, she moves away from him,\"No, you can not!\"\"Oh ok, it must be your feet then\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night. Lettuce be seen without dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings. I'll call it Salvador Deli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake? He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Studnia\" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water (hopefully this translates well)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do trees feel in spring? Releaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my wife at the zoo. The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a freshly made pizza and a hungry jungle tiger? One tastes delicious to you and you taste delicious to one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the greengrocer say when he sold his last onion? \"Thats shallot!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and I saw the monkeys masturbating. I then saw the giraffes and I was still masturbating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who did The Fonz call when his motorcycle broke down on the way to Arnold's Drive-In? Triple Aaaaayyyyy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago? K, 9."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pickle say to the lemon? I relish our time togetherI'll see myself out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Didja hear about the two fat chicks flouting social distancing rules while going for a walk? They just wanted to flatten their curves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"A 45 minute nap should set me straight \" 8 hours later : wakes up as a gay"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The amount of advertising on social media is super surprising. What’s not surprising? How much money you can save with GEICO Renters Insurance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side, It's no longer a Q-tip.It's askew-tip.>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Nazi's and baseballs have in common? Everyone cheers when you hit them with a bat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did ancient Grecians get memorialized? They had to urn it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Wants to Get to the Truth of the Khashoggi Murder He's hired OJ to track down the real killers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button? A frog in a blender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the Butcher's pet pig? It didn't make the cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar When the bartender asks him why it’s there, the pirate replies, “Aargh, I don’t know, but it’s been drivin’ me nuts!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds always congregate on power wires? So they can hang out with their friends online."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents  50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient... ...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies show that after being released from prison, women have a tendency to immediately begin menstruation. This is because a period comes at the end of a sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called? Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were born without legs. I guess it runs in the- wait a minute"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home..\" \".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once pushed a guy off his bike I've since been banned from that gym"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires? A bad electrician"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met. I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend likes to make off-color jokes about environmental disasters, like the Exxon Valdez and the Deepwater Horizon accidents. He's so crude."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t believe Comic Con 2020 got cancelled because of covid 19! It was the one group of people who were 100% guaranteed to wear masks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a troubled childhood, my parents never put a hand over my eyes when people were kissing on the television. They tried to push down my boner instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The special kid was late to class today He cried after the teacher called him tardy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? College"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up. I was displeased with his shellfish ambition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When wearing a bikini, a woman reveals 90 % of her body Men are so polite that they only look at the covered part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard about the Trump fruit salad? It's mostly orange 'm' peach."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex Big mistake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat? Wendy’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex after a blow up is meant to be the best... ... but I'm always out of breath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman pulled me over on his motorcycle. I don't know why, I told him I was only borrowing it for 5 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain.And the woman says, \"Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been falling asleep listening to comedy specials and I don't think it's good for my health Because I keep feeling funny in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On new years, 2019, i made a resolution to lose 10 kg by 2020. After months of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears, I can proudly say i only have 16 more kg to go"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They had no idea at the job that I was a total drunk Until I showed up sober one day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you guys hear about the fatal accident at the cheese factory? A photographer was photographing a group of tourists when a huge wheel of cheese fatally ran overhim.To be fair the entire group was yelling out CHEESE!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish. He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon... Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).Both were denied. This is actually true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I dreamt I was eating a 15 pound marshmallow… I woke up this morning and I couldn’t find my pillow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man ask his boss for more salad? He thought he was due a celery increase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The golfer rewarded himself with new pants.. .. after he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Drac Frost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spin the Bottle When I was a kid, all of us kids played 'Spin the bottle'. A girl would spin the bottle. If it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.By the time I was 16, I owned my own house..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the 80's pop band \"A Flock of Seagulls\" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a James Bond bank account It reads as follows, 0.07"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I call my toilet the oval office.. It's got a think tank, and a pipeline for delivering healthcare reform."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the Samsung phone's camera blurry? It had lost its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Shakespeare eat for lunch? Caesar salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My frugal neighbor doesn't want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he's going to try and do it himself. \"How hard can it be?\" he said. I think he's in for a shock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn’t know much but... I know it ain’t sheep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which instrument players are the sexiest? Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What form of art is very popular among college kids? Ramen doodles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to eat a spaghetti squash... But then I thought, \"Nah, I butternut.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pushed a fan over It blew up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the clam limping on Monday morning? Because he went clubbing at the weekend and pulled a mussel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just released a new fragrance Nobody in the car seemed to like it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist? A: \"Is there a dog?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no Walmart stores in Afghanistan? Because there's a target on every corner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a bank gets robbed by ghosts, then it’s a Polterheist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was that bad in geography That I couldn't even find the class."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do retail workers call rude and snotty customers “Karen”? Because they would lose their job if they called them a “Cunt”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the Ninja Turtles attack Shredder 4 on 1? Because their master is a rat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bartender walks into a joke writers convention. No joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to tell a geography joke... ...but you had to be there to understand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two drunk men walk on a railway The first guy says: This stairs are neverending!Other guy: Don't worry there's the elevator comming!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a really nice steam train today. I was chuffed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A COVID nurse asked me ‘so sir when did you first begin to lose your sense of taste’ I replied ‘Hey! Riverdale is a good show’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit.... Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer.  He looks at it and then shakes his head.  “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Australians such confident baseball players? They’re always being told “good eye”Yes I realize this is stupid :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A monkey, chimp, gorilla and King Kong tries to take bananas from a coconut tree. Who will get it? Neither! Coconut trees don't grow bananas!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got out of an abusive relationship I'm glad, my hands were starting to hurt!  ^(Source: SrGrafo stream musings)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons... Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick. Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas But all he gave me was some junky old car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke. If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Irish love powers of 2? They love Dublin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ Or, as it's also known, R gone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the tragic crash of the small plane into the cemetery? So far they've recovered 324 bodies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like \"sh\" without starting with \"sh\". The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-...\"Chef! Are you sure?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class? Sum bodies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend and I have started a business where we weigh tiny objects. It’s a small scale operation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic... It was really awkward asking them for a hanger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day, I was taking a selfie with a bear in the forest. An old man yelled at me 'what is this nonsense?'. I apologised, 'Bear with me'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one tire say to the other tire? I wheel-y like you.- LJ, age 7"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new breast reduction clinic is called ... Tits for tats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold down the pillow long enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two criminals stole a calendar They got six months each"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men's briefs. \"So when did you start wearing men's underwear?\" the first asked. \"Ever since my husband found a strangepair under the bed.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a snail commit suicide? He looks into the socket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ape who has a fondness for brass woodwind instruments? A Saxquatch"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to think of myself as a bottle of fine wine I’m saving myself for another 10-15 years, but in reality I’ll probably wait too long, become funky, and just be left untouched until I’m thrown away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, \"I'm getting a divorce,\" she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A scarecrow says, \"This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the couple who didn't pay their exorcist? Their house got repossessed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials. I guess they don’t meet the koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the butcher if he had any tripe. He gave me a box set of ‘Love Island’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say smoking will give you diseases But how can they say that when it cures salmon!!   (Lol im a smoking chef and when i heard this joke I coughed my lungs like i have the rona. Had to post it )"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't like Fahrenheit. I don't like Celsius. I don't like Kelvin. I prefer to measure my degrees in Radians."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass... he's been working ever since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made my first snowman today... It was so white it's already been nominated to Trump's Cabinet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a iceberg in a ghost sheet? A polargeist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Water is heavier than butane because... Butane is a lighter fluid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought my mouse was dead. But it's alive and clicking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't trees talk? They don't like to dialogue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nic Cage was a straight A highschool student but he slacked off one semester.When he got his report card, he shouted \"Bs! Not the Bs!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage. It was elf and safety gone mad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Community is the best sitcom Chang my mind"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a kid I was told that, \"Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.\" Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, \"..help control the pet population.\"I was raised to listen to my elders..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need to brush up on my geography. The box my new TV came in said \"Built In Antenna.\" I have no idea where Antenna is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a triangle that got OWNED? A rectangle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of dinosaur is best at seeing the future? A tarot-dactyl!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the naughty child not get electrocuted when he stuck a fork in the socket? Because he was grounded!(I'll see myself out)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw my stormtrooper girlfriend for the first time in 6 months. She said she missed me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up... He should have just hired her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pravda news from April 27th 1986 Glorious Soviet technology allowed workers at Chernobyl power plant to complete five year plan of power production in mere five milliseconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is an owl among us.. Friend: Who?Me: Exactly, we have to be careful.. wait a second"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, I think God takes you by your feet because.... \"I once walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, \"Oh God, I'm coming!!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February. I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.Yeah, I know its Def Leppard, auto correct messed that up for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices. It was a Catcher in the Rye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do golfers need two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole-in-one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names? People call a group of chickens a Brood.People call a group of Falcons a Cast.People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an American who doesn't tip? Cheap. What do you call a Brit who doesn't tip?Creasp."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album! The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses! Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the company's idea for a giant sandal? Turned out to be a massive flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my brother have quite the connection together We're siamese twinsNote: I am actually not a siamese twin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They should make Star Trek toilet paper... ...so you can help wipe Klingons off Uranus.(been a while since this one's been around. Just heard it again today from my 5 year old niece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a director who's broken their arm? A cast"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file. I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can prove the Earth is flat But people always tell me my arguments keep doing roundabouts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ruth just dumped me. Told me I was too uptight. Well, now I'm Ruthless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ireland Did you hear about the Diseased Colony in Ireland that stole everyone's money?.......It was a Leper Con."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor was really impressed with the amount of hair I had on the scalp for my hair transplant However, he was a *bit* concerned that the scalp was not mine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't vampires attack Taylor Swift? She's got Bad Blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a sperm bank and Michael Jackson have in common? They both tell you to beat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel? A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got home last night to find that all the windows and doors were open and everything was gone. What kind of monster would do this to an advent calendar!?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat. He felt offal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . . Cheeses of Nazareth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just made a bran cereal with edibles in it High 'n Fibre"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What T.V. Channel will never air the sitcom Scrubs? TLC; Because, they don’t want, no scrubs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does texas have no power? Democrats stole the electrons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My name is Robert, but my friends call me Al... Alcoholic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally found the courage to tell my suitcases there will be no holiday abroad this year. Now, I'm dealing emotional baggage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight... watch out for the revenge of the fifth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has only one problem: she can't tell the difference between Geology and Geography Either way, she can still rock my world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Train joke A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left the town by railway. It was an Ex-press train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?\"Cum at me bro\".\\-Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?He was a peeking duck\\-What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?\"It's bananas\"\\... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call naked mannequin falling out of a window? An obscene clone fall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes. She snorted half a gran."}
{"character": "random", "line": "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are\" Ok. BTW what's my last name?\"Scissorhands\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] Horoscope Compatibility As per your zodiac sign, the zodiac sign you are likely to be compatible with, is as follows :Aries - CancerTaurus - CancerGemini - CancerCancer - CancerLeo - CancerVirgo - CancerLibra - CancerScorpio - CancerSagittarius - Cance... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Redditor say when the bombs he placed in the bank finally exploded? Woah, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas. But it’s still up in the air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a jumper and a sweater? A sweater doesn’t go splat after falling 40 stories..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform. She said it's in case she has to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bone who thinks he is god? A blasfemur!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've decided to pour a new foundation for my porch. I want to make concrete changes to my life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Investment question If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? A: The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's it called when a flower gives head? Floral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Snoop Doggs favorite part of grilling? The sizzle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police were called to a crime scene. They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.She screamed \"My husband. What have I done?\"Cop \"How many times did you hit him?Wife \" I don't remember. Put me down for a six\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa Claus is near I can sense his presents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My school had a mental health fair But I didn’t have any to give, so I didn’t bother going."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the joke of little Jef in the bathroom? Me neither, the door was locked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Gates is the best person to deal with a pandemic He's been dealing with viruses since Windows 95"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the french flag without any color? Still the french flag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who finishes last in medical school? Hopefully not my doctor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins... ...but Asian singles are in my area."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis, a kaftan (long black coat), and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says: \"Where'd you get that?\"The parrot replies: \"Brooklyn. There's thousands of them.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names... she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time. It runs in the jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently broke it off with a pair of conjoined twins. I said, \"It's not you, it's you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers... Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom told me to load the dish washer. So I got her pregnant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument? They had a fallout."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically I guess we really should've taken away his license"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone asked me if I'd ever given a sterile guy a blowjob, so I racked my brain trying to remember if I had. Alas, I just kept drawing blanks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter \"F\"? The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bulls wear bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How Do Fish Get High? Seaweed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a judge preferred breakfast? Oathmeal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of breath mints do dyslexic military officers use? Tac-tics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes. It was a dick tater ship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Slim Shady ask the class on his first day of teaching at music school? \"Hi kids, do you like violins?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know you can't breath when you smile? Just kidding.  Just wanted to make you guys smile :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and goes to summer camp? A brussel scout!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault, Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is height reduction surgery almost always a bad deal? Because you're guaranteed to get short-changed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think I was hacked by russia Edit: I no hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.Edit 2: Thank for big silver neck coin, comrade. I appreciate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a masterless, Italian Samurai? What do you call a masterless, Italian Samurai?Mac: a Ronin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a Peach and a Orange? You can't imorange a Peach but you can impeach an Orange."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom. IPA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear what that guy on the east coast said? I dont know either he wasn't pacific."}
{"character": "random", "line": "birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present... I didn't get you one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom? Because the 'P'  is silent.I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job She probably shouldn’t have been driving"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a health conscious cannibal? A humanitarian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs. They were made for the sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once turned down a farm job because it called for haulin’ oats. I told them, “I can’t go for that.”This is my friend’s joke - original, supposedly.  Posting it here for feedback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a religious rabbit? A pray animal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a white drug abuser in america A politician"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is height reduction surgery almost always a bad deal? Because you're guaranteed to get short-changed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of award did the dentist receive? A little plaque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend. I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert? What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?Boo-berry pie!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was gonna tell you a joke about UDP... ...but you might not get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always have heavy security at my far-left political rallies... It's dangerous to have unprotected sects."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' \". \"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' \"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hutterite Jokes How did the Hutterite man find his daughter in the woods?Quite satisfyingWhat do you call the sweat between two hutterites having sex?relative humidity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge, \"on what grounds do you want a divorce?\" Husband \"my wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar,  almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every fucking day!!\"Judge  \"You mean to say she's severely Alcoholic and cheats on you everyday?\"Husband  \"No, She's out looking for Me!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is 10 + velvet? Velveteen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear At least that’s what I think she was saying"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do people say \"break a leg\" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at the park watching over my kid as he played when a lady sits next to the bench I’m on and looks at me suspiciously, then asks, “Which ones yours?”   Blinking, I replied, “I dunno, still choosing...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from my trip to Iran It was a blast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad always believed in learning things by doing them. So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...So that he could teach himself CPRCredit: Anthony Jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 Shades He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'- 50 Shades of Macy Gray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mum said to me, \"can you please pass me a book mark?\" Absolutely broken.  25 years old and she doesn't know my name is Scott."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a sweater and a jumper? Sweaters are hoping someone will talk them down from the ledge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it. Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day on Venus lasts 5,832 hours The same as one Monday on Earth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my kid asks how i survived WW3 id tell him this... Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. 5 minutes before the bell, Bob handed in a blank sheet of paper. \"Bob!\" yelled the teacher. \"You've done nothing. Why?\"\"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes  They'd crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did a Duracell rabbit went to jail? It was charged with battery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How well did I hang up that picture? I nailed it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? If they fell forward they'd still be in the boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?\" What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pirate walk the plank? His dog was back on land."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires love baseball? They turn into bats every night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone has glued my pack of cards together-I don't know how to deal with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried watching The Neverending Story. Couldn't finish it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of hours after Trump approved \"offensive\" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????\nGeneral : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..\nTrump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bro can you help me name these information pamphlets Brochure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a ghosts favorite type of porn? Boo-kakke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MY friend made a joke about the flooding of South Asia. I stopped him and sad: \"Too monsoon man.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the stingy schizophrenic finally come to realize after years of therapy? That Sharon is Karen..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They named a new scent after the coronavirus It's called Leave Me The Far Cologne"}
{"character": "random", "line": "School report. My teacher gave us an assignment to tell her our idols and then say what we would do if they walked in our house. I got off easy because I said Stephen Hawking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boss shows up at a job site Boss: \"Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!\"Bob: \"Boss, a good employee is hard to find.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the doctor’s Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.Me: How small are we talking?Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book.... They had an outage"}
{"character": "random", "line": "- I saw two men beating my mother in law - and you didn’t do anything?- nah, 3 people would be too many"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers. It's called On and On Anon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mass murderer on a bike? A Cyclepath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.You'll never guess who came crawling back[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive. Unless that language is Klingon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't French vineyards produce a good Port or Sherry? Because the French don't know how to fortify *anything*!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean... I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I knew my mom was pissed when she cursed in a different language. Her sign language was on point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of dinosaur has a spike in his butt? A bronto-sore-ass!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to know a fun fact about my social security number? It's long and unique, unlike my penis. But like my penis, has never been used by anyone else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I went for a walk with a beautiful woman Then she noticed me, so we went for a run"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who got his face ripped off by a leopard? He's alt-right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a Lady who's acting up while on her period? Please stop Ovary-acting [P.S.. i sure hope this hasn't been posted here before]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle is such a great businessman that he made $6 million in profits this year He works in a non-profit organization"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo mamma so hairy She gotta comb her wrist to see what time it is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it. This is because windows no longer supports Flash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violet's are blue When I listen to rock music. My neighbours do too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did a woman on death row pro long her execution? She couldn’t decide what to eat for her final meal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home. Now he’s in a pickle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide but you cant run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really have no idea what carbon dating is... But, I'll try anything at this point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear:  \"watch out, he's trying to take your donut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Interviewer: So what are your strengths and weaknesses. Me: I have a decent sense of humor but my General Knowledge is not so good. Interviewer: Ok, then tell us a joke.Me: Knock Knock.Interviewer: Who?Me: 2nd US President.Interviewer: 2nd US President who?Me: Like I said, my General knowledge isn't good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nsfw What is a typical motto for a brothel? Customers always comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is this movie about? It is about  hours long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad I was thinking Ahhh!!! So that's whats burning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says \"i wish I could do that\" To which John replies \"probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Turns out, I’m allergic to latex … I learned that one the hard way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a pole recently and turns out that 100% of people dont like it.. When their tent falls down..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock? Apparently it was really time consuming"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Good news! I've just inherited an estate from my great grandfather! Bad news, it's a 1975 Volvo..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who invented King Arthurs round table? Sir Cumference."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep? A: He puts his PJ-Amazon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? I really shouldn't be spreading it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . . Cheeses of Nazareth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards I thought to myself, \"Thats just Spam\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "3\" , 6\", & 9\" are which Shakespeare plays? Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a joke that makes no sense and has no effort? A cake day post."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does The Backstreet Boys make a bad cardiac specialist? Because they'll tell you it's nothing but a heartache"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mass murderer on a bike? A Cyclepath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently went to a coin factory... I was in awe at all of the machines and moving parts that filled the factory. At first, I didn't understand what was happening, but then it dawned on me. It all makes cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic. I told her, \"I think you mean fewer\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do hydrogen atoms find a new leader? They hold an *electron*."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all. Just a little food for thot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dragon with no silver? a dron. dr**ag**on (science joke)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the first episode of a TV series with a predominantly black cast? A pilot, you racist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked. Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good project manager makes updates. A bad project manager makes up dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?” Me: “Guess”Waiter: “Medium rare?”Me: “Well done”Waiter: “Uhhh..”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky on the inside, brown and sticky on the outside? Any open jar of Marmite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a \"Grilled Cheese\" after a few days in the fridge? Chilled Grease"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you? on Oni Fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mother In Law A husband and wife had a fight.Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hugh Laurie just got his American citizenship! He now goes by \"Hugh Truck\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't they show vaginas in anime? Because then it would be a plot hole"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week.... Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casketThey put the left leg in....And then the trouble started"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why Did The Queen Wear Black Gloves To Princess Diana's Funeral? The white ones were covered in brake fluid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies? Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Dad used to work with a man named Mr. Pigg. He had two beautiful daughters, which he named... Imma and Urra."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth? It’s just named after that stuff on the ground. (Norm MacDonald)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons... Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our Boss has locked all toilet paper away in the company safe. If you need to go to the toilet you have to get a dollar note from the cash register."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.” Has tested positive for the virus!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.  It was pointless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A trans woman complained about having her makeup done without her consent. \"I told him not to do it but he did anyway!\"But the guy who did her makeup told his side of the story:\"You DID consent. I asked if I could do it and your exact words were 'I'll pass, thanks.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between a Chicago Bears fan and Marty McFly? Eventually Marty McFly stopped going back to 1985."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey? A Kick-Ass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbist just  showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the family who hired a moving van to move their other, smaller moving van? Yeah. There's a lot to unpack there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls! But really, they're all liti-gators"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father in law said he felt so lucky that his daughter met such a great guy. But that relationship didn't work out so she settled for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing? A Def Leppard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A loaf of bread made an enemy of me. Now it's toast"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Black Panther was a Pokemon, Ash would ask him... Wakanda Pokemon are you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rich people start their meals by saying \"Bless us oh Lord for these thine gifts...\" Poor people say \"Ramen.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I picked up a hitchhiker last night He thanked me for picking him up but cautioned me that he could have been a serial killer and asked why I picked him up. I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are minuscule."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the famous writer who turned out to be a fraud? His life had its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to me and says.. ..\"Why are you making a fire around the pot of water you are in?\"I say \"Sorry, just trying to build my self a-steam.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do owls say when they go trick or treating? Happy Owl-ween."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We'll see about that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math teacher call her student average? She was being mean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sausage puns are the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a triangle with angles 42.0°, 69° and 69°? A Nice-osceles triangle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If 2020 was a math word problem: **If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been seeing a light bulb sales girl lately... Her name is Ellie DeeShe really lights up my life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%! It’s Dublin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom? Because her pee is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the black hole stop uploading to his YouTube channel He was void of ideas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What reward does a light rain get? A precipitation trophy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps. The next day he pooped his pants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...? Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a fork and a spoon get into a fight? Civilwar!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s long and hard, and hairy at one end? A toothbrush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[Siri Beta] What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an alien? A mars-upial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said \"Can I have a word?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos; Which is going to be extremely hard..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m making a coat out of pancakes. I call it my flapjacket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the motorcycle get sad when shifting gears? Because the clutch is depressed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two rednecks watching a dog lick its balls... The first redneck says, \"I wish I could do that.\" The second redneck says, \"I reckon that dog would bite you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will... &nbsp;  &nbsp;  ..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother hasn't stopped staring through the window since the storm started I suppose I should let him in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son got an F in his geography exam today. I sent him to his room but he ended up in the kitchen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ive heard so much about the Eye of the Tiger, But why does nobody talk about the other four letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologsied to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Thanos is a farmer now... He must be really into crop dusting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender. And bonus, Donald Drum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, 'Are you seriously hurt?''How should I know?' the man answers, 'I'm not a lawyer!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa. Then my mom hid the urn from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My biology teacher said there is no evolutionary advantage to blue eyes. She must have never heard of the holocaust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The earth travels through space at 660,000 miles per hour. And I get six points for going 33 in a 30 zone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tired traveler go to Romania? So he could Bucharest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the snowman smiling? He could see the snowblower coming down the street"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in the 80's, Brian was walking in Belfast when he was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun The masked man asked \"Are you a Catholic or a Protestant\"? Brian replied \"Neither, I'm an Atheist\"The masked man was silent for a moment, then finally said:\"Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist\"?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished my first shift at a can crushing factory. It was soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate? Taiwanasaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“It’s easy to stand in the crowd, but it takes courage to stand alone”, Mahatma Gandhi “It’s easy to stand alone but it takes courage to stand in a crowd” , Covid-19"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was with a group of friends when one of them suggested we play Twister. This person knows I'm not a fan of Twister. I hate being put in an awkward position."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend came back from the bathroom with wet hands. I noticed this. I said, “Wow it looks like you’ve washed your hands.” They say, “No, I just pissed on them so I can knock out two birds with one stone.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a Japanese Soldier and a Actor have in common? When they get discovered, their career blows up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? College"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sea cow in Seattle? A sea-cattle.I'm so sorry for the cringe..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im sexually attracted to pillows I sleep with one every night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans? I hear they have a Tutankhamon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has developed a fetish with salad items... Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.And that was just the tip of the iceburg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music. He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him. It was the incel's Excel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, \"I have an imaginary girlfriend.\" The father sighs and says, \"You know, you could do better.\" \"Thanks Dad,\" the son says. \"That means a lot.\" The father shakes his head and goes, \"I was talking to your girlfriend.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just invented a car that runs on herbs... I think I invented thyme travel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons? A: Because they often have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a tennis ball falls off a table, a golf ball shouts a question, \"Are you going to be ok?\" The tennis ball replies, \"Of course.  I'll bounce back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the Kardashian family taking a swim in the ocean? pollution"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between jam and jelly? Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a disabled person on fire? Hot Wheels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do bad plates go to after they've broken? Helsinki"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the moisture that forms between two lovers in Alabama? Relative Humidity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who vaccinate their kids are crazy! Hell no, I didn’t vaccinate my son! Are you out of your mind!? I had a doctor do it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rest In Peace, Larry Tesler r/jokes would be nowhere without you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a woman wearing nothing but whipped cream covering her private parts? Chantilly clad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My six year old niece made up this joke. I think she may be a comedic prodigy. Why did the sweater go to boot camp?To warm up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures \"the lowest ever recorded\" this summer. So he switched the US to Celsius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do u give a dog that has high temperature? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who does a squirrel go to for confession? >!A chip-monk!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was talking to the guy down the street and he said he’s got a stream that runs through his property but would really like a reservoir. I said “Well dam.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This building is so tall, that if you jumped off the roof... You would die of old age."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize an outer space party? You planet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey lost his left hand in a motorcycle accident? Now he's allright, allright, allright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A legless crossdresser? Drag Queen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in most of the way and another to give it a surprise twist at the end."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The sheepshank is clearly superior to the fisherman's eye KNOT"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wise man once said:\"never trust atoms!\" \"They make up everything\"I'll see my way out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you live with a terminal disease? You don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a drunk, dyslexic CD Floppy diks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was playing air drums to AC/DC the other day when I dropped my stick... ...had to switch to Def Leopard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everything in Florida is in the 80s The Temperature, the Humidity, the Average Age, and the IQ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other... ...most of them would fall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume. Stupid cemetery rules."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know what animal the year 2020 is in the Chinese calendar but I'm pretty sure it has rabies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler? Practice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest I lost the case"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed? Let me finish this one line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a relish made out of my own cash. It's my main sauce of income."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks? The Hollercaust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two redditors walk into a bar. \"Well technically,\" the first argues, \"it is a Pub since it serves food.\"\"Actually,\" the second says, \"it is a Saloon since it is a part of a hotel.\"Neither remembers the point of this post."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 1950's people were worried about having their homes wire-tapped. People today are are saying, Hey wire-tap what will the weather be like tomorrow?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cub at it's smallest point? Bear minimum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting in a bar one day and two women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, \"Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?\" One of them snarled at me, \"It's Wales, dumbo!\" So I corrected myself, \"Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?\" That's about as far as I remember."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal Feel free to go fuck yourself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!  I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon. One of the men exclaims \"a bacon tree! we're saved\". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth. And then you’ll all be sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body? Methmatics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down Iv never seen that much toasted bread before"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the other bugs call the bug who wanted to be an astronaut? A LUNAtick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards. Me: ...And?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn't too sure about that but I could do a wicked \"Bohemian Rhapsody.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do smartphones ring? Because they can't talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: What's that? Dad: It's a henweigh. Kid: What's a henweigh? Dad: About two pounds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK, Rolling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You're a sandwich!'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police  A mugging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If The Joke about r/Jokes is That All The Jokes are Stolen/Copy Pasted... Does that mean when you see a joke, you've already Reddit?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bubonic plague inflames your lymph nodes. But pneumonic plague helps you to remember things"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Wikipedia editor is pulled over for speeding \\[citation needed\\]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net. All he caught were catfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wow, I'm getting a $1200 check from the President I feel kind-of like Stormy Daniels.  ...well actually this check is for a future stimulus, Stormy's was a check for a past stimulus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Mia Khalifa's favorite tv channel? BBC News"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun. The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I live in a house between a crack den and a brothel. I guess you could say i'm between a rock and a hard place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a guy if he could do an imitation of a pheasant. He said, \"Sure, I'm game!\"And that, Your Honour, is why I shot him.Credit to u/Bradders_Extreme123 ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came up with a hilarious joke about fermat But the margin was too small to contain it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it easy to accidentally walk in on the White House Press Secretary while she is in the bathroom? The P is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just grabbed myself an early black friday deal - sleeping bag for only £30 No idea how to wake it up though..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a neckbeard serve the soup? With M'ladle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father taught me 2 important rules for life 1. Never judge people based on stereotypes2. Never trust a Frenchman"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanda lost sight of her life after the events of Infinity War Thankfully, she fully recovered her vision."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lately I've been getting turned on every time I see someone cut in two on my tv shows So yeah I guess I'm bisectual"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked... ...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Austin Powers say when he visited the apiary? Oh bee HIVE!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The day before our family holiday my little brother locked himself in his bedroom. I was worried, so I asked him what he was doing.He said, \"I'm packing.\"\"Fuck off,\" I replied. \"It's only about four inches.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the most common form of birth control at Hogwart’s? *Coitus Interruptus*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much should you tip your hitman? At least double what their employer paid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out. All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the CRAZY paved trail?... It's a \"Cycle-Path\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old friend, now living in China, called me. I asked him how life is over there and if he's doing well. He said \"Ah well , you know. I can't complain\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution. He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what did the british guy say when he discovered that tea was first made in china? real tea is often disappointing repost because the first one had too many spelig misteks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a masterless, Italian Samurai? What do you call a masterless, Italian Samurai?Mac: a Ronin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ive heard so much about the Eye of the Tiger, But why does nobody talk about the other four letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always take 40 or 50 lighters with me in a bag... Not because I'll need them, but you can always use a lighter bag when hiking.And I make sure it's not an odd number so that way it's even lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Caveman Shark Tank Guy who invented the wheel - alright this is gonna seem a little unorthodox, but just roll with itCaveman sharks - do what with itG - oh you'll see"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought two hermit crabs I put them in the same small cage, are they still hermit crabs???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says \"In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test.\" The blonde asks \"Do you have to study a lot for them?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860 Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Studnia\" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water (hopefully this translates well)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Christopher Marlowe keep his writing secret from the other prisoners when he went to jail? He separated the prose from the cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, someone came into the shop I work in, walked up to me and yelled “I F-ED YOUR MOM!” After that, he ran outside. This was the 3rd time this month! I don’t know why my dad keeps doing this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to deal with a toxic ex: 100% accuracy and scientifically proven to work. Whenever your ex says, \"You'll never find someone like me,\" the answer to that is, \"That's the point.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do crabs move from one person to the next? They use pubic transport"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the fork go to the party? It wanted to have a good tine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts....The technical term for it is post-nut clarity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "That new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion and mind control is a load of boring shit. Turned it off after just five seasons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes. Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic....Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Lego shop reopens tomorrow, but I recommend avoiding it for the time being. People will be lined up for blocks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the sesame seed get off the hill? It was on a roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does \"Rockin' Robin\" do when she's bored? Tweet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Pop Corn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars? The Mangolorian.(Made up for an eight year old)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s strange disliking Chinese food while having an Asian Fetish I’d like to eat out Chinese but I hate eating out Chinese"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: Hello, is this hotel manager speaking? Manager: Yes. What happened Sir?Man: My wife is arguing with me and saying that she will jump out of the window.Manger : Sorry Sir, this is your personal issue, we cannot help.Man: I know, I know but I want help because the window is not opening."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor was really impressed with the amount of hair I had on the scalp for my hair transplant However, he was a *bit* concerned that the scalp was not mine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a proud American! I bleed red white and blue because I can’t afford to go to the hospital and find out what the hell is wrong with me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the Royal Family and Probability math equations have in common? They are not important and nobody cares about them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot. Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I may be biased, but I think blind people have the best observational humor. I guess I’m just a big fan of dark comedy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a PhD Public Highschool Diploma"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore. Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a camels favourite meal? Desert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A werewolf stenographer starts a YouTube channel from his post on a U-boat: Lychan Sub Scribe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a film director that has crabs? Alfred Itchcock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If cartoon characters become real, who would attract most women? Pinocchio"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you reward a chicken journalist? With a poulette surprise!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had to call the SWAT team for backup today... ... There was a fly in my car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Walter White take off his pants? He was worried they'd get methy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix a snowman with a vampire? frostbite!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After seeing my new tattoo, my angered wife retaliated by getting a breast reduction... tit for tat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch? So he could greet visitors with a handshake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I use my cell phone as an alarm clock. I call it Veriz'n shine.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think the hardest thing I've ever had to come to grips with is the fact that I'll never be witty. Well, that and my penis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal? Grilled Chee-heese"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farm was bombed and only one cow survived. All the udders died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They don't make forks like they used to. Modern plastic ware makes me miss the good old tines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A biology teacher runs into a bank holding a flower. He says \"Everybody on the ground, I have a pistil!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am a big fan of Fifty Cent. Or as we call him in Zimbabwe: **Ten Billions Dollars.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a pickpocket went to a nudist beach... He hated it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wheel that you wear? A tire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs? It's a long tail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question. “Well you see,” The English teacher explained. “‘Life without parole’ is a phrase.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Choose a new password Choose a new password :potato Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters. boiled potato Sorry, password must contain at least one number.1 boiled potato Sorry, password cannot contain spaces50fuckingboiledpotatoesSorry, password mu... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to learn how to climb a flight of stairs? Just follow these ten simple steps!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Hitler so surprised when he lost the war? Because he did Nazi it coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a entitled mother who's always out of her mind? Karenoid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, \"just 5 more centimeters... 5 more centimeters and I could've been the king\" From the door, his wife giggled. \" Just 5 less    centimeters  and you could've been the queen instead\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane? A Boring 747"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fire alarms should just play Nickelback Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the vertebrae say when returning from vacation? I'm back!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re traveling along the Oregon trail and you meet a man named Terry. One of your party members says, “I thought Terry was a woman’s name.”That party member immediately dies.What did they die from? Dysentery"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My house was raided and the cops carted off books on algebra, trigonometry and calculus, plus dice and other probability-demo stuff. They said it was weapons of math instruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Zucchini say when it got stepped on? *squash*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It turns out that it really would be a good idea to add Trump's face to mount Rushmore because of geology. It turns out the entire mountain is made of Schist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It should be no surprise President Trump doesn't care about climate change He's always liked to fuck the younger generation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baseball glove say to the baseball? Nothing; baseball gloves can't talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy from the damn Daniel vine was arrested for kidnapping children. You could say that he was back at it again with the white vans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show... \"I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "These are the hardest to pull off. You have to wait until the setup comes to you before you can strike."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teachers told me I'd never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, \"Just you wait!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer? There are more geese on that side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons like knights? The come with their own pans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book? He said, \"I'm just not feeling it!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Walking down the road, I ran into a farmer's wife She was dragging along a huge barrel full of tomatoes. I said, \"Hey, what are you gonna do with all those tomatoes?\" The farmer's wife said, \"Well, we eat what we can. And what we can't, we can.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Daddy, do trees poop? Father: Of course, That's how we get number 2 pencils."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig who just lost at a game of tug-of-war? Pulled pork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the farmer stop stuffing goats into his truck? There was no more ruminant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son can only see in shades of beige, Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was passing gym class with flying colors until we got to the skiing unit. It was downhill from there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd love to you a joke about Edward Elric... but it will cost an arm and a leg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between school and prison? In school your afraid of the work that’s hard. In prison your afraid of the inmates that are hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform. Retweet if you agree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the angriest country? Ire-land"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the waffle go to the pancake party? He was a square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superman lost all of his money on a digital currency scheme It was his cryptonite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't most sharks and whales read? They are not part of a school"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy. I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two friends met after a long time. First one said: my wife is an angle. Second one replied: You are very lucky man. Mine is still alive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a fork and a spoon get into a fight? Civilwar!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pillow warmer is a stupid idea… Use your head!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Best way to vaccinate the masses Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it. Everyone will have it by Saturday. Thursday if you have Prime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the NPR segment about how it’s rude to ask how heavy people are? “Weight? Weight!? Don’t tell me!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Fifty Shades of Grey\" gives its readers unrealistic expectations. It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Salads are a lot like orgasms... They're always better when someone else makes them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the pearly gates Peter: It says here that you don't believe in life after deathAtheist: Didn't*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ... ...It’s a grave issue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pink, plastic birds that are popular lawn ornaments in Florida..... are they called, \"Placebo Flamingos\"?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahahaha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the biggest difference between a crayon and your ex? The crayon is non-toxic!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay! Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many existancialists does it take to change a light bulb? Two.One to change the light bulb and one who observes how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in another world of cosmic nothingness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio: -WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!The german replies:-Wat are you sinking about?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times I’m lack toast intolerant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves. The correct answer was blood vessels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit? A humblebee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. \"So, what do you do for work?\" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster.\" The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately. “Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Math is the language of science. f(u)√C + k / y(ø)*^(u)*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was diagnosed as bipolar, without any sort of medical examination He was caught fucking a female polar bear and a male penguin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Russian literature is built on suffering. Either the character suffers, the author suffers, or the reader suffers. If all three are suffering, then it's considered a Russian masterpiece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Bengal Tiger is capable of jumping higher than an average two story colonial house. This is because of their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average 2 story colonial home can't jump very high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tie say to the hat? I'll hang here, and you go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man came up to me and said \"Man, your clothes look gay\". I said \"I know, they came out of the closet this morning\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it It's an armadildo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space Because there is no atmosphere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Earth get on Earth day ? A birthday quake !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought one of those memory foam pillows the other day... ... Uh, I forgot what I was going to say about that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I'd rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sapphire's best friend tell her? \"You're a real gem.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "15 When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If people from Utah are called Utahns, what are people from Tampa called? Floridians"}
{"character": "random", "line": "China is already welcoming Biden China is already welcoming Biden.They have even named a central landmark in Beijing for Biden.\"FOR BIDEN CITY!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Both a surgeon and a tattoo artist have to have a steady hand, With the surgeon it's the difference between life and death, with the tattoo artist it's the difference between a beautiful mermaid and a fat bitch with an fish up her ass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wanna know what’s not illegal in California? Wildfires."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the Port of Subs down the street burned down? They should have been a Firehouse Subs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom The giraffe says \"pass the soap, please\"And the elephant says \"no soap, radio!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked into a psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head... ... a fried egg on each shoulder, and a piece of bacon over each ear.       \"What seems to be the problem?\" asked the psychiatrist.                        The man said: \"I'm worried about my brother.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is every American receiving a $1200 check? Because Trump always pay off the people he's fucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump wears so much makeup, I think he's hiding something And if his thick foundation is anything like mine, it's probably the bones of a half-dozen hookers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is common between Reddit and China? They both don't like opinions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying \"I TOLD YOU SO!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Giraffes eat? Macaroni and leaves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Russian leaders coffin? A czarcophahus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life vests no longer allowed on flights. Security specialists found out that they can blow up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rap battle event between lizards? A reptile diss function."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is an owl among us.. Friend: Who?Me: Exactly, we have to be careful.. wait a second"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a samurai’s favorite type of cheese? Sharp cheddar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline \"The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse\". When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror. And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself \"Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off? Not waking up to pee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up? Oh My Gourd!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime. No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between your ..... Penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play. Damn near froze to death on left wing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly. One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident Happened.So I went to a Lady and asked, \"Why everybody is Silent Today?\"The Lady replied, \"All Are Present Today.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dairy farmers say when they saw godzilla? Muenster!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data... Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for YEARS now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the beer made entirely out of rabbits, frogs and kangaroos? It’s mostly hops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the policeman go to the Lebanese restaurant? He was following up reports of a possible hummus side"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars. However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to name my hotdog \"The Moment\"... ...so I can relish it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None that's a hardware problem"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man turns to his wife and says: \"Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery.\" She asks: \"Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?\"  He replies: \"Take it all, go away.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums. He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is ISIS's favorite dinosaur? A terror-dactyl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the 80's pop band \"A Flock of Seagulls\" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a small pole that can swim? A tadpole"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Building yachts I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grandpa say to his grandson right before he kicked the bucket? “Hey do you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact. The rest of them are in North America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an explosives specialist from Oklahoma? OK boomer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine you're stuck in the ocean, surrounded by sharks. What do you do to save your life? Stop imagining."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room... ...they hired me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yankee candle, known for its fragranced candle line of products has revealed it is making an odourless candle for the first time ever It makes no scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My drug test came back negative. My dealer has some explaining to do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just accused me of having zero sense of empathy. I have no idea how she can feel that way."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes. ............Onlyfans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't phones ever go hungry? They have plenty of apps to choose from."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nothing's better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old. Those are the years you're in your prime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant He said: it’s naan of your business"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to DRAG ON and on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, \"Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?\"\"How dare you\", retorted the woman, \"I'm not some cheap pickup!\"\"Well then\", said the tramp, \"get the fuck out of my bed\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] long long size = 7; Int array[2];"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want to know how often i say element jokes? Periodically."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping? Croutons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is scooby's favorite DBZ character Roku"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crabs store their money? In the sand bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does one potato say to another when he’s horny? Wanna hash?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you catch a digital fish Online"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did I get kicked out All I did was go to the bank and the woman in front of me asked me if I could check her balance its not my fault she banged her head after"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The WWE wrestlers Edge & Test were big back in their day, even had separate fanbases believe it or not, Edges fans were called \"Th Edge-ed Edgies\"and Test fans were just a bunch of quality balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to make a joke about lifting the mask mandate in Texas but it's too soon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a giraffe have a long neck? So it can reach it's head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to, too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Ross from Friends always in the fountain in the intro? Because he’s a Schwimmer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ted’s grandmother pulls him aside at his eighth birthday party and hands him a five-dollar bill. “Here, this is a little something extra from Grandma. But not a word of this to your brothers and sisters.”The boy looks at the bill and responds, ...\"If you want me to stay quiet, it’s going to cost you a lot more.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sharks say when he ate a clownfish? This tastes a little funny.My real intention here is to ask you guys for some help... I need a 30 second english jokes because it's a requirement for my subject. PLEASE HELP ME."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Let's play strip poker. You can strip, and I'll poke you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Santa Claus and Johnny Sins? Santa Claus comes once a year"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hear the weather in Saudi Arabia is very Sunni... But the weather in Iran is Shiite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's almost summer! Time for Americans to start getting bleach body ready"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection After all, no one wants a hung jury"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My asian aunt's quiet daughter is called Nosai Hai.I think thats a great shy niece name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beggar I saw a beggar sleeping in a tyre.  I punctured it  . Now he is staying in a flat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how you beat shrines in Zelda: Breath of the Wild? Trials and errors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do I get to the top of r/jokes? Piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Jedi hate alarm clocks? Because of The Force Awakens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge: \"You have been found guilty of writing clickbait. You will be taken from here to a place of execution\" What happens next will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're looking for a relationship, become a roofer. You're bound to find hot shingles in your area"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a British bank robber? A quid-napper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs. I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guess how i escaped Iraq.. IranSYRIASLY"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Chinese guys break into a distillery. One turns and says to the other,\"Is this Whiskey?\"The other one says \"Yes, but notas Whiskey as wobbing a bank,!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just stole a freshly baked loaf of bread. Call that a hot take."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? \"Supplies!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is DJ Khaled's favorite number? Eleven. Because it's a 1. And another 1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear ? Whatever you want, he can't hear you.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the farmer that called his herd of pigs and ended up being trampled? Was the first report of sooey-cide in the whole state."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I let my daughter touch a fork for the first time. Where she put it was shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The medical examiner’s office was told to reduce their budget. So they had to start cutting coroners"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Ronnie Pickering invented the giraffe? He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up.“Don’t bother, young man,” said the customer. “It’s self-rising.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked \"why is that book so thick?\" Then i told him \"its a long story\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did ancient Grecians get memorialized? They had to urn it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he's flying? A Bill-in-air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn't work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the king of all school supplies? The ruler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't mummies take time off work? They're afraid to unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Dad used to work with a man named Mr. Pigg. He had two beautiful daughters, which he named... Imma and Urra."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only in England. £800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.But reduced to £400 if paid early.If you catch covid at the party, the government willgive you £500 to stay at home.That's £100 profit.This country is absolutely fucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the Japanese hate Christmas? Because the last time a Fat Man came to town, they lost half their population."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla Ice creamed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy tells the talent agent, \"My dog can talk.\" Talent agent: \"Prove it.\"Guy, to dog: \"How does sandpaper feel?\"Dog: *Rough, rough!*Guy: \"What's on top of a house?\"Dog: *Roof, roof!*Guy: \"Who was the greatest Yankee ever?\"Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*Talent agent throws them out of his office.D... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rick Astley doesn't mind lending out his Disney movies... But he's never gonna give you Up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple Apparently I’m Plum Crazy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. \"I'm a turtle\", he says.\"Oh... who's on your back?\"\"That's Michelle\", he replies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane? “I’m sending my thots and prayers.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Prince Philip meets Diana in heaven So Prince Philip enters the pearly gates and one of the first people he sees is Diana - whom he notoriously didn't like.\"Hello my dear, what a lovely halo you have,\" he says.\"Fuck off Philip, you know it's a steering wheel.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my friend told me I had a really bad sense of direction the other day I hate to admit it, but he was left"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Macy's is selling this new perfume that has that \"new Tesla smell\" They're calling it 'Elon Musk'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a tattoo of a gong Because I heard it's cool to get a tattoo of a Chinese cymbal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call walking trails behind a mental facility? Psycho-paths"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am dating this half korean chick I am dating this half korean chick Her mom is korean And her dad is korean But her legs got ripped of in a car accident"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me I have a terrible sense of direction I said, “where did that come from?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks It cost me an arm and a leg!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't like over confident people Edit: Thanks for the silver!Edit2: thanks for the gold!Edit3: thanks for the platinum!Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!Edit6: thanks for the ternium!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my niece ask me where babies come from, I told her that they come from the stork She then looked at me puzzled and asked, \"who fucked the stork.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama. Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says \"Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?\"She smiles and says, \"Yale.\"He says, \"YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher. I walked into his shop and said to him, \"Who told you you could sleep with my wife?\" He said, \"Everybody.\"Rodney Dangerfield"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level. It was a tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always tip my waiter. He always looks so surprised when he hits the floor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide. They used to, but the decent ones were never returned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes My dogs don't even own bikes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I said to my wife “You are my drug” She said:  “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”I replied:  “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to make a Star Wars joke today... But I didn't want to fourth it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I will not drown if i ever stuck in floods, Guess why? Because I am dead inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert died... He was working on the local brewery and fell inside the beer tank, drowning. It is believed he didn't suffer as  footage shows him leaving the tank twice to take a leak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Calvin’s dad insist that Calvin play D&D? It builds character"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't most sharks and whales read? They are not part of a school"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman stops a prostitute that was working on the streets \"Aren't you thinking what would your mother says if she sees you doing it on the streets?\"Until the woman responded: \"Hit me without a doubt because this is her alley\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself... Now there's someone who could use a good paddle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dickens: I wrote a book about ghosts **Publisher:** we need a christmas book**Dickens:** *[adding, like, 4 words]* I wrote a book about christmas ghosts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the journalist crumpled up on the office floor in tears? Because the editor removed his colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A polar cub goes to its mom. \\- Mom, is dad a polar bear?\\- Yes, my darling.\\- Is uncle Jim a polar bear?\\- Yes, son.\\- What about aunt Cindy?\\- Yes, she is a polar bear too.\\- Grandpa? Is grandpa a polar bear?\\- Yes. Grandpa is a polar bear. Same with grandma.\\- A... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank... Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Surgeon: “Just relax, Michael. It’s just a small surgery.” Patient: “My name isn’t Michael.”Surgeon: “I know, my name is Michael.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do farmers wear? Crop-tops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues\" the surgeon said The patient replies \"But my name isn't Steve\"Nervously, the surgeon replies \"But my name is\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the 89 degree angle not trusted He's never right"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!” I said “Well which one are ya then?!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best bakers use real butter so . . . . there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still... (•_•)( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)In *da* pendent"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gorillas see us how we see aliens, skinnier, smarter, less hair Or you might call them Asians"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sharks are eating a clown One says to the other “does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts love to drink? Ghoul Aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were Dracula's pancakes so terrible? He got turned into bat-ter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great pizza joke for you. Nevermind, it's too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by. I was never meant to be a hearse driver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction. I'm Lacoste intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drake visits a town famous for exporting coal... He wanders around for an hour or so but leaves disappointed as he couldn't find all the minors he had heard about."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks... I asked my cat and she said, \"Meow\". No help.I asked my bird and he said, \"Tweet\". Useless.I asked my dog and they said \"Rhytidome, you buffoon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white? Heigh Ho."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Blonde Girls chatting. Blonde 1: I understand how you get Bob from Robert& Bill from William, but how do you get Dick from Richard?Blonde 2: Show him your Pussy....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females. I replied \"mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down Iv never seen that much toasted bread before"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried making pancakes... But I ended up with flapjacks instead. I guess I used too much synonym"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a band of owls? The Hoo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop. I think it's a huge setup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name. Unfortunately Iran was already taken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to tell a joke about soup kitchens. But it was in poor taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best angle to approach any problem? The TRYangle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a cop, \"You know what my toddler's favourite type of scotch is?\" He frowned. \"What is it?\"\"Hopscotch,\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called \"Accessories To The Crime\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an artist who loves making stew? Stewart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do TV-detectives hate round buildings? The solution is always right around the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization? You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting \"repost!\" back to civilization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no school shootings in Afghanistan? America already bombed the schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank? After you make a deposit at the sperm bank, you lose interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was meeting my future father in law for the first time... He asked me, \"Are you here for my daughter's hand?\" In the interest of being honest, I replied, \"I'm mostly interested in her vagina.\" He was taken aback so I quickly added, \"but in a pinch her hand'll do the job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out... That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Johnny was looking out the window, straining his eyes... trying to read a billboard a half mile away.  When his friend asked him what he was doing, Johnny said, \"my mom says I can only go out and play if I have super vision\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women are like numbers If they are under 18 just do them in your head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage. It was elf and safety gone mad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cannibals freshen their breath? Men toes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which rapper has the worst perfume? 50 scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who is fluent in 3 languages and marginally conversant in 4th? Pi-Lingual."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself 'Why knot?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing. I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? Cause you know he is actually guilty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?\"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.\"He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two elderly ladies were sitting around complaining about things. Mertle: \"I can't stand when people shorten names that don't make sense.  I mean, I get Bob from Robert and Dave from David, but how do you get Dick from Richard?\"  Edna:  \"If you ask him nicely.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me...” So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. ~Rodney Dangerfield"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day, a zookeeper is walking around the zoo when he sees a man throwing $20 bills into all the exhibits he passes. \"Why are you throwing money into those cages?\" asks the zookeeper.\"Because that sign says it's okay,\" says the man, pointing to a sign.The zookeeper looks up at the sign. It says, \"Do not feed animals. $20 fine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two atoms are talking and one says \"I think I lost an electron.\" The other atom says \"Are you sure?\" The first atom replys \"Yes, I'm positive!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see each country has its own currency In the US they have the dollarIn the UK they have the pound In the EU they have the euroIn Australia they have toilet paper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The leper was upset at the expensive ambulance ride to the hospital It cost him an arm and a leg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is working at McDonald’s like being an archaeologist in Athens? Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names... she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire  It was in tents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill... ...Ruth hits a tree.  Johnny continues, ruthlessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my copilot, “What are all these buttons for?” He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back His friends see him and ask \"What are you supposed to be?\"\"A turtle\" the man replied\"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask\"Oh, thats just Michelle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? In Iraq"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra's if nothing is behind it? A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra's if nothing is in it?The woman answers: i also iron your underpants right?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a company that sells makeup? A foundation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" \"Don't call me later, call me Dad.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident? A: Yeah, now he's a rect-angle!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a skeleton's favourite drink? A full-bodied wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Masturbation hurts. Signed, Edward Scissorhands"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Tortoise's wife leave him for the Rabbit? Real men come second."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone once asked me \"What's your favourite shade?\" I said it was kind of a grey area"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cowboys are stranded in the desert... One cowboy sees a tree covered in bacon in the distance. He gets all excited and runs towards the bacon tree... As he reaches the bacon tree he gets shot to death. It turns out it wasn't a bacon tree... It was a hambush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a whale without underpants? Free Willy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection So she says, \"hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in.\"True stories can be jokes too.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do toy stores keep the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures? Aisle B, back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jesus turns up at a stoning. And asks what the person is getting stoned for. “Adultery” is the response from the crowd. Jesus replied “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”A voice from the crowd replied “for fucks sake Jesus, you always want to go first!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been spending the vast majority of my time completely alone over the last 4 months... I don't think I'm going crazy, but my imaginary friend tells me I may have a drinking problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I was going down on my grandmother and I tasted horse cum. Then I had a thought... what if that's how she died?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection After all, no one wants a hung jury"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can be your own secret santa! All you need is ambien and amazon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a a really good fisherman A master-baiter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy? Because he was a veteran Aryan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self.P.S. I know, it was super cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White. The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Party games are so different in the Star Wars galaxy... For example on Earth you bob for apples, but on Tatooine you Bib Fortuna."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gaming projectile was thrown by John Barrowman’s “Doctor Who” character to pass the time while he was traveling along the Congo River? The Dart of Harkness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife makes a great stew Really gonna miss her though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes. It was a dick tater ship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bride brought an AK-47 to her wedding, hoping no one would realize that she was dangerous. She was a veiled threat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins? Because half of them are coppers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is turtle wax so expensive? Because they only have little ears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do they play baseball games at night? Because the bats are asleep during the day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in the days, I'd only take just $1 with me to the supermarket and came back with 3 bottles of soda and 2 bags of crisps But these days, there are surveillance cameras everywhere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes. I was also disappointed by BBC news."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do drummers ask if they can take a break? It’s quite simple“Hey, you guys think we can work on stairway to heaven for a bit?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages??? Because centipedes would be too fast to fight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How large is a squirrels home? Approximately 4 squirrel feet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.” Ok Broomer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man in a hurry goes to a diner and ordered a pancake He asked, “Will it be long?”The cook replied, “No, it’ll be round.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man filled his a mine cart with fresh ore and pushed it out of the cave After a long day of work, he decided to play some sports with his friends. There was an accident, which caused the man to die.This shows that miner errors can have huge consequences."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother does unspeakable things at the beach. She sells sea-shells on the seashore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the letter arrive wet? Because it had postage dew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was. The end result was a tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know you've mistaken a bull for a cow? The taste of the milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I love working with animals” he says to his date. She replies, “wow I love a guy who is an animal lover! Where do you work?”He replies, “i am a butcher.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Rihanna get back with Chris Brown? Because she didn't want to be a one hit wonder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Meghan may face some akward times with the Royal Family at the funeral of Prince Philip But luckily, black is generally accepted at funerals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a chicken that is a ghost? a poultrygeistIll be taking my downvotes in advance thanks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February. edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just read an article saying my fav TV show killed off the main character. They buried the lead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner We found himalayan in the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A haircut is the biggest waste of money. I pay the same to get them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him... ...before he did his time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding. I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old. Prince Phillip scoffs at him. \"50?!\".DMX says \"Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies? He becomes a ghost-ghost writerOr...Drake's career ends either of the two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a canadian enchilada? A centimeter-alada"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22... Because 4:22 is 4:20 too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I? Banned from the supermarket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say to his wife when she gave him a private dance? Make it reindeer!- Credit to my brother"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when the people of Westeros have an incurable disease? Game of Crohn's"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went for a job as a contortionist... They asked, \"How flexible are you?\"I said, \"Well! I can't do Thursdays.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I find it hard to talk openly about the holes in my hands and feet Just feels likes there’s a lot of stigmata attached"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monday Science I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human…Needless to say, I am beside myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do writers always feel cold? Because they are surrounded by drafts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes. But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother. Catching her picking her nose just put me right off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in. Nowadays, Depend's"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently came up with a pirate-themed tabletop RPG, but then the makers of Dungeons and Dragons found out. They sent me a seas-and-d6 letter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of plant do ghosts like to hide behind? BamBOO!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a pickpocket went to a nudist beach... He hated it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. \"Is this good for wasps?\" he asks the assistant.To which she replies \"No, it kills them.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Barack say to Michelle when they're getting adventurous with their House of Cards roleplay? \"Let me be Claire.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently sharks can grow up to 30 feet. I thought they were called fins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two pigs are sitting in the sun One says: “I’m getting pretty hot!”The other says: “Yeah I’m bacon!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wendy’s has the Baconator and a smaller Baconator called Son of Baconator There is also a secret menu item called Stepson of Baconator where Wendy’s finds a burger and ignores it for 10 years while banging its mom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two forms of English The queen's English and spelling mistakes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With no sight of water in this vast desert we've been storing our urine in a bottle , but last night it was stolen... Now that's just taking the piss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the buffalo farmer go to the pride parade? He had a bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat? They’re always Russian or Dragging"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator... ...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing! And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation? **Pencil-vania!**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey did I tell you I need to get stomach surgery? I'm kinda nervous because the surgeons name is Dr Hans R. Shakey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other. It seemed like there was some beef between them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork... I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me.\"Don't go down there, Señor...\" he tells me, \"... Eet might be a Hambush.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla? People actually care if a gorilla dies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sliced loaf say to the uncliced loaf? OK bloomer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I ordered the Best of Pitbull CD off Amazon. All I got was a blank CD."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once a man a was shouting at Times square \" The president is an Idiot\" \"The president is an Idiot\" he yelled You can't defame the president, a cop arrested him\"Hey I didn't say 'our' president, I was talking about China\" Cop replied \"Shut up we know exactly which president is an Idiot\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the coolest disease to die from? Hypothermia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much TNT does it take to blow up a country? I don’t know, but the answer would probably blow your mind"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville Weed and Quack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the pancake arrested? Unwaffle activities"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf. I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, \"I'm sorry, but you only have ten left.\" The patient asks him, \"Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?\" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, \"Nine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only reason I went to Wimbledon was because I heard it was a women's singles event."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some crocodiles got together to write parody songs. It's a pun croc band."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie. He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. \"Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im so sorry internet Whats the differance between being hungry and hornyDepends where the cucumber goes!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called? Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just upgraded the office network after-hours and left home for the day. I haven't heard anything from the employees who started work this morning. I guess you could say I've created Schrödinger's network - until I go there I won't know whether everything's working, or if they're cut off from the outside world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is r/Jokes like a fencing match? ... because you usually win with a riposte!(This terrible pun is wholly original, so far as I know. Thus it will die in infamy without upvotes)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you have brain cancer? Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school. He didn't make the cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a package delivered And it was covered in drool and crayon.That's the last time I pay for a special delivery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never seen a cross dresser. But I've seen some very irritated credenzas,"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library. \"Hey! How much for a hot dog?\" He asks the librarian.The librarian says, \"are you crazy? This is a library!\"\"Oh, sorry about that.\" He answers.\"^How ^much ^for ^a ^hot ^dog?\" ^He ^whispers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you buy unlimited kid's toys? Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart. And then another...And then another...Add infant item"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw? You can tune a chain saw.Alternate answer: vibrato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a YouTube video about the violence I endured as a writer on board a U-boat Just hit subscribe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drum set and a snake falls off a cliff. The drummer and pet shop owner are very sad now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the strict grammar teachers break up? He forgot to use a colon, she missed a period, they both hated contractions, and when they think of their future life, it's only a parent they see."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tired googling about LGBTQ today just couldn't get a straight answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are atheists bad at exponents? Because they don’t believe in a higher power."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought chiropractors were a big hoax But I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a neckbeard and a cold beverage have in common? They get sweaty sitting at room temperature."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After just 2 days..... ...... I have lost my new job as the marketing manager of Nestle.They gave me a £3 million advertising budget and told me to spend it wisely or lose my job.I pulled up in my Ferrari this morning and said, “I’ve decided to lose my job.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party. His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor.  She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?” Like bro you were there wtf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob Ross said \"We don't make mistakes. We just have happy accidents.\" So, either he lied and my parents made a mistake or I'm an accident."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cover on my ironing board was wrinkled so I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of \"irony.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My drug test came back negative. My dealer has some explaining to do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to catch a polar bear: Dig a big hole out in the ice and place little green peas all around it... And when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking bad I was talking to someone about Breaking Bad and they asked me if I remembered who Hector Salamanca was, I told them that he rings a bell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver! As for your platinum and gold, spreddit, you won’t regreddit!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is P0rnhubs number 1 user Darth Maul? (I’m gonna get banned for this) Because he’s really horny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandson Talking to His Grandfather: \"Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?\"Grandpa: \"I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Stewie used to start a lot of fights That's why everyone called himBeef Stew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and.... Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pirates get some crazy deals in the mall. For example, they can get piercings for just a buccaneer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the other bugs call the bug who wanted to be an astronaut? A LUNAtick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water? A basic bitch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house I am home, but he was Homer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two nintendo fans doing incest? Super smash bros"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get \"saved\" or you'll \"burn\".. Stupid firemen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Brain transplants will never be possible. Change my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy : My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery? He ended up with a semi-colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wire just fell from the ceiling I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I understand why Jesus was crucified But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Ronnie Pickering invented the giraffe? He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...She said, she's sorry she ever married me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, \"I'm getting a divorce,\" she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn't work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do skeletons order at a restaurant? Spare ribs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Why did the turtle cross the road?\" \"To visit the idiot!\" ... \"Knock knock\" ... \"Who's there?\"...\"The turtle, you idiot!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've compiled a list of the top 10 click bait articles on the internet Number 7 will shock you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why could the vet not save the hyperactive goat? Because the goat was bleating out too fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is suicide illegal in china? Destruction of state property"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most mediocre element? So-Sodium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the stomach's favorite thing to read? Reader's digest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague. I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods Robert Frost remarks to his wife \"We've got miles to go before we sleep\"And his wife replies \"Well maybe if we hadn't taken the road less traveled by we'd be there already\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited the Middle East last year... And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.Too hard for the camels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? Cause you know he is actually guilty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? Ass crack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop.\" \"Oh, I see. So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference.\"\"Ah. I guess that could work too.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't women be writers? They're afraid of periods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say... ...\"This is the whey\"(Sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an owl's favourite drink? Hoot beer!Sorry, I made this joke up when I was 5 and just wanted to share :P"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened? 'Buns n Hoses'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trumps so good at making jobs He even opened some up in Iran!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft? They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't any of the others elements ever get in touch with Sodium? Because it's always NA."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy is having a check up at the doctor's... \"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?\"\"I doubt it\" sais the doctor shaking his head \"Mercury is in  Uranus right now\"\"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc\"\"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold. I just heard the President likes gold in showers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't they show vaginas in anime? Because then it would be a plot hole"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women have periods? Because they can't be questioned"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo mumma’s so fat The ocean beaches on her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a frog's favorite drug? Croakaine. Explains why they're hopped up all the time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is A criminal group of kangaroos called? A Gangaroo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar climbs onto a stool and screams, \"ASSHOLES!  ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!\"\"HEY!\" someone yells out.  \"You watch your mouth!\"\"Why?\" the guy challenges.  \"Are you a lawyer?\"\"No, I'm an asshole!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember, no matter how useless you think your job is . . . Somewhere, Anthony Fauci is providing advice to Trump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex Big mistake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fork: \"Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?\" Spoon: \"That was no ladle.  That was my knife.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried marrying a melon... But apparently we cantaloupe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be \"friends with benefits\". Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You got to admit these civil war reenactments are getting more efficient Nowadays it only takes a couple hours for the confederacy to surrender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups... well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my girlfriend came home covered in honey and stings I knew she was a keeper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my friend \"whats it like working at a tire factory?\" apparently it wears thin after a while"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen push CTRL + ALT + DELETE? She wanted the Task Manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my job as a surgeon. Apparently, I shouldn't have left unfinished work over the weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web? A TORtoise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y’know, one would have been enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a chihuahua that plays baseball? a lil pitchy dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly. One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident Happened.So I went to a Lady and asked, \"Why everybody is Silent Today?\"The Lady replied, \"All Are Present Today.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom? Because he was dribbling.  😊"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services? Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rumor has it that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin decided to team up with NASA to fake the moon landing together, but to make it look as realistic as possible, they urged NASA to film on location. Compliments of Neil De Grasse Tyson"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants. I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states Solid, liquid and gas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Introducing digital “crypto” humor. There is no set up. There’s no joke, and there is no punchline. You have to just trust that it’s funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for... Couldn't get a straight answer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can't be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I'm not dead yet!'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monsters are campaigning for a national holiday. They want to call it Fangs-giving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I’m terrified of owls Therapist: Who?Me: *Screams*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Abortion is now illegal So... I guess I’m an antivax parent"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the favorite drink of judges? Guil tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Only Idea Flat-Earthers Fear Is Sphere, Itself.my favorite joke ive ever created... and the only one..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized... It is open sauce"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between Reddit and children's television? Children don't throw tantrums when there's a rerun of some content."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the farmer stop stuffing goats into his truck? There was no more ruminant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women are the foundation of our society But men are the ones who laid the foundation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. \"Do you have any kids?\" she asked. \"Yes,\" I replied. \"I have one child that's just under two.\" She said, \"I might be blonde, but I know how many one is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toy helicopters are really popular They’re flying off the shelves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The last time Chuck Norris surfed the internet... ...he finished it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kitten that lost their tongue? Mew-t"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman has a car crash and afterwards is screaming \"Where's my baby?\" A policeman says to her, \"Your baby's over there\". \"And over there. And up there. And back there.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Therapist “how’s your mental health?” Me “well lets just say there is no health anymore” Im just mental now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cigarettes are like squirrels. Theyre perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Howdy this is Elvis and I have a joke for you fine people today. How come my hair has turned grey? Because I never dyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(OC) Why don't giraffes have stripes? Because God took one look at them and said, \"You know, that thing's so tall, it'll be easy to spot.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the beach next to the power plant closed? Because it is spark infested waters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A carpenter's workshop's light went out To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I brought a date to the 4th of July party... ...really sweetened up the fruit salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home... Guess she’s homeless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white? Heigh Ho."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was that bad in geography That I couldn't even find the class."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to? Royalty Free Music"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add \"art\" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language... it's SCHOOL"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a headache caused my someone stealing your wheat My-grain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who finishes last in medical school? Hopefully not my doctor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the sickly magician with blisters and bad breath? He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold. a couple of minutes later...911 what is your emergency?Jeez Finally!  One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!Are the other cubs safe??Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety and they said: \"what's school safety?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value? For example: 5 equals 5, but5! equals 120."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the blacksmith charged with? Forgery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar... Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thor likes to bust in and beat up the bad guys... His brother prefers to keep things low-key"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you address the queen of cows? Your moojesty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows They are way over my head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a used shirt from someone from Chernobyl Third hand"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go skinny dipping this summer But at least I went chubby dipping"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a COVID denier Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie. During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,\"Jesus died for your scenes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Schrodinger: \"We won't know the cat is dead or alive until we open the box.\" The box :\"Meow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a fine line... Between fishing, and standing by the shore looking like an idiot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the alpaca say to his date? \"Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust anything balloons say? They're full of hot air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind - it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, \"Don't worry, it'll grow on you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a potassium joke? K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters? Counter productive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly \"A man who lays with another man should be stoned\"Edit : Thanks for the silver kind strangers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok. I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I’m bad at it. No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My house was raided and the cops carted off books on algebra, trigonometry and calculus, plus dice and other probability-demo stuff. They said it was weapons of math instruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't couples do reverse cow girl in Alabama? You don't turn your back on family"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. \"Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself! Ok soot yourself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a bipolar Star Trek fan. I just went to the hospital to have my dilithium level checked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy space explorer? A procrastronaut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger... ...then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the longest sentence in the English language? ‘I do’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the carpenter say when noone believed they'd seen a ghost? \"I know what I saw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success. Apparently, they don't give a shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing? A Def Leppard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda... Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Axe should make a deodorant called \"English.\" Then if you wear it you can say you have an \"English Axe scent.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the ejaculate of a Russian Space-man? Cosmonut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister was yelling again and I slammed the door of her room so hard that a piece broke off the lock. Apparently, I fucked the shut up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mediterranean food doesn't agree with me.. I think it's too Greecey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if you stick a fork in an outlet? The answer might shock you..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost? Boooooooobs!You’re welcome. Happy Halloween everybody!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man turns to his wife and says: \"Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery.\" She asks: \"Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?\"  He replies: \"Take it all, go away.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a weeb's favorite element? Manga-nese"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas? Corollavirus. Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jasmine tried to attend a \"Disney Prince Only\" gathering She wasn't Aladdin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a man has money to burn... ...he'll find a woman who's a perfect match."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I realized why so many more men are astronauts. It's because we get our training when we pee.* We're working within a narrow margin.* A modest overshot means an unsatisfactory splashdown.* If we screw up, our own satisfaction be damned, we're pissing off more than ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... \"I'm scared\" said the little girl.\"You're scared?!\" Said the man. \"At least you don't have to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid. I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the priest dig a rabbit hole for the rooster? So he can stick his cock in before the first hare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Italian say when he tested his first successful skunk perfume on a volunteer? You reek-uh!OC- as far as I know"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat? Wendy’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top Tip Turn your sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The worst possible pet you can have is an atom They are always up to something when you're not looking, and when you look back they act totally innocent. If they are even still there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The robber waved a gun and warned the bank teller: \"Fill up this bag with cash or else you're geography!\" \"You mean history?\" \"Don't change the subject!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I share a sense of humour... Coz we have to...She doesn’t have one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him \"occupation?\"\"Vell, only if you insist \" he replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me about that manga writer who died recently I heard his whole fanbase is going Berserk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog, Mitten, ate two shuttlecocks this morning. \"*Bad* Mitten!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under? Fan fiction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My na always told that a great disease would be coming Guess she had a 2020 vision"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins, my friend said. Well, I replied, they were separated at birth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, \"I'm getting a divorce,\" she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get Texas to regulate their power grid? Rename it uterus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book.... They had an outage"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Queen of England had a gift for a man who would soon be knighted. She insisted that he be given the gift at the ceremony but told her staff to keep it a secret. She wanted it to be a Sir Prize."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a \"Fresh Baked Bread\" scented candle I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the  say to the ? Nice belt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*tips car* M'tor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That’s right, the steaks were pretty high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man argued with his wife over whether or not he stood with a hunch For months he maintained that his posture was fine. Finally, to prove her wrong, he made an appointment with a posture specialist. When he returned, his wife asked if the specialist agreed with her and helped him.  He replied, “I stand corrected.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard the Mint stopped making coins... It just doesn’t make cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mermaid wear to a Maths class ? An algaebra.Note: Not my original. I had read this somewhere a few years ago. Kudos to the original creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three knights in training were competing to see who could chop a mannequin into little pieces. The first one tries. He makes a small slice in the chest. The second one tries and he makes a large gash in the torso. The third one tries and slices the head off. He was a cut above the rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist? A: \"Is there a dog?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So last week i went into a country i thought was Afghanistan But the moment i checked the map I ran."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women… I'm calling it: Cadaviar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home? The Seizure salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Tesla’s new fragrance called? Elon Musk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath. I still don't know if I like self-checkout."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, \"I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.\" He turned around and said, \"So, you want me to stay?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gary is driving home from work and stops at a red light. At the crossing he sees his mate painted head to toe in green paint carrying a woman on his back. 'Hey Dave, what are you up to''Alright, Gary? Just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as a tortoise''So who's that on your back?''That's just Michelle'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chipotle guy asked, \"White rice or Brown rice ?\" I am not ricist, I said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the \"ca-hoots\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A time traveler meets a teacher “Can I ask you what month it it?”“May.”“Fine. *May* I ask you what month it is?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells ‟Do  not do it! You’ve so much potential!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The German women’s beach volleyball team plays against the Brazilian women’s beach volleyball team. Who wins? The audience"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Best way to vaccinate the masses Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it. Everyone will have it by Saturday. Thursday if you have Prime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China is already welcoming Biden China is already welcoming Biden.They have even named a central landmark in Beijing for Biden.\"FOR BIDEN CITY!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Billie Eilish just turned 18... ...now she’s too old for Drake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One from 3rd Grade: What's the name of the funniest mountain range? The Himhilarious"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the knight who is also a butcher? Sir Loin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Trump say when he hit the button on his alarm clock but it wouldn't stop beeping? Fake snooze"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once dumped a cross-eyed chick. Thought she was seeing someone else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The way I combed my hair in 7th grade is the worst part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a zoophile go-to polish his instruments? In his lab"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my Biology lab partner to let me be her DNA helicase... So I can unzip those genes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand. I appreciate the sediment, but..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oedipus, Aphrodite and Midas walk into a bar... ... I forget the rest but I can assure you it’s mother-fucking gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War? World War Won"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spin the Bottle When I was a kid, all of us kids played 'Spin the bottle'. A girl would spin the bottle. If it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.By the time I was 16, I owned my own house..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls. But these are just miner details."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe... It's called ThanOS"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100. Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got pulled over by a cop this morning He came to my window and said \"Do you know why I pulled you over?\"I said, \"No officer - I thought for sure you'd know.\"LPT - Don't do this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a proud American! I bleed red white and blue because I can’t afford to go to the hospital and find out what the hell is wrong with me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Reese eat cereal? Witherspoon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, \"That's a novel concept.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do John Edward and Stevie Wonder have in common? They've both made a lot of money from Superstition"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud? One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self.P.S. I know, it was super cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it? Run for president."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: Your dad’s not with us anymore Me: Damn, what happened? Doctor: He’s at a different hospital Me: Oh, whew Doctor: Dead tho"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Blackjack, why do they call \"17\" the mother in law? Why?'Cause sometimes u wanna hit it but u can't-kevin hart-"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A village idiot walks into a library He goes to the librarian and says, \"Ma'am, I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare.\"The librarian says, \"Sure, hon.  Which one?\"The idiot says, \"William\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old friend, now living in China, called me. I asked him how life is over there and if he's doing well. He said \"Ah well , you know. I can't complain\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a new friend at the mall recently. He said to me , \"I'm a man of few words.\" And I replied, \"Yeah, I'm married too.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a School bus and a pineapple? The little pricks are on the outside of the pineapple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat An aerial view of a toilet lid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do baseball scouts look for when they go to a Mexican restaurant? Fajitas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my son I was named after Albert Einstein \"But your name is Brian\", he said.\"Yeah, I know - and I was named *after* Albert Einstein\", you little prick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder And i thought to myself ‘oh thats a little CONdescending"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman: why do you keep beating your wife?? Me: I think it's the weight difference, the longer reach, and superior footwork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s not a good idea to have a horse as a pet if you live in a city. They need to grow up ..in a stable environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do babies want to use the internet? So they can Google Gaga."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that going to school is important but becoming a instagram model is importanter!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to tenderuse young goats meat But everyone got upset when i told them i beat kids meat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best part about having Alzheimer’s disease? You can hide your own Easter eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you like pop music, like Imagine Dragons? Well imagine dragon these nuts across your chin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An inteovert elephant and an emo giraffe walks into a bar.. They couldnt fit in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, \"How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?\"I replied, \"Single-handedly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the beaver find after his home was destroyed by a flood? Not a dam thing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can make you see your brain! That's just how eye-roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Statistician is playing darts The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, \"bullseye!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill and Melinda started out as an Office romance But his PowerPoint didn't Excel. So she denied him Access without a Word. Outlook not good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "why summer didn't have any friends because she wasn't cool enough"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the stoner say to his girlfriend? \"I love you more than leaf itself.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15. Did you make a prophet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss is refusing to let my string quartet play for a coworker's birthday party next week. He says he has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to workplace violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my friend bought tickets for the super bowl Llll on February 3rd 2019 in Atlanta not realizing that it is also the day of his marriage. so if someone is interested The church is in Rochester, the womens name is Clarissa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was in a cafe He took one sip of the coffee, and grimaced.Walking to the barista, he asked why it tasted so bad.The barista shrugged, and told him \"well, it was ground this morning!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan? Because of the Taliban(say it out loud)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the Apostle Paul, Bon Jovi and Manfred Mann's Earth Band all have in common? They were all \"blinded by the light\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a clam fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits one fucks between shits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After Hunt for Red October came out, my family moved from Moscow to San Francisco, where I became a fan of the 49ers with Steve Young as Quarterback I would have liked to have seen Montana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a random selection of sailors? A seamen sample"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight... watch out for the revenge of the fifth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hutterite Jokes How did the Hutterite man find his daughter in the woods?Quite satisfyingWhat do you call the sweat between two hutterites having sex?relative humidity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Sandscript, Comic Sans, and Times New Roman walk into a bar. They order a drink and the bartender says, “Hey you, get out of here! We don’t serve your type!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between a piano, a keyboard and a bottle of glue? The piano doesnt need electricity, the keyboard does."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist? Hall'n Oates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do skeletons know what is about to happen? They can feel it in their bones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, \"You weren't even listening, were you?\" And I thought, \"that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are surprised that I have a Police record, but I love \"Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple? They're both red. Except for the green one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes....she gave me a hug."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vegans don't beat their meat They jerk their vegetable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's not been made public, but Robert De Niro recently became the father of a boy called Tom. Apparently, he almost spoke his first word the other day.De Niro asked him, \"You talking, Tommy?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German visits Poland. A German visits Poland, and is stopped at the boarder by a Polish official.The Polish Official asked \"Occupation?\"The German replied \"Yes,\" and thus began the bloodiest conflict in human history."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between humans and a bullet? Humans miss John Lennon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my brother if he could help me think of a synonym for \"pamphlet.\" \"Ya bro sure!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orca-stra."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just gave all my life savings to the San Andreas foundation. You might say I’m generous to a fault."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: \"I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character\" Psychologist: \"That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?\"Man: \"Ever since I was an outline...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a dyslexic sapiosexual today They said they were very attracted to my brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Chinese music is called C-pop, Korean music is called K-pop, and Japanese music is called J-pop, what do you call Drake's music? Crap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five... But he just left him hanging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one tire say to the other tire? I wheel-y like you.- LJ, age 7"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I got out of the bathroom. Spoke to a friend saying \" I can't believe thier still together after that shit.\"My friend said \"Who\"And I responded \"My ass cheeks\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Error 4:04 Sleep not found"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. \"Not at all\", I replied. \"What are the odds of both of us being killers?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are working conditions at the Tyre shop so poor? Because the squeaky wheel gets replaced"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?” “A hop-eration”Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thank you weight loss surgeons What you do takes guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population #1. USA: 318.9 million #2. China: 1.357 billion#3. Japan: 173.3 million#4. Australia: 48 as of last census"}
{"character": "random", "line": "PRIEST: you may now read the vows you have prepared ME: I think I misunderstood the assignment\"just read what you have\"ME: ok [deep breath]... A E I O U"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path! Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic. They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that Kelly McGillis won’t be returning for Top Gun 2. Guess which other Top Gun actor won’t have a cameo in the sequel? Goose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the cruelest thing you can do to a blind person? 'Caution- Hot surface' in braille."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guess who’s getting some head tonight My pillow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[while new car shopping] Customer: \"Cargo space?\" Salesman: \"Car no do that.  Car go road.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A goat tells her boyfriend she's pregnant. He immediately replies, \"What? You're kidding!\"To which she replies back, \"Yeah, that's what I said.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Potatoes are taking over the world... They say it's the rise of the mashines"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box. I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena's full name is \"John Felix Anthony Cena Jr.\" Didn't see that one coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A UNIX Salesperson A unix salesperson named LenoreLoved her job, but loved the beach more.She devised such a wayto combine work and play:She sells C-shells by the seashore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm going into therapy to deal with my fear of escalators, but it shouldn't take long ... It's only a one step program."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mother In Law A husband and wife had a fight.Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a jumper and a sweater? A sweater doesn’t go splat after falling 40 stories..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the policeman say to his stomach? You’re under a vest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake. I'm on a work trip and I just texted her \"having a wonderful time, wish you were her.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a local shoe store was doing a promo to increase sales. Buy one, get another one free."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Swan represents happiness, then what bird symbolizes true love? The Swallow.(This is my third anniversary posting this joke on a time line near Valentines. My yearly repost if you will)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to throw out all of my danish currency I didn't wanna catch the Kronervirus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, \"How was your journey?\"The baby mosquito replied, \"It went great, everyone was clapping for me!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a good thing about a novelist conman? He may have a lot of cons, but he also has a lot of prose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served. The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend fell sick because he couldn't pay his water bills.... I hope he gets Well soon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got pulled over by a cop this morning He came to my window and said \"Do you know why I pulled you over?\"I said, \"No officer - I thought for sure you'd know.\"LPT - Don't do this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Friend: \"Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?\" Me: \"Brochure\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, We don't serve string here. So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago? The string says, No sir, I'm a frayed knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: I'm cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner - it's 90 degrees!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Friend: \"Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?\" Me: \"Brochure\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have a daughter named after my mother in law Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a group to play basketball and then discuss philosophy It's called \"shoot first, ask questions later\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For sale. Muhammed Ali DVD set. George Foreman Grill. Both boxed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from my trip to Iran It was a blast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex... Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a brown-noser clean their mask? They shake the sh*t out of it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself.. .. this isn't for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John was the best liver surgeon in his hospital. I guess you could say he always de-livered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any “C”s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes. He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once went out with a girl who had really bad eczema on her chest... She had a cracking pair of tits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Hydrogens walk into a bar and spot an Oxygen Feeling adventurous, they approach her and ask \"Hey baby, can we interest you in a waterway?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A preschool teacher is teaching a student basic geography Teacher: \"what state do you live in?\"Student: \"denial.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time files when you're having fun Meanwhile one frog to another, \"Times fun when you're having flies\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call a gong that honks every time you hit? Honk Gong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today... my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I looked her up and down and said girl your looking fine Then she pulled out a penis that was twice the size of mine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The job posting said they were looking for a self-starter so I called and told them I was hired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a dyslexic sapiosexual today They said they were very attracted to my brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is watching TV together... ...and the man keeps switching channels back and forth between golf and porn over and over again.Finally, his partner says \"Jesus Christ,can you stop doing that please? Just leave it on porn! You already know how to play golf.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS... He turns to his crewmate and says:\"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee.\"The crewmate replies:\"In space no one can, here use cream.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-o acid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "i was just reading the obituary of a carmelite nun who turned away from a life of prostitution after seeing a vision of the virgin mary. she went out with a wimple and not a bang."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating life If my relationship doesn't work out I want to be a suicide hotline doctor... I need a nice way to meet chicks with no strings attached."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning. His mother was furious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Prince Philip meets Diana in heaven So Prince Philip enters the pearly gates and one of the first people he sees is Diana - whom he notoriously didn't like.\"Hello my dear, what a lovely halo you have,\" he says.\"Fuck off Philip, you know it's a steering wheel.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together. I said “let’s not get ahead of our shelves”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Aussie girls an their period? Bloody legends"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I knew I shouldn’t have started dating a bull fighter— There were big red flags!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you do if all US currency turned in to cheese? Personally I'd just start using a swiss bank"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file? \"Do you want to save those changes?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them. Call that a defense magnesium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My five-year-old said he wanted a kitten for Christmas. Usually we have turkey, but why not?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I introduced my girlfriend to the family Me: hello everyone, meet JasmineJasmine: HiWife: what the fuck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you made of Copper, Nitrogen, Terbium, and Silver? Because you are a CuNTbAg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] I was blown away... When I found out I had been selected by IS for the next round of suicide missions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost both arms to a motorcycle accident. I think there’s something wrong with my legs too but I just can’t put my finger on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 has a new calendar out JanuaryFebruaryLockdownDecember"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad has colon cancer It's shitty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was looking for my pillow while I slept. Turns out it was right under my nose the whole time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother. She's an animal in bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic. A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.The nursed asked the rabbit: \"What is your blood type?\"\"I am probably a type O\" said the rabbit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31, Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.  Pay the same bills but get less time  And guess if you get 28 or 29.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I filled a steam engine with Holy Water. The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The car looks great but the muffler seems exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $ You know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't find my Gone in 60 seconds' DVD. It was here a minute ago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Say what you want about Edward Scissorhands... but I think he's a pretty sharp guy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pizza slice walks into a bar asking for a drink The bartender says: \"Sorry, we don't serve food here\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the funniest part of doing an office conga-line? When you look back and realise you’re doing it alone and you’re not in an office, you’re in a psychiatric hospital."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Bri'ish people never pronounce the letter 't' ? Because they drank it all"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables? He staged a high coup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot? They really should. It would be a real Page-turner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy tried lifting 40 pound dumbbells \"This is too much.\" He decided.He spent his money on cheaper dumbbells"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see my doctor, he asked for a stool sample.. So i decided to take carpentry classes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War? Trump dodged the Vietnam War."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is no such color as Ghostly yellow! It is just a pigment of your imagination!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Alligator sees you later, a Crocodile sees you in awhile. When does a Caiman see you? This isn't a joke, I want answers. Please. I've never wanted to know anything more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence. Jimmy went to school and ate his lunchbecomesJimmy went to school and ate his colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why we rarely see male live streaming masturbation like camgirls? Because the stream ends in 2 minutes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "ME: do you like Dick Tracy? **HER:** Yes, but it’s Sharon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out? That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was air drumming some Metallica at a stop light. I lost a drumstick out the window and quickly changed to Def Leppard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what are cows knees called? burger joints"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customer to half deaf hooker: \"How much for another romp?\" Half deaf hooker: \"Come again?\" Customer: \"Yes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Edward Woodward have so many “D’s” in his name? Because otherwise his name would be Ee-wah Woo-wah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the celery say to the carrot? You've got a point.Credit to my niece"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you turn a penny into a dollar? Cut it into four quarters. I haven't seen this one before and i just thought of it on my own but if it's already been done I'm sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the half-assed programmer? Apparently he had a missing semi-colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new job at the prison library It has its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife’s showing symptoms of Alzheimers. She’s telling me everyday that she can’t remember what she saw in me that made her marry me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, \"I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?\" The owner says \"GET THE FUCK OUT!\"The Republican responds \"Yeah! That's the one!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people draw a circle or an oval... I mean seriously, it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking. My uncle smoked, and he only died once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a gamer look out for during match making? Backwards Compatability"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen and potassium went on a date... ...it went ok.Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.The other chemicals were like 'omg'!Two noble gases went on a date.There was no reaction.Two protons went on a date.There was no attraction.Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.They felt... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember my first breath. Sadly I'm now addicted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm Sir Cum Sized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Miss piggy has filed for divorce from Kermit the frog... ...cause Kermit converted to Judaism and can no longer eat pork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "98% of all Jeeps ever made are still on the road today. The other 2% made it home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back? Because there's a squirrel in the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them \"Scraps\". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the oyster leave the party early He pulled a mussel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist? A: \"Is there a dog?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The recipe said \"prick with a fork\" but enough about me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fisherman do when he really liked a woman? He invited her over to net fish and krill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man, renowned for rapidly building subterranean parking access for wealthy people that always followed the same design, was taken to the hospital after completing his 500th that year. After careful examinations, doctors diagnosed the man with car port tunnel syndrome."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many people say a diploma is just a piece of paper. I as an educated person beg to differ It's a piece of cardboard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: Oi - get out. We don't want your type here. Beef jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the guy who invented the zero... Thanks for nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can one bird make a pun? No, but toucan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes. I am a surgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a book that said it could help me harness the power of ADHD. I never finished it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a farmer who had a machine which caculated the angle you sat. He called it his pro-tractor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins... All the lads were very impressed but one asked;  \"How do you tell them apart?\"  \"Easy\", I said, \"Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize an outer space party? You planet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it. This is because windows no longer supports Flash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the judge deny the ghost bail? Too much of a fright risk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade ?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when four kangaroos have sex? A kangbang"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two explorers are walking down a path in a jungle. One signals the other to stop and come over with his hand. \"Don't make a noise.\" he whispers, and points to a place between two trees... ... they slowly come close to find a steaming pile of shit. \"What does this mean?\" he asks taking off his hat and fanning the smell away. \"Well Bill, if you find a piece of stinky shit sure enough there is an asshole nearby!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am friends with a farmer and his windmill. One likes country music while the other is a big metal fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Star Wars movies released in the order of 456, 123, 789? Released by Yoda they were"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between \"ooo\" and \"aaa\"? About three centimeters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put on my mask before I entered the bank, but everyone still got super pissed at me. Turns out, you're not allowed to go in with a shotgun and loudly ask to make a substantial withdrawal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So two men walk into a tie shop The first men asks \"Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest\"  The second man responds \"nah we will probably end up in a tie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom. I'm pissed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It is only when you see a mosquito land on your balls... that you realize there's always a way to solve problems without using violence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took some fiber supplements today Good shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a laundromat a bad place to pick up women? Because if she can't afford a washer and dryer, she will never be able to support your broke ass..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siamese cats are a great choice for a cat lover on a budget. You get two for the price of one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whay did the plate say to the fridge? Y'all stay cool, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name \"boobies pics\" I never understood why bird watching was wrong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments? It became an  a cappellago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to, too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A knight used to party hard He was called Sir Dancelot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to watch a music movie... But it was full of sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pros and cons of cooking food Pros: foodCons: cooking"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\nWhenever my husband opens his wardrobe he shouts and curses.\n I think he's a cross dresser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a parking lot with only two spaces It’s really a parking little."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ants wait until the bear's favourite song came on before stealing his jelly? Because nobody would understand what was going on when he yelled \"YO! THAT'S MY JAM!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Limerick There once was a man from Port CrownWho went to a doctor in town.The doc gave to heA sup-po-si-to-ry.\"I will not take this sitting down!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The lead actor in a play has become very ill. This is a case of lead poisoning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf Just Kuwait and sea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ... ... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe So therefore your honour she was legal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rap battle event between lizards? A reptile diss function."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying dinosaur that uses its hands to see? A tactiledactyl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the US is getting back to normal after Covid19? There's been two mass shootings in the past week"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a farmer and a pimp? The farmer makes an honest living with his hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS. There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed \"Wife mode\". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,\"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?\"\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge \"I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight\" The judge responds \"what's she doing\"The guy says \"looking for me\"...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you do up your zipper when you go to Ukraine? Chernobyl fall out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him. He’s the new temp."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women are like parking spaces All the good ones are taken so when no ones looking you put it in a disabled one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter? A Brazilian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Exhibitionist walks into a bar An Exhibitionist walks into a bar and starts having passionate sex with another customer. The bartender walks over and interrupts the two.Bartender: “You can’t have sex in public.”Exhibitionist: “Watch me.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 5-year-old niece's twist on an old pirate joke **Question:** Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet?**Answer:** Because his 'I' was all jacked up.*...she cracks me up*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best time of day? 6:30, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fisherman say to the magician? \"Pick a cod, any cod.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad if he could put the cat out. He replied, \"I didn't know it was on fire.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Sorry, I was all up in your grill about cooking yesterday.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: What's that? Dad: It's a henweigh. Kid: What's a henweigh? Dad: About two pounds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it's corny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get? The No-bell prize."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rapper with flatulence? 50 scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file. I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was admitted to the hospital today with 20 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a snowman's favourite breakfast? Ice Krispies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, \"Pig!\" The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, \"Bitch!\" They continue on their way, and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had to smell like two things for the rest of my life, I'd pick lavender and citrus. But that's just my two scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a vegetarian zombie say? Grains! Grains!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish all other languages were deemed un-finnished"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.” Has tested positive for the virus!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY He has only his shelf to blame"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Choose a new password Choose a new password :potato Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters. boiled potato Sorry, password must contain at least one number.1 boiled potato Sorry, password cannot contain spaces50fuckingboiledpotatoesSorry, password mu... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mushroom walks into a bar and sidles up to a stool. Bartender: “You’ll need to leave. We don’t serve your kind here.”Mushroom: “Why not? I’m a . . . fun-gi.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Obvious media bias Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My instructor asked me, \"Can you read that car's license plate from here?\" I answered, \"YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do doctors make more money from circumcisions than other types of procedures? It's the only procedure in which they collect tips!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my dad beat cancer. By the way what is your mom's zodiac sign?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How warm is a janitor's closet? Broom Temperature."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke a customer told me when I used to work at a call center A husband is eating dinner with his wife and he decides to ask her\"honey how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm\"the wife replies \"oh I just don't want to bother you while you're at work\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway.... ....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I kept adding my input, saying that this channel wasn’t really a good one. But it didn’t work. I then realized that my tv was bad at reading signals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Richard Fight Just like the Josh Fight, if there was one for the Richards, the person who won would be crowned the ultimate dick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark Otherwise you might tell someone \"your daughter is having their first question mark.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man visits Harvard Visitor in Harvard Square:  \"Excuse me, where's the library at?\"Harvard student:  \"Sir, this is Harvard.  We don't end our sentences with prepositions.\"Visitor:  \"Oh, I'm sorry.  I meant to ask, where's the library at, asshole?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire. Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man forgot to zip his trousers... so a lady told him politely... “Sir your garage is open.” The man gave her a naughty smile and zipped his trousers and asked.. “Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?”The lady smiled back and said..“No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning. The woman behind the counter asked, \"How would you like your eggs cooked.\" \"Does it affect the price?\" I said. \"No, not at all.\" she replied. \"In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates? They always destroy the shredder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of. Kind of.. Kung Fusing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Roses are red, violets are red, if you aren’t red, you get shot in the head.” \\-Stalin 1946"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password? A battering R.A.M."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A redneck couple gets pregnant, what will they have? Either a niece or a nephew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer? Depends what you smoke.(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which occupation is the most perverted? Electrician - they’re always looking for strippers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TicketMaster was just fined $10 million for hacking into a competitor At least they were told it would be $10 million, but when they went on the court's website to pay the fine, the site tacked on a bunch of \"processing fees\" and \"venue charges\" and the total came out to more like $15 million."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold. a couple of minutes later...911 what is your emergency?Jeez Finally!  One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!Are the other cubs safe??Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superman lost all of his money on a digital currency scheme It was his cryptonite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future. Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed. It would be a real game changer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit. Mitch better have my bunny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone says communism is a bad idea . But I'm weirdly attracted to it.It must be because of all the red flags."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ISIS and little miss muffet have in common? They both have Kurds in their wayCredit to /u/MolecularAnthony"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Denmark: \"We will kill 17 million minks by 2021.\" China: \"I killed 20 million in two weeks.\"World: \"You killed 20 million minks in 2 weeks??\"China: \"Oh no, sorry, I must've misheard you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman: why do you keep beating your wife?? Me: I think it's the weight difference, the longer reach, and superior footwork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who played Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels? Emperor Palpatine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away Sounds far fetched"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you try writing with a broken pencil? It's pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was Sherlock Holmes' favorite protein source? Mystery meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a dad joke cost $1000? When it's a granddad joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning my alarm went off early. I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall' to her. I said \"Maybe...\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You can drop a load in a washer and it doesn't follow you around for two weeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a job fair and loudly announced that somebody was either going to have to give me a job or drag me out kicking and screaming. I'm an editor at WikiLeaks now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Geography Lesson from Flock of Seagulls Y'see, kids, Canada is to the north of the US, and Mexico's to the south, *and Iran, Iran's so far away*."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m always playing with it. I always have it in my hand. I pull it out at family parties or hanging out with friends. I’ve been known to just whip it out in public, at the park, at the playground. I’m talking about my phone, you sicko!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do K-pop fans suffer from flashbacks after traumatic events? Because they have BTSD."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds. WHO let the dogs out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the potato go to the doctor? Because of tuber-colosis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, \"Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.\" The boy looks over and responds, \"My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five\".The man replies, \"And he ate that much chocolate?\"\"No\" says the boy, \"But he minded his own fckng business.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands! I'm happy to announce in october were going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a conspiracy theorist's favorite track and field event? Sheeplechase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to be an engineer for Canadian pacific railways... But they said they couldn't train me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke From My Niece Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a surrogate mother in the White House? The secret cervix."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have some wire frames and a curved lens. Is that anything to make a spectacle of?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Anthony Mundine and two minute noodles? [OC] About 25 seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie. On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.On Thursday, 3.On Friday, 5.On Saturday, 8.And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.That is the fibber-Nazi sequence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother is afraid that robots will replace him. If he would look in his wife's bedside dresser he would realize he already has been"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend was raving about our neighbors Marble Countertops. I was unimpressed, but maybe I just took them for Granite"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way... Maybe being a tour guide wasn't such a great idea after all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Employees calls his boss to tell him he can't come in for work today because he is sick. The boss tells the employee \"Whenever I get sick, I have sex with my wife. Maybe try that?\"Later that day, the employee calls his boss and said \"Thanks for the tip! I feel so much better now! Also, you have a nice house!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found out last night that trail mix makes me gassy. So, in reality, I don't know what the fuck makes me gassy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar \"Who the fuck painted my whole motorcycle pink??\"A 2m tall muscular guy gets up from the table: \"Me, why?\"\"Nothing, paint is dry and it's time for the second coat\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The voices in my head are ok, I can deal with them… It’s the voices outside my head that bother me and fuck my life up…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content. A coronaissance, if you will."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes. I am a surgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Covid restrictions... I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far. They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register. I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mosquito bit me 8 times. Mosquito byte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a health conscious cannibal? A humanitarian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a beehive to start my beekeeping company I thought it was a good bees nest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Interactive Pirate Joke \"What's a pirate's favorite letter? ArrrrWhat's a pirate's favorite color? ArrrrangeWhat's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?\"at this point you pause and wait for your audience to say \"the arrrmy\"\"No, the Navy, dumbass\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? A Do-you-think-he-saurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "LGBTQ+ lives are like objects that have mass and occupy space they matter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you turn a washer into a snow blower? Hand her a shovel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the beer made entirely out of rabbits, frogs and kangaroos? It’s mostly hops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase. I have too much shelf respect."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask It's called Natural Selection"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the oyster get dumped by his girlfriend? He’s shellfish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job of making leaf blowers... because they all sucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man gets himself a date and decides to surprise the girl with some flowers. He walks into a flower shop and the florist asks \"Hey, what are you looking for, specifically?\"The man says \"To have sex\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody asked if I like potato skins. It was a loaded question!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long  Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife... He said, \"Meet Patty\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't decide whether to use a chair or step stool to reach the top shelf... I went with the ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: \"Book, book, book\" The librarian hands out three books to the chicken.On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: \"Book, book, book\"The frog replies: \"Reddit, reddit, reddit\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a Prostitute’s favorite part of leaving a tall building? Going down on the elevator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Robert Oppenheimer's wife go to the beach naked? There was no bikini atoll"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you eat Wookie meat? Because it's too chewy..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You're a sandwich!'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do monsters love writing books in a cemetery? Because they have great plots."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did everyone enjoy being around the volcano? It's just so lava-ble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the fastest growing city in the world? Capital of Ireland. It's Dublin everyday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The vagina... The best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger. It's self lubricating. It takes any size piston and change's its own oil every four weeks. It just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said last night \"You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game\" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato that looks like a penis? A dictator.What do you call a regular looking potato?A commentator.There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?The one that says Idaho on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got in trouble with wife last night.... I told her that if she was a celestial body, she would be a supernova. She said \"Because I am so hot?\"I shouldn't have replied \"no, because you are expanding at an alarming rate.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a soap opera called \"Touched By An Angle\" but most episodes just went off on tangents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote a movie about a male sheep and his son enjoying a Hostess pastry. I call it*Ram, a Lamb, a Ding Dong*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Angelina Jolie walks into a florists.'I'd like to buy some flowers', she says. 'Orchids?' says the florist. 'No, just flowers today'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with \"disappearing ink\" a hoax."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cleveland has announced their baseball team will no longer be called \"The Indians\". It's about time. Now we can finally call them the Cleveland Steamers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can blow your nose, you can blow your friends but you can't blow your friend's nose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel is a ground breaking invention, but it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation by storm. However, the invention of the wheel got things rolling... And I’m just here wondering why our feet smell and our nose run..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods has really picked up his game He used to only flip his golf club"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I underwent surgery and now I've got a ten inch cock. I think I'm going to need another reduction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anheuser Busch is using a Georgia brewery to can water for flood victims in Oklahoma and Texas They're labeling very clearly so people don't confuse it with Bud Light"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a package delivered And it was covered in drool and crayon.That's the last time I pay for a special delivery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Blackjack, why do they call \"17\" the mother in law? Why?'Cause sometimes u wanna hit it but u can't-kevin hart-"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most Star Trek fans aren't big into poetry, so I knew that writing and publishing a book of Trek-themed poems would be risky but rewarding. The project had its prose and Khans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables. The maître d' says \"I'll let ya in, but don't start anything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked \"Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A roman guy walks into a bar, lifts two fingers and says: \"I'll take five beers\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I heard 24-hour Fitness filed for bankruptcy. I guess they ran out of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a magic owl HoodiniSorry if somebody made this joke already"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lots of people are upset that R. Kelly posted bail, don't worry though It's better to be pissed off than pissed on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother which is niece"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Oh honey, are you the Middle East?\" \"Because you are one screwed-up mess, but I can't resist getting involved!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies? He becomes a ghost-ghost writerOr...Drake's career ends either of the two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel. Got kicked out of pottery class too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend out-dad joked me today Scene: I’m making coffee and using scissors to open a new bag of coffee:Me: These scissors are blunt, we need new ones.Her: Well they work fine on paper.Me: *facepalm* The student surpasses the master. I’m not even mad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only a bank ATM will charge you $3 to get your money back Then tell you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down Iv never seen that much toasted bread before"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once dated a clairvoyant. But it ended when she said she was seeing my great Grandfather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A supervillain walks into a bank and says, \"I'm Mr Marijuana Frostbite...! ...and I'm a stoned cold killer!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter \"F\"? The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Homer Simpson's favorite toy? Play D'oh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Damn girl are you David Hasselhoff? Because I wanna ride you like Spongebob and Patrick getting the crown to Bikini Bottom from Shell City to save the day and Mr. Krabs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think Daniel Radcliffe could ever play a hobbit? No, but Elijah would."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What position did Jesus play on his baseball team? Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, \"And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow.\" She then glared off camera and continued... \"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked? Because the sign said tennis shoes only.*edit*Thanks for the sliver kind person"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a marker raises a good argument? A fine point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the young Amish woman banished from her community? Two Mennonite"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose? Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do? \"Because fuck u that's why.\" -- George Washington, Revolutionary War"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I heard Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, I almost felt sorry for the annoying, creepy little parasite. Can't say the same about Bieber though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out... ...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dalmatian puppies, but the only pups in my neighborhood are all white. I spotted one this morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase \"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine\" It was former US President Abraham Lincoln."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't break an electric toothbrush If it stops working, it becomes a toothbrush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the French never order 2 eggs? Because one egg is an oeuf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to dis-a-brie?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't get a reservation at the library. Because they were completely booked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can a leopard change his spots? By moving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call malware on a Kindle? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked into a pet shop. I said, \"I want to return this bird cage. My girlfriend's parrot is dead. Choked to death.\"He said, \"Have you got the receipt?\"I said, \"No.\"He said, \"Why not? We need proof that you paid for it.\"I said, \"The parrot ate it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my parents might be meth heads. The tooth fairy keeps taking my money and leaving behind teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many people say a diploma is just a piece of paper. I as an educated person beg to differ It's a piece of cardboard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers... Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu? A gastrophysicist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little known fact, the mods of /r/Jokes are all actually Peruvian owls… I think they're Inca hoots…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses say when their food gets stolen? Hay come back!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This waitress asked me a really stupid question She said, \"how did you find your steak sir?\"I said, \"well, I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just been thrown out by security and told never to return to the hospital again. It turns out the Stroke Unit isn't what I thought it was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anybody know someone that wants to buy letter openers, staplers, pens, and other office supplies? Most of it is labeled with Capital Hill or U.S. Senate but it's all usable.  Let me know! Thanks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose? Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the least acidic baseball player of all time? Al Kaline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant? Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone ever masturbated to a turtle race? I got off to a slow start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said ‘you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff’. So I got her a bag of peas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie? Lord of the rings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I joined the local gym’s swim class Only to find out that breast stroke was not what I thought it would be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen and potassium went on a date... ...it went ok.Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.The other chemicals were like 'omg'!Two noble gases went on a date.There was no reaction.Two protons went on a date.There was no attraction.Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.They felt... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mansplain\" is a terrible word to use because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick. Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally had an entire set of amiibos, except for one Zelda character. It was my missing link"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes 1.I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation I work as a McDonald’s cashier 2.“Mom there is a burglar in here” “No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”3.“So what do you do for a living?” “I travel and driv... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To-do list of the pink panther To-do  To-do  Todo todo todo todo todooooootododo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court,\" he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words, she said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I... ...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest is celebrating mass. He begins with, \"I was going to tell a vegetable joke, but I can't think of any, so lettuce pray.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A beggar once asked me, \"Any change?\" I said, \"Nope. You're still broke.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You might be a redneck if... You keep swiping right on your Ancestry DNA matches"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having an argument with my friend the other day He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth). Weird flex, but OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "mrw browsing front page [removed due to copyright]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied? After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is arguing and breaking up And he says:- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bar of gold walks into a pub The bartender says \"Au get out of here\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19... Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I had an argument with a 90° angle. It turns out it was right"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us. My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's not hard to survive a bear attack... so long as you do the bear minimum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment. 'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies. My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t Henry VIII breath? He had no heir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun! The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes. Personally, I think it's nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a good idea to put more books in prison libraries? Because the prose outweigh the cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How are a hippo and Zippo similar? One is very heavy, the other's only a little lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? \"Put it on my bill!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I try to avoid eating anchovies. It's a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the crowd at a gallows so tense? Because they're hanging on to every last word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought all the trees had broken when they lost their leaves last year. They're coming back now though. What a re-leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Common English Mistakes Common English Mistakes-mixing up there, their, and they're-using the wrong too, to, or two-putting commas in the wrong place-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches-using apostrophes for plurals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is the first mistake everybody is going to make in 2019 Edit: \\*2020"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. \"Is everything okay, pal?\" the bartender asks. \"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, \"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?\"\"Yeah. But today is the last day...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a company that sells makeup? A foundation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I asked my daughter for a phone book... She said \"you're such a boomer\" and handed me her phone.  So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Adi is a world class shoe expert. If you asked me “what’s the best shoe brand,” I’m not sure I’d know the answer. But I’d guess... Adi does."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder. He argued that there was no way he could have done it, as he was in vacation in Prague for the week of the killing. The FBI took note of his travel records and let him go; his alibi czeched out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets are blue(ish) Have a merry Christmas, unless you are Jewish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion do ghosts adhere to? Boodhism"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between an emo kid and a leaf both falling from a tree? Only the leaf reached the ground."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are aircraft always painted white? The colour seems a bit plane to me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication. And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®"}
{"character": "random", "line": "r/jokes now has a discord channel! Great!! Now I can see reposted jokes in real-time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk. But it just sounded like junk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If someone unearths a source of untold power then it is a discovery If someone is not told about an unearthed power source, it is a shock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Trumps Team end up at a landscaping business for the announcement? Because he was the Lawn Order president"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale. I never sausage a selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do we call a group of 12 atoms? Dozen matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is a joke about the shirt you are wearing right now. It probably went over your head, didn’t it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'. Which is not so bad until you read it out loud."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get red color from green color? You put frog in mixer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a groundbreaking invention But everyone was blown away by the leafblower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A beloved cartoon artist was found dead in their home today Officers state that the details are sketchy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11? A supreme liter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread... I’m a gluten for punishment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Jewish kids are fighting, one throws ash on the other. The other says:\"Don't get your parents involved\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist... I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once pushed a guy off his bike I've since been banned from that gym"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.) But she has a  friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her \"You're an exception. You can come any time in November.\" So I said \"Very poor choice of words.\" and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My painting burned up when I dabbed my paintbrush on the canvas while it had the colour sky blue. It must have been a lighter shade of blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the politician that ran out of ideas? I told him he's probably constipated, and drinking a cup of coffee should get the shit flowing again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is this Rorschach guy??? And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?-Rob DenBleyker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour... On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell that an ice cube didn’t graduate from college in the US? Because it has 0 degrees.  Also because it uses the Celsius scale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom? Tuba Toothpaste"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time? Djinnflation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black, and white, and OBVIOUSLY belongs in NeverLand? Pan, duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall? Claustrophobia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A known and loved goverment official is going car to car The whole of congress has been captured and terrorists are threatening to douse them in gasoline and burn them if we don't fork over $10,000,000,000The man hands him a 10 and asks how much people donate on average.Roughly a gallon was his reply."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? College"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present. She said she hoped I kept the receipt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every morning my girlfriend pegs me relentlessly and proceeds to beat me with her huge hands. She's one of the best cribbage players I know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face. Except for Chris Brown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cemetery raises its costs and blames it on the cost of living Indeed a grave situation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters like to party? At the g-rave-yard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: I'm cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner - it's 90 degrees!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, \"Where do you see yourself in five years?\" I told him, \"I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they're out of pasta, and we're penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A smart cop, a dumb cop and cinderella walk down the street and see a dropped coin on the ground. Who picks it up? The dumb cop; because Cinderella and a smart cop exist only in stories."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does PETA love K-pop? They’ve always been huge fans of youth in asia (euthanasia)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain? Anything to make a sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did grandma say to the old fountain? You aged well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mum, how do you spell clitoris?\" \"I don’t know darling, ask your dad, it was on the tip of his tongue this morning\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a nudist beach... and I saw a man walking by wearing nothing but his glasses.And I thought, \"What does he do when his glasses get dirty?\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding! She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”“Yeah, I know.”He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”“The light was on.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did it take John Rhys-Davies so long to get married? Bad dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny... insufficiently."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a computer play tennis? server unavailable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the dinosaur that couldn't stop coughing? It was a bronchitisaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you make 10 drawings, you’re not an artist And if you cook 10 meals, you’re not a chefBut if you kill ONE person..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what I've turned into after starting to like bugs in my code? A Spider"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the horny rebellion only last two minutes? Because everyone came"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the hen share her crayons with the rooster? So the cock could doodle too"}
{"character": "random", "line": "9 and 5 walk into a haunted house... 9 leans over and whispers \"I'm squared.\"5 laughs and replies \"I'm not, that would be irrational.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has 125 teeth and prevents a savage beast from escaping? My zipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was finishing an apple and I nearly chipped a tooth on it. It was pretty hardcore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that singing will scare bears. You just have to be a bearatone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a question word. That's grammatically true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a warehouse full of soup stock Now I'm a bouillonaire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "And the world breathed a big sigh of relief... The USA decided to invade the USA this year, leaving everyone else safe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the lazy perfume-maker? He made no scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it? To put all its nuclear fission."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb. Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the document arrested? Because he was a PDF-file"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow. Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say \"Congrats!\"... When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say \"Congrats!\". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say \"Well done!\".Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is eavesdropping at the Oval Office like watching Sister Act? Either way, you're gonna hear a con-vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sand Castle with Grandma Today, I made sand castles with my grandma, but for some reason, everybody freaked out and called the cops on me.Next time, I'll do it away from the cremation center."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors. So that it could hide in the crayon box.  Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he'd push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.He was Stark, raving mad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to climb up some house plans. My dad yelled, “get down from there” “Those plans are not to scale!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A customer walks into a bank... ...and tells the cashier: \"Good morning. I've come to pay the final installment on the loan used to buy a baby stroller\"Cashier: \"That's wonderful. And how is the baby doing?\"Customer: \"I'm doing alright, thank you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content. A coronaissance, if you will."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an athlete doing drugs ? A Speed runner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the cruelest thing you can do to a blind person? 'Caution- Hot surface' in braille."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February march? I'm not sure, but April may."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night... that he had 3 movements."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my doctor if he takes tips. He said I had mistaken him for a mohel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Deer nuts are always the same price worldwide.... Always under a buck! lolMy 11 year old son told me this joke today and thought I'd share with everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At one of his rallies Trump had the crowd chanting 12 more years! Personally I'm hoping for 12 to 20 with time off for good behavior."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a horrific accident, 2 children were raced to hospital by an air ambulance. The air ambulance won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? \"You've been on fire!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do monsters love writing books in a cemetery? Because they have great plots."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 3-year-old son said, \"Put my shoes on.\" I told him, \"I think my feet are too big.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a panda's favorite cooking utensil? A pan.. duh??"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an all you can eat meal in a rabbit hole? A Warren Buffet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing? Rigor tortoise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating is much easier since the lock down started. Zero effort."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't play loud music on any instrument. It's just not my forte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A werewolf stenographer starts a YouTube channel from his post on a U-boat: Lychan Sub Scribe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun? .......Luke-Warm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW My friend found a girl tied to the train tracks. He told me he untied her and they went back to his place, I asked what they got up to and he said they had sex all night. Impressed by this I asked him if he got any head to which he said Nah I couldn’t find it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids? A traffic cone.*what did you expect?*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why giraffes necks are so long? Because their heads are so far from their body"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. \"I hope you win\" was not the correct response."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, \"Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!\" His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know about the World Health Organization? Me : WHO?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues"}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit. Mitch better have my bunny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire? Burn as well.(Translated from Czech)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the opposite of colonization? Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery? It's ground breaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're on your death bed and You're known as a practical joker in the family. What do you say as your last joke with your dying breath? The cornyer the better!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom always used the \"here comes the train~\" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective... because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not all peasants visit the beach Yet every peasant serfs regularly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: \"Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?\"\"No your Highness,\" the man replied, \"but my father was.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "February is ending today, but that's okay. We'll March on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke. Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is secret agent's favorite dinosaur? A pte>!REDACTED!<yl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle? The Polar Bear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sitting in the sand at the nudist resort, I wondered, What's all the fuss about anal beaching?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I learnt a boring fact about Kamikaze Its just plain suicide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer. “Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection? Because either-net works when he’s catfishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "English teacher: English teacher:  Give me the opposite of this sentence: \"Children in the dark make mistakes.\" Student: \"Mistakes in the dark make children.\" Teacher: Get out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom? linoleon Blownaparte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hippopotamus walks into a bar. He buys a drink for the rabbit on the bar stool. She bats her eyes at him. He asks for a dance.. The rabbit says \"tango?\"He says \"nope.... Lets do Hip Hop!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, \"Name?\"\"Hans Muller\" replies the German.\"Occupation?\"\"No, just visiting this time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two farmers <a geek joke> Two farmers were chatting,One says, “You reckon the profit on your crops this year will be significant?”“All depends,” said the other.“On what”“My pea value”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My latest manual on evaluating desserts got pulled from stores Apparently they made pie rating textbooks illegal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a squash that can't get married? Cant elope"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually... It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Mike Tyson's favorite element? None of your Bismuth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "there were 30 cows and 28 chicken. how many didnt? 10"}
{"character": "random", "line": "hard to find coins, hard to find killer... A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, my subcontractors are still working on it, we're behind schedule, my credit line and bank facilities won't get approved because my auditor won't release a clean audit report......it's a mess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: \"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.\" Her husband says: \"Looks like he's still celebrating!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if you drop a blue marble in the Red Sea? It sinks.(Courtesy of my 9 year old daughter)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the beer made entirely out of rabbits, frogs and kangaroos? It’s mostly hops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I grew up believing my grandfather had been a Japanese prisoner of war. Turned out he just liked hiding things up his arse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a ghost poop? A spookie dookie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, \"I don't know. It all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The recipe said, \"Set the oven to 180 degrees.\" But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We'll see about that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscience - it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the Scottish National Party’s proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings? Nick all the sturgeon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Dad Joke) Why is a library the tallest building? It has so many stories!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Oscar the Grouch get all of his opiates from? Poppy street"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife came back home from the hairdresser's. She asked me what I thought of her new look, and she got upset when I made my observation. 'So, you think I look like a bulldog!' she wept.I laughed to myself.'No! You need to get your ears tested!' I replied.'Oh...' she began to smile.'I said you look like a bald hog,' I added."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All the comic books I inherited from my older brother had their last pages missing. I had to draw my own conclusions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mum is so slow It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me She asks me: \"sir, do you have a moment for animal abuse?\" As the good man I am, I say: \"of course, madam.\" So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month She said \"fuck you\". So i'm pretty excited for October"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected... I asked the girl for a movie.She : \"Which movie\"? with a sweet smile.Me : \"You decide\".She : \"No, you should decide\"Me : \"No, you decide\"She : \"Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?” “ I don’t know, but Alaska.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis. So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook."}
{"character": "random", "line": "George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Zayn say to his girlfriend after winning the match? Gg Hadid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband on second day of marriage... ...goes to the beautician who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100. Husband smiled and said' same feeling '"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access Just wait until Word gets out...I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of plant do ghosts like to hide behind? BamBOO!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kitten won top prize in a cute competition. Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!It's a real cat-ass-trophy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called \"Accessories To The Crime\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was air drumming some Metallica at a stop light. I lost a drumstick out the window and quickly changed to Def Leppard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods Robert Frost remarks to his wife \"We've got miles to go before we sleep\"And his wife replies \"Well maybe if we hadn't taken the road less traveled by we'd be there already\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!\" said Papa Bear. \"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!\" said Mama Bear.\"Please stop fighting,\" sobbed Baby Bear. \"It's Christmas.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a snail never sell its home? Because once they sell it, it goes into escargot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car Now everyone waves at me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article? You’re in for a nasty surprise - No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are snails allowed on ships? Escargot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell? Reptile Dysfunction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teen daughter is acting really odd. She can’t even. It’s causing a family divide. We’ve got to figure it out before our problems multiply."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a little boy my dad lost his job.. .. because they invented a little gadget that could do his job, only better and faster. As soon as my mum heard of this she ran out and bought one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to grow a pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love being a butcher. It makes it easy to meat people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There has been some speculation as to whether male cows defecate. As you can see... That's bullshit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do most printers break so easily? Shitty HP"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kangaroo walks into a bar And orders an espresso martini. While the Barkeeper serves the drink to the kangaroo another customer remarks:          \"don't you find it weird that a kangaroo walks into a bar and orders an espresso martini?\"\"Yes, normally he wants ginger beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Kevin Spacey and a Tortoise have in common? They're both trying to get somewhere before the hare does"}
{"character": "random", "line": "DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old. Prince Phillip scoffs at him. \"50?!\".DMX says \"Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say smoking will give you diseases But how can they say that when it cures salmon!!   (Lol im a smoking chef and when i heard this joke I coughed my lungs like i have the rona. Had to post it )"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke a customer told me when I used to work at a call center A husband is eating dinner with his wife and he decides to ask her\"honey how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm\"the wife replies \"oh I just don't want to bother you while you're at work\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Happy December 32nd! Trump just filed a suit to officially make December four years long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival? ...They're calling for a Lil Wayne"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the law say about internet trolling? You know the rules and so do I ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the youngest piggy in the family always get stuck wearing? Ham me downs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the couch say to the armchair? Don't worry, I pull out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have pictures of girls showing their tits. I keep them on my flash drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't vampires attack Taylor Swift? She's got Bad Blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Just look at that couple down the road,\" a wife told her husband. \"He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can't you do that?\" \"Are you insane?\" he responded. \"I barely know the woman!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the child who wouldn't nap guilty of? Resisting a rest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ghost teacher say to the class? Look at the board and I’ll go through it again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound. He said \"suture self\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a Crab’s favorite part about pizza? That Crust taste, Son!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has so many stories."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used? Weird flax but 0k"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife... She says, \"Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one.\"  He says, \"I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL: Roofing in the Summer heat can be dangerous WARNING: HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What pair of shoes do kidnappers love the most? White Vans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How large is a squirrels home? Approximately 4 squirrel feet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wheel that you wear? A tire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!  I'm just doing it for kicks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Internet Discussion user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE! user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock. user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When can you add your bottle to Wikipedia? When you fill it from a reliable source."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Hydrogens walk into a bar and spot an Oxygen Feeling adventurous, they approach her and ask \"Hey baby, can we interest you in a waterway?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob Ross used to say, \"There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents.\" Lovely man, terrible driving instructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the long tailed game bird whos boyfriend suddenly proposed to her? She was pheasantly surprised"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months. I was his friend for life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lot of people don't like Mondays But 48 hours ago was a sadder day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did my cat know tomorrow's weather? He looked at the fur-cast"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you play the drums incorrectly? You get repercussions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a red onion and a brown onion? About 50 cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "City Planner: this intersection design would result in multiple, severe collisions every day **Hot Wheels Creator:** dope, right?**City Planner:** *[nodding]* super fuckin dope"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in high school, my class had a rule that whoever swears, that person had to donate 1 dollar to the class fund One day my friend sweared, following the set rule, he came up near the fund jar, held a 2-dollar note, as he was putting it into the jar, he said: “Keep the change, motherfuckers!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two strings walk into a bar... ...the bartender says, \"What'll it be?\". The first string says, \"I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+\u001e!^\u001c \u0002\u0012&\u0006@P&\u001d]JEA&#65535;Segmentation Fault\".The second string says, \"You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about China's new space program? I hear it's going to be a Long March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am the breadwinner of the family I make the most dough"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay? Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently learned sign language So I can tell jokes people has never heard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the butchers and asked if he had a lambs head No he replied, it's just how I come my hair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an Eastern European’s favorite food? Coleslav"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just been made redundant from my job in a pasta making factory!!!! All I did was make a fusilli mistakes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man in China was killed by a group of underaged doctors. He died by euthanasia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell meCredits: Anthony Jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(OC) Why don't giraffes have stripes? Because God took one look at them and said, \"You know, that thing's so tall, it'll be easy to spot.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who makes a spelling error AFTER editing their comment?... An Ediot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Do you have a date for Valentines Day?\" I said, \"Yep!! It's February 14th.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A:  No, but that's cool man, you hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Two  hundred and twenty.  One to hold the bulbTwo to turn the ladderSeventeen on the guest list.200 to say their mate is on the guest list and they are their plus one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call unemployed Bob the builder? Bob"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend told me he started selling artisan home-distilled fermented grain mash on etsy... I replied, \"Sounds like a whiskey buisness.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? Forrest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear? Bear Minimum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?\" A friend of ours: \"I vould push it three times\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bookstore and asks, \"Got any books on turtles?\" The shopkeeper replies, \"Hardback?\"The man says, \"Yeah. And little heads.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD They're calling it AD4K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing. I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my boss I think I deserve a promotion He said that's why I'm not the boss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: 'Hey, I was thinking... ' My dad: 'I thought I smelled something burning.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a potassium joke? K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a vampire in trouble? A grave problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If someone unearths a source of untold power then it is a discovery If someone is not told about an unearthed power source, it is a shock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fill out job applications in crayon... ...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blind man trips on a bottle That's all.Didn't see that one coming, did ya?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. \"I'm a turtle\", he says.\"Oh... who's on your back?\"\"That's Michelle\", he replies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hammerhead shark do on his test? He nailed it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, \"sort it out yourselves.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you turn a spoon into a fork? Open up the drawers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I had an argument with a 90° angle. It turns out it was right"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been laundering money for a few months now. Seriously, this quarter has been in my washer for months"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Post Malone has started his own Student Loan Service in an attempt to lift the burden off of new graduates It's called \"Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday. Nice gal, her names’s Ella."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Queen Victoria didn’t do such a good job keeping drinking water away from toilet water... but it was still frowned upon to cholera fool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed. One month in and the EU has already lost a pound."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young mosquito tries flying for the first time When the mosquito came back, the mother asks, \"how was your first flight dear?\" The young mosquito replied, \"great mom! Everyone was clapping for me!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying It's must be too highly strung"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? only one cause they don't like to share the spot light"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa walk into a bar. [ERROR 404: NOT FOUND]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni Change"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I’ve got to do is talk to the door lock... ... because communication is key"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event. According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments. Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends. I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A filthy toothbrush.. One day the toothbrush had enough of it and said “damn, I have the filthiest job in the whole wide world”. The toilet paper replied: “ you sure?”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast. Just so she could have a “titty tat.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bubonic plague inflames your lymph nodes. But pneumonic plague helps you to remember things"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are you element 117? Because you're the only ten I seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ruptured my colon by farting It was a gas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the young Amish woman banished from her community? Two Mennonite"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation.\" \"Pardon?\"\"Nothing.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons ...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter. I call it inter-mitten fasting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*Tips fedora to cute non-binary girl* m’theydy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a book on anti gravity last night. I found it quite difficult to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the name of the physician who could smell the future? NostrildamusI made it myself and was proud enough to post it! :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a gamer look out for during match making? Backwards Compatability"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do people lose their kids in the mall......? Seriously,  any tips would be greatly appreciated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Investment question If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? A: The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food... ...I am like I am single because I have strong hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries? It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which metal do we need the soonest? Silver, it's *argent*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when perfume makers try to take over the world? Cologneialism"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad? When it’s a snowman’s nose!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years. Never knew he was a barber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "phone call Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I  said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think  so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a volunteer, I taught a seminar on how to write persuasive speeches at my local prison.  I titled the course: \"Prose and Cons\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Halloween don't wear a dinosaur costume in bad neighborhoods. You'll get Jurasskicked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Darth Vader: *heavy breathing* **Admiral Motti:** oh great, he's jerking off using the force again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a lady at the bank checking her balance so I pushed her over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clark: \"I'll have a coke.\" Flight attendant: \"Do you want that in the can?\" Clark: \"No, I'll have it right here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cucumber cross the street? Because it was green."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together. OMg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What room is useless for a ghost? A living room  xD"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cats send message across the internet? They e-meow each other"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82. Fuck me I'm easily lead"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the liquor store today and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?” I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer's wife said \"300 times, isn't that wonderful dear?  Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how.\"  Farmer said \"Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In geography class the teacher asked little Johnny what the highest point of Japan was Little Johnny said, “I don’t know that but I can tell you the lowest point!”The teacher says, “ok, what is it?”Little Johnny then said, “it’s in Nagasaki!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white, black and white, and black and white? \"A penguin rolling down a hill\"My 6 y.o just told me this one and I don't know why I laughed so hard.  I felt it should be shared. Lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If we are made of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen. And the universe is made up of primarily oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen.Is this why I'm so spaced out?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Billy: \"Your mare - what breed is it?\" Jack: \"No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. \" \"Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?\" \"Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime.\" \"Tsk tsk tsk...  a nightmare.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can make you see your brain! That's just how eye-roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman won a wet t-shirt contest. She had my vote. She really stuck out to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight... “Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians? Ho Ho Ho!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Civilians call it a bathroom Civilians call it a bathroom, because they take baths in it,The airforce calls it a lavatory, because they use it to freshen up,The army calls it a latrine, because they use it to take a dump...So why does the navy call it a head?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, \"Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?\" Little Johnny quickly replied, \"NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ... ...It’s a grave issue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t men buy underpants from Ukraine? Chernobyl Fall out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest? Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fuel does the Fast and the Furious cast use Vin Diesel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you ever hear the one about the leper and the prostitute? After he was done he said \"I left you the tip\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did George Bush get Afghanistan pregnant? He never pulled out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything. But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher. I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: \"I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character\" Psychologist: \"That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?\"Man: \"Ever since I was an outline...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do gang members play baseball? They like to hit and run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mom, mom!! At the school they're calling me Mafioso!!\" \"Don't worry my little son, tomorrow mom goes to the school to put an end to this\"\"Thanks mom!!! But please make like it was an accident\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a trip to South Africa and met a Khoisan woman. We really clicked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A judge is hearing a murder trial. Imp and her spirite-elf that was killed and the suspect, a 16 year old who's represented by his father, Ep. After hearing the case, the judge decides.Ep's teen didn't kill Imp's elf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman and his fish A fisherman caught a fish so big that he dislocated his shoulders describing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a joke that i thought of 2 mins ago. kid: mom, can I get $20?”  mom: does it look like I’m made of money?  kid: well, isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t know why people think Trump can’t make a deal... He makes a big deal out of everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease.\" \"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm.\"\"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing.  Are you taking anything for it?\"\"Pepper.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I no longer call it \"heading to the shooting range\". Now it's \"going out to yeet.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is freedom of speech in china but there is no freedom after speech."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being deemed an \"essential worker\" Is like being condemned to summer school while the rest of the students are off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it. I can't see why."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation? Natural selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Epic Cow? Legend Dairy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the president of china? An entrepreneur was looking to do business overseas. He asked his assistant \"Who is the president of China?\"His assistant replied, \"No, Xi is the president of China.\"\"Who's she?\"No boss, \"Hu is Hu, Xi is Xi\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the grandmother of the French language? La grammaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Over 500 children have had their last request granted by John Cena for the Make-a-Wish foundation. That’s because anytime a child ask to see John Cena all they have to say is, “You Can’t.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do baseball and baking a cake have in common? It's all about the batter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone asked me “who’s that’s Chinese knight looking for his belongings” “He’s Sir Ching”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wanna know what’s not illegal in California? Wildfires."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a potassium joke? K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack? Computer chips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof I was shocked!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state do crayons go to on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The judge says to the bailiff, \"Bailiff, what is this man charged with?\" Judge: *Bailiff, what is this man charged with?*Bailiff: *Your honor, this is man is charged with BIGOTRY! He had THREE wives!*Judge (shouting): *BAILIFF! Havin' three wives is not BIGOTRY! &nbsp; It's* ***TRIGONOMETRY!***"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out? Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did I need to bring a shovel on my first date? Clearly the chloroform wasn't enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL the creator of Corn Pops also invented Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks His tombstone just says \"cereal entrepreneur\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke from my 8 year old grandson What do you call a Jamaican finger in your belly?Poke, mon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call a gong that honks every time you hit? Honk Gong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really like vaping... It's a good way to blow off steam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you play WAP with the bass turned all the way down... Is it then a treble cleft?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should we make shoelaces out of earphone/headphones wires? Cause they would tie themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why..... The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing? Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ambulance with a flat tire? A flatulence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're. Their, I finally said it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats an athlete’s favorite country? Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings in a park? A walk in a park."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman arrives at the crime scene \"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?\"\"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.\"\"How do you know that?\"\"He told me as he was running off.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you use to take a cow's temperature? A thermoometer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the payout pimps make prostitutes pay them for every John? Hoe owners fee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: \"Yes, It is a serious problem.\"71% of respondents answered: \"No es una problema seriosa.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A thief has stolen the credit card of a family The kid asks the father: _\"But why haven't you reported it to the police?!\"_Father: _Shut up kid! He spends less than your mom!_"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office... There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the neckbeard name his samurai sword? M'Bladey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes. I am a surgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the police seige at the donut factory robbery? The bad guys came out with all buns glazing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, \"What's black and white and red all over?\" \"Wow\" I replied. \"You speak English?\"She replied, \"Just a riddle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend told me I listened to too much Linkin Park But in the end, it doesn’t even matter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It is really tough being a dairy farmer. You make money by the skim of your teat!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the Gold Coast called the Gold Coast? Because the country it's in is called *Au*stralia. If it were the Silver Coast, it'd be *Ag*stralia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Homer Simpson's favorite toy? Play D'oh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the founder of Reddit, Alexis Ohanian, get married to the tennis superstar Serena Williams? Redditors are always looking for better servers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to colonize space? Because of meteor rights"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anders Celsius died when he was 43 years old although his rival Farenheit was convinced he was 109"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull? Pit bulls are intelligent and loving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were walking home from dinner when we came across 6 men beating up my mother-in-law. My wife asked, \"Aren't you going to help?\"I said, \"No, 6 should be enough.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell if someone is a Trump supporter? If their hat, shirt, bumper sticker, four flags on their car, license plate, the seven flags outside their house, and their personality doesn't tell you, I don't know what to say."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think I made a mistake... ...when I bought all of those GameStop chairs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man has been found guilty for over using commas The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Told my Vegan Friend to stop with the Puns. He said oh kale no"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts use elevators? to lift their spirits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top news stories for yesterday CNN: Trump phone callMSNBC: Trump phone callFox news:  Does walking a dog make you happier?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A preschool teacher is teaching a student basic geography Teacher: \"what state do you live in?\"Student: \"denial.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Obvious media bias Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you seen my digital boat? Oh wait, its syncing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep.... It was a lamb-bikini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? If they fell forward they'd still be in the boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do female ghosts sing on Halloween? Ghouls just want to have fun!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats afraid of cucumbers? They dont like anything cooler than they are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account. If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment They are wanted for dessertion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun? Sir"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is it \"the world is your oyster\"? When I'm always chasing that clam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where's the best place for Edward Snowden to hide? Wallstreet. No one there ever seems to get prosecuted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I have trained this goat to talk. Karen: This would be fun to see.Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?Goat: MeeMe[to goat]: Who's my pet?Goat: MeeKaren: Ah, its boringMe: Wait it gets better Goat: It gets way better, Karen!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the parole hearing, the officer asked, \"Tell me, why should you be released early?\" The inmate responded, \"It’s bec...\" Officer: Yes?Inmate: I think I have..Officer: Go on.Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?Officer: Sure. Parole denied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class? He kept blowing up the rectangles and pentagons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA EDIT: Wow this blew up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a BDSM-loving vegetable? Butternut squash"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crayon that looks like a strawberry? A cranberry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar. Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's my job to talk them down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase. I have too much shelf respect."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"What's HCl?\" \"uhhhh I can't remember. It's on the tip of my tongue!\"\"SPIT IT OUT! It's Hydrochloric Acid!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is this Rorschach guy??? And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?-Rob DenBleyker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body? You wake up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards They must have thought I was a taroist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Peppa Pig's favourite food? Her favourite food is Peppa-roni"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t like people who take drugs… For example, airport security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a horse out of jail Hay bail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can make digital art and canvas art easily. But when it comes to paper, that's where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put a valentines sticker on my bathroom door ‘2BeMine’. My best friend came over with his wife. She went inside the bathroom and I broke into song. Cuz she’s my best friends girl, but she used 2BeMine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy. So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands! I'm happy to announce in october were going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Tortoise's wife leave him for the Rabbit? Real men come second."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The photophobiac's power just went out. He is delighted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hear it’s a good time to buy real estate in Texas! The housing market is flooded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the most commonly stolen musical instrument? A piano. People are always leaving the keys in them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm? Walking the Planck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make? Crap"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump was carrying a Colt 45 When asked why, he said it's just for shooting cans.... Africans Mexicans and Puerto Ricans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My antisocial brother just got fired from his job at the butcher. He just wasn't meating enough people.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I offered my old air mattress to a homeless guy today. He got real excited, until i also offered him my air guitar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cow and a cat are chatting in a field... ...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.  The cat walks off smarmily and says, \"Well, see you later, prime rib.\"  And the cow replies, \"Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a national coin shortage. Go figure... All anybody is saying right now is that we need change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens. Unlike their children."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What bacon makes you sneeze? Peppa Pig"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was it like, flying for the first time? \"I think I did quite well. Everybody in the room was clapping\", the second mosquito said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A british person plays chess with an american, The british person always wins. Why?Their queen never dies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed. Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy. He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes? The manager said, \"what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf? In case you get a hole-in-one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to catch some fog. But I mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, \"Where do you see yourself in five years?\" I told him, \"I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a video game rematch? A Wii-match."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Sorry, I was all up in your grill about cooking yesterday.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster: The Great Composers! \"I wanna be Beethoven,\" said Stallone.\"I gotta be Mozart,\" retorted Willis.\"What about you, Arnie?\" they asked...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them.... We are a very tight knit community."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried making pancakes... But I ended up with flapjacks instead. I guess I used too much synonym"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've lost my dad! Five year old Tim was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, \"I've lost my dad!\"The policeman said, \"What's he like?\"\"Beer and women!\", Tim replied"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work. Nobody got higher than me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think Daniel Radcliffe could ever play a hobbit? No, but Elijah would."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's all about grip Why don't witches wear panties?Better grip on the broom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that Judas turned state’s evidence against the lord? He had to go into the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say to his wife when she gave him a private dance? Make it reindeer!- Credit to my brother"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Be careful when you’re trying to get laid with a mermaid She might have crabs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Dad is a Nun When my Dad got dragged to court and they asked if he had an occupation, he said Nun"}
{"character": "random", "line": "MTV turns 40 this year. Thanks for 14 years of music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says \"i wish I could do that\" To which John replies \"probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Woman: I’m having the worst period ever Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have ,after a long discussion, decided we don't want children. We're telling them tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Signing up for Marine biology this semester was disappointing. I never learned what’s going on in Le Pen’s head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women are like sand... fun to play with only when wet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw two movies this weekend. One was about a crazy person who fought crime in their underwear, and the other was Captain Underpants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My lotion bottle says to use on areas of irritation so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the Presidential ventilator called? Forced Air One"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to an out of touch seamstress who refuses to modernize their operation? Ok Loomer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people? Just switch off the light!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Weather Channel I taped a Weather Channel logo on our living room window. It’s like having an extra TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hurricane Harvey is no joke. https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793To find out how to help, follow the link above."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am. Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the slug say to the other slug when he saw the snail? \"Shit, he's wearing a backpack. Get off the train!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally stepped on one of my friends squash. I feel so bad. He told me not even ten minutes before hand that I'd butternut squash it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!  I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time? A ketchup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do pigs use on their wounds? Oinkment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder? Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A family takes their sick dog to the vet. The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says \"I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down.\"\"Why?\", asks the shocked family. \"What's wrong with him?\"\"Nothing major\", replied the vet. \"He's just really heavy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day, after much trial and error, I successfully became completely weightless... I was like, 0mg!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off But for some reason people call me pyromaniac"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman stops a prostitute that was working on the streets \"Aren't you thinking what would your mother says if she sees you doing it on the streets?\"Until the woman responded: \"Hit me without a doubt because this is her alley\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A starter cable walks into a bar The bartender says\" I'll serve you but dont start anything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope this joke isn’t as bad as I’d think it is... it’s my first one. Hey did you hear about Jim?No, Why? I heard his septic burst.Oh I see...Yea man must have been a pretty crappy thing to happen..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an element that always complains? a lament."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a therapists office And the therapist asks what do you think will be going through your head in 3 Years? hopefully a bullet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library... Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke. Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "CLEAN THE POOL! My wife’s been bugging me to vacuum the pool for months.     I tried telling her “If the water’s healthy enough for those tadpoles, it’s good enough for the kids”.   I think she’s being a little too bossy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. \"Why would you want to do that?\" one of the board members asked. \"So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were the most open-minded presidents in history. I was quite shocked by this, and it blew my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people hate hotdogs. I relish them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elton John got a treadmill for his pet rabbit It’s a little fit bunny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pros and cons of being overly literal PROS:People who profit as a result of their occupation.CONS:People found guilty of a criminal offense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientific Discovery Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my son I'm named after Thomas Jefferson. He says, But dad, your name is Brian. I respond, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons? A: Because they often have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It's 'may.' Student: No, it's January."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Batman : You idiot Robin. You don't have to pee in the hall. There is a bathroom you stupid. Robin : Sorry. What is a hroom.?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle was never good at throwing stuff away He died from a hand grenade"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew... Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison. The police alert said “There’s a small medium at large.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "there was a suspicion of university diploma forgery There was a suspicion of university diploma forgery. The police went to investigate that. \"There was no proof that any crime was commited,\" said the police officer, John Brown J.D., M.D., B.D., Ph.D."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I went to the doctor... She asked \"What brings you here today?\"I replied \"My car.\"And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: \"Not sexually active.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how you beat shrines in Zelda: Breath of the Wild? Trials and errors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene Proof once and for all that he's unstable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't someone see the plane? It went out of plain sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield, Sir Prise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all? A swinger."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two possibilities for words that mean \"final part\" or \"smaller amount\". The possibilities are: end, less."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Santa's nationality? North Polish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' \". \"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' \"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says... I'm sorry, we don't serve food here"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my mother in law \"When war comes, I'll just be eating human flesh as well\". \"You shitting me?!\" She asked. \"Maybe.\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together That would be a huge waist of money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story Within 30 minutes I had a friend in meall credit goes to u/APater6076"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the hardest part about riding a scooter? Telling your parents you're gay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the name of Iran’s first 80’s cover band ? Quran Quran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do people say \"break a leg\" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Long term pain During a congress about health care, the speaker asks:\"which food causes extreme suffering, even after years of being eaten?\"After a long silence an elderly raises his hand and replies \"A WEDDING CAKE\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn? A metro-gnome"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist... After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Edward Snowden's does it take to know what is going on in a Clinton administration? **The server you are attempting to connect to has been unintentionally disabled, wiped, and burned. But not in a gross negligent manner. **"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m not a player, I’m a gamer. Players get chicks. I get bullied at school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services? Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL Zero and its operation were first defined by Hindu astronomer and mathematician Brahmagupta in 628 Thanks for nothing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the worst place to loose ypur virginty? At a family trip to Alabama"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar \"Who the fuck painted my whole motorcycle pink??\"A 2m tall muscular guy gets up from the table: \"Me, why?\"\"Nothing, paint is dry and it's time for the second coat\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do elves wash their hands? With Santa-tiser. Credit to Greencross Vets in Port Macquarie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say that the earth is on a turtles back. Can you imagine if it was on a pterodactyls back?it would be a Terradactyl.(edit: Grammar)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the diffence between school and hell Hell has good heating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just came from a bookstore where I asked the saleswoman how to find the self-help section... she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do I always bring 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing? Because I always get a hole in one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel. It was a ground-breaking medical procedure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everything in Florida is in the 80s The Temperature, the Humidity, the Average Age, and the IQ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does drinking kombucha and giving blow jobs have in common? If you've ever finished one properly, you already know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a train conductor do when he’s angry? He blows off some steam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oedipus, Aphrodite and Midas walk into a bar... ... I forget the rest but I can assure you it’s mother-fucking gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you? on Oni Fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program the rest of them will write Perl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic Without all those tourists helping hold it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy became a savage after his girlfriend left. I guess I should have known he'd become Ruth-less."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thumb wars are weird They're essentially two opposable thumbs opposing each other"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math teacher call her student average? She was being mean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Call me Delta Airlines cause I can't handle your extra baggage!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice. And that’s Chris Brown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat? Purr-fume...No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an albino white supremacist? An asshole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ... I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I was going down on my grandmother and I tasted horse cum. Then I had a thought... what if that's how she died?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book? He said, \"I'm just not feeling it!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The chemistry teacher was asked what their favorite element was. They answered \"The element of surprise!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jenny: wow, Mr. Daniels, you must be old enough to have known Moses! Mr. Daniels: No, Jenny, I am not! It wasn't funny when Ben Franklin said it, and it's not funny when you say it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease. Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, \"I know. You've said that already.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten. Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Best Man Speech \"My speech today will be like a mini-skirt.  Long enough to cover the essentials, butshort enough to hold your attention.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Home Remedies Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer,  my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS. There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed \"Wife mode\". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,\"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?\"\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my cat, \"how are you?\" He said he was, \"feline fine\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey Girl, you know why they call me the Mechanical Bull? Because riding me is a very uncomfortable and likely short experience."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering.... .....but the illegal part would be the gathering."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Mexican man tie his wife to the train tracks? Because he wanted tequila!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do panda bears keep buying bamboo? They just like the stock!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard. He called his wife about it.\"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!\" He said.\"Oh my God, are you okay?\" His wife asked.\"Yes, I have it under CTRL.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nsfw A surprise for dinner My wife asked what I'd like to have for dinner when I got home from work. I told her to surprise me. She said \"I'm sleeping with your sister.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick... She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If cartoon characters become real, who would attract most women? Pinocchio"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is a decent joke but it's relatable at least Cool quantum physics fact!When cooled, helium becomes a superfluid! To get to this state, it has to be cooled to a very very cold temperature. About -270 C!That's almost as cold as my bed every night ;-;"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A week ago my Jeep broke down and I had to scrap it Today I found out my friend got the exact same model Jeep.I'm pretty sure its a reincarnation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In recent news, a man who was charged with impersonating a hay stack Has been bailed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what did the ram say when his mom found drugs in his dresser drawer? I learned it from watching ewe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: You're going to prison for forgery Suspect: *hands over a 37 dollar bill*Suspect: What was it you were saying?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What you you call a men's pair of underwear? A junk drawer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire? Burn as well.(Translated from Czech)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name?\" asked a policeman when he stopped me. \"Bartholomew.\" I said.\"And your last name?\" he continued.\"It's always been Bartholomew.\" I said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you turn a penny into a dollar? Cut it into four quarters. I haven't seen this one before and i just thought of it on my own but if it's already been done I'm sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile. But their condoms are \"Made in China\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar... Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform? in the audit-orium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Larry the Cucumber was having trouble. Bob the Tomatoe walked in and said, \"Sounds like quite the pickle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His Friends Cautioned Him About The Health Hazard Involved, Saying That The Exertion Of Amour Could Prove To Be Fatal. \"Vell, Dat's The Chance I'll Have To Take,\" Said Lars. \"If She Dies...She Dies.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pulled 5 cards blindly and got a royal straight flush I was soo happy until i realise i was playing blackjack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ? Wife eye connection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently there are three jewish guys in my car's air conditioner.... Hi, Norm and Max.Background: Something I noticed many, many years ago when I was a teenager in my dad's car. My dad thought it was pretty funny. He had a lousy sense of humor. lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Jamaican restaurant informed me that they're getting low on lamb meat. Or in other words:THE JERK STORE CALLED AND THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF EWE."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a bobcat and a cougar? You ride a Bobcat, a cougar rides you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the beach next to the power plant closed? Because it is spark infested waters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was at the immigration office, I interrupted an officer answering his phone and told him \"Ship them back where they came from. They have a tendency to explode\". He arrested me for being Islamophobic. As I was dragged out, I was yelling \"I was talking about your Samsung Galaxy Note 7!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job? going cold turkey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument? They had a fallout."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a \"b\" comes after it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do snails fight? They slug it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? It's because they can't see sh!t at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve combined alphabet soup with a laxative... I call it LETTER RIP"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fallout, why are caps used as currency? Because america is a CAPitalist country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got startled by my timer going off. It was alarming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt? Meatloaf croissant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic. A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.The nursed asked the rabbit: \"What is your blood type?\"\"I am probably a type O\" said the rabbit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach? You know.... back Before we were born?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college? A Graduated cylinder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: \"Name?\". \"Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin\". \"Address?\" \"Kremlin, Moscow, Russia\". \"Occupation?\" \"No, this time just visiting\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken. Since then, the steaks have never been higher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a squash that can't get married? Cant elope"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Mia Khalifa's favorite tv channel? BBC News"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vegans don't beat their meat They jerk their vegetable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a synopsis and some abstracts shot down in a hail of bullet points. I guess it was a summary execution."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Batman’s least favorite food? A: Chinese takeout"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new drum beat formula that’s trying to fight climate change? It’s called an AlGoreRhythm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dentist noticed his patient had a large gold tooth. He said, “Where did you get the gold?” The patient replied, “Its mine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day... ...which is when he fucks his secretary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the coolest letter in the alphabet? B, because it is in between the AC."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If anybody is alone during the festive period please don't hesitate to let me know. I need to borrow some chairs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test? With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole, But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I need to fix my bike tire, it's flat. Dad: Kiddo, you need a henway for that. Kid: What's a henway? About three pounds.  (read outloud)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours  Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife always talks like an empty tip jar Such non cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pope: paint me a beautiful art on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and I will reward your work with exposure. **Michaelangelo:** uhh sure sir, I will paint you a beautiful ceiling sir.**Also Michaelangelo, mildly infuriated:** gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick's out talking bout reward with exposure. Fuck you. Pay me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it. I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?\" Pop,goes the weasel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes into a Pharmacist and asks for some silicon dioxide The Pharmacist says \"we don't sell that\".He replies \"But you have loads in the window\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you put Giraffes that don't feel good? Giraffe-Sick Park"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient... ...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA? The Make-A-Wish foundation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the first mention of tennis in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharoah’s court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time... Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway... It's a this order disorder disorder disorder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad? Because he loved the ranch"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you. The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke was going to get him for Father’s Day? He sensed his presents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks \"What’s got you down\" The man says “I just found out my Niece is gay.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?” The man says \"I just found out my son is gay.\" The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says \"Got anybody who likes Women?\" The man says “My wife does.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shredder finally defeated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. All he had to do is to throw a box of plastic straws to the sewer system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just had a power outage during sex. What a turn off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a snowman's favourite breakfast? Ice Krispies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hurricane Ophelia just blew the roof off my cheese factory. There’s de Brie everywhere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A Mars bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the fastest growing city in the world? Capital of Ireland. It's Dublin everyday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It's Christmas Eve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it's not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Gilbert O'Sullivan came into my bank the other day,\" \"What did he want?\"\"A loan again, naturally...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.” A few months later, it finally happened.The swine flu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the beer made entirely out of rabbits, frogs and kangaroos? It’s mostly hops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.I fulfilled my promise.She’s dead and berried."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's been an incredibly long and tense wait but, now, finally, for the first time in what seems like forever I can say ... Today is my cake day. What? Something else going on at 4:09 a.m. East Coast time today?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my wife’s Christmas presents, perfume and a dildo... If she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings. I'll call it Salvador Deli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage.. It leaves four little pricks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms He replies, \"Yes we do.Would you like to buy some?\"She responds, \"No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard. He called his wife about it.\"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!\" He said.\"Oh my God, are you okay?\" His wife asked.\"Yes, I have it under CTRL.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like playing squash The ants hate it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was arrested while running in a wheat field. ..He was charged for going against the grain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You hear about the dude who failed Masturbation 101? He couldn't get a grip on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wise man advised a pediatrician and a physician not to follow his advice. This became a paradox for a pair of docs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a gray line between getting a metaphor right or wrong And in the fine area there's a punch line"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift. He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My iPhone was stolen today... ...I hope the thief will face time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which Pie takes 9 months to Bake? A cream pie!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Darth Vader say when the record store employee told him they were out of George Michael albums? I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visitors Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: \"I think mom and dad have visitors over.\"The other one asks: \"Why do you think that?\"The first one replies: \"Mom's laughing at dad's jokes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians. Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart” Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new game called \"Silent Tennis.\" It's like regular Tennis, but without the racquet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "And infinite number of mathmeticians walk into a bar. The first one goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders 1/4 of a beer. The bartender stops them and set 2 beers on the bar and says’ “You guys need to know your limits.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Bear Grylls could grill bears, how many bears could Bear Grylls grill? As many as Bear Grylls' grill could bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s black and white and red all over? A bloody newspaper inn’it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun? .......Luke-Warm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the grain of rice wet himself? A jokester made him 'pilaf'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you guys hear the one about the perfume factory that went out of business? Nevermind, it doesn't really make scents anymore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I found out that it takes a school of piranha 1 minute to devour a child. However, I have now lost my job in the aquarium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese takeaway order is about 25 dollars. The price of gas to get there and back is about 3 dollars. Realising that you forgot one of the containers at the shop is riceless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do an internet junkie on dialup and an F18 pilot have in common? Both break out in cold sweat when their screen show NO CARRIER."}
{"character": "random", "line": "German tourist visits Poland Guy at the airport: Nationality?German dude: GermanGuy at the airport: Occupation?German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say good dads are hard to find But bad dads are even harder to find"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what the biggest state is in the US? DaNile it has a population of 74million."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Green Lantern is weak to the color yellow, if you pissed on him, would he become weak? Either way, he'd be pissed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has sixty feet, three teeth & seventeen dollars? The front row at a Insane Clown Posse concert"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Best gorilla joke of 1897 Gorilla: Did you hear about the gorilla who escaped from the zoo?Zookeeper: No I did not.Gorilla: That's because I'm a quiet gorilla[Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad? The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area. This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office... There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does every Tickle-Me-Elmo have to have test-tickles before they leave the factory? No, Not every one, only the males"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language a stomach speaks? Hungarian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug. I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which metal do we need the soonest? Silver, it's *argent*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house? Because it leads to domestic violins.  (From my 9 year old...)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, \"When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.\" \"Oh yeah?\" the son retorts. \"Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-naaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if she wanted to play twister. She said her schedule was flexible enough"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many \"friend zoned\" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy from the damn Daniel vine was arrested for kidnapping children. You could say that he was back at it again with the white vans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? All of the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I went to the doctor... She asked \"What brings you here today?\"I replied \"My car.\"And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: \"Not sexually active.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team? They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ninja is getting ready to fight a samurai The ninjas friend asks him \"do you really think you can kill him without a sword?\"\"Sure-i-can\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you cook kale in coconut oil? Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try to imagine a woman with six pairs of breasts. Looks good, dozen tit?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf Just Kuwait and sea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense? Me neither, but I keep trying..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Canadian curling team’s favorite board game? Sorry Sliders"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hard worker got a promotion. Thats the joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never buy your hard drugs from the Roto-Rooter guy... Plumber's crack is nasty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Blonde walks into an elevator She sees her co worker Steve & says \"TGIF\". Steve has a puzzled look on his face and replies \"NSIT\". Ever more puzzled the blonde replies \"TGIF, thank God it's Friday\".  Steve then says \"NSIT, no stupid it's Thursday\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes. Personally, I think it's nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tourist walks into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?”The bartender replies, “Yeah, but he’s not too bright. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eyes Specialist Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A meth addict tried boxing for the first time yesterday. He got hooked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was meeting my future father in law for the first time... He asked me, \"Are you here for my daughter's hand?\" In the interest of being honest, I replied, \"I'm mostly interested in her vagina.\" He was taken aback so I quickly added, \"but in a pinch her hand'll do the job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the 80's pop band \"A Flock of Seagulls\" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen. It's mad cow disease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t you want to listen to a dragon’s story? Because they tend to drag-on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend just called me to tell me he has changed his name to 'Spinal Column'. I asked if I could call him Back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall  Dam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga. I like to stay on top of current affairs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you catch a digital fish Online"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk! So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Fork, Dear Fork,I know we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely,Spoon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!\" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet \"But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases\" replied the random guy on the Internet.\"No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US It is called Apartment Earth Society."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a cows favorite shade of red! Mooroon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill... ...Ruth hits a tree.  Johnny continues, ruthlessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it. Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.” Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.Man: But I keep losing my Focus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a truckload of tires on the interstate and they all fell out It was highway rubbery!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working He said, \"I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate? Coco pebbles.I hate this joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing. Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young mosquito returned to its mother. How was your flight dear? asked mom.It was great mom, everyone clapped for me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream. One yells to the other, 'How do you get to the other side?'  The other blonde replies, 'You are on the other side!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball? Because they’re fucking dead"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated. She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, \"oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Enjoy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36-really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum? It was just collecting dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? \"You've been on fire!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you define a farmer? Someone who is good in their field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you catch a whole school of fish? With bookworms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's bad for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They said I could never flood New York City with nitrous oxide. Who's laughing now?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 1950's people were worried about having their homes wire-tapped. People today are are saying, Hey wire-tap what will the weather be like tomorrow?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!  I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a girl crying outside a mall. I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.When god blesses you, you must bless others."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Swan represents happiness, then what bird symbolizes true love? The Swallow.(This is my third anniversary posting this joke on a time line near Valentines. My yearly repost if you will)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the deal with racism? You're not running a race."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the American elevator say to the British elevator? You lift bro?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to do a lot of tap dancing but I kept falling in the sink"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman in my office died. A woman in my office died. It’s not like I didn’t notice but for months afterwards I kept on copying her into emails. Some people got upset and I was like ‘Sorry - I CC dead people.’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had a huge argument when she said Jim Morrison was overrated I disagreed and she stormed out, I hate it when she slams the doors"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Noah keep the bees during the flood? In the Ark Hives."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Iowa has produced a new Tennis sensation Anna Cornacoba"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke Teacher: Your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?\nStudent : No sir, It's the same dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the English pimp say to his accountant hooker? 'TALLY, HO!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store  free yet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Santa go to the red light district? He likes a good ho ho ho"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard in the news that thay've found harmful materials in cosmetics and childrens crayons, but in the defense of the big corporations... They're doing asbestos they can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country. I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Mrs. Claus say when she and Santa are having sex? Oh, oh, ohhhhhh!!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the beer made entirely out of rabbits, frogs and kangaroos? It’s mostly hops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar. I said ‘Mimics.’ The party laughed. The barkeep laughed. The table laughed. We killed the table. Good times."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My na always told that a great disease would be coming Guess she had a 2020 vision"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short would've helped. Funeral's Thursday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it was a mistake to call childbirth “delivery”. It should have been called “takeout” instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college? A Graduated cylinder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the beach next to the power plant closed? Because it is spark infested waters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Growing up as a gamer I was lead to believe the end times currency would be bullets or bottle caps. Turns out its hand sanitizer and toilet paper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today's forecast is going to be.... Partially sunny......"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself. The man replies, \"if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!  I'm just doing it for kicks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jimmy Carr was once on Top Gear, and was (for a time) the fastest star in a reasonably priced car. Which is ironic, because that is what all the hookers in L.A. called him, too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man calls 911 one day and frantically asks them to bring an ambulance Man: \"My 14 year old son was entering the mine to find coal but he stubbed his toe on the entrance! Please bring an ambulance quickly!\"911: \"Sir I'm sorry but this is nothing we can do. We don't deal with such minor issues\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Darth Vader's breathing sound so angry? He is just venting..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic. Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him… “I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a sus dudes favorite pair of shoes? SKETCHers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thai Girl Last summer, I was sitting next to this  hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”… But she did."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers. So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you make grass slippery? Do you make windows wet? Are you a morning person? If so, you may be dew condensation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window... ...she said it was a little condescending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just released a new fragrance Nobody in the car seemed to like it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was passing gym class with flying colors until we got to the skiing unit. It was downhill from there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read of a medieval knight who was always sure of himself. Sir tainly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying policeman? A helicopper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Chernobyl policeman and a box of chocolates have in common? They’ll both kill your dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the onion get flustered? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it's not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Six afraid of Seven? 7️⃣ Because Seven had two priors and extended probation and got his nickname in prison for how many minutes it took. \"Took what?\" You ask? You don't wanna know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome... Made me so wet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's good to know sign language. It's pretty handy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules something about not having Chemistry together"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant It's a real game changer..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did God say to all the animals during the Greaf Flood? Don't worry. I Noah guy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad? Seizure salad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are so many Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars Fords? So kids can get used to pushing them at an early age"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The vet said she will put the dog down. \"But why?!\" exclaimed the owner.\"Because he's heavy.\" explained the dogtor.-taken from a cat calendar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "so now it’s cool to walk into the bank with gloves and a mask but when i wanted to do it, it was a felony"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem? Disappointment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, we used to refer to the People's Republic of China as \"commies.\" Now they are \"dot commies.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount. They called it \"The Oregon Trail\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a chubby chick riding cowboy? A triglyce-ride"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear Fuzzy Wuzz had no hair. If Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear without hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy was he?(This still cracks me up 20+ years outside the 2nd grade classroom where me and my boys gut-laughed to tears over this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year’s resolution is to start collecting highlighters Mark my words!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. You start with a diamond and heart and you end with a club and spade."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I guess China finally got what they want They managed to coronise the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers, your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore He said \"Fine, suit yourself\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my mate has started dating twins! I asked him the other day \"how do you tell them apart?\"He said \"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...... And Brian's got a cock\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is Betty White"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them. I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath. I still don't know if I like self-checkout."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a 4D printer? Just take a 3D printer and give it some time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s was a Mother’s Day retreat in the mountains there were too many cougars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "99% of people can do simple math operations. I belong to the other 2%."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two farmers <a geek joke> Two farmers were chatting,One says, “You reckon the profit on your crops this year will be significant?”“All depends,” said the other.“On what”“My pea value”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone says communism is a bad idea . But I'm weirdly attracted to it.It must be because of all the red flags."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recent cyber security breaches are discovered due to their rapid deployment. The hackers are always Russian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly. Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory? The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Horny Crab Two men are talking:\"I'm a kind of horny crab\" the first man gasps.\"what do you mean\" asks the other one.\"I can't get out of Michelle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park? - For busting a nut in public view"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The samurai's autopsy report came back. They found a chink in his armor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Turtle beat the Hare? It used a razor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The bravest men and women in the world are military commandos. Think about it: all that running, getting shot at, dangerous missions deep into enemy territory... and all while not wearing any underpants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day. He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing. \"Where's your appendix page?\"\"Easy\", she says, and points to her lower abdomen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You may have heard of No Nut November But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral. Unless you are a football team manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party. His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor.  She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds. This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I broke the drums at the bar where I work, so my boss had to order a new set He told me there would be repercussions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from the sandpaper factory They said I was too abrasive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do snails fight? They slug it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat? Butt weight, there's more!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of rabbits A nest What do you call a group of birdsA flockWhat do you call a group of Lions Dangerous"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it's a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone - now I have spring rolls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the laptop show up late to school? It had a hard drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I drew up plans for Duckingham Palace, but I can't find them. So I guess we'll just have to wing' it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs... The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman was gathering plates in her kitchen... Her boyfriend comes from behind and very playfully starts to kiss her on the neck.Her : Babe, stop it, I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher.Him : Yeah, me too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Al Qaeda's favourite football team?? New York Jets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that wombats are capable of complex mathematical operations? They can cube the number 2."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the one element say to the other while they were playing Minecraft Bromine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes. Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic....Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husabnd and wife A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”  The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blind man walks into a bar And then a table... And then a wall..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When applying for a Palestinian passport.... In the section where it says \"occupation\" .. do you just put ISRAEL?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I heard Australia just ordered a mass cull of over 5000 camels yesterday... Wouldn't be the first time a drunk Aussie polished off a pack of camels in an afternoon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Gates has often claimed how hard it is to give away 100 billion dollars. Then he discovered divorce."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are crimson, violets are violet I have an art degree...you want fries with that?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's almost summer! Time for Americans to start getting bleach body ready"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him... ...before he did his time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are all the dead sinners bald? Because they have hell toupee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, \"Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?\" The librarian replies, \"It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when four kangaroos have sex? A kangbang"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A goat shaved away it's beard and remarked Not by the glare of my chinny chin chin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Corona must have hit India hard... I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week fromMicrosoft to warn me about a virus on my computer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the couch say to the armchair? Don't worry, I pull out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a fancy Italian restaurant but stormed out when I found bugs in my food. Turned out it was the anty pasto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People and bottles are very similar If they get alcohol inside them they will get drunk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Six afraid of Seven? 7️⃣ Because Seven had two priors and extended probation and got his nickname in prison for how many minutes it took. \"Took what?\" You ask? You don't wanna know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my father showed me a world of pain I know he sounds like a monster, but he was just a French baker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex Position #189 \"The John Wilkes Booth\" (NSFW) You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad always brags that his was the first profession to go completely digital. He’s a proctologist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Russian leaders coffin? A czarcophahus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dealing with dad-jokes all winter... I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why some people didn't like Hollow Knight? The game was full of bugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've compiled my Dad Joke Insults and archived them. I call it the \"Dad Abase.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I inherited hypertension from my granny. She taught me to take everything with a grain of salt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me I thought to my self,   “Well that wasn’t very mature.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does a snowman have a heart? Nope, just big balls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating life If my relationship doesn't work out I want to be a suicide hotline doctor... I need a nice way to meet chicks with no strings attached."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you use a cart to golf instead of a car? Because you'll need a tee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a a heron addict, but after 6 weeks of rehab I've got no egrets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cold Mexican food? A Brrrr-rito.Guess what I had for breakfast. Apologies if repost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never listen to coins? It never makes any cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having children is a lot like making pancakes The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a scientist who wants equal rights for all elements? A chemenist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help... There's no way the kid could take on all three of us"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What room in a hospital has the least amount of privacy? The ICU.Edited. (I see you)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today. I dropped my pants and bent over. They should have said it was a thermal scan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The WWE wrestlers Edge & Test were big back in their day, even had separate fanbases believe it or not, Edges fans were called \"Th Edge-ed Edgies\"and Test fans were just a bunch of quality balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body? Methmatics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kitten that lost their tongue? Mew-t"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said \"Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but... I'm starting to think he's a bassist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread It was a cross-bread sandwich"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a lady at the bank checking her balance so I pushed her over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my girlfriend at a African language class We just clicked!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom The giraffe says \"pass the soap, please\"And the elephant says \"no soap, radio!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of auto-correct died recently May he restraunt in peice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In recent news, a man who was charged with impersonating a hay stack Has been bailed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One frog turns to the other and says... Time's fun when you're having flies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "i was playing a game earlier and the other team was really good and i'm new so i left. and then i realised i didn't rage quit i parent quit i wasn't mad just disappointed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park. Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do physicists play Volleyball? In vacuum with perfect spheres."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t Crocodiles ever admit that they’re wrong? Cause they live in Da Nile"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target. tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is DJ Khaled's favorite number? Eleven. Because it's a 1. And another 1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs. It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a talking Dr. Oz doll! You press the button and it goes *Quack Quack Quack.*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Tortoise challenged the Hare The Tortoise said “race you home!”The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the population of Brazil? I’d say about a Brazilian people or so"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop? It’s just plain common scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Amish girlfriend only likes missionary sex. I tried to get her to try other positions. But all she does is cum plain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg So i cooked beef in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class? Sum bodies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fort made out of doors? Fort Knocks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man gets himself a date and decides to surprise the girl with some flowers. He walks into a flower shop and the florist asks \"Hey, what are you looking for, specifically?\"The man says \"To have sex\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde walks into a library A blonde walks into a library. She asks the librarian:Can I get a chicken salad?The librarian answers: sorry, this is a libraryThe blonde responds: Oh, right! (Whispering) Can I get a chicken salad?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything..... I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the last letter in the fascist alphabet ? I’m not so sure... all I know is it’s “not z”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't forget tonight, just before midnight, to lift your left foot, and don't put it back down until after the clock strikes midnight... So you can start 2021 on the right foot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an interview yesterday, Texas Governor Rick Perry stood by his recent comments in which he compared homosexuality to alcoholism. Perry further explained the similarities between the two by saying, “They are both things I experimented with while in college and both resulted in my liver taking a pounding.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.  \"You can't cut me down,\" the tree complains. \"I'm a talking tree!\" The  man responds, \"You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone asked me “who’s that’s Chinese knight looking for his belongings” “He’s Sir Ching”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet. They were publicly desemenated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did a woman on death row pro long her execution? She couldn’t decide what to eat for her final meal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did blonde had lipstick all over the steering wheel ? Because she was trying to blow the horn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the proper term for a dinosaur boner? A T-Rection"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pink Fluff... What's pink and fluffy?Pink FluffWhat's Blue and Fluffy?Pink Fluff holding it's breath.(My niece told me this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball? Because they’re fucking dead"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal Elongate would be really drawn out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think Thursday are depressing, wait two days Then it would be a sadder day (Saturday)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone threw part of a brick through my front window. The police couldn’t do anything though They said there wasn’t enough concrete evidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says \"G\". The teacher says, \"Why is that Angus?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying. What are your online shopping habits?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy space explorer? A procrastronaut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman said he wanted to search my car. \"You won't find any drugs,\" I told him.He said, \"You don't sound sure about that.\"I said, \"Trust me, I looked earlier.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the accepted currency in Australia? Outbucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. Luckily my older brother told me about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the inventor of the typewriter was unknown until recent discoveries in China? The new discoveries point to a man named Tye Ping"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman arrives at the crime scene \"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?\"\"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.\"\"How do you know that?\"\"He told me as he was running off.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book. Now, they've got cameras"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man named David without an ID? Dav."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can't wait to squeeze you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the eye surgeon say after his first surgery? -Well, that was an eye opening experience."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop? Because there'd be no charge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How copper wire was invented. Dad: So, what did you need help with?Son: I need to know how copper wire was invented.Dad: It all started when 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.Son: ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there” The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places. For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At an AC/DC concert... Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock?  Crowd: YESSSSSS  Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them.... We are a very tight knit community."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a voodoo live stream? Twitch-craft."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \\*Whispering into phone\\* The leopard's escaped again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran It’s called Prints of Persia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia... It's called Guam in 60 Seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joe: I just got back from climbing Mt. Everest. Bob: Summit?Joe: Nope. Climbed all of it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel? A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was just thinking that if I shaved and shined my scalp and stood out in the sun, I could blind passersby or start a fire. Just some random reflections off the top of my head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved… …but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's Irish... ... and stays outside all summer?   Patty O'Furniture."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the magical gorilla taking ceramics class at Hogwarts? It's a Hairy Potter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My least favorite food? Sausage, specifically from Germany.They're the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships' It's on paperview"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A polar cub goes to its mom. \\- Mom, is dad a polar bear?\\- Yes, my darling.\\- Is uncle Jim a polar bear?\\- Yes, son.\\- What about aunt Cindy?\\- Yes, she is a polar bear too.\\- Grandpa? Is grandpa a polar bear?\\- Yes. Grandpa is a polar bear. Same with grandma.\\- A... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed. Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told the corn he wasn't fat, just a little husky. He didn't know how to take the compliment tho I guess it went against the grain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going. “I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”“My wife,” the drunk man answers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Tiger cross the road? To whip some Sooner ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government. Visitors only see the nice china."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hotdog? he relished it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did God yell out his window when he came up with the idea of a penis? Urethra! I've got it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally was selected to get the COVID vaccine but I had to work. I missed my shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new set designer was hired at the filming company. He was fired shortly after for making a scene."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my friend \"whats it like working at a tire factory?\" apparently it wears thin after a while"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to hide your important files from people without making Hidden folders 1. Go to your Desktop and make a new folder named Internet Explorer2. Change the folder's icon to Internet Explorer3. Keep it in your favorite corner of the desktopNow, no one will open internet explorer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class. I've never run so far in my life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Russian Cossacks were legendary swordsmen. A man once insulted a cossack.Enraged, the cossack drew his sword.There was a flash of silver.Realising that he was still alive, the man laughed.\"Ha you missed!\"The cossack gave an evil smile. \"Wait until you try nodding.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An English cat named ABC challenges a French cat named 123 to a swim across the English Channel, from the UK to France. They both swim hard, but only the English cat makes it. What happened to the other cat? Well, un deux trois quatre cinq."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me this joke, I'm very sorry What did the Chimney say to his son?You are too young to smoke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class I replied, \"no wonder you're the biggest dick'this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it. This is because windows no longer supports Flash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do to snitches in the snowman mafia? You ice em’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are 89 degree angles sad? Because they’re almost right, but not quite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, \"I suppose you want a White Rabbit.\" The Easter Bunny says, \"I don't care, just give me something hoppy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember when I went to Comic-Con... It was so dark in there, I had to take a picture with The Flash..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ravioli play on his birthday? Pasta Parcel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What product do Jewish boys use most of their money on? Lotion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school. He didn't make the cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was locked out of his apartment He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock...Because end of the day, communication is key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He's guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? It's because they can't see sh!t at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad saw an ambulance barreling down the street with its siren blaring, then said, 'They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, \"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a queue of cats at the bank? A feline"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My life has drastically changed for the better since I started eating more fiber It really helped me get my shit together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pillow My memory foam pillow has amnesia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups. I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Drake go back to High School? To pick up his girlfriend"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile on drugs? You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Redditor say when the bombs he placed in the bank finally exploded? Woah, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why people think \"War and Peace\" is a tough read. It's only 3 words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Why is there music coming out of your printer?\" \"That will be the paper jamming again!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when one plate goes on top of another? You get an earthquake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bottle of beer, a mirror, and a condom were having an argument Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!  Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!  Condom: Hahaha...amateurs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of the modern art exhibit I was working at... Apparently the correct term is \"crime scene.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sea cow in Seattle? A sea-cattle.I'm so sorry for the cringe..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman stops a guy running with scissors \\- \"Hey, where are you running with those scissors?\" asks policeman.\\- \"To hospital. They just called and told me my mother in-law life is hanging by a thread\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do pigs communicate? Swine language"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between friend and a buddy? A friend will bail you out of jail and tell you, you fucked up.A buddy will be sitting next to you in jail saying.We fucked up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city? He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stupid kid joke: Why was the sand at the beach wet? Because the sea wee'd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed ... in a series of small fires."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day Teach a man to fish and he'll colonize your land."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex.\" She gives me a strange look - \"Social Security sex?\"I said \"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?... Nah i better give them to this homeless guy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really wish people would stop talking about my problematic past. It’s time to talk about my problematic future."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He’s in for a rude awakening."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel. Got kicked out of pottery class too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It’s a huge act, man.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I walk through the cemetery I text my x. Wish you were here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ciclist who just started a farming business needs to harvest his crops, what does he do? He buys sickles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How what are similarities between and hurricane and a woman? When they come they are wet and wild and by the time the leave the take your house and your car!p.sDon’t know where the how came from... sorry for it! Also, it’s my cake day!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I can see into the future Therapist: When did this start?Me: Next Monday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly... but now I'm losing Steam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her. Lucky guess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a camels favourite meal? Desert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Soaking a twig in coke is nice, but soaking a twig in fanta... Fanta stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA? The Make-A-Wish foundation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still remember what my mother in law said just before she died \"Stop shaking the ladder YOU LITTLE $#%@!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east? ... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day ...just chilling, and Satan asks, \"Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often.\"Jesus says, \"Hail, Satan.\"And Satan's all like, \"YEEEEEAH, BOI!\"And Jesus is all like, \"Oh, you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never trusted tectonic plates They’re too shifty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Different body parts rate each other The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My name is Brett but my Spanish speaking friends call me Pan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg So i cooked beef in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Canadian cartoon? Anim-eh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest I lost the case"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: \"Does this taste funny to you?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New Years resolution Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card? \"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring? One is nude in dye and the other died in new."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store. One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? UCLA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future. The Man Delorean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just started a financial advisor/ credit repair company called Financial Fiber. I help you get your shit together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Her malpractice suit isn't going so well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob talks with his wife after a long night of drinking. Bob: \"Honey, I think our house is haunted!\" Wife: \"Why do you say that?\" Bob: \"Last night when I opened the bathroom door, the lights suddenly went on, and cold air blew right at me!\" Wife: \"You idiot! You pissed in the fridge again!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic Without all those tourists helping hold it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Taxes and Texas? Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Best way to vaccinate the masses Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it. Everyone will have it by Saturday. Thursday if you have Prime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a frog's favorite drug? Croakaine. Explains why they're hopped up all the time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing \"nice... what’s the highest you've been?\"I tried to kiss a goldfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dinosaurs die out. They got ereptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says \"I can't find any milk for my coffee\"The second says \"in space, no-one can. Here, use cream\"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Wales? A Entertainment Center."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to make a joke about people that do drugs But that’s where I draw the line"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Religious CD (NSFW) My muslim friend told me had purchased a a copy of the Koran on CD, so I asked him to burn me one.Then hell broke loose...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman comes to work, all happy. \"Guess what?\" He says. His co-workers ask: \"We don't know, what?\" The policeman answers: \"I bought a Lego set for 3+ years and managed to build it in a year!\"(Was funnier in my language)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a botanist's favorite musical instrument? A xylem phloem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice.... Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a stupid grain? A half wheat!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!! Even years after hearing this, it's still my favorite winter joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m seeing a lot of heaven related jokes, so here’s a bad one to lower every bodies expectations- What do angles fish for in heaven?Holy mackerels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a twig that won't stop looking in the mirror? A narcissistick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a poster on a tree with a man's face. It read: \"MISSING PERSON! REWARD £150\". Would you believe it...I was out on a pleasant walk the day after when I found that very guy tied up in the woods down by the river.So regretfully, I had to give him the £150."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a slice of pizza and a hippie? You don't have to take the crust off of a slice of pizza before you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know why people are so happy about Robert Mugabe's death... I mean, didn't he turn all of his countrymen into billionaires?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it. Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Germans bail the Greeks out? Because they took Pita on them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy. It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.I was a complete mess.I was broke and my body was ruined.But fuck me, what a night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today... It drew blood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know an angle is dead? When it shows no vital sines"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my first day at my new job I was fired for not tucking in my shirt. How I was supposed to tuck in a crop top is beyond me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my calendar is broken... Haha, April Fools!It works just fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was arrested for having 5 pounds of cocaine stashed in boxes of Lucky Charms. The police found the whole ordeal as \"magically suspicious\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered... that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor. I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.I said, \"Have you been masturbating with this?\"\"No!\" she gasped. I said, \"Then why is it covered in cobwebs?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day It was impossible to put down"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all those considering doing the \"Kiki Challenge\" please remember... You should never Drake and drive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the melons plan a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the liquor store today and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?” I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a warehouse full of soup stock Now I'm a bouillonaire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree.. It's the infantree that's deadly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the crab name his daughter? Ma-shell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the headless horseman start work earlier than everyone else? He wanted to get ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A communist joke isn't funny... unless everyone gets it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India. I said sure,  but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol. He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops? Demeter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Horny Crab Two men are talking:\"I'm a kind of horny crab\" the first man gasps.\"what do you mean\" asks the other one.\"I can't get out of Michelle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday my friend came out as a cross dresser by wearing a mini skirt to his office party. That showed a lot of balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Uh Oh! Look at the forecast! It's an Irmagency!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snail paint a big S on the side of his vehicle? So when he drove by people would say \"look at that S car go!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One man proposed that Geico switch their mascot to a kitten. \"Now, with only 15 minutes, you can save 15 purr-cent on cat insurance\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours After all, it's made from scratch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I know of a perfect way to rob a bank. Son: What is it?Dad: It’s a place where people keep their money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.” Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An oxygen atom was looking forward to a threesome, Instead the poor guy got ozoned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said to me \"what rimes with orange?\" And I said \"No it doesn't.\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Four people, each of them being from different professions define a kiss. Mathematician: 2 divided by nothing.Physicist: Expansion of the heart and contraction of the lips.Marketing specialist: A thing which is profitable when returned back.Economist: A thing which is high in demand but low in supply."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the police do if you steal soup? They arrestew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can’t even."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young everybody believed in me The doctor saw in me a potential physician The teacher saw in me a potential professor The chef saw in me a potential cook The priest saw in me a potential partner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bowl of salad went to church Lettuce pray"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do artists hate working in really cold environments? Because all they get is exposure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke? It was no laughing matter..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend says I have a tendency to be overly taboo. Well I say girlfriend...She's actually my sister."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, \"Thanks for the Baghdad\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I climbed the stairs and saw a man standing on the edge about to jump. \"Don't do it!\" I screamed. \"Your life is worth more than that!\"Anyway, then he jumped, and I was escorted down from the diving board."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, \"sort it out yourselves.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.” The bank really needs to get their life together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man from Alabama opened his fridge... He looked around inside, closed the fridge and yelled to his wife:\"Honey! We're out of bread!\"The wife came into the room with a new loaf.\"Don't worry,\" she said. \"We're in bread.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 105-year-old grandmother's favorite joke A bag boy is pushing a woman's groceries out to her car. She thinks he's kind of cute, so she taps him on the shoulder and whispers \"I have an itchy pussy.\"He shrugs and says, \"Sorry, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look the same to me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Senior Computer Security? Senior Computer Security?My memory is going Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You have to be gentle with a bathroom tap Don’t faucet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that... ...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll. They’re the troll kin white guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm getting tired of these targeted ads. I just saw one for funeral services ffs! That's the last thing I need!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?\"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.\"He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tired dragon make for dinner? Flamin yawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter... I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans... They never get old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope the far east finally collaborates with the u.s. on eradicating the virus. I mean, it's Christmas day, we could use the good China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Two steaks please\", I asked the writer. \"Rare for me, medium rare for my friend.\" He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got vaccinated today It was one of those drive thru deals where you don’t leave your car. Right before the nurse injects me she says “little prick”. So I called her a fat bitch and drove off. What’s wrong with people these days?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?\"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.\"He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dinosaurs girlfriend get pregnant? Because they did it rawr."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s was a Mother’s Day retreat in the mountains there were too many cougars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him. You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks \"hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?\"  Donald replies \"No. Iran.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, How do you make a Motherboard? He said, I tell her about my job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people? None of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell if a vampire is sick? See if he's coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, \"What do you do at a red light?\" I said, \"I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!  It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear? He wore a hole in that fig leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows. They are calling it the element of surprise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking about starting a donation website for men who can't afford Viagra I was going to call it \"Dick starter\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "(True story) Richard Branson was once asked what is the quickest way to become a millionaire He answered, 'to be a billionaire and start your own airline'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dismemberment isn't humorous unless you lose an arm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells ‟Do  not do it! You’ve so much potential!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I went for a walk with a beautiful woman Then she noticed me, so we went for a run"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts....The technical term for it is post-nut clarity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind. We have really weird pets in my neighborhood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer keeps playing random music I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does George W Bush call his kitty cats? Weapons of mice destruction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm like Hank Hill when I'm in an argument. Stern, no nonsense, and my urethra narrows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out. Her kids don't help either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pig say to the spanish butcher? Porque"}
{"character": "random", "line": "why is japans population so old? the last time they had a little boy it didnt go so well"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got out of an abusive relationship I'm glad, my hands were starting to hurt!  ^(Source: SrGrafo stream musings)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My frugal neighbor doesn't want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he's going to try and do it himself. \"How hard can it be?\" he said. I think he's in for a shock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Lieutenant Worf say when he made rainbow T-shirts with his son? “Today *is* a good day to dye!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Peppa Pig's favourite food? Her favourite food is Peppa-roni"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes... Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many people will be celebrating alentines ay this year. It's for the people who won't be getting any v or d this February 14th."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband: \"I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother.\" Wife:  \"Why does it say 'Do Not Resuscitate?'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer walks into his house holding a goose in his arms He approaches his wife and says “Well this is the pig I’ve been fucking.” His wife stares at him, mouth agape, and says “Excuse me?! That’s a goose!” The farmer replies “I know. I wasn’t talking to you.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding. Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much do you charge? (NSFW) A man goes to a lawyer's office and asks him, how much do you charge?The lawyer responds: I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?Yes. What’s your third question?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guess who’s getting some head tonight My pillow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad. The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him \"do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?\"The snail said \"No I don't. It happened so fast:-(\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wife calls her husband. \"The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink.\"\"Oh no. You think he's still angry at me from the last time?\"\"What happened last time?\"\"He said he's here to replace the toilet. So I pissed on him\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: can you pick up milk? Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easyWife: I mean from the store Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe.They both drink a beer and go to walk out the door but the giraffe collapses on the floor.The guy carries on leaving the bar and the bartender shouts.... 'hey, you can't leave that lyin' there! The guy replies....It's not a lion,it's a giraffe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of physicists held a beach party. They had fun so made it an annual event. It's becoming a really popular wave function."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Waiter waiter there’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a director who's broken their arm? A cast"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a picture of Hurricane Dorian but it came out Grey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the loudest part of tennis? The Racquet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat. “Have you been drinking?” The officer asks. “Just water,” says the priest. “Then why do I smell wine?”The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you die and get cremated, . . . you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is it hard to spot a leopard? No.  They come that way.  \\- Courtesy of my eight year old, about ten seconds ago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You guys was right about Donald Trump harming the environment He's already making snowflakes melt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of the modern art exhibit I was working at... Apparently the correct term is \"crime scene.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift. He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An emo became a perfect film editor he made very accurate cuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period. It got very late and they said \"lets just call it a day\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\" The man stammered, \"Yes.\"Bang!  The robber shoots him.He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\"The husband quickly responds, \"No....but my wife did!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I play battlefield and I switch teams a lot. Yesterday I found out why I’m part Italian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girls be sweating their makeup off at work Call that a 9 to 5"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? A: \"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people? None of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: \"There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool.\" Johnny: \"So, what are the words?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Ben. Ben who? Ben waiting here all day to get some candy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a Get Well Soon card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses dress up as for Halloween? Night mares."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning? Nutmeg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an all you can eat meal in a rabbit hole? A Warren Buffet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hosted a huge event for gingers last week Sadly not a single soul showed up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa most definitely passed No Nut November He only comes in December."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Boulangerie” is a french bakery. “Boucherie” is a french butcher shop. What’s a french ice cream shop? Benandgerie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think.. ...You shellfish bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was Iran called before it was formed in 1979? Running."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy’s doctor tells him he needs brain surgery The guy asks, “Doc, after the surgery, will I be able to play the violin?”The doctor tells the guy, “Go fuck yourself”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to do a lot of tap dancing but I kept falling in the sink"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest. Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.\"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?\"\"Get out of here. I'm pooping!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dyslexic walks into a bar Gets slapped and called a pervert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you try to crossbreed a turtle and a dragon? You get a crushed turtle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage. It was a tern for the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February march? No, but April may."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sheep like to do in the summer? Have a baa-baa-cue!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction? No whey, Hose A."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You should never roll a pair of CD’s down a hill and see which one reaches the bottom first. It would be a disk race."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the shovel regarded as one of the most creative inventions? Because it was ground breaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not very good at geography But i know the name of one city in France, which is Nice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pancake become the king? He u-syruped the throne."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A musician walks in to a music store. \"I'm looking for an instrument that goes *ding*.\" he says.\"*Ding*?\" asks the confused shopkeeper.The musician replies \"You'll do fine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out I guess that's mustard gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq Iran!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Legendary composer Jim Steinman has died at the age of 73... One of his biggest hits was \"Dead Ringer for Love\" a duet by Meat Loaf and Cher. Making the video for the song took weeks, as Cher's working hours were strictly regulated due to most of her being under 18"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a huge can of alphabet soup for dinner last night This morning I had the biggest vowel movement of my life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pink Fluff... What's pink and fluffy?Pink FluffWhat's Blue and Fluffy?Pink Fluff holding it's breath.(My niece told me this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin? Hey can I have my nickelback?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hooked up with a GILF We get to her place she said she didn't need a safe word. If anything went wrong just hit her LifeAlert  button"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had a pillow fight. The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A politician, a farmer, and a doctor walk into a bar. They all exclaim, \"Ouch! Who put a bar here?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody set an alarm... ... To wake up green day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pushed that soup ladle as hard as I could... ...caused quite a stir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two grains of sand going through the desert Suddenly one tells the other: \"Dude, i think we're being followed.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells ‟Do  not do it! You’ve so much potential!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend stopped talking to me after I lost 3 of my toes to frost bite. I didn’t know he was lack toes intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the only class in high school with makeup exams? Cosmetology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards I thought to myself, \"Thats just Spam\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile that goes for the wrong hole? Analigator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Earth once It was dirt cheap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody must have roofied my drink last night. I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the donut say to the loaf of bread? If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together. I figured if you can't beat them, join them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!” That’s M’Shell on my back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning my alarm went off early. I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy camper? A Jolly Rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What's he going to change next-his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match - use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a magician joke. Magicians are known to be excellent at hiding things. Then afterwards, they make it reappear somewhere else. The best example of this is the good ol coin trick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can prove the Earth is flat But people always tell me my arguments keep doing roundabouts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to spend Christmas together? Because they have herd immunity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy who only wears a loincloth and a crown of thorns? A cross-dresser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bird walks into a bar, takes a seat, and is promptly shot by the bartender. It was a stool pigeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti? Pasta la vista, baby!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.He said: “Me? How?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If anyone should wish to bequeath their gold to me.. I will be their bullion heir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't ghosts have babies? Because they have hollow weenies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator. Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom never told me I shouldn't touch electric wires Imagine my shock when I got grounded!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a great cat joke? Just kitten. I don't have one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets. Hindsight is 2020."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year. Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frog parks illegally? They get toad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding. Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico? With the help of a hose eh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The birthday dragon tried to blow the candles for the 254th time. Btw the party was on fire. We had a blast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? The New York Giants fans will admit their team sucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese judge comes out of session. Meets another judge who asks \"What's so funny?\"\"Oh, someone just told the best political joke ever.\"\"Care to share?\"\"Can't. Sentenced him to 10 years for it\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows say “I love you”? With a s-mooooo-ch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that he replaced the Oxygen with Uranium in a water molecule. I was like, \"HUH?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the \"telephone\" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, \"That's nice, but...\" \"Look at what kids your age make in China!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure. Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I literally only know two phone numbers 911 and J.G. Wentworth’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it? Ambu-Lance Armstrong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a 14-year old girl? Nothing. They are both just waiting for the first period to be over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a Crab’s favorite part about pizza? That Crust taste, Son!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart. It's the only way I'll see my family again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. Surprise, surprise!It was an Apple, but with limited memory.Just one byte, and everything crashed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst thing about going up the stairs behind someone? The ascent.  (Ass-scent)Thanks to my daughter for that one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A redneck suffered a nasty fall... So he visited a physician and sought treatment. “Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained,” the doctor said. The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new backyard grill I got for Memorial Day weekend is actually assembled in America... The box of components are imported, but I had to put it together myself in my garage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he *neverlands*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Hitler's girlfriend and a female farmer? One bails her hay and one hails her bae."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to date a half-Asian. Her mom was Chinese and her dad was Japanese A shark ate her bottom half."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin. One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.(Joke Originally from The Joke Cafe - http://thejokecafe.com )"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just made a bran cereal with edibles in it High 'n Fibre"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on a date last night, as I sat at my table, forking my food awaiting my date to arrive, I realized they had stood me up, and I had to foot the bill. Long story short...... Don't ever date a leg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey... When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated \"It's okay, I like to be dominated.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So this guy tried convincing me he was a ghost. But i saw right through him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I went to the doctor... She asked \"What brings you here today?\"I replied \"My car.\"And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: \"Not sexually active.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said \"tell him a fruit joke...\" And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemonaid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it difficult for orphans to play baseball? Because it's hard to find home"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the corner shop - bought four corners"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle? A: Attire!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Ben. Ben who? Ben waiting here all day to get some candy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street? Au!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an impotent baseball player? Two balls and a strike."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a headache caused my someone stealing your wheat My-grain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I helped my uncle jack off a horse My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad always turns his head slightly away from the printer when he's using it Apparently he can only see it in his peripheral vision."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick. This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States. Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know air is a highly addictive slow acting poison? 100% of all people who breathe air have died, and if you try to stop breathing the poison you will die within minutes because of how addicted to air you are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Statistician is playing darts The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, \"bullseye!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "*Dad walks into strip club* Dad: “Twerking hard or hardly twerking?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[In a courtroom] Judge: Did you feel guilty at the time? Accused: No I didn’t, your honour. Guilty: Yes he did, your honour. That’s why I pressed charges against him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Hugh Heffner's favorite shape? A Rectangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV. He asked, \"What is that for?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most calming scent? Chloroform"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reporter: \"This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body.\" \"Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a \"mystery object\" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through They use the same idea to make mobile game ads"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A detective story 11:45 - arrived at crime scene11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain11:45 - Realised watch was broken"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile on drugs? You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a barbie toy is in a line for a grill? A barbie-que"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs. She said, \"Try Sarah Topps.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on a date with an anorexic girl She said, 'I don't want anything serious right now, I've got a lot on my plate'I said, 'I doubt it'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher. I walked into his shop and said to him, \"Who told you you could sleep with my wife?\" He said, \"Everybody.\"Rodney Dangerfield"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I threw a brick in the air and pondered what would happen... ... and then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Twitter is like a bank account When you enter the wrong opinion five times, your account gets locked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only problem with a grill that's low to the ground. The steaks couldn't be higher?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The leper was upset at the expensive ambulance ride to the hospital It cost him an arm and a leg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did I get kicked out All I did was go to the bank and the woman in front of me asked me if I could check her balance its not my fault she banged her head after"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection? Because either-net works when he’s catfishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an elephant in a Safeway shopping cart? You take the S out of safe and take the F out of way!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between men and women What's the biggest difference between men and women?What they mean when saying \"I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you guys heard of the huge fire at the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year. What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do to snitches in the snowman mafia? You ice em’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pink Fluff... What's pink and fluffy?Pink FluffWhat's Blue and Fluffy?Pink Fluff holding it's breath.(My niece told me this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you reward a chicken journalist? With a poulette surprise!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a fish that can dunk? swooshi !(proud of this one)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "PC Fan Noises So I just asked me computer guy why my computer fan makes so much noise when my computer is just starting up. He said not to worry, the fan's just taking a second to get it's bearings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all those people that say \"age is just a number\"... ...well you're wrong, it's just a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab, and he asked the owner, \"Do you make crab cakes?\" And the owner said, \"Yes we do.\"...So the guy said, \"Good because it's his birthday.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best parting gift? A comb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a dyslexic kangaroo go when he's sick The Hopsital"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water? Stew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn? A metro-gnome"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars. However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ? The female will tell you how to eat her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct They found Jesus and got raptored"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If skeletons could be any ruler from history, who would they be? Napoleon Bone-a-Part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want me to tell you the joke about the butter? No, you might spread it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What runs around a baseball field but never moves? A fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the masturbating crab? He really came out of his shell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife’s showing symptoms of Alzheimers. She’s telling me everyday that she can’t remember what she saw in me that made her marry me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina. Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I read War and Peace in 20 seconds I know it's only three words, but it's a start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday. I couldn't see any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A musician walks in to a music store. \"I'm looking for an instrument that goes *ding*.\" he says.\"*Ding*?\" asks the confused shopkeeper.The musician replies \"You'll do fine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently went to a coin factory... I was in awe at all of the machines and moving parts that filled the factory. At first, I didn't understand what was happening, but then it dawned on me. It all makes cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do they access the internet in Israel? Net and Yahoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Santa has only two reindeer? Rudolph and Olive, the other reindeer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the space rock eat the hamburger? It wanted to be meteor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument does Darth Vader play? The rebel bass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wise man told me that the mobile network carrier you choose says a lot about your life No wonder I use Virgin Mobile."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The phone rings at Crayola Headquarters {green-green-green}\"Yellow?\"\"May I speak to Mr. Brown?\"\"Please white while I transfer you.\"{pink}"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun! The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the crab get fired? Because he was not moving the company forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was. Turns out the guy's a cereal offender."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(A character in a dream told me this joke) This dude calls his vet and says \"My dog ate one of my Viagra and has had an erection for more than four hours, what should I do?\" The vet replied, \"Did you try to manually induce ejaculation?\"The guy goes, \"Yeah I tried but I couldn't get hard because my dog ate my last pill!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family was so poor when I was a kid... We could only exchange glances at Christmas!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re traveling along the Oregon trail and you meet a man named Terry. One of your party members says, “I thought Terry was a woman’s name.”That party member immediately dies.What did they die from? Dysentery"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters. Dunkirk?Yea, did all of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a celebration for bubble tea at Comic Con? Boba Fete."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man finally returns home from WWIII to his dog The dog asks: “Did you go for a walk without me?”The man replies:“No, Iran”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend. I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom? Because number two shocked him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side. It scared my wife pretty bad. I assured her he’s all right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The 13th amendment makes it illegal to buy people as they aren’t property Apparently, government officials don’t apply"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Korean couple. A Korean couple were sitting on the couch in front of the television when they hear a loud fart.“ It was the dog” said the man smiling.“Don’t blame the dog” the woman said “ I cooked it perfectly”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants? My ice cream cone. =(*Inspired by actual events."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad joke Is something that only groan men are allowed to tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say at the strip club? Ho! Ho! Ho!You’re all on my naughty list!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were. They said chicken or vegetable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which Pie takes 9 months to Bake? A cream pie!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire? Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a squirrel in a church? A chipmunk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Is a plastic surgeon He specializes In hand jobs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins? Because half of them are coppers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger, and the Trix Rabbit were found dead recently The police concluded that this is the work of a Cereal Killer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve? There's no dental records & all the DNA matches..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a pickpocket went to a nudist beach... He hated it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Siri,\" I asked my phone, \"why am I so bad with women? She responded, \"I'm Bixby, you moron.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. \"Which ear is it?\" he asked. \"2018,\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor? Too Siri-ous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day. He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing. \"Where's your appendix page?\"\"Easy\", she says, and points to her lower abdomen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two kittens are sitting at the edge of a slide. Which falls first? The one with the lower mu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out? Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what a krakens favorite meal is? Fish and ships"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If James Spader played a redditor in Blacklist, what would be the name of his character? Raymond Redditon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghost dogs always haunt us by dragging their butts across the ground? They have unfinished business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you earn karma on March 14 (3/14) when it isn’t your cake day? Easy! Slice of pi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it? To put all its nuclear fission."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk was born in South Africa, and made an electric car. What if he had been born in Madagascar? He would have made a gas car"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them. When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a goat that works at a bakery? A battering ram"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The workers at Coca Cola factory are always enthusiastic and motivated to work.... That’s the sprite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Pink Panther say when he got to the cul-de-sac? Dead end. Dead end.Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad would lock us on the closet for hours at a time. He told us it was elevator training. Today, I was in an elevator, I nailed it!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law & Order franchise ordered a T-bone steak for dinner last night. He prefers them well Done-Done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light? Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We have one of the recalled Samsung washers. But, don't feel sorry for us... We're going to have a blast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna last longer in bed? Forget to set an alarm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open. A terrible, early form of click bait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The problem with quotes on the Internet... is that it is hard to verify their authenticity.\"\\~ Abraham Lincoln"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If cartoon characters become real, who would attract most women? Pinocchio"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day on Venus lasts 5,832 hours The same as one Monday on Earth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the farmer stop stuffing goats into his truck? There was no more ruminant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is... ....when you're getting a haircut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a snail commit suicide? He looks into the socket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Celsius be like On a scale of 0-100, how hot is this water?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend walked out on me, with my Bob Marley CD and Satellite dish. Oh well, No Woman No Sky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven. Finally, the chicken Caesar salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy turns up to a fancy dress party with nothing on but carrying a woman on his back, When the host opens the door he asks “this is supposed to be a fancy dress party, what have you come as!?”The guy replies “I’m a tortoise, this is Michelle”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you could exterminate any race what would you pick? Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Russian Cossacks were legendary swordsmen. A man once insulted a cossack.Enraged, the cossack drew his sword.There was a flash of silver.Realising that he was still alive, the man laughed.\"Ha you missed!\"The cossack gave an evil smile. \"Wait until you try nodding.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend tried telling me shovels are useless. But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents are divorced, and my dad took it kinda hard I once asked him for an xbox, and he handed me a container of my mom's stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes? Because they love period sex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the ejaculating clam so nervous? He was coming out of his shell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's an absolute treasure.... By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A vampire comes home, covered in blood \"Hey, awesome, where've you been?\"\"Well, do you see the tree outside the castle?\"\"Yeah?\"\"Well, I didn't\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the forgetful idiot's house.*Knock knockWho is there?The forgetful idiot. Sorry i forgot where my house is, can you help me?-credit to my 10 year old niece"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whether you love him or hate him... ...Trump got more fat women walking in one day than Michelle Obama did in eight years."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here's a tip:Don't say 'yes' to drugs! Also, don't say 'no' to drugs!Seriously, don't talk to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandad went down in history. .....he also fingered someone in geography."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did George Bush get Afghanistan pregnant? He never pulled out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year's Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it's as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They're always hogging the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without our watches, our argument about the time of day could have gone on forever But since we were tired from a long day of spelunking, we decided to call it a night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase \"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine\" It was former US President Abraham Lincoln."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds... Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama? All the DNA matches and there are no dental records"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course... Man: Well, someone's going to be six under!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting. I think I am understanding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an unpredictable connection with my tap. It's a hot and cold relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s okay for me to use gorilla glue but as soon as I start using horse glue everyone gets all angry Aren’t gorillas like, super endangered? WTF"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A science teacher tells his class... \"Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1774.\" A blonde student responds, \"Thank God I was born after 1774! Otherwise I would have died without it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that Daniel Day Lewis is retiring from acting? My left foot he is!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal Feel free to go fuck yourself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Trembling, the teller stammers, “D...d...don’t y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?” The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy goes to school with his kitten... ...the teacher asks the boy \"Why did you bring your kitten to school today?\" the boy replies, \"I heard daddy yelling last night I'm going to eat that pussy. So I brought him hear to protect him.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's common between a sperm bank and a coffee shop? you can get a Cup o' Joe at both places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ? Pallbears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course... It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that... Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My imaginary girlfriend wants to break up with me. She told me she wanted me to start seeing other people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally. Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand? San Diego(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero It's called the \"0K Boomer\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do sea gulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)Courtesy of my seven year old niece"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain. Why is Ice so dangerous?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did settlers eat when they headed west? Oregon Trail Mix. I hope this joke doesn't die of dysentery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers. While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: \"No. You can't CME.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad thought OnlyFans was a webstore that just sold air conditioning units. I suppose you can still find something on there to spin around and blow you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "That clown movie topping the box office is the real reason why we've been having so many hurricanes Because when IT reigns, it pours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually . . . encourage you to pick your nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Easter Sunday! Just saying that if he came back on a Monday we could have had a long weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Comcast doesn’t need to have a Pride Month ad campaign. They suck dick all 12 months of the year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course... It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to spend Christmas together? Because they have herd immunity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a convenience store and asks \"Can I have a can 'o dew?\" Store clerk tells him, \"No can dew\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend. I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck? The angle becomes a rectangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought.... Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage. It was elf and safety gone mad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three Chinese friends Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United StatesIn order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu..... decided to travel back to China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together? \"Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a hand and a frying pan? In the frying pan, the meat shrinks. In the hand, the meat grows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What makes crop circles? A protractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wise words from my grandmother. Not all strippers are prostitutes, and not all Romanian girls are strippers. Some are also prostitutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane? The water.No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you steal a coat? You jacket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state do crayons go to on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it's not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor? Too Siri-ous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are restaurants great places for networking? Because they have a lot of servers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Highschool orchestra goes fishing Some kids from the highschool orchestra go out on a charter fishing boat during summer break. The captain comes out to talk to them and says \"Any of you kids ever cast a net?\"\"No sir, we're all from the brass section\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are panthers so much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard cousins? Because they're never spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle I responded, “That’s not right.”With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you watch Food Network all the time, I asked my wife. You suck at cooking and watching doesn't make you any better!She replied \"Why do you watch porn?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you run out of toilet paper in the wilderness? Take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television. I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Upon discovery of some sandstone deposits in a dried-up river, Mr. Watson questioned Sherlock Holmes on how he could be so sure it's sandstone. \"Why, it's sedimentary, my dear Watson!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once knew a girl with a fetish for synnesthesia. Eventually, she came to her senses."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom? Because the 'P'  is silent.I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor thinks he’s invented a new procedure to remove a woman’s uterus Other doctors point out this is already a well known operationThe doctor replies “oh well it’s historic-to-me”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it... But he's sticking to his guns on this one.  Stubborn man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up I always see Himalayan there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two nuns are driving through Romania And they pass by Transylvania when a vampire leaps on their car. When the passenger nun fails to get the vampire off, the driver nun tells her, \"Quick! Show him your cross!\"The passenger nun shouts \"GET OFF THE DAMN CAR!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A person unsure if God exists rolled a numbered cube to determine the answer. It was a diagnostic test."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"How do I get a firmer body?\" asked the fork \"Utensil your muscles\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is eavesdropping at the Oval Office like watching Sister Act? Either way, you're gonna hear a con-vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Edward get on the plane? Cause it was snowed-in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery... Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?  Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was hiking once with my girlfriend Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. ................One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfort... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast. The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.  It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\n\" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? \" My wife screamed. \" Could you explain to me,\" I yelled back, \" Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench? The NBA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. I went to four different ones today and they all said \"Insufficient Funds\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I'm terrified of random letters Therapist: You are?Me: *SCREAMS*Therapist: Oh I seeMe: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store? Picking his nose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer. The bartender refuses to serve them and asks them to leave.When the brain asks why, the bartender says, \"Well, you're clearly out of your head, and I think you're friend is going to try to start something!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are accountants so good in bed? They excel at making spreadsheets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t spaceships have bars? In space, a hole in the wall would kill everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cemetery say to the hospital? Sorry aout the delay but thank you for your patients"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman catches a shark. As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, “Wait wait wait… I’m a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go.” “Alright,” says the man, “I want my penis to reach the floor”. So the shark ate his legs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need to brush up on my geography. The box my new TV came in said \"Built In Antenna.\" I have no idea where Antenna is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece wouldn't eat the beef tongue because it came out of the mouth of an animal. I then prepared her an egg..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation? I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000"}
{"character": "random", "line": "German tourist visits Poland Guy at the airport: Nationality?German dude: GermanGuy at the airport: Occupation?German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a priest get hit in the face by a perfume burner during mass. The priest was incensed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn’t believe it when I read that the cast of “Friends” are reuniting after 20 years. No one told me life was gonna be this way."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIFU and heard the four words you never want to hear during sex... \"Call me an ambulance\" So I said, \"You're an ambulance.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food... We should definitely make America grate again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel. It was a ground-breaking medical procedure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen I heard she was a massive DMX fan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slug has died after his girlfriend left him for a larger snail... His homies said he was salty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked into a pet shop. I said, \"I want to return this bird cage. My girlfriend's parrot is dead. Choked to death.\"He said, \"Have you got the receipt?\"I said, \"No.\"He said, \"Why not? We need proof that you paid for it.\"I said, \"The parrot ate it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you annoy a Pink Floyd fan? Play their music on shuffle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander? One acts a little, one acts a lottle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up? Aww shucks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the calendar afraid? Its days were numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don't know why she's mad at me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you lift an elephant with one hand? You can't, elephant only have feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes. It gave me great satisfaction.....She was wearing them at the time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which month do wives complain the least? February because it has fewer days."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor? Eye Patchino"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students, Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion? Because it was a Wayne-y day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just downloaded my Biology notes but couldn’t open them. We were studying the helicase. I then had to Unzip the file to open"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say:’ why don’t they protest peacefully?’ And then here comes this guy: ‘why don’t they just do a Zoom protest? ’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The workers at Coca Cola factory are always enthusiastic and motivated to work.... That’s the sprite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients, They could really get away with calling them psycho paths."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't MC Hammer's team of lawyers get him off the hook? The charges were too legit to acquit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why Do Accountants Make Good Lovers? They’re great with figures."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the farmer stop stuffing goats into his truck? There was no more ruminant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present... I didn't get you one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection \"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog,\" the vet said"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a planetarium show. While I thought it was fantastic, most of it was over my head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge says \"After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week.\" \"Thats very fair your honor.\" The husband said \"And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jesus promised the end of wicked people. Thor promised the end of frost giants. I don't see many frost giants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Owls: I do not know What, Where, When, or Why I only know who"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The judge says to the bailiff, \"Bailiff, what is this man charged with?\" Judge: *Bailiff, what is this man charged with?*Bailiff: *Your honor, this is man is charged with BIGOTRY! He had THREE wives!*Judge (shouting): *BAILIFF! Havin' three wives is not BIGOTRY! &nbsp; It's* ***TRIGONOMETRY!***"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After months of putting it off, I finally replaced the mirror in the bathroom. I just couldn't see myself using the other one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beer brewery manager on the phone with Mrs Jones: \"Afraid I have bad news. Your husband fell into a vat of beer this morning.\" Mrs Jones started weeping. \"Did he go quickly?\" \"He climbed out three times - but only to pee.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Taxi A drunk guy stops a taxi and opens the door,\"You have space for 10 beer and a whole chicken\" he asks the driver\"Sure\" the driver replies\"Ok\" answers the drunk guy and pukes in the car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Food is getting so scarce, I just followed a squirrel so I could steal his nuts. It was a lot of work for two small pieces of meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences. “Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?” One student raises their hand,“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who can beat captain America? Captain Vietnam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf. Then suddenly the penne dropped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The price of lumber has gone up so much... That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Batman : You idiot Robin. You don't have to pee in the hall. There is a bathroom you stupid. Robin : Sorry. What is a hroom.?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a serial killer who only kills priests on a Sunday morning. He's a Mass murderer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 is a unique leap year... It has 29 days in February.300 days in March.And 5 years in April."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With all the bombings in Kabul, Afghanistan, authorities are planning to rename the city They’re aiming for Kabum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble. You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour. Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is it safe to eat salad yet? It romaines to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak? Because it was /r/aww"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The errors 404 and 403 went to vote, 404 voted for Trump. 403 forbidden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a woman selling batteries in the park today.. She sells C-cells by the seesaw"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who was fishing from a railway bridge? He was trying to catch a train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most popular song in hell? Burn baby burn, Dantes inferno!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed? Let me finish this one line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards. It’s because I’m Ruthless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does going to the massage parlor and watching a Hallmark Channel movie have in common? You always know you’re getting a happy ending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a theft at an Apple store, so that makes me an iWitness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green? K-K-Kale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish all other languages were deemed un-finnished"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a potato takes over the world A dictatership"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, \"Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?\" Little Johnny quickly replied, \"NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"So, Are you a team player or a one man army?\" I tried team playing, but my boss kicked me out of his bedroom and told me to leave his wife untouched."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a steamed potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Common English Mistakes Common English Mistakes-mixing up there, their, and they're-using the wrong too, to, or two-putting commas in the wrong place-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches-using apostrophes for plurals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW?] A kid rabbit came back from school looking very happy. Father Rabbit: Why does Junior look so happy today?Mother Rabbit: Because they taught the students how to multiply."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shelly sells seashells down by the seashore Shelly got chlamydia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a motorcycle club comprised entirely of bisexual monarchs from Scandinavia? The Bikings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan... Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa spend 364 days a year forming strong masculine relationships? Bros before hos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Best way to vaccinate the masses Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it. Everyone will have it by Saturday. Thursday if you have Prime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about buying a pillow from mypillow.com But then I realized it was *his* pillow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m Out Of Jail, I Can Honestly Say It Was Worth It!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure. Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my friend invited me over one day at his house.... he told me to get comfy and feel like its my home, so i threw him out, i dont like having visitors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to McDonald’s and asked if they had any deals. The lady said, “We have the Travis Scott special, it comes with fries and a drink.” I asked, “does it include a burger or is it just the rapper?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine finally started watching Doctor Who, after years of not even knowing what the show is about It’s about time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I filled out a form wrong and accidentally gave a patient a bag of the wrong blood type. It was a Type-O"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt. Personally I think he torques out of his arseEdit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.Thankyou everyone!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history... It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Oberyn Martell's favorite cartoon? Popeye"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The White House bar and restaurant, upon Trump's arrival, will reduce their beverage selections to just two choices: You can get a White Russian or an Orange Julius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the blacksmith charged with? Forgery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised. The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Covid restrictions... I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far. They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register. I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the writer who became a baker? They say he makes excellent synonym rolls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a tongue twister for all to try, I learnt this when I was a fifteen year old kid, I can still pull it off to a tee.. I'm not the Pheasant plucker, I'm the Pheasant pluckers mate.I'm only plucking Pheasants because the Pheasant pluckers late.Good Luck.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ones for the kids: What did the bee say to the flower? Hey bud!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The owner of the local cinema died today His funeral is on:Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom? Because he wanted a meatier shower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday. I'm expecting a long sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, \"I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, \"The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why? He rasped, \"Cuz they’re still alive!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase. I said, \"Don't forget your Baghdad\".(Hopefully it isn't a repost)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The problem with quotes on the Internet... is that it is hard to verify their authenticity.\"\\~ Abraham Lincoln"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s my pillow? Not at Bed Bath and Beyond"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear. He said, \"Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "George Carlin once famously joked, \"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.\" Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, \"Don't worry, it'll grow on you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. \"You know, one would have been enough.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Holding a step ladder) \"This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year's Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it's as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 5th month of every year, my aunt let's her pigs in the field.... It's mayham!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder.. ..to find exactly 32 of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a wheel work? Tirelessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Mufasa say to Simba when he pretended to be a tiger? Grrr, I know you lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... 'Can I join you?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Urinal etiquette tips It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar The bartender says, \"what can I get you officer?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Introduced my girlfriend to the family over the weekend, everyone was shocked... Specially the wife ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer goes to his wife and says... “You know, if you were a real, real woman you’d give milk and we would ‘t need cows!”She looks at him, hesitates for a second, then responds.“Well, if you were a real man, we wouldn’t need farm hands!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree? A meateorologist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie? Lord of the rings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed. so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Old McDonald's farm and an old Asian women's closet have in common? There's a muumuu here, a muumuu there...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gorillas see us how we see aliens, skinnier, smarter, less hair Or you might call them Asians"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday Christian Bail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my daughter if she knew what today was. To my suprise she said presidents day.I asked her if she knew why we celebrate presidents day.She said that its the day the president walks out of the white house and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of bull shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Spanish Mage never cast a spell? Because his MPnada"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Dunkin Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box.... ...I've been banned for life from that shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery? It's ground breaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a guy drives an excessively loud motorcycle or muscle car we know what they’re compensating for... ...they must have a really quiet penis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, \"when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer.\" The drummer retorted, \"and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to get a new pair of scissors today. The old ones just weren’t cutting it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell a snowman from a snow woman? Snow balls.Yes. This is an old one. It's probably appeared here a million times. But it will be new to someone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lazy people fact #2048290320389220192842991 You were too lazy to read that number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer... I guess she'll have to flip a coin....Heads or Tales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies? Cause *truants* don't go to school!(I came up with this right now)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Michelle Obama's favourite vegetable Barackoli"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. \"Yes! Oh, yes!\" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. \"Great!\" I said. \"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say I'm overconfident Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck? The angle becomes a rectangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind? Thought knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table? A *circonference*."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does The Backstreet Boys make a bad cardiac specialist? Because they'll tell you it's nothing but a heartache"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I’m sorry,” the doctor says, “you have rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “Will that cure me?” the patient asks. “Well, no,” the doctor replies, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the shopping center that burned down? Nothing was left but Kohl’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics But it's still shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open? Because it has short skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet? Commodo dragon..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know a man is a programmer? Send him shopping and tell him: \"Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10.\" If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son told me he’s going to work forever. But not for a salary, he won’t need to get paid when he’s older, but he’ll have so many good ideas that he’ll have to keep at it. Working all the time to crank out his inventions and art and literature and all that. So I ask him to share some ideas with me. \"I can’t share them with you, I haven’t started having them yet.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most popular type of tree in California? Ash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are always over a dollar, whereas deer nuts are always under a buck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the flower prostitute say to her client? ¨You want floral?¨"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members? They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.They're called ABBA Trois"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new book I wrote about improving your basement just sold its millionth copy. Its officially a best cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was King Arthurs army too tired to fight? All of those sleepless knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, No, just leave it in the carton!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper? Because he had little patients!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife arranged the plates by color and size... It’s a rare dish order"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome... Made me so wet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Marowak say to Cubone during her dying breath? Marowak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what makes sense? Perfume factories."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself. The man replies, \"if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do blind people beat off to? Thots"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a PhD Public Highschool Diploma"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who’s the most prepared person on earth? Justin Case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students, Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend loves to talk about their new skin lotion. He just keeps rubbing it in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you rearrange the letters of Postmen they get very angry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All music classes were banned at my school... They said the classes encouraged too much sax and violins..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups? A blunderbuss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She kept saying that the Earth was flat while the elevator we were in kept going up. She was wrong on so many levels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do scientists keep their breath fresh? Experamints"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man it was really raining cats and dogs today. Sure hope I don’t step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the pope put on his pancakes? Papal syrup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs … as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just looked at me and pointed to a pea on her plate, she said I found it on the table behind my plate She said it was an esca-pea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man parks his car in a 'disabled parking' spot when a traffic policeman shows up. 'Well well well sir,' says the policeman while getting his coupon book 'what is your handicap that allows you to park here?'After a brief moment of thinking the man awnsers: 'Tourette's sydrome, Cocksucker!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a train conductor do when he’s angry? He blows off some steam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does everyone hang out with matches? Because they're lit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a doubtful side-chick? A second thot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favourite element? The element of surprise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Irishman standing in a field in China? A rice Paddy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass! The rest is your mama"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Southern santa be like, Goodnight to y'all, and to y'all a good night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Snowman's jizz? Jack Frost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet. They were publicly desemenated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage.. It leaves four little pricks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father never told me why he removed the last page of my comics. I drew my own conclusions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the woman who backed up into a fan? Disaster.Dis-assed-her.Copyright Chris Farley."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a dyslexic poet write? Inverse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what's the best thing about the make-a-wish foundation? they can really work to a deadline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a guy doing 60 in a 30 zone, so a policeman pulls him over Policeman says to driver: \"I have reason to believe you've been doing drugs, sir.\" Driver replies: \"Why, cos I'm black?!\" Policeman: \"No, sir, cos you haven't got a fucking car.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway... It's a this order disorder disorder disorder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when kids spell \"angel\" as \"angle\" They're just trying to be edgy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old friend, now living in China, called me. I asked him how life is over there and if he's doing well. He said \"Ah well , you know. I can't complain\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold. I just heard the President likes gold in showers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All these jokes about Alabama but no one acknowledges their contributions, like inventing the toothbrush At least I think it was Alabama.  Anywhere else they’d have called it a teethbrush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.I fulfilled my promise.She’s dead and berried."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ghost walks into a bar at 4 am. The bartender says: “sorry, we don’t serve spirits after 3.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This mnemonic joke helps you remember the alphabet... AcronymBasedComedyDoesn't EverFeel GoodHonestly,IJustKeepLamentingMyNegativeOpinion,PerhapsQuestioningRealityServesThe U... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. That's my stepladder, he said. I never knew my real ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do college vampires like to shop? Forever"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard They misheard the words *serene dijon*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application. First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .And now they want me to choose who i want to race with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How long is a Chinese name That wasn’t a question"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do u call a strong soup? s0uperior"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character My daughter Chewbacca, not so much"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got told off for masturbating at the gun range. We had very different interpretations of shooting from the hip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out? That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans. I called for there server: \"Waitress, there's soup in my fly\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor? Eye Patchino"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago. He comes to me this summer and he goes... \"Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell him he will be held back a year.\"I was like, \"I guess you better tell him slowly so that he will get it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We call the hardest working prostitute at a brothel Princess Jasmine Because she’s always got Aladdin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared... The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.The lady frowned and asked \"How did you know?\" The man chuckled lightly and said \"you used blueberry\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's Santas favorite singer? Elf-is Presley !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay? Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes.... Will she be Rivers Phoenix?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a farmer and a pimp? The farmer makes an honest living with his hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Nintendo fans does it take to change a lightbulb? Who knows? They’re all too busy playing with the switch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair? Because they can't stand up for themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If cooking one meal doesn’t make you a chief Then sucking one dick shouldn’t make you gay...Right???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is turning 32 next Monday. I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”“What are you talking about?” she asked.I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the dentist and they said I need a crown, I thought \"recognition at last\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the budget for The Room? Cheap, cheap, cheap!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man with authority walks into a bar. He orders everybody around.   (Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally swallowed some food coloring... The doctor says I'm ok, but I feel like I'm dyeing inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the name of the movie about a baby goat that learns karate? The Karate Kid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control? An edgelord"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Mountain Dews are sitting on a counter. One Mountain Dew is almost empty and the other is fresh out the ice box The fresh Mountain Dew looks to the old Mountain Dew and notices he looks upset. He asks “What’s wrong?” The other drink responds “I can’t dew this anymore.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It’s a huge act, man.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have more oranges than I have apples And you thought that I can't compare apples and oranges..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Woman: I’m having the worst period ever Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a snail was beaten up by two turtles, its friends were looking forrevenge, so they wanted to know,\"Did you get a good look at the turtleswho did this to you?\"\"No,\" the snail answered, \"it allhappened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, \"I'm getting really wet.\" \"Turns you on, does it? I asked. \"Turns you on, does it? I asked. \"No,\" she replied, \"you dribble a lot.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a decent joke about a cow but it’s pretty offensive so I’ll probably need to take it down [remooooooved]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face. Except for Chris Brown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It took my wife six hours to push out our first child. He’s old enough to live by himself now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's common between a sperm bank and a coffee shop? you can get a Cup o' Joe at both places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was confused as to why my neighbor started selling empty perfume bottles... It made no scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a pair of running shoes the other day Let me know if you've seen em."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist... An Obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist...He's in the lobby for an hour before the doc calls him in.Doc: I apologize for your wait. Man: Don't, *I'm* the one that can't stop eating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s? His last surgery was gut wrenching."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly. The barman says \"That was quick!\"\"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had...\" replies the man.\"Ohh, what's that?\" said the barman sympathetically.The man answers \"no money.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What noises do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, cackle and pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only reason I went to Wimbledon was because I heard it was a women's singles event."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't phones ever go hungry? They have plenty of apps to choose from."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken Jack O'Lantern? Use a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"I'll serve you, but don't start anything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They've recently discovered a brand new use for goats in Pakistan... They're calling it \"Milk\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t plant flowers... ...if you haven’t botany."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Captain Price was a dog what would he say? \"Bravo 6 going bark\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says \"did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?\" The fellow turns to him and says \"have you tried mouthwash?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stupid kid joke: Why was the sand at the beach wet? Because the sea wee'd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the water sing at 4 degrees celsius? - Lets dense !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence \"The marbles fell out of my pocket.\"Vs\"The marbles fell out of my colon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class. She said, \"Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?\"The quick witted retort came flying back \"Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are so many scams on the internet now days. Send me $19.95 today and I can tell you how to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize For real"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is... Married."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave. He was decomposing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've learned that restaurants in Denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American. Something about five customers being better than one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an upvote that changes colors ? A karma chameleon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the chameleon say when he walked across a tie-dye shirt? Whoa, that last bug must have been laced with something!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does every Tickle-Me-Elmo have to have test-tickles before they leave the factory? No, Not every one, only the males"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do if you see two snails fighting Nothing, just let them slug it out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a prostitute tell her customers? How big is your love?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For All of my Fellow Bartenders... What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist ?A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So they say a Harriet Tubman's face is going on the $20 bill. Excellent, I can't wait to start using black people as currency again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a troubled childhood, my parents never put a hand over my eyes when people were kissing on the television. They tried to push down my boner instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs? The Indian nap-less 500."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What big, brown, hairy, and has a white liquid inside? Coconuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat... So I filed for divorce!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do scientists keep their breath fresh? Experamints"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today at the park / Saw a six foot tall pigeon Now that's a high coo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a cougar and a leopard? A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer? I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever seen a wrestling match? Of course you haven't, matches can't wrestle if they come in boxes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I saw... Went to the drugstore to purchase some asprin.    I saw a short irishman and he had a giant steering wheel in his pants.    I said, \"What the hell is that a steering wheel?\"  He said, \"Ooooooweee and its driving me nuts.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house... Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells \"Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it. I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "-Mom, is God black or white? \\-Both, mother answers\\-Is he male of female?\\-Both\\-Mom, is Michael Jackson God?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy . it releases dopamine and reduces stress . improves prostate and cardiovascular health ... and i still got thrown off the bus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic. And as far as I know,  he still is !!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke was going to get him for Father’s Day? He sensed his presents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay? Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses. I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the tornado that hit the trailer court in Little Rock? It destroyed the Governor's mansion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Trans potato? A French fry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boyfriend claimed size doesn't matter. But then the wallpaper he put up all fell off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke from my 10 year old niece. What do you call a sleeping T-Rex A dinosnore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a satisfied video editor? Content creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bug imprisoned in a bottle of perfume say? I’m in-a-scent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When do computers overheat? When they need to vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words, too, but underwater is one of my favorites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street - then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breast reduction surgery clinic motto: When life gives you melons, make life take the melons back!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know facists love 25 of the 26 letters? Not \"z\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke from my 8 year old grandson What do you call a Jamaican finger in your belly?Poke, mon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “why the long face?” The horse replies, “This was my best friend’s favorite place.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets. Hindsight is 2020."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor. It had a terrible year-ache."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A key that opens any lock is called a Skeleton Key. What do you call a lock that opens for any key? A shitty lock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference? One is The Taming of the Shrew.The other is the shaming of the true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm sure I bought a pair of camo pants. But I've looked all over my house and I can't find them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know crocodiles could grow up to  feet? But most just have ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the proper term for a dinosaur boner? A T-Rection"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke * A dog walks into a bakery* Baker: How can I help you?* Dog: Woof!* Baker: Anything else?* Dog: Bark!* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?* Dog: No."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the leper baseball match cancelled? People started throwing hands"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was feeling very rundown and tired when suddenly a muscular little person grabbed both of my legs and lifted me into the air with ease. I instantly felt refreshed! I guess I just needed a little pick-me-up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get two flutes to play in tune? Shoot one of them. How do you get two violins to play in tune? Shoot both of them. How do you get two altos to sing in tune? It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Cannibals Attack When cannibals attacked the AMAs, why were Eminem, Kendrick Lamar and Drake spared?You're not supposed to eat the rappers.(I literally dreamt this joke)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW: A woman answers the phone and there's heavy breathing on the line. A pervy voice said \"I bet you have a bald asshole\" She says \"Ah, you want to speak to my husband\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just been thrown out by security and told never to return to the hospital again. It turns out the Stroke Unit isn't what I thought it was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences. “Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?” One student raises their hand,“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire... Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident. The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the non-binary prospectors head west? Because there was gold in them/their hills."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a girl tells you to take her to the most expensive place, where should you take her? an American hospital"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out? I think they would really bond"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the shovel regarded as one of the most creative inventions? Because it was ground breaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident? a wrecked angle(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blonde actor with a long neck? Charlize Heron"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Blind Professional Fisherman, Is Given the Honerary Title of \"Master Baiter\" *He replies* : \" It's easy. You just grab your worm, wrap it tight. Cast your pole, and just pray that you inevitably smell something fishy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you from Iraq? Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't you dare hit that drum again! If you do, there will be repercussions!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the friendlist element out there? Bro...wait for it...mine! Bromine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A suicide bomber in a pet shop A suicide bomber enters a pet shop and announces... \"everybody has only one minute to get out of here...\"Tortoise: Fuck :-/"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never buy your hard drugs from the Roto-Rooter guy... Plumber's crack is nasty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Dandruff Shampoo Does Guy Fieri Use? Frosted Flakes. Thought of this on the ride home and I am still laughing. Sorry for the bad joke, I needed to share."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a GMO scientist, after a successful series of test results, turns to his lab mates to congratulate them and say \"You're the team of the crop\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "All my life I've refused to wear perfume. But then an aggressive perfume-salesperson knocked some scents into me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a serious man with a scythe that sneaks around outside people’s windows? The grim peeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's funny how certain scents can bring back memories of people we associated with those scents like how I remember my ex every time I take a shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: PIRATES STOPPED STEALING OIL TANKERS They switched to stealing tankers filled with printer ink..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today i asked myself the question: Do I identify myself as a man or a woman. But then I knew after I spilled my coffee, I am just a disappointment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree? A meateorologist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the doctor’s Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.Me: How small are we talking?Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of car would the Roadrunner be? Jeep Jeep"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar The bartender says\"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Tesla and a porcupine? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.[If you own a Tesla, please substitute \"Range Rover\" or whatever other brand makes you feel better.]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would bears be without the letter B? Ears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If skeletons could be any ruler from history, who would they be? Napoleon Bone-a-Part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: \"There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool.\" Johnny: \"So, what are the words?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother died recently. We had her cremated.   I think that’s what killed her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is getting sick and tired of me buying her stupid gifts. \"Next one you buy, I'm going to burn it.\" She screamed.So, I bought her a candle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: A shipment of Viagra has just been stolen The police are still on the lookout for the hardened criminals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My anatomy class is covering the nervous system and I don't get any of this stuff. It's so nerve-wracking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean... It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what would really lift my spirits these days? If I integrated a gym into my liquor store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny.\" *Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*\"I came straight home, of course!\"*That's my good boy.*\"Mom?\"*Yes, my son?*\"May I please have a penny?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby cause 2 wongs don’t make a white"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was walking along a solitary forest path when he came across a fork in the road. He stopped and pondered for a second....and then he picked the fork up, dusted it off and used it to eat his lunch.Can't let a perfectly good utensil go to waste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my girlfriend at a African language class We just clicked!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pigs live in Germany? Ham-burg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grammar may be poor, but my grilling is impeccable. I'd steak my reputation on that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never judge a book by its cover. Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know the story of the ugly duckling? Pretty fowl story"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the two most open minded presidents? Abraham Lincoln and JFK..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer keeps playing random music I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back? Because there's a squirrel in the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans. After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'. Which is not so bad until you read it out loud."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the sentence \"the thief stole a television\" where is the subject? In prison"}
{"character": "random", "line": "About a month before he died, we covered my uncle's back in grease and lard He went downhill fast after that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860 Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan? Take away their little brooms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a drug den dressed as HIV. Nobody fucked with me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just talk about how good the old one was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good project manager makes updates. A bad project manager makes up dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above. It's my new year's resolution."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid : \" What are condoms used for?\" Dad : \" To avoid such questions. \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to become someone serving the community and helping people ever since i was little. On Mondays - Thursdays,  i am a doctor. Fridays - Sundays , I'm a Police officer.  Being a stripper is challenging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours. Guess women are the ones full of shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a chubby chick riding cowboy? A triglyce-ride"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through They use the same idea to make mobile game ads"}
{"character": "random", "line": "America is the only place in the world where you can drive up to a fuel station and buy a liquid called \"gas.\" That's funny to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mediterranean food doesn't agree with me.. I think it's too Greecey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a... ...Flat Fee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Flint MI? Pb and j"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the average temperature at Motown Records? Three Degrees, Four Tops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Grizzly found causing mayhem at a BBQ” First, he mauled dad in the back garden. Then he cooked up some burgers, urinated in the punch and downed the lot of it. The newspaper headline read: “Bear grills, drinks his own piss”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Colt joined with ArmaLite to create a new firearm called The Congressional. But it never works properly and you can't fire it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always ask a funny question on first dates. \"Are you a serial killer? \" Its healthy to avoid competition in a relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does George W Bush call his kitty cats? Weapons of mice destruction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency I mean it's just common cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a man locked in a woman's body... but then I got born."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article? You’re in for a nasty surprise - No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called? Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Blind Professional Fisherman, Is Given the Honerary Title of \"Master Baiter\" *He replies* : \" It's easy. You just grab your worm, wrap it tight. Cast your pole, and just pray that you inevitably smell something fishy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder... Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, \"What's with the paper towel?\" The pirate says, \"Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you remember which direction the sun rises in? Eventually, it'll dawn on you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?\" No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time to take this cookie to the hospital. It's feeling crummy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Siri,\" I asked my phone, \"why am I so bad with women? She responded, \"I'm Bixby, you moron.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the Marvel fans Dr Strange: Knock knockDormammu: Who’s there?Dr Strange: Door momDormammu: Door mom who?Dr Strange: Dormammu I have come to bargain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y’know, one would have been enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others. The rangers kicked me out!Said I was Crittersizing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Muslim tailor make so many veils? It's hijab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play. Damn near froze to death on left wing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?\" \"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs.\"\"Why the two dogs?\" \"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club? Because he was flossin’...Buh dum tisssss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat? Butt weight, there's more!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to a burger joint a while ago My son, 8 at the time, ordered sliders. When the waitress came with our orders, his plate fell and the food went everywhere. He looked at me straight-faced and said, \"I guess that's why they call them sliders.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Billy: \"Your mare - what breed is it?\" Jack: \"No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. \" \"Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?\" \"Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime.\" \"Tsk tsk tsk...  a nightmare.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Colorblind uncle My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 3 year old daughter as a pink fairy princes To my wife: “I’ll make you a queen!”To me: “I’ll make you a cookie monster!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a goat that likes cleaning? A roomba-a-aa-aa.(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the giraffe leave her boyfriend? He was a Cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Future, past and present were having an argument it was tense"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A delivery man is carrying a box to a house when, suddenly, he drops it: \"Ups!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the worst thing for a woman to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? \"I'm not Willie Nelson.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Woman: I’m having the worst period ever Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the coolest letter in the alphabet? B, because it is in between the AC."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home. Now he’s in a pickle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under? Fan fiction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar... Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I grilled a chicken for 2 hours. It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a turtle when it dies? It goes into riga-tortoise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after sex. Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mosquito bit me 8 times. Mosquito byte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do u get when u cross a human and crocodile ? **A bloody mess.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the governor of North Carolina criticized for responding to Hurricane Florence so quickly? Because women don’t like premature evacuations"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all knew 2020 is going to be a horrible year We just expected it to be filled with 2020 visions jokes, rather than a deadly virus, locust swarms and murder hornets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait? Doesn't seem like it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert? He had to resort to excessive violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell an African from an Indian elephant? The ears. Lift them up and whisper “Where you from?”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many \"D\" 's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ? Wife eye connection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by. I was never meant to be a hearse driver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the youngest piggy in the family always get stuck wearing? Ham me downs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories....... That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The teacher asks little Johnny : \"Your dad buys 18 six-packs of beer at $3 a piece, how much is it ?\" \"I'd say about a one week supply, Ma'am !\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I did two tours in Afghanistan and one in Iraq Thank you for the applause! Not enough people appreciate sex tourists."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner. However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree? Doctor Who"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy. She urned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Original (well I made it up hope it hasn’t been done before) Where do math teachers go out to eat?K(c), but when they are cooking at home they use their pizza O(n)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers? Kids : no ideaDad : mentos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but ... I have a sore throat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't trash collectors require any training? They just pick it up as they go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese factory that got blown up? Da brie was everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, Aye E! I owe you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is a lot like avatar Aang. In the sense that he dissapeared on me when I needed him most."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do spiders seek health advice WebMD"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the funniest part of doing an office conga-line? When you look back and realise you’re doing it alone and you’re not in an office, you’re in a psychiatric hospital."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it... And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an upset chef make food with? Angrydients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to make pancakes, then I wasn't… Then I was. Then I wasn't.Then I was. Now, it looks like I'm just waffling…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, \"I wonder if the have any colored printers.\"I replied, \"Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Polar Bear Cub Walks up to its mother\"Mum, am I part Brown Bear?\"\"No dear\"\"Am I part Black Bear?\"\"No dear, your all Polar Bear\"\"Grizzly? Panda?\"\"No why?!\"\"Because I'm fucking freezing!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them. Call that a defense magnesium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost get arrested? For possession"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead... \"Hail, Satan\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, \"What's happening!?\" \"The big bad wolf!\" a goat shouted. \"Is meditating!\"\"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.\"Noooo!\" the goat bleated. \"It's become aware wolf!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two old guys chatting. First guy: The wife and I fuck like rabbits every night.Second guy: You lucky bastard, I get it once a month, and I call it the Bruce Lee night.First guy: Why the fuck do you call it that for?Second guy: Because it's the night I enter the dragon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cucumber walks into a bar A cucumber walks into a bar.The bartender says, \"you got any ID?\"The cucumber hands him his license.The bartender looks at the picture and goes, \"nice try but this is obviously a pickle.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stupid knight won a jousting tournament. While awarding his prize, the king had to ask, \"How does such a dumb man win a contest like this one?\"The squire answered, \"All the points just go over his head.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs... That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit... Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Language barriers go brrr I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, \"Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!\" I said, \"Wow!\" Then her friend said, \"She means 666-3629.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Coworker: Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere. Me: Well it got me to the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in ‘98. Coworker: Really?Me: No."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a girl named Ruth. If you two break up, you're going to be Ruth-less."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it!Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife makes my pancakes too thin. Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I miss baseball so much... I miss baseball so much that I've been substituting things I see out of my front window.Today there's two old ladies drinking on the corner:It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rich blonde woman from Beverly Hills was at the dentist about to get her tooth pulled. The dentist asked, \"Do you want a local anesthetic?\" She shook her head and said, \"Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. I only want the best! Do you have anything imported?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "English is not my first language. My American girlfriend texted me, \"myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative\"What is a ternative?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All these video games with epic orchestral music scores. Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation Otherwise it's due to the lack of money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them \"Scraps\". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together? \"Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the Earth’s gravity increases a bit on Easter Sunday? It’s cuz there’s a lot more mass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "American Pharoah wins the Triple Crown, this is a historic moment... It's been 37 years since someone owned horse semen this valuable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are aircraft always painted white? The colour seems a bit plane to me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Johnny turns up into his class one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher: \"Johnny, why weren't you at school yesterday?\"Johnny: \"Well Miss, my grandad got burnt.\"Teacher: \"Oh, he wasnt burnt too badly I hope?\"Johnny: \"Oh yes, Miss. They dont mess around at these crematoriums.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police bring a phone to the station for questioning. They soon find out his shocking crime. He was charged in connection with battery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you buy an Archer that likes flowers? A rose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Television is bad for the eyes”, a teacher says. Jimmy: “Yes, and also bad for the legs.”Teacher: “Legs?”Jimmy: “My brother Timmy has bad legs from our television.”Teacher: “Jimmy, how can your brother possibly have bad legs from his television?”Jimmy: “He dropped it on his foot!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's my job to talk them down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing! And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of car would the Roadrunner be? Jeep Jeep"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth? His mouth was 4 molarPost your favorite nerd chem jokes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hard worker got a promotion. Thats the joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when nitrogen meets oxygen? Do they become nitrogen monoxide? NO.Do they become nitrogen dioxide? NO2.Do they become nitrogen trioxide? NO3.They become nitrous oxide! The joke is not very funny, but the gas still makes people laugh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future. Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a poop? A turdle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins? They strung him up, but he didn't fret.*Cogwheel takes a bow*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? A: \"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Siri,\" I asked my phone, \"why am I so bad with women? She responded, \"I'm Bixby, you moron.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "These are the hardest to pull off. You have to wait until the setup comes to you before you can strike."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get? The No-bell prize."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don't even know where he got someone else's feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a vampire's least favourite meal? Steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really hate my past self, rumor has it he used to fuck my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two atoms are talking and one says \"I think I lost an electron.\" The other atom says \"Are you sure?\" The first atom replys \"Yes, I'm positive!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said: I only have my shelf to blame."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him \"occupation?\"\"Vell, only if you insist \" he replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening.. Talk about short arms long pockets..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it always crowded in a sperm bank? Because people are paid to come.Why'd you think sperm donations are really expensive, because they're handmadeBut Its hardwork tho, it takes alo of balls to do it, whatever you thing you on regular that's nutting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the prison writing contest canceled? The warden decided that there were too many cons and not enough prose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle is like a good love story Very touching"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an Indian and African elephant? For starters, one of them is an elephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My momma said \"Life is like a box of condoms...\" Runs out faster than you expect, and your mistakes will outlive you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space. It was a cat astro fee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name \"boobies pics\" I never understood why bird watching was wrong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do ...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset. Frankly, it's not her bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are old printers so musical? Because they are prone to jamming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?\" A friend of ours: \"I vould push it three times\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that 70% of Earth's population are stupid Good thing I'm one of the other 40% !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between your ..... Penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a surgical operation to remove a magician's powers? A misdirectomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Wi-Fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.OK, I’ll have a Coke.Bartender: Three dollars. There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on the phone to a woman from the babestation channel. I said \"Can you hide behind the couch?\" Confused, she asked \"Why?\" I said \"Because my wife is coming downstairs and I can't find the remote.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snail’s luggage? Its cargo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you like pop music, like Imagine Dragons? Well imagine dragon these nuts across your chin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When lawyers go fishing, why do they throw back the sharks? Professional curteousy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, you wanna know how I got to the east of Iraq? Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Redditor say when the bombs he placed in the bank finally exploded? Woah, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory? The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really like going to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but.. I just wish they would make me a fresh plate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom doesnt want me to play videogames because she said it makes you violet Well I don't believe her bullshit. I'm light brown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!  It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill and Melinda started out as an Office romance But his PowerPoint didn't Excel. So she denied him Access without a Word. Outlook not good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sitting in the sand at the nudist resort, I wondered, What's all the fuss about anal beaching?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows say “I love you”? With a s-mooooo-ch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guess how i escaped Iraq.. IranSYRIASLY"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally found the courage to tell my suitcases there will be no holiday abroad this year. Now, I'm dealing emotional baggage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what makes sense? Perfume factories."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a duck’s favorite drug? Quack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My idea of holding a summer vacation school to help kids with severe ADHD failed. Do you think it's because I called it a \"Concentration Camp?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The owl asked the most introspect question ever. Who are you???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two students were talking about their childhood. I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk.\"\"You call that clever?\" the other said. \"I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Walter White take off his pants? He was worried they'd get methy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My lawyer is a U2 fan So he was glad to represent them in a court case pro Bono"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't British people pronounce the letter 't'? Because the Americans threw it in the ocean.ALTERNATE punchline: Because they drank it all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Viagra Cocktails Mountain Dew + Viagra - Mount and DoJack Daniels + Viagra - Jack-Off DanielsSmirnoff + Viagra - Sperm OffBudweiser + Viagra - Nut Wiser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class I replied, \"no wonder you're the biggest dick'this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with an axe over his head? Sort of Damocles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake. I'm on a work trip and I just texted her \"having a wonderful time, wish you were her.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Farmers would make a lot more money if they didn't grow avocado. They should try growing twovocadoes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to stop wearing my Linkin Park shoes Made my feet numb"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She: \"Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup....\" He: \"Oh, you don't need makeup.\"She: \"How nice, you are so sweet.\"He: \"You need plastic surgery.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do when your dog has the blues? Give it a saxophone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the new reality tv show called “Embarrassing Bodies”. Three, to be exact."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You want to know why I have a sheep skull on my bathroom scales? Weigh a head of ewe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my TV may be possessed. Today I saw the Three Stooges and Ronald Reagan on it. Its channeling dead people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self deprecation is definitely the lowest form of humour. that's why I use it all the time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde walked in to a library -Hello! She saidDo you have any chicken sandwiches here?The librarian answered: im sorry this is a libraryThe blonde then whispered *do you have any chicken sandwiches?*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an amputee's favorite toy? Legos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde sit at the Stop sign for five minutes? She was waiting for it to change to 'Go'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious. I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows look so depressed after being milked? Well if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn't shag you, you`d be pissed off too!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I've stopped counting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month? Me: I have given my answer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, \"Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel.\"The patient says, \"My name isn't Daniel.\"The doctor says, \"Mine is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth: \"I did it for the car, ma!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Charlie Brown Foundation is now accepting donations. All proceeds go towards good grief counsellors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent... Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts....The technical term for it is post-nut clarity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do farmers wear? Crop-tops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I smashed a CD in half... Bits flew everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Condoms were invented in Afghanistan At first, they were just wrappers made of goat skin.Then the Americans came along and improved them. By taking it out of the goat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in high school, my class had a rule that whoever swears, that person had to donate 1 dollar to the class fund One day my friend sweared, following the set rule, he came up near the fund jar, held a 2-dollar note, as he was putting it into the jar, he said: “Keep the change, motherfuckers!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor. Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.Credit. The Joke Cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the rectangle get sent to the principal's office? He said a square word"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica. It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was it like, flying for the first time? \"I think I did quite well. Everybody in the room was clapping\", the second mosquito said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A proud new dad sat next to me in the bus today, pulled out his phone, and showed me a picture of his rather ugly baby. I told him, \"that's a really nice phone.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw my violin teacher on the 9 o’clock news He was fiddling with the kids"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Stewie used to start a lot of fights That's why everyone called himBeef Stew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Copy nervous on its date with Paste? Because Cut was at another table, and they were a controlling ex.I'm sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that deaf people also talk in their sleep, only in sign language. Well, at least they don't get bitten by mosquitoes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit. People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*tips fedora at mosquito* M'laria"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset. Frankly, it's not her bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can at least tell you how Space Force organizes a party They planet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict. It starts in a box and moves to a house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can never trust what your stomach is saying. It's constantly making shit up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars. However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the flower so dangerous? It had a concealed pistil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabba Ghoul"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fisherman stream? A rodcast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert? What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?Boo-berry pie!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call adult-only Chess videos? Pawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c."}
{"character": "random", "line": "These are the hardest to pull off. You have to wait until the setup comes to you before you can strike."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? \"Put it on my bill!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the sentence \"the thief stole a television\" where is the subject? In prison"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last week I was invited to play in a golf tournament At first I said, 'Naaahhh....' Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought......... Damn -- I could win this thing!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mind is like a steel trap I can use it once and then I have to reset it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen complain to the store manager about her photocopier? She didn't like its tone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A vel-crow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access Just wait until Word gets out...I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a little kid, I thought \"This little piggy went to market.\" meant it went shopping. It does not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what my dog said when I surprised him with his new favorite chew toy this Christmas? Nothing. He was speechless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing. I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the name of the generic form of Viagra? Mycoxafailin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my favorite actors is Mark Ruffalo, but I’ve always wondered... How many buffalo could Mark Ruffalo buffalo, if Mark Ruffalo could buffalo buffalo?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Future, past and present were having an argument it was tense"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs donate? Because they’re shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today i asked myself the question: Do I identify myself as a man or a woman. But then I knew after I spilled my coffee, I am just a disappointment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Follow an ambulance and you’ll get free dinner. Follow a fire truck and it’s already cooked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!They named him Ravi O. LeeSorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle I donut care for them anymore though"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't witches wear underpants? To get a better grip on the broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead He calls it *Nyetflix*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster? Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly? Viola."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hydrogen elemental and two water elementals walk into a bar... The bartender says, \"'Water' you doing here?\"This came up in a recent RPG session. It's terrible, but I loved it too much not to post."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke  When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding. The citizens of Cairo are still in denial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a soap opera called \"Touched By An Angle\" but most episodes just went off on tangents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You might be a redneck if... You keep swiping right on your Ancestry DNA matches"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who’s Santa’s favourite musician? Elfis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a new word. Plagiarism.--- EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the Difference between Pink and Purple? Your Grip.  :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,Fred Flintstein replied: \"A dab o' ABBA doo.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to grill something good for watching today's horse race But my butcher didn't have any Belmont steaks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a pop up ad for a locally owned Sean Connery roofing supply company It said, “shingles in your area”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All of the cows on the farm networked all of their computers so they could stream the latest Disney film They set up a moo LAN."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? Ass crack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you put Giraffes that don't feel good? Giraffe-Sick Park"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked, \"Can you lend me a book mark?\" I immediately burst into tears.12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie. He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. \"Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm into group sex, but often confuse the names of the women. Nvm, Sharon is Karen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Halloween im gonna be a credit card. Because I'm always getting denied"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cucumber walks into a bar A cucumber walks into a bar.The bartender says, \"you got any ID?\"The cucumber hands him his license.The bartender looks at the picture and goes, \"nice try but this is obviously a pickle.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a serious man with a scythe that sneaks around outside people’s windows? The grim peeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "President Trump has refused to release the full report proving claims that Iran is developing a fighting force of flying dinosaurs. He’s released a version of the report but It’s been pterodacted"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Hurricane Dorian becomes a major hurricane... Will it be called Hurricane Mixolydian?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on... I would be crushed by dimes and have no idea why."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the chameleon say when he walked across a tie-dye shirt? Whoa, that last bug must have been laced with something!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes 1.I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation I work as a McDonald’s cashier 2.“Mom there is a burglar in here” “No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”3.“So what do you do for a living?” “I travel and driv... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called \"Accessories To The Crime\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid walks out in a Tortoise costume,why are you wearing that costume?” Mother: why are you wearing that costume?Kid: I’m going to that costume partyMother: isn’t that next year?Kid: yeah, but I’m a Tortoise..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world is your oyster... Anybody know how to shuck it, cause I'm lost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no churches in space? Without gravity there can be no mass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours. Guess women are the ones full of shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did i do to escape Iraq? IranDon’t worry this story Israel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but... Bella chooses Edward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I try to learn from my mistakes, but it's hard when they can't even wipe their own ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought one of those memory foam pillows the other day... ... Uh, I forgot what I was going to say about that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, it turns out that \"In-N-Out\" is NOT a brothel but \"Animal style\" still means the same thing; so that was nice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a dishwashing liquid that attacks grease. Mostly the uninspired cinematography and John Travolta's singing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife found out I was cheating My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me ever again!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses. Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to grow a pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Princess Diana goes to heaven... Princess Diana goes to heaven and meets St. Peter. He says to her: Here in heaven we are all equal, so you need to take off the crown. She replies: This is not a crown, it's a rim"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shelly sells seashells down by the seashore Shelly got chlamydia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia? Because he was Snowd en!(according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us. He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into the forest to seek out the Oracle Guy: \" O great Oracle, I have come to ask of you but one thing! Is there a disappointment in my future?\"The Oracle: \"Yes.\"Guy: \"Aw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yankee candle, known for its fragranced candle line of products has revealed it is making an odourless candle for the first time ever It makes no scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House He said, \"So nothing new then\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vincent Price is taller than Alan Price, who is heavier than Katie Price As I discovered on this Price comparison website"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I listened to him boast about standing head and shoulders above the rest and how he felt it was acceptable, even encouraged, to look down on others. I realized I couldn’t cast a vote for this man. He was a height supremacist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drake must miss being on tv Because he seems to be auditioning for How to Catch a Predator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said \"36C\" She proceeded to slap my face and said \"What the hell is wrong with you?!\"My response was \"Why the hell would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief knife himself after he was caught stealing violas and cellos from an orchestra? He didn't have a safe Haydn place, and he couldn't Handel the thought of being sent Bach to prison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My English teacher says it's impossible to make a sentence using only nouns... Boy, eye gist dew naught sea whey awl teachers seam two inn cyst tits knot rite. We half sum examples. Dew ewe? Lettuce snow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the butcher if he had any tripe. He gave me a box set of ‘Love Island’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do game companies do with their old successful games? Post Mortem, most port em."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Chinese guys break into a distillery. One turns and says to the other,\"Is this Whiskey?\"The other one says \"Yes, but notas Whiskey as wobbing a bank,!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it Close butt, no cigar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my kitten won the “Best Butt” prize at the pet show, it wasn’t just bad ... it was a cat ass trophy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I booked a trip to visit the Cherokee in Oklahoma this summer, but having second thoughts... I'm having a reservation reservation reservation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a book that said it could help me harness the power of ADHD. I never finished it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried texting with gloves and it just wouldn't work... So I went back to texting with a phone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pickle do when it won the championship? He just stood there to relish the moment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire but I still haven’t ruled it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] When I visit my urologist I make sure he checks my whole body. Sometimes I can be a dick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blow job would help. She asked me where I was going to find a cock to suck at this time of night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accedentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a promise to my new pair of underpants. I shit you not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do frogs wear on their feet in summer? Open toad sandals!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Reversing the car) \"Ahh, this takes me back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He's guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? \"I'm a big fan.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a vacuum cleaner store After browsing around for a while, he asked to see the manager. When the manager came, he asked, \"Is there something wrong?\" And then the man replied with, \"Oh something's wrong alright. Everything you sell sucks!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why? InflationHoly smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a magic pen that can write any color. Red, green, blue, yellow, and even words that aren’t colors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that the \"o\" in Irish names denote that you're a grandson My great-great-great-great grandfather was Reilly, Vehiclepiece. I'm O'O'O'Reilly, Autoparts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I broke a toner cartridge when I was putting it into the printer. RIP my inkbox."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: \"Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch...\" Ramsay: \"Is it Frozen?\"Me: \"... yes\"Ramsay: \"Damn...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What font does alphabet soup use? Times New Ramen.*Credit for this goes to Kim Komando. I heard it on the radio earlier today.*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Carrying an instrument in public is like having a dog Everyone wants to know what kind it is, and they think it’s really cool until it starts making noise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Robert Mueller like to drink? Just ice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, And name it ElonGates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: \"What is a compliment to a 45 degree angle?\" Student: \"My you're looking acute today.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thanks Google Nest.... I get a notice on my phone saying a unknown person was seen walking in the house early morning...shows a picture of me.... well.. fuck you to you judgmental asshole lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night? -I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.-That's not going to work.-Why not?-Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying \"CHAMELEON\".... (stand back and watch the fun.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me \"Ha ha ha! My illegal tree cutting business is working!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all use gaslighting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "CORONA ADVISORY The Symptoms of the Corona Virus are: 1. Sweating 2. Weakness 3. Diarrhoea 4. Stomach Pain Basically the same kind of feeling you get when you see your other half checking your phone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples. So I guess I lost that pissing contest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said \"I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?\" I said \"Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A patient gets its eyes checked after cataract surgery He asks his doctor: “How does it look, doc? Am I able the play the piano?”Doctor: “It looks all fine. With the right glasses it should be no problem.”Patient: “That’s amazing, I’ve never played the piano before!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, \"That's very noble of you\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House He said, \"So nothing new then\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says \"I can't find any milk for my coffee\"The second says \"in space, no-one can. Here, use cream\"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do Brain Surgeon Students go to study? The Hippocampus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man orders soup at a restaurant. The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:-Is there anything wrong sir?-No just taste it.-I can change it for you-I want you to taste it!-But..-Do it!-Ok, where's the spoon?-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you a shopping mall? Because I wouldn't mind spending way too much time and money inside of you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Trump took part in a beauty peagent, he would be crowned Miss..... ..... interpretation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went boating with cast of friends the other day... None of them could use an oar, but Lisa Kudrow.Sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A smart cop, a dumb cop and cinderella walk down the street and see a dropped coin on the ground. Who picks it up? The dumb cop; because Cinderella and a smart cop exist only in stories."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going. “I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”“My wife,” the drunk man answers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean. They are all c foods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when one plate goes on top of another? You get an earthquake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only one word in the English Language starts with D and ends in Y If you don’t believe my check the dictionary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Come right in, Mr. Trump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I told my girlfriend someone's out there making owl noises and she's like \"who\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic... ...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the rumours about Iraq? I heard they are going to invade America in order to install democracy there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive? He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman \"Can I park here?\"  \"No,\" says the cop.  \"What about all these other cars?\"  \"They didn't ask!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do crabs run in Alabama? They run in family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would make a bread joke but... Would would I *GRAIN* from it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniel's? Jack is still killing Indians."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a weeb's favorite element? Manga-nese"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do doctors make more money from circumcisions than other types of procedures? It's the only procedure in which they collect tips!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: \"i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer.\" Patient: [tearing up] \"oh god, no!\"Doctor: \"Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!\"Patient: [angry] \"What the hell?\"Doctor: \"Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea? One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, \"Is your dad home?\"The kid replies, \"What the fuck do you think?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It turned out that local barber was actually also a crack dealer. I was his customer for years, and never thought that he could be a barber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monsters are campaigning for a national holiday. They want to call it Fangs-giving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A yardvark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: \"Does this taste funny to you?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn't pay his exorcist. He got repossessed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died. The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is? A right angle. It's always 90 degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the blonde break her leg while raking leaves? She fell out of a tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg So i cooked beef in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant He said: it’s naan of your business"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm letting my child watch old Looney Tunes and Hanna-Barbera cartoons to get ready to start school. In the real world, everyone solves all their problems with a gun or a knife, too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "4th July If the 4th of July is independence Day, why isn't 17th February Shawshank redemption day? It was a much better film."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and is more fun if it vibrates? .................. A toothbrush. Come on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Object to All This Sex on the Television I keep falling off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Rihanna say to her Grandmother with Alzheimer's? Oh nana, What's my name?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Religious CD (NSFW) My muslim friend told me had purchased a a copy of the Koran on CD, so I asked him to burn me one.Then hell broke loose...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which occupation is the most perverted? Electrician - they’re always looking for strippers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does me and NASA have in common We both want to colonize Uranus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would never hit someone with a musical instrument... I don't like to resort to violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to race snails when I was younger... ... And I thought that removing the shells would make them go faster, however, it only made them more sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision... Casting The Rock is a boulder decision."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got arrested today I got arrest today, apparently you aren't allowed to do doughnuts within 200ft of a school zone... the frosting worked as great lubricant though"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, \"Is it to scale?\" \"No,\" I said.\"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey He said \"yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years.\"\"Really!\", I said, \"I had no idea!\"\"Sure,\" he said, \"she sleeps and I masturbate!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brown, steams, and can be found under a piano stool? Beethoven's last movement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cemetery raises its costs and blames it on the cost of living Indeed a grave situation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An ant walked up to me and told me a bad pun, so I squashed it. Pun ant ended"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? (aka 'The 4:20 Joke' from How I Met Your Mother) [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick in your ass. (Featured in season 4, episode 20 : \"Mosbius Designs\", on the glorious HIMYM)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school. He didn't make the cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The two quotes that shows a person's true colors: \"It's just a game.\"\"Sir/Ma'am we ask u to wear ur mask.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an empty school hall for sale. Assembly required."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated. After that, he was alright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Mexican Owl? Hoolio"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There once was a kitten that had 16 lives... And then it got run over by a 4x4."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me if I was together with my mother on her deathbed? I answered: Of course, who did you think held the pillow?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "farmer: how many cows got out? **me:** seventeen**farmer:** round 'em up**me:** ok twenty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to \"break a leg\"? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Labrador who does Magic? Labrakadabrador"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you steal a coat? You jacket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It seems that today you either have to dress like a masculine motor king or a feminine flower queen; I wish there was a middle ground. A daisy duke if you will."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Mountain Dew that gives you a heart attack? Mountain Dew Code Blue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Willis has admitted to making an \"error of judgement\" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said... \"I see dead people.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Canadian curling team’s favorite board game? Sorry Sliders"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties? Because they are formyl group."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard. My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pig say to the spanish butcher? Porque"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do? \"Because fuck u that's why.\" -- George Washington, Revolutionary War"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic? It takes you back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a \"b\" comes after it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a dad joke cost $1000? When it's a granddad joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What music do mummies like? Wrap music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It's my new years resolution."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All Trump has to say to beat Hillary in the debates \"I know Hillary can be bought. I have the receipts.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy turns up to a fancy dress party with nothing on but carrying a woman on his back, When the host opens the door he asks “this is supposed to be a fancy dress party, what have you come as!?”The guy replies “I’m a tortoise, this is Michelle”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Cinderella say while reading Biology? I hate Mitosis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I'm sad I cut myself A slice of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Mongolian dairy factory? A yogyurt"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Invest on perfume businesses It just makes scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you bring beer to perfect serving temperature by angrily yelling at it? I - SCOLD - BEER !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation? I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally Wheel of Fortune is modernizing to reach more millennials with new rules. Instead of buying a vowel they have to rent it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow. Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hippies make good accountants? Because they're from a counter-culture"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the dairy farmer’s favorite Disney movie? Moo-ana"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is chicken used as currency called? Legal tender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self deprecation is definitely the lowest form of humour. that's why I use it all the time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sea cow in Seattle? A sea-cattle.I'm so sorry for the cringe..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation.\" \"Pardon?\"\"Nothing.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from my trip to Iran It was a blast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather have a heart of a lion, eye of an eagle, and.... A lifetime ban from the zoo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose? Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One wind engine asks an other: What music do you like? The other one answers: I'm a big metal fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum. “I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a therapist who moonlights as a prostitute? A cathartic thot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said ‘you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff’. So I got her a bag of peas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy. So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville Weed and Quack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do native Americans hate the month April? Because April showers bring may flowers.. and mayflowers bring the white people"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“You’d better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.” \"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?\"\"Ask a glass of water!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad? When it’s a snowman’s nose!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can you all please stop hating on Pepsi, Coke, and Orange Crush? Seriously, it's soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dog sit in the shade? It didn't want to be a hotdog.*ba dum tsss*ba dum tishidk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The man who invented Tetris died. They buried him and the whole cemetery disappeared."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from the sandpaper factory They said I was too abrasive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn? Pink Flamenco"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw an oil stain that was 1000 years old It was ancient grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's red, black, white and can't go through doors? A nun with a spear through her head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the shark eating pineapples? Because it makes seamen taste better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced \"That's shit, that is.\"\"I know.\" Replied Rolf. \"But if you'd let me have paints...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away Sounds far fetched"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was walking along a solitary forest path when he came across a fork in the road. He stopped and pondered for a second....and then he picked the fork up, dusted it off and used it to eat his lunch.Can't let a perfectly good utensil go to waste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a priest and a wire coat hanger? According to the church only one of them harms children."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait, but a fisherman waits, then lies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the fisherman make it as a rapper? His lines were okay, but his hooks were debaitable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called \"Radiator Springs.\" That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does \"Rockin' Robin\" do when she's bored? Tweet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it's not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? \"Let's table this.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID... but I don't wanna spread it around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging. I feel really bad eating good old Chuck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the burger cook who took a dump on the grill? He totally flipped his shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Upside to masks The only upside to wearing a mask during COVID, other than not getting sick and dying alone drowning in one's own fluids, is that this last holiday season I watched all the \"Charlie Brown\" specials and understood everything the teacher said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia? Because he was Snowd en!(according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ya know I hear Iran has no Walmarts Only Targets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom. A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers and mosquitoes have in common? They're both blood sucking parasites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory? The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present... I didn't get you one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a farmer, when i first met my wife, she was not impressed when i didn't partake in planting the seeds of next years crop. I told her: \"That's not my responsibility on this farm.I'm a grower, not a sower.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the average internal body temperature of a Tauntaun Luke Warm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what really takes guts? Digestion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People with mosquito-borne encephalitis be like Yeah, this is big brain time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do relationships between string instruments never work out? They always result in domestic violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Math teacher: \"What do you call an angle of 90 degrees?\" Me: \"Fahrenheit or Celsius?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats. Every patient that's made it there has flu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is DJ Khaled's favorite number? Eleven. Because it's a 1. And another 1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You break me, you get bad luck.. Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!Mirror: Are you kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do alcoholics run in your family? No, they usually drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son is doing a social experiment for school. He plans on wearing an \"I love Liberals\" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others.   So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened.   Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture? Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an example of a Facebook paradox? Discovering one of their user's is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do panda bears keep buying bamboo? They just like the stock!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "FYI: The .gif file format is pronounced \"jiff\" I know because I joogled it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on holiday in Germany with the wife ...and we went to a cafe. After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a classical writer with Parkinson's and a drinking problem? Shakesbeer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a new mitten manufacturing company formed by a U.S. senator? Bernie's Handers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park. Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A common chefs error Is to think they must always add salt to a sauce before boiling it down. This is the fallacy of reductive seasoning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no wheel chair characters in battle royal games? Because it's last person standing wins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my nephew that I was named after George Washington. He said, \"but Uncle, your name is Jon.\" I said,\"I know I was named AFTER George Washington.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me crazy chicks are amazing in bed. At least I know I'm sane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Jersey cows are in a field under a tree. The 1st cow says to the 2nd “Hey George have you heard about mad cow disease? They say it makes us cows go crazy and then they fall over dead!\" George replies \"Well it's a damn good thing I‘m a helicopter!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr Peg, my Digital Photography teacher, just passed away. Rest in peace Jay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach. So, the next day at the beach,  I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me! The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 26 letters chipping in to make a big gamble? An alpha bet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak. If only they could see me now..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They're coming out with a Dragon Ball Z for old people. It's called Draggin' Balls Z"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one lab rat say to the other? *\"I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.\"*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A famous serial killer made a music video of all of his killings but the drum track was lost and unable to be duplicated. I can’t believe he killed all of those people without any re-percussion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time? Djinnflation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Birthday gift mother in law My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights. Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the pet shop to buy a gold fish the other day... Guy asks if I want a aquarium Like I care about its star sign!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How the Portuguese language was invented?? A drunk Russian tried to speak Spanish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? \"Put it on my bill!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period? Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come it means you are fucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is... What do you have if you have more than one violin?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a bottle of vodka? Turn it Smirnoff and on again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What CD is in Thanos' Walkman? Disintegration by The Cure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying. What are your online shopping habits?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears. That’s almost as wide as your mother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pulled a muscle digging for gold. It was just a miner injury."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend asked why I never used condoms I said, \"My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys are walking down the street when a thug lunges from an alley and points a gun at them... \"Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!\" the thug says.Bill says, \"Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to be alarming but, BEEP BEEP BEEP"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had heart palpitations, sweating and aches on the day of my first Covid-19 Vaccine But once I got in and actually had the jab I was fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak? Flaming yawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor thinks he’s invented a new procedure to remove a woman’s uterus Other doctors point out this is already a well known operationThe doctor replies “oh well it’s historic-to-me”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was younger, I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex... So I'd watch them while hiding in their bedroom closet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Thanos' favourite card game? Snap"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it. So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.  She asks \"Hardback?\"  \"Yes,\" he replies, \"with a little head and beady eyes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are prison inmates dressed in orange? They should be dressed in violet Because they're violetors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park? - For busting a nut in public view"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bar of gold walks into a pub The bartender says \"Au get out of here\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Power Plant that was bad for the environment all year? He got coal for Christmas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young bear cub was roaming the jungle . An animal he had never seen before comes strolling out of the trees. He asks \" excuse me what kind of animal are you?\" The animal replys\" well,  I am a tiger\" The bear acts suprised and says \" are you sure?       You don't look like a tiger.\" The tiger says \" Do you think I'm a lyin?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Internet Discussion user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE! user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock. user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is a forensic crime scene investigator, but she refuses to get pregnant. No one puts baby in a coroner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Periods aren't bad Its just women's ovary acting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth? It’s just named after that stuff on the ground. (Norm MacDonald)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day. (Usually either Nestle or Captain)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon. It’s considered a sin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell step-dad jokes... Exactly like Dad jokes, just not as good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A suicide bomber in a pet shop A suicide bomber enters a pet shop and announces... \"everybody has only one minute to get out of here...\"Tortoise: Fuck :-/"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Friend - What is you new year’s resolution? Me - 420 x 69"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd been having some stomach issues, so I went to the GI He said I should keep a bathroom journal, but I prefer to call it a log book."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says \"What are you supposed to be?\"The guy replies \"I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why? My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Coronavirus came from Wuhan but it isn't the only disease to come from China There's also the Wu Ping cough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pirate not like the old video game with a liberal-leaning political message? It was hard to port"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s all the fuss about Twitch streaming? Like, comment, subscribe and I’ll tell you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the person say when a flood struck his house? Damn it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time. \"This ain't a scene,\" he said, \"it's a goddamn arms race.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife always talks like an empty tip jar Such non cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients, They could really get away with calling them psycho paths."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John brings his car into a mechanic for an inspection Mechanic: Everything seems to be working OK, except your car horn is broken.John: No, it's not broken, it's just indifferent.Mechanic: What do you mean, indifferent?John: Well, it just doesn't give a hoot…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can we beat an AI invasion we wear stoplights"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. \"You know, one would have been enough.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do polar bears eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the guy who invented the zero... Thanks for nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "February 1st, 1234 AD must’ve been the birth of the worlds best drummer One / two / one two three four!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a coin shortage in America They are officially out of Common Cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you hit a poodle with a bulldozer? A puddle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the snowman so happy? Because the snow blower was coming"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct  == Dec "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War. These quadricopters are going to be named \"Strikekirts\", which reads the same forwards and backwards.Why?It's because they are Palindrones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I applied to be a vegetable farmer.. They said they won’t pay me hourly they’ll pay me celery!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Anakin Skywalker's favorite baseball team? The Padres!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what would really lift my spirits these days? If I integrated a gym into my liquor store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People call me Ruthless... ever since my grandma died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh No pun in ten did"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear? If you climb a tree to escape, a black bear can climb up the tree and you eat you.The grizzly bear will knock the tree down and eat you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I want a divorce\" I told the judge. \"All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar. \"What is she doing that for?\" Asked the judge.\"Fu***ng looking for me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, why is destruction a form of creation? Dad: Well son, you see, I destroyed your mom's pussy to create your ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do men do standing up and women do sitting down and dogs do by lifting one leg? Shake hands, of course!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW (Actual interaction between my wife and I) Wife: \"Doesn't ejaculating alot increase your testosterone and lower your voice?\" Me: \"Babe, if ejaculating lowered your voice, I'd have been Barry White by the time we met.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three is a crowd Wife: Love, we’re going to be three people living in this house.   Husband: Really? Am I going to be a daddy, love?   Wife: Oh, no, love. My mom’s going to come and live with us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it called “The Mall” Because instead of going to one store, you’re going to “Them all”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m hosting a charity event for men unable to ejaculate. If you can’t come let me know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is walking along the road when he sees his mother in law being attacked by five men. His wife asks, \"Aren't you going to help?\". The man says no five should be enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ant name its middle segment \"Stormbreaker\"? Because that was its Thor axe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night i opened my window and let all mosquitoes in. Then i slept outside. This is called confusing the enemy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cutting carbs You know, experts say that it’s healthy to cut carbs and they’re probably right. I just don’t know whether I should cut them with a knife or a fork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day... Teach him how to grow tea...And he'll colonize your country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I awoke from my operation A nurse was leaning over me and said \"you may not feel anything from the waist down.\" So I fondled her tits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m working with my father in law He’s getting pretty good at it, I can just tell he’s gonna be a lawyer in no time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wise words from my grandmother. Not all strippers are prostitutes, and not all Romanian girls are strippers. Some are also prostitutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Friend: Going back to colonizing lands would be amazing Me: Yeah exactly! The best part about it is there is no consent"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck... It’s a furry, cuz ducks shouldn’t be talking"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a fake fish? a de\"koi\">!(if you don't get it, say it out loud)!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you. The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fisherman caught the golden shark *Please let me go and I`ll have you one wish come true*, said the shark.*I want my dick to be so long that it reaches the ground*, answered the fisherman.*Ok*, said the shark and bit his legs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've decided to pour a new foundation for my porch. I want to make concrete changes to my life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wise man advised a pediatrician and a physician not to follow his advice. This became a paradox for a pair of docs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Friendly Letters When I saw the letter h-i while reading the alphabet, I thought I finally had made a friend........ but the I saw the next two letters..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m crocheting some mittens for my daughter and the needlework is driving me mad. Oh well, it’s a labour of glove."}
{"character": "random", "line": "New Years resolution to recycle water I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer.  I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the monkey do when he saw the rabbit? Painted his balls orange to look like a carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: -\tJane ate her friend’s sandwich.-\t-\t-\tJane ate her friend’s colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man sent love letters to his crush for years, and even one day wrote, that he was going to be visiting her house, when he showed up, she asked “who are you” The man should have considered that he was a doctor and all she knew was his handwriting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A clown and a little kid were walking hand in hand down a dark deserted forest path and the little kid says \"Gosh, it's spooky in here!\" And the clown says \"What are you scared about? I gotta walk back all alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man attacks a woman wearing a fur coat.. ..and shouts at her angrily - \"Do you have any idea how many minks had to die for you to wear that fur??\"\"It is not mink, it's polyester!\"\"Doesn't matter!! Do you know how many polyesters had to die!?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "New Zelda game, starring just the princess, that ties all the story lines together... \"The Missing Link\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, \"First offender?\"The woman replies, \"No judge, first a Gibson, then a Fender!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways It's going to be called auto-ban"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, \"I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!\" The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, \"I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching Star Wars with my daughter and when she asked me why Luke climbed inside the Tauntaun, I replied that it was to keep warm. With a puzzled frown, she questioned how warm was it inside... Knowingly, I told her, \"Lukewarm.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job-all I do is crush cans all day. It's soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't tuna fish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monica: \"Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.\" Chandler: \"How do you find clothes that fit?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A soldier was rushed to the hospital with a horrific bayonet wound. Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have now survived 21,364 days and 13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. Thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say... ...\"This is the whey\"(Sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Senior Computer Security? Senior Computer Security?My memory is going Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night. Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who cosplays as Jesus? A cross-dresser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three people walk into a bar. The first has type B blood. The Second type A blood. The third type P blood. The person with type P blood says to the bartender, \"I think I'm a type O\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I first got a haircut, I thought it was way too short, But it's really growing on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the original Star Wars Peter Mayhew once had to redo a scene because he missed his cue. It was a Wookiee mistakeRIP Peter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer's wife said \"300 times, isn't that wonderful dear?  Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how.\"  Farmer said \"Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When can you add your bottle to Wikipedia? When you fill it from a reliable source."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Easter Sunday! Just saying that if he came back on a Monday we could have had a long weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of fish can perform a liver transplant? A sturgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations. But no one rubs your balls and says good job?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you had the choice between World Peace or all of Bill Gates money.... .....what colour Ferrari would you buy?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?\" \"It's Amy, Mario.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws. It's because they sale'd the seven Cs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the period of time between slipping on a banana and landing on your ass? A bananosecond."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crustHerpilations 4:20"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if a writer drinks too much and writes too little? His iron-y becomes rust-y"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stomach finds out all organs are organizing to plot against it. It turns to bladder and says: urine this?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the Alabama Governor's house burned down? ...It took out the whole trailer park"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the two helium atoms? He He"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself  It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is brown, hairy, lives in the desert, has four legs, two humps, and is full of cement? A camel - I put in the cement just to make it harder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake? He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It dawned on me in the shower that my ex gf must be related to hurricane Dorian. You've been waiting for them to come but they just keep gyrating until they exhaust themselves. The worst though is when you see the video of them ravaging and gushing all over their previous fling, leaving you feeling completely inadequate and devastated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad encouraged me to take a job on a highway construction crew... ...but I decided not to go down that road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got one of those digital assistant things for Christmas, but I think it's defective It refuses to open the pod bay doors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elements work out? The oxygym"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes? Because they love period sex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what did the ram say when his mom found drugs in his dresser drawer? I learned it from watching ewe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know if the mosquitos are really big? When their sucking feels good.​​A joke told my my grandfather about when he was stationed in the woods in the army."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one tile say when the other tile offered it a glass of port? No thanks, it's bad for my grout."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blue squirrel fall out of it's tree? It dyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the average temperature in China? 451° F"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What joke is the same in all european languages? USA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Great dynasties of history Egypt: AyyubidSouth Africa: ZuluChina: MingGreece: HelenaItaly: Medici U.S.: Duck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do dragon-type Pokemon solve their disputes? They let bagons be bagons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You have to love female accountants... They consider double entry the standard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what turtle tastes like? It tastes like plastic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home... Guess she’s homeless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time is it? I don't know... it keeps changing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you guys heard of the huge fire at the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was finishing reading a book when all of a sudden he had an urge to start masturbating. He finished at the end of the book You can say he *Came to a conclusion*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat? One mucks around in fountains."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was King Arthurs army too tired to fight? All of those sleepless knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered, \"They're right behind you\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character. You should have seen the Luke on her face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a few too many drinks in a restaurant the other night, went to the bathroom and wound up accidentally peeing in the sink instead of the urinal.. At least I think I did. It was hard to concentrate with all those angry women yelling at me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc. Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker. He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 men discussing why they joined the army.... \"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army.\" says the first man.The second one replies, \"I'm married and I like peace.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was visiting Ireland, I saw a man in a prison jumper running through the street with a police officer chasing him. The officer caught up to him and grabbed him by the wrist, but then the man’s hand fell off and he got away. I saw a real Irish leper con."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dollar say to the yen? You are so invaluable, it doesn’t even make cents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other. It seemed like there was some beef between them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a reason why China has so many fake items And the reason is because the Chinese have mistaken ‘Copyright’ for ‘Copy Is Right’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally.... So I was like na, more like pirate and booty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads \"Idaho\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never get school shooting jokes. Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked \" are you alright, sir ?\" Sean : \"it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation. Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex. Doctor- I am."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument does Darth Vader play? The rebel bass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you pull a push door by accident and someone says \"you have to push\" Thanks for that, because my next plan was to start lifting from the bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging... for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument does a pumpkin play? An a-gourd-ian. (I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table.. ..We were quite an incestuous family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the old prospector who accidentally swallowed a gold nugget? I saw him digging through is feces, so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was just mining his own business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the favorite school of magic for cow wizards? Moodoo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop “When is it due” he asks.“Two weeks” she replies.“I guess I’ll just walk then” he responds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled. As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. \"You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard? A lawn mewer.(I wrote this yesterday)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention... Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks in with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper... His matey asks, \"Aarrr, why is there a steering wheel coming out of your pants?\"The pirate respond, \"Aarrr, it's me wife, she drives me nuts.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 is a unique leap year... It has 29 days in February.300 days in March.And 5 years in April."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on a blind date. I saw this lovely girl and said to her are you Susan?She said are you Brian?.. I said yes I am: All exited..She said no my name is Sharon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once littered in a forest and the only ones that saw me were a group of otters in the nearby river. I'll never forget the look they gave me as that plastic bottle left my hands. It was a look of otter disdain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs... That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes? Because they love period sex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Will Smith's crying daughter? A weeping Willow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!  They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm dating a farmer girl I fucked her ass, I enjoyed it but the barn was pretty cold. I guess I'll try fucking her next time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a botanist's favorite musical instrument? A xylem phloem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows They are way over my head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dog sit in the shade? It didn’t want to be a hot dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a snowman eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lots of people are upset that R. Kelly posted bail, don't worry though It's better to be pissed off than pissed on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did grandma say to the old fountain? You aged well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today a flat earther friend of mine told me the earth was as as flat as my sense of humor. I told him his girlfriends ass would've been a better comparison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out people's molars? Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but... What if you aren't Catholic?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when Santa runs down someone with his sleigh? A Ho-Ho-Homicide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally “you will be toad”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France today De Brie was everywhere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says \"this is my body\", pours the wine and says \"this is my blood\"... ...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says \"Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins, my friend said. Well, I replied, they were separated at birth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the leader of the hot dog race say to the others? You better ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most comedians are good, trustworthy people. Yep, they're a bunch of stand-up guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never kiss anyone on January 1st because it's only the first date."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son was upset that I gave all his toys to the orphanage. I just didn't want him to get bored over there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a girl named Ruth When she left me, I became Ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes. She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend... We're the Suicide Squad!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland. Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How copper wire was invented. Dad: So, what did you need help with?Son: I need to know how copper wire was invented.Dad: It all started when 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.Son: ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I saw a glass billboard advertising air conditioners that looked brand new. Than a flock of pigeons landed on it. From there, it was a clear sign that shit was about to hit the fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the botanist do every time he was in a slump? He turned over a new leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp? I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A car thief gets brought before the judge Judge: Why did you steel the car?Thief: I had to get to work.Judge: And why didn't you take the bus instead?Thief: I've got no licence for driving a bus.(English is not my first language and I am on mobile)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a bad accident at the Air Force base. A jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed two kernels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic... ...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are white girls so odd? Because they literally can’t even"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Down at the farmers market and a man dress as a pirate was selling corn for 1$ It was a buccaneer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is how the first tire was invented. A guy had 365 used condoms.  So he melted them down, made a tire, and called it a goodyear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was hiking once with my girlfriend Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. ................One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfort... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle I donut care for them anymore though"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grandmother said to her grandson, \"The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young.\"He replied, \"That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist The librarian says, \"We don't have his book, but we have him.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts love health food Because it’s super natural"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Cart Titan walks into a bar The bartender asks “Why the long face?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIFU my IT job interview when I was asked to give an example of role-based security. Apparently, six ply toilet paper was not the correct answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Virtually every Harry Potter character can teach us a lesson. For example, Barty Crouch Jr. taught us that drinking can make you Moody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kale. I prefer mine with a silent \"K\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a oxygen addiction I tried to stop yesterday, but after a minute I started feeling blue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I can’t do pull-ups or push-ups Wife: But you can do a lot of fuck-ups"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did aunt jemima say when she ran out of pancakes? Oh how waffle!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Language barriers go brrr I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, \"Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!\" I said, \"Wow!\" Then her friend said, \"She means 666-3629.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I go to someone's home and they tell me to make myself at home... The first thing I do is kick them out because I don't like visitors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night? He was an on-call-ogist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the physicist angry at the postage stamp? Because no matter how hard he tried, it just wouldn't gluon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got all of Justin Biebers CDs...... ...and if I can get passed his home security again I'll have all his dvds as well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses. It was a blessing in disguise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun? .......Luke-Warm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but... What if you aren't Catholic?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called in an order of wonton soup, but I guess they misunderstood me. On an unrelated note, I'm opening a soup kitchen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,\"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?\" The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'.   'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. Go Bills!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was wearing a t-shirt that said Guess So I asked her ... Implants?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We learn from our mistakes – and never lack for study material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The mining industry wants to put out a radio advert to help with recruitment. They hire a jingle writer, and he asks them what key he should write it in. They said: \"B minor\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much do you charge? (NSFW) A man goes to a lawyer's office and asks him, how much do you charge?The lawyer responds: I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?Yes. What’s your third question?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked in on my grandmother masturbating with a cucumber the other day And I was like \"Damn, i was going to eat that but now it's going to taste like cucumber.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack? Because it's assault."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angel of love jumping a motorcycle through a ring of fire and a Karen? One is a cupid stunt and the others a...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a milking Stool only have 3 legs? Because the cow has the Utter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a triangle that got OWNED? A rectangle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't worry if your parachute won't open. You'll have the rest of your life to fix it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a tailor need to go on vacation? When they seem stressed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pregnant cows have so much energy? They're heavily calfinated"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, \"I'm getting a divorce,\" she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa has been reading all your posts. Most of you are getting dictionaries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Turns out the abominable snowman is actually quite nice. I asked if he had something hot to drink, He answered \"Yea Tea\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad just told me that slumber prices are at an all-time-high! Seems his dream house is gonna to have to wait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb? A. Because it wanted a \"light\" snack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy? beats me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two surgeons operating on each other? A paradox"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mate got \"Stella Artois\" tattooed onto his stomach. Now he's got a beer belly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs? Wedding cake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two surgeons are in an operating room... One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”The second surgeon replies “suture self”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he \"hunts tigers in Africa.\" When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies \"that's because I do my job\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage. It gets pretty kinky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man enters a crowded ER after having lost a toy up his anus. The doctors are swamped with more urgent cases but the triage nurse sends the man to an empty or and tells him that he’ll be performing his own operation. A doctor comes up to the nurse and says “how do you expect that man to know how to perform such a complex procedure?” The nurse says “Oh, I’m sure he’ll finger it out”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to the soldiers who are supposed to be deployed to Iraq? They sit and Kuwait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down? Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed. Do you know the what the real tragedy is? He didn't even finish colouring the second one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer? I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Argon walks into a bar The bartender looks up and says, \"I'm sorry, we don't serve noble gases here.\"Argon doesn't react because reacting has been copyrighted by The Fine Bros since 2016."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is Ruth Bader Ginsburg like hot water? She will be mist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crab that doesn't share? A 'Shell Fish'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sad news to share: my dad just contracted COVID, and lost his sense of taste. He's been listening to a lot of Justin Bieber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Trump always use a golf cart when golfing? Walking the course is far too taxing on him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.Credit. The Joke Cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad has a brother named Robert I guess Bob's my uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two atoms are talking and one says \"I think I lost an electron.\" The other atom says \"Are you sure?\" The first atom replys \"Yes, I'm positive!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the butterfly that ate too much marble? He shaterpillar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just burned my Hawaiian pizza Guess I should cooked it at aloha temperature"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do make a chickpea soup? You can’t. The closest you can hope for is for her to have diarrhea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy sees his mother in law riding a bicycle. \"Where are you going?\" he asks. \"To the cemetery\" she replies.\"And who is going to return the bike?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet? It would start Clogging up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I buy every comic book I see. . . My friends say I have lots of issues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be an Uncle like you... ...Until I took an arrow to the niece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Meeting with the eye surgeon is such a scam, I paid over $500 just for the consultation! And I still don't know who I'm seeing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation? Mumbai"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only thing Flat-Earthers fear is sphere itself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An attractive snow-woman notices a snowman gawking at her. She says, “Listen pal, my ice are up here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been in the BDSM scene for a while. Recently, I developed feelings for a girl that wanted me to control her. She was amazing... She was definitely a r/subifellfor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dad who has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know the similarity between my brain and my laptop hard disk? Both are actively deleting memory and I can't figure out why"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a snowman is gay? The carrot’s in the back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care! As a Canadian I am outraged!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been looking everywhere for my U2 CD... but I still haven't found what I'm looking for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of fact does a Historian and a Painter enjoy? An ARTY-Fact"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my karate instructor if I'd ever be able to do a dragon punch. He said, \"Suuuureyoucan!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend stopped talking to me after I lost 3 of my toes to frost bite. I didn’t know he was lack toes intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I had Libertarian salad. Lettuce alone!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my 10 year old son. How do you stop an attack from a snowman? Kick him in the snow balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather inspired me to be a writer He died choking on a peanut butter sandwich. I will never forget his last words: \"Happy pen... happy pen...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, What do you want? The man says, Oh, just some fruit punch. The bartender sighs and shakes his head, If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line. The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins, my friend said. Well, I replied, they were separated at birth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the chemist feel about oxygen and potassium hanging out? OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell? A slug"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln? They can't finish a play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who swore the most in star wars? R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will... &nbsp;  &nbsp;  ..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!” That’s M’Shell on my back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do workers in a tea factory never get? Coffee breaks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato that gets things done? A facilitater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A: Took my temperature today. B: Oh really? A: No, rectally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did prince Oxygen inherit the throne after the king died? Because he was the rightful heir"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are you made of gold, 2 titanium sulfur and carbon? Because you’re autistic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Looking back at all my mistakes next year will be easier.... Hindsight = 2020"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?\"He smiled & replied, \"It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the purpose of war? \"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography\" - Mark Twain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port. Whoops, wrong sub."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I passed by my son's bedroom, I heard him praying \"God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Hamburg the capital of Germany.\" \"Son,\" I said  \"Why do you want Hamburg to be the capital of Germany?\"He looked at me and replied \"Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It turns out that it really would be a good idea to add Trump's face to mount Rushmore because of geology. It turns out the entire mountain is made of Schist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ghost teacher say to the class? Look at the board and I’ll go through it again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis? Fucks funny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a library full of fake news? A lie-brary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages. The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.He said well take these drinks to table. 10."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've a joke on promotion at Jobs But you won't get it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most acidic soup? Ph0"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman gets pulled over by a policeman for suspected drunk driving. “Madam, you’re suspected for drunk driving. Please blow this for me for a breath alcohol test.”“What the hell? That’s your penis, not the breathalyser!”“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were drunk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period \"Take some more\", I told him. \"You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie. During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,\"Jesus died for your scenes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves? Intermitten"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar an drinks 10 straight double whiskys one after the other, suddenly he keels over rubbing his stomach head bowed, barman says to the man, 'what's the matter?' Man says 'I shouldn't of drank that whisky with what I've got', barman says 'why what have you got?' Man says 2quid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Leicester City, no one talks about the cold ... ... because of the>! silent \"ice\".!<  ps: Congrats r/lcfc for winning the FA Cup (:"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A customer walks into a bank... ...and tells the cashier: \"Good morning. I've come to pay the final installment on the loan used to buy a baby stroller\"Cashier: \"That's wonderful. And how is the baby doing?\"Customer: \"I'm doing alright, thank you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Freudian psychanalysts do you need to change a light bulb? Two: One to change the light bulb, and one to hold the penis.THE LADDER! I meant the ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hurricane Harvey is no joke. https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793To find out how to help, follow the link above."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court? Sediment always settles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a paranormal inestigator's favorite type of gun? A colt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a girl tells you to take her to the most expensive place, where should you take her? an American hospital"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes. ............Onlyfans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce. They just don’t communicate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What font does alphabet soup use? Times New Ramen.*Credit for this goes to Kim Komando. I heard it on the radio earlier today.*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just burned my Hawaiian pizza Guess I should cooked it at aloha temperature"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“You’d better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.” \"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?\"\"Ask a glass of water!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did God say to all the animals during the Greaf Flood? Don't worry. I Noah guy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wife calls her husband. \"The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink.\"\"Oh no. You think he's still angry at me from the last time?\"\"What happened last time?\"\"He said he's here to replace the toilet. So I pissed on him\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!! Even years after hearing this, it's still my favorite winter joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem? \"Let's try a different angle.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do the planets listen to? Nep-tunes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you catch an elephant? First, you’ll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Security Guard : \"I'm sorry ma'am but skinny dipping is prohibited in this beach \" Woman : \" You could have warned me before I removed the clothes\" Security guard :\" Well, there is no law about that\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up? Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:Edit2: More birds again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old Niece told me this: What do you call a tooth that has been mashed? Toothpaste"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Ross from Friends always in the fountain in the intro? Because he’s a Schwimmer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes. I guess that makes him a small medium at large..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic... ...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I googled \"how to start a wildfire\"... I got 48,500 matches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A person needs to write a letter, but when he picks up an instrument to write with, he realizes He can’t write with a guitar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?\" I asked. She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't Bolivia Peru-v it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien? E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I said to the woman in front of me on the bus... “Excuse me ma’am, but you have some semen on your sweater.”“Oh,” she replied, “it’s probably just yogurt.”“I kinda doubt that,” I said, “I’m pretty sure I don’t ejaculate yogurt.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What karate move are pigs known for? Pork chop"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, \"just 5 more centimeters... 5 more centimeters and I could've been the king\" From the door, his wife giggled. \" Just 5 less    centimeters  and you could've been the queen instead\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump? One is a cartoon character with a hot temper and the other is a duck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state has the largest amount of self made prostitutes? Idaho"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it that there are no subtitles for the last 15 minutes of \"Titanic\"? A good caption always goes down with the ship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jack, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar. They both have a great time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom. IPA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal? Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dataminer? Thats illegal They are too young to date"}
{"character": "random", "line": "First grade teacher: John, how did you manage to stop having spelling errors in your homework this week? John: My mom is out of town."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mum, dad and their son go to the zoo. When they get to the elephants, one walks over in their direction. The son asks the mother “what’s that hanging done”. The mother says “that’s his trunk”. “No behind that” says the son. “Oh that’s nothing” replies the mother. The son then asks the dad, who says “that’s the elephant’s penis, son”. “Then why did mummy say it’s nothing?” Asks the boy. “Son, I’ve really spoiled that woman”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics... But then I came to my census"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does China keep their political prisoners? Wontonamo Bay"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my 10 year old son. How do you stop an attack from a snowman? Kick him in the snow balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I often get asked what it's like to work as both a writer and a scammer... I just say that it has its own Prose and Cons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You should never let your children watch the symphony on television. Too much sax and violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're at the mall when a security guard comes up to you. He (falsely) suspects you of attempted shoplifting.You try to explain to him that you're not, but he thinks you're getting aggressive and trying to resist arrest. He pulls out his taser.What happens next may shock you..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A photon tries to go through airport security fast, but is stopped. \"Don't you have any luggage\" asks the security agent. The photon replies. \"No I'm travelling light\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I tried to relive the 80s and play some Super Mario Bros. When they say you can never go back, turns out it's true. Mario just stops at the edge of the screen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m crocheting some mittens for my daughter and the needlework is driving me mad. Oh well, it’s a labour of glove."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is it safe to eat salad yet? It romaines to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NEVER fight a cougar Just give her a fake name and sneak her out in the morning"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cops have released a statement on the discovery of \"Glory Hole\" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house. Police are looking into it. And are preparing a probing investigation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy goes to school with his kitten... ...the teacher asks the boy \"Why did you bring your kitten to school today?\" the boy replies, \"I heard daddy yelling last night I'm going to eat that pussy. So I brought him hear to protect him.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The chemistry teacher babbles on, \"Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium...\" One of the students stands up and says, \"BORON!!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone: I'm afraid of Grease- Summer Nights. Therapist: Tell me more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Corny puns Why can't the headless horseman ever win a race?A: Because he can never get a headWhat is Tiger Wood's favorite type of club?A: The wood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Almost got on a television show once.... So pissed they cancelled COPS"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an extremely tense argument with my wife, the house was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Things got a lot worse, when I saw the grenade flying towards me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what a krakens favorite meal is? Fish and ships"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell a bad joke from a good home by the number of awards it has... See above."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one lung say to the other? We be-lung together"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day... ...which is when he fucks his secretary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does everyone hang out with matches? Because they're lit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock? Apparently it was really time consuming"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed? Only women get stoned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work... She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that's comparing apples to oranges."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do vegan white nationalists chant at rallies? Sieg-Kale, Sieg-Kale!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad that I have an imaginary girlfriend. Dad: \"You could do much better.\"Me: \"Thanks dad\"Dad: \"I was talking to your girlfriend.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You scream in a Library and everyone looks at you funny. But you scream in an airplane and everyone joins in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that... ...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll. They’re the troll kin white guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do motivated tires say? We move."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins? They strung him up, but he didn't fret.*Cogwheel takes a bow*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you guys heard of the huge fire at the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was washing my hands in a public bathroom yesterday and someone stole my mood ring I don’t know how I feel about it..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are French snails faster than snails from other countries? L’ess cargo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert? What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?Boo-berry pie!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've quit my job at the helium factory. Nobody talks to me like that!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The price of savoring Want to know why cannibals have to be rich?Their dinners cost an arm and a leg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun! The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Smart\" Televisions. What do regular TVs and \"smart\" TVs have in common?You watch TV on them.What's the difference between a \"smart\" TV and a regular TV?A \"smart\" TV watches you too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] Why did the gardeners wife file for a divorce? Because he didn't want to de-flower her"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently... ...I couldn't tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake. I'm on a work trip and I just texted her \"having a wonderful time, wish you were her.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two plus sized woman walk into a bar At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: \"Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!\"Defiantly, one responds \"It's Wales!\" The man corrects himself, \"Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, \"That's very noble of you\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If your man comes home late at night smelling of strange perfume... You're probably getting perfume for Christmas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Santa's favourite letter of the alphabet? O, O, O!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "That clown movie topping the box office is the real reason why we've been having so many hurricanes Because when IT reigns, it pours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my new Simpsons shirt is a knock-off It says “don’t halve a cow, man”. They really butchered the catchphrase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work It's a counter strike"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I like to think back to when my dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill ...those were the Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth. When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, \"Not very well. It all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just this week I fucked a dozen chicks Next week, I'll try girls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening. It’s true.  Current events have made it less attractive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You ever notice that all Dillards are basically the same and only exist in malls? You know what they say though... ...when you've seen one Dillards, you've seen a mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war? You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the crocodile clone his plants? Because he's not a proper gator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know you can't breath when you smile? Just kidding.  Just wanted to make you guys smile :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pedophiles are like televisions Even a three year old can turn them on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match Grandpa: who's playing?Grandson: Czech and SlovakiaGrandpa: against who?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Turtle beat the Hare? It used a razor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Prostitution is illegal in most of the U.S. But if you film it and call it porn then it's alright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say \"Congrats!\"... When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say \"Congrats!\". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say \"Well done!\".Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: \"take me to your leader\". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship..... \"Where are you going?!  Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!\" calls a Senator.  \"You are right!\" responds the alien. \"See you on Thursday!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young everybody believed in me The doctor saw in me a potential physician The teacher saw in me a potential professor The chef saw in me a potential cook The priest saw in me a potential partner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an airplane full of Accountants? A Boring 747!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn’t get financing for my idea to open a pub on top of Mt. Everest Investors felt that I was setting the bar too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the telecommunications infrastructure company director say in response to requests to alter his company's 5G network blueprint from government officials in order to satisfy privacy concerns? It's my way or the Huawei"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2016 where Leiceister City defies the odds of 3000/1 to win the league title, Cubs win the world series, and Donald Trump is elected as the president of the United States"}
{"character": "random", "line": "*At the library* “Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”“Left corner, on the top shelf!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife always complains when I use her toothbrush If somebody can tell me of a better way of getting shit stains off the back of the toilet bowl I'm all ears.-Jimmy Carr"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the burglar so sensitive? He takes things personally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. \"We don't serve your kind here,\" the bartender says. \"Why not?\" one yogurt asks. \"We're cultured.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning my alarm went off early. I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A prisoner digs a hole out of jail.... .... and ends up in a toddler playground and yells \"I'm free! I'm free!\" and a kids walks up and says \"So big deal, I'm four!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss fired me. \"Why?\" I asked.He said, \"You always question authority.\"  I said, \"How?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Darth Vader's breathing sound so angry? He is just venting..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator? A Fermilabrador Retriever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down? A brunette with bad breath..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Drake owned a breakfast cereal franchise, what would it be called? OV O's!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and a homeschooler got into an argument about the education system. He went on a rant about how education in America is broken and asked me, \"who's running the education system?\"\"Your mom,\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who serves all you can eat rabbit stew? Warren Buffet!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the heat turns down,we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting. We call it our Con Den session."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally “you will be toad”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How the fight started For our 3rd Anniversary, GF wanted me to bring her to a restaurant where they prepare the food in front of you using the freshest ingredients based on your selection.   I brought her to the new Subway in town and that’s how the fight started."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine a group of scientists have forcibly tied you down and begun extracting thoughts directly from your brain for study. How should you react in this situation? Don’t stress too much. It’s just a thought experiment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need to file a complaint about a hostile work environment The elevator keeps telling me I’m going down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one lung say to the other? We be-lung together"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody just threw a bottle of perfume at me Eau fuck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play drums when I was little, and I stopped after a couple years. But during my teenage years I forced myself to relearn the instrument just so I can show the world that I’m not afraid of repercussion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save... ...She's definitely a keeper!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother always said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. She was a lovely and generous woman, but a terrible surgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father teaches biology and Spanish.. Him:  Ok, who can tell me what these are?Me:  (Raises hand) Soy Beans!Him:  Much gusto, Beans!  Me llamo Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tire was talking to a hubcap after a roadtrip The tire says \"man I've had a long day.\" The hubcap replies \"I feel you, are you exhausted?\"And the tire says \"no, that's the guy in the back, I'm just tired.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Food that makes you cry. My friend gave me grief for tears leaking from my face when I was chopping some strong onions. He called me a weakling, and said there was no food that made him cry.So I threw a coconut at his face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days? They have appeal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Kidz Bop cover Drake songs? Because Drake's girlfriends have to have a age appropriate way to listen to his songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad bought me a Sonicare toothbrush I guess he just wanted me to know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking? LinkedIn Park"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the English use to blow up their enemies ? Tea N Tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Venezuelans does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter, they have no electricity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf. When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing.  “What happened to my 12th juror?”  The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ruth just dumped me. Told me I was too uptight. Well, now I'm Ruthless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a knight who turned into an upvote-addict on Reddit? Sir Karmalot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that he replaced the Oxygen with Uranium in a water molecule. I was like, \"HUH?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I had an argument with a 90° angle. It turns out it was right"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How are old people in Socialist republics similar? They have a tendency to collapse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologsied to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know facists love 25 of the 26 letters? Not \"z\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Right before surgery the surgeon says: \"Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic.\" The patient replies: \"But, Doctor, my name is not Jim.\" The surgeon says: \"I know. I'm Jim.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them... Careless Swissper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Tiger Woods get for Christmas? Half of everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's common between long distance relationships and fat chicks? Both don't work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You may not be the dumbest person on Earth, but you better hope he doesn't die."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The World Health Organization has asked photographers to lower their exposure while out doing their jobs… I guess ISOlation is the name of the game."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish? Clickbait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old man said to his grandson playing on a tablet...You younger generation are too dependent on technology. His grandson said...Which one of us needs a pacemaker to live?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do to save a lamb that's having a heart attack! Give it Sheep P R(Say it out loud....)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kids that won't nap are guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street - then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident? A: Yeah, now he's a rect-angle!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the computer buy a new pair of jeans? It had spent all its cache."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team? Because they ate all their bats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday. I couldn't see any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new book about Helen Keller is absolutely incredible! The audio book is absolutely unintelligible though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist? Hall'n Oates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bank He's wearing a mask goes up to counter and makes a finger gun symbolThe clerk asks him still in shock 'i- i- is- this a stick up'The man looks at the ground and goes 'No!, I forgot my gun this is a fuck up'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie. But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have now survived 21,364 days and 13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. Thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Valentine night for Men. I have booked a dim lit table for two tonight for me and the Wife.I just hope the fuck she likes Snooker...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Gordon Ramsay not like WWE on Monday Nights? Because its RAW!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts....The technical term for it is post-nut clarity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life is like huffing butane... first you huff the butane, then you die"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a tile guy...... It was a lot of trowel and error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a vegetarian zombie say? Grains! Grains!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone We'll call it the LGbtq+"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl? A who man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week! Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you come across a man eating crocodile? Wipe it off, apologize, and leave him to finish his exotic meal in peace."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the bodybuilding dinosaur die? Asteroid overdose!.......................... (a steroid overdose)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Only Idea Flat-Earthers Fear Is Sphere, Itself.my favorite joke ive ever created... and the only one..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost for santa to park his sleigh? Nothing- It's on the house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy who throws motorcycles? Hurley Davidson"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of television is gay? An LG TV"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the grain of rice wet himself? A jokester made him 'pilaf'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How soft is Bill Gate's pillow? Microsoft."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers... Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time is it? I don't know... it keeps changing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My work made me go on a training course where I had to lift some Spanish guys over and over It was a Manuel handling course"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan... Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist  Tooth hurt-y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf. I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea? Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was dating an Optometrist, but finally needed to break up with her She was sexy and had a great personality, but after a while she was just too annoying in bed.She was always saying, \"So, do you like it better like this?... or like this?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs? A Halalligator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched... God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does it take for a cucumber to become a pickle? A jarring experience."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who was the famous writer, that died in WWII? I don't know Anne Frankly I don't care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window When he said “it’s going to rain” His wife asked “How do you know?”Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes... but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ... I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did dinosaurs prefer to use to pay for their purchases? Obviously tyrannosaurus cheques."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chemical Analysis of Women Item:           Chemical Analysis Subject:        Women Symbol:         Wo Discovered by:  Adam Atomic Weight:  Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb. Occurrence:  Surplus quanti... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh? Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "American Pharoah wins the Triple Crown, this is a historic moment... It's been 37 years since someone owned horse semen this valuable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, \"What's with the paper towel?\" The pirate says, \"Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell if a vampire is sick? See if he's coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My nieces asked me to kill a wasp for them... I told the that that's a feature of \"Uncle Premium\" and their attitudes only get them the basic subscription!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo? He hates ill eagles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger, and the Trix Rabbit were found dead recently The police concluded that this is the work of a Cereal Killer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table.. ..We were quite an incestuous family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head... Im alright, it wasn't a big dill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil. Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(X post) Weaponized Saber-tooth cats would be a real menace. They're armed to the teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a pound coin for everytime I had no clue what was going on i'd just be wondering why I have so much money"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently broke it off with a pair of conjoined twins. I said, \"It's not you, it's you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped. And I think it's going to be a long, long time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being deemed an \"essential worker\" Is like being condemned to summer school while the rest of the students are off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables The bartender says “look, I’m gonna serve you, but you better not try to start anything “"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't jokes be saved in a .csv file? Because they are comma delimited.    (Comedy limited)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between jelly and jam? I've never gotten stuck in a traffic jelly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear... Ahh Migraines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him \"occupation?\"\"Vell, only if you insist \" he replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Mommy, why is some of your hair white?” “Well, you see my child,” says the mom.“Every time you make me sad, one hair turns white.”“Oh really mommy,” exclaims the daughter.“So then what did you do to grandma?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments Coming soon, the Saxofender."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Catholic, a woman of color, a doctor, a Jew, and a rescue dog walk into the White House... This is where the joke already left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Alabama's population size? Family size."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my book '1000 Ways to Cure an Itch' It looks like I'll have to start from scratch"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW: My wife suggested bringing toys into the bedroom to spice things up. So I fisted her with hulk hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them You would have a little book of why you're broke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the hospital? Because it wasn't peeling well.credit to my 5 y/o niece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the \"telephone\" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, \"That's nice, but...\" \"Look at what kids your age make in China!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My pet baby shark said his first words, he said.. Da da, da da"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three men on a bike Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.         \"Don't you know it's illegal for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?\" \"Three?! Shit, where's James?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today... turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rotary phone asks his grandson how his first week at school was... \"Terrible! I don't think I'll ever be a smart phone!\"\"And why is that?\"\"They're really putting me through the ringer!\"It was a tough call to make, but the grandfather filled out an application and transferred him to another school over the hangup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor? He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China Online What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?Lo Ding"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion. As he was dying he kept insisting, \"Be positive!\", but it's difficult to be positive without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height… Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] How did the turtle finally lose his virginity? He came out of his shell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist. It turned out to be a great diss appointment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like jokes, I like air conditioners, but jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which mythical creature casts no reflection? All of them, technically."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to grease a Ferrari? Run over an Italian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two friends who pooled their money to buy a brand new saxophone? They recently entered into a same-sax relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments? It became an  a cappellago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods won't be able to play the Masters this year. Having difficulties with his driving. Too soon?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone knows the story of \"doubting Thomas\" and his reaction to the death and resurrection of Christ He was famously known for insisting on seeing the wounds for himself, and while most think it was because he didn't believe the stories he was hearing, I know it was because he wanted to confirm that Jesus was indeed a holey man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident. The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool ranch.(Written by my 9 yo daughter)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark? Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The doctor says, \"I have bad news, You have Cancer, and Alzheimer's Disease.\" The patient says, \"Well at least I don't have Cancer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The local Ice Cream man was found dead on the floor of his van, covered in nuts, sprinkles and sauce. The police think he topped himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If 2020 was a math word problem: **If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, \"That's arson.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a horse's number one priority when voting? The stable economy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer have no money left? Someone cleaned out its cache!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Italy shaped like a backslash and not the letter I? Because it is in \"italics\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl. All I remember is the punchline was a hoot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes... Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a goat that works at a bakery? A battering ram"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the guy say when he buried a body in the wrong cemetery plot? \"I've made a grave mistake.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you kill the ender dragon You ender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is like a loaf of bread... I eat the butt first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife thinks her latest copy of Indian Cooking Monthly is too narrowly focused I think it's a naan issue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I read my mom's ID card today She's so bad at sex, that she got an F in it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently I've been learning how to draw optical illusions so I can surprise my girlfriend with one on her birthday. Unfortunately she walked in and caught me practicing the other day.Her: \"What's that!\" Me: \"I can explain...it's not what it looks like!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So many weird stuff on the internet these days Makes me think if corona virus was just a 'you are what you eat' by a Batman fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every birthday, my uncle Guiseppe used to cook me a meal He'd say, \"That was the pasta, this is the present.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pushed a Chinese man down the stairs... It was Wong on many levels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the tornado that hit the trailer court in Little Rock? It destroyed the Governor's mansion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the colors green, pink, and yellow have in common? The phone rings green....green.....green! So you pink it up and say yellow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won! The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour. It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my French teach how to say “I am tired.” She just called me fat and gay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply? Pb & J."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would appreciate it if we stopped posting Holocaust Jokes. They're not funny, witty, or humorous. My Grandpa died in the Holocaust He fell off the Guard Tower"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Must be strange being Tiger Woods; Getting to hear, \"Morning, Woods!\" all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal? Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a terrible mistake this morning. I got out of bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide. Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, \"Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my advisor why he didn’t recommend me for dental school. He said I wouldn’t be able to handle the tooth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You better call early if you want a reservation at the library today. They’re usually fully-booked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What room do ghosts avoid? The living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A redneck couple gets pregnant, what will they have? Either a niece or a nephew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password: \"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento\" When asked why they had such a long password, they rolled their eyes and said: \"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Easter mass Easter was was very traditional this year the priests and bishops came, the altar boys didn’t say anything, and when the service was over the priests went to a different church."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a drunk, dyslexic CD Floppy diks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, \"When Harry Met Sally\" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight... You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top news stories for yesterday CNN: Trump phone callMSNBC: Trump phone callFox news:  Does walking a dog make you happier?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If cartoon characters become real, who would attract most women? Pinocchio"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the greengrocer say when he sold his last onion? \"Thats shallot!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget? The Secondhand store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship. We had a real row v. wade debate that day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did settlers eat when they headed west? Oregon Trail Mix. I hope this joke doesn't die of dysentery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was bitten by a Great White while vacationing in Florida. I think he used the term \"Superior Aryan,\" but either way, that was one coked-out skinhead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does China keep their political prisoners? Wontonamo Bay"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a red onion and a brown onion? About 50 cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the pentagon which lost an angle? It got squared up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm going to start a foundation dedicated to helping people with obsessive behaviour. And call it Obsessive Disorders Control."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays? A one that died on Thursday..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure what to do with the leftover pancake mix... Should I throw it away or do you have a batter idea?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do mummy and daddy ghosts take their babies during the day? Day scare."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, \"I don't know. It all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said \"could you check my balance?\"-so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity... And then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really hate my past self, rumor has it he used to fuck my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL That the Japanese Actually Have a Word for Cartoon Chicken Sex... It's called Hen-tai."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I want to read fiction, I go to the library. When I want to read nonfiction,  I go to the truthbrary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? College"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl who never masturbates? You call her a liar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the paramedics know Paul Walker had clean hair? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said I was a mistake I hope thats a joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which body part hurts most when you get hit by a right-angled triangle? Your sinuses."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Grandpa and his Grandson go for ice cream. The grandpa takes him to a special ice cream store and says:\"Here, this is a pussy flavored ice cream cone.\"The grandson takes a couple licks.\"Grandpa, this tastes like shit.\"\"Son, you're taking too big a licks.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction? No whey, Hose A."}
{"character": "random", "line": "on the beach W.C. Fields was walking on the beach one day when a beautiful girl passed by. Fields tipped his hat and  said, \"Hello my dear, how's your ass?\"The girl looked at him in disgust and said, \"Shut up!\"He said, \"Hmmm... mine too. Must be the salt water.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once complimented a curvy woman who doesn't believe Earth is round. She replied that it was very flattering."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Strippers don't use air conditioners... Only fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The earth's not flat, it's a mobius strip and no one can disagree Because after all, we're all on the same side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad joke Is something that only groan men are allowed to tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an exhibitionist suicide bomber? A flash bang"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Ohio and Michigan Institute of Lions and Tigers and Bears. OH,MI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle. But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey did you hear about those corduroy pillow cases? They're making *headlines* everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Dragonborn climb the 7000 steps? He wanted to see what all the Fus was about.(Credit to a youtube comment i saw)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London ... he works around the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor. I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "bank account: $1,400 has been deposited into your bank account **me, at Baskin Robbins:** give me Carol Baskin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon... Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).Both were denied. This is actually true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a package delivered And it was covered in drool and crayon.That's the last time I pay for a special delivery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The United Kingdom is breaking up! Soon it will be the Untied Kingdom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A duck walked into a Harry Potter toy store, and he said to the man, running the store: “hey... got any Snapes?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My instructor asked me, \"Can you read that car's license plate from here?\" I answered, \"YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "China and reddit's societies are similar Opinions aren't allowed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the laziest person at the factory keep a cucumber in their pocket? They wanted everyone to think they were working hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”... “Oh, that it’ll be the side effects”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground? He didn't pay a tension."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the new comic say to the mic? Thanks for the feedback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Labrador who does Magic? Labrakadabrador"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the ghost go to for his vacation? He went to Maliboo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a masturbation addiction But I'm beating it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I like to stand on one leg sometime, like a flamingo, to help with building my balance... My girlfriend always rolls her eyes at me and the other day she snapped and yelled at me to stop. I said, “This is my house, don’t make me put my foot down..”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher. I walked into his shop and said to him, \"Who told you you could sleep with my wife?\" He said, \"Everybody.\"Rodney Dangerfield"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the mint jelly so nervous? Because it was always on the lamb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie.... Halfway through he asked, \"Is that lady going to die?\" \"Probably,\" I replied, \"judging by the size of that horse's cock.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the connection between a family of Force users? The Force Kin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar That was in 2006, detectives are still unable to find Brian Shaffer and his disappearance is still a mystery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The inventor of sliced bread Is likely the one that cut the cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers? A: Because they make no cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that's been working out? Dude's shredded"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the termite say after walking into the bar? Is the bar tender here?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? \"Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it's not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. \"I'd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,\" he says. \"Sorry, but I can't serve you,\" the bartender replies. \"You're out of your head.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.They told me they were still dealing with my order."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All conspiracy theories were proved wrong. Trump will manage to stay in power by... ... dragging the vote count until 2024!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia? A hamster"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We have ghosts in house \\- \"I went last night to the bathroom and light turns on by itself. I finish peeing and go out only for the light to turn off by itself too.\"\\- \"Idiot! You pissed in the fridge again.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pirates get some crazy deals in the mall. For example, they can get piercings for just a buccaneer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Exclamations can really change a sentence. For example:I like eating pizza.I like eating exclamations."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Epic Cow? Legend Dairy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I got 1$ for every geography test I failed I could finally understand that I live in Europe, where these are worthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an owl’s favorite board game? Guess Who?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the police catch the murder of the geometry teacher? They investigated it from all angles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the one about the electrician making a mistake I hear it's shocking"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day, after much trial and error, I successfully became completely weightless... I was like, 0mg!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation. I'm running out of thyme!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said to me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.” I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man with dwarfism walked out of the wig store after haggling for a good deal. It was a small price toupee'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Santa say when he finds out about Mrs. Claus's Only fans? Hoe hoe hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Theoretical duck What did the duck say after it split the atom ?Quark ! Quark !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman name his dog frost? Because frost bites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my kids to the shooting range today. But they said I had to use the paper targets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark Otherwise you might tell someone \"your daughter is having their first question mark.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin... appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, “I’ve got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.” Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, “Why blue?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally had an entire set of amiibos, except for one Zelda character. It was my missing link"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was shocked today when I heard my neighbor.. .. telling his son the difference between Email and Gmail.He said Email is when you use Electricity to send mail while Gmail is when you use Generator to send mail. I'm still struggling to catch my breath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does 100% humidity mean? Even dry farts feel like wet farts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z... My friend said, \"Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!\"I said \"Yeah, this isn't even my final form!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the newspaper editor that was fired? Apparently it was quite the sandal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service. I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just had an idea for lawyer porn... I call it \"getting off on technicalities.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find giant snails? On giant's fingersI'll see myself out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman? It takes too long to hollow out her head.(I got this one from my uncle)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Cosby and a surgeon have a lot in common For example, they both want the person that they are inside to be unconscious"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a scary library in my town... ...everytime I go there I get goosebumps."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can someone help me with my vegetable soup? I can’t seem to fit the wheelchair into the pot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you win an argument with your family this Thanksgiving? Click the 'End Meeting' button"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Biology teacher told me ants are female The males are called uncles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the octopus say when the fisherman cut off its tenticles? See ya later suckers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tigers got a much better driver"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why people think \"War and Peace\" is a tough read. It's only 3 words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony... He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies? A swallow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than Empire State Building? Ofcourse ! The Empire State Building can't jump"}
{"character": "random", "line": "No one wanted to join me on the difficult mountain trail. They all said it was a hard pass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are obtuse angles so depressed? (BPI) Because they're never ***right.***\\- brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to turn my frown upside down one day. Now my head is broken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are scented candles so expensive? Because they take a wick to make one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition. It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, How do you make a Motherboard? He said, I tell her about my job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can't say I'm suprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs? A Halalligator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mum so she can show Dad when he gets home.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds.... That would be adding in salt to injury."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forest Gump's favorite kind of pasta? Penne"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I admire people who analyze stool samples They really know their shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the first time in his professional career Tiger Woods failed to make the cut at the Arnold Palmer invitational People are saying he just rolled over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow  Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I was counting potatoes I was being quantipotative."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower. \"Gold Medal All Purpose\" apparently wasn't the answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation.\" \"Pardon?\"\"Nothing.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid asks his mother: \"how come im black and youre white?\" She replies: \"listen, the way i remember that party, youre lucky you dont bark.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself? A pair of pantyhose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just put my father's ashes in the bin. I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re American if you enter the bathroom and you’re American when you leave what are you inside the bathroom? Euro-peein’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why? My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dinosaur file transfer How does a dinosaur send files from one computer to another?First, he puts them in a .RAR"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating? Stem cell research."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a young thespian pig? Hamlet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison. The police alert said “There’s a small medium at large.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't like over confident people Edit: Thanks for the silver!Edit2: thanks for the gold!Edit3: thanks for the platinum!Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!Edit6: thanks for the ternium!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic? A Juand"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I'm terrified of random letters Therapist: You are?Me: *SCREAMS*Therapist: Oh I seeMe: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts He now makes me pay in advance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland. Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother in law just got Reddit I want to take this opportunity to let her know how much I truly love and appreciate all she does for me and my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a brick and a red velvet cake? Not much, if we’re going off my mother-in-law’s recipe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Miss Obama stepped on a snail. What did the snail say? MESHELL!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rap battle event between lizards? A reptile diss function."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says \"I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?\" Husband says \"put new batteries in your hearing aid.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to... Bahrain deer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language. I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between the truth and a conspiracy theory? About 6-12 months."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that’s just my two scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist... We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is that a bird, is that a plain It’s a joke going over people’s heads"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So two atoms walk out of a bar after last call and the manager locks the door behind them. One atom turns to the other and says, \"Oh shit! I left my electron in there.\" And the second atom says, \"Oh no! Are you positive??\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Signing up for Marine biology this semester was disappointing. I never learned what’s going on in Le Pen’s head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the turkey's favorite letter of the alphabet? Gobble-You!Note: my six year old made up this joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay! Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Introvert and the bank So an introvert goes into a bank and decides they need some money. Hesitantly, they walk to the counter. After the teller greets them they immediately respond with, \"Hi, can you leave me a loan?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a boy, my dad told me the great thing about America is that anyone could be elected a governor, senator, or even the President! I'm starting to believe him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an Australian ghost eat for dessert? Boo meringue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles. I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there so many public mass shootings in America? Because the schools are closed for summer vacation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend is a therapist. Last night we were going to play video games and he said he was having trouble getting one of the game controllers to communicate with the receiving node. I told him they should use \"I\" statements."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and faceplants into a stool. Now he's completely shitfaced."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Ironman without the suit? Stark naked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, How long have you suffered from that condition? The guy tells him, Since next Monday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the Samsung phone's camera blurry? It had lost its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep… \\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…\\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal. \\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are sitting in a tank, one turns to the other and says... \"You man the turret, I'll drive\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many \"D\" 's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain. Due to all the indoor fins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me. Its felt like a sine from God"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club? Tell everybody"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My six year old niece made up this joke. I think she may be a comedic prodigy. Why did the sweater go to boot camp?To warm up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is a magician. He can turn a Bud Light into domestic violence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out that Bilbo Baggins died from a Viagra overdose. And that just goes to show you... ... old hobbits die hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a horse and a pig? The horse is the one that doesn't look like a pig."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying dinosaur that uses its hands to see? A tactiledactyl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries? It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My balls are just like scented stickers All i do is scratch and sniff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two possibilities for words that mean \"final part\" or \"smaller amount\". The possibilities are: end, less."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gotta love the graphic designer for the PA license plate ...cuz the colors I associate the state with are blue, white, and yellow like the gorgeous beaches it has."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the cow get a pedicure? Because he lactose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one french surgeon say to the other one evening? “Bonesaw!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Invisible Cow How can you make a cow invisible?Camooflage"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd been having some stomach issues, so I went to the GI He said I should keep a bathroom journal, but I prefer to call it a log book."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300. I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Rapunzel keep cool in the summer? She uses her hAIR conditioner!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Germany announces a new health ministry to aid in combatting COV19 From today, all research dedicated to battling COV19 will be carried out under the Robert Cough foundation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan are out at a Chinese restaurant and Luke is really battling trying to use the chopsticks to feed his face. ​ After a while Obi Wan turns to him and says \"use the forks luke\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's my favourite xmas song? The one about the 25 letter alphabet. Nooo L, nooo L, nooooo L, no L"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them You would have a little book of why you're broke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a fight broke out in the orchestra hall today. Apparently someone struck a wrong cord and it led to a lot of violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most responsible makeup you can apply during the pandemic? Mask-era."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of trophy do you get when you’ve seen a traumatic amount of cat asses in your life? A catastrophe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Blow Job A son runs up to his father and says dad I got my first blow job. The dad says that's great how was it? The son said it tasted terrible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day... When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a BDSM-loving vegetable? Butternut squash"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just accused me of having zero sense of empathy. I have no idea how she can feel that way."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two eggs in a frying pan One says to the other; “wow! It’s warm in here!”The other replies “Argh!!! A talking egg!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example: \"Fishing stick\" instead of \"Fishing rod\"\"Tropical tree\" instead of \"Palm tree\"\"Ant-licker\" instead of \"Uncle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man goes to the cardiologist \"So, how many beers do you have per day?\" the cardiologist asked.\"Four,\" the man responded.\"But last time I said you could only have two!\"\"Yes, but my physician also said I could have two.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There wasn’t any parking at the Sex Addict Support Group So everybody came on the bus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day... It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under? Fan fiction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only weakness Superman has on the internet is.. krypto-currency"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave a phone and 100 dollars to a homeless guy today. You will never know the happiness I've felt when he put his gun away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the explosion at the workshop where they make perfume? It blew up the olfactory"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who loves crocodiles? A crocophile.Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes He tells the genie \"I am a simple man.  All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a beehive to start my beekeeping company I thought it was a good bees nest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's been a strange sort of day. First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that my sister is dating the teacher. I could hear them making out in the closet yesterday Homeschooling is weird"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club? Because he was flossin’...Buh dum tisssss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the onion get flustered? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-boo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to make a brief joke, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a writer's favorite train station? Penn Station."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They're a fungi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that's been working out? Dude's shredded"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Dragonborn climb the 7000 steps? He wanted to see what all the Fus was about.(Credit to a youtube comment i saw)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hutterite Jokes How did the Hutterite man find his daughter in the woods?Quite satisfyingWhat do you call the sweat between two hutterites having sex?relative humidity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying \"I TOLD YOU SO!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter & jelly Never mind I'm afraid you'll spread it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up? Oh My Gourd!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "WARNING: Tiger King Spoilers Will make your car look stupid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles? Sandy Eggo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality. It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.” Cop: That’s not how you play the race card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a guy who was in a motorcycle accident and lost the whole left side of his body He’s alright now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are restaurants great places for networking? Because they have a lot of servers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there’s gonna be a new compilation CD celebrating Bill Withers’ career It’s going to be titled No Longer Withers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are like kangaroos They die when they get shot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two eggs in a frying pan One says to the other; “wow! It’s warm in here!”The other replies “Argh!!! A talking egg!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent. So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars? Na-BOO!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia? An \"Aussie-Moron\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? They have no hands to knock on the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, \"What's black and white and red all over?\" \"Wow\" I replied. \"You speak English?\"She replied, \"Just a riddle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self analysis If you don't know what that is then you need to take a hard, long look at yourself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice... The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If 666 is the evil number Then 25.8069 is the root of all evil"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help. \"It's supposed to be a tiger!\" she cries.\"Honey,\" says her husband wearily, \"Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the famous severed horse head scene in The Godfather they originally were going to use a Swordfish. It didn't really fit in with the marlin brand-though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You'd think that without their shells snails would be a lot faster. But it only makes them more sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend and I went to a chiropractor exam and we had to unscramble the letters PEINS He wrote SPINE, he's a chiropractor now and I spend all my time on reddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my mother in law \"When war comes, I'll just be eating human flesh as well\". \"You shitting me?!\" She asked. \"Maybe.\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a one-eyed cougar? A Mountain L on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison? Yeah, Gilbert got freed.(I apologize to Gilbert.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Prison Why is The White Guy Scarier Than The Black Guy? Because the White Guy did it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did. All of mine sucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In USA being -on the lamb- means: :Running away from the Police, because they committed a crime.  In Wales it means...well, something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password. It is not stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two plus sized woman walk into a bar At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: \"Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!\"Defiantly, one responds \"It's Wales!\" The man corrects himself, \"Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girls in Bangkok are like a box of choclates... You never know which one has nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have enough money to set me for life... If I die next Thursday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse. “Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said: Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a third degree burn the other day Needless to say it was getting on my nerves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading. I told her:''Tips to cook delicious food.”And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:\"I have reached where they are cutting onions.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "what fruit is in the bathroom? a poop apple"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cannibals on a budget eat? Raw Men noodles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "'How To Cope With Disappointment' ;-) Saw a sign outside of an office building which said\"Today's workshop 'How To Cope With Disappointment' has been cancelled\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a train wagon full of babies and a train wagon full of sand? You can't unload sand using pitchforks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees access the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it's too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? \"Hey there bud!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag. I told him to just leave it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw a squirrel pooping. That shit was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two police officers walk into a crime scene. They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.One officer turns to the other and says: \"Looks like a joint suicide.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Arab Sheikh sends his son to France for his studies. A year later the son comes back but the Sheikh realises that something is bothering his son. After some questioning, the son tells his father that he goes to college in his Porsche but the other students come by train. It's not right. The Sheikh feels terrible, hugs his son and says, 'Don't worry son... I'll buy you a train today!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not really a fan of steampunk but I will say, it's one of the healthiest ways to prepare punk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Trump play golf after the election ? Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted. The judge told him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem? He was quoted as saying \"I won't stand for this\" on the way out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a stupid grain? A half wheat!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob was blind. His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday.When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset.. ..they will be paying per fume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where is Jesus if he keeps going East? Easter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is 10 + velvet? Velveteen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.” Cop: That’s not how you play the race card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband: Why are you applying makeup so late at night hon? Wife: I face-lock my phone while my makeup was on & now that fucking thing isn’t working."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are you a USB port? Because it takes me at least three tries to get it in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it’s always too soon.^(i feel bad)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of skin lotion do acrobats use? Cirque d'Olay"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing Cyberpunk 2077 when my mom took a pan and violently bashed my laptop to pieces. She *really* freaks out seeing so many bugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell meCredits: Anthony Jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name \"boobies pics\" I never understood why bird watching was wrong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Always have a sadistic person light your grill After all, they're literally pro-pain..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Santa say when he finds out about Mrs. Claus's Only fans? Hoe hoe hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV. He asked, \"What is that for?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together. I figured if you can't beat them, join them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "That clown movie topping the box office is the real reason why we've been having so many hurricanes Because when IT reigns, it pours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "no Idea why they arrested me... I just read the sign and complied...it said:NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't auto repair shops fix golf carts? Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would like to personally thank the creator of the word \"plethora.\" It means a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black, and white, and OBVIOUSLY belongs in NeverLand? Pan, duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house. It was fu***ng delicious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can't they hear the music?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Putin lands in a foreign country and approaches the immigration desk The border official reads through his passport and asks: \"Occupation?\"Putin: \"No, just visiting.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my grandfather In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous. In the end, I turned down the offer. *I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bullfrog If Kermit's astrological sign is Taurus, does that make him a Bullfrog?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty. “What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.      “Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants? My ice cream cone. =(*Inspired by actual events."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? Just ring up and say you can't cum!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a salad for dinner! It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.... I had a pizza."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do balloons hate? Pop music!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Knock Knock\" \"Who's there?\" \"John.\" \"John who?\" John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse. \"Knock Knock\"\"Who's there?\"\"John.\"\"John who?\"John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally found the courage to tell my suitcases there will be no holiday abroad this year. Now, I'm dealing emotional baggage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to \"break a leg\"? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me... I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mind Your Words... In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down.He said \"SHIT\"...It took 3 Days to clean the whole auditorium..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One for the software devs There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:1. Garbage collection2. Naming things3. Off-by-one errors"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does \"Rockin' Robin\" do when she's bored? Tweet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain On the left side there’s nothing right and on the right side there’s nothing left"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why Did The Queen Wear Black Gloves To Princess Diana's Funeral? The white ones were covered in brake fluid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Among Us so popular in China? Because its the only thing that lets them vote"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last weekend I got really drunk at a bar and lost my virginity with a cougar The zookeeper was pretty quick to get the cops on scene and arrest me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cat jokes #10 Why does a tiger tell the truth?Because he isn't a lion. #9 If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?None! They were copy cats! #8 Why did the cat run from the tree?Because it was... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanted: £20,000 Reward for Schroedinger's Cat... ...Dead and Alive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a Big Fan of Indy Films. Especially “Raiders of the Lost Ark”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Capt. Ahab’s son write on his father’s cast? “Get whale soon\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name?\" asked a policeman when he stopped me. \"Bartholomew.\" I said.\"And your last name?\" he continued.\"It's always been Bartholomew.\" I said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.That was just the tip of the iceburg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NsFw] What was Lorena Bobbitt's favorite form of mischief? Ding dong ditch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was Impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked \"why is that book so thick?\" Then i told him \"its a long story\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking sons’ disease I have ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there was a humvee crash at the Pentagon today. The driver ran into a popcorn cart. There were two colonels crushed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman has a car crash and afterwards is screaming \"Where's my baby?\" A policeman says to her, \"Your baby's over there\". \"And over there. And up there. And back there.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got angry at me because I was drunkenly shoveling the driveway when she got home. I don't get it. I told her I'd stop drinking this winter, with snow exceptions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the strict grammar teachers break up? He forgot to use a colon, she missed a period, they both hated contractions, and when they think of their future life, it's only a parent they see."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am the breadwinner of the family I make the most dough"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most popular chili in the Middle East? Halalpeño."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? A golden opportunity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Muslim eating a lettuce? Saladin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called to be stuck in a card game Solitairey confinement"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a chemistry student is too stupid to learn about Oxygen, does that make him an oxymoron?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to join a health club today and saw a sign on its door that said ‘Look better in 10 days or your money back.’ I then wrote out a check and handed it over to the girl at the front desk. The girl looked at me and said, “Keep it. We’re gonna mail it back to you anyways.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that ain't yours? \"Camembert\", typically. It can be very difficult to budget for the expensive varieties"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What product do Jewish boys use most of their money on? Lotion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mosquitos in Africa be like It's-a me! Malario!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police chief asked, \"Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?\" The officer responded, \"I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.\" The chief frowned and said... \"Please, just wear your police uniform.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering. \"What's the matter, Mr. President?\" The Vice President inquired.\"Nothing at all, boss. I just  finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!\" The President beamed.\"How long did it take you?\"\"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do men do standing up and women do sitting down and dogs do by lifting one leg? Shake hands, of course!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paddling joke. I don’t like to brag but I can control a kayak brilliantly. Canoe?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son lost his first milk tooth today.. I hope that would teach him never to touch my PlayStation again .."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My calendar has all the dates rubbed off. Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My first NSFW joke that I proudly wrote when I was 9 years old: What's the difference between tennis and badminton? A: One you play with your balls, one you play with your cock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mexican who lost his car? Carlos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently I met a pair of twins named Sharon and Karen They were wearing the same clothes, same makeup, and same personality. In fact, they were pretty much the same person. So I guess it is just as they say, Sharon is Karen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flat earther vampire A no-sphere-atu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON” The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture? In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to make a joke on the Para-Olympic's YouTube channel but the comments were disabled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist  Tooth hurt-y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Caught my roommate masturbating himself with a thin pancake. What a crepe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear:  \"watch out, he's trying to take your donut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once I won..... Once I won the game, I threw the ball into the crowd, but apparently that's frowned upon when playing bowling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chuck Norris mines crypto currency by hand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we \"be positive,\" but it's just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A genie asked, \"What's your first wish?\" Steve answered, \"I wish I was rich.\" And the genie said, \"What's your second wish, Rich.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police bring a phone to the station for questioning. They soon find out his shocking crime. He was charged in connection with battery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are Gorillas stupid? Of course, who else would complain about a 19$ drink but keep coming back to the same bar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to buy grain-free granola. I said, \"That's nuts!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor. Me : You've got to br kidding.Scientist : This is no laughing matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked an employee at the bank if they had any specials or promotions on loans and she said \"Yeah! Zero interest!\" To which I responded, \"Uhhhh, then can you maybe fuckin go find someone who's *interested* in helping me?\"People can be so rude."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I am thinking of climbing Mt Everest again. My alter ego: Really? How many times have you climbed Mt Everest so far?Me: Not once yet, but it is the seventh time I have had this thought."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents are divorced, and my dad took it kinda hard I once asked him for an xbox, and he handed me a container of my mom's stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So they say a Harriet Tubman's face is going on the $20 bill. Excellent, I can't wait to start using black people as currency again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Like a radiologist researching sausage digestion, I tend to see the Wurst in people"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry. Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out I think they're mass-grading as someone else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli(I'm sorry I'll leave now...)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert? What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?Boo-berry pie!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Birthday gift mother in law My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming, Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away Sounds far fetched"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend loves to talk about their new skin lotion. He just keeps rubbing it in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and comes in brownies? Cub Scouts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project. The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want."}
{"character": "random", "line": "HIGH TEMPERATURES After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.Turns out she felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins? A slice of blue cake!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call exotic dancers in a politically unstable region in the Middle East? Gaza Strippers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists have finally named the 119th element! The new official name is “Astonishium”. It seems they have discovered the element of surprise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene? Shit went down here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a John asks a prostitute what he can get for $50... He is asking a trick question."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, the sky is pink This water tastes funnyNice to meet you I live in flint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide. Printer: \"Why do you need pages that long?\"Man: \"Well, it's a long story.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa? Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You can drop a load in a washer and it doesn't follow you around for two weeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments. I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening. It’s true.  Current events have made it less attractive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally swallowed some food coloring... The doctor says I'm ok, but I feel like I'm dyeing inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new breast reduction clinic is called ... Tits for tats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\n\" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? \" My wife screamed. \" Could you explain to me,\" I yelled back, \" Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony? The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.Who is the most popular woman?The one who can eat the last doughnut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle and one snail turns to the other and says \"Hold on, friend. Here we go!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was finishing reading a book when all of a sudden he had an urge to start masturbating. He finished at the end of the book You can say he *Came to a conclusion*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid. Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress I can't wait to push her down the stairs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know it's way too soon, but... How many times did Tiger's SUV roll? FOUR!!!I'm going to Hell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him \"occupation?\"\"Vell, only if you insist \" he replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom told me: “Finish your peas, there’re starving kids in China” I said: “Oh yeah? Name 10”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spent some cryptocurrency to take digital possession of an image of Gandalf killing the Balrog of Morgoth... My first non-fungible Tolkien."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mary had a little lamb... Her gynecologist fainted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mondays are like prostate exams... A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't .... ..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baker say when she won an award? \"It was a piece of cake.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two soldiers are in a tank. One says to the other, \"Blubblublubblubblub.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What noises do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, cackle and pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't get a reservation at the library. Because they were completely booked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A communist joke isn't funny... unless everyone gets it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you? It's said to have a very low margarine of error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school. Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a joke recorded in an old book from my great great great great grandfather in 1881 A married woman said to her husband. “You have never taken me to the cemetery.” “No dear,” replied he. “that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush today There's no plaque"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My name is Robert, but my friends call me Al... Alcoholic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What can you find in a dog park at night? Some shady shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the monkey do when he saw the rabbit? Painted his balls orange to look like a carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An electric toothbrush is basically a tooth vibrator. It hits all the spots.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a question word. That's grammatically true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the skunk do with all their love letter? They scent them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a dinosaur with a great vocabulary? a thesaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl are you a slime ball? 'Because you make my piston sticky"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out? I think they would really bond"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks through the forest with his granddaughter in late May. She spots some berries and asks what they are.„That's blueberries“, he says.„But they're red, grampa!“„That's because they're still green“"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Met a Fellow Who Wore Green, and Had Stolen a Pot of Gold. Turns out he was a Leprechaun-vict."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother has been staying with me for a couple weeks now, which has been awful. My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door...I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.”I said, “Get inside.”credit: Anthony Jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere: Mos QuitoQue SadillaScu BagearSyn TaxRev ErseMala MuteTrypto PhanCano NicalImpo TentSlee Papnea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hear you, brother \\- Pity me sir, I have a wife and six children, said the beggar.  The gentleman replied:  - Dear fellow! Accept my heartfelt sympathy, so have I!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given that Wendy has a crush on Peter Pan, I guess you can say.... She's Pansexual."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings... Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners has been discovered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere: Mos QuitoQue SadillaScu BagearSyn TaxRev ErseMala MuteTrypto PhanCano NicalImpo TentSlee Papnea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain... ...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the blonde break her leg while raking leaves? She fell out of a tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ambulance with a flat tire? A flatulence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chemical Analysis of Women Item:           Chemical Analysis Subject:        Women Symbol:         Wo Discovered by:  Adam Atomic Weight:  Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb. Occurrence:  Surplus quanti... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I asked a bomb defusion specialist about the stresses of his job... ...he said there aren't any because either he's right or it's suddenly not his problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A duck walked into a Harry Potter toy store, and he said to the man, running the store: “hey... got any Snapes?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dealing with dad-jokes all winter... I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An O-5, a Foundation Agent, and Doctor Bright walk into a bar. [DATA EXPUNGED]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie.... Halfway through he asked, \"Is that lady going to die?\" \"Probably,\" I replied, \"judging by the size of that horse's cock.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush... \"Lookit that, Bubba!\" Billy Bob says. \"Ain't that cousin Jeff?\"Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.\"Naw,\" he says. \"Jeff was taller.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man asks the waiter : \"Do you serve crabs here?\" \"Take a seat. We serve everybody.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog for a walk in the park, he gets attacked by all of the ducks there. Thats what I get for having a pure bread dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why wouldn't the jelly come out of the jar? It was jammed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were. I said, \"Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons make good accountants? The economies of scale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an amputee's favorite toy? Legos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage. The judge threw it out because we had no case"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When wearing a bikini, a woman reveals 90 % of her body Men are so polite that they only look at the covered part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files. I always have trouble with emotional attachments."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of butchers? A meating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake Because it was stuffed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news. \"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first.\"\"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play.\"\"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!\" \"You balls are 3 inches from the pin.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a stoners mouth and shirt have in common? They are both 100% cotton"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do the planets listen to? Nep-tunes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust duck doctors? They're all quacks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How long does it take to make butter? An echurnity! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was Sherlock Holmes' favorite protein source? Mystery meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They're going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA. Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Corona must have hit India hard... I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week fromMicrosoft to warn me about a virus on my computer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two.  One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.EDIT:  Thank you for the silver!EDIT AGAIN:  Thank you for the gold and platinum!  I am honored!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck? The angle becomes a rectangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a therapist and a septic engineer have in common? They both get paid to deal with your shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bra say to the hat at the end of the undergarment party? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?\"Cum at me bro\".\\-Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?He was a peeking duck\\-What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?\"It's bananas\"\\... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss showed up this morning in a new Porsche. I said, \"what an amazing car\"... And he replied, \"yeah - if you work really hard, put lots of hours in and strive for excellence at all times, I should be able to get another one next year\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cars faster than motorcycles? Because motorcycles are two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies. Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a writer My pen name is Bic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was eating out a woman He's almost done, so he looks up and asks 'Ready to have sex'?She repliesYou have my cunt scent"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say it’s frowned upon in society to talk poorly about the Jews.. They say its bad Jew Jew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Hurricane Katrina and Kim Kardashian have in common? They have both swallowed hundreds of black kids :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You should always upvote a joke about Peter Pan, even if you have heard it before. It never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it... I guess as long as I live with  my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf? He's inbread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new backyard grill I got for Memorial Day weekend is actually assembled in America... The box of components are imported, but I had to put it together myself in my garage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread. I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a squirrel and a cigarette have in common? They’re both safe until you light them on fire and put them in your mouth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him. This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I turned to my wife last night I turned to my wife last night and said .......\"I'm into anal\".She gave me a look of despair, glared at me and then said \"Animal\".I just love it when we do the cryptic crossword together!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Come right in, Mr. Trump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went into a cafe today to get some hot cocoa and sit down. The lady at the table next to me was on her computer and clearly becoming irate. She starts getting all huffy, throwing expletives here and there under her breath. Seconds later, she goes full crazy... \"You can't tell me what to do you stupid piece of trash!?!\" I happened to glance over at her screen and see this, she was in command prompt...C:\\Users\\Karen>taskmgr.exe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb? A. Because it wanted a \"light\" snack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only drink on days beginning with \"T\" Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fishing is a great way to recuperate. Whenever you’re feeling bluegill or like nobody gives a crappie. Or if you’ve fallen on your bass and you’re sturgeon for the truth. Don’t ever trout that cod will be there for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the crowd at a gallows so tense? Because they're hanging on to every last word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins... All the lads were very impressed but one asked;  \"How do you tell them apart?\"  \"Easy\", I said, \"Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut No, I got them all cut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach \"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter\" she said\"I know\", I said, \"but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose? Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a DNA joke in my biology class but no one laughed. Guess my thymine was off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show... \"I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know that scent of moth balls? If so- you're some weird freak spreading its legs to sniff it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop. The steaks were high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I unscrambled the letters to spell “anger” “hate” “spite” and “malice” It was a cross word puzzle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Hitler get his niece for her birthday? An easy bake oven."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We now have a goat in our bedroom. 'But what about the smell?''I think the animal will get used to it.'(Hope that works in English too.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!  Sometimes he laughs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it \"Go Fly!\"but it didnt fly.Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss calls me \"The computer\" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars? The Mangolorian.(Made up for an eight year old)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix. Just reset to olfactory settings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population #1. USA: 318.9 million #2. China: 1.357 billion#3. Japan: 173.3 million#4. Australia: 48 as of last census"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do sea gulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)Courtesy of my seven year old niece"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers, your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They're going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ? The female will tell you how to eat her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house? To please their steakholders"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arsenal are gutted at the collapse of the European Super League They were really looking forward to the possibility of finishing as high as 12th place"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone. Client: Over my dead body!Headstone Designer: Yes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The owl asked the most introspect question ever. Who are you???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is a pain in the arse, but I'll always buy her flowers. Fucks with her hay-fever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men? A penile colony."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Me and Lung Cancer? My dad didn't beat Lung Cancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you here about the 99c thrift store that changed to everything for one dollar? Everything else stayed the same, so there's no change there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did dinosaurs prefer to use to pay for their purchases? Obviously tyrannosaurus cheques."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does China always drive on the left they don’t have rights"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People keep talking about black holes I guess they have a lot of mass appeal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp? Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve jobs and Bill Gates colonize Mars. What do they call the planet? Planet of the Apps."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans? Plot Holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my brother is actually my step brother Apparently everyone I played call of duty with fucked my mom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got fired on my first day with the ambulance today I don't know what happened but they asked me how i deliver a baby and i answered \"fedex\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby in full plate armor? *Infantry*Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m always playing with it. I always have it in my hand. I pull it out at family parties or hanging out with friends. I’ve been known to just whip it out in public, at the park, at the playground. I’m talking about my phone, you sicko!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Difference Between Starkiller Base and The Death Star Starkiller base doesn't have a reactor core because it is a copyright of the fine bros."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation Otherwise it's due to the lack of money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was holding a crab when it started pinching me My mom told me to let it go. I replied “no, this is the least abusive relationship I’ve ever been in.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate. Girls love to do dishes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does Freddie know how to play guitar? No, but Brian may"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing? Asbestos he can.I'm so sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my friend if he knew the difference between a chamber pot and a pan He said 'no' Needless to say, I stopped eating at his place"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie. During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,\"Jesus died for your scenes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in high school, my class had a rule that whoever swears, that person had to donate 1 dollar to the class fund One day my friend sweared, following the set rule, he came up near the fund jar, held a 2-dollar note, as he was putting it into the jar, he said: “Keep the change, motherfuckers!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a question about tampons Do they call it Tampax Pearl because it goes in their clam?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gentlemen, there are two strategies for winning an argument with your wife. Neither of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Believe it or not, Satan took a shot at being a YouTuber His channel got loads viewsToo bad he didn't make a penny though The channel got demonetized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? The coffin has the dead person on the inside.(Disclaimer: I'm a violist. Fellow bratsche players, please don't take offense.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies. Next year, it is the Rambos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Tesla and a porcupine? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.[If you own a Tesla, please substitute \"Range Rover\" or whatever other brand makes you feel better.]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Barack Obama said to Michelle when he proposed? \"I don't want to be Obama-self\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Rabbit, a Monkey and a Llama walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them, and goes:\" I think you're ALL in the wrong joke.\"The rabbit says :\"Man this is worse than when I was just a typo.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the male version of a Karen called? I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always like to finish my conversations with a self-deprecating joke... ...like me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster? A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: do u understand the importance of a period? 8yo: yes, once my sister missed her & my mom started crying, my dad fainted & my elder brother ran away from home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter! She's my Japaniece.Edit: guys, I see my mistake.Shiiit. Well imma leave now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a snowman keep his money? In a......snow bank"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees before it comes off in your hand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the space rock break up? It couldn’t comet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How what are similarities between and hurricane and a woman? When they come they are wet and wild and by the time the leave the take your house and your car!p.sDon’t know where the how came from... sorry for it! Also, it’s my cake day!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If skeletons could be any ruler from history, who would they be? Napoleon Bone-a-Part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn't the \"roof\" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a ghost is sad? He starts boo-hooing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are goldfish the most dangerous animal? Because they live in a tank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Printer tired while printing her picture Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does China keep their political prisoners? Wontonamo Bay"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of phone does an animal crossing character have A nookia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I farted in a lift. It was wrong on so many levels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the difference between a toilet and a pan? If you clicked to see the answer don’t ever ask me to eat at your place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple has been married for 12 and a half years and the man wants to surprise his wife So he tells her that they're going to Iceland. His wife, all excited, replies: \"Wow Iceland! That's so far away. So what will your plan be when we are married for 25 years?!\"\"Then I'll come pick you up again.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit \"I have rights you know!\" says the blonde, \"It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of printer do pigs use? An oinkjet printer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blind editor? A grammar not-see."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat. He felt offal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do when you want to employ a dishonest man with wings to purchase threads of metal that transfer electricity across dangerous swamps? Hire liar flyer Sire Dire Mire Wire Buyer!(I thought of this several years ago. My girlfriend doesn't like it, possibly because I am overly proud of it. Hoping some of you get some enjoyment out if it though!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pirates like to play the lottery so much? They really love ArrrrNG!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why flamingos lift up one leg when sleeping? Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive. Just a handy tip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to the soldiers who are supposed to be deployed to Iraq? They sit and Kuwait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level. It was a tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just read an article saying my fav TV show killed off the main character. They buried the lead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... \"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess,\" the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket.\"Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?\" asks the frog. \"I'm a princess!\"The man shrugs. \"I'd rather have a talking frog.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell? A slug"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a dishwashing liquid that attacks grease. Mostly the uninspired cinematography and John Travolta's singing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal? Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform? in the audit-orium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I want to read fiction, I go to the library. When I want to read nonfiction,  I go to the truthbrary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge. It was the first known casual tea ofWar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call medical students who graduated online? google docs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers? With relish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss just referred to me as \"A real pair of butts\" He said I am \"A major ass set to the company\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A week ago my Jeep broke down and I had to scrap it Today I found out my friend got the exact same model Jeep.I'm pretty sure its a reincarnation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know you can't breath when you smile? Just kidding.  Just wanted to make you guys smile :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone! Eh?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young cow runs crying to her mom... A young cow runs crying to her mom...\"Momma, a bull came down to mate with me!\"Momma: \"No need to cry my child. It's perfectly natural.\"\"But momma he insisted on sucking on my teats because it gets him in the mood!\"\"He did What? How dairy!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A student asked his teacher if it was dangerous to mix oxygen and potassium... The teacher said it was OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front The police will watch your house for free!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got in a fight with a guy in a wheel chair the other day He won't be walking for weeks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English? Candidate: Are the thieves from England?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were. I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Gold say to the periodic table? Hey you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do giraffes paint? Giraffiti"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. \"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket\" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. \"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go.\"r>The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.Game warden: So where are the fish?Fisherman: What fish?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!” That’s M’Shell on my back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob the Builder: Can we fix it? Bob's Wife's Attorney: Please, just sign the papers Robert..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east He told me prophets were going through the roof"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the explosion at the workshop where they make perfume? It blew up the olfactory"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face. Except for Chris Brown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy? Romance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can a leopard change his spots? By moving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days? They aren't weak-days."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A termite walks into a bar and asks, \"Is the bar tender here?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street? Jaywalking"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions Well, color me surprised!also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!Edit : grammar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? \"internyet!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all? Anyone sorting by new."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day? To prevent bat breath!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy with a gambling addiction walks into a butchers He goes to the butcher - \"I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder\"The butcher says \"I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle. But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's nothing in the Guinness Book about digital DJs. They don't hold any records."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic His new gig is just a little bit funny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Harry, Ron, Fred and George started a boy band together called... Wand Erection"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All the comic books I inherited from my older brother had their last pages missing. I had to draw my own conclusions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity. So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.Free of charge"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I have good news and bad news,\" a defense attorney told his client First the bad news:The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.\"\"Oh, no!\" cried the client. \"What's the good news?\"\"Your cholesterol is down to 140.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Come in number 9, your time is up. Boss, we've only got 8 boats. Number 6, are you in trouble?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license. He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses.\"I said: “Well, I have contacts.\"The policeman replied \"I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "[sciency] two men walked walked into a bar, one ordered plain H2O and the other said ‘H2O too please’ Needless to say, the Second one died"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a girl that periods are no big deal She ovary acted"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder... ... so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was the captain of the chess team in high school... And as you might have guessed from that statement, I’m white and I’ve never dated a black woman. But if I ever do date a black woman, I know one thing:I’ll have to make the first move."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is John cena is the spokesperson for Honda? He has a great voice but I can’t see him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol. And I thought \"6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge. It was the first known casual tea ofWar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole, and a Fox lives in a foxhole, does that mean a donkey live in a asshole?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone is of the idea that shark song will be played 18 years from now in proms and clubs. As adults do you ever go singing... the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town.... ..... the doors on the bus go open and shut, open and shut, the doors on the bus go open and shut all through the town....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question. “Well you see,” The English teacher explained. “‘Life without parole’ is a phrase.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy came to a restaurant with his dad Waiter: What would you like to order?Dad: I'll have the rabbit stew.Waiter: Ok. Only if you promise not to say ''Waiter, there's a hare in my stew'' after I bring it to youDad:Waiter:Dad: I'll have the chicken"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation? Returning to the scene of the crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter  An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there fences around cemetery’s Because everyone is dying to get in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend gave me the nickname Jack Daniels Because she says I'm a hard licker!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which city is the capital of food porn? Nuttingham"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one John say to the other John? What’s the matter? You look flushed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do sumo wrestlers avoid skydiving? Because a fat man  falling to  Japan is a  bad idea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed? Only women get stoned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Grizzly found causing mayhem at a BBQ” First, he mauled dad in the back garden. Then he cooked up some burgers, urinated in the punch and downed the lot of it. The newspaper headline read: “Bear grills, drinks his own piss”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Americas covid numbers are only because the population is so dense There are also a lot of people in certain locations"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head. She died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grrrrrainnnnnssss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:It's stale mate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A student is late for a zoom class... \"What took you so long?\" the teacher asks.\"Technical difficulties\" the student answers.\"I've heard that excuse a hundred times, let me guess, your wifi didn't work?\"\"My clock\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV. He asked, \"What is that for?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "While I was cleaning the pool one hot day... I overheard my college daughter’s friend:Your dads hot!Daughter: really??I smiled Friend: I think he’s suffering heat stroke, you should tell him to get in the shade"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got caught trying to steal a hairpiece. There was a price toupee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper? A: Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. \"You can't cut me down,\" the tree complains. \"I'm a talking tree!\" The man responds, \"You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, \"I don't know. It all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East It's titled A Kuwait Place"}
{"character": "random", "line": "UK is a very generous country It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college freshman in the year 2034 opens a bottle of cheapo vodka and immediately exclaims: Smells just like my childhood!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rich people have... Rich people have colon cleansesPoor people have taco bell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled \"I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife.\"A voice from the back of the room called out \"you need more ammo!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "inspired by the girl who was surprised after drawing her eyebrows too high I tried to tell this foreign exchange student that she drew one of her eyebrows higher than the other, but I don't think her English was very good because she looked confused ​"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a star wars bounty hunter who loves tropical fruit ? Mango Fett."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Violets are blue Sunflowers are yellowI bet you were expecting something romantic but no, this us just gardening facts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Periods aren't bad Its just women's ovary acting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call medicine that you give to pigs? Oinkment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green? K-K-Kale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When one door closes, another door opens. You are being ejected through the air lock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can't take a vacation.. \\- I can't go on a long vacation because of my work. \\- Oh, I'm sure they can manage without you for a week.\\- Exactly! That's what I don't want them to discover."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts... ... It makes no cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt... A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said \"looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks... ...are you testing its utensil strength?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows look so depressed after being milked? Well if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn't shag you, you`d be pissed off too!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Reverend Rabbit say before blessing his meal ? Lettuce Pray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet? Last year's hide-and-go-seek champion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two professional limbo players walk into a bar. You really would’ve thought they’d have ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy who only wears a loincloth and a crown of thorns? A cross-dresser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news. \"Good news is you have 48 hours to live,\" he said to Harry. \"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a skillet and a person who asks celebrities invasive questions? One's a frying pan, the other is a prying fan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a solar powered keyboard? A photosynthesiser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Mass Confusion Fathers Day in Detroit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chicken soup is healthy for you. As long as you’re not the chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the way to a woman's vagina? Oh sorry, I thought this was /r/AskReddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A loaf of bread made an enemy of me. Now it's toast"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said I don't know, it happened so fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A karate professional is shooting a movie scene He fails the first take, to which the director remarks, \"Aren't you a professional? \"\"Yeah, but this is take one though. \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lately I've been getting turned on every time I see someone cut in two on my tv shows So yeah I guess I'm bisectual"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman knocked at my door..... I answered and he said \"Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident.\"I said \"I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new set designer was hired at the filming company. He was fired shortly after for making a scene."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of breath mints do dyslexic military officers use? Tac-tics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services? Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bar of gold walks into a pub The bartender says \"Au get out of here\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Gorillas have large nostrils? Why do Gorillas have large nostrils?Fat Fingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is this movie about? It is about  hours long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m hosting a charity event for men unable to ejaculate. If you can’t come let me know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows. They are calling it the element of surprise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL Bill Gates once released a swarm of mosquitoes at a TED talk about malaria, saying that it shouldn’t be an experience only for poor people... I can't wait to go see his new talk about gun violence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin's lamp... Wife: Oh my god, you're SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling? Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times. Wife: Awww, you're so sweet baby! And did it work?Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have the Quran on CD... People sure are getting upset when I said I burned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dated a surgeon who turned out to be a kleptomaniac, she stole my heart.. ... and kidney."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has developed a fetish with salad items... Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.And that was just the tip of the iceburg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would bears be without the letter B? Ears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper? Because he had little patients!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the mail person delivery any envelopes? They were stationary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's rated \"Arrrrrrr.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son as he walked out the door? Bi-son."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...She said, she's sorry she ever married me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why people think \"War and Peace\" is a tough read. It's only 3 words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Doc get such a good selling price on the Delorean? It was only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who sells herself in exchange for a plate of spaghetti? A pasta-tute"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Taiwan willing to stand up to China? Because it has a Taipei personality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The path to inner peace begins with just 3 words Not my problem"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday... I said, \"Aw, I don't need presents, I just want a nice, relaxing massage and some of that great sex we used to have.\"Anyway guys, it worked, she is buying me so much stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant? Because caulk fighting is illegal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife to hurry up and get off of her period. So she can get on my exclamation mark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an element that always complains? a lament."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of lotion do bullfighters use? Olay!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "That song \"everybody talks\" by neon trees is offensive to mute people.... And you'll probably never hear about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs? Peter Parkour"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls! But really, they're all liti-gators"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her. Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said \"36C\" She proceeded to slap my face and said \"What the hell is wrong with you?!\"My response was \"Why the hell would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in. Nowadays, Depend's"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish that performs surgery in freshwater? Lake sturgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My husband works in a plant nursery and is looking for quality plant jokes to tell his overworked co-workers. Show me what you've got! (I'll start) Why are plants bad cheerleaders?Because they're always rooting for themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make gold soup? Add 24 carrots"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Environment Friendly Joke *What do you do with 365 used condoms?*    Re-cycle them into a tyre and call it a Good Year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the Transformer who turns into a prostate vibrator? I finally understand what they mean by ***\"robots in these guys\"***"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?\"He smiled & replied, \"It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion. As he was dying he kept insisting, \"Be positive!\", but it's difficult to be positive without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mushroom walks into a bar and sidles up to a stool. Bartender: “You’ll need to leave. We don’t serve your kind here.”Mushroom: “Why not? I’m a . . . fun-gi.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues\" the surgeon said The patient replies \"But my name isn't Steve\"Nervously, the surgeon replies \"But my name is\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the cows return from the fields right about when evening tea is ready? It’s tea-pot calling the cattle back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was pulled over by a police officer for drink driving. He said walk down the path in a straight line, 3 yards into the walk, the officer said, \"You're staggering\" I said, \"you're quite handsome yourself\" We just laughed and laughed. Now I need bail money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Irish Couples Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.After 3 hours of amazing sex, Brian says: \"I wonder how the girls are getting on\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol. And I thought \"6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs. I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings. I'll call it Salvador Deli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That’s right, the steaks were pretty high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating. I scored full Marks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR. What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism.  I'm not surprised at all though.  To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby cause 2 wongs don’t make a white"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police bring a phone to the station for questioning. They soon find out his shocking crime. He was charged in connection with battery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This one time I got into an argument with my furnace. You could say things got a little heated"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor says to a lawyer \"There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork\" The lawyer responds \"And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL when some beers pour, they make a distinct melody. I would try use math to predict which, but I have never been good with lager rhythmic functions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, my girlfriend wanted to try some stuff she saw in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.Me: oh yeahhhh? What’d you wanna try babe?Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Larry Flynt, creator of Hustler Magazine, has died aged 78. His family have asked fans do not send flowers... ...but to send nudes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Potatoes are taking over the world... They say it's the rise of the mashines"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bored trampoline jumper say? \"Okay, bye. I'm gonna bounce now.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the maths. I am immortal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Dad Joke) Why is a library the tallest building? It has so many stories!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state do crayons go to on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brain is like an F-22 Raptor Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a therapists office And the therapist asks what do you think will be going through your head in 3 Years? hopefully a bullet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I helped my uncle jack off a horse My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man who has no sense of humor... has a serious problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter... I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Senior Computer Security? Senior Computer Security?My memory is going Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the world. I said \"Really?\"She said, \"Yes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The blind construction worker at my school accidentally pulled the fire alarm. I don't think the fire alarm was a drill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun? An Ultra-Violet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a man on a date with his really hot wife and I jokingly asked him how he wound up with a woman so beautiful. He said, I put my hands on her I am a misogynist. I was shocked and bewildered and looked to the wife for an explanation but she turned to her husband and said, honey you have to say \"massage therapist\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, \"Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?\" Little Johnny quickly replied, \"NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were. I said, \"Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Greek god of open wounds! Herpes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income. He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels. I’ve been working on it tirelessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Hitler's girlfriend and a female farmer? One bails her hay and one hails her bae."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces. Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said \"Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you.\" He was being too forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wealthy Frenchman was showing me his yachts... “This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six... ““What happened to 5?” I asked “Cinq”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went into a cafe today to get some hot cocoa and sit down. The lady at the table next to me was on her computer and clearly becoming irate. She starts getting all huffy, throwing expletives here and there under her breath. Seconds later, she goes full crazy... \"You can't tell me what to do you stupid piece of trash!?!\" I happened to glance over at her screen and see this, she was in command prompt...C:\\Users\\Karen>taskmgr.exe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Robert Palmer bad at tennis? He's addicted to love"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A polar cub goes to its mom. \\- Mom, is dad a polar bear?\\- Yes, my darling.\\- Is uncle Jim a polar bear?\\- Yes, son.\\- What about aunt Cindy?\\- Yes, she is a polar bear too.\\- Grandpa? Is grandpa a polar bear?\\- Yes. Grandpa is a polar bear. Same with grandma.\\- A... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the clock get kicked out of the library? It tocked too much."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it? Instagram.I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19? Because he has Santa-bodies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance. I said, \"Ma'am, are you sure?\"She replied, \"Yes if you don't mind.\"So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man drops his coin into the wishing well... \" I wish I had a giant cock!\"Wish granted. Cause of death, 2 metre cock shoved up his ass. Giant still at large."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer... I guess she'll have to flip a coin....Heads or Tales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As the bishop advanced towards the queen, the queen pulled a surprise attack and took out the bishop Believe me, the other Vatican priests were just as surprised as you are"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do game companies do with their old successful games? Post Mortem, most port em."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade? A huge rant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: In light of Hurricane Michael, remember to always look out for yourself. As they say: There's no 'I' in Team... But there is an Eye in Hurricane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa have a brothel on the north pole? Cause that's where he keeps his hoe hoe hoes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved… …but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bee, a fly, and a mosquito signed up for a website that sometimes stings, usually stinks, and mostly sucks. What website is this? BuzzFeed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge? He wanted to gather his THOTs first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of lotion do bullfighters use? Olay!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting He didn’t like id., et al."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs? It's a long tail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system.... Sound advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the Difference between Pink and Purple? Your Grip.  :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2? Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you're on the Oregon Trail don't make fun of Terrance, or he might kill you. You don't want to die of dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards. Me: ...And?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I drew up plans for Duckingham Palace, but I can't find them. So I guess we'll just have to wing' it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of deaf people? I don't know. But it is definitely not heard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance. An ambulance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hippies make good accountants? Because they're from a counter-culture"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, \"I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled\"The clerk replies in disgust, \"It's just regular porn, you sick fuck\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep. huehuehue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play The orcana"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the shop to buy a foot pump for our new air bed. I was shocked by how much the price had risen since the last pump I purchased. But yer, I suppose that’s the cost of inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were the most open-minded presidents in history. I was quite shocked by this, and it blew my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a tenured professorship. My area of expertise is mosquito bites. It’s one hell of a niche."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What element in the Periodic Table of Elements can you not take seriously? Silly-con!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him... ...before he did his time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In school we had a friend named Gustavo. He was a blast to be with, but he had an odor. If I had to describe it, fun Gus had a musky scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a bucket and a tub? For starters, the bucket pails in comparison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam? He called it Wildlife Preserve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nic Cage went through such a hassle to find a national treasure. When all he had to do was look in a the mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to return this. It’s unused. Clerk: Sir, this is your diploma. Me: Cash is fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. \"Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?\" The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. \"No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the man with hummus spilled on his shirt called kinky? Because he had some chick-pea all over him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps? He says “No, it kills them.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad They had great chemistry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE? At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What bacon makes you sneeze? Peppa Pig"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, \"How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?\"I replied, \"Single-handedly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set Pretend that I have one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So its pancake Tuesday today That surely crepe'd up on us"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother was pissed at me when he found out I mated his wife He bet $100 she would beat me in a game of chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach... I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went shopping for shoes and I found the perfect pair They are my solemates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine, a mathematician, told me he has long term effects after his COVID-19 infection. \"Do you have difficulties breathing?\" I asked him. \"No,\" he said, \"I stopped reducing fractions.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a surrogate mother in the White House? The secret cervix."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy shows up late for work The boss yells, \"You should’ve been here at 8.30!\"He replies, \"Why? What happened at 8.30?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said he could tell a better glove pun than me. But I'm not gauntlet that happen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law & Order franchise ordered a T-bone steak for dinner last night. He prefers them well Done-Done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cows go to the Marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back. In honor of 420."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Boulangerie” is a french bakery. “Boucherie” is a french butcher shop. What’s a french ice cream shop? Benandgerie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene? Shit went down here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new job at the prison library It has its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats worse then getting your car keys stuck in the lock outside an abortion clinic? Having to go back inside and ask for a coathanger."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cows walk into a barn \"man i hate this farm\", said the first one.\"mood\", mooed the second cow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a violin player use as birth control? Their personality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his zipper... He sets up at the bar and orders a drink. The bar tender says, \"whooaa whoaaa, before I serve you a drink, whats up with the steering wheel coming out of your zipper?\" The pirate just says, \"yaarrg its drivin' me nuts\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just quit my job working in a shoe factory It was sole destroying"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man finally returns home from WWIII to his dog The dog asks: “Did you go for a walk without me?”The man replies:“No, Iran”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After Hunt for Red October came out, my family moved from Moscow to San Francisco, where I became a fan of the 49ers with Steve Young as Quarterback I would have liked to have seen Montana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shot a family in their home last night. Being a photographer is such an easy job!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was the number one tire salesman over 12 out of 15 quarters They were mostly Good years"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should every starter house come with a cat? Because you can’t spell homeowner without “meow”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are snails bad at racing? They're sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the leader of the hot dog race say to the others? You better ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't mummies take time off work? They're afraid to unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell \"candy\" with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when bigfoot stomps on your garden? Squash"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was swindled by a tiny man dressed in green. He was begging and I gave him money because he claimed to be afflicted by a horrible and infamous skin disease. I have since learned that claim was false.Yes, I fell victim to a classic leper con."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the oval office is full of money? There's a wad of bill's under the desk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him.\" \"Why?\" \"My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do rich people and drug addicts have in common? They both have friends in high places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the American temperature doctor? His degree was in Fahrenheit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cops have released a statement on the discovery of \"Glory Hole\" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house. Police are looking into it. And are preparing a probing investigation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall... and asks his dad for forty dollars.\"Thirty dollars?\" he replies. \"What do you need twenty dollars for?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was feeling very rundown and tired when suddenly a muscular little person grabbed both of my legs and lifted me into the air with ease. I instantly felt refreshed! I guess I just needed a little pick-me-up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina. Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu. \"Can I ask you something?\" I said.\"Certainly,\" he replied.I said, \"Why did you just eat my food?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom The giraffe says \"pass the soap, please\"And the elephant says \"no soap, radio!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So tired of all these restrictions... I'm getting so tired of all these quarantine-related restrictions.For example, I just found out today that when I'm in public the governor is requiring me to wear pants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Green Lantern is weak to the color yellow, if you pissed on him, would he become weak? Either way, he'd be pissed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are quick to judge crowds at bars after reopening.. It’s a bar, by definition that’s where people go to make bad decisions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm training for a marathon with my friend. Every day when we hit the trails he tells me the same thing, and it always makes me laugh. It's a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him... \"You are what you eat.\"I've been a d*ck ever since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor from the morgue calls the local dealership: \"How many motorcycles did you sell today?\" \"Four.\" \"Oh, looks like one is still riding\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was confused as to why my neighbor started selling empty perfume bottles... It made no scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad turns to his son and says \"Masturbation causes blindness.\" Son replys \"Dad I'm over here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say I'm overconfident Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who’s Santa’s favourite musician? Elfis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies show that more Americans watch television... than any other household appliance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking. If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mum is so slow It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters? Because they are filled with anty bodies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s always been a familiar connection I get in the shade of my succulent collection... Aloe darkness, my old friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events. They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread? Cut the ends and you will have endless bread"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen. It's mad cow disease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hopefully everyone delivering quads today sees their opportunity... \"May the 4th be with you\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son Son scowls and said: \"Mommy I told you I hate salad!\" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.Mom angrily responds: \"Oh you salad tosser!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies? A swallow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when there’s an earthquake at a cemetery ? A maraca band"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an owl’s favorite board game? Guess Who?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine. Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata. (Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like playing squash The ants hate it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How are pooping at someone else's house, and a first date the same? You really hope both *go down*."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie. He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. \"Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So two men walk into a tie shop The first men asks \"Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest\"  The second man responds \"nah we will probably end up in a tie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy. It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.I was a complete mess.I was broke and my body was ruined.But fuck me, what a night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops... But toucan!(First post here, hope you like it.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault? he was a tenure sax"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Just look at that couple down the road,\" a wife told her husband. \"He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can't you do that?\" \"Are you insane?\" he responded. \"I barely know the woman!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Russ: \"Dad, this tree won't fit in our backyard.\" Clark: \"It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the man feeling after he got swindled right under Big Ben? He was ticked off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I told him my dogs don't even own bikes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got an email from Google saying, 'At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!' and I thought, 'That's just spam!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was the handsome runner described? \"Dashing.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Act like a parent. Talk like a peer. It's called peer-enting.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody just threw a bottle of perfume at me Eau fuck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but... The tips were massive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once turned down a farm job because it called for haulin’ oats. I told them, “I can’t go for that.”This is my friend’s joke - original, supposedly.  Posting it here for feedback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table? Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters... He doesn't like Capitalism"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the US military use digital camo? They turned down the graphics for better performance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean. They are all c foods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space? One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a librarian so I put out a display of invisible books on April Fools day. But my patrons saw right through it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Alex say to his college roommate to get him to stop working on his college essay and come out for hotdogs Relish today...And Ketchup tomorrow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients, They could really get away with calling them psycho paths."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snowman that plays piano? Meltin' John"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water? A basic bitch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't Bolivia Peru-v it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Star Trek poetry night? It has it's Prose and Khan's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2015, while addressing graduates of SMU, George W. Bush said; \"To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.\"Then Donald Trump came and said “Bush has denied us, Americans our right to be POTUS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist gave me a pamphlet on anger management I lost it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)? Morose Code."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:” I’d pay to see that bloody shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who Did Fonzie call when his motorcycle broke down? Triple Ayyy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... \"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!\"The guy at the counter said \"Your stance is too wide\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hard worker got a promotion. Thats the joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you about the guy that locked himself out of his car? He called the locksmith & the locksmith said “I’ll be there in 40 mins” Guy said “no,  I need you to be here faster.  It looks like it’s about to start raining and the top is down”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak? Because it was /r/aww"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer succeeds in growing a field of vibrators.. He now has a problem with squatters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what disease is really hard to beat? Erectile dysfunction. (This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: you'll soon be at peace Man: am I dying?Doctor: no, your wife is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boomer have a no coins policy in his store? He couldn’t tolerate change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the flower say when it wants you to leave it alone? Begonia!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just couldn't decide which asian takeout food I like the best, Japanese or Chinese. I ended up calling it a Thai."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anthony Scaramucci [removed]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my grandfather In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the non-binary prospectors head west? Because there was gold in them/their hills."}
{"character": "random", "line": "India is a very peaceful country. Because nobody has any beef over there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rap battle event between lizards? A reptile diss function."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the ghost go to for his vacation? He went to Maliboo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the doctor say to the ghost? You’re not getting enough exorcise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a Karen called in China? Kalen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together. I said “let’s not get ahead of our shelves”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room They talk to the child laying there,“ are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime“The kid in a raspy voice replies, “ So a short one?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says \"i wish I could do that\" To which John replies \"probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, \"Morning.\" He replied, \"No, just having a shit.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager. Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says \"But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!\" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, \"Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard They misheard the words *serene dijon*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've compiled my Dad Joke Insults and archived them. I call it the \"Dad Abase.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my son I'm named after Thomas Jefferson. He says, But dad, your name is Brian. I respond, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts go to the pub? For boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Reese eat cereal? Witherspoon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers? A: Because they make no cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Fifty Shades of Grey\" gives its readers unrealistic expectations. It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A COVID nurse asked me ‘so sir when did you first begin to lose your sense of taste’ I replied ‘Hey! Riverdale is a good show’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Tribute Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talkMan: you're onBoy: how does sandpaper feel?Dog: Ruff!Boy: what's on top of a house?Dog: Roof!Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?Dog: Ruth!Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of h... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the two steps to marrying a country girl? First; a tractor.Next; fertilizer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. \"Help, shark! Help!\" he cries. &nbsp;  &nbsp;  The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.” “Not even for coffee??”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an instigated collection of instruments? An inclination of 1080p music"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Rapunzel keep cool in the summer? She uses her hAIR conditioner!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world? 8 bucks.  Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China and reddit's societies are similar Opinions aren't allowed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though, We have one song and it's band."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed. The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a library ? It's like the internet, but made of trees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month She said \"fuck you\". So i'm pretty excited for October"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paid multi-story car parking... Wrong on so many levels..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a pair of Meatloaf underpants [NSFW] The front says \"I would do anything for love\", and the back says \"but I won't do that\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad They had great chemistry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the accepted currency in Australia? Outbucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my second shot now..... Waiting for the bartender to come back so that I can have a third shot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was? It looks like rain, dear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boy asks, \"Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD\" Granny replies, \"Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American and a Russian were talking in a bar The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free. \"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout \"Death to the American President\" and nothing happens to me.\" Hearing this the Russian smirked\"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout \" Death to the American President\", nothing bad happens to me either\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene... Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: \"I've counted 28 gunshots.\"Cop 2: \"Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are\" Ok. BTW what's my last name?\"Scissorhands\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month. I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors. Oh and weird concurrency bugs.Oh and weird concurrency bugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer. The truth is, it is just an asshole!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Trump is going back to television? Yeah. He has signed on with The Biggest Loser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A redneck couple gets pregnant, what will they have? Either a niece or a nephew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wrote a joke about a lizard to get some internet points. A Karma Chameleon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"What do you think lies there, on the other side?\", I asked my father as he took his last breathes... He replied, \"I don't know son, but I'm dying to find out.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Blonde Girls chatting. Blonde 1: I understand how you get Bob from Robert& Bill from William, but how do you get Dick from Richard?Blonde 2: Show him your Pussy....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. \"Oh yeah?\" he asks. \"Have you sold anything yet?\" I said, \"Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tinfoil: Viserys Targaryen is a hipster. He wore a crown before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my dad tells a dad joke so i tell my dad \"im cold\" and he responds with \"go stand in the corner its 90 degrees"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mondays are like prostate exams... A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Take a card, any card,” the magician says. I take his credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi? He's still alive. (Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Meghan may face some akward times with the Royal Family at the funeral of Prince Philip But luckily, black is generally accepted at funerals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games. They lost the opener."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg? No? Well, she is all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine Calcium and Iron? A cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Hitler achieve 99 firemaking? He burned yews."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay! Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together? \"Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s Passover and a Jewish guy is eating his lunch in the park. A blind man sits down next to him, so the Jewish guy offers him some of his lunch—a piece of matzoh. The blind man takes it, fingers it a moment, and says, “Who writes this crap?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who passed away because he consumed too much food coloring? He dyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police just arrested the world's tongue twister champion. They say he'll be given a tough sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor? Too Siri-ous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Pop Corn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you guys hear that Nicolas Cage robbed all the coins from a bank recently? Luckily he got caught and went to jail, plus all of the money got returned! He’s currently in a Nickleless Nicolas Cage Cage"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar. The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.” “Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables. The maître d' says \"I'll let ya in, but don't start anything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A little boy with Downs runs to his dad to show him a drawing he made... \"Excellent son, good job!\" The dad says. \"I'd rate this 47/46.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin? Shallot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? because he wanted space"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and the hitchhiker in my car have in common? They are both in an advanced state of D composition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the longest sentence in the English language? ‘I do’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only a bank ATM will charge you $3 to get your money back Then tell you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The orange asked the melon: \"Hey, want to get married?\" The melon said: \"Sorry, I canteloupe\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Susie came home from school and told her mum the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels \"you should tell them No, they only want to see your knickers\" said her mum\"I know that, that's why I hide them in my bag\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder And i thought to myself ‘oh thats a little CONdescending"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life is just like a USB port 50% chance of being right and always wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet. They were publicly desemenated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is the anniversary of my great great great grandfather inventing camouflage. Not that anyone noticed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an amazing joke about Dragon Ball Z. Find out tomorrow on R/jokes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just this week an American astronaut voted from space... Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cow crossing a street sees a glove in ground. All ashamed and blushing goes: Oh my god. Who's bra is this NOTE: It's a dad joke but I didn't know how to make a #DadJoke label. So consider yourself warned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures \"the lowest ever recorded\" this summer. So he switched the US to Celsius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't you see a lot of bars in comic books? Because they look sketchy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my friend if he knew the difference between a chamber pot and a pan He said 'no' Needless to say, I stopped eating at his place"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the tastiest dinosaur? Steakasaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. \"Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself! Ok soot yourself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Halfing and a Hobbit? Copyright"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Kenny Loggins was vacationing in Israel, how did he get to Bethlehem? He took the Highway to the Manger Zone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "That Kool-Aid Man is a terrible actor Always breaking the fourth wall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Would you like the soup or salad? Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pirates get angry after going to the bathroom? Without their P they're irate"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a snowman make you laugh? It gives you an icetickle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the hardest thing about defenestration? the window"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny.\" *Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*\"I came straight home, of course!\"*That's my good boy.*\"Mom?\"*Yes, my son?*\"May I please have a penny?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year, thousands of children made Santa's Naughty List. How many children made the Nice List? 69,420"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian To show up at my funeral in black suits and say  \"thank you boss\", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If cajuns yell \"ooh wee, makes me want to slap my mother in law\" when they eat something good, what do the Japanese say? Ooh-mommy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I asked a bomb defusion specialist about the stresses of his job... ...he said there aren't any because either he's right or it's suddenly not his problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who does a squirrel go to for confession? >!A chip-monk!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an Emergency physician’s favorite cellular organelle? The ER"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is 'The Vampire Diaries' even a good show? I heard the Characters suck a lot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle died from a turtle stampede It was a slow death"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding. I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it? Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are goldfish the most dangerous animal? Because they live in a tank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Flowers On Valentine’s Day I came home with a dozen roses for my wife. She looked at me and said “so I guess you want me to spread my legs now?”I said, “well, I kinda thought we’d put them in a vase.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day my mum made a stew out of cow intestines. It tasted offal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor was really impressed with the amount of hair I had on the scalp for my hair transplant However, he was a *bit* concerned that the scalp was not mine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the cow scared Because its life was at steak!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do white knights put on their bread? M'lasses"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking about how a persons conciousness forms and what happens to it when you die... Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from consciousness Joe?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy became a savage after his girlfriend left. I guess I should have known he'd become Ruth-less."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles! Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as \"personal lubricant.\" They really loved ancient grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the 3 sizes of condoms? Small, medium and liar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's floating above a mass grave? Team spirit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Swan represents happiness, then what bird symbolizes true love? The Swallow.(This is my third anniversary posting this joke on a time line near Valentines. My yearly repost if you will)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ya know I hear Iran has no Walmarts Only Targets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball... ...and rubbed them against the car door.Magically, it opened!!\"That's incredible!!\" the woman gasped. \"How did you do it?\"\"Easy...\" replied the soldier. \"These are my khakis.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do angels smell so good? Because their scent from God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a ghost's favourite exercise? Deadlifting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If R-Kelly was a computer file He'd be a .pdf file"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a book on feng shui. I read it, but now I don't know where to put it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms... Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night. Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard my school's principle's husband talk about how she gives good blow jobs She is the headmaster after all"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Travolta tested negative for Coronavirus last night. Turns out is was just a Saturday Night Fever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What side of the earth were Europeans best at exploring? Genocide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of winrar is arrested His trial is expected to last forever"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the castle cut the grass It was already moat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently started a literature group for inmates It's got it's prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does my dad and a large crowd have in common? Never seen them since 2019"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of weeks ago I went to buy a pair of my favourite sandals only to find they were sold out.Imagine my joy when I went in today to find they were Birkenstock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“ I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine a Crocodile and a Shitzu? A Crockashit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I need to fix my bike tire, it's flat. Dad: Kiddo, you need a henway for that. Kid: What's a henway? About three pounds.  (read outloud)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day, I was taking a selfie with a bear in the forest. An old man yelled at me 'what is this nonsense?'. I apologised, 'Bear with me'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat... ... and then blame it on the boyfriendCredits ~ Anthony Jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dont understand why they say cancer is so hard to beat I'm already on stage 4"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn’t believe it when I read that the cast of “Friends” are reuniting after 20 years. No one told me life was gonna be this way."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I almost fell for the Nigerian Prince Scam Jokes on them I already know Nigeria doesn't exist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Colorblind uncle My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an optimist from a pessimist? Ask them to pronounce OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space? One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never talk to a girl about pregnancy, periods or 'women problems' She'll ovary act"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad I couldn't believe I'd failed my biology exam. He said , I'm your mum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I go nuts for washers You know what I'm talking a bolt?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people draw a circle or an oval... I mean seriously, it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli(I'm sorry I'll leave now...)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve started to invest in stocks. Beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. \"Who is it?\" She asked. The voice back replies \"It's the blind man, can I come in?\" The Nun thinks for a moment and says \"yes that's fine\". The door opens and the man says. Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal. I said, \"Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody just threw a bottle of perfume at me Eau fuck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do crabs never share their lobsters? They're shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem? \"Let's try a different angle.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound? To make the Eschar go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my wife is fed up with my dad jokes and asked me to stop telling them. Me: how do you want me to stop?Wife: whatever means necessary.Me: ...? No it doesn't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandpa just died of lung cancer... He fought it asbestos he could."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Classical joke for Christmas period. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east He told me prophets were going through the roof"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit \"I have rights you know!\" says the blonde, \"It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack? Because it's assault."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Prostitution is illegal in most of the U.S. But if you film it and call it porn then it's alright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. 5 minutes before the bell, Bob handed in a blank sheet of paper. \"Bob!\" yelled the teacher. \"You've done nothing. Why?\"\"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I live in MD and the governor is all “Don't go to the bar. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.” Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving with my backdoor open. To close it, I accelerated at speedbumps. That way the door will close from the shock.  I got fired because the patient fell from the ambulance..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to colonize space? Because of meteor rights"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain... ...he received a precipitation trophy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a long line of LGBT people An LGBTQ"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son, as a reward for graduating high-school at the top of your class, we've decided to pool or money and send you abroad! Son: Is she hot?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Lieutenant Worf say when he made rainbow T-shirts with his son? “Today *is* a good day to dye!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan? He died of dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a warehouse full of soup stock Now I'm a bouillonaire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just talk about how good the old one was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Classical joke for Christmas period. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are some things I can't get a grip on. And that's why I stick to handles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So there we were, 2 vs 100. We prepared our attack and started off strong... Killed 'em both."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know why they bother with all that science history stuff in class like \"Nature abhors a vacuum\". Anyone who's ever had pets knew that already."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter. I call it inter-mitten fasting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection... It will be my Vinyl resting place"}
{"character": "random", "line": "China may be catching up to the US economically... ...but they definitely won’t outweigh us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do they play baseball games at night? Because the bats are asleep during the day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the homicidal vegetarian say? I would kale for some salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The library in our town had thousands and thousands of books But even then everyone referred to it as the two storey building."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are the bathrooms so quiet at Pfizer headquarters? ....Because the P is silent.   (a 12 year old told me this after I got my Pfizer vaccine)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf in his arse Doctor says \"no worries we can remove this easily\"Man replies \"doc, this is just the tip of the iceberg\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple Sorry, wrong thread"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the unvaccinated child buy a motorcycle when he was 3 years old? Midlife Crisis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the cow in therapy? Because of his low moooooood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During the Coronavirus Pandemic the government gave all MPs a £10k increase on the expenses they can claim..... Don't those Wankers know Pornhub is free just now?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gamble do English grads have to perfect to become the most dominant in their class? The Alpha Bet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team. Props to him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone \"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving  It deep ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the broken printer become a rockstar? Because it liked to jam all the time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the ghost of a panda bear eat? Bambooooo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hen staring at a bowl of shredded lettuce? Chicken sees a salad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part about sorting by new? The jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the toupee say to the hat? Cover me, I’m going on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles? Sandy Eggo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up? Aww shucks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it's not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great pizza joke for you. Nevermind, it's too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? To make some dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters like to party? At the g-rave-yard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do I look? With your eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, then I think I'll just sleep in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Rectangle, red and bad for your teeth? A Brick!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick. Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son Son scowls and said: \"Mommy I told you I hate salad!\" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.Mom angrily responds: \"Oh you salad tosser!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... \"I'm scared\" said the little girl.\"You're scared?!\" Said the man. \"At least you don't have to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snail paint a big S on the side of his vehicle? So when he drove by people would say \"look at that S car go!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge \"I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight\" The judge responds \"what's she doing\"The guy says \"looking for me\"...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of anagrams died... May he \"erect a penis\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I tucked some receipts from Bitcoin into an exotic dancer's panties. My first use of stripto currency."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A COVID nurse asked me ‘so sir when did you first begin to lose your sense of taste’ I replied ‘Hey! Riverdale is a good show’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what’s really worth its weight in gold? Gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Taxi A drunk guy stops a taxi and opens the door,\"You have space for 10 beer and a whole chicken\" he asks the driver\"Sure\" the driver replies\"Ok\" answers the drunk guy and pukes in the car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey. So I took a photo of her hair!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The dean of women at an exclusive girl’s college was lecturing her students on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” said the speaker to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: “How do you make it last an hour?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin. Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms. So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blacksmith say to the knight when he delivered the knight’s new armor? You’ve got mail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history? He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did I get kicked out All I did was go to the bank and the woman in front of me asked me if I could check her balance its not my fault she banged her head after"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some punk kids threw a baseball through the lower half of my window, and then jumped through an entire other window to get it! Let me tell you, it was a pane and a half to replace."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth). Weird flex, but OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a guy and a girl are on a date, when they walk past a pond with swans in it. The girl turns to the guy and says “I can talk to animals.” The guy looks at the girl and says “I gotta see this!” So the girl turns to the swans and says, “HEY SWANS, FUCK YOU!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A monkey asks another monkey - What are you doing?- Eating a banana.- But why is it brown?- Because I'm eating it the second time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers... ...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air? A centipede."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a question about tampons Do they call it Tampax Pearl because it goes in their clam?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got locked out of my house on Hoth and had to sleep with my Tauntaun... ...was actually pretty comfy, my only complaint was that he was luke-warm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump says he’s a self-made man. I think it’s decent of him to take the blame."}
{"character": "random", "line": "America is the only place in the world where you can drive up to a fuel station and buy a liquid called \"gas.\" That's funny to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy walks into a bar Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.  Bartender says \"Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line\" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why’s it a bad idea to eat mushrooms for dinner? Because you won’t have mushroom left for dessert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im so sorry internet Whats the differance between being hungry and hornyDepends where the cucumber goes!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Israelis use to find information? Internet n’ Yahoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been sucking up to my boss at work to get a raise, so I told her she looked nice and I liked her perfume. She just started screaming and yelling \"how'd you get in my house!?!\". Now I'm in a cop car.  Think I'll still get it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was devastated that my tag team wrestling partner turned out to be morbidly obese... I say this with a heavy Hart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's this amazing joke about Saudi Arabia's currency, but I forgot where I heard it Then I remembered that I found the Riyal joke in the comments"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Cinderella say while reading Biology? I hate Mitosis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Thomas the Tank become a faster steam engine? He trained."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon? A pheasant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Under President Trump, ISIS continues to spread across Middle East as a fine red mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English? Candidate: Are the thieves from England?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the similarity between me and an experiment involving a biased coin with two tails? The probability of getting a head is zero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is now stable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series. 108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is the anniversary of my great great great grandfather inventing camouflage. Not that anyone noticed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I search Canadian cats in Google... It just gives me a bunch of lynx."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to catch some fog. But I mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Knock, knock.\" \"Who's there?\" \"Alabama.\" \"Anybody with you?\" \"Nope. I'm Alabama self.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are goldfish the most dangerous animal? Because they live in a tank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did i do to escape Iraq? IranDon’t worry this story Israel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'. I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you start a Revolution on a budget? Using a Coup-on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a professional fisherman and a teenage boy? One’s a master baiter, the other’s a masturbator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said \"Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you.\" He was being too forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.So far there has been mixed reviews.People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle. “Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked, “Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!” I gently put my arm around him and replied, “That’s easy son…”“Stop eating caterpillars!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother died recently. We had her cremated.   I think that’s what killed her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is? A right angle. It's always 90 degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer song writer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t plant flowers... ...if you haven’t botany."}
{"character": "random", "line": "cool funny jokes that i can copy and paste on to reddit wait this isn't googleshit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many bones are in the human hand? A handful of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having stomach problems the other day so I went to the doctor for my diarrhea. He gave me a blind fold and told me to wait 20 and that I would be fine and it worked.Now I have gonorrhea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ Or, as it's also known, R gone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter lost her first tooth today I bet she won't touch my X- box again !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women… I'm calling it: Cadaviar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would drive Tiger in the woods? A need for speed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone talks about their stepladder. I grew up with a step stool. Never knew my real stool... But that's okay, everyone tells me he was a piece of crap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At one of his rallies Trump had the crowd chanting 12 more years! Personally I'm hoping for 12 to 20 with time off for good behavior."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We call the hardest working prostitute at a brothel Princess Jasmine Because she’s always got Aladdin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It must be scary dating an adult film star So many jealous step brothers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I told my parents that I'd lost all of my senses except hearing and taste, they kicked me out They won't support me now that they know I'm bisensual"}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is Or what kind of saxophone music he played"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the pizza and tennis racquet get married? At the supreme court"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t photons carry suitcases on vacation? They travel light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than your daughter doing porn? When your stepson joins her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato that gets things done? A facilitater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I confessed to my dad that I have depression I told my dad \"Dad...I'm suicidal\"And he says \"Hi, Suicidal, I'm Dad!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles. I asked her to not be so clothes-minded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend got sick and asked me to call him an ambulance Apparently yelling at him “you’re an ambulance!” is not sufficient."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do space cowboys wrangle their cattle? A tractor beam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I looked at the liposuction tube I realized it could be used to strangle someone... ...making it a weapon of mass reduction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did farmer say when his entire crop died suddenly. What a surprising turnip event.*This is my first attempt at writing a joke, and my wife thinks it's awful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase? I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boris Johnson just had an argument with the cabinet Now he's about to go yell at the table"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I broke up over astrology. She's a Taurus, but I don't believe in bullshit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic? See, you’d think it’s the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said \"Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?\" She responded \"That's because it's an Evian\"Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match... The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.It's because the cons outweigh the pros."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is your name Jasmine? Because you've always got Aladdin side you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Priest: Do you have any idea who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame? Quasimodo: I have a hunch.Priest: Don’t make this about you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Tiger Woods manage to burn down his house? Coz he got rid of all his hose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n Cows go. \n Cows go who? No, cows go moo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Let's make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a Get Well Soon card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, what's the meaning of procrastination? I'll tell you tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves. Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet? He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the ice cream man sell all of his melting product on a hot summer day? He had a liquidation sale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought my grandchildren some crayons. I have to say... ... they make my kin scrawl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think that ultra-violet light might have Asperger's. Its definitely on the spectrum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So two men walk into a tie shop The first men asks \"Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest\"  The second man responds \"nah we will probably end up in a tie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... ...but I don't like to point fingers..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my way to work this morning a bird decided to make its home on top of my head. I went to call someone for help but my phone had run out of power I'm now under a nest without charge"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People don't approve when I run up to them in the street & try to make plaster casts of their faces. At least that's the impression that I get."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef? He spent his day cutting up vegetables"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017\" revealed High school student in poll position"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down Iv never seen that much toasted bread before"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man saw a dog named frost. It wagged its tail as people walked by. The man went to pet it but this dog lashed out and injured his hand.\"I didn't know frost bites.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife? A knife has a point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What film has the best connection? Mulan, there’s only 1 Ping"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Udder Destruction.I swear this joke is funnier in person. Try it, trust me. Panty dropper for sure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They finally got rid of the ghost that was haunting my local pub. I guess he overdid it with the boos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby cause 2 wongs don’t make a white"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Trump change a light bulb? He holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the universe to revolve around him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies. Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the writer who became a baker? They say he makes excellent synonym rolls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team? Allllllllllll righty then!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection, do Librarians get to take suppressors?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the paleontologist call his newest dinosaur discovery, after running out of new or interesting names? The Saurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My stomach hurts, but if it's guilt or impacted stool, I can't tell. Either way, I'm so full of shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dog became a successful lawyer, but has a rivalry with an attorney. One day, the attorney won and the judge threw out the case. The dog said, \"Don't worry, I brought it back to him.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my antidepressants... I hope you are happy now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke from my 8 year old grandson What do you call a Jamaican finger in your belly?Poke, mon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A family takes their sick dog to the vet. The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says \"I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down.\"\"Why?\", asks the shocked family. \"What's wrong with him?\"\"Nothing major\", replied the vet. \"He's just really heavy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard oysters were an effective aphrodisiac, so I ate a dozen. Only four of them worked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my advisor why he didn’t recommend me for dental school. He said I wouldn’t be able to handle the tooth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you not want hide when playing hide and go seek in a hospital? The I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do u give a dog that has high temperature? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten? The cat shat on the mat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not only should masks be mandatory in public spaces But womandatory and childrendatory too"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the printer have wet ink? Because it couldn't control P"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick. Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you clean plate-mail? In the dishwasher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:  \"I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your coconuts, this ain't gonna be your average blowjob.As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I went into the park today and I saw a homeless man sitting on the wishing well with his pants down to his ankles. Well shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’ ‘Yes, of course…’‘Great! I never could before!’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street? Au!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is this election historic? It's the first time we're guaranteed there'll be a cunt in the oval office."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky He gulps them down quickly.  Bartender asks \"What's the occasion?\"Guy replies \"First blowjob\"Bartender \"Wow, can I buy you another?\"Guy retorts \"No, if 3 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the dog survive a flood? Because it was a good buoy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals. But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them... They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? They're very scent-imental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they're bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do polar bears eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Knock, knock.\" \"Who's there?\" \"Nobel.\" \"Nobel who?\" \"Nobel, so I knock knocked.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The elements decided to make a band. They called themselves \"Earth, Fire and Ice\" \"What happened to Air?\"\"He kept blowing them off\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial? He was trans-bender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the coolest disease to die from? Hypothermia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had the greatest sense of a fulfilled purpose back in that marine corps. *wait...stupid autocorrect...**scents *porpoise *corpse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a biker who doesn't believe in Santa? Rebel without a Claus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a job as a regional distributor for Hostess snack cakes... I got Ho-Hos in different area codes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One fine day Husband : Today is a fine day.Annoyed wife : Wh do you keep saying 'Today is a fine day' every day?Husband : You had said it once, \"One fine day, I'll leave this house\".."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know coronavirus is an historic event? Forrest Gump is involved.   ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Almost got on a television show once.... So pissed they cancelled COPS"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't couples do reverse cow girl in Alabama? You don't turn your back on family"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If gays come out of the closet, where do straights come out of? Compton"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how music can take you to another place... For example Meghan Trainor is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the ghost go to for his vacation? He went to Maliboo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So many weird stuff on the internet these days Makes me think if corona virus was just a 'you are what you eat' by a Batman fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening. It’s true.  Current events have made it less attractive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can produce silver just by sniffing. Smelt it with my own nose. **I'll show myself out**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like it when people to change my mind about things Change my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle. Mem-Oreo Day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm sorry you're dealing with imposter syndrome You don't deserve it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What burns longer, a red or a blue candle? Neither, they both burn shorter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match? Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently... ...I couldn't tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A naked woman robbed a bank Nobody could remember her face"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a million dollars as a bicycle shop owner? Start with two million."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter & jelly Never mind I'm afraid you'll spread it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Bear Grylls tell himself when he ran out of water? Urine trouble!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.I thought to myself, \"I really need a new fucking boat.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?\"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.\"He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Derek and Brian are having a drink together. \"You used to play football, didn't you?\" Brian asks Derek.\"Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40.\" replies Derek.\"So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?\" asks Brian.\"I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf.\" answers Derek."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a farmer and a pimp? The farmer makes an honest living with his hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What part of a flower is the brightest? The light bulb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women who wear yoga pants... Are like barb wire fence. They keep the yard safe without obstructing the view."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend takes bets on who's the ugliest person in a crowd. He's a FaceBookie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what did the grain of salt say to the doctor? Doc I think I tore NACL"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 5 naked French men? Deix Nuts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday Christian Bail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Warning to all men about eBay. Be careful what you buy on eBay.If you buy stuff on line, be sure tocheck out the seller carefully.I just spent £95 + postage,on a penis enlarger.Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.The only instructions said, \"Do not use in sunlight.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to COVID-19, North Korea has shut down all of its air and railway routes across its borders with China, and is keeping all foreigners arriving in the country via China isolated for up to one month. TIL People are trying to get into North Korea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex... Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How large is a squirrels home? Approximately 4 squirrel feet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cleaning skeleton? A grim sweeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked into the shop, glimpsing my beard covered in snow as I entered \"You're a few weeks late aren't you Santa?\" the girl behind the counter joked, smiling.\"Ho, ho, ho!\" I fired back at her, in an uncharacteristic misogynistic outburst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites. It's called Fake Newsies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do sumo wrestlers avoid skydiving? Because a fat man  falling to  Japan is a  bad idea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Earlier I saw someone throwing Stephen King books at people. I asked why they were doing that... Then IT hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This chick was beautiful so I asked her if she was a cop Because she took my breath away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About  miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband : Please Call An Ambulance I Think Am Having A Heart Attack... Wife : (Took His Mobile Phone) Quickly, Give Me The Password... Husband : Ooh I Think Am Fine Now..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job as a cashier today... This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, \"I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese..\"I told him clearly, \"I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to learn how to climb a flight of stairs? Just follow these ten simple steps!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Next Time... The other day I drove past your house and you threw a flower at me.Next time could you take it out of the pot?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being a plastic surgeon must be hard... Not even a familiar face to keep you company"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which song would an exception sing? Can't catch me - Avicii"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Japanese people get married. They have a baby boy.A few years later the wife and child both get the same illness. So the husband takes his wife and child to the hospital.He asks the doctor: “What’s wrong with Mii?”The doctor replies: “The same thing that is wrong with Yew.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Irishman put only 239 beans in his stew? Because if he put one more it would be two forty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, \"What's happening!?\" \"The big bad wolf!\" a goat shouted. \"Is meditating!\"\"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.\"Noooo!\" the goat bleated. \"It's become aware wolf!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs invented the Internet. They have used IP protocol long before us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girl is so insecure... Even though she doesn't find any hair on my clothes she still be like \"Who's the bald chick?!\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead. I hope to become a bouillionaire!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly. It’s a little drum attic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake. Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a slice of pizza and a hippie? You don't have to take the crust off of a slice of pizza before you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said \"Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you.\" He was being too forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a serial killer who only kills priests on a Sunday morning. He's a Mass murderer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb. I just can't part with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon? A pheasant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar. And all of Reddit gave it an upvote."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shame about ancient Grecian art... The shame about ancient Grecian art is that there are amazing marble sculptures and structures which too often get taken for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cowboy is riding across the plains when he sees an Indian on his knees with his head on the ground. The Indian looks up at him and says \"Many buffalo come\"The Cowboy asks \"Can you hear them?\"Then Indian says  \" No, ground sticky.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the hospital? Because it wasn't peeling well.credit to my 5 y/o niece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you an angle? Cos I'm sinning to know you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my grandson if he had a newspaper. He said “nobody buys a newspaper anymore, use my iPad” He was shocked when it smashed against the wall. That damn fly never knew what hit it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the JavaScript developer sad? Because he didn't Node how to Express himself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two snails meet. One says to the other: “What’s that bruise you’ve got there?” “Oh, I just went jogging, and a mushroom shot out the ground!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said I don't know, it happened so fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just the one, because they are very efficient and they don't have a sense of humour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle? It was a New York Times' Best Sheller!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work It's a counter strike"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain. Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "-Dad! You shaved my eyebrows while I was sleeping? -Yes, and you don't seem surprised"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial. Instagram"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world. For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl between two posts? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts love to drink? Ghoul Aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, \"Don't worry, it'll grow on you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do atoms decide which one should be put in charge? By having general electrons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The principal at our school once gave detention to a student for illegally downloading Justin Bieber songs online for free. Even worse, he expelled another student who actually *paid* for his album."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the epileptic throw himself into the lettuce patch? He was making a seizure salad.    ....I’ll see myself out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Santa say when he finds out about Mrs. Claus's Only fans? Hoe hoe hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t like people who take drugs… For example, airport security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked in on my grandmother masturbating with a cucumber the other day And I was like \"Damn, i was going to eat that but now it's going to taste like cucumber.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A biology teacher runs into a bank holding a flower. He says \"Everybody on the ground, I have a pistil!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pillow warmer is a stupid idea… Use your head!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elephant Stew ## Ingredients* 1 Elephant * Brown gravy, and lots of it* Salt and pepper to taste* 2 Rabbits (optional)## DirectionsCut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.This should take about 2 months.Add enough brown gravy to cover,cook over... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands. His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: 'See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.' Wife puts the book down and says:' Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.''I've been talking to the goat'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Need help. My Glade air freshener stopped working. I can't find anything wrong with it. It just doesn't make any scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh? A Washington."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost cross the road? Because it was a poultrygeist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a perfume for amphibians? A frogrance  I just made this up. I hope you like it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Donald Trump and Tony the Tiger share in common? Both are orange and both say They're Gr-r-reat!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer. It’s called Prose and Cons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? \"NASA: The Sky's The Limit\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset.. ..they will be paying per fume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Man and God met at bar. Both exclaimed, “*My creator*!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and ask: “What’s your blood group?” The rabbit says: \"I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the American elevator say to the British elevator? You lift bro?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, \"Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?\"\"How dare you\", retorted the woman, \"I'm not some cheap pickup!\"\"Well then\", said the tramp, \"get the fuck out of my bed\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just caught a gorilla spying on me. I said “there is no need to pry mate”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bull that is always felling sleepy? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finding five dollars can make your whole day But making five dollars can make your hole weak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad says the only difference between a good meal and a good time.. is where you put the cucumber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is yellow and climbs trees? A banana stuck in Tarzan's arse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Let's play strip poker. You can strip, and I'll poke you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke for all you sorting by new. A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.An **optimist** sees light at the end of a tunnel.A *realist* sees a freight train.The ***train driver*** sees three morons standing on the train tracks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge to carpenter: \"You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?\" \"Making a bolt for the door, your honour.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the one currency superman can't hold? Kryptocurrency."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Nigerians does it take to change a light bulb? Never mind, I forgot there was no electricity in Nigeria."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two owls siting on a tree branch during a quiet night. One if them suddenly says: \"hoooo hoooooooo\"The other one turns and replies: \"Fuck you Garry, you scared the shit out of me. \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the accountant go crazy? He started to hear invoices in his head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My spirit animal is a bull Because, I too, charge head first into red flags"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't believe my literature teacher is forcing me to read and analyze one of George Orwell's books. It's literally 1984."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss? A conga in an old people's home"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic? See, you’d think it’s the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix. Kid: mmmph.. mmrr..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Ravioli's favourite party game? Pasta parcel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do pickles enjoy their day off? They relish it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a book on anti gravity last night. I found it quite difficult to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police raided my house and found dynamite, wire and a detonator with a plunger Eyes welling with tears, I begged, “PLEASE don’t press charges!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do smartphones ring? Because they can't talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What if there were no hypothetical questions?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the 80's pop band \"A Flock of Seagulls\" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am friends with a farmer and his windmill. One likes country music while the other is a big metal fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town I guess she was having a midwife crisis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NsFw] What was Lorena Bobbitt's favorite form of mischief? Ding dong ditch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics... But then I came to my census"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many redditors on r/jokes does it take to change a lightbulb? 87. 1 to install the replacement and 86 to point out it’s already been used before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease? Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who burnt his house down buy overcooking a Hawaiian pizza? ###He should have cooked it at aloha temperature...I know where the door is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My life highlight was being crowned the hide and seek champion at my school, until they discovered I was cheating I peaked early."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my three year old for a walk and he started crying because I accidentally stood on a toad stool. Not sure why he was so upset, I'm the one with frog shit on my shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So two men walk into a tie shop The first men asks \"Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest\"  The second man responds \"nah we will probably end up in a tie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my sister why she had all those strings tied to her fingers. She didn't remember."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. You start with a diamond and heart and you end with a club and spade."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet? I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed. And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?\"He smiled & replied, \"It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the chicken cross the road? Let's make a list Let's make a list of all the reasons why the chicken crossed the road!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? Wooly jumpers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read a book called anticlimactic... the first half was good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in the supermarket, I saw a man and a woman both dressed as barcodes ... I think they were an item."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Mexican electrician accidentally touched a live wire. He suffered a Corona discharge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters? Because they are filled with anty bodies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who played Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels? Emperor Palpatine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do when you suddenly walk into a tiger and a jaguar? You get in the jaguar and drive off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf? He's inbread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Santa’s favorite type of music? Wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The samurai's autopsy report came back. They found a chink in his armor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Michael Jackson was a feature on Drakes song “Don’t Matter To Me” It’s really cool to see that Drake supports underground artists."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a rental car and a Jeep? There are some places you wouldn't take a Jeep.(I mean taking it off road and abusing it)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy. The forecaster was right. I went outside and someone stole my shoes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job as an Old West saloon piano player when a mysterious stranger walked in the door and I just kept playing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast? It had too much melonin it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome. I swear by it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't digital images of Bob Marley scalable? Because they're all rasta graphics."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?\" The girl leaned over and said:“Burrr… gurrr… King.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never knew my wife could have so much fun with a cucumber, a banana and a coke bottle Until I saw how happy she was making my lunch today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "From my kids: What do you call a pre meal snack for dogs? Appawtizer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan Cast iron"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I own a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt Unfortunately, Stradivari was a horrible painter, and Rembrandt knew nothing about making violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working! I don't go in my kitchen anymore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My personal trainer said she wanted me to do a push workout. I've since been arrested for trying to pull her jogging bottoms down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most logical building in the USA? The US Mint.. it makes a lot of cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a collection of weapons kept for the purpose of burning down buildings? An arsonal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for... Couldn't get a straight answer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I'm not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the Avatar elements? Water, Earth, Fire and Lays chips"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not very good at geography But i know the name of one city in France, which is Nice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the extremes in the political spectrum? Political RectumsExample sentence: It’s impossible to have a civilized discussion with Tim, he is too far right/left up in the Political Rectum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a drug dealing cow? A narcow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tired of me constantly pretending to be a detective, my wife has said that she wants us to split up... I told her it was a good idea.We can cover more ground that way..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach. So, the next day at the beach,  I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me! The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m not surprised Robert Pattinson got Covid He’s wearing his mask wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire Spoiler alert"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not a big fan of people who don't like Peanut Butter Cups I find them to be reesist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Italian say after the hail storm? \"My car! issa Al Dente.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Different body parts rate each other The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "r/jokes now has a discord channel! Great!! Now I can see reposted jokes in real-time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "- Did you know that airplanes black boxes are actually orange? - What? I thought they were boxes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man caught his sister masturbating with a cucumber. Man: \"Eww! That's my dinner! You're making it taste like cucumber!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio. Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine Calcium and Iron? A cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the table made out of tires? It probably took a good year or two to make it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, \"State your name, occupation, and the charge.\"The defendant said, \"I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery.\"The judge winced and said, \"Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Snow White say when the printer jammed? Someday my prints will come!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said \"Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "*At the library* “Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”“Left corner, on the top shelf!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said \"who the f@#k are you?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my wife is fed up with my dad jokes and asked me to stop telling them. Me: how do you want me to stop?Wife: whatever means necessary.Me: ...? No it doesn't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate? Taiwanasaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies. I think she's dumpling me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Cthulhu wear a tie? With an Eldritch knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, doctor, I can't stop wearing transparent underpants. Well, I can clearly see your nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "English is not my first language. My American girlfriend texted me, \"myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative\"What is a ternative?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food? That's a basil-less accusation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the explosion at the Nissan factory? It was raining Datsun cogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pope Francis has cancelled the Easter events this year due to COVID-19. I guess he’s just gonna Passover it this year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation. They said I had a pre existing condition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one math book say to the other? \"Don't bother me. I've got my own problems.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground.. ..take it out, flip it over and lower again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture. The stewardess asked \"What the heck is that?\"He said \"It's my carri-on luggage\"*sorry sorry sorry*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Thanks for the gold, kind stranger\" I told as I was taking away his dental implant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen? Moscow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "['hip', 'hip'] (hip hip array)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer. The bartender refuses to serve them and asks them to leave.When the brain asks why, the bartender says, \"Well, you're clearly out of your head, and I think you're friend is going to try to start something!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man ask his boss for more salad? He thought he was due a celery increase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "hey guys im trying out jokes, What do you get when oxygen and iron meet? Ah darn, I forgot the punchline. Sorry guys Im a little rusty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park I asked him \"Why are you eating grass?\"He said \"I am very hungry\"I replied \"Oh, okay then. Come with me.\"You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out. Her kids don't help either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It is hard to find a good book They are all under cover"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A termite walks into a bar and says... 'Where is the bar tended?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think the name Jack Hiscock is bad You should feel even worse for his sister, Sharon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you come across a man eating crocodile? Wipe it off, apologize, and leave him to finish his exotic meal in peace."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The recipe said, \"Set the oven to 180 degrees.\" But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he's flying? A Bill-in-air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to dis-a-brie?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to be an engineer for Canadian pacific railways... But they said they couldn't train me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do if you see a BMW using a turn signal? Call the police, it's obviously stolen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Would you like the soup or salad? Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas? Corollavirus. Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry He has selfie steam issues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How warm is a janitor's closet? Broom Temperature."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the motorcycles get in the carpool? Because they didn't have trunks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's an absolute treasure.... By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still remember my grandmother’s last words. ‘What’re you doing with that pillow?’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I knew a nun once who was addicted to wearing clothes a third of her size. I never could figure out how she got into the habit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event. Authorities believe it to be race-related."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball? Because they’re fucking dead"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets. Hindsight is 2020."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet... I thought, “Well he's pushing his luck!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 knights walk into a bar with their swords. The bartender sees them walk in and asks, “why are you taking your swords in here with you?”The knights say, “in case of mimics.”The knights laugh, the bartender laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree. I heard he called Mercury a star."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on banging on the wall at 3:00 A.M. It's really disrupting my drumming practice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So the police have a new slogan. So the police in my area have a new slogan that they altered from the post office. Rain nor shine nor sleet or hail will keep your ass out of jail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope the far east finally collaborates with the u.s. on eradicating the virus. I mean, it's Christmas day, we could use the good China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've lost my dad! Five year old Tim was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, \"I've lost my dad!\"The policeman said, \"What's he like?\"\"Beer and women!\", Tim replied"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.Yeah, I know its Def Leppard, auto correct messed that up for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teacher goes for a walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it. The lamb gives her a weird look and runs away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only a fisherman will understand the struggle Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs. The doctor says to the nurse, \"Give him two Viagra.\" The nurse asks, \"How will that help?\" The doctor replies, \"It will keep the sheets off his legs.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a tendency to run around naked... So every morning I spray myself with Windex, to prevent me from streaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to help my pet snail. He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking. If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I shocked myself on the power outlet today It doesn't feel good. It hertz"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called to be stuck in a card game Solitairey confinement"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unexpected She: Why is your shirt smudged with ink blots?He: I refilled a printer cartridge at work today.Octopus under their bed: *whispers* Tell her about us, you chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mechanic: \"When were your tires last rotated?\" Me: \"On the way here, silly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a conversion from centimeters to inches? an erection"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Montenegro’s internet domain say when it broke up from Yugoslavia? It’s not .yu it’s .me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course... Man: Well, someone's going to be six under!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a surgeon/mailman Overall I do a lot of de-livering"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Cellos are brown Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park? - For busting a nut in public view"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I tucked some receipts from Bitcoin into an exotic dancer's panties. My first use of stripto currency."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If obi wan kenobi ever made a drug den he would call it.. The High Ground"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine you're stuck in the ocean, surrounded by sharks. What do you do to save your life? Stop imagining."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In highschool, my girlfriend and I were asked to rearrange PNSEI to form a word She said Spine and went on to become a doctor.And the rest of us are reading this on reddit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Putin on a trip. Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:Agent: age?Putin: 66Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’ve heard about the driver that was tired But have you heard of the cyclist that didn’t show up cause he was two tired?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[Game of Thrones S7 Spoiler] What do Dragons call Jon Snow? Motherfucker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Jack Daniels and General Custer? General Custer stopped killing Indians 140 years ago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like... trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna last longer in bed? Forget to set an alarm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Because the Hurricane Made Landfall at Night... ...does that make it Florence Night-in Gale?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you define a farmer? Someone who is good in their field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why don't astronomers like Orion's Belt? A: It's a big waist of space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey...but then I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Quick tip on how to get lots of views on your Reddit posts Label it NSFW and repost (credit to a dozen other people)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet. I bet she is plotting something against me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’ll NEVER believe THIS secret of how African fisherman are talking to worms to MAXIMISE their catch! Sorry, but this is click bait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says \"I can't find any milk for my coffee\"The second says \"in space, no-one can. Here, use cream\"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my second shot now..... Waiting for the bartender to come back so that I can have a third shot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the occupation that has the most likely hood of putting people in the hospital? Paramedic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Swan symbolizes happiness, then what bird symbolizes True Love? The Swallow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table? A *circonference*."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My nan's got dementia the poor sod, all she does is stand there looking through the window Maybe one day, i'll let her in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa have prostate cancer? Because he only cums once a year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I gave my food to a beggar..... ....and today the beggar gave me a book titled \"HOW TO COOK\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, \"Sorry about your weight.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when an injured man dies from food poisoning? Soup de grace."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar.. Any help would be appreciated.Cheers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot? Or am I just shoving mine up too far?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say \"Congrats!\"... When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say \"Congrats!\". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say \"Well done!\".Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never ask a skunk for their opinion. You might get their 2 scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend always wanted to get run over by a steam train... So when it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m like a cat when it comes to kids I don’t really enjoy the product But I love playing with the box it came out of."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boss: Why do you- Me: *sshhh*Boss: What is your biggest wea-Me: *sshhh*Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a goat that likes cleaning? A roomba-a-aa-aa.(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chick asked me for a meal I told her i don't serve food."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? SnowballsCourtesy of my daughter who comes home and asks if I want to hear a \"dirty joke\" she overheard from some elder school mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? They had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why? They had UV protection in front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a used shirt from someone from Chernobyl Third hand"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common? They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Steve got his lungs injured in army? Sergeant told him to blow up the tank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with explosive diarrhea? One of them shucks between fits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened.. The Dentist told her she needs a crown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer? Thanks, Obama."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man talking to his Wife. Husband: Babe Do you believe in Heaven.?Wife: Yeah, why.?Husband: When we die, would you like to meet up with me in Heaven.?Wife: Fuck off, the deal was until death do us part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lysol's marketing department are trying out some new angles to generate sales. They claim that one bottle can clean an entire family of dolphins! It's the best multi-porpoise cleaner on the market!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Apple created the $700 wheels... Did they expect profits to start rolling in?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a hurricane, a tornado and a red neck divorce all have in common? In every case, someone loses a trailer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John was the best liver surgeon in his hospital. I guess you could say he always de-livered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well,would you? If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm going to cash in on the success of Avengers: Infinity War by opening a comics themed sandwich shop. It'll be called *Soup or Hero*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue.... It's called a dictionary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My banking app isn't working! I called their customer support and they said we can try deleting your cache!I was like hell no!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park. Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ... ... he made a bolt for the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain. The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.The lookout replied, \"Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good.\"The captain responded, \"Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called AMC customer service to ask if I could use popcorn vouchers to cover a margin call. The short answer is no."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate? He looked like a fucking idiot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Protons have mass? Never knew they were Catholic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. \"I'd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,\" he says. \"Sorry, but I can't serve you,\" the bartender replies. \"You're out of your head.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once met a girl who confused a tube of KY Jelly with super glue I asked her how it happened, but sadly her lips were sealed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends and I are starting a Cover band We're called Saran Saran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Haunted House Idea: A room full of women saying \"I'm fine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did they call the conflict between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr? The Ham-Burr-Grrr.I'm not even sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?” I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs? He will build alternative fact-tories"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set Pretend that I have one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage. It was a tern for the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the similarity between my uncle and sharks? The both prey on schools"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey lost his left hand in a motorcycle accident? Now he's allright, allright, allright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dumb and Dumber were fired from the M&Ms factory Dumb and Dumber were fired from the M&Ms factory for tossing all the Ws!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The award for 1st place in the feline bottom competition was stolen last night. Organisers say it was a... Cat-ass-trophy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you guys hear the one about the perfume factory that went out of business? Nevermind, it doesn't really make scents anymore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Lady Gaga unzip files on windows? RAR, RAR-ah-ah-ah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch's motorcycle make? BROOM, BROOOOOM!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy is sworn in as a witness in a court case. Before the attorneys start to question him, he gets the attention of the judge. Witness: Excuse me your Honor, but could you tell me what time it is?Judge (looking at his watch): It's 10:30 a.m.Witness: Thank you. I have no further questions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wow, I'm getting a $1200 check from the President I feel kind-of like Stormy Daniels.  ...well actually this check is for a future stimulus, Stormy's was a check for a past stimulus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year’s resolution is I’m gonna be less condescending. (Condescending means talking down to people btw )"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] I had my first boxing match yesterday It reminded me of the time I lost my virginity, I was bloody and really sore, but at least my dad came"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wire just fell from the ceiling I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words, she said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I... ...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Instructions unclear The first time I tried to bake a cake I followed the instructions to the letter, but it was a disaster — I almost burned the house down. The fireman told me that when it said to grease the bottom of the pan they really meant the inside of the pan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do Cow Farts come from? The Dairy Air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hurricane walks into a bar The owner doesn’t have insurance so his life is pretty much ruined."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Tupac say when he drove a steam train? *I didn't choose the chug life, the chug life chose me.*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question. “Well you see,” The English teacher explained. “‘Life without parole’ is a phrase.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the burger cook who took a dump on the grill? He totally flipped his shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pirate say on his th birthday? Aye Matey!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down.So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that the Hindi word for \"penny\" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man cover himself in fake shit? Because it was _sham poo_"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse,And turned its wool to nylon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was talking to my parents over dinner, my Mom said she was getting tired of the Bernie Sanders memes. I looked over to her and said \"Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich? It was neck and neck the whole way."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just accused me of having zero sense of empathy. I have no idea how she can feel that way."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 5-year-old niece's twist on an old pirate joke **Question:** Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet?**Answer:** Because his 'I' was all jacked up.*...she cracks me up*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are synthetic fibres like the police? They don't let you breathe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is there a hole in your shoe? No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Santa say when he finds out about Mrs. Claus's Only fans? Hoe hoe hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the circumcision doctor quit when he hadn’t gotten his paycheck yet? He already had all the tips he needed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new internet provider is owned by a fisherman Terrible service, takes all day to get a byte"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a skeleton's favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" \"Don't call me later, call me Dad.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to dis-a-brie?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the coffee bean go to the Halloween part? It was grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What three words do people dread hearing the most during sex? \"Honey, I'm home!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors. So that it could hide in the crayon box.  Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass... he's been working ever since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car. He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If anyone in the North East U.S. gets a chance to look at the moon tonight It's completely out of this world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield? I used my discount card but could only get 20% off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, \"Name?\"\"Hans Muller\" replies the German.\"Occupation?\"\"No, just visiting this time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A butcher was selling a barrel of pork For 600 dollars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a playlist for when I go hiking It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two blondes are in geography class together... One asks the other\"Which is closer, London or the moon\"The other replies\"The moon, obviously, can you see London?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked an Italian plastic surgeon what he uses for breast implants He just replied \"Si\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing. I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands. His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: 'See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.' Wife puts the book down and says:' Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.''I've been talking to the goat'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.” The bank really needs to get their life together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace.\" \"Really? That old chestnut?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you guys know which has become the most expensive streaming service of all times ? University"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids. However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets. She came home in the morning, and her husband asked:”How much did you make?”“$804” she said“Which idiot gave you $4 ???” he asked“Well... everyone...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the Japanese hate Christmas? Because the last time a Fat Man came to town, they lost half their population."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do europeans have a foot fetish? No, they have a centimeter fetish.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts drink at parties? BOOOOOZE!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it's just deplorable all the sexist people who want to undermine Katherine Bouman's role in the black hole photo. we all know with NASA's budget they could of never afforded a man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the laziest person at the factory keep a cucumber in their pocket? They wanted everyone to think they were working hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Urinal etiquette tips It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends? In an explosion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won! The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War? Trump dodged the Vietnam War."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the toupee say to the hat? Cover me, I’m going on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a big shark with a huge dick? Megalodong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the quickest way to discard an old bike? Put a lock on it an place it in downtown Vancouver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should we make shoelaces out of earphone/headphones wires? Cause they would tie themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a group of crows is a murder... ...then a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with two legs shorter than the others? Mussolini"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad. I said, \"Na. Pretty sure it is OK.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the destruction of large acres of lands? A massacre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom. So I switched them out for red bull."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sharks and people have in common? All the great ones are white."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. \"What's the story?\" she asked. \"Just crap in the carburator,\" the mechanic replied. \"How often do I have to do that?\" asked the blonde."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying \"I TOLD YOU SO!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor? He was constantly thinking about his next line"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you don't have a lot of work experience, but you have a lot of ex-girlfriends \"Progressive problem solving skills in an increasingly difficult work environment, with ever increasing productivity goals, only for the company to downsize and lay you off because 'it wasn't you, it was me' reasons.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend died when she saw a wild ox wearing a knitted jumper. It was a Cardi Yak arrest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What fish is made out of two sodium atoms? 2 Na"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I heard Australia just ordered a mass cull of over 5000 camels yesterday... Wouldn't be the first time a drunk Aussie polished off a pack of camels in an afternoon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy? beats me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? \"Hey there bud!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My leaf blower doesn't work. It just sucks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Need your eggs fertilized this Easter? I've got a cock for that.  Just needs grains 2x a day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park I guess he had a licence to grill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know it's way too soon, but... How many times did Tiger's SUV roll? FOUR!!!I'm going to Hell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court,\" he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon. It’s considered a sin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In what California city did the Flintstones’ family pet forget to apply his sunblock? Sunburnadino"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a British rockstar’s favorite meal? Head bangers and mosh pit-tatoes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father taught me to be reserved and respectful, he said “Son, no one likes a cocky asshole” “Well, except for uncle Brian and the guy from the hair salon”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brain is like an F-22 Raptor Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman goes to the doctor and says, \"Doctor, can you help me!? I've hurt my hand!\" The doctor takes a look and says, \"It's nothing too serious, you've pulled a mussel.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman: why do you keep beating your wife?? Me: I think it's the weight difference, the longer reach, and superior footwork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and the hitchhiker in my car have in common? They are both in an advanced state of D composition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I got 1$ for every geography test I failed I could finally understand that I live in Europe, where these are worthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony... He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him. It was the incel's Excel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?\"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.\"He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened? 'Buns n Hoses'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself... Now there's someone who could use a good paddle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.” I simply replied “copyright”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Trump had been editor of the Sun, \"Virginia\" would have received a much different answer... No."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never get into arguments with ballerinas they always have a strong point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli(I'm sorry I'll leave now...)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is baseball mentioned in the bible? Yes!In the \"big inning\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Evangelists don’t need health care. They’re on the single prayer system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France today De Brie was everywhere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a powdered soup factory, until I started coughing up little cubes of tofu... I was forced to retire, after being diagnosed with Miso-thelioma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did pirates eat oranges? For the vitamin SEA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle. “Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Say what you want about suicide jumpers. I think they used all of their potential."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today... It drew blood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake? He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[All credit to Ana Kasparian from the TYT Network] So, I heard Kim Kardashian is having Kanye West's baby... At least she let him finish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield? I used my discount card but could only get 20% off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes we get the joy of Friday, but with the misery of Monday swirled in I call it... A Monday-Friday Sunday"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper  Never mind—it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My middle eastern friend was held at gunpoint. He told me he was able to get out of the situation,  I asked him, “How?”He said“Iran”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films. He's going to call it Nyetflix."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing? A Def Leppard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens in a library bathroom? People take shhhhhhhits"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman has just given birth to her child. The doctor holds the newborn child at both feet, upside down, then slams it three times on the wall. The mother is shocked! The doctor consoles: «April fools! Was already dead!»"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq. Anyway I asked him where he was off to.\"To change a light bulb\" he replies.\"Won't that be difficult?\" I ask.\"Nah\" he says, \"I've still got the receipt\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read a book about Oedipus and Midas. It was mother fucking gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey stepdad, can you tell me how an elevator is different from an escalator? No stepson"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning my alarm went off early. I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why can't you ever run through a campsite? A: You can only ran - it's always past tents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. Now I'm the C-I-E-I-O."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross Halloween with rugby? Drop ghouls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place-the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, What do you want? The man says, Oh, just some fruit punch. The bartender sighs and shakes his head, If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line. The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you turn a kitten into a cow? You marry her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... \"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?\" He asked. \"Where were you educated?\"\"Yale,\" replied the young accountant.\"Such a grand university - what is your name?\"\"Yim Yohansen\" replied the accountant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are accountants so good in bed? They excel at making spreadsheets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought my nephew a pair of airpods for his birthday. The kid was so ungrateful, he didn't even say thank you. He just started throwing up gang signs at me.I think he's fallen into a bad crowd ever since he went deaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters? Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts... ... It makes no cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it... Because revenge is a dish best served cold"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy is sworn in as a witness in a court case. Before the attorneys start to question him, he gets the attention of the judge. Witness: Excuse me your Honor, but could you tell me what time it is?Judge (looking at his watch): It's 10:30 a.m.Witness: Thank you. I have no further questions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees. Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom? Because number two shocked him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play drums when I was little, and I stopped after a couple years. But during my teenage years I forced myself to relearn the instrument just so I can show the world that I’m not afraid of repercussion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Turns out my grandma is with WSB As I was leaving her house yesterday, she just gave me $50 and said \"Buy darling\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just been thrown out by security and told never to return to the hospital again. It turns out the Stroke Unit isn't what I thought it was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches. They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you made of Copper, Nitrogen, Terbium, and Silver? Because you are a CuNTbAg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean... It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself \"I really need to shave my ass\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's nothing in the Guinness Book about digital DJs. They don't hold any records."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory? The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist They said it wasn’t fair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean... I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there's a new Bread simulator game on Steam.. It's a great game if you're just loafing around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called the RSPCA I called the RSPCA today and said, \"I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.\"\"That's terrible,\" the woman on the phone replied. \"Are they moving?\"\"I'm not sure, to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase’’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What resolution do white supremacists prefer? 3K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say when bees colonize your chest cavity and start a farm? Bees till my beating heart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you add whiskey to a drink and raise the price... The drink got Jacked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rich blonde woman from Beverly Hills was at the dentist about to get her tooth pulled. The dentist asked, \"Do you want a local anesthetic?\" She shook her head and said, \"Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. I only want the best! Do you have anything imported?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a \"Grilled Cheese\" after a few days in the fridge? Chilled Grease"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her! I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a terrible mistake this morning. I got out of bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the circumcision doctor quit when he hadn’t gotten his paycheck yet? He already had all the tips he needed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Travolta tested negative for Coronavirus last night. Turns out is was just a Saturday Night Fever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hurricane named Florence and no \"Aunt Flo\" jokes? Hope there's no red tide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office Trump remarks,\"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion.\"Bill Gates says,\"But I'm worth 90 billion.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony? The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.Who is the most popular woman?The one who can eat the last doughnut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool. Will you choose the former or the latter?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brain is like a government computer It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does your mum and Jupiter have in common They both take care of the most amount of offspring within their group, while having to deal with a harsh and unstable environment...And they weigh over 20 quadrillion tons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a grenade dropped in a church? A weapon of Mass destruction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, \"I wonder if the have any colored printers.\"I replied, \"Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America. They will call it USB."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man touched a bare wire to see what would happen. What happened next shocked him. He remained unharmed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stupid kid joke: Why was the sand at the beach wet? Because the sea wee'd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business. I Am Grout"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If there's one thing that always makes me throw up...It's a dart board on the ceiling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grizzly bear can jump higher than a house. Mainly because houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it... Apparently, she left me two days ago..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection So she says, \"hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in.\"True stories can be jokes too.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store? Picking his nose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house I am home, but he was Homer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking bad I was talking to someone about Breaking Bad and they asked me if I remembered who Hector Salamanca was, I told them that he rings a bell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago? K, 9."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does elephant and rabbit have in common? They both start with letter R if elephants name is Raul"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why hasn’t baseball returned from covid shutdown? They are unable to test all the bats"}
{"character": "random", "line": "No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear what that guy on the east coast said? I dont know either he wasn't pacific."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Come in number 9, your time is up. Boss, we've only got 8 boats. Number 6, are you in trouble?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone! Eh?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when bigfoot stomps on your garden? Squash"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the letter arrive wet? Because it had postage dew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Mia Khalifa's favorite tv channel? BBC News"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat. We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Turtle beat the Hare? It used a razor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know that your cat’s a free thinker? It shits outside the box"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear... I overheard him telling his colleague that I had \"Serious healthy shoes\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do people in the Middle East bid farewell to each other? They Dubai"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young man is writing his grandmother a letter His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.She can’t read very fast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not saying my local pub is rough.. but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father goes to see his newborn grandson at the hospital When he holds his grandson for the first time, he looks at his son and says with tears in his eyes \"I'm a grandpa!\"Tears come to his sons eyes as he replies \"Hi Grandpa, Im dad.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you a USB port? Because I might have to flip you over a few times before it fits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you don’t qualify for a Nobel Peace Prize... ... Go for the Darwin Award!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl are you corona? Cuz you took my breath away Her: boy are you Corona? Cuz I want to stay the fuck away from you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone! Eh?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two nuns are in a dark closet, the first nun says \"Where's the candle?\" The second replies \"Sure does\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asks his Uncle: \"Oh Uncle! How did you break your legs?!\" The Uncle replies: *You see those stairs going downwards?*Boy: *Yeah*Uncle: *I didn't*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA) Water because butane is a lighter fluid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally came out of the closet today It took me forever to find the doorknob"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don't correct themselves They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed. I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound My friend looked up and said \"holy cow\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom The giraffe says \"pass the soap, please\"And the elephant says \"no soap, radio!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the wheel invented? In Tyre"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them. When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cop say when their stomach started growling? Stop! You're under a vest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who got his face ripped off by a leopard? He's alt-right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where the experts are As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was sentenced to death because be wouldn't stop banging on about the size of his testicles. He was publicly hung."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that's comparing apples to oranges."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters like to party? At the g-rave-yard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do skeletons know what is about to happen? They can feel it in their bones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the leader of the hot dog race say to the others? You better ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists. Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does Luke Skywalker like to vacation? The HimaLeah"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a printer nicknamed Bob Marley Because it's always Jammin'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen? I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "R. Kelly has been denied bail The judge believed he was a flight risk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "That Kool-Aid Man is a terrible actor Always breaking the fourth wall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Out of all the aspects of Tigers game Nobody ever faulted his driving...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had to call out of work because of pink eye This weed hit me like a brickwall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American and a Russian were talking in a bar The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free. \"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout \"Death to the American President\" and nothing happens to me.\" Hearing this the Russian smirked\"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout \" Death to the American President\", nothing bad happens to me either\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I own a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt Unfortunately, Stradivari was a horrible painter, and Rembrandt knew nothing about making violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the longest word in the English language? \"smiles\"...The first and last letters are a mile apart"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met the world's riches fisherman today \"What's your net worth?\" I asked.\"This one was about £10\" he replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the biggest difference between a crayon and your ex? The crayon is non-toxic!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do clowns store files? They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bug imprisoned in a bottle of perfume say? I’m in-a-scent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness. The new name being \"U.O.K.?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the doc says I need to cut back on sodium, I take it with a grain of salt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ready for a COVID-19 Silver Lining? I might actually get social security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hammerhead shark do on his test? He nailed it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are a lot of scams on the internet... For a low price of $69 I can show you how to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side, It's no longer a Q-tip.It's askew-tip.>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"It's a revolution!\" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Scared the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ? Fizzyscists"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just started my Vegan diet. They're a bit chewy, but better than kale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do elves wash their hands? With Santa-tiser. Credit to Greencross Vets in Port Macquarie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend got a job at the power plant. He now refers to his occupation as a “ohm maker”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Space colonization I: :think: :I: :may: :have: :figured: :it: :out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank...... Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked \"why is that book so thick?\" Then i told him \"its a long story\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the pasta makers in Italy revolted? It was a ravioli-tion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans The host comes up to him and asks, \"What are you supposed to be?\"\"I'm a premature ejaculation,\" he responds.\"I don't understand.\"\"Oh, I just came in my pants.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Such an unfair world, when a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $5.00/min (charges may vary)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "UK is a very generous country It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The relationship between the Physics teacher and biology teacher in my brother's school didn't last long... They had no chemistry et. al."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal Feel free to go fuck yourself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago. He comes to me this summer and he goes... \"Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell him he will be held back a year.\"I was like, \"I guess you better tell him slowly so that he will get it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what they say about the French royal family? It was a good idea on paper but they lost their heads in the execution."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm in a band called colon explosion. People say our music's the shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. \"Why would you want to do that?\" one of the board members asked. \"So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a man in the park with a wooden leg named Smith. I asked him what his other leg was called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common? They're both filled with Plastic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Irish dinosaur? Pter O'dactyl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We're renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget? The Secondhand store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021"}
{"character": "random", "line": "so now it’s cool to walk into the bank with gloves and a mask but when i wanted to do it, it was a felony"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just put C4 in my washer And blew my load"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Cleveland Indians have officially decided on a new team name. Say hello to your new Cleveland Redskins!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Marshawn Lynch sit in the back at the Kid's Choice awards? He's just there so he won't get slimed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit... But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance  You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's not hard to survive a bear attack... so long as you do the bear minimum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help... There's no way the kid could take on all three of us"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy told me a joke about oxygen and potassium It was O K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Barca fans eat anything this morning? Because they 8-2 much last night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just love the way the earth rotates It really makes my day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been seeing a light bulb sales girl lately... Her name is Ellie DeeShe really lights up my life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the oyster's girlfriend leave him? He was shellfish in the seabedNo, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What job offers are there for someone without a brain? The head of state."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights. Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target. tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the Apostle Paul, Bon Jovi and Manfred Mann's Earth Band all have in common? They were all \"blinded by the light\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just released my own fragrance No one else in the car liked it though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents are rich... Edit: I’m rich and I need a shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender says \"Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here.\"The helium doesn't react."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you clean plate-mail? In the dishwasher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A monkey asks another monkey - What are you doing?- Eating a banana.- But why is it brown?- Because I'm eating it the second time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My resolution this year is the same as last year. 1920x1080"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad just got a tall new grill and I’m worried he’ll get hurt trying to use it. The steaks have never been higher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother was pissed at me when he found out I mated his wife He bet $100 she would beat me in a game of chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: \"Yes, It is a serious problem.\"71% of respondents answered: \"No es una problema seriosa.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My pandemic no-shaving challenge is going great! I haven't shaved before work in months! I also haven't worked in months."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday... They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over. I think I missed Mike ache day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.It was a sham rock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing! And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield? I used my discount card but could only get 20% off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle is an archeologist.. He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle was crushed by a piano.... His funeral was very low key"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All the comic books I inherited from my older brother had their last pages missing. I had to draw my own conclusions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is a better cyclist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "hard to find coins, hard to find killer... A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.... He's the spokesman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back. She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sweatshirt on the ledge of the tower bridge? A jumper!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said to me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.” I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that Virginia's Governor and First Lady actually met on a dating web site? It was called OKKKCupid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] How did the turtle finally lose his virginity? He came out of his shell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 5th month of every year, my aunt let's her pigs in the field.... It's mayham!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan? He died of dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pancakes always score a bunch of runs in baseball? They have the best batter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moovies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the hospital? He wasn't peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do turtles communicate with each other? With shell phones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper? A: Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customary tipping rules For food and beverage service individuals, it’s customary to tip 18% of the bill. For valet drivers, a fiver.For singers, a tenor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak? February 14th"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a barbie toy is in a line for a grill? A barbie-que"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ive heard so much about the Eye of the Tiger, But why does nobody talk about the other four letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hispanic girls can not be a man's peace. Its literally in their name. (His)(panic)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TEACHER: Today you'll give an example of a pronoun each and form a sentence with it. JOHN: HERTEACHER: Ok, your sentence?  JOHN: Give her her book. It's hers. TEACHER: That's good. Yes who's next? DAVE: HIMTEACHER: Your Sentence?DAVE: Give him him book. It's hims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman was told to send a facsimile copy of their child’s medical records to a specialist when their child fell very ill. She didn’t deliver, the child died, turns out she was anti-fax."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call a North Korean news channel? The Medium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.  It was pointless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a failed brain surgery? The patient loses its mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of biscuits fly? Wee plain ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all knew 2020 is going to be a horrible year We just expected it to be filled with 2020 visions jokes, rather than a deadly virus, locust swarms and murder hornets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!” I said “Well which one are ya then?!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves? Intermitten"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man called the wrong number... \"I believe you have the wrong number,\" said the old gentleman into the phone.  \"You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information.\" \"Who was that?\" his young wife asked. \"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the pentagon which lost an angle? It got squared up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet. How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum... But now, they have security cameras everywhere [not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you steal a coat? You jacket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I looked at the liposuction tube I realized it could be used to strangle someone... ...making it a weapon of mass reduction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him I asked him “Are you the friar?”He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know that your cat’s a free thinker? It shits outside the box"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room? You washer and dryer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters'PNEIS'and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors today while rest are on Reddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl who never masturbates? You call her a liar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that... ...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll. They’re the troll kin white guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently my family is racist I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Popeye like his martini prepared? One Olive on the rocks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dentist to put in a new tooth that matched my other teeth He put in tooth with 4 cavities."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a parking lot with only two spaces It’s really a parking little."}
{"character": "random", "line": "God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today. God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event. Authorities believe it to be race-related."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan? weird flecks, but okay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?\" Grandma replies \"Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan Cast iron"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister had a baby to save the relationship... But i still don’t talk to her.Credit: anthony jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Found a human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised.... ... I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant. She has the worst stutter ever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment? It won't get better if you picket it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on No, I don't think they'll fit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "farmer: how many cows got out? **me:** seventeen**farmer:** round 'em up**me:** ok twenty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnelvision? (OC... you can probably tell) All ICY is you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "George Clooney creates an iTunes playlist and fills it with various cartoon soundtracks. Clooney Tunes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts\" \"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .And my client did exactly that. I rest my case \"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Muslim tailor make so many veils? It's hijab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you compliment a Venezuelan girl? Tell her she looks like a trillion bucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "15 When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't worry if your parachute won't open. You'll have the rest of your life to fix it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I'm not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mate quit the rat race to become an apple farmer, and now he's whining about how much work it is. So I told him to just grow a pear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Roses are red, violets are red, if you aren’t red, you get shot in the head.” \\-Stalin 1946"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The electric components under my drivers side seat all started smoking and burning out of nowhere... In terms of looking for a new car...this has really lit a fire under my ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of trophy do you get when you’ve seen a traumatic amount of cat asses in your life? A catastrophe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me we're starting drug testing next week.. I said no prob, but I ain't trying meth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when a basketball player gets a lung infection? LeBronchitis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the egg say to the frying pan? I’m sorry I can’t get hard... I just got laid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it's just deplorable all the sexist people who want to undermine Katherine Bouman's role in the black hole photo. we all know with NASA's budget they could of never afforded a man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her! I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do folks in Kentucky do when their car breaks down? Build a house next to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... \"See?  See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?\" The sheep says \"Myyyyyyyy god.  You weren't lying...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy. So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate being locked inside a microwave It really makes my blood boil"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer. “Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris. \"Nationality ? \" asks the immigration officer. \"German,\" she replies. \"Occupation?\" \"No, just here for a few days.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.” “Yes, I see the problem,”  The engineer responds.  “We just can’t draw any current.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A customer walks into a bank... ...and tells the cashier: \"Good morning. I've come to pay the final installment on the loan used to buy a baby stroller\"Cashier: \"That's wonderful. And how is the baby doing?\"Customer: \"I'm doing alright, thank you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas? Because they weren't getting a square meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cat on the beach? Sandy Claws. Happy holidays everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money. Well *I* laughed when he said it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy asks his grandmother... \"Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD\". Granny replies, \"Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked. Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do scientists keep their breath fresh? Experamints"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do game companies do with their old successful games? Post Mortem, most port em."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whew, I’m so tired... I could be an 18 Wheeler"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties? Because they are formyl group."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden? An artificial Swedener"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hear you, brother \\- Pity me sir, I have a wife and six children, said the beggar.  The gentleman replied:  - Dear fellow! Accept my heartfelt sympathy, so have I!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend was raving about our neighbors Marble Countertops. I was unimpressed, but maybe I just took them for Granite"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pushed a fan over It blew up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, do you know why it's so dark out? No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tie two Hondas together? ...with Accord"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors Carole Baskin And Robin's"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most laidback dinosaur of all? The Trankylosaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy got into a debate about flat bread being used for sandwiches. We decided it was a naan issue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried asking girls out at a Star Wars convention I've been looking for love in Alderaan places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target. tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At what point does a Lamb become a Sheep? When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was recently admitted to the emergency room because of a tendency to talk with his hands too much. He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation And I've gotta say, it really shucks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Willis has admitted to making an \"error of judgement\" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said... \"I see dead people.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner. However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~"}
{"character": "random", "line": "While performing I asked the crowd to give me a hand. When I was given a hand, I realised I should have thought twice about performing at the Leper Colony."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t understand why I’m still gaining weight... ...I’ve added a salad to every meal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People make mistakes That's why a pencil has an eraser and Katie has gonorrhea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandma said I she’d knit whatever I want if I pick the yarn... So I bought her some steel wool and asked her to knit me a car"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a chemical factory worker? Write down the word *'unionized'* and ask them to pronounce it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How To Climb A Ladder: The Complete Guide Step 1: Step 1Step 2: Step 2Step 3: Step 3Step 4: Step 4Step 5: Step 5"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which city is the capital of food porn? Nuttingham"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baker say when she won an award? \"It was a piece of cake.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the child who wouldn't nap guilty of? Resisting a rest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you spell the words \"Absolutely Nothing\" backwards, you get \"Gnihton Yletulosba,\" which ironically means...Absolutely nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down his genes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just put my father's ashes in the bin. I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa Claus is a douchebag... He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she’s been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a ho."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Two steaks please\", I asked the writer. \"Rare for me, medium rare for my friend.\" He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret. It tanked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know the story of the ugly duckling? Pretty fowl story"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them. When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do all the naughty pancakes go? Flipping Hell!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Exclamations can really change a sentence. For example:I like eating pizza.I like eating exclamations."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Laughing on the internet is not allowed It’s against the lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cannibals eat pancakes? They wait by tall buildings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It took a while for Americans to get COVID-19. But in China, they got it right off the bat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a girl who told me that she is an autism specialist. Turns out she works at Gamestop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand. On one hand I’m really happy that it didn’t hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I went to the sperm bank the other day with a full condom... The doctor said ,\"get a load of this guy\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, \"Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment.\" I said, \"Sure, there's that...\" \"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework. He comes upon a question: \"What separates the head from the body?\"Ahmed answers: \"The axe\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a banjo player and a squashed toad on the side of the road? There is a slim possibility that the toad was on its way to a gig."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pizzeria on a golf range? Pizza Putt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy? He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I tried to relive the 80s and play some Super Mario Bros. When they say you can never go back, turns out it's true. Mario just stops at the edge of the screen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every birthday, my uncle Guiseppe used to cook me a meal He'd say, \"That was the pasta, this is the present.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best date to take a pansexual on? Take them out for a wok."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!\" I was yelling at my pregnant wife.. But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Gnome who lives in urban environments? A Metro Gnome"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled during her period? They say she has a mean flow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole. For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact. The rest of them are in North America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, it turns out that \"In-N-Out\" is NOT a brothel but \"Animal style\" still means the same thing; so that was nice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t believe Comic Con 2020 got cancelled because of covid 19! It was the one group of people who were 100% guaranteed to wear masks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love being a butcher. It makes it easy to meat people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Bloods use as money? Crip-toe-currency"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Russia not deploy their weapons in the Cold War? It was just Stalin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't MS Word files allowed here? Rule 4: No docx-ing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the judge deny the ghost bail? Too much of a fright risk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated. Cop 2: Hate crime?Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you use a cart to golf instead of a car? Because you'll need a tee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a slice of pizza and a hippie? You don't have to take the crust off of a slice of pizza before you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cover on my ironing board was wrinkled so I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of \"irony.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I played a blank CD full blast on repeat all night last night. The mime next door went nuts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer? I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the lady who backed into a running fan? Disaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, youtube improving the lives of creators and vaccines causing autism have at least on thing in common Neither actually happen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? To the retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Daughter: \"Daddy, why didn't I get a sunburn?\" Dad: \"You can't, honey?\" Daughter: \"Really?\" Dad: \"You can only get a daughterburn.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping. Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone's making a big deal about how the second person to receive the Covid 19 vaccine was named William Shakespeare But I think it's much ado about nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood But just ended up with a load of Splinters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts....The technical term for it is post-nut clarity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US. EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got excited that I found a bottle in the beach with a message inside... Which read: You got no new messages."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena gets knocked out during a wrestling match 3 hours later he wakes up in a hospitalJohn: (slowly) Where am I?Nurse: I. C. UJohn: No you can't!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We've just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. With that, there comes an enormous amount of responsibility, so I've got a question to ask. Should I fly first class or second?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all those considering doing the \"Kiki Challenge\" please remember... You should never Drake and drive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "9 and 5 walk into a haunted house... 9 leans over and whispers \"I'm squared.\"5 laughs and replies \"I'm not, that would be irrational.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who does a racist call when his car breaks down? Triple K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many writers for \"The Simpsons\" does is take to change a lightbulb? None. They won't admit that it burnt out 15 years ago!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs. It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Pan would make a great comedian His jokes would never get old"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, what's the meaning of procrastination? I'll tell you tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pregnant lady visits her doctor for a check-up Doctor: Do you wish for the baby's father to be present during the delivery?Lady: NO, my husband already doubts him a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. The doctor says to him, “Well, for starters, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” The guy asks, “Why?”And the doctor replies, “Because Good God, man! I’m trying to give you your physical!”Obligatory Cake Day post. Thank you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan It's non-stick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stranger: \"Bob? Is that short for Robert?\" Bobert: \"No.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "what’s the difference between bees and bears? ears"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.... ...Only 15 pounds to go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many physicians do you need to interrupt the space time continuum? It takes a paradox."}
{"character": "random", "line": "- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep… \\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…\\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal. \\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new \"Divorce Barbie\" She comes with half of Ken's stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup. I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language. I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible. Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirates favorite CD? A CD-R"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 4 year old came up with this one: How do you turn a fly into a mosquito? With Magic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Say what you like about China... [This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump's tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that birthdays are actually good for your health? Studies have shown that a person who has more birthdays live the longest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cuddly toys never eat? Because they are stuffed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of nagging dentists discovered and new chemical element. It's called Phlosphorus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cows are standing in a field... Two cows are standing in a field, One turns to the other and says, “Did you hear about the Mad Cow Disease going around the farm?” The other cow responds, “Good thing I’m a helicopter.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils. Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.Media was alerted by an anonymous tip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you make 10 drawings, you’re not an artist And if you cook 10 meals, you’re not a chefBut if you kill ONE person..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week? They're having a hard time moving inventory now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? Because it was over 90°."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with a drinking problem? Hepatosaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did god say when Eve went skinny dipping for the first time? Damn, i will never get that scent out of my fish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I want a divorce\" I told the judge. \"All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar. \"What is she doing that for?\" Asked the judge.\"Fu***ng looking for me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? In Iraq"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A report found 9 out of 10 bishops write with a fountain pen. Only God knows what the other one does with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Orion's belt the worst constellation? It's a waist of space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you lift an elephant with one hand? You can't, elephant only have feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Siri,\" I asked my phone, \"why am I so bad with women? She responded, \"I'm Bixby, you moron.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't trash collectors require any training? They just pick it up as they go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words: “Rat tu, touille?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a blonde and a washer? When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology. Me and my big face-hole thingy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This joke could be thirty years too late. What do you call a leopard missing a paw?Deaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went on a date with a Zulu girl and we talked for hours We just clicked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I said that all pillows are uncomfortable and my friend slapped me. He said that’s a very blanket statement to make."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thats a Bug \\*\\*Scientist: Dick Bug\\*\\*  Other Scientist: no  \\*\\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\\*\\*  Other Scientist: no  \\*\\*Scientist: Cock Roach\\*\\*  Other Scientist: fine whatever"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100. Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that every year cats kill more people than sharks? But that's probably because it's hard to get the cat to get in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the Joker's makeup like a whitewashed tomb, his lips like torn paper, his eyes like burning suns? Because when he was young, the Joker's father said\"Let's put a simile on that face!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie. He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. \"Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A redneck goes up to a Catholic church in the South He stands there for a little while and soon an old lady walks up to himShe asks, \"Excuse me sir, is mass out\"  He tips his hat and says, \"No ma'm but your hats on crooked\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor... And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend? # It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since I became a pilot, I can only eat one type of bagel. Plain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ban weapons of mass dyslexia! Before they start an unclear war."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My flat-Earther friend said he would walk to the end of the Earth to prove his point. - Eventually, he came around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never tell a cow a joke It’ll just go in through one ear and out through the udders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ. It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life? Alien versus Redditor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds.... That would be adding in salt to injury."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a Venezuelan pigeon makes? Coup Coup Coup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people.. ..that have been taking the piss out of me for wearing mittens, but I’m not going to point fingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new discovery in the medical field has now yielded nymphomanics new hope to combat their urges... Studies shows that cryotherapy is a great way to chill the fuck out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between ramen soup and an Oscar-bait movie? You watch one for three minutes, stirring occasionally.  You watch the other for three hours and it's occasionally stirring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When someone says get a grip, Apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said \"Regarding disposition of my ashes ... I have no burning desires about what you do with them\"(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager. Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says \"But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!\" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, \"Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I heard R. Kelly couldn’t even put up $100k for bail. He’s been pissing away all his money, apparently."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once.... It wasn't right, man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new disease in France turns people into bread. French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world. It's a paindemic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do motivated tires say? We move."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake? Because he was already stuffed...Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man walks into a library ... says to the librarian in a loud voice, ‘please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice’. The librarian says ‘this is a library’. The man apologies and whispers ‘sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress? Magnets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, \"Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?\" The librarian replies, \"It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an amputee's favorite toy? Legos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a satisfied video editor? Content creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stupid kid joke: Why was the sand at the beach wet? Because the sea wee'd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A clickbait writer dies and goes to hell. And you won't **BELIEVE** what happens next!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once tried eating an hourglass... It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to watch a music movie... But it was full of sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food? That's a basil-less accusation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a frozen pair of panties, once it defrosts?! THAWNG."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running from the ball!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald, duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. “Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again,” he says. The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. “You missed the best act,” says his friend. “While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and pissed into the orchestra pit.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, \"This is exactly what I was afraid of.\" Gripping my chest, I rasped, \"What?\" Eyes wide, he whispered, \"Skeletons!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber. \"Gross\" he says, \"I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've created a simple and cheap period tracker There it is -> ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Sir, why are you drinking on the floor?\" asked the cafe waiter. \"This is ground coffee,\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why on Earth can't you understand my reason for needing viagra? It's not hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit \"I have rights you know!\" says the blonde, \"It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad once told me a joke about unstamped letters I never got it though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day? She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer.  It's called \"Erin Go-Brah-kovich.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other... ...most of them would fall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never argue with a fictional character Their minds are completely made up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a doctors office. The doctor asks what’s bothering the man and he says “Doc, I’ve eaten something that disagrees with me” Just then his stomach rumbles and says “No you didn’t”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history Is in the past."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you add S to EX files... You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's credit card was stolen a week ago. So far they are spending less money than she normally does so I'm not going say anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner We found himalayan in the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nelson was 5ft 4\". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft. Thats Horatio of about 3:1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We were stranded at sea with dwindling supplies of dried food and canned meat. Some of the guys started to catch birds and eat them or barter them for other food,... ...so I took a tern for the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny? Perfect timing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the other word for meatball? Protein sphere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a masturbation addiction But I'm beating it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the deaf prostitute say to her customer? Cum again?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where's the best place to watch the Raiders in the super bowl? The History Channel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common? They're both filled with Plastic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Taking the \"hands on\" approach to self isolation turned out to be globally recognized advice from Pornhub. [NSFW]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you solve a marsupial argument? Trial by wombat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen. She's completely dotty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer. The customs officer asks: \"Name?\"  The Russian replies: \"Vladimir Krylov\"  The customs officer continues: \"Occupation?\"  The Russian replies: \"Not yet, just visiting.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in the library, I found a book entitled \"How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems\" So I bought 2 copies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When asked about the greatest of all his amazing accomplishments, Sir Isaac Newton cited the discovery of gravity. He said it helped him keep his feet on the ground."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs? It's a long tail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did... ...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Robert Mueller like to drink? Just ice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip? I think everyone in this bank just saw my face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving a jeep in a new video game It was a little buggy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got excited that I found a bottle in the beach with a message inside... Which read: You got no new messages."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan It's non-stick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin? They both come in socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What job offers are there for someone without a brain? The head of state."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.  It's a faux pa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the judge deny the ghost bail? Too much of a fright risk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I found out that it takes a school of piranha 1 minute to devour a child. However, I have now lost my job in the aquarium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a fork and a spoon get into a fight? Civilwar!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Judge Dredd arrested? He broke his arm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does loose leaf watch TV? Paper-view"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Sister always got bullied at school for being adopted. Homeschooling for us was fun though"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Denzel say to the thick wire entering his house’s circuit breakers box ? Mah main...!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, \"This isn't working.\" I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was Sherlock Holmes' favorite protein source? Mystery meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but ... I have a sore throat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners instead of 90 degree angles? If they were 90 degrees the ice would melt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone: I'm afraid of Grease- Summer Nights. Therapist: Tell me more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the angriest country? Ire-land"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value? For example: 5 equals 5, but5! equals 120."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.\"Name ?\", said Jesus.\"Joseph.\"\"Occupation?\"\"Carpenter.\"Jesus become excited. \"Did you have a son?\"\"Yes.\"\"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?\"\"Yes!\"... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did pirates eat oranges? For the vitamin SEA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person with 2 donkeys? Biased"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing So I took down his confederate flag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic. And as far as I know,  he still is !!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises? I bet his pants fit like a glove..-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I went to the doctor... She asked \"What brings you here today?\"I replied \"My car.\"And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: \"Not sexually active.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile but 182 to blink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park? - For busting a nut in public view"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week? The news has dubbed him \"Billy the Kid.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle just died. He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory. It was a terrible end but a lovely finish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five. Of course i left him hanging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cowboy is riding across the plains when he sees an Indian on his knees with his head on the ground. The Indian looks up at him and says \"Many buffalo come\"The Cowboy asks \"Can you hear them?\"Then Indian says  \" No, ground sticky.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are Dad: I know, it's nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eyes Specialist Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter? They were cantaloupe farmers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are epileptic ghosts made of? Ectospasm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body? You wake up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of dinosaur has a spike in his butt? A bronto-sore-ass!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies. I think she's dumpling me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month? Me: I have given my answer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner. She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say, \"The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the white man running away with a TV? \"Sir, you dropped your receipt!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says \"this is my body\", pours the wine and says \"this is my blood\"... ...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says \"Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do u get when u cross a human and crocodile ? **A bloody mess.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the oyster leave the party early He pulled a mussel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a possum that goes back for seconds on soup A more-soupial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means... Y'all basic!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won! The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a triangle that's had too much to drink? A rekt angle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It looks like Sean \"Spicy\" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony \"Scary\" Scaramucci I wonder who the next replacement will be \"Sporty\", \"Baby\", \"Ginger\" or \"Posh\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a crayon go on vacation? Color-ado. My seven year old just told me this one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather could communicate with ghosts, who would often ask him about his clothes sizing. He was a medium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't mind being divorced. But I'd rather be widowed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife arranged the plates by color and size... It’s a rare dish order"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the burger cook who took a dump on the grill? He totally flipped his shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much TNT does it take to blow up a country? I don’t know, but the answer would probably blow your mind"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have 11 New Year Resolutions... * Never make resolutions* Be accepting of paradoxes* Use the binary number system more often"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man placed an advertisement, \"Wife wanted\". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD They're calling it AD4K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most? An itching butt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American tourist lands at Baghdad Interational Airport The airport security asks him a series of questions.Security: \"Name?\"Tourist: \"Andrew\"Security: \"Residency\"Tourist: \"Idaho\"Security: \"Occupation?\"Tourist: \"No No, just visiting\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed? Don't look I'm changing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Carrying an instrument in public is like having a dog Everyone wants to know what kind it is, and they think it’s really cool until it starts making noise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All of my sexual escapades are like a big budget Star Wars movie Solo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation.\" \"Pardon?\"\"Nothing.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, 'Do you want to hear today's special?' I said, 'Yes, please,' so he replied, 'No problem, sir. Today is special.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? Oh my toe sis!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the coffee bean go to the Halloween part? It was grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What music do mummies like? Wrap music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can't stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what turtle tastes like? It tastes like plastic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers and mosquitoes have in common? They're both blood sucking parasites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains? A riceist.(It sounds better when you say it aloud)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber. (EDIT: my gf came back to me with \"the type of meat you're putting in your mouth\" which is way better.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels It's my new year's resolution"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't believe everything you read in public toilets Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery? He ended up with a semi-colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge: \"So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?\" Robot, the defendant: \"Guilty as charged\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some shallots were hired to break some scallions out of Alcatraz... But when the job was done and they were back on the boat, the realized that they had also sprung a leek by mistake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a tree falls in the forest but there's not a woman around to hear it, is the event even relevant? Of course not! Nevertheless, a Chihuahua 500 miles away will start barking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the salad who went missing? All they found were its chard romaines"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does it take longer to get from st to nd base, than it does to get from nd to rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"You know when you go to a garage sale, and you find a dusty old box of National Geographics? Yeah, well you're kind of like that.... You've got issues going way back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water. No shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea? One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a dietician for one tip on how to lose weight Dietician: don't eat anything fattyMe: thanksDietician: you're welcome fatty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who's making \"Colostomy Bag Pipes\" on Kick Starter? They sound like shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z... My friend said, \"Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!\"I said \"Yeah, this isn't even my final form!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I'll have a stack of 24 pancakes, please Waitress: That's a tall order!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hard worker got a promotion. Thats the joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses. The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is a better cyclist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.” “Yes, I see the problem,”  The engineer responds.  “We just can’t draw any current.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never hit people with violins?? Because violins is not the answer..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man Talking to God About Woman Man says to God: \"God, why did you make woman so beautiful?\"  God says: \"So you would love her.\"  \"But God,\" the man says, \"why did you make her so dumb?\"  God says: \"So she would love you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do tectonic plates greet each other? They shake lands"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a headcount of the prison population? A consensus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After months of putting it off, I finally replaced the mirror in the bathroom. I just couldn't see myself using the other one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him. This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You may know that baby owls are called \"owlets\", but did you know where they come from? The owlet mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants”... “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, they’re just talking bollocks”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob: Waiter, would you please come here? Waiter: Yes sir, how may I help you?  Bob: Try the soup  Waiter: Is there something wrong sir? Because if so, we can replace the soup    Bob: Just try it   Waiter: Okay, where's the spoon?   Bob: Exactly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to a store and trys to get in but the door is locked. The store's employee yells through the door \"sorry we're closed\" \"But your sign says open 24 hours!\" says the man. The employee yells back \"not in a row\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors Carole Baskin And Robin's"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you steal a coat? You jacket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "God thought long and hard what to name the period of time when the sun was not visible... Finally, after many hours of trying different sounds and variations he named it night. But when naming the opposite, he was exhaust and called it a day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zoology Tip You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There once was a Roman named Vitus, he developed the first form of haircoloring. It was a sort of paste that changed his blonde hair to red. However, a side effect was incredibly bad breath. This became known as the first confirmed case of Gingervitis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor is a cougar into BDSM You could say she is into strapping young lads."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Babies are like pancakes You have every right to throw the first one away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother. Catching her picking her nose just put me right off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father was killed by a herd of pigs. The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, \"For my first wish, I'd like to be rich.\" \"Okay, Rich,\" said the genie. \"What would you like for your second wish?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn't work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix and update any security issues at halloween? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm... He looks at his wife and says \"that's the pig I've been telling you about\"For the wife to respond \"Deer, that's a duck.\"The farmer cuts back \"I was talking to the duck.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you annoy a Pink Floyd fan? Play their music on shuffle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day. Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blow job would help. She asked me where I was going to find a cock to suck at this time of night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bird walks into a bar, takes a seat, and is promptly shot by the bartender. It was a stool pigeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. Go Bills!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar Almost made me puma pants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were sitting in the living room enjoying a bottle of wine. Out of the blue she said, \"I love you. \"\"Is that you or the wine talking?\" I asked her.\"It's me.\" said the wife. \"Talking to the wine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Miso soup get its name? Miso hungry...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shirt say to the pair of pants? Wassup Britches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T', is hairy and oval on the outside and creamy on the inside? A coconut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The award for 1st place in the feline bottom competition was stolen last night. Organisers say it was a... Cat-ass-trophy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who does a racist call when his car breaks down? Triple K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My left nostril is always very congested. You could say it doesn't get a lot of air time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, And name it ElonGates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snowman dressed up as a cop? Just-ice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At what angle do most car accidents happen? The Rectangle!(Wrecked Angle)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So i got 2 ‘O’ levels in Biology and metalwork... So if your Dog needs welding I’m your man..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas. But it’s still up in the air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two surgeons operating on each other? A paradox"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What game do fascists like to play? Nahtzee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The judge says to the bailiff, \"Bailiff, what is this man charged with?\" Judge: *Bailiff, what is this man charged with?*Bailiff: *Your honor, this is man is charged with BIGOTRY! He had THREE wives!*Judge (shouting): *BAILIFF! Havin' three wives is not BIGOTRY! &nbsp; It's* ***TRIGONOMETRY!***"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was just thinking that if I shaved and shined my scalp and stood out in the sun, I could blind passersby or start a fire. Just some random reflections off the top of my head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I need to fix my bike tire, it's flat. Dad: Kiddo, you need a henway for that. Kid: What's a henway? About three pounds.  (read outloud)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm done with waiters in restaurants asking me how did i find the steak I just look next to The potatoes and it's right fucking there"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and an Al-qaeda outpost? I dunno man I just fly the drone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does it take longer to get from st to nd base, than it does to get from nd to rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Batteries This year I'm getting my kids a set of batteries for christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws. It's because they sale'd the seven Cs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just finished a book about Edison and the lightbulb. It was a bit of light reading."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old joke from when my dad was a kid My dad told me that when he was a kid in Romania (late 1960's). The old people in the town told him that if you take meat and rub it against the school at night that dogs would come and eat the school and there would be no school the next day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always ask a funny question on first dates. \"Are you a serial killer? \" Its healthy to avoid competition in a relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my calendar is broken... Haha, April Fools!It works just fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call perfume that doesn’t smell? Nonsense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was digging in the front garden when my neighbor saw me struggling with the shovel and came over to help with a rotortiller. A couple minutes later the other neighbor brought his garden tractor, and the guy down the street show up with a backhoe... Well that excavated quickly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the German baker greet his customers ? Gluten Morgen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about buying a pillow from mypillow.com But then I realized it was *his* pillow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America. Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.They ask him: is this all your luggage?He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you use to make an Argument Sandwich? Disagree-dients"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Kermit The Frog lift off a manhole cover and dive in? He was kermitting sewercide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't think of a way to make a Drake and Josh joke sound simple But I found a way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only a fisherman will understand the struggle Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the computer buy a new pair of jeans? It had spent all its cache."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a concert for just 45 cents, it featured 50 Cent and Nickelback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baby strawberry cry? His parents were in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME. As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tired dragon make for dinner? Flamin yawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cats send message across the internet? They e-meow each other"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I judge people by how fast they run. Does that make me a racist?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guess how i escaped Iraq.. IranSYRIASLY"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Sharks have on their toast? Mermalaid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business? They just couldn’t measure up to the competition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television... because it was easier than making phone calls?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.” “But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Greek doctor isn’t a physician He’s a gyropractor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom pointed at a guy across from our house... ...and said, \"Stay away from him, he takes drugs.\"That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: \"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.\" Her husband says: \"Looks like he's still celebrating!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beefWhere do you find a cow with no legs?Right where you left itWhat do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beefWhat do you call a cow with one leg? StakeWhat do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Food enters from a pair of cheeks Comes out from a pair of cheeks too!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking bad I was talking to someone about Breaking Bad and they asked me if I remembered who Hector Salamanca was, I told them that he rings a bell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey... Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; \"Houston, you have a problem.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.You'll never guess who came crawling back[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler? Practice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son told me he’s going to work forever. But not for a salary, he won’t need to get paid when he’s older, but he’ll have so many good ideas that he’ll have to keep at it. Working all the time to crank out his inventions and art and literature and all that. So I ask him to share some ideas with me. \"I can’t share them with you, I haven’t started having them yet.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since learning the meaning of the word exponentially my use of the word exponentially has increased loads"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's... Binging and Purging"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A have a horrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal,(Told to me by my friend Dave)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 10 cucumbers in line? Queuecumbers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My next joke is called heart disease. Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few nights after his wives funeral, Edward woke up stiff as a rod. Mourning wood.Original"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most popular type of tree in California? Ash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump. What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.” “Not even for coffee??”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it's just deplorable all the sexist people who want to undermine Katherine Bouman's role in the black hole photo. we all know with NASA's budget they could of never afforded a man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Missing Child Spotted With Pied Piper Of Hamelin More to follow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet.... After six weeks, that pony really began to reek...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school But to be honest I should have seen all the signs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My love for you is like an hourglass I always finish on the bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance? Nether. They’re immigrants in America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a diploma and a roll of wallpaper? When someone hands you a roll of wallpaper, you know you have a job ahead of you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone says communism is a bad idea . But I'm weirdly attracted to it.It must be because of all the red flags."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Do you have a date for Valentines Day?\" I said, \"Yep!! It's February 14th.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 hookers are chatting in a bar The first says \"I've worked it so much I can fit a squash up there.\" The second says \"that's nothing, I can stick a melon up mine.\" The third just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dicks never leave a tip. It's the hands' job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt... Damn mosquito!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia? Narco Polo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Snow Day This morning thousands of students and teachers on the East Coast woke up, saw a mountain of snow, started screaming happily and then thought.......SHIT, we have school online today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 1950's people were worried about having their homes wire-tapped. People today are are saying, Hey wire-tap what will the weather be like tomorrow?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don't even know where he got someone else's feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being a plastic surgeon must be hard... Not even a familiar face to keep you company"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide but you cant run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter? “Hey, you focaccia bread!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad. Eventually it learned my moves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are You a Gorilla Exhibit? Because I want to drop a baby in you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dave was doing push up in a garden noticed a man intently observing him... Dave raised questioning eyebrows, the man said sorry to break it to you buddy but woman under you have long gone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was talking to my physics teacher... Teacher: hey, do you know what salt lake city is?Me: yeahTeacher: cool, you know what den city is?Me: no?Teacher: oh, its mass over volume"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many people say a diploma is just a piece of paper. I as an educated person beg to differ It's a piece of cardboard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am the breadwinner of the family I make the most dough"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Me and Lung Cancer? My dad didn't beat Lung Cancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every single currency in this world is just an illusion, a social construct but Brazil's real."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never get into arguments with ballerinas they always have a strong point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What disease do all comedians have? Sillyacts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m trying to write a joke about hurricanes But at the moment it is just a draft."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What the difference between a green pea and a chick pea? I've never had a green pea on my chest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” \"Some, I assume, are good people\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who's making \"Colostomy Bag Pipes\" on Kick Starter? They sound like shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is suicide illegal in china? Destruction of state property"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum \"what's wrong with dad?\" \"He's going through a rough patch\" she said..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never Date an Atom They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day. Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sherlock opens a salon. Sherlock combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a man stabbed his salad 23 times. he said it was a historical reenactment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If time traveling was common, what historic event would be a tourist magnet? The birth of Jesus. All the hotels in the area would be fully booked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace panties. \"Since when do you wear womens pants?\" \"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the horny English speaking ghost say to the hive? Boo bees!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stunt plane crashed at a cemetery Rescue mission had already discovered 50 dead people"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Wants to Get to the Truth of the Khashoggi Murder He's hired OJ to track down the real killers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was trying to find a place in the clothes shop to try on some shirts. Finally found somewhere just right. It was a fitting room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bet you can’t guess how I got out of Iraq I invaded Kuwait"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them once the humidity level gets above 70%? It gets a bit muggy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance. I said, \"Ma'am, are you sure?\"She replied, \"Yes if you don't mind.\"So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two types of people on Indian roads Traffic Police and a beggar.One doesn't leave you until you give some money and other is the begger.I told this joke to my friend and he was offended because his father was a traffic police. Then we settled the dispute for 25 dollars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What music to kangaroos like?? Hip hop!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more... The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.—————————————————————*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost cross the road? Because it was a poultrygeist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match Grandpa: who's playing?Grandson: Czech and SlovakiaGrandpa: against who?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the newlyweds who didn't know the difference between putty and petroleum jelly? Their windows fell out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns? The first one had a stroke.The second one had a stroke. And the third one didn't touch him at all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do hillbillies call their relatives from past generations? Their incestors Came up with it myself. How did I do?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common? They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher just asked me what steps you should take when you’re in a burning building. Apparently, “really large ones” wasn’t the right answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class “The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pedophiles are like televisions Even a three year old can turn them on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher He now has a beef with me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line. The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a company that sells makeup? A foundation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you go to learn to make banana splits? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon. One of the men exclaims \"a bacon tree! we're saved\". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg So i cooked beef in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead He calls it *Nyetflix*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hotdog? he relished it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Edward Snowden's does it take to know what is going on in a Clinton administration? **The server you are attempting to connect to has been unintentionally disabled, wiped, and burned. But not in a gross negligent manner. **"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my shirt Shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cat get fined? Because he was caught littering."}
{"character": "random", "line": "AskReddit is 16 years old next month ... Typical teenager, it has an answer for everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore. ... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I call my toilet the oval office.. It's got a think tank, and a pipeline for delivering healthcare reform."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix a duck and a cow? Milk and quackers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a giraffe? A visit from the ethics board an a rescind of your grant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant? The first bit of slime is not yours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's been some time since I saw any good event What do you mean, Don't you wear a pair of eye-glasses  So?  Don't you see a SPECTACLE every day?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A building inspector for an old European town found that all buildings built between 1584 and 1750 had significant structural flaws. Otherwise, if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a perfume for amphibians? A frogrance  I just made this up. I hope you like it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been watching the Star Wars movies, and I realized something It’s not that big of a shock that Darth Vader is  Luke Skywalker’s father.I mean, they have the same no’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an accountant’s favourite Lord of the Rings movie? The Return of the King"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb he threw a huge party, everyone was invited it was well lit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dismemberment isn't humorous unless you lose an arm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an 8 year old stuck in a closet? I don't remember, but the amber alert called her Mary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back. She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy gives flowers to all of his family. To his wife he gives roses, to his parents he gives orchids, to his daughters he gives daisies. And to his sons, he gives sunflowers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated... he burned for three days."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I played squash against my son. A wall might have been better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Donald Trump have bad hair? He fired his comb-y"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sherlock opens a salon. Sherlock combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar... Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog just lazes around the house waiting for his next meal to be delivered. He's a Door Dash Hound"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal! It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas? It's super ape peeling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A childhood classic my dad used to tell me: Q. Why was a frog flying?A. Because he ate a helium baloon.Q. Then why was a snake flying?A. Because it ate the flying frog.Q. Then why was the eagle flying?A. Because it has wings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I drink food coloring, I dye a little on the inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning. The woman behind the counter asked, \"How would you like your eggs cooked.\" \"Does it affect the price?\" I said. \"No, not at all.\" she replied. \"In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always said that I would never ever go walking dark scary tunnels in the earth. But eventually I caved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex... Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the wind turbine say to Lady Gaga? I'm a HUGE fan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees It's either \"hot as balls\" or \"cold as shit.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy who jumps off the 3rd floor balcony into the pool and misses? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting \"How the hell am I misspelling color\"? A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying \"that sounds like a you problem\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't someone see the plane? It went out of plain sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks \"hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?\"  Donald replies \"No. Iran.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Daughter: \"Daddy, why didn't I get a sunburn?\" Dad: \"You can't, honey?\" Daughter: \"Really?\" Dad: \"You can only get a daughterburn.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do skateboarders do when they are really good? They GoPro"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: I'm cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner - it's 90 degrees!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't koalas classified as bears? Because they don't have the right koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A married couple goes to a marriage Counsellor to work out some problems. The Counsellor sits them on the couch and says \"For starters, let's talk about something you both have in common.\" The husband says \"Well, neither of us suck dick.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices. It was a Catcher in the Rye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass? A protein sheikh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does South Korea look like after a nuclear war with North Korea? Not a Seoul there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file? \"Do you want to save those changes?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the policeman say to the condom? \"Cover me; I'm going in.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is oxygen's favourite place? The O zone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "PSA: don't let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it's mind control! I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Like a radiologist researching sausage digestion, I tend to see the Wurst in people"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two calendars fell in love with each other They went on a lot of dates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Kraft facing charges of soliciting a prostitute just means... That once again the Patriots are tied to a scandal involving deflated balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the time my cousin completely lost it and threw a giant fit at her 12th birthday party. After she changed her outfit she was fine... It was a post dramatic dress"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A polar cub goes to its mom. \\- Mom, is dad a polar bear?\\- Yes, my darling.\\- Is uncle Jim a polar bear?\\- Yes, son.\\- What about aunt Cindy?\\- Yes, she is a polar bear too.\\- Grandpa? Is grandpa a polar bear?\\- Yes. Grandpa is a polar bear. Same with grandma.\\- A... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the number  get into the nightclub? Because he is  square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’d the farmer say when he accidentally squashed his pumpkin? Oh my gord."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted. Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I feel that Disney is taking the \"Rainforest Cafe\" theme a bit to seriously I was just sitting there eating when they bulldozed half of the place down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to make a joke about hurricane Harvey But I am scared my inbox will be flooded"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The birthday dragon tried to blow the candles for the 254th time. Btw the party was on fire. We had a blast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the potato go to the doctor? Because of tuber-colosis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a motorcycle for my wife last week. Best. Trade. Ever!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's friend had a baby... She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented \"Aww, what a little angle.\" I replied to my wife's comment \"Ya, she's pretty acute.\"I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays. He was the original trip advisor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Internet Discussion user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE! user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock. user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.” Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't Bolivia Peru-v it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL: Historically, eunuchs have been really wealthy and politically powerful. It’s part of their compensation package."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A New tomb has been unearthed in Eqypt Archeologists found a mummy wrapped in gold foil and knew they had found the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy building an electric vehicle in a tree I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he succeeds"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor asked if I wanted a digital prostate exam.. He didn't mention there were no electronics involved but now  I get his point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do they speak at the center of the Earth? Core-ean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad I was thinking Ahhh!!! So that's whats burning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store... Does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who swore the most in star wars? R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the stomach's favorite thing to read? Reader's digest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a rainbow when it breaks the law? It goes through the prism system"}
{"character": "random", "line": "These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages. Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a sign in a shop window that said \"Watch batteries fitted, £2.50.\" I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to eat a spaghetti squash... But then I thought, \"Nah, I butternut.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister had a baby to save the relationship... But i still don’t talk to her.Credit: anthony jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug So you can your shit together"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What music do mummies like? Wrap music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it's not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A haircut is the biggest waste of money. I pay the same to get them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said \"It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!\" That's the last quinceañera I get invited to."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bee's ghost? a BOO-beeHahaha.. like .. boobie. Plz don't hurt me. I know it's bad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you blow bubbles as a kid? Well, just so you know, he is back in town for the weekend and was asking for your number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... \"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?\" He asked. \"Where were you educated?\"\"Yale,\" replied the young accountant.\"Such a grand university - what is your name?\"\"Yim Yohansen\" replied the accountant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ghost teacher say to the class? Look at the board and I’ll go through it again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend is irreplaceable. Wish I kept the receipt now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad? Absent-tea parent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys want to share a golf cart Pro: Sorry, because of Covid19 you can't share a cart unless you're cohabitating.Customer points to friend; Well, I'm fucking his wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV? Nut-flix!A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is... What do you have if you have more than one violin?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the rumours about Iraq? I heard they are going to invade America in order to install democracy there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver? **Ag**stralia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart. It's the only way I'll see my family again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling? Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I filled a steam engine with Holy Water. The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, \"Khrushchev is a fool!\" He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do alcoholics run in your family? No but they stumble around and break shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. \"Why would you want to do that?\" one of the board members asked. \"So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which country in the world has most Parks? Korea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument does a pumpkin play? An a-gourd-ian. (I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot. I asked him \"what the fuck did you do that for?\"He replied \"I'm sick to death of him following me around all day\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me when bitten by a mosquito Well that bloody sucks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said... \"No. That's why we want to go to the moon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "there was a suspicion of university diploma forgery There was a suspicion of university diploma forgery. The police went to investigate that. \"There was no proof that any crime was commited,\" said the police officer, John Brown J.D., M.D., B.D., Ph.D."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen and iron are on a date Oxygen and iron are on a date at a karaoke bar and everyone is telling them to go sing. So they say \"we're a little rusty but we'll give it a shot\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said \"Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?\" She responded \"That's because it's an Evian\"Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, \"First offender?\"The woman replies, \"No judge, first a Gibson, then a Fender!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.” Has tested positive for the virus!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa? Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Emperor Palpatine decides to endorse Mountain Dew and appears on an advertisement “DEW IT”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't pine trees eat salad? Because they're coniferous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Leicester City, no one talks about the cold ... ... because of the>! silent \"ice\".!<  ps: Congrats r/lcfc for winning the FA Cup (:"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common... The last picture of the Titanic was in Black&White, so was the last picture of the Maple Leafs with the Stanley Cup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Lady Gaga unzip files on windows? RAR, RAR-ah-ah-ah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Wales? A Entertainment Center."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark? Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men? A penile colony."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females. I replied \"mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer? One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON” The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'm telling you one last time \", a doctor yells at his nurse \"When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cop say to the criminal salad? Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the bank, I told the cashier, \" I would like to open a joint account.\" . He enquired, \" With whom?\"I answered, \" With whomsoever has lots of money.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit.... Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer.  He looks at it and then shakes his head.  “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bike tire salesman? A spokesperson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use \"beef stew\" as a password? It's not stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a \"b\" comes after it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it's not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn't work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we \"be positive,\" but it's just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court,\" he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece wouldn't eat the beef tongue because it came out of the mouth of an animal. I then prepared her an egg..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes. 1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his zipper... He sets up at the bar and orders a drink. The bar tender says, \"whooaa whoaaa, before I serve you a drink, whats up with the steering wheel coming out of your zipper?\" The pirate just says, \"yaarrg its drivin' me nuts\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman goes to the doctor and says, \"Doctor, can you help me!? I've hurt my hand!\" The doctor takes a look and says, \"It's nothing too serious, you've pulled a mussel.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stunt plane crashed at a cemetery Rescue mission had already discovered 50 dead people"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cow or bull? A farmer learned on his first day how to tell the difference between a cow and a bull... \"This milk tastes funny\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you kill the ender dragon You ender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced \"That's shit, that is.\"\"I know.\" Replied Rolf. \"But if you'd let me have paints...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A state trooper pulled along side a speeding driver and is shocked when he sees a elderly woman behind the wheel knitting. The trooper rolled down the window and yelled, \"Pull Over!\" \"No!\" yelled the woman, \"It's a cardigan!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?\" Grandma replies \"Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man was reading his wife's suicide note Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How’d the clam cross the river? Took a taxi crab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The fireman looked at my burning car and said, “Any idea how it started?” I said, “I just had to use my keys.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the Avatar elements? Water, Earth, Fire and Lays chips"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Jockey that got fired for not pay attention to his job? Everyone got tired of his horsing around!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old man dies and wakes up in a strange ethereal world. The first thing he sees is another old man with a curvaceous young lady on his lap. ‘This must be heaven!’ he exclaims, ‘Is she your reward?’‘No,’ replies the other old man, ‘We’re in hell and I’m her punishment!’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic? A mortician Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At work, if you put sanitizer on your hand then touch the receipt paper, it actually gets your fingerprint. So much for a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18 The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the skinny butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most popular form of martial arts in Israel? Jew - Jitsu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pulled 5 cards blindly and got a royal straight flush I was soo happy until i realise i was playing blackjack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying \"I TOLD YOU SO!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Alzheimers day on thursday... It's Alzheimers day on thursday..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y’know, one would have been enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win... It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyday biology pun What do you get when you mix picture day with writing a biology essay?photos-and-thesis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a paranormal inestigator's favorite type of gun? A colt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the space rock eat the hamburger? It wanted to be meteor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A politician, a farmer, and a doctor walk into a bar. They all exclaim, \"Ouch! Who put a bar here?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always take life with a grain of salt... Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is secret agent's favorite dinosaur? A pte>!REDACTED!<yl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I kept adding my input, saying that this channel wasn’t really a good one. But it didn’t work. I then realized that my tv was bad at reading signals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't birds live in caves? It would be to much of a bird den."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Gals were sitting at the corner talking ... One saw her boyfriend coming up the street with a bunch of flowers. \"Oh great\" she said. \" Now I'll have to lay on my back with my legs spread all weekend.\"Her friend replied \"Why ? Don't you have a vase ?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated. She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, \"oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane? The water.No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What pasta is always getting locked out of its house? Gnocchi!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an elephant in a Safeway shopping cart? You take the S out of safe and take the F out of way!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil... ...but really, I'm just trying to make a point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom and I were in an argument yesterday. Her: “you son of a bitch!”Me: “you’re not wrong...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library? They use their Endor voices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My work made me go on a training course where I had to lift some Spanish guys over and over It was a Manuel handling course"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself... No 'fence.Nun taken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: \"Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!\" The teacher replies: \"Not until you say the alphabet.\" So Little Jimmy recites: \"ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ\"    The teacher raises an eyebrow. \"Excuse me,\" she says, \"but where's the S, H, I and T?\"    Little Jimmy just sighs. \"...In my pants...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a TV vaccination? A screen-shot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: What's that? Dad: It's a henweigh. Kid: What's a henweigh? Dad: About two pounds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why are balloons so expensive? A: Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to? Royalty Free Music"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Americans have a terrible sense of humour I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to learn how to climb a flight of stairs? Just follow these ten simple steps!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when you can’t make it to the bathroom in time? A shartcut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thor likes to bust in and beat up the bad guys... His brother prefers to keep things low-key"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.” A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.”The wife replies, “Why not wear silver and come second for a change?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "there were 30 cows and 28 chicken. how many didnt? 10"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fell in love with a cucumber farmer. We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hagrid: You're a unit of power, Harry Harry: I'm a watt?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jesus was filling in a form. The question was \"Do you suffer from Tourettes?\" He wasn't sure whether to put a tic or a cross."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my Google assistant to tell me what was the name of the number with 100 zeros I’ve already tried 5 times, and it keeps refreshing to the main page. Geez, thanks a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined? It was a fruitless Endeavor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Kneel before me!\" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, \"You there, why do you not kneel!?\" The peasant responds, \"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sheep like to do in the summer? Have a baa-baa-cue!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads \"Idaho\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter? “Hey, you focaccia bread!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking in the mall and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. Unfortunately, I accidentally stepped on a dwarfs foot and he started screaming. As I backed up in shock, he advanced on me and yelled “What the hell is your problem? I’m not happy!”Looking down at him I asked “Well, then which one are you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A body has been found at Real Madrid manager Zinedine Zidane's house, in what seems to have been a brutal attack. Police are saying it's murder on Zidane's floor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many physicians do you need to interrupt the space time continuum? It takes a paradox."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If size doesn't matter... Then why is my wife's dildo not 3 inches long and crooked?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why? Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait? Doesn't seem like it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The punchline often arrives before the set-up. Do you know the problem with UDP jokes?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without our watches, our argument about the time of day could have gone on forever But since we were tired from a long day of spelunking, we decided to call it a night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today at the butchers I fell into a pile of animal guts. It was offal!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: You're going to prison for forgery Suspect: *hands over a 37 dollar bill*Suspect: What was it you were saying?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Mass Confusion Fathers Day in Detroit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a crow outside my window this morning that would not shut up. Turns out he way had too much CAAW-fee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive they would eventually find me attractive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs? Peter Parkour"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new book I wrote about improving your basement just sold its millionth copy. Its officially a best cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat just passed... RIP Fluffy McMittens  2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2017"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy. It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.I was a complete mess.I was broke and my body was ruined.But fuck me, what a night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner whit them? They’re pair-a-medics."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a naked old lady I said \"You look foxy.\"She said \"Do you really think so?\"I said \"Yes, their titties are on their stomachs too!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Call me any names you want, but I believe my country is being run by a decent and intelligent president for years already. All I could wish for is... to be able to post this in a different sub."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working He said, \"I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a pole recently and turns out that 100% of people dont like it.. When their tent falls down..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used? Weird flax but 0k"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do crabs run in Alabama? They run in family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss calls me \"The computer\" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the pearly gates Peter: It says here that you don't believe in life after deathAtheist: Didn't*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to you call a pig missing both hind legs? A ham-putee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I bought a burglar alarm. Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] My mother has been tracking this mosquito for a while... When it finally landed, she smacked it and exclaimed, “HA! GOTCHA YOU MOTHERSUCKER!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do skeletons know what is about to happen? They can feel it in their bones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Hes all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monsters are campaigning for a national holiday. They want to call it Fangs-giving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the bed? It hasn't been made up yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "High School Bully The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a banjo player and a squashed toad on the side of the road? There is a slim possibility that the toad was on its way to a gig."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got in the way at the silo when they were pouring grain. I got all wheat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors. Oh and weird concurrency bugs.Oh and weird concurrency bugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask \"would you to pass the salt, please\" But instead my tounge twisted and I said \"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's the only person I know that buys so much from Amazon that she needs two shopping carts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back His friends see him and ask \"What are you supposed to be?\"\"A turtle\" the man replied\"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask\"Oh, thats just Michelle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Willis has admitted to making an \"error of judgement\" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said... \"I see dead people.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forest Gump's favorite kind of pasta? Penne"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are a gorilla's nostrils so big? Just look at his fingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a poster on a tree with a man's face. It read: \"MISSING PERSON! REWARD £150\". Would you believe it...I was out on a pleasant walk the day after when I found that very guy tied up in the woods down by the river.So regretfully, I had to give him the £150."}
{"character": "random", "line": "there are no red states or blue states in america. they're all like mitch mcconnell's handssome shade of purple."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra? A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a male thermometer? A therdadeter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 1950's people were worried about having their homes wire-tapped. People today are are saying, Hey wire-tap what will the weather be like tomorrow?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hear they make good jelly in Kentucky KY jelly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter? More-soup-y’all?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been having a rough time lately wth my life, and my best friend suggested I try some insoluble fiber. He said it really helped him keep his shit together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I knew a guy who managed to unlocked 100% of his brain He died of a seizure in the hospital, it was pretty tragic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam It got too expensive and they just declared it was over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the worst thing to come across while searching the internet? Your keyboard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed. They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...” I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said to me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.” I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach. An X-ray showed it’s knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If God doesn't make mistakes... Then how the heck did I end up here?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cows are grazing in a field: “You ever worry about Mad Cow Disease?” The other cow goes- “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im so sorry internet Whats the differance between being hungry and hornyDepends where the cucumber goes!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common? They both make good crops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water? A basic bitch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession. It was a rehearsal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table.. ..We were quite an incestuous family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly? Viola."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They developed a toilet for the space station for two reasons: Number one, and, of course, number two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Dandruff Shampoo Does Guy Fieri Use? Frosted Flakes. Thought of this on the ride home and I am still laughing. Sorry for the bad joke, I needed to share."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier. Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone! The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test experts described the horse's urine sample as \"funky, cold\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the horny rebellion only last two minutes? Because everyone came"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Recently Married A Stringed Instrument Her Name Is Amanda-Lynn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Good news! This month your wife will nag you less Nothing related to astrology....Because this month has only 28 days"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses! Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone talks about their stepladder. I grew up with a step stool. Never knew my real stool... But that's okay, everyone tells me he was a piece of crap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been trying to get a job on The Weather Channel forever... But turnover is low due to their low pressure system"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really took a dive..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school. Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to climb up some house plans. My dad yelled, “get down from there” “Those plans are not to scale!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I'll call it... Receding airlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?Me:No he wants to become one to"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door. Saying \"YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Slovakia move to digital banking? because they ran out of Czechs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girls be sweating their makeup off at work Call that a 9 to 5"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy with two dicks? Ambidextrous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Student Asks to go to The Bathroom.... Student: \"Hey, can I go to the bathroom please?\" Teacher: \"Its may...\" Student: \"No, its actually November!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does Freddie know how to play guitar? No, but Brian may"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony? The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.Who is the most popular woman?The one who can eat the last doughnut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car. On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes. It was just wrong on so many levels!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me I thought to my self,   “Well that wasn’t very mature.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings? Brutus: Columns, sir.Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mosquitoes are like family... They might be a pain the ass, but they carry our blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They fired the guy who invented the wheel... He was cutting too many corners."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son. It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife crashed the car listening to Adele, She was rolling in the jeep"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: Why are you laughing alone? Tell the Joke to the class so everyone can laugh. Student : Sir, he said that you're a good teacher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I electrified the toilet of a clickbait writer No. 1 will shock him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970? Insemination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self depreciation is my best skill, And I'm pretty bad at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is that you, Mr. Mosquito? In the flesh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.What do you call a chav in a locked box?Safe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts \"The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest\" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies \"That's a good point\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water.... .....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?\"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.\"He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, youtube improving the lives of creators and vaccines causing autism have at least on thing in common Neither actually happen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My nan's got dementia the poor sod, all she does is stand there looking through the window Maybe one day, i'll let her in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. Luckily my older brother told me about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier. \"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound? To make the Eschar go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I put 10 people and 1 mosquito in a room... ... the fuckin mosquito will still get out of the room to find me instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate... and everybody brought gifs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't tortoises wear scarves? They have turtlenecks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find. \"Excuse me miss,  I can't find my wife.  Can I to talk to you?\" He asked her.She said \"Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?\" I said \"Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig with 3 eyes ? Piiig."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone knows Communists make the best bread Its so good they're willing to wait hours in line for a single loaf!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it? Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What remains stationary no matter how hard you push? The envelope."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can blow your nose, you can blow your friends but you can't blow your friend's nose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when... ...commercial Oil tankers are attacked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the Butcher's pet pig? It didn't make the cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put the punchline to this on top of a Conifer tree. If you don't get it, joke's on yew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? Goldfish like to muck around the fountain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to... Bahrain deer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do when your dog has the blues? Give it a saxophone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza? a crust station"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, What do you want? The man says, Oh, just some fruit punch. The bartender sighs and shakes his head, If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line. The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a vampire's least favourite meal? Steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich? Traffic Jam **My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out I would do anything for love but I won't do that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If it ever becomes illegal to wear a veil to work .... beekeepers will be furious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him... \"You are what you eat.\"I've been a d*ck ever since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family. I answered \" No they all seem to enjoy it\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at... She looks like a sheep dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident. All involved were rushed to the ICU"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Woo walks into a bar He orders a shot of Tequila"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bad Dad Joke What do you get when you cross a sheep with an elephant?A Wolly Mammoth!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Long ago in days of yore townsfolk spoke of the existence of sleeping quarters which stacked one on top of the other The existence of such a phenomenon has since been debunked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cucumber said to the other cucumber? Nothing. Cucumbers don't speak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chick asked me for a meal I told her i don't serve food."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Lady Gaga unzip files on windows? RAR, RAR-ah-ah-ah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a trick to eating hot air balloons. They're really good when you get it down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s gonna be a 50p coin commemorating Brexit It’s nearly done. They just can’t decide what to do with the border"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did cupid play before the harp was invented? The heart strings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat loves to step on my keyboard Hmckfykfkufjthfidrbsxjhcktsrg chdrgqbgFtgangg r Jr temvzdv. If MT cBzzca v  CD gen dmath"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them.... We are a very tight knit community."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find giant snails? On giant's fingersI'll see myself out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John the farmer was told by the other farmers he couldn’t sell apples anymore. Such pear pressure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.Fury: Wait, are you serious?Tony: No cap"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the liquor store today and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?” I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck? The angle becomes a rectangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was laid off due to COVID, so I took a job at an origami factory Unfortunately it folded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bug imprisoned in a bottle of perfume say? I’m in-a-scent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge \"I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight\" The judge responds \"what's she doing\"The guy says \"looking for me\"...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock? Apparently it was really time consuming"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really took a dive..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6000 languages in the world And you chose to talk shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, \"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors? A reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I opened up a summer camp for kids with adhd. Although I regret calling it a concentration camp."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed some change in my life So I decided to start a coin collection. I know it seems odd but it makes cents to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Queen Victoria didn’t do such a good job keeping drinking water away from toilet water... but it was still frowned upon to cholera fool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an interview Barbara Walters asks OJ Simpson if he thinks he will ever be married again... He says, \"I don't know... One of these days, I might take another stab at it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Buddy of mine was complaining about work, having a hard time dealing with his two aides. I said tell me about it, I just got my third hepatitis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A reporter in Houston asked a woman how many churches were open during the flood She said; \"I don't know I eat at KFC\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, \"When Harry Met Sally\" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight... You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter? Dear Sir or Madam,Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies.  We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.Sincerely,The Internet Provider"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's usually workers at supermarkets who temperature probe incoming deliveries It's to make sure the temperature is below the required level and the produce hasn't spoiled.They don't get paid for doing this, they just do it probe ono"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not saying I got too excited when I kissed that saxophone player... But I jazzed in my pants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. Surprise, surprise!It was an Apple, but with limited memory.Just one byte, and everything crashed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my 10 year old son. How do you stop an attack from a snowman? Kick him in the snow balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers. But his aunt May."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know; you can fit 35 bananas in a kangaroos pouch Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle got rich the American way He tripped over things and sued people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches? A: The outside!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What did the photon say to the hotel bellhop? A: No luggage, I'm traveling light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about paper? Good that you haven't, it's tearable!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument does Darth Vader play? The rebel bass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I see the new Ford Bronco is coming out soon. I bet the glove compartment is absolutely killer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to name my hotdog \"The Moment\"... ...so I can relish it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The easiest way to not have enemies is to outlive them In the end, time wounds all heels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rotary phone asks his grandson how his first week at school was... \"Terrible! I don't think I'll ever be a smart phone!\"\"And why is that?\"\"They're really putting me through the ringer!\"It was a tough call to make, but the grandfather filled out an application and transferred him to another school over the hangup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know crocodiles could grow up to  feet? But most just have ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust people that use large format printers. They’re always plotting something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag.   The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office.  I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting  furniture.  My nightmare continues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick? He took her out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl who is laughing on her period? A happy cramper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side A daddy wrong legs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, \"Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet... \"As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing.\"One in six of them likes it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight had a special way of standing during sex? Sir Cum-stance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex used to hit me with musical instruments I didn't know that she had a history of violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open? Because it has short skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a friend if he likes his job at the battery factory. He said it has pluses and minuses..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a symphony musician hits his wife? Domestic violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with a strap on? Pegosaurus Rex"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!  They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone was handing out certificates for a free Karate Lesson at the mall yesterday He told me I could only Taek Won Do"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just been thrown out by security and told never to return to the hospital again. It turns out the Stroke Unit isn't what I thought it was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses. I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw a news headline about an unidentified man found beaten, naked, and unconscious in the park. The report described the man as overweight, unattractive, with a very small penis. ....So anyway, I just called to see if you were okay. Call me back to check-in, worried about you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow? Mourning Wood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was recently admitted to the emergency room because of a tendency to talk with his hands too much. He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel. Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter. I call it inter-mitten fasting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my balls stuck in the wheel while I was driving again It drives me nuts every time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a priest and a wire coat hanger? According to the church only one of them harms children."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to commission a marble bust as soon as I get my next paycheck My girlfriend told me not to get a head of myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two types of people on Indian roads Traffic Police and a beggar.One doesn't leave you until you give some money and other is the begger.I told this joke to my friend and he was offended because his father was a traffic police. Then we settled the dispute for 25 dollars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, \"Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?\" He confided in me... \"Because they make the toys.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art. It's called, \"Mime and Punishment\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say reading is hot. So I started studying philosophy. Now all of my relationships are platonic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This season of Earth is not realistic So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?I'm feeling Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman... You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread? Cut the ends and you will have endless bread"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two criminals stole a calendar They got six months each"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard about the Trump fruit salad? It's mostly orange 'm' peach."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chemical Analysis of Women Item:           Chemical Analysis Subject:        Women Symbol:         Wo Discovered by:  Adam Atomic Weight:  Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb. Occurrence:  Surplus quanti... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self-deprecation jokes are a lot like me. Both are dumb, pointless, and laughed at by everyone else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge \"I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight\" The judge responds \"what's she doing\"The guy says \"looking for me\"...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went into a cafe today to get some hot cocoa and sit down. The lady at the table next to me was on her computer and clearly becoming irate. She starts getting all huffy, throwing expletives here and there under her breath. Seconds later, she goes full crazy... \"You can't tell me what to do you stupid piece of trash!?!\" I happened to glance over at her screen and see this, she was in command prompt...C:\\Users\\Karen>taskmgr.exe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches call their garage? A broom closet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people-the student, his mama, and his pauper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do mummy and daddy ghosts take their babies during the day? Day scare."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow? Mourning Wood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Abortion is now illegal So... I guess I’m an antivax parent"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guys I need your help, in the middle of an argument with my wife, she told me that I'm right, what do I do next?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who can beat captain America? Captain Vietnam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of math does an Owl like to solve? Owl-gebra."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is reading the onion more useful than reading the Wall Street Journal? Because the Wall Street Journal is about the past, while the Onion is about the future"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen. But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry He has selfie steam issues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It is hard to find a good book They are all under cover"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC,not a repost] What do you call a Chinese farmer working far away in a field ? Far\"ming\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the butterfly that ate too much marble? He shaterpillar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache... I guess I’m black toast intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Ego and a Super Ego walk into a bar The bartender says \"I can't serve you without ID.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Mr Krabs have to do with the periodic table? Agagagagagagag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "While my wife was giving birth, I bent down and whispered \"You're nearly there, keep going...keep going. Just keep your eyes closed and breathe slow.\" \"Thanks,\" said the doctor, \"I've just never seen a vagina this ugly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter! She's my Japaniece.Edit: guys, I see my mistake.Shiiit. Well imma leave now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language is universal to strippers? Pole-ish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women date witty writers? NSFW Because they enjoy cunning linguists."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought my son a drum set today My wife was furious but I was ready to face the re-percussions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol. He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit. I got tired of labor manuals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a frog's favorite drug? Croakaine. Explains why they're hopped up all the time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the gorilla with a food fetish? It's fucking bananas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ferdinand the Bull was on one side of a fence Elsie the cow was on the other. She winked at Ferdinand. Ferdinand snorted and jump over the fence.\"I'm Elsie the cow. You must be Ferdinand the Bull.\"\"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was higher than I thought.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo that's exhausted from trespassing? Out of bounds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The punchline often arrives before the set-up. Do you know the problem with UDP jokes?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to say jokes out loud when I was a long jumper. One day I crossed the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate? Coco pebbles.I hate this joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jussie Smollett told me he was feeling bad about recent mistakes... I told him not to beat himself up too badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome... Made me so wet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "phone call Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I  said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think  so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up... They'd be alloys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A science teacher tells his class... \"Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1774.\" A blonde student responds, \"Thank God I was born after 1774! Otherwise I would have died without it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon. It’s considered a sin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police. For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn’t the NFL give Iowa a professional football team? Because then Minnesota would want one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most exciting credit card? Capital One(lets see how many people get this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons... Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the eye surgeon say after his first surgery? -Well, that was an eye opening experience."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation. Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex. Doctor- I am."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Man and God met at bar. Both exclaimed, “*My creator*!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You ever heard of silent tennis? It’s essentially tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history Is in the past."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police just arrested the world's tongue twister champion. They say he'll be given a tough sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It's my special tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police just arrested the world's tongue twister champion. They say he'll be given a tough sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I said, \"No way!! In fact I love your mother in law much more, than I like mine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one nut say as he chased another nut?  I'm a cashew!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the founder of Reddit, Alexis Ohanian, get married to the tennis superstar Serena Williams? Redditors are always looking for better servers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are portholes/windows in boats round? So the water doesn’t hit the sailors square in the face!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent 20 years searching for a genie’s lamb, but to no avail I fear I shall never cure my dyslexia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings? Brutus: Columns, sir.Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bird walks into a bar, takes a seat, and is promptly shot by the bartender. It was a stool pigeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in the supermarket, I saw a man and a woman both dressed as barcodes ... I think they were an item."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Purple is my least favourite color I hate it more than red and blue combined."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.My sweet sweet child looked me in the eye, and said: “I'll visit you”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've taken up guessing the weight of Dogs by holding them in my hands over lock-down.... ...I picked up a few pointers this morning!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Hitler so surprised when he lost the war? Because he did Nazi it coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs ! Well, If I'm talking to my drugs... I probably said Yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At what angle do most car accidents happen? The Rectangle!(Wrecked Angle)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day the amount of plastic in the ocean will be irreversible, That will be the last straw"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting... People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A book just fell on my head And I’ve only got myshelf to blame!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Biology is important It’s a matter of life and death."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tourist walks into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?”The bartender replies, “Yeah, but he’s not too bright. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me \"Ha ha ha! My illegal tree cutting business is working!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Halloween im gonna be a credit card. Because I'm always getting denied"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs? Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece’s joke... First she told us the old, “why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he was feeling crumby”Being encouraged by the pity laugh from everyone, she made up this little gem:Why did the unicorn go to the hospital? Because he was feeling horny!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a James Bond bank account It reads as follows, 0.07"}
{"character": "random", "line": "i told my family i was going vegan im quitting cold turkey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I lived in medieval times, I’d be a tavern guard. I’ve always been known for my Inn-Security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jasmine tried to attend a \"Disney Prince Only\" gathering She wasn't Aladdin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops after three HOs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The award for 1st place in the feline bottom competition was stolen last night. Organisers say it was a... Cat-ass-trophy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought my new girlfriend might be \"the one\" until I looked in her closet There was a nurse's uniform, a French maid's uniform and a policewoman's uniform. That killed it.If she can't commit to one job, she's too flighty for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Hitler achieve 99 firemaking? He burned yews."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know that stack of fast-food napkins in your glove box? Now it's their time to shine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out... That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street. Police are combing the area."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow? Mourning Wood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's an absolute treasure.... By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "From the Newsdesk: Television Star turned Politician loses bid for reelection amidst corruption allegations... Our request for a comment from Sideshow Bob's campaign staff was declined"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the chameleon say when he walked across a tie-dye shirt? Whoa, that last bug must have been laced with something!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that steel got into a heated argument once Ever since then, it has been tempered metal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the chef finish his stew? Cause he was too busy stroganoff!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero. Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.But they’ll be 0K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library and asks if there’s any books about turtles... Librarian: hardback?Man: Yea with little heads"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business The steaks are high"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: Hey boss, can I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas? Boss: It’s May.Me: Fine. May I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An owl told me a joke It was a hoot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was about to slap a mosquito that’s still in the middle of sipping my blood... But then I realised that we have exactly the same blood in our bodies. We are family now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: \"i'm terrified of those big empty spaces people yell into.\" Therapist: \"A void.\"Me: \"Good advice, thank you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did everyone enjoy being around the volcano? It's just so lava-ble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, \"No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can one bird make a pun? No, but toucan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes. It gave me great satisfaction.....She was wearing them at the time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My house was raided and the cops carted off books on algebra, trigonometry and calculus, plus dice and other probability-demo stuff. They said it was weapons of math instruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun? Sir"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How long does an owl live? 6 1/2 books."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight is the protector of food? Sir Anwrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did a Duracell rabbit went to jail? It was charged with battery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son lost his first milk tooth today.. I hope that would teach him never to touch my PlayStation again .."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many \"D\" 's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my country we have a special word for the first day of sunshine that follows two days of rain. We call it \"Monday\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. . . . Time to celebrate!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother which is niece"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail takes for ever to cross the street and finally knocks on a guy's door The guy answers, sees the snail, picks it up and throws it far away. Two years later the snail returns, knocks again and the guy answers.  The snail says, \"Yo! What the fuck was that about?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Oscar the Grouch get all of his opiates from? Poppy street"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the motivational speaker have a shirt made of stamps? Because he is an outgoing male."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crustHerpilations 4:20"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a pole recently and turns out that 100% of people dont like it.. When their tent falls down..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to break up with my girlfriend because she was obsessive about cellophane wrap. She was way too clingy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A german visits France... and he gets picked for a random check at the customs:- Name?- Albert Schmidt.- Nationalite?- German.- Occupation? (In a French accent)- No no, just visiting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If coal is so bad for the environment... why don't we just burn it all?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Honey Dew you want to get married today?” “No. I cantaloupe.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently Stormy Daniels was misquoted, and what she actually said was that Trump's junk looked like A Little Potato. You know... A little *dick-tater*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"It's a revolution!\" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Scared the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Water is heavier than butane because... Butane is a lighter fluid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It is not polite to call people White Trash The proper label is white non-recyclablesYeah ok it's not great but it's what I got"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For years I’ve been hearing about how Cosmo’s Sex Tips changed peoples love lives for the better Wanda must be one lucky lady!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I watched a movie called \"The Adjustment,\" about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes an famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't really like it. Too much backstory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate? He looked like a fucking idiot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my sister told me she won’t scatter my ashes in the ocean she said there was already too much trash in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the cross-dresser rob the bank? By making a Trans-action"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail He was behind bars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point. She was shocked I wasn’t a period."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Trump always use a golf cart when golfing? Walking the course is far too taxing on him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father was a nun I never actually saw him go to work, but whenever he was asked to fill out his occupation on a form, he would put: nun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society... I would have a small loan of a million dollars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker. It's a pretty big deal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I retired from rock drumming, but now I'm back! Repercussions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many lawyers do you need to change a lightbulb? Three.One to climb the ladder, another one to shake it, and a third one to sue the manufacturer of the ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the woman say after she was hit on by the Pillsbury Doughboy? \"No thanks. I'm not into roll play.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tomorrow's weather forecast for Canada is in, just in time for cannabis legalization It's going to be cloudy with a chance of Doritos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why? My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the favourite instrument of someone who never gets laid? Incello."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos; Which is going to be extremely hard..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to catch a polar bear: Dig a big hole out in the ice and place little green peas all around it... And when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers. But his aunt May."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula? \"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?\"\"No- wait, Dracula?\"\"Yes!\"\"You're vampires?\"\"Yes. We have pamphlets.\"\"Vampires have missionaries?\"\"Where else would new vampires come from?\"\"I assumed you bit people.\"\"There are many h... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face. Except for Chris Brown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history? The shovel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It's called the Plaguestation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 3-year-old son said, \"Put my shoes on.\" I told him, \"I think my feet are too big.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes-the others were 7's and 8's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Dead, probably..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 rednecks were talking during their lunch break Trimothy - As soon imma get home gonna take off ma wife panties Bradley - Y’all horny ? Trimothy - Nah , worn them by mistake dis mornin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thai Girl Last summer, I was sitting next to this  hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”… But she did."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see son, grilling a good steak is a lot like you mom... Once it starts bleeding, it's time to flip her over to the brown side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many physicians do you need to interrupt the space time continuum? It takes a paradox."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are no skeletons in my closet. The bodies haven't decomposed yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Virgin Boyfriend and girl  had first sexIt was wild and passionate After sex boyfriend said :B: If a knew you where a virgin I would have waited more G: If I knew you would wait I would have taken my pantyhose off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mrs. Goat : Honey, we're going to have a baby! Mr. Goat : You're kidding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid. I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: \"No one expects te spanish inn physician. \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation Otherwise it's due to the lack of money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters... He doesn't like Capitalism"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices. It was a Catcher in the Rye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm with the CIA, AMA! But please comb your hair first,  you look like shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cow say to the butcher? Stop it, Or we'll have beef"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period? Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come it means you are fucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena's full name is \"John Felix Anthony Cena Jr.\" Didn't see that one coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. The doctor says to him, “Well, for starters, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” The guy asks, “Why?”And the doctor replies, “Because Good God, man! I’m trying to give you your physical!”Obligatory Cake Day post. Thank you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? A Do-you-think-he-saurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, \"Can I push your stool in ?\"She : \"Let's see how this date goes first\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night. I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with.  So, I've gotta ask....How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE) Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing? About 200 years"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pirates like to play the lottery so much? They really love ArrrrNG!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering. The host said, \"This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a Pirate's least favorite letter? A copyright infringement notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pickle do when it won the championship? He just stood there to relish the moment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the lazy perfume-maker? He made no scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat. We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle got an award for not wearing a mask. The Darwin Award."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people. After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale. I never sausage a selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never tipped a cow. But, then again, I’ve never had one serve me drinks or a meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers. But his aunt May."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster? Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can of coke fell on a mans head from a high building Fortunately he survived because it was just a soft drink!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Anthony Weiner's favorite type of mail? Junk mail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl are you gorilla glue? Cause I can’t get you outta my head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a samurai do when he fails a math class? He commits Sudoku."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing... Just don't go overboard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dog and cat on the porch (NSFW mild language) A dog and a cat are sitting on the porch on a hot summer day. The dog looks at the cat and says, \"sure is hot today\".The cat replies, \"HOLY SHIT IT'S A TALKING DOG!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If God doesn't make mistakes... Then how the heck did I end up here?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet.... After six weeks, that pony really began to reek...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can't put into words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:  \"I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A country in the middle east faced an uprising and the military had to take control of the government They say the country's under Mash-allah"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why the Reddit Dragon is yellow? It's got bananas for scales"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the rich transplant surgeon go to jail? He got caught red-handed, inside her trading."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot chick in Boston? A  tourist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my favorite actors is Mark Ruffalo, but I’ve always wondered... How many buffalo could Mark Ruffalo buffalo, if Mark Ruffalo could buffalo buffalo?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place. Since then I've never looked back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a snowman have in common with an ocean? They're both bodies of water!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the rectangle get sent to the principal's office? He said a square word"}
{"character": "random", "line": "i showed my mom my D and she was not happy she said to go study and come talk to her when i get a A+"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chemistry Poem Oxygen U played Hydrogen Tech and the game had just begun,when Hydrogen racked up two quick scores while Oxygen still had none.Then Oxygen scored a single run and thus it did remain,at Hydrogen 2, Oxygen 1, called because of rain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What color is a mirror? It depends who you ask"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge? The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: I love my women like fine wine. Woman: To enjoy them after dinner? Man: Secretly and securely hidden in my basement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it. Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n Little old lady. \n Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park. He was feeding them to his dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top. It's was tough in the Gateau"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pirates get some crazy deals in the mall. For example, they can get piercings for just a buccaneer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paddling joke. I don’t like to brag but I can control a kayak brilliantly. Canoe?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told \"no\" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate the stigma around mental health Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I shouldn't have eaten that missionary, the cannibal said with a frown. It just goes to show, you can't keep a good man down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do u get when u cross a human and crocodile ? **A bloody mess.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Norwegian naval ships all have large bar codes painted on their hulls... So when they return to port a sailor can scan da navy in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are family trees not used in alabama Because they end up being more like a family tumbleweed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just in the queue at Tesco when Diana Ross tried to push in. I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not into temperature play- I just think it can be hot sometimes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window... ...she said it was a little condescending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother in law said she wanted to die a natural death. So I've just dropped her off at the jungle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach? it's not hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the destruction of large acres of lands? A massacre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump. What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are portholes/windows in boats round? So the water doesn’t hit the sailors square in the face!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America police dogs are K9 In China they are E10."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero It's called the \"0K Boomer\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house I am home, but he was Homer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The COVID-19 lock down has gone on for FAR too long... It has lasted for one Tool song."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s long, hard, bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i and s? A spine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ban weapons of mass dyslexia! Before they start an unclear war."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman arrives at the crime scene \"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?\"\"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.\"\"How do you know that?\"\"He told me as he was running off.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Squirrels don’t have children.... They ALWAYS swallow the nut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cow was recently given the badge of bravery. Her actions proved she was no cow-ard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've stopped burning bridges in my life because they make them out of steel now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena gets knocked out during a wrestling match 3 hours later he wakes up in a hospitalJohn: (slowly) Where am I?Nurse: I. C. UJohn: No you can't!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that the \"o\" in Irish names denote that you're a grandson My great-great-great-great grandfather was Reilly, Vehiclepiece. I'm O'O'O'Reilly, Autoparts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to join the debating team but somebody talked me out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a human and a pig? A visit from the FBI and an immediate removal of your government funding"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm about to embark on a huge art conquest of Shakespeare's work and am undecided on which pencil to use... 2B or not 2B"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man named David without an ID? Dav."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The car looks great but the muffler seems exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: \"Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?\"\"No your Highness,\" the man replied, \"but my father was.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes. I was also disappointed by BBC news."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I played an April Fool's joke on my parkour team this morning. They all fell for it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After 8 months of trial and error, hundreds of hours of YouTube, losing money, almost giving up, I can finally say I made my first $100 trading stocks Never mind, I'm in the red again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only thing Flat-Earthers fear is sphere itself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you do if all US currency turned in to cheese? Personally I'd just start using a swiss bank"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who’s the most prepared person on earth? Justin Case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fallout, why are caps used as currency? Because america is a CAPitalist country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album The guy behind the counter says \"I'm sorry, it's out of stock.\"Darth Vader  shakes his head and says \"I find your lack of Faith disturbing...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know if the mosquitos are really big? When their sucking feels good.​​A joke told my my grandfather about when he was stationed in the woods in the army."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pacifist say to the aggressive musician? Violins is not the answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a family tree in Alabama? A family wreath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German man goes on holiday to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions\"Name?\"\"Hans Schmidt\"\"Age?\"\"32\"\"Place of birth?\"\"Dusseldorf\"\"Occupation?\" \"No, jus... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery. It was like a huge weight off his chest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and a friend were eating Shrek's baby for dinner. My friend thought the meal was great. Myself, I thought it was a little meaty ogre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back. She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scarabble letters on the road. I asked him \"what's the word on the street?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish Reddit had read receipts... so I can see who I just disappointed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Slovakia move to digital banking? because they ran out of Czechs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I passed by my son's bedroom, I heard him praying \"God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Hamburg the capital of Germany.\" \"Son,\" I said  \"Why do you want Hamburg to be the capital of Germany?\"He looked at me and replied \"Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "i was just reading the obituary of a carmelite nun who turned away from a life of prostitution after seeing a vision of the virgin mary. she went out with a wimple and not a bang."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I went to do my driving test high on lsd I passed with flying colors!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods has really picked up his game He used to only flip his golf club"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could never work at a Subway… Couldn’t work at a place where’s its “appropriate” for someone to walk in and ask for a 6 inch Italian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? A golden opportunity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out? Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got out of an abusive relationship I'm glad, my hands were starting to hurt!  ^(Source: SrGrafo stream musings)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientist: My invention can creat matter in all three forms. Gas, liquid and solid. My asshole: You know, I’m something of a scientist myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for... Coronavirus for president!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day. So I bought her a helmet and some crayons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16. Anyone over that is just too old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell \"Whiskey\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A horse walks into a bar and says, “On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?” The bartender says, “Y, long face.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. 5 minutes before the bell, Bob handed in a blank sheet of paper. \"Bob!\" yelled the teacher. \"You've done nothing. Why?\"\"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place. Since then I've never looked back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "new kitten So I decided to teach my kitten to write.  You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily.  Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Any tips on removing ice from my windshield? I tried an old discount card, only got 20% off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Comcast doesn’t need to have a Pride Month ad campaign. They suck dick all 12 months of the year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I kept having these crazy dreams where I woke up covered in Tyre tracks... My Psychiatrist is convinced I'm a 'cycle-path'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like... trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons? One is eight nights while the other ate knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never get school shooting jokes. Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't the other numbers like to play with 1? Because he always won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I performed an opening one night for a surgeon, really funny guy They kicked me out of the hospital and called the cops"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are working conditions at the Tyre shop so poor? Because the squeaky wheel gets replaced"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elements work out? The oxygym"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to DRAG ON and on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Friend: I think I have a crush on the president and the first lady. Me: You are bi-den?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife makes my pancakes too thin. Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of deaf people? I don't know. But it is definitely not heard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most patriotic sport? Flag football."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a skeleton's favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? \"Put it on my bill!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple Apparently I’m Plum Crazy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to let a squirrel go down from a tree? Show him your nuts!(Idk if this is known, my brother told me about this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says \"Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder... ... so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my English teacher is a dinosaur Because he said he is a walking thesaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me. It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler? Practice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches\" Where?\"1 o'clock\"1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've met my plastic surgeon brother in law FOUR times! And every time he forgets my name! He's so bad with faces!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park I guess he had a licence to grill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lately I’ve been dating a blind girl, and I find that it is incredibly rewarding. I do find some things quite difficult though I still struggle to get her husbands voice right"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nsfw What is a typical motto for a brothel? Customers always comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A beggar asks a man for 5 bucks. Man: \"What do you need 5 bucks for?\". Beggar: \"I need it to buy drugs\". Man: \"Oh yeah? And how do i know you won't spend it on food?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT. IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER!// THE POLICE"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cuddly toys never eat? Because they are stuffed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When someone says get a grip, Apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do I know about bonsai trees? Very little.  (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad? Absent-tea parent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the printer have wet ink? Because it couldn't control P"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I have an intimate relationship, but she got upset when I was using her toothbrush. So I just said 'Hey, if YOU have a better way to get dogshit out of sneakers...'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship. We had a real row v. wade debate that day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend fell off his motorcycle He has brain damage and two broken arms. Why the fuck would anyone let him try to ride in that condition is beyond me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the network/IT man say to the doctor? IT hertz when IP."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy says: \"My great grandfather died in the concentration camps\" Then he laughs: \"He fell from the guard tower\"\"Stop telling jokes about this\" His friend replies - \"My great grandma also died in concentration camps\"\"Oh I'm sorry\"\"Yeah, some idiot dumbass dude fell on top of her from the guard tower\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "To-do list of the pink panther To-do  To-do  Todo todo todo todo todooooootododo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals. It's the TikTok tic tac tactic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. The doctor says to him, “Well, for starters, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” The guy asks, “Why?”And the doctor replies, “Because Good God, man! I’m trying to give you your physical!”Obligatory Cake Day post. Thank you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Circumcision jobs don't pay much But you get to keep the tips"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m making a coat out of pancakes. I call it my flapjacket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your kitten killed our Rottweiler.\" \"I'm sorry?\" \"I said your kitten killed our Rottweiler!\" \"My cute little kitten? I can't believe it. How?\" \"He choked on it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a new friend at the mall recently. He said to me , \"I'm a man of few words.\" And I replied, \"Yeah, I'm married too.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Anakin Skywalker's favorite baseball team? The Padres!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have been calculating the surface of the Earth in flat-earth point of view. And they were right saying that the government had been hiding much land and the surface is actually larger. How else would they be able to walk that far to fool themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 tips for a happily married life.... Keep quiet when your wife is talking. Don't talk when your wife is quiet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People have no respect for others time nowadays Some guy asked me to go sacrifice goats to satan in the woods and they didn’t even show up, incredibly rude."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet I said, \"you can't be serious\"He said, \"I shit, you knot\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a watchmaker uses Dial and a piano player uses Ivory and a Orange grower uses Zest... ...Does a Bull Fighter use Olay?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cartoon character curses the most? The Road Runner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the flower say when it wants you to leave it alone? Begonia!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa call his workshop elves the Avengers? Because the Avengers assemble"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar climbs onto a stool and screams, \"ASSHOLES!  ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!\"\"HEY!\" someone yells out.  \"You watch your mouth!\"\"Why?\" the guy challenges.  \"Are you a lawyer?\"\"No, I'm an asshole!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the angle that cought COVID It was acute"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2 in Cuba. But, in the Bahamas a slice only costs $1 Sorry, I'm just telling you the pie-rates of the Caribbean\\*Laughs in Johnny Depp\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most exciting credit card? Capital One(lets see how many people get this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women date witty writers? NSFW Because they enjoy cunning linguists."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? a labracadabrador"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are helium, curium, and barium the medical elements? Because if you can't heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did that, I didn't even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a majority of the market share in the north east? You have a MAINEopoly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boss shows up at a job site Boss: \"Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!\"Bob: \"Boss, a good employee is hard to find.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad joke Is something that only groan men are allowed to tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene... Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: \"I've counted 28 gunshots.\"Cop 2: \"Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are dogs afraid to go to space? Because of the vacuumEdit: Sorry if this joke is ruffDouble Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self-driving cars will never work right. No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was married by a judge... I should have asked for a jury"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs do after finishing training classes ? They get their masters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla.... How shitty of a parent are you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.It was a sham rock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars? Na-BOO!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why the earth sucks? Gravity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of dad jokes? A Pundemic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Turtle beat the Hare? It used a razor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If people from Utah are called Utahns, what are people from Tampa called? Floridians"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you get mixed up in an undersea gang war? You get a crab wound.So you go the police but they clam't help you.Eventually you end up at the hospital and they tell you you'll need a sturgeon.Then you murder everyone because you are so god damn tired of their undersea puns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd like to get the rights to show Miami Vice backwards I'd call it Miami Vice Versa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It used to be free to fill your tires with air now it costs $1.50! Now that's what you call inflation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is more environment-friendly: Facebook or r/jokes? Facebook produces too much plastics while r/jokes has 100% recycling rate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The orange asked the melon: \"Hey, want to get married?\" The melon said: \"Sorry, I canteloupe\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am proud to announce that I have developed a foundation to aid abused women It's real thick to hide the bruises"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm sure I bought a pair of camo pants. But I've looked all over my house and I can't find them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, \"Sorry about your weight.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between \"I helped my uncle Jack off a horse\" and \"i helped my uncle jack off a horse\". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two snails meet. One says to the other: “What’s that bruise you’ve got there?” “Oh, I just went jogging, and a mushroom shot out the ground!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t know why the color purple gets such bad reviews? It made me blue when I red the comments."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A local beekeeper was selling his bees for 5 dollars each. \"5 dollars for a single bee?! That's ridiculous,\" I complained. \"Well, if you don't like the price, you can select from that hive over there, those are freebies.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What disease do all comedians have? Sillyacts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I want a divorce\" I told the judge. \"All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar. \"What is she doing that for?\" Asked the judge.\"Fu***ng looking for me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cincinnati Bengals allowing 2,500 fans into the stadium for the first game. Word is, now they’re looking for 2,000 volunteers to attend the game."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the \"ca-hoots\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One side thinks it will end up like Judge Dredd, while the other side things it will be Demolition Man... But the truth is, we are The Expendables."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.... Either way, the silver bullets work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them \"Scraps\". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble. You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour. Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938) Where is the non stick toilet bowl?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the turtle go to AT&T because he couldn't sprint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cargo Space So, a man goes into a car dealership. He asks the dealer, \"cargo space?\". The dealer replies \"car no do that. car go road.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts call their true love? Their ghoul-friend"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The man who invented the television remote control passed away today They found him at home between the couch cushions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to let a squirrel go down from a tree? Show him your nuts!(Idk if this is known, my brother told me about this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars? The Mangolorian.(Made up for an eight year old)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The popularity of origami has increased ten fold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man stumbles out of a bar on St. Patrick’s day, bumps into a policeman, and burps right in his face! The cop, though startled, calmly directs him to a taxi without issue. There was a presumption of Guinness hints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors Are you with me shofar?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights. Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why jehovas witnesses buildings don't have windows? Its so God can't see what they're doing in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How Do Fish Get High? Seaweed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses dress up as for Halloween? Night mares."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, 'Happy...,' and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, '...40-second birthday.' I was so proud."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are goldfish the most dangerous animal? Because they live in a tank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep… \\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…\\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal. \\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tomorrow's weather forecast for Canada is in, just in time for cannabis legalization It's going to be cloudy with a chance of Doritos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Germany announces a new health ministry to aid in combatting COV19 From today, all research dedicated to battling COV19 will be carried out under the Robert Cough foundation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put on my mask before I entered the bank, but everyone still got super pissed at me. Turns out, you're not allowed to go in with a shotgun and loudly ask to make a substantial withdrawal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a chestnut and a walnut? Depends on the amount of foreplay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have been calculating the surface of the Earth in flat-earth point of view. And they were right saying that the government had been hiding much land and the surface is actually larger. How else would they be able to walk that far to fool themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke about a shutdown coin factory. Nevermind.It makes no cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just learned how to lock pick Its opened so many doors for me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is ISIS's favorite dinosaur? A terror-dactyl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend's plastic fork broke while she was eating earlier.... ....Just a tine-y bit. (i was so proud of myself but no one else laughed as much as I did )"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The local wig shop got broken into last night They've had to replace all the locks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would happen if Uranus collided with earth? It would be a pain in the ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just formed a grunge band and named it \"1023 Megabytes\" ... haven't gotten a gig yet though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw people having an argument on their canal boat. Bit of argy bargy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him I asked him “Are you the friar?”He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the \"ca-hoots\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to catch a bear Dig a hole and fill it with ash. Surround the hole with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea kick him in the ash hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the 40 degree angle so nice to the 50 degree angle? Because its very complementary!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine. Only used once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Mike Tyson's favorite element? None of your Bismuth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Blonde Girls chatting. Blonde 1: I understand how you get Bob from Robert& Bill from William, but how do you get Dick from Richard?Blonde 2: Show him your Pussy....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, someone came into the shop I work in, walked up to me and yelled “I F-ED YOUR MOM!” After that, he ran outside. This was the 3rd time this month! I don’t know why my dad keeps doing this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats a Republicans favorite instrument? A Trumpet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do iPhone have a great sense of humor? Because they crack up easily."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a... ...Flat Fee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa's wife divorced him after he cheated on her for the fourth time She could handle the first three ho's but the last one was just too much."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: Hello, ASPCA? There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan ASPCA: We don't believe youMe: Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father was killed by a herd of pigs. The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale. I never sausage a selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass. Just abominable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle. But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If we don't proofread and correct mistakes The errorists win."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you don’t qualify for a Nobel Peace Prize... ... Go for the Darwin Award!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a bungee jumper's least favorite app? Discord"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room? You washer and dryer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cow saves every scap of usable material. He's recyclebull"}
{"character": "random", "line": "COVID-19 is like a check engine light, at first you're like, \"fuck, this is terrifying\" But after a while you'll be like, \"fuck, I need to get to work!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven. Finally, the chicken Caesar salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably The good players just won't come forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles. I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs? A Halalligator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What member of the A-Team has a bachelor's degree? B.A. Baracus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history... It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts\" \"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .And my client did exactly that. I rest my case \"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a catholic, a Jew, a Muslim, and a black person have in common these days? None of them know how it feels to be discriminated against at a water fountain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "President Trump is so good at creating jobs. He even just recently opened up a job in Iran. I heard they’re looking for a new General"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two fish are in a tank. One says, How do you drive this thing?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best time of day? 6:30, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts serve humans for dessert? I Scream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to? Plymouth rock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can't open windows in space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked in on my boss masturbating the other day. He told me to quit masturbating and get the hell out of his office."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates? They always destroy the shredder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today? Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a deer who wants to make cartoons? Adobe Illustrator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women make their lives more difficult. Just think about where men would be without women... Still in the Garden of Eden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know that your cat’s a free thinker? It shits outside the box"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Donald Trump’s favorite sports team? The Dodgers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him? Doctor: They Are For You.!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my family is considering matching tattoos. My eldest sister recommends flowers.My middle sister recommends fruits.My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you not want hide when playing hide and go seek in a hospital? The I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boss: Why do you- Me: *sshhh*Boss: What is your biggest wea-Me: *sshhh*Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So i got 2 ‘O’ levels in Biology and metalwork... So if your Dog needs welding I’m your man..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar Harvey says, \"Hey Bill, buy me a drink!\"Bill shouts back, \"I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "[Possible OC] What's the worst thing to write in Braille? Caution hot surface"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation Otherwise it's due to the lack of money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a vegetarian zombie say? Grains! Grains!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy. It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.I was a complete mess.I was broke and my body was ruined.But fuck me, what a night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Can't Tell If I Like This Blender... It keeps giving me mixed results."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of dudes are walking through the park They see a young pair banging in the bushes. One of the dudes can't help himself but comment:\"Hey, man, leave some for us!\"\"I can't, I inserted everything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brain is like an F-22 Raptor Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A reporter asks a man traveling across Asia on foot how he got from Iraq to Pakistan so quickly. \"Iran\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what I've turned into after starting to like bugs in my code? A Spider"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says \"Big Breath\" The girls says \"Yeth, and I'm only thixteen\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I swallow two pieces of string, they will come out the other end tied together. I shit you knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo? Reptile dysfunction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Batteries This year I'm getting my kids a set of batteries for christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn. I said, “just dew it.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states. Just let me take my shoes and socks off first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, \"Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?\"\"How dare you\", retorted the woman, \"I'm not some cheap pickup!\"\"Well then\", said the tramp, \"get the fuck out of my bed\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake. I'm on a work trip and I just texted her \"having a wonderful time, wish you were her.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show... \"I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What room do ghosts avoid? The living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if they had any books on Noise Reduction Levels She said \"Sure, what volume ?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the Kardashian family taking a swim in the ocean? pollution"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God Then does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident. The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drugs are a lot like my coworkers My wife does most of them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad would lock us on the closet for hours at a time. He told us it was elevator training. Today, I was in an elevator, I nailed it!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?... He was a gluten for punishmentSorry if this offends anyone with gluten issues. Our son can't have gluten right now, so this joke came to me while I was toasting him some gluten-free bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly \"A man who lays with another man should be stoned\"Edit : Thanks for the silver kind strangers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a tree falls in the woods It won't make a sound because it has been copyright claimed by Warner Music Group."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an African neck beard mosquito say? M’laria"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra? A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an Indian and African elephant? For starters, one of them is an elephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother. She's an animal in bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound would Gordon Ramsay make if he were a dinosaur? ITS FUCKING RAW!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I pull down my pants women scream at the size of my massive... Kneecap. It's starting to worry me now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you spell the words \"Absolutely Nothing\" backwards, you get \"Gnihton Yletulosba,\" which ironically means...Absolutely nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is \"R\" only a pirate's second favorite letter? Because their first love is the C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much did the pirate's new earrings cost him? A buccaneer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "let robots vote like any other person so they wont have to manipulate elections through social networks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss calls me \"The computer\" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids? A traffic cone.*what did you expect?*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist. Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.Officer: What is your age?Tourist: 31 years old.Officer: Occupation?Tourist: No, just visiting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You are under arrest Police: You are under arrest!   Me: Why?   Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.   Me: Did you say six?   Police: that is correct, six!   Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife knocked on the fridge door before opening it… I said, ‘excuse me but what’s happening?’She said, ‘there might have been a salad dressing’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals. But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin? They both come in socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A UNIX Salesperson A unix salesperson named LenoreLoved her job, but loved the beach more.She devised such a wayto combine work and play:She sells C-shells by the seashore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When's a frogs birthday? February 29th"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Helium enters to a bar of elements... The bartender just kicks him out saying he's too noble to be there.But he didn't react."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, youtube improving the lives of creators and vaccines causing autism have at least on thing in common Neither actually happen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I have an intimate relationship, but she got upset when I was using her toothbrush. So I just said 'Hey, if YOU have a better way to get dogshit out of sneakers...'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Muslim couple visit a restaurant known for serving exotic food. As they peruse the menu, the husband exclaims, \"Wow! That gorilla burger sure looks good!\" His wife looks up in surprise. \"That's haram, bae!\" she admonishes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE) Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice. Son: No.Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.Son: Okay then!Dad goes to Bill Gate.Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.Bill Gates: No.Dad: My son is the CEO of the world's greatest bank.Bill Gates: Okay then!Dad goes to the CEO of... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?\"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.\"He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently bought some fragranced candles They cost me several scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says \"Okay, you man the guns.  I'll drive.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws. It's because they sale'd the seven Cs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the business dinner at the Indian restaurant a failure? Because they had a naan starter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't make it at the sandpaper factory boss said I didn't have enough Grit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I’m bad at it. No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk was born in South Africa, and made an electric car. What if he had been born in Madagascar? He would have made a gas car"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Orange and Lies Constantly? A rotting clementine, but I like where your head’s at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift. He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call... ...a man in a bush?Russel!...a man in a lake?Bob!...a man with a car on his head?Jack!...a man with a spade in his head?Doug!...a man without a spade in his head?Douglas!...a man with a toilet on his head?Lou!... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why where there two dudes in a ambulance Cause they were a pair-a-medics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry? Because we live in a mask era."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”. The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book. “What was it called?” I asked.“My 2 years in prison”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral. Unless you are a football team manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jesus walks into a hotel Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I tucked some receipts from Bitcoin into an exotic dancer's panties. My first use of stripto currency."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Patient: every day I feel more and more like a cartoon rabbit **Doctor:** you have a bad case of updoc**Patient:** what’s updoc?**Doctor:** this is more serious than I thought"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A medieval knight walks into a bar, holding a large blunt weapon... ...\"Why the long mace?\", asks the barman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend got a job at the power plant. He now refers to his occupation as a “ohm maker”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What room is useless for a ghost? A living room  xD"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing? Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Why was the slab of marble upset?\" \"He was tired of everyone mistaking him for granite.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grill master wanted to load up the grill with more BBQ, but he was running low on hot coals ... So, he decided not to brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a bedtime story to an orange once. I call that pulp fiction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Making Rocky Mountain Oysters is tough work It takes balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you guys hear the one about the perfume factory that went out of business? Nevermind, it doesn't really make scents anymore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monsters are campaigning for a national holiday. They want to call it Fangs-giving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Just say NO to drugs!\" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Pop Corn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, \"I'm getting a divorce,\" she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to buy perfume from a vending machine, but it was out of odor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crouching tiger, hidden dragon. It wasn't a great day at the zoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dentist looks into a patient's mouth and says, \"That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen.\" \"I heard you the first time,\" says the patient. \"You didn't need to say it the second time.\"\"I didn't,\" says the dentist. \"That was my echo.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: \"Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?\" The man replies: \"I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out.\"The woman blushes and asks: \"What do you think now?\"The man says: \"I think, I did a pretty good job with that.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sweatshirt on the ledge of the tower bridge? A jumper!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster? Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay. They promptly arrested me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house? My wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the doctor today and rasped, \"There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat.\" He chuckled, \"It's not that serious but...\" \"You'll need to have utensils taken out.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "‌‌I m‌‌et a‌‌ g‌‌irl a‌‌t a‌‌ c‌‌lub t‌‌he o‌‌ther n‌‌ight &‌‌ s‌‌he t‌‌old m‌‌e s‌‌he'd s‌‌how m‌‌e a‌‌ g‌‌ood t‌‌ime. When w‌‌e g‌‌ot o‌‌utside, s‌‌he r‌‌an a‌‌ 4‌‌0 y‌‌ard d‌‌ash i‌‌n 4‌‌.8 s‌‌econds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation? I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do people say \"break a leg\" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you guys ever get your fingers stuck in beer bottles? It happened to me once in a blue moon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule. Doesn't exist by definition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend asked Robert Plant why he didn't like reddit He answered: \"I couldn't get no silver, I couldn't get no gold...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are hurricanes the best natural disaster? They at least have the decency to get you wet before violently fucking you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The American education system obviously listens to Pink Floyd… …they've left those kids a loan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My stomach is flat. The L is silent. .."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands... So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was talking to my physics teacher... Teacher: hey, do you know what salt lake city is?Me: yeahTeacher: cool, you know what den city is?Me: no?Teacher: oh, its mass over volume"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a huge uproar when the official theme song of the National Leukemia Foundation was announced What's wrong with \"Bad to the Bone\"?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said \"I want you to try to sell this to me.\" So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.Eventually he called me and said \"Bring my laptop back here right now!\"I said \"$200 and it's yours.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side A daddy wrong legs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a group of Giraffes? a Myth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cook got his hand caught in the dish-washer and they were both fired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor. More on this after the break."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Need to save a bit of money during the lock-down. I am getting rid of Google, Siri and Alexa, and I am going to sell all of my Wikipedia and Guinness World record books. I don't need them anymore.My fucking wife knows everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if you drop a blue marble in the Red Sea? It sinks.(Courtesy of my 9 year old daughter)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat? Wendy’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album? Dark side of the Moon, for it's eclectic instrumentation and higher than average production values."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my parents were getting divorced, I was given a choice to go with my mom or dad. I chose my mom. I left my dad for milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!\" said Papa Bear. \"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!\" said Mama Bear.\"Please stop fighting,\" sobbed Baby Bear. \"It's Christmas.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, reports say he fell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the plastic surgeon priest’s favourite thing to do? Alter boys"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Reverend Rabbit say before blessing his meal ? Lettuce Pray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cow and a cat are chatting in a field... ...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.  The cat walks off smarmily and says, \"Well, see you later, prime rib.\"  And the cow replies, \"Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't Monsters eat Ghosts? They taste like sheet!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the inventor of the typewriter was unknown until recent discoveries in China? The new discoveries point to a man named Tye Ping"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a decent joke about a cow but it’s pretty offensive so I’ll probably need to take it down [remooooooved]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear... \"What's this for? he asked.I replied, \"A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kink went from gross to illegal I like to have my face touched...by 6 feet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you live with a terminal disease? You don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer. Hans is literally the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How are a hippo and Zippo similar? One is very heavy, the other's only a little lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why was the woman afraid for the calendar? A: She said its days were numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the child who wouldn't nap guilty of? Resisting a rest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do turtles communicate with each other? With shell phones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? \"Supplies!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "UK is a very generous country It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I asked my daughter for a phone book... She said \"you're such a boomer\" and handed me her phone.  So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk! So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Come on Nancy Pelosi.. you can't just rip one on live television like that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day It's my Pie DayPie Day's over, get out of my house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Is a plastic surgeon He specializes In hand jobs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is chicken used as currency called? Legal tender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry? Because we live in a mask era."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends used to laugh at me when I told them that I wanted to become a comedian Well nobody's laughing now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder? Endless love."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl... 14."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes. \"I won't stand for this\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors, and three Captains and two Lieutenants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who makes a spelling error AFTER editing their comment?... An Ediot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, \"I suppose you want a White Rabbit.\" The Easter Bunny says, \"I don't care, just give me something hoppy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, \"Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment.\" I said, \"Sure, there's that...\" \"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed. It would be a real game changer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grizzly bear can jump higher than a house. Mainly because houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area. I'll be known as The Drone Ranger."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Oxygen and Nitrogen train at the gym together? Air conditioning"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is relative humidity? The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow If you find it, you go to prism."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat An aerial view of a toilet lid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bathroom Humour What do you call a person who uses a lavatory on an army base?A Loo Tenant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a bank gets robbed by ghosts, then it’s a Polterheist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A preschool teacher is teaching a student basic geography Teacher: \"what state do you live in?\"Student: \"denial.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats a Republicans favorite instrument? A Trumpet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well this should spice things up. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had too much Middle Eastern food today. Now I falafel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, \"I suppose you want a White Rabbit.\" The Easter Bunny says, \"I don't care, just give me something hoppy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most popular chili in the Middle East? Halalpeño."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat? One mucks around in fountains."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a scary library in my town... ...everytime I go there I get goosebumps."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you describe how Al Gore plays drums? Al-Gore-rhythms!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel... ...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the petrol station to pump up my car tyre... and the guy charged me 50p. I said “it was only 20p last week”. He said “that’s the price of inflation”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked \"What are you supposed to be?\" I answered \"A turtle\" \"Why?\" they asked... \"That's Michelle\" I said"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my three year old for a walk and he started crying because I accidentally stood on a toad stool. Not sure why he was so upset, I'm the one with frog shit on my shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who does a racist call when his car breaks down? Triple K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my grandfather who was a dentist for 40 years How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?Because everywhere else it would be a teethbrush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window... ...she said it was a little condescending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? They're very scent-imental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches? A: The outside!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get? The No-bell prize."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees access the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they're bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs. Me: You're the one with the talking dog!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I googled \"how to start a wildfire\"... I got 48,500 matches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an optimist from a pessimist? Ask them to pronounce OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE."}
{"character": "random", "line": "was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: \"I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?\" Waiter: \"You can get the hell out of here\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother was a founding pioneer for the Weathertech products. She had clear vinyl on her furniture"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unfortunately, the longest day of the year is just under a month away... And I still don’t know what to get her for her birthday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you chop a tree down in the middle of the forest, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down Do you think it's stumped?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud? One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the JavaScript developer sad? Because he didn't Node how to Express himself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium. HONK"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thats a Bug \\*\\*Scientist: Dick Bug\\*\\*  Other Scientist: no  \\*\\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\\*\\*  Other Scientist: no  \\*\\*Scientist: Cock Roach\\*\\*  Other Scientist: fine whatever"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pupil: My neighbour, Mr Chang, got run over and killed by a steam roller. Teacher: Johnny! That’s awful and has nothing to do with the homework I set you. Sit down immediately! Pupil: But Miss, you said we had to talk about crushed Asians."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor the operation was a success Patient really?Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, my subcontractors are still working on it, we're behind schedule, my credit line and bank facilities won't get approved because my auditor won't release a clean audit report......it's a mess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face? One is bugging a slug.The other is slugging a bug"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one ocean say to the other Nothing they just waved.Did you sea what I did there?Are you shore that you get it?Maybe I didn't shell you the joke.I think you need to clam down.Woah, stop being such a beach.Whale then, that's all the puns I have today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone tricked into signing a terrible deal? The groom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick? One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^There once was a [person] from [place]Whose [body part] was [special case].When [event] would occur,It would cause [him or her]To violate [law of time/space]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian To show up at my funeral in black suits and say  \"thank you boss\", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid... Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People not wanting to wearing masks is natural. Natural selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other... ...most of them would fall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 65 year old mum bought one of those sphynx cats the other day. Now she's going around telling everyone about her new bald pussy! TrueMotherFuckingStory!! Face-palm!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight on Thursday Night Football, the stadium was 25% full of fans. Turns out they didn’t actually have any Covid policies in place. That’s just the kind of turnout you get when it’s the Bengals and the Browns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was arrested by a policeman for sitting in the park not doing anything. The charge was impersonating a politician."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My internet connection is a lot like my grandad It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings? Brutus: Columns, sir.Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench? The NBA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bottle of beer, a mirror, and a condom were having an argument Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!  Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!  Condom: Hahaha...amateurs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt. Personally I think he torques out of his arseEdit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.Thankyou everyone!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Biology Teacher Asked What ATP is... I replied, \"where Native Americans live.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Farmers would make a lot more money if they didn't grow avocado. They should try growing twovocadoes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens have a hard time waking up early Because dawn is tough on grease"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Helen Keller's favorite mouthwash? Jergen's lotion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an alarm in the mornimg But it's to tell me to go to sleep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s black and slides down Nelson’s column? Winnie Mandela."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?” “I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.“Who?” the son asks.“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dragon would never explode But a dino might"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all? A swinger."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment? Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Pirate Walked Into A Bar With A Ship's Wheel A pirate walked into a bar with a ship's wheel fastened to his belt buckle.  The bartender says, \"Sir, do you know you have a ship's wheel fastened to your belt buckle?\"  To which the pirate responds, \"Aye, it's driving me nuts!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Catholic cows do on Fridays? Chew their cod."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan Dr.: No"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to catch some fog. But I mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a mummy's favorite food? Wraps."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast. Just so she could have a “titty tat.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust acupuncture specialists? They'll always stab you in the back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally “you will be toad”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Carp is about to hit the fan. That's right, I'm going fishing in a helicopter!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, \"What's happening!?\" \"The big bad wolf!\" a goat shouted. \"Is meditating!\"\"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.\"Noooo!\" the goat bleated. \"It's become aware wolf!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son Son scowls and said: \"Mommy I told you I hate salad!\" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.Mom angrily responds: \"Oh you salad tosser!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How copper wire was invented. Dad: So, what did you need help with?Son: I need to know how copper wire was invented.Dad: It all started when 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.Son: ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it... I guess as long as I live with  my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snowman dressed up as a cop? Just-ice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW There once lived a man from Nantucket Who decided one day to say \"Fuck it.\"He climbed up to the top,Fell down with a hop,And that's how he kicked the bucket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always tip my waiter. He always looks so surprised when he hits the floor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "{air horn sound} {second air horn sound}Me: “this isn’t deodorant”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are the bathrooms so quiet at Pfizer headquarters? ....Because the P is silent.   (a 12 year old told me this after I got my Pfizer vaccine)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did they call the conflict between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr? The Ham-Burr-Grrr.I'm not even sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.” “Not even for coffee??”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was the number one tire salesman over 12 out of 15 quarters They were mostly Good years"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a pair of Meatloaf underpants [NSFW] The front says \"I would do anything for love\", and the back says \"but I won't do that\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week! Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having trouble reading the paper the other day . . . . . . so I went to the optimist and he said everything was fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have a daughter named after my mother in law Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Mountain Dew that gives you a heart attack? Mountain Dew Code Blue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I performed an opening one night for a surgeon, really funny guy They kicked me out of the hospital and called the cops"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently I know next to nothing about the Middle East Looks like I’ve been living under Iraq."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear... \"What's this for? he asked.I replied, \"A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that's angry about being cold? A ham brr grr!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lamb, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff Baaah dummm tssssssss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I parked my car outside parliament. \"Sir, you can't park here,\" said a cop. \"This is where our politicians work.\" \"Don't worry, I've locked it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar.. Any help would be appreciated.Cheers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was out-standing in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pile of cats?  A Meowtain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow. Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I climbed the stairs and saw a man standing on the edge about to jump. \"Don't do it!\" I screamed. \"Your life is worth more than that!\"Anyway, then he jumped, and I was escorted down from the diving board."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know you can tell which women are the biggest coffee lovers by their bust size? They're the ones with K cups."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive. Unless that language is Klingon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a slightly injured Cow? Ow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place? They always bring up the rear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the tiger fall asleep? It had nothing to lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Brain transplants will never be possible. Change my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato that gets things done? A facilitater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you rearrange the letters of Postmen they get very angry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kink went from gross to illegal I like to have my face touched...by 6 feet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I make rabbit tuxedos for a living. I'm a hare-dresser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What I if told you… That you read the top line wrong?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Elton John hates lettuce? He’s more of a rocket man"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "These are the hardest to pull off. You have to wait until the setup comes to you before you can strike."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a video game rematch? A Wii-match."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper? A: Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it's pretty handy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that's comparing apples to oranges."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a skeleton's favourite drink? A full-bodied wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hot blond is filling out a form. Where it says \"sex\" she put \"Infrequently\". The clerk asked her.... \"Is that one word or two?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unexpected She: Why is your shirt smudged with ink blots?He: I refilled a printer cartridge at work today.Octopus under their bed: *whispers* Tell her about us, you chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife : How dare you saved my mobile number as Covid 19 Husband : Because you take my breath away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor? Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit.Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know crocodiles could grow up to  feet? But most just have ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steam isn’t a Jihadi’s favourite state of water. Ice is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above. It's my new year's resolution."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add \"art\" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language... it's SCHOOL"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brain is like a government computer It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to name my hotdog \"The Moment\"... ...so I can relish it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? They had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Hurricane Dorian becomes a major hurricane... Will it be called Hurricane Mixolydian?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One secret policeman asks another, “What do you think of the regime?” ... Nervously, the second policeman replies, “The same as you, comrade.” At that point the first one pulls out handcuffs and says, “In that case, it is my duty to arrest you.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An attractive snow-woman notices a snowman gawking at her. She says, “Listen pal, my ice are up here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo mamma so hairy She gotta comb her wrist to see what time it is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens. Not as a full time job just a way to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Country boy is late for school class and teacher asks him \"Why are you late? Where have you been?\"\\- \"I had to bring cow to be inseminated by a bull.\"\\- \"Couldn't your father do it?\"\\- \"I guess he could but I though bull would do a better job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy. I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs. I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: \"take me to your leader\". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship..... \"Where are you going?!  Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!\" calls a Senator.  \"You are right!\" responds the alien. \"See you on Thursday!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The USA is number 1 when dialing internationally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... \"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?\" He asked. \"Where were you educated?\"\"Yale,\" replied the young accountant.\"Such a grand university - what is your name?\"\"Yim Yohansen\" replied the accountant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my grandson if he had a newspaper. He said “nobody buys a newspaper anymore, use my iPad” He was shocked when it smashed against the wall. That damn fly never knew what hit it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth? A toothbrush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the ghetto snowman call his friends? His snowmies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home... The smile on her face vanished when I took away her cardboard box."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two redditors walk into a bar. \"Well technically,\" the first argues, \"it is a Pub since it serves food.\"\"Actually,\" the second says, \"it is a Saloon since it is a part of a hotel.\"Neither remembers the point of this post."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore. There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity. So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.Free of charge"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a crab have in common with a Chinese guy who gets run over by a bus? They're both crushed Asians."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action. So I expanded the kitchen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle. At least not right off the top of my head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im worried for my calender. its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stomp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stomp out flaming ducks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man forgot to zip his trousers... so a lady told him politely... “Sir your garage is open.” The man gave her a naughty smile and zipped his trousers and asked.. “Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?”The lady smiled back and said..“No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women… I'm calling it: Cadaviar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Farmers would make a lot more money if they didn't grow avocado. They should try growing twovocadoes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Russian family always ate very bland food. However, one day they invited their Mexican neighbor over for dinner. When little Ivan asked his Babushka while their food tasted so much more flavorful, she replied: Jesus is the reason for the season."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A student asked his teacher if it was dangerous to mix oxygen and potassium... The teacher said it was OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend caught me slipping laxatives into his food the other night. All he said was “You’re shitting me right.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to you piss off a writer? The list off ways is to long too fit hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card? \"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "From my kids: What do you call a pre meal snack for dogs? Appawtizer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch? So he could greet visitors with a handshake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's never too late to lose weight. My dad lost 130 pounds moments before we spread his ashes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clark: \"I'll have a coke.\" Flight attendant: \"Do you want that in the can?\" Clark: \"No, I'll have it right here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When do computers overheat? When they need to vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I'm after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a gross pig and a wizard have in common? Hogwarts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do monsters like to watch movies on? Wide scream TVs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state do crayons go to on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hear you, brother \\- Pity me sir, I have a wife and six children, said the beggar.  The gentleman replied:  - Dear fellow! Accept my heartfelt sympathy, so have I!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "History is a lot like Imagine Dragons... It's repetitive, never really good, and somehow only getting worse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MTV turns 40 this year. Thanks for 14 years of music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority? Because he likes Dicks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level. It was a tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Irish love powers of 2? They love Dublin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank? Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were born without legs. I guess it runs in the- wait a minute"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad says to his son “Ten times two and eleven times two equal the same number” The son says it’s wrongThe dad asks “what’s ten times two?”The son replies “Twenty”Then the dad says “And eleven times two is twenty too!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always like to finish my conversations with a self-deprecating joke... ...like me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having children is a lot like making pancakes The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book. She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orca-stra."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?    Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how much I hate observational comedy? This much."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Man and a Cucumber? Cucumbers don't mind hiding in the fridge when your Mum gets home"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my Google assistant to tell me what was the name of the number with 100 zeros I’ve already tried 5 times, and it keeps refreshing to the main page. Geez, thanks a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the giraffe leave her boyfriend? He was a Cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test? With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole, But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An angry customers walks back in a donut shop. He says to the worker:\"Why isn't my donut glazed?!The worker respond:\"Look sir, i'm not going to sugar coat it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke by my 6 year old niece 6: Why did the chicken cross the road?Me:I don't know why?6: He didnt, he got hit by a truck!Still gets me 13 years later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Christmas, I asked Mariah Carey if I could get her a big open space to park her cars, but she declined She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library... Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you confuse an idiot? Summer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came up with a science joke... Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?They have a big carbon footprint..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, \"That's very noble of you\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife - I have changed my mind. Husband - Have you gotten a working one now?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns. Wheel sea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Jewish man walks into a cafe in Canada and asks the waiter if they have any Canadian Jews \"I'm sorry,\" the waiter replied. \"We only have orange!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Now that Benedict XVI is out of work... ...like all good celebs, he's releasing a fragrance. Expect to see Popepourri on the shelves this summer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Come right in, Mr. Trump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no wheel chair characters in battle royal games? Because it's last person standing wins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda. Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Brazilian percussionist who was severely injured in a conga line? He made a maraca-ulous recovery. It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch. The \\*For Biden\\* files."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom. I'm pissed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that steel got into a heated argument once Ever since then, it has been tempered metal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to see a wizard and says, \"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?\" “Maybe,\" says the wizard, \"Can you remember the exact words of the curse?\" The man replies, \"I pronounce you man and wife.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week? The news has dubbed him \"Billy the Kid.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. \"T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL\" I said, can't turn that down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be. No need to keep reminding her every hour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we \"be positive\", but it's hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do ghosts buy their food? The ghostery store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton artist want to show his skull-ptures? Because his heart wasn't in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes, the greatest joke of all is when you explain why you refuse to tell the joke. Actually, your kids will always say it's better when you refuse to tell the joke, but tell them these anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did frosty the snowman have to go to the dentist? He has a very bad case of frost bite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women have periods? Because they can't be questioned"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I received a letter from my opticians, but I’m concerned about their printer.... Either it’s failing or they used a blurry font. So weird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?” The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves. The correct answer was blood vessels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As my beloved grandfather would always say: I’d rather have a bottle in front of me... ...than a frontal lobotomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct They found Jesus and got raptored"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I learned that the vasectomy was invented by the Ancient Greek physician Euclipides. Euclipides nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the Gold Coast called the Gold Coast? Because the country it's in is called *Au*stralia. If it were the Silver Coast, it'd be *Ag*stralia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the politician that ran out of ideas? I told him he's probably constipated, and drinking a cup of coffee should get the shit flowing again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is an Ambulance slow? Because its a Patient Transport"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does a rabbi charge for a circumcision Nothing. He just keeps the tips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't toys made from paper move Because they are stationary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes. I guess that makes him a small medium at large..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift... My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries. Merry Christmas!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An electrician was shocked by a live wire when he was asked why... He said he couldn't resist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rooster lays an egg on top of a roof. Which way does it roll? Roosters don’t lay eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m Venezuelan, if I had a dollar for every time people ask me about the political situation in my country I would have enough money to get the hell out of here"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a man on the street dressed as Henry VIII. He was sitting on the sidewalk asking people for money.I thought, that can't be right; beggars can't be Tudors?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Spanish teacher quit her job in the middle of our numbers lesson She left without a Tres"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A question for men with no penis... How come?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the network engineer give to his fiancée? A token ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol. And I thought \"6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an aggressive computer dinosaur do? An aggressive computer dinosaur goes **.rar** to assert its dominance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two old men sat in a library and one asked the other have you read Marx? I think it comes from sitting on these wicker chairs for too long he replied"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I broke up with my girlfriend, Ruth.. Now her friends call me ruthless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company It’s going to be called Au Nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light? fiber optics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres. Person: <signing> How so?Me: <signing> You see what I mean?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hot neighbor I was excited when my hot neighbor said she would bring me something special last night, it turned out she wanted to gift me models for earth and neptuneShe gave me blue balls and left"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention... Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mary had a little lamb. The event made medical history."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where's John? Ted: Hey Joe, why ain't John working with us today?Joe: He's in the hospital.Ted: That's impossible, I saw him just yesterday dancing with a stripper!Joe: Yeah, his wife saw him too..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which US state is the sneeziest? Mass-atchoo-setts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me \"have you ever been convicted of a felony?\" \"Does stealing a joke count?\" I asked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2015, while addressing graduates of SMU, George W. Bush said; \"To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.\"Then Donald Trump came and said “Bush has denied us, Americans our right to be POTUS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"It's a revolution!\" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Scared the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If karma was a currency, Reddit would be a capitalist society But I've figured out how to make reddit into a communist society.They just need to seize the memes of production."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm... He looks at his wife and says \"that's the pig I've been telling you about\"For the wife to respond \"Deer, that's a duck.\"The farmer cuts back \"I was talking to the duck.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born. To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two grains of sand going through the desert Suddenly one tells the other: \"Dude, i think we're being followed.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a pickpocket went to a nudist beach... He hated it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, \"I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do college vampires like to shop? Forever"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do anti vaxxers kids have in common with Peter Pan? They never grow old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you a gorilla pit? Cause I'd love to drop a kid in you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a truckload of tires on the interstate and they all fell out It was highway rubbery!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a row of dolls burning on a grill? Barbie Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do ...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like it when people to change my mind about things Change my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced \"That's shit, that is.\"\"I know.\" Replied Rolf. \"But if you'd let me have paints...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about that time Einstein panicked while hosting an awards show? He equals emcee scared."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donate one lung and you’re a hero I donate 7 and I get arrested"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All the teachers in my school were great. Apart from one. She hated girls. What was her name? Miss Ogyny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach? it's not hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”“Yes sir, we do.”“Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans. The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy got into a debate about flat bread being used for sandwiches. We decided it was a naan issue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War. These quadricopters are going to be named \"Strikekirts\", which reads the same forwards and backwards.Why?It's because they are Palindrones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What currency do processes use to bribe the processor? They use cache"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put a slice of bread in the oven and forgot to set the timer. As soon as I could smell it burning I knew it was toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "r/jokes is the most environment-friendly sub on Reddit It is made of 97% recycled material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the castle cut the grass It was already moat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.So far there has been mixed reviews.People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Magic: The Gathering players love Michelle Obama? She's a first edition Black Flotus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year’s resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorant. Roll on 2019"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A warning to people with kidney disease. Urine trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!\" I was yelling at my pregnant wife.. But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders. That seems like a sound strategy to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Years ago, Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo died in custody under Xi Jinping, who denied any connection to the incident. They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hotel Porn I'm a modest man. I checked into my hotel recently and told the lady at the registration desk, \"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.\" She replied, \"No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pennsylvania and New Jersey changed their state mottos today in order to cut their highway budgets. Now they both proudly display \"Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays\" on their welcome signs to better reflect the status of their roadways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The girl I like really loves orange soda. Sadly, she's way out of my league. Is this a Crush, or just a Fanta-sy?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Meghan may face some akward times with the Royal Family at the funeral of Prince Philip But luckily, black is generally accepted at funerals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's big, pink and hard first thing in the morning, and sometimes I get my wife to help me with it. Anybody else like the *Financial Times* crossword?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If youre having trouble losing weight Try gaining weight for new years resolution"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.God ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once met a pig that made horse noises. It was my neighbor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on. Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon: 'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.''Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist  Tooth hurt-y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What will Dave Grohl say when his children start going back to school after the pandemic? Walkin' to learn again...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can you all please stop hating on Pepsi, Coke, and Orange Crush? Seriously, it's soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink and Michael had a penis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said.  Take these drinks to table nine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs. It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Strippers don't use air conditioners... Only fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 has a new calendar out JanuaryFebruaryLockdownDecember"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know if a mermaid will be top half fish or bottom half fish?......Flip a coin! Heads or tails?! sorry if this joke was a bit fishy but I just go with the flow\\~ xD"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's America's favorite soda? Mini soda."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baby strawberry cry? His parents were in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a cow use to do math? A cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use \"beef stew\" as a password? It's not stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I once saw an argument in a comment section, a man said, “How many chromosomes do you have?” The other replied, “More than you”.The sheer confidence he had"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got into an heated negotiation with someone on offerup over some gym equipment. Hopefully it works out in my favor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my job at the bank Turns out you're not supposed to push customers if they ask you to check their balance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists... Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr Potato Head’s wife is upset. She claims he won’t tater anywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is it hard to spot a leopard? No.  They come that way.  \\- Courtesy of my eight year old, about ten seconds ago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know why the barista got so angry when I knocked over her container of cash and coins... The sign said \"tip jar\"..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the best part of an asbestos smoothie? The fiber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, \"son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!\" \"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships...? So they can see the old Iran navy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My love life has become like my bank card.. Contact less."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way... ...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion? An ion! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked \" are you alright, sir ?\" Sean : \"it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ... I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase. I said, \"Don't forget your Baghdad\".(Hopefully it isn't a repost)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970? Insemination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you muzzle a wounded sheep? To help stop the bleating"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandad \"Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips.\" Grandson \"Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough\" Grandad \"back in my day... 2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cafe owner girlfriend broke up with me last night. I guess I just wasn't her cup of tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an airplane full of Accountants? A Boring 747!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "OBSERVATION Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What to do when your mother in law is zigzagging across your backyard? Shoot again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a brothel and the American school system have in common? The workers are under paid, the building probably isn’t up to code and you’re likely to leave thoroughly fucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nvidia teams up with Oceana nonprofit to track manta rays' travelling habits They're applying their latest ray tracing technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a human and a pig? A visit from the FBI and an immediate removal of your government funding"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW what'd the sodomite say to his spouse after an argument lets put a plug in it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German visits Poland. A German visits Poland, and is stopped at the boarder by a Polish official.The Polish Official asked \"Occupation?\"The German replied \"Yes,\" and thus began the bloodiest conflict in human history."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three old women are sitting at a park bench, talking about the weather when suddenly a naked man runs past them. Th first woman has a stroke. the second one has a stroke as well. the third one almost had a stroke, but her arms were too short."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that he replaced the Oxygen with Uranium in a water molecule. I was like, \"HUH?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Needed to find a therapy specialist How to find one? Tried my luck searching for a probable urls. Internet is so stupid. Seriously? I could not find simple address like therapistfinder.org"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today. He said \"this is the first time I've had a pat on the back\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: \"Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?\" The man replies: \"I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out.\"The woman blushes and asks: \"What do you think now?\"The man says: \"I think, I did a pretty good job with that.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Avengers cast Interviewer: are you a humanAvengers endgame cast: I am not sure if I am aloud to tell you that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went into a cafe today to get some hot cocoa and sit down. The lady at the table next to me was on her computer and clearly becoming irate. She starts getting all huffy, throwing expletives here and there under her breath. Seconds later, she goes full crazy... \"You can't tell me what to do you stupid piece of trash!?!\" I happened to glance over at her screen and see this, she was in command prompt...C:\\Users\\Karen>taskmgr.exe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff… Baa dum ssss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do alcoholics run in your family? No, they usually drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Popeye like his martini prepared? One Olive on the rocks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the masturbating crab? He really came out of his shell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names... she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You may know that baby owls are called \"owlets\", but did you know where they come from? The owlet mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, \"Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, \"For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dave went to the store for a box of mothballs. His closet was infested with moths and he needed a solution. The next day, Dave returned to buy five more boxes.“Weren’t you just here yesterday to buy a box of mothballs?” the store clerk asked.“Yes, but I used up that box already. Those suckers are hard to hit when they start moving!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, How do you make a Motherboard? He said, I tell her about my job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the man ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie (Maybe leave this one until the kids aren't around!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do I look? With your eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about VR for Cows? In Russia they are using Virtual reality to enhance cows moods and increase milk production. On theose cold dreary days the put the VR headset on them and show them summer pastures.You could say it is a mooood enhancer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Story of Ruth and Johnnie Once upon a time...Ruth and Johnny drove through the woods To see what they could see. The car hit a bump. Then Ruth hit a tree. But Johnny went on. Ruthlessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Oberyn Martell's favorite cartoon? Popeye"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.God ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Celebrities who release perfumes... Have they no scents of shame?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't Bolivia Peru-v it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the motto of the American Writers Guild? YOU ESSAY! YOU ESSAY!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The bottle of suncream I bought said \"When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses\". It's probably more but they're just covering themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra. But he was spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old lady walks into a pharmacy while shaking vigorously and breathing heavily. Old lady: Excuse me?Pharmacist: yes? How can i help you?Old lady: Do you have a XXL Super Large vibrator with alkaline batteries? Pharmacist: yes, we do. Old lady: For gods sake, tell me how to turn it of!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft... Today, it's called golf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide So near, and yet sofa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Stevie Wonder and Drake? Stevie has a legitimate reason why he hasn't seen his children."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature It went from 0 to 100 real quickP.S sorry Americans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history Is in the past."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument? They had a fallout."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars? The Mangolorian.(Made up for an eight year old)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife can't figure out why my pet anaconda won't eat Bratwurst a la cart I told her that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. \"Boss,\" he said, \"the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!\"\"That's fine,\" said the boss, \"but where were you yesterday?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology. Me and my big face-hole thingy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles. I asked her to not be so clothes-minded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Need your eggs fertilized this Easter? I've got a cock for that.  Just needs grains 2x a day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when it's time to change the channel? *\"Previously on God Friended Me...\"*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned, when someone says ' take my breath away ' they... don't mean their asthma pump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln? They can't finish a play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the celery say to the carrot? You've got a point.Credit to my niece"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ... I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life is like a diploma My parents keep telling me to get one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A circle is circular, a triangle is triangular, a rectangle is rectangular, but a square is... You. You're a square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss at the cereal factory pulled me into his office... “I like your recipes son, but I think we should make some changes.”“Ok”, I said, “Like What?”“Well, first I’d like to dip it in sucrose.  Then, I’d like to dust it with dextrose -““Stop right there”, I said.  “No need to sugar coat it.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, \"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size.\" \"Will this help?\" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. \"Oh, yes,\" he answered. \"Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours.\" \"Will there be anything else?\" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. \"Now that you mention it,\" he replied, \"she also needs a bra and panties.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ready for a COVID-19 Silver Lining? I might actually get social security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think Germany was the best prepared country for Covid-19. They already have a tradition of greeting each other at a distance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs? It’s about thyme!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?\"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.\"He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me this joke, I'm very sorry What did the Chimney say to his son?You are too young to smoke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy has stopped trying to date cougars and is chasing something older! Are those called sabre-toothed tigers?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Egyptian doctor? Cairo-practor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns? I wish they would have tortoise that in school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well... I think they deserve a raise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if you stick a fork in an outlet? The answer might shock you..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mum and dad used to make me keep my pocket money in a box under the stairs. I was 15 before I found out it was the gas meter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Siri,\" I asked my phone, \"why am I so bad with women? She responded, \"I'm Bixby, you moron.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, \"When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.\" \"Oh yeah?\" the son retorts. \"Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle? A: Attire!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross Halloween with rugby? Drop ghouls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd like to apologize to all my fellow Californians for the recent forest fires. Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brothers surprise birthday party. That's when I realised he was the favourite twin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend says to me: \"What rhymes with silver\" I said \"No it doesn't\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are writers really good at coding? Because they are really into Pro grammar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always get a little sad during hurricane season in south Florida... ...you could say I have tropical depression."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A samurai’s wife asks him to go down on her He responded it’s Bushydo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mondays are like prostate exams... A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you catch an elephant? First, you’ll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Upon discovery of some sandstone deposits in a dried-up river, Mr. Watson questioned Sherlock Holmes on how he could be so sure it's sandstone. \"Why, it's sedimentary, my dear Watson!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet... Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend is irreplaceable. Wish I kept the receipt now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about the SCP foundation? [redacted]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does one potato say to another when he’s horny? Wanna hash?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans. I called for there server: \"Waitress, there's soup in my fly\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you make grass slippery? Do you make windows wet? Are you a morning person? If so, you may be dew condensation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I realize I've put on some weight, so I joined an aerobics class. When I got there I jumped and gyrated and bent and twisted. But by the time I got my gym shorts on the hour was over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As we were sitting down for dinner, my girlfriend told me, “I think we need to see other people... For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.” I said, “Ok. And for the main course?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The day a guy come up to me and says 'Daniel I know you fucked my mom' I'm going to be very confused. Not because he falsely accused me of fucking his mom, but because my name isn't Daniel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say \"Congrats!\"... When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say \"Congrats!\". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say \"Well done!\".Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you catch an elephant? First, you’ll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear? When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Tie me up.\" One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. \"Tie me up,\" she purred, \"and you can do anything you want.\" So he tied her up and went golfing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know a man is a programmer? Send him shopping and tell him: \"Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10.\" If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cake joke for cake day: What did the cake say to the fork? Do you want a piece of me?!Happy cake day to me :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are most American men circumcised? Because its rude to have the hospital deliver you and not leave a tip"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A physicist on trial for murder stated that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle made it impossible to place him at the scene of the crime The judge gave him a life sentence and told him to use his expertise to determine what quantity of his person was within or outside of prison at any given time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you listen to rock backwards you hear satanic messages, what do you get when you listen to country music backwards? Your wife back, your life back, and your dog back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor I’ll post it soon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] Three little kittens are sliding slowly of a slanted metal roof. Which one hits the ground first? The one with the littlest mew.(This is a physics joke, by the way. I posted it to /r/physicsjokes shortly after I wrote it, but I thought I'd try here)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class. I've never run so far in my life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the letter arrive wet? Because it had postage dew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Chris Nolan say after he got a movie idea? \"Where's ma-co-caine? \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you use to make an Argument Sandwich? Disagree-dients"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John brings his car into a mechanic for an inspection Mechanic: Everything seems to be working OK, except your car horn is broken.John: No, it's not broken, it's just indifferent.Mechanic: What do you mean, indifferent?John: Well, it just doesn't give a hoot…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size? They were sole mates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an exercise class instructed by a crazy person? Psychokinetics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does everyone hang out with matches? Because they're lit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but... What if you aren't Catholic?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the liquor store today and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?” I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Knock knock!\" who's there?\"You!\" You who? \"YooHoo Big summer blow out!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which month do wives complain the least? February because it has fewer days."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I'm good at lip reading correctly... Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag? \"No thanks, I'm traveling light!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When do computers overheat? When they need to vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches call their garage? A broom closet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I drew up plans for Duckingham Palace, but I can't find them. So I guess we'll just have to wing' it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories... Makes scents..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The bermuda triangle used to be known as the bermuda rectangle, until one of the sides mysteriously vanished."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it. Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the fight at the witch's cafe? It was bruja brew brouhaha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side. It scared my wife pretty bad. I assured her he’s all right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I are debating whether or not to get marble countertops in our kitchen I feel like we’ll just take them for granite"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was recently admitted to the emergency room because of a tendency to talk with his hands too much. He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911 - 911?- Yes- Well, now you're 910."}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs... That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet But they usually only have 4"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as yo mama lmao"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about China's new space program? I hear it's going to be a Long March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a middle easterner's favorite instrument? Qatar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a really dumb zipper? A zipshit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All lives begin... ...with a crowning achievement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*Walks in on my dad inserting a bullet up his ass* My dad: ''Don't worry, I'm just fucking around''"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it. You can say I'm agnocchic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics? It's haunted by spirits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, \"Windy ain't it?\"Bob says, \"Nah, it's Thursday.\"Vick says, \"Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman just pulled me over. He came up to my window and said, \"papers?\" I said, \"Scissors, I win,\" and drove off.I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants By making America so bad they'll leave on their own."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are wires addicted to electricity? They can't resist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is arguing and breaking up And he says:- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife. They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes? Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks? Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.Seriously though, fuck geese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hail Storms Long may they rain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy who throws motorcycles? Hurley Davidson"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, my Geography teacher Adolf will give me a quiz tomorrow. Sure Hans. Let me ask you some questions.Capital of Germany? BerlinCapital of France? BerlinCapital of Russia? BerlinCapital of Poland? BerlinCapital of USA? TokyoCapital of China? TokyoHotel? TrivagoThat's my boy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crayon that looks like a strawberry? A cranberry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I WENT to the bank and asked to open a joint account. The banker said, ”Certainly , with who?” I said, “With anyone who has money.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup. Me: You don't need makeup.GF: Aww thanks Me: You need plastic surgery"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive I am just lucky my brother told me about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a man fall on the ground and his wife yelled, \"Someone call him an ambulance!\" So I yelled back \"Hey dude, you're an ambulance!\" and left. Hope he's ok."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase. I have too much shelf respect."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirates favorite CD? A CD-R"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So everyone know that Seven ate Nine, but why did Seven eat Nine? Seven wanted to eat three square meals a day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a professional fisherman and a teenage boy? One’s a master baiter, the other’s a masturbator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to take a drug test to see if I was on hallucinogens I passed with flying colors"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cold Mexican food? A Brrrr-rito.Guess what I had for breakfast. Apologies if repost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the beach yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign that said \"Lobster Tails $1\". I thought that was a good deal, so I gave the man the money and he said \"Once upon a time there was a lobster...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is H.P. Lovecraft's favorite streaming service? C'hulu!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called a suicide support line in the middle east They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say:’ why don’t they protest peacefully?’ And then here comes this guy: ‘why don’t they just do a Zoom protest? ’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the guitarist get arrested? Copyright infringement"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the alpaca say to his date? \"Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do snails fight? They slug it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do fisherman say on Halloween? Trick or trout."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Doctor do Fish go to? Sturgeons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class I replied, \"no wonder you're the biggest dick'this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex Now she'll know what rejection feels like..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Theodore so concerned when the stock price dropped? He was invest-Ted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an Emergency physician’s favorite cellular organelle? The ER"}
{"character": "random", "line": "my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender. And bonus, Donald Drum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up No one is moving on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse? Banging your cousin or your niece? It’s all relative"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments. YouTuba."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election! It's called President Evil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition. It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm in the hospital right now. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. But let me just say, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Compliments of Hank Green"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play. I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC"}
{"character": "random", "line": "First 4 letters of Nevada is Neva In case you were wondering when they would finish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander? One acts a little, one acts a lottle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300. I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "And infinite number of mathmeticians walk into a bar. The first one goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders 1/4 of a beer. The bartender stops them and set 2 beers on the bar and says’ “You guys need to know your limits.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke? It was no laughing matter..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy sees an attractive girl in a cafe and walks up to her... Without knowing what to say he stood still and just stared at her for a few seconds. After a while he said. \"Are you sitting on the F5 key or something cause your ass is refreshing.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis? Fucks funny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally swallowed some food coloring... The doctor says I'm ok, but I feel like I'm dyeing inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal. When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Billy: \"Your mare - what breed is it?\" Jack: \"No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. \" \"Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?\" \"Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime.\" \"Tsk tsk tsk...  a nightmare.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin. Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... \"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?\" He asked. \"Where were you educated?\"\"Yale,\" replied the young accountant.\"Such a grand university - what is your name?\"\"Yim Yohansen\" replied the accountant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said \"Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears. As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says \"You must be single.\"The man smiles and says \"Yeah, how did you know?\"\"Oh,\" she says, \"Because you're ugly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to eat a spaghetti squash... But then I thought, \"Nah, I butternut.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Kangaroo with bad manners? Kangarude"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic But it was a false Salaam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the cow get a pedicure? Because he lactose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Jewish dad cut off his son's gaming budget? Because his son had four skins already."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it. I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer's wife said \"300 times, isn't that wonderful dear?  Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how.\"  Farmer said \"Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a friend if he likes his job at the battery factory. He said it has pluses and minuses..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a small pole that can swim? A tadpole"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sitting in the sand at the nudist resort, I wondered, What's all the fuss about anal beaching?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo that's exhausted from trespassing? Out of bounds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: *crying* Santa isn't real! Me: of course he is!Son: •sniffle• but I stayed up all night and he didn't comeMe: aw, buddy, •kneels down• he must really hate you then"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a \"Grilled Cheese\" after a few days in the fridge? Chilled Grease"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One minute you're young and fun... The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? A philosiraptor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...She said, she's sorry she ever married me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much did the pirate's new earrings cost him? A buccaneer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a freshly fallen tree? Die Hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How Do Fish Get High? Seaweed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Ironman without the suit? Stark naked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone has glued my pack of cards together-I don't know how to deal with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is there so much security at a Samsung event? They are Guardians of the Galaxy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the two most open minded presidents? Abraham Lincoln and JFK..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Home Remedies Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer,  my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you attach stew to a blimp? Soup rise!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is... ....when you're getting a haircut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million: 1. Get up at 5:00AM every day  2. 90 minutes of cardio  3. Take a cold shower  4. Journal  5. Schedule out your day  6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company  7. Meditate"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Motel A man checks into a motel. He asks for a queen bed and non smoking. The lady at the desk asks if he has any special requests. The man requests that the porn be disabled. The woman yells at the man \"you sick bastard! We only have regular porn here!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "a man stabbed his salad 23 times. he said it was a historical reenactment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was really hesitant about going to Hiroshima for vacation but it was a blast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Gordon Ramsay discern a leopard from a jaguar? ITS FUCKING ROAR!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has 800 legs and only 16 teeth? The queue at Primark on Monday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight 6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my 4 year old niece. Why did the snowman go to the doctor?Because he lost his balls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So John Travolta's career has been dwindling recently... I guess you could say he fell from Grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my sister why she had all those strings tied to her fingers. She didn't remember."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was telling my friend about an officially Jewish country, and she said it was fake. I said it Israel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called \"Accessories To The Crime\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hookers were prepared for the pandemic because they’ve always offered curbside pickup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats? A pimp"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This Easter, the catholic church is sourcing all of it's bread and wine from a factory in China. It's called mass production."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in the days, I'd only take just $1 with me to the supermarket and came back with 3 bottles of soda and 2 bags of crisps But these days, there are surveillance cameras everywhere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a slice of stale bread, I used to hate mold. But it's growing on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be. He answered:640 x 480."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot. Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my sister why she had all those strings tied to her fingers. She didn't remember."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct  == Dec "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's the only person I know that buys so much from Amazon that she needs two shopping carts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the quickest way to discard an old bike? Put a lock on it an place it in downtown Vancouver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Beyonce's favorite letter? o o O o o o o o o o o O"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the doctor say to the ghost? You’re not getting enough exorcise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you beat a diabetic rapper in a rap battle Candy Bars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dyslexic uncle ruined Christmas... He warped all the presents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nothing ruins your Friday Like finding out it’s only Thursday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between squash and zucchini? You can't zucchini bugs!A family-friendly take on the age old \"jam VS jelly\" joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an English man at a world cup final? A referee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the redneck say when he walked in on his daughter using a cucumber to masturbate? Hey! I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like cucumber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John was excited to move into his new condo which was exactly below Dwayne Johnson's apartment. But soon he became ignorant & oblivious to things happening around him. Why? Because John was living under The Rock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important. I won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A karate professional is shooting a movie scene He fails the first take, to which the director remarks, \"Aren't you a professional? \"\"Yeah, but this is take one though. \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It is hard to find a good book They are all under cover"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena's full name is \"John Felix Anthony Cena Jr.\" Didn't see that one coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman knocked on my door. \"I need a word with you right now.\"\"OK,\" I replied, thinking to myself. Then I added: \"Got one...'sa*u*sage'.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t astronauts need health cover? Because they are never under the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey baby, are you a library book? Because the authorities are telling me to return you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is. One student raises his hand and says. “That’s a dick ma’am”The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.A few minutes later, the principal walks in.“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I set up a small nuclear power plant in my garage. It was running well until I got busted by a fish and game warden of all people. He gave me a fat ticket for not having a fission license."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush. I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died. The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? \"Hand eeeeeyeeeee......\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a lady at the bank checking her balance so I pushed her over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Drake say after passing gas? Farted from my bottom now it's clearBonus - Sharted from my bottom there's a smear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors \"No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!\" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in The lemon-limelight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is arguing and breaking up And he says:- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, \"That's very noble of you\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the doctor’s Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.Me: How small are we talking?Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It took a while for Americans to get COVID-19. But in China, they got it right off the bat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum... But now, they have security cameras everywhere [not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today. I dropped my pants and bent over. They should have said it was a thermal scan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman.. Snow balls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied? After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound? To make the Eschar go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two mosquitoes go on a date. The gentleman opens the door to the restaurant for the lady, and goes, “M’laria.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A... They were raising canes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was digging in the front garden when my neighbor saw me struggling with the shovel and came over to help with a rotortiller. A couple minutes later the other neighbor brought his garden tractor, and the guy down the street show up with a backhoe... Well that excavated quickly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument... ...you become a comedian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eric the Red's brother, Rudolf, was home gazing out his window. He says to his wife: Looks bad out there. Looks like rain.\"Rudolf's wife responds: \"Are you sure dear?\"Rudolf answers back: \"Trust me. Rudolf the Red knows rain dear.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator. Players just don't want lute boxes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side. It scared my wife pretty bad. I assured her he’s all right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost for santa to park his sleigh? Nothing- It's on the house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know you've mistaken a bull for a cow? The taste of the milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal It was a miner success"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Come on Nancy Pelosi.. you can't just rip one on live television like that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend from Alabama got trapped in a loaf I always knew he was in bread"}
{"character": "random", "line": "farmer: how many cows got out? **me:** seventeen**farmer:** round 'em up**me:** ok twenty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bathroom Humour What do you call a person who uses a lavatory on an army base?A Loo Tenant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year’s resolution is to start collecting highlighters Mark my words!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher to student: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar, how many dollars would you have? Student: One dollar.Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.Student: You don't know my father.(Credit: The Three Stooges)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the explosion at the Nissan factory? It was raining Datsun cogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda... Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face. I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, President Trump names a new Disaster Assistance Ambassador to The Bahamas. \"He's the best. He'll do a great job, believe me.\" the President said. Ja Rule reportedly accepted the position via Twitter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Derby winner Medina Spirit turned down an invite to Mira Lago... ...saying if he wanted to see a horse's ass he would have come in second."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the man find his mouse or keyboard? He had bad peripheral vision"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad >!I was tossing all night!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to \"break a leg\"? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban at the zoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party. It was the Father, the Son, and the goalie host."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle got addicted to deli meat But I heard he quit cold turkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade ?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing? Asbestos he can.I'm so sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Hitler achieve 99 firemaking? He burned yews."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a place to buy bootleg horror movies? A Spookeasy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked \" are you alright, sir ?\" Sean : \"it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think I made a mistake... ...when I bought all of those GameStop chairs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28. I guess that’s the price of inflation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Horny Crab Two men are talking:\"I'm a kind of horny crab\" the first man gasps.\"what do you mean\" asks the other one.\"I can't get out of Michelle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker? If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's typically the warmest part of a room? A 90 degree corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife laughed at me when I told her I could make a car out of macaroni. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job-all I do is crush cans all day. It's soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my son I'm named after Thomas Jefferson. He says, But dad, your name is Brian. I respond, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we \"be positive,\" but it's just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "when i was growing up. our tv had a bunch of channels My favorite channel was \"Broil\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes 1.I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation I work as a McDonald’s cashier 2.“Mom there is a burglar in here” “No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”3.“So what do you do for a living?” “I travel and driv... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "PRO TIP: if you are exposed to mace and/or tear gas DO NOT MASTURBATE, EVEN AFTER YOU WASH YOUR HANDS SEVERAL TIMES. this is not a joke I’m suffering!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s something that often comes in a McDonald’s happy meal? Me. It’s me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people? You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five... But he just left him hanging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar.. The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the  bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, \"I'm not serving you!  You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're  about to start something.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people start their statement with “well for starters” and then never talk about the main course or the dessert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a $100 grill and a $100 girl have in common? They will both ruin your meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call four bull fighters in quick sand? Cuatro sink-o."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who decided to call them deli slices and not... ... Meat Thins?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my cat, \"how are you?\" He said he was, \"feline fine\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "whats a dogs favorite vegetable collie-flower"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Schrodinger: \"We won't know the cat is dead or alive until we open the box.\" The box :\"Meow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world? 8 bucks.  Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother told me not to yell in the library. It was sound advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between North Korea and the USA? In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson. In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All lives begin... ...with a crowning achievement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin? Because he’s a bad parallel Parker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down. I couldn’t connect to the server"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sexually confused chimp Bi-curious george"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied. I shit you knot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sheldon, Howard and Raj saved up 1 million dollars each Leonard only had a penny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If giraffes could read books I bet they wouldn't be able to stop at just one. . . . what with them being two-story animals and all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... ...but I don't like to point fingers..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drunken Uncle joke: Why don't blondes use vibrators? It has a tendency to chip their theeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only a genius can say these four words four times really fast # EYE, YAM, STEW, PEEDTell me if you get it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the chicken cross the road? Let's make a list Let's make a list of all the reasons why the chicken crossed the road!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%! It’s Dublin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students, Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. 5 minutes before the bell, Bob handed in a blank sheet of paper. \"Bob!\" yelled the teacher. \"You've done nothing. Why?\"\"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mate and I robbed a bank. The cops chasing us were under the illusion that we were dressed as animals. Every few seconds they kept shouting \"Furries!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell? Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat? Butt weight, there's more!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cross dressers with breast implants? Booby traps."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I'm too tired to properly shower, I just go in, do a quick spin, and leave It's called a 360 no soap"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chick asked me for a meal I told her i don't serve food."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them! 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.  They said it would be like winning the Lottery!  To my horror, they were right... we had 6 matching balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German tourist driving through France gets pulled over for speeding, and the French police officer starts questioning him. FPO: Name?GT: Hans Schmidt.FPO: Age?GT: 36FPO: Occupation?GT: No! No! I’m only here on vacation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet. And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the sexually active squirrel on cocaine? He was fucking nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst thing about going up the stairs behind someone? The ascent.  (Ass-scent)Thanks to my daughter for that one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the coffee bean go to the Halloween part? It was grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw this advert in a window that said: \"Television for sale, 1, volume stuck on full.\" I thought, \"I can't turn that down.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend messaged me to say she’s breaking up with me because I’m too childish. So I marched over to her house, rang her door bell and ran away That’ll teach her"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call fans of the moon? Lunatics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wifi password is Thorironmanhulkscarletwitchvisionhawkeyecaptainamericathanos. I know that's hard to remember, but it had to be at least eight characters long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two newspaper bosses are sent into a huge bank vault and find it stacked to the ceiling with piles of 24-karat bars. They can keep them for good, but only if they are able to diffuse a bomb first... Editor 1: Thanks for the gold.Editor 2: This blew up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide. They used to, but the decent ones were never returned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb? Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman stops three guys on a motorcycle He asks them: \"Are you crazy? What the hell are three of you doing on such a small motorcycle!?\"One of the three guys replies: \"Three? OH SHIT GUYS, BOBBY FELL OUT!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I go nuts for washers You know what I'm talking a bolt?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real... like how she got a job right out of college."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid They give us Nickelback"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster. But if anything, it just made him more sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We were so poor when I was growing up, that my mother made us clothes out of the offcuts my dad would bring from home from work at the sandpaper factory. It was rough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crop tops are very efficient. They don't let anything go to waist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango They're going to call it \"Tide Pods - Natural Selection\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents  50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A soldier came home from Afghanistan When he sees his son, he started to talk about his war stories. “I killed 40men in Afghanistan, son.” He said.The kid replied, “But you’re an army chef, dad!”“But I never said I’m good at my job, did I.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm going to the dentist to have a bad tooth removed today. Rip tooth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them? Gorilla Warfare."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a book that said it could help me harness the power of ADHD. I never finished it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my girlfriend she'd get Sax lessons for her birthday Offended she asked: \"Sex lessons? Isn't it good enough?\".\"Oh no honey, I meant the saxophone.So you can finally learn how to blow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dealing with dad-jokes all winter... I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they call the rapper \"50 Cent\" in Venezuela? $1,554,270.59"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I realize I've put on some weight, so I joined an aerobics class. When I got there I jumped and gyrated and bent and twisted. But by the time I got my gym shorts on the hour was over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel? A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!  I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing. I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ruptured my colon by farting It was a gas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm hiding in my Finnish Neighbours shed, waiting to jump out and surprise him. It's like a sauna in here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an onion that likes to rhyme? A Rapscallion!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent! Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best angle to approach any problem? The TRYangle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fire alarms should just play Nickelback Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the rain drops. I told her she's deluginal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom? Because he wanted a meatier shower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pushed that soup ladle as hard as I could... ...caused quite a stir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down? cause it's a fell-on-knee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.You'll never guess who came crawling back[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Creator looked upon Adam and spoke. \"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm going give you a brain and a penis.\" \"And the bad news?\" Adam asked. I'm going to give you enough blood,\" Goddeclared, \"to use only one of them at a time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? [oc] A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are two blondes fighting over, on a motorcycle? Over which one gets the window seat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Forget cougars, I'm a Puma hunter On the hunt Looking forPussy Under My Age"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a lot of jokes about satellites, but they never seem to land."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is \"R\" only a pirate's second favorite letter? Because their first love is the C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work... She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? It's because they can't see sh!t at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What fish is made out of two sodium atoms? 2 Na"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pros and cons of being overly literal PROS:People who profit as a result of their occupation.CONS:People found guilty of a criminal offense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a samurai’s favorite type of cheese? Sharp cheddar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time does Sean Connery play tennis? Ten-ish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would drive Tiger in the woods? A need for speed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Norway’s Navy have barcodes on all the ships? So when they come back into port they can Scandinavian..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Club manager: Your last joke was so bad it put the audience to sleep. What do you plan to do about it? Comedian: Copyright it and sell it as a cure for insomnia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you tried John Wayne toilet paper? Well don’t.It’s rough, tough,and don’t take shit off of anybody!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... \"See?  See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?\" The sheep says \"Myyyyyyyy god.  You weren't lying...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Star Wars Jedi absolutely hate having to open PDF files ? Because attachments are forbidden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If we are made of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen. And the universe is made up of primarily oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen.Is this why I'm so spaced out?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A termite walks into a bar and says... 'Where is the bar tended?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did a customer leave the blockbuster store disappointed? They were never going to give him Up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man that looks like a receipt? Bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, \"Name?\"\"Hans Muller\" replies the German.\"Occupation?\"\"No, just visiting this time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If your election lasts more than 48 hours, consult a physician."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry? Because calcium helps build trombones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to sell security alarms door to door, and i was really good at it. If no one was home, i would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open? Because it has short skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says ...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing? Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching Star Wars with my daughter and when she asked me why Luke climbed inside the Tauntaun, I replied that it was to keep warm. With a puzzled frown, she questioned how warm was it inside... Knowingly, I told her, \"Lukewarm.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.So far there has been mixed reviews.People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had plans to go to the beach today, but the skies are cloudy and it is raining It's really irrigating..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a telephone wire starting to fall on someones car the other day on my way home from work but I don't think they noticed They would be in for a shock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cows are amazing Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.It's a case of in one ear and out the udder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mechanic finished up repairing a car and his apprentice is writing up the invoice... Apprentice says: \"Boss, the total of the invoice comes up to $876\".   The boss responds: \"Round it up to an even thousand.\"   Few seconds later, the boss pipes up again: \"Actually, put it at $1126, so it doesn't look rounded.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the Mathematician frowned upon? He was a chronic math-debater"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell of a cliff? Because she was wearing her mittens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the detective excited when he found a thimble sized crown? He was looking for Finger Prince.(Say it out loud if you don't get it.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into the doctor's office... He's got a strawberry shoved up each nostril, carrots sticking out of his ears, and a hotdog shoved halfway up his ass.  Hey says, \"Doctor, I don't know what it is, but I feel terrible!\"\"For starters, you're not eating right.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a toy manufacturer, I've always believed that only kids know what kids want Which is why I only open factories in China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch? I didn't mean to turn you on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. (Norm McDonald)Dumb, but I laughed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a guy who was in a motorcycle accident and lost the whole left side of his body He’s alright now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online. Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really bonded with the guy at the glue factory. We have been inseparable ever since we met."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me...” So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. ~Rodney Dangerfield"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio. Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down.So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't Monsters eat Ghosts? They taste like sheet!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love? A swallow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a really old OBGYN? A Gynosaur"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle picked me up from school during recess today! My mom never told me about him, but it's nice to finally meet him!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five boys lined up for a race The starter said “1,2,3 GO!!”Three of the boys raced away but two boys stayed putThe starter asked “Why didn’t you guys run?”One of the boys replied “You said 1,2,3 go, didn’t say nothing about me and number 5”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend came back from vacation with long hair... ... and I wanted to make a joke about it, but I couldn't *comb* up with one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the horny toothbrush say to it's partner... I want some Oral, B"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love going to the beach, having a seat, and pull sand up to my crotch Makes the crabs feel more at home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off-too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just nicknamed my new phone \"Titanic\" so whenever it's charging I can say \"the Titanic is synching.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We just bought our new dream house, and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, 'What's upstairs!?' I chuckled and replied, 'Awwwww, sweetie...stairs don't talk!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Orion's belt the worst constellation? It's a waist of space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife? The invitation said to look sharp."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said he could tell a better glove pun than me. But I'm not gauntlet that happen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a baby alien to sleep?  You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians They always leave their patients in stitches!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing? Rigor tortoise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was hit by a moose driving my motorcycle yesterday. How he managed to drive it is a mystery to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's an absolute treasure.... By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Drake doing on his birthday? An 18 year old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP to my good friend Brian... ...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "I broke the drums at the bar where I work, so my boss had to order a new set He told me there would be repercussions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane? MAST DESTRUCTION!!!I'll ~~see~~ sea myself out..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory? The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My lawyer is a U2 fan So he was glad to represent them in a court case pro Bono"}
{"character": "random", "line": "bank account: $1,400 has been deposited into your bank account **me, at Baskin Robbins:** give me Carol Baskin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "R. Kelly has been denied bail The judge believed he was a flight risk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body. I gave her a shoulder to crayon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Too many Targets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends? In an explosion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces And are now fed-up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex after a blow up is meant to be the best... ... but I'm always out of breath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The U.S. is currently at 34 people / km2 while India is at 424 people / km2... ...but actually, the U.S.'s population is a lot denser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves? Completely Ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: \"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son.\" The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: \"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is. One student raises his hand and says. “That’s a dick ma’am”The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.A few minutes later, the principal walks in.“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grilled some hotdogs and offered my friend one He said, \"No thanks, I'm Jewish.\"I said, \"Don't worry, they're free.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really hate Norton’s security software... ...but please don’t call me anti-Symantec"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom? He sheet himself!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year? He has Santabodies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Now that Lucasfilm is owned by Disney . . . Will ILM be removing the Notre Dame Cathedral from the Hunchback cartoon?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the creator of Arm & Hammer? He used to be armed and hammered, but he really cleaned up his act."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the skinny butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The American education system obviously listens to Pink Floyd… …they've left those kids a loan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio: -WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!The german replies:-Wat are you sinking about?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call vegan seafood? Artifishial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?” So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, \"Windy ain't it?\"Bob says, \"Nah, it's Thursday.\"Vick says, \"Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of winrar is arrested His trial is expected to last forever"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left... ...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup. I leaned over and said, \"You're single arent you..\"She says, \"Yes, but how did you know?\"I said, \"Because you're ugly as fuck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a guy at the beach yelling, “Help! Shark, help!” I just laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought. It’s an extremely rare dish order."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad bought a new farm, so he asked me to move the chicken coop over to the new land It was a very heavy bird den"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd hate to be a knight They take L's left and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”“Vladimir Putin”“Country of Origin?”“Russia”“Occupation?”“No, no. Just visiting.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are dragons so good at rapping? Because they're always spitting fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Turns out I have colon cancer. I'm getting part of it removed tomorrow. All I'll have left is a ;"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn't the \"roof\" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state gives you the smallest beverages? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would bears be without the letter B? Ears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, \"All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds.\" \"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?\" asked the second friend. \"I'd like to lose another fifteen pounds first.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn't work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just discovered that I can talk to cats They probably don't understand me but still"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drum set and a snake falls off a cliff. The drummer and pet shop owner are very sad now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is that a bird, is that a plain It’s a joke going over people’s heads"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody once gave me advice on dating to “just be yourself” and “be the true you”... ...he was an actor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a serious man with a scythe that sneaks around outside people’s windows? The grim peeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants use photosynthesis? So they can have a light snack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a taxi the other day and the driver turned to me and said, \"I love my job, I'm my own boss, no one tells me what to do!\" Then I told him to turn left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the marble mine today I kept taking it for granite"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: ‟Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking”Mick : ‟Ill come back when you are sober Doctor”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor says to a lawyer \"There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork\" The lawyer responds \"And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock -Who's there?Eye makeup-Eye makeup who?Did you flush?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the man with hummus spilled on his shirt called kinky? Because he had some chick-pea all over him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A poem In days of oldWhen Knights were boldAnd toilet lights were dimYou'd hear a splash and then a shout'Oh no! He's fallen in'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was attacked while vacationing in Russia All I remember was seeing Tsars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake? Because he was already stuffed...Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball? They say he had perfect pitch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the T-Rex Cafe always hiring? No matter what, they always seemed a bit \"short handed\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that 70% of Earth's population are stupid Good thing I'm one of the other 40% !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad joke Is something that only groan men are allowed to tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, \"I suppose you want a White Rabbit.\" The Easter Bunny says, \"I don't care, just give me something hoppy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What can jelly beans do that you can't? Come in different colors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?” He answered, “No, just visiting”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call owl poop? Owly shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother has the hands of a surgeon... And a pending trial for grievous bodily harm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying. It means 75% of them are running around untreated!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Cellos are brown Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Met a Fellow Who Wore Green, and Had Stolen a Pot of Gold. Turns out he was a Leprechaun-vict."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left... ...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body? You wake up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW] St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds.... That would be adding in salt to injury."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A perfectionist walked into a bar Apparently, it wasn't set high enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a man on a date with his really hot wife and I jokingly asked him how he wound up with a woman so beautiful. He said, I put my hands on her I am a misogynist. I was shocked and bewildered and looked to the wife for an explanation but she turned to her husband and said, honey you have to say \"massage therapist\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's very important to not leave out the word \"each.\" For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks It cost me an arm and a leg!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer. Neurologist said it was all in my head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just made up a joke and it’s brilliant! What does Donald trump and a Mac book pro have in common? They aren’t PC"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was She said ''Fuck you''so i'm pretty excited for 2022"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tie say to the hat? I'll hang here, and you go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a little kid, I thought \"This little piggy went to market.\" meant it went shopping. It does not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do girls always have the last word in an argument Cause their the ones with a period"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my 4 year old niece. Why did the snowman go to the doctor?Because he lost his balls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn’t grow back. I’m not sure what the science is behind this, but I’m sure it was just a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A little boy with Downs runs to his dad to show him a drawing he made... \"Excellent son, good job!\" The dad says. \"I'd rate this 47/46.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My husband told me to embrace my mistakes So I gave him a big hug!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just grabbed myself an early black friday deal - sleeping bag for only £30 No idea how to wake it up though..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math teacher call her student average? She was being mean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Call me Delta Airlines cause I can't handle your extra baggage!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? \"GRRRAAAIINS!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36-really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of hours after Trump approved \"offensive\" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????\nGeneral : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..\nTrump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do girls tend to make a big deal out of things when they are on their period? Because they are ovary acting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you park your car 6.28 feet over the lines? It gets tau'd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng \"How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?\" They answer: \"yes\", \"oui\", \"ken\", \"si\", \"ja\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: -\tJane ate her friend’s sandwich.-\t-\t-\tJane ate her friend’s colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Iran have an Walmarts? Because they have a Target at every corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms. I thought they weren't open till Monday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder... Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard they just opened a BBQ restaurant near the top of Mt. Everest Careful though, the steaks are high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and asks for helicopter flavour crisps. The barman says \"sorry, we only do plain\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend works at a rubber dog-poop factory. He'll never get rich, but he makes doo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the CVS receipt joke? Sit down and get comfy. It’s really long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife They were his Catlery"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to me and says.. ..\"Why are you making a fire around the pot of water you are in?\"I say \"Sorry, just trying to build my self a-steam.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my therapist said time heals all wounds so I stabed him and now we wait"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a pervert and Ash Ketchum have in common? The both want a Pikachu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many \"friend zoned\" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer? Because they can wash their crack and sell it again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her. Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a greedy farmer who gets really bad headaches They're my grains"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Before our night out, my wife said that she didn't want me to get dressed up. No point arguing with her.So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you had the choice between World Peace or all of Bill Gates money.... .....what colour Ferrari would you buy?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Overheard during lunch How is that your name is Melody but all that's coming out from you is noise?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a red onion and a brown onion? About 50 cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Drake such a good chemist? He can turn an O2 into an O3"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What size drum sticks does William Shakespeare use? 2B, or not 2B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors Are you with me shofar?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Violets are blue Sunflowers are yellowI bet you were expecting something romantic but no, this us just gardening facts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "School report. My teacher gave us an assignment to tell her our idols and then say what we would do if they walked in our house. I got off easy because I said Stephen Hawking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor the operation was a success Patient really?Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the White crayon say to the Black crayon? We make a GRAY team!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the city, you ignore sirens and listen for gunshots. In the country, you ignore gunshots and listen for sirens. In Detroit, you ignore both."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what was said about the shovel when it was invented? Now that's groundbreaking idea!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's d*ck. I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How the Portuguese language was invented?? A drunk Russian tried to speak Spanish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Years resolution is to build a Velcro wall and I am sticking to it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dentist opened an office on a boat. What was the boat's name? The *Tooth Ferry*."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, \"son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!\" \"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Jamaican buddy is dating a Spanish chick. He doesn't like her granddad, Juan... But he does like Hernando."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. Luckily my older brother told me about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I almost fell for the Nigerian Prince Scam Jokes on them I already know Nigeria doesn't exist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We know why 6 is afraid of 7 but do you know *why* 7 ate 9? Because you need 3 square meals a day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war? You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the coffee bean go to the Halloween part? It was grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK, Rolling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, Mark, my words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts go to the pub? For boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My internet connection is a lot like my grandad It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an artist's folder and a diseased fortress? One's a portfolio, the other is Fort Polio."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: PIRATES STOPPED STEALING OIL TANKERS They switched to stealing tankers filled with printer ink..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter: Most Honorable Sir,You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.No fee,Chen Lee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why? They had UV protection in front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marine biology I was going to study marine biology dude. Turns out it was just a lot of maths. Really dude? What course?Algae brah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke from my 8 year old grandson What do you call a Jamaican finger in your belly?Poke, mon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the drum player commit suicide after being charged with homicide? He couldn't handle the repercussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If anyone should wish to bequeath their gold to me.. I will be their bullion heir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the Kardashians swim at the beach? Because plastic is bad for the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: \"i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer.\" Patient: [tearing up] \"oh god, no!\"Doctor: \"Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!\"Patient: [angry] \"What the hell?\"Doctor: \"Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days. But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of Arby's was a pirate. He was walking one day thinking of a name for his new restaurant, until he got stung by a bee and shouted \"Argh-bees!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a woman and a baked potato? With a baked potato, you poke it BEFORE you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to love hearing people make Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What .io games do they play in Nigeria? Pol.io"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper... The bartender says “hey buddy, you have a steering wheel on your zipper!”Pirate says “arrr, it’s driving me nuts!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped. And I think it's going to be a long, long time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire... Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a caring mother makes her son loafs of bread shaped like batman, to make his sandwiches fun every time. guess what happens when it's in the oven? the dark knight rises."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300. I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally sent my essay to a 3D printer It came out as a pile of shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon... One leans to the other and says \"Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?\"The other blond says \"Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are gray. Violets are gray. I'm a dog.Happy Valentine's Day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do baby cows eat dinner? **In a calfeteria.**  (Told to me by my 5 year old granddaughter)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend recently worked at a sugar refinery factory... until his position was dissolved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not all peasants visit the beach Yet every peasant serfs regularly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland. Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine you're stuck in the ocean, surrounded by sharks. What do you do to save your life? Stop imagining."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a place where everyone's a writer? a writer's block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a monk helping make breakfast for the monastery, and remembered you dont have to use a spatula to flip pancakes. Next thing he knew it was out of the frying pan and onto the friar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not all peasants visit the beach Yet every peasant serfs regularly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the ugly waitress work for tips? Because nobody wants to stick the whole thing in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage. Given the number of assholes in the country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer say about his favorite drum set? Now THAT’S a drum set I can get behind!... buh dum cschhhhhhhh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once dated a clairvoyant. But it ended when she said she was seeing my great Grandfather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you confuse a moron? Put him in a room full of shovels and tell him to take his pick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did dinosaurs prefer to use to pay for their purchases? Obviously tyrannosaurus cheques."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old. And when they say \"did she smoke her whole life\" I say \"no, but she was real good at minding her own business\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a low budget circumcision? A rip-off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the melons plan a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher said \"What is used to measure power?\" In class once. I told her she was right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a truckload of tires on the interstate and they all fell out It was highway rubbery!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don't get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't fish cry? Because they don't have eyebrows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young man is writing his grandmother a letter His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.She can’t read very fast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are birds always sad in the morning? Their bills are over dew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m like a cat when it comes to kids I don’t really enjoy the product But I love playing with the box it came out of."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold. I just heard the President likes gold in showers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda. Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really wish people would stop talking about my problematic past. It’s time to talk about my problematic future."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Snow White was in bed, feeling Happy Happy got out, so she started feeling Grumpy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The COVID-19 lock down has gone on for FAR too long... It has lasted for one Tool song."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about perfume... ...but it doesn't make any scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think the history channel is bad at midnight. You should see the staff room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read an article on internet.... and it said that 3 of the most common hereditary diseases in the world are- diabetes, hemophilia and infertility."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"What do you think lies there, on the other side?\", I asked my father as he took his last breathes... He replied, \"I don't know son, but I'm dying to find out.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is DJ Khaled's favorite number? Eleven. Because it's a 1. And another 1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory. Said the snooker teacher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue. (punchline)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen and iron are on a date Oxygen and iron are on a date at a karaoke bar and everyone is telling them to go sing. So they say \"we're a little rusty but we'll give it a shot\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up No one is moving on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier. \"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle died in a flood of kittens last week but I'm not sad. It's how he said he always wanted to go.  Drowning in pussy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a little kid, I thought \"This little piggy went to market.\" meant it went shopping. It does not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of Tyler The Creator's dad? The Tyler Creator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before A rare moment of shelf discovery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered. It was a casual T."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him. This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bullfrog If Kermit's astrological sign is Taurus, does that make him a Bullfrog?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire? Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist? Hall'n Oates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle did a magic trick today. He turned a six pack of beer into domestic home violence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "10+10 and 11+11 equal the same number. 10 + 10 equals twenty.11 + 11 equals twenty, too!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A... They were raising canes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? Goldfish like to muck around the fountain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dataminer? Thats illegal They are too young to date"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa. Then my mom hid the urn from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.. She hugged me. =/"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?\"Cum at me bro\".\\-Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?He was a peeking duck\\-What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?\"It's bananas\"\\... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five... But he just left him hanging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Catholic cows do on Fridays? Chew their cod."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What metal does a Japanese robot consist mostly of? *Manga*nese"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Walter White take off his pants? He was worried they'd get methy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many writers for \"The Simpsons\" does is take to change a lightbulb? None. They won't admit that it burnt out 15 years ago!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON” The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes back and forth, makes white stuff, and feels different if you use your other hand? A toothbrush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sad news today, folks. Mr. Potato Head died. He had brain tubers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Evangelists don’t need health care. They’re on the single prayer system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires? A bad electrician"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl... 14."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math teacher call her student average? She was being mean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone has glued my pack of cards together-I don't know how to deal with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been sucking up to my boss at work to get a raise, so I told her she looked nice and I liked her perfume. She just started screaming and yelling \"how'd you get in my house!?!\". Now I'm in a cop car.  Think I'll still get it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the policeman say to his bellybutton? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768 I’m not buying any new tv’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down.So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument But I don’t believe that tuba true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The vegetarian did not like the new strawberry jelly... It just wasn’t his jam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is 3 followers a lot? On Instagram? No. In a dark forest? Yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did everyone want the truck on their tug-of-war team? Because it had a ton of pulling force"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rainforest cafe is getting to realistic I was just sitting there enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unused Christmas present. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. She asked me: Why,?I replied. \"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are like a crayons The white ones are useless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having a heart attack, so I asked Siri to call me an ambulance. From that day on Siri refers to me as \"an ambulance\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization? You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting \"repost!\" back to civilization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a very dark sense of humor Its so dark that cops are beating it to death."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you turn a penny into a dollar? Cut it into four quarters. I haven't seen this one before and i just thought of it on my own but if it's already been done I'm sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A vulture arrives at the airport check-in. He's carrying a dead rabbit under one wing. \"Return ticket to Death Valley please.\"  \"Pleasure trip?\"  \"Yup, sort of a u-pick kind of thing.\"  \"LOL, very good!  Ok, here you go.  Are you checking the rabbit?\"    \"No, this is carrion.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ate some Fiber One brownies That shit was amazing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the poet who liked to dip his work in moisturiser? It was poetry in lotion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle. “Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe. Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cube walks into a bar... A cube walks into a bar and comes out as a sphere. A passerby saw and asked them what happened. The sphere replied “oh I just had a drink to take the edge off”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members? They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.They're called ABBA Trois"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’ve been trying to organize a Fear of Commitment workshop. But we just can’t seem to nail down a date."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the french flag without any color? Still the french flag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it was an oyster But it's snot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of phone does an animal crossing character have A nookia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:  \"I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home. Now he’s in a pickle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know about the World Health Organization? Me : WHO?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Arab Sheikh sends his son to France for his studies. A year later the son comes back but the Sheikh realises that something is bothering his son. After some questioning, the son tells his father that he goes to college in his Porsche but the other students come by train. It's not right. The Sheikh feels terrible, hugs his son and says, 'Don't worry son... I'll buy you a train today!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother died on her 100th birthday The worst bit is we were only half way through giving her the birthday bumps"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the other word for meatball? Protein sphere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the high wire artist denied insurance? Outstanding balance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting would pair well with magical trees but it's actually enticing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a nun in church, and a nun in the shower? One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once woke up in the middle of an operation. “Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards. I’m having a hard time dealing with this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If we don't proofread and correct mistakes The errorists win."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile on drugs? You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night She leans in to my mom and says“When is Mother’s Day?” My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says “Nine months after fathers night”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a horny toad? I don’t know, but you would sure get a lot of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word \"scumbag\" written as a caption. I guess I'm not in her good books."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a million dollars as a bicycle shop owner? Start with two million."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Medusa's favorite cheese? *Gorgonzola*!....OK, I'll show myself out....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sales are down, so my boss asked why the greeting cards aren't moving. I told him it's because they are stationary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, \"All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds.\" \"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?\" asked the second friend. \"I'd like to lose another fifteen pounds first.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which type of monster is the best dancer? The Boogeyman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. Now I'm the C-I-E-I-O."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet. And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... \"I'm scared\" said the little girl.\"You're scared?!\" Said the man. \"At least you don't have to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of 500 atoms? A Refund.*This post is brought to you by \"Todd Howard did Nothing Wrong\" gang*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cow say to the butcher? Stop it, Or we'll have beef"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra? A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can make you see your brain! That's just how eye-roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I let my daughter touch a fork for the first time. Where she put it was shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A:  No, but that's cool man, you hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Two  hundred and twenty.  One to hold the bulbTwo to turn the ladderSeventeen on the guest list.200 to say their mate is on the guest list and they are their plus one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] I met a girl called Michelle at a bar... Her: Hi, I am Michelle Me: I am Donaldson, but people sometimes call me Dick.Her: How do you get Dick from Donaldson?Me: You ask nicely."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Johnny was sitting on the porch with his sister He said, \"Look, there's a quarter in the street!\"His sister jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Little Johnny just laughed and laughed, because he knew it was only a nickel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Trump had been editor of the Sun, \"Virginia\" would have received a much different answer... No."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw this guy walking down the road with a 15ft piece of fibre glass. I asked him \"Are you a Pole Vaulter?\" He answered \"Nein, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walther?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Internet arguments are like connect four but you only have three pieces"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman. It's second to nun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them? I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ruth rode on my motorcycle, on the seat behind me... I took a bump at 95, and rode on ruthlessly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her... Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature."}
{"character": "random", "line": "OC: What does Babe Ruth and roughly 100,000 antelopes have in common? They're both ballpark figures."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Dunkin Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box.... ...I've been banned for life from that shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dr: \"I have some good news and some bad news Spiderman. The good news is that the constant tingling sensation isn't your Spidey sense warning you of some huge, impending calamity!\" \"What's the bad news Doc?\"\"Well son, what do you know about genital herpes?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, \"I think we should break up\" The other tree: \"why wood you do this\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans? Plot Holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Magician without magic? Ian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive I am just lucky my brother told me about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad goes to a reasturant Waiter: have you decided what you will be having tonight?Dad: hi,yes ill be having the rabbit stewWaiter: alrightDad: hey waiter,theres a hare in my stew!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words, she said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I... ...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Baby eagle in his nest sees a fighter jet passing overhead. Amazed at the speed, he turns to mamma and asks, \"Why can't we fly so fast?\" Mamma: \"You would too my son, if your ass was on fire.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy has stopped trying to date cougars and is chasing something older! Are those called sabre-toothed tigers?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks? You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard? Bifrosties*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited,  I'm counting on you guys"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek? A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Steam users and Reddit admins have in common? They don't want to pay for mods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal. >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!<  >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Let!< >!You!< >... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A racist and a sexual predator walk into a Virginia bar The whole bar screams “Welcome Governors”!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Halloween im gonna be a credit card. Because I'm always getting denied"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a llama and a sweet potato? You get a Yyama!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income. He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got arrested by cops for celebrating earth day and switching off all plugs Shouldn't have done it in a hospital i guess"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court? Sediment always settles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country Because if he is, something‘s gone wrong with the Canadian legal system"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do angels smell so good? Because their scent from God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally figured out where that \"programmers live in basements\" myth comes from! It's because they prefer to work in a non-Windows environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grant Imahara walks up to the pearly gates... As he looks around, confused, a booming voice speaks to him across the clouds...“...Myth confirmed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do farmers do in Alabama? Pump kin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is a better cyclist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm going to cash in on the success of Avengers: Infinity War by opening a comics themed sandwich shop. It'll be called *Soup or Hero*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the restaurant on the moon get bad reviews? It has no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog \"5 miles.\" So that I could frequently say, \"I am going to walk 5 miles now.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call re-arranging the layout of your network? LANscaping."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia? A clitortise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are you the Center Of Disease Control? Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, \"I want a grilled …. cheese.\" The waiter says, \"What's with the pause?\" \"Whaddya mean?\" the bear replies. \"I'm a *bear*!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball.. It was a lovely service.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? Because it was over 90°."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man from Alabama opened his fridge... He looked around inside, closed the fridge and yelled to his wife:\"Honey! We're out of bread!\"The wife came into the room with a new loaf.\"Don't worry,\" she said. \"We're in bread.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter. I call it inter-mitten fasting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My house was raided and the cops carted off books on algebra, trigonometry and calculus, plus dice and other probability-demo stuff. They said it was weapons of math instruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats? A pimp"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends, This guy is not your man.  This guy is Mark Zuckerberg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say its a Case of the Mondays Tuesday is when you realize it's a preexisting condition"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to date an English teacher. She dumped me however...She didn’t like my improper use of the colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float. Needless to say, it was soup rising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today's popular drama on the internet is like a hamburger with salad and tomatoes. They both haven't got any meat to them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties? Because they are formyl group."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most peaceful musical instrument? I don't know, but violins isn't the answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company. It was the wurst decision of his life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space? One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle I donut care for them anymore though"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call adult-only Chess videos? Pawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In what California city did the Flintstones’ family pet forget to apply his sunblock? Sunburnadino"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a bottle of vodka? Turn it Smirnoff and on again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Saturday stronger than Monday? Monday is a weak day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dungeons and Dragons is a lot like Bitcoin I know it's popular but I don't understand it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one shovel say to the other during a recurring fight? Can we just bury this?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats afraid of cucumbers? They dont like anything cooler than they are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a human with a lot of patience? A doctor!-original joke invented by me (I hope at least someone gets it)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months. \"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!\"You mean 9 months.\"Ken is 24 months!\" Deborah, he's 2.\"My baby is -26 weeks old!\"No, Karen, you miscarried."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What starts with M, ends in DMA, and was an exciting surprise at the party? My Grandma"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought pull ups are hard But pull ups are easy once you get the *hang* of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you remember what it was like, blowing bubbles when you were just a little kid? Well, I saw Bubbles the other day and he asked me for your phone number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an illegal game show? Steal or No Steal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' \". \"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' \"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wife asked me to go out and get something for the pancakes. She wasn't impressed when I came back with a bra."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns. Wheel sea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop me if you heard this... Cows, sheep, goats, and/or reindeer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the American temperature doctor? His degree was in Fahrenheit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? Just ring up and say you can't cum!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? He got mugged!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.” Ok Broomer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing? A Def Leppard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't worry if your parachute won't open. You'll have the rest of your life to fix it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the only shape to ever be knighted? Circles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That's one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It's a freebie.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle? A: Attire!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, \"Can I have a bookmark?\" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the man ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie (Maybe leave this one until the kids aren't around!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision. Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a rabbit go for a trim? To the hare dresser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? \"NASA: The Sky's The Limit\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The man who invented the television remote control passed away today They found him at home between the couch cushions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours. Guess women are the ones full of shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday He buried someone in the wrong hole.It was a grave mistake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve always wanted a motorcycle My wife was dead against it but she finally saw things my way. She said she’d change her name to Harley and I could ride her anytime I liked. Not a bad compromise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Language barriers go brrr I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, \"Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!\" I said, \"Wow!\" Then her friend said, \"She means 666-3629.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the stomach's favorite thing to read? Reader's digest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an aggressive computer dinosaur do? An aggressive computer dinosaur goes **.rar** to assert its dominance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you express your opinion in China? \\[redacted\\]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People with mosquito-borne encephalitis be like Yeah, this is big brain time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 Shades of Little Johnny Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of BDSM magazines.A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.Johnny's Dad responds \"whatever else you do, don't spank him\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to Mario when he doesn't get a joke on the Internet? It's a meme Mario."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My husband told me to embrace my mistakes So I gave him a big hug!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file? \"Do you want to save those changes?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do deaf people tell each other secrets ? They wear mittens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman is speaking in court... Lawyer: “So the defendant shot and killed her husband for stepping on the freshly mopped floor?”    Officer: “Yes, that is correct.”    Lawyer: “And it took you an hour to arrest her in the home? Why?”    Officer: “The floor was still wet.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers? With relish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared... The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.The lady frowned and asked \"How did you know?\" The man chuckled lightly and said \"you used blueberry\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died. The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a prisoner's favourite piece of punctuation? Periods, exclamation marks, or question marks - whichever one ends the sentence quicker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a 3D printer But it only prints pieces of paper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is it safe to eat salad yet? It romaines to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Prime Minister's speech writer has resigned. He's speechless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody set an alarm... ... To wake up green day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being a free diving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath under water while not using scuba gear. It's a tankless job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Future, past and present were having an argument it was tense"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs He loves them ho ho ho’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect. The answer is spine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber \"What are you doing?\" he shouts, \"I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Charlize Theron has been cast in the next Ant-Man movie? It's going to be called \"Subatomic Blonde.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box Apparently it was a contactless delivery"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store? Picking his nose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees before it comes off in your hand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl asked me if I knew how to tie a noose. I told her that if she came over I could show her the ropes and then we could hang"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Taiwan willing to stand up to China? Because it has a Taipei personality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a computer play tennis? server unavailable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Alphabet Soup? More like Times New Ramen, amirite?(Not OC, but one of my favorite one-liners and haven’t seen it posted in this sub)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer's wife said \"300 times, isn't that wonderful dear?  Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how.\"  Farmer said \"Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So i was watching p*rn last night and accidently pressed cast to tv, it found a samsung tv and started steaming... I dont have a samsung tv in my house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mother is helping her son study for a geography test. She asks him: \"What is the capital of Germany?\"\"Berlin,\" says the boy.\"What is the capital of France?\"\"Berlin,\" says the boy.\"What is the capital of Russia?\"\"Berlin,\" says the boy.\"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They're a fungi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the termite say after walking into the bar? Is the bar tender here?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus... But graphing is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Obi-wan say to Luke when he saw him struggling with the chopsticks? Use the fork, Luke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system... and it has a 1-star rating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just come back from holiday in Cuba with stomach problems. Doctors think it might be Castro-entiritus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) A worm crawls out of a plate of spaghetti and says “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I forgot why I decided to jerk off into the fan... But it's all cumming back to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Soaking a twig in coke is nice, but soaking a twig in fanta... Fanta stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to the ghost of a window washer? With a Squeegee Board"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Please don't bother teaching a giraffe to perform fellatio. It's just not going to go down well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An ice cream parlor has been arrested for drug trafficking in my neighborhood This was yesterday and still cannot believe it. I have been his client most of my life and would never had imagined he sold ice cream"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal. >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!<  >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Let!< >!You!< >... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Epic Cow? Legend Dairy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is watching the food channel... Her husband says: why are you watching this? You can't even cook!She replies: you watch porn all day long and I dont even say anything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation. I'm running out of thyme!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop. The steaks were high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do John Edward and Stevie Wonder have in common? They've both made a lot of money from Superstition"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait, but a fisherman waits, then lies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I like to think back to when my dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill ...those were the Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do bees go to the bathroom?  The BP station."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a fisherman and a schoolboy? One baits his hooks, the other hates his books."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Ash Ketchum peering through your living room curtains? To catch a Peek-at-you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blind man trips on a bottle That's all.Didn't see that one coming, did ya?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a 14-year old girl? Nothing. They are both just waiting for the first period to be over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a drunken sailor? Hard to Port."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a knockoff Hasbro toy? My Little Phony"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground? He didn't pay a tension."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Chinese premier was spotted selling people a popular Linux terminal app on the beach. Xi sells C shells by the seashore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa? Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We are all like Stormy Daniels now. Just waiting for him to finish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ah,school stuff Teacher: Do you know the answer to question *B*?  Student: No.  Teacher: You need to spend more time studying.  Student: Well, do you know Sophie?  Teacher: No, why?  Student: **You need to spend more time with your husband.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters But those letters aren’t silent.They’re just waiting their turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really have no idea what carbon dating is... But, I'll try anything at this point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sunday and Monday in different times If the sun has risen on Sunday, then it's just Sunday. If the sun has set on Sunday, then it will be just day, not Sunday. But if it's 12 am on Sunday, Sunday will be now Moonday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs. Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a: Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese chick? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Robert Kraft's favorite football play? The rub and tug in the end zone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ISIS and little miss muffet have in common? They both have Kurds in their wayCredit to /u/MolecularAnthony"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September It's the dictionary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently. Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree. \"What the hell are you doing,\" cried the squirrel.\"I want to eat some cherries.\"\"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here.\"\"It's okay,\" said the elephant. \"I brought my own.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.” Ok Broomer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden? An artificial Swedener"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't digital images of Bob Marley scalable? Because they're all rasta graphics."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i kiss my niece on her cheek I lovingly gave my niece a kiss on her cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together.  Afterwards, I noticed her wiping her cheek.  “Are you wiping off my kiss?”, I asked her.  “No”, she smartly replied, “I’m just rubbing it in!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did I do when a terrorist attacked? Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn't too sure about that but I could do a wicked \"Bohemian Rhapsody.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Holding a step ladder) \"This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Pop Corn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't get a reservation at the library. Because they were completely booked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher : Why didn’t you come to school yesterday? Me : I’m sorry, my dad’s in the hospital (One week later)Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?Me : Yeah, he’s a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never get into arguments with ballerinas they always have a strong point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father in law said he felt so lucky that his daughter met such a great guy. But that relationship didn't work out so she settled for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: \"Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?\" His answers were just as brief:\"Hut, Hutt, Hike!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex Now she'll know what rejection feels like..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What color was the wet fart? Shart-treuse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets are red, grass is red OH SHIT THE GARDENS ON FIRE"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me : what do you study? She : I'm science Student. Me : Can i ask a question? She : ask. Me : what is Newton's 3rd law? She : Listen, im a science student not a law student."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a compulsion to hurt myself with lumpy potatoes. I think I'm a mashochist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother in law just got Reddit I want to take this opportunity to let her know how much I truly love and appreciate all she does for me and my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've stopped burning bridges in my life because they make them out of steel now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American comedian and a Chinese comedian are having a conversation American: \"I've been writing some new jokes lately, they're really funny.\"Chinese: \"Me too.\"American: \"The amount I've written is worth around 2 hours of stage time.\"Chinese: \"The amount I've written is worth around 30 years of labor camp time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it They should have added 19 more shades"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bookstore and asks for a book on Pavlov and Schrodinger. The book keeper says it rings a bell but he doesn't know if it is there or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do dogs play Among Us? One is the impawster, and the others are chewmates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're on your death bed and You're known as a practical joker in the family. What do you say as your last joke with your dying breath? The cornyer the better!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "English Professor: \"While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative.\" From back of class: \"Yea. Right!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire Spoiler alert"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company. It was the wurst decision of his life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A scientist called the customer support of his microscope company, complaining that the light bulb was broke. Customer support responded that they will look into it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the skinny butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Billie Eilish just turned 18... ...now she’s too old for Drake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably The good players just won't come forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’ ‘Yes, of course…’‘Great! I never could before!’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One crab to another crab I think I have lobsters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve? There's no dental records & all the DNA matches..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures? When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time is like a mountain It is very difficult to budget"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair...... Now neither of us are rolling"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Catholic, a woman of color, a doctor, a Jew, and a rescue dog walk into the White House... This is where the joke already left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors. But sometimes they come in handy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common? Sooner or later one of em will get your house...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman said he wanted to search my car. \"You won't find any drugs,\" I told him.He said, \"You don't sound sure about that.\"I said, \"Trust me, I looked earlier.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama Because crimes can’t be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did a big flower tell its smaller flower friend..? ................ \"Hey Bud..\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an interview yesterday, Texas Governor Rick Perry stood by his recent comments in which he compared homosexuality to alcoholism. Perry further explained the similarities between the two by saying, “They are both things I experimented with while in college and both resulted in my liver taking a pounding.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a crayon go on vacation? Color-ado. My seven year old just told me this one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde was attempting to swim across the English channel.  But she got tired halfway, and swam back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns? The first one had a stroke.The second one had a stroke. And the third one didn't touch him at all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... \"I'm scared\" said the little girl.\"You're scared?!\" Said the man. \"At least you don't have to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over... Sew boring!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife to set the alarm clock for six ... She asked “why six? There‘s only the two of us here.”(hat tip: Spike Milligan)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body? You wake up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: Your dad’s not with us anymore Me: Damn, what happened? Doctor: He’s at a different hospital Me: Oh, whew Doctor: Dead tho"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use \"beef stew\" as a password? It's not stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the fastest growing city in the world? Capital of Ireland. It's Dublin everyday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want me to tell you the joke about the butter? No, you might spread it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book? He said, \"I'm just not feeling it!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do baby cows eat dinner? **In a calfeteria.**  (Told to me by my 5 year old granddaughter)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much do you charge? (NSFW) A man goes to a lawyer's office and asks him, how much do you charge?The lawyer responds: I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?Yes. What’s your third question?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Attack on Titan is actually slice of life For short people"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish? Clickbait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hot air ballons use burners and not steam? Because Fireflies and Waterfalls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If cats could talk They wouldn't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but... The tips were massive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't santa have any children? Cos he only comes once a year and that's down the chimney"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces And are now fed-up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got fired on my first day with the ambulance today I don't know what happened but they asked me how i deliver a baby and i answered \"fedex\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a serial killer who only kills priests on a Sunday morning. He's a Mass murderer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is turtle wax so expensive? Because they only have little ears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Aussie girls an their period? Bloody legends"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a mosquito lands on your balls, is the moment when you realize violence is not the answer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drake, Onision, and R Kelly walk into a bar... Drake, Onision, and R Kelly walk into a bar.The bartender immediately gets them all a drink.Drake asks the bartender why he didn’t ask for their ID.The bartender says, “age is just a number around here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The self isolation is keeping families united My dad finally returned home with the milk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call walk-in closet in Spanish? Armario de Joaquín"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is 3 followers a lot? On Instagram? No. In a dark forest? Yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Amoung Us characters bottle up their emotions? Because they get kicked out of the group when they vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know why the pancake king lost his kingdom? Cuz he was usyruped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance. An ambulance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once made an error in little league, When I signed up to play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?” “ I don’t know, but Alaska.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated. She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, \"oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Trump terrorist who tried to blow up a car? He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters. Dunkirk?Yea, did all of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a group of emo kids to change a light bulb? You don't, you just let them sit and cry in the dark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen. Police suspect highly organised crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said “guess” So I said about 340, now she wants to fight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Man and a Cucumber? Cucumbers don't mind hiding in the fridge when your Mum gets home"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old captain Jack died peacefully in his sleep... Unlike his passengers, that died screaming in horror....(Okay, that was an old one, but I haven’t seen it here before, probably is though)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, \"Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel.\"The patient says, \"My name isn't Daniel.\"The doctor says, \"Mine is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief? They keep getting stuck in de Nile"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one. It was a freebie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put all of my crops and produce in wheelchairs... That way all of my vegetables feel special."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place. Since then I've never looked back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me when bitten by a mosquito Well that bloody sucks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my kitten won the “Best Butt” prize at the pet show, it wasn’t just bad ... it was a cat ass trophy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I do crown molding I can never get the corners to match up quite right I guess I have coping issues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two women met in a cafe for their weekly chitchat \"My husband brought me 20 roses yesterday for our anniversay. Bet now he expects that  I spread my legs for 2 weeks\"\"Why that? Don't you have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the quadrilateral comb out her daughters hair? Because it was a wrecked tangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke by my 6 year old niece 6: Why did the chicken cross the road?Me:I don't know why?6: He didnt, he got hit by a truck!Still gets me 13 years later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many eggs can you eat on an empty stomach? Just one, because then your stomach won't be empty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Toys-R-Us sells toys Then Babies-R-Us must sell babies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the physicist say about the child that jumped off a building? He had so much potential"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do oysters get around? In mussel cars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They said I could never flood New York City with nitrous oxide. Who's laughing now?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve always wanted a motorcycle My wife was dead against it but she finally saw things my way. She said she’d change her name to Harley and I could ride her anytime I liked. Not a bad compromise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elephant Stew ## Ingredients* 1 Elephant * Brown gravy, and lots of it* Salt and pepper to taste* 2 Rabbits (optional)## DirectionsCut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.This should take about 2 months.Add enough brown gravy to cover,cook over... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who are the werewolf's cousins? What-wolf and when-wolf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? \"I'm a big fan.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were they called the \"dark ages?\" Because there were a lot of knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man filled his a mine cart with fresh ore and pushed it out of the cave After a long day of work, he decided to play some sports with his friends. There was an accident, which caused the man to die.This shows that miner errors can have huge consequences."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"You know, I decided to go and live with a pig.\" \"Are you crazy??? And how will you do with the stench? \"\"Ehhhh .... he will get used to it! \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police. For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It” Too many Maine characters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex? Trump-bone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players? They do it for the Experience."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin He had an adept understanding of string theory"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film. It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment. They are already experts at recycling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage. It was elf and safety gone mad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf. Then suddenly the penne dropped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop. The steaks were high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "R. Kelly has been denied bail The judge believed he was a flight risk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good  They work on many levels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe.They both drink a beer and go to walk out the door but the giraffe collapses on the floor.The guy carries on leaving the bar and the bartender shouts.... 'hey, you can't leave that lyin' there! The guy replies....It's not a lion,it's a giraffe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My comrades were destroying the brick factory. I said \"Stop, we need the bricks!\"They replied, \"That's why we're demolishing it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boy asks, \"Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD\" Granny replies, \"Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new book I wrote about improving your basement just sold its millionth copy. Its officially a best cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters. Dunkirk?Yea, did all of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country has the most smart people? Bahrain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did thor have such a hard time accepting his brother was actually a frost giant? He was loki racist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies \"I couldn't find it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I look forward to hearing Michelle Obama's speech again. At the 2020 RNC."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “you want a longneck?”The giraffe says “you mean I have a choice?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day... The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, \"There's a hare in my stew.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Good news! I've just inherited an estate from my great grandfather! Bad news, it's a 1975 Volvo..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really hate my past self, rumor has it he used to fuck my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng \"How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?\" They answer: \"yes\", \"oui\", \"ken\", \"si\", \"ja\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week? The news has dubbed him \"Billy the Kid.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everything in Florida is in the 80s The Temperature, the Humidity, the Average Age, and the IQ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform. She said it's in case she has to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does one potato say to another when he’s horny? Wanna hash?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ant name its middle segment \"Stormbreaker\"? Because that was its Thor axe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How am I similar to the Earth ? We both rotate around our own ex(s)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got banned from laser tag today. Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put a valentines sticker on my bathroom door ‘2BeMine’. My best friend came over with his wife. She went inside the bathroom and I broke into song. Cuz she’s my best friends girl, but she used 2BeMine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Squirrels GO Camping They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says, \"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the motorcycles get in the carpool? Because they didn't have trunks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father taught me 2 important rules for life 1. Never judge people based on stereotypes2. Never trust a Frenchman"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of butchers? A meating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend's just told me that he's dating twins. I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart. \"Not at all.\" he said \"It's really easy actually. Helen's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey did you hear about those corduroy pillow cases? They're making *headlines* everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers... ...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kids that won't nap are guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a gross pig and a wizard have in common? Hogwarts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" \"Don't call me later, call me Dad.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monica: \"Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.\" Chandler: \"How do you find clothes that fit?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the drug dealers of the animal kingdom? Monkeys because they are slinging shit all day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes.... Will she be Rivers Phoenix?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Purple is my least favourite color I hate it more than red and blue combined."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles? Sandy Eggo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump is changing his name and moving to China! He now goes by Lame Duk Don"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex? Because Trump can only fuck up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. **That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two atoms are talking and one says \"I think I lost an electron.\" The other atom says \"Are you sure?\" The first atom replys \"Yes, I'm positive!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got super freaked out when I saw 2 dead bodies hanging in my closet I was relieved when I remembered I had just installed a mirror in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The stereotype of gta players using hookers to heal and shooting them to get money back is ridiculous You’re supposed to just call an ambulance and shot the driver, it’s much more efficient!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you play WAP with the bass turned all the way down... Is it then a treble cleft?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the west of Africa weaker than the east of Africa? Because the west is a Ghana (goner)(Created by my son)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand? Mario: ...Judge: It's a fine.Mario: [sadly] no itsa not"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet? Commodo dragon..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rainforest cafe is getting to realistic I was just sitting there enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nowadays there's too many musical instruments It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen I heard she was a massive DMX fan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are epileptic ghosts made of? Ectospasm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family. Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced \"That's shit, that is.\"\"I know.\" Replied Rolf. \"But if you'd let me have paints...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow? Mourning Wood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between drumming and sex? You can drum your fingersbut you cant finger your drums"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't decide whether to use a chair or step stool to reach the top shelf... I went with the ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a farmer find new cows to buy? He looks through the cattlelog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me about that manga writer who died recently I heard his whole fanbase is going Berserk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a religious crocodile? An Allah Gator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob talks with his wife after a long night of drinking. Bob: \"Honey, I think our house is haunted!\" Wife: \"Why do you say that?\" Bob: \"Last night when I opened the bathroom door, the lights suddenly went on, and cold air blew right at me!\" Wife: \"You idiot! You pissed in the fridge again!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. \"I'm a turtle\", he says.\"Oh... who's on your back?\"\"That's Michelle\", he replies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it called PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you brain wash a politician? Give him an enema."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One from 3rd Grade: What's the name of the funniest mountain range? The Himhilarious"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar. I said ‘Mimics.’ The party laughed. The barkeep laughed. The table laughed. We killed the table. Good times."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the fisherman play his guitar? Because he lost his tuna"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a brown-noser clean their mask? They shake the sh*t out of it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Giraffes eat? Macaroni and leaves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call adult-only Chess videos? Pawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new episode of my favorite Jamaican cooking show just came on... What-Jamaican"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your momma is like a KFC meal Once I am done with her breasts and thighs all I am left with is a greasy box to put my bone in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison... He's never going to finish his sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury. He said he would look into it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well... That’s a deep subject."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I found out that it takes a school of piranha 1 minute to devour a child. However, I have now lost my job in the aquarium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard They misheard the words *serene dijon*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I must congratulate my Niece. She has just passed he mouth Organ test.Well done our Monica....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom. IPA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb? One can’t, but Toucan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A haircut is the biggest waste of money. I pay the same to get them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do skeletons order at a restaurant? Spare ribs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't they let the fungi into the party? There wasn't mush room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a video game rematch? A Wii-match."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since I became a pilot, I can only eat one type of bagel. Plain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One man is walking a tightrope. Another is getting a blow job from a 90 year old lady. Both have the same thought at the same time. What is it?Don’t look down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I threw a boomerang 5 years ago Today, I live in constant fear.\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and faceplants into a stool. Now he's completely shitfaced."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why Do Accountants Make Good Lovers? They’re great with figures."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to live paycheck to paycheck But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a steamed fish and a stupid donkey? One's a dum bass, the other's a dumb ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dated an older furry once... She was a cougar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?” The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my girlfriend at a African language class We just clicked!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new discovery about women in prison: They don’t get their periods until the end of their sentences."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end? Doctors say his condition is stable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs. Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons. You could much more easily control inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge? John Wickipedia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... \"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!\"The guy at the counter said \"Your stance is too wide\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I don't want a brain transplant But he changed my mind"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many existancialists does it take to change a light bulb? Two.One to change the light bulb and one who observes how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in another world of cosmic nothingness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was. The end result was a tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... \"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess,\" the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket.\"Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?\" asks the frog. \"I'm a princess!\"The man shrugs. \"I'd rather have a talking frog.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife always talks like an empty tip jar Such non cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the numbers on the door to the restroom near IT? The IPee address"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never Date an Atom They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why I wear lycra to bed? To help with my sleep cycle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day... It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes. It is my birth certificate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons. Isn’t that Ionic?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice. And that’s Chris Brown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery? He ended up with a semi-colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust Greek instruments. They're mostly lyres."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who do you call to fix an atom? A quantum mechanic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard. My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, \"I think we should break up\" The other tree: \"why wood you do this\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone... I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman gets on an Elevator with a Man The Woman says \"TGIF\"So the man says \"SHIT\"The woman again says \"TGIF\"And again the man says \"SHIT\"So finally the woman explains TGIF means Thank God Its FridayAnd the man says SHIT means Sorry Honey Its Thursday"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother is afraid that robots will replace him. If he would look in his wife's bedside dresser he would realize he already has been"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What will Dave Grohl say when his children start going back to school after the pandemic? Walkin' to learn again...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Longest Drum Solo The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was looking for a Dating Simulator on Steam. It said \"Sorry, no matches found.\"The level of realism is incredible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A carpenter's workshop's light went out To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two elderly ladies were sitting around complaining about things. Mertle: \"I can't stand when people shorten names that don't make sense.  I mean, I get Bob from Robert and Dave from David, but how do you get Dick from Richard?\"  Edna:  \"If you ask him nicely.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "And Jesus says to his followers, ¨I will turn this water into wine.¨ And the guy says, ¨Sir, this is a rehab center.¨"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys. My personal favorite is the toaster"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said \"could you check my balance?\"-so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said \"could you check my balance?\"-so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were. They said chicken or vegetable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles... “Hardback?”, asked the clerk.“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it? Ambu-Lance Armstrong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said \"tell him a fruit joke...\" And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you put a bar at a golf range? (OC) A lot of drunk driving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you enlarge a centipede to 100x its normal size? A dollarpede."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fight between two loan sharks? A conflict of interest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Spiderman when he parks his car? Peter Parker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an image editor’s favourite country? Ireland.  It’s royalty free."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are sea shanties so popular right now? They’re about current events."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies? Twobearculosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer... I guess she'll have to flip a coin....Heads or Tales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Kermit The Frog lift off a manhole cover and dive in? He was kermitting sewercide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, \"I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!\" The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, \"I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable. It was an autobiography…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys. They probably have the same names"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer... Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist... After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?” Mall guy: Oh sure.Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner. She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two hurricanes... The bartender says that'll be $20.20"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, \"I wonder if the have any colored printers.\"I replied, \"Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My name is Brett but my Spanish speaking friends call me Pan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had a pillow fight. The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be. He answered:640 x 480."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Derby winner Medina Spirit turned down an invite to Mira Lago... ...saying if he wanted to see a horse's ass he would have come in second."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb? One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.I stole this from one of [elee0228](/u/elee0228) comments."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did a woman on death row pro long her execution? She couldn’t decide what to eat for her final meal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love the British summer It's my favourite day of the year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good romance start with foundation of trust and a good friendship A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Invisible calendars... ... that's something you don't see every day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Pirate Walked Into A Bar With A Ship's Wheel A pirate walked into a bar with a ship's wheel fastened to his belt buckle.  The bartender says, \"Sir, do you know you have a ship's wheel fastened to your belt buckle?\"  To which the pirate responds, \"Aye, it's driving me nuts!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Growing up in a colony, the nuns told me to never turn your back on a priest. I mean, there's a reason why they became missionaries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager. Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says \"But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!\" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, \"Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the male digital signal ask a female digital signal? Do you do ANALog?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event? Cantelope"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present. She said she hoped I kept the receipt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It dawned on me in the shower that my ex gf must be related to hurricane Dorian. You've been waiting for them to come but they just keep gyrating until they exhaust themselves. The worst though is when you see the video of them ravaging and gushing all over their previous fling, leaving you feeling completely inadequate and devastated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here's a tip:Don't say 'yes' to drugs! Also, don't say 'no' to drugs!Seriously, don't talk to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put some of my grandmother's ashes in water... Instagram."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that wombats are capable of complex mathematical operations? They can cube the number 2."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Galileo Galilei Invented the Thermoscope Which is the Forerunner of the Rectal Thermometer. Galileo also created the theory of heliocentric orbits by studying near planets like Mercury. This led to the discovery of further planets like Uranus.This is a man who found two different ways to apply Mercury to Uranus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Oh honey, are you the Middle East?\" \"Because you are one screwed-up mess, but I can't resist getting involved!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are snails bad at racing? They're sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a lady at the bank checking her balance so I pushed her over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about paper? Good that you haven't, it's tearable!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: \"Does this taste funny to you?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n A broken pencil. \n A broken pencil who? Never mind. It's pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial? Because it was in your mom's browser history.Ok, thank you dad.No problem,"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 40+40+SQUIRREL! 80HDMy daughter made up that joke when she was 8."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine can float one inch off the ground when he drinks Jack Daniels. He’s a bourbon legend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between jelly and jam? Jelly is made by filtering out the fruit pulp after the initial heating, whereas jam contains the small pieces of chopped up fruit.I'm tired of seeing \"I can't jelly my dick up your butt\", so I wanted to give the correct answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder.. ..to find exactly 32 of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lately I've been getting turned on every time I see someone cut in two on my tv shows So yeah I guess I'm bisectual"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by... First taking the intestines out of the goat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I see Google Calendar is down I thought I'd never see the day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been seeing a light bulb sales girl lately... Her name is Ellie DeeShe really lights up my life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it...  Lunch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart. Brian has a moustache."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup. I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What remains stationary no matter how hard you push? The envelope."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The chemistry teacher babbles on, \"Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium...\" One of the students stands up and says, \"BORON!!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A year ago,I tried to network around and create a group of guys with similar taste and do activities together. For some reason, the prosecuting lawyer and media keep mentioning it as a ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If it ever becomes illegal to wear a veil to work .... beekeepers will be furious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles... “Hardback?”, asked the clerk.“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The job posting said they were looking for a self-starter so I called and told them I was hired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees\" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out.. \" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand\"...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recent cyber security breaches are discovered due to their rapid deployment. The hackers are always Russian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Uncle Ben A true credit to his rice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Robert Palmer bad at tennis? He's addicted to love"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did I call the guy that keeps my daughter out late at night? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do if you see two snails fighting Nothing, just let them slug it out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today. I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, \"that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is watching TV together... ...and the man keeps switching channels back and forth between golf and porn over and over again.Finally, his partner says \"Jesus Christ,can you stop doing that please? Just leave it on porn! You already know how to play golf.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every 3 months buying new toothbrushes is expensive! I have 32 teeth to buy toothbrushes for, I wish someone would invent a teethbrush!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it It's an armadildo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when an exclamation mark is having sex? Exclamating"}
{"character": "random", "line": "iPhone 8 should have no charging port. So you can use it only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my gf she was drawing her eyebrows too high She looked surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget? The Secondhand store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally switched from Internet Explorer to Chrome! Just kidding, happy April fools day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a toy manufacturer, I've always believed that only kids know what kids want Which is why I only open factories in China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to the Doctor and says: \"Help, Doc. I'm scared of letters.\" Doctor: Are you?Man: Aahh!Doctor: Oh, you are. Man: Aaaaahhhhh!Doctor: It's okay , I see! Man AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles? Sandy Eggo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean... I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently, I discovered my fetish for self discovery. I just came to that conclusion!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job? A side hustle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanda lost sight of her life after the events of Infinity War Thankfully, she fully recovered her vision."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a woman in the park sells batteries. She sells C cells by the seesaw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene It doesn't add up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I make a grand a month making cat noises with my bum Arse miaou"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, \"This door is alarmed\"... And I wondered, what startled it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they call the lamp at the car factory that warns the workers that the engine is from eastern Europe? The czech engine light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are ghosts bad at lying ? Because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other... ...most of them would fall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb? None, they're too busy wishing people a happy cake day..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call a woman who actively encourages her husband to sleep with her friends? Sharon Cox"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease? Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw my friends having a screaming match with each other so I told them, “Remember, argue with facts and not curses.” So now I’m APPARENTLY banned from the Witches Gatherings from now on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the hardest part about riding a scooter? Telling your parents you're gay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Let's play strip poker. You can strip, and I'll poke you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I nutted in this girls hair a few weeks ago.... I know Im black, but she didnt need to call it gorilla glue ):"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped. And I think it's going to be a long, long time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How am I similar to the Earth ? We both rotate around our own ex(s)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the explosion at the Nissan factory? It was raining Datsun cogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights. Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad. Eventually it learned my moves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender says \"Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here.\"The helium doesn't react."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub? Coz of the amount of reused content here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last week, I met a Genie who said he’d grant me one wish, I only had 3 choices:First was a better memory. Second was a larger penis. Third was… well I can’t remember what the third choice was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all. Just a little food for thot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the national bird of Iran? An US drone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do dyslexic rabbits pass the time? They buck like funnies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: \"Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!\" The teacher replies: \"Not until you say the alphabet.\" So Little Jimmy recites: \"ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ\"    The teacher raises an eyebrow. \"Excuse me,\" she says, \"but where's the S, H, I and T?\"    Little Jimmy just sighs. \"...In my pants...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes. I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar climbs onto a stool and screams, \"ASSHOLES!  ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!\"\"HEY!\" someone yells out.  \"You watch your mouth!\"\"Why?\" the guy challenges.  \"Are you a lawyer?\"\"No, I'm an asshole!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop? To make ends meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After seeing my new tattoo, my angered wife retaliated by getting a breast reduction... tit for tat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, no hands!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the only thing more Irish than eating potatoes? Not having any potatoes to eat!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase? I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a drug dealing cow? A narcow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Billie Eilish just turned 18... ...now she’s too old for Drake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Easter Sunday! Just saying that if he came back on a Monday we could have had a long weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady and her bank joke A lady wanted to check the amount she had in her account so she went to the bank and the accountant said can I help you to which the lady replied with I'd like to check my balance so the accountant got out of his chair and pushed her over"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell a golf course is owned by Donald Trump? The rough is combed over the fairway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A UNIX Salesperson A unix salesperson named LenoreLoved her job, but loved the beach more.She devised such a wayto combine work and play:She sells C-shells by the seashore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Difference Between Starkiller Base and The Death Star Starkiller base doesn't have a reactor core because it is a copyright of the fine bros."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Kneel before me!\" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, \"You there, why do you not kneel!?\" The peasant responds, \"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an impotent baseball player? Two balls and a strike."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to sort out wtahtoebucrldazy into an actual sentence Then I relized “that would be crazy!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Squidward finally snapped, and used his clarinet to stab Spongebob. Killed him with A Sharp Instrument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bank Robber: Where's the safe? Teller:Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THESAFE?Teller:Bank Robber: WTF!!Penn: He always does this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court,\" he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do flamingoes life one leg up? If they lifted both they'd fall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A communist joke isn't funny... unless everyone gets it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn't the \"roof\" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers? A: Because they make no cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kids that won't nap are guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are a gorilla's nostrils so big? Just look at his fingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*Walks in on my dad inserting a bullet up his ass* My dad: ''Don't worry, I'm just fucking around''"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think turtles live longer than humans because... they live a shell-tered life?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.” “Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't always joke about stillborn Greek gods... ...but when I do, it's all about dead Pan delivery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the Newfoundland fisherman do on a day off? Net fix and chill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died? At his funeral they lowered the casket....Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store. You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy with a pink shirt, pink shoes,and a pink 40 caliber? Sir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered. It was a casual T."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why people think \"War and Peace\" is a tough read. It's only 3 words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[Historical] What do the Persians, young boys and spiced lamb meat have in common? Getting speared by the Ancient Greeks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The local furniture store sells stools I checked out one of their samples and I was unimpressed. It looked like a piece of shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas. I said, you're kidding me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture. The stewardess asked \"What the heck is that?\"He said \"It's my carri-on luggage\"*sorry sorry sorry*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The local wig shop got broken into last night They've had to replace all the locks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the most common occupation in Germany? Poland"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I want a divorce\" I told the judge. \"All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar. \"What is she doing that for?\" Asked the judge.\"Fu***ng looking for me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career? Quack cocaine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a baby pepper's favorite temperature? Just a little chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book? That's my story and I'm sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree? Doctor Who"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs. \"Could you please give me a description of them?\" the man asked.\"Certainly,\" I replied. \"They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it. Clear vision"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the French call marijuana? Oui'd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the cross-dresser rob the bank? By making a Trans-action"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it then it is not that good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A surgeon was fired after a botched vasectomy. Still got a severance package."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and cocky Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and the nerdiest virgin you have ever seen? Alien vs Redditor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a marking on the road that said \"Taxi Rank\" and a driver pulled into it. After assessing the car, I tapped on the window and he wound it down.I said, \"Hello, pal. I'd give your taxi a 7/10.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Operation Clean-Up Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.  Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why wouldn't the jelly come out of the jar? It was jammed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the tallest building in the world? The library, it’s got the most stories!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pennsylvania and New Jersey changed their state mottos today in order to cut their highway budgets. Now they both proudly display \"Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays\" on their welcome signs to better reflect the status of their roadways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy throw butter at the window? To see the butter fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the dinosaur era actually exist? You bet Jurassic did"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift. He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever seen .... I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.A horse *fly*?A goldfish *bowl*?A shoe *box*?A floor *mop*?A cat *fish*?A spelling *bee*?A chimney *sweep*?A chicken *strip*?A monk... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who’s the most prepared person on earth? Justin Case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid from the Make A Wish Foundation told me he wanted to be Batman for Halloween... So I murdered his parents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance  Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do window washers, who are high on really good weed, deal with every day? Chronic pane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... \"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess,\" the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket.\"Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?\" asks the frog. \"I'm a princess!\"The man shrugs. \"I'd rather have a talking frog.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A Mars bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn't fit! What a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer? \"Don't be such a wet blanket.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... \"I'm scared\" said the little girl.\"You're scared?!\" Said the man. \"At least you don't have to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say at the strip club? Ho! Ho! Ho!You’re all on my naughty list!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tomorrow's forecast is a high of 98 Degrees. I hate boy bands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a waffle on a California beach? A Sandy Eggo.- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says \"Hi\" by the way).-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said \"Regarding disposition of my ashes ... I have no burning desires about what you do with them\"(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher. I walked into his shop and said to him, \"Who told you you could sleep with my wife?\" He said, \"Everybody.\"Rodney Dangerfield"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency I mean it's just common cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents asked my why i was suddenly learning a foreign language? I told them, \"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't koalas classified as bears? Because they don't have the right koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory? The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time files when you're having fun Meanwhile one frog to another, \"Times fun when you're having flies\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you listen closely you can hear the polite squirrel swear \"Aww nuts!\"(its name is probably Carl)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to climb a ladder around Rick Astley? Because he's never gonna let you down"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge.  I didn’t say a word, said the third."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mario's Jeans What kind of jeans does Mario wear?*(in appropriate melody)* Denim, denim, denim..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine. I would not have to sell cocaine anymore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The high prices in the stores are like a cheap circumcision... A rip-off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Poker game I was playing poker with my friends Robin and Drake and some of their distant cousins.There was this one chick who won almost every hand.I can't be sure but I suspect fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is yellow and climbs trees? A banana stuck in Tarzan's arse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, \"I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled\"The clerk replies in disgust, \"It's just regular porn, you sick fuck\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it... AlGoreRythyms"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Rectangle, red and bad for your teeth? A Brick!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once thought I spotted a Leopard But It turns out they are born like that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two types of people on Indian roads Traffic Police and a beggar.One doesn't leave you until you give some money and other is the begger.I told this joke to my friend and he was offended because his father was a traffic police. Then we settled the dispute for 25 dollars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is gambling illegal in China Because they hate Tibet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"It's a revolution!\" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Scared the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "News report: airplane crashes into cemetery. Authorities are shocked as over 3000 victims' corpses have been retrieved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf. I haven't heard from him since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... \"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess,\" the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket.\"Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?\" asks the frog. \"I'm a princess!\"The man shrugs. \"I'd rather have a talking frog.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't rabbits make noise when they're having sex? Cotton balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house? Pardon me, please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guys I need your help, in the middle of an argument with my wife, she told me that I'm right, what do I do next?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Karen walks into a library She goes to the librarian says,\"I want a Big Mac and a Coke please\"Librarian looks at her puzzled and says\"This is a library Miss\"Karen replied,\"Oh yes sorry\"(whispers) 'I want a Big Mac and a Coke please'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid asks his mother: \"how come im black and youre white?\" She replies: \"listen, the way i remember that party, youre lucky you dont bark.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't Monsters eat Ghosts? They taste like sheet!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby? A slow poke!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas The brunette says : \"I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace.\" And then the blonde says : \"What do you do when you run out of children?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need to brush up on my geography. The box my new TV came in said \"Built In Antenna.\" I have no idea where Antenna is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the cross-dresser rob the bank? By making a Trans-action"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always sense when my siblings are going to have a daughter. I have telekineices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles. I told them to make it snappy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were born without legs. I guess it runs in the- wait a minute"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Hey, I’m looking for a book about turtles” “Ah yes, the hard back”“Yeah, With small heads”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "WI Couldn't Get A Reservation At The Library... They were fully booked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you would have told me on Nov. 10 2016 that the Trump presidency would end with the economy failing and the country dying.. I would have totally believed you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, \"You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking.\" \"Now settle down,\" the doctor calmly told him. \"You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? It's because they can't see sh!t at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a freshly fallen tree? Die Hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do flamingoes life one leg up? If they lifted both they'd fall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what did the grain of salt say to the doctor? Doc I think I tore NACL"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why isn't Kim Kardashian allowed to swim on the beach? Because there is already enough plastic in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do crabs run in Alabama? They run in family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Presidential Library Ideas: Former President Donald J Trump A children’s section with cages for kids to sit in and read."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a stuntwoman use when she’s on her period? A crash pad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field? F-owl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customer: One box of condoms, please. Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus taxCustomer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them He didn't tell me  what to do with those damn letters though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick? One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^There once was a [person] from [place]Whose [body part] was [special case].When [event] would occur,It would cause [him or her]To violate [law of time/space]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think the name Jack Hiscock is bad You should feel even worse for his sister, Sharon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served. The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to brag to my grandson about how many girls I picked up at Auschwitz. He said it doesn't count since I used a dust pan and brush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints? Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dumb and Dumber were fired from the M&Ms factory Dumb and Dumber were fired from the M&Ms factory for tossing all the Ws!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife... He said, \"Meet Patty\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically. There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...Judge Jew D."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A customer walks into a bank... ...and tells the cashier: \"Good morning. I've come to pay the final installment on the loan used to buy a baby stroller\"Cashier: \"That's wonderful. And how is the baby doing?\"Customer: \"I'm doing alright, thank you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months. \"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!\"You mean 9 months.\"Ken is 24 months!\" Deborah, he's 2.\"My baby is -26 weeks old!\"No, Karen, you miscarried."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grandpa say to his grandson right before he kicked the bucket? “Hey do you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do bananas say when they see their grandmother? Hey Nana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a bacon grease burn? Oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rock climbing rabbi? Mountain Jew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law? Murphy's Law is simply \"whatever can go wrong, will go wrong\".  But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i read on the internet there's a lot of people shooting heroin ...how is that guy still alive?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a dollar for every girl that thought I looked too fat, By now, they’d think I looked pretty good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals? The headline read \"Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Anthony Hopkins go to learn about cannibalism? To a Hannibal Lecture."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Anthony Hopkins go to learn about cannibalism? To a Hannibal Lecture."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it. The woman at the counter says, \"Let me guess, you're single?\" And he says, \"Yeah, how could you tell?\" And she says, \"Because you're really fucking ugly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "PROMOTION Employee: Sir, I hope it’s okay that I replace the former manager who just died.   Boss: I’m totally fine with it. But maybe the funeral home won’t allow it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rabbi, a priest, and a black guy are on an airplane... The plane is full of kids but only has 2 parachutes. The black guy grabs one and bails immediately.Rabbi: Give me the last parachute!Priest: But what about the kids?Rabbi: FUCK THE KIDS!Priest: Do we have time?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are prison inmates dressed in orange? They should be dressed in violet Because they're violetors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a possum that goes back for seconds on soup A more-soupial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school She called it “Cutting hedge technology”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you not want hide when playing hide and go seek in a hospital? The I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would never hit someone with a musical instrument... I don't like to resort to violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex Position #189 \"The John Wilkes Booth\" (NSFW) You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug. I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I really do regret taking history and geography Every time I’d enter the class room I would exclaim ‘oh the humanities!’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime. No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 men discussing why they joined the army.... \"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army.\" says the first man.The second one replies, \"I'm married and I like peace.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Attack on Titan is actually slice of life For short people"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why twins are sexual deviants? They cum in pears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall' to her. I said \"Maybe...\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. \"I'm a turtle\", he says.\"Oh... who's on your back?\"\"That's Michelle\", he replies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet... Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down Iv never seen that much toasted bread before"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \\*Whispering into phone\\* The leopard's escaped again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid. I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: \"No one expects te spanish inn physician. \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a watchmaker uses Dial and a piano player uses Ivory and a Orange grower uses Zest... ...Does a Bull Fighter use Olay?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I tried cat for the first time yesterday Just kitten"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower. I'm a transplant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Violets are glorious Don't sneak up on,Oscar Pristorius"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was only a $3 bottle of Chardonnay but we partied like it was $19.99"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper? Rough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked up to a girl and said, \"Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums.\" \"Erm...what?\" she asked.I said, \"I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy? A Dick-Tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Specialists What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One specialist looks up your family tree and the other looks up your family bush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768 I’m not buying any new tv’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Do You Call A Man Who Takes Huge Pride Over The Size Of His Balls ? Egotesticle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman... You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheap farmer that let a town starve? He didn't give a crop"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park I asked him \"Why are you eating grass?\"He said \"I am very hungry\"I replied \"Oh, okay then. Come with me.\"You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say smoking will give you diseases But how can they say that when it cures salmon!!   (Lol im a smoking chef and when i heard this joke I coughed my lungs like i have the rona. Had to post it )"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your kitten killed our Rottweiler.\" \"I'm sorry?\" \"I said your kitten killed our Rottweiler!\" \"My cute little kitten? I can't believe it. How?\" \"He choked on it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Taxes and Texas? Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed. It would be a real game changer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are\" Ok. BTW what's my last name?\"Scissorhands\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a group of Giraffes? a Myth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought.... Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Caller: Hello, 911, my friend collapsed, we need an ambulance. 911: What is your location? Caller: Peotone St. at Charlevoix911: Can you spell that?Caller: Look, I'll drag him to 3rd and Oak - send the ambulance there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight 6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two friends met after a long time. First one said: my wife is an angle. Second one replied: You are very lucky man. Mine is still alive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift. He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did methane say on reacting with oxygen in presence of m2o3? That's the wrong hole that's the wrong holeContext: CH4 + O2 ( in presence of Mo2O3)-->hcho(meth-anal)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation And I've gotta say, it really shucks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ? A: Just stab it 23 times"}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: In light of Hurricane Michael, remember to always look out for yourself. As they say: There's no 'I' in Team... But there is an Eye in Hurricane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MTV turns 40 this year. Thanks for 14 years of music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why won't the US change over to the Metric system? Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a marker raises a good argument? A fine point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called? VAChina."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing the squeeze box and a policeman told me to stop, so I acted accordioningly. \\*boom tish\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents laughed when I out-joked my dad. My mother called my father a joke, and my dad said, \"Not as much of a joke as our kid.\" They both started laughing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why people think \"War and Peace\" is a tough read. It's only 3 words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman has just given birth to her child. The doctor holds the newborn child at both feet, upside down, then slams it three times on the wall. The mother is shocked! The doctor consoles: «April fools! Was already dead!»"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Holding a step ladder) \"This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great pizza joke for you. Nevermind, it's too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the single IT technician when he tried to flirt with a barista at a cafe? He was unable to make a connection to the server"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whaddya use to decide whether to host a Star Trek poetry event? A list of prose in Khans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard wired connections are faster... So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me I thought to my self,   “Well that wasn’t very mature.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a quantum observation theory where only police have consciousness cop didn't see it I didn't do it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the turtle go to AT&T because he couldn't sprint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. \"Is everything okay, pal?\" the bartender asks. \"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, \"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?\"\"Yeah. But today is the last day...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're a teenage girl and you need to visit the mall to get supplies for art class, just say so. Don't turn to your dad as you leave the house and say \"I'm going to the mall to get felt.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was arrested by a policeman for sitting in the park not doing anything. The charge was impersonating a politician."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad had an ischemic stroke, and my uncle had a hemorrhagic stroke You know what they say: different strokes for different folks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superman lost all of his money on a digital currency scheme It was his cryptonite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between squash and zucchini? You can't zucchini bugs!A family-friendly take on the age old \"jam VS jelly\" joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together. OMg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We had a surprise costume party for my Australian co-workers promotion and we dressed him up as his nations favorite marsupial. He was well koalafied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If an Anglophone speaks the language of the Angles what does that make someone who speaks the language of the Saxons?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom? He sheet himself!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just figured out that ghosts are . . . . . people who died trying to fold a fitted sheet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do if you are quarantine and stuck in the oval office? Netflix and Bill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says \"Fuck off you won't bring it back\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is the first year that I have to cancel our family trip on winter vacation to Europe because of Covid.... Otherwise every year we had to cancel because of money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... Do I Keep The Letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "i told my family i was going vegan im quitting cold turkey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jesus turns up at a stoning. And asks what the person is getting stoned for. “Adultery” is the response from the crowd. Jesus replied “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”A voice from the crowd replied “for fucks sake Jesus, you always want to go first!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the first pig discovered in? SINGAPORK!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question. But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is prostitution illegal? Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian? Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: \"Class, I am going to test you on tenses today.\" She point to John and says \"John, if I say 'I am beautiful', what tense is it?\" John stands up, gives the teacher a perplexed look and after thinking nice and hard says \"Well, it obviously is past tense.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD They're calling it AD4K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a little sad that my old HP printer died on me today. It was like a Brother to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bro can you help me name these information pamphlets Brochure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only a fisherman will understand the struggle Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An explorer claimed the Ancient Egyptians had Bitcoin technology before anyone else! He stumbled upon a tomb filled with ancient gold money, and shouted “Look at this crypt! Ohh currency!!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am really sad because my pet chameleon won’t change colors I think he has ereptile dysfunction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what... I'm a gril who can't raed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't witches wear underpants? To get a better grip on the broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad bought a new farm, so he asked me to move the chicken coop over to the new land It was a very heavy bird den"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle... ...is for anal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a voodoo live stream? Twitch-craft."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you compliment a Venezuelan girl? Tell her she looks like a trillion bucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases. It’s-a-me, Malario."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? Close the door, I'm dressing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house... but the kids still get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a white drug abuser in america A politician"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man this book on natural selection is really fascinating me I wonder if there are any other books about the Darwin awards"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey. Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After spending a semester of my engineering degree studying the construction of the channel tunnel. I can reveal it was dug by a huge boring machine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Difference between Sun and Bun. Sun rises in the East and sets in the West.......... ............Bun rises in Yeast and sets in the Waist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a job fair and loudly announced that somebody was either going to have to give me a job or drag me out kicking and screaming. I'm an editor at WikiLeaks now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock... ...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, \"Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!\" Mods said I'm a cereal reposter..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy. He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes? The manager said, \"what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Zucchini say when it got stepped on? *squash*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Frenchman that got baked into a loaf of bread? He's in a lot of pain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis. I only had two options, either give it away... or flea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't eat pheasant. Its a little fowl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girlfriend told me my tendency to take everything literally has led to her walking on eggshells around me I told her that’s terrible for the carpet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who cosplays as Jesus? A cross-dresser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the local farmer? Who was feeding his pigs marmite?  They gave birth to twiglets 🤌"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend had twins last month, Amal and Juan When I saw her at the store yesterday she only had a picture of one of the babies on her phone but she assured me, “If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was baking the other day and as I was baking, my Caribbean friend came into my kitchen with a slice of cake and asked, \"Jamaican cake?\" so I replied, \"No, I'm making a pie.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a dinosaurs favourite deodorant REXona"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only weakness Superman has on the internet is.. krypto-currency"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words: “Rat tu, touille?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fork and a knife's conversation Knife: forks are basically  useless.Fork: why? What will people eat with?Knife:with their hands.Fork: you've got a point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a star wars bounty hunter who loves tropical fruit ? Mango Fett."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did one lamb friendzone the other? She didn’t want to ruin their friendsheep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli(I'm sorry I'll leave now...)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program the rest of them will write Perl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A beggar walked up to me and said, I haven't eaten anything for days. I just looked at him and said, \"God, I wish I had your willpower\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me what time my dentist appointment is “Tooth hurty”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're. Their, I finally said it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend fell off his motorcycle He has brain damage and two broken arms. Why the fuck would anyone let him try to ride in that condition is beyond me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking about starting a donation website for men who can't afford Viagra I was going to call it \"Dick starter\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert? He had to resort to excessive violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why twins are sexual deviants? They cum in pears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies… Well first it tied them, then it beat them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tiny fruit farmer move to Minnesota? He was Mini-apple-less!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people? You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business. Here's the Amazon link to it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Just Got Cast In A Commercial! I'm the \"before\" picture"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards? Because they use a strongly typed language."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday. I couldn't see any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took saxophone lessons for six months... ...until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end? (credit: Tommy Cooper)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabba Ghoul"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon \"Can I practice on my self first?\" He said \"Sure, knock yourself out!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie. On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.On Thursday, 3.On Friday, 5.On Saturday, 8.And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.That is the fibber-Nazi sequence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A secretary is helping her boss sort through job applications to pick a winner The first thing the boss does is close his eyes, pick out 5 at random, and throw them in the trash. Puzzled, the secretary asks \"why did you do that?\"The boss responds, \"I dont want to hire an unlucky person\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? \"Put it on my bill!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A yardvark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do snails fight? They slug it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Reese eat cereal? Witherspoon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common? What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?They both want to get there before the hair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which one is more brave, a stone or a match? A stone, because it’s a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pile of coins in the rain? Climate change"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW: what's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint? The joint won't get passed around the entire show."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ... I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many policeman does it take to change a lightbulb none they just beat the room for being black"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re  deer tracks”, “No They’re  Bear Tracks “ Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind. We have really weird pets in my neighborhood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A very drunk guy starts beating up a nun on the street He throws kicks, uppercuts, regular punches, even some drunk karate moves.Once he is exhausted he steps back and says \"You disappoint me, Batman\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book. Now she'll always have a soldier to crayon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet? It would start Clogging up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course... Man: Well, someone's going to be six under!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product The iShovel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The scariest punchline to a long-running joke: \"Welcome to the Oval Office, President Trump!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you're on the Oregon Trail don't make fun of Terrance, or he might kill you. You don't want to die of dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to buy perfume from a vending machine, but it was out of odor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the fisherman upset with his new property? After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the wheel invented? In Tyre"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop.\" \"Oh, I see. So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference.\"\"Ah. I guess that could work too.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a bus’s favorite food? Children.(Joke created by my 6 year old)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis. Returned a sander."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, \"Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet... \"As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing.\"One in six of them likes it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Dicks Sporting Goods and bought a heavy bad and 14oz gloves. The checkout clerk asked me, \"Do you wanna box for those?\" ... Why does it always have to be a fight with you people? Can't I just pay for them and go home?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "And the first prize is [drum roll]: One night with Donald Trump. Second prize is two nights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once.... It wasn't right, man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Santa’s favorite type of music? Wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you do up your zipper when you go to Ukraine? Chernobyl fall out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a former Vice President keeping a beat? Algorithm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Manuel turned his life around. He used to be sad and lonely.Now he's lonely and sad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Christmas I was just minding my own business when I was visited by a few ghosts. The plot Dickens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea. When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.  \"Ow!\" yells the man, \"I asked for this to be room temperature!\"  \"It is, sir\" says the waiter \"The kitchen is on fire.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, \"Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?\" \"It's spelled 'you're',\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When we have self-driving cars, I’m pretty sure . . . my wife will complain about its driving too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened? 'Buns n Hoses'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did a cheating snail say to his slug wife Sorry but i love Michelle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,Fred Flintstein replied: \"A dab o' ABBA doo.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So i was watching p*rn last night and accidently pressed cast to tv, it found a samsung tv and started steaming... I dont have a samsung tv in my house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A daughter asks her father how he left the middle east. I ran."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two terrorists having discussion in a bar The waiter asks them what the discussion was about.Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.Waiter: Why a donkey?Then one terrorist says to the other, “See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the Spelling bee Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.Me: “I-N-V-U-“Judge: I am pretty awesome."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cattle feed shopping Recently I got to know of this site which sells excellent Cattle feed. It mainly constitutes grain supplement and came highly recommended. However I was disappointed with the quality when it was delivered. I had to give them the feed back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers. While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: \"No. You can't CME.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I keep loading paper into my printer but it keeps saying \"I just can't get enough\" I think it's stuck in Depeche Mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Internet Discussion user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE! user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock. user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons? A: Because they often have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator? I think I'm coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese factory that got blown up? Da brie was everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sausage puns are the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery...I'll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females. I replied \"mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eyes Specialist Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mayor say when he found out the river is flooding? Dam it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my job as an event planner at a nursing home today... Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two options for keeping a budget that always has money. Add a zero or move the decimal point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor. I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you give potatoes spectacles? Spectaters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[Life Pro Tip] Stay away from negative people Wait, that was 2 years ago..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa. Then my mom hid the urn from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy? Because he was a veteran Aryan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old but gold What is green and smells like pork?Kermit the frog's middle finger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Larry the Cucumber was having trouble. Bob the Tomatoe walked in and said, \"Sounds like quite the pickle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a llama and a sweet potato? You get a Yyama!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman wakes up under a cow She says: \"one at a time boys\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up.“Don’t bother, young man,” said the customer. “It’s self-rising.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chameleon came into a new environment. He thought to himself, 'Colour me intrigued'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... \"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess,\" the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket.\"Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?\" asks the frog. \"I'm a princess!\"The man shrugs. \"I'd rather have a talking frog.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would happen if Uranus collided with earth? It would be a pain in the ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got super freaked out when I saw 2 dead bodies hanging in my closet I was relieved when I remembered I had just installed a mirror in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computers favourite type of wine Port"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend always wanted to get run over by a steam train... So when it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out? Shredded lettuce"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield? Its asshole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If your digital multimeter gives a bogus reading, try it again. It's probably a Fluke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I take Viagra for my sun burn... It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you apply for American citizenship... When you apply for American citizenship, you have to write a short paper about yourself. Or in other words, A you essay"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The newly released BMW M4 had faulty turn signals It took the new owners 4 months to notice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's got 24 legs and flys? 12 pairs of jeans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fisherman caught the golden shark *Please let me go and I`ll have you one wish come true*, said the shark.*I want my dick to be so long that it reaches the ground*, answered the fisherman.*Ok*, said the shark and bit his legs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure what to do with the leftover pancake mix... Should I throw it away or do you have a batter idea?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes? At the owlet malls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Binary War? It was a disaster. No One survived."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call british womans periods? Bloody hell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the teddy bear say after blowing out the birthday candles? No thanks I’m stuffed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate five alarm chili last night... ...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Toys-R-Us sells toys Then Babies-R-Us must sell babies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage. It was a tern for the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this fairground big wheel made of iron? Of course it is! It's a ferrous wheel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do people say \"break a leg\" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"My boyfriend was slept with by you!\" I heard one girl shout at another in the mall. \"Your reputation will be ruined by this! YOU'RE GONNA BE KILLED BY ME!!\"\"Why is she talking like that?\" I asked my friend. \"Oh, don't mind her,\" he said. \"She's just really passive aggressive.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, \"It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor.\"Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend: Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment. Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy shows up late for work The boss yells, \"You should’ve been here at 8.30!\"He replies, \"Why? What happened at 8.30?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes. But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts serve humans for dessert? I Scream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What's he going to change next-his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say as his son left? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cannibals eat pancakes? They wait by tall buildings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you posion a woman with a razorblade? Give her arse.a.nic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if someone has priority boarding on a budget airline? Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't George Washington want his portrait on US currency? Because he didn't want to be drawn and \"quartered.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat loves to step on my keyboard Hmckfykfkufjthfidrbsxjhcktsrg chdrgqbgFtgangg r Jr temvzdv. If MT cBzzca v  CD gen dmath"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an exhibitionist suicide bomber? A flash bang"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put your name on my alarm clock... every time I wake up I get to smash you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was in a cafe He took one sip of the coffee, and grimaced.Walking to the barista, he asked why it tasted so bad.The barista shrugged, and told him \"well, it was ground this morning!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when a condor, an ostrich, and an eagle walk into a bar? Three golfers lying about their game"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the flower so dangerous? It had a concealed pistil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy breaking into peoples houses and drinking all their coffee? I don't know how he sleeps at night!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch I’ve come to my senses"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't wait for Tuesday, February 22, 2022 (2/22/22). . We can call it... 2's day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This Easter, the catholic church is sourcing all of it's bread and wine from a factory in China. It's called mass production."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:\"Man, Chester, you Knighted!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? A philosiraptor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We have ghosts in house \\- \"I went last night to the bathroom and light turns on by itself. I finish peeing and go out only for the light to turn off by itself too.\"\\- \"Idiot! You pissed in the fridge again.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is yellow in color that you shouldn’t try to drink? A school bus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate playing cards in the Oval Office. The president always has a trump card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a farmer find new cows to buy? He looks through the cattlelog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the word \"scent\", is the S or the C silent? Not even *sc*ience can explain that..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Longest Drum Solo The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how music can take you to another place... For example Meghan Trainor is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One fisherman said to the other: \"Using bait during fishing isn't necessary\". The other fisherman said: \"that's debaitable\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago... He'd always say \"For you, son, the sky's the limit.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of a chick flick? A Rush concert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About  miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What part of a flower is the brightest? The light bulb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the farmers to attend a meeting on Thursday morning. None of them turnip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new discovery is made pertaining to the ethnicity of Ancient Egyptian Kings Archaeologists have discovered that the kings of Ancient Egypt were in fact black. Upon unwrapping the gold sarcophagus they found the body of a dark chocolate skinned man. The legendary Pharaoh Rocher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guy friends are planning how to market their new product Friend 1: “Should I make a folded informative pamphlet that we can hand out to potential customers?”Friend 2: “Bro, sure!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that every year cats kill more people than sharks? But that's probably because it's hard to get the cat to get in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm getting tired of these targeted ads. I just saw one for funeral services ffs! That's the last thing I need!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I said to my wife “You are my drug” She said:  “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”I replied:  “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My iPhone was stolen today... ...I hope the thief will face time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle. At least not right off the top of my head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of environment do hobbits live in? A hobbitat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Jaguar and a Leopard? Thousands of miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local cemetery is working to resell mine and my wife’s burial plots to a new buyer... We’re in grave danger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Erik the Red wanted people to come and live in his new found ice covered land so he named it Greenland."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak? Flaming yawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cemetery count How many dead people are in a cemetery?All of them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2? Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Tiger Woods has been hitting the gym lately Been crushing legs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome... Made me so wet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son as he walked out the door? Bi-son."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would bears be without the letter B? Ears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't two elephants go swimming? Because they only have one pair of trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery...I'll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask It's called Natural Selection"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a whale without underpants? Free Willy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a frog's favorite drug? Croakaine. Explains why they're hopped up all the time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I enjoy playing outside as a kid. My brother would roll me down the hill in an old tire. Those were Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night We had a very heated argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to watch a music movie... But it was full of sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.The rabbit says “I have no idea, I’m only here because of autocorrect”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the world. I said \"Really?\"She said, \"Yes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the waves on a small beach? Microwaves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over... Sew boring!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone is of the idea that shark song will be played 18 years from now in proms and clubs. As adults do you ever go singing... the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town.... ..... the doors on the bus go open and shut, open and shut, the doors on the bus go open and shut all through the town....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan Cast iron"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony... He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me \"have you ever been convicted of a felony?\" \"Does stealing a joke count?\" I asked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy .>!gf is prego!<>!we like to get kinky anyways!<>!one night things get particularly saucy!<>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can be your own secret santa! All you need is ambien and amazon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!! No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nudists must be careful around Team Rocket... ... because they're always trying to get a Pikachu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake. I'm on a work trip and I just texted her \"having a wonderful time, wish you were her.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.\"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down.\"\"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him.\" Johnny then frowned.\"I was sitting on Daddy's lap\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Blonde walks into an elevator She sees her co worker Steve & says \"TGIF\". Steve has a puzzled look on his face and replies \"NSIT\". Ever more puzzled the blonde replies \"TGIF, thank God it's Friday\".  Steve then says \"NSIT, no stupid it's Thursday\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you are hugging Dwayne Johnson and a pig? You’re stuck between The Rock and a lard place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd. The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.  The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was upset when the Sunday puzzle's clues were wrong She called the newspaper's editor, and had cross words with him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Alexa, where's my dad? Alexa-Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.Young Boy-Ha, got ya Alexa ! My Dad is sitting here right next to me.Alexa-Your mothers husband is sitting here right next to you. Your Dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, \"Why is your stomach so big?\" She replied, \"I’m having a baby.\" With big eyes, he asked, \"Is the baby in your stomach?\" She answered, \"He sure is.\" Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, \"Is it a good baby?\"She said, \"Oh, yes. It's a real good baby.\" With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked:Then why did you eat him?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Interactive Pirate Joke \"What's a pirate's favorite letter? ArrrrWhat's a pirate's favorite color? ArrrrangeWhat's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?\"at this point you pause and wait for your audience to say \"the arrrmy\"\"No, the Navy, dumbass\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fat shaming is wrong. They have enough on their plate already."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Robert Pattison so pale? There's no sunlight in the closet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math But science and math pushed back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called my dad from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice he asked for. “Concentrate” he said, but I still couldn’t remember!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow... ...Tooth be trolled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are most weather forecasters men? Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got in a fight with a guy in a wheel chair the other day He won't be walking for weeks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Ireland run out of potatoes during the Irish potato famine? They discovered they could make alcohol out of them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my gf she was drawing her eyebrows too high She looked surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always get a little sad during hurricane season in south Florida... ...you could say I have tropical depression."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steven Yeun makes Oscars history as first Asian American to be nominated for best actor. Which is honestly disheartening because there are so many Asian American actors in the past who had performances that deserved best actor. Like Mickey Rooney in \"Breakfast at Tiffany's\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players… The servers are currently down..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me. It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to... Bahrain deer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Amish girlfriend only likes missionary sex. I tried to get her to try other positions. But all she does is cum plain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate... It was like a bargaining CHIP."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If there's an Antartica, why isn't there an Uncle Artica 7 year old daughter just gave this to me as a joke and seriously cracked me up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days. But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Lucifer eat for breakfast? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son got angry when I told him \"Sky is the limit for you\". He wants to be an astronaut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories... Makes scents..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store. You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Amazing looking meals is called Food porn. Beautiful outdoor landscapes is called Nature porn... But when I want to look up pictures of adorable kids the FBI shows up on my doorstep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every accent is a good accent. Except people from Uranus, they have a bad ac-scent"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot. Hitler wore brown pants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The vet said she will put the dog down. \"But why?!\" exclaimed the owner.\"Because he's heavy.\" explained the dogtor.-taken from a cat calendar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’ve heard of television but have you heard of Askahearing?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who Did Fonzie call when his motorcycle broke down? Triple Ayyy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate? One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An atheist comes into a mall And there is no parking spot, so he says \"God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian\".Two minutes later he says \"Nevermind I found one\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night. Lettuce be seen without dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. I hope."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net. All he caught were catfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop? To make ends meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off But for some reason people call me pyromaniac"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature. Last heard, he's 0K now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs. I couldn't help thinking, 'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"And this baby is our granddaughter. Her name is Degree.\" \"I'm sorry, did you say Deborah?\"\"No, no. Degree. Our daughter left for University and came back with this. It's her Degree.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Crew Dragon rocket I guess the real joke will be in the comets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights. It's going to be completely Excel Lent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the printer say when it ran out of paper? Oh sheet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was gonna start a butcher shop But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says ...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the way to a woman's vagina? Oh sorry, I thought this was /r/AskReddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two types of people. Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a groundbreaking invention But everyone was blown away by the leafblower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery? We tart it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I’m making big improvements dealing with my tendency to read hostility into situations That fucking sarcastic asshole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finished a puzzle the other day. It had \"3 to 5 years\" written on the box. It only took me two weeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father's day joke Father: Anthony, do you think I am a bad father?Son: My name is Paul."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about VR for Cows? In Russia they are using Virtual reality to enhance cows moods and increase milk production. On theose cold dreary days the put the VR headset on them and show them summer pastures.You could say it is a mooood enhancer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy and a girl are playing naked in the sand, when the boy starts laughing at the girl that she does not have a peepee. The girl just grins and says... When I grow up, I will have as many peepees as I like."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a cafe A man walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to goThe coffee gets up and walks away.(Can’t take credit for this, read it on a coffee shop window)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Auschwitz and Chick-fil-A Auschwitz accepted gays"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a math mistake? algebruh moment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East? Because there are to many targets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat. We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security. Or to hide a blowjob from his wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find a pothead in a crowd? You weed them out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth). Weird flex, but OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cross dresser do at Christmas? Eat, drink and be Mary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My comrades were destroying the brick factory. I said \"Stop, we need the bricks!\"They replied, \"That's why we're demolishing it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the doctor’s Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.Me: How small are we talking?Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get:- your wife back- your house back- your truck back- your dog back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three crows planned a meeting and only two of them showed up They were charged for attempted murder"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do cantaloupes go for the summer? John Cougar’s Mellencamp."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job? going cold turkey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese factory that got blown up? Da brie was everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator? I think I'm coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great pizza joke for you. Nevermind, it's too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gives people power? The mitochondria."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was. The end result was a tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife? They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume. Stupid cemetery rules."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper? A fizzician!I’ll see myself outEdit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...Thanks for the gold and silvers!Happy New Years y’all!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What the difference between Pizza and Musician? A pizza can feed a family of 4."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife bought a talking parrot, but returned it to the pet store a week later. “This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.“I haven’t had a fucking chance to!” Replied the parrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do spiders seek health advice WebMD"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ambulances are the original Transformers because sometimes they transform mid-ride into hearses."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the butter confused at the protesters marching down the street? He didn't know what it was like to be marginalized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought It's a growing problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the first form of digital storage? gloves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day? That would be soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: Why are you laughing alone? Tell the Joke to the class so everyone can laugh. Student : Sir, he said that you're a good teacher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dj-ing kangaroo? Disc joey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month? Me: I have given my answer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The hippocampus is like the Martin Luther King Jr. part of the brain because it's always like ... I have a dream!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the NRA file for bankruptcy? Because classes are being taught virtually"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out about the second meaning of BBC.... Who cares about British television?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, \"I need to have an outfit washed.\" The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, \"Come again?\"The blonde said, \"No, it's toothpaste this time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does spiderman always have the best comebacks? With great power comes great response ability!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? Wooly jumpers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My audio editor keeps shutting down unexpectedly while I'm working. The Audacity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning? Daylight cum(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who knew that by setting a mosquito free, that one day.. ..it would come back and bite me in the ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife. They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge. Ulysse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Japan, Korea, and China go trick or treating. Japan and Korea receive candy while China gets opium.Britain was at the door.Credit to u/TheSnipenieer for the inspirational post."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Because of lock down my hair has never been longer But it is really starting to grow on me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan? Because of the Taliban(say it out loud)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I threw a boomerang 5 years ago Today, I live in constant fear.\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad? It's a sweet emulsion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t know why the color purple gets such bad reviews? It made me blue when I red the comments."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US? Agent orange, duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I signed up for German language lessons recently. They replied, and I am kind of worried now. They said, “We have ways of making you talk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to \"break a leg\"? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is common between a gynaecologist and a food delivery person? They both can smell it but can't taste it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Horologists probably never get tired of hearing the same repeated jokes when they mention their profession. They deeply appreciate things that happen like clockwork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy? Because schools are closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country Because if he is, something‘s gone wrong with the Canadian legal system"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher just asked me what steps you should take when you’re in a burning building. Apparently, “really large ones” wasn’t the right answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where the experts are As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to translate a joke from my native language A man walks into a gardening store and asks the clerk: \"Have you got anything for ants?\"The clerk replies with: \"Well, we've got insecticide...\"Tha man frowns and says: \"Are you crazy?! It says on the can that it kills them!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For an orphan, Every bag of chips is family sized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I have trained this goat to talk. Karen: This would be fun to see.Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?Goat: MeeMe[to goat]: Who's my pet?Goat: MeeKaren: Ah, its boringMe: Wait it gets better Goat: It gets way better, Karen!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor. I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.I said, \"Have you been masturbating with this?\"\"No!\" she gasped. I said, \"Then why is it covered in cobwebs?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... ...but I don't like to point fingers..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country? He was Snowden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales? Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kathy: \"Wow, you have really gorgeous hair.\" Chandler: \"Thanks, I grow it myself.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are surprised that I have a Police record, but I love \"Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Tribute Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talkMan: you're onBoy: how does sandpaper feel?Dog: Ruff!Boy: what's on top of a house?Dog: Roof!Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?Dog: Ruth!Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of h... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a boxing comedian need? A good punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to grow a pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't the Chinese play cricket? They eat the bat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you. The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a viola greet a relative? Cello!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't believe my literature teacher is forcing me to read and analyze one of George Orwell's books. It's literally 1984."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,”  I replied “probably the ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did a tectonic plate say to another tectonic plate after they accidentally collided? Sorry, my fault.(I'm sure it's been said before, but I still giggled at that one)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening.. Talk about short arms long pockets..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A French computer scientist has come up with a quick way of transferring files electronically. It’s called a Pierre to Pierre network."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two types of people. Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a judge's favourite drink ? Guil-tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman has the last word in any argument. A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Violets are blue Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...? Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where the experts are As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, \"I think we should break up\" The other tree: \"why wood you do this\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Coronavirus came from Wuhan but it isn't the only disease to come from China There's also the Wu Ping cough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went pillow shopping the other day but I left angry [OC] The salesman wouldn’t stop talking down to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene Proof once and for all that he's unstable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "China Online What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?Lo Ding"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a kid's meal at the McDonald's today. The parents called the manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just in the queue at Tesco when Diana Ross tried to push in. I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin? Shallot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little known fact, the mods of /r/Jokes are all actually Peruvian owls… I think they're Inca hoots…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class? Sum bodies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage. It gets pretty kinky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pink, plastic birds that are popular lawn ornaments in Florida..... are they called, \"Placebo Flamingos\"?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once hired a beggar for my business I once owned a little cafe. This beggar always stands in front of my door. Out of the goodness of my heart, I hired him. I taught him how to use the power juicer. He could never get it right. And that's when it hit me. Beggars can't be juicers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry It has its prose and its Khans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed. After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the Scottish National Party’s proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings? Nick all the sturgeon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you were an owl how often would you check your back? Owl the time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beefWhere do you find a cow with no legs?Right where you left itWhat do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beefWhat do you call a cow with one leg? StakeWhat do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline \"The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse\". When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror. And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself \"Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make number one disappear? You flush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do farmers do in Alabama? Pump kin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never get tired of jokes about dyslexia even though I have it. I wish I could read all of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that's angry about being cold? A ham brr grr!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the potato cough up blood? Because it had tuber-culosis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pizzeria on a golf range? Pizza Putt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year... I have 20/20 vision. Happy holidays folks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a health conscious cannibal? A humanitarian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a duck mating a pillow the other day... I guess it was DTF"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a priest get hit in the face by a perfume burner during mass. The priest was incensed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to dis-a-brie?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn't pay his exorcist. He got repossessed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*Walks in on my dad inserting a bullet up his ass* My dad: ''Don't worry, I'm just fucking around''"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia... It's called Guam in 60 Seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Feel like hearing a dark joke? turn off the lights before doing knock knock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a space pun But i need a little more time to planet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A daughter asks her father how he left the middle east. I ran."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.My sweet sweet child looked me in the eye, and said: “I'll visit you”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW what'd the sodomite say to his spouse after an argument lets put a plug in it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call toast in a cage? Bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police chief asked, \"Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?\" The officer responded, \"I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.\" The chief frowned and said... \"Please, just wear your police uniform.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a knight with a consistent sleep schedule? Sir Cadian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got arrested and put on a watch-list at an air port. All i did was yell \"This shit is the bomb!\" after trying a Snickers bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says \"I can't find any milk for my coffee\"The second says \"in space, no-one can. Here, use cream\"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why Amazon bought Whole Foods Jeff Bezos: Alexa buy olives from Whole FoodsAlexa: Buying all of Whole FoodsJeff: No Olives... Meh I can afford it go ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan? Because of the Taliban(say it out loud)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't believe everything you read in public toilets Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Marowak say to Cubone during her dying breath? Marowak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the saxophone player have to go to anger management? He had a bad ALTOtude problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms. I thought they weren't open till Monday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles She said 'hardback?' So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a conspiracy theorist's favorite track and field event? Sheeplechase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hutterite Jokes How did the Hutterite man find his daughter in the woods?Quite satisfyingWhat do you call the sweat between two hutterites having sex?relative humidity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put the punchline to this on top of a Conifer tree. If you don't get it, joke's on yew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a million dollars as a bicycle shop owner? Start with two million."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who wanted a brain transplant? They had to change his mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I often get asked what it's like to work as both a writer and a scammer... I just say that it has its own Prose and Cons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Obvious media bias Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the Opticians today and at the end she asked if I was married or in a relationship... I said \"yes I am, why?\"She said \"Well your eyes are fine but your girlfriend needs to come in for a checkup ASAP!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need. 2B or not 2B, that is the question."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a professional fisherman and a teenage boy? One’s a master baiter, the other’s a masturbator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old sone impressed me today. He asked me \"What is the brownist number?\" What is the brownist number?Number 2.He has tried for months to come up with something original. Usually, they just don't make sense, or just aren't funny. This was the first time he had an original I cracked up at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you hang your diplomas on the refrigerator? Because a refrigerator shouldn’t have too many degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise... It sounded like someone was using a eraser.  He walks towards a grave and it gets louder.  So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says \"Mozart what are you doing!\"  Then Mozart says \"I'm decomposing\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Too many Targets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I overlayed some dubstep to my favorite video of a clumsy fisherman I synced them up to when they drop the bass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband asked his wife: Honey,what do you do after we have fight?The wife replied: I go clean the toiletHusband was all confused and asks her: But why?She says: Because I do it with your toothbrush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a million dollars as a bicycle shop owner? Start with two million."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL Out of boredom and to create more band chemistry early in their careers, the Ramones used to go on single's cruises together around New York harbour looking to pick up chicks. They wanted to be sea dated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water? I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Good friends are like fine wine That's why I keep mine locked in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date. Mr. T: Here's your girl. Ninja Turtles: who is she?Mr T: Its April, fools.Also, I'm sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo only wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir,We’re writing to you  because you’ve violated copyright ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the cop's wife not allow him to turn the tv off? Because he shoots at it every time the screen turns black."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer. She was killed... by a giant crab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We need to re-evaluate our use of the word 'Legendary.' We used to Say it of the person that pulled the sword from the stone. Now we say it about whoever can find the Doritos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do skeletons know what is about to happen? They can feel it in their bones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do mummy and daddy ghosts take their babies during the day? Day scare."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down.So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him? Doctor: They Are For You.!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt. That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of course JFK was a Rick and Morty fan. His brain was so big that it covered an entire car, after all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cake joke for cake day: What did the cake say to the fork? Do you want a piece of me?!Happy cake day to me :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above. It's my new year's resolution."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I first got a haircut, I thought it was way too short, But it's really growing on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I'm sad I cut myself A slice of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's masturbation called in the star wars universe? Hand Solo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People call me Ruthless... ever since my grandma died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pirates get some crazy deals in the mall. For example, they can get piercings for just a buccaneer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is always surprised to see you? Ohio"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gives me head every Monday. She won't let any of Sunday's roast chicken go to waste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality? Don’t ask Donatello"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says... I will grind you and I will grill you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters But those letters aren’t silent.They’re just waiting their turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”. 2020: “lol”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "pancakes Psychiatrist: What brought you here?  Patient: My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.  Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.  Patient: Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a collection of weapons kept for the purpose of burning down buildings? An arsonal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a German Tiger and a Siberian Tiger? One can survive the Winter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why. Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a Russian's favorite month? Soviet march."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Alexa, where's my dad? Alexa-Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.Young Boy-Ha, got ya Alexa ! My Dad is sitting here right next to me.Alexa-Your mothers husband is sitting here right next to you. Your Dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was flirting really well with this woman in the bar. \"Do you want me to show you a good time?\" she asked.\"Of course, babe,\" I grinned eagerly.\"Get your stopwatch out then,\" she snapped, \"and see how long it takes me to get to the other side of the club.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out? A molar mass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother always said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. She was a lovely and generous woman, but a terrible surgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just gave all my life savings to the San Andreas foundation. You might say I’m generous to a fault."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My iPhone was stolen today... ...I hope the thief will face time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a coin is fresh? You can still smell the mint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Batman : You idiot Robin. You don't have to pee in the hall. There is a bathroom you stupid. Robin : Sorry. What is a hroom.?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans. Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five. Of course i left him hanging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a bedtime story to an orange once. I call that pulp fiction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know Marines eat crayons, but what's their favorite flavor of crayon? Crayonberry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it was a mistake to call childbirth “delivery”. It should have been called “takeout” instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space. Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch was going through her recent order of newts... ... when her apprentice walked in. Noticing the witches frowning face, she asks “What’s wrong, Master?”The witch replied, “Well, I’ve got some good newts and some bad newts...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman arrested 2 boys yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: \"Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?\" The man replies: \"I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out.\"The woman blushes and asks: \"What do you think now?\"The man says: \"I think, I did a pretty good job with that.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "At an AC/DC concert... Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock?  Crowd: YESSSSSS  Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it... AlGoreRythyms"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails? Es Cargo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since COVID-19, I have the body of a 50 year old, the brain of a 40 year old and the heart of a 25 year old. All tucked away nicely in my freezer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve... ....that would be a reservation reservation reservation -credit to Brian Regan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hillary says it's time to have a woman in the Oval Office. Bill says - been there, done that ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the new reality tv show called “Embarrassing Bodies”. Three, to be exact."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Strippers don't use air conditioners... Only fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago. Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world‘s leading supplier of bullshit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts wear to see better? Spooktacles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the restaurant on the moon get bad reviews? It has no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why can't you ever run through a campsite? A: You can only ran - it's always past tents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that's been working out? Dude's shredded"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines? Because of the tally ban"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the kale farmer say to the meat farmer? Hi.(Original joke from my 10-year-old son)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't think I'm well-suited for this job as a newspaper editor. Even my blood is a Type O!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always tip my waiter. He always looks so surprised when he hits the floor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An employee at an American weapons manufacturer spots a bear in a conference room... \"Is this a set-up for a Second Amendment joke?\"Another employee : \"What? No. That's our new yoga instructor.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the clam that could play violin? It had excellent mussel memory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see the show about metal fasteners? It was riveting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked out my crush in school today Now I gotta look for a new job"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Hydrogen finally admitted to Sodium that she had been bonding with Oxygen Sodium reacted violently."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 guys break down in the middle of the desert The first one says he'll take the hood to use as shade.The second one says he'll take the radiator because he can drink the water left in it.The third guy says he'll take the door so if he gets hot he can roll the window down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My asian aunt's quiet daughter is called Nosai Hai.I think thats a great shy niece name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pickle say to the lemon? I relish our time togetherI'll see myself out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rabbi, a priest, and a black guy are on an airplane... The plane is full of kids but only has 2 parachutes. The black guy grabs one and bails immediately.Rabbi: Give me the last parachute!Priest: But what about the kids?Rabbi: FUCK THE KIDS!Priest: Do we have time?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a loaf of bread with 1500 horsepower? A Baguetti"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll never forget on the last day of vacation when the front desk dialed our room. That was a real wake-up call."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?” I said, “That’s for tomorrow.”My wife: Huh?Me: It’s Black Fry Day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 knights walk into a bar with their swords. The bartender sees them walk in and asks, “why are you taking your swords in here with you?”The knights say, “in case of mimics.”The knights laugh, the bartender laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep… \\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…\\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal. \\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Cinderella say while reading Biology? I hate Mitosis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more... The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.—————————————————————*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the library... Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to live with a closet-gay roommate. Then one day I unlocked his chains and he ran away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark Otherwise you might tell someone \"your daughter is having their first question mark.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in \"The Crown\"? She probably gets royalties"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw 2 kids beating up a kid in an alleyway, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend works at a rubber dog-poop factory. He'll never get rich, but he makes doo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of the most popular French knight? Sir Ender."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How's y'all's summer bods looking? Mines looking like I have a great personality."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album The guy behind the counter says \"I'm sorry, it's out of stock.\"Darth Vader  shakes his head and says \"I find your lack of Faith disturbing...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like she was special... ...so I got her a helmet and a box of crayons!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You've heard the expression 'tit for tat'? Well I've got more than enough [tat](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/tat). Anyone know where to go to trade it in for my reward?^Edit: ^was ^not ^aware ^'tat' ^was ^a ^British ^term, ^sorry ^America"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans The host comes up to him and asks, \"What are you supposed to be?\"\"I'm a premature ejaculation,\" he responds.\"I don't understand.\"\"Oh, I just came in my pants.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard the Mint stopped making coins... It just doesn’t make cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local prison started a program where inmates get together once a week to read poetry they're calling it \"Prose and Cons\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Bob’s my nickname.. Then Robert’s my Nicholasname"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class. I've never run so far in my life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why wife woke me this morning and said I'm half the size of Chris Evans. I think she's confused, because I'm definitely not 3 feet tall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a heated discussion with an art historian yesterday We disagreed on whether I ordered curly fries or mozzarella sticks with my burger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Queen go to the dentist? to protect her crown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was playing air drums to AC/DC the other day when I dropped my stick... ...had to switch to Def Leopard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an epileptic guy preparing oysters and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are some things I can't get a grip on. And that's why I stick to handles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles I told him they wouldn't make any scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but I hear they deal with alot of pricks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying dinosaur that uses its hands to see? A tactiledactyl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sat at the cafe today. No cellphone.No tablet.No laptop.I just sat there.Drinking coffee.Like a Psychopath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I ask my dad if he's all right he replies, No, I'm half left.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clark: \"I'll have a coke.\" Flight attendant: \"Do you want that in the can?\" Clark: \"No, I'll have it right here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lamb, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff Baaah dummm tssssssss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Conversation between me and my wife during stay home period. Her: Would you like anything to eat for dinner?  Me: What are my choices?  Her: “Yes” or “No”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year? He has Santabodies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think the hardest thing I've ever had to come to grips with is the fact that I'll never be witty. Well, that and my penis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Not mine) A man in a trench coat walks up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench He opens up his coat at them, the first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, the third old lady absolutely refused to touch it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If one's a person, two's a couple, and three's a crowd, what's four and five? Nine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Earlier I saw someone throwing Stephen King books at people. I asked why they were doing that... Then IT hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do folks in Kentucky do when their car breaks down? Build a house next to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ant name its middle segment \"Stormbreaker\"? Because that was its Thor axe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was gleefully telling me about how the cost to replace her many responsibilities is $100k/year Boy you should have seen her face though when I sent her an invoice for replacing the shower head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog just lazes around the house waiting for his next meal to be delivered. He's a Door Dash Hound"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother does unspeakable things at the beach. She sells sea-shells on the seashore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Milk did it, but Tropicana wouldn't put missing children posters on their bottles. They said nobody wanted to hear that OJ is looking for kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures! I’m getting a woody....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats in common with spinach soup and butts3x ? If you were forced to try it as a kid chances are you won't like it as an adult"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a snowman is gay? The carrot’s in the back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: In light of Hurricane Michael, remember to always look out for yourself. As they say: There's no 'I' in Team... But there is an Eye in Hurricane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Surfer saves shark by punching wife in New South Wales. Beg your pardon. Let me read that again..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oi what do you reckon is a Nazis favorite shark? The Great White, mate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a bipolar Star Trek fan. I just went to the hospital to have my dilithium level checked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family. I answered \" No they all seem to enjoy it\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? \"internyet!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of the modern art exhibit I was working at... Apparently the correct term is \"crime scene.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle is like a good love story Very touching"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a shark that slaps the hell out of people instead of eating them? A manyeeter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate being locked inside a microwave It really makes my blood boil"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor says to a lawyer \"There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork\" The lawyer responds \"And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off? Not waking up to pee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered... that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an NCO in the Space Force? A stargeant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother in law began to address the elephant in the room I asked her why she was talking to herself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. \"I hope you win\" was not the correct response."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of mint do anarchists hate? Governmint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Good thing I had a CVS receipt in my wallet... The men’s room was out of toilet paper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is England the wettest country? Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you breed a pit bull with a shih tzu? Yiff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state. Denial."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I look forward to hearing Michelle Obama's speech again. At the 2020 RNC."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins? They strung him up, but he didn't fret.*Cogwheel takes a bow*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. **That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I've stopped counting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In what California city did the Flintstones’ family pet forget to apply his sunblock? Sunburnadino"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was Hitler’s favorite building game? MeinKraft !!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I worked in a helium factory I resigned after a week, I wasn't going to be spoken to like that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are: 1) Stop writing lists.\nB) Be more consistent. \n7) Learn to count."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't tuna fish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie is $50 in Jamaica and $00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Al Qaeda's favourite football team?? New York Jets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hooked up with a GILF We get to her place she said she didn't need a safe word. If anything went wrong just hit her LifeAlert  button"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A male kangaroo told me to get off my phone Ok boomer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crossing the border the customs officer asked me I had any drugs or firearms, to which I responded... ...what do you need?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.” She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the BuzzFeed employee who peed on an exposed wire? Number 1 shocked him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two students were talking about their childhood. I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk.\"\"You call that clever?\" the other said. \"I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy: \"WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?\" Waiter: \"Thats the soup sir\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't women be writers? They're afraid of periods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends dragged me to an elephant boxing match the other day... ... I had a terrible time. It was impossible to tell the fighters apart; they both had gray trunks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events. They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Local sausage restaurant starts a YouTube channel... Links in the description."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a house without numbers? Something that needs addressed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do with dead elements? You barium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats in common with spinach soup and butts3x ? If you were forced to try it as a kid chances are you won't like it as an adult"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad. I said, \"Na. Pretty sure it is OK.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him “Hey what’s all that in your pocket?” He says “It’s tennis balls” They guy says “Well, if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?” The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed... \"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke my Grandmother told me today. So a termite walks into a bar.  He sits down on one of the stools and asks the man behind the counter “Is the bar tender here?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a film director that has crabs? Alfred Itchcock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wandering through the cemetery earlier today when I saw a guy kneeling behind a gravestone Trying to be polite, I said “Morning.”To which he replied “Nope just taking a shit.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an argument you have while you're high? Grass fed beef.BTW I came up with this myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Communists jokes on internet aren't memes They're ourours"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework. He comes upon a question: \"What separates the head from the body?\"Ahmed answers: \"The axe\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my patients forgot their stool sample today I guess some people just don’t give a shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Milk did it, but Tropicana wouldn't put missing children posters on their bottles. They said nobody wanted to hear that OJ is looking for kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I said to my wife “You are my drug” She said:  “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”I replied:  “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Transformer that turns into a stroller? Optimus Pram."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: A man was presented into the ER after shoving 6 plastic horses up his ass... Doctors say that his condition is stable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds? I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me \"just a minute\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Good News: I landed a job at Dreamworks thanks to the Bumblr app's networking feature The Bad News: I'm working on the Bee Movie 2."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher : \"Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?\" Student : \"Brotherly love\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm down to eating only one meal per day. It's 56 courses and it takes me two days to finish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do make a chickpea soup? You can’t. The closest you can hope for is for her to have diarrhea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl went to confession. Girl: I think I am pregnant.Priest: How did this happen my child.?Girl: I think it might have been the second coming.Priest: What makes you think it's the second coming.?Girl: Because I swallowed the first one father."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly... but now I'm losing Steam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's better than flowers on your piano? Tulips on your organ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you recommend a book to a social media user? Because they have probably already Reddit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job She probably shouldn’t have been driving"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to help my pet snail. He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ducks make great detectives? They always quack the case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often. But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry? Because calcium helps build trombones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business. I Am Grout"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank Shit went down real fast"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup ... And shit out a statement smarter than the one you just made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"I'll serve you, but don't start anything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do monsters love writing books in a cemetery? Because they have great plots."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards. Me: ...And?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My spirit animal is a bull Because, I too, charge head first into red flags"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accedentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bad at golf? Join the club."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a squash that can't get married? Cant elope"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a guy if he could do an imitation of a pheasant. He said, \"Sure, I'm game!\"And that, Your Honour, is why I shot him.Credit to u/Bradders_Extreme123 ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ancient Roman weatherman say when his emperor asked for a forecast? \"Hail, Caesar\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative. I told him I was positive.  He told me to stay home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine finally started watching Doctor Who, after years of not even knowing what the show is about It’s about time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kids these days have no idea how good it was growing up in the 90s! (born on December 31st, 1999)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night \"I think there is somebody downstairs\" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room.. Then I realized I wasn't married...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pile of coins in the rain? Climate change"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering. The host said, \"This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my dog to the water park, Staff said it went against regulation, but... This time they'd let it slide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution..... There's going to be hell toupee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger, and the Trix Rabbit were found dead recently The police concluded that this is the work of a Cereal Killer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a way to solve the Gif vs Jif debate. Just pray to Jod and Gesus for resolution."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is a lonely twig like a piece of cling wrap? He can only stick to himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's friend had a baby... She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented \"Aww, what a little angle.\" I replied to my wife's comment \"Ya, she's pretty acute.\"I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to return this. It’s unused. Clerk: Sir, this is your diploma. Me: Cash is fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Blow Job A son runs up to his father and says dad I got my first blow job. The dad says that's great how was it? The son said it tasted terrible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19? Because he has Santa-bodies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a kid I was told that, \"Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.\" Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, \"..help control the pet population.\"I was raised to listen to my elders..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the Japanese hate Christmas? Because the last time a Fat Man came to town, they lost half their population."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love going to the beach, having a seat, and pull sand up to my crotch Makes the crabs feel more at home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out? Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved… …but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery: What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle? When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning I acidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. \nShe slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” \n The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn't matter”' she said. “Just get out.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc. Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker. He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Analbumcover If you read this the same way I did, we can be friends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs? He's a Pabst-ist.Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace I said \"Look at that escargot!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together. I figured if you can't beat them, join them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the famous writer who turned out to be a fraud? His life had its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the selective Ghost only haunt Bars and Pubs..? ... He's addicted to Boos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the Afghanistan withdrawal method? It's when you pull out too late so you lose almost two decades of your life and most of your money"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calendar say after Tuesday? WTF"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when two dinosaurs run into each other? A Jurassic jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space. Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What town should a \"mountain oyster\" festival be held in? Oxnard, CA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing. Et al."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think turtles live longer than humans because... they live a shell-tered life?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time? She turned her car into a tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My idea of holding a summer vacation school to help kids with severe ADHD failed. Do you think it's because I called it a \"Concentration Camp?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?” Chicken sees a salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most beautiful Italian flower? The Spaghett-me-not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cuddly toys never eat? Because they are stuffed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son swallowed several coins the other day. I've definitely seen some change in him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!”                   My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence. For example:Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to repaint my room a shade of white... ...but I can't decide between \"eggshell\", \"beige\", or \"2016 Oscars\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that Tibetan leaders can issue special forgiveness to buxom country music singers It's known as the Dalai Pardon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution..... There's going to be hell toupee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit? It was a big cat-astrophe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a Russian's favorite month? Soviet march."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a row of dolls burning on a grill? Barbie Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the petrol station to pump up my car tyre... and the guy charged me 50p. I said “it was only 20p last week”. He said “that’s the price of inflation”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "an old arabic joke my uncle told me a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospitalthe doctor told him: \"just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury\"he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Among Us so popular in China? Because its the only thing that lets them vote"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s black and white and red all over? A bloody newspaper inn’it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do clowns store files? They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the oval office is full of money? There's a wad of bill's under the desk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Caesar salad walks in to a bar A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Taxes and Texas? Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In honor of the other math joke I saw on the front page A mountain climber is climbing a mountain from the bottom along it’s only path. A mosquito starts at the top and follows the path downwards. Where do the two meet?Nowhere. You can’t cross a scalar and a vector."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"NSFW\" Peter Paul took Peppermint Patty behind the Powerhouse and stuck his Butterfinger up her Cherry Bing. She let out a Snicker.Nine Mounds later she had a Baby Ruth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide. They used to, but the decent ones were never returned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy makes spelling errors so often it's in his blood. He's typo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people? Just switch off the light!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February. I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the castle cut the grass It was already moat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband on second day of marriage... ...goes to the beautician who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100. Husband smiled and said' same feeling '"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness. I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum \"what's wrong with dad?\" \"He's going through a rough patch\" she said..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "11:45 Arrive at the crime scene 11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle  11:45 Found murder weapon in storm drain 11:45 Realize watch is broken"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight 6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What town should a \"mountain oyster\" festival be held in? Oxnard, CA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test? With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole, But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards. It’s because I’m Ruthless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's something you can say in church but also in bed John 6:9"}
{"character": "random", "line": "According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles he's also worked with alligators too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anal swabs are made compulsory for all international travellers to China. This is in line with their \"China first\" policy. First China enters you, then you enter China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s long and hard, and hairy at one end? A toothbrush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of Aircraft is into Men and Women? A Biplane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house. It was fu***ng delicious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I write this I'm trying to assemble bicycle wheels using quite a complex process. Damn, I spoke too soon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman sees a beat-up man lying on the street He asks: ,,Were you assaulted?\",,Yeah, I was.\",,Can you tell me what the assailant looked like?\",,Yes, I told him that right before he punched me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What drug do French people use to get high? Oui’d"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my therapist said time heals all wounds so I stabed him and now we wait"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Alphabet Soup? More like Times New Ramen, amirite?(Not OC, but one of my favorite one-liners and haven’t seen it posted in this sub)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken Jack O'Lantern? Use a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer always play \"Someone Like You?\" It was a Dell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A Mars bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I am a writer!\" - \"And already sold something?\" \"Yes, my house and my car.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The air in California is so toxic I think I might date it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A leopard can carry something twice it's weight up a tree, While a cougar can take something half her age into bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We now have a goat in our bedroom. 'But what about the smell?''I think the animal will get used to it.'(Hope that works in English too.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the famous writer who turned out to be a fraud? His life had its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Billy: \"Your mare - what breed is it?\" Jack: \"No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. \" \"Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?\" \"Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime.\" \"Tsk tsk tsk...  a nightmare.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy is having a check up at the doctor's... \"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?\"\"I doubt it\" sais the doctor shaking his head \"Mercury is in  Uranus right now\"\"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc\"\"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fell asleep at the mall today... I was counting customers leaving the Apple store"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar but you can't \"tuna\"fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it? To put all its nuclear fission."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump? T hanks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a loaf of bread and he'll eat for a week Give that same man a fishing pole and he'll die of internal bleeding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Madam, we brought your husband. He is very drunk,every time we lifted him he fell again. Wtf, where is his wheelchair?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would be the best name for a sitcom set in Afghanistan? Minefeld."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts He now makes me pay in advance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I hated her side of the family I said, \"That's not true, I like your mother-in-law more than mine\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a Hispanic man that I was trying to come up with a term that would describe low resolution video He suggested “poor k”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am the breadwinner of the family I make the most dough"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party. His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor.  She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does China always drive on the left they don’t have rights"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a box of viagra pills? An expansion pack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dyslexic kid push his brother out of the window? He wanted to see Tim fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. **That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting. I think I am understanding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand? Quattro Cinco."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We lost power at work today due to someone hitting a transformer. I never heard if it was a Decepticon or an Autobot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You are under arrest Police: You are under arrest!   Me: Why?   Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.   Me: Did you say six?   Police: that is correct, six!   Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's one form of communication God will never use to speak with you? Fax"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ate some Fiber One brownies That shit was amazing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of jokes do turtles like? Shell-arious ones.(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snowman that plays piano? Meltin' John"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what really takes guts? Digestion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Dunkin Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box.... ...I've been banned for life from that shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read a book about Oedipus and Midas. It was mother fucking gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know Marines eat crayons, but what's their favorite flavor of crayon? Crayonberry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out about the second meaning of BBC.... Who cares about British television?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I got bitten in the park by a huge dog Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small childMe: I could have fought off a small child, Alice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What surprise did the artist give to the nun? Unsolicited diptychs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Air Force is the most patriotic branch of the military Cuz they USAF"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half the living population on Earth. Then I snapped out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like making self-deprecating jokes. You should know, they are not that great."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last time I went fishing I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don't quite remember the rest of the day. All I really know is that I pulled a mussel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was Iran called before it was formed in 1979? Running."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nic Cage went through such a hassle to find a national treasure. When all he had to do was look in a the mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money. I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, \"You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking.\" \"Now settle down,\" the doctor calmly told him. \"You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Phoebe: \"Do you guys know any chicks?\" Chandler: \"Fowl? No. Women? No.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the vampire race finish? Neck and neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a part in my game where a plane was supposed to fly through but it froze in mid-air because of bad connection. I guess you could call that Jet Lag."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently some people on Tumblr say they're sexually attracted to elements on the periodic table. That's not really my thing ... except for that time in college when I experimented with carbon dating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter. I call it inter-mitten fasting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up? Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:Edit2: More birds again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the motorcycles get in the carpool? Because they didn't have trunks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's common between a bungee jumper and a hooker? If the rubber snaps, you're screwed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best state to grow vegetables in? Okra-homa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument... ...you become a comedian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guys, I just read something on the internet saying that Albert Einstein may not have existed! Turns out he's just a theoretical physicist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never seen a cross dresser. But I've seen some very irritated credenzas,"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was. The end result was a tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Pink Panther say when he got to the cul-de-sac? Dead end. Dead end.Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kebab prepared by a librarian? A shush-kebab"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife hates the fact that we never have visitors. I never would have guest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard They misheard the words *serene dijon*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said. So I gather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England. We call him Sir Gen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I dreamt I was eating a 15 pound marshmallow… I woke up this morning and I couldn’t find my pillow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What color is a mirror? It depends who you ask"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons? One is eight nights while the other ate knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dinosaurs like sushi? Because they like their food ROAR!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I'm covered in glue and that was a mistake? I thought I was supposed to shelter in paste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl For instance ;My name Address and phone number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a Casey Anthony joke...But... My mom would kill me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nsfw A surprise for dinner My wife asked what I'd like to have for dinner when I got home from work. I told her to surprise me. She said \"I'm sleeping with your sister.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer? Depends what you smoke.(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ok, this one is a bit tasteless. So proceed with caution. Water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Bill to ban shark fin harvesting\", and \"Bill to increase minimum wage\" and \"Bill to help ease the burden of Vets\"...with all these good things happening, it makes me wonder... ...why did he wait so long?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the person who spent over £1 million in the perfume shop? They had more money than scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they beat the room for being black."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the Chicago Cubs Thanks, you've doomed us all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. Operator: \"Great! Can you drive a truck?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of makeup does a sad clown wear? Frowndation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60... ...She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night. Lettuce be seen without dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm tired of explaining to my spiritual Guru how E-mails work. He can't just understand what attachments are!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crop do metalheads grow? Korn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently Stormy Daniels was misquoted, and what she actually said was that Trump's junk looked like A Little Potato. You know... A little *dick-tater*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy .>!gf is prego!<>!we like to get kinky anyways!<>!one night things get particularly saucy!<>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do brass instruments have huge holes at the front of them? So you can have sax with them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when you’re milking a cow, and the milk goes everywhere but in the bucket? Udder chaos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An angry customers walks back in a donut shop. He says to the worker:\"Why isn't my donut glazed?!The worker respond:\"Look sir, i'm not going to sugar coat it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane It was my phyto-flight response"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, Reddit! Here's one about cats: why did the mother cat move her kittens? She didn't want to litter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call your grandma's number on speed dial? Instagram."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I'm eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a freshly fallen tree? Die Hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the wheel invented? In Tyre"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new job at the prison library It has its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave. It’s “The Cologne Wars.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This sentence contains exactly threeee erors. The third error? The fact that there are only two errors. The fourth error? Running this gag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where is the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? (Worst joke ever) The Galley!Everything but the kitchen sinks.^(I warned you)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We need to re-evaluate our use of the word 'Legendary.' We used to Say it of the person that pulled the sword from the stone. Now we say it about whoever can find the Doritos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”. I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Santa’s favorite type of music? Wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I invented a new beef and vegetable recipe, but it wasn't so great... It was meaty-okra."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It wasn’t much fun breaking my neck and being in a cast.. But now I can look back and laugh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan... ...someone is going to be wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: Damnit! The forecast shows up to 5 inches of snow!! Wife: If I don’t complain about a few inches, neither should you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage is like a workshop; the husband works very hard And the wife shops very hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I prepared a surprise dinner for my GF to teach her about different kind of spices She doesn't know what's cumin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two potato farmers are in a field One of them reaches down with both hands and pulls up two of the biggest potatoes they have ever scene. The other farmer says \"Wow! Those potatoes look just like my balls.\" \"That big?\" Asks the farmer. \"No, just that dirty.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished my first shift at a can crushing factory. It was soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark Otherwise you might tell someone \"your daughter is having their first question mark.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a library full of fake news? A lie-brary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do? \"Because fuck u that's why.\" -- George Washington, Revolutionary War"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom..... Until they are flashing behind you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an ambulance and a pizza delivery driver have in common If either of them shows up late the delivery goes cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra. My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are wires addicted to electricity? They can't resist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I went into the park today and I saw a homeless man sitting on the wishing well with his pants down to his ankles. Well shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound would Gordon Ramsay make if he were a dinosaur? ITS FUCKING RAW!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad cooks dinner. He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . . He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an ambulance \"can you describe the snake that bit you?\"Me: \"yes,  it was like an angry rope\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked into a pet shop. I said, \"I want to return this bird cage. My girlfriend's parrot is dead. Choked to death.\"He said, \"Have you got the receipt?\"I said, \"No.\"He said, \"Why not? We need proof that you paid for it.\"I said, \"The parrot ate it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the US government use to kill flies? They use a S.W.A.T team"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dragon with no silver? a dron. dr**ag**on (science joke)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example: \"Fishing stick\" instead of \"Fishing rod\"\"Tropical tree\" instead of \"Palm tree\"\"Ant-licker\" instead of \"Uncle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a ghost say when he doesn’t believe you? Ghoulshit!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today... In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:\\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?\\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.\\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!\\- Ah, this must be outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just found out they have opened a new library in my town... They kept that quiet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rock climbing rabbi? Mountain Jew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator” I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crayons are just like M&Ms.... They taste the same no matter what colour they are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together? [Banned]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best New Year's resolution? 1080p or 4k."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971) It's like there's no tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress? Magnets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy : My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lot of people don't like Mondays But 48 hours ago was a sadder day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what’s really worth its weight in gold? Gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? Oh my toe sis!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: When did they find water on the moon? A: When it was waning!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the man fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't working with enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do flamingoes life one leg up? If they lifted both they'd fall."}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a Pirate's favorite programming language? Python. It's really readable and flexible, and has great scientific packages, so most people are pretty fond of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me I said I never met herbivore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man came up to me in the park. \"Excuse me,\" he said, leaning on the bench, \"have you seen a dog with five legs?\"\"A dog with five legs?\" I laughed. \"Don't be daft, dogs only have four.\"He sighed.Then hopped off, shouting, \"Has anyone seen my prosthetic limb?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar \"Who the fuck painted my whole motorcycle pink??\"A 2m tall muscular guy gets up from the table: \"Me, why?\"\"Nothing, paint is dry and it's time for the second coat\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy. I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can't they hear the music?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my grandpa told me a story... He told me that back in his day, he would walk into the store with a nickel, and come out with 4 cans of soda, 2 king sized candy bars, and a pack of gum.But today there are too many damn cameras!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Oxygen molecule go sees a doctor \"Doc, Im suffering from terrible cramps\" says the Oxygen Molecule.\"That's an easy fix,\" says the doctor, \"Just eat some Potassium and you'll be OK!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sorry for the spelling/grammer mistakes My first language is English."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 is the most popular year on the internet. It went viral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a little kid, I thought \"This little piggy went to market.\" meant it went shopping. It does not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do girls tend to make a big deal out of things when they are on their period? Because they are ovary acting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison? Yeah, Gilbert got freed.(I apologize to Gilbert.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dated a surgeon who turned out to be a kleptomaniac, she stole my heart.. ... and kidney."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal. >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!<  >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Let!< >!You!< >... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) A worm crawls out of a plate of spaghetti and says “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my diploma from my Skydiving class. I had to repeatedly drop out to graduate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination? HAND EYEEE-E-EYE"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks It cost me an arm and a leg!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My university is so concerned about the environment.. They've been recycling past papers since 87'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That she was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer... I guess she'll have to flip a coin....Heads or Tales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a 300 pounds gorilla sit? Where he wants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... \"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!\"The guy at the counter said \"Your stance is too wide\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two things I learned from online dating geography and disappointment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter! She's my Japaniece.Edit: guys, I see my mistake.Shiiit. Well imma leave now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I swallow two pieces of string, they will come out the other end tied together. I shit you knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man” Until I walked in on him banging the maid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pope: paint me a beautiful art on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and I will reward your work with exposure. **Michaelangelo:** uhh sure sir, I will paint you a beautiful ceiling sir.**Also Michaelangelo, mildly infuriated:** gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick's out talking bout reward with exposure. Fuck you. Pay me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the Clam make new friends? It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joe Biden walks into a bar and sees a pretty, young blonde chick. He sits down next to her and says \"So, do I come here often?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "New Zelda game, starring just the princess, that ties all the story lines together... \"The Missing Link\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young everybody believed in me The doctor saw in me a potential physician The teacher saw in me a potential professor The chef saw in me a potential cook The priest saw in me a potential partner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get:- your wife back- your house back- your truck back- your dog back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow? Because it’s In defence of bull!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine Calcium and Iron? A cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How far is Mars from Earth? A few CVS receipts away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider? It's called Shallot's Web"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink. Liberty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes. I am a surgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3D printers are now printing guns... That’s nothing though.  I’ve had a Canon printer for years."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a family of Mexican-American robots? Tex Mechs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Water is heavier than butane because... Butane is a lighter fluid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem? He was quoted as saying \"I won't stand for this\" on the way out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you use to make an Argument Sandwich? Disagree-dients"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what's the difference between a rapper and a country singer? Country singers keep their hoes in the shed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman: why do you keep beating your wife?? Me: I think it's the weight difference, the longer reach, and superior footwork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the burglar so sensitive? He takes things personally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus... But graphing is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a long, curved potato with a monetized video channel? A professional U-tuber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did God yell out his window when he came up with the idea of a penis? Urethra! I've got it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena! But I'd only make myself a laughing stock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NASA's Perseverance rover on Mars has successfully tested a device that can convert carbon dioxide (98% of Mar's atmosphere) into oxygen and carbon monoxide. Sounds like a great idea, until all the Martians start dying from carbon monoxide poisoning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do people lose their kids in the mall......? Seriously,  any tips would be greatly appreciated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself  It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw \"IT\" last night Far less \"computer networking\" and so much more \"murderous clowning\" than anticipated"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Manuel turned his life around. He used to be sad and lonely.Now he's lonely and sad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm too scared to get tested for Coronavirus So I got the roundabout Coronavirus test.  I call my friend Brian.\"Brian, do you know anyone who has Coronavirus?\"\"No\"\"Cool, cause you know me.\"-Mitch Hedberg sort of"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cook got his hand caught in the dish-washer and they were both fired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population? It’s called Chirpies. What’s most heartbreaking about it is that it’s... untweetable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pasta chef get locked out of his house? He came home from work with gnocchi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an old snowman? Water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the favorite instrument of Stalin? Re-Percussion!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to colonize space? Because of meteor rights"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location, they have reached hash equilibrium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think turtles live longer than humans because... they live a shell-tered life?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think with the recent success of Elon musk’s “not a flamethrower” sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes He could call his first brand Elon’s musk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. \"ROAR!\" he yelled. \"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked.\"T Rex!\"Then he said, \"HONK!\"\"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked with a chuckle.\"Triceratops,\" he said.\"Why does a Triceratops honk?\"And he said, \"Because it has horns!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough. You make me sick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, \"just 5 more centimeters... 5 more centimeters and I could've been the king\" From the door, his wife giggled. \" Just 5 less    centimeters  and you could've been the queen instead\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space? A steroid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland. Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.” She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth... is such a first world problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what... I'm a gril who can't raed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt She felt the same waySo I turned on the air conditioner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Too many Targets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Gates met Arnold Schwarzenegger at a party. He asked him if he had upgraded to Windows 10 yet. Big Arnie replied:Ah still love Vista baby..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote an article about \"The top 10 worst places to stick a fork\"... The 5th one will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder? Endless love."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb. I just can't part with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no nose? Nobody knows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm getting tired of these targeted ads. I just saw one for funeral services ffs! That's the last thing I need!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried making pancakes... But I ended up with flapjacks instead. I guess I used too much synonym"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I headed out before dawn today and braved some insane crowds, to snag some Black Friday deals. The only thing I think I scored was a case of COVID-19."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an unpredictable connection with my tap. It's a hot and cold relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chuck Norris has a bear rug No it's not dead it's just too scared to move"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE) Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Made up my own joke today! Comment what you think: What did the crab get on his report card? I dont know, but it was Under dah C!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a bacon grease burn? Oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics But it's still shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During a severely cold winter long ago, a well-known American poet came up behind me and gnawed on my leg. That was the only time I've ever encountered Frost bite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It used to be free to fill your tires with air now it costs $1.50! Now that's what you call inflation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a horse's number one priority when voting? The stable economy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does Dracula keep his money? A blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A haircut is the biggest waste of money. I pay the same to get them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about. But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vegan lady and a butcher A vegan lady went on a blind date with a man. She asked him what do you do for a living. He said he is a butcher. The lady said \"eww that's grouse\".The butcher replied \"a person who sells vegetables is grocer\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door. \"Lettuce in!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's been 3 murders in the last month and the police are looking for a man with one eye. If they wanted to find him that desperately, you'd think they will use both eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never judge a book by its cover. Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A reporter asked trump what the letter J in Donald.J.Trump stands for ? He replied \" Jenius\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In space, two aliens are talking to each other. The first alien says, \"The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.\"The second alien asks, \"Are they an emerging intelligence?\"The first alien says, \"I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call three Mexicans illegally crossing the border? _Tres_ passers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my wife showed me all about the 50 Shades of Gray. Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What form of birth control works better with holes in it? Crocs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store. You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner It was definitely worth the transaction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.” The tree was stumped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Hitler's girlfriend and a female farmer? One bails her hay and one hails her bae."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When are cooks at their meanest? When they mercilessly beat the eggs and whip the cream!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, COVID makes your sense of hearing and your logic weaker. I mean, have you seen this year's Eurovision!?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Earth get on Earth day ? A birthday quake !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was gonna make a giraffe joke But it's too long"}
{"character": "random", "line": "George and Jeff watches TV George: \"Oh no, that's terrible!\"Jeff: \"What happened?\"George: \"An earthquake! They found 13 dead, and counting!\"Jeff: \"That *is* terrible.\"Jeff: \"I hate counting too.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles. The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John asks out a girl The girl replies: \"Come to my house in the evening, nobody is going to be home.\"In the evening John goes to her house and nobody's home"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I woke up and watched the Religion channel for a change... And there was a man shouting at me on the tv. \"YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS, BUT YOU HAVE ALREADY SINNED TODAY!\". \"But I just woke up, I'm still in bed\", I thought. I rolled over and asked my sister if I had sinned today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot? Get out of my face!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge \"I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight\" The judge responds \"what's she doing\"The guy says \"looking for me\"...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Difference between Jam and Jelly My girlfriend who lives up north, just asked me, “what’s the difference between Jam and Jelly?”I said well Andrea, for one I can’t jelly my dick up your ass!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume... Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who is fluent in 3 languages and marginally conversant in 4th? Pi-Lingual."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good I don’t see any problems now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, \"Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!\" Mods said I'm a cereal reposter..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why? I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is gambling illegal in China Because they hate Tibet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, \"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?\" \"Why do you want to talk to me?\" she asked puzzled. \"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m never getting a massage there again... place rubs me the wrong way."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I get so angry with all the spelling errors on Reddit I feel like people are defiantly doing it on purpose just to mess with me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make a joke about identical frequencies and wave forms. But it really separated the room.I was expecting more coherence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an axe that was once owned by George Washington. My great-great grandfather had to replace the handle.  And my grandfather had to replace the blade, but it's Washington's axe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out people's molars? Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All of my sexual escapades are like a big budget Star Wars movie Solo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do ghosts drive? Boo-gattis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Chinese soup almost falls off a table? Wonton endangerment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If i had nickel for every time a woman thought i was ugly They would find me atractive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a disabled gang member? A crip"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've spend the last 10 years looking for my mother in law's killer... But nobody will do it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's too early for hurricane jokes wait for everything to blow over first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We'll see about that..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an egg roll? Just give it a little push."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the sesame seed get off the hill? It was on a roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want a box for leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would bears be without the letter B? Ears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread... I’m a gluten for punishment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Potatoes are taking over the world... They say it's the rise of the mashines"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out He radios his boss \"Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it\"His boss replies \"Is it ticking?\"\"No, it's turkey and ham.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder. He argued that there was no way he could have done it, as he was in vacation in Prague for the week of the killing. The FBI took note of his travel records and let him go; his alibi czeched out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my birthday, my brother made me pancakes! I told him to stop flattening my fucking birthday cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ghost walks into a bar at 4 am. The bartender says: “sorry, we don’t serve spirits after 3.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what happens when two Samurai got into and argument it might take a while but they will sword things out eventually."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my son I was named after Albert Einstein \"But your name is Brian\", he said.\"Yeah, I know - and I was named *after* Albert Einstein\", you little prick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Driving down a country road I pointed to a flock of cows... Son: Herd of cows, dad.Me: Well of course I've heard of cows, there's a whole flock of them over there!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset. Frankly, it's not her bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boxed In There was a young girl from PeruWho filled her vagina with glue.She said with a grin,“If they pay to get in,They’ll pay to get out of it, too.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss calls me \"The computer\" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noah's wife: the ark is falling apart Noah: glue might work, I have an idea Horse: it's weird he brought 3 of us"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a kid's meal at the McDonald's today. The parents called the manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is reading the onion more useful than reading the Wall Street Journal? Because the Wall Street Journal is about the past, while the Onion is about the future"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die? 00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password? A battering R.A.M."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics? It's haunted by spirits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two hurricanes... The bartender says that'll be $20.20"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did mr and mrs Cow name their calf who they sent away to be slaughtered? Little miss Steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a little joke for the ladies Unfortunately, it's in my underpants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother in law began to address the elephant in the room I asked her why she was talking to herself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument I got band"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much should you spend on a bottle of wine ? I don't know...maybe 15 minutes!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song? What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song?Area Codes by Ludacris"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin? They're afraid of change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What disease goes best with the coronavirus? Lyme disease"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle... ...is for anal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An employee at an American weapons manufacturer spots a bear in a conference room... \"Is this a set-up for a Second Amendment joke?\"Another employee : \"What? No. That's our new yoga instructor.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you don't have a lot of work experience, but you have a lot of ex-girlfriends \"Progressive problem solving skills in an increasingly difficult work environment, with ever increasing productivity goals, only for the company to downsize and lay you off because 'it wasn't you, it was me' reasons.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandma said I she’d knit whatever I want if I pick the yarn... So I bought her some steel wool and asked her to knit me a car"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor is a cougar into BDSM You could say she is into strapping young lads."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love? A swallow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Meghan may face some akward times with the Royal Family at the funeral of Prince Philip But luckily, black is generally accepted at funerals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup Ma-SCARE-ya&nbsp;*^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom? linoleon Blownaparte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery... Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?  Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger woods got in an accident the same reason he lost his last tournament Because of his terrible driving"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Drake gets cocky, he calls me so I can hit him with a one-liner insult to keep him humble... I’m his Hotline Zing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a paranormal inestigator's favorite type of gun? A colt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw 2 kids beating up a kid in an alleyway, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace.\" \"Really? That old chestnut?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So John Travolta's career has been dwindling recently... I guess you could say he fell from Grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t like people who take drugs… For example, airport security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Power Plant that was bad for the environment all year? He got coal for Christmas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We lost power at work today due to someone hitting a transformer. I never heard if it was a Decepticon or an Autobot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you play the drums incorrectly? You get repercussions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When i was your age everything was in black and white. Schools, fountains, bathrooms, everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it's pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to? Plymouth rock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moovies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed? A: It was very sweepy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when Santa runs down someone with his sleigh? A Ho-Ho-Homicide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark Any darker and the police might actually do something about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf. The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a clam fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits one fucks between shits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants”... “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, they’re just talking bollocks”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher He now has a beef with me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, \"Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?\" \"Chilly\", he replies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex is like playing billiards. You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship. We had a real row v. wade debate that day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk was born in South Africa, and made an electric car. What if he had been born in Madagascar? He would have made a gas car"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool. Will you choose the former or the latter?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The teacher asks little Johnny : \"Your dad buys 18 six-packs of beer at $3 a piece, how much is it ?\" \"I'd say about a one week supply, Ma'am !\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, \"Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!\" at the top of your lungs... This will make you the person who calls the shots..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After stopping me, the Policeman asked if I knew why he had pulled me over... Apparently,  \"because you were lonely?\" wasn't the right answer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation. I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success. Apparently, they don't give a shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel is a ground breaking invention, but it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation by storm. However, the invention of the wheel got things rolling... And I’m just here wondering why our feet smell and our nose run..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "French Bottled water French bottled water always makes me Wewe !!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said \"Regarding disposition of my ashes ... I have no burning desires about what you do with them\"(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job She probably shouldn’t have been driving"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s always been a familiar connection I get in the shade of my succulent collection... Aloe darkness, my old friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drax, John Cena, and a ghost are standing in a bar. Oh, sorry. Correction:      ,         , and a      are standing in a bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think I thought of a great joke about yoga But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegans are in an argument, is it still called a beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife makes a great stew Really gonna miss her though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the way to a woman's vagina? Oh sorry, I thought this was /r/AskReddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The scariest punchline to a long-running joke: \"Welcome to the Oval Office, President Trump!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does me and NASA have in common We both want to colonize Uranus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people start their statement with “well for starters” and then never talk about the main course or the dessert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This building is so tall, that if you jumped off the roof... You would die of old age."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an Irish seven course meal? a six pack and a bag of chips"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call unemployed Bob the builder? Bob"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once knew this guy who hated all high-range intruments. He was a huge bassist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im worried for my calender. its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So this dude is like, \"Where are you going with all that Element 83?\" and I was like \"None of your bismuth\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favourite element? The element of surprise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history Edit: Holy shit this blew up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife bought a talking parrot, but returned it to the pet store a week later. “This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.“I haven’t had a fucking chance to!” Replied the parrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency I mean it's just common cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform? in the audit-orium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming, Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't racoons ever get COVID? They always wearing a mask and washing  their hands.  This is my first dad joke!  Hopefully my last."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter Isn't that nuts?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stoner thought of the day: Each time you light your lighter. Your lighter gets lighter..     ... Until your lighter gets so lighter it wont light again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people? None of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just invented a car that runs on herbs... I think I invented thyme travel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the definition of torque? When you have to piss with morning wood, you push your dick down so hard that your feet fly out from under you. That's torque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate sphynx cats because I prefer hairy pussy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are farmers always the best husbands? They always produce the best seeds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons... Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What form of birth control works better with holes in it? Crocs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says \"What are you supposed to be?\"The guy replies \"I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays. He was the original trip advisor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery. It was like a huge weight off his chest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college? A Graduated cylinder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the invisible man turn down his job? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I got out of the bathroom. Spoke to a friend saying \" I can't believe thier still together after that shit.\"My friend said \"Who\"And I responded \"My ass cheeks\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the bakery burned down? Their business was toast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Observational humor isn't funny See?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor? Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit.Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never get into arguments with ballerinas they always have a strong point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a long, hard, mouthful that a Polish woman gets on her wedding night? A Polish surname"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the soldier blow himself up when he found out about exploding devices He wanted to C4 himself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Common English Mistakes Common English Mistakes-mixing up there, their, and they're-using the wrong too, to, or two-putting commas in the wrong place-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches-using apostrophes for plurals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a crayon go on vacation? Color-ado. My seven year old just told me this one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Beach Boys walk into a bar \"Round?\"\"Round?\"\"Get a round\"\"I get a round?\"\"Get a round...\"\"Fuck off\" said the bababa bababarman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Orange! Orange who? Orange you glad I lost the election?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. \"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!\" the doc says. \"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?\" the woman replies thrilled. Doc says, \"No, you've got bowel cancer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry? Because calcium helps build trombones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch? I didn't mean to turn you on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A digital pirate lost his leg. He now has a JPEG leg to replace it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Russian IT specialist? Mr. Switchitonanov"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Restaurant owner warns his employee: \"one must open oysters carefully\"... The employee answers: \"no shucking fit!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist... I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend from Prague finally got his US citizenship approved. He is now a cancelled Czech!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast. The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.  It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't there any Walmarts in Iraq? Because there's a target on every corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man goes to the cardiologist \"So, how many beers do you have per day?\" the cardiologist asked.\"Four,\" the man responded.\"But last time I said you could only have two!\"\"Yes, but my physician also said I could have two.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month. It’s nothing but period drama."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm.... It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher? He brings out the wurst in them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins... I call it 'Baptismal Font.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chick asked me for a meal I told her i don't serve food."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an argument you have while you're high? Grass fed beef.BTW I came up with this myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This chick was beautiful so I asked her if she was a cop Because she took my breath away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cows walk into a barn \"man i hate this farm\", said the first one.\"mood\", mooed the second cow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of that brothel by the port? I believe it's called \"The Land Ho!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you're looking for honest relationship please call this number. If my wife answers, just hang-up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m like that one stray stream of water from the shower head... The people who turn me on hate me the most."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool. Will you choose the former or the latter?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator” I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Got Hit In the Head By A Soda Can, But It Didn't Hurt That Much... It was a soft drink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK, Rolling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you buy socks with holes in them? It's the only way to get your feet in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don't know why she's mad at me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs. \"Could you please give me a description of them?\" the man asked.\"Certainly,\" I replied. \"They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama. Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says \"Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?\"She smiles and says, \"Yale.\"He says, \"YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "an occupation of a kid Mother: You can't imagine how many times I have to call him before he finally comes to me. I wonder what will he do for a living when he grows up...  Father: a waiter?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist? Hall'n Oates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content. A coronaissance, if you will."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was never a very good waiter. On my first day, two ladies came in and ordered: First lady: \"I'll have a garden salad please\"Second lady: \"Caesar salad for me please\"So I brought the first lady her garden salad, then seized it and gave it to the second lady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steam isn’t a Jihadi’s favourite state of water. Ice is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists... Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake walk into an ancient temple that has been lost for centuries. They blow it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost get arrested? For possession"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Muslim youth the best at dealing with pandemics? Because as a Quran-Teen, you always keep Allah by your self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rockets were approaching... So Iran."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does an ambulance make when a child predator gets injured? PE-DO PE-DO PE-DO!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use apple computing systems in space? Because they can't open windows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife... She says, \"Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one.\"  He says, \"I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear  Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character. You should have seen the Luke on her face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body? You wake up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and cocky Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia? A clitortise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Talking makes me feel like a workaholic judge. I'm just sentencing 24/7."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add \"art\" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language... it's SCHOOL"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I forgot to pack a fork with my lunch today. It was a pointless lunch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Amoung Us characters bottle up their emotions? Because they get kicked out of the group when they vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is a decent joke but it's relatable at least Cool quantum physics fact!When cooled, helium becomes a superfluid! To get to this state, it has to be cooled to a very very cold temperature. About -270 C!That's almost as cold as my bed every night ;-;"}
{"character": "random", "line": "5 gangsters calmly walk into a bar. Immediately, a Karen rushes up to them and starts yelling at them to get out.\"What are you doing!?\" yells the bartender. \"They haven't even been here for two minutes!\"\"Well,\" the Karen retorts. \"I've heard that 5G's are bad for the environment!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles. In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time? She worked knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well... That’s a deep subject."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You can drop a load in a washer and it doesn't follow you around for two weeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been watching far too much television lately. My dreams have adverts in them now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a pirates favorite letter? R? Wrong it’s the C"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America. They will call it USB."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake. I'm on a work trip and I just texted her \"having a wonderful time, wish you were her.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28. I guess that’s the price of inflation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: \"Yes, It is a serious problem.\"71% of respondents answered: \"No es una problema seriosa.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bargaining A visitor to my market stall was insistent on bargaining. I said \"sir, this is America, we don't negotiate with tourists.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Captain America and Peggy Carter finally share a kiss... Peggy Carter: \"That was good.\"Steve Rogers: \"Your niece thought so too!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest? A clam bake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone recommend a good bank account? Mine's run out of money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Spanish ghost have for breakfast? A bowl of ethereal..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night waiting for Santa to come... I finally got tired of waiting so I told him to get up, put his clothes on and leave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers He just wanted to put them in their place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do the planets listen to? Nep-tunes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the corner shop - bought four corners"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As my beloved grandfather would always say: I’d rather have a bottle in front of me... ...than a frontal lobotomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My date saw my bottom shelf tequila selection and made fun of me for being cheap and poor They were definitely cheap shots."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year Resolution for 2018 is... Buying bitcoin in 2011!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was at the immigration office, I interrupted an officer answering his phone and told him \"Ship them back where they came from. They have a tendency to explode\". He arrested me for being Islamophobic. As I was dragged out, I was yelling \"I was talking about your Samsung Galaxy Note 7!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings... Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners has been discovered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when an ambulance crashes into the side of a hospital? A medical breakthrough..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the right leg say to the left leg? Don’t talk the guy in the middle. He’s a dick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, \"This is red wine.' The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"What do you think lies there, on the other side?\", I asked my father as he took his last breathes... He replied, \"I don't know son, but I'm dying to find out.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Four guys are hanging out One of them says, “Hey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?”Larry says, “I hope it’s chuck because he’s really cute.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win... It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I was all dressed in latex whipping my slave when they kept on yelling someone else's safe word. Then I realized this was my Wednesday appointment and not my Thursday appointment. Whoops, wrong sub."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents always take separate planes so that in the unlikely event of a crash, at least one of them will still be alive to be there for us children. They're eighty five now --- the whole thing is like some sick joke they're playing on us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Humpty Dumpty push Ms. Humpty Dumpty off the wall? To see her crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when an ambulance crashes into the side of a hospital? A medical breakthrough..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are communists always late to events? Because they’re Stallin’!JK. It’s cause they starved to death."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought It's a growing problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Denzel say to the thick wire entering his house’s circuit breakers box ? Mah main...!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zipper say to the dick? Wanna hang out?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was wearing a t-shirt that said Guess So I asked her ... Implants?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stupid people are like Slinkies. They don't have much purpose, but it's fun to push them down the stairs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the last letter in the fascist alphabet ? I’m not so sure... all I know is it’s “not z”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "*Police Alert* Two men wanted for stealing a cement mixer. Caution is advised. They are hardened criminals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Christopher Museum I was walking through the Christopher museum and the tour guide was showing me some of the exhibits. He said this hat was worn by Colombus, these gloves were owned by Nolan, and these boots are made for Walken"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today... It drew blood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a guy cums all over a girls face? Genetic makeup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread? You cut the ends and now have endless bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Please stop making jokes about COVID! I lost both my parents in law due do this pandemic. My wife divorced me after i spend our holiday budget on a PS5 and a collection of NERF guns"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob Ross said \"We don't make mistakes. We just have happy accidents.\" So, either he lied and my parents made a mistake or I'm an accident."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends They thought it was well done.I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15. Did you make a prophet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The machine at the coin factory I work for stopped working. It doesn't make any cents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mate was boasting about being amazing at geography. So I decided to test him, I asked him where Uganda was. His response was: “in the house with my grandmother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just grabbed myself an early black friday deal - sleeping bag for only £30 No idea how to wake it up though..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do to snitches in the snowman mafia? You ice em’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when one plate goes on top of another? You get an earthquake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a crayon go on vacation? Color-ado. My seven year old just told me this one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you from Iraq? Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a little joke for the ladies Unfortunately, it's in my underpants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mondays God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did over the weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do wounded alligators drink? Gatorade"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle is like a good love story Very touching"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How would you describe summer in one word? Summary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went into the bathroom the other day.... and I lost my shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sausage puns are the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "These are the hardest to pull off. You have to wait until the setup comes to you before you can strike."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the road? Me neither, I couldn't follow it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad and I were checking out at the store when the checker asked him if he wanted paper or plastic. He responded, 'Either, I'm bisacktual.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the explosion at the workshop where they make perfume? It blew up the olfactory"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice. I still give great advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Japanese man with a head wound? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm making a killing selling home security systems... All I do is say \"Hello\" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two similar looking pair of breasts? Identities."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning I acidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a religious rabbit? A pray animal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only way to access the contents in a bottle... Is to decapitate it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops... But toucan!(First post here, hope you like it.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ... ... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.” Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.Man: But I keep losing my Focus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water. No shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. \"Why would you want to do that?\" one of the board members asked. \"So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet. It was his life savings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens in a library bathroom? People take shhhhhhhits"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena wakes up at a hospital John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICUJohn Cena: No you can’t"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire... She screamed, \"What the hell is this?\" I replied \"Net flicks and chill.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bank Robber 1: Did you scope out the place? Robber 2: Yes. The place has two armed guards.Robber 1: So we are evenly matched, limb wise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW? This may be a old one. I have not seen my uncle for 5 months. When I saw him, he told me “researchers have discovered why people were hoarding all the toilet paper. It was due to whenever someone sneezed or coughed, 10 other people shit their pants.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument? Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why. Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe? Because only Siths deal in Absolut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crabs store their money? In the sand bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China may be catching up to the US economically... ...but they definitely won’t outweigh us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password? A battering R.A.M."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no TV's in Afghanistan? Because of the Teleban."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned over and whispered, \"They're right behind you. . .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somewhere over Belarus a pilot just had a radio call Pilot to crew: We are requested to land immediately. Please prepare the cabin.Crew: Why, what is happening?Pilot: Threat of an explosive.Cew: What? What explosive?!Pilot: The one they will fire at us if we don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a tennis ball falls off a table, a golf ball shouts a question, \"Are you going to be ok?\" The tennis ball replies, \"Of course.  I'll bounce back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently saw one of those animated pornos that basically makes fictional characters have sex. This one was about a certain famous, big superhero guy in red with an 'i' on his shirt, I can't remember his name. Anyway, the film was surprisingly good and left me thinking, 'that's just fucking incredible'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mosquito that is found funny? Malarious"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young cow runs crying to her mom... A young cow runs crying to her mom...\"Momma, a bull came down to mate with me!\"Momma: \"No need to cry my child. It's perfectly natural.\"\"But momma he insisted on sucking on my teats because it gets him in the mood!\"\"He did What? How dairy!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor. I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin? Because only a Sith deals in absolutes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cannibals freshen their breath? Men toes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep! 25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, \"What're you supposed to be!?\" I replied, \"Fuck knows.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the official language of Omegle? ASL"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Blowjob I was walking along the railway and found a woman tied to the tracks. I freed her and she was so grateful that we made love for hours. She probably would have given me a blowjob if only I had found her head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a person is sueing a product for blinding him/her in one of their eyes, they should win double the amount Because they are not gonna be able to see half of it anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my home state of Mississippi, it's illegal to do the reverse cowgirl because because in Mississippi we never turn our backs on family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most peaceful musical instrument? I don't know, but violins isn't the answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Math teacher asked me if I have learnt about angles yeah, to a degree"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What can jelly beans do that you can't? Come in different colors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix? There's only one nut in the bag."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a dad joke cost $1000? When it's a granddad joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How Do Fish Get High? Seaweed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you try writing with a broken pencil? It's pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang? he was ostrich-sized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire  It was in tents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height… Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cannibal invites his friend for dinner His friend says \"wow, your wife makes an excellent stew\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why could the vet not save the hyperactive goat? Because the goat was bleating out too fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "COVID-19 is like a check engine light, at first you're like, \"fuck, this is terrifying\" But after a while you'll be like, \"fuck, I need to get to work!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Chinese men are robbing a distillary The first one says \"it this whiskey?\"The second replies \"yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him... ...with my bear hands..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was out by Starbucks today and saw a woman taking a picture of her food. she was there for 45 minutes trying to get the perfect angle, Then I realized I just started at a woman from across the room for 45 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans... They never get old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife? A knife has a point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m like a cat when it comes to kids I don’t really enjoy the product But I love playing with the box it came out of."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bad Dad Joke What do you get when you cross a sheep with an elephant?A Wolly Mammoth!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door. \"Lettuce in!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vegan thanksgiving On thanksgiving, what did the vegan tell the child when they were about to stomp on a bug?You butternut squash that!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article? You’re in for a nasty surprise - No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard self-deprecation is a sign of self obsession, Good thing I suck at self deprecation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy who only wears a loincloth and a crown of thorns? A cross-dresser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him. ## The judge gave me 60 years!    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;    ### My (other) favorite one liners: 1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.1. French tanks have five rever... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging. I feel really bad eating good old Chuck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man and a prostitute are sharing a meal He gives her his peas. She gives him herpes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what the biggest state is in the US? DaNile it has a population of 74million."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction? No whey, Hose A."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point. She was shocked I wasn’t a period."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Missing South Africa  In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: \"I miss South Africa.\" So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read: \"I hope this helps.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk. He was easily convicted.  There was concrete evidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?Me:No he wants to become one to"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a middle easterner's favorite instrument? Qatar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen. Police suspect highly organised crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The owl asked the most introspect question ever. Who are you???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What makes santa immune from covid-19? Santabodies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Metric system isn't popular in the United States? Nonsense, just look how popular are two-liter bottles and nine-millimeter bullets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number. and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, \"First offender?\"The woman replies, \"No judge, first a Gibson, then a Fender!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called? VAChina."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets. She came home in the morning, and her husband asked:”How much did you make?”“$804” she said“Which idiot gave you $4 ???” he asked“Well... everyone...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a redditor who copies and pastes dead jokes? A RIPoster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snowman without a carrot? Nobody nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Celebrities who release perfumes... Have they no scents of shame?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out... ...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February. I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted. The fifth one though was dead Sirius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the perfume store and asked the guy there, \"Penny for your thoughts?\" He replied, \"I'm quite sorry, sir, but I only have scents.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it? Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of phone does an animal crossing character have A nookia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said to me \"what rimes with orange?\" And I said \"No it doesn't.\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you try writing with a broken pencil? It's pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a potassium joke? K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Reversing the car) \"Ahh, this takes me back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you don't get enough fibre in your diet ... tough shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Steve got his lungs injured in army? Sergeant told him to blow up the tank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Germany announces a new health ministry to aid in combatting COV19 From today, all research dedicated to battling COV19 will be carried out under the Robert Cough foundation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success. Apparently, they don't give a shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers. He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit. Mitch better have my bunny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 has been brutal this year Now it's just Ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust people that use large format printers. They’re always plotting something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Do You Call Mondays without Any Zoom Meetings? Meetless Mondays"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country has the fastest growing population? Ireland. It's Dublin every year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think with the recent success of Elon musk’s “not a flamethrower” sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes He could call his first brand Elon’s musk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Beach Boys walk into a bar \"Round?\"\"Round?\"\"Get a round\"\"I get a round?\"\"Get a round...\"\"Fuck off\" said the bababa bababarman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I strongly believe women are like fine wine. They should be kept in a dark cellar and only brought out for special occasions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle? It was a New York Times' Best Sheller!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on a blind date. I saw this lovely girl and said to her are you Susan?She said are you Brian?.. I said yes I am: All exited..She said no my name is Sharon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The person who created the sign \"CAUTION HOT SURFACE\"... ...in braille, was an evil genius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If anybody is alone during the festive period please don't hesitate to let me know. I need to borrow some chairs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do people say \"break a leg\" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance. I said, \"Ma'am, are you sure?\"She replied, \"Yes if you don't mind.\"So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One farmer asks another \\- \"Are your cows smokers?\"\\- \"No, that would be ridiculous!\"\\- \"Then your barn is on fire.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tie say to the hat? I'll hang here, and you go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why’s it a bad idea to eat mushrooms for dinner? Because you won’t have mushroom left for dessert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an explosives specialist from Oklahoma? OK boomer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Copy nervous on its date with Paste? Because Cut was at another table, and they were a controlling ex.I'm sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good project manager makes updates. A bad project manager makes up dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It’s a huge act, man.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a house without numbers? Something that needs addressed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what’s the difference between bees and bears? ears"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating? Stem cell research."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who hates brown rice just because it’s brown? A riceist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I almost never do 9/11 jokes... Because when I do they have a tendency to crash and burn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays? A one that died on Thursday..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every 3 months buying new toothbrushes is expensive! I have 32 teeth to buy toothbrushes for, I wish someone would invent a teethbrush!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant He said: it’s naan of your business"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic But it was a false Salaam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've tried to blow air in many directions but failed Gotta say, I'm not a fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nvidia teams up with Oceana nonprofit to track manta rays' travelling habits They're applying their latest ray tracing technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Elon Musk released a line of fragrances they would probably call it.. Tesla for Men or something like that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because she said I kept leaving oxygen tanks around the house. I thought that they created atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex? Trump-bone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought It's a growing problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is relative humidity? The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bowl of salad went to church Lettuce pray"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. \"Boss,\" he said, \"the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!\"\"That's fine,\" said the boss, \"but where were you yesterday?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So this guy with three dicks walks into a clothier shop to buy a pair of tailored pants When the pants are done the tailor asks how they fit him.\"Like a glove.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012. 2021\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data... Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for YEARS now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house... but the kids still get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I kissed a vampire last Halloween. Do you know what it felt like? A pain in the neck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend dumped me because I was obsessed with my job as a cashier. I said, \"Would you like your receipt in case you change your mind?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a roofer.... back when I was shingle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew... Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Dad Joke) Why is a library the tallest building? It has so many stories!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here’s Something weird about the English language Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in GSpoiler it’s a joke Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming.. I told him to make up his mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Homer Simpson's favorite toy? Play D'oh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm planning on releasing a fragrance based off of suffering. I'm planning on releasing a fragrance based off of suffering.I'm going to call it \"Eau de Humanity\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, \"What's happening!?\" \"The big bad wolf!\" a goat shouted. \"Is meditating!\"\"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.\"Noooo!\" the goat bleated. \"It's become aware wolf!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best toothbrush for prostitutes? Oral D"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sorting the sub by new. Nothing came up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fun fact: there is a bank you can go to get gold without being arrested. It’s called Reddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A gentleman walks into a store tells the sales associate “I need an anniversary gift. Do you have any perfume?” Lady shows him a bottle, he asks “how much?” She replies “$50”. He asks for a cheaper bottle. She shows him another bottle. “How much?”, “$20” she replied. He asks again “anything cheaper? She shows him a mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke on many levels What's gripping from start to finish?\"The Rock Climber's Guide to Masturbation on the climb\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the company's idea for a giant sandal? Turned out to be a massive flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bank robbery committed by a ghost? A Polterheist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man comes into the courthouse and says... \"Hello, my name is Alexander Dickwank.\"  \"That's... unfortunate\", replies the clerk, \"are you here for a name change?\"  \"Indeed, I would like to change my first name to Edward.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the epileptic throw himself into the lettuce patch? He was making a seizure salad.    ....I’ll see myself out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to Order Soup A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, \"I think I will have the turtle soup.\"The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, \"Hold the turtle, make it pea!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elton John got a treadmill for his pet rabbit It’s a little fit bunny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop “When is it due” he asks.“Two weeks” she replies.“I guess I’ll just walk then” he responds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence. For example:Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa has been reading all your posts. Most of you are getting dictionaries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel Great sedimental value.(I can't take credit.  Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans... They never get old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the Japanese precision aerobatic team, and the Rockettes? The Japanese precision aerobatic team are known for their cunning stunts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig with fleas? Pork scratchings ( I think that  might just be a British thing so sorry if it is)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the rain drops. I told her she's deluginal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't kids in China believe in Santa Claus? They make the toys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't mind being divorced. But I'd rather be widowed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm going my laundry on Monday instead of Sunday. I have the day off that day because of Martin Luther King day. In the spirit of the holiday, I am not going to separate my colors from my whites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What will happen if they decide to cast out Tom Cruise off of Mission Impossible? the movie will be Impossible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the potato salad blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What form of art is very popular among college kids? Ramen doodles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make gold soup? Add 24 carrots"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said \"Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Buddhist morning be like Rice and shrine everyone!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man bought an olympic condom pack Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom packWife: huh, what is thatHusband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.Wife: Nah use the silver one.Husband: Why?Wife: You should come second for a change"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If mass and energy are the same thing, how come the fatter you get, the lazier you become?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pillow cases are just tiny duvets! Wake up sheeple, you're living with a pillow sham!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about a parking ticket? No??FINE."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a man has been stealing tires from the cops I guess you could say the cops are tirelessly looking for him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I'm only celebrating my birthday for half a minute! I guess you could say it's my thirty-second birthday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you guys hear that the pearl thief is still at large? The oysters are calling it a clamity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period"}
{"character": "random", "line": "dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head \"Ow! screamed the waiter, \"I didn't see that cumin!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag? \"No thanks, I'm traveling light!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Let's make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Dracula call his interior design book? Fang-shui."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do ghosts drive? Boo-gattis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went a week without makeup and here's what happened: Nothing. No one gave a shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One secret policeman asks another, “What do you think of the regime?” ... Nervously, the second policeman replies, “The same as you, comrade.” At that point the first one pulls out handcuffs and says, “In that case, it is my duty to arrest you.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behaviour. Little does she know she can’t enter my pillow fort without the secret password."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend came back from the bathroom with wet hands. I noticed this. I said, “Wow it looks like you’ve washed your hands.” They say, “No, I just pissed on them so I can knock out two birds with one stone.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the drum player commit suicide after being charged with homicide? He couldn't handle the repercussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body He'll be born in March"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is just like her toothbrush. On my ass every day for no good reason."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son lost his first milk tooth today.. I hope that would teach him never to touch my PlayStation again .."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom? linoleon Blownaparte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many viola players does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they can't reach that high"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Google Plus was the gym of social networking We all joined but no one ever used it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can’t even."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a customer that he reminded me of my father. He says to me \"Oh wow, he must be quite a nice guy!\"I told him \"No, he's an asshole.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll say this about Drake Most rappers date nines and tens, but he goes to Eleven"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country? He was Snowden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin? A squash :3"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the connection between a family of Force users? The Force Kin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think I thought of a great joke about yoga But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an interview Barbara Walters asks OJ Simpson if he thinks he will ever be married again... He says, \"I don't know... One of these days, I might take another stab at it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift. He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self-driving cars will never work right. No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It took so much time to get to the library, and I wound up taking a nap anyway tl;dr Too long, didn't read"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened? 'Buns n Hoses'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease. Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, \"I know. You've said that already.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts. In about a month, it will really be no Fair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I write this I'm trying to assemble bicycle wheels using quite a complex process. Damn, I spoke too soon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't believe everything you read in public toilets Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries? It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to burn 1,000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the food take so long at an Internet cafe? Because the servers cannot be found"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a man on the street dressed as Henry VIII. He was sitting on the sidewalk asking people for money.I thought, that can't be right; beggars can't be Tudors?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the hospital? Because it wasn't peeling well.credit to my 5 y/o niece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my wife while we working at the same museum I met my wife while we were working at the same museum. Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? They had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor? Eye Patchino"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: do u understand the importance of a period? 8yo: yes, once my sister missed her & my mom started crying, my dad fainted & my elder brother ran away from home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why? Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost for santa to park his sleigh? Nothing- It's on the house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I share a sense of humour... Coz we have to...She doesn’t have one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are farmers so good at drawing circles? Because the are Protractors"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide. Printer: \"Why do you need pages that long?\"Man: \"Well, it's a long story.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A question for every single person on earth . . . . . . What's it like being single?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw in the new year with some Australian kangaroo beer Nice and hoppy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son tried riding his bike without training wheels today and the bike kept falling... I guess you could say it was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are mountains so good at telling jokes? Because they're hill areas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say as his son left? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That's just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the North Korean leader’s favorite periodic element? Un un quadium. Then, uranium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, \"That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours  Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 kangaroos walk into a bar \"Why in the world are there 3 kangaroos in the bar\" says the bar tenderThe kangaroos then wreak havoc on the bar as they are wild animals and belong outdoors where they can do wild animal things."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry It has its prose and its Khans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was U2's bass player in their early days One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW] St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath... I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally coming out of the closet It’s been 25 minutes. My little brother sucks at hide and seekI swear if he’s playing Fortnite right now I will throw him out of the goddamned window."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the Star Wars Lovers Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory? It was a total mascara."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is doing sexual favors for drugs like a boxing match? They're both blow for blow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever noticed the tags that you can use when posting on r/Jokes? For some reason, people can't use the OC tag in their posts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic? A: A PearlJam 😃"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing. ...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The library in our town had thousands and thousands of books But even then everyone referred to it as the two storey building."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake? Because he was already stuffed...Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came out of the closet to my boss and was fired on the spot He’s still asking how I got in his closet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always try to bank on personality. On an unrelated note, I'm in debt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians? Ho Ho Ho!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom It was just pictures of me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal! It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you work at a water bottle factory It must be difficult to not drink on the job"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the paramedics know Paul Walker had clean hair? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I can’t do pull-ups or push-ups Wife: But you can do a lot of fuck-ups"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did they circle say when he found out he wasn't actually a circle? \"Yeah whatever, I'm Oval it\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some lions just escaped a nature reserve in South Africa They were rejected from their group.They could maybe ask to be let in the group againBut their pride wouldn't let them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a turtle when it dies? It goes into riga-tortoise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. \"Not at all\", I replied. \"What are the odds of both of us being killers?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see the Chinese flag on the moon? There are children all over China bragging they sewed it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandpa's pyjamas? Grandma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I identify as an ambulance My pronouns are wee/woo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm like Hank Hill when I'm in an argument. Stern, no nonsense, and my urethra narrows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I faced the wrong way on live television. Back to the studio."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain. The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.The lookout replied, \"Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good.\"The captain responded, \"Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat? They’re always Russian or Dragging"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get into a locked cemetery? With a skeleton key"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father was killed by a herd of pigs. The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the head say to the brush? Comb over hair. My thanks to my niece who made this up. She is seven. Pretty good imo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call vegan seafood? Artifishial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, \"State your name, occupation, and the charge.\"The defendant said, \"I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery.\"The judge winced and said, \"Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the deal with racism? You're not running a race."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted. The fifth one though was dead Sirius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat? Butt weight, there's more!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What name would you call someone with poor local area network? What name would you call someone with poor local area network? Nolan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"do you believe in ghosts?\" **Me:** lol no— even my grandma says that's dumb\"dude your grandma died 10 years ago\"**Me:** what?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think I thought of a great joke about yoga But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Lucifer eat for breakfast? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins **Phoebe:****Joey:****Chandler:****Monica:****The monkey:****Rachel:****Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event. According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS members' dick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman gets on an Elevator with a Man The Woman says \"TGIF\"So the man says \"SHIT\"The woman again says \"TGIF\"And again the man says \"SHIT\"So finally the woman explains TGIF means Thank God Its FridayAnd the man says SHIT means Sorry Honey Its Thursday"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law & Order franchise ordered a T-bone steak for dinner last night. He prefers them well Done-Done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favourite food? Fish and ships"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard of the infantry and thought it sounded great! I just sent my toddler there!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating is much easier since the lock down started. Zero effort."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a girl named Ruth When she left me, I became Ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boss shows up at a job site Boss: \"Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!\"Bob: \"Boss, a good employee is hard to find.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is being asked customs questions at a Ukrainian airport “Nationality?”“Russian.”“Occupation?”“No, I’m just visiting”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:\"Man, Chester, you Knighted!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene? Shit went down here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity. \"It's because I gave up sex,\" he said.\"When did you give up sex?\" asked the reporter.\"Just about fifteen years ago.\"\"I see,\" said the reporter.  \"And why did you give up sex?\"\"I had to.  I like older women and there weren't any more left!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye  We'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents allways warned me to never ho through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before... Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Tiger Woods and a NASCAR driver? Tiger Woods plays golf for a living, but enjoys smashing up his car on his days off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The two quotes that shows a person's true colors: \"It's just a game.\"\"Sir/Ma'am we ask u to wear ur mask.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I worked in a helium factory I resigned after a week, I wasn't going to be spoken to like that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was really surprised when I was born. So much so that I didn't talk for a year and a half."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Look down the front of your shirt, and spell \"Attic\" out loud. One genuine dad joke for your amusement!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear. He said, \"Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy: \"WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?\" Waiter: \"Thats the soup sir\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs are truly woman's best friend If you don't believe it, lock your dog and husband in your trunk.  Wait an hour, open it and see who is happier to see you again!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice... The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly. The barman says \"That was quick!\"\"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had...\" replies the man.\"Ohh, what's that?\" said the barman sympathetically.The man answers \"no money.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Captain Hook buy his hook? From a second-hand store"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state was Sarah Palin governor of again? \"Alaska.\"No, don't worry, I'll ask her myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin's lamp... Wife: Oh my god, you're SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling? Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times. Wife: Awww, you're so sweet baby! And did it work?Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a national coin shortage. Go figure... All anybody is saying right now is that we need change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In architecture and armoury, a \"boss\" is a giant knob. And also in general."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Porn is like a library book.. It's probably got cum in it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to become someone serving the community and helping people ever since i was little. On Mondays - Thursdays,  i am a doctor. Fridays - Sundays , I'm a Police officer.  Being a stripper is challenging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world is your oyster... Anybody know how to shuck it, cause I'm lost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a majority of the market share in the north east? You have a MAINEopoly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fuel does the Fast and the Furious cast use Vin Diesel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you beat Dr. Doofenshmirtz in a sword fight? You parry the platypus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat. “Have you been drinking?” The officer asks. “Just water,” says the priest. “Then why do I smell wine?”The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Queen Victoria didn’t do such a good job keeping drinking water away from toilet water... but it was still frowned upon to cholera fool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan? He died of dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips? Pine-terist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid Off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Does Enya Use To Season Her Food? Only Thyme"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Snow White say when the printer jammed? Someday my prints will come!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song? What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song?Area Codes by Ludacris"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got vaccinated! Nothing special really, but you do get tired and just want to go home and browse Internet Explorer or Edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book? He said, \"I'm just not feeling it!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. No, I said. It's to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do polar bears eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do butchers and men with Onlyfans accounts have in common? They both get paid to beat their meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My husband told me to embrace my mistakes So I gave him a big hug!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty grossShe said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two atoms are talking and one says \"I think I lost an electron.\" The other atom says \"Are you sure?\" The first atom replys \"Yes, I'm positive!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are two blondes fighting over, on a motorcycle? Over which one gets the window seat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When finally the quarantaine is over and you have the following options: A. Going on vacation with your wife. B. Having a barbecue with your friends. What would you choose? Spareribs or hamburgers?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone We'll call it the LGbtq+"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of motorcycle has the best sense of humor? Yamahahaha"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crop do metalheads grow? Korn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What name would you call someone with poor local area network? What name would you call someone with poor local area network? Nolan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the most intense moment in history? When the mission to take the first cow into space commenced.The steaks had never been higher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do writers hate the bible? It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet? It would start Clogging up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 2 lambs dating? A relationSHEEP."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me. What do you call Afghan triplets?Twins!I am so sorry...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan... Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a duck mating a pillow the other day... I guess it was DTF"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got in touch with my inner self this morning. That's the last time I buy one ply toilet paper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Urinal etiquette tips It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider. They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks \"Are you sure?\"It replys \"I'm positive.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mosquito bit my balls last night Got my balls sucked,later virgins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch? I didn't mean to turn you on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show. Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?” Like bro you were there wtf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey. Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Snow White say when the printer jammed? Someday my prints will come!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield? Its asshole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fort made out of doors? Fort Knocks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa was accused of impregnating five women in a single year, but the claims cannot be true. Why?Because Santa only comes once a year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish? Clickbait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to buy the latest telescope so I could see outer space but the cost was astronomical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*Walks in on my dad inserting a bullet up his ass* My dad: ''Don't worry, I'm just fucking around''"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the purpose of war? \"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography\" - Mark Twain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favourite word in the English language is frequently I try to use it as often as possible"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies show that after being released from prison, women have a tendency to immediately begin menstruation. This is because a period comes at the end of a sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what was said about the shovel when it was invented? Now that's groundbreaking idea!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't .... ..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eric the Red's brother, Rudolf, was home gazing out his window. He says to his wife: Looks bad out there. Looks like rain.\"Rudolf's wife responds: \"Are you sure dear?\"Rudolf answers back: \"Trust me. Rudolf the Red knows rain dear.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder... Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to race snails when I was younger... ... And I thought that removing the shells would make them go faster, however, it only made them more sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man has been arrested for publically masturbating while reading out loud from a law book, all the while imagining legal cases. Though he got off on a technicality."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Break up My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.It Taurus apart.I'm in Pisces typing this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only a fisherman will understand the struggle Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide. Printer: \"Why do you need pages that long?\"Man: \"Well, it's a long story.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stupid kid joke: Why was the sand at the beach wet? Because the sea wee'd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the laptop show up late to school? It had a hard drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick? He took her out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*Police Alert* Two men wanted for stealing a cement mixer. Caution is advised. They are hardened criminals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "if you were sandwiched between your parents, and you were an inch deep in your mom, and your dad was an inch deep in you, would you move forward or backward to get out? interviewer: we meant questions about the job"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of breath mints do dyslexic military officers use? Tac-tics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott Lynch walk into a bar I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[Siri Beta] What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an alien? A mars-upial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator” I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2 in Cuba. But, in the Bahamas a slice only costs $1 Sorry, I'm just telling you the pie-rates of the Caribbean\\*Laughs in Johnny Depp\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a horrific accident, 2 children were raced to hospital by an air ambulance. The air ambulance won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you enlarge a centipede to 100x its normal size? A dollarpede."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mark and his wife were driving along a country road. They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. \"Relatives of yours?\", asked Mark sarcastically.\"Yes,\" she replied. \"My in-laws.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who does a racist call when his car breaks down? Triple K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a computer and a shark have in common? They both have megabites"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea. When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.  \"Ow!\" yells the man, \"I asked for this to be room temperature!\"  \"It is, sir\" says the waiter \"The kitchen is on fire.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars? The Mangolorian.(Made up for an eight year old)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Americans spell it as \"color\", when it is spelt \"colour\" everywhere else? Because the Americans don't care about \"U\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat's best friend was a rabbit, but the rabbit passed away today.... ...now I have a hare-less pussy!But seriously, RIP Carrots."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How will the Judicial System improve? By Trial and error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year. What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..... They got excited and asked if I can drive a truck!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup. I leaned over and said, \"You're single arent you..\"She says, \"Yes, but how did you know?\"I said, \"Because you're ugly as fuck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug His last wish was to be Frank in Stein"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were. They said chicken or vegetable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "5 Year Old to Dad : Do you know what comes out of a virgin Pussy? **Dad** : Jesus Christ !! Who taught you all those bad words ?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Dinosaur that's also a witch? A Tyranosaurus-Hex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does a snowman have a heart? Nope, just big balls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ole John John was a religious boy who he prayed all night that he be accepted into heaven, the very next day he had a vision where Jesus told him “come fourth and you will receive eternal life” But John came fifth and won a flip phone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread? Cut the ends and you will have endless bread"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet It was a shampoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a job at a factory that makes fire hydrants. They would not let me park my car there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cows are amazing Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.It's a case of in one ear and out the udder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time. I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,”  I replied “probably the ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can read any language in the world! If it is written in English."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, \"What's happening!?\" \"The big bad wolf!\" a goat shouted. \"Is meditating!\"\"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.\"Noooo!\" the goat bleated. \"It's become aware wolf!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Soviet Russia, you rob bank In Capitalist America, bank robs you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: \"Mom, Dad, I'm gay.\" Mom: *Stares at Dad*Dad: *Clenches fist*Mom: \"Don't!\"Dad: *Sweats Profusely*Mom: \"...\"Dad: \"HI GAY, I'M DAD\"Son: \"No dad, I'm serious!\"Dad: \"You're serious? I thought you were Gay!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station...The other's a busty crustacean!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My stomach is flat. The L is silent. .."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope that one day, I can turbocharge my car But that’s just an aspiration"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My idea of a balanced diet... Is a beer in each hand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss fired me. \"Why?\" I asked.He said, \"You always question authority.\"  I said, \"How?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter? A Brazilian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why Scooby Doo is the most viewed cartoon in Denmark? Because he’s a Great Dane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kathy: \"Wow, you have really gorgeous hair.\" Chandler: \"Thanks, I grow it myself.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the vampire race finish? Neck and neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. \"You know, one would have been enough.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Larry Flynt, creator of Hustler Magazine, has died aged 78. His family have asked fans do not send flowers... ...but to send nudes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is your name Jasmine? Because you've always got Aladdin side you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the first pig discovered in? SINGAPORK!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number. and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I taught my dog to climb a ladder... ...because he specializes in roofing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a waffle on the beach? A San Diego"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's usually workers at supermarkets who temperature probe incoming deliveries It's to make sure the temperature is below the required level and the produce hasn't spoiled.They don't get paid for doing this, they just do it probe ono"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to the Doctor and says: \"Help, Doc. I'm scared of letters.\" Doctor: Are you?Man: Aahh!Doctor: Oh, you are. Man: Aaaaahhhhh!Doctor: It's okay , I see! Man AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open? Because it has short skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day? She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer.  It's called \"Erin Go-Brah-kovich.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young cow runs crying to her mom... A young cow runs crying to her mom...\"Momma, a bull came down to mate with me!\"Momma: \"No need to cry my child. It's perfectly natural.\"\"But momma he insisted on sucking on my teats because it gets him in the mood!\"\"He did What? How dairy!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"If I ever need to buy a cucumber and nothing else, **I'll also buy lube so the cashier doesn't think I'm vegan.\"**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault, Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls! But really, they're all liti-gators"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had heart palpitations, sweating and aches on the day of my first Covid-19 Vaccine But once I got in and actually had the jab I was fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the beach yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign that said \"Lobster Tails $1\". I thought that was a good deal, so I gave the man the money and he said \"Once upon a time there was a lobster...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate. Girls love to do dishes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February. I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules."}
{"character": "random", "line": "No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say They are all paid actors anyway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California? His argument didn't hold water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are women so bad at parking cars? Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German gets to border security... Border guard: \"Occupation?\"The German: \"No, just visiting\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've always had a deep connection with mirrors I see a lot of myself in them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my son it's ok to swear at the gun range Because yelling \"SHOOT\" is just to dangerous"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the first animal in space? The cow that jumped over the moon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle died from a turtle stampede It was a slow death"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a coin is fresh? You can still smell the mint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stunt plane crashed at a cemetery Rescue mission had already discovered 50 dead people"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..... They got excited and asked if I can drive a truck!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to live with a closet-gay roommate. Then one day I unlocked his chains and he ran away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar.. Any help would be appreciated.Cheers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex Now she'll know what rejection feels like..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A year ago,I tried to network around and create a group of guys with similar taste and do activities together. For some reason, the prosecuting lawyer and media keep mentioning it as a ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices. It was a Catcher in the Rye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can we stop the conspiracy theories on Epstein's death? It was a normal suicide, because he had nothing to live for. \"This post is supported and paid for by the Clinton Foundation\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never trust an A# to play an instrument? Because it will always B flat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the first animal in space? The cow that jumped over the moon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks… …because the other is a buoy ant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My work made me go on a training course where I had to lift some Spanish guys over and over It was a Manuel handling course"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an assassin's favorite element? What is an assassin's favorite elem-Surprise!(it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location, they have reached hash equilibrium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes. She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the skeleton climb the tree? A dog was chasing him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn't any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, 'Do you want to hear today's special?' I said, 'Yes, please,' so he replied, 'No problem, sir. Today is special.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anytime I ask a girl with a boyfriend to watch my favorite movie with her, she always ends up being a Liam Neeson fan “No, Taken”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who's been stabbed 3 times? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the rabbit's childhood? It's a hare-raising tale!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Beach Boys walk into a bar \"Round?\"\"Round?\"\"Get a round\"\"I get a round?\"\"Get a round...\"\"Fuck off\" said the bababa bababarman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene. When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, \"That's round John Virgin.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\n\" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? \" My wife screamed. \" Could you explain to me,\" I yelled back, \" Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body He'll be born in March"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor I’ll post it soon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged. He  said \"I've been robbed by two tortoises\"The desk officer said \"Can you describe the incident\"The snail replied \"No not really it all happened so fast \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should every starter house come with a cat? Because you can’t spell homeowner without “meow”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex. Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grizzly bear can jump higher than a house. Mainly because houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mayor say when he found out the river is flooding? Dam it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two dogs breathing heavily? A pair of pants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did everyone want the truck on their tug-of-war team? Because it had a ton of pulling force"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you ever want to build a home for the poor A foundation is a solid place to start"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play. I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Prof to the student: Did you study geography? Student: Yes sir.    Prof: so, tell me, where is Kentucky?    Student: At page 35 prof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park. Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”Translation - “Big? Thanks!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was an ex 'flat-earther' He finally came around"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Surfer saves shark by punching wife in New South Wales. Beg your pardon. Let me read that again..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is the pool safe for diving? It deep ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why hasn't Peru adopted LED lights yet? Because they are proud of their incan descent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they call the rapper \"50 Cent\" in Venezuela? $1,554,270.59"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when two female members of a royal family have sex? Princest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, \"Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?\" \"It's spelled 'you're',\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty. They’re my last reshorts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled. As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. \"You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rest in peace to the water I just boiled. It will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a depressed dam in Iraq A Saddam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A half indian-half Irish man married a half chinese-half Italian woman After much deliberation,they named their son Ravi O'Lee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This waitress asked me a really stupid question She said, \"how did you find your steak sir?\"I said, \"well, I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin? They both come in socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who got shot by a starter pistol ? Police believe it was race related."}
{"character": "random", "line": "No Good Question Goes Unbilled... A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. The lawyer says, \"$100 for three questions.\"\"Isn't that a bit steep?\" asked the man.\"Yes,\" said the lawyer. \"Now, what's your third question?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East? Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the field medic say to the uncooperative wounded soldier? Suture self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customer: One box of condoms, please. Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus taxCustomer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. At least I know where I stand now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does the architecture school's principal send bad students? To the suspension bridge.This joke can't even hold itself up..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull? They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were. I said, \"Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once knew a girl with no eyebrows. she had a hard time expressing herself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old sone impressed me today. He asked me \"What is the brownist number?\" What is the brownist number?Number 2.He has tried for months to come up with something original. Usually, they just don't make sense, or just aren't funny. This was the first time he had an original I cracked up at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I parked my car outside parliament. \"Sir, you can't park here,\" said a cop. \"This is where our politicians work.\" \"Don't worry, I've locked it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I ask my dad if he's all right he replies, No, I'm half left.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can a leopard change his spots? By moving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mind your audience with these. They'll have to understand certain refrences to get them, so they're better saved for older kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bert: \"Ernie, how do I look?\" Ernie: \"With your eyes, Bert.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a major sweet tooth. It's the black one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a guy at the beach yelling, “Help! Shark, help!” I just laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tomorrow's weather forecast for Canada is in, just in time for cannabis legalization It's going to be cloudy with a chance of Doritos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime? I think they just ransomware."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I go to someone's home and they tell me to make myself at home... The first thing I do is kick them out because I don't like visitors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the Vegan Crossfitter who saw Hamilton live on Broadway with the original cast? He didn't know which one to talk about first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve? There's no dental records & all the DNA matches..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't soccer moms let their kids listen to Beethoven? Because of all the violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some protestors are breaking into congress I hear it is a capitol offense"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother has been staying with me for a couple weeks now, which has been awful. My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door...I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.”I said, “Get inside.”credit: Anthony Jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ambulances are the original Transformers because sometimes they transform mid-ride into hearses."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my parents were \"debating\" at the dinner table the other night Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men.  I'm seeing a double standard here.  Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women?  What is he called?Dad: Smart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A roman guy walks into a bar, lifts two fingers and says: \"I'll take five beers\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear? When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser? It Torah hole in the atmosphere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion? Because it was a Wayne-y day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip? I think everyone in this bank just saw my face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is sodium's grandmother? Na^(2)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "PROMOTION Employee: Sir, I hope it’s okay that I replace the former manager who just died.   Boss: I’m totally fine with it. But maybe the funeral home won’t allow it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers... Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, \"Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel.\"The patient says, \"My name isn't Daniel.\"The doctor says, \"Mine is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the Apostle Paul, Bon Jovi and Manfred Mann's Earth Band all have in common? They were all \"blinded by the light\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grandmother said to her grandson, \"The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young.\"He replied, \"That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was flirting really well with this woman in the bar. \"Do you want me to show you a good time?\" she asked.\"Of course, babe,\" I grinned eagerly.\"Get your stopwatch out then,\" she snapped, \"and see how long it takes me to get to the other side of the club.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke for all you sorting by new. A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.An **optimist** sees light at the end of a tunnel.A *realist* sees a freight train.The ***train driver*** sees three morons standing on the train tracks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What comes after tossing Caesar's salad? Caesar dressing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass? A protein sheikh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A helpful bit of advice when using the internet Avoid clickbait"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the chances that a gorilla would jump on a lion? Anyways I lost my job at the zoo today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dragon with no silver? a dron. dr**ag**on (science joke)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor... Then I thought of all the training."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only a fisherman will understand the struggle Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today's forecast is going to be.... Partially sunny......"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!” His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who's making \"Colostomy Bag Pipes\" on Kick Starter? They sound like shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Okay, my humor is a bit dry, but enjoy? I guess? You probably won’t but eh, I don’t care. So the president asked one of his advisers if there were any Walmart’s in Iran, but his advisor replies: “Mr. President, there are no Walmart’s in Iran, only targets.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The local Ice Cream man was found dead on the floor of his van, covered in nuts, sprinkles and sauce. The police think he topped himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter \"F\"? The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently started learning to play the violin, and I think my neighbor enjoys it. I assume he's throwing bricks through my windows to hear me better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000 **Papa John:****Accountant:** 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes **Papa John:** And that's...**Accountant:** *(sighs)* 258,000 pizzas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins **Phoebe:****Joey:****Chandler:****Monica:****The monkey:****Rachel:****Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said \"Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen push CTRL + ALT + DELETE? She wanted the Task Manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A termite walks into a bar and asks, \"Is the bar tender here?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are goldfish the most dangerous animal? Because they live in a tank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust anything balloons say? They're full of hot air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many kittens does it take to paint a house? That depends on how much splash damage you get when you launch them at the wall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A packrat decided to make a nest in my car's muffler. By the time I got to the mechanic the poor bugger was exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease. I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said \"Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you.\" He was being too forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baseball player worked part time at a bakery His boss told him \"Hey batter batter batter\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's my job to talk them down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cattle feed shopping Recently I got to know of this site which sells excellent Cattle feed. It mainly constitutes grain supplement and came highly recommended. However I was disappointed with the quality when it was delivered. I had to give them the feed back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver... But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know; you can fit 35 bananas in a kangaroos pouch Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist... After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Making Rocky Mountain Oysters is tough work It takes balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between select and choose? Select means to pick something, choose are what Puero Ricans wear on their feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My personal trainer said she wanted me to do a push workout. I've since been arrested for trying to pull her jogging bottoms down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather have a heart of a lion, eye of an eagle, and.... A lifetime ban from the zoo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl, are you the secant of angle Z? Cuz you sure are sec(Z)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space Because there is no atmosphere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class “The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights. Who wants some?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard self-deprecation is a sign of self obsession, Good thing I suck at self deprecation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, I've seen a large amount of Helen Keller jokes. A lot of them are really offensive.Oh, she would KILL us if she could hear them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. Just a hint: I didn't ask a question."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up No one is moving on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How will you know if a shrine works? It became a tourist destination"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a monkey questioning their sexuality Bicurious george"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid from the Make A Wish Foundation told me he wanted to be Batman for Halloween... So I murdered his parents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.” I simply replied “copyright”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was gonna tell you a joke about UDP... ...but you might not get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets. Hindsight is 2020."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bowl of salad went to church Lettuce pray"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know coronavirus is an historic event? Forrest Gump is involved.   ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats. Every patient that's made it there has flu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies. I think she's dumpling me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person with 2 donkeys? Biased"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me \"have you ever been convicted of a felony?\" \"Does stealing a joke count?\" I asked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend keeps joking she’s addicted to chocolate. She eats it every chance she gets. I finally got so fed up that I took her downtown to see a homeless junkie. I pointed at him and said, “Now that, see that? Why can’t you be that skinny?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called \"Accessories To The Crime\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have pictures of girls showing their tits. I keep them on my flash drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage. Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hypothetically sliced apple? A core concept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis... it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia... otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the epileptic chefs special menu item? Seizure Salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I prefer to think of myself as a \"Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer\" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, \"stalker\" is such an ugly word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscience - it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sausage puns are the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you buy socks with holes in them? It's the only way to get your feet in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do monsters like to watch movies on? Wide scream TVs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady is giving birth. After she pushes and pushes, the baby is born. Doctor: \"Mam, I have good news and bad news. Lady: Give me the bad news first.Doctor: your baby has red hair.Lady: Thank goodness! What's the good news!Doctor: It's stillborn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brothers always out clubbing, my parents are really worried about his health. He's always had one foot in the rave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cats call their human form? Their purr-sona."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath? One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the french flag without any color? Still the french flag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: \"take me to your leader\". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship..... \"Where are you going?!  Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!\" calls a Senator.  \"You are right!\" responds the alien. \"See you on Thursday!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the color say to the other color? I love hue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer? I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All of my sexual escapades are like a big budget Star Wars movie Solo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do dogs play Among Us? One is the impawster, and the others are chewmates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the bank, I told the cashier, \" I would like to open a joint account.\" . He enquired, \" With whom?\"I answered, \" With whomsoever has lots of money.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blue House is made of blue bricks, a pink house is made of pink bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks. What is a green house made of? Glass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common? You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Internet Explorer is so slow in catching up that... Microsoft Edge had to go back in time to tell Internet Explorer that it has been replaced"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Young Arnold Schwarzenegger is selected to play a horse in his school play with another kid The costume consists of two parts. The front part and the rear. So the kid says: \"Ok Arnold, I'll be the front.\"So Arnold agrees and says: \"I'll be back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist. It turned out to be a great diss appointment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was trying to find a place in the clothes shop to try on some shirts. Finally found somewhere just right. It was a fitting room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten. Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake. Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "First upvotes were enough, then gold and platinum. Now it’s awards. After we build up a tolerance, I can’t wait to try what Reddit scientists are cooking up as the next praise drug."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is more difficult than getting an assault rifle in the U.S.? Getting a water bottle in a Georgia voting line"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I are a perfect match. For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!” He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena's full name is \"John Felix Anthony Cena Jr.\" Didn't see that one coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Bill Gates do at his foundation that he couldn’t at Microsoft? Prevent viruses."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform? in the audit-orium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the German writer always starving? Because he is paid by the word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Germans bail the Greeks out? Because they took Pita on them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of dad jokes? A Pundemic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A blood orange."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard the best geography joke today... I would tell you but you had to be there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spin the Bottle When I was a kid, all of us kids played 'Spin the bottle'. A girl would spin the bottle. If it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.By the time I was 16, I owned my own house..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's your New Years resolution? Mine is 3120x1440. I got a new phone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Brazilian percussionist who was severely injured in a conga line? He made a maraca-ulous recovery. It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is common between Reddit and China? They both don't like opinions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin. Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a dinosaurs favourite deodorant REXona"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde goes to the doctor and says \"I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina\" The doctor takes a look and says \"Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This new guy Juan has been hanging out with me and friends lately and honestly, I'm not a fan. He very controlling and manipulative. And no Juan is going to tell me what to do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone has glued my pack of cards together-I don't know how to deal with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts hate rain on Halloween? It dampens their spirits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross Halloween with rugby? Drop ghouls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters. Dunkirk?Yea, did all of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work... ... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.\"Praise God, it's a miracle!\" says the delighted zookeeper.\"Not really,\" says the penguin, \"Your name is written on the inside cover.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many IT support guys does it take to change the light bulb? Zero. They just switch it off and on a few times and it works like new"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What disease do all comedians have? Sillyacts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed. It would be a real game changer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A time traveler goes to eat. After his meal, he notices he's still hungry. He goes back four seconds"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember when President-Elect Trump said immigrants were going to take our jobs? It's all true! Just ask Michelle Obama!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle is an archeologist.. He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job of making leaf blowers... because they all sucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirate's favorite letter? Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype.Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand...But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How did the cannibal get caught at the wrestling match? A: He yelled \"Food fight!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a generic frosted flakes box... THEYYYYYY'RE......alright, I guess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does my mother call my father \"10 millimeter?\" Because he disappeared just as fast as the socket"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A goat walks into a bar The bartender says, \"eh, I've seen greater.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house? Pardon me, please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference... THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The purpose of propellers on an aircraft are to fan the pilot When they stop turning, the pilot starts sweating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Me: What’s a pirates favorite letter?Unwitting person just living their life: R?Me: R’s what you’d think but it’s the C they love!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide CHECK CZECH CHEQUES"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robot-Hitler was arrested for killing his creator today. He was charged with battery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is there a hole in your shoe? No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him Guilty as charged"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine sent me a ruler exactly 30.48 centimeters long That's when I realized, something was afoot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, \" 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?\"The man replies, \" like a glove.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate And she says \"Bon Atrophy\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two potato farmers are in a field One of them reaches down with both hands and pulls up two of the biggest potatoes they have ever scene. The other farmer says \"Wow! Those potatoes look just like my balls.\" \"That big?\" Asks the farmer. \"No, just that dirty.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between jam and jelly? My office printer doesn't jelly every time I try to print :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel down from a tree? You pull down you pants and show him your nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said \"Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you.\" He was being too forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do we know the corona virus wasn't made in China? Because we've had it for almost a year now and it's still working"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the pig who thought he caught Covid on a plane? Turned out to be the 'swine flew'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with atrophy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cat jokes #10 Why does a tiger tell the truth?Because he isn't a lion. #9 If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?None! They were copy cats! #8 Why did the cat run from the tree?Because it was... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when cross an owl with an elephant? A dead owl with a six inch wide hole in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield? I used my discount card but could only get 20% off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself  It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once.... It wasn't right, man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store. One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It's 'may.' Student: No, it's January."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a tailor need to go on vacation? When they seem stressed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why wasn't the little lamb allowed to frolic in the meadow with the other little lambs? Because he had a serious gambolling problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure... ...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day... ...which is when he fucks his secretary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are some concepts of jokes that work in another language, but not in english? In danish, if you keep saying the word \"amen\", it becomes our expression of \"yummy\".Which means as a silly joke, you could make a religion that praises food, and instead of ending a prayer with amen it goes \"amenamenamenam\" aka. \"Yum yum yum yum\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes. I guess that makes him a small medium at large..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We were so poor when I was growing up, that my mother made us clothes out of the offcuts my dad would bring from home from work at the sandpaper factory. It was rough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took the road less travelled by But so did everyone else because they saw it on Google Maps and now we're all stuck in traffic. -Robert Frost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my kid asks how i survived WW3 id tell him this... Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class “The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Anthony Hopkins go to learn about cannibalism? To a Hannibal Lecture."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says \"I can't find any milk for my coffee\"The second says \"in space, no-one can. Here, use cream\"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97. Those are only available on Amazon Prime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is arguing and breaking up And he says:- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is walking along the road when he sees his mother in law being attacked by five men. His wife asks, \"Aren't you going to help?\". The man says no five should be enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a therapist and a septic engineer have in common? They both get paid to deal with your shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never challenge death to a pillow fight unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?***Yes***How did she die?***Mushroom poisoning***But why does she have 26 stab wounds?***She was refusing to eat them**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Home Remedies Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer,  my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty grossShe said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what? It wooden start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button? A frog in a blender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him? Doctor: They Are For You.!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was digging in my garden this morning and found some gold coins. I was really excited and rushed inside to tell the prostitute about it but then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know coronavirus is an historic event? Forrest Gump is involved.   ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated. Cop 2: Hate crime?Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One fine day Husband : Today is a fine day.Annoyed wife : Wh do you keep saying 'Today is a fine day' every day?Husband : You had said it once, \"One fine day, I'll leave this house\".."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need to brush up on my geography. The box my new TV came in said \"Built In Antenna.\" I have no idea where Antenna is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last year In Africa, I made friends with a Mosquito. He told me a really good joke I thought it was Malarious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists analysed sweat samples of 100 regular KFC visitors. 11 secrete herbs and spices"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy became a savage after his girlfriend left. I guess I should have known he'd become Ruth-less."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup Ma-SCARE-ya&nbsp;*^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey. So I took a photo of her hair!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us He forgot a period.(Edit: Woo original content!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry She really loved that cat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s strange disliking Chinese food while having an Asian Fetish I’d like to eat out Chinese but I hate eating out Chinese"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies show that after being released from prison, women have a tendency to immediately begin menstruation. This is because a period comes at the end of a sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons? One is eight nights while the other ate knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I invented a new beef and vegetable recipe, but it wasn't so great... It was meaty-okra."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 guys break down in the middle of the desert The first one says he'll take the hood to use as shade.The second one says he'll take the radiator because he can drink the water left in it.The third guy says he'll take the door so if he gets hot he can roll the window down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Ireland run out of potatoes during the Irish potato famine? They discovered they could make alcohol out of them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fun fact: there is a bank you can go to get gold without being arrested. It’s called Reddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provalone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump Do you know what he'd call them?Fake Nudes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does america always score top on shooting in the Olympics? Because we train in the best schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together. OMg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people call it grave robbing... I prefer to call it crypto-currency"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women date witty writers? NSFW Because they enjoy cunning linguists."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered, \"They're right behind you\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the king of all school supplies? The ruler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sapphire's best friend tell her? \"You're a real gem.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would be the best name for a sitcom set in Afghanistan? Minefeld."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an upvote that changes colors ? A karma chameleon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday. Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection? Because either-net works when he’s catfishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you guys heard about those new courdoroy pillows? They’re making “headlines”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was U2's bass player in their early days One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cats in china say? Mi Hao!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are dogs afraid to go to space? Because of the vacuumEdit: Sorry if this joke is ruffDouble Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't we have any alien visitors in our solar system? I googled it and found the reason...It's rated only '1 star' out there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach. Somebody really hated his guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague. I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad? When it’s a snowman’s nose!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wife said: \"Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that...\" And the husband replied: \"Just remember they do it with more than one cow...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thanks Google Nest.... I get a notice on my phone saying a unknown person was seen walking in the house early morning...shows a picture of me.... well.. fuck you to you judgmental asshole lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This hot weather... The thing I love most about this hot weather is the crop tops and short skirts... Although it does make me look a bit gay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The arguments between the \"pro-mask\" and \"anti-mask\" groups is really intense! People are even PRACTICING their arguments at home first. Just yesterday I heard a 14 y/o boy tell his friend that at home he mask debates into a sock!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What the... that rabbit is wearing a tuxedo. Yeah, he’s probably coming from a hare dresser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Darth Vader say when the record store employee told him they were out of George Michael albums? I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hot actors are like hot ovens It usually makes the news whenever someone puts a baby inside them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the man with hummus spilled on his shirt called kinky? Because he had some chick-pea all over him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon... One leans to the other and says \"Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?\"The other blond says \"Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the average internal body temperature of a Tauntaun Luke Warm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a sure sign your lover has crabs? They want to fuck you sideways"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda. Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck? It’s a long one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library, asks the librarian, \"Do you have the new book on living life with a small penis?\" She searches her computer and says, \"I Don't See Anything, I Don't Think Its In Yet.\"The man says, \"Yes, that's the one!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman was putting away laundry when the kitten ran across her feet. Startled, she dropped the pants she was holding. Her husband laughs and says “damn, you mean I’ve been trying to get those off of you for all these years and your drop your pants for a little pussy”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always said that I would never ever go walking dark scary tunnels in the earth. But eventually I caved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit? A humblebee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you call a talkative Trekkie? A: William Chatner!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe So therefore your honour she was legal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Ancient Egyptians call the pharaoh who farted oddly? Toot Uncommon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather inspired me to be a writer He died choking on a peanut butter sandwich. I will never forget his last words: \"Happy pen... happy pen...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the doctor today and rasped, \"There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat.\" He chuckled, \"It's not that serious but...\" \"You'll need to have utensils taken out.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, I always liked period jokes. The only thing is, the entrance is always bloody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the way to a woman's vagina? Oh sorry, I thought this was /r/AskReddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which mythical creature casts no reflection? All of them, technically."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the law student do to his mother when he couldn’t become a judge? He embarister."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If banks have a penny for every time they robbed someone ... Oh wait, they do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man exclaims, \"I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make.. ..the ultimate sack of rice.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man enters a butcher's shop The man wants to buy some spread sausage: \"Good morning, can I get some from the coarse and thick one, please?\"Butcher: \"I'm sorry, but she's at trade school today.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 has a new calendar out JanuaryFebruaryLockdownDecember"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part about sorting by new? The jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've started selling tiny notebooks The margins are pretty tight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told this gamer chick... You wanna experience the fastest data transfer rate known to man? She was very excited until I unzipped my pants.:rimshot:"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? \"Supplies!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"What's your name, son?\" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, \"D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.\" \"Do you have a stutter?\" the principal asked. The student answered, \"No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a Policeman's baton and a magician's wand? One is for cunning stunts and the other is for stunning..........."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the favorite instrument of Stalin? Re-Percussion!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two flies are sat on a dog poo. One of them breaks wind, and the other says…. Do you mind! I’m eating!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ruth got fired while she was on pregnancy leave Her company is just ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a bunch of ghosts slime the same person? Boo-kkake!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The gorilla at the zoo likes to get deals at Amazon. He's a Primeate"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock. Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What award did the deceased chick pea receive? A posthummus award"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't like to illegally download music. I'm afraid I'll get FLAC."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How am I similar to the Earth ? We both rotate around our own ex(s)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old sone impressed me today. He asked me \"What is the brownist number?\" What is the brownist number?Number 2.He has tried for months to come up with something original. Usually, they just don't make sense, or just aren't funny. This was the first time he had an original I cracked up at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign \"Gott Mit Uns\" The English replied with a sign of their own \"We got mittens too\"Real story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Found my spirit animal It's a bull, because I too, run headfirst into red flags.I'll see myself out now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, \"Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?\"\"How dare you\", retorted the woman, \"I'm not some cheap pickup!\"\"Well then\", said the tramp, \"get the fuck out of my bed\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily. So I offered, \"some add vise.\" ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat. He felt offal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During the Middle Ages, a young prince is relaxing in his palace waiting for a love letter from a princess in the next kingdom. A pigeon flies in holding a letter in its beak. The prince takes the letter, opens it and reads:\"Limited time special: Get your sword polished for only 5 gold coins.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100. Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon... One leans to the other and says \"Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?\"The other blond says \"Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day the amount of plastic in the ocean will be irreversible, That will be the last straw"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces? Knot bad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently got ran over by a steam roller people said i should be offended, but i was flattered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the creationist student say when asked why he didn't have his homework on natural selection? My dogma ate it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it \"Go Fly!\"but it didnt fly.Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts I call it premature evacuation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the cows return from the fields right about when evening tea is ready? It’s tea-pot calling the cattle back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flowers have sex? Florally"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the coolest letter in the alphabet? B, because it is in between the AC."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who did the wizard marry? His ghoul-friend"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust people that use large format printers. They’re always plotting something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were Loki's powers centered around creating illusions? It allows him to be low-key with his mischiefs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture. The stewardess asked \"What the heck is that?\"He said \"It's my carri-on luggage\"*sorry sorry sorry*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best way to hand feed a crocodile? Very carefully."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian? Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the paper say to the crayon when he found out that the crayon was pregnant? Well color me surprised!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(I saw this as a meme, but haven't found it on this sub yet so here it goes) Pixar's movies always have the same idea What if x has feelings?Examples:Toy Story: What if toys have feelingsCars: What if cars have feelingsInside Out: What if feelings have feelingsSoul: What if black people have feelings?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a bobcat and a cougar? You ride a Bobcat, a cougar rides you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Argon walks into a bar The bartender looks up and says, \"I'm sorry, we don't serve noble gases here.\"Argon doesn't react because reacting has been copyrighted by The Fine Bros since 2016."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the castle cut the grass It was already moat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp? Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean He said “no shit”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roofer with a perfect safety record? He never had a shingle accident."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son knocked a picture of himself off the shelf. He looked devastated. I told him, \"Don't worry about it, champ. Pick yourself up\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can a leopard change his spots? By moving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never buy anything made from velcro, it's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, \"What's happening!?\" \"The big bad wolf!\" a goat shouted. \"Is meditating!\"\"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.\"Noooo!\" the goat bleated. \"It's become aware wolf!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe... I’m not joking, but he is..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the plastic surgeon priest’s favourite thing to do? Alter boys"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I live in MD and the governor is all “Don't go to the bar. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.” Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man walks into a library ... says to the librarian in a loud voice, ‘please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice’. The librarian says ‘this is a library’. The man apologies and whispers ‘sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do wizzards eat at the beach? A sandwitch"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, my subcontractors are still working on it, we're behind schedule, my credit line and bank facilities won't get approved because my auditor won't release a clean audit report......it's a mess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "an occupation of a kid Mother: You can't imagine how many times I have to call him before he finally comes to me. I wonder what will he do for a living when he grows up...  Father: a waiter?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel. Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kangaroo walks into a bar. The Bartender says, \"I suppose you want a Fosters with a frosty mug.\" The kangaroo says, \"No, just give me something hoppy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a mass murderer... But then I got a vasectomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing So I took down his confederate flag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily. So I offered, \"some add vise.\" ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got vaccinated! Nothing special really, but you do get tired and just want to go home and browse Internet Explorer or Edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just put the jelly in the refrigerator” my mom yelled “There’s not enough room” I responded as I tried to jam it in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower. I'm a transplant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sign in a pawn shop window \"We value your presents.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "China Online What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?Lo Ding"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke  When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard. He called his wife about it.\"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!\" He said.\"Oh my God, are you okay?\" His wife asked.\"Yes, I have it under CTRL.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Dicks Sporting Goods and bought a heavy bad and 14oz gloves. The checkout clerk asked me, \"Do you wanna box for those?\" ... Why does it always have to be a fight with you people? Can't I just pay for them and go home?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave a homeless guy $5 today I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pear thats a dad? I don't really know but it should be apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gamble do English grads have to perfect to become the most dominant in their class? The Alpha Bet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Scots the toughest guys in the world? They wear kilts in a country where thistles grow waist-high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet They log on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene Proof once and for all that he's unstable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know, the cave where Jesus was resurrected... contained a large quantity of hydrating body lotion?  He was moist-jew-rising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sign in a pawn shop window \"We value your presents.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I went to the doctor... She asked \"What brings you here today?\"I replied \"My car.\"And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: \"Not sexually active.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize an outer space party? You planet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently sharks can grow up to 30 feet. I thought they were called fins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard you like tree puns... Willow Yule please tell me what kind Juniper Fir?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese fella bursts out of the janitorial closet and exclaims Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm in a band called colon explosion. People say our music's the shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle just said to me, “All these mass shooting are happening because kids these days are so self entitled.” I said, “Why? Because they want to keep all the bullets?”Seriously, Fuck Him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball... ...and rubbed them against the car door.Magically, it opened!!\"That's incredible!!\" the woman gasped. \"How did you do it?\"\"Easy...\" replied the soldier. \"These are my khakis.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round... It’s fucked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "- I saw two men beating my mother in law - and you didn’t do anything?- nah, 3 people would be too many"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles... In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy. They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't. The flight attendant said, \"Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m always playing with it. I always have it in my hand. I pull it out at family parties or hanging out with friends. I’ve been known to just whip it out in public, at the park, at the playground. I’m talking about my phone, you sicko!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle works at a crematorium.For his birthday, I bought him a bottle of lotion... Because he must be ashy..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself... Now there's someone who could use a good paddle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man sent love letters to his crush for years, and even one day wrote, that he was going to be visiting her house, when he showed up, she asked “who are you” The man should have considered that he was a doctor and all she knew was his handwriting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm? The CIEIO."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, That makes two of us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? It's because they can't see sh!t at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees access the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It's 'may.' Student: No, it's January."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wanna know what’s not illegal in California? Wildfires."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Her malpractice suit isn't going so well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sun: Greg, Mon: Ian, Tue: Greg, Wed: Ian, Thur: Greg, Fri: Ian, Sat: Greg It's the Gregorian calendar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandad went down in history. .....he also fingered someone in geography."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women… I'm calling it: Cadaviar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a masturbation addiction But I'm beating it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid. Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument does Darth Vader play? The rebel bass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put on a pretty expensive perfume and went into an Apple Store ​​Everyone enjoyed; it is good they don't have any Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra. I had to call the police to report domestic violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody once gave me advice on dating to “just be yourself” and “be the true you”... ...he was an actor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do with an Elephant that has three balls? You walk him and pitch to the Kangaroo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was an accountant I was an accountant from age 22 to 35, when because of office politics, I was sacked for no reason. What a waste of 15 years."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays? Unemployed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? It\"s called Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend and I went to a chiropractor exam and we had to unscramble the letters PEINS He wrote SPINE, he's a chiropractor now and I spend all my time on reddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are roofers always irritated. Because they have to deal with shingles all the time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day, I bailed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Binary War? It was a disaster. No One survived."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week? They're having a hard time moving inventory now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the news about Microsoft retiring Internet Explorer in 2022? I don’t know about you, but I’m on edge over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do guns and corona virus have in common They were both created in China now every American has one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An angry customers walks back in a donut shop. He says to the worker:\"Why isn't my donut glazed?!The worker respond:\"Look sir, i'm not going to sugar coat it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants”... “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, they’re just talking bollocks”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication. And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The easiest time to add insult to injury Is when you’re signing somebody’s cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's such a shame when people break up over the phone. They should try hanging up and trying again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad I was thinking Ahhh!!! So that's whats burning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the lifeguard at the beach save the hippie? He was too far out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who did The Fonz call when his motorcycle broke down on the way to Arnold's Drive-In? Triple Aaaaayyyyy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?\" \"It's Amy, Mario.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky. They sure are a handful to raise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between me and a mosquito? I don’t stop sucking when you slap me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What I if told you… That you read the top line wrong?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Playing the drums might hurt your arms... ...but playing the accordion could really harm a knee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum \"what's wrong with dad?\" \"He's going through a rough patch\" she said..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Horse Walks into a Bar A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey fellow, why the long face?”The horse, incapable of understanding the English language, shits all over the floor and leaves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hotel Porn I'm a modest man. I checked into my hotel recently and told the lady at the registration desk, \"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.\" She replied, \"No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night, my daughter shouted downstairs, \"Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink!\" \"That's great, darling!\" I said. \"Put it under your pillow and see what happens.\" A few minutes later she shouted, \"Nothing's happened dad and now my bed is completely soaked!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "She sexily unbuttons her shirt, removes her bra, pushes him down and placed his hand on her bare chest. \"$100. Just $100 and I'll do anything you want.\"His eyes glow bright: \"Anything?\"\"Anything.\" She whispers into his ears.Excited, he springs up, pulls out his wallet, gives her 5 brand new $20 bills and says: \"Here is $100! Now give me $500!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a sus dudes favorite pair of shoes? SKETCHers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a horny square? Erectangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles. I told them to make it snappy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do owls say when they go trick or treating? Happy Owl-ween."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf? In case you get a hole-in-one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why did the computer get mad at the printer? A: Because it didn't like its toner voice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts go to the pub? For boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Knock, knock.\" \"Who's there?\" \"Nobel.\" \"Nobel who?\" \"Nobel, so I knock knocked.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to bees when they get swatted by the Walking Dead? They turn into zom-bees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'. Which is not so bad until you read it out loud."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community That would be a reservation reservation reservation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest. Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.\"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?\"\"Get out of here. I'm pooping!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Elon Musk's favorite country? Mad-at-gas-car"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces? Knot bad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a Motorcycle crash in my street I shouted “let me through “ are you a doctor they asked I said “ no it’s my Pizza”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got fired from da carpet factory. I can't understand it. I kept telling dem how much I love working on da rugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend) The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.AV famously stated, \"Um.. err.. I ca..\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I have an intimate relationship, but she got upset when I was using her toothbrush. So I just said 'Hey, if YOU have a better way to get dogshit out of sneakers...'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Warnings about motorcycles Every time people find out I drive a motorcycle they always freak out and tell me about sometime someone they know got in an accident.I don't get it.I don't go around telling pregnant women that my dad left"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're. Their, I finally said it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear caught in a rain shower. A drizzly bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should we be lenient on drug abusers with lisps? All they did was meth up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Simpson's character does the best power points ? Slideshow Bob"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \\*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats an athlete’s favorite country? Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well... That’s a deep subject."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People keep talking about black holes I guess they have a lot of mass appeal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a loaf of bread and he'll eat for a week Give that same man a fishing pole and he'll die of internal bleeding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, \"I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled\"The clerk replies in disgust, \"It's just regular porn, you sick fuck\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last week I fucked my sister in law This week I fucked my brother in geography"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why wasn't the little lamb allowed to frolic in the meadow with the other little lambs? Because he had a serious gambolling problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an idea for a movie where a retired CIA agent searches for his daughter in Paris It turns out that idea was taken"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbour has put up a fine mesh barrier between our properties. I think it's a fence sieve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband on second day of marriage... ...goes to the beautician who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100. Husband smiled and said' same feeling '"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read: Roses are red, Violets are blueI’ve got Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun? An Ultra-Violet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does drinking kombucha and giving blow jobs have in common? If you've ever finished one properly, you already know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One for the software devs There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:1. Garbage collection2. Naming things3. Off-by-one errors"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull? They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors \"No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!\" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in The lemon-limelight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My partner and I can never agree on vacations. I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book.... They had an outage"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teacher goes for a walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it. The lamb gives her a weird look and runs away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a Karen called in China? Kalen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A white woman has a baby with a white husband The parents rush to the hospital to deliver the baby. The baby pops out and the baby is... black? ''Well that took a dark turn'' said the husband"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two kittens sitting on a steep roof. Which one falls off first? the one with the smallest *mu*.....**Preemptive explanation:**Coefficient of friction. The coefficient of friction (COF), often symbolized by the Greek letter µ (pronounced *mew*), is a dimensionless scalar value which describes the... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about. But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dark humour is like food Not everyone gets it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf. I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m financially set for life ...providing I die next Monday"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What price did the inventor of the knock-knock joke win? The No-bell price"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in Nigeria? You stick a piece of bread to the ceiling"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get shot in the army? No, son. I only got shot in the leggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I'm after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baker say when she won an award? \"It was a piece of cake.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.    Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the botanist do every time he was in a slump? He turned over a new leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a brown-noser clean their mask? They shake the sh*t out of it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to visit my family this Easter, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches\" Where?\"1 o'clock\"1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey... Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; \"Houston, you have a problem.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Tiger Woods get for Christmas? Half of everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does quartz get tired of? Being taken for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow. That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I went for a walk with a beautiful woman Then she noticed me, so we went for a run"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Not mine) A man in a trench coat walks up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench He opens up his coat at them, the first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, the third old lady absolutely refused to touch it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After weeks of preparation, I was ready to begin my trip across the world to Sydney. I prepared my luggage, boarded the plane, and after 17 hours I was in Australia. I rented a car, drove a while, and at long last I saw a sign that said \"SYDNEY LEFT\". \"Well shit,\" I said, so I packed up my stuff and went back home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do most printers break so easily? Shitty HP"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do tectonic plates greet each other? They shake lands"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south? a bi-polar bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "April 4th National School Librarian Day I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books. She said, “that sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis? Because her coach was a PUMPKIN."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m giving up drinking, for a month. *(oops, incorrect punctuation)*I’m giving up. Drinking for a month."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not so sure my new year is getting off on a good start. Last night I ate like a pig and got incredibly drunk. First thing I did this morning when I woke up was take an enormous, smelly shit. Second thing I did was get out of bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door. He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: \"Dude was that necessary?\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy. He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes? The manager said, \"what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes Because then you are a mile away and have their shoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a dragon gets bored of strip steaks? Flaming Yawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have been playing this interesting game with my niece recently. And you just lost it too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the internet dance? Because it has an Al Gore Rhythm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him. It was the incel's Excel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in Nigeria? You stick a piece of bread to the ceiling"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bulls wear bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa spend 364 days a year forming strong masculine relationships? Bros before hos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I GOT A FREE FOUNTAIN DRINK AT THE MALL TODAY!! But all the pennies in the water gave it a bad taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control. I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a thistle painting onto a canvas. It was an artychoke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Karl Marx buried at Highgate Cemetery? Because he was dead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture..... But when I got home, the tables were turned"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Limerick There once was a man from Port CrownWho went to a doctor in town.The doc gave to heA sup-po-si-to-ry.\"I will not take this sitting down!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was afraid I had Covid because I thought I lost my sense of taste. Turns out I'm just a shitty cook."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom had colon cancer now she has a semi-colon.She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal It was a miner success"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be sexually attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound. Then I came to my senses."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad? It's a sweet emulsion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Before my operation, the anaesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm like Hank Hill when I'm in an argument. Stern, no nonsense, and my urethra narrows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Real Story) All of a sudden, my Steam language was set to Russian. I was changing it back to English, when my hand slipped. But it's okay, now. I have everything in Czech."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Dragonborn climb the 7000 steps? He wanted to see what all the Fus was about.(Credit to a youtube comment i saw)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke was going to get him for Father’s Day? He sensed his presents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!? What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What looks like half an apple? The other half."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running from the ball!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I told him my dogs don't even own bikes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don't correct themselves They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business? They just couldn’t measure up to the competition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa, So i Madagascar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common? They both came in a little behind"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Santa quit shaving and grow out his now long white beard? Same reason why he's called \"Saint Nick\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is? A right angle. It's always 90 degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product The iShovel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day ...just chilling, and Satan asks, \"Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often.\"Jesus says, \"Hail, Satan.\"And Satan's all like, \"YEEEEEAH, BOI!\"And Jesus is all like, \"Oh, you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services? Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice. I said \"Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!\"He said \"Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man tells his wife \"you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know...\" \"Honey,\" she replies, \"for how many years you've been watching porn?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo mamma so hairy She gotta comb her wrist to see what time it is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad They had great chemistry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are two blondes fighting over, on a motorcycle? Over which one gets the window seat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met the world's riches fisherman today \"What's your net worth?\" I asked.\"This one was about £10\" he replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black, and white, and OBVIOUSLY belongs in NeverLand? Pan, duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We had to get a new all-in-one printer, after a lot of fighting. The old one couldn't handle the fax."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.  It's a total rip-off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift... My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries. Merry Christmas!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy asks his grandmother... \"Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD\". Granny replies, \"Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a long, curved potato with a monetized video channel? A professional U-tuber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy I wanted to date demanded I disclose my bust size first He said he only deals with known quantitties."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him. You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wore my \"Gandalf for President\" shirt to the comic convention. It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the one about the letter with no postage? You wouldn't get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds. I'm calling it \"CDs Nuts\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a fine line... Between fishing, and standing by the shore looking like an idiot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crabs store their money? In the sand bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am the breadwinner of the family I make the most dough"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Strippers don't use air conditioners... Only fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes. \"It's worthless\" her father says\"I know\" She replies \"But let's hear it anyway\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore. ... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the right leg say to the left leg? Don’t talk the guy in the middle. He’s a dick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the deal with scented candles? If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe... I’m not joking, but he is..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbour has put up a fine mesh barrier between our properties. I think it's a fence sieve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I taught my son today to play Marco Polo We opened the cabinet and found China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eminem is that guy in chemistry class that raps the whole periodic table. But skips Oxygen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man” Until I walked in on him banging the maid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning. It's just his daily poutine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The library in our town had thousands and thousands of books But even then everyone referred to it as the two storey building."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I'd make a joke about fencing but then I saw the rule about \"no ripostes\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two friends were talking to each other in a bar... \"I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!\", one man proudly exclaimed.\"I thought you said that you were buying her a new car,\" the other questioned.\"Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic? It takes you back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don't even know where he got someone else's feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Squirrels GO Camping They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says, \"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you chop a tree down in the middle of the forest, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down Do you think it's stumped?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood But just ended up with a load of Splinters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?    Billy Jeans!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar The bartender asks him, “Hey, is that a steering wheel in your pants.” The pirate responds, “Ayyyy, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK After,  Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium.  That was an OMg moment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all those people that say \"age is just a number\"... ...well you're wrong, it's just a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I keep thinking that there's a color between blue and green, but there isn't It's a pigment of my imagination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in the library, I found a book entitled \"How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems\" So I bought 2 copies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're a teenage girl and you need to visit the mall to get supplies for art class, just say so. Don't turn to your dad as you leave the house and say \"I'm going to the mall to get felt.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "after the invisible man had kids he became a cross dresser. You could say he was a... trans parent"}
{"character": "random", "line": "No Good Question Goes Unbilled... A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. The lawyer says, \"$100 for three questions.\"\"Isn't that a bit steep?\" asked the man.\"Yes,\" said the lawyer. \"Now, what's your third question?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds... Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every birthday, my uncle Guiseppe used to cook me a meal He'd say, \"That was the pasta, this is the present.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"And this baby is our granddaughter. Her name is Degree.\" \"I'm sorry, did you say Deborah?\"\"No, no. Degree. Our daughter left for University and came back with this. It's her Degree.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are CDC's covid guidelines not complete Today they told us that a facemask and gloves are enough to be safe outside, and when I came outside I saw everybody is wearing clothes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't believe my literature teacher is forcing me to read and analyze one of George Orwell's books. It's literally 1984."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do actors do when they make a mistake? They react."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust acupuncture specialists? They'll always stab you in the back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'. I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to buy a lighter on Amazon, when I searched, it said, \"4.2 million matches found!\" Guess I'll have to go to the store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a card today and on the envelope in big red letters said, \"PLEASE DO NOT BEND.\" \"How am I going to pick it up?\" I thought to myself ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Darth Vader prefer coarse-grain pepper? He hates it when it's high ground."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is Santa Claus? Because if in Spanish, \"Santo\" or \"San\" is used for male saints...(San Francisco, San Diego)And \"Santa\" is used for female saints...(Santa Monica, Santa Barbara)Wouldn't that make Santa Claus transsexual?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really feel like having some pancakes... maybe I don't...I just can't stop waffling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra. I had to call the police to report domestic violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl between two posts? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Irish car prices? They're Dublin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "French border Officer : Occupation? German Tourist: No No, just visiting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor shingled my roof for free He said it was on the house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is yellow in color that you shouldn’t try to drink? A school bus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zipper that keeps snagging your dick? A penis fly trap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was grilling some lettuce over a fire for dinner. My dad came over, took one look and said: That's chard, you idiot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s tighter than a dead virgin? My alibi"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit... Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who are the worlds fastest readers The 911 jumpers, one hundred stories in a few seconds"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best first name for a news anchor that breaks a lot of big stories? This: Justin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elephant Stew ## Ingredients* 1 Elephant * Brown gravy, and lots of it* Salt and pepper to taste* 2 Rabbits (optional)## DirectionsCut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.This should take about 2 months.Add enough brown gravy to cover,cook over... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the CVS receipt joke? Sit down and get comfy. It’s really long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to buy grain-free granola. I said, \"That's nuts!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When trouble brews, why do members of the White House staff rush the president to the Oval Office? Because he can never be cornered there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you care so much about my mental health... ...then gimme some brain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a crocodile the other day, but thankfully it only eats cheese. It's an alligrater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the man fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't working with enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead in a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you stay away from trees? They can be a little shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do female ghosts sing on Halloween? Ghouls just want to have fun!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to sort out wtahtoebucrldazy into an actual sentence Then I relized “that would be crazy!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do when there's rough turbulence? Use an air plane!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beer brewery manager on the phone with Mrs Jones: \"Afraid I have bad news. Your husband fell into a vat of beer this morning.\" Mrs Jones started weeping. \"Did he go quickly?\" \"He climbed out three times - but only to pee.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the Joker's makeup like a whitewashed tomb, his lips like torn paper, his eyes like burning suns? Because when he was young, the Joker's father said\"Let's put a simile on that face!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my job as an event planner at a nursing home today... Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was attacked while vacationing in Russia All I remember was seeing Tsars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a fisherman’s favorite type of music? Hard bass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an uncle who's ambidextrous, but prefers to use his right hand The only thing he does left is write."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker? If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you give potatoes spectacles? Spectaters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw an old woman on the news who's house was flooded She was standing there, knee deep in water, crying......and I thought that's not helpingCredit: Jimmy Carr"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of music does bubble wrap not like? >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!P... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs donate? Because they’re shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed in an English Hotel that was so quaint that when I we first arrived, rather than a mint, there were a couple of cricket balls and a bat on the bed. Though the bat did fly out of the window after only a few minutes, and I never did find the rest of the cricket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, \"Is it to scale?\" \"No,\" I said.\"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Turns out the abominable snowman is actually quite nice. I asked if he had something hot to drink, He answered \"Yea Tea\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Object to All This Sex on the Television I keep falling off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure... ...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself: \"This really takes me back\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best thing about a blow job? You get five minutes of peace and quiet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius. My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't mean to brag.... but cashiers are always checking me out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds... Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics \"Miracle on Ice\" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that? He quaalluded with the Russians"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never buy flowers from a monk? Because only you can prevent florist friars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mermaid wear to the math class? Algae-braP.S not my own . Reposting someone’s original  from years ago. Kudos to him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, \"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?\" \"Why do you want to talk to me?\" she asked puzzled. \"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year. Everyone was dismayed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pavlov walks into a cafe... ...and orders a breakfast. \"Sure,\" the lady says. \"I'll let you know when it's ready.\" After a little while, she places his tray on the counter and rings the bell. Pavlov leaps up and exclaims, \"Oh my gosh, I have to feed the dogs!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Disney and Viagra have in common? You wait 3 hours for a 3 minute ride."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day, you're the best thing since slice bread.... .....the next, you're toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a banana republic the traffic lights go from green to yellow to brown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy walks into his bedroom with a goat under his arm... He says, \"This is the pig I fuck when you're not around.His wife says, \"You dumb asshole, that's a goat, not a pig.\"He shoots back, \"Who the hell did you think I was talking to?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do catholic nuns have more clothes than other nuns? Because their clothes are mass produced..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most laidback dinosaur of all? The Trankylosaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Legendary composer Jim Steinman has died at the age of 73... One of his biggest hits was \"Dead Ringer for Love\" a duet by Meat Loaf and Cher. Making the video for the song took weeks, as Cher's working hours were strictly regulated due to most of her being under 18"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you clean plate-mail? In the dishwasher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think Germany was the best prepared country for Covid-19. They already have a tradition of greeting each other at a distance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does earth and mars schedule a vacation They planet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her. Lucky guess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend told me he started selling artisan home-distilled fermented grain mash on etsy... I replied, \"Sounds like a whiskey buisness.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are ghosts favorite thing to read? BOOks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them? Ass skin for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't you buy things with Velcro? It's a rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most patriotic sport? Flag football."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kathy: \"Wow, you have really gorgeous hair.\" Chandler: \"Thanks, I grow it myself.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two fish are in a tank. One says, How do you drive this thing?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you send your nudes in a compressed file... ...they have to unzip to see you naked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you about the guy that locked himself out of his car? He called the locksmith & the locksmith said “I’ll be there in 40 mins” Guy said “no,  I need you to be here faster.  It looks like it’s about to start raining and the top is down”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What‘s the best way to describe a narcissistic fisherman? Selfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a new word. Plagiarism.--- EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are snails allowed on ships? Escargot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pig A man walks up to his wife with a duck under his arm and says\"This is the pig I've been fucking\"Wife says \"that's not a pig, that's a duck\"Husband says \"I wasn't talking to you\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18 The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a loaf of rye in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the national bird of Iraq? A drone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night. I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with.  So, I've gotta ask....How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't we buy Viagra or Cialis from China? Because we don't want them messing with our erections."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ... I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common? A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once turned down a farm job because it called for haulin’ oats. I told them, “I can’t go for that.”This is my friend’s joke - original, supposedly.  Posting it here for feedback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mondays are like prostate exams... A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Judge Dredd arrested? He broke his arm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Another Monday Uggggg......Another Monday is near. All I look forward to anymore is laying down and relaxing on the couch after a long day of sitting upright and being tense on the couch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pillow warmer is a stupid idea… Use your head!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mosquito bit me 8 times. Mosquito byte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A soldier came home from Afghanistan When he sees his son, he started to talk about his war stories. “I killed 40men in Afghanistan, son.” He said.The kid replied, “But you’re an army chef, dad!”“But I never said I’m good at my job, did I.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Cologne and Perfume? Tssp tssp vs. Shhh shhh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.” “But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event. Well, 97.8% of us are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you say \"gullible\" slowly enough, it actually sounds like\"oranges\" Give it a try"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back. Its going to be called \"Liquor in the front, poker in the back\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend? Because she showed him no interest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Trumps Team end up at a landscaping business for the announcement? Because he was the Lawn Order president"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences. “Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?” One student raises their hand,“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the excuse the closeted necrophiliac gave his girlfriend for missing dinner? \"Was out having a cold one with the boys\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when an ambulance crashes into the side of a hospital? A medical breakthrough..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the giraffe say when it bites down a biscuit? A little goes a long way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I try to learn from my mistakes, but it's hard when they can't even wipe their own ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what’s really worth its weight in gold? Gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke on many levels What's gripping from start to finish?\"The Rock Climber's Guide to Masturbation on the climb\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just used a Saddam Hussein jelly mould.... I think I've set a dangerous president."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar Harvey says, \"Hey Bill, buy me a drink!\"Bill shouts back, \"I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: \"Help, a crocodile took my leg off!\" The EMT asks: \"Oh my god, which one?\"\"I don't know\", the zookeeper says, \" those bastards all look the same!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cow say to the butcher? Stop it, Or we'll have beef"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roofer with a perfect safety record? He never had a shingle accident."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a cafe and asks for a small decaf coffee with sugar and no cream The waitress leaves to fetch the coffee but returns a moment later.“Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream. Would you prefer no milk?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women talk less in february? Cause there's only 28 days"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad says the only difference between a good meal and a good time.. is where you put the cucumber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marine biology I was going to study marine biology dude. Turns out it was just a lot of maths. Really dude? What course?Algae brah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts! All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t astronauts need health cover? Because they are never under the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most comedians are good, trustworthy people. Yep, they're a bunch of stand-up guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bigfoot is sometimes confused for Sasquatch - Yeti never complains."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees access the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monica: \"Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.\" Chandler: \"How do you find clothes that fit?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We set up an event for amputees with amputees. And I was surprised to see... That the people in wheelchairs did most of the legwork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What not to say in an argument against a bald person? Hair me out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once littered in a forest and the only ones that saw me were a group of otters in the nearby river. I'll never forget the look they gave me as that plastic bottle left my hands. It was a look of otter disdain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Putin lands in a foreign country and approaches the immigration desk The border official reads through his passport and asks: \"Occupation?\"Putin: \"No, just visiting.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say, when he posted bail? I'm off the hook"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone else tired of how long it takes the USPS to mail a package or letter this time of year? It’s part of DeJoy of Christmas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election! It's called President Evil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!\" I was yelling at my pregnant wife.. But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats my knee's favourite channel? Dis-knee channel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently Boy George has... ... a pet lizard that bites people up to 5 times a day.He needs a calmer chameleon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people. After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man and a giraffe walk into a bar... They both get pissed drunk and pass out. The man wakes up, pays his tab, begins to leave and the bartender points and says:“Oi! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”The man turns and says:“It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone else ever have their cake day hit them out of nowhere and have no real joke prepared? Yeah me neither."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events. This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a 7' 2\" fortune teller in his underpants? A large medium in smalls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beer brewery manager on the phone with Mrs Jones: \"Afraid I have bad news. Your husband fell into a vat of beer this morning.\" Mrs Jones started weeping. \"Did he go quickly?\" \"He climbed out three times - but only to pee.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just walked past a sign that read, \"This fire door is alarmed\"... So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you start a Revolution on a budget? Using a Coup-on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: \"I've spit in it\".He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: \"Me too\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine Calcium and Iron? A cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bro can you help me name these information pamphlets Brochure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is do tech companies and drug dealers have in common? They are the only 2 industries that refer to their customers as ‘users’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My five year old niece told me this one... What do you call a 60 foot platypus? A platybus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my boss I think I deserve a promotion He said that's why I'm not the boss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Viagra Cocktails Mountain Dew + Viagra - Mount and DoJack Daniels + Viagra - Jack-Off DanielsSmirnoff + Viagra - Sperm OffBudweiser + Viagra - Nut Wiser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. \"You can't cut me down,\" the tree complains. \"I'm a talking tree!\" The man responds, \"You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's it called when a flower gives head? Floral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So NASCAR has decided to ban confederate flags at all events... Looks like all those years of turning left rubbed off on them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Flint MI? Pb and j"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head. She died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cannibals freshen their breath? Men toes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You guys was right about Donald Trump harming the environment He's already making snowflakes melt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying \"I TOLD YOU SO!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a baby last night. I woke up periodically, screaming in terror and confusion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the judge deny the ghost bail? Too much of a fright risk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy? Because he was a veteran Aryan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just this week I fucked a dozen chicks Next week, I'll try girls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a donkey cleaning your windows An ass wipe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19 He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Woo walks into a bar He orders a shot of Tequila"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two criminals stole a calendar They got six months each"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort. Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Carp is about to hit the fan. That's right, I'm going fishing in a helicopter!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 kangaroos walk into a bar \"Why in the world are there 3 kangaroos in the bar\" says the bar tenderThe kangaroos then wreak havoc on the bar as they are wild animals and belong outdoors where they can do wild animal things."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"A bull is standing at the border of the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?\" wen moon? wen mars?Godverdomme"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me \"have you ever been convicted of a felony?\" \"Does stealing a joke count?\" I asked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered, \"They're right behind you\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. \"You know, one would have been enough.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID... but I don't wanna spread it around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Daniel LaRusso is really turned on by smooth legs... Wax on, whacks off!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Microsoft hires regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation. It's a very PC work environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest... I'm not a fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dinner So, I’m having dinner with my Uncle at this chic restaurant. As he closed the menu shut, he says to the waitstaff “I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the assassin say when his co-worker got the promotion? I would've killed for that position lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Hindu friend is very peaceful. He has never had beef with anyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So this guy with three dicks walks into a clothier shop to buy a pair of tailored pants When the pants are done the tailor asks how they fit him.\"Like a glove.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Kevin Spacey and a Tortoise have in common? They're both trying to get somewhere before the hare does"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a surgeon/mailman Overall I do a lot of de-livering"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Hugh Heffner's favorite shape? A Rectangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just won a reward for most secretive person in the office I can't tell you how much that means to me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East It's titled A Kuwait Place"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old Niece told me this: What do you call a tooth that has been mashed? Toothpaste"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Giraffes can grow up to fourteen feet But normally they have only four"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain. Why is Ice so dangerous?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy phones reception at a Hotel. Guy: I need help quickly, my wife is trying to jump out of the window,and we are on the 14th floor.Receptionist: Okay calm down, do you need police and an Ambulance?Guy: No I need maintenance, the window won't open."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two grains of sand going through the desert Suddenly one tells the other: \"Dude, i think we're being followed.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of the PDF format died today The good news is we can confirm the Save to Cloud feature has worked correctly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grocery stores nowadays have amazing selection We have powdered milk, powdered orange juice, powdered eggs, baby powder..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers. When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.He than left, and never came back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A supervillain walks into a bank and says, \"I'm Mr Marijuana Frostbite...! ...and I'm a stoned cold killer!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working” “If your name is Michael, please stand up”  Then a couple dudes stand up  And he goes   “That concludes the mike check” stolen from twitter  @ cheyrubi"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application. First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .And now they want me to choose who i want to race with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!” In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias. The results were exactly what I expected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said... \"STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only CD shop near my house sells nothing but old albums. Guess there’s no hot singles in my area."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path! Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals. It's the TikTok tic tac tactic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's this amazing joke about Saudi Arabia's currency, but I forgot where I heard it Then I remembered that I found the Riyal joke in the comments"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Really tired today... Feels like I had a long March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you try to crossbreed a turtle and a dragon? You get a crushed turtle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen. She's completely dotty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit. A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit. The policeman approaches the window and the woman says to the cop:”I thought that you didn’t give ticket to pretty women”The policeman answers:”Actually, we don’t. So sign here please.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 buzzfeed writers walked into a bar What happened next will blow your minds!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had one dollar for every time someone complained about how rich Jeff Bezos is I still wouldn’t be as rich as Jeff Bezos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never understood why people hate Internet Explorer and Microsoft Edge so much I am always able to flawlessly download the Firefox Installer using them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: do u understand the importance of a period? 8yo: yes, once my sister missed her & my mom started crying, my dad fainted & my elder brother ran away from home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man exclaims, \"I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make.. ..the ultimate sack of rice.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky He gulps them down quickly.  Bartender asks \"What's the occasion?\"Guy replies \"First blowjob\"Bartender \"Wow, can I buy you another?\"Guy retorts \"No, if 3 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do farmers do in Alabama? Pump kin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a self defense course... I still don't know many techniques I kendo to defend myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Let's make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn't fit! What a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships? So they could Scandinavian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are they going to call the baby boom 10-12 months after all these people lock themselves in to hide from Covid-19? I don't know, but in 2033, they'll be quaranteens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s pink and sits on the bottom of the ocean Moby’s dickMy mom told this to me when I was maybe 10"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal! It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a part in my game where a plane was supposed to fly through but it froze in mid-air because of bad connection. I guess you could call that Jet Lag."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw 2 kids beating up a kid in an alleyway, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dalmatian puppies, but the only pups in my neighborhood are all white. I spotted one this morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring? One is nude in dye and the other died in new."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in the library, I found a book entitled \"How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems\" So I bought 2 copies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.” “Not even for coffee??”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my friend \"whats it like working at a tire factory?\" apparently it wears thin after a while"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having an argument with my friend the other day He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My first job was mending typewriters in a factory, boring job but... The other employees where great characters..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted... \"No!\" She said. \"Holding hands will be just fine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're a teenage girl and you need to visit the mall to get supplies for art class, just say so. Don't turn to your dad as you leave the house and say \"I'm going to the mall to get felt.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, \"First offender?\"The woman replies, \"No judge, first a Gibson, then a Fender!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, \"Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on\". I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For sale. Muhammed Ali DVD set. George Foreman Grill. Both boxed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich? Traffic Jam **My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What five letters are the most feared in the NCAA Tournament? COVID"}
{"character": "random", "line": "February is ending today, but that's okay. We'll March on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear. Otherwise we'd have a pandademic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently a teacher got arrested... Police found a pencil, ruler and notebook. Allegedly he was part of the Al-Gebra network and possessed weapons of math instruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:  \"I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m not surprised Robert Pattinson got Covid He’s wearing his mask wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Bill Cosby’s favorite Peter Pan themed cereal? Roofie-Os"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny: A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave. Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave. The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day Call that luck of the IRS."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do brass instruments have huge holes at the front of them? So you can have sax with them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son lost his first milk tooth today.. I hope that would teach him never to touch my PlayStation again .."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather sunk 5 U-boats in ww2 Easily the worst captain the kriegsmarine had"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us. My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Milk did it, but Tropicana wouldn't put missing children posters on their bottles. They said nobody wanted to hear that OJ is looking for kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They said a mask and gloves are enough to go to the grocery store. They lied, everybody else had clothes on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music. He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a prison full of kangaroos? Australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? Artificial Intelligence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's hard being an American Comedian in Iraq! No matter how many times I keep coming back I'm always bombing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You hear about the snail who had to call a tow truck? He couldn't make 'is car go"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Introduced my girlfriend to the family over the weekend, everyone was shocked... Specially the wife ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a sign in a shop window that said \"Watch batteries fitted, £2.50.\" I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging. I feel really bad eating good old Chuck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated... he burned for three days."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nintendo just announced they're changing Pokemon Sword & Shield to Pokemon Circle & Oval After Game Freak decided to cut every corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy building an electric vehicle in a tree I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he succeeds"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man on the street was trying to sell me a \"slightly used\" television... \"How can a television be slightly used?\" I inquired\"The old lady that owned it, she was blind in one eye.\" he said"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which school subject was the witch's favorite? Spelling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog \"5 miles.\" So that I could frequently say, \"I am going to walk 5 miles now.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the termite say after walking into the bar? Is the bar tender here?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'. Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan It's non-stick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend from Prague finally got his US citizenship approved. He is now a cancelled Czech!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure Well, they used to be anywayNow they're just buried treasure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you enlarge a centipede to 100x its normal size? A dollarpede."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library... Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What not to say in an argument against a bald person? Hair me out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ah,school stuff Teacher: Do you know the answer to question *B*?  Student: No.  Teacher: You need to spend more time studying.  Student: Well, do you know Sophie?  Teacher: No, why?  Student: **You need to spend more time with your husband.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... 'Can I join you?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl, are you the secant of angle Z? Cuz you sure are sec(Z)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German man goes on holiday to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions\"Name?\"\"Hans Schmidt\"\"Age?\"\"32\"\"Place of birth?\"\"Dusseldorf\"\"Occupation?\" \"No, jus... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the masturbating crab? He really came out of his shell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the alligator and crocodile leave the olympics so upset? They both cayman last."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world? 8 bucks.  Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage.. It leaves four little pricks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bet you can’t guess how I got out of Iraq I invaded Kuwait"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather got me an IPad for my birthday. My so-so grandfather got me a pair of socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting in a bar one day and two women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, \"Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?\" One of them snarled at me, \"It's Wales, dumbo!\" So I corrected myself, \"Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?\" That's about as far as I remember."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Donald Trump say to his wife Melania in the voting booth? Don't copy Michelle on this one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem. When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to believe there was an ocean of soda. Then I came to terms that it was just a fanta sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a cow that does somewhat decent on an exam? Medium well done.Side joke: It made very few mis steaks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to the soldiers who are supposed to be deployed to Iraq? They sit and Kuwait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a \"mystery object\" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call corn that joins the army? Kernel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example: \"Fishing stick\" instead of \"Fishing rod\"\"Tropical tree\" instead of \"Palm tree\"\"Ant-licker\" instead of \"Uncle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jack Daniels couldn't be with us this evening.... .....but he's here with us in spirit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend. I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd like to get the rights to show Miami Vice backwards I'd call it Miami Vice Versa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy. One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow.  The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dad who has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. \"So, what do you do for work?\" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster.\" The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately. “Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the turtle go to AT&T because he couldn't sprint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Billy is the perfect name for a newborn goat. As a child, it'll be \"Billy the Kid.\" As an adult, it'll be a \"Billy Goat.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two surgeons are in an operating room... One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”The second surgeon replies “suture self”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old niece told me this one. What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?(•_•)( •_•)>⌐■-■(⌐■_■)An investigator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self.P.S. I know, it was super cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after sex. Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently got fired as an architect An earthquake came and the building collapsed because it wasn’t stabilized and I said it wasn’t my fault"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, \"when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer.\" The drummer retorted, \"and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just opened a Sandwich & Pancakes restaurant! I named it “Not all Heroes, We’re Crepes”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: I'm cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner - it's 90 degrees!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can't be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I'm not dead yet!'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many abominable snow monsters does it take to screw a lightbulb? Just one, but you have to believe in it first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb. Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Jaguar and a Leopard? Thousands of miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't witches wear underpants? To get a better grip on the broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\" The man stammered, \"Yes.\"Bang!  The robber shoots him.He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\"The husband quickly responds, \"No....but my wife did!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident? a wrecked angle(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey. So I took a photo of her hair!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I am thinking of climbing Mt Everest again. My alter ego: Really? How many times have you climbed Mt Everest so far?Me: Not once yet, but it is the seventh time I have had this thought."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Snoopy has officially been retired from comics. He was tired of working for Peanuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, \"I really want children. Let's make some babies.\" Betty Goat responds, \"Hell no. No baby goats for me...\" \"I'm not kidding.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two friends met after a long time. First one said: my wife is an angle. Second one replied: You are very lucky man. Mine is still alive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies… Well first it tied them, then it beat them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a Roof get Chickenpox? It already has the shingles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen complain to the store manager about her photocopier? She didn't like its tone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched... God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath... I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments. Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends. I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.” Ok Broomer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward? What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?Ag I tat Ed. I'm veeeerrrryyyyy agitated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An elderly couple go to the doctors. The doctor says to the man 'I need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample.'The old man, a little hard of hearing, says 'What did you say?'The lady leans in to her husband and says 'He says he wants to see your underpants.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300. I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad turns to his son and says \"Masturbation causes blindness.\" Son replys \"Dad I'm over here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Welsh father is hitchhiking with his son when he comes across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence The father says to the son \"Watch this.\" and proceeds to undo his zipper and then makes love to the sheep. When he is finished, he steps away from the sheep and says to his son \"Your turn, son.\" The son sighs before sticking his head in the fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bathroom Humor So what do you call a Turd that's over 18 inches long and unbroken?An accomplishit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. \"Not at all\", I replied. \"What are the odds of both of us being killers?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I set Blur’s Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week... Except for Wednesdays, when I’m rudely awakened by the dustman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a single piece of Tortellini called? Tortaloni"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet. How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you know that Mortal Kombat was based on a Scandinavian song? Son: Wait, really?Dad: Yes, a Finnish hymn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An 8 year old girl went to work with her father on 'Take your kid to work day' As they where walking around the office the young girl started to cry. Her father asked what was wrong. As a crowd gathered around her she sobbed ''Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Hurricane Tyrone say as it made landfall? Where the white beaches at?!?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Star Trek forum exists where Trekkies can debate additions to the universe's lore. It's called Prose and Khans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix human DNA and Gorilla DNA? Kicked out of the zoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Karen walks into a library She goes to the librarian says,\"I want a Big Mac and a Coke please\"Librarian looks at her puzzled and says\"This is a library Miss\"Karen replied,\"Oh yes sorry\"(whispers) 'I want a Big Mac and a Coke please'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do Salads try on clothes? The dressing room"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did i do to escape Iraq? IranDon’t worry this story Israel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an actor thats a program? What do you call a guy thats an actor and a program?Matt Daemon Tools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world? 8 bucks.  Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, \"Mypenis,\" and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, \"Error. Not long enough.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does 69 differ from a family reunion? During 69, you only see 1 asshole!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We lost power at work today due to someone hitting a transformer. I never heard if it was a Decepticon or an Autobot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Windows was unable to establish a network connection\" \"would you like to go online to find further assistance?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, \"I need to have an outfit washed.\" The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, \"Come again?\"The blonde said, \"No, it's toothpaste this time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend? To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right. Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf. I haven't heard from him since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm? The CIEIO."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which school subject was the witch's favorite? Spelling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the king of all school supplies? The ruler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can't tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can't find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted? Nothing, because he was already stuffed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Lucifer eat for breakfast? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When i have a martini shaken not stirred, i always add a viagra It might not make me Daniel Craig, but it will make me Roger more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Hitler get his niece for her birthday? An easy bake oven."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China. Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young mosquito returned to its mother. How was your flight dear? asked mom.It was great mom, everyone clapped for me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls. But these are just miner details."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants? Best place to get Soba."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Farmers would make great writers. They really know how to work a plot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. \"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket\" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. \"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go.\"r>The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.Game warden: So where are the fish?Fisherman: What fish?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "my aunt ruth died in a horrible explosion they couldn't even find any body parts to put in the casketthe funeral was ruthless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them. I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family did a poll: Should we get grandmother a large deer? In the end it was a unannymoose decision"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving behind a BMW in which the driver was signalling all the turns ... If you own one and your license plate is CJKM6144, your car has been stolen!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a blow job and a hamburger? If you don’t know the answer then I would like to take you to lunch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a gamer look out for during match making? Backwards Compatability"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner” “I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't believe Canada is real. I think it's all maple leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel... The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnelThe realist sees a light approaching into the tunnelThe train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railwayEDDIT: u/mandrous's critic accepted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the CSI team get called to the set of the Purple Rain video shoot. They needed to dust for Prince."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages? Because it was the time of knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is sodium's grandmother? Na^(2)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid walks out in a Tortoise costume,why are you wearing that costume?” Mother: why are you wearing that costume?Kid: I’m going to that costume partyMother: isn’t that next year?Kid: yeah, but I’m a Tortoise..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purrrrple. OC from my 6yo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply? Pb & J."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur. Call it *Mulan Rouge*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A question for every single person on earth . . . . . . What's it like being single?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest? A clam bake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them? Ass skin for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was recently the victim of a drone attack. I forgot to wear my beekeepers veil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pillow cross the road? Because it was cooler on the other side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Laughing on the internet is not allowed It’s against the lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "PRIEST: you may now read the vows you have prepared ME: I think I misunderstood the assignment\"just read what you have\"ME: ok [deep breath]... A E I O U"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing. Et al."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The newly released BMW M4 had faulty turn signals It took the new owners 4 months to notice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem. I think he's very wrong.Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.Edit: thank you for the titanium kind strangerEdit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking? LinkedIn Park"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist  Tooth hurt-y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 buzzfeed writers walked into a bar What happened next will blow your minds!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Hitler's girlfriend and a female farmer? One bails her hay and one hails her bae."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a bunch of anti-maskers are kicked out of a store? A coronal mass ejection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: I love my women like fine wine. Woman: To enjoy them after dinner? Man: Secretly and securely hidden in my basement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do mother kangaroos hate it when it rains? Because the kids have to play inside"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My music teacher at school told me never to hit a drum again or I could get in serious trouble. I did, and he was right. There was serious re-percussions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them? Gorilla Warfare."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of that brothel by the port? I believe it's called \"The Land Ho!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are sitting in a tank, one turns to the other and says... \"You man the turret, I'll drive\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My leaf blower doesn't work. It just sucks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend. I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane It was my phyto-flight response"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity... And then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m allergic to crocodiles on t-shirts I’m lacoste intolerant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really like going to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but.. I just wish they would make me a fresh plate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandad went down in history. .....he also fingered someone in geography."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bakery can only calculate the size of circular cakes... if their pie are squared."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick... She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name... Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space We don't seem to have established a functional continuum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Polar Bear Cub Walks up to its mother\"Mum, am I part Brown Bear?\"\"No dear\"\"Am I part Black Bear?\"\"No dear, your all Polar Bear\"\"Grizzly? Panda?\"\"No why?!\"\"Because I'm fucking freezing!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is a decent joke but it's relatable at least Cool quantum physics fact!When cooled, helium becomes a superfluid! To get to this state, it has to be cooled to a very very cold temperature. About -270 C!That's almost as cold as my bed every night ;-;"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my first shot. I’ll get my second one as soon as I get the bartender’s attention"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles I told him they wouldn't make any scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Aquaman and money market investors have in common? They prefer liquid environments."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing It would definitely spice up my autobiography."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of asexuals are playing cards one, the dealer, says \"I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanda lost sight of her life after the events of Infinity War Thankfully, she fully recovered her vision."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway... It's a this order disorder disorder disorder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[joke about Minecraft] Why can’t the Ender Dragon read a book? Because she always starts at the End."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was JFK's head put on the half dollar? Because no one could put it back on his body"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a little girl walk into my store today wearing a shirt that said FINISHER 2019... I said sweetie, that's a basic achievement, FINISHER 2020 is the real achievement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's my job to talk them down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel. “$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job”, says the man. His friend asks “How much for the pussy?”.“Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bar of gold walks into a pub The bartender says \"Au get out of here\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked \"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?\" Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!  \"Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long\" replied the old man with joy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just scattered my Grandfather's ashes... I wish he would empty his ashtray himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts? BoOoOoOoOobs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most beautiful Italian flower? The Spaghett-me-not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read an article on internet.... and it said that 3 of the most common hereditary diseases in the world are- diabetes, hemophilia and infertility."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bolt say to the nut? \"Washer? I don't even know 'er!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts? That's the spirit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s tighter than a dead virgin? My alibi"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandpa left band because he was embarrassed to empty his spit out of his instrument... He played guitar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse. Don't worry, it's in a stable condition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Stewie used to start a lot of fights That's why everyone called himBeef Stew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig with fleas? Pork scratchings ( I think that  might just be a British thing so sorry if it is)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've compiled a list of the top 10 click bait articles on the internet Number 7 will shock you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, \"It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor.\"Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The price of lumber has gone up so much... That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato? One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother was extremely anti-Union. She always used to tell me that things “won’t get better if I picket”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the molecule say to the atom after he got in trouble? I’ve got my ion you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Person 1: Hey, you wanna guess the coldest temperature? Person 2: OKPerson 1: well?Person 2: OKPerson 1: ... are you going to guess?Person 2: OK!Person 1: Are you okay?Person 2: No I’m actually about 37 C"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Praying mantises don't actually pray, laughing hyenas don't actually laugh, and songbirds don't actually sing. The name Shih Tzu is accurate though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me. Boy, eyelashed out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the chemist feel about oxygen and potassium hanging out? OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead in a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the leader of the hot dog race say to the others? You better ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes-the others were 7's and 8's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about Nirvana, but Nevermind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother in law began to address the elephant in the room I asked her why she was talking to herself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate. And anyway, the punchline's too long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the Kardashian family taking a swim in the ocean? pollution"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had to quit my job at the watch factory. The guy sitting opposite me, kept making faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did they call Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books? Author"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend used to run a hotel, but now he runs an Airbnb. I asked him if this change in job gave him any new challenges. He said no, it’s entirely inn keeping."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the policeman say to his bellybutton? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I almost never do 9/11 jokes... Because when I do they have a tendency to crash and burn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two options for keeping a budget that always has money. Add a zero or move the decimal point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an all you can eat meal in a rabbit hole? A Warren Buffet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked an old man: \"Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?\"The old man replied: \"I forgot her name years ago and I'm scared to ask her!!!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Limmerick from The Crown on Netflix There once was a girl named Sally Who enjoyed the occasional dallyShe sat on the lapOf a well-endowed chapAnd cried \"Sir! You're right up my alley.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If i get a dollar for every time i masturbate. Nutting can stop me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm into group sex, but often confuse the names of the women. Nvm, Sharon is Karen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter lost her first tooth today I bet she won't touch my X- box again !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "when i was growing up. our tv had a bunch of channels My favorite channel was \"Broil\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self-driving cars will never work right. No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jesus was filling in a form. The question was \"Do you suffer from Tourettes?\" He wasn't sure whether to put a tic or a cross."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We lost power at work today due to someone hitting a transformer. I never heard if it was a Decepticon or an Autobot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: “Participation trophies are bad. It rewards people for losing and is unfair to the winners.” Me: *slowly takes down his confederate flag*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me, \"how do you want this to be put away?\" I told him \"baguette\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mum told me she never really liked the angles in a square. I said \"ehh, they're alright\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last week I was invited to play in a golf tournament At first I said, 'Naaahhh....' Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought......... Damn -- I could win this thing!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An artist, an engineer, and a scientist walk into a bar. Thee barkeep says \"What'll it be, Leonardo?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)? Morose Code."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace I said \"Look at that escargot!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them.... We are a very tight knit community."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mondays are like prostate exams... A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle? The Polar Bear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the deal with Drake, first he was an actor now a rapper? Must have been all degrassi was smoking.I'll let myself out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did God say to all the animals during the Greaf Flood? Don't worry. I Noah guy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Todays weather forecast… S                 O      e  S      H                     W         RScattered  showers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross a road with a railway? A railway crossing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac? One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations. But no one rubs your balls and says good job?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out? He had a total meltdown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grandmother said to her grandson, \"The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young.\"He replied, \"That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet But they usually only have 4"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot? Get out of my face!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump is a genius threatening to attack historical cultural sites in Iran He knows that the Iranians won't find any of these in the US to retaliate"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad would lock us on the closet for hours at a time. He told us it was elevator training. Today, I was in an elevator, I nailed it!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With the beauty shop finally open after many weeks, there is a huge crowd of people all jostling for position to get in... They really need a hair traffic controller."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa has been reading all your posts. Most of you are getting dictionaries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the tragic crash of the small plane into the cemetery? So far they've recovered 324 bodies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So today I had an idea for an invention because I was bored. A belt made out of watches. After I finished connecting the watches to one another I realized something.It was a big waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February march? No, but April may!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get shot in the army? No, son. I only got shot in the leggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't suffer from insanity-I enjoy every minute of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, \"Don't worry, it'll grow on you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a writer's favorite train station? Penn Station."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, \"sort it out yourselves.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a man lies about his p*nis size? A Phallacy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend asked Robert Plant why he didn't like reddit He answered: \"I couldn't get no silver, I couldn't get no gold...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two farmers meet at their fence line. They start arguing about who is the better farmer as they compare crops. They wave down a passerby and ask, \"sir, who do you think is a better farmer?\" They looks at them and says, \"It's hard to say, you're both outstanding in your fields.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cops have released a statement on the discovery of \"Glory Hole\" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house. Police are looking into it. And are preparing a probing investigation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you work at a water bottle factory It must be difficult to not drink on the job"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. \"You can't cut me down,\" the tree complains. \"I'm a talking tree!\" The man responds, \"You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events. They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did East Germans sing before the Berlin Wall fell? Under Prussia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician? A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up? Oh My Gourd!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"We're losing him!\" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery \"Not on my watch!\" shouted the surgeon.And he runs out of the operating room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a Microsoft advent calendar... But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The two men were in an argument about iPhones vs Androids It was quite the deviceive issue!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This guy was claiming that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air tells a lie? Will's myth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common... They both look great until they hit the ice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This one was from my daughter after dinner. What did the linguini say to the spaghetti squash?IMPASTA!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce. They just don’t communicate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't be with a guy called stew.. I don't like people's leftovers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s drakes favorite note? A minor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an illegal game show? Steal or No Steal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods Robert Frost remarks to his wife \"We've got miles to go before we sleep\"And his wife replies \"Well maybe if we hadn't taken the road less traveled by we'd be there already\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!\" said Papa Bear. \"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!\" said Mama Bear.\"Please stop fighting,\" sobbed Baby Bear. \"It's Christmas.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "English Professor: \"While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative.\" From back of class: \"Yea. Right!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never get school shooting jokes. Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the doe say when she came out of the forest? I'll never do that for two bucks again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked into a gent's bathroom... and saw a guy wearing an american flag at the urinal.I asked him 'Hey are you American?'He replied 'European''yeah, I know, but are you American?'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb? None, they're too busy wishing people a happy cake day..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Introducing digital “crypto” humor. There is no set up. There’s no joke, and there is no punchline. You have to just trust that it’s funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, \" 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?\"The man replies, \" like a glove.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between a piano, a keyboard and a bottle of glue? The piano doesnt need electricity, the keyboard does."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no “You can taekwondo”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three Chinese friends Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United StatesIn order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu..... decided to travel back to China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once lied in biology class and told everyone I could touch the tiny hairs in my nose - They all laughed. I'd never felt cilia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the next two days you can call me Edward... I'll be snowed in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Deer customer, You are a deer, get the hell out of here, you’re spreading your ticks everywhere, thank you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense. Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Matter cannot be created or destroyed nor can it be returned without a receipt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"It baffles me, that bacteria can thrive, even when being turned into cheese. It seems like a such a hostile environment! Then again... \"Life finds a whey.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem. When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you cook kale in coconut oil? Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have just started a relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding but quite challenging though... It took months to get her husband's voice right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my husband whether I’m the only one he’s been with He said yes, all the others were 9’s and 10’s.Send bail money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If fire and water are both elements, what is steam? Better than Epic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just adopted a dog from the local blacksmith but as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's typically the warmest part of a room? A 90 degree corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for... Couldn't get a straight answer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The car looks great but the muffler seems exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man talking to his Wife. Husband: Babe Do you believe in Heaven.?Wife: Yeah, why.?Husband: When we die, would you like to meet up with me in Heaven.?Wife: Fuck off, the deal was until death do us part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Pepper go to prison? A-SALTI made this joke years ago, I hope y'all like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common? The whites are useless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "News: Trump inauguration met with record high temperatures. 451 degrees Fahrenheit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you mix a cat with wool? Mittens"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had Indian food for lunch and almost choked on it Talk about a paneer-death experience"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man caught his sister masturbating with a cucumber. Man: \"Eww! That's my dinner! You're making it taste like cucumber!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Samuel L. Jackson is in a field surrounded by 100 rakes. \"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER-FUCKING RAKES ON THIS MOTHER-FUCKING PLAIN!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Colts' QB was on your fantasy football roster You're officially out of Luck this season."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague? Now we just have to call him Dav."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you cook kale in coconut oil? Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing. Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry. The game has similar themes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y’know, one would have been enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tramp, seeking shelter on a freezing night, knocks on George and the Dragon Inn. A hefty lady answers the door and her expletives send him scampering. Desperate, he tries again minutes later. \"May... may I speak to George, please?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything..... I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather inspired me to be a writer He died choking on a peanut butter sandwich. I will never forget his last words: \"Happy pen... happy pen...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell a dinosaur is an herbivore? They will tell you within three minutes of meeting them and remind you every fifth sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new book about Helen Keller is absolutely incredible! The audio book is absolutely unintelligible though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a polar bear's favorite food? (Multi-questioned) ICE-cream! -What is a black bear's favorite food? Blackberries! -What is a grizzly bear's favorite food? Campers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked **0000 0001 0002 0003 0004**  …"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of course JFK was a Rick and Morty fan. His brain was so big that it covered an entire car, after all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the American temperature doctor? His degree was in Fahrenheit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Quick tip on how to get lots of views on your Reddit posts Label it NSFW and repost (credit to a dozen other people)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled \"I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife.\"A voice from the back of the room called out \"you need more ammo!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war? You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS members' dick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife walked into the bedroom to find me pulling off my boxers. She told me I spoil the dogs too much."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do women and saxophones have in common? They both blow and make different noises when you finger them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Chinese restaurant that got destroyed? Biggest case of Wanton destruction I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'. I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies. I think she's dumpling me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, \"What's black and white and red all over?\" \"Wow\" I replied. \"You speak English?\"She replied, \"Just a riddle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I almost never do 9/11 jokes... Because when I do they have a tendency to crash and burn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button. It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a three-wheeled car and the american economy? The car crashes less"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scarabble letters on the road. I asked him \"what's the word on the street?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment? Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup. I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got a B in my computer programming class Call that a C++"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do electricians periodically call their parents just to bad mouth them? So they stay grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just quit my job working in a shoe factory It was sole destroying"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What looks like half an apple? The other half."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Let's make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell by someone's home if they're a highway robber? All the signs will be there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts use to do their makeup? Vanishing cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was a lovely wedding, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the air conditioning popular at school Its very cool"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is? A right angle. It's always 90 degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local off-licence has started hosting a book club. First up is Tequila Mockingbird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Beyonce's favorite letter? o o O o o o o o o o o O"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!” “Not this time, your dog died.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone asked me if I'd ever given a sterile guy a blowjob, so I racked my brain trying to remember if I had. Alas, I just kept drawing blanks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast? Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains? A riceist.(It sounds better when you say it aloud)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging. I feel really bad eating good old Chuck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple? He was a rebel without a Claus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crop do metalheads grow? Korn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why twins are sexual deviants? They cum in pears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a chestnut and a walnut? Depends on the amount of foreplay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Batman get out of religious jail? He had to pay Christian Bail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick. It was acoustic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?    Billy Jeans!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you induce a current in a wire by counting to 10? By mathematical induction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law’s life support system. I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are you on the Mediterranean Diet? Because I see a lot turkey and grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs. Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper... The bartender says “hey buddy, you have a steering wheel on your zipper!”Pirate says “arrr, it’s driving me nuts!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] What’s Another Name For A Necrophiliac? Ghost Rider"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke between the woodpecker and the owl? *knock knock* Hoo’s there?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are two blondes fighting over, on a motorcycle? Over which one gets the window seat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The blind construction worker at my school accidentally pulled the fire alarm. I don't think the fire alarm was a drill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area. I'll be known as The Drone Ranger."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the beach next to the power plant closed? Because it is spark infested waters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A little boy with Downs runs to his dad to show him a drawing he made... \"Excellent son, good job!\" The dad says. \"I'd rate this 47/46.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donate one lung and you’re a hero I donate 7 and I get arrested"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son swallowed several coins the other day. I've definitely seen some change in him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything... but eventually it made scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a polar bear's favorite food? (Multi-questioned) ICE-cream! -What is a black bear's favorite food? Blackberries! -What is a grizzly bear's favorite food? Campers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda. Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching a fighting scene and I told my dad “I couldn’t jump that high if my life depended on it!” And my dad replied “but what if a bowl of ice cream depended on it?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines? Adults"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call re-arranging the layout of your network? LANscaping."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a dietician for one tip on how to lose weight Dietician: don't eat anything fattyMe: thanksDietician: you're welcome fatty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did one lamb friendzone the other? She didn’t want to ruin their friendsheep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent 20 years searching for a genie’s lamb, but to no avail I fear I shall never cure my dyslexia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me: \"would you sell me for a million dollars?!?\" I said \"never in a million billion years!!\"He asked \"what about 2 million\"I said \"are you kidding me?!? In this economy? Sorry little man\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”“Vladimir Putin”“Country of Origin?”“Russia”“Occupation?”“No, no. Just visiting.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. \"Why would you want to do that?\" one of the board members asked. \"So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers... Succeeds"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when... ...commercial Oil tankers are attacked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Japanese people get married. They have a baby boy.A few years later the wife and child both get the same illness. So the husband takes his wife and child to the hospital.He asks the doctor: “What’s wrong with Mii?”The doctor replies: “The same thing that is wrong with Yew.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there? A pigment of your imagination"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can't say I'm suprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were Dracula's pancakes so terrible? He got turned into bat-ter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can one bird make a pun? No, but toucan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it's too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Carp is about to hit the fan. That's right, I'm going fishing in a helicopter!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do all the naughty pancakes go? Flipping Hell!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "on the beach W.C. Fields was walking on the beach one day when a beautiful girl passed by. Fields tipped his hat and  said, \"Hello my dear, how's your ass?\"The girl looked at him in disgust and said, \"Shut up!\"He said, \"Hmmm... mine too. Must be the salt water.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Kraft - 7 rings. Robert Kraft:- 2001 Super Bowl Ring- 2003 Super Bowl Ring- 2004 Super Bowl Ring- 2014 Super Bowl Ring- 2016 Super Bowl Ring- 2018 Super Bowl Ring- 2019 Prostitution Ring"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Englishman named \"One-two-three\" and a Frenchman named \"Un-deux-trios\" challenged each other to see whose cat could swim across the Channel first... After a grueling competition, One-two-three won after Un-deux-trois quatre cinq."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE? At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by. I was never meant to be a hearse driver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango They're going to call it \"Tide Pods - Natural Selection\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious. Nobody saw me. Anthony Jeselnik."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns? Her, She"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An African American woman named Bethany goes to the butchers to see if they have any beef. \"No, black Betty.  Ham or lamb\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One man cannot change the world ... Unless obviously he eats an uncooked bat soup, then by all means!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation? Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man born on the seashore? Son of a beach"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a train wagon full of babies and a train wagon full of sand? You can't unload sand using pitchforks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11? A supreme liter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Hallmark, Roses are red, violets are blue,Your cards are shit and your movies are too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem? Disappointment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a person looks through your window at night it’s a “Peeping Tom,” but when an animal does it... ...It’s a Peking Duck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian? Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm writing a book about all the things I really ought to do in my life. It's my oughtobiography."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried marrying a melon... But apparently we cantaloupe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out? A molar mass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working! I don't go in my kitchen anymore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting. I think I am understanding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work It's a counter strike"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael They didn't have his sai's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am a master of forgery. I have all the certificates to prove it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know you are not allowed to come to France and buy any bears? All french bears are ours"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does the architecture school's principal send bad students? To the suspension bridge.This joke can't even hold itself up..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out? I think they would really bond"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's the only soldier who doesn't have to give a salute to a 4-star general as he passes, and can give an order to that general and be absolutely certain that it will be carried out immediately? A bomb tech specialist at a dead run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain... ...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of dad jokes? A Pundemic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between drumming and sex? You can drum your fingersbut you cant finger your drums"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made my first snowman today... It was so white it's already been nominated to Trump's Cabinet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People have no respect for others time nowadays Some guy asked me to go sacrifice goats to satan in the woods and they didn’t even show up, incredibly rude."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a book on anti gravity last night. I found it quite difficult to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: \"I've spit in it\".He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: \"Me too\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that people like self deprecating jokes Too bad I am not good at them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank...... Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.  It's a total rip-off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what is the difference between a sad ghost and an angry cow? one boos sadly the other moos madly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They're always hogging the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes-the others were 7's and 8's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but ... I have a sore throat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft."}
{"character": "random", "line": "These are the hardest to pull off. You have to wait until the setup comes to you before you can strike."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They fired the guy who invented the wheel... He was cutting too many corners."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash? Because he didn't knead it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock. Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the kid in the wheelchair get bullied? He was easy to push around"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a child born out of incest? Gross domestic product."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What color is the wind? Blew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing? Rigor tortoise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served. The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the network engineer sad? Because his career is in bits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, \"wanna hear a joke?\" The second dog says \"sure!\" The first dog says \"knock knock.\" The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a detective without his intestines? No Shit Sherlock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buzzard gets on a plane with a rotting rabbit carcass. The flight attendant says \"You can't bring that dead animal on the plane.\"The buzzard replies \"It's OK. That just my carrion.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Gates met Arnold Schwarzenegger at a party. He asked him if he had upgraded to Windows 10 yet. Big Arnie replied:Ah still love Vista baby..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "hard to find coins, hard to find killer... A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A vel-crow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "HELP!! Squirrels are chasing me! They think I’m nuts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tennis factory was recently established near my house. They’re making quite the racket"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called? A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales? Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,\"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?\" The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'.   'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the right leg say to the left leg? Don’t talk the guy in the middle. He’s a dick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench? The NBA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages. Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why we rarely see male live streaming masturbation like camgirls? Because the stream ends in 2 minutes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jussie Smollett told me he was feeling bad about recent mistakes... I told him not to beat himself up too badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. \nShe slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” \n The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn't matter”' she said. “Just get out.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night i opened my window and let all mosquitoes in. Then i slept outside. This is called confusing the enemy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cartoon character curses the most? The Road Runner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to do a lot of tap dancing but I kept falling in the sink"}
{"character": "random", "line": "President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year. What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to the coin shortage the restaurant didn’t give me any change. It’s non-cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the Kardashians swim at the beach? Because plastic is bad for the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun? .......Luke-Warm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandson Talking to His Grandfather: \"Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?\"Grandpa: \"I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was an ex 'flat-earther' He finally came around"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a huge can of alphabet soup for dinner last night This morning I had the biggest vowel movement of my life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rest in peace to the water I just boiled. It will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I headed out before dawn today and braved some insane crowds, to snag some Black Friday deals. The only thing I think I scored was a case of COVID-19."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t astronauts need health cover? Because they are never under the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the molar 1 say to the wisdom tooth? Ouch! Move, oral get you extracted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen and Magnesium went on a date Everyone was like “OMg!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first day of school, I signed up for Math, English, Science and Geography.. The rest, as they say, is History"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds do when they become rich? They make it rain!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Reversing the car) \"Ahh, this takes me back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t believe it, someone stole all the light bulbs in my house? I was de-lighted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom? Because the 'P'  is silent.I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch. Then a lady came by her and said, \"If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady.\"Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of printer do pigs use? An oinkjet printer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids? A traffic cone.*what did you expect?*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donate one lung and you’re a hero I donate 7 and I get arrested"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mother In Law A husband and wife had a fight.Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "so now it’s cool to walk into the bank with gloves and a mask but when i wanted to do it, it was a felony"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything..... I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business. Here's the Amazon link to it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did my cat know tomorrow's weather? He looked at the fur-cast"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... 'Can I join you?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are discount circumcisions a bad idea? It’s usually a total rip-off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves. Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a person looks through your window at night it’s a “Peeping Tom,” but when an animal does it... ...It’s a Peking Duck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa won't be the only one coming tonight although i'll probably stop after the first stocking is full."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why weren't there any famous gun slingers in the Canadian West? Because they all wore mittens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not a big fan of shower sex. The drain hurts my penis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, \"your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother.\" And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard ...found my mom's body.Smh worst day of my life, I loved that turtle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my father's side. But since the operation, now he's my uncle once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a masterless, Italian Samurai? What do you call a masterless, Italian Samurai?Mac: a Ronin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista. It was a regular French roast.*edit \"went\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point. She was shocked I wasn’t a period."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system? Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls... ...So now he has fiber optics."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a rainbow when it breaks the law? It goes through the prism system"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Awwww If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea? \"Get your shit together\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cat Cousins (OC) Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin?He followed lynx in his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With all this self-quarantine going on, in 9 months there will be a baby boom.... ...And the top baby names will be Covid and Corona."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed it’s tooth? The dentist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store. You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was air drumming some Metallica at a stop light. I lost a drumstick out the window and quickly changed to Def Leppard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself 'Why knot?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother. She's an animal in bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Response To The Stupid \"What's The Difference Between Jam And Jelly Joke\" Reposted Every Second Day Your mama must have fed you jelly, 'cause jam don't shake  like that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said... “Yes we are, son.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who passed away because he consumed too much food coloring? He dyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts like to ride the elevator? It lifts their spirits  happy spoopy day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it. \"What did you do?\" asked his brother.\"I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!\"\"Were the people nice to you?\" asked his mother.\"Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture..... But when I got home, the tables were turned"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] Vaxx joke to help break the ice **For those of you who are worried about the Pfizer vaccine, know that they make Viagra too!** If they can raise the dead, they can save the living!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts. There was no sign of a struggle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of biscuits fly? Wee plain ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cockroach in my home just came out of the closet. I was shocked at first but I made sure that it felt supported and loved no matter what or whome it loved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I? >!Gum!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the calendar afraid? Its days were numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it's corny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds do when they become rich? They make it rain!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, \"I don't know. It all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which type of monster is the best dancer? The Boogeyman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common? they all help make a really convoluted joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin' numeral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Officials have found a brain-eating Amoba in the water supply of Washington DC. Officials are worried After all, there's a good chance the Amobas will starve to death"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Mother In Law, Don't teach me how to bring up my children.\n\nI'm living with one of yours and they need a lot of improvement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't use Cops to protect the Capitol building! Use barbers and hairdressers, the threat of a shave, shampoo and haircut should have most of them running for the hills!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do train conductors need most in the world Self a steam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb he threw a huge party, everyone was invited it was well lit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between the truth and a conspiracy theory? About 6-12 months."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? Weeeeeee!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off... But that made him a little more sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "an old arabic joke my uncle told me a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospitalthe doctor told him: \"just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury\"he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When it comes to choosing between weight lifting or cardio workouts, I always choose cardio. Cause it helps me in the long run ;)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask..... Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller,   Beating it....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 4 year old daughters joke: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A Dinosnore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?\" Grandma replies \"Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Muslim couple visit a restaurant known for serving exotic food. As they peruse the menu, the husband exclaims, \"Wow! That gorilla burger sure looks good!\" His wife looks up in surprise. \"That's haram, bae!\" she admonishes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive they would eventually find me attractive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, \"Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, \"For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid. I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: \"No one expects te spanish inn physician. \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a banjo player and a squashed toad on the side of the road? There is a slim possibility that the toad was on its way to a gig."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food... ...I am like I am single because I have strong hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Spiderman when he parks his car? Peter Parker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic? A Juand"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking about how a persons conciousness forms and what happens to it when you die... Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from consciousness Joe?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements? The atoms family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happenes when you beat up an electrician? You get charged with battery"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad used to own a donkey that would draw his cart... ...but he sold it for a horse that did watercolors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a chick magnet The repelling type"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z... My friend said, \"Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!\"I said \"Yeah, this isn't even my final form!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation? **Pencil-vania!**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a knockoff Hasbro toy? My Little Phony"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who needs 100 rolls of toilet paper? Overheard in a local supermarket parking lot:    *6 adults pass by pushing carts overloaded with toilet paper*   KID: Why do they need so much toilet paper daddy?    DAD: Coz they're assholes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jimmy brought his kitten to school, he told his teacher his father was going to kill it \"I overheard Dad telling Mum that he would eat that pussy after I leave for school\"\\-from a colleague"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most popular form of martial arts in Israel? Jew - Jitsu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store? Edit:OMG thanks for the silverEdit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the goldEDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you ever encounter an evil witch show them the periodic table They're good at chemistry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?” He answered, “No, just visiting”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got mad and said I've been driving her her husband to drink for the last six months.... What does she expect, I'm a cab driver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was out shoveling snow with my kid the other day... He kept whining about why I wasn't using the shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do Cow Farts come from? The Dairy Air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 tips for a happily married life.... Keep quiet when your wife is talking. Don't talk when your wife is quiet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round... It’s fucked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a hyena's favorite cookie? Snickerdoodle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell an African from an Indian elephant? The ears. Lift them up and whisper “Where you from?”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun? .......Luke-Warm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth... is such a first world problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Daniel Day Lewis and a Mexican Salamander? One acts a little, one acts a lottle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What's he going to change next-his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? I really shouldn't be spreading it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you spell the words \"Absolutely Nothing\" backwards, you get \"Gnihton Yletulosba,\" which ironically means...Absolutely nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thankful for all the health care workers during this pandemic Without dem, it would be a panic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!  It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chemistry Poem Oxygen U played Hydrogen Tech and the game had just begun,when Hydrogen racked up two quick scores while Oxygen still had none.Then Oxygen scored a single run and thus it did remain,at Hydrogen 2, Oxygen 1, called because of rain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NEVER fight a cougar Just give her a fake name and sneak her out in the morning"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most acidic soup? Ph0"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What noise does a Nintendo ambulance make? Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background? I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called to be stuck in a card game Solitairey confinement"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the NPR segment about how it’s rude to ask how heavy people are? “Weight? Weight!? Don’t tell me!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer. “Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that  Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself.. .. this isn't for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents  50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons like knights? The come with their own pans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is relative humidity? The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar. And all of Reddit gave it an upvote."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red,violets are blue If you were expecting a generic meme fuck you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which month do wives complain the least? February because it has fewer days."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is a lot like avatar Aang. In the sense that he dissapeared on me when I needed him most."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the grizzly who didn't like his daughter wearing a crop top? He disapproved of her exposing her bear midriff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best I won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did. All of mine sucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the husband is the head of the family, then the wife is... The neck. Because she can turn the head anywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do penises and semi colons have in common? I often put them in the wrong places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m always playing with it. I always have it in my hand. I pull it out at family parties or hanging out with friends. I’ve been known to just whip it out in public, at the park, at the playground. I’m talking about my phone, you sicko!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US? Agent orange, duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three logicians walk into a bar The bartender asks, \"Do you all want a drink\"?The first one says, \"I don't know.\"The second one says, \"I don't know.\"And the third one says, \"Yes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young cow runs crying to her mom... A young cow runs crying to her mom...\"Momma, a bull came down to mate with me!\"Momma: \"No need to cry my child. It's perfectly natural.\"\"But momma he insisted on sucking on my teats because it gets him in the mood!\"\"He did What? How dairy!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light? fiber optics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the French call marijuana? Oui'd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother was a founding pioneer for the Weathertech products. She had clear vinyl on her furniture"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China Online What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?Lo Ding"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Statistics show that 73% of people don't have enough fibre in their diets. Ah well, tough shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'? The Price of wood is so damn high....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the last virgin in Afghanistan? The fastest goat in the fucking country"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between jam and jelly? Jam is made from whole or cut up pieces of fruit with sugar.Jelly is made from only the fruit juice and sugar.Did you think I was going to say \"I can't Jelly my dick up your ass\"?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a goat that likes cleaning? A roomba-a-aa-aa.(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 deer are talking together when another animal comes by, the animal says \"don't worry, I'm not going to eat you\", so one of the deer responded saying: \"He's lion\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said \"36C\" She proceeded to slap my face and said \"What the hell is wrong with you?!\"My response was \"Why the hell would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state was Sarah Palin governor of again? \"Alaska.\"No, don't worry, I'll ask her myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stomach was sad... because everything it tried to make turned out to be shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a \"mystery object\" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone called me lazy today I almost replied..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A paranoid schizophrenic was arrested for killing 17 pigeons in a local park. He wasn't arrested for murder, or animal cruelty. His actual charge was for the destruction of government property."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thank you weight loss surgeons What you do takes guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do actors do when they make a mistake? They react."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered, \"They're right behind you\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, \"When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.\" \"Oh yeah?\" the son retorts. \"Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Orion's belt the worst constellation? It's a waist of space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media When every American knows that America is the best country in the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the oyster share her pearl? She was shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend recently worked at a sugar refinery factory... until his position was dissolved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the botanist do every time he was in a slump? He turned over a new leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue. (punchline)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team? They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my wife tried to tell me that I'm in denial... So I told her to go back to school and learn geography because I'm standing nowhere near a river in Egypt"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver! As for your platinum and gold, spreddit, you won’t regreddit!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parenrs were very principled people... When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson....about brand loyalty._ credits to Anthony Jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?... Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Jamaican burn his dick? Jerking it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Professor X: what’s your super power? Me: hindsightProfessor X: that’s not going to help usMe: yes I see that now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say 99% of the population is stupid... I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way, Would have been knocking boots with his wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple gets into an argument... The next day when the wife comes home, she sees her husband has covered himself in oil.\"What are you doing?\"\"Well,\" he says, \"Yesterday you told me I never glisten.\"*\"Listen,\"* the wife says exasperatedly. \"You never *listen!\"*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly? Viola."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Jesus never play hockey? He was always more of a Lacrosse guy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot. Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think Germany was the best prepared country for Covid-19. They already have a tradition of greeting each other at a distance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, \"Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?\" Little Johnny quickly replied, \"NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A meth addict tried boxing for the first time yesterday. He got hooked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a group to play basketball and then discuss philosophy It's called \"shoot first, ask questions later\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets are violet Start getting it right, or I'm getting violent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL there are over 20,000 battered women in the U.S. everyday... I don't know if I can ever go back to eating them plain..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning Seems he was their favorite rabbit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Man send back his rabbit stew? Because there was a hare in it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a milking Stool only have 3 legs? Because the cow has the Utter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the huge sale they just had on canoes? It was quite the oar deal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, someone stole a few of my Rap CDs. Oh well, no biggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I grilled a chicken for 2 hours. It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pence made sure he was well dressed for the debate. His tie was adjusted, his collar was fixed, his buttons were buttoned, and most importantly... His fly wasn't down"}
{"character": "random", "line": "No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shark was swimming around looking for food... ... and he catches a squid.   The squid says: \"don't eat me, I'm really sick!\"So the shark says: \"fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you...\" The shark takes the squid to his friend and says: \"here's the sick squid I owe you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wifeless fisherman who can worm a hook in two seconds flat? A master-baiter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born. To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the strict grammar teachers break up? He forgot to use a colon, she missed a period, they both hated contractions, and when they think of their future life, it's only a parent they see."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene It doesn't add up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow? Because it’s In defence of bull!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle I responded, “That’s not right.”With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold down the pillow long enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I go into a drug store, the pharmacist is usually high. Why are many drug stores constructed with the area behind the counter a few steps higher than the rest of the store?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between school and prison? In school your afraid of the work that’s hard. In prison your afraid of the inmates that are hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job, quality control at the strobe-light factory. I'm busy working like a cunt, and everyone else is just fucking standing still."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet. They were publicly desemenated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers? A: Because they make no cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This old guy I knew would always say, 'You know what really burns my ass?' He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, 'A fire about this high.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble. Disneyland sucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I woke up confused and unable to smell I feel like nothing makes scents anymore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ... what a kind jester!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With all the bombings in Kabul, Afghanistan, authorities are planning to rename the city They’re aiming for Kabum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are a lot of scams on the internet... For a low price of $69 I can show you how to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The local Ice Cream man was found dead on the floor of his van, covered in nuts, sprinkles and sauce. The police think he topped himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of music does bubble wrap not like? >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!P... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do potatoes get to space? Using the starch ship enterfries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the White crayon say to the Black crayon? We make a GRAY team!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan... Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam. He said, “You have to try to relax, It looks like you’re two tents.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius. Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year. Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's Ji-Sung Park's great, great, great, great, great grandfather? Jurassic Park"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my parents were \"debating\" at the dinner table the other night Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men.  I'm seeing a double standard here.  Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women?  What is he called?Dad: Smart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Introvert and the bank So an introvert goes into a bank and decides they need some money. Hesitantly, they walk to the counter. After the teller greets them they immediately respond with, \"Hi, can you leave me a loan?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange have so much trouble forming a rap duo? No one rhymes with orange."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you tell a group of people who recently seceded from their country due to disagreements over the right to pee? You're a nation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job? going cold turkey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t stop laughing at pictures of mountain ranges They are hill areas!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just farted on my wallet Now I have Gas Money! *Told to me by my 9 year old daughter,  who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I filled a steam engine with Holy Water. The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!They named him Ravi O. LeeSorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2021 I will create a business called “Resolutions” It will be a gym for the first two weeks of the year, then a bar for the rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle I rode on, ruthlessly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is a deep fried rodent’s favourite actor? Chris Pratt"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally had an entire set of amiibos, except for one Zelda character. It was my missing link"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Greek mythology class is killing my GPA. I guess you could say it's my Achilles' elbow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robin hood gave a poor man a bag of gold “Here, poor man,” Robin hood smiled. “Take this bag of gold, I took it from a rich man.”“Thank you so much!” The man said as he got a little teary. “Now I’m rich!”Robin hood turned back to the man. “You’re what?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the late '80s, NBC's most popular sitcom was the Cosby Show, with ALF not far behind. Knowing what we know now, I guess you could call their weekly ratings battle Alien vs. Predator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One fisherman said to the other: \"Using bait during fishing isn't necessary\". The other fisherman said: \"that's debaitable\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I put 10 people and 1 mosquito in a room... ... the fuckin mosquito will still get out of the room to find me instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers? With relish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter? PEW PEW"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have just started a company manufacturing over-sized sinks... Does anyone on here mind if I give it a massive plug?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today a flat earther friend of mine told me the earth was as as flat as my sense of humor. I told him his girlfriends ass would've been a better comparison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment? Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did it take John Rhys-Davies so long to get married? Bad dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does wire wool come from? Sheep metal (my apologies)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge says \"After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week.\" \"Thats very fair your honor.\" The husband said \"And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I offered my old air mattress to a homeless guy today. He got real excited, until i also offered him my air guitar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest.... It’s so sad. He had so much potential"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Neo have to eat his cereal with a fork? Cos there is no spoon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When can you add your bottle to Wikipedia? When you fill it from a reliable source."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Mortal Kombat character walks into a store.. Employee: \"Finding everything okay, sir?\"Character: \"Yes, I'm just Lui Kang.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a band who will sing songs in the style of Boy George that publicly shame bad behavior and call for boycotts of questionable opinions... ...It's called Cancel Culture Club."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas The brunette says : \"I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace.\" And then the blonde says : \"What do you do when you run out of children?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments. Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends. I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beethoven gets on the stage and the crowd goes wild. “Are you ready to hear some music??”“YEAH!!!” “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you treat a burn with topical cream but then you wash your hands: “Man, now I have to do that Aloe Vera again”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My visa to visit Afraica got approved. Now I Congo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on holiday in Germany with the wife ...and we went to a cafe. After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Horse Walks into a Bar A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey fellow, why the long face?”The horse, incapable of understanding the English language, shits all over the floor and leaves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An alligator and crocodile both walk into a bar. Sitting next to each other, they both order the same drink. The alligator spits out his drink claiming it to be disgusting. The crocodile looks at him claiming it isn't that bad. The alligator looks at the crocodile and simply says one thing: \"Well that's a croc.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss? A conga in an old people's home"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two options for keeping a budget that always has money. Add a zero or move the decimal point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pig A man walks up to his wife with a duck under his arm and says\"This is the pig I've been fucking\"Wife says \"that's not a pig, that's a duck\"Husband says \"I wasn't talking to you\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a nudist beach... and I saw a man walking by wearing nothing but his glasses.And I thought, \"What does he do when his glasses get dirty?\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history Is in the past."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a nun on a mobility scooter? Virgin mobile(Credit: TheScrubKing)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A salesman knocks on a door... A teenage boy answers the door wearing heels, panties, a bra and has makeup on. The salesman says, \"um, are your parents home?The kid says,\" What the fuck do you think? \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took saxophone lessons for six months... ...until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end? (credit: Tommy Cooper)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have been playing this interesting game with my niece recently. And you just lost it too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room They talk to the child laying there,“ are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime“The kid in a raspy voice replies, “ So a short one?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Let's play strip poker. You can strip, and I'll poke you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer? Thanks, Obama."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday Reddit, Hulu and Xbox live was down Must have been a boring day for the staff at BuzzFeed. They couldn't play Call of Duty and insult each other, watch cartoons or even copy and paste more stories for their website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crop do metalheads grow? Korn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my new Simpsons shirt is a knock-off It says “don’t halve a cow, man”. They really butchered the catchphrase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist... but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life. Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that I was going to stop running around my local roads and join a gym instead. “Why?” she asked.  “You’re in much better shape than you were before, and it hasn’t cost a cent!”“Yes” I replied, “But I’m tired of having to outrun that fucking coyote.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a sweater and a jumper? Sweaters are hoping someone will talk them down from the ledge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "r/Jokes founder nominated for the Nobel peace prize Because they’ve created world’s most dedicated recycling community."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I see the new Ford Bronco is coming out soon. I bet the glove compartment is absolutely killer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine bought an old plane, took the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant. I don’t think it will take off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch's motorcycle make? BROOM, BROOOOOM!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a self-employed, work-at-home guy during the pandemic I'd like you to meet the employee of the month, Dick!Please stand up and be recognized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Mountain Dews are sitting on a counter. One Mountain Dew is almost empty and the other is fresh out the ice box The fresh Mountain Dew looks to the old Mountain Dew and notices he looks upset. He asks “What’s wrong?” The other drink responds “I can’t dew this anymore.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been sucking up to my boss at work to get a raise, so I told her she looked nice and I liked her perfume. She just started screaming and yelling \"how'd you get in my house!?!\". Now I'm in a cop car.  Think I'll still get it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway. This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "MTV turns 40 this year. Thanks for 14 years of music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The ninja turtles and master splinter were found dead in their lair... The police ruled the deaths as sewer-cides."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos; Which is going to be extremely hard..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "American Pharoah wins the Triple Crown, this is a historic moment... It's been 37 years since someone owned horse semen this valuable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation. I'm running out of thyme!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was a bad idea doing tacos the night before the big meeting. Everyone looked shocked when I accidentally farted loudly. I looked back at them, just as shocked.  After a moment, I broke the awkward silence, and said,\"Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle? A: Attire!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A slipper!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A slipper!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was Sherlock Holmes' favorite protein source? Mystery meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "English is not my first language. My American girlfriend texted me, \"myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative\"What is a ternative?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to. Where Anne Hathawill,Anne Hathaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, you know what that means... I dropped them trying to carry all my laundry in one load"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I donated to a group trying to make all cows go extinct. It’s a no bull cause."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my... Tenants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "P1: what's the difference between a baby and a toothbrush? P2: i don't knowP1: well, I'm never letting you babysit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places. For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Conversation between me and my wife during stay home period. Her: Would you like anything to eat for dinner?  Me: What are my choices?  Her: “Yes” or “No”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Timmy comes home from school and notices a note on the table. \"We are going to the grave yard.\" - Love, GrandmaNext to it is another one that reads: \"We will come back.\" - Grandpa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it. \"What did you do?\" asked his brother.\"I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!\"\"Were the people nice to you?\" asked his mother.\"Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings in a park? A walk in a park."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding. That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Denmark: \"We will kill 17 million minks by 2021.\" China: \"I killed 20 million in two weeks.\"World: \"You killed 20 million minks in 2 weeks??\"China: \"Oh no, sorry, I must've misheard you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of Lynx? A chain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two kittens are sitting at the edge of a slide. Which falls first? The one with the lower mu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON” The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I had so many olives on my plate. I told her it’s because I didn’t eat olive them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, reposting is lame, [this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad >!I was tossing all night!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do hermit crabs say when they answer the phone? Shello"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the high potato say to the russet potato? I'm baked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain. The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.The lookout replied, \"Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good.\"The captain responded, \"Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the \"ca-hoots\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument. He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant He said: it’s naan of your business"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just thought of one but maybe borrowed. Always wondered why there's a lot indian doctors in gastroenterology. Let me go ask my friends Pooja and Harshit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks in with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper... His matey asks, \"Aarrr, why is there a steering wheel coming out of your pants?\"The pirate respond, \"Aarrr, it's me wife, she drives me nuts.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of girlfriend a potato wants? A sweet potato Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment? Owlcatraz"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house. I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are women so bad at parking? Because they are constantly told nonsense about what 20 cm\\* is like.\\* about 8 inch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody set an alarm... ... To wake up green day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a jumper and a sweater? A sweater doesn’t go splat after falling 40 stories..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t... It’s my longest running joke of the year so far..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two miners walk out of the mine after a hard days work, one carrying a shovel and the other a stick. The one carrying the shovel turns and asks, \"Where's your shovel?\" And the other responds, \"sure does\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to make a team for a Pro Hide and Seek Game But good players are hard to find"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part about an unexpected box of Crayons? It's out of the blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is more environment-friendly: Facebook or r/jokes? Facebook produces too much plastics while r/jokes has 100% recycling rate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself 'Why knot?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD. Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?Blonde 2: My DVD player"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets are blue, If I looked like you, I'd be in a zoo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an argument that suddenly changes topics? A debate and switch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a match box? No, but a tin can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That's one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It's a freebie.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can't be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I'm not dead yet!'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Reese eat cereal? Witherspoon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does Dracula keep his money? A blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife. They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Relationships are a lot like free streams... you have to go through a lot of Xs before you find what you are looking for"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started playing tennis recently. on the first day I had to tell my tennis partner \"I can't grasp these balls\" he asked why not. I said \"I'm used to holding a shuttle cock\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke from Slovakia The earlier post reminded me of a joke my brother saw in a newspaper when he lived in Bratislava.Two guys are sitting on a couch watching television.Buddy: Hey, do you know how to play the piano?Guy: I don't know, I've never tried!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If time traveling was common, what historic event would be a tourist magnet? The birth of Jesus. All the hotels in the area would be fully booked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one math book say to the other? \"Don't bother me. I've got my own problems.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Click here for spoilers MicroorganismsHumidity LightHeat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space? One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need. 2B or not 2B, that is the question."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget? The Secondhand store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine how happy barn owls were .... when people finally started making barns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit's logo should be a bit more green. To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection? Because either-net works when he’s catfishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The giant monster cannibal was eating a large amount of people, he asked why he started feeling sleepy after eating a group of women who were out drinking. He asked his other giant monster eater friend why he felt sleepy He said, “because that’s a bar bitch you ate.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mosquito bit my balls last night Got my balls sucked,later virgins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend asked why I never used condoms I said, \"My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner. However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam? They both get stoned after sex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the long tailed game bird whos boyfriend suddenly proposed to her? She was pheasantly surprised"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a chemical factory worker? Write down the word *'unionized'* and ask them to pronounce it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does america always score top on shooting in the Olympics? Because we train in the best schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two farmers are arguing over their produce. Farmer 1-\"That's my grain!\"Farmer 2-\"No that's my grain!\"A third farmer a bit aways walks inFarmer 3-\"I'm getting migraine just listening to you two idiots yell at each other\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "mrw browsing front page [removed due to copyright]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked \"why is that book so thick?\" Then i told him \"its a long story\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two pancakes were talking. One said to the other, waggling his eyebrows suggestively, \"hello.\" The other said \"ugh, get away from me, you crepe.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who specializes in selling insurance to hand models? A digital security specialist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig who just lost at a game of tug-of-war? Pulled pork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the water sing at 4 degrees celsius? - Lets dense !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy at a Halloween party had a girl on his back dressed in green. The host asked \"who's that?\" The guy answered \"that's Michelle.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be. No need to keep reminding her every hour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: ‟Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking”Mick : ‟Ill come back when you are sober Doctor”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Erik the Red wanted people to come and live in his new found ice covered land so he named it Greenland."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened.. The Dentist told her she needs a crown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an element that always complains? a lament."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandad went down in history. .....he also fingered someone in geography."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I went for a walk with a beautiful woman Then she noticed me, so we went for a run"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are like drums. They make noise when you hit them with sticks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call walk-in closet in Spanish? Armario de Joaquín"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a blow job and a hamburger? If you don’t know the answer then I would like to take you to lunch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does it take longer to get from st to nd base, than it does to get from nd to rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I touched an open wire, what happened next will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My anatomy class is covering the nervous system and I don't get any of this stuff. It's so nerve-wracking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Prison Why is The White Guy Scarier Than The Black Guy? Because the White Guy did it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do vegan zombies eat? Grains"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An atheist comes into a mall And there is no parking spot, so he says \"God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian\".Two minutes later he says \"Nevermind I found one\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] What is the ornithologist with binoculars doing on the nudist beach? Looking for Great Tits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt. That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the French never order 2 eggs? Because one egg is an oeuf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about paper? Good that you haven't, it's tearable!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fisherman say to the magician? \"Pick a cod, any cod.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump? George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.Donald Trump can’t tell the difference"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa, So i Madagascar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher He now has a beef with me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did... ...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place... ...Tell that to the crab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a band who will sing songs in the style of Boy George that publicly shame bad behavior and call for boycotts of questionable opinions... ...It's called Cancel Culture Club."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The government will send a martial artist after you if you violate copyright law IP Man"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman lent a blind man 100,000 dollars The blind man said: I’ll pay my debt when I see you.The blind man returned 1 week later. He pays the 100,000 dollars back and says:The surgery went well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's China's favorite makeup to wear? Concealer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say drinking one beer a day can prevent you from having a psychotic break, which is great... ...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s an owl outside and we’ve been talking for around 20 minutes. Mostly about who’s who."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never Date an Atom They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... \"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!\"The guy at the counter said \"Your stance is too wide\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two crabs wouldn’t share their food That’s shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just discovered there is an award you can give that doesn't require buying any coins! I've been handing out orange and blue arrows ever since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Simon was in a car crash with his uncle..... Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was savedbut lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his loveof music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an STD that loves makeup? Glamydia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle prayed to God to solve all his family's problems God answered his prayers.My uncle's funeral is next week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards I thought to myself, \"Thats just Spam\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A manager of a food mart comes home after a long day of work. \\*conversation at dinner\\*Manager's wife: I've been wondering how you deal with all the people refusing to wear masks. How?Manager: Well, I manage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bookstore and asks, \"Got any books on turtles?\" The shopkeeper replies, \"Hardback?\"The man says, \"Yeah. And little heads.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Down the rabbit hole I went down the rabbit hole to find myself.Then I went up the rabbit hole to find myself arrested and banned from the petting zoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady is giving birth. After she pushes and pushes, the baby is born. Doctor: \"Mam, I have good news and bad news. Lady: Give me the bad news first.Doctor: your baby has red hair.Lady: Thank goodness! What's the good news!Doctor: It's stillborn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store. One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6.9 is my worst and least favorite number That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crocodiles. He hate them. Ever since his father was killed by a crocodile, my cousin couldn't stand the sight of crocodiles. Whether its TV, in pictures or even stuffed animals.He can't even stand the crocodile on brand logos. He's just become very Lacost-intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, \"I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out.\" \"Fine with me,\" said the dentist, \"but I'll have to adjust the chair.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the Presidential ventilator called? Forced Air One"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother has been teaching me how to make my favourite meals, but there's one that I just can't seem to get right. I'm great at lasagne, fantastic with casseroles but as soon as I get my hands on minced beef and beans..It's chilli-con-carnage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a russian bird sleep? IN A COMMU-NEST"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on holiday in Germany with the wife ...and we went to a cafe. After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The earth's not flat, it's a mobius strip and no one can disagree Because after all, we're all on the same side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teddy bear sits down at a restaurant The waiter asks, “Would you like anything?” The bear responds, “No, I’m stuffed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Alternative nursery rhymes Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes? A warthog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy phones reception at a Hotel. Guy: I need help quickly, my wife is trying to jump out of the window,and we are on the 14th floor.Receptionist: Okay calm down, do you need police and an Ambulance?Guy: No I need maintenance, the window won't open."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa Claus is near I can sense his presents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life? Element three, my dear Watson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Doc get such a good selling price on the Delorean? It was only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him ... Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop.  The mans answer?  “You try pushing it”!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What music do mummies like? Wrap music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do owls say when they go trick or treating? Happy Owl-ween."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted? Nothing, because he was already stuffed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I emptied a bottle of leftover hair-dye down the toilet. Shit got dark pretty fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone talks about their stepladder. I grew up with a step stool. Never knew my real stool... But that's okay, everyone tells me he was a piece of crap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the selective Ghost only haunt Bars and Pubs..? ... He's addicted to Boos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last week I was invited to play in a golf tournament At first I said, 'Naaahhh....' Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought......... Damn -- I could win this thing!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Slim Shady ask the class on his first day of teaching at music school? \"Hi kids, do you like violins?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000 **Papa John:****Accountant:** 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes **Papa John:** And that's...**Accountant:** *(sighs)* 258,000 pizzas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. \"Not at all\", I replied. \"What are the odds of both of us being killers?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an extremely tense argument with my wife, the house was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Things got a lot worse, when I saw the grenade flying towards me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When we have self-driving cars, I’m pretty sure . . . my wife will complain about its driving too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still remember my grandmother’s last words. ‘What’re you doing with that pillow?’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you tell a grave robber when they're tired? Dig deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having trouble reading the paper the other day . . . . . . so I went to the optimist and he said everything was fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the destruction of large acres of lands? A massacre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The day before our family holiday my little brother locked himself in his bedroom. I was worried, so I asked him what he was doing.He said, \"I'm packing.\"\"Fuck off,\" I replied. \"It's only about four inches.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know trees poop? Well, where do you think #2 pencils come from? Sorry, thats was crappy. I’ll leaf now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called \"Radiator Springs.\" That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal? Five guys"}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT for stretching your food budget Cut a minute steak into 60 pieces.  Then everyone can have seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She: \"Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup....\" He: \"Oh, you don't need makeup.\"She: \"How nice, you are so sweet.\"He: \"You need plastic surgery.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust. Me: Oh, man thats terrible. Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The mind that calls Covid-19 \"the Chinese Virus\" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple \"Tim Apple\" on live television. The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have hooves Instead of feet? They lactose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Evangelists don’t need health care. They’re on the single prayer system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: \"Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?\" His answers were just as brief:\"Hut, Hutt, Hike!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've quit my job at the helium factory. Nobody talks to me like that!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you care so much about my mental health... ...then gimme some brain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Coronavirus has its own YouTube channel now. Already 8,931,812 followers and counting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just passed my Canadian citizenship test. I got an Eh plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Floyd Mayweather vs Logal Paul boxing match was definitely staged.... I think Floyd hit his wife harder honestly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man in camo underpants? Nobody saw him coming!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Uncle Ben has died. That’s it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eminem is that guy in chemistry class that raps the whole periodic table. But skips Oxygen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If women are diesel engines Then men are starter motors. Good for about 30 seconds of action before they need a 15 minute break."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable. It was an autobiography…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Common English Mistakes Common English Mistakes-mixing up there, their, and they're-using the wrong too, to, or two-putting commas in the wrong place-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches-using apostrophes for plurals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Eevee evolution that specializes in melee? Bludgeon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does an accountant get rid of constipation? He works it out with a pencil"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom Because they’re all dead"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three old friends are walking on a beach, when one turns slightly to the group and says: „It‘s windy today!“„No, it‘s Thursday!“ replies the one walking in the middle, looking a bit confused. „So am I! Let‘s have a beer.“ adds the third one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanna be a fiction writer later in life. So I'm studying journalism."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hockey: periods. Football, basketball: quarters. Frisbee golf? Eighths."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that the \"o\" in Irish names denote that you're a grandson My great-great-great-great grandfather was Reilly, Vehiclepiece. I'm O'O'O'Reilly, Autoparts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drake must miss being on tv Because he seems to be auditioning for How to Catch a Predator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running from the ball!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a disease that makes you uncontrollably tell airport jokes. No cure… it’s terminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Weathermen in my area are warning of purple rain this afternoon And later on in the evening it looks like there will be some violet storms moving in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you seen the floods in Paris? It's inseine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "College student climbs into the back of an Uber and asks the driver \"Do you have room up there for a pizza and a six pack'? \"Sure\" said the driver.So the kid leaned forward and threw up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If someone pushes you off a 100 story building, how long does it take you to get to the bottom? The rest of your life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why people think \"War and Peace\" is a tough read. It's only 3 words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline \"The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse\". When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror. And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself \"Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at the library the other day when I found a book called \"The Power of Positive Thinking.\" I thought \"What good could that do?\" so I put it back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet? Chewing gum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there's a new Bread simulator game on Steam.. It's a great game if you're just loafing around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon? A pheasant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Horologists probably never get tired of hearing the same repeated jokes when they mention their profession. They deeply appreciate things that happen like clockwork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was a bad idea doing tacos the night before the big meeting. Everyone looked shocked when I accidentally farted loudly. I looked back at them, just as shocked.  After a moment, I broke the awkward silence, and said,\"Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As my wife-to-be strolled to meet me at the aisle, looking beautiful in her wedding dress, I could tell something was wrong... She told me she was going to kill me... It was a thinly veiled threat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why..... The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love animals. Yesterday I saw a baby bird that had fallen from its nest up in the tree. I wanted to get the bird back up in the nest so it can be safe. It only took me three throws.- Stollen from Norm's new show."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :( I can't get any, anywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? Ass crack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents are rich... Edit: I’m rich and I need a shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the word \"scent\", is the S or the C silent? Not even *sc*ience can explain that..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a phobia about cards. But I'm dealing with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provalone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the skinny butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say it’s frowned upon in society to talk poorly about the Jews.. They say its bad Jew Jew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a friend whose favorite element is potassium. I personally think it's \"just 'K.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Colorblind uncle My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A poem In days of oldWhen Knights were boldAnd toilet lights were dimYou'd hear a splash and then a shout'Oh no! He's fallen in'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character My daughter Chewbacca, not so much"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory. (Original, I think) Police have identified a sole perpetrator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in my gun and my badge * Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me. Its felt like a sine from God"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is working at McDonald’s like being an archaeologist in Athens? Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a YouTube video about the violence I endured as a writer on board a U-boat Just hit subscribe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide So near, and yet sofa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife always cheats when we play board games Just last night, we were all playing Monopoly in the den and she was next-door fucking the neighbor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who is fluent in 3 languages and marginally conversant in 4th? Pi-Lingual."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do vegan zombies eat? Grains"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were having a huge argument... I took off my glasses and said, \"I don't even want to see you right now!\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "if someone is wearing a gap shirt .. point to their shirt and say “there’s a hole in ur shirt!” when they look down, say “never mind it’s just a gap”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey... Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to hide your important files from people without making Hidden folders 1. Go to your Desktop and make a new folder named Internet Explorer2. Change the folder's icon to Internet Explorer3. Keep it in your favorite corner of the desktopNow, no one will open internet explorer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young country girl (Mary) was walking down through the village with a large bull Mr Jones stops her and says : Young Mary, where are you taking that beast?Im taking him to farmer Giles so that the bull can mate with his cows. She repliedCan't your father do that? Asks mr JonesNo sir, says Mary, It must be the bull that does it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish. You might say a New England clam chowed her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I passed by my son's bedroom, I heard him praying \"God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Hamburg the capital of Germany.\" \"Son,\" I said  \"Why do you want Hamburg to be the capital of Germany?\"He looked at me and replied \"Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally was selected to get the COVID vaccine but I had to work. I missed my shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie. But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a vacuum cleaner? The Harley holds the dirtbag on the outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the Autocorrect of an Alabama man word it when the man wants to demonstrate his happiness about something? Fucking Niece"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which appliance is the worst to have on a boat? The sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the corner shop - bought four corners"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, That makes two of us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell if a vampire is sick? See if he's coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour... On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter & jelly Never mind I'm afraid you'll spread it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst thing about going up the stairs behind someone? The ascent.  (Ass-scent)Thanks to my daughter for that one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't Spoil Endgame Friend: Now I know how Endgame goes down... some idiot kid loudly spoiled it to everyone today.Me: So... who died?Friend: For starters, the kid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As my wife-to-be strolled to meet me at the aisle, looking beautiful in her wedding dress, I could tell something was wrong... She told me she was going to kill me... It was a thinly veiled threat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner It was definitely worth the transaction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Male kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a scotch and starts talking about the good old days when nobody was on their phones, when video games were for the rich, and the ozone layer was whole. “Ok boomer”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.” The tree was stumped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins? Society"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Germany announces a new health ministry to aid in combatting COV19 From today, all research dedicated to battling COV19 will be carried out under the Robert Cough foundation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paid multi-story car parking... Wrong on so many levels..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour. It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the last virgin in Afghanistan? The fastest goat in the fucking country"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mythical milkshake? Legendairy(credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the judge deny the ghost bail? Too much of a fright risk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had me a Barack Obama valentines day. Obama self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do colors laugh? Hue Hue Hue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as \"personal lubricant.\" They really loved ancient grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just thought of one but maybe borrowed. Always wondered why there's a lot indian doctors in gastroenterology. Let me go ask my friends Pooja and Harshit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is EU like a frying pan? Because Greece is stuck at the bottom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Failed my biology test today... They asked, \"What is commonly found in cells?\" Apparently \"black people\" wasn't the correct answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic. Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Royal Dentist Joke Two peasants are having a chat and one says \"Why did the king go to the dentist's?\"The other peasant, confused, says \"no I don't, please tell me\"The first peasant then hits him with \"to get his teeth crowned!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, \"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size.\" \"Will this help?\" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. \"Oh, yes,\" he answered. \"Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours.\" \"Will there be anything else?\" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. \"Now that you mention it,\" he replied, \"she also needs a bra and panties.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a job canning drinks at a factory but have recently quit It was soda pressing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had one dollar for every time someone complained about how rich Jeff Bezos is I still wouldn’t be as rich as Jeff Bezos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions Well, color me surprised!also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a really dumb zipper? A zipshit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy without a condom is like a knight without a shield He's either really good with the sword, or he is really thirsty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Lion and a Tiger escaped with a Jaguar from a British zoo. They were caught 15 miles down the road when the Jaguar broke down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar. And all of Reddit gave it an upvote."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were sitting in the living room enjoying a bottle of wine. Out of the blue she said, \"I love you. \"\"Is that you or the wine talking?\" I asked her.\"It's me.\" said the wife. \"Talking to the wine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which course did Hillary Clinton select when playing Mario Kart? The short circuit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was red in awe of orange? Because orange blue green."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My body looks as if it were chiseled from marble I'm not muscular whatsoever I'm just really white."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the husband is the head of the family, then the wife is... The neck. Because she can turn the head anywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have been playing this interesting game with my niece recently. And you just lost it too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder... Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you find a bomb that blows up when stepped on, please let me know. It's mine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator... ...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you set your digital location to Skyrim? You use NordVPN"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs. If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A famous serial killer made a music video of all of his killings but the drum track was lost and unable to be duplicated. I can’t believe he killed all of those people without any re-percussion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me what time my dentist appointment is “Tooth hurty”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to open a perfume store... I'd call it: \"Common Scents.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Act like a parent. Talk like a peer. It's called peer-enting.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we \"be positive,\" but it's just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, \"Bach, Bach, Bach...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police. For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, \"Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!\" at the top of your lungs... This will make you the person who calls the shots..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sports channel does Lando Calrissian watch? BESPN"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Daenerys from Game of Thrones married Khal Moro instead of Khal Drogo, guess what she would've named her biggest dragon? Moron."}
{"character": "random", "line": "English is a wierd language Noses run and feet smell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup. I leaned over and said, \"You're single arent you..\"She says, \"Yes, but how did you know?\"I said, \"Because you're ugly as fuck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors. But sometimes they come in handy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the favorite tool of a dad biologist? A pun nett square"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Mr. Spock give hand jobs? Because his Vulcan grip will make you limp."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are. I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give to a lemon in need? Lemonaid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Met a Fellow Who Wore Green, and Had Stolen a Pot of Gold. Turns out he was a Leprechaun-vict."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?    Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the Star Wars Lovers Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice.... Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about those ISIS tunnels in Afghanistan? [removed]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen I heard she was a massive DMX fan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you... If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and has four wheels? It's grass, I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Elton John hates lettuce? He’s more of a rocket man"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife They were his Catlery"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people? You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the head say to the brush? Comb over hair. My thanks to my niece who made this up. She is seven. Pretty good imo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Is a plastic surgeon He specializes In hand jobs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater... It was too big a whisk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane? MAST DESTRUCTION!!!I'll ~~see~~ sea myself out..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was in court with the ex wife over who'd get the kids in the divorce, she told the judge about the time I flew into a rage a threw an enitre trifle at her So of course she got custardy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a pilot’s favorite kind of bagel? Plain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guess what I found in the creepy old professors closet Narnia business"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The brain is the most important organ in your body \\- *According to the brain*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is something you can get for free in New York? Matches and middle fingers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? Weeeeeee!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You better call early if you want a reservation at the library today. They’re usually fully-booked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender. And bonus, Donald Drum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do train conductors need most in the world Self a steam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to me and says.. ..\"Why are you making a fire around the pot of water you are in?\"I say \"Sorry, just trying to build my self a-steam.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've started selling tiny notebooks The margins are pretty tight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the US military use digital camo? They turned down the graphics for better performance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a nun who has a tendency to go around wearing a horrible garment made of German sausages It must be her Wurst Habit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... \"I'm scared\" said the little girl.\"You're scared?!\" Said the man. \"At least you don't have to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shellfish Action movie star? Jean Claude Van Clam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Queen Victoria didn’t do such a good job keeping drinking water away from toilet water... but it was still frowned upon to cholera fool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral. Unless you are a football team manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It turns out that it really would be a good idea to add Trump's face to mount Rushmore because of geology. It turns out the entire mountain is made of Schist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son Son scowls and said: \"Mommy I told you I hate salad!\" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.Mom angrily responds: \"Oh you salad tosser!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie is $50 in Jamaica and $00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't get a reservation at the library. Because they were completely booked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They're always hogging the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, \"You weren't even listening, were you?\" And I thought, \"that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A student is late for a zoom class... \"What took you so long?\" the teacher asks.\"Technical difficulties\" the student answers.\"I've heard that excuse a hundred times, let me guess, your wifi didn't work?\"\"My clock\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everything in Florida is in the 80s The Temperature, the Humidity, the Average Age, and the IQ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Abraa Kadabra! Expelliarnos! Stoopify! Wingardian Levioseaa! Loomos! Expecto Patrones! I'm sorry, it seems my spell-check isn't working."}
{"character": "random", "line": "New user: \"How come my new printer doesn't work in Linux?\" Linus: \"You need the right driver.\" \"My chauffeur's outside.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two security guards bumped into each-other while running through the hallway. It was the collision of the sentry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Jamaican restaurant informed me that they're getting low on lamb meat. Or in other words:THE JERK STORE CALLED AND THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF EWE."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a Pirate's least favorite letter? A copyright infringement notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Erik the Red wanted people to come and live in his new found ice covered land so he named it Greenland."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jack, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar. They both have a great time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak? Flaming yawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A famous serial killer made a music video of all of his killings but the drum track was lost and unable to be duplicated. I can’t believe he killed all of those people without any re-percussion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Spongebob the main character... ...when Patrick's the star?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cat Cousins (OC) Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin?He followed lynx in his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to love hearing people make Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is an empty champagne bottle like an orphan? Because it has lost its pops"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a company that sells makeup? A foundation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a chick magnet The repelling type"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pinocchio had 2 pets. He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke by Max Millar that got him banned from the BBC for 5 years in 1944 \"I met a beautiful woman on a mountain trail. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off.\"  Reference: QI, S18E01"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Almost all coins look the same This must be what we call a coincidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? Ass crack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man walks into a library ... says to the librarian in a loud voice, ‘please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice’. The librarian says ‘this is a library’. The man apologies and whispers ‘sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross the mailman with a Cougar? According to the Paternity Test: Me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say to his wife when she gave him a private dance? Make it reindeer!- Credit to my brother"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do folks in Kentucky do when their car breaks down? Build a house next to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorus walk into a bar. OH SNaP!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the police attack the peaceful demonstration for Elijah McClain? They were told to fight violins with violence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an African neck beard mosquito say? M’laria"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Could I be a judge in a Jewish religious court? No, not in this Dayan age."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury. He said he would look into it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does PETA love K-pop? They’ve always been huge fans of youth in asia (euthanasia)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks... I asked my cat and she said, \"Meow\". No help.I asked my bird and he said, \"Tweet\". Useless.I asked my dog and they said \"Rhytidome, you buffoon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "She Left Him A man's wife left him because he couldn't stop counting.She's not sure what he's up to now.(Credit to Brian & Ron Boychuck)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Jellyfish, a Snake and a Snail walk into a bar. The Jellyfish says, “This is impossible”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the marijuana dispensary gets flooded... ...is that considered high water?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kitten won top prize in a cute competition. Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!It's a real cat-ass-trophy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who makes a spelling error AFTER editing their comment?... An Ediot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently Stormy Daniels was misquoted, and what she actually said was that Trump's junk looked like A Little Potato. You know... A little *dick-tater*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hermaphrodite asks a doctor about the best way to become pregnant. After recommending a specialist the hermaphrodite responded \"I have already tried a specialist, but they told me to go fuck myself\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.  It's a faux pa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef Strokeitoff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What joke is the same in all european languages? USA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly. It’s a little drum attic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My name is Robert, but my friends call me Al... Alcoholic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan? They're used to disappointment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I fart, I let people know that that's my thoughts on the matter. I'm just giving them my two scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It's my new years resolution."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dumped my girlfriend last week because she had really bad breath. With hindsight though I'm really missing those 10 blowjobs a day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hear it’s a good time to buy real estate in Texas! The housing market is flooded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Italian say when he tested his first successful skunk perfume on a volunteer? You reek-uh!OC- as far as I know"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting would pair well with magical trees but it's actually enticing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms ...Breakfast of champignons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cougar that's hostile to you? An enemilf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Protons have mass? Never knew they were Catholic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit... Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all use gaslighting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Edward G Robinsons father became a woman, and his mother became a man. He has been very open discussing this. He has trans parents, see"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the buffalo farmer go to the pride parade? He had a bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a handicap sticker in Oklahoma? A high school diploma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gaming projectile was thrown by John Barrowman’s “Doctor Who” character to pass the time while he was traveling along the Congo River? The Dart of Harkness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform. She said it's in case she has to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon \"Can I practice on my self first?\" He said \"Sure, knock yourself out!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the lady who backed into a running fan? Disaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres. Person: <signing> How so?Me: <signing> You see what I mean?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My internet connection and my diet are missing one thing in common... Fiber"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what’s the difference between bees and bears? ears"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.>!The rest 20% are missing!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks? The Hollercaust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ketchup blush? He saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an artist's favorite fruit? Crayon-berriesSorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a new job at the owl sanctuary.. It’s night shifts but i hear it’s a real hoot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you buy unlimited kid's toys? Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart. And then another...And then another...Add infant item"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd. The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.  The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know air is a highly addictive slow acting poison? 100% of all people who breathe air have died, and if you try to stop breathing the poison you will die within minutes because of how addicted to air you are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said \"this is my body, eat it to remember me.\" Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said \"this is my blood, drink it to remember me.\" Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw this black guy running with a new television. I called police because it looked like mine. The police checked and It was OK. Mine was still home doing yard work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many black people does it take to shingle a roof?? One....but you gotta slice him reeeeeaaaalllllll thinnnnnnnnnnnnn....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctors I have a phobia of calendars He asked me whyI replied, \"Because its days are numbered.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The school phoned me today and said, \"Your son's has been telling lies.\" I said, \"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met the world's riches fisherman today \"What's your net worth?\" I asked.\"This one was about £10\" he replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter? Prose before Hose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the sentence \"the thief stole a television\" where is the subject? In prison"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the man get for losing the most amount of muscle? Atrophy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery? It's ground breaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between Santa and a Burglar? Santa is way more efficient!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor shingled my roof for free He said it was on the house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have 11 New Year Resolutions... * Never make resolutions* Be accepting of paradoxes* Use the binary number system more often"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Please don't bother teaching a giraffe to perform fellatio. It's just not going to go down well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently won the hand of the daughter of the local butcher. I stil can't believe some of these cannibal auctions on the Dark Web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sweatshirt on the ledge of the tower bridge? A jumper!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What runs around a baseball field but never moves? A fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance. I said, \"Ma'am, are you sure?\"She replied, \"Yes if you don't mind.\"So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You guys was right about Donald Trump harming the environment He's already making snowflakes melt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cattle farmers gamble so much? They like to raise the steaks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s? His last surgery was gut wrenching."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blue squirrel fall out of it's tree? It dyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a self help group for people that suffer from Premature Ejaculation last night They said to get there at 7 but I came early."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a \"paranoid little weirdo\" In morse code"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where Do Sheep Go For Vacation The Baahamas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the most commonly stolen musical instrument? A piano. People are always leaving the keys in them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Honey Dew you want to get married today?” “No. I cantaloupe.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the right place at the right time! An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know there are public speaking potatoes? Nothing special really, they're just commentaters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Pun from my kid nephew): How do you have a party in outer space? Planet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "CORONA ADVISORY The Symptoms of the Corona Virus are: 1. Sweating 2. Weakness 3. Diarrhoea 4. Stomach Pain Basically the same kind of feeling you get when you see your other half checking your phone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mondays God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did over the weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which unit describes the intensity of light in South Africa? Nelson Candela"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An 8 year old girl went to work with her father on 'Take your kid to work day' As they where walking around the office the young girl started to cry. Her father asked what was wrong. As a crowd gathered around her she sobbed ''Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid I used to think I was The Messiah. Every time my dad said something, it started with \"Jesus Christ!\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mario's Jeans What kind of jeans does Mario wear?*(in appropriate melody)* Denim, denim, denim..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Taxi A drunk guy stops a taxi and opens the door,\"You have space for 10 beer and a whole chicken\" he asks the driver\"Sure\" the driver replies\"Ok\" answers the drunk guy and pukes in the car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What elements are a banana made out of? BaNa₂"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset.. ..they will be paying per fume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad needed some advice on how to wrap birthday presents properly He looked up \"Enimem-rap god\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One class D personnel from SCP foundation walks into a bar. \\[DATA EXPUNGED\\]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr. and Mrs. Einstein had two kids. Albert: Genius.Frank: Monster creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower. I'm a transplant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to buy a lighter on Amazon, when I searched, it said, \"4.2 million matches found!\" Guess I'll have to go to the store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Jasmine Tridevil's (girl with 3 boobs), favorite type of cake? Tres Leches!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Tribute Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talkMan: you're onBoy: how does sandpaper feel?Dog: Ruff!Boy: what's on top of a house?Dog: Roof!Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?Dog: Ruth!Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of h... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember in 2015 when John Cena was a big meme? Now it's practically invisible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: \"Does it hurt?\" Patient: \"Only when I'm breathing.\" Both laugh for a while.  \nDoctor: \"That will soon be over. \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but... Is actually just Poor Execution"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the average internal body temperature of a Tauntaun Luke Warm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain... ...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day It was impossible to put down"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit... Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did thor have such a hard time accepting his brother was actually a frost giant? He was loki racist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visited North Korea over the summer, but had to leave one of my bags there. On the bright side, that raised their GDP by 0.5%"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Trump always use a golf cart when golfing? Walking the course is far too taxing on him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When someone says get a grip, Apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad. Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the parole hearing, the officer asked, \"Tell me, why should you be released early?\" The inmate responded, \"It’s bec...\" Officer: Yes?Inmate: I think I have..Officer: Go on.Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?Officer: Sure. Parole denied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many seconds are in a year? . January nd, February nd, March nd, April nd.... etc"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated. After that, he was alright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you... If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Woo walks into a bar He orders a shot of Tequila"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street - then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep? A: He puts his PJ-Amazon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get it off of a Swan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Liam Neeson played Aquaman \"I've got a particular set of gills\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cells get drafted for war? Diploid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blind man trips on a bottle That's all.Didn't see that one coming, did ya?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish that performs surgery in freshwater? Lake sturgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, \"Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.\" The boy looks over and responds, \"My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five\".The man replies, \"And he ate that much chocolate?\"\"No\" says the boy, \"But he minded his own fckng business.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in She said cheque books."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a medal for every time I've gotten to the two minute timer on my electric toothbrush... I still wouldn't have enough metal for all the damn cavities."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Bri'ish people never pronounce the letter 't' ? Because they drank it all"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing Oregon Trail I met a man named Terry.  I chose to laugh at him for having such a girlie name. He pulled out a gun and shot me.I died from dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I parked my car outside parliament. \"Sir, you can't park here,\" said a cop. \"This is where our politicians work.\" \"Don't worry, I've locked it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dog became a successful lawyer, but has a rivalry with an attorney. One day, the attorney won and the judge threw out the case. The dog said, \"Don't worry, I brought it back to him.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fat shaming is wrong. They have enough on their plate already."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drinking in IT terms 1 shot= Demo  2 shots= Trial version  5 shots= Personal edition  Half a bottle= Professional Edition  Full bottle= Network Edition  Two bottles= Small Business Edition  Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition  Whole case= C... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf. I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What I if told you… That you read the top line wrong?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My next joke is called heart disease. Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two explorers find a canoe in an ancient temple Inside, they find what appears to be a reflective rowing tool. Unfortunately, it was just a mere oar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father was killed by a herd of pigs. The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead He calls it *Nyetflix*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a magic owl HoodiniSorry if somebody made this joke already"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \\*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a place to buy bootleg horror movies? A Spookeasy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up? Aww shucks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and asks for helicopter flavour crisps. The barman says \"sorry, we only do plain\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents asked my why i was suddenly learning a foreign language? I told them, \"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The brain is the most important organ in your body \\- *According to the brain*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started playing tennis recently. on the first day I had to tell my tennis partner \"I can't grasp these balls\" he asked why not. I said \"I'm used to holding a shuttle cock\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chinese takeout: $8. Tip :$2. Getting home and finding out that they forgot part of your order: riceless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish? Because we'll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor. You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was bitten by a Great White while vacationing in Florida. I think he used the term \"Superior Aryan,\" but either way, that was one coked-out skinhead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Get that summer Super Saiyan look in 3 easy steps! 1. Bleach  2. Samurai Shampoo  3. Neon Genesis Hairgelion>!sorry for the low quality pun on the last one - came up with this in the car!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Nintendo fan gets invited at their crush's house to \"chill\" The two spend a very relaxing evening, but after some time together the Nintendo fan starts packing up to leave. The crush says: \"Hold on why are you leaving? We were having such a good time!\"The Nintendo fan replies: \"No smash\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy says: \"My great grandfather died in the concentration camps\" Then he laughs: \"He fell from the guard tower\"\"Stop telling jokes about this\" His friend replies - \"My great grandma also died in concentration camps\"\"Oh I'm sorry\"\"Yeah, some idiot dumbass dude fell on top of her from the guard tower\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.  So I packed up my stuff and right!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well for starters the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the difference between conscription in World War One and conscription in World War Two? The year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on... I would be crushed by dimes and have no idea why."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A network engineer goes to see his doctor He explains that he cannot seem to make his wife pregnant.The doctor examines the network engineer, and says \"it looks like a connection issue\".........He asks \"is it my technique?\"The doctor responds \"no, you have a twisted pair\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year Resolution for 2018 is... Buying bitcoin in 2011!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding. The citizens of Cairo are still in denial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came up with a hilarious joke about fermat But the margin was too small to contain it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Parisian who enjoys canning cucumbers? A French Pickler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself? He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato? One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do skateboarders do when they are really good? They GoPro"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, \"Can I have a bookmark?\" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-boo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were the most open-minded presidents in history. I was quite shocked by this, and it blew my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n Cows go. \n Cows go who? No, cows go moo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer. Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?Officer: No shit, Sherlock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Note: Never piss off a musician with a steam roller Unless you want to B♭"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Really tired today... Feels like I had a long March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shopping center for Sith lords? A Darth mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda... Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday Everything is buy one, get achoo free"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris. \"Nationality ? \" asks the immigration officer. \"German,\" she replies. \"Occupation?\" \"No, just here for a few days.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says \"G\". The teacher says, \"Why is that Angus?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad. The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him \"do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?\"The snail said \"No I don't. It happened so fast:-(\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most calming scent? Chloroform"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine finally started watching Doctor Who, after years of not even knowing what the show is about It’s about time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul. Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked in on my grandmother masturbating with a cucumber the other day And I was like \"Damn, i was going to eat that but now it's going to taste like cucumber.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some lions just escaped a nature reserve in South Africa They were rejected from their group.They could maybe ask to be let in the group againBut their pride wouldn't let them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit? Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a Venezuelan pigeon makes? Coup Coup Coup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police almost arrested a man for wanking to a caution sign But he got off with a warning"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The All Lives Matter crowd is extremely upset. To learn that All Votes Matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Math problem alarms They are so easy i can do them in my sleep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you Afghanistan? Because it would take me 20 years to pull out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty. They’re my last reshorts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a broken drum, the best present you can give someone? Because you just cant beat it.I'm sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is prostitution illegal? Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument... ...you become a comedian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman. It's second to nun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it. \"What did you do?\" asked his brother.\"I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!\"\"Were the people nice to you?\" asked his mother.\"Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Mountain Dews are sitting on a counter. One Mountain Dew is almost empty and the other is fresh out the ice box The fresh Mountain Dew looks to the old Mountain Dew and notices he looks upset. He asks “What’s wrong?” The other drink responds “I can’t dew this anymore.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just had donkey soup Taste like ass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury. But by tomorrow I should be fine again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code... ...they'd even know my birth year!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, \"You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here.\"\"Yes\", laughed the devil, \"but I have all the umpires!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have? Hypochondria"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have enough money to set me for life... If I die next Thursday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top. It's was tough in the Gateau"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. Go Bills!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Before our night out, my wife said that she didn't want me to get dressed up. No point arguing with her.So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Christmas, I asked Mariah Carey if I could get her a big open space to park her cars, but she declined She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a fat chick into bed? Piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning. It's just his daily poutine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when two potatoes hook-up Mashing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the kittens get in trouble during spelling class? Because they were copycats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a Hurricane and a wife have in common? One day it is wet and exciting and the next day your house is gone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me... I died of Dissin'-Terry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What position did Jesus play on his baseball team? Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't they let the fungi into the party? There wasn't mush room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do frogs wear on their feet in summer? Open toad sandals!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a duck thats addicted? A quackhead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was Impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing overly intricate shopping malls? He had a complex complex complex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a tenured professorship. My area of expertise is mosquito bites. It’s one hell of a niche."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm considering becoming a mind reader.. What are your thoughts?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ... Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirate's favorite device to store data on ? CD-RUM"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage. It was a tern for the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich? Oops wrong sub"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake? He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hotdog? he relished it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the farmer find his sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a bottle of vodka? Turn it Smirnoff and on again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the grizzly who didn't like his daughter wearing a crop top? He disapproved of her exposing her bear midriff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton. She broke the cycle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, \"I suppose you want a White Rabbit.\" The Easter Bunny says, \"I don't care, just give me something hoppy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a playwright with Parkinson's disease and a drinking problem? Shakesbeer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out I think they're mass-grading as someone else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms ...Breakfast of champignons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year Resolution for 2018 is... Buying bitcoin in 2011!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of Arby's was a pirate. He was walking one day thinking of a name for his new restaurant, until he got stung by a bee and shouted \"Argh-bees!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fictional story about sex? A fucking legend!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year? He has Santabodies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I climbed the stairs and saw a man standing on the edge about to jump. \"Don't do it!\" I screamed. \"Your life is worth more than that!\"Anyway, then he jumped, and I was escorted down from the diving board."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the dirtiest thing ever said on television GEE ward you were awfully rough on the beaver last night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pirate not like the old video game with a liberal-leaning political message? It was hard to port"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What award did the creator of the knock knock jokes win? The no-bell prize"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a YouTuber who's really satisfied with life? A content creator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said \"Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?\" She responded \"That's because it's an Evian\"Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young mosquito returned to its mother. How was your flight dear? asked mom.It was great mom, everyone clapped for me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[Not the Same one] A sheep and a snake roll down a hill inside a drum Ba dum tss ba dum tss ba tss tss dumP.S. i know this is a shitty take on the sound, but you hear it at the start of the video."}
{"character": "random", "line": "America has deployed a crack team of specialists over to Nigeria to try and find the missing school girls. Britain had sent Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and Max Clifford."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Language barriers go brrr I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, \"Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!\" I said, \"Wow!\" Then her friend said, \"She means 666-3629.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a country in Asia that has a new use for dogs... Pets!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit.... Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer.  He looks at it and then shakes his head.  “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man with dwarfism walked out of the wig store after haggling for a good deal. It was a small price toupee'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle and one snail turns to the other and says \"Hold on, friend. Here we go!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur. I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a shark victim see before their end? Fin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet.... After six weeks, that pony really began to reek...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock -Who's there?Eye makeup-Eye makeup who?Did you flush?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my Professor said \"if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?\" I said, \" I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him and the applause from the crowd would be outstanding! \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because she said I kept leaving oxygen tanks around the house. I thought that they created atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend likes to make off-color jokes about environmental disasters, like the Exxon Valdez and the Deepwater Horizon accidents. He's so crude."}
{"character": "random", "line": "me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table **waiter:** white or red?**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What the difference between Pizza and Musician? A pizza can feed a family of 4."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses. It was a blessing in disguise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My internet connection is a lot like my grandad It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a majority of the market share in the north east? You have a MAINEopoly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction? No whey, Hose A."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don't even know where he got someone else's feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mrs. Patel was reading little Rajinder a bedtime story. He asked, \"what will I be when I grow up?\" She replied, \"you can be anything you want to be.\" \"Anything?\" he asked.\"Yes, you can be anything you want to be. You can be a cardiologist, radiologist, anesthesiologist, neurologist....\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike? Attire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "That Kool-Aid Man is a terrible actor Always breaking the fourth wall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the fight at the witch's cafe? It was bruja brew brouhaha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Instead of watching the news, my friend goes body surfing at the beach every morning. She says it keeps her abreast of current events."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once.... It wasn't right, man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not sure how long my life as a calendar will last... ...but I know my days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when a fisherman saw that they spent more on missing fishing equipment than they made selling fish? They realized a net loss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "an old arabic joke my uncle told me a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospitalthe doctor told him: \"just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury\"he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pigs surf in Hawaii? Bay-kona"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some crocodiles got together to write parody songs. It's a pun croc band."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot? They really should. It would be a real Page-turner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy started yelling at me in sign language It was a deaf threat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike. For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I couldn't find a twelve letter word that means \"obstructive\". I think it's unreasonable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a piece of charcoal at the end of a wire? An amateur electrician"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend told me that if I give her one more useless gift, she'd burn it... ... So I bought her a candle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans. After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother used to say babies bounce. Looking at some of my family, I wonder how many she dropped to learn this fact."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the kale farmer say to the meat farmer? Hi.(Original joke from my 10-year-old son)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Mr Krabs have to do with the periodic table? Agagagagagagag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a little joke for the ladies Unfortunately, it's in my underpants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The recipe said, \"put the stew in at 180 degrees\", so I did… Now it's all over the bottom of the fucking oven…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My best mate was born by Cesarean... The only side effect is when he gets out the car he uses the sunroof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my parents were \"debating\" at the dinner table the other night Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men.  I'm seeing a double standard here.  Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women?  What is he called?Dad: Smart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to record a video of me playing the violin but... I didn't want to fiddle with the camera"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mother-in-law says to her daughter-in-law \"I don't mean to offend you, but my grandson looks nothing like my son\". Daughter-in-law replies, \"I've got a fanny between my legs, not a fucking photocopier\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a landscaper’s nicest pair of pants? His Grassless Chaps."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek? A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the road made of body parts? They call it the Organ Trail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day a kid asks his dad to buy a drum set for him His father replies \" Sorry mate, can't do that. You'll play it all the time and the sound will drive me crazy\"The kid say \"Don't worry dad, I won't disturb you. I'll only play it once you are asleep\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I hated her side of the family I said, \"That's not true, I like your mother-in-law more than mine\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new discovery about women in prison: They don’t get their periods until the end of their sentences."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cattle farmers gamble so much? They like to raise the steaks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently \"Blacks\" and \"Mexicans\" were NOT the correct answers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors. Oh and weird concurrency bugs.Oh and weird concurrency bugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are there any foods that start with 'th'? Thoup and thauthages"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Future, past and present were having an argument it was tense"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Made up my own joke today! Comment what you think: What did the crab get on his report card? I dont know, but it was Under dah C!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the lamb tell the other lamb that it had a crush on her? Sheepishly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry She really loved that cat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to? Plymouth rock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who are the werewolf's cousins? What-wolf and when-wolf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the coffee bean go to the Halloween part? It was grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can a leopard change his spots? By moving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons? A: Because they often have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want me to tell you the joke about the butter? No, you might spread it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, 'Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down? A brunette with bad breath..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project...... ...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus. They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It took my wife six hours to push out our first child. He’s old enough to live by himself now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a waffle on the beach? A San Diego"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio: -WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!The german replies:-Wat are you sinking about?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open. A terrible, early form of click bait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters But those letters aren’t silent.They’re just waiting their turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Harry, Ron, Fred and George started a boy band together called... Wand Erection"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard they recalled Steve irwin's sunblock lotion. It didn't protect against harmful rays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Working in a mirror factory Is something I can totally see myself doing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Fork, Dear Fork,I know we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely,Spoon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr Green lives in The Green House. Mr Blue lives in The Blue House. Mrs Pink lives in The Pink House. Who lives in The White House? Mr Orange."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got in touch with my inner self today. I'm never buying cheap toilet paper again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr Green lives in The Green House. Mr Blue lives in The Blue House. Mrs Pink lives in The Pink House. Who lives in The White House? Mr Orange."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago I’m not too worried about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a donkey in space? An ass-tronaut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Archimedes wasn't just known for inventing his many inventions. He's also considered to have invented the first insult when talking to his brother who was a cheese maker after discovering a early form of lindburger cheese.... He simply stated, You reeka!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The doctor told me that one of my lungs was dysfunctional, and that the other one was being discriminatory about it... ...Turns out it was a case of pulmonary ableism."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke From My Niece Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back. Its going to be called \"Liquor in the front, poker in the back\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl added me and sent me a picture of herself She looked so much like someone who would judge me based of my appearance so i blocked her.Cut toxic people out of your life because you deserve better (:"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what's the best thing about the make-a-wish foundation? they can really work to a deadline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Japanese people get married. They have a baby boy.A few years later the wife and child both get the same illness. So the husband takes his wife and child to the hospital.He asks the doctor: “What’s wrong with Mii?”The doctor replies: “The same thing that is wrong with Yew.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two nuns are driving through Romania And they pass by Transylvania when a vampire leaps on their car. When the passenger nun fails to get the vampire off, the driver nun tells her, \"Quick! Show him your cross!\"The passenger nun shouts \"GET OFF THE DAMN CAR!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK After,  Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium.  That was an OMg moment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the dinosaur era actually exist? You bet Jurassic did"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many bones are in the human hand? A handful of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out I guess that's mustard gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Important copyright notice Remember, if you sing \"Happy Birthday\" to the Queen, it is still *not* royalty-free."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So i got 2 ‘O’ levels in Biology and metalwork... So if your Dog needs welding I’m your man..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I saw a glass billboard advertising air conditioners that looked brand new. Than a flock of pigeons landed on it. From there, it was a clear sign that shit was about to hit the fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So i was watching p*rn last night and accidently pressed cast to tv, it found a samsung tv and started steaming... I dont have a samsung tv in my house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man gives dollar to a homeless person After he threw the dollar in his hat, he noticed a second hat. The man frowned and asked: \"Why do you have two hats?\"\"Well, you see...\" Said the wanderer. \"Business is going well these days so I recently opened my second store.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself 'Why knot?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a gathering of single hikers? A Trail Mixer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other: “Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed in an English Hotel that was so quaint that when I we first arrived, rather than a mint, there were a couple of cricket balls and a bat on the bed. Though the bat did fly out of the window after only a few minutes, and I never did find the rest of the cricket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States. Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I went to the doctor... She asked \"What brings you here today?\"I replied \"My car.\"And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: \"Not sexually active.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just struck in the head by a flying bottle of omega 3 pills! .... luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus... Hollywood has Terry Crews."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do theatrical cats wear their gloves? On their...Dramatic Paws"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the oyster's girlfriend leave him? He was shellfish in the seabedNo, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What noises do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, cackle and pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I'm eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, \"What do you do at a red light?\" I said, \"I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a lumberjack, I know that I've cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Do You Call Two Latinos Playing Basketball? Juan on Juan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a little joke for the ladies Unfortunately, it's in my underpants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wrote a free file compression program. I made zip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ninety-Nine had been trying to defeat Hundred, but failed each time. Finally, he pushed the limit for one last time. And on his cake day... Ninety-Nine defeated Hundred-And-One."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump Do you know what he'd call them?Fake Nudes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy says: \"My great grandfather died in the concentration camps\" Then he laughs: \"He fell from the guard tower\"\"Stop telling jokes about this\" His friend replies - \"My great grandma also died in concentration camps\"\"Oh I'm sorry\"\"Yeah, some idiot dumbass dude fell on top of her from the guard tower\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't MC Hammer's team of lawyers get him off the hook? The charges were too legit to acquit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby. Or at least that's what my mailman said"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what’s really worth its weight in gold? Gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend just became an American citizen, but he was forced to give up his Chinese citizenship. It’s been a real disorienting experience for him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's my cake day or something, Here's a dad joke :) A blind man walks into a bar,  And then a table,  And then a chair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?''Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German soldier, Japanese soldier, and Italian soldier were interrogated A German soldier said he would not speak, but he did. The Japanese soldier said he would resist, but he spoke, and the Italian soldier was the only one who did not speak. When they asked him how he resisted, he said \"my hands were tied\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space. It was a cat astro fee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.... so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are there any foods that start with 'th'? Thoup and thauthages"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business? They just couldn’t measure up to the competition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an exhausted woman on her period? Drained"}
{"character": "random", "line": "my girlfriend got vaccinated today now she wont hold any air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover? I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried injecting drugs straight into my blood stream, thinking I would feel better afterwards... but it was all in vein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you ever want to build a home for the poor A foundation is a solid place to start"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of asexuals are playing cards one, the dealer, says \"I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't MS Word files allowed here? Rule 4: No docx-ing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wheel that you wear? A tire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Corny puns Why can't the headless horseman ever win a race?A: Because he can never get a headWhat is Tiger Wood's favorite type of club?A: The wood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Darth Vader's least favorite temperature? Luke warm.^^im ^^sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole. For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the chameleon say when he walked across a tie-dye shirt? Whoa, that last bug must have been laced with something!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This hot weather... The thing I love most about this hot weather is the crop tops and short skirts... Although it does make me look a bit gay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends didn't anticipate upset stomach after eating at Barcelona. Obviously, nobody expects the spanish indigestion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a ghost who thinks he can singlehandedly unload fear upon the face of the Earth? Boo cocky"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test. Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone threw part of a brick through my front window. The police couldn’t do anything though They said there wasn’t enough concrete evidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting a file out of the archives Coworker: \"Hey, can you get this file out of the archive for me?\"Me: \"This is the fifth time this week you've asked for a file from the archive.\"Coworker: \"I know. I'm sorry. But please, I really need that file.\"Me: sigh \\*unzips\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Polar Bear Cub Walks up to its mother\"Mum, am I part Brown Bear?\"\"No dear\"\"Am I part Black Bear?\"\"No dear, your all Polar Bear\"\"Grizzly? Panda?\"\"No why?!\"\"Because I'm fucking freezing!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a XXX movie editor but got fired. My boss walked by my desk one day and I wasn't watching porn on my computer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event. Authorities believe it to be race-related."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth? A lyre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to Satan’s YouTube channel? It got demon-itized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] When I visit my urologist I make sure he checks my whole body. Sometimes I can be a dick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Virginia Governor Ralph Northam's favorite movie? Partial Birth Of A Nation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that... ...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll. They’re the troll kin white guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie is $50 in Jamaica and $00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What noises do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, cackle and pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the termite say after walking into the bar? Is the bar tender here?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How long is a Chinese name That wasn’t a question"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: Our tests show you have no magnesium or potassium in your body. Patient: 0MG, 0K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library. \"Hey! How much for a hot dog?\" He asks the librarian.The librarian says, \"are you crazy? This is a library!\"\"Oh, sorry about that.\" He answers.\"^How ^much ^for ^a ^hot ^dog?\" ^He ^whispers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I USE TO BE A BULL RIDER AND I WAS DOING PRETTY GOOD Until that guy from Wal-Mart came out and unplugged me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Christian who visits shrines? A roamin' Catholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf? He's inbread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the laziest number 12 cuz it dozen do anything"}
{"character": "random", "line": "BANK CLERK: The maximum you can withdraw is £10. ME: Ok [slipping them £5] how about now?BANK CLERK: The maximum you can withdraw is £15."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference? One is The Taming of the Shrew.The other is the shaming of the true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A question for every single person on earth . . . . . . What's it like being single?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Alzheimers day on thursday... It's Alzheimers day on thursday..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick are starting a pest control business? I mean, it makes sense, they're ex-terminators after all..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love being a butcher. It makes it easy to meat people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife keeps telling me that soup is better with flavour cubes. I don’t put too much stock in that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Things you can burn for stress relief SageLavenderRacistsMarijuanaPaedophilesFrankincense"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An attractive snow-woman notices a snowman gawking at her. She says, “Listen pal, my ice are up here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is... What do you have if you have more than one violin?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business. I Am Grout"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had one dollar for every time someone complained about how rich Jeff Bezos is I still wouldn’t be as rich as Jeff Bezos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The number of unemployed musicians today... Is disconcerting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd been having some stomach issues, so I went to the GI He said I should keep a bathroom journal, but I prefer to call it a log book."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story Within 30 minutes I had a friend in meall credit goes to u/APater6076"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? (aka 'The 4:20 Joke' from How I Met Your Mother) [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick in your ass. (Featured in season 4, episode 20 : \"Mosbius Designs\", on the glorious HIMYM)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make? Crap"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had so much fun doing surgery I might become a surgeon one day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub... And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby...(Anthony Jeselnik)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, \"Windy ain't it?\"Bob says, \"Nah, it's Thursday.\"Vick says, \"Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the Mathematician frowned upon? He was a chronic math-debater"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school. He didn't make the cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad I was thinking Ahhh!!! So that's whats burning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked about not upgrading to Windows 10 ? \"I still love Vista, baby\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two blondes are in geography class together... One asks the other\"Which is closer, London or the moon\"The other replies\"The moon, obviously, can you see London?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tom asked Dick \"Have you ever been in an railway accident?\"Dick replied, \"Yes. Once when the train was going through the tunnel, I kissed the father instead of the daughter.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry. The game has similar themes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what fruit is in the bathroom? a poop apple"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I was watching 50 shades of Grey But I realised it was just a porno. I could tell the difference because they were having consensual sex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s hard to find deals for prosthetics in today’s economy. They charge me an arm and a leg for their product."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 is the most popular year on the internet. It went viral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a bottle of shampoo the other day, which promised to “increase volume” What a load of shit, I poured half the bottle into my ear and if anything it did the opposite"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine. Only used once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, \"I don't think that is going to help.\" \"Sure it will,\" he said. \"It's the only way I can see the numbers.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When medieval armies went off to war... were they playing for keeps?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got an F in Biology Class Next time I see my teacher I’m gonna punch her in the balls!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times? Because they used to spit fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't towels can't tell jokes? They have a dry sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag. I told him to just leave it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said \"could you check my balance?\"-so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle? A: Attire!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I try to avoid eating anchovies. It's a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets. Judge: Repeat infractions?Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is common between Reddit and China? They both don't like opinions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] How did the turtle finally lose his virginity? He came out of his shell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW] St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sitting in the sand at the nudist resort, I wondered, What's all the fuss about anal beaching?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Priest: Do you have any idea who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame? Quasimodo: I have a hunch.Priest: Don’t make this about you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-o acid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!\" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet \"But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases\" replied the random guy on the Internet.\"No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants. I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Instead of watching the news, my friend goes body surfing at the beach every morning. She says it keeps her abreast of current events."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angle that’s gotten into a car crash? A rectangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the farmer say to his wife when he’s feeling sexy? Brown Chicken Brown Cow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most calming scent? Chloroform"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Dad, look, I'm Sherlock Holmes' sidekick.\" \"You're what, son?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night. She said \"The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous\"  Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, \"Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.\" The boy looks over and responds, \"My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five\".The man replies, \"And he ate that much chocolate?\"\"No\" says the boy, \"But he minded his own fckng business.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In unison, the cannibals end their prayer for over population with a single word Rawmen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just started a YouTube channel about viruses. I guess you could say I’m a real influenz-er"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say I'm overconfident Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Got Hit In the Head By A Soda Can, But It Didn't Hurt That Much... It was a soft drink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float. Needless to say, it was soup rising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent. So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never understood the idea of invisible planes. I just can’t see them taking off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Old McDonald's farm and an old Asian women's closet have in common? There's a muumuu here, a muumuu there...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house  Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just burned my Hawaiian pizza Guess I should cooked it at aloha temperature"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cemetery count How many dead people are in a cemetery?All of them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the two helium atoms? He He"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who did The Fonz call when his motorcycle broke down on the way to Arnold's Drive-In? Triple Aaaaayyyyy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats? A pimp"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is the anniversary of my great great great grandfather inventing camouflage. Not that anyone noticed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen? I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Donald Trump say to the sickly weasel that somehow got loose in the Oval Office? Damn, next time I'll have to use more glue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Mexican take Xanax? Hispanic Attacks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday. I'm expecting a long sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Dracula turn down the part of the Magic Mirror? He just couldn't see himself in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Almost all coins look the same This must be what we call a coincidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Object to All This Sex on the Television I keep falling off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mermaid wear to a Maths class ? An algaebra.Note: Not my original. I had read this somewhere a few years ago. Kudos to the original creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes Because then you are a mile away and have their shoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory? Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the fisherman go fishing on his day off Just for the Halibut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Good thing I had a CVS receipt in my wallet... The men’s room was out of toilet paper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. No, I said. It's to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? \"Do these genes make me look fat?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an egg roll? Just give it a little push."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife laughed at me when I told her I could make a car out of macaroni. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your wife and daughter look like twins,' my friend said. 'Well,' I replied, 'they were separated at birth.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, 'I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?\" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": " A Central European trampolining team has recently gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most acidic soup? Ph0"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cop say to the criminal salad? Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m stuck on the toilet. Call the Squat Team."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath. I still don't know if I like self-checkout."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a guy who was obsessed with summing numbers It was an addition"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: \"Mom, Dad, I'm gay.\" Mom: *Stares at Dad*Dad: *Clenches fist*Mom: \"Don't!\"Dad: *Sweats Profusely*Mom: \"...\"Dad: \"HI GAY, I'M DAD\"Son: \"No dad, I'm serious!\"Dad: \"You're serious? I thought you were Gay!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying It's must be too highly strung"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid’s pet rabbit Gotye went missing a week ago. Now it’s just some bunny that we used to know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times. Today is the Ides of March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hunters Birthday Present What do you give a hunter for his Birthday.A Birthday pheasant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't become a surgeon for the money; I didn't do it for the fame either I just didn't become a surgeon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do atoms decide which one should be put in charge? By having general electrons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is a joke about the shirt you are wearing right now. It probably went over your head, didn’t it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What room is useless for a ghost? A living room  xD"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked \" are you alright, sir ?\" Sean : \"it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pillow cross the road? Because it was cooler on the other side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL 19th century philosopher William Jacob Walsh once predicted a more sophisticated information public information network may result in less objective and reliable information being distributed, rather than the reverse Of course, this will really only be funny if this joke makes the front page and people don't immediately realise I posted this on r/jokes and made up William Jacob Walsh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently sharks can grow up to 30 feet. I thought they were called fins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am. Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's an absolute treasure.... By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hard crowd tonight ey Maybe I should put my clothes back on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a pair of running shoes the other day Let me know if you've seen em."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make. DiCaprio says, “I’ll be the lead actor.”Clooney says, “I guess I’ll be the director.”McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command. PS: It's a joke, women are awesome."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic But it was a false Salaam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands... So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said \"who the f@#k are you?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the kale farmer say to the meat farmer? Hi.(Original joke from my 10-year-old son)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do penises and semi colons have in common? I often put them in the wrong places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Dr. Jekyll banned from South Africa? Because he was a part Hyde"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you get mixed up in an undersea gang war? You get a crab wound.So you go the police but they clam't help you.Eventually you end up at the hospital and they tell you you'll need a sturgeon.Then you murder everyone because you are so god damn tired of their undersea puns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog for a walk in the park, he gets attacked by all of the ducks there. Thats what I get for having a pure bread dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bear wanders into a police station He was just there to bear witness"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test. Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a self-employed, work-at-home guy during the pandemic I'd like you to meet the employee of the month, Dick!Please stand up and be recognized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster? Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I glued a bunch of orange sodas together in the shape of a stick.. It's amazing.. It's tremendous.. It's... Fanta-Stick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.They will get to meat of it all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend walked out on me, with my Bob Marley CD and Satellite dish. Oh well, No Woman No Sky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons? A crustacean menstruation station."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich? It was neck and neck the whole way."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other: “Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police bring a phone to the station for questioning. They soon find out his shocking crime. He was charged in connection with battery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My latest manual on evaluating desserts got pulled from stores Apparently they made pie rating textbooks illegal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rhymes with orange? No it doesn’t!I checked the last time this was posted was 3 months ago!Btw it’s my cakeday :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I attack you with an ancient Korean ranged weapon... Hwacha gonna do about that?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? Wooly jumpers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts serve humans for dessert? I Scream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?' 'You follow the fresh prints.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair?' 'Eclipse it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice. And that’s Chris Brown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal. >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!<  >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !<  >!Let!< >!You!< >... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you mean I can't identify as a television? Just watch me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese. This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the komodo dragon mumma say to her hatchling? You were a snaccident!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event? Cantelope"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden. No way would she have done that if she were still alive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a third degree burn the other day Needless to say it was getting on my nerves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put in your interstellar trail mix? Astro-nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My pandemic no-shaving challenge is going great! I haven't shaved before work in months! I also haven't worked in months."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes.... Will she be Rivers Phoenix?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blind editor? A grammar not-see."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says... I'm sorry, we don't serve food here"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What surprise did the artist give to the nun? Unsolicited diptychs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A known and loved goverment official is going car to car The whole of congress has been captured and terrorists are threatening to douse them in gasoline and burn them if we don't fork over $10,000,000,000The man hands him a 10 and asks how much people donate on average.Roughly a gallon was his reply."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other: “Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button? A frog in a blender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me I thought to my self,   “Well that wasn’t very mature.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says \"Big Breath\" The girls says \"Yeth, and I'm only thixteen\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Udder Destruction.I swear this joke is funnier in person. Try it, trust me. Panty dropper for sure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mum so she can show Dad when he gets home.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my wife showed me all about the 50 Shades of Gray. Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban at the zoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide.... ....Well,  it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, \" It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends,  is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a convenience store and asks \"Can I have a can 'o dew?\" Store clerk tells him, \"No can dew\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a dyslexic sapiosexual today They said they were very attracted to my brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently read that initially Daniel Radcliffe was the first choice to play Frodo Baggins, but he decided he didn't want to I bet the producers were glad that Elijah Wood!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says \"In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test.\" The blonde asks \"Do you have to study a lot for them?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl For instance ;My name Address and phone number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Meteorologists have forecast snow throughout the US for the entire year of 2018 Flake news"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages??? Because centipedes would be too fast to fight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Princess Jasmine used the carpet to get into America She was deported after 2 days because, obviously, she wasn't Aladdin the country"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm in line for a promotion and huge pay rise at the Ministry of Defence where I work, after finally perfecting the invisibility suit. Well they think I have, I've just not turned up for three weeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in my gun and my badge * Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great safety tip for Halloween this year Wear a mask!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My upstairs neighbor recently made a groundbreaking discovery... He can't fly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A UNIX Salesperson A unix salesperson named LenoreLoved her job, but loved the beach more.She devised such a wayto combine work and play:She sells C-shells by the seashore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Why is the alarm in the office going off, boss?\" \"It's a fire drill... \"You're all getting fired!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told \"no\" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm tired of people pushing me around and talking behind my back. But that's just how things go when you are in a wheelchair, I guess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team? She swallowed a fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Invisible calendars... ... that's something you don't see every day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Hydrogen finally admitted to Sodium that she had been bonding with Oxygen Sodium reacted violently."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Welcome to cucumber club... “Is this your first time?\" \"Yes, I'm a newcumber ...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me. What do you call Afghan triplets?Twins!I am so sorry...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was acci-dental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unfortunately, the longest day of the year is just under a month away... And I still don’t know what to get her for her birthday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm going into therapy to deal with my fear of escalators, but it shouldn't take long ... It's only a one step program."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I lost 5 pounds.” “That’s good for your health!” The colombians disagree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My love life has become like my bank card.. Contact less."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old daughter just said to me.. \"Dad, don't you find it inherently dishonest when people fabricate a false narrative using children to make the underlying message more humorous?\"I dunno what she talking about. Kids, eh?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just discovered that I can talk to cats They probably don't understand me but still"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Real Story) All of a sudden, my Steam language was set to Russian. I was changing it back to English, when my hand slipped. But it's okay, now. I have everything in Czech."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius. My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The local furniture store sells stools I checked out one of their samples and I was unimpressed. It looked like a piece of shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space. Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Aronold Schwarzenegger when he retires? The Ex-terminator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say smoking will give you diseases. What they don't know is that it cures salmon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a dyslexic kangaroo go when he's sick The Hopsital"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wrote this while waiting for a burrito in 2009 What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony? One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Civilians call it a bathroom Civilians call it a bathroom, because they take baths in it,The airforce calls it a lavatory, because they use it to freshen up,The army calls it a latrine, because they use it to take a dump...So why does the navy call it a head?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went out with a girl once called 'Owl' Seriously, that was her name, Owl.She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I touched an open wire, what happened next will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If your only friend is ghosting you... Who you gonna call?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If anyone in the North East U.S. gets a chance to look at the moon tonight It's completely out of this world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To celebrate my cake day, here’s a joke that gave me a giggle An old lady walks into a dental surgery, sits down in the chair, lifts her knees up and spreads her legs.Dentist: ‘Miss, I believe you’re in the wrong room’.Woman: ‘You put my husbands new teeth in last week. I’m here to have them removed’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet... Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once pushed a guy off his bike I've since been banned from that gym"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge? He wanted to gather his THOTs first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy comes home on rainy day from a soccer match, completely drenched. His mom asks „How bad was it?“ „Let’s describe it this way: we won the coin toss and decided to play against the current for the first half.“"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an old snowman? Water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Hey Dad, I was outstanding at school today. Dad: Good to hear that. What did you do?Son: Our teacher caught me cheating on the quiz. She sent me out and ordered me to stand at the hallway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm done with waiters in restaurants asking me how did i find the steak I just look next to The potatoes and it's right fucking there"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shirt say to the pair of pants? Wassup Britches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind... I hear it's not even a real airport!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Europe is like a fridge You have the freezing cold part at the top  Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selectionThen down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to sell cookware, but that didn't pan out. So I've switched to selling underwear for a brief time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what turtle tastes like? It tastes like plastic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate flat edged shovels They have no point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new book about Helen Keller is absolutely incredible! The audio book is absolutely unintelligible though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call four bull-fighters standing in quicksand? Quatro sinko."}
{"character": "random", "line": "English is a wierd language Noses run and feet smell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the cannibals ate Bear Grylls? They developed a taste for adventure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really bonded with the guy at the glue factory. We have been inseparable ever since we met."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cow was recently given the badge of bravery. Her actions proved she was no cow-ard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Size difference Q: What's smaller than a teeny weeny Ant?.................A: An Ant's teeny weeny!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I went into the park today and I saw a homeless man sitting on the wishing well with his pants down to his ankles. Well shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a vacuum cleaner? The Harley holds the dirtbag on the outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, \"This is red wine.' The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Polar Bear Cub Walks up to its mother\"Mum, am I part Brown Bear?\"\"No dear\"\"Am I part Black Bear?\"\"No dear, your all Polar Bear\"\"Grizzly? Panda?\"\"No why?!\"\"Because I'm fucking freezing!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy: \"WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?\" Waiter: \"Thats the soup sir\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a computer file that likes children? A PDFFile"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the pancake a bad comedian? Because his jokes fell flat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teachers told me I'd never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, \"Just you wait!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A Mars bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are you a USB port? Because it takes me at least three tries to get it in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality? Don’t ask Donatello"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hurricane Harvey is no joke. https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793To find out how to help, follow the link above."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets He was arrested for attempted murder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many people from Donald Trump's team would it take to change a lightbulb in the Oval office? 11.Donald, on his desk, holding the lightbulb in place. 10 morons rotating the desk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.The bartender says \"that'll be 2020\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cashier called my coins handsome when I was buying a soda today.. She said \"Handsome coins, over\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a giraffe’s neck so long? To connect its head and body together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide CHECK CZECH CHEQUES"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stopped by my favorite noodle place on my lunch break, but the line to get in was out the door. There was no way I’d be able to order and get back to work on time, it was a real pho queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our local planned parenthood refuses to provide homeless women with abortions. They say beggars can't be choosers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter? Prose before Hose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Orange! Orange who? Orange you glad I lost the election?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is more powerful than IBM? IBM + C = ICBM."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a ventriloquist, until I lost my dummy. Now I'm just a schizophrenic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad has colon cancer It's shitty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the butcher say to do incase there was a fire? Grab your meat and beat it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it. So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.  She asks \"Hardback?\"  \"Yes,\" he replies, \"with a little head and beady eyes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man drops his coin into the wishing well... \" I wish I had a giant cock!\"Wish granted. Cause of death, 2 metre cock shoved up his ass. Giant still at large."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin’ Terry :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank? Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most acidic soup? Ph0"}
{"character": "random", "line": "how do you surprise a blind guy? you leave the plunger in the toilet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make a reservation at the library yesterday, but couldn't... Turns out, they're completely booked!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs are truly woman's best friend If you don't believe it, lock your dog and husband in your trunk.  Wait an hour, open it and see who is happier to see you again!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Idk how to climb stairs Anyone have a step by step tutorial?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh? For Claus combat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaner She tells the man behind the counter that she has a dress that needs laundered. The hard-of-hearing man responds with \"come again?\" Ms. Lewinsky replies with \"No, just mayonnaise this time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you harvest crops in the winter? With an ice sickle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the police attack the peaceful demonstration for Elijah McClain? They were told to fight violins with violence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Russian Roulette is completely safe to play! I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who is both a physician who can treat you and a physician who cannot?!?!?!?!?! A pair-a-docs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that people like self deprecating jokes Too bad I am not good at them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The samurai's autopsy report came back. They found a chink in his armor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of food do they serve at Medieval Times? Farm to Fable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't there TVs in Afghanistan? Because of the Teliban."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm Because you're annoying and wont shut up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster? A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I worked in a helium factory I resigned after a week, I wasn't going to be spoken to like that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months. \"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!\"You mean 9 months.\"Ken is 24 months!\" Deborah, he's 2.\"My baby is -26 weeks old!\"No, Karen, you miscarried."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs He loves them ho ho ho’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: \"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son.\" The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: \"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump wears so much makeup, I think he's hiding something And if his thick foundation is anything like mine, it's probably the bones of a half-dozen hookers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best time of day? 6:30, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, \"I love you.\" \"Is that you or the beer talking?\" she asked. I answered, \"It's me... talking to my beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one. It was a freebie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres. Person: <signing> How so?Me: <signing> You see what I mean?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't Do It In The Dark Roses are redViolets are blueI applied it to the headThought it was lubeNow my hand's stuck to the endTurns out it was glueSorry if I'm leaving you on readRight arm's down to my nudeFor hours I've been on my bedMy folks ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New Years resolution to recycle water I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer.  I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called \"Accessories To The Crime\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the woman flash the tattoo artist. It was tit for tat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said \"Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you.\" He was being too forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a corpse's favorite currency? Cryptocurrency"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What noise does a dead giraffe make? *thud*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone is of the idea that shark song will be played 18 years from now in proms and clubs. As adults do you ever go singing... the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town.... ..... the doors on the bus go open and shut, open and shut, the doors on the bus go open and shut all through the town....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor. It had a terrible year-ache."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an \"Original Content\" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an \"Original Content\" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have this rare condition where I may get consecutive numbers mixed up, and my friend just got diagnosed recently. I thought I was the only two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them? I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a surrogate mother in the White House? The secret cervix."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the cub shy after taking his shirt off at the pool? He was a little bare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working He said, \"I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females. I replied \"mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ... ... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach. Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A soldier was rushed to the hospital with a horrific bayonet wound. Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I said to the manager \"try before you buy\" It still got me kicked out of the sex toy shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh? For Claus combat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a wheel work? Tirelessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here's an old one. Who curses the most in Star Wars? R2-D2, everything he says is bleeped out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge? You shallot pass!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A british person plays chess with an american, The british person always wins. Why?Their queen never dies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our company got called in to a three alarm blaze at a local Salvation Army store today. Thankfully no one was killed, but a couple people almost suffocated on secondhand smoke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Madness at the Snowman's rave last night.. All the Carrots were off their faces"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, \"Windy ain't it?\"Bob says, \"Nah, it's Thursday.\"Vick says, \"Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus(Full Disclosure: I'm showing Jurassic Park to my kids for the first time)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: \"Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!\" The teacher replies: \"Not until you say the alphabet.\" So Little Jimmy recites: \"ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ\"    The teacher raises an eyebrow. \"Excuse me,\" she says, \"but where's the S, H, I and T?\"    Little Jimmy just sighs. \"...In my pants...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who swore the most in star wars? R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have ,after a long discussion, decided we don't want children. We're telling them tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A... They were raising canes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This Zamboni operator skidded out of control into our Dungeons & Dragons meeting Why he be all slidin into my DMs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a Fly Fishing tournament ? Live stream"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pear thats a dad? I don't really know but it should be apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer was riding his horse: The farmer says \"I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.\" The horse comes to a quick stop and looks at the farmer and says, \"Moooooo.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter? Dear Customer, Your internet service has been terminated due to copyright infringement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play. I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Mexican Owl? Hoolio"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold. a couple of minutes later...911 what is your emergency?Jeez Finally!  One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!Are the other cubs safe??Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra. But he was spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do vegan white nationalists chant at rallies? Sieg-Kale, Sieg-Kale!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the secret chord that David played to please the Lord? G sus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local church went bankrupt and someone turned it into a gun range. The community didn't like it, but it already had pew pew pews."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt? A pain in the ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the physicist angry at the postage stamp? Because no matter how hard he tried, it just wouldn't gluon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to sell home security systems. It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nicklebacks’ album “Silver Side Up” was released on Sept. 11, 2001. What are the chances that one of worst days in American history would also be the day a terrorist attack took down the twin towers?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson? One of them got shot for touching a kid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying \"CHAMELEON\".... (stand back and watch the fun.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To understand what recursion is... You must first understand what recursion is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Gates is the best person to deal with a pandemic He's been dealing with viruses since Windows 95"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors \"No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!\" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in The lemon-limelight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the teddy bear say after blowing out the birthday candles? No thanks I’m stuffed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad thought OnlyFans was a webstore that just sold air conditioning units. I suppose you can still find something on there to spin around and blow you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Idk if this has been done before, I thought of it today in gym class: what’s a baby’s favorite clothing brand? Fruit of the womb"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"What's the deal with the non-linear structure?\", the bartender asks. Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Daddy shark was teaching his son how to hunt... \"You see those humans over there son...\"\"Yes Dad, shall we attack them by surprise?\"\"No son, first we circle round them for about ten minutes...\"\"But dad... why? I'm hungry!\"\"Well son, they taste better without any shit in them...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pencil isn't John Wick's primary murder weapon. But it's definitely number 2."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms. I thought they weren't open till Monday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't superman fight cyber crime? Because he's scared of krypto currency."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The key to paradise Son: dad, what does mum have between her legs.Dad: paradiseSon: what do you have between your legs.Dad: the key to paradiseSon: maybe you should change the locks.Dad: what? Why do you say that?Son: because the neighbour has a 2nd key to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called? A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the 80's pop band \"A Flock of Seagulls\" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Wales? A Entertainment Center."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They tried to hide the yard sale at the cemetery but failed miserably It was a dead giveaway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do writers hate the bible? It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So many weird stuff on the internet these days Makes me think if corona virus was just a 'you are what you eat' by a Batman fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend: Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment. Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued... “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Ninja Turtles favorite brand of saki? Oroku, because it shreds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old man is walking around with his zipper opened. His wife notices and turns to him and tells him to zip up his zipperWhich he relpies, \"Why? What cant get up can't get out.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the magician with a speech impediment say to the fisherman? Pick a cod, any cod."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial. Instagram"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The show \"COPS\" is no longer filmed honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roofing business is having a great promotion right now... If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just put my father's ashes in the bin. I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wise squirrel once said \"you are what you eat\". Don't believe him, he was a nut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to date a periodicals librarian… …but we broke up because she had too many issues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A knight used to party hard He was called Sir Dancelot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team? She swallowed a fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pig jump into the pot of stew? Because it was stew-pig"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class. Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a \"paranoid little weirdo\" In morse code"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the dinosaur that couldn't stop coughing? It was a bronchitisaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "A suspected poacher was trampled to death by an elephant then eaten by lions in a South Africa safari park last week. Some hunters claim their work is 'beneficial to the greater animal population'.\n\nWell in this case I agree, those lions might have got a bit peckish otherwise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine. It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others. The rangers kicked me out!Said I was Crittersizing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork... I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me.\"Don't go down there, Señor...\" he tells me, \"... Eet might be a Hambush.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that's been working out? Dude's shredded"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baker say when she won an award? \"It was a piece of cake.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we \"be positive\", but it's hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, \"Where do you see yourself in five years?\" I told him, \"I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, No, just leave it in the carton!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a cow use to do math? A cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week? They're having a hard time moving inventory now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum... But now, they have security cameras everywhere [not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie. He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. \"Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde goes to the doctor and says \"I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina\" The doctor takes a look and says \"Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rainforest cafe is getting to realistic I was just sitting there enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just bought a pair of trainers from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... \"I'm scared\" said the little girl.\"You're scared?!\" Said the man. \"At least you don't have to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who hurts instruments? A sax offender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend got tired of being locked up at home. So we locked him up inside of a casket instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mosquito landed on my balls Hardest decision of my life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't women be writers? They're afraid of periods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a revolving door and a pair of pantyhose have in common? My grandma needs a lot of help getting out of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Growing up in a colony, the nuns told me to never turn your back on a priest. I mean, there's a reason why they became missionaries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can i see your report card ? Dad :  \"Can I see your report card, son?\"Son: \"I don't have it.\"Dad: \"Why?\"Son: \"I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "First 4 letters of Nevada is Neva In case you were wondering when they would finish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just put C4 in my washer And blew my load"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated. She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, \"oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote an article about \"The top 10 worst places to stick a fork\"... The 5th one will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are women so bad at parking cars? Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone... I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When your date shows up in a white suit that's covered in honey... You know she's gonna be a keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went out for dinner. After my meal, my waiter asked me how I found my steak. I said \"I looked for my baked potatoe and there it was.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting. It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend recently left me after we had an argument about What is Love Such a shame, too, she really Haddaway with words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was flipping through the channels.... and my wife asked was on the TV. I said \"dust\"And that's how the fight started."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one John say to the other John? What’s the matter? You look flushed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.” She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man ask his boss for more salad? He thought he was due a celery increase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was baking the other day and as I was baking, my Caribbean friend came into my kitchen with a slice of cake and asked, \"Jamaican cake?\" so I replied, \"No, I'm making a pie.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A robber broke into a perfume store... He raided the register and stole everything in the store, he took every last scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three Chinese friends Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United StatesIn order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu..... decided to travel back to China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Both a surgeon and a tattoo artist have to have a steady hand, With the surgeon it's the difference between life and death, with the tattoo artist it's the difference between a beautiful mermaid and a fat bitch with an fish up her ass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a one-legged woman Matiltda"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My best 'adult' toys are made in Ireland. They're my 'O' tools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm giving up masturbating for an entire month. Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me... I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony? The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.Who is the most popular woman?The one who can eat the last doughnut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic His new gig is just a little bit funny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Todays News: Russia takes a step towards inclusivity by establishing new task force comprised of Gay/Bi/Pan/Trans/etc enlistees... Introducing: The KGBT"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad. The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him \"do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?\"The snail said \"No I don't. It happened so fast:-(\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a red onion and a brown onion? About 50 cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the blacksmith charged with? Forgery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a white supremacist at a BLM rally? An ambulance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a space pun But i need a little more time to planet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, \"Don't worry, it'll grow on you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, \"do you know how to drive this thing?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes. \"I won't stand for this\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do orphans like to play tennis ? Because the ball comes back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Popcorn, ice, sand, water is my bucket list. What's yours?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person that sells cow poop? An entre-manure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who does Santa listen to when he's out riding in his sleigh? Elfis Presently"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a medical condition, where i sometimes Turn into a small Tower with a weapon on top. My doctor said, it is called \"Turret-Syndrome\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you search \"pig\" on Google Images, every image has the same file type. They're all .jpigs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge? He wanted to gather his THOTs first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song giving us time to change the song."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the French actor jump into a river? Because it was in the scene!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did we leap from 2k to 4k resolution? Because 3k is racist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican. The first nun says \"I've never come this way before.\" The second nun says \"yeah, must be the cobblestones.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do they refer to network ports as female? Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar Harvey says, \"Hey Bill, buy me a drink!\"Bill shouts back, \"I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "They should put more wine in a bottle.... So there's enough for 2 people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a strange way, I was really looking forward to the hurricane and I was disappointed when it was downgraded... I thought others round these here parts would echo my sentiment, but I guess Carolinians are used to being disappointed by the Hurricanes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still remember what my uncle said right before the toilet broke... \"SHIT!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby in full plate armor? *Infantry*Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans. I called for there server: \"Waitress, there's soup in my fly\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Russian leaders coffin? A czarcophahus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do fans supporting The Culinary Institute of America cheer at their sporting events? Die or Beat Us!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin's lamp... Wife: Oh my god, you're SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling? Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times. Wife: Awww, you're so sweet baby! And did it work?Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a pilot’s favorite kind of bagel? Plain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a fat girl and a pallet of shingles have in common? ...they both have a 90% chance of being nailed by a Mexican."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when you get aroused by jumping through windows? Autoerotic Defenestration"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Windows was unable to establish a network connection\" \"would you like to go online to find further assistance?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Let me tell you the story about the chicken that breaths throught it's asshole... One day, it sat on a rock and died.The end."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A fowl smell!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got arrested today I got arrest today, apparently you aren't allowed to do doughnuts within 200ft of a school zone... the frosting worked as great lubricant though"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?” “I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.“Who?” the son asks.“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece wouldn't eat the beef tongue because it came out of the mouth of an animal. I then prepared her an egg..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fat girl was wearing a T-Shirt that said \"Guess\" on it So I walk up to her and say \"385\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him Guilty as charged"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato that makes videos for the internet? A YouTUBER."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have trouble admitting my mistakes It's not my fault."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is height reduction surgery almost always a bad deal? Because you're guaranteed to get short-changed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents called a meeting just to tell me I'm really well-suited to my environment? I don't remember exactly what they said, but it was something like, \"son, you're adapted.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well... That’s a deep subject."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Christmas cake recipe **Required Ingredients:*** 1 cup of water* 1 cup of sugar* 4 large brown eggs* 2 cups of dried fruit* 1 teaspoon of salt* 1 cup of brown sugar* Lemon juice* Nuts* 1 bottle of whiskey**Preparation:**Sample the whi... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do programmers like to hangout? The Foo Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with, but I couldn't pick a side"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a fish that can dunk? swooshi !(proud of this one)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a coin shortage in America They are officially out of Common Cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wanna sell seashells by the seashore? Well that’s a lot easier done than said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an alarm in the mornimg But it's to tell me to go to sleep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers? A: Because they make no cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $ That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the corner shop - bought four corners"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I'd rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office Trump remarks,\"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion.\"Bill Gates says,\"But I'm worth 90 billion.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are like kangaroos They die when they get shot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio. Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a hipster's favorite element? Fe, because it's so ironic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste. Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties? Because they are formyl group."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crocodiles. He hate them. Ever since his father was killed by a crocodile, my cousin couldn't stand the sight of crocodiles. Whether its TV, in pictures or even stuffed animals.He can't even stand the crocodile on brand logos. He's just become very Lacost-intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kebab prepared by a librarian? A shush-kebab"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, do you want to come back to my place and regulate our body temperatures using external sources? No hom(e)o(stasis)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man it was really raining cats and dogs today. Sure hope I don’t step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Question: “How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?” Answer: “Seven. One to change the bulb and six to design the T-shirt.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the fastest form of communication? Sign language....since it travels at the speed of light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the one currency superman can't hold? Kryptocurrency."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part about having a lung transplant? Coughing up someone else's phlegm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread. He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you have when your mother in law is up to her neck in cement? Not enough cement"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a steak prepared à la Robert Kraft at a steakhouse outside Gilette Stadium. It was well-aged meat, massaged with an Asian rub, publicly grilled and roasted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, \"I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out.\" \"Fine with me,\" said the dentist, \"but I'll have to adjust the chair.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A famous serial killer made a music video of all of his killings but the drum track was lost and unable to be duplicated. I can’t believe he killed all of those people without any re-percussion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs? He will build alternative fact-tories"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library, asks the librarian, \"Do you have the new book on living life with a small penis?\" She searches her computer and says, \"I Don't See Anything, I Don't Think Its In Yet.\"The man says, \"Yes, that's the one!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich? Oops wrong sub"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Trump terrorist who tried to blow up a car? He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy : My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to the Doctor and says: \"Help, Doc. I'm scared of letters.\" Doctor: Are you?Man: Aahh!Doctor: Oh, you are. Man: Aaaaahhhhh!Doctor: It's okay , I see! Man AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This one time a Persian guy tried to fight me Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons? A crustacean menstruation station."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is chicken used as currency called? Legal tender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the printer say when it ran out of paper? Oh sheet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert E. Lee once said: \"I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it.\" That's just generally speaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "there was a suspicion of university diploma forgery There was a suspicion of university diploma forgery. The police went to investigate that. \"There was no proof that any crime was commited,\" said the police officer, John Brown J.D., M.D., B.D., Ph.D."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just struck in the head by a flying bottle of omega 3 pills! .... luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do ghosts deposit their mail? The Ghost Office!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team? Allllllllllll righty then!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper? A fizzician!I’ll see myself outEdit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...Thanks for the gold and silvers!Happy New Years y’all!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? (aka 'The 4:20 Joke' from How I Met Your Mother) [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick in your ass. (Featured in season 4, episode 20 : \"Mosbius Designs\", on the glorious HIMYM)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60... ...She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 men discussing why they joined the army.... \"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army.\" says the first man.The second one replies, \"I'm married and I like peace.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you really have to pee, your Russian to the bathroom, when you walk out, you're Finnish, so what are you while you're inside? European!  This was one of my dad's jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the ghost depressed? Because it was a nobody"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to colonize space? Because of meteor rights"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the oyster get dumped by his girlfriend? He’s shellfish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last week I fucked my sister in law This week I fucked my brother in geography"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the farmers to attend a meeting on Thursday morning. None of them turnip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The recipe said, \"put the stew in at 180 degrees\", so I did… Now it's all over the bottom of the fucking oven…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy from the damn Daniel vine was arrested for kidnapping children. You could say that he was back at it again with the white vans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the tragic crash of the small plane into the cemetery? So far they've recovered 324 bodies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my kids to the shooting range today. But they said I had to use the paper targets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese judge comes out of session. Meets another judge who asks \"What's so funny?\"\"Oh, someone just told the best political joke ever.\"\"Care to share?\"\"Can't. Sentenced him to 10 years for it\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all? A swinger."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money. He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:“I followed the con-text clues.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old romanian joke that my grandfather keeps telling . During the communist era in Romania the Security (secret police) was like the heart of the country.They were just beating, and beating and beating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is arguing and breaking up And he says:- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A clickbait writer dies and goes to hell. And you won't **BELIEVE** what happens next!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mum so she can show Dad when he gets home.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I smoke weed in all kinds of weather I just dont in hail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice... The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I are a perfect match. For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Turn around (Found my 18 year old diary. This is what I wrote in it) What do you get when you turn wolf around?Flow.What do you get when you turn star around?Rats.What do you get when you turn shit around?Dirty hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys But Woody?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast. The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.  It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat? They’re always Russian or Dragging"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus(Full Disclosure: I'm showing Jurassic Park to my kids for the first time)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm, And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.  It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do two tiger sharks mate? I don’t know. They’re fucking underwater"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air. He must be a sportscaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out the news that I'm color blind I was surprised. It came completely out of the green."}
{"character": "random", "line": "scooby-doo: it’s a g-g-g-ghost! **ghost:** holy fuck a talking dog!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust acupuncture specialists? They'll always stab you in the back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked? Because the sign said tennis shoes only.*edit*Thanks for the sliver kind person"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius. Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad needed some advice on how to wrap birthday presents properly He looked up \"Enimem-rap god\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a misbehaving glove? A badmiton"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the highest form of flattery? A plateau."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What will Santa bring to naughty boys and girls this year Coalrona"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leopard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is yellow and climbs trees? A banana stuck in Tarzan's arse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized... It is open sauce"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action. So I expanded the kitchen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. I hope."}
{"character": "random", "line": "-40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back. She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to tell my grandma about colon cancer... ...But she didn't give a shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself? He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are some things I can't get a grip on. And that's why I stick to handles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... \"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?\" He asked. \"Where were you educated?\"\"Yale,\" replied the young accountant.\"Such a grand university - what is your name?\"\"Yim Yohansen\" replied the accountant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't MS Word files allowed here? Rule 4: No docx-ing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark Otherwise you might tell someone \"your daughter is having their first question mark.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner It was definitely worth the transaction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I find it hard to talk openly about the holes in my hands and feet Just feels likes there’s a lot of stigmata attached"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people? None of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why are balloons so expensive? A: Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would bears be without the letter B? Ears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you? An iWitness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, 'That’s arson.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed. After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today. God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles! Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me... I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time is like a mountain It is very difficult to budget"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to know a fun fact about my social security number? It's long and unique, unlike my penis. But like my penis, has never been used by anyone else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sharks say when he ate a clownfish? This tastes a little funny.My real intention here is to ask you guys for some help... I need a 30 second english jokes because it's a requirement for my subject. PLEASE HELP ME."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Royal Dentist Joke Two peasants are having a chat and one says \"Why did the king go to the dentist's?\"The other peasant, confused, says \"no I don't, please tell me\"The first peasant then hits him with \"to get his teeth crowned!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week? They're having a hard time moving inventory now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others. The rangers kicked me out!Said I was Crittersizing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tattoo does a Postal Service worker get? A tramp stamp, and it says, \"No postage necessary if nailed in the US.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When trouble brews, why do members of the White House staff rush the president to the Oval Office? Because he can never be cornered there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got scammed by an Irish cat, but I should have known.. It was your classic Leopard con"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear caught in a rain shower. A drizzly bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas? They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbour was sunbathing naked in her garden and as I was wanking while watching her from the window I caught my wife staring at me in the doorway... Do you think she might be a pervert?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which song would an exception sing? Can't catch me - Avicii"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with a drinking problem? Hepatosaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts. It was a tit-for-tat situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is the longest toilet in the world? Indian Railways"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, everyone's ignoring me! \"Sharon, please send in my next patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist They said it wasn’t fair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do to snitches in the snowman mafia? You ice em’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear... I overheard him telling his colleague that I had \"Serious healthy shoes\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend: Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment. Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: \"Book, book, book\" The librarian hands out three books to the chicken.On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: \"Book, book, book\"The frog replies: \"Reddit, reddit, reddit\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles. In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does 100% humidity mean? Even dry farts feel like wet farts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga. I like to stay on top of current affairs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I guess China finally got what they want They managed to coronise the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do motorcycles fall over? Because they're too tired.(Told to me by my 5 year old)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss. Me: Is it contagious?Doctor: Is what contagious?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man gets a job at a computer store that sells food shaped computers. He was fired for trying to take a byte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having your period on Valentine's day Is a pain in the ass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ghost walks into a bar at 4 am. The bartender says: “sorry, we don’t serve spirits after 3.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Really tired today... Feels like I had a long March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can never trust what your stomach is saying. It's constantly making shit up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "r/Jokes won't allow you to sort by new anymore... Since everything is made of 100% recycled content."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Australians say when they play chess? Check, mate!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park. Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”Translation - “Big? Thanks!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic? He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "February 1st, 1234 AD must’ve been the birth of the worlds best drummer One / two / one two three four!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a disease coming from China? Kung-Pow Sicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tattoo does a Postal Service worker get? A tramp stamp, and it says, \"No postage necessary if nailed in the US.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got in touch with my inner self today. I'm never buying cheap toilet paper again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a loaf of rye in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were Dracula's pancakes so terrible? He got turned into bat-ter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Purchase these 60 bad dad jokes in the giftbox below when you shop online at The Present Finder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, \"I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even?' 'Take away the s.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll call you later.' Don't call me later, call me Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. \"No,\" I said. \"It's to look at.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. \"Sure,\" I said. \"My door is always open.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Bri'ish people never pronounce the letter 't' ? Because they drank it all"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If your election lasts more than 48 hours, consult a physician."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would like to personally thank the creator of the word \"plethora.\" It means a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said: Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost get arrested? For possession"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I emptied a bottle of leftover hair-dye down the toilet. Shit got dark pretty fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new \"Divorce Barbie\" She comes with half of Ken's stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red Roses are red Violets are blue Sugar is sweet And so are you.The roses have wilted The violets are dead The sugar bowl's empty And so is your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom made me a bowl of soup yesterday Still trying to figure out how to return to my human form."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish Reddit had read receipts... so I can see who I just disappointed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call that red stain around a shark's mouth? Residude."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night? -I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.-That's not going to work.-Why not?-Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been trying to get a job on The Weather Channel forever... But turnover is low due to their low pressure system"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wanna hear a geography joke? Bob : \"Hey Tom if you're Hungary I'll Serbia a Turkey Sandwich\"Tom : \"Oman that was a bad joke\"Bob : \"Yemen I know\"Tom : \"You Syriasly need to stop with these jokes...\"Bob : \"But Iraq at making jokes :(\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me who played Forrest Gump? T.hanks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We've all heard the one about the twin boys - once you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal. But have you heard the one about the twin girls - Sharon is Karen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering. The host said, \"This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award  Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say They are all paid actors anyway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him. It was the incel's Excel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the moisture that forms between two lovers in Alabama? Relative Humidity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle invited me to a Benefit next weekend celebrating women without legs. Said the place would be crawling with pussy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It” Too many Maine characters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis? Fucks funny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor thinks he’s invented a new procedure to remove a woman’s uterus Other doctors point out this is already a well known operationThe doctor replies “oh well it’s historic-to-me”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.Yeah, I know its Def Leppard, auto correct messed that up for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards. It’s because I’m Ruthless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they're making a low-budget version of Dunkirk? They're calling it Dunkirkland"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, everyone's ignoring me! \"Sharon, please send in my next patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have some wire frames and a curved lens. Is that anything to make a spectacle of?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money? Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players… The servers are currently down..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "accidentally swallowed a bag of scrabble letters my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was accused of throwing shade today All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If i had nickel for every time a woman thought i was ugly They would find me atractive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor doctor, whenever I climb to the top of a mountain or tall building and look down, I always get the compulsion to sing classical music! Hmm. Sounds like you have a bad case of Verdigo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kitten that lost their tongue? Mew-t"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call French people who like manga and anime? Ouibs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died from being crushed by a giant crab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that the \"o\" in Irish names denote that you're a grandson My great-great-great-great grandfather was Reilly, Vehiclepiece. I'm O'O'O'Reilly, Autoparts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does Luke Skywalker like to vacation? The HimaLeah"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful = Against the lawIllegal = A sick bird"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street. Police are combing the area."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times? Because they used to spit fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series. 108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hispanic girls can not be a man's peace. Its literally in their name. (His)(panic)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a local female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them. It just gives us some scents of perp puss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air. He must be a sportscaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie. But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!\" I was yelling at my pregnant wife.. But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pravda news from April 27th 1986 Glorious Soviet technology allowed workers at Chernobyl power plant to complete five year plan of power production in mere five milliseconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tourist walks into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?”The bartender replies, “Yeah, but he’s not too bright. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, \"Would you like a latte?\" And the Canadian responds to him \"Nah, just a bit, eh.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank? Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you? It's said to have a very low margarine of error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the crazy person get out of the forest? He took the psychopath!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been falling asleep listening to comedy specials and I don't think it's good for my health Because I keep feeling funny in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about a parking ticket? No??FINE."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mondays God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did over the weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do sumo wrestlers avoid skydiving? Because a fat man  falling to  Japan is a  bad idea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If life is soup Then I am fork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My upstairs neighbor recently made a groundbreaking discovery... He can't fly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the hardest part about sky diving? The ground."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Ross from Friends always in the fountain in the intro? Because he’s a Schwimmer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The lead actor in a play has become very ill. This is a case of lead poisoning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like a fucking bitch"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder? Diableatus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Be a winner. Never, ever take drugs. Sell them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never dated a clam but i have pulled a few mussels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "April 4th National School Librarian Day I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books. She said, “that sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superglue comes with a warning: \"Caution - Instantly bonds skin.\" But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: \"Caution - Instantly bonds kin.\" That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, \"What's black and white and red all over?\" \"Wow\" I replied. \"You speak English?\"She replied, \"Just a riddle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened.. The Dentist told her she needs a crown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory? The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies? He becomes a ghost-ghost writerOr...Drake's career ends either of the two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I received a letter from my opticians, but I’m concerned about their printer.... Either it’s failing or they used a blurry font. So weird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed it’s tooth? The dentist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my mate were playing darts he said \"Nearest to bull starts?\", I said \"Baa,\" he said \"Moo,\" I said \"You're first then.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Skittles go to school? *They wanted to become Smarties*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper from a kilometer away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the joke of little Jef in the bathroom? Me neither, the door was locked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was at the immigration office, I interrupted an officer answering his phone and told him \"Ship them back where they came from. They have a tendency to explode\". He arrested me for being Islamophobic. As I was dragged out, I was yelling \"I was talking about your Samsung Galaxy Note 7!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Made love to my wife for 64 minutes last night Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A crab walks into a bar... The Barman says \"I can't serve you mate, you're already walking sideways\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was spending too time pairing socks after they’d been washed When I buy new socks, I now glue them together"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need. 2B or not 2B, that is the question."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when the plate stole the cups date right in front of them? A BOWLD MOVE!it’s 6AM here and I rushed on here to type it before I forgot...so enjoy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time? She turned her car into a tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you remember which direction the sun rises in? Eventually, it'll dawn on you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moovies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross Halloween with rugby? Drop ghouls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. That's my stepladder, he said. I never knew my real ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife laughed at me when I told her I could make a car out of macaroni. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"I'll serve you, but don't start anything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, 'I love you.' 'Is that you or the beer talking?' she asked. I answered, 'It’s me… talking to my beer.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down,' the tree complains. 'I’m a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen? Moscow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the crazy person get out of the forest? He took the psychopath!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? Ass crack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you muzzle a wounded sheep? To help stop the bleating"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my wife while we working at the same museum I met my wife while we were working at the same museum. Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family has been specializing in ventilator sales for over 40 years. I don't know why we've been getting so many creeps lately at our Only Fans store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ? The female will tell you how to eat her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A soldier was rushed to the hospital with a horrific bayonet wound. Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses. I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when Darth Vader sneezes? George Lucas yells \"Cut!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard you like tree puns... Willow Yule please tell me what kind Juniper Fir?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old lady is at tea and her host asks \"Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?\" \"Oh no,\" shudders the old lady, \"I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Zayn say to his girlfriend after winning the match? Gg Hadid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m always playing with it. I always have it in my hand. I pull it out at family parties or hanging out with friends. I’ve been known to just whip it out in public, at the park, at the playground. I’m talking about my phone, you sicko!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless. Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customer service at restaurants is HORRIBLE. Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see \"Employees must wash hands\" on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games. They lost the opener."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people have heard the phrase \"Great minds think alike\" What they don't know is what comes after \"Idiots seldom differ\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts I call it premature evacuation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist? A: \"Is there a dog?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shovels are incredible They're ground-breaking technology!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what disease is really hard to beat? Erectile dysfunction. (This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to COVID I’ve been reading article after article forwards and backwards trying to make sense of it all. And I have to say, I still don’t know what DIVOC is going on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you trick a guy into going to a tennis match? Tell him you're going to a women's singles event."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife's an absolute treasure.... By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my handyman why did he paint my staircase white He was indeed puzzled. The only thing I got from him is a blank stair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Rihanna say to her Grandmother with Alzheimer's? Oh nana, What's my name?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend. I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last Thursday, Bob ran into the supermarket in a hurry. \"Ouch!\" he said, then continued on his way, making sure to run around the supermarket this time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two flies are sat on a dog poo. One of them breaks wind, and the other says…. Do you mind! I’m eating!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a pole recently and turns out that 100% of people dont like it.. When their tent falls down..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver? **Ag**stralia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two criminals stole a calendar They got six months each"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get Texas to regulate their power grid? Rename it uterus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a pair of Meatloaf underpants [NSFW] The front says \"I would do anything for love\", and the back says \"but I won't do that\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?” I said, “That’s for tomorrow.”My wife: Huh?Me: It’s Black Fry Day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news. \"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first.\"\"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play.\"\"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!\" \"You balls are 3 inches from the pin.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies. Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women are the foundation of our society But men are the ones who laid the foundation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I like to think back to when my dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill ...those were the Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do crabs get around on land? They use the sidewalk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food... ...I am like I am single because I have strong hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning? Daylight cum(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman stops a guy running with scissors \\- \"Hey, where are you running with those scissors?\" asks policeman.\\- \"To hospital. They just called and told me my mother in-law life is hanging by a thread\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m fat but I self identify as thin. I’m trans slender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK, Rolling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shoe say to the confused hat? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s your name, son?' The principal asked his student. The kid replied, 'D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.' 'Do you have a stutter?' the principal asked. The student answered, 'No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, 'All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.' 'If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?' asked the second friend. 'I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, 'Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?' What an odd way to begin a conversation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got all of them cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768 I’m not buying any new tv’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just put my father's ashes in the bin. I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL the creator of Corn Pops also invented Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks His tombstone just says \"cereal entrepreneur\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Twitter is like a bank account When you enter the wrong opinion five times, your account gets locked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common? A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son lost his first milk tooth today.. I hope that would teach him never to touch my PlayStation again .."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently came up with a pirate-themed tabletop RPG, but then the makers of Dungeons and Dragons found out. They sent me a seas-and-d6 letter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of environment do hobbits live in? A hobbitat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the average American so stupid? Because they keep shooting the ones that go to school..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the two steps to marrying a country girl? First; a tractor.Next; fertilizer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?” And thus the giraffe was born."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: A shipment of Viagra has just been stolen The police are still on the lookout for the hardened criminals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day... He loves his pot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two photographers are walking down a street. One of them trips and fall onto the ground.The second one immediately falls down next to him and says: “Excellent angle! What are we shooting?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Turkish man named Robert? Kebob."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick. This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the alligator and crocodile leave the olympics so upset? They both cayman last."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad. The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him \"do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?\"The snail said \"No I don't. It happened so fast:-(\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online. Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's been an incredibly long and tense wait but, now, finally, for the first time in what seems like forever I can say ... Today is my cake day. What? Something else going on at 4:09 a.m. East Coast time today?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my cat, \"how are you?\" He said he was, \"feline fine\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it. Because#**YOU SHALL NOT PASS!**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering.... .....but the illegal part would be the gathering."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware! Could be a set up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens in a library bathroom? People take shhhhhhhits"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the host of the Discovery Channel's show Dirty Jobs has 2 degrees? In Mike Rowe Economics and Mike Rowe Biology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier... A deadline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I a tendency to skip words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team. He's the pitcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care! As a Canadian I am outraged!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper  Never mind—it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call your grandmothers husband? Grandmotherfucker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and goes to summer camp? A brussel scout!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.So far there has been mixed reviews.People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I want a divorce\" I told the judge. \"All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar. \"What is she doing that for?\" Asked the judge.\"Fu***ng looking for me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Waiter, why do I have a hearing aid in my soup?\" “Excuse me, what?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt? Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!- Anthony Jeselneck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We had to get a new all-in-one printer, after a lot of fighting. The old one couldn't handle the fax."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once knew a girl with no eyebrows. she had a hard time expressing herself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When finally the quarantaine is over and you have the following options: A. Going on vacation with your wife. B. Having a barbecue with your friends. What would you choose? Spareribs or hamburgers?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever wondered why bees hum? It's because they don't know the words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would not say I am a fan of steam punk but it is the healthiest way to prepare punk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the profession of the handsomest atoms? They're atomic models"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of a chick flick? A Rush concert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend and I saw a pair of clogs. They said, \"I think those go on your feet.\"I said, \"you would say that, wooden shoe.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Talking shoes What did the shoes say to the capri pants?  \"What's up britches!\"  What did the shoes say to the black underpants?  \"Whassup my knickers?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? A: \"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't find my Gone in 60 seconds' DVD. It was here a minute ago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That's not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, \"I have an imaginary girlfriend.\" The father sighs and says, \"You know, you could do better.\" \"Thanks Dad,\" the son says. \"That means a lot.\" The father shakes his head and goes, \"I was talking to your girlfriend.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation?' 'Pear-is!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants? My ice cream cone. =(*Inspired by actual events."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 65 year old mum bought one of those sphynx cats the other day. Now she's going around telling everyone about her new bald pussy! TrueMotherFuckingStory!! Face-palm!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright? Yeah, he will be 0K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told \"no\" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the NRA file for bankruptcy? Because classes are being taught virtually"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was organizing my closet and decided to smell the moth balls. Yuck. The hardest part was holding his tiny legs apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Observational humor isn't funny See?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of asexuals are playing cards one, the dealer, says \"I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Years ago, Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo died in custody under Xi Jinping, who denied any connection to the incident. They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother. Catching her picking her nose just put me right off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I got asked out by 6 girls I was in the girls' bathroom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.>!The rest 20% are missing!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution? HDMI"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife’s showing symptoms of Alzheimers. She’s telling me everyday that she can’t remember what she saw in me that made her marry me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher. It was a weapon of math destruction.I'm so sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really like going to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but.. I just wish they would make me a fresh plate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an STD that loves makeup? Glamydia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Baking is a weird profession Loafing on the job can get you a raise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To be on the safe side What did the Caseys name their third boy, whom they had just to keep them company in the rare event that their first two children died young?.......Justin Casey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I threw a boomerang 5 years ago Today, I live in constant fear.\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a New Zealander’s favorite book? 50 Shades of Graze"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a vegetarian zombie say? Grains! Grains!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: \"Why are you laughing?\"  \"I was thinking about my own funeral\" the man replied.  \"What's so funny about that?\"  \"I'm a gynecologist.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I must be out of my mind! Me: You and me both!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth? His mouth was 4 molarPost your favorite nerd chem jokes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A caterer was sprinting down the hallway with a pan of scrambled eggs. My first instinct repsonse: \"I hope they like their eggs runny\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dog walks into the unemployment office.. \"I need a job.\" He said, in perfect English.Surprised, the clerk says \"I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?\"\"If you like.\" Replied the dog. \"But why would the circus need an architect?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just looked at me and pointed to a pea on her plate, she said I found it on the table behind my plate She said it was an esca-pea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity. So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.Free of charge"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in the days, I'd only take just $1 with me to the supermarket and came back with 3 bottles of soda and 2 bags of crisps But these days, there are surveillance cameras everywhere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a wheel work? Tirelessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the news about Microsoft retiring Internet Explorer in 2022? I don’t know about you, but I’m on edge over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A biologist, a mathematician, and a physicist watch as two people enter an empty house and three people leave the house. The biologist says, \"They reproduced.\"The mathematician says, \"If one person enters the house, it will be empty again.\"The physicist says, \"At least one of our observations was incorrect.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "help shark The other day i was at the beach when i saw a guy in the sea flailing about and shouting \"help shark help shark\" i thought its nice that he is asking the shark for help but he should probably call the lifeguard instead"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell.... But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from the sandpaper factory They said I was too abrasive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the biggest drawback to voting by mail? Postage from Russia will cost a fortune!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that... ...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll. They’re the troll kin white guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated eating my greens in school when I was a kid They always tasted worse than the other crayons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s tighter than a dead virgin? My alibi"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes? At the owlet malls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It seems that today you either have to dress like a masculine motor king or a feminine flower queen; I wish there was a middle ground. A daisy duke if you will."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you call a talkative Trekkie? A: William Chatner!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My five year old niece told me this one... What do you call a 60 foot platypus? A platybus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was swindled by a tiny man dressed in green. He was begging and I gave him money because he claimed to be afflicted by a horrible and infamous skin disease. I have since learned that claim was false.Yes, I fell victim to a classic leper con."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, \"Fifty Shades of Grey\". I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, \"thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Snowman's jizz? Jack Frost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I killed the glove industry With my bare hands"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do monsters like to watch movies on? Wide scream TVs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sausage puns are the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What if there were no hypothetical questions?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?' 'Pilgrims.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A submarine sounds the emergency alarm “What is it? cries the captain.“It’s the navigation, sir” replies the commander. “I can’t get our bearings! There don’t seem to be any continents in this region!”And that’s why this sub went down. A lack of a regional continent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into the forest to seek out the Oracle Guy: \" O great Oracle, I have come to ask of you but one thing! Is there a disappointment in my future?\"The Oracle: \"Yes.\"Guy: \"Aw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Obese friend of mine was going through some tough time. So I asked him if he needed any help? He said “No Thank you, I have a lot on my plate now”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother does unspeakable things at the beach. She sells sea-shells on the seashore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The USA is number 1 when dialing internationally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many members of Stack Overflow does it take to change a lightbulb? Closed, question seems like off-topic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place? They always bring up the rear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? He got mugged!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Yarn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad cooks dinner. He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of toilets do pirates prefer? Port-a-potties.I'll sea myself out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote an article about \"The top 10 worst places to stick a fork\"... The 5th one will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? \"internyet!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is a pain in the arse, but I'll always buy her flowers. Fucks with her hay-fever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Alzheimers day on thursday... It's Alzheimers day on thursday..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Wall Street accountant asked me if she is too fat for her suit. I told her she’s too big to fail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog Syndrome keeps jumping up on people. Down, Syndrome!(I blame [this joke](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/i6d96/my_dog_mitten_ate_two_shuttlecocks_this_morning/) for dredging this up from my memory)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days. Britches be crazy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two high jumpers walked into a bar Two high jumpers walked into a bar.The third one won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match... The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.It's because the cons outweigh the pros."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does america always score top on shooting in the Olympics? Because we train in the best schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station...The other's a busty crustacean!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Britain leaves EU, how much space will be freed up? 1 GB"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boss: Why do you- Me: *sshhh*Boss: What is your biggest wea-Me: *sshhh*Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does everyone like the fisherman? He likes to keep it reel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For those who dare steal Death's pillows.. Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Great Grandfather died in the Holocaust. He fell off a watch tower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW My friend found a girl tied to the train tracks. He told me he untied her and they went back to his place, I asked what they got up to and he said they had sex all night. Impressed by this I asked him if he got any head to which he said Nah I couldn’t find it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't joke about power outages That's just dark humor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase? Man, he petty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the opposite of colonization? Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called \"Radiator Springs.\" That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians? Ho Ho Ho!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Interactive Pirate Joke \"What's a pirate's favorite letter? ArrrrWhat's a pirate's favorite color? ArrrrangeWhat's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?\"at this point you pause and wait for your audience to say \"the arrrmy\"\"No, the Navy, dumbass\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is yellow in color that you shouldn’t try to drink? A school bus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was about to throw out my old pillows, then I thought na, I'll sleep on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandad went down in history. .....he also fingered someone in geography."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Upper class people avoid using the term \"69\" as they feel it's uncouth... They refer to it as \"181\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from the sandpaper factory They said I was too abrasive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want a box for leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What noises do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, cackle and pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did two tall people get along so well? The could really see eye to eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The recipe said, \"Set the oven to 180 degrees.\" But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Ironman without the suit? Stark naked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dog walks into the unemployment office.. \"I need a job.\" He said, in perfect English.Surprised, the clerk says \"I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?\"\"If you like.\" Replied the dog. \"But why would the circus need an architect?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm sorry you're dealing with imposter syndrome You don't deserve it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes into a book shop and asks the assistant, \"I heard there's a new book just out about living with a small penis. I'm not sure what it's called. Have you got it in yet?\" Assistant: \"Yes, that's the one.\"(Other versions have been posted but I reckon this is the right formulation...)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning? \"Just 5 more minutes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't birds were underpants? Because their peckers are on their faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The surgeon general warns, \"do not run while smoking marijuana\". It's hard on your joints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I heard Australia just ordered a mass cull of over 5000 camels yesterday... Wouldn't be the first time a drunk Aussie polished off a pack of camels in an afternoon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions Well, color me surprised!also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, \"Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?\" \"Chilly\", he replies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor? He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can make you see your brain! That's just how eye-roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge.  I didn’t say a word, said the third."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re still in the mood for snail jokes: A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back. The host asks him, \"And what are you?\" The man says \"I'm a snail.\" The host says, \"And who's that on your back?\" and the man says, \"That's Michelle!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do vampires pay for things? Crypt-currency."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If someone unearths a source of untold power then it is a discovery If someone is not told about an unearthed power source, it is a shock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cat Cousins (OC) Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin?He followed lynx in his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Father in law just made an accidental calculus joke By the time I got to calculus in math, I realized I had reached my limit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried marrying a melon... But apparently we cantaloupe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the grizzly who didn't like his daughter wearing a crop top? He disapproved of her exposing her bear midriff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Those push-up bras aren't very good, are they? I wore my wife's to the gym this morning and I still couldn't manage more than six."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said \"I miss New york\" So I smashed his window in and stole his radio."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniel's? Jack is still killing Indians."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a low budget circumcision? A rip-off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my kids to the shooting range today. But they said I had to use the paper targets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an explosives specialist from Oklahoma? OK boomer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do people in the Middle-East tend to be homophobic? They have had bad experiences with mandates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently broke it off with a pair of conjoined twins. I said, \"It's not you, it's you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips? Pine-terist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom, how do you eat light bulbs? \\- What? light bulbs? No honey, light bulbs can't be eaten. Where did you hear that?\\- Last night I heard my dad tell you \"*Turn off the lights 'cause you're gonna eat it all*\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.She came in and said \"Mrs Philips, you can't do that.\"\"Why not?\" She asked, \"I enjoy doing it.\"\"Yes.\" She replied, \"but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 5 naked French men? Deix Nuts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the baseball player whose full name was babe? He was ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter. I call it inter-mitten fasting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery? We tart it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I said to the manager \"try before you buy\" It still got me kicked out of the sex toy shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.Fury: Wait, are you serious?Tony: No cap"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea? One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the drug addicted, sea faring geologist do? Smoke seaweed, does crystal math and sails on the *high* seas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits.. \"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!\"\"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once told a joke about Orpheus and Eurydice. Looking back...It was a bad idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats. Every patient that's made it there has flu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick... She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument. He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees? They're really good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel down from a tree? You pull down you pants and show him your nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a lady at the bank checking her balance so I pushed her over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she's crying? Are you having a Crisis?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with \"orange.\" And I said, \"No, it doesn't!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?' 'Supplies!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace?' 'Lettuce pray.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Held a poker night where the buy in was a prime ribeye. I invited my brother but he said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, \"I don't think that is going to help.\" \"Sure it will,\" he said. \"It's the only way I can see the numbers.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend is addicted to oxygen. He keeps telling me he can’t live without it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Television was never really black and white before color It was basically just 50 shades of gray"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pizza slice walks into a bar asking for a drink The bartender says: \"Sorry, we don't serve food here\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said to me the other day, \"Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?\" I laughed and replied, \"Don't be silly, he gave us women.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dentist say when he was being prosecuted in court? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TOOTH!!!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Surgeon: \"Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous.\" Patient: \"Thanks Doc, but I'm not John\"Surgeon: \"I know, I am\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... Do I Keep The Letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the argumentative frog say? Rebut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a large Karen use to eat her salad? A Bitchfork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Keith Flint failed his English at School. It was a really tough break because his final essay was excellent He just ran out of space"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market? It's said to be cutting edge technology"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the meal that the people at NASA usually skip? Launch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT for people like me who couldn't breath with a face mask on ....Take it out of the plastic bag first. I haven't felt like I was suffocating since I learned this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night We had a very heated argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: you should stop masturbating with cucumbers Patient: oh, read somewhere that it was safe to masturbate with cucumbersDoctor: no, it can really harm your dick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman purchased a new incense burner. However, she got very confused since it wasn't working. It made no damn scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold down the pillow long enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently. Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree. \"What the hell are you doing,\" cried the squirrel.\"I want to eat some cherries.\"\"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here.\"\"It's okay,\" said the elephant. \"I brought my own.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does Freddie know how to play guitar? No, but Brian may"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Horse Walks into a Bar A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey fellow, why the long face?”The horse, incapable of understanding the English language, shits all over the floor and leaves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Samuel L. Jackson is in a field surrounded by 100 rakes. \"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER-FUCKING RAKES ON THIS MOTHER-FUCKING PLAIN!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Signing up for Marine biology this semester was disappointing. I never learned what’s going on in Le Pen’s head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife once said, “Sex is better during vacation”. That was not a nice postcard to receive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here is a joke about a pencil with a broken tip. Never mind it is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy and his girlfriend were getting frisky, and he says “I’m pretty good, god-like even” as he starts to go down on her. “Oh god! Oh god!” she’s screaming and thinks “he really is god-like” as she finishes with an “ooooooh gooooooood!”.  He lifts his head, spits in the water glass on the night stand, and proclaims, “Red wine!!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Santa put his sleigh in reverse in mid-air? He wanted to back up to the cloud!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women are like parking spaces All the good ones are taken so when no ones looking you put it in a disabled one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just put my father's ashes in the bin. I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I watched a film about a giant crocodile with erectile dysfunction.... Lake Flaccid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man ask his boss for more salad? He thought he was due a celery increase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do if you see two snails fighting Nothing, just let them slug it out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear... Ahh Migraines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our family surname is “Daniels” So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack. She hates it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cucumber who sold his soul to be pickled? He made a dill with the devil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured I learned about it from my local K-F-C"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kangaroo walks into a bar And orders an espresso martini. While the Barkeeper serves the drink to the kangaroo another customer remarks:          \"don't you find it weird that a kangaroo walks into a bar and orders an espresso martini?\"\"Yes, normally he wants ginger beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tech company mission statements be like We're a customer centric organization and we deliver the value of IOT, cloud, big data, blockchain, machine learning, and artificial intelligence by using design thinking to drive digital transformation for the connected enterprise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it’s always too soon.^(i feel bad)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. At least I know where I stand now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I'd make a joke about fencing but then I saw the rule about \"no ripostes\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day. Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A child who is critically ill is taken under the Make-A-Wish foundation Her first wish is to meet Captain America and Thor so Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth arrive at the hospital.After a long meeting session, the two of them ask her what her next wish is.\"I want to meet Iron Man now\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone! The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that is missing his ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell \"candy\" with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear? Bear Minimum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist. It turned out to be a great diss appointment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why won't any sea creatures date oysters? Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick? One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^There once was a [person] from [place]Whose [body part] was [special case].When [event] would occur,It would cause [him or her]To violate [law of time/space]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump is being followed by smart ideas But he's faster"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of the band who's music helps people sleep? ZZZZ Top."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, \"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value? For example: 5 equals 5, but5! equals 120."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system... and it has a 1-star rating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my ex was a WiFi network so I could forget her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away Sounds far fetched"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a person is sueing a product for blinding him/her in one of their eyes, they should win double the amount Because they are not gonna be able to see half of it anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't French vineyards produce a good Port or Sherry? Because the French don't know how to fortify *anything*!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back? Because there's a squirrel in the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said \"who the f@#k are you?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you have a meal on top of... ...the leader of the Nazis, does that mean you can say you Adolf Hitler?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the crab get fired? Because he was not moving the company forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eggplants are part of the cucumber family alongside tomatoes and zuccinis making them fruits... And not eggs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the kitten fired from his telemarketing job? For Catcalling"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?” The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was changing a tire when the car dropped on his foot Now he needs a toe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out about the second meaning of BBC.... Who cares about British television?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you leave a pair of dentures in the freezer overnight? Frost bite"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the roof lonely? It was shingle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks? The Hollercaust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"NSFW\" Peter Paul took Peppermint Patty behind the Powerhouse and stuck his Butterfinger up her Cherry Bing. She let out a Snicker.Nine Mounds later she had a Baby Ruth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum? Tell him to wait until the vote count is finished"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio. Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa spend 364 days a year forming strong masculine relationships? Bros before hos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds always congregate on power wires? So they can hang out with their friends online."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just made a chicken salad... Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean He said “no shit”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka... It’s Vodka with Orange Juice(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn’t really understand baseball in the past Just didn’t catch it back then"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do vegan white nationalists chant at rallies? Sieg-Kale, Sieg-Kale!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People keep talking about black holes I guess they have a lot of mass appeal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know where Chuck Norris stands on White Nationalists? On their necks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Pride Parade float that fell over? Apparently it was top-heavy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial? Because it was in your mom's browser history.Ok, thank you dad.No problem,"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently won the hand of the daughter of the local butcher. I stil can't believe some of these cannibal auctions on the Dark Web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do fat ghosts need to do to lose weight? Exorcise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What the difference between a green pea and a chick pea? I've never had a green pea on my chest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus... But graphing is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?' 'Where's Pop Corn?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hungry clock. It went back four seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am thinking of making a cover band of Beatles without the drums. I would name it The Beatles with an extra 's'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Longest Drum Solo The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that Daniel Day Lewis is retiring from acting? My left foot he is!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic. But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two professional limbo players walk into a bar. You really would’ve thought they’d have ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi? He's still alive. (Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, \"Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?\" He confided in me... \"Because they make the toys.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Trumps Team end up at a landscaping business for the announcement? Because he was the Lawn Order president"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We didnt know if we wanted to cremate or bury my grandmother So we let her live"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are there any foods that start with 'th'? Thoup and thauthages"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does 2+2 =5 ? By mistake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate father in laws So I only date black girls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The mind that calls Covid-19 \"the Chinese Virus\" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple \"Tim Apple\" on live television. The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals. They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I found out that it takes a school of piranha 1 minute to devour a child. However, I have now lost my job in the aquarium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steam isn’t a Jihadi’s favourite state of water. Ice is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You ever notice that all Dillards are basically the same and only exist in malls? You know what they say though... ...when you've seen one Dillards, you've seen a mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man touched a bare wire to see what would happen. What happened next shocked him. He remained unharmed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a Kinkos and asks, \"Do you have any colored printers?\" To which the clerk responds, \"It's 2016 man. You can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food? That's a basil-less accusation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a pig not pork. When you cook it with pine nuts, it’s a pork you pine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is E the nicest letter? Because all the others are naughty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?\" \"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs.\"\"Why the two dogs?\" \"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The U.S. is currently at 34 people / km2 while India is at 424 people / km2... ...but actually, the U.S.'s population is a lot denser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pirates like to play the lottery so much? They really love ArrrrNG!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? Weeeeeee!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the wind turbine say to Lady Gaga? I'm a HUGE fan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night. I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with.  So, I've gotta ask....How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Post Malone announces he will only be scheduling shows Monday thru Saturday Guess there's no Post on Sundays"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon. One of the men exclaims \"a bacon tree! we're saved\". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass. Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. “It’s women like you who make blondes look stupid. If I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My pet pig loves soccer. Usually he plays clean but as soon as he’s in mud he’s Messi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs hanging from a window? Curt and Rod"}
{"character": "random", "line": "UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "if you added the letters S and E to the X files it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the Chinese kids play baseball? Because they ate their bats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.You'll never guess who came crawling back[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Robert Kraft's favorite wing flavor? Dry rub!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 91 year old Canadian Grandmother just told me this joke. Two Newfoundlanders were driving to Toronto.They passed a sign that said:  Toronto LEFT.Distraught, they turned around and drove back home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no churches in space? Without gravity there can be no mass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can't wait to squeeze you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?' 'Traffic jam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do birds learn to fly? They wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor got sued for a fire his grill started. He filed for an appeal when he lost and it ended up in a pellet court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend who was new to the internet asked me for a link to a translator When he received it he told me 'this is the link for r/jokes'I replied 'yeah everyone there's currently translating jokes from many languages '"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place... ...Tell that to the crab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song giving us time to change the song."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So here I am in the Internet Cafe... ... with the angriest, ugliest bastard I've ever seen reading every word I ty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms. I thought they weren't open till Monday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the one about the letter with no postage? You wouldn't get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does two rice grains in the sink mean? Some Somalian has been up all night puking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got and took 4 grams of shrooms for half the normal price. I am literally beside myself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given that Wendy has a crush on Peter Pan, I guess you can say.... She's Pansexual."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the one thing common between my girlfriend and my favorite book? Both are works of fiction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said to me the other day, \"Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?\" I laughed and replied, \"Don't be silly, he gave us women.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth? A toothbrush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, \"Do you have a criminal background\". I replied, \"No, is that still a requirement\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs. It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a dinosaur with a great vocabulary? a thesaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm going to the dentist to have a bad tooth removed today. Rip tooth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a baby alien to sleep?  You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are You a Gorilla Exhibit? Because I want to drop a baby in you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn’t really understand baseball in the past Just didn’t catch it back then"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I applied to be a vegetable farmer.. They said they won’t pay me hourly they’ll pay me celery!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Dad has a box of crayons on him at all times I'm so proud that he's in the Marines"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pig cross the road? Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you check if a webpage is HTML? Try it out on Internet Explorer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I shocked myself on the power outlet today It doesn't feel good. It hertz"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered... that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A gorilla goes into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic..... ....the barman says “that’ll $25 please and I must say we don’t get many gorillas in here”“With prices like that I’m not surprised” responds the Gorilla."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread. I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club."}
{"character": "random", "line": "why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down? cause it's a fell-on-knee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man gets a job at a computer store that sells food shaped computers. He was fired for trying to take a byte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money. Well *I* laughed when he said it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green? K-K-Kale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said ‘you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff’. So I got her a bag of peas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food... We should definitely make America grate again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Jamaican buddy is dating a Spanish chick. He doesn't like her granddad, Juan... But he does like Hernando."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customer service at restaurants is HORRIBLE. Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see \"Employees must wash hands\" on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the leader of international public health? Yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5 Year Old to Dad : Do you know what comes out of a virgin Pussy? **Dad** : Jesus Christ !! Who taught you all those bad words ?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know avarage person eats 8 mosquitoes Whenever i cook for them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "α and β played a 1v1 basketball match β won, because it was Beta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked an Italian plastic surgeon what he uses for breast implants He just replied \"Si\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Manuel turned his life around. He used to be sad and lonely.Now he's lonely and sad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes. Things are looking up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind? His ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was so pissed off when I had to buy a $400 plane ticket for my child. The craigslist ad said the price included postage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to love farting in lifts. Until I discovered saunas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How Do Fish Get High? Seaweed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which appliance is the worst to have on a boat? The sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's rated \"Arrrrrrr.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog “5 miles.' So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, \"State your name, occupation, and the charge.\"The defendant said, \"I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery.\"The judge winced and said, \"Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge says \"After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week.\" \"Thats very fair your honor.\" The husband said \"And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "[DIRTY] Eye exam Eye specialist: \"Sir, you need to stop masturbating.\"&nbsp;Patient: \" Oh my God, is it ruining my eyesight?\"&nbsp;Eye specialist: \"No. It's disturbing the other patients.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, \"Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!\" Mods said I'm a cereal reposter..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick? He took her out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder. He said the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed. The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with an axe over his head? Sort of Damocles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my patients forgot their stool sample today I guess some people just don’t give a shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an ambulance's favorite game console? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm hiding in my Finnish Neighbours shed, waiting to jump out and surprise him. It's like a sauna in here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access Just wait until Word gets out...I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team? They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I made up 10yr ago on a road trip: What did the calendar say on its death bed My days are numbered"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Prince Philip meets Diana in heaven So Prince Philip enters the pearly gates and one of the first people he sees is Diana - whom he notoriously didn't like.\"Hello my dear, what a lovely halo you have,\" he says.\"Fuck off Philip, you know it's a steering wheel.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer I get reported for sexual harassment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I apologized to my friend for making fun of his erectile dysfunction problem. I said, “I hope there are no hard feelings.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the angriest country? Ire-land"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine Calcium and Iron? A cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Catholic school is like a game of chess. You don’t want to end up with the bishop in your ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two crabs wouldn’t share their food That’s shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say, when he posted bail? I'm off the hook"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went on a date with a Zulu girl and we talked for hours We just clicked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just had donkey soup Taste like ass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now? It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone once asked me \"What's your favourite shade?\" I said it was kind of a grey area"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are synthetic fibres like the police? They don't let you breathe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Bengal Tiger is capable of jumping higher than an average two story colonial house. This is because of their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average 2 story colonial home can't jump very high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During lock-down I have mastered jigsaw puzzles. I have just completed my first one in just over 10 and a half weeks.I feel so proud of myself, on the box it says 5 to 6 years."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them You would have a little book of why you're broke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19... Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My antisocial brother just got fired from his job at the butcher. He just wasn't meating enough people.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom doesnt want me to play videogames because she said it makes you violet Well I don't believe her bullshit. I'm light brown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart. It's the only way I'll see my family again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in. The clerk asked me, \"can I help you?\"  I said, \"yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?\"  He turned beet red and said, \"eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out.\"  I said, \"yes, that's the one, now where is it located?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who did The Fonz call when his motorcycle broke down on the way to Arnold's Drive-In? Triple Aaaaayyyyy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: ‟Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking”Mick : ‟Ill come back when you are sober Doctor”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really don't get all the love for the HP books... I've read them multiple times, but still my printer won't fucking work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos. She had to stop after a problem with squatters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them! 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.  They said it would be like winning the Lottery!  To my horror, they were right... we had 6 matching balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An ice cream parlor has been arrested for drug trafficking in my neighborhood This was yesterday and still cannot believe it. I have been his client most of my life and would never had imagined he sold ice cream"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 1950's people were worried about having their homes wire-tapped. People today are are saying, Hey wire-tap what will the weather be like tomorrow?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I got 1$ for every geography test I failed I could finally understand that I live in Europe, where these are worthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tinfoil: Viserys Targaryen is a hipster. He wore a crown before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, \"I'm getting really wet.\" \"Turns you on, does it? I asked. \"Turns you on, does it? I asked. \"No,\" she replied, \"you dribble a lot.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress I can't wait to push her down the stairs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience? A reddit mod.(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. Sure, I said. My door is always open."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Knock, knock.\" \"Who's there?\" \"Alabama.\" \"Anybody with you?\" \"Nope. I'm Alabama self.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which appliance is the worst to have on a boat? The sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a mummy's favorite food? Wraps."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was on fire.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister-in-law is an archaeologist. Only person I’ve known that is excited to find a bone in her chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs? A Halalligator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a ship carrying dairy cows? A Galleon of Milk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system.... Sound advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie? Lord of the rings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids? Cemeteries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With the threat of the new coralvirus, who did the fish put in charge of finding a cure? The Sturgeon General"}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit. Mitch better have my bunny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm Because you're annoying and wont shut up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend asked Robert Plant why he didn't like reddit He answered: \"I couldn't get no silver, I couldn't get no gold...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the longest word in the English language? \"smiles\"...The first and last letters are a mile apart"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This Halloween, I waited all day for my friend to meet me at the play park What kind of friend says “Let’s go see Saw” and doesn’t turn up?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in \"The Crown\"? She probably gets royalties"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa, Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandma: You can be anything you set your mind to! Me: I know.Grandma: You can even be a know-it-all.Me: I know.(This is actually a family story, something I actually said when I was little. Thought it may make a funny joke/story here, too.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My flat-Earther friend said he would walk to the end of the Earth to prove his point. - Eventually, he came around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep. huehuehue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist... We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old just made this one up, really proud. If a pear “paralyzes” you, what does an apple do? It paralyzes you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the table made out of tires? It probably took a good year or two to make it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl?? See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan... Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was accused of throwing shade today All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ... I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex is like playing billiards. You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s? Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench? The NBA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Michelangelo's Statue of David is one of the most important artworks ever created with marble But I've always taken it for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NASA just announced discovery of oil on Mars Humans^* are finally going to Mars^* US Army"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder... Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fat shaming is wrong. They have enough on their plate already."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing an updated version of Oregon Trail voiced by Terry Crews. I made the comment that he wasn’t a good voice actor, and the game abruptly ended.  Apparently, I died of dissin’ Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories....... That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend) The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.AV famously stated, \"Um.. err.. I ca..\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer. “Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself... Now there's someone who could use a good paddle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the marble mine today I kept taking it for granite"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police recently arrested a man selling \"secret formula\" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to choose between climbing or using a runged device... I chose the latter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I own a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt Unfortunately, Stradivari was a horrible painter, and Rembrandt knew nothing about making violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system... and it has a 1-star rating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team? Because they ate all their bats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your first time is like a box of chocolates You finish so much faster them you thought"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits.. \"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!\"\"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns? The first one had a stroke.The second one had a stroke. And the third one didn't touch him at all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you were trying to seduce a squirrel You'd have to be pretty nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guess how i escaped Iraq.. IranSYRIASLY"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is toxic at first, but makes life a lot more fun when everyone is used to it? Oxygen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of deaf people? I don't know. But it is definitely not heard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many abominable snow monsters does it take to screw a lightbulb? Just one, but you have to believe in it first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a Get Well Soon card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do ghosts search the web? They use ghoul-gle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" \"Don't call me later, call me Dad.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland?' 'I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher just asked me what steps you should take when you’re in a burning building. Apparently, “really large ones” wasn’t the right answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.You'll never guess who came crawling back[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is the pool safe for diving? It deep ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We used to have a moat around our yard that the neighbors’ donkeys would always fall into when they came onto our property. It was a real ass hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stray kitten showed up at my door. I was like \" you got to be kitten me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the Joker's makeup like a whitewashed tomb, his lips like torn paper, his eyes like burning suns? Because when he was young, the Joker's father said\"Let's put a simile on that face!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy. The forecaster was right. I went outside and someone stole my shoes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I picked up a hitchhiker last night He thanked me for picking him up but cautioned me that he could have been a serial killer and asked why I picked him up. I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are minuscule."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit. A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit. The policeman approaches the window and the woman says to the cop:”I thought that you didn’t give ticket to pretty women”The policeman answers:”Actually, we don’t. So sign here please.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't gymnasts make much money as actors? They normally perform non-speaking rolls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs? It’s about thyme!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If cats could talk They wouldn't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation. I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of television is gay? An LG TV"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree. I heard he called Mercury a star."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can the flap of a butterfly's wings cause a hurricane across the ocean? I don't know, but some bloke eating a pangolin in wuhan has caused loo roll to run out at Aldi..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed to buy a new toothbrush but they were all out of Reach"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a medical condition, where i sometimes Turn into a small Tower with a weapon on top. My doctor said, it is called \"Turret-Syndrome\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the kittens get in trouble during spelling class? Because they were copycats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call sad coffee? Despresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?” I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster? A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and covered in bacon grease? Kermit's finger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Norwegian naval ships all have large bar codes painted on their hulls... So when they return to port a sailor can scan da navy in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person with 2 donkeys? Biased"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is only one true way to check virginity Check the label on the back of the bottle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sheep's favourite musical instrument ? A Ewekulele"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Jesus say to the crowd of bakers? Let he who is without sin cast the first scone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cow and a cat are chatting in a field... ...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.  The cat walks off smarmily and says, \"Well, see you later, prime rib.\"  And the cow replies, \"Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad always used to tell me \"there's never a wrong time to speak your mind\" Admirable man.Terrible mime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Flowers On Valentine’s Day I came home with a dozen roses for my wife. She looked at me and said “so I guess you want me to spread my legs now?”I said, “well, I kinda thought we’d put them in a vase.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces. Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:If you’re arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Food enters from a pair of cheeks Comes out from a pair of cheeks too!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know why they bother with all that science history stuff in class like \"Nature abhors a vacuum\". Anyone who's ever had pets knew that already."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Finally, I caught them all”, said Ash as he walked out of the STI clinic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads \"Idaho\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart. It's the only way I'll see my family again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?... Nah i better give them to this homeless guy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth. When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, \"Not very well. It all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is more powerful than IBM? IBM + C = ICBM."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Colombia, kids have built a snowman. The police guessed snowman's value at approximately $400 million."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of television is gay? An LG TV"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town I guess she was having a midwife crisis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial. Instagram"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's America's favorite soda? Mini soda."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't suffer from insanity-I enjoy every minute of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just don't trust stairs, they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed \"you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!\" What a weird way to start a conversation..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rapper with flatulence? 50 scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the Newfoundland fisherman do on a day off? Net fix and chill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zimbabwe's currency is so devalued... That rapper \"50 cent\" is known as \"40 billion dollar\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a rappers favourite toy? A yo yo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does loose leaf watch TV? Paper-view"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During the Middle Ages, a young prince is relaxing in his palace waiting for a love letter from a princess in the next kingdom. A pigeon flies in holding a letter in its beak. The prince takes the letter, opens it and reads:\"Limited time special: Get your sword polished for only 5 gold coins.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the NPR segment about how it’s rude to ask how heavy people are? “Weight? Weight!? Don’t tell me!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wolf that is woke? Awarewolf            (credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery? It's ground breaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm tired of seeing Frozen merchandise everywhere... Why can't everyone just let it go?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked, \"Can you lend me a book mark?\" I immediately burst into tears.12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How did the cannibal get caught at the wrestling match? A: He yelled \"Food fight!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did a boulder call the complaints office at Hollywood? Because Dwayne Johnson took its place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a disabled gang member? A crip"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A childhood classic my dad used to tell me: Q. Why was a frog flying?A. Because he ate a helium baloon.Q. Then why was a snake flying?A. Because it ate the flying frog.Q. Then why was the eagle flying?A. Because it has wings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did mr and mrs Cow name their calf who they sent away to be slaughtered? Little miss Steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent. His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So this guy tried convincing me he was a ghost. But i saw right through him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tennis factory was recently established near my house. They’re making quite the racket"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The bravest men and women in the world are military commandos. Think about it: all that running, getting shot at, dangerous missions deep into enemy territory... and all while not wearing any underpants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man with a drum came to my door I told him to beat it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night We had a very heated argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s better than a talking dog? A spelling beeWhat’s better than a spelling bee? A navy seal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south? a bi-polar bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material. >!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence \"The marbles fell out of my pocket.\"Vs\"The marbles fell out of my colon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to a millionaire fisherman Man:  “Wow you must make a lot of money off fishing.”Fisherman: “Aye I do, last season I raked in over $500,000.”Man: “If you don’t mind me asking how much is your Networth?”Fisher: “This old net is worth around $200.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry rabbit in the desert? A hot cross bun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the people of Pompeii say when they saw ash spewing from Mount Vesuvius? Don’t worry, we have Pliny of time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sliced loaf say to the uncliced loaf? OK bloomer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Pink Panther say when he got to the cul-de-sac? Dead end. Dead end.Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s 30 metres long and has no hair? A conga line at a cancer clinic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind... I hear it's not even a real airport!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex. You don’t."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial? Because it was in your mom's browser history.Ok, thank you dad.No problem,"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Come right in, Mr. Trump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does texas have no power? Democrats stole the electrons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How far is Mars from Earth? A few CVS receipts away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen push CTRL + ALT + DELETE? She wanted the Task Manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m stuck on the toilet. Call the Squat Team."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my brother if he could help me think of a synonym for \"pamphlet.\" \"Ya bro sure!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks It cost me an arm and a leg!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom? He sheet himself!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. Now I'm the C-I-E-I-O."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A genie asked, \"What's your first wish?\" Steve answered, \"I wish I was rich.\" And the genie said, \"What's your second wish, Rich.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, \"When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.\" \"Oh yeah?\" the son retorts. \"Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-boo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, 'You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.' 'Now settle down,' the doctor calmly told him. 'You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast is milk? It’s pasteurized before you know it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add \"art\" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language... it's SCHOOL"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[In a courtroom] Judge: Did you feel guilty at the time? Accused: No I didn’t, your honour. Guilty: Yes he did, your honour. That’s why I pressed charges against him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating is much easier since the lock down started. Zero effort."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life? Alien versus Redditor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself. I'm lack-toes intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Spanish greengrocer is 1.74 meters tall, has a waist circumference of 105 centimeters, and wears a size of 44. What does he weigh? Vegetables"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Second Amendment The Second Amendment of the Constitution affords me the right to wear short sleeve shirts to work.  The right to bare arms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one ocean say to the other Nothing they just waved.Did you sea what I did there?Are you shore that you get it?Maybe I didn't shell you the joke.I think you need to clam down.Woah, stop being such a beach.Whale then, that's all the puns I have today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got in trouble with wife last night.... I told her that if she was a celestial body, she would be a supernova. She said \"Because I am so hot?\"I shouldn't have replied \"no, because you are expanding at an alarming rate.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the flower say when asked why he was having trouble tying his shoes? Sometimes I forget me nots."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the doctor today and rasped, \"There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat.\" He chuckled, \"It's not that serious but...\" \"You'll need to have utensils taken out.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing... Just don't go overboard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think with the recent success of Elon musk’s “not a flamethrower” sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes He could call his first brand Elon’s musk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So i was watching p*rn last night and accidently pressed cast to tv, it found a samsung tv and started steaming... I dont have a samsung tv in my house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago. I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off. But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never ask Jeffery Dahmer for lettuce He doesn't have any loose leafBut he always has a head in the fridge"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Happy December 32nd! Trump just filed a suit to officially make December four years long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history Is in the past."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.  Turns out it was a rubbish tip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday Everything is buy one, get achoo free"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom doesnt want me to play videogames because she said it makes you violet Well I don't believe her bullshit. I'm light brown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do rich people and drug addicts have in common? They both have friends in high places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense? Me neither, but I keep trying..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Losing game pieces sucks... Especially when it's hide and seek...I'll never forget you, Brian.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose? Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a woman and a tiger entering a commercial center? The woman is shopping in the mall and the tiger is mauling in the shops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the FBI argent happy after he visited a glory hole? Because he received an anonymous tip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows. They are calling it the element of surprise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest. From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do to save a lamb that's having a heart attack! Give it Sheep P R(Say it out loud....)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb? Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys But Woody?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments. I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing So I took down his confederate flag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandson Talking to His Grandfather: \"Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?\"Grandpa: \"I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery. They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I strongly believe in karma. What you do to others you'll get back eventually. So the other week i was pouring ravioli down my neighbours letterbox. And I kept thinking - I wonder what thev've done to deserve this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M Factory? She threw away all the w's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two miners walk out of the mine after a hard days work, one carrying a shovel and the other a stick. The one carrying the shovel turns and asks, \"Where's your shovel?\" And the other responds, \"sure does\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.It was a sham rock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sharks say when he ate a clownfish? This tastes a little funny.My real intention here is to ask you guys for some help... I need a 30 second english jokes because it's a requirement for my subject. PLEASE HELP ME."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the lungs favorite food? R-alveoli"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns. Wheel sea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best college degree to become a successful fiction writer? Journalism!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't believe its pancake day again already.. It's really créped up on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't find my Gone in 60 seconds' DVD. It was here a minute ago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer? There are more geese on that side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?' 'They're both Paris sites.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"What do you want?\" The man says, \"Oh, just some fruit punch.\" The bartender sighs and shakes his head, \"If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.\" The man looks around, but there is no punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cantaloupe that went to a therapist? I guess it was feeling Meloncholy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis? Because her coach was a PUMPKIN."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What reward does a light rain get? A precipitation trophy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kind of lame jokes I make up for myself after reading the dictionary. Someone asked was I being sesquipedalianist just to make a joke on reddit! Which I repudiate!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales? Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An undertaker buys 2 vehicles and decides to get custom number plates. He makes one \"HIS\" and the other \"HEARSE\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team When they got down to the name of their team they went with \"Dyslexia untied\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss showed up this morning in a new Porsche. I said, \"what an amazing car\"... And he replied, \"yeah - if you work really hard, put lots of hours in and strive for excellence at all times, I should be able to get another one next year\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, \"That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dyslexic walks into a bar Gets slapped and called a pervert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fisherman tell his amorous wife? Not tonight, honey, I've got a haddock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is P0rnhubs number 1 user Darth Maul? (I’m gonna get banned for this) Because he’s really horny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Buzzfeed writer walks into a bar... You won't BELIEVE what they asked for!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met Tiger Woods at a driving range, and he offered to watch a few of my shots and give me advice He watched carefully, and told me I was standing much too close to the ball - after I hit it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother has the hands of a surgeon... And a pending trial for grievous bodily harm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the file extension of the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer intro? .rar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that my sister is dating the teacher. I could hear them making out in the closet yesterday Homeschooling is weird"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman ejaculates? Ice Cream"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the earth say to other planets? Get a life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet I said, \"you can't be serious\"He said, \"I shit, you knot\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp? Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive? He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats a football fans favorite flavour of icecream? Aston vanilla"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the first mention of tennis in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharoah’s court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy sees his mother in law riding a bicycle. \"Where are you going?\" he asks. \"To the cemetery\" she replies.\"And who is going to return the bike?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady golfer was stung by a bee. So she went back to the clubhouse, and met with the club manager. The manager asked her \"Where did you get stung?\" The lady replied \"Oh, between the first and second holes.\" The manager then said, \"Well, obviously, your stance is too wide.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends? In an explosion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet. It was his life savings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month. It’s nothing but period drama."}
{"character": "random", "line": "French fries are not made in France. They are actually made in Grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a white hat hacker from Pennsylvania? A penn tester"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far. This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I told my therapist about being unhappy, he said, \"When it comes to happiness, a good analogy is a 3D-printer.\" \"Oh,\" I said, \"You mean that I should make my own happiness?\"\"No,\" he said. \"I meant, most people don't have it, and many don't even know what it is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: \"Santa why do you have such a huge bag?\" Santa: \"Cos I Only come once a year\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] How do americans get to the shooting range? With the school bus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed. I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?\"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.\"He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drake, Onision, and R Kelly walk into a bar... Drake, Onision, and R Kelly walk into a bar.The bartender immediately gets them all a drink.Drake asks the bartender why he didn’t ask for their ID.The bartender says, “age is just a number around here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unused Christmas present. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. She asked me: Why,?I replied. \"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS members' dick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate? One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a fancy Italian restaurant but stormed out when I found bugs in my food. Turned out it was the anty pasto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hagrid: You're a unit of power, Harry Harry: I'm a watt?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dentist say when he was being prosecuted in court? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TOOTH!!!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: I'm cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner - it's 90 degrees!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, That makes two of us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. No, I said. It's to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the slow tomato say to the others? Don't worry I'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: Oi - get out. We don't want your type here. Beef jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How are a hippo and Zippo similar? One is very heavy, the other's only a little lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?' 'A little hoarse.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a \"Get Well Soon\" card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court,\" he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot. Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn’t know much but... I know it ain’t sheep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do rich people and drug addicts have in common? They both have friends in high places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is reading the onion more useful than reading the Wall Street Journal? Because the Wall Street Journal is about the past, while the Onion is about the future"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when you sleep with a Slavic storm god? Taking a rain-czech"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the Chinese kids play baseball? Because they ate their bats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future. The Man Delorean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Steven Tyler stick his hand into a hornet nest?? He didn't wanna miss a sting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Difference between Jam and Jelly My girlfriend who lives up north, just asked me, “what’s the difference between Jam and Jelly?”I said well Andrea, for one I can’t jelly my dick up your ass!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would appreciate it if we stopped posting Holocaust Jokes. They're not funny, witty, or humorous. My Grandpa died in the Holocaust He fell off the Guard Tower"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cows are grazing in a field: “You ever worry about Mad Cow Disease?” The other cow goes- “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan are out at a Chinese restaurant and Luke is really battling trying to use the chopsticks to feed his face. ​ After a while Obi Wan turns to him and says \"use the forks luke\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel... The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnelThe realist sees a light approaching into the tunnelThe train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railwayEDDIT: u/mandrous's critic accepted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where is Jesus if he keeps going East? Easter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dog walks into the unemployment office.. \"I need a job.\" He said, in perfect English.Surprised, the clerk says \"I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?\"\"If you like.\" Replied the dog. \"But why would the circus need an architect?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference. Needless to say he killed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two security guards bumped into each-other while running through the hallway. It was the collision of the sentry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a singing Laptop A Dell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan... ...someone is going to be wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How am I similar to the Earth ? We both rotate around our own ex(s)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many members of Stack Overflow does it take to change a lightbulb? Closed, question seems like off-topic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Detroit Lions announced that they’re releasing their running back, Kerryon Johnson. Needless to say, he will not Kerryon with the team."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my own grown barley My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're driving down the highway on a jet ski, when a wheel falls off. How many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse? Purple, cuz Ice Cream has no bones....Has anyone heard a version of this before?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct They found Jesus and got raptored"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: I love my women like fine wine. Woman: To enjoy them after dinner? Man: Secretly and securely hidden in my basement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(This is tru) yesterday, I was with my niece, and she came round the corner on her bike with stabilisers, ‘look dad, no hands’, ‘that’s coz you have 4 wheels millie’ said her dad, ‘and you’re always scared when I go no hands’ and then he said: ‘I have 4 wheels in my car too’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody asked if I like potato skins. It was a loaded question!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read an article on internet.... and it said that 3 of the most common hereditary diseases in the world are- diabetes, hemophilia and infertility."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I'm in new relationship my stomach hurts Not from butterflies or anything...From holding farts in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Observational humor isn't funny See?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral. Unless you are a football team manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space? One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners instead of 90 degree angles? If they were 90 degrees the ice would melt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who reads the fastest? ..... A suicide jumper.... Because he can finish 88 stories in 2 seconds flat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today. I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, \"that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it was a mistake to call childbirth “delivery”. It should have been called “takeout” instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago? K, 9."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life. Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity... And then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do baseball scouts look for when they go to a Mexican restaurant? Fajitas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Got Hit In the Head By A Soda Can, But It Didn't Hurt That Much... It was a soft drink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, \"Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you beat the Mandalorian in a race? Because he has the beskar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is a lot like avatar Aang. In the sense that he dissapeared on me when I needed him most."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu? A gastrophysicist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy comes home on rainy day from a soccer match, completely drenched. His mom asks „How bad was it?“ „Let’s describe it this way: we won the coin toss and decided to play against the current for the first half.“"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Purchase these 60 bad dad jokes in the giftbox below when you shop online at The Present Finder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We'll see about that..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, \"That's a novel concept.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "    My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pillow warmer is a stupid idea… Use your head!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman lent a blind man 100,000 dollars The blind man said: I’ll pay my debt when I see you.The blind man returned 1 week later. He pays the 100,000 dollars back and says:The surgery went well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened. Because Lisa Kudrow and David was a good Schwimmer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar The bartender says, \"what can I get you officer?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why there is high unemployment in banking sector? Because governments all over the world made sure that there is 0 interest in banking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats a pacifist favorite food? Peas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self.P.S. I know, it was super cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to grill something good for watching today's horse race But my butcher didn't have any Belmont steaks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ant name its middle segment \"Stormbreaker\"? Because that was its Thor axe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day? That would be soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I like to think back to when my dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill ...those were the Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships' It's on paperview"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated. Cop 2: Hate crime?Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do would happen if pigs could fly? idk but the price of bacon would Skyrocket"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"It baffles me, that bacteria can thrive, even when being turned into cheese. It seems like a such a hostile environment! Then again... \"Life finds a whey.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, I think I wanna become a farmer. I’d get so many chicks..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: \"Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?\" His answers were just as brief:\"Hut, Hutt, Hike!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Londoners went to the sperm bank. A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to me and says.. ..\"Why are you making a fire around the pot of water you are in?\"I say \"Sorry, just trying to build my self a-steam.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out? Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants. I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California. So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand? San Diego(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Poaching defenseless, innocent wild animals is just plain wrong They're much better roasted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My waiter asked me how I like my steak So I told him i like my steak like me winning a argument with my wife.So the waiter said rare it is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event. Well, 97.8% of us are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map That was just downright rude!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superglue comes with a warning: \"Caution - Instantly bonds skin.\" But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: \"Caution - Instantly bonds kin.\" That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when bigfoot stomps on your garden? Squash"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend just dumped me because of my superman comic collection. She said I have too many issues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What will Santa bring to naughty boys and girls this year Coalrona"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What form of art is very popular among college kids? Ramen doodles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently got fired as an architect An earthquake came and the building collapsed because it wasn’t stabilized and I said it wasn’t my fault"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called \"Radiator Springs.\" That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork... I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me.\"Don't go down there, Señor...\" he tells me, \"... Eet might be a Hambush.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work as an accountant, but I was sick and tired of being just another bean counter. So I started my own coffeeshop.Ah shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do golfers need two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole-in-one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces. Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "ahhh, the negotiator usa: knock knockIran: who's thereusa: door momIran: door mom whousa: I've come to bargain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents always take separate planes so that in the unlikely event of a crash, at least one of them will still be alive to be there for us children. They're eighty five now --- the whole thing is like some sick joke they're playing on us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her... Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Alphabet Soup? More like Times New Ramen, amirite?(Not OC, but one of my favorite one-liners and haven’t seen it posted in this sub)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get 4 hookers to sit on a stool? You turn it upside down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE) Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain.And the woman says, \"Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What metal does a Japanese robot consist mostly of? *Manga*nese"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the cemetery so popular? People are just dying to get in there!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running from the ball!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't trash collectors require any training? They just pick it up as they go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches?' 'A waist of time.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs!' Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?' 'A meltdown.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA—but his P­A still supports him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?' 'Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cows walk into a barn \"man i hate this farm\", said the first one.\"mood\", mooed the second cow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called a suicide support line in the middle east They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was the number one tire salesman over 12 out of 15 quarters They were mostly Good years"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident. The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The mind that calls Covid-19 \"the Chinese Virus\" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple \"Tim Apple\" on live television. The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian transvestite? A grease trap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only weakness Superman has on the internet is.. krypto-currency"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I had so many olives on my plate. I told her it’s because I didn’t eat olive them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Ego and a Super Ego walk into a bar The bartender says \"I can't serve you without ID.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the US Treasury Secretary Say to the Chinese Central Banker After the Currency Devalued? What the fuck are Yuan?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who's making \"Colostomy Bag Pipes\" on Kick Starter? They sound like shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread It was a cross-bread sandwich"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla? People actually care if a gorilla dies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marine biology I was going to study marine biology dude. Turns out it was just a lot of maths. Really dude? What course?Algae brah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the burger cook who took a dump on the grill? He totally flipped his shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ? Wife eye connection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer I get reported for sexual harassment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist? A: \"Is there a dog?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky. It became an ass ending sending ascending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Donald Trump and Tony the Tiger share in common? Both are orange and both say They're Gr-r-reat!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got were Icy Stares."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It used to be free to fill your tires with air now it costs $1.50! Now that's what you call inflation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is there a hole in your shoe? No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl? If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance? Nether. They’re immigrants in America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.” That is not a good sign."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Man Has Been Stealing Tires From Police Cars The police have been working tire-lessly to catch him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the gorilla with a food fetish? It's fucking bananas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Operation Clean-Up Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.  Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today a flat earther friend of mine told me the earth was as as flat as my sense of humor. I told him his girlfriends ass would've been a better comparison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor the operation was a success Patient really?Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Say Putin was on a scooter Could we call him Scootin' Putin?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I ordered the Best of Pitbull CD off Amazon. All I got was a blank CD."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just upgraded the office network after-hours and left home for the day. I haven't heard anything from the employees who started work this morning. I guess you could say I've created Schrödinger's network - until I go there I won't know whether everything's working, or if they're cut off from the outside world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery? It's ground breaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Batteries This year I'm getting my kids a set of batteries for christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two friends who pooled their money to buy a brand new saxophone? They recently entered into a same-sax relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye  We'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins... I call it 'Baptismal Font.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump's tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie sleepover? A mass grave"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space. Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you express your opinion in China? \\[redacted\\]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm still in a state of total shock I mean the Cubs won the World Series"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire? Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week. But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? \"Let's table this.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear?' 'Thunderwear.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?' 'Prime mates.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the most important job of a grill master at a restaurant? To please their steak holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital? I’m cured!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I’d rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, \"That makes two of us.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m never getting a massage there again... place rubs me the wrong way."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a giraffe joke? Nah it will just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't judge anybody for masturbating. You do you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Covid restrictions... I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far. They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register. I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time. It's a regular rocket, with \"GME\" written on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't they let Yoda name the dinosaurs? Because the do-or-do-not-ceratops sounds fucking stupid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a sideways toaster next to my name, Reddit you know what to do"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history... Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a question mark and an exclamation mark love each other very much? They [interrobang!](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrobang)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW Know the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat. Thanks to my first boss Jim for this one who I'm sure heard it somewhere else like the family guy episode"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who wanted a brain transplant? They had to change his mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're driving down the highway on a jet ski, when a wheel falls off. How many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse? Purple, cuz Ice Cream has no bones....Has anyone heard a version of this before?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college? A Graduated cylinder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the guy say when he buried a body in the wrong cemetery plot? \"I've made a grave mistake.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do people in the Middle-East tend to be homophobic? They have had bad experiences with mandates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck So they put the meal on the duck's bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "No wonder hell finally froze over for the Cubs... ...because the devil left to be President"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain. She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump is a closet communist, and I have proof. When he says he likes to grab them by the pussy, he's really saying he wants to seize the means of reproduction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What word in English language is always spelled incorrectly? Answer : Incorrectly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t remember if I had a Dalmatian or leopard when I was a kid. Either way, my memory of my pet is kinda spotty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Barca fans eat anything this morning? Because they 8-2 much last night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a canadian enchilada? A centimeter-alada"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth? It’s just named after that stuff on the ground. (Norm MacDonald)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when engineering students call themselves \"Engineer\" you don't see med students calling themselves doctor, or art  students calling themselves unemployed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix? There's only one nut in the bag."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Chinese guys break into a distillery. One turns and says to the other,\"Is this Whiskey?\"The other one says \"Yes, but notas Whiskey as wobbing a bank,!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner. She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did... ...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge.  I didn’t say a word, said the third."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond. That’s a lot of pressure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Donald Trump say to the cow? Fake moos!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called AMC customer service to ask if I could use popcorn vouchers to cover a margin call. The short answer is no."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Thor call his underpants Thunderwear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump doesn’t know geography... Instead of building a wall on the Mexico border, he built one in Washington DC"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Chris Nolan say after he got a movie idea? \"Where's ma-co-caine? \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: ‟Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking”Mick : ‟Ill come back when you are sober Doctor”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Observational humor isn't funny See?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "pancakes Psychiatrist: What brought you here?  Patient: My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.  Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.  Patient: Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've realized that Children are like farts You don't mind them when they're your own But everyone else's are disgusting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cat on the beach? Sandy Claws. Happy holidays everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is an air conditioned farm down the street It's a pharmacy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa? Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons never finish anything on time? bc they like to drag on and on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Dragon with no silver? A dron"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard They misheard the words *serene dijon*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If James Spader played a redditor in Blacklist, what would be the name of his character? Raymond Redditon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm about to embark on a huge art conquest of Shakespeare's work and am undecided on which pencil to use... 2B or not 2B"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off-too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? \"Supplies!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires love baseball? They turn into bats every night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to catch some fog. But I mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re up at night while the cows are asleep in the field that means it’s pasture bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a skeleton’s favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017\" revealed High school student in poll position"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.” And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement: \"Fake noose.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a dog camouflage itself in the forest? It barks.My 4 yo made this up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and smells like bacon? Kermits finger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the farmer find his sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard that new dog sled team from Canada that formed a rock band? They're called Mush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net. All he caught were catfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 kangaroos walk into a bar \"Why in the world are there 3 kangaroos in the bar\" says the bar tenderThe kangaroos then wreak havoc on the bar as they are wild animals and belong outdoors where they can do wild animal things."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So two atoms walk out of a bar after last call and the manager locks the door behind them. One atom turns to the other and says, \"Oh shit! I left my electron in there.\" And the second atom says, \"Oh no! Are you positive??\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q.: \"Governor, what would you say if Trump picked you as his running mate?\" Christie: \"I'll close down that bridge when I get to it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a pirates favorite letter? R? Wrong it’s the C"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Great 1st Ladies of the United States have there own cause. Michelle Obama’s: Your Truth, Melania Trump’s: Be Best... Jackie Kennedy’s: Take your shot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can't take a vacation.. \\- I can't go on a long vacation because of my work. \\- Oh, I'm sure they can manage without you for a week.\\- Exactly! That's what I don't want them to discover."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dinosaurs really got wiped out by a rock Shoulda picked paper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a black samurai call his frightened enemy Pussy ass ninja."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young bear cub was roaming the jungle . An animal he had never seen before comes strolling out of the trees. He asks \" excuse me what kind of animal are you?\" The animal replys\" well,  I am a tiger\" The bear acts suprised and says \" are you sure?       You don't look like a tiger.\" The tiger says \" Do you think I'm a lyin?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters. Dunkirk?Yea, did all of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo? He hates ill eagles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine said he likes metal. A friend of mine said he likes metal, so I asked him to tell me 3 blacksmiths. He said, \"Will, Jaden, and Willow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been looking everywhere for my U2 CD... but I still haven't found what I'm looking for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy: \"WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?\" Waiter: \"Thats the soup sir\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors \"No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!\" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in The lemon-limelight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film... What a wookie mistake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.  Turns out it was a rubbish tip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, are you having a crush on a young popular actress? Am I what, son?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA) Water because butane is a lighter fluid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Smart\" Televisions. What do regular TVs and \"smart\" TVs have in common?You watch TV on them.What's the difference between a \"smart\" TV and a regular TV?A \"smart\" TV watches you too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the kale farmer say to the meat farmer? Hi.(Original joke from my 10-year-old son)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say good dads are hard to find But bad dads are even harder to find"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The price of balloons have been plummeting... Specialists say it's due to inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible... I'm sad as a coconut.Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am friends with a farmer and his windmill. One likes country music while the other is a big metal fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Galactic Empire, after the destruction of the Death Star, has taken to bowling during the interim. The Empire Strikes Back, they call it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.The bartender says \"that'll be 2020\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think the history channel is bad at midnight. You should see the staff room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear Because he is unable to take a pooh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? It got it stuck in my colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you  Act like a nut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena! But I'd only make myself a laughing stock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend caught the bride's bouquet flower on the wedding We have to figure out how we continue dating if she gets married"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cat puns really freak meowt I am not Kitten."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out? Shredded lettuce"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a Kinkos and asks, \"Do you have any colored printers?\" To which the clerk responds, \"It's 2016 man. You can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out... ...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We have one of the recalled Samsung washers. But, don't feel sorry for us... We're going to have a blast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't vampires attack Taylor Swift? She's got Bad Blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which type of monster is the best dancer? The Boogeyman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? No, you should just stick with turkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don't fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-moo-th talker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are snails bad at racing? They're sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?' 'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?' 'A satisfactory.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The band A Flock of Seagulls is not concerned with WWIII. They've stated that conflicts typically happen with neighboring countries. And Iraaaaan...Iran's so far awaaaay...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To understand what recursion is... You must first understand what recursion is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m making a coat out of pancakes. I call it my flapjacket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save... ...She's definitely a keeper!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cake day joke! What do Trump and Atoms have in common? They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them? Ass skin for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum... But now, they have security cameras everywhere [not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry She really loved that cat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Tiger Woods’s golf ball and his SUV? He can drive his golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are accountants so good in bed? They excel at making spreadsheets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the color say to the other color? I love hue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive I am just lucky my brother told me about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike? Attire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl... 14."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An electrician's son removed one wire from each of his father's power plugs. His father asks him furiously: Why did you do that? What's wrong with you?Son: Nothing, dad. It's just a phase.Father: You're grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why? They had UV protection in front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, \"Windy ain't it?\"Bob says, \"Nah, it's Thursday.\"Vick says, \"Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently It's really all about raisin awareness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the masturbating crab? He really came out of his shell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself.. .. this isn't for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.I fulfilled my promise.She’s dead and berried."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water? Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument? They had a fallout."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch? I didn't mean to turn you on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar. Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease. Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, \"I know. You've said that already.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a time traveler meets George W Bush... Time Traveler: \"What year is it?\"George Bush: \"2001\"TT: \"Before or after the 9/11 terrorist attack?\"GB: \"Before\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince... ...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drinking in IT terms 1 shot= Demo  2 shots= Trial version  5 shots= Personal edition  Half a bottle= Professional Edition  Full bottle= Network Edition  Two bottles= Small Business Edition  Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition  Whole case= C... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snowman say to the hipster? Man, I thought I was white"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cargo ship that sunk while shipping food? Apparently there was a leek in the boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump? T hanks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat. We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together That would be a huge waist of money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An guy with dwarfism tried explaining he escaped by climbing down the outside wall of a prison It was a little condescending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back. She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is your name Jasmine? Because you've always got Aladdin side you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What chairs do drummers use to drum in? A rocking chair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a paranormal inestigator's favorite type of gun? A colt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a celebration for bubble tea at Comic Con? Boba Fete."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asks his father, \"Can I have a bookmark?\". His dad starts crying, \"After 10 years you still don't know im called Brian!\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. \"So, what do you do for work?\" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster.\" The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately. “Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day... It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.  It's doing well.  He says prophets are going through the roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt? A pain in the ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flowers have sex? Florally"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the tastiest dinosaur? Steakasaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the alpaca say to his date? \"Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Holding a step ladder) \"This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people—the student, his mama, and his pauper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, 'Don’t call me Shirley.' I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a hurricane see? With one eye. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here, ' the bartender says. “Why not? ' one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I catered a movie night where they watched titanic. Safe to say the iceberg lettuce wraps didn’t go over well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it during dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the proton say to the electron? Stop being so negative all the time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really self-conscious about how thick her eyebrows are I told her she's crazy; most women would kill for *half* her eyebrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day. (Usually either Nestle or Captain)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think there is a bug in my Tinder app, I'm not getting any matches. So I wrote an email to Tinder's tech support, but apparently they have the same issue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good  They work on many levels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers? Plant Parenthood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There once was a kitten that had 16 lives... And then it got run over by a 4x4."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make Indian sourdough But that was a naan starter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got really sick at the gate to my plane and a nearby doctor had to come over and check me out He gave me a terminal diagnosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I'm only celebrating my birthday for half a minute! I guess you could say it's my thirty-second birthday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind... I hear it's not even a real airport!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to grow a pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was that bad in geography That I couldn't even find the class."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many policeman does it take to change a lightbulb none they just beat the room for being black"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread? You cut the ends and now have endless bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial? He was trans-bender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself. I'm lack-toes intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't look at the eclipse through a colander. You'll strain your eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ? The female will tell you how to eat her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Humans only use 10% of their brain.\" Or at least the ones that still quote this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Dad,\" said my son during the music performance, \"who's that dead Jamaican man waving his stick around?\" I said, \"Son, he's decomposer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's red, black, white and can't go through doors? A nun with a spear through her head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy says to a girl on tinder “You can call me the GOAT” “Why? Cause you’re the greatest of all time?” “No, cause I’m gonna eat your bush”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand? San Diego(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out... When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't trees talk? They don't like to dialogue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Melons Fall In Love The guy says, “I love you so much, my sweet little honey dew. I don’t want to wait. Let’s run away to Vegas together.”The girl replies, “No, baby.  I cantaloupe.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project. The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome. I swear by it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why Amazon bought Whole Foods Jeff Bezos: Alexa buy olives from Whole FoodsAlexa: Buying all of Whole FoodsJeff: No Olives... Meh I can afford it go ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists... Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a band who will sing songs in the style of Boy George that publicly shame bad behavior and call for boycotts of questionable opinions... ...It's called Cancel Culture Club."}
{"character": "random", "line": "- Did you know that airplanes black boxes are actually orange? - What? I thought they were boxes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here’s Something weird about the English language Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in GSpoiler it’s a joke Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a paranormal inestigator's favorite type of gun? A colt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Down the rabbit hole I went down the rabbit hole to find myself.Then I went up the rabbit hole to find myself arrested and banned from the petting zoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nurse: \"We need a stool sample and a urine sample.\" Man to wife: \"What did she say?\" Wife to husband: \"They want your underwear.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented? There's been a ground breaking discovery..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to commission a marble bust as soon as I get my next paycheck My girlfriend told me not to get a head of myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are we to do with all the canceled sporting events? They're going to televise the world origami championships live...  On \"paper view\"!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One's a heated yam, and one's a yeeted ham."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was devastated when I found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real. Because that means it was my parents... who molested me.        credit: Ryan Stout"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match... The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.It's because the cons outweigh the pros."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product The iShovel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Babies are like pancakes You have every right to throw the first one away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The military told me that I was being drafted. You know what I did? Iran."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who are the werewolf's cousins? What-wolf and when-wolf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It's Christmas Eve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. That can't just be a coincidence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? No, you should just stick with turkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert would cost only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get your haircut?' No, I got them all cut. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, 'I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?' 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Careful how many corny jokes you tell. Someone may just call the crops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you spell “candy” with just two letters? C and Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my kids weren't offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated facial hair but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my dad he had to quit smoking. When it came to his health we just couldn’t brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One crab to another crab I think I have lobsters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team? They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Gold say to the periodic table? Hey you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a donkey cleaning your windows An ass wipe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do the trees get on the internet? They log on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do youcall a broke santa? Saint nickel less"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he can print a Gun using his 3D Printer. I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space. It was a cat astro fee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s sneezing on your period like? Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are women so bad at parking? Because they are constantly told nonsense about what 20 cm\\* is like.\\* about 8 inch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a country girl’s attention? A Tractor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst thing about going up the stairs behind someone? The ascent.  (Ass-scent)Thanks to my daughter for that one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister goes to the pizza place The pizza guy asks: \"would you want me to cut your pizza in 4 or 12 pieces.She said: Please only 4, I can't eat 12 pieces all alone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A salesman knocks on a door... A teenage boy answers the door wearing heels, panties, a bra and has makeup on. The salesman says, \"um, are your parents home?The kid says,\" What the fuck do you think? \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chipotle guy asked, \"White rice or Brown rice ?\" I am not ricist, I said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa most definitely passed No Nut November He only comes in December."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a baby pepper's favorite temperature? Just a little chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tie say to the hat? I'll hang here, and you go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Christopher Walken gets an incurable and fatal disease... Would that make him a dead man Walken?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me. He was as good as his word.  The funeral is Thursday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to get a new pair of scissors today. The old ones just weren’t cutting it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know crocodiles could grow up to  feet? But most just have ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my first day at my new job I was fired for not tucking in my shirt. How I was supposed to tuck in a crop top is beyond me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Santa and a pimp Santa stopped after his 3rd hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic. They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the ghost depressed? Because it was a nobody"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey He said \"yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years.\"\"Really!\", I said, \"I had no idea!\"\"Sure,\" he said, \"she sleeps and I masturbate!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer. Neurologist said it was all in my head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That she was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ... Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship. We had a real row v. wade debate that day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pillow fight The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a cult and a religion? In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.In a religion that person is dead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the average temperature in China? 451° F"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need to file a complaint about a hostile work environment The elevator keeps telling me I’m going down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world is an oyster Much nicer on crackers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a polar bear's favorite food? (Multi-questioned) ICE-cream! -What is a black bear's favorite food? Blackberries! -What is a grizzly bear's favorite food? Campers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Train joke A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left the town by railway. It was an Ex-press train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the governor of Texas and a neanderthal? Neanderthal evolved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two nintendo fans doing incest? Super smash bros"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, \"just 5 more centimeters... 5 more centimeters and I could've been the king\" From the door, his wife giggled. \" Just 5 less    centimeters  and you could've been the queen instead\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How long is a Chinese name That wasn’t a question"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs. If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met up with a girl from tinder. She asked me to tie her up and do anything i want... Guess who has gone fishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried making pancakes... But I ended up with flapjacks instead. I guess I used too much synonym"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Steven Tyler stick his hand into a hornet nest?? He didn't wanna miss a sting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the sesame seed get off the hill? It was on a roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want me to tell you the joke about the butter? No, you might spread it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear? Thunderwear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a “dad joke? ' When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.ME: …And? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck.  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool. ' Johnny: “So, what are the words? ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?' 'Walking. JK! Rowling.'  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, it's time to grow up and solve your own problems. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot?' 'It takes its cloves off.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you pinch a grape? It lets out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I saw a 1,000-year-old oil stain; it was from ancient Greece.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“My extra winter weight is finally gone. Now, I have spring rolls.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels (bay gulls)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During quarantine no one got my humor. I guess it was all the inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump? George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.Donald Trump can’t tell the difference"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle got an award for not wearing a mask. The Darwin Award."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently I met a pair of twins named Sharon and Karen They were wearing the same clothes, same makeup, and same personality. In fact, they were pretty much the same person. So I guess it is just as they say, Sharon is Karen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids. However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a motorcycle courier... Man those things are heavy.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only one word in the English Language starts with D and ends in Y If you don’t believe my check the dictionary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer Lawyer: Mickey I’ve looked over all the paperwork and you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s crazyMickey: I never said she was crazy I said she was fucking Goofy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are roofers always irritated. Because they have to deal with shingles all the time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We call rings in ears earrings, in eyebrows eyebrow rings and in noses nose rings. Why don't we apply the same to fingers? And with this fingering I give you my hand in marriage...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to be alarming but, BEEP BEEP BEEP"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over... Sew boring!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Knock Knock\" \"Who's there?\" \"John.\" \"John who?\" John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse. \"Knock Knock\"\"Who's there?\"\"John.\"\"John who?\"John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most peaceful musical instrument? I don't know, but violins isn't the answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend: Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment. Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job? He had narcolepsy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started a business that takes stock photos of food I call it Spaghetti images"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save... ...She's definitely a keeper!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A reporter asks a man traveling across Asia on foot how he got from Iraq to Pakistan so quickly. \"Iran\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? Because it lifts their spirit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain... ...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a girl whether she would date a blue-collar man like me She said blue or white don’t matter, she’s collar blind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "‌‌I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, \"Nic‌‌e ass\"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something. S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, \"Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the judge deny the ghost bail? Too much of a fright risk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t surprised when they told me my electro therapy was free I was shocked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried texting with gloves and it just wouldn't work... So I went back to texting with a phone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having dinner with my boss His wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow. My favourite Tim Vine Joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do electricians periodically call their parents just to bad mouth them? So they stay grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer. It’s called Prose and Cons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The present day is not like the 1960's Nobody can drink from any water fountains."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pirates get angry after going to the bathroom? Without their P they're irate"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened.. The Dentist told her she needs a crown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guys I designed my own knife It uses cutting edge technology (Also blue cheese)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend just started working at a grease factory ... It's so hard to get ahold of her now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: Hey boss, can I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas? Boss: It’s May.Me: Fine. May I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Party games are so different in the Star Wars galaxy... For example on Earth you bob for apples, but on Tatooine you Bib Fortuna."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Toilet paper is nearly worthless, but you know what is even more worthless? My high school diploma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better... Thank God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the store to buy a Kinder Surprise, but they'd sold out... No bueno"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new \"Divorce Barbie\" She comes with half of Ken's stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control. Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a rumour there is a remake of Brokeback mountain in the works starring women On the one hand im sick of all these remakes, on the other hand...Will be lotion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float. Needless to say, it was soup rising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car. He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a waffle on the beach? A San Diego"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the burglar so sensitive? He takes things personally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad's name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, 'Dad, I'm full,' he always replies, 'No, I'm full; you're Ruby.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion are crows? Birddism. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?' 'It didn't have the guts.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just look at that couple down the road,' a wife told her husband. 'He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?' 'Are you insane?' he responded. 'I barely know the woman!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight of the round table was the beefiest? Sir loin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the llama say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yogurt is the most high class dairy product to buy. It’s so cultured."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an exhausted woman on her period? Drained"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all those people that say \"age is just a number\"... ...well you're wrong, it's just a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him. All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does bitish surgeons keep donor organs? In Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you had to walk 500 miles? Were you encouraged to walk 500 more?You could be entitled to compensationCall the pro claimers now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m Out Of Jail, I Can Honestly Say It Was Worth It!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the cannibals ate Bear Grylls? They developed a taste for adventure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The beach thought he had crabs. He went to the sexual health clinic to be shore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re  deer tracks”, “No They’re  Bear Tracks “ Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All my friends told me I have no self-awareness Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A science teacher tells his class... \"Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1774.\" A blonde student responds, \"Thank God I was born after 1774! Otherwise I would have died without it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a triangle with angles 42.0°, 69° and 69°? A Nice-osceles triangle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when your professor teaches you about the mind? A mental breakdown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Australians say when they play chess? Check, mate!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound. He said \"suture self\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest. Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.\"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?\"\"Get out of here. I'm pooping!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street? Au!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have some fine parking skills. I was complemented on my parking at the courthouse today. Someone left a note saying parking fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Iowa has produced a new Tennis sensation Anna Cornacoba"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL there more slugs in the world than snails because slugs... ...don't wear protection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice. I still give great advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said \"I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?\" I said \"Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the vertebrae say when returning from vacation? I'm back!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jack: Seriously Edith, your excuses are lame. It's clear that you are only trying to make people think you are special. Edit: That's stupid, Jack. I removed the H from my name coz it saves ink in my printer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk. But it just sounded like junk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth it only took me a minotaur two"}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Post Malone announces he will only be scheduling shows Monday thru Saturday Guess there's no Post on Sundays"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mother in law... Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your mother-in-law’s funeral today?”“Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the \"ca-hoots\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke? A Yamahaha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "cruise ship, war ship, sail ship, cargo ship, battle ship, tanker ship, icebreaker ship all kind of ship have made their trip to Liverpoolall except Premiership"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password: \"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento\" When asked why they had such a long password, they rolled their eyes and said: \"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone shouts: ”Stupid Dad jokes are making the Earth an impossible place to live!” A Dad shouts back: “Maybe you just need some Space.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the ghost of a panda bear eat? Bambooooo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between an emo kid and a leaf both falling from a tree? Only the leaf reached the ground."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that... ...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll. They’re the troll kin white guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my diploma from my Skydiving class. I had to repeatedly drop out to graduate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my advisor why he didn’t recommend me for dental school. He said I wouldn’t be able to handle the tooth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is in bed reading when her husband walks into the room with a sheep under his arm He says, \"This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache \". His wife replies, \"I think you'll find that that is a sheep.\"Husband says, \"I think you'll find that I was talking to the sheep.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Hitler so surprised when he lost the war? Because he did Nazi it coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex? Because Trump can only fuck up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently went to a coin factory... I was in awe at all of the machines and moving parts that filled the factory. At first, I didn't understand what was happening, but then it dawned on me. It all makes cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis? Fucks funny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superman lost all of his money on a digital currency scheme It was his cryptonite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business. Here's the Amazon link to it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently... ...I couldn't tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. Now I'm the C-I-E-I-O."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you buy socks with holes in them? It's the only way to get your feet in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fisherman say to the magician? \"Pick a cod, any cod.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the computer buy a new pair of jeans? It had spent all its cache."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-naaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight?' 'That belt looks good on you.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sticky? A stick. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscious—it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" Don't call me later, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do astronauts eat for protein? Launch Meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. “Which ear is it?” he asked. “2018,” I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hot blond is filling out a form. Where it says \"sex\" she put \"Infrequently\". The clerk asked her.... \"Is that one word or two?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.” “Not even for coffee??”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.I fulfilled my promise.She’s dead and berried."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Barca fans eat anything this morning? Because they 8-2 much last night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shovels were a ground breaking invention... But dumbbells were an uplifting one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC,not a repost] What do you call a Chinese farmer working far away in a field ? Far\"ming\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ambulances require two drivers at all times? Because they're a pair o' medics."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teacher asked her students. \"What does the little chicken give you?\"The students replied, \"Eggs\"\"What does the round pig give you?\"\"Bacon\"\"What does the fat cow give you?\"\"Homework\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anheuser Busch is using a Georgia brewery to can water for flood victims in Oklahoma and Texas They're labeling very clearly so people don't confuse it with Bud Light"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.” Cop: That’s not how you play the race card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last week, Puerto Rico's Governor said that they couldn't pay their debt. From now on, the Island will be known as Puerto Pobre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hairdresser got put it jail for 9 years because he was drug dealing All this time, I've been coming to him and never did I know that he was a hairdresser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that the Hindi word for \"penny\" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the worst thing to come across while searching the internet? Your keyboard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road? He was Stalin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of winrar is arrested His trial is expected to last forever"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure? A rebel without a clause"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate being locked inside a microwave It really makes my blood boil"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog Syndrome keeps jumping up on people. Down, Syndrome!(I blame [this joke](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/i6d96/my_dog_mitten_ate_two_shuttlecocks_this_morning/) for dredging this up from my memory)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when someone assumes what the staple crop of Japan is? Ricist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The dumbest thing I bought in 2020 Calendar Planner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was grilling yesterday but then the meat started smoking Stakes were high"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the crab that could paint? There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintingsHis name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called my dad from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice he asked for. “Concentrate” he said, but I still couldn’t remember!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wow, I'm getting a $1200 check from the President I feel kind-of like Stormy Daniels.  ...well actually this check is for a future stimulus, Stormy's was a check for a past stimulus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zipper say to the dick? Wanna hang out?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get two flutes to play in tune? Shoot one of them. How do you get two violins to play in tune? Shoot both of them. How do you get two altos to sing in tune? It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cat get fined? Because he was caught littering."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the CRAZY paved trail?... It's a \"Cycle-Path\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about a Boolean? Even if you're wrong, you're only off by a bit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once dated a clairvoyant. But it ended when she said she was seeing my great Grandfather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter... I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench? The NBA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ... I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the cemetery today... I knew every body there would be 6 feet away from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The military told me that I was being drafted. You know what I did? Iran."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Daniel LaRusso is really turned on by smooth legs... Wax on, whacks off!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Crew Dragon rocket I guess the real joke will be in the comets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an ambulance's favorite game console? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During lock-down I have mastered jigsaw puzzles. I have just completed my first one in just over 10 and a half weeks.I feel so proud of myself, on the box it says 5 to 6 years."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf. When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing.  “What happened to my 12th juror?”  The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about perfume... ...but it doesn't make any scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face? One is bugging a slug.The other is slugging a bug"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf? This is a fine mesh we've gotten ourselves into!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With the US Open going on...how do tennis players discipline their kids? Mostly with their forehand, sometimes their backhand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't vampires attack Taylor Swift? She's got Bad Blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for... Couldn't get a straight answer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Call me Delta Airlines cause I can't handle your extra baggage!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts wear to see better? Spooktacles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Nobel. ' “Nobel who? ' “No­bel, so I knock knocked. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? You take away the s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Siri,' I asked my phone, 'why am I so bad with women?' She responded, 'I’m Bixby, you moron.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation?' 'Times Square.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail.. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five  "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuna (two-knee) fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are butter jokes so hard to make? Because there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Did you get your haircut?\" No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.” Son: “So what?” Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best kind of bird to work for a construction company? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know people say they pick their noses… but I feel like I was just born with mine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, \"I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By Instagrams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie. On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.On Thursday, 3.On Friday, 5.On Saturday, 8.And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.That is the fibber-Nazi sequence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Testing makeup on animals is WRONG... They are cute enough already.^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company. It was the wurst decision of his life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what the biggest state is in the US? DaNile it has a population of 74million."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a ghost's favourite exercise? Deadlifting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor. I told him, \"you will be mist\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Noah the best businessman? He floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.The greatest journalist? Samson. He took two columns and made an impression on everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, \"Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet... \"As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing.\"One in six of them likes it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do clowns store files? They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Snoopy has officially been retired from comics. He was tired of working for Peanuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The award for 1st place in the feline bottom competition was stolen last night. Organisers say it was a... Cat-ass-trophy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did East Germans sing before the Berlin Wall fell? Under Prussia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Response To The Stupid \"What's The Difference Between Jam And Jelly Joke\" Reposted Every Second Day Your mama must have fed you jelly, 'cause jam don't shake  like that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him... \"You are what you eat.\"I've been a d*ck ever since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy said to God, \"God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?\" God said yes.  The guy said, \"God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?\"God said yes.The guy said, \"God, can I have a penny?\"God said, \"Sure, just a second.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl... 14."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a giraffe joke? Nah it will just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do? \"Because fuck u that's why.\" -- George Washington, Revolutionary War"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France today De Brie was everywhere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 kangaroos walk into a bar \"Why in the world are there 3 kangaroos in the bar\" says the bar tenderThe kangaroos then wreak havoc on the bar as they are wild animals and belong outdoors where they can do wild animal things."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The English Language is Weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being deemed an \"essential worker\" Is like being condemned to summer school while the rest of the students are off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid sees Santa at a mall and says: give me a brother    Santa: give me your mother!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet They log on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail takes for ever to cross the street and finally knocks on a guy's door The guy answers, sees the snail, picks it up and throws it far away. Two years later the snail returns, knocks again and the guy answers.  The snail says, \"Yo! What the fuck was that about?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baker have brown fingers? Because he kneaded a poo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a groundbreaking invention But everyone was blown away by the leafblower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb? One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.I stole this from one of [elee0228](/u/elee0228) comments."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? Just ring up and say you can't cum!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t surprised when they told me my electro therapy was free I was shocked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years. I never knew he was a barber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers and mosquitoes have in common? They're both blood sucking parasites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIFU my IT job interview when I was asked to give an example of role-based security. Apparently, six ply toilet paper was not the correct answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The phone rings at Crayola Headquarters {green-green-green}\"Yellow?\"\"May I speak to Mr. Brown?\"\"Please white while I transfer you.\"{pink}"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues. Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Mercury's unlit side, it can get as low as -183 degrees Celsius... But hey, on the bright side, it's 467 degrees Celsius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say... ...\"This is the whey\"(Sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My comrades were destroying the brick factory. I said \"Stop, we need the bricks!\"They replied, \"That's why we're demolishing it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum \"what's wrong with dad?\" \"He's going through a rough patch\" she said..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they are changing the Uncle Ben’s Logo? Everyone thought it was ricest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral I'm a choir starter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Polish fisherman? A fishing pole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You may know that baby owls are called \"owlets\", but did you know where they come from? The owlet mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why could the vet not save the hyperactive goat? Because the goat was bleating out too fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The owl asked the most introspect question ever. Who are you???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. \"We don't serve your kind here,\" the bartender says. \"Why not?\" one yogurt asks. \"We're cultured.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off-too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the restaurant on the moon get bad reviews? It has no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 1000 year old oil stain... It was from ancient Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn?' 'Elementree school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other?' 'Stay here! I'm going on ahead.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It’s two gross. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach… ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A: A large fortune. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do dogs and phones have in common? Both have collar ID."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out the closet? “Supplies!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talked to a poet who only wrote about wells. His stuff was deep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the new sport called Quiet Tennis”? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, \"It's a moving violation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends and I just get together to eat hot dogs and tell the honest truth. It’s a frank relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, \"No, just leave it in the carton!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad has colon cancer It's shitty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why there is high unemployment in banking sector? Because governments all over the world made sure that there is 0 interest in banking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the book “Living in Polygamy”? By Sharon Peters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] I met a girl called Michelle at a bar... Her: Hi, I am Michelle Me: I am Donaldson, but people sometimes call me Dick.Her: How do you get Dick from Donaldson?Me: You ask nicely."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic? A mortician Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the optimist say when he was pushed off a storey building? so far so goo..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "α and β played a 1v1 basketball match β won, because it was Beta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cyber Monday is Ajit Pai’s favorite day of the year He loves to fuck people online"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Aussie soldiers and an American soldier are pinned down in the Middle East. The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back down, the American says“What, did you *come* here to die?”The Aussie responds “Nah, I came here yesterday.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Swan represents happiness, then what bird symbolizes true love? The Swallow.(This is my third anniversary posting this joke on a time line near Valentines. My yearly repost if you will)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an american school and a firing range? The school has moving targets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a salad for dinner! It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.... I had a pizza."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was. The end result was a tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got home last night to find that all the windows and doors were open and everything was gone. What kind of monster would do this to an advent calendar!?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, \"Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on\". I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the farmboy ride the butcher's girl? Because he wanted a piggyback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed math so many times in school I can't even count."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”. I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Has the Abominable snowman called? “Has the abominable snowman called?” my friend asked me To which I replied “Not Yeti”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground? He didn't pay a tension."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Kraft - 7 rings. Robert Kraft:- 2001 Super Bowl Ring- 2003 Super Bowl Ring- 2004 Super Bowl Ring- 2014 Super Bowl Ring- 2016 Super Bowl Ring- 2018 Super Bowl Ring- 2019 Prostitution Ring"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crouching tiger, hidden dragon. It wasn't a great day at the zoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the quickest way to discard an old bike? Put a lock on it an place it in downtown Vancouver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount. They called it \"The Oregon Trail\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law’s life support system. I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold a thousand CDs but only made enough money to buy one ice cream. Probably because each CD was Milli Vanilli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask..... Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller,   Beating it....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire? Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mosquito was trying to land on my arm. I shook it and said:\"Not on my watch\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if this post gets 1,000 likes, I can get Anal on my cake day So please upvote because this house hasn’t been cleaned in months and I want it spotless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his.It began, \"My daddy fell in a well last week.\"\"Good Lord!\" the teacher exclaimed. \"Is he OK?\"\"He must be,\" said Little Johnny. \"He stopped calling for help yesterday.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new cemetery in my town especially for people who died of obesity. If you're looking for the address, it's 1 Pasta Way."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump doesn’t know geography... Instead of building a wall on the Mexico border, he built one in Washington DC"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 9 year old.... ...is yelling at me, \"Hey dad, look at me! Im a 3D printer!\"I respond \"Close the bathroom door, son!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin? They're afraid of change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister's zodiac sign was cancer, which is really ironic to how she died... She got squashed by a giant crab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Christmas, I asked Mariah Carey if I could get her a big open space to park her cars, but she declined She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every birthday, my uncle Guiseppe used to cook me a meal He'd say, \"That was the pasta, this is the present.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.God ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My spirit animal is a bull Because, I too, charge head first into red flags"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material. >!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did... ...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Internet arguments are like connect four but you only have three pieces"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just downloaded my Biology notes but couldn’t open them. We were studying the helicase. I then had to Unzip the file to open"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hear about the screen printer who misspelled the order of concert posters? Must have had an extra stencil crisis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you realise when a brain hungry zombie walks straight past you? You need a better education."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't people sympathise when your books drop to the floor? Because you only have your shelf to blame"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there's Nathan...(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want me to tell you the joke about the butter? No, you might spread it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I'd rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' 'Nothing, it just waved.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark? ' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you'. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof ' of your mouth actually be called the ceiling? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. 'No,' I said. 'It's to look at.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Ayatollah. ' “Ayatollah who? ' “Ayatollah you already. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?' 'In case they get a hole in one!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late? It over-swept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a toddler reaches the \"why?\" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne—once it's uncorked, there's no going back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a dad get in their stocking if they’ve been naughty? Char-coal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium well done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.\" Man: \"Wait! I can explain everything!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. \"She obviously has COVID,\" my wife said. \"Why?\" I asked. \"Because she has no taste.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren’t really cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease! (Greece)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pecan say to the walnut it was chasing? I’ll cashew eventually!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald Duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Ghostbusters never made it very far in Oregon Trail? They refused to cross streams."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law? Murphy's Law is simply \"whatever can go wrong, will go wrong\".  But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A beloved cartoon artist was found dead in their home today Officers state that the details are sketchy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I checked my bank account and I found out that I have enough money to spend for the rest of my life. Rent? Food? Bills. My account got them covered for the rest of my life. As long as I die on Tuesday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How ironic. My wife's niece got pregnant... on a pull-out sofa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie.... Halfway through he asked, \"Is that lady going to die?\" \"Probably,\" I replied, \"judging by the size of that horse's cock.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How tall is the world smallest grandmother? One Nanameter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife might be a segregationist. She gets REALLY mad when I mix the whites and colors together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One man cannot change the world ... Unless obviously he eats an uncooked bat soup, then by all means!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back? Because there's a squirrel in the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings? Brutus: Columns, sir.Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not all peasants visit the beach Yet every peasant serfs regularly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited the Middle East last year... And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.Too hard for the camels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really hate my past self, rumor has it he used to fuck my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to live paycheck to paycheck But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, \"I wonder if the have any colored printers.\"I replied, \"Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am in the process of writing a big research paper on hurricanes. The first draft really blew me away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father was a nun I never actually saw him go to work, but whenever he was asked to fill out his occupation on a form, he would put: nun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the favorite school of magic for cow wizards? Moodoo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called a suicide support line in the middle east They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in She said cheque books."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Girlfriend I can read my girlfriend's mood by just seeing her hands.Last night I knew she was pissed off when she came walking in with the 9 millimeter in her hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a bedtime story to an orange once. I call that pulp fiction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar The bartender says\"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Christmas Letters To Santa Who gets the Christmas letters to Santa from dyslexic children?  Alas not Santa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two knights where battling when one of them got both of their feet cut off He was defeated"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a male thermometer? A therdadeter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many kittens does it take to paint a house? That depends on how much splash damage you get when you launch them at the wall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans? I hear they have a Tutankhamon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anders Celsius died when he was 43 years old although his rival Farenheit was convinced he was 109"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw an old woman on the news who's house was flooded She was standing there, knee deep in water, crying......and I thought that's not helpingCredit: Jimmy Carr"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants. I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't Edward the whistleblower leave his house during the winter to warn the government of corruption? He was snowed in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media When every American knows that America is the best country in the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out He radios his boss \"Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it\"His boss replies \"Is it ticking?\"\"No, it's turkey and ham.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my 5 year old: \"Know what really killed the dinosaurs? TNT!\" \"That's why it's called Dino-mite!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants. I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a ceiling fan yesterday Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got ripped off at the amusement park. A guy sold me tickets to the ferrous wheel. Turns out it’s made of aluminium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%! It’s Dublin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park? - For busting a nut in public view"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what my dog said when I surprised him with his new favorite chew toy this Christmas? Nothing. He was speechless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just saw a color at the paint store called \"Thot\". It's not too bright but it spreads easily."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For an orphan, Every bag of chips is family sized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you add whiskey to a drink and raise the price... The drink got Jacked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW Know the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat. Thanks to my first boss Jim for this one who I'm sure heard it somewhere else like the family guy episode"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We are all like Stormy Daniels now. Just waiting for him to finish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the alpaca say to his date? \"Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a ghost's favourite yoghurt flavour? Boooooooberry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let’s make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?' 'St. Nickel-less.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.' 'Oh yeah?' the son retorts. 'Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please, ' he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you, ' the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally burned dinner on the grill. Mis-steaks were made."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? He'll be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do houses wear? An address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She said I won’t be able to make it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather got me an IPad for my birthday. My so-so grandfather got me a pair of socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action. So I expanded the kitchen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of toilets do pirates prefer? Port-a-potties.I'll sea myself out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke titled 'from seconds to minutes'? It's about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings? Grayscale What is Jorah Mormonts favorite printer settings?           Grayscale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crustHerpilations 4:20"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was hiking once with my girlfriend Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. ................One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfort... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl. Person 2: Who?Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a Pirate's least favorite letter? A copyright infringement notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping? Croutons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus? [removed]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of coins at me I get that you have more money than me, no need to rub it in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company It’s going to be called Au Nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a nun on a mobility scooter? Virgin mobile(Credit: TheScrubKing)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Polish fisherman? A fishing pole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Story of Ruth and Johnnie Once upon a time...Ruth and Johnny drove through the woods To see what they could see. The car hit a bump. Then Ruth hit a tree. But Johnny went on. Ruthlessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?\"He smiled & replied, \"It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I destroyed a bag of leftover Chinese food It was an act of won ton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow, that's a pillow fight you'll never forget."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh  Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history... Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief? They keep getting stuck in de Nile"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you mix Donald trump and a jew Orange juice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush... \"Lookit that, Bubba!\" Billy Bob says. \"Ain't that cousin Jeff?\"Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.\"Naw,\" he says. \"Jeff was taller.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all those people that say \"age is just a number\"... ...well you're wrong, it's just a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most philosophical book? The dictionary. It provides the meaning of everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow  Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s gonna be a 50p coin commemorating Brexit It’s nearly done. They just can’t decide what to do with the border"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in. “Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter. “More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm dating a girl called Ruth.. .. once she dumps me, I'll be Ruthless! HAAAA!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Udder Destruction.I swear this joke is funnier in person. Try it, trust me. Panty dropper for sure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together? \"Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book. Now, they've got cameras"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked Reddit to letter-grade my looks. Their opinions were wildly different. I was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they call the Bernie Bros now that hes lost the nomination? Back to being plain ol' BernOuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a therapists office And the therapist asks what do you think will be going through your head in 3 Years? hopefully a bullet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a 300 pounds gorilla sit? Where he wants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble. But that was when his friend said: \"Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: *crying* Santa isn't real! Me: of course he is!Son: •sniffle• but I stayed up all night and he didn't comeMe: aw, buddy, •kneels down• he must really hate you then"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win... It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my friend had a talk about planes. It was plain Boeing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?***Yes***How did she die?***Mushroom poisoning***But why does she have 26 stab wounds?***She was refusing to eat them**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I watched a documentary on the feeding behaviors and biology of cattle... \"Graze Anatomy\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by... First taking the intestines out of the goat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry It has its prose and its Khans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a skeleton's favourite drink? A full-bodied wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never trust a carp's excuse? They always seem a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'd just let it go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does \"Rockin' Robin\" do when she's bored? Tweet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. 'I want to meet my biological parents,' the son demands. 'We are your biological parents,' the father responds. 'Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle?' 'An impasta.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were avaiable. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. 'Sure,' I said. 'My door is always open.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It’s Christmas Eve. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, 'This isn't working.' I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, 'I’m getting a divorce,' she was the first one to like it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, 'I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.' The patient asks him, 'Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?' The doctor calmly looks at him and says, 'Nine.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "}
{"character": "random", "line": " Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had 50."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees get on the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear? Address! (A dress)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't spell par entry without \"try.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What made the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Your wife and daughter look like twins,\" my friend said. \"Well,\" I replied, \"they were separated at birth.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey until I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, \"How do you make a Motherboard?\" He said, \"I tell her about my job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No… It’s to look at”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "MIlk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasterized before you even see it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the dating slices of bread that disappeared overnight? Turns out they e-loafed! I hope they grow mold together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products. A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shellfish Action movie star? Jean Claude Van Clam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? \"internyet!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home ...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave. It’s “The Cologne Wars.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad? When it’s a snowman’s nose!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If cooking one meal doesn’t make you a chief Then sucking one dick shouldn’t make you gay...Right???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow, that's a pillow fight you'll never forget."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do girls always have the last word in an argument Cause their the ones with a period"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jenny: wow, Mr. Daniels, you must be old enough to have known Moses! Mr. Daniels: No, Jenny, I am not! It wasn't funny when Ben Franklin said it, and it's not funny when you say it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad needed some advice on how to wrap birthday presents properly He looked up \"Enimem-rap god\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture. The stewardess asked \"What the heck is that?\"He said \"It's my carri-on luggage\"*sorry sorry sorry*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t plant flowers... ...if you haven’t botany."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a cafe the other day... And I saw an unusual item on the menu: a duck sandwich. And I thought, how sad...Finally the duck is surrounded by bread, but in no position to enjoy it(Credit to the one and only Karl Chandler)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some worrying news for grammar Nazis, a new study shows... that homophone misuse is at an awl thyme hi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool. Will you choose the former or the latter?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sumo wrestler once came to visit, and ended up sleeping on my couch for a month! It left a negative impression."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's been a strange sort of day. First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens have a hard time waking up early Because dawn is tough on grease"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure an idea? In ideograms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) A worm crawls out of a plate of spaghetti and says “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there? A pigment of your imagination"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good I don’t see any problems now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the trans man only eat salad? Because he was a herbefore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do women and saxophones have in common? They both blow and make different noises when you finger them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I become famous... I want to get a huge marble bust made in my image.But I'm getting ahead of myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Job security in the 21st century. That’s the whole joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the ghost sad on Christmas Day? Because he had no presence....sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Attack on Titan is actually slice of life For short people"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it. This is because windows no longer supports Flash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What currency do you use to buy a cow? Moo-ney"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I hated her side of the family I said, \"That's not true, I like your mother-in-law more than mine\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know potato jokes have been made I’m just here to rehash them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John brings his car into a mechanic for an inspection Mechanic: Everything seems to be working OK, except your car horn is broken.John: No, it's not broken, it's just indifferent.Mechanic: What do you mean, indifferent?John: Well, it just doesn't give a hoot…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met. I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street? Au!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are dumbasses. Use a pan,for God's sake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should all agree on a global currency In my opinion, dollars make the most cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument..... It was a booby trap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell \"Whiskey\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why wasn't the little lamb allowed to frolic in the meadow with the other little lambs? Because he had a serious gambolling problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase? I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A gorilla came to my house and rang the bell *King kong!*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my grandpa told me a story... He told me that back in his day, he would walk into the store with a nickel, and come out with 4 cans of soda, 2 king sized candy bars, and a pack of gum.But today there are too many damn cameras!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure. Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would never hit someone with a musical instrument... I don't like to resort to violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone recommend a good bank account? Mine's run out of money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do churches ban Wifi Networks? Because they don't want to compete with an invisible connection that actually works."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, \"For my first wish, I'd like to be rich.\" \"Okay, Rich,\" said the genie. \"What would you like for your second wish?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog used to chase people on a bike. It got so bad. I had to take his bike away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It's called the Plaguestation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sausage puns are the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack?' 'Computer chips.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying?' 'He neverlands.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches… "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before? ' The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place. ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled?' 'You have toboggan.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sprinter eat before a race?' 'Nothing, they fast!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do boats go when they're sick?' 'To the boat doc.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bee use to brush its hair?' 'A honeycomb!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b' comes after it! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. 'That's my stepladder,' he said. 'I never knew my real ladder.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?' 'By its bark.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What genre are national anthems? Country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you organize a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it's just a bug that's going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus? He wanted to go to high school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rabbit and a beaver are looking up at the majesty of the Hoover Dam And the beaver says to the rabbit\"Well I didn't build it but it's based on my design\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Eevee evolution that specializes in melee? Bludgeon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "College football is introducing the Rosary Bowl Every play is a Hail Mary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are artists so good at self control? Because they always know where to draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you enlarge a centipede to 100x its normal size? A dollarpede."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad cooks dinner. He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a botanist's favorite musical instrument? A xylem phloem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix divorce checks with counterfeit money? Aliphony!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality? Don’t ask Donatello"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A simple joke for Starwars fans Where do Sith lords go shopping?The Darth Maul"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father was killed by a herd of pigs. The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... \"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!\"The guy at the counter said \"Your stance is too wide\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team. He's the pitcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tadpole do when it was being bullied? It toad its mom. What did the other young frogs say? We should JUMP him and RIBBIT him to shreds. Tadpole? He's more like a tattle-pole.You know what they say, frogs have a hard time holding their tongues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Simon was in a car crash with his uncle..... Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was savedbut lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his loveof music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend got tired of being locked up at home. So we locked him up inside of a casket instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Warning. Don't let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.And came home with two cases of beer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common? What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?They both want to get there before the hair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was browsing Netflix the other day, and Happened upon the Amy Schumer special \"Inside Amy Schumer.\" Looks like they couldn't use the original title idea due to copyright issues: 'Wide Open Spaces'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Drake suicides? Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, jumpman"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a headcount of the prison population? A consensus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?\" Grandma replies \"Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not saying my local pub is rough.. but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad? Seizure salad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think Thursday are depressing, wait two days Then it would be a sadder day (Saturday)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do when there's rough turbulence? Use an air plane!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s 30 metres long and has no hair? A conga line at a cancer clinic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down... ... because I'm a mass murderer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Samuel L. Jackson is in a field surrounded by 100 rakes. \"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER-FUCKING RAKES ON THIS MOTHER-FUCKING PLAIN!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given the tragedy of the Australian fires ravaging the country for weeks, the streaming community would like to extend our heartfelt sympathy. Our Thots and Players are with you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't understand why women like to have so many pillows on the bed.. You need only one to smother your husband."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Trump say when he was told there were Brazilian astronauts in space? Another Trump record.  No one has ever heard of this many astronauts in Space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a vacuum cleaner? The Harley holds the dirtbag on the outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is prostitution illegal? It's the opposite of the constitution."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Walking past a pet shop, a sign said; ‘Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.’ I didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands so I went into the shop and asked the assistant...  ‘How Dutch is that moggie in the window?’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber \"What are you doing?\" he shouts, \"I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one tile say when the other tile offered it a glass of port? No thanks, it's bad for my grout."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it. This is because windows no longer supports Flash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts He now makes me pay in advance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A proud new dad sat next to me in the bus today, pulled out his phone, and showed me a picture of his rather ugly baby. I told him, \"that's a really nice phone.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the bodybuilding dinosaur die? Asteroid overdose!.......................... (a steroid overdose)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently \"Blacks\" and \"Mexicans\" were NOT the correct answers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of homeopathy has just died. Massive underdose, apparently."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do computers form intimate relations? They insert the floppy into the disc drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor” She said no and had a complete meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a promotion at the farm. Now I'm the C-I-E-I-O."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teachers told me I'd never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, \"Just you wait!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If skeletons could be any ruler from history, who would they be? Napoleon Bone-a-Part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy camper? A Jolly Rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? \"Do these genes make me look fat?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It really takes guts to be an organ donor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut?' 'No, I got them all cut!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, 'It's a moving violation.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one wall say to the other?' 'I'll meet you at the corner.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?' 'Sofishticated.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the beef army there was a soldier who always snuck up on the enemy from the left or right. He was a flank steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know i wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book. I can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line you wait in to buy a grill? A Barbe-Queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? It'll crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. \"I never knew my real ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dad and a grill? A grill runs out out of gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bears with no ears? B."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which friends do you always bring to dinner? Your taste buds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The coach went to the bank to get his quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sheep walk into a—baaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mansplain\" is a terrible word to use because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle Benny Always used to Say, \"If you like a girl you should buy her a Toothbrush...\" \"Because then every time she puts it in her mouth, she'll think of you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Always have a sadistic person light your grill After all, they're literally pro-pain..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. \"I hope you win\" was not the correct response."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms. I thought they weren't open till Monday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German soldier, Japanese soldier, and Italian soldier were interrogated A German soldier said he would not speak, but he did. The Japanese soldier said he would resist, but he spoke, and the Italian soldier was the only one who did not speak. When they asked him how he resisted, he said \"my hands were tied\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think the name Jack Hiscock is bad You should feel even worse for his sister, Sharon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower... It was a cross pollination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: you'll soon be at peace Man: am I dying?Doctor: no, your wife is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are you made of gold, 2 titanium sulfur and carbon? Because you’re autistic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the worst name for a hair salon? Budget Cuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it was an oyster But it's snot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.Credit. The Joke Cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the Earth’s gravity increases a bit on Easter Sunday? It’s cuz there’s a lot more mass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the definition of torque? When you have to piss with morning wood, you push your dick down so hard that your feet fly out from under you. That's torque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis... it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I let my daughter touch a fork for the first time. Where she put it was shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a naked old lady I said \"You look foxy.\"She said \"Do you really think so?\"I said \"Yes, their titties are on their stomachs too!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the beach yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign that said \"Lobster Tails $1\". I thought that was a good deal, so I gave the man the money and he said \"Once upon a time there was a lobster...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All my friends told me I have no self-awareness Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia... It's called Guam in 60 Seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a giraffe's favorite fruit? Necktarines"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in. Nowadays, Depend's"}
{"character": "random", "line": "*Walks in on my dad inserting a bullet up his ass* My dad: ''Don't worry, I'm just fucking around''"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the power line not go to prom? She was grounded"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my Pillow if it wanted a snack It said “No, thanks I’m stuffed”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't Bolivia Peru-v it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats? A pimp"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just started a financial advisor/ credit repair company called Financial Fiber. I help you get your shit together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German and an Englishman are having a conversation in the park when suddenly a young girl falls into the lake. They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she’s unconscious.The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.“999.”The Englishman replies, “fine, I’ll call them myself.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandma said I she’d knit whatever I want if I pick the yarn... So I bought her some steel wool and asked her to knit me a car"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a possum that goes back for seconds on soup A more-soupial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids? It was a Tyrannosaurass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You probably already know the one about pterodactyls not making noise going to the bathroom, cause the p is silent.... That just means urine on the joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you live with a terminal disease? You don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Frank is in the locker room at a gym when his buddy Howard walks in.He begins to undress when suddenly Frank notices he's wearing a girdle. \"How long you been wearing that thing?\"Frank asks.\"Ever since my wife found them in the glovebox.\"Howard smugley replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 electricians got into an argument.. It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.Shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard you lost your classical music CD. But don’t worry. I got your Bach."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Humans, You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.Sincerely, Confused alarm clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress I can't wait to push her down the stairs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump. It's called Grabbed-her-snatch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked \" are you alright, sir ?\" Sean : \"it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic... ...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? Wooly jumpers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $ You know why? Inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that new band Plastic? They mostly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a lot of jokes about satellites, but they never seem to land."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best smelling insect?' 'A deodor-ant.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the IT guy, 'How do you make a Motherboard?' He said, 'I tell her about my job.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?' 'Yellow!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise?' 'They're filled with common cents.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place—the blood bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs can't operate MRI machines but catscan. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Knock, knock. ' “Who’s there? ' “Alabama. ' “Anybody with you? ' “Nope. I’m Alabama self.“ "}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet?' 'The post office!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?' 'Fast food!' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?' 'An iWitness.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of milk comes from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'Oh, just some fruit punch.' The bartender sighs and shakes his head, 'If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line.' The man looks around, but there is no punchline. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest?' 'Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provolone, but only if you have it’s parmesan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, \"Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?\" What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished cleaning my grill. It was grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sticky? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Without geometry life is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet—I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the characters from Fifty Shades of Grey get into a fight about fast food? They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dwayne Johnson and Tom Cruise is casted on the same movie. There is a scene where Tom Cruise climbs on top of Dwayne Johnson without using a stunt double since he is so good at rock climbing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I filled a steam engine with Holy Water. The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!The Power of Christ Propels You!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you do up your zipper when you go to Ukraine? Chernobyl fall out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "my school held a seminar on holding orgasms. nobody came."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought two hermit crabs I put them in the same small cage, are they still hermit crabs???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song giving us time to change the song."}
{"character": "random", "line": "‌‌I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, \"Nic‌‌e ass\"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something. S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, \"Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit? He ate 6 crocodiles before the rescuers could get him out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common? They both make good crops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces? Knot bad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman knocked at my door..... I answered and he said \"Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident.\"I said \"I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do I get to the top of r/jokes? Piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some crocodiles got together to write parody songs. It's a pun croc band."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, \"Don't do it!\" He said, \"Nobody loves me.\" \"God loves you. Do you believe in God?\"\"Yes.\"\"Are you a Christian or a Jew?\"\"A Christian.\"\"Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?\"\"Protestant.\"\"Me, too! What franchise?\"\"Baptist.\"... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men? Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was diagnosed as bipolar, without any sort of medical examination He was caught fucking a female polar bear and a male penguin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first day of school, I signed up for Math, English, Science and Geography.. The rest, as they say, is History"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a diploma and a roll of wallpaper? When someone hands you a roll of wallpaper, you know you have a job ahead of you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy is sworn in as a witness in a court case. Before the attorneys start to question him, he gets the attention of the judge. Witness: Excuse me your Honor, but could you tell me what time it is?Judge (looking at his watch): It's 10:30 a.m.Witness: Thank you. I have no further questions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir,We’re writing to you  because you’ve violated copyright ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug His last wish was to be Frank in Stein"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This new digital currency is bitc*in! Sorry. Bitcoin. It’s called bitcoin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Man Has Been Stealing Tires From Police Cars The police have been working tire-lessly to catch him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 men walk into a bar. The first one gets naked and sells his clothes. The second one punches himself with a chair and sues the barman. The third one challenges a service dog to a dance-off for a reward. Who made the biggest profit that night? Their drug dealer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury. He said he would look into it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight my neighbour called me at 2:30 am. 2:30 am?! Crazy dude...Lucky for him I was drumming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say that the earth is on a turtles back. Can you imagine if it was on a pterodactyls back?it would be a Terradactyl.(edit: Grammar)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently there are three jewish guys in my car's air conditioner.... Hi, Norm and Max.Background: Something I noticed many, many years ago when I was a teenager in my dad's car. My dad thought it was pretty funny. He had a lousy sense of humor. lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my patients forgot their stool sample today I guess some people just don’t give a shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Difference between Jam and Jelly My girlfriend who lives up north, just asked me, “what’s the difference between Jam and Jelly?”I said well Andrea, for one I can’t jelly my dick up your ass!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus? An ambulance you racist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the butcher say to do incase there was a fire? Grab your meat and beat it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb? A. Because it wanted a \"light\" snack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex. You don’t."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll? Seasoning"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene It doesn't add up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest I lost the case"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zoo where all the giraffes have colds? Giraffe Sick Park"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never ask a skunk for their opinion. You might get their 2 scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that's angry about being cold? A ham brr grr!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hired a bee to run my IT security department He makes really good honeypots"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two soldiers are in a tank. One says to the other, \"Blubblublubblubblub.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time to take this cookie to the hospital. It's feeling crummy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we \"be positive,\" but it's just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear? Thunderwear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?' 'Nothing, it's on the house.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, 'I have an imaginary girlfriend.' The father sighs and says, 'You know, you could do better.' 'Thanks Dad,' the son says. 'That means a lot.' The father shakes his head and goes, 'I was talking to your girlfriend.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we 'be positive,' but it’s just so hard without him. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. 'She obviously has COVID,' my wife said. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because she has no taste.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make a banana split?' 'Sundae school.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, 'That makes two of us.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, 'I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g' and it’s GONE "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel? ' The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head! ' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does an egg drive?' 'A yolkswagen.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.' "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.” “But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a \"Grilled Cheese\" after a few days in the fridge? Chilled Grease"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyday biology pun What do you get when you mix picture day with writing a biology essay?photos-and-thesis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally.... So I was like na, more like pirate and booty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out. Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ Or, as it's also known, R gone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars? The Mangolorian.(Made up for an eight year old)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking about taking a vacation in Australia. I hear it's pretty lit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man shuffles onto a crowded hotel elevator. Since he couldn't press the floor button, he stated, \"Ballroom please\".  The lady next to him shuffles a little bit and replies \"Sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle... ...is for anal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know why six is afraid of seven, but the real question is, what did zero say to eight? Hey, nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing. I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.... ...Only 15 pounds to go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do when you want to employ a dishonest man with wings to purchase threads of metal that transfer electricity across dangerous swamps? Hire liar flyer Sire Dire Mire Wire Buyer!(I thought of this several years ago. My girlfriend doesn't like it, possibly because I am overly proud of it. Hoping some of you get some enjoyment out if it though!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors. But sometimes they come in handy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle and I used to play Cave Explorer I kept telling him that there is no playable character in Cave Explorer but he always insisted that there is the explorer and the explored."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money Turns out she was right! Now I work as a crossing guard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't Peter Pan be grounded? You: Because he Neverlands.Me: No. It's because he's a fucking orphan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists planned to verify if Schroedingers thought experiment prevails on Mars but sadly Curiosity killed the cat, rendering the experiment futile."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, \"I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, they were both dead!\" She frowned and replied, \"I warned you about the hot weather. Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?\" \"Yes, I filled their tank right to the top.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house... Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells \"Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Waitress: Do you have any questions about the menu? Me: What font is this?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: Hey boss, can I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas? Boss: It’s May.Me: Fine. May I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cats call their human form? Their purr-sona."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy whose New Year’s resolution was to flip over an electric car while test-driving it? He was turning over a new LEAF."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call King Henry VIII when he’s in the air? An altitudor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think Germany was the best prepared country for Covid-19. They already have a tradition of greeting each other at a distance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table **waiter:** white or red?**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what disease is really hard to beat? Erectile dysfunction. (This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fowl Play Where do orphaned chickens and turkeys end up?Foster Farms"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum \"what's wrong with dad?\" \"He's going through a rough patch\" she said..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between dragons and dinosaurs? Dinosaurs aren't old enough to smoke. Told to me by my niece at christmas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why's it called a lighter? A lighter is called a lighter because it gets lighter every time you use it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to throw out all of my danish currency I didn't wanna catch the Kronervirus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge. Ulysse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What second language is most commonly spoken by male tea drinkers? Hebrew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pair of obviously wasted jumper cables walks into a bar and says to the bartender \"gimmie a drink buddy.\"The bartender looks him up and down and says, \"alright, I will give you one drink. But you better not start something!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance. I said, \"Ma'am, are you sure?\"She replied, \"Yes if you don't mind.\"So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office? He was the first Porkmaster General."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dicks never leave a tip. It's the hands' job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period....... ......... Won't that be called dessert?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did they know the victim of the shark attack had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders on the beach."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to me and says.. ..\"Why are you making a fire around the pot of water you are in?\"I say \"Sorry, just trying to build my self a-steam.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day Teach a man to fish and he'll colonize your land."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do people in the Middle East bid farewell to each other? They Dubai"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet? He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn't the \"roof\" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife. She said, \"I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!\"I said, \"That's the point.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup. After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :\\- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week! Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? It depends on whether you'll see them later or in a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother always had an amazing way with words. One day, I gave her a call after my grandfather had been put into a retirement home. I asked her how he was doing, she said, “He’s like a fish out of water.” I asked, “Is he finding it hard to fit in?” And she replied, “No, he’s dead.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only drink on days beginning with \"T\" Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, \"And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow.\" She then glared off camera and continued... \"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady goes grocery shopping. So, a lady goes to the grocery store to buy a few things, and she approaches the meat section on the store. She says to the butcher \"how much for that pig's head??\" To this the butcher replies \"ma'am, that's a mirror.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ducks What is impossible to witness among ducks?A pair-o'-ducks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Star Trek poetry night? It has it's Prose and Khan's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Trump play golf after the election ? Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy says to the bartender \"Give me something tall, cold and full of gin.\" The drunk on the next stool turn angrily and says \"Be careful. You are speaking about the woman I love.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to be a baker My great grandfather was a baker, my grandfather was a baker and my dad was a baker.I was bread for this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain. Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies suggest that approximately 90% of the world's population is right-handed. On the other hand, 10% of the world's population is left-handed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable? SQUASH"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard about the Trump fruit salad? It's mostly orange 'm' peach."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does earth and mars schedule a vacation They planet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ... what a kind jester!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The most important element of public speaking? Podium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments? It became an  a cappellago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my wife is fed up with my dad jokes and asked me to stop telling them. Me: how do you want me to stop?Wife: whatever means necessary.Me: ...? No it doesn't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig who just lost at a game of tug-of-war? Pulled pork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen. It's mad cow disease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father and his young son are walking deep in the woods at night with a lantern and a shovel The son says, \"Dad it's creepy out here, I'm scared\" The father replies, \"You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace. **ME:** That’s beautiful.**CARL DOUGLAS:** Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.**ME:** No, you’re right, that’s better. Carl’s is better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best angle to approach any problem? The TRYangle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors Carole Baskin And Robin's"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory. Said the snooker teacher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of fish can perform a liver transplant? A sturgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten? The cat shat on the mat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with atrophy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask It's called Natural Selection"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you use \"Beef stew\"as a password? Because it's not stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles... “Hardback?”, asked the clerk.“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle was never good at throwing stuff away He died from a hand grenade"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena wakes up at a hospital John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICUJohn Cena: No you can’t"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Would you be interested in contributing to our Sperm Foundation Fund?\" No thanks, I gave at the office."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a squash that can't get married? Cant elope"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? Because it was rated arrr!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rabbit that's raised indoors? An in-grown hare!:)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Dracula call his interior design book? Fang-shui."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I kissed a vampire last Halloween. Do you know what it felt like? A pain in the neck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it's not polite to fish and tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman when he's hurt? Bruised Wayne."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My love for you is like an hourglass I always finish on the bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?” ”Trying to find a way out, sir.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water. No shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Despite space being a Vacuum Mars is really Dusty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After yesterday’s events Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you like pop music, like Imagine Dragons? Well imagine dragon these nuts across your chin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do farmers put bells on their cows? Because their horns don’t work.(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society! Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for \"self-promotion\")"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school But to be honest I should have seen all the signs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do motivated tires say? We move."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I’ve got to do is talk to the door lock... ... because communication is key"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never knew my wife could have so much fun with a cucumber, a banana and a coke bottle Until I saw how happy she was making my lunch today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My biology teacher stubbed his toe today and screamed.. Mitosis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. \"What're you doing?\" asks the Principal. \"Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like.\" I said. \"You cant leave this stuff laying here.\" He says. So I say \"Why...\" It's just clique bate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The local barber just got busted for dealing drugs. I'm shocked. I've been a customer of his for 10 years. Never knew he was a barber, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would a snowman say if he could talk? \"I smell carrots.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ducks make great detectives? They always quack the case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies. Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cancer is a terrible disease ... but it grows on you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call King Henry VIII when he’s in the air? An altitudor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hear they are calling the riots yesterday 'The Capitol Blizzard' Makes Sense....They caused lots of destruction, Was full of snowflakes, And a whole lot of White."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic... It was really awkward asking them for a hanger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick? One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^There once was a [person] from [place]Whose [body part] was [special case].When [event] would occur,It would cause [him or her]To violate [law of time/space]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cigarettes are like squirrels. Theyre perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to have my ashes mixed with cocaine That way, I’ll go out on a high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas? It's super ape peeling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gotta love the graphic designer for the PA license plate ...cuz the colors I associate the state with are blue, white, and yellow like the gorgeous beaches it has."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone know how to lift a house? My girlfriend wants me to put foundation on her face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a computer file that likes children? A PDFFile"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I say Long John Silver, I really like your earrings, how much were they?\" \"2 dollars\"  \"They're not bad at all for a buccaneer\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, \"Morning.\" He replied, \"No, just having a shit.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put in your interstellar trail mix? Astro-nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost cross the road? Because it was a poultrygeist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steam hissing out from under his hood, a Walrus pulls his convertible into a service station... The service station attendant looks over and says \"looks like you've blown a seal\"\"No I haven't,\" says the Walrus, \"I've just finished an ice-cream.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost both arms to a motorcycle accident. I think there’s something wrong with my legs too but I just can’t put my finger on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my second shot now..... Waiting for the bartender to come back so that I can have a third shot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in \"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!\"\"All of them?\" he asks, putting down his rifle.\"No, only one.\"He starts cleaning the rifle again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi? He's still alive. (Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Epic Cow? Legend Dairy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny? Perfect timing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a family that smokes weed together? Joint family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach unless he’s a vegetarian.Then you can get there through his vagina."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was meeting my future father in law for the first time... He asked me, \"Are you here for my daughter's hand?\" In the interest of being honest, I replied, \"I'm mostly interested in her vagina.\" He was taken aback so I quickly added, \"but in a pinch her hand'll do the job.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Building yachts I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the soldier flush the toilet? It wasn't his duty.(Sorry, this was my niece's favorite joke for years)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you lift an elephant with one hand? You can't, elephant only have feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Russ: \"Dad, this tree won't fit in our backyard.\" Clark: \"It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning my alarm went off early. I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks \"Occupation?\" \"No, just visiting.\" Said the guy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pancake say to the complimentary muffin? I'm flattered!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a sex-ed class, the teacher asked me,\"What was missing in your first sexual experience?\" Apparently, my answer \"Consent\" was wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "farmer: how many cows got out? **me:** seventeen**farmer:** round 'em up**me:** ok twenty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve heard one beer = 7 slices of bread I ate a whole loaf and I’m not drunk yet.Did I do it wrong?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My spirit animal is a bull Because, I too, charge head first into red flags"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on a date with a blind chick the other day. We made it back to my place and things started getting hot when she reached up my pants. She said \" Damn! You have the biggest dick I've ever played with!\"I said \"Nah. You're just pulling my leg.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drinking an entire bottle of wine in under an hour is a lot like entrusting a secret to a unreliable person; It's bound to come up sooner or later!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What disease are anti-vax kids immune to? Adulthood. I hope this isn't taken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What were the favorite Linux text editors of 8 randomly selected Monty Python fans? vim, vim, vim, vim, vim, vim, emacs, and vim."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to drive your wife wild in the bedroom. Leave all of the dresser drawers slightly ajar with a little piece of clothing sticking out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a network specialist comes up to me and says \"do you wanna here a joke?\" There was a Linux error"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history? He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's my favourite xmas song? The one about the 25 letter alphabet. Nooo L, nooo L, nooooo L, no L"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a Vietnamese food truck at lunch to order my favourite soup... But there was a huge line and I was in a rush. It was kind of a pho queue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? Any dog, because buildings can’t jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks… …because the other is a buoy ant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Christmas cake recipe **Required Ingredients:*** 1 cup of water* 1 cup of sugar* 4 large brown eggs* 2 cups of dried fruit* 1 teaspoon of salt* 1 cup of brown sugar* Lemon juice* Nuts* 1 bottle of whiskey**Preparation:**Sample the whi... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the governor of Texas and a neanderthal? Neanderthal evolved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my best teachers in high school was a turtle. I remember everything he tortoise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Strippers don't use air conditioners... Only fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy who hasn't seen his Girlfriend since lock-down, phoned her. Guy: Hi babe hows the diet going.?Her: Not good, I had eggs for breakfast.Guy: Scrambled.?Her: No, Cadbury's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my brother have quite the connection together We're siamese twinsNote: I am actually not a siamese twin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's really nice to see Churches embrace internet technology during this pandemic. Our priest even bought my son his own Webcam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day. Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when engineering students call themselves \"Engineer\" you don't see med students calling themselves doctor, or art  students calling themselves unemployed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Indian family went into self quarantine after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Simon was in a car crash with his uncle..... Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was savedbut lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his loveof music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Windows loves to troll me Windows: \"the device wasn't able to connect to internet due to connection error\"Also windows:\" would you like to go online to search for a solution\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put a slice of bread in the oven and forgot to set the timer. As soon as I could smell it burning I knew it was toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the Port of Subs down the street burned down? They should have been a Firehouse Subs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy started yelling at me in sign language It was a deaf threat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, \"When Harry Met Sally\" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight... You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend asked whats my favourite form of cardio Jumping to conclusions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history... It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would drive Tiger in the woods? A need for speed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network... ...and call it LinkedIn Park.I'll show myself out now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer? You only need to punch instructions into a drum machine once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandad \"Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips.\" Grandson \"Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough\" Grandad \"back in my day... 2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One wind engine asks an other: What music do you like? The other one answers: I'm a big metal fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you guys heard about those new courdoroy pillows? They’re making “headlines”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you tell dad jokes until you have kids? It's a faux pas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does Dracula keep his money? A blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the chef clear his head at work? He went for a wok."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the tallest building in the world? The library-it's got the most stories."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the slow tomato say to the others? Don't worry I'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently 3 out of 5 Americans live next to some sort of sexual pervert. Not me, I live next to a sexy senior citizen with a prosthetic leg!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Forecast calls for a heavy downpour of faecal matter I heard it's going to be a total shit storm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined? It was a fruitless Endeavor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard? A lawn mewer.(I wrote this yesterday)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dwayne Johnson and Tom Cruise is casted on the same movie. There is a scene where Tom Cruise climbs on top of Dwayne Johnson without using a stunt double since he is so good at rock climbing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read about a heartwarming story of several doctors performing an overnight surgery on a giraffe's knee. I guess it was a joint operation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man attacks a woman wearing a fur coat.. ..and shouts at her angrily - \"Do you have any idea how many minks had to die for you to wear that fur??\"\"It is not mink, it's polyester!\"\"Doesn't matter!! Do you know how many polyesters had to die!?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t Henry VIII breath? He had no heir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing. It was very hard to hear that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rabbit that's raised indoors? An in-grown hare!:)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old man said to his grandson playing on a tablet...You younger generation are too dependent on technology. His grandson said...Which one of us needs a pacemaker to live?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His Friends Cautioned Him About The Health Hazard Involved, Saying That The Exertion Of Amour Could Prove To Be Fatal. \"Vell, Dat's The Chance I'll Have To Take,\" Said Lars. \"If She Dies...She Dies.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I actually have to see a specialist for daily sex. I mean dyslexia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans... They never get old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school. His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: \"No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a single set of footprints in the sand... \"Lord,\" I asked, \"why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?\"\"My child,\" he tenderly replied, \"Those are Chris Christie's.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?” The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I write this I'm trying to assemble bicycle wheels using quite a complex process. Damn, I spoke too soon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cutting carbs You know, experts say that it’s healthy to cut carbs and they’re probably right. I just don’t know whether I should cut them with a knife or a fork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it...  Lunch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem. When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My idea of holding a summer vacation school to help kids with severe ADHD failed. Do you think it's because I called it a \"Concentration Camp?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blubber salesman say when he found out the margins on petroleum were better? Whale oil be damned!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space? A steroid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that they had to increase the security in the graveyard last week. People were dieing to get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Train joke A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left the town by railway. It was an Ex-press train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a magic owl HoodiniSorry if somebody made this joke already"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The unluckiest person did actually find the fountain of immortality. Unfortunately, he drowned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny... insufficiently."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas But all he gave me was some junky old car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees before it comes off in your hand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Greek mythology class is killing my GPA. I guess you could say it's my Achilles' elbow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House He said, \"So nothing new then\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the oyster leave the party early He pulled a mussel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Will February March? No, but April May :')Sorry, IDK if this was posted before.And yes, I know it's bad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a new business tomorrow. It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.I'm calling it, \"Resolutions.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mechanic: \"When were your tires last rotated?\" Me: \"On the way here, silly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb he threw a huge party, everyone was invited it was well lit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call unemployed Bob the builder? Bob"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say reading is hot. So I started studying philosophy. Now all of my relationships are platonic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw.... He said, \"I'm not sure, it all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "New Years resolution to recycle water I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer.  I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Lady Gaga unzip files on windows? RAR, RAR-ah-ah-ah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else. The barman says \"now *that's* an order of magnitude!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead in a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What pasta is always getting locked out of its house? Gnocchi!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pickle say to the lemon? I relish our time togetherI'll see myself out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorus walk into a bar. OH SNaP!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad. I said, \"Na. Pretty sure it is OK.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the dentist who loves tooth extraction? [removed]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came up with a science joke... Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?They have a big carbon footprint..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't people sympathise when your books drop to the floor? Because you only have your shelf to blame"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories... Makes scents..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People keep talking about black holes I guess they have a lot of mass appeal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name. Unfortunately Iran was already taken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which month do wives complain the least? February because it has fewer days."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher? He brings out the wurst in them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa have prostate cancer? Because he only cums once a year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We have a saying here in Alabama, “Playing a game and having it end in a tie is like kissing your sister.” It’s fucking awesome because you didn’t lose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.>!The rest 20% are missing!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a: Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did tiger quit golf? He lost the ability to drive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid : \" What are condoms used for?\" Dad : \" To avoid such questions. \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever. It's all water under the bridge now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago. I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off. But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend left me because I’m a big Star Wars fan Looks like tonight I’ll be Han Solo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning? Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?They worked inter-mitten-ly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there? A pigment of your imagination"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know that scent of moth balls? If so- you're some weird freak spreading its legs to sniff it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son was upset that I gave all his toys to the orphanage. I just didn't want him to get bored over there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle. “Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor. You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some pantyhose but they kept telling me climate change wasn't real I should have checked the Denier rating"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction? No whey, Hose A."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond There's a lot of pressure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a giraffe’s neck so long? To connect its head and body together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe… And it makes you limp…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day? That would be soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: \"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son.\" The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: \"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids? A traffic cone.*what did you expect?*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a clothes designer drank from the Fountain of Youth... Now she's Forever 21."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know about that samurai who committed harakiri ? He had no guts ...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama. Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says \"Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?\"She smiles and says, \"Yale.\"He says, \"YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away Sounds far fetched"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? A philosiraptor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Thor lose his lightning powers? His father grounded him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I read my mom's ID card today She's so bad at sex, that she got an F in it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one tire say to the other tire? I wheel-y like you.- LJ, age 7"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. \"You know, one would have been enough.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, then I think I'll just sleep in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds do when they become rich? They make it rain!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there's Nathan...(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know if the mosquitos are really big? When their sucking feels good.​​A joke told my my grandfather about when he was stationed in the woods in the army."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson... Apparently it's called an \"Eye disection\" not \"Eye digestion\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told the corn he wasn't fat, just a little husky. He didn't know how to take the compliment tho I guess it went against the grain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did tiger quit golf? He lost the ability to drive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a film director that has crabs? Alfred Itchcock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you get mixed up in an undersea gang war? You get a crab wound.So you go the police but they clam't help you.Eventually you end up at the hospital and they tell you you'll need a sturgeon.Then you murder everyone because you are so god damn tired of their undersea puns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do diarrhea and hair color have in common? They both run in your genes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs. But only partially."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but... I'm starting to think he's a bassist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is every American receiving a $1200 check? Because Trump always pay off the people he's fucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer I get reported for sexual harassment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day, I bailed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This bloke said to me, “would you be up for doing an impression of a pheasant?” I said, “sure, I'm game!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't we buy Viagra or Cialis from China? Because we don't want them messing with our erections."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Frenchman that got baked into a loaf of bread? He's in a lot of pain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister had a baby to save the relationship... But i still don’t talk to her.Credit: anthony jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank...... Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The key to paradise Son: dad, what does mum have between her legs.Dad: paradiseSon: what do you have between your legs.Dad: the key to paradiseSon: maybe you should change the locks.Dad: what? Why do you say that?Son: because the neighbour has a 2nd key to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and a homeschooler got into an argument about the education system. He went on a rant about how education in America is broken and asked me, \"who's running the education system?\"\"Your mom,\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my nephew that I was named after George Washington. He said, \"but Uncle, your name is Jon.\" I said,\"I know I was named AFTER George Washington.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the deal with scented candles? If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything... but eventually it made scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you try to crossbreed a turtle and a dragon? You get a crushed turtle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath? A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why? They had UV protection in front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met Tiger Woods at a driving range, and he offered to watch a few of my shots and give me advice He watched carefully, and told me I was standing much too close to the ball - after I hit it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "i walk through the forbidden forest im treespassing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A starter cable walks into a bar The bartender says\" I'll serve you but dont start anything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: \"Yes, It is a serious problem.\"71% of respondents answered: \"No es una problema seriosa.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women… I'm calling it: Cadaviar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? SnowballsCourtesy of my daughter who comes home and asks if I want to hear a \"dirty joke\" she overheard from some elder school mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the German tourist in Britain say when they saw something illegal? Nien Nien Nien!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!Edit : grammar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve... ....that would be a reservation reservation reservation -credit to Brian Regan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs? He's a Pabst-ist.Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning. His mother was furious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a professional mover with Parkinson’s disease? A mover and a shaker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light? Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The air in California is so toxic I think I might date it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which unit describes the intensity of light in South Africa? Nelson Candela"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead He calls it *Nyetflix*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't mean to brag.... but cashiers are always checking me out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a water buffalo with a firetruck? steamed beef"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you have a six pack and get shot four times in the stomach, what do you have? A Tupac"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make Lady Gaga mad? Poke her face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked me for a book Mark. Can't believe he's 11 and still doesn't know I'm named Dave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, Mark, my words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election! It's called President Evil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was illegally hunting for mushrooms. I have questionable morels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, \"Why is your stomach so big?\" She replied, \"I’m having a baby.\" With big eyes, he asked, \"Is the baby in your stomach?\" She answered, \"He sure is.\" Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, \"Is it a good baby?\"She said, \"Oh, yes. It's a real good baby.\" With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked:Then why did you eat him?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom. Probably cause the audience is shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS \"LEBRON JAMES NUDES\" DON'T CLICK ON IT. IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 kangaroos walk into a bar \"Why in the world are there 3 kangaroos in the bar\" says the bar tenderThe kangaroos then wreak havoc on the bar as they are wild animals and belong outdoors where they can do wild animal things."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter! The dog isn’t going to come anyways.But what do you call a eunuch with no legs?Still doesn’t matter! He’s not going to cum anyways!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a power cut at my house so I started talking to my family.... .... Turned out to be nice people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i wrote this as a kid: Why did Jesus have low self esteem He was Jewish. He didn’t believe in himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A digital pirate lost his leg. He now has a JPEG leg to replace it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purrrrple. OC from my 6yo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup. I leaned over and said, \"You're single arent you..\"She says, \"Yes, but how did you know?\"I said, \"Because you're ugly as fuck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One side thinks it will end up like Judge Dredd, while the other side things it will be Demolition Man... But the truth is, we are The Expendables."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming.. I told him to make up his mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found my wife in bed with a judge. The judge said, \" It's not what it looks like!\" To which I replied, \"your honor!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank...... Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do planets listen to? Nep-tunes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts\" \"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .And my client did exactly that. I rest my case \"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Trump banned Tik Tok because it's made in China Why doesn’t he just ban the Corona Virus?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun. Almost as big as your mom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ISIS and anime fans have in common? They both get hot and bothered over cartoons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: Hello, ASPCA? There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan ASPCA: We don't believe youMe: Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza? a crust station"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fish has a medical degree? A Sturgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I overlayed some dubstep to my favorite video of a clumsy fisherman I synced them up to when they drop the bass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife hates the fact that we never have visitors. I never would have guest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East. I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Britain leaves EU, how much space will be freed up? 1 GB"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all my Redditor friends observing the holy month of Ramadan... ...Lunch is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Observational humor isn't funny See?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who got only one visitor his entire life, got banished from the family and still lurks around with hope? Pluto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo mamma's so fat They had to take her passport photo with Google earth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cars faster than motorcycles? Because motorcycles are two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest. Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a country hotel and a tight pair of pants have in common? There's no ballroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American comedian and a Chinese comedian are having a conversation American: \"I've been writing some new jokes lately, they're really funny.\"Chinese: \"Me too.\"American: \"The amount I've written is worth around 2 hours of stage time.\"Chinese: \"The amount I've written is worth around 30 years of labor camp time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Dragonborn climb the 7000 steps? He wanted to see what all the Fus was about.(Credit to a youtube comment i saw)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my father showed me a world of pain I know he sounds like a monster, but he was just a French baker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Hindu friend is very peaceful. He has never had beef with anyone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout from the store. Big mistake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a stand up about mountain climbing I was skeptical at first but, I have to admit when the routine reached its peak there was some high level jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the sweet potato truck that crashed on the interstate? It caused a huge traffic yam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a \"mystery object\" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a guard slacking and he was surprised to see me. I think I caught him off guard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pam: \"We're hoping our interview seals the deal.\" Jim: \"If not, there's always the army...the infantry.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners instead of 90 degree angles? If they were 90 degrees the ice would melt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale. I never sausage a selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out the news that I'm color blind I was surprised. It came completely out of the green."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate sphynx cats because I prefer hairy pussy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Kentucky farmer visits his farmer cousin in Ireland. The Irish farmer lives alone and the Kentucky Farmer asks how he avoids loneliness. Irish farmer says \"The Sheep.\" \"I could never!\" replies the Kentucky Farmer. \"Sure you could.\" The Irish farmer retorts... \"...Just pretend it's a chicken.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most peaceful musical instrument? I don't know, but violins isn't the answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week? The news has dubbed him \"Billy the Kid.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the fiasco surrounding the reward for the prettiest cat butt? It was a huge cat ass trophy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Grizzly found causing mayhem at a BBQ” First, he mauled dad in the back garden. Then he cooked up some burgers, urinated in the punch and downed the lot of it. The newspaper headline read: “Bear grills, drinks his own piss”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend said my sense of humor was so dark... that is was like a black hole.  Not even a light pun could escape it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, \"Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!\" Mods said I'm a cereal reposter..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mate has just won an award for beating another 12 men in a bait digging contest.He has now been crowned. The master baiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The boredom of self isolation. Day (9) Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in?If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder.. ..to find exactly 32 of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night my friend trashed a Chinese restaurant... Told him I was horrified by his wonton destruction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting made from magical trees would be very good, but it's actually enticing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman name his dog frost? Because frost bites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed. They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...” I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favourite element? The element of surprise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man was reading his wife's suicide note Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding. Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do scientists keep their breath fresh? Experamints"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me \"Ha ha ha! My illegal tree cutting business is working!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Posting about Covid-19 on the Internet..... Seems to have gone viral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My social life is like an oxygen mask Nonexistant unless something bizarre happens"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A naked woman robbed a bank Nobody could remember her face"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal. When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor... Then I thought of all the training."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In honor of Throwback Thursday, here's a joke from 2008. What will happen if Hillary Clinton becomes president?She will file for divorce.And what will happen if Barack Obama becomes president?He'll have the White House repainted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq. Anyway I asked him where he was off to.\"To change a light bulb\" he replies.\"Won't that be difficult?\" I ask.\"Nah\" he says, \"I've still got the receipt\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a rapper attacks a loved one? beats by Dr. Dre"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A judge called me egotistical and conceited I think I'm appealing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken. Since then, the steaks have never been higher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered... that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son can only see in shades of beige, Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend. I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the highest religious authority among oranges called? The Pulp."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her: “Well, I guess now you really are… independent\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night, my daughter shouted downstairs, \"Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink!\" \"That's great, darling!\" I said. \"Put it under your pillow and see what happens.\" A few minutes later she shouted, \"Nothing's happened dad and now my bed is completely soaked!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make 7 even? Take away the s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts love to drink? Ghoul Aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Orion's belt the worst constellation? It's a waist of space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Centuries later, key US government buildings still accurately represent the people inside them They're mostly old and white."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the tugboat get AIDS? It was rear-ended by a ferry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said \"tell him a fruit joke...\" And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "February 14th... a day I get something that starts with \"A\" and ends im \"al\"... .... a nice meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is. I don’t get paid enough for this shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I had both colonoscopy and gastroscopy, and in a few hours, well... I'll see my self out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doth Abraham not bringeth his grain to the spelling bee? For it was already spelt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest.... It’s so sad. He had so much potential"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You are european when going to the bathroom and european when you leave the bathroom. What are you whilst in the bathroom? You're peeing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something... A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.The hotel manager comes over and says, \"Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?\"The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, \"Nome, Nome, Nome.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the definition of \"relative humidity\"? That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.(Too rude?)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied? After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa most definitely passed No Nut November He only comes in December."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Friend and I were exploring the Appalachia on Fallout 76 Well, that was until I shot him in the head with my pistol.Now, to be fair, I did have an airtight alibi for this.I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy. One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow.  The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom. So I switched them out for red bull."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which unit describes the intensity of light in South Africa? Nelson Candela"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ireland Did you hear about the Diseased Colony in Ireland that stole everyone's money?.......It was a Leper Con."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization? You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting \"repost!\" back to civilization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is turning 32 next Monday. I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”“What are you talking about?” she asked.I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's internet password? 1forest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A family takes their sick dog to the vet. The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says \"I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down.\"\"Why?\", asks the shocked family. \"What's wrong with him?\"\"Nothing major\", replied the vet. \"He's just really heavy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man got a job in Ireland... A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move. The day before they were to leave, she asked him,\"Are you sure about this?\"He tried to clam her down, saying\"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open. A terrible, early form of click bait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: Hey boss, can I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas? Boss: It’s May.Me: Fine. May I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a scientist freshen their breath? With experi-mints!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life is just like a USB port 50% chance of being right and always wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the tornado that hit the trailer court in Little Rock? It destroyed the Governor's mansion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Almost got on a television show once.... So pissed they cancelled COPS"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All music classes were banned at my school... They said the classes encouraged too much sax and violins..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists planned to verify if Schroedingers thought experiment prevails on Mars but sadly Curiosity killed the cat, rendering the experiment futile."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Charlie Brown take his pole dancing routine so seriously? He was tired of doing comic strips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Galileo Galilei Invented the Thermoscope Which is the Forerunner of the Rectal Thermometer. Galileo also created the theory of heliocentric orbits by studying near planets like Mercury. This led to the discovery of further planets like Uranus.This is a man who found two different ways to apply Mercury to Uranus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked \" are you alright, sir ?\" Sean : \"it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort. Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are two blondes fighting over, on a motorcycle? Over which one gets the window seat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out? He had a total meltdown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do farmers like to trade with? BeetCoin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day Call that luck of the IRS."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer keeps playing random music I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that... Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is ben Shapiro’s favorite book? Mad Libs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my father's side. But since the operation, now he's my uncle once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dick is like hair ties You either have so many that you don’t know what to do with them or you can’t find one anywhere when you need it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top. Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass. Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. “It’s women like you who make blondes look stupid. If I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the cemetery so popular? People are just dying to get in there!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, \"No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of deaf people? I don't know. But it is definitely not heard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the only island you can drive to? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't mummies take time off work? They're afraid to unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cow or bull? A farmer learned on his first day how to tell the difference between a cow and a bull... \"This milk tastes funny\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border. I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I bought a burglar alarm. Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side A daddy wrong legs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend asked whats my favourite form of cardio Jumping to conclusions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Rabbit, a Monkey and a Llama walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them, and goes:\" I think you're ALL in the wrong joke.\"The rabbit says :\"Man this is worse than when I was just a typo.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year. Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can’t even."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an Emergency physician’s favorite cellular organelle? The ER"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me what was the difference between jam and jelly I told her I can't really jelly my dick in her mouth.Oh, so there's no real difference, she replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People ask me how I feel about having never caught a heron I tell them, \"I have no egrets.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old man said to his grandson playing on a tablet...You younger generation are too dependent on technology. His grandson said...Which one of us needs a pacemaker to live?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In college I experimented with marijuana. I did it in snow and I did it in sleet But I did not in hail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the 3 worst mistakes in business 1. Over-promising 2. Under-delivering"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's nothing in the Guinness Book about digital DJs. They don't hold any records."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing? A Def Leppard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You burn 26 calories a minute kissing. That's probably why I'm overweight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of the Thai superhero that fights crime while dressed as currency? Bahtman.Or is it The Bahtman?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rapper with flatulence? 50 scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women I would be invisible to them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Mike Tyson dies and becomes a ghost. What is his favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Ethereal(A cereal)I'm proud of this joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which operating system does Varys run his spy network on? Unix; it was decided for him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love showing up to religious conventions cosplaying as a crucified Jesus. I'm a cross dresser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Capitalist Santa give all his presents to the rich? He wanted jingle down economics to take place"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler? Practice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde open a bottle of milk in the supermarkt? Because it says: Open here"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a toy manufacturer, I've always believed that only kids know what kids want Which is why I only open factories in China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are the bathrooms so quiet at Pfizer headquarters? ....Because the P is silent.   (a 12 year old told me this after I got my Pfizer vaccine)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell of a cliff? Because she was wearing her mittens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What fish is made out of two sodium atoms? 2 Na"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Say what you like about China... [This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After Hunt for Red October came out, my family moved from Moscow to San Francisco, where I became a fan of the 49ers with Steve Young as Quarterback I would have liked to have seen Montana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What karate move are pigs known for? Pork chop"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said... “Yes we are, son.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why flamingos lift up one leg when sleeping? Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account. If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just found out they have opened a new library in my town... They kept that quiet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What game do fascists like to play? Nahtzee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do. I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anthony Joshua 21 KOs, David Haye 26 KOs, Floyd Mayweather 27 KOs... Bill Cosby 30 KOs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We have a saying here in Alabama, “Playing a game and having it end in a tie is like kissing your sister.” It’s fucking awesome because you didn’t lose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doth Abraham not bringeth his grain to the spelling bee? For it was already spelt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Muslim tailor make so many veils? It's hijab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I work at a hospital doing circumcisisions It pays horribly, but at least I get to keep the tips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A: Why are peppers the best at archery? B: Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't mummies take time off work? They're afraid to unwind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a vampire's least favourite meal? Steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? Oh my toe sis!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, \"First offender?\" She says, \"No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees access the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase? A branch manager!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a snowman have in common with an ocean? They're both bodies of water!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A supervillain walks into a bank and says, \"I'm Mr Marijuana Frostbite...! ...and I'm a stoned cold killer!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Man and God met at bar. Both exclaimed, “*My creator*!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote a movie about a male sheep and his son enjoying a Hostess pastry. I call it*Ram, a Lamb, a Ding Dong*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most popular chili in the Middle East? Halalpeño."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, \"What's upstairs!?\" I chuckled and replied, \"Awwwww sweetie....\" \"Stairs don't talk!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to fix my shovel today, but I just couldn’t handle it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount. They called it \"The Oregon Trail\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments. YouTuba."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 guys break down in the middle of the desert The first one says he'll take the hood to use as shade.The second one says he'll take the radiator because he can drink the water left in it.The third guy says he'll take the door so if he gets hot he can roll the window down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ. It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My school had a mental health fair But I didn’t have any to give, so I didn’t bother going."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle I responded, “That’s not right.”With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you describe how Al Gore plays drums? Al-Gore-rhythms!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "new kitten So I decided to teach my kitten to write.  You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily.  Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you a gorilla pit? Cause I'd love to drop a kid in you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "February 10th should be National Fart Day. Because it's 2/10."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a tailor say when he makes a mistake? Sew?Tip your waitresses"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to use a paper map when sightseeing but my girlfriend insisted on using her phone It was my way or the Huawei."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did it take John Rhys-Davies so long to get married? Bad dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roman dad name his fat newborn? Voluminous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your in a cucumber right now. The longer you wait, the more of a pickle its going to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nudists must be careful around Team Rocket... ... because they're always trying to get a Pikachu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I brought a date to the 4th of July party... ...really sweetened up the fruit salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Celebrities who release perfumes... Have they no scents of shame?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much are tickets to wizards’ sporting events? About a quid each"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton... ...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, \"I see you've made your point.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to my local library to look for a book on small penises With not alot of luck I decided to ask the librarian - \"Have you seen the book about small penises?\" she replied \"It isn't in yet\" I said \"Yeah, that's the one!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's easier to get from Trump than a stimulus check? A pardon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a ninja who attacked people with high-powered semen. No one would ever see him coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. That fly didn’t stand a chance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two similar looking pair of breasts? Identities."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the beaver find after his home was destroyed by a flood? Not a dam thing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. \"What're you doing?\" asks the Principal. \"Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like.\" I said. \"You cant leave this stuff laying here.\" He says. So I say \"Why...\" It's just clique bate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life is like huffing butane... first you huff the butane, then you die"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom. I'm pissed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does God tell temperatures only in Kelvins and not Celsius or Fahrenheit? Because God's words are absolute."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said \"Can I have a word?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when two potatoes hook-up Mashing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month. It’s nothing but period drama."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bird say when he was surprised Well Owl be damned"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most calming scent? Chloroform"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules something about not having Chemistry together"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We also have a great collection of Knock, Knock Jokes for Kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't get a reservation at the library. Because they were completely booked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost an electron. Are you positive?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about free healthcare? Oh, your American? Never mind , you wouldn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a horny square? Erectangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's dead, brown, and covered in sand? Shamima Begum's kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to you call a pig missing both hind legs? A ham-putee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers: Riceless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is that you, Mr. Mosquito? In the flesh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, \"I wonder if the have any colored printers.\"I replied, \"Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman and Robin after the get run over by a steam roller? Flatman and Ribbon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to go visit my wife but when she saw me she got scared and locked the door. I'm not surprised. I am pretty angry that she didn't come to my funeral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$ I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.I thought \"well, I can't turn that down\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dollar say to the yen? You are so invaluable, it doesn’t even make cents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of asexuals are playing cards one, the dealer, says \"I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate? Taiwanasaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been seeing a light bulb sales girl lately... Her name is Ellie DeeShe really lights up my life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the fastest form of communication? Sign language....since it travels at the speed of light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear? Bear Minimum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I apologize for the coin shortage. I started a swear jar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to spend Christmas together? Because they have herd immunity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom? Because her pee is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s tough trying to explain Japanese history But I can Samurais it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? They can't control their pupils."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was out shopping with the wife when we came across a group of young ladies wearing mini skirts. I said, “ooh look at them legs! I bet you had legs like them.” She didn’t answer but I think she was upset since I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp to Walmart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor is a cougar into BDSM You could say she is into strapping young lads."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a computer and a shark have in common? They both have megabites"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that... ...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll. They’re the troll kin white guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Lisa came home and told her mother she got $5 from the boys to climb a tree Her mother smiled and said: “They only wanted to peek at your panties under your dress.”“I know”, said Lisa, “But I fooled them. I took off my panties before I climbed!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds? Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich? Provalone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is a top secret message This is a bottom secret message"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a stoner do when he sees a space man? He parks in it, man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and comes in brownies? Cub Scouts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you compliment a Venezuelan girl? Tell her she looks like a trillion bucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the selective Ghost only haunt Bars and Pubs..? ... He's addicted to Boos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an \"empowered woman\" But when I do it I'm \"gay\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought It's a growing problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I understand why Jesus was crucified But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you? on Oni Fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast. Just so she could have a “titty tat.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not a big fan of people who don't like Peanut Butter Cups I find them to be reesist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, \"This dinner is disgusting\" then my wife said, \"Well, boil your own toast next time then\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the first pig discovered in? SINGAPORK!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open? Because it has short skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese judge comes out of session. Meets another judge who asks \"What's so funny?\"\"Oh, someone just told the best political joke ever.\"\"Care to share?\"\"Can't. Sentenced him to 10 years for it\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got into an heated negotiation with someone on offerup over some gym equipment. Hopefully it works out in my favor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight is the protector of food? Sir Anwrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, Mark, my words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you always knock on a refrigerator door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the chef clear his head at work? He went for a wok."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pinocchio had 2 pets. He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny? Perfect timing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home. Now he’s in a pickle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went for a job interview and got offered the job as a fisherman but turned it down as the net pay wasn't good"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD They're calling it AD4K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do bees stay while on vacation? Air Bee and Bee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If giraffes could read books I bet they wouldn't be able to stop at just one. . . . what with them being two-story animals and all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a snowman make you laugh? It gives you an icetickle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: Your dad’s not with us anymore Me: Damn, what happened? Doctor: He’s at a different hospital Me: Oh, whew Doctor: Dead tho"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Earth Day not affect /r/jokes? Because everything is already 100% recycled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've always had a deep connection with mirrors I see a lot of myself in them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food... ...I am like I am single because I have strong hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you are debating whether or not to shovel your neighbor's driveway... Ask yourself, \"would they do the same for me?\"If the answer is no, do it anyways out of the kindness of your heart.If the answer is yes, go back inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a single set of footprints in the sand... \"Lord,\" I asked, \"why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?\"\"My child,\" he tenderly replied, \"Those are Chris Christie's.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety and they said: \"what's school safety?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but... The tips were massive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a bald eagle A life time ban from the zoo and a felony...apparently"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Coronavirus came from Wuhan but it isn't the only disease to come from China There's also the Wu Ping cough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought your book \"How to scam people on Internet\"... ...and I still haven't received it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Statistician is playing darts The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, \"bullseye!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are women so bad at parking cars? Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a chicken that is a ghost? a poultrygeistIll be taking my downvotes in advance thanks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump Do you know what he'd call them?Fake Nudes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make number one disappear? You flush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty. They’re my last reshorts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Theodore so concerned when the stock price dropped? He was invest-Ted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark Any darker and the police might actually do something about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember in 2015 when John Cena was a big meme? Now it's practically invisible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was the captain of the chess team in high school... And as you might have guessed from that statement, I’m white and I’ve never dated a black woman. But if I ever do date a black woman, I know one thing:I’ll have to make the first move."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to help my pet snail. He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend takes bets on who's the ugliest person in a crowd. He's a FaceBookie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "April 4th National School Librarian Day I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books. She said, “that sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal Drug dealers: \"It's a set up!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? UCLA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend loves to talk about their new skin lotion. He just keeps rubbing it in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy was running around trying to determine the source of physicians' flatulence He was only following doctors odors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of chicken caught the sun? Tannedoori."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says \"In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test.\" The blonde asks \"Do you have to study a lot for them?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the orange say to the door? Mind if I squeeze in?Written by my 4 year old daughter and I think it is hilarious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How would you write “I changed a light bulb” on your resume? Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health I should sit on a chair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed? Let me finish this one line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A termite walks into a bar and asks, \"Is the bar tender here?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All vampires keep their money in a special place-the blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son screeched, Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!? What a strange way to start a conversation with me..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to dis-a-brie?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you spell the words \"Absolutely Nothing\" backwards, you get \"Gnihton Yletulosba,\" which ironically means...Absolutely nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the couple who didn't pay their exorcist? Their house got repossessed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What berry are the turtles allergic to? Strawberry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cowboys were riding through a canyon and from far off they heard the sound of drumming. One of them said, \"I don't like the sound of those drums.\" And a distant voice called out \"He's not our regular drummer!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Egyptian pharaoh hired me to lay flooring at a tomb he was building. He said it wouldn’t pay well at first but as I worked my way to the top I would reap the benefits. it wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme But it was multi level carpeting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an artist who loves making stew? Stewart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know you can't breath when you smile? Just kidding.  Just wanted to make you guys smile :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? Because it lifts their spirit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new disease in France turns people into bread. French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world. It's a paindemic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had a huge argument when she said Jim Morrison was overrated I disagreed and she stormed out, I hate it when she slams the doors"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating a female tennis player is always a good idea. They've got good aces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's worse than getting hot and bothered with your grandmother? Being thrown out of the crematorium before you finish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know an angle is dead? When it shows no vital sines"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three kittens are on a sloping roof... Which one slides down the slowest?The one with the highest μ"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought several books on how to overcome artificial intelligence. I saw them advertised on my Facebook."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds? Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter? It was an egg shell lent idea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Russians prefer to eat potatoes shaped like penises? Because Russia loves dick-taters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: Hello, is this hotel manager speaking? Manager: Yes. What happened Sir?Man: My wife is arguing with me and saying that she will jump out of the window.Manger : Sorry Sir, this is your personal issue, we cannot help.Man: I know, I know but I want help because the window is not opening."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: \"Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?\"\"No your Highness,\" the man replied, \"but my father was.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to get a new pair of scissors today. The old ones just weren’t cutting it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did God create war? So that Americans could learn geography."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States? Because Missouri loves company"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A criminal sets up a small souvenir shop in Australia selling glass Kangaroos as a front for his drug smuggling business The detective working the case walks in and says\"I can see straight through your roos mate\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers.  They call them \"I can't believe it's not Jesus\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant He said: it’s naan of your business"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What I if told you… That you read the top line wrong?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember the undies with the days of the week on them, Monday, Tuesday....? In Romania we had something similar, our girls on their undies had January, February...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a chicken salad for dinner last night. But he didn’t eat it.  Maybe I used too much dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at... She looks like a sheep dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I threw my wife a surprise bukake party Everyone came. You should have seen her face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eggplants are part of the cucumber family alongside tomatoes and zuccinis making them fruits... And not eggs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison. The police alert said “There’s a small medium at large.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who devoted his life to researching how to create potassium out of thin air? Some could say... >!he’d gone bananas!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they call an extra-large bottle of lube in Alabama? Family size"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violet's are blue When I listen to rock music. My neighbours do too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an illegal game show? Steal or No Steal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see? The chicken sees a salad!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom? He sheet himself!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not into temperature play- I just think it can be hot sometimes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation? **Pencil-vania!**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, \"What's black and white and red all over?\" \"Wow\" I replied. \"You speak English?\"She replied, \"Just a riddle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a coin is fresh? You can still smell the mint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three Chinese friends Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United StatesIn order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu..... decided to travel back to China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen. It's mad cow disease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack? Because it's assault."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do female ghosts sing on Halloween? Ghouls just want to have fun!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't trash collectors require any training? They just pick it up as they go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's rated \"Arrrrrrr.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech. In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood. He really had to shell out for that place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his miserable summer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:\"Man, Chester, you Knighted!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, \"Would you like a latte?\" And the Canadian responds to him \"Nah, just a bit, eh.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms ...Breakfast of champignons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? \"internyet!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Language barriers go brrr I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, \"Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!\" I said, \"Wow!\" Then her friend said, \"She means 666-3629.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.\"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down.\"\"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him.\" Johnny then frowned.\"I was sitting on Daddy's lap\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One from 3rd Grade: What's the name of the funniest mountain range? The Himhilarious"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crop tops are very efficient. They don't let anything go to waist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked \" are you alright, sir ?\" Sean : \"it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the groom want his bride to wear white? He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music. He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain... ...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a Casey Anthony joke...But... My mom would kill me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think Lab Grown Meat sounds bad, ... You should try Pit-bull Grown Meat.  (Mine had sticks and cat-litter in it.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague. I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly They call her ‘Cagey B’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog Syndrome keeps jumping up on people. Down, Syndrome!(I blame [this joke](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/i6d96/my_dog_mitten_ate_two_shuttlecocks_this_morning/) for dredging this up from my memory)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers He just wanted to put them in their place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked \"why is that book so thick?\" Then i told him \"its a long story\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doing a crossword puzzle I came across a clue “Part of the body where you might insert a plug. 3-Letters” Turns out the correct answer is “EAR”.  I was way off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If self sabotage was a sport I would find a way to lose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm trying to get my aunt and uncle to buy a donkey... But I don't wanna be an ass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does my uncle and a gastroenterologist have in common? Both shoved foreign objects up my ass after drugging me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make a joke about identical frequencies and wave forms. But it really separated the room.I was expecting more coherence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad. The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him \"do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?\"The snail said \"No I don't. It happened so fast:-(\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in. “Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter. “More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?  I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice. I said \"Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!\"He said \"Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ones for the kids: What did the bee say to the flower? Hey bud!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW Love is like a box of chocolates Some bastard is going to grab all the good ones and the rest of us will be forced to eat the gingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie.... Halfway through he asked, \"Is that lady going to die?\" \"Probably,\" I replied, \"judging by the size of that horse's cock.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two old friends meet on the street one day who haven’t seen each other in years... “Tony! Is that you?” “Hal! You look terrific! What’s your secret?” “I hit a hitchhiker late at night three years ago when I was drunk and fled the scene, leaving him for dead.” “Um... I meant for looking so young.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man from Alabama opened his fridge... He looked around inside, closed the fridge and yelled to his wife:\"Honey! We're out of bread!\"The wife came into the room with a new loaf.\"Don't worry,\" she said. \"We're in bread.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of table is good for your health? A vegetable!This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation Otherwise it's due to the lack of money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a group of Giraffes? a Myth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cross dressers fall slowly? Because of the drag."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I let my daughter touch a fork for the first time. Where she put it was shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring? One is nude in dye and the other died in new."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't like to illegally download music. I'm afraid I'll get FLAC."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cum and Lotion look and taste the same.... JUST KIDDING I dont know what lotion tastes like......"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is common between Reddit and China? They both don't like opinions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles. I told them to make it snappy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts wear to see better? Spooktacles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call malware on a Kindle? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery...I'll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Call me Delta Airlines cause I can't handle your extra baggage!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the worst place to loose ypur virginty? At a family trip to Alabama"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle is like a good love story Very touching"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs. But only partially."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs. Me: You're the one with the talking dog!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made? He uses polar coordinates!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project...... ...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus. They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners instead of 90 degree angles? If they were 90 degrees the ice would melt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ Or, as it's also known, R gone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW My friend found a girl tied to the train tracks. He told me he untied her and they went back to his place, I asked what they got up to and he said they had sex all night. Impressed by this I asked him if he got any head to which he said Nah I couldn’t find it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Hey Dad, I was outstanding at school today. Dad: Good to hear that. What did you do?Son: Our teacher caught me cheating on the quiz. She sent me out and ordered me to stand at the hallway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the first animal in space? The cow that jumped over the moon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom got upset at me for mercy killing my brother when we were playing Call of Duty I don’t understand He didn’t even struggle when I pressed the pillow over his face"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do mosquitoes and my job have in common? They both suck and annoy the ever living piss out of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A student is late for a zoom class... \"What took you so long?\" the teacher asks.\"Technical difficulties\" the student answers.\"I've heard that excuse a hundred times, let me guess, your wifi didn't work?\"\"My clock\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do anti vaxxers kids have in common with Peter Pan? They never grow old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water? A basic bitch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the NRA file for bankruptcy? Because classes are being taught virtually"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With spring around the corner, Queen Elizabeth decided that the palace needed a bit of fresh air. Unfortunately, Prince Phillip began wafting out of a second story window"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brain is like a library of film facts that I barely even remember IMDumB"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only way to access the contents in a bottle... Is to decapitate it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles... In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy. They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't. The flight attendant said, \"Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tired traveler go to Romania? So he could Bucharest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to be alarming but, BEEP BEEP BEEP"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I turned to my wife last night I turned to my wife last night and said .......\"I'm into anal\".She gave me a look of despair, glared at me and then said \"Animal\".I just love it when we do the cryptic crossword together!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum. I think I have a percussion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baker have brown fingers? Because he kneaded a poo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project...... ...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus. They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars? Me: well of course I know him, he is me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is a pain in the arse, but I'll always buy her flowers. Fucks with her hay-fever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions? Peripheral Vision#"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder? Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero? Because he was born with a sense of porpoise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the cannibal who had problems with eating brains? The others gave him a hand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Jack Frost get to work? By icicles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My top 5 favourite vegetables 1. Tomato2. Lettuce"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother was extremely anti-Union. She always used to tell me that things “won’t get better if I picket”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a witch's motorcycle make? BROOM, BROOOOOM!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of murderer has moral fiber? A cereal killer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called? 'American'.Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy who jumps off the 3rd floor balcony into the pool and misses? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Right before surgery the surgeon says: \"Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic.\" The patient replies: \"But, Doctor, my name is not Jim.\" The surgeon says: \"I know. I'm Jim.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vincent Price is taller than Alan Price, who is heavier than Katie Price As I discovered on this Price comparison website"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate five alarm chili last night... ...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Swan symbolizes happiness, then what bird symbolizes True Love? The Swallow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller \"I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?\" \"Olga,\" replies the terrified teller.  \"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga\"  Turns to a 6'4'' security guard  \"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?\"  Guard: \"My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the colors green, pink, and yellow have in common? The phone rings green....green.....green! So you pink it up and say yellow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two atoms are talking and one says \"I think I lost an electron.\" The other atom says \"Are you sure?\" The first atom replys \"Yes, I'm positive!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is \"R\" only a pirate's second favorite letter? Because their first love is the C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it? Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best time of day? 6:30, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You're a sandwich!'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was the handsome runner described? \"Dashing.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Barnyard antijokes, written by an AI Q: What's the difference between a horse and a duck? A: A horse has legs but a duck has feathers. Q: Why do elephants play hide-and-seek? A: They don’t have to worry about winning. Q: How much is a cow worth? Answer: 100 Pounds. Q: ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tennis ball walked into a bar It was served right away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a chicken salad this morning. The stupid thing won't even eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it... The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, \"Is that poop in your hand?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you attach stew to a blimp? Soup rise!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I was all dressed in latex whipping my slave when they kept on yelling someone else's safe word. Then I realized this was my Wednesday appointment and not my Thursday appointment. Whoops, wrong sub."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave? Plot twist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic. And as far as I know,  he still is !!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop looking for the perfect match… use a lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy whose New Year’s resolution was to flip over an electric car while test-driving it? He was turning over a new LEAF."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.The rabbit says “I have no idea, I’m only here because of autocorrect”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances. Epson didn't kill itself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume... Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was known as the cool guy until I started bringing drinks and food to parties. Now I'm the cooler guy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do I kill my family and strangers without committing a crime? Vax evasion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new disease in France turns people into bread. French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world. It's a paindemic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a sideways toaster next to my name, Reddit you know what to do"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once read a laxative horror story... It scared the shit out of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex used to hit me with musical instruments I didn't know that she had a history of violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want to know how often i say element jokes? Periodically."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the police do if you steal soup? They arrestew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy with copper wire? Apparently he got arrested for misconduct."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak? Flaming yawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife can't figure out why my pet anaconda won't eat Bratwurst a la cart I told her that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the secret chord that David played to please the Lord? G sus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said \"I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?\" I said \"Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette"}
{"character": "random", "line": "August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a \"mystery object\" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. \"Not at all\", I replied. \"What are the odds of both of us being killers?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Muslim youth the best at dealing with pandemics? Because as a Quran-Teen, you always keep Allah by your self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables. The maître d' says \"I'll let ya in, but don't start anything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Dirty) The cavalry were riding through the plains with their Native American guide. The Indian gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground. He looks up at the captain and says \" Buffalo come \" . The captain is astounded and asks \" Can you really hear buffalo from here? The Indian replies \"NO, side of face all sticky!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business. I Am Grout"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet? I come in pieces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider. They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks \"Are you sure?\"It replys \"I'm positive.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days. Britches be crazy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a religious rabbit? A pray animal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer... I guess she'll have to flip a coin....Heads or Tales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The government have extended the lockdown period for anyone that drives.. Car owner virus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last week, I met a Genie who said he’d grant me one wish, I only had 3 choices:First was a better memory. Second was a larger penis. Third was… well I can’t remember what the third choice was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 buzzfeed writers walked into a bar What happened next will blow your minds!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ban weapons of mass dyslexia! Before they start an unclear war."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know about the World Health Organization? Me : WHO?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beware of bards during floods. They're known for luteing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend) The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.AV famously stated, \"Um.. err.. I ca..\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your in a cucumber right now. The longer you wait, the more of a pickle its going to be."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Southern santa be like, Goodnight to y'all, and to y'all a good night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches call their garage? A broom closet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants? A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$ I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.I thought \"well, I can't turn that down\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What room do ghosts avoid? The living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but my wife hasn’t won argument with me since... 14-December-2020"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball? Because they’re fucking dead"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're ever being chased by a bear or a cougar, quickly lay on the ground for 5 seconds. Have you ever heard of the 5 second rule?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sports channel does Lando Calrissian watch? BESPN"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus(Full Disclosure: I'm showing Jurassic Park to my kids for the first time)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: -\tJane ate her friend’s sandwich.-\t-\t-\tJane ate her friend’s colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example: \"Fishing stick\" instead of \"Fishing rod\"\"Tropical tree\" instead of \"Palm tree\"\"Ant-licker\" instead of \"Uncle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Before our night out, my wife said that she didn't want me to get dressed up. No point arguing with her.So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What can solve over population and world hunger at the same time? Cannibalism"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish no good at tennis? They don’t like getting close to nets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future. The Man Delorean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through They use the same idea to make mobile game ads"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian To show up at my funeral in black suits and say  \"thank you boss\", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off... But that made him a little more sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbist just  showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my parents might be meth heads. The tooth fairy keeps taking my money and leaving behind teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was Lawrence Welk's favorite mountain range? The Polkanos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Soaking a twig in coke is nice, but soaking a twig in fanta... Fanta stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the detective excited when he found a thimble sized crown? He was looking for Finger Prince.(Say it out loud if you don't get it.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked \" are you alright, sir ?\" Sean : \"it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, \"What's happening!?\" \"The big bad wolf!\" a goat shouted. \"Is meditating!\"\"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.\"Noooo!\" the goat bleated. \"It's become aware wolf!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: \"take me to your leader\". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship..... \"Where are you going?!  Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!\" calls a Senator.  \"You are right!\" responds the alien. \"See you on Thursday!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Me: What’s a pirates favorite letter?Unwitting person just living their life: R?Me: R’s what you’d think but it’s the C they love!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "to prevent theft, the declaration of independence is now locked in a nicolas cage"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted... \"No!\" She said. \"Holding hands will be just fine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customer: One box of condoms, please. Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus taxCustomer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting \"How the hell am I misspelling color\"? A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying \"that sounds like a you problem\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret. It tanked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day, I was taking a selfie with a bear in the forest. An old man yelled at me 'what is this nonsense?'. I apologised, 'Bear with me'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid. Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Valentine night for Men. I have booked a dim lit table for two tonight for me and the Wife.I just hope the fuck she likes Snooker...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they make polygons wear on probation? an angle monitor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is yellow and climbs trees? A banana stuck in Tarzan's arse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent 20 years searching for a genie’s lamb, but to no avail I fear I shall never cure my dyslexia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant. She has the worst stutter ever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a trip to South Africa and met a Khoisan woman. We really clicked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my brother have quite the connection together We're siamese twinsNote: I am actually not a siamese twin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a joke once about jumping off a building It sorta fell flat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found my wife in bed with a judge. The judge said, \" It's not what it looks like!\" To which I replied, \"your honor!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys. My personal favorite is the toaster"}
{"character": "random", "line": "phone call Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I  said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think  so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d make a joke about Article 13, but... *This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You were expecting perfume... But it was me, Deo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm like a 89° angle I'm almost normal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see son, grilling a good steak is a lot like you mom... Once it starts bleeding, it's time to flip her over to the brown side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street - then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the mail person delivery any envelopes? They were stationary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it's not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a big fan of air conditioning Especially if the air is trying to be rebellious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication It's for Hispanic attacks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s strange disliking Chinese food while having an Asian Fetish I’d like to eat out Chinese but I hate eating out Chinese"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack? Because it's assault."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabba Ghoul"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common? The whites are useless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle I rode on, ruthlessly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Friend Asked Me to Stop Singing “I’m a Believer”. I Thought She Was Joking... But then I saw her face"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys are playing cards in a nursing home when a naked old lady with a walker goes streaking One guy says, “what was that?”The other guy responds, “I don’t know, but it needed ironing!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are\" Ok. BTW what's my last name?\"Scissorhands\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked in on my boss masturbating the other day. He told me to quit masturbating and get the hell out of his office."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I must congratulate my Niece. She has just passed he mouth Organ test.Well done our Monica....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The way I combed my hair in 7th grade is the worst part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am in the process of writing a big research paper on hurricanes. The first draft really blew me away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a single piece of Tortellini called? Tortaloni"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round... It’s fucked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do I always bring 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing? Because I always get a hole in one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said \"I want you to try to sell this to me.\" So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.Eventually he called me and said \"Bring my laptop back here right now!\"I said \"$200 and it's yours.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my grandfather In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pillow warmer is a stupid idea… Use your head!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, \"Don't do it!\" He said, \"Nobody loves me.\" \"God loves you. Do you believe in God?\"\"Yes.\"\"Are you a Christian or a Jew?\"\"A Christian.\"\"Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?\"\"Protestant.\"\"Me, too! What franchise?\"\"Baptist.\"... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, \"I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!\" The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, \"I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently learned sign language So I can tell jokes people has never heard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.  Turns out it was a rubbish tip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Biology Joke Biology teacher:\nCan anyone name a disease?\n\nStudent:\nI can sir.\n\nTeacher:\nWell done. Whose next?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ocean roar? Wouldn't you if there are crabs underneath?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my family is finally catching on to me telling jokes in sign language... They've been standing further away, so I can't hit them with the punch line anymore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Jockey that got fired for not pay attention to his job? Everyone got tired of his horsing around!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why? I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When lawyers go fishing, why do they throw back the sharks? Professional curteousy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What device is best to measure a mother's temperature? A ther-mom-meterFrom my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting in a bar one day and two women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, \"Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?\" One of them snarled at me, \"It's Wales, dumbo!\" So I corrected myself, \"Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?\" That's about as far as I remember."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My university is so concerned about the environment.. They've been recycling past papers since 87'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I shocked myself on the power outlet today It doesn't feel good. It hertz"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It’s a huge act, man.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called? VAChina."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?\" \"It's Amy, Mario.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "hard to find coins, hard to find killer... A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do baby ghosts go when their parents are at work? To day-scare!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit? Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Water is heavier than butane because... Butane is a lighter fluid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to break it to my luggage that there'd be no vacation this year ... ... and now I have to deal with a lot of emotional baggage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned over and whispered, \"They're right behind you. . .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it? Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, \"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It's 'may.' Student: No, it's January."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"What's your name, son?\" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, \"D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.\" \"Do you have a stutter?\" the principal asked. The student answered, \"No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If there's one thing that always makes me throw up...It's a dart board on the ceiling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two eggs in the fridge are talking The first one says: dude, you could have shaved. The other one answers: I am a kiwi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my mother in law \"When war comes, I'll just be eating human flesh as well\". \"You shitting me?!\" She asked. \"Maybe.\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does superman wear tight shirt? Because it's sized \"S\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two criminals stole a calendar They got six months each"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally figured out where that \"programmers live in basements\" myth comes from! It's because they prefer to work in a non-Windows environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform? in the audit-orium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote a reference letter while high on cannabis I highly recommended him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone. Client: Over my dead body!Headstone Designer: Yes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was U2's bass player in their early days One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons? One is eight nights while the other ate knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day It's my Pie DayPie Day's over, get out of my house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6yo told me a dad joke: What kind of key has no lock? A turkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The elements decided to make a band. They called themselves \"Earth, Fire and Ice\" \"What happened to Air?\"\"He kept blowing them off\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was passing gym class with flying colors until we got to the skiing unit. It was downhill from there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women talk less in february? Cause there's only 28 days"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, can I take that pamphlet?? Brochure!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a hyena's favorite cookie? Snickerdoodle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the city, you ignore sirens and listen for gunshots. In the country, you ignore gunshots and listen for sirens. In Detroit, you ignore both."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”. I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the jelly cross the road? to create a traffic jam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays? A one that died on Thursday..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. \"What're you doing?\" asks the Principal. \"Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like.\" I said. \"You cant leave this stuff laying here.\" He says. So I say \"Why...\" It's just clique bate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically. There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...Judge Jew D."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house? To please their steakholders"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Hurricane Dorian becomes a major hurricane... Will it be called Hurricane Mixolydian?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost's girlfriend break up with him? She found out about his side boos!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scotland know the right way to deal with corona virus... They’ve gone into full loch down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I received a letter from my opticians, but I’m concerned about their printer.... Either it’s failing or they used a blurry font. So weird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards They must have thought I was a taroist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandson asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone. When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A turtle walked in a restaurant but the owner grabbed it and threw it out. It came back 5 months later and yelled: get your hands off me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series. 108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a British rockstar’s favorite meal? Head bangers and mosh pit-tatoes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree. My car was totaled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a 300 pounds gorilla sit? Where he wants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ruth is the only person that i show mercy to If i didn't have her, I'd be completely Ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says \"Fuck off you won't bring it back\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift. He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory. Said the snooker teacher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A childhood classic my dad used to tell me: Q. Why was a frog flying?A. Because he ate a helium baloon.Q. Then why was a snake flying?A. Because it ate the flying frog.Q. Then why was the eagle flying?A. Because it has wings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw two guys walking together with matching outfits at the mall, so I asked them if they were gay. They arrested me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My resolution for this upcoming year is likely going to be the same as this year. My computer wouldn't run games well at 4k anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whaddya use to decide whether to host a Star Trek poetry event? A list of prose in Khans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said 'You stay here, i'll go on a head'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust anything balloons say? They're full of hot air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only weakness Superman has on the internet is.. krypto-currency"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the magical gorilla taking ceramics class at Hogwarts? It's a Hairy Potter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you guys tried lighting pure oxygen on fire? You'll have a blast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man orders soup at a restaurant. The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:-Is there anything wrong sir?-No just taste it.-I can change it for you-I want you to taste it!-But..-Do it!-Ok, where's the spoon?-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team? She swallowed a fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody asked if I like potato skins. It was a loaded question!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a hand and a frying pan? In the frying pan, the meat shrinks. In the hand, the meat grows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur that teaches preschool? A Montessaurus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was digging in the front garden when my neighbor saw me struggling with the shovel and came over to help with a rotortiller. A couple minutes later the other neighbor brought his garden tractor, and the guy down the street show up with a backhoe... Well that excavated quickly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and the nerdiest virgin you have ever seen? Alien vs Redditor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach? it's not hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when my mom grills brats for dinner She’s the würst"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a policeman say \"I'll never forget nine eleven\" And I thought \"Well, duh, that's your phone number\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew.. Come together, right now... over Smee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was in court with the ex wife over who'd get the kids in the divorce, she told the judge about the time I flew into a rage a threw an enitre trifle at her So of course she got custardy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file. I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a muscular snowman? Jacked Frost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Feudal Japan, there was a system that determined who sat in the highly favored front position of carts. You had to call Shogun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Pan would make a great comedian His jokes would never get old"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application. First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .And now they want me to choose who i want to race with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that my sister is dating the teacher. I could hear them making out in the closet yesterday Homeschooling is weird"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge: \"How do you explain your actions?\" \"Basic math. 2 times 9 equals 18\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.He said: “Me? How?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a vampire that drinks blood between meals? snackula"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not saying my local pub is rough.. but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying policeman? A helicopper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between the Japanese precision aerobatic team, and the Rockettes? The Japanese precision aerobatic team are known for their cunning stunts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock. Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :( I can't get any, anywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor says to a lawyer \"There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork\" The lawyer responds \"And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a French baker say when they made a mistake? Oh crepe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, everyone's ignoring me! \"Sharon, please send in my next patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend came back from vacation with long hair... ... and I wanted to make a joke about it, but I couldn't *comb* up with one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I went to the doctor... She asked \"What brings you here today?\"I replied \"My car.\"And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: \"Not sexually active.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ape who has a fondness for brass woodwind instruments? A Saxquatch"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do an internet junkie on dialup and an F18 pilot have in common? Both break out in cold sweat when their screen show NO CARRIER."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lion would never play golf But a Tiger Wood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does two rice grains in the sink mean? Some Somalian has been up all night puking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lion offspring asked his dad \"What is a world series?\" \"I don't expect you to understand son, you are just a Cub\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?  or ? ... or ?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Judge Dredd arrested? He broke his arm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew... Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Prof to the student: Did you study geography? Student: Yes sir.    Prof: so, tell me, where is Kentucky?    Student: At page 35 prof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore? Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a lumberjack, I know that I've cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the stork do once he's delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son tells his father, \"I have an imaginary girlfriend.\" The father sighs and says, \"You know, you could do better.\" \"Thanks Dad,\" the son says. \"That means a lot.\" The father shakes his head and goes, \"I was talking to your girlfriend.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, \"I'm sorry, but you only have ten left.\" The patient asks him, \"Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?\" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, \"Nine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a red onion and a brown onion? About 50 cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman pulled me over. \"Sir, were you drunk driving?\" he asked me.\"No,\" I slurred.\"I'm going to need to step out of your vehicle immediately,\" he stated.I laughed. \"You're a moron!\"  \"I'm a moron, am I? How so?\"  \"You think this is my car.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a judge preferred breakfast? Oathmeal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time is like a mountain It is very difficult to budget"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you cross a troll bridge in Middle Earth? You use J.R.R. tokens...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know it's way too soon, but... How many times did Tiger's SUV roll? FOUR!!!I'm going to Hell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could never work at a Subway… Couldn’t work at a place where’s its “appropriate” for someone to walk in and ask for a 6 inch Italian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shovels are incredible They're ground-breaking technology!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field? F-owl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex after a blow up is meant to be the best... ... but I'm always out of breath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just had an idea for lawyer porn... I call it \"getting off on technicalities.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a triangle that's had too much to drink? A rekt angle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Chinese restaurant that got destroyed? Biggest case of Wanton destruction I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case. Turns out it was just a sham."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound My friend looked up and said \"holy cow\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test? With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole, But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me what time my dentist appointment is “Tooth hurty”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Russian Nesting Dolls They’re so full of themselves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's my cake day or something, Here's a dad joke :) A blind man walks into a bar,  And then a table,  And then a chair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain.And the woman says, \"Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself. The man replies, \"if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality. \"Hi, so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality, I'm dad.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an explosives specialist from Oklahoma? OK boomer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a blond laugh on monday? Tell her a joke on tuesday"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently my family is racist I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My idea of holding a summer vacation school to help kids with severe ADHD failed. Do you think it's because I called it a \"Concentration Camp?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot. Hitler wore brown pants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bike tire salesman? A spokesperson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were walking home from dinner when we came across 6 men beating up my mother-in-law. My wife asked, \"Aren't you going to help?\"I said, \"No, 6 should be enough.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Humans only use 10% of their brain.\" Or at least the ones that still quote this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me I said I never met herbivore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell old dad jokes to my kids. What do you call a fish with no eyes?    Fshhhhhh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cake joke for cake day: What did the cake say to the fork? Do you want a piece of me?!Happy cake day to me :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought “I can’t turn that down”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to love hearing people make Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember the undies with the days of the week on them, Monday, Tuesday....? In Romania we had something similar, our girls on their undies had January, February...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a detective without his intestines? No Shit Sherlock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Detroit Lions announced that they’re releasing their running back, Kerryon Johnson. Needless to say, he will not Kerryon with the team."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many Chinese restaurants have names like, Golden Palace, Golden Lotus, Golden Dragon... But mine is named after my favourite dish, Golden Retriever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Americas covid numbers are only because the population is so dense There are also a lot of people in certain locations"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.) But she has a  friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her \"You're an exception. You can come any time in November.\" So I said \"Very poor choice of words.\" and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter? A Brazilian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ellen has so much bad press about how entitled she is That the network is renaming her program The Karen Show."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an impotent baseball player? Two balls and a strike."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did ancient Grecians get memorialized? They had to urn it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum? It was just collecting dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called Robinhood customer support to ask what I should do with my GME shares. They said: “PLEASE HOLD.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds... Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In space, two aliens are talking to each other. The first alien says, \"The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.\"The second alien asks, \"Are they an emerging intelligence?\"The first alien says, \"I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a laundromat a bad place to pick up women? Because if she can't afford a washer and dryer, she will never be able to support your broke ass..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey Girl, you know why they call me the Mechanical Bull? Because riding me is a very uncomfortable and likely short experience."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was laid off due to COVID, so I took a job at an origami factory Unfortunately it folded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vegans don't beat their meat They jerk their vegetable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've started selling tiny notebooks The margins are pretty tight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out He radios his boss \"Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it\"His boss replies \"Is it ticking?\"\"No, it's turkey and ham.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished building an Ikea shelf. I'm going to name it Joe. It's a bit shakey and leans slightly to the left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never fight a dinosaur? You'll get jurasskicked!*Sorry if its lame but my niece just told it and i fell laughing*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fisherman say when he turned 80? Eyeee matey!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway.... ....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is Betty White"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles? At the Bustacean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom. IPA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never trusted tectonic plates They’re too shifty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I stood infront of the mirror, combing my hair to one side, I couldn't help but shed a tear. Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree. My car was totaled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re traveling along the Oregon trail and you meet a man named Terry. One of your party members says, “I thought Terry was a woman’s name.”That party member immediately dies.What did they die from? Dysentery"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, \"wanna hear a joke?\" The second dog says \"sure!\" The first dog says \"knock knock.\" The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire... She screamed, \"What the hell is this?\" I replied \"Net flicks and chill.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boss give the hovercraft a promotion? Because he works tirelessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During an argument with her husband, a wife was just about to calm down. But then her husband asked her to calm down..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some pantyhose but they kept telling me climate change wasn't real I should have checked the Denier rating"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do baby cows eat dinner? **In a calfeteria.**  (Told to me by my 5 year old granddaughter)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Earth once It was dirt cheap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This just in: A Burger King employee in Kalispell, Montana was arrested today after being caught putting vodka in the orange Hi-C. Local police say it was the first reported case of a Flathead screwdriver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Internet Explorer is so slow in catching up that... Microsoft Edge had to go back in time to tell Internet Explorer that it has been replaced"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A monkey asks another monkey - What are you doing?- Eating a banana.- But why is it brown?- Because I'm eating it the second time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words. Defeet hurts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals. But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the family who hired a moving van to move their other, smaller moving van? Yeah. There's a lot to unpack there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "President Trump has refused to release the full report proving claims that Iran is developing a fighting force of flying dinosaurs. He’s released a version of the report but It’s been pterodacted"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drinking in IT terms 1 shot= Demo  2 shots= Trial version  5 shots= Personal edition  Half a bottle= Professional Edition  Full bottle= Network Edition  Two bottles= Small Business Edition  Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition  Whole case= C... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad gave up his job of being a late night radio DJ. He took up a new job as a railway construction worker. Talk about a career change, but I guess he just couldn’t give up his love for laying tracks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes? A warthog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year my News Year’s resolution was to solve world hunger. My first step is to feed all the homeless to bears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the goat say when it walked across the street? Baaah"}
{"character": "random", "line": "20 minutes into Disney+ and chill... and I've already got a friend in me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly \"A man who lays with another man should be stoned\"Edit : Thanks for the silver kind strangers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've started selling tiny notebooks The margins are pretty tight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw my dwarf neighbor this morning standing at the bus stop.. So I stopped and said \"jump in I will give you a lift\". \"Fuck off!!\" he screamed at me. I thought to myself \"what an ungrateful person \" So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Found a human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised.... ... I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice... The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mountain of cats? Meow-tain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kids that won't nap are guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They're always hogging the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-naaaa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did everyone enjoy being around the volcano? It's just so lava-ble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework. He comes upon a question: \"What separates the head from the body?\"Ahmed answers: \"The axe\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new Rolls Royce I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver.So I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a chihuahua that plays baseball? a lil pitchy dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel. “$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job”, says the man. His friend asks “How much for the pussy?”.“Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan... ...someone is going to be wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick... She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was U2's bass player in their early days One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74 Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've had some pain in my stomach ever since I ate those Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys CDs. I think I've got indiegestion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lumberjack went in to a magic forest in Canada to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!\" The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience? A reddit mod.(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about free healthcare? Oh, your American? Never mind , you wouldn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a customer that he reminded me of my father. He says to me \"Oh wow, he must be quite a nice guy!\"I told him \"No, he's an asshole.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do dyslexic rabbits pass the time? They buck like funnies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just farted on my wallet Now I have Gas Money! *Told to me by my 9 year old daughter,  who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea? Supreme Liter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I Learned  Monaco schools study the map of the city in geography lessons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!! That's the trouble with the news today, its all sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just the one, because they are very efficient and they don't have a sense of humour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What resolution do white supremacists prefer? 3K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken. Since then, the steaks have never been higher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you would have told me on Nov. 10 2016 that the Trump presidency would end with the economy failing and the country dying.. I would have totally believed you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the Netherlands imports all oatmeal to avoid copyright laws? Because if they produced locally they would be making Holland Oats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker? If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day the amount of plastic in the ocean will be irreversible, That will be the last straw"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you? on Oni Fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde goes to the doctor and says \"I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina\" The doctor takes a look and says \"Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter: Most Honorable Sir,You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.No fee,Chen Lee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Santa put his sleigh in reverse in mid-air? He wanted to back up to the cloud!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fire alarms should just play Nickelback Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess It's the first time my house ever got a treesome"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is. One student raises his hand and says. “That’s a dick ma’am”The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.A few minutes later, the principal walks in.“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and smells like bacon? Kermits finger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country? He was Snowden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many lawyers do you need to change a lightbulb? Three.One to climb the ladder, another one to shake it, and a third one to sue the manufacturer of the ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Alphabet Soup? More like Times New Ramen, amirite?(Not OC, but one of my favorite one-liners and haven’t seen it posted in this sub)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eric the Red's brother, Rudolf, was home gazing out his window. He says to his wife: Looks bad out there. Looks like rain.\"Rudolf's wife responds: \"Are you sure dear?\"Rudolf answers back: \"Trust me. Rudolf the Red knows rain dear.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't birds live in caves? It would be to much of a bird den."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once.... It wasn't right, man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Survival tip! When ever my son goes snowboarding, I make him stuff hotbdogs in his pockets...So the rescue dogs will find him first!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do? Uh, reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?” Me: “Guess”Waiter: “Medium rare?”Me: “Well done”Waiter: “Uhhh..”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to climb up some house plans. My dad yelled, “get down from there” “Those plans are not to scale!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating. But I’ll wait until tomorrow to start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would bears be without the letter B? Ears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Phoebe: \"Do you guys know any chicks?\" Chandler: \"Fowl? No. Women? No.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an egg roll? Just give it a little push."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What if there were no hypothetical questions?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would bears be without the letter B? Ears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young mosquito returned to its mother. How was your flight dear? asked mom.It was great mom, everyone clapped for me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I get very angry or if I hurt my self, I shout out the sounds of migratory birds... ...which usually leaves me apologizing to someone for using fowl language."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandma: You can be anything you set your mind to! Me: I know.Grandma: You can even be a know-it-all.Me: I know.(This is actually a family story, something I actually said when I was little. Thought it may make a funny joke/story here, too.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an anti-aircraft gun that shoots high-quality digital audio files? A .flac gun"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the Vegan Crossfitter who saw Hamilton live on Broadway with the original cast? He didn't know which one to talk about first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Warning. Don't let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.And came home with two cases of beer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about those ISIS tunnels in Afghanistan? [removed]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a skeleton's favorite wind instrument? Nothing, because they don't have lungs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "phone call Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I  said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think  so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got really sick at the gate to my plane and a nearby doctor had to come over and check me out He gave me a terminal diagnosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave. It’s “The Cologne Wars.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun. Almost as big as your mom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the person who makes orthopedic foot braces? A hobbler"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Vaginas were talking and the first one said: “Did you hear that asshole? He said ‘two in the pink and one in the stink’ is favoritism”, and the other one replied: “They hate us cuz they anus”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial? Because it was in your mom's browser history.Ok, thank you dad.No problem,"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really don't get all the love for the HP books... I've read them multiple times, but still my printer won't fucking work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house I am home, but he was Homer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How will the Judicial System improve? By Trial and error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had me a Barack Obama valentines day. Obama self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins. It just doesn't make cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? It\"s called Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies? Twobearculosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life. Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I walk through the cemetery I text my x. Wish you were here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt. That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it super hard to sneak up on a hurricane? Because they’re always turning around. Be safe with Florence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the farmer that called his herd of pigs and ended up being trampled? Was the first report of sooey-cide in the whole state."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather is really upset at the new stair chair lift he got for his house. He said, “It’s driving me up the fucking wall.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where to go for a city break in the south of France? Let's go somewhere Nice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit. That's why it's called Colonization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry It has its prose and its Khans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang? he was ostrich-sized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am thinking of making a cover band of Beatles without the drums. I would name it The Beatles with an extra 's'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts? BoOoOoOoOobs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Khardasian was OJ Simpson's lawyer And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point. She was shocked I wasn’t a period."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy. One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow.  The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you seen the floods in Paris? It's inseine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m financially set for life ...providing I die next Monday"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Virgin Boyfriend and girl  had first sexIt was wild and passionate After sex boyfriend said :B: If a knew you where a virgin I would have waited more G: If I knew you would wait I would have taken my pantyhose off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not a big fan of people who don't like Peanut Butter Cups I find them to be reesist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres. Person: <signing> How so?Me: <signing> You see what I mean?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d love to post a joke like the ones I see trending every day and I think I could do it. If I can only find an old enough joke book.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, \"Don't worry, it'll grow on you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a gross pig and a wizard have in common? Hogwarts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, “Too soon.” It was September 10th."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife to hurry up and get off of her period. So she can get on my exclamation mark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine my shock when I got home to find my husband had replaced his feet with wheels and was wearing a funnel on his head. I'd never even suspected he was a trainsvestite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. \"Boss,\" he said, \"the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!\"\"That's fine,\" said the boss, \"but where were you yesterday?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blind man walks into a bank. He puts on a mask, and pulls out a pistol. He yells, \"GIVE ME ALL THE GOODS! NOW!\" A teller breaks the silence by saying \"Sir... This is a sperm bank.\"The blind man yells in response, \"DID I STUTTER?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's got 24 legs and flys? 12 pairs of jeans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the orange have so much trouble forming a rap duo? No one rhymes with orange."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crustHerpilations 4:20"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away Sounds far fetched"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad was driving a tourist bus filled with Japanese tourists in the 1990s. A robber came in and stole my dads cash register at one stop. Luckily the police got 500+ photos of the robber as an evidence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is working at McDonald’s like being an archaeologist in Athens? Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde walked in to a library -Hello! She saidDo you have any chicken sandwiches here?The librarian answered: im sorry this is a libraryThe blonde then whispered *do you have any chicken sandwiches?*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Idaho farmer plant when he was not sure if he was going sell the crop? Spectators."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So its pancake Tuesday today That surely crepe'd up on us"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Horrible Food My girlfriend use to give me a blowjob every morning and sex every night. Then she ate one food that cut our sex life 90%.Wedding Cake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I asked 100 random women what their favorite shampoo was and 99 of them had the same answer! \"Get the fuck out of my bathroom!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero? Because he was born with a sense of porpoise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson... Apparently it's called an \"Eye disection\" not \"Eye digestion\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump hears Obama got a smaller crowd than him \"Really? What was he doing?\" Trump asks gleefully\"Ordering breakfast at McDonalds drive thru.\" His aide said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor I’ll post it soon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. \"Is everything okay, pal?\" the bartender asks. \"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, \"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?\"\"Yeah. But today is the last day...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bird that does drugs? On quack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady goes into a butcher shop A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.The butcher says \"I get off at 6.\"The lady says \"I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a linguist, \"I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?\" \"For starters,\" she said, \"the h is silent.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like playing squash The ants hate it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "why is japans population so old? the last time they had a little boy it didnt go so well"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who got only one visitor his entire life, got banished from the family and still lurks around with hope? Pluto."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The gorilla at the zoo likes to get deals at Amazon. He's a Primeate"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A body has been found at Real Madrid manager Zinedine Zidane's house, in what seems to have been a brutal attack. Police are saying it's murder on Zidane's floor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said \"Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?\" She responded \"That's because it's an Evian\"Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man talking to his Wife. Husband: Babe Do you believe in Heaven.?Wife: Yeah, why.?Husband: When we die, would you like to meet up with me in Heaven.?Wife: Fuck off, the deal was until death do us part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a ghost say when he doesn’t believe you? Ghoulshit!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mary had a little lamb. The event made medical history."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students, Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet.... After six weeks, that pony really began to reek...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It dawned on me in the shower that my ex gf must be related to hurricane Dorian. You've been waiting for them to come but they just keep gyrating until they exhaust themselves. The worst though is when you see the video of them ravaging and gushing all over their previous fling, leaving you feeling completely inadequate and devastated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is there never a food shortage on the planet of Tatooine? Because of the abundance of sand which is there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle I donut care for them anymore though"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better... Thank God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shopping for Melons My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was \"melons\". I guess it was the honey dew list."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure. Divorce."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan? weird flecks, but okay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chicken soup is healthy for you. As long as you’re not the chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum. I think I have a percussion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yeah man, I tell ya what, man, that dang ol’ internet, man, you just go in on there and point and click, talk about w-w-dot-w-com, mean you got the naked chicks on there, man, just go click, click, click, click, click, it’s real easy, man. OK, Boomhauer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the opposite of artificial intelligence? Natural stupidity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I'll call you later.\" \"Don't call me later, call me Dad.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the dog stealing shingles? He wanted to become a *woofer*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists are making a big show about this new crop of Okra they engineered to not give you gas... It's called Okra Windfrey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..... They got excited and asked if I can drive a truck!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor says that each cigarette I smoke takes 9 minutes off of my life. Based on that math, I should've died in 1987."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are increasing amounts of obese people each year I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't believe my literature teacher is forcing me to read and analyze one of George Orwell's books. It's literally 1984."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do sport fans eat from? a SOUPer bowl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does superman wear tight shirt? Because it's sized \"S\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my daughter to the park yesterday. Everything was going fine until we got to one particular ride. First she happy, then she was sad, then she was unbelievably angry... Those were some crazy mood swings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know why six is afraid of seven, but the real question is, what did zero say to eight? Hey, nice belt!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the shoemaker reward his employees? With sock options."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two women met in a cafe for their weekly chitchat \"My husband brought me 20 roses yesterday for our anniversay. Bet now he expects that  I spread my legs for 2 weeks\"\"Why that? Don't you have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dinner So, I’m having dinner with my Uncle at this chic restaurant. As he closed the menu shut, he says to the waitstaff “I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is working at McDonald’s like being an archaeologist in Athens? Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Isis use to clean its plates? A Daeshwasher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dataminer? Thats illegal They are too young to date"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better? Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.Because then he'll get a  better taste in music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't rabbits make noise when they're having sex? Cotton balls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself... Now there's someone who could use a good paddle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server? That would be Hillaryous.Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Size difference Q: What's smaller than a teeny weeny Ant?.................A: An Ant's teeny weeny!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really self-conscious about how thick her eyebrows are I told her she's crazy; most women would kill for *half* her eyebrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned, when someone says ' take my breath away ' they... don't mean their asthma pump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists. Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, \"Windy ain't it?\"Bob says, \"Nah, it's Thursday.\"Vick says, \"Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area. This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's my cake day or something, Here's a dad joke :) A blind man walks into a bar,  And then a table,  And then a chair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord. The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found. He was hiding on a navel base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Invest on perfume businesses It just makes scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"shark infested water\" You mean their home?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Longest Drum Solo The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my Kentucky raised girlfriend her family tree doesn't fork... ...it spoons.  She did not find it humorous"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was? It looks like rain, dear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You hear about the new drink called The Hurricane Dorian? It's just a watered down Bahama Mama.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man sent love letters to his crush for years, and even one day wrote, that he was going to be visiting her house, when he showed up, she asked “who are you” The man should have considered that he was a doctor and all she knew was his handwriting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John was the best liver surgeon in his hospital. I guess you could say he always de-livered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do programmers wear to an event? Whatever is in the dress code."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rick Astley doesn't mind lending out his Disney movies... But he's never gonna give you Up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call british womans periods? Bloody hell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Windows software so predictable? You can see right through it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate spelling errors You mix up two letters and your whole one liner is urined."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The director of the sperm bank summoned the blonde receptionist. \\-It's nice that you're polite to people who drop by here, he began, -but when they're on their way out again, I think you should say something other than, -\"Thank you for coming!\"-"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, \"Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?\" He confided in me... \"Because they make the toys.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don't forget the pickle. It's kind of a big dill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pam: \"We're hoping our interview seals the deal.\" Jim: \"If not, there's always the army...the infantry.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a Get Well Soon card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jenny: wow, Mr. Daniels, you must be old enough to have known Moses! Mr. Daniels: No, Jenny, I am not! It wasn't funny when Ben Franklin said it, and it's not funny when you say it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does an old timey 1930s era gangster threaten a jelly fish? \"You're see, through!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... \"I'm scared\" said the little girl.\"You're scared?!\" Said the man. \"At least you don't have to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Perks of being single and in locked down You don't have to share your coronavirus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who loves crocodiles? A crocophile.Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses in a Vase, Violets on a Shelf Jeffery Epstein did not kill himself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call owl poop? Owly shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake? Because he was already stuffed...Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a fire at the Goodwill yesterday A person died of second-hand smoke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Come in number 9, your time is up. Boss, we've only got 8 boats. Number 6, are you in trouble?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library? They use their Endor voices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the period of time between slipping on a banana and landing on your ass? A bananosecond."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did. All of mine sucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? He wanted tequila."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do metalheads like steam engines so much? They do a lot of chugging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust GameCube games... They're a little CD"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic? He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What element in the Periodic Table of Elements can you not take seriously? Silly-con!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sherlock opens a salon. Sherlock combs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do rabbits go after they get married? On a bunny-moon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish? A cool clux clam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today. I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, \"that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had one dollar for every time someone complained about how rich Jeff Bezos is I still wouldn’t be as rich as Jeff Bezos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It is hard to find a good book They are all under cover"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the biggest difference between a crayon and your ex? The crayon is non-toxic!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Galactic Empire, after the destruction of the Death Star, has taken to bowling during the interim. The Empire Strikes Back, they call it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baseball player worked part time at a bakery His boss told him \"Hey batter batter batter\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a store where you negotiate for off-the-book shrimp transactions? A Prawn Shop  (I know, I know, it's a dumb one but it made me laugh)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes... but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok. I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible. His last performance really brought down the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-o acid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a band of owls? The Hoo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a job at a factory that makes fire hydrants. They would not let me park my car there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They don't make forks like they used to. Modern plastic ware makes me miss the good old tines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a magic owl HoodiniSorry if somebody made this joke already"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1. It didn’t fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "- I saw two men beating my mother in law - and you didn’t do anything?- nah, 3 people would be too many"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll? Seasoning"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear all the Major League Baseball teams shut down? Apparently you can get COVID-19 from bats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water.... .....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase. I have too much shelf respect."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman goes to a butcher and says \"I'll take some pork chops and make them lean\"\"No problem\", the butcher replies. \"Which way\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's rated \"Arrrrrrr.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pillow warmer is a stupid idea… Use your head!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tomorrow's forecast is a high of 98 Degrees. I hate boy bands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead... \"Hail, Satan\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door. \"Lettuce in!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets are blue, If I looked like you, I'd be in a zoo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor is a cougar into BDSM You could say she is into strapping young lads."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do making love in a canoe and Michelob Ultra have in common? They are both fucking close to water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once attended a 50s music themed table tennis festival in a far east country, hosted by an Asian dictator where all the participants were dressed as famous movie gorillas... It was Kim Jongs Honk Kong Honky Tonk King Kong Ping Pong Ding DongI'll see myself out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship. We had a real row v. wade debate that day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who can talk to sneakers? He converses with them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a woman selling batteries in the park today.. She sells C-cells by the seesaw"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the Gold Coast called the Gold Coast? Because the country it's in is called *Au*stralia. If it were the Silver Coast, it'd be *Ag*stralia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby? A slow poke!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I filled out a form wrong and accidentally gave a patient a bag of the wrong blood type. It was a Type-O"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front The police will watch your house for free!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde goes to the doctor and says \"I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina\" The doctor takes a look and says \"Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a French man walking on the beach? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex? It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables? He staged a high coup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said to me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.” I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son's been really worried about his puppy's upset stomach, so in the night I let him into the garden for a shit. \"Why can't I just use the toilet?\" he always asks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Modern China's history isn't about what has happened It's about what hasn't happened"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My my wife said she was leaving me because of my wierd obsession with Marvel characters. I said, please Yondu that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. \"Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself! Ok soot yourself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Johnny turns up into his class one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher: \"Johnny, why weren't you at school yesterday?\"Johnny: \"Well Miss, my grandad got burnt.\"Teacher: \"Oh, he wasnt burnt too badly I hope?\"Johnny: \"Oh yes, Miss. They dont mess around at these crematoriums.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby in full plate armor? *Infantry*Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This season of Earth is not realistic So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?I'm feeling Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Took a job in a fertiliser factory... It's my first daytime job where they give me nitrates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was sentenced to death because be wouldn't stop banging on about the size of his testicles. He was publicly hung."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a proud American! I bleed red white and blue because I can’t afford to go to the hospital and find out what the hell is wrong with me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist... I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my sense of taste and think I have COVID!!!! Oh shit. It’s just Bud Light, I’m ok."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know facists love 25 of the 26 letters? Not \"z\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery... Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?  Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? Just ring up and say you can't cum!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I can see into the future Therapist: When did this start?Me: Next Monday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing. I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan Cast iron"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can be your own secret santa! All you need is ambien and amazon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn’t the NFL give Iowa a professional football team? Because then Minnesota would want one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money? Pennywise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just released a new book about Poltergeists... It's flying off the shelves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales? Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man named Albert Smith once wrote in a hotel visitors book his initials “A.S.” Somebody wrote underneath “two-thirds the truth”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when kids spell \"angel\" as \"angle\" They're just trying to be edgy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed. I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I figured out a way to play poker with Uno cards Total game changer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Dj Khaled, what are your thoughts on Palestinian rocket attacks?\" \"ANOTHER ONE!!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, 'Happy...,' and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, '...40-second birthday.' I was so proud."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does \"Rockin' Robin\" do when she's bored? Tweet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a serial killer who only kills priests on a Sunday morning. He's a Mass murderer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore? Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball... ...and rubbed them against the car door.Magically, it opened!!\"That's incredible!!\" the woman gasped. \"How did you do it?\"\"Easy...\" replied the soldier. \"These are my khakis.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them once the humidity level gets above 70%? It gets a bit muggy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do? \"Because fuck u that's why.\" -- George Washington, Revolutionary War"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why giraffes necks are so long? Because their heads are so far from their body"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just came home from my first paleontology party where we spent the night searching for the lower leg bone of a new dinosaur. It was quite the shin dig."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a drug dealing cow? A narcow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to, too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA... For my black jeep..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother has been staying with me for a couple weeks now, which has been awful. My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door...I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.”I said, “Get inside.”credit: Anthony Jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by... First taking the intestines out of the goat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend caught the bride's bouquet flower on the wedding We have to figure out how we continue dating if she gets married"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk. He was easily convicted.  There was concrete evidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Jersey cows are in a field under a tree. The 1st cow says to the 2nd “Hey George have you heard about mad cow disease? They say it makes us cows go crazy and then they fall over dead!\" George replies \"Well it's a damn good thing I‘m a helicopter!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. \"Who is it?\" She asked. The voice back replies \"It's the blind man, can I come in?\" The Nun thinks for a moment and says \"yes that's fine\". The door opens and the man says. Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which generation of Corvette was most likely to blow up? Probably the C4"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle and one snail turns to the other and says \"Hold on, friend. Here we go!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just this week an American astronaut voted from space... Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together. I said “let’s not get ahead of our shelves”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine a Crocodile and a Shitzu? A Crockashit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For All of my Fellow Bartenders... What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist ?A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one. It was a freebie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat? They’re always Russian or Dragging"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my doctor if he takes tips. He said I had mistaken him for a mohel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm going to start a foundation dedicated to helping people with obsessive behaviour. And call it Obsessive Disorders Control."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a drunken sailor? Hard to Port."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard you like tree puns... Willow Yule please tell me what kind Juniper Fir?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone! Eh?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the two biggest differences between an alligator and a crocodile? The spelling and pronunciation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the cross-dresser rob the bank? By making a Trans-action"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My resolution for this upcoming year is likely going to be the same as this year. My computer wouldn't run games well at 4k anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night. Lettuce be seen without dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when someone can’t stomach being around a person with less than 10-toes? Lack Toes Intolerant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something. Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apple finally enters the electric car market But their vehicles don’t come a charger and attempts to self service will render the vehicle immobilized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom. So I switched them out for red bull."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. My coworker makes pennies. We work at a mint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an element that always complains? a lament."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you turn 18 your body stops using your kidneys. And they start using their adult knees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man with authority walks into a bar.. He orders everyone a round."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ban weapons of mass dyslexia! Before they start an unclear war."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hurricane Harvey is no joke. https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793To find out how to help, follow the link above."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a black and white cow? Moo-latto"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self-driving cars will never work right. No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Quebec, Canada is currently experiencing record breaking flooding It's a good thing frogs can swim"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the opposite of artificial intelligence? Natural stupidity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a vampire's least favourite meal? Steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's your favourite Bad Dad Joke? Email us at info@thepresentfinder.co.uk and if you can make us giggle, we will pop a surprise present in the post for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state do crayons go to on vacation? Color-ado."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend loves to talk about their new skin lotion. He just keeps rubbing it in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people? You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hot blond is filling out a form. Where it says \"sex\" she put \"Infrequently\". The clerk asked her.... \"Is that one word or two?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles? Sandy Eggo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To be on the safe side What did the Caseys name their third boy, whom they had just to keep them company in the rare event that their first two children died young?.......Justin Casey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I turned to my wife last night I turned to my wife last night and said .......\"I'm into anal\".She gave me a look of despair, glared at me and then said \"Animal\".I just love it when we do the cryptic crossword together!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't there TVs in Afghanistan? Because of the Teliban."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan? Because there are already too many targets.  (credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had to call out of work because of pink eye This weed hit me like a brickwall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Celiac disease was discovered first in France They know that bread is pain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks... I asked my cat and she said, \"Meow\". No help.I asked my bird and he said, \"Tweet\". Useless.I asked my dog and they said \"Rhytidome, you buffoon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name \"boobies pics\" I never understood why bird watching was wrong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I caught a guy looking up children's skirts in the library. I never even knew they had a section for that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid Off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't the Government let chickens build their own houses? Because they'll make a coup.Original... hopefully"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer song writer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meat-ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think Lab Grown Meat sounds bad, ... You should try Pit-bull Grown Meat.  (Mine had sticks and cat-litter in it.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a woman wearing nothing but whipped cream covering her private parts? Chantilly clad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What color is the wind? Blew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition? He heard there would be Gary-oake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What flower did Luke have at his wedding? Dandelorians."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Jewish kids are fighting, one throws ash on the other. The other says:\"Don't get your parents involved\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I drank a bunch of colloidal silver over the last few years and it's got me depressed I'm feeling pretty blue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I was staying at my uncles... SO THIS IS A REAL STORYMy nephew, “mommy you’re kind of fat.”My uncle, “no she’s not son she’s just big boned.”My nephews expression immediately drops, “Daddy is she okay?”“Yeah why wouldn’t she be?”“Why do her bones jiggle?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was arrested for beating an unarmed black man to death He was charged with impersonating a police officer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man quit his job at the donut factory? He was fed up with the hole business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend played the cello and I loved it. But recently she gave up the cello and took up the violin, so I had to break up with her. Because I'm all about that bass, no treble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the ghost go to for his vacation? He went to Maliboo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Do you really have to lick the knife!?” she asked with a disapproving frown. “Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit.” I said, chuckling. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?!” “Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics... But then I came to my census"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are dumbasses. Use a pan,for God's sake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park. Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”Translation - “Big? Thanks!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the \"She sells sea shells\" tongue twister in a newer version The seller lives in Seychelles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think I made a mistake... ...when I bought all of those GameStop chairs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: \"Santa why do you have such a huge bag?\" Santa: \"Cos I Only come once a year\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you pass a biology test on excretion? Process of elimination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What drug do French people use to get high? Oui’d"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher asked me what steps to take in the event of a fire drill Apparently “fuckin’ large ones” was not the correct answer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is. I don’t get paid enough for this shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why firetrucks are red? Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 people. 4+8=12There are 12 inches in a rulerQueen Elizabeth is a rulerThere was a ship named Queen Elizabeth Ships sail on seasSeas have fishFish have finsPeople from Finland are Finns Finlan... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live. Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't basketball players go on vacation? They aren't allowed to travel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common? What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?They both want to get there before the hair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the hunter who got squashed by the dying elephant? He finally understood the gravity of his actions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex? It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do flamingoes life one leg up? If they lifted both they'd fall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof I was shocked!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor? Too Siri-ous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body. I gave her a shoulder to crayon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday Everything is buy one, get achoo free"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dunno why people say hurtful things like... \"Wanna go for a run?\"or \"Try this kale.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just lost my virginity. The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.It's like I have entered another body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sadly the inventor of the USB port died recently. . . They are still trying to figure out which way to put his casket into the ground."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries? It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What three words do people dread hearing the most during sex? \"Honey, I'm home!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to live paycheck to paycheck But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library... Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorus walk into a bar. OH SNaP!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say reading is hot. So I started studying philosophy. Now all of my relationships are platonic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced \"That's shit, that is.\"\"I know.\" Replied Rolf. \"But if you'd let me have paints...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I understand why Jesus was crucified But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A recent survey found that most men prefer eating a fine meal in a restaurant to having sex. Presumably because they get performance anxiety when diners are watching."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb? A. Because it wanted a \"light\" snack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed? Only women get stoned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, President Trump names a new Disaster Assistance Ambassador to The Bahamas. \"He's the best. He'll do a great job, believe me.\" the President said. Ja Rule reportedly accepted the position via Twitter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh  Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being deemed an \"essential worker\" Is like being condemned to summer school while the rest of the students are off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a \"mystery object\" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile with a map and compass ? A navigator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips? Pine-terist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The problem with treating mental health Is that it's all in your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Legs in Japanese cartoons are cool I just love anime shins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What activity does the owl mafia participate in? Drive by hootings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings... Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners has been discovered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you... If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire Spoiler alert"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am getting really bored with this lock-down. My Wife suggested that I make a bird table.Now she's kicking off because I put her in fifth place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hot air ballons use burners and not steam? Because Fireflies and Waterfalls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Celsius be like On a scale of 0-100, how hot is this water?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up. Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said \"Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish.\" Sean frowned \"For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time? Djinnflation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the bicycle that wondered how it was like being a motorcycle called? Bike-curious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed. And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.I guess more just grain.Fermented grain.Distilled, fermented grain.I had whisky for dinner tonight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot. Hitler wore brown pants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday Everyone will be looking for windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when an epidemiologist gets a breast reduction Flattening the curve"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sansa: Hey, so I really like this cute top I saw on Amazon and want it to be delivered through Prime ASAP. What shipping speed shall I select? Arya: Not two day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not really a fan of steampunk but I will say, it's one of the healthiest ways to prepare punk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth. I think they may be trying to groom me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. \"Is this good for wasps?\" he asks the assistant.To which she replies \"No, it kills them.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on a date with a blind chick the other day. We made it back to my place and things started getting hot when she reached up my pants. She said \" Damn! You have the biggest dick I've ever played with!\"I said \"Nah. You're just pulling my leg.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir,We’re writing to you  because you’ve violated copyright ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument.... But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.God ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, \"Can I have a bookmark?\" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's your favourite Bad Dad Joke? Email us at info@thepresentfinder.co.uk and if you can make us giggle, we will pop a surprise present in the post for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: I'll call you later. Dad: No, call me Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of mad libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, someone stole a few of my Rap CDs. Oh well, no biggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW: what's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint? The joint won't get passed around the entire show."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms... Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If women are diesel engines Then men are starter motors. Good for about 30 seconds of action before they need a 15 minute break."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America police dogs are K9 In China they are E10."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates. It’s called Prose and Cons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man walks into a library ... says to the librarian in a loud voice, ‘please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice’. The librarian says ‘this is a library’. The man apologies and whispers ‘sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To my future wife and widow : when I die I want you to mix my ashes with a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so that I can tear that ass up one more time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What job offers are there for someone without a brain? The head of state."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a coin is fresh? You can still smell the mint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between an emo kid and a leaf both falling from a tree? Only the leaf reached the ground."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control. I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer increased the yield of his apple tree by cross breeding it with a salmon He said it was quite a fish ent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages. The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.He said well take these drinks to table. 10."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What award did the creator of the knock knock jokes win? The no-bell prize"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do women and saxophones have in common? They both blow and make different noises when you finger them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife? They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What author could write the best book on extracting mercury from the earth? Hg Wells"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bandage is giving a speech to an auditorium full of people when all of a sudden, in walks a leg with a knife wound... ...the bandage says \"I suppose we better wrap this up\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Surfer saves shark by punching wife in New South Wales. Beg your pardon. Let me read that again..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What room in a hospital has the least amount of privacy? The ICU.Edited. (I see you)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do programmers arrange their crayons? They use color coding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust acupuncture specialists? They'll always stab you in the back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts like to ride the elevator? It lifts their spirits  happy spoopy day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe... You've seen a maul!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "College football is introducing the Rosary Bowl Every play is a Hail Mary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two flowers growing in a field First flower turns to the second and says 'you know, I really fancy you'Second flower replies 'I really fancy you, too'First flower says 'where are the bees when you need them??'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out? A molar mass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl added me and sent me a picture of herself She looked so much like someone who would judge me based of my appearance so i blocked her.Cut toxic people out of your life because you deserve better (:"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I buy every comic book I see. . . My friends say I have lots of issues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Iran have an Walmarts? Because they have a Target at every corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having stomach problems the other day so I went to the doctor for my diarrhea. He gave me a blind fold and told me to wait 20 and that I would be fine and it worked.Now I have gonorrhea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What makes santa immune from covid-19? Santabodies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kitten won top prize in a cute competition. Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!It's a real cat-ass-trophy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "ME [a detective]: The victim has 2 puncture wounds on his neck. He was obviously bitten by a vampire. ######OTHER DETECTIVE [Holding up bloody BBQ fork]:I think he was stabbed with this.**ME [Pinching bridge of nose]:** Gary… why would a vampire use a BBQ fork?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got excited that I found a bottle in the beach with a message inside... Which read: You got no new messages."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? Weeeeeee!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear. He said, \"Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What T.V. Channel will never air the sitcom Scrubs? TLC; Because, they don’t want, no scrubs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the 2 most Illegal drugs in Duckville Weed and Quack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says \"Fuck off you won't bring it back\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt? A pain in the ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him. ## The judge gave me 60 years!    &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;    ### My (other) favorite one liners: 1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.1. French tanks have five rever... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork. The poor man dyed a loan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tennis factory was recently established near my house. They’re making quite the racket"}
{"character": "random", "line": "iPhone 8 should have no charging port. So you can use it only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.You'll never guess who came crawling back[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony... He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a skillet and a person who asks celebrities invasive questions? One's a frying pan, the other is a prying fan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers, your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbors are ALWAYS listening to very loud Drum and Bass Whether they like it or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best thing about a blow job? You get five minutes of peace and quiet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A network engineer goes to see his doctor He explains that he cannot seem to make his wife pregnant.The doctor examines the network engineer, and says \"it looks like a connection issue\".........He asks \"is it my technique?\"The doctor responds \"no, you have a twisted pair\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mark and his friend Michelle go to a costume party. When they show up Michelle is clinging to Mark's back. Someone greets them and asks what they're supposed to be. Mark says that he's a snail. The other guy asks \"who's on your back?\" Mark replies \"Michelle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system.... Sound advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius. My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, someone came into the shop I work in, walked up to me and yelled “I F-ED YOUR MOM!” After that, he ran outside. This was the 3rd time this month! I don’t know why my dad keeps doing this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having trouble reading the paper the other day . . . . . . so I went to the optimist and he said everything was fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The chemistry teacher babbles on, \"Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium...\" One of the students stands up and says, \"BORON!!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? only one cause they don't like to share the spot light"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad gets mom a cake for her birthday every year But for Mother’s Day he gives her a cream pie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom and I were in an argument yesterday. Her: “you son of a bitch!”Me: “you’re not wrong...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does everyone hang out with matches? Because they're lit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is there never a food shortage on the planet of Tatooine? Because of the abundance of sand which is there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What berry are the turtles allergic to? Strawberry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A packrat decided to make a nest in my car's muffler. By the time I got to the mechanic the poor bugger was exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of disease did the airport have? A terminal illness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Cannibals Attack When cannibals attacked the AMAs, why were Eminem, Kendrick Lamar and Drake spared?You're not supposed to eat the rappers.(I literally dreamt this joke)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does my uncle and a gastroenterologist have in common? Both shoved foreign objects up my ass after drugging me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(True story) Richard Branson was once asked what is the quickest way to become a millionaire He answered, 'to be a billionaire and start your own airline'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call extra skin on a pig’s penis? The boar skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: \"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son.\" The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: \"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently learned sign language So I can tell jokes people has never heard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter? Prose before Hose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fly without wings? A walk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one nut say as he chased another nut?  I'm a cashew!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution. He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. I went to four different ones today and they all said \"Insufficient Funds\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant? Because caulk fighting is illegal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the male digital signal ask a female digital signal? Do you do ANALog?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Mufasa say to Simba when he pretended to be a tiger? Grrr, I know you lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the couch say to the armchair? Don't worry, I pull out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every new McDonald's creates 40 new jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's funny how certain scents can bring back memories of people we associated with those scents like how I remember my ex every time I take a shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Aaron Rodgers breaks silence on why he broke up with Danica Patrick \"I felt like I was being rushed.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick are starting a pest control business? I mean, it makes sense, they're ex-terminators after all..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the extremes in the political spectrum? Political RectumsExample sentence: It’s impossible to have a civilized discussion with Tim, he is too far right/left up in the Political Rectum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Donald Trump’s form of currency? Trump change"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Aronold Schwarzenegger when he retires? The Ex-terminator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hurricane named Florence and no \"Aunt Flo\" jokes? Hope there's no red tide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, \"Can I have a bookmark?\" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift. He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm The host says, \"thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?\" The guest replies, \"can't have cheese without cwackers\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my kitten won the “Best Butt” prize at the pet show, it wasn’t just bad ... it was a cat ass trophy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is fruit squash banned in Germany? They have a bad history with concentrated juice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago. I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off. But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mickey Mouse sits down with a divorce attorney for the initial case review. The divorce attorney flips through the file and says, \"Okay, so you want to file for divorce from Minnie because she has a... mental disorder?\"Mickey says, \"I didn't say she has a mental disorder, I said she's fucking Goofy!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the North Korean leader’s favorite periodic element? Un un quadium. Then, uranium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the lifeguard at the beach save the hippie? He was too far out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a 300 pound Green Bay Packer fan? Anorexic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar.. Any help would be appreciated.Cheers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some one told me to leave my auto correct on I told them to eat my ash"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies, now this?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an Internet-addicted frog say? Reddit reddit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw.... He said, \"I'm not sure, it all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night? He was an on-call-ogist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, \"I wonder if the have any colored printers.\"I replied, \"Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "20 years ago I used to be excited to receive an email, but hated getting snail mail. Now I'm excited to receive snail mail and hate getting emails."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply? Pb & J."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to the Doctor and says: \"Help, Doc. I'm scared of letters.\" Doctor: Are you?Man: Aahh!Doctor: Oh, you are. Man: Aaaaahhhhh!Doctor: It's okay , I see! Man AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library and asks if there’s any books about turtles... Librarian: hardback?Man: Yea with little heads"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does orange juice and my dad have in common? They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two friends were talking to each other in a bar... \"I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!\", one man proudly exclaimed.\"I thought you said that you were buying her a new car,\" the other questioned.\"Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife knocked on the fridge door before opening it… I said, ‘excuse me but what’s happening?’She said, ‘there might have been a salad dressing’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son's been really worried about his puppy's upset stomach, so in the night I let him into the garden for a shit. \"Why can't I just use the toilet?\" he always asks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you ask an anti-masker to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Because they are a super spreader!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the weak dinosaur say to the other buff dinosaur? I don't like a-steroids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said \"tell him a fruit joke...\" And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an exercise class instructed by a crazy person? Psychokinetics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife always cheats when we play board games Just last night, we were all playing Monopoly in the den and she was next-door fucking the neighbor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rich people start their meals by saying \"Bless us oh Lord for these thine gifts...\" Poor people say \"Ramen.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class? Sum bodies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently I met a pair of twins named Sharon and Karen They were wearing the same clothes, same makeup, and same personality. In fact, they were pretty much the same person. So I guess it is just as they say, Sharon is Karen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home... The smile on her face vanished when I took away her cardboard box."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I are huge movie quoters. When we give each other presents, we say, \"WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!?!?!\" Apparently when she asks, \"How do I look?\" \"That'll do, Pig. That'll do,\" isn't the right movie quote..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The year I figured out masturbation, I got told \"Santa Claus is watching you.\" I got a lot of new socks that year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when there’s an earthquake at a cemetery ? A maraca band"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Todays News: Russia takes a step towards inclusivity by establishing new task force comprised of Gay/Bi/Pan/Trans/etc enlistees... Introducing: The KGBT"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky. It became an ass ending sending ascending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my kids to the shooting range today. But they said I had to use the paper targets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a passenger train made out of sweet potatoes? A Yamtrack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event. But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, \"Khrushchev is a fool!\" He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the cub shy after taking his shirt off at the pool? He was a little bare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had too much Middle Eastern food today. Now I falafel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do flamingoes life one leg up? If they lifted both they'd fall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? \"You've been on fire!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out? Shredded lettuce"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an alternate universe, Shakespeare’s writings are the easiest to understand But basic dialogue... is for prose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the farmboy ride the butcher's girl? Because he wanted a piggyback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit... \"Why are you doing that?\" asked the keeper.  \"The sign says it's okay,\" replied the visitor.  \"No, it doesn't.\"  \"Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had my wife dress as a nurse and get on top last night. That’s the closest to healthcare coverage I’ve had since I was 26.cries in American"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rene De Carte Walks into A Bar Rene Descarte walks into a bar.The bartender asked if he wanted a drink.Descarte responded with “I think not”Descarte  disappearsEdited: fixed name"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation And I've gotta say, it really shucks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My british friend tried joining the ultimate frisbee team.... but he didn't get along with anyone cause he thought they were all tossers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that the \"o\" in Irish names denote that you're a grandson My great-great-great-great grandfather was Reilly, Vehiclepiece. I'm O'O'O'Reilly, Autoparts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do farmers wear? Crop-tops!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, \"wanna hear a joke?\" The second dog says \"sure!\" The first dog says \"knock knock.\" The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police were called to a crime scene. They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.She screamed \"My husband. What have I done?\"Cop \"How many times did you hit him?Wife \" I don't remember. Put me down for a six\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the hardest part about sky diving? The ground."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can of coke fell on a mans head from a high building Fortunately he survived because it was just a soft drink!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Male kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a scotch and starts talking about the good old days when nobody was on their phones, when video games were for the rich, and the ozone layer was whole. “Ok boomer”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his.It began, \"My daddy fell in a well last week.\"\"Good Lord!\" the teacher exclaimed. \"Is he OK?\"\"He must be,\" said Little Johnny. \"He stopped calling for help yesterday.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the word \"scent\", is the S or the C silent? Not even *sc*ience can explain that..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our family surname is “Daniels” So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack. She hates it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two high jumpers walked into a bar Two high jumpers walked into a bar.The third one won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy. So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment? Owlcatraz"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the recent lottery winner? It was the Old Woman In A Shoe, seriously! Guess where she lives now? Beverly Heels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which side of a leopard has more spots? The outside"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't think of a way to make a Drake and Josh joke sound simple But I found a way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Redditor say when the bombs he placed in the bank finally exploded? Woah, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The bad weather kept my friend Edward from going to work today He's Snowden"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery: What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle? When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend has the ability to hike the most complex of trails without getting lost. It’s pathological."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson... Apparently it's called an \"Eye disection\" not \"Eye digestion\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man named Albert Smith once wrote in a hotel visitors book his initials “A.S.” Somebody wrote underneath “two-thirds the truth”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a chemistry student is too stupid to learn about Oxygen, does that make him an oxymoron?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bank He's wearing a mask goes up to counter and makes a finger gun symbolThe clerk asks him still in shock 'i- i- is- this a stick up'The man looks at the ground and goes 'No!, I forgot my gun this is a fuck up'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was attacked while vacationing in Russia All I remember was seeing Tsars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over... Sew boring!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plane say to the other plane when it was leaving? Biplane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “why the long face?” The horse replies, “This was my best friend’s favorite place.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never hit people with violins?? Because violins is not the answer..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house. It was fu***ng delicious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guys I need your help, in the middle of an argument with my wife, she told me that I'm right, what do I do next?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They said a mask and gloves are enough to go to the grocery store. They lied, everybody else had clothes on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My audio editor keeps shutting down unexpectedly while I'm working. The Audacity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"A bull is standing at the border of the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?\" wen moon? wen mars?Godverdomme"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband : Please Call An Ambulance I Think Am Having A Heart Attack... Wife : (Took His Mobile Phone) Quickly, Give Me The Password... Husband : Ooh I Think Am Fine Now..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was brought to the police station to describe the suspect for a police sketch but is hesitant because the perpetrator was actually him. His conscience urges him to tell the truth. It might as well be his self-defining moment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex is like playing billiards. You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I formed a support group for people who suffer from Agoraphobia. Unfortunately it didn't work out. Everyone wanted to have it at their place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net. All he caught were catfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get shot in the army? No, son. I only got shot in the leggy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory... ...just imagine what alcohol will do!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tortoise was mugged by two snails. When asked what happened, he said \"I don't know. It all happened so fast!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the music shop to buy a violin, the assistant said \"Do you want a bow as well?\".. I said \"Don't bother wrapping it\"..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the ghetto snowman call his friends? His snowmies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do homeless turtles go? To the Shellter :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife Not made to scale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel. Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes. It was a dick tater ship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have more oranges than I have apples And you thought that I can't compare apples and oranges..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can produce silver just by sniffing. Smelt it with my own nose. **I'll show myself out**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good accountant says 2+2=4, a bad accountant 2+2=5, a great accountant Asks what you want 2+2 equal to"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist... I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man got a job in Ireland... A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move. The day before they were to leave, she asked him,\"Are you sure about this?\"He tried to clam her down, saying\"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do folks in Kentucky do when their car breaks down? Build a house next to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two internet routers went on a date... Then they went down on each other."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have a Persian girlfriend.. But Iran away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went out with a girl once called 'Owl' Seriously, that was her name, Owl.She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never get tired of jokes about dyslexia even though I have it. I wish I could read all of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beautiful clams don't look out for others They're pretty shellfish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if a writer drinks too much and writes too little? His iron-y becomes rust-y"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered. It was a casual T."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just won a reward for most secretive person in the office I can't tell you how much that means to me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Paul Walker and George of The Jungle have in common? They both should've watched out for that tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police chief asked, \"Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?\" The officer responded, \"I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.\" The chief frowned and said... \"Please, just wear your police uniform.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughters pet lamb died today. The grieving process was delicious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes. But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sheep and a goat went on a blind date and found out they had nothing in common. When asked about their experience, the Sheep went: “Bah”and the Goat went “Meh”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a planetarium show. While I thought it was fantastic, most of it was over my head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cartoon character have you seen live? Donald Duck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the bicycle that wondered how it was like being a motorcycle called? Bike-curious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Needed to find a therapy specialist How to find one? Tried my luck searching for a probable urls. Internet is so stupid. Seriously? I could not find simple address like therapistfinder.org"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I miss baseball so much... I miss baseball so much that I've been substituting things I see out of my front window.Today there's two old ladies drinking on the corner:It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst number to mention in the morning for a Brazillian? 7-2-1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon. It’s considered a sin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "OBSERVATION Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the death of the creator of Mad Libs? I never thought ________ would happen during _______"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin? Hey can I have my nickelback?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer? Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear they finally released Viagra in generic form? The next time your are at the pharmacy ask for coxbphlopin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies \"I couldn't find it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was working in the butter factory such a high stress job? Because there was no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A math teacher invented something. A math teacher invented the worlds first underwater bulldozer. He called it his 'Sub-tractor.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak for my boss, and he said, “I like it well done!” I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar.. Any help would be appreciated.Cheers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, \"This is exactly what I was afraid of.\" Gripping my chest, I rasped, \"What?\" Eyes wide, he whispered, \"Skeletons!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow If you find it, you go to prism."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show. Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the calendar afraid? Its days were numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does quartz get tired of? Being taken for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom! I'm a 3d printer! oh come on, johnny, close the door when you poop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? Because it was over 90°."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my birthday, my brother made me pancakes! I told him to stop flattening my fucking birthday cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white, black and white, and black and white? \"A penguin rolling down a hill\"My 6 y.o just told me this one and I don't know why I laughed so hard.  I felt it should be shared. Lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s black and white and red all over? A bloody newspaper inn’it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what travels around the world but stays in one corner? postage stamp"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound My friend looked up and said \"holy cow\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Highschool orchestra goes fishing Some kids from the highschool orchestra go out on a charter fishing boat during summer break. The captain comes out to talk to them and says \"Any of you kids ever cast a net?\"\"No sir, we're all from the brass section\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are increasing amounts of obese people each year I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are portholes/windows in boats round? So the water doesn’t hit the sailors square in the face!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven. Finally, the chicken Caesar salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house. I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his \"Quote of the Day\" from that memorable event: \"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are. I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I played the drums once, but I swore never to do it again. I didn't want to deal with repercussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who can talk to sneakers? He converses with them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh? Meat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Charles Darwin propose to his wife? He said that she was his natural selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what are cows knees called? burger joints"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store  free yet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got banned from laser tag today. Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Testing makeup on animals is WRONG... They are cute enough already.^Just ^thought ^I'd ^share ^this ^wholesome ^joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear:  \"watch out, he's trying to take your donut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Volcanic eruptions are just the earth rubbing one out If you catch my continental drift. (;"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Strippers don't use air conditioners... Only fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Analbumcover If you read this the same way I did, we can be friends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the definition of \"relative humidity\"? That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.(Too rude?)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena's full name is \"John Felix Anthony Cena Jr.\" Didn't see that one coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once tried eating an hourglass... It was very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that a new element was just discovered? Its atomic symbol is Ah, and it’s called the element of surprise. (Got this from a friend)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a magic owl HoodiniSorry if somebody made this joke already"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are wires addicted to electricity? They can't resist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a tree falls in the forest but there's not a woman around to hear it, is the event even relevant? Of course not! Nevertheless, a Chihuahua 500 miles away will start barking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My butcher is very rude I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location, they have reached hash equilibrium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you posion a woman with a razorblade? Give her arse.a.nic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!”                   My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son was watching me read “War and Peace”, and asked me, “Why is the book so thick?” I said, “Well, ..it’s a long story.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are ghosts bad at lying ? Because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader. The look on his face was priceless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One frog turns to the other and says... Time's fun when you're having flies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a white supremacist at a BLM rally? An ambulance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out... That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the magician with a speech impediment say to the fisherman? Pick a cod, any cod."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors? Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's typically the warmest part of a room? A 90 degree corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house... but the kids still get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Act like a parent. Talk like a peer. It's called peer-enting.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: \"Does this taste funny to you?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's your favourite Bad Dad Joke? Email us at info@thepresentfinder.co.uk and if you can make us giggle, we will pop a surprise present in the post for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted? Nothing, because he was already stuffed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine Dragons is doing a concert in Washington DC They start singing Believer... \"First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head\"\"Challenge accepted\" Donald Trump replies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house. I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hammerhead shark do on his test? He nailed it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pushed that soup ladle as hard as I could... ...caused quite a stir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I miss baseball so much... I miss baseball so much that I've been substituting things I see out of my front window.Today there's two old ladies drinking on the corner:It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst cat to have on your lap? Probably a bulldozer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach. Somebody really hated his guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just like kids all over the world, I sometimes played “doctor” with other inquisitive children As an American, I’m still paying the bills."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t remember if I had a Dalmatian or leopard when I was a kid. Either way, my memory of my pet is kinda spotty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards? Because they use a strongly typed language."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call vegan seafood? Artifishial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Marowak say to Cubone during her dying breath? Marowak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Pride Parade float that fell over? Apparently it was top-heavy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of being a cross dresser the other day... So i packed her things and left"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun? An Ultra-Violet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago. I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off. But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "no Idea why they arrested me... I just read the sign and complied...it said:NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but... The tips were massive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Know-it-alls think themselves a fountain of knowledge. In truth they are an oil spill of knowledge... Unwelcome and hard to get rid of."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the doc says I need to cut back on sodium, I take it with a grain of salt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was surprised to meet a very mean Jamaican... At the Jerk Festival."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the lion in my closet what it was doing there. He told me it was Narnia business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace.\" \"Really? That old chestnut?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Einstein developed a theory about space... And it was about time too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group? A Carpe D.M"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa's Workshop What kind of music do elves listen to?Wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab, and he asked the owner, \"Do you make crab cakes?\" And the owner said, \"Yes we do.\"...So the guy said, \"Good because it's his birthday.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do game companies do with their old successful games? Post Mortem, most port em."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the horny fish join the Peace Corps? He wanted to build some schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll? Seasoning"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A reporter in Houston asked a woman how many churches were open during the flood She said; \"I don't know I eat at KFC\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!! It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war? You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path! Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks: madam, would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars? WOMAN: yeah, sure.  MAN: How about for 10 dollars?  WOMAN: 10 dollars? What kind of woman do you think I am?!  MAN: We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just negotiating the price."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil... ...but really, I'm just trying to make a point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandad \"Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips.\" Grandson \"Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough\" Grandad \"back in my day... 2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle picked me up from school during recess today! My mom never told me about him, but it's nice to finally meet him!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It took my wife six hours to push out our first child. He’s old enough to live by himself now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All conspiracy theories were proved wrong. Trump will manage to stay in power by... ... dragging the vote count until 2024!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A broken drum is the best gift for Christmas You just can't beat it.  On the other hand, a wife would be the worst gift because you definitely can..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen. We are Anti-Pho"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich? It was neck and neck the whole way."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self deprecation is definitely the lowest form of humour. that's why I use it all the time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most awkward aspect of bar-tending at an internet cafe? You have to deal with people who forget to close their tabs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nurse: \"We need a stool sample and a urine sample.\" Man to wife: \"What did she say?\" Wife to husband: \"They want your underwear.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. Sure, I said. My door is always open."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, No, just leave it in the carton!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts hate rain on Halloween? It dampens their spirits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, How long have you suffered from that condition? The guy tells him, Since next Monday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An \"i miss you\" card to my neighbour John. Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "P1: what's the difference between a baby and a toothbrush? P2: i don't knowP1: well, I'm never letting you babysit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic But it was a false Salaam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is turtle wax so expensive? Because they only have little ears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment? It won't get better if you picket it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman and his fish A fisherman caught a fish so big that he dislocated his shoulders describing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when your uncle’s wife tells you a joke? It becomes an anti-joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re a furry, and get turned on by chickens Are you a Hen-Thigh enthusiast?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays? A one that died on Thursday..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Masturbation hurts. Signed, Edward Scissorhands"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?  I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the butter confused at the protesters marching down the street? He didn't know what it was like to be marginalized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American tourist lands at Baghdad Interational Airport The airport security asks him a series of questions.Security: \"Name?\"Tourist: \"Andrew\"Security: \"Residency\"Tourist: \"Idaho\"Security: \"Occupation?\"Tourist: \"No No, just visiting\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two grains of sand going through the desert Suddenly one tells the other: \"Dude, i think we're being followed.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two options for keeping a budget that always has money. Add a zero or move the decimal point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crocodiles in Egypt will never admit to being in love... They all live in de-Nile"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my sense of taste and think I have COVID!!!! Oh shit. It’s just Bud Light, I’m ok."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places. For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ragged looking teen is begging for food on the street A guy comes along and buys him a sandwich. He asks the kid, “are you an orphan?”The kid replies, “yes I am.  What gave me away?”The guy says, “obviously, your parents”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob: Waiter, would you please come here? Waiter: Yes sir, how may I help you?  Bob: Try the soup  Waiter: Is there something wrong sir? Because if so, we can replace the soup    Bob: Just try it   Waiter: Okay, where's the spoon?   Bob: Exactly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, \"Can I push your stool in ?\"She : \"Let's see how this date goes first\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am very concerned about the environment One look and I can tell those trees are up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a used shirt from someone from Chernobyl Third hand"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide.... ....Well,  it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, \" It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends,  is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The government have extended the lockdown period for anyone that drives.. Car owner virus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two mushrooms were talking politics. One mushroom said “I think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”The other said “Thats a shiitake.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table **waiter:** white or red?**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War? Trump dodged the Vietnam War."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what are cows knees called? burger joints"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do Asian Karen's speak? Demandarin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the worst place to loose ypur virginty? At a family trip to Alabama"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a local female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them. It just gives us some scents of perp puss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor says to a lawyer \"There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork\" The lawyer responds \"And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my friend if I should get a foot stool Hey said you otto-man"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Butter Crabs? I love everything about her Butter Crabs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2021 I will create a business called “Resolutions” It will be a gym for the first two weeks of the year, then a bar for the rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey man why did you choose 0911 as your credit card code ? Never forget"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument..... It was a booby trap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirate's favorite letter? Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype.Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand...But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have some fine parking skills. I was complemented on my parking at the courthouse today. Someone left a note saying parking fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What to do when your mother in law is zigzagging across your backyard? Shoot again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the football team pay in cash? They needed a quarterback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do snails fight? They slug it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You're a sandwich!'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn't the \"roof\" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A scarecrow says, \"This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the sesame seed get off the hill? It was on a roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a skeleton's favorite dish at a BBQ? Ribs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the lazy perfume-maker? He made no scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my friend what gift I should get him. He said, \"All I want for Christmas is my one front tooth.\" Man, Tom Cruise is so easy to shop for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman catches a shark. As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, “Wait wait wait… I’m a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go.” “Alright,” says the man, “I want my penis to reach the floor”. So the shark ate his legs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I awoke from my operation A nurse was leaning over me and said \"you may not feel anything from the waist down.\" So I fondled her tits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think.. ...You shellfish bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish? A cool clux clam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you rearrange the letters of Postmen they get very angry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the most rampant STD in the crocodile community in the 1980s? (NSFW) GatorAIDS."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Early in the development of the Clone Wars show the writers wanted Obi Wan to forgive Darth Mail for killing his master and befriend him. They decided to let Qui-Gons be bygones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a collection of weapons kept for the purpose of burning down buildings? An arsonal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died? At his funeral they lowered the casket....Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama. He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.Rhino: \"Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap.\"Lion: \"C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day Call that luck of the IRS."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a time traveler meets George W Bush... Time Traveler: \"What year is it?\"George Bush: \"2001\"TT: \"Before or after the 9/11 terrorist attack?\"GB: \"Before\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman. I was almost kidnapped three times today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences. “Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?” One student raises their hand,“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all? Anyone sorting by new."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common? they all help make a really convoluted joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Iron Man is a very confusing character. I know he’s a guy but he could’ve been Fe Male."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is the first mistake everybody is going to make in 2019 Edit: \\*2020"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters? Because they are filled with anty bodies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs? It's a long tail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know it's Presidents Day Monday? The President leaves the White House and if he sees his shadow, it's one more year of bull shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men? A penile colony."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mansplain\" is a terrible word to use because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a great safety tip for Halloween this year Wear a mask!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid walks out in a Tortoise costume,why are you wearing that costume?” Mother: why are you wearing that costume?Kid: I’m going to that costume partyMother: isn’t that next year?Kid: yeah, but I’m a Tortoise..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a 300 pound Green Bay Packer fan? Anorexic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party. His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor.  She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. \"Why would you want to do that?\" one of the board members asked. \"So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Edward get on the plane? Cause it was snowed-in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble. But that was when his friend said: \"Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra. But he was spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin He had an adept understanding of string theory"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink. Liberty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A salad was arrested for public indecency... I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How you turn a washer into a snow blower? Hand her a shovel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took some fiber supplements today Good shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You were expecting perfume... But it was me, Deo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law & Order franchise ordered a T-bone steak for dinner last night. He prefers them well Done-Done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What brown, steams, and can be found under a piano stool? Beethoven's last movement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donner with my boss I had dinner last week at my boss house, his wife offered me roasted potatoes she said \" how many potatoes do you want?\" i said \"one please\" she said \"you don't have to be polite\", \"one, you fat bitch\" wasn't the proper answer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage. The judge threw it out because we had no case"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my grandfather who was a dentist for 40 years How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?Because everywhere else it would be a teethbrush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke about a shutdown coin factory. Nevermind.It makes no cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many viola players does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they can't reach that high"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pigs so bad at sports? They're always hogging the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't they let the fungi into the party? There wasn't mush room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A salesman tried to sell me a burial plot. But that's the last thing I need."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Just say NO to drugs!\" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got arrested today and the cops said they needed to take my fingerprints and put them on file. But when we got to the station, the sergeant said they'd run out of fingerprint ink. So they just asked for 6 digit passcode instead. I think they're trying to PIN something on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "customer: excuse me where can i find your selection of dildos? clerk: in the peen aisle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the local farmer? Who was feeding his pigs marmite?  They gave birth to twiglets 🤌"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year's Resolution is to be more humble... Which should be easy as I'm already *really* good at it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a knight made entirely out of china? Sir Ramic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "WARNING: Tiger King Spoilers Will make your car look stupid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After months of putting it off, I finally replaced the mirror in the bathroom. I just couldn't see myself using the other one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, someone stole a few of my Rap CDs. Oh well, no biggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom! "}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands. His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: 'See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.' Wife puts the book down and says:' Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.''I've been talking to the goat'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you boil a clown... Do you get a laughing stock?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people.. ..that have been taking the piss out of me for wearing mittens, but I’m not going to point fingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm... He looks at his wife and says \"that's the pig I've been telling you about\"For the wife to respond \"Deer, that's a duck.\"The farmer cuts back \"I was talking to the duck.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I got everything I ever wanted for Christmas, and Santa brought you nothing!!\" said little Sam to his elder brother. \"But at least I do not have Leukemia\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Snow White was in bed, feeling Happy Happy got out, so she started feeling Grumpy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, \"I wonder if the have any colored printers.\"I replied, \"Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer succeeds in growing a field of vibrators.. He now has a problem with squatters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My operating system just deleted half my files. I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was finishing reading a book when all of a sudden he had an urge to start masturbating. He finished at the end of the book You can say he *Came to a conclusion*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom. I'm pissed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the woman flash the tattoo artist. It was tit for tat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.  I see food and I eat it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English? Candidate: Are the thieves from England?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it. Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix human DNA with zebra DNA? Well, kicked out of the zoo for starters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment? It won't get better if you picket it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe... I’m not joking, but he is..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were they called \"the dark ages\"? Because it was knight time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me. I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups... well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I own a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt Unfortunately, Stradivari was a horrible painter, and Rembrandt knew nothing about making violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis... it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when a fisherman saw that they spent more on missing fishing equipment than they made selling fish? They realized a net loss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert E. Lee once said: \"I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it.\" That's just generally speaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man in camo underpants? Nobody saw him coming!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw.... He said, \"I'm not sure, it all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Robert Palmer bad at tennis? He's addicted to love"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse. Don't worry, it's in a stable condition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Squash soft drink cans for a living It's soda pressing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody today It is very poor quality. All I can see is the little silhouetto of a man"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East? Because there are to many targets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together. I figured if you can't beat them, join them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? They can't control their pupils."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally coming out of the closet It’s been 25 minutes. My little brother sucks at hide and seekI swear if he’s playing Fortnite right now I will throw him out of the goddamned window."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem He thought nobody important was out to get him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math But science and math pushed back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do snails fight? They slug it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left a note on the fridge that said, \"This isn't working.\" I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? I really shouldn't be spreading it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, \"Don't worry, it'll grow on you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you lift an elephant with one hand? You can't, elephant only have feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the politician that ran out of ideas? I told him he's probably constipated, and drinking a cup of coffee should get the shit flowing again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, \"I wonder if the have any colored printers.\"I replied, \"Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig who just lost at a game of tug-of-war? Pulled pork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who led the Israelites through the selectively permeable membrane? Osmoses"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do K-pop fans suffer from flashbacks after traumatic events? Because they have BTSD."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the watering hole, an elephant suddenly picked up a tortoise and flung it as far away as he could. A lion asked, \"Why'd you do that?\" The elephant said, \"That's the same one that bit me on the trunk 17 years ago last week.\" The lion said, \"Wow. Amazing memory.\" The elephant said, \"Sure. Turtle recall.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of table is good for your health? A vegetable!This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy I wanted to date demanded I disclose my bust size first He said he only deals with known quantitties."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never been very good with mental math. At times its like the numbers move around and disappear into the distance. I'm not unique, many people struggle with roamin' numerals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all those considering doing the \"Kiki Challenge\" please remember... You should never Drake and drive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my girlfriend last week to get her air conditioning fixed and to stop walking around the house naked for all the neighbors to see. I came over today and nothing has changed Except now she’s got only fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why the Reddit Dragon is yellow? It's got bananas for scales"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world! The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What name would you call someone with poor local area network? What name would you call someone with poor local area network? Nolan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase? I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grandpa tells his teen grandson: \"I will put 100 dollars under your pillow if you can find me a viagra pill right now\". Ten minutes later grandson gives grandpa a viagra pill. Next morning grandson looks under his pillow and finds 1,100 dollars. He goes to grandpa and says: \"Grandpa what happened? Why did you give me 1,000 dollars more?\" and grandpa says: \"I only gave you 100 dollars. The rest is from your granny\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was trying to read the newspaper, but every third word was redacted. Whatever, I like the comics better than the classifieds anyways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan? Take away their little brooms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain... ...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2? Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I try to learn from my mistakes, but it's hard when they can't even wipe their own ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure. Divorce."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself... No 'fence.Nun taken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others. The rangers kicked me out!Said I was Crittersizing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to \"break a leg\"? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My internet connection is just like my Ex-Girlfriend Unstable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady goes into a butcher shop A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.The butcher says \"I get off at 6.\"The lady says \"I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver! As for your platinum and gold, spreddit, you won’t regreddit!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.God ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does your mum and Jupiter have in common They both take care of the most amount of offspring within their group, while having to deal with a harsh and unstable environment...And they weigh over 20 quadrillion tons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A perfectionist walked into a bar Apparently, it wasn't set high enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you trip an alarm? It doesn’t have any feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I knew a chemist who survived solely on oxygen and potassium. When I asked him what he felt like, he said OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny: A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave. Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave. The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does depressed Daniel drive? Sad Dan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I said to the woman in front of me on the bus... “Excuse me ma’am, but you have some semen on your sweater.”“Oh,” she replied, “it’s probably just yogurt.”“I kinda doubt that,” I said, “I’m pretty sure I don’t ejaculate yogurt.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”. I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was the first digital sound created? Someone snapped their fingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cucumber said to the other cucumber? Nothing. Cucumbers don't speak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shame about ancient Grecian art... The shame about ancient Grecian art is that there are amazing marble sculptures and structures which too often get taken for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?... Nah i better give them to this homeless guy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly. The barman says \"That was quick!\"\"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had...\" replies the man.\"Ohh, what's that?\" said the barman sympathetically.The man answers \"no money.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "People keep telling me flying and eating meat is bad for the environment. So I shot that stupid eagle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too.. Because Sharon is Karen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monica: \"Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.\" Chandler: \"How do you find clothes that fit?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What runs around a baseball field but never moves? A fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are snails bad at racing? They're sluggish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bicycle collapse? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic His new gig is just a little bit funny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's good to know sign language. It's pretty handy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally a documentary full of watches, hourglasses, and sundials. It's about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no “You can taekwondo”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was surprised to meet a very mean Jamaican... At the Jerk Festival."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I watched a movie called \"The Adjustment,\" about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes an famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't really like it. Too much backstory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a rental car and a Jeep? There are some places you wouldn't take a Jeep.(I mean taking it off road and abusing it)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Printer tired while printing her picture Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex is like playing billiards. You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was accused of throwing shade today All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;\"papers\" I said \"scissors, i win\" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom? Because number two shocked him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the jelly roll? Because it saw the apple turnover!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cuddly toys never eat? Because they are stuffed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Obvious media bias Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[DIRTY] Eye exam Eye specialist: \"Sir, you need to stop masturbating.\"&nbsp;Patient: \" Oh my God, is it ruining my eyesight?\"&nbsp;Eye specialist: \"No. It's disturbing the other patients.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets ain't black Your mamma's chest, is as flat as her back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021"}
{"character": "random", "line": "MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent. Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump. It's called Grabbed-her-snatch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which instrument players are the sexiest? Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of homeopathy has just died. Massive underdose, apparently."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the celery say to the carrot? You've got a point.Credit to my niece"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW] St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey? A Kick-Ass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the viola say to her daughter before crossing the street? You better C^♯ or you'll B^♭"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fisherman stream? A rodcast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide. Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, \"Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an argument that suddenly changes topics? A debate and switch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does earth and mars schedule a vacation They planet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes. I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill... ...Ruth hits a tree.  Johnny continues, ruthlessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you turn a spoon into a fork? Open up the drawers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the police do if you steal soup? They arrestew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Four people, each of them being from different professions define a kiss. Mathematician: 2 divided by nothing.Physicist: Expansion of the heart and contraction of the lips.Marketing specialist: A thing which is profitable when returned back.Economist: A thing which is high in demand but low in supply."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Squidward finally snapped, and used his clarinet to stab Spongebob. Killed him with A Sharp Instrument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The surgeon's first circumcision was tricky. Eventually, the surgeon managed to pull it off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan... Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Abominable Snowman is sad because everyone runs from him when he tries to make friends.... Yeti still tries :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem. I think he's very wrong.Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.Edit: thank you for the titanium kind strangerEdit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Before our night out, my wife said that she didn't want me to get dressed up. No point arguing with her.So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just had a power outage during sex. What a turn off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents laughed when I out-joked my dad. My mother called my father a joke, and my dad said, \"Not as much of a joke as our kid.\" They both started laughing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clark: \"I'll have a coke.\" Flight attendant: \"Do you want that in the can?\" Clark: \"No, I'll have it right here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This old guy I knew would always say, 'You know what really burns my ass?' He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, 'A fire about this high.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt... Damn mosquito!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the construction worker buy the Microsoft CD? To install the windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled during her period? They say she has a mean flow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I uploaded a picture of our newborn baby to Facebook. I probably should have cropped out my wife's vagina."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was gonna start a butcher shop But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist. They're just called Japanese actors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grow a pair\" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating Instead people should say  \"Grow a dick\" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yankee candle, known for its fragranced candle line of products has revealed it is making an odourless candle for the first time ever It makes no scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How south is South Africa? South AF"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mom, I'm almost 17 now. When will I get my period like the other girls?\" \"You are not like the other girls, Dave.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never play poker with a crocodile? You will lose every hand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have? Hypochondria"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We now have a goat in our bedroom. 'But what about the smell?''I think the animal will get used to it.'(Hope that works in English too.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do when there's rough turbulence? Use an air plane!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny? Perfect timing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The bermuda triangle used to be known as the bermuda rectangle, until one of the sides mysteriously vanished."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents have the awesome super power of jumping..... to conclusions in every f***ing thing I talk about."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grow a pair\" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating Instead people should say  \"Grow a dick\" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Joke for everyone who isn't called Richard Was chatting to a lovely Blonde the other day, Ruth she said her name was.When she asked my name I said ‘Jason, but everyone calls me Dick for short’‘How do you get Dick from Jason’ she askedI replied ‘Ask nicely!’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does 2+2 =5 ? By mistake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad has a brother named Robert I guess Bob's my uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”“Yeah, I know.”He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”“The light was on.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses. Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sweatshirt on the ledge of the tower bridge? A jumper!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic. A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.The nursed asked the rabbit: \"What is your blood type?\"\"I am probably a type O\" said the rabbit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a bear with a mountain lion? Killed. You get killed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the biggest difference between a crayon and your ex? The crayon is non-toxic!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my daughter to the park yesterday. Everything was going fine until we got to one particular ride. First she happy, then she was sad, then she was unbelievably angry... Those were some crazy mood swings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic? Because baggers can’t be choosers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are white girls so odd? Because they literally can’t even"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend brought a bag of air for $5 He was surprised it came with some chips inside"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem He thought nobody important was out to get him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex? Trump-bone"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a really nice steam train today. I was chuffed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's an Italian town where pasta is a currency A penne for their thoughts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was gleefully telling me about how the cost to replace her many responsibilities is $100k/year Boy you should have seen her face though when I sent her an invoice for replacing the shower head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to buy some classical music CDs... But I was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today... In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:\\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?\\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.\\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!\\- Ah, this must be outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull? Pit bulls are intelligent and loving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter? It was an egg shell lent idea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party? Pot Roast.  Ba dum dum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of award do you get for being a #1 couch potato? A trophy. Muscle atrophy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?” So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How fast can Captain Underpants travel? The speedoflight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I work security at a Samsung store. I guess you could say I’m... a gaurdian of the galaxy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What metal does a Japanese robot consist mostly of? *Manga*nese"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I became a naval cook because I wanted to see the world! But so far, I’ve only seen China, Turkey and Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just bought the Missus a Pug dog. Despite the squashed eyes, rolls of fat and being ugly as fuck. The Pug seems to like her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to make a brief joke, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily. So I offered, \"some add vise.\" ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend who used to live in russia became a father today. His son had a mutation of a sort that made him have 3 balls instead of 2. I immediately saw the opportunity and replied to him \"chernoballs\" .......he hates me nowJason im sorry if u read this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a emo kid on vacation? A Tropical Depression"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom. Probably cause the audience is shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw two movies this weekend. One was about a crazy person who fought crime in their underwear, and the other was Captain Underpants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted. The judge told him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica. It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need to brush up on my geography. The box my new TV came in said \"Built In Antenna.\" I have no idea where Antenna is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank... Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What currency do you use to buy a cow? Moo-ney"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Reaper says when he is going to hair dresser? DYE DYE DYE!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I once saw an argument in a comment section, a man said, “How many chromosomes do you have?” The other replied, “More than you”.The sheer confidence he had"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "From my son: \"knock knock\" \"who's there\"\"owls say\"\"owls say who\"*meniacal smile*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The self isolation is keeping families united My dad finally returned home with the milk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mum has a small shop near the beach, where you can buy batteries ... She sells C cells by the seashore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague. I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who swam across the English Channel? A clever dick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that if you thank or reward someone for something before they do it, they feel obliged to do it thanks for the gold, stranger!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle is an archeologist.. He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How ironic, a tornado tore through Miss Oklahoma's vegetable patch the day after she was crowned Miss America. She actually got whirled peas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two friends who pooled their money to buy a brand new saxophone? They recently entered into a same-sax relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March? No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra. My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Snoop Doggs favorite part of grilling? The sizzle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother in law said she wanted to die a natural death. So I've just dropped her off at the jungle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?” He answered, “No, just visiting”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man goes to the cardiologist \"So, how many beers do you have per day?\" the cardiologist asked.\"Four,\" the man responded.\"But last time I said you could only have two!\"\"Yes, but my physician also said I could have two.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me on account of my weird fetishes I said \"Fine! Slam the door on my dick on your way out!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. \"I hope you win\" was not the correct response."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think that ultra-violet light might have Asperger's. Its definitely on the spectrum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the different between the original steam engine and the improved one *Watt"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the circumcision doctor quit when he hadn’t gotten his paycheck yet? He already had all the tips he needed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s tighter than a dead virgin? My alibi"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist... After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife’s showing symptoms of Alzheimers. She’s telling me everyday that she can’t remember what she saw in me that made her marry me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My husband told me to embrace my mistakes So I gave him a big hug!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis. I only had two options, either give it away... or flea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?Me:No he wants to become one to"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call two old people having sex? a slowpoke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister's zodiac sign was cancer, which is really ironic to how she died... She got squashed by a giant crab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I must be out of my mind! Me: You and me both!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just had an operation on my funny bone.... Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the German writer always starving? Because he is paid by the word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night. Lettuce be seen without dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend died when she saw a wild ox wearing a knitted jumper. It was a Cardi Yak arrest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button. It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They're a fungi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swimming with sharks is so expensive. It cost me an arm and a leg!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the mail person delivery any envelopes? They were stationary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog \"5 miles.\" So that I could frequently say, \"I am going to walk 5 miles now.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When wearing a bikini, a woman reveals 90 % of her body Men are so polite that they only look at the covered part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shovels were a ground breaking invention... But dumbbells were an uplifting one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays? A one that died on Thursday..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black, and white, and OBVIOUSLY belongs in NeverLand? Pan, duh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition? He is an expert at hiding nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw a news headline about an unidentified man found beaten, naked, and unconscious in the park. The report described the man as overweight, unattractive, with a very small penis. ....So anyway, I just called to see if you were okay. Call me back to check-in, worried about you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: Do you want something to drink? Me: We've got this new soda called 'Princess Di.' It'\bs a tribute to Princess DianaFriend: Got anything else?Me: Just Mountain Dew.Friend: So those are my only two options?Me: It's Dew or Di."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail takes for ever to cross the street and finally knocks on a guy's door The guy answers, sees the snail, picks it up and throws it far away. Two years later the snail returns, knocks again and the guy answers.  The snail says, \"Yo! What the fuck was that about?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man wins a lottery worth 1 Million dollars.On the same day, his wife asks him what would you do with the money if I left you today? He replied, \"That's not possible, you cannot win 2 lotteries on the same day!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can blow your nose, you can blow your friends but you can't blow your friend's nose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.It was a sham rock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in middle school, my \"friends\" used to force me to eat vegetables until I almost threw up. They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a white drug abuser in america A politician"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the waves on a small beach? Microwaves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my new Simpsons shirt is a knock-off It says “don’t halve a cow, man”. They really butchered the catchphrase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are 2 Protoactinium atoms together called? PaPa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't really like comic books They have too many issues"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes... but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A... They were raising canes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "February is Eczema awareness month.... I am raising money by selling scratch cards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: \"Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor\". And the plumber goes: \"I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Germans walk into a London pub Two Germans walk into a London pub-2 Martinis please.-Dry?-Nein! ZWEI!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... \"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess,\" the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket.\"Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?\" asks the frog. \"I'm a princess!\"The man shrugs. \"I'd rather have a talking frog.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man with a drum came to my door I told him to beat it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice... ...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Santa's favourite letter of the alphabet? O, O, O!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate stair lifts They drive me up the friggin wall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know why people are so happy about Robert Mugabe's death... I mean, didn't he turn all of his countrymen into billionaires?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea? \"Get your shit together\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind... I hear it's not even a real airport!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The the first thing to do after you realize you've made a mistake is to locate your clothes. Then get the heck outta there before that mistake wakes up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I'm cleaning out my refrigerator and couldn't help to notice what a great blue cheese selection I have. Not intentionally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters? Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Germany announces a new health ministry to aid in combatting COV19 From today, all research dedicated to battling COV19 will be carried out under the Robert Cough foundation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Alabama's population size? Family size."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does every Tickle-Me-Elmo have to have test-tickles before they leave the factory? No, Not every one, only the males"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when... ...commercial Oil tankers are attacked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what is the difference between a sad ghost and an angry cow? one boos sadly the other moos madly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call unemployed Bob the builder? Bob"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scotland is like Iraq A little but Sunni, but an awful lot Shiite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two kittens are sitting at the edge of a slide. Which falls first? The one with the lower mu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam? They both get stoned after sex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It's Christmas Eve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it's a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards. Me: ...And?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The last time Chuck Norris surfed the internet... ...he finished it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Beyonce's favorite letter? o o O o o o o o o o o O"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Zucchini say when it got stepped on? *squash*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy .>!gf is prego!<>!we like to get kinky anyways!<>!one night things get particularly saucy!<>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.Husband: I know all that.Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A flat-earther's greatest fear is... Sphere itself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman goes to the doctor and says, \"Doctor, can you help me!? I've hurt my hand!\" The doctor takes a look and says, \"It's nothing too serious, you've pulled a mussel.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out. Her kids don't help either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob Ross used to say, \"There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents.\" Lovely man, terrible driving instructor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts. Operator: \"Great! Can you drive a truck?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa Claus is a douchebag... He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she’s been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a ho."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “why the long face?” The horse replies, “This was my best friend’s favorite place.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a piece of charcoal at the end of a wire? An amateur electrician"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are black, violets are black... Everything’s black; I’m blind"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is more powerful than IBM? IBM + C = ICBM."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my ABBA cd Where did the disco?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down. I couldn’t connect to the server"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a house without numbers? Something that needs addressed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to watch a music movie... But it was full of sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They had no idea at the job that I was a total drunk Until I showed up sober one day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are. I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noah's wife: the ark is falling apart Noah: glue might work, I have an idea Horse: it's weird he brought 3 of us"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A whale goes to a plastic surgeon He gets a blowjob"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound. He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only \"snitches get stitches\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you posion a woman with a razorblade? Give her arse.a.nic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man made a motorcycle completely out of wood It had a wooden engine, a wooden frame, wooden tires, wooden gas tank, everything was wood.But did he ride it?No, wooden start...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Respect for the fallen I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.It was in memory of all those who had died at the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best thing about working in a communist country? You can chuck a sickle whenever you like."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got this new recipe app. I am having issues with the security. I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks \"hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?\"  Donald replies \"No. Iran.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are dumbasses. Use a pan,for God's sake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just accused me of having zero sense of empathy. I have no idea how she can feel that way."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm... He looks at his wife and says \"that's the pig I've been telling you about\"For the wife to respond \"Deer, that's a duck.\"The farmer cuts back \"I was talking to the duck.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a ghost poop? A spookie dookie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gifted pair of gloves to my kid with no hands as a Christmas gift as a joke That little fuck hasn't still opened the box."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. At least I know where I stand now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If banks have a penny for every time they robbed someone ... Oh wait, they do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“It’s easy to stand in the crowd, but it takes courage to stand alone”, Mahatma Gandhi “It’s easy to stand alone but it takes courage to stand in a crowd” , Covid-19"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother has been teaching me how to make my favourite meals, but there's one that I just can't seem to get right. I'm great at lasagne, fantastic with casseroles but as soon as I get my hands on minced beef and beans..It's chilli-con-carnage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a scary library in my town... ...everytime I go there I get goosebumps."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down. Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my country we have a special word for the first day of sunshine that follows two days of rain. We call it \"Monday\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic? He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a really big dildo? A weapon of ass destruction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They're a fungi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, \"What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?\" The guy says, \"It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we \"be positive,\" but it's just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never kiss anyone on January 1st because it's only the first date."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live. Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of dudes are walking through the park They see a young pair banging in the bushes. One of the dudes can't help himself but comment:\"Hey, man, leave some for us!\"\"I can't, I inserted everything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a a really good fisherman A master-baiter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pig cross the street? To clock in at the precinct"}
{"character": "random", "line": "why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down? cause it's a fell-on-knee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just bought Drakes new single, but I couldn't listen to it because a damn fish jumped and snatched the cd out of my hand I guess it was cod's plan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a way to increase the number of steps on my Fitbit I wore it on the right hand"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had the greatest sense of a fulfilled purpose back in that marine corps. *wait...stupid autocorrect...**scents *porpoise *corpse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spine surgeon to-do list: Get back to work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss calls me \"The computer\" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when engineering students call themselves \"Engineer\" you don't see med students calling themselves doctor, or art  students calling themselves unemployed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor? Pretty Sir Eel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything..... I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield? Its asshole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The doctor says I lost 25% of my grip after I fractured my arm RIP"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons make good accountants? The economies of scale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do atoms and black lives have in common? They matter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped. And I think it's going to be a long, long time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mary had a little lamb... Her gynecologist fainted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met up with a girl from tinder. She asked me to tie her up and do anything i want... Guess who has gone fishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head... Im alright, it wasn't a big dill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house. I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I may have Alzheimer’s disease ... but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads. But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands... So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dating life If my relationship doesn't work out I want to be a suicide hotline doctor... I need a nice way to meet chicks with no strings attached."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke my chem teacher told my class which his 6 year old son came up with What do only T-Rexes have?......T-Rex babies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge? He wanted to gather his THOTs first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do butchers and men with Onlyfans accounts have in common? They both get paid to beat their meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like updoots, I like silver Cake day cake day please deliver"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election! It's called President Evil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book. Now, they've got cameras"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know those little numbers at the bottom of condoms? You never noticed them? Oh, I guess you don't roll yours down that far."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did y'all hear about the accident during the Kowloon Percussion Festival? There was a tamtam ensemble that was playing a piece, and one of the instruments fell off its stand and rolled into the crowd, injuring a few people.Headlines were \"Hong Kong Gong Song Gone Wrong\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh? For Claus combat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer He said \"if you can reach those for me you can have them.\"But the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call people who believe in Satan? Christians"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers. So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery. It was like a huge weight off his chest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding. The citizens of Cairo are still in denial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do u call a knight who’s really sketchy? Sir Spishus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak? Because it was /r/aww"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did they circle say when he found out he wasn't actually a circle? \"Yeah whatever, I'm Oval it\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What disease do all comedians have? Sillyacts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the easiest way to get a fine? Ask a policeman how he's feeling"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is heavy forward but not backward? A ton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad's name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, 'Dad, I'm full,' he always replies, 'No, I'm full; you're Ruby.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he's flying? A Bill-in-air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of that brothel by the port? I believe it's called \"The Land Ho!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread? The middle yeast"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Great dynasties of history Egypt: AyyubidSouth Africa: ZuluChina: MingGreece: HelenaItaly: Medici U.S.: Duck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes. ............Onlyfans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drum set and a snake falls off a cliff. The drummer and pet shop owner are very sad now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks? The Hollercaust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What karate move are pigs known for? Pork chop"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman walks into a costume party, dressed as a turtle. As part of the costume, another woman was painted green ND attached to her back.At the party, someone asked the woman \"Who's that on you're back?\"To which they responded \"That's Michelle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was really surprised when I was born. So much so that I didn't talk for a year and a half."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree. My car was totaled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "US Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg died. Clearly now people will see the court as completely Ruth-less."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film. It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'? A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a new music shop in town that only services instruments made between the years 1600 and 1750. \"If It Ain't Baroque, Don't Fix It\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be. He answered:640 x 480."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police were tracking down a serial killer. The police were tracking down a serial killer who would dismember his victims and sell their body parts. He was caught after trying to sell three feet at a yard sale. The bail cost him an arm and a leg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl who leaves the country? Abroad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both can be used to carry vegetables...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. She asked how warm?  I said lukewarm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team? Because they ate all their bats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia? A clitortise"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts... They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Charlie Brown Foundation is now accepting donations. All proceeds go towards good grief counsellors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often are chemistry jokes posted to reddit? Periodically"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Hooters delivered their food... ...would that make them Knockers?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl? If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a rainbow when it breaks the law? It goes through the prism system"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rihanna just donated $5,000,000 to Coronavirus relief through her foundation. I wonder what her mascara’s going to do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A little boy with Downs runs to his dad to show him a drawing he made... \"Excellent son, good job!\" The dad says. \"I'd rate this 47/46.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris. \"Nationality ? \" asks the immigration officer. \"German,\" she replies. \"Occupation?\" \"No, just here for a few days.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the explosion at the Nissan factory? It was raining Datsun cogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d love to post a joke like the ones I see trending every day and I think I could do it. If I can only find an old enough joke book.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.I fulfilled my promise.She’s dead and berried."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my son asked me why his teddy bear didn’t need to eat. I said why, he said Because he’s stuffed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most acidic soup? Ph0"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter? More-soup-y’all?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why won't any sea creatures date oysters? Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When he's in the bathtub, Batman uses Bat-shower gel to clean his body, Bat-pumice on his feet and Bat-shampoo to wash his hair. But to keep his hair smooth and silky he uses Conditioner Gordon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike. ... unfortunately the result was unbearable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out... That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all my Redditor friends observing the holy month of Ramadan... ...Lunch is on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never judge a book by its cover. Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there's Nathan...(endless droning about nicknames). Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A steak pun is a rare medium done well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a happy camper? A Jolly Rancher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas? Corollavirus. Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation? **Pencil-vania!**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I faced the wrong way on live television. Back to the studio."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I guess China finally got what they want They managed to coronise the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures \"the lowest ever recorded\" this summer. So he switched the US to Celsius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants? He liked high steaks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments. Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends. I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a super watered down liquor with all the oxygen removed? Hydro-gin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Friend - What is you new year’s resolution? Me - 420 x 69"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath? One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My love for you is like an hourglass I always finish on the bottom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's common between a bungee jumper and a hooker? If the rubber snaps, you're screwed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "inspired by the girl who was surprised after drawing her eyebrows too high I tried to tell this foreign exchange student that she drew one of her eyebrows higher than the other, but I don't think her English was very good because she looked confused ​"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologize"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone asked me to sign their cast. So I wrote, \"Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back His friends see him and ask \"What are you supposed to be?\"\"A turtle\" the man replied\"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask\"Oh, thats just Michelle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Man... I’ll never be as cool as a bicycle or a motorcycle...” He moped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my brother have quite the connection together We're siamese twinsNote: I am actually not a siamese twin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tired dragon make for dinner? Flamin yawn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes... Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do sport fans eat from? a SOUPer bowl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a little sad that my old HP printer died on me today. It was like a Brother to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh? A Washington."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy: \"WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?\" Waiter: \"Thats the soup sir\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, COVID makes your sense of hearing and your logic weaker. I mean, have you seen this year's Eurovision!?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Warning to all men about eBay. Be careful what you buy on eBay.If you buy stuff on line, be sure tocheck out the seller carefully.I just spent £95 + postage,on a penis enlarger.Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.The only instructions said, \"Do not use in sunlight.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer. The customs officer asks: \"Name?\"  The Russian replies: \"Vladimir Krylov\"  The customs officer continues: \"Occupation?\"  The Russian replies: \"Not yet, just visiting.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because black eyes matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if a writer drinks too much and writes too little? His iron-y becomes rust-y"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Idk how to climb stairs Anyone have a step by step tutorial?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night, my daughter shouted downstairs, \"Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink!\" \"That's great, darling!\" I said. \"Put it under your pillow and see what happens.\" A few minutes later she shouted, \"Nothing's happened dad and now my bed is completely soaked!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Prison Why is The White Guy Scarier Than The Black Guy? Because the White Guy did it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A knight used to party hard He was called Sir Dancelot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would appreciate it if we stopped posting Holocaust Jokes. They're not funny, witty, or humorous. My Grandpa died in the Holocaust He fell off the Guard Tower"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the driver fired from the destruction derby? He was accused of wreckless driving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp... But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is this fairground big wheel made of iron? Of course it is! It's a ferrous wheel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick... She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you kill the ender dragon You ender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Operation Clean-Up Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.  Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence \"The marbles fell out of my pocket.\"Vs\"The marbles fell out of my colon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd Apparently that’s frowned upon in bowling"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Trump say when he was told there were Brazilian astronauts in space? Another Trump record.  No one has ever heard of this many astronauts in Space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory? The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never trust a carp's excuse? They always seem a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone has glued my pack of cards together-I don't know how to deal with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can't talk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Enjoy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What the difference between Pizza and Musician? A pizza can feed a family of 4."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when you play EDM in a forest? Tree-House"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women make their lives more difficult. Just think about where men would be without women... Still in the Garden of Eden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes back and forth, makes white stuff, and feels different if you use your other hand? A toothbrush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes. Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Christmas I was just minding my own business when I was visited by a few ghosts. The plot Dickens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A helpful bit of advice when using the internet Avoid clickbait"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For centuries, scientists said “Drake and Josh” couldn’t come to Hulu or Netflix But they found a way, they found a way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, \"Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.\" The boy looks over and responds, \"My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five\".The man replies, \"And he ate that much chocolate?\"\"No\" says the boy, \"But he minded his own fckng business.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "New Years resolution to recycle water I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer.  I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My internet connection is a lot like my grandad It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup. I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving with my backdoor open. To close it, I accelerated at speedbumps. That way the door will close from the shock.  I got fired because the patient fell from the ambulance..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time. I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the oyster's girlfriend leave him? He was shellfish in the seabedNo, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny.\" *Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*\"I came straight home, of course!\"*That's my good boy.*\"Mom?\"*Yes, my son?*\"May I please have a penny?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday i kidnapped a baby kangaroo. I got arrested in charge of pickpocket"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade? A huge rant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth? His mouth was 4 molarPost your favorite nerd chem jokes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor from the morgue calls the local dealership: \"How many motorcycles did you sell today?\" \"Four.\" \"Oh, looks like one is still riding\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend? To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right. Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I smashed a CD in half... Bits flew everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library... Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy orders 12 straight vodkas from the barman... \"What's goin on?\" asks the barman. The guy replies, \"Just had my first blow-job today\"\"Well done\" says the barman, \"Celebrating?\"\"Nah, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW: A woman answers the phone and there's heavy breathing on the line. A pervy voice said \"I bet you have a bald asshole\" She says \"Ah, you want to speak to my husband\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are Gorillas stupid? Of course, who else would complain about a 19$ drink but keep coming back to the same bar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my biology teacher how he makes his class so interesting He told me: Sex cells."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.Fury: Wait, are you serious?Tony: No cap"}
{"character": "random", "line": "which TV/movie character can use the power of the force and the power of potassium? Bananakin Skywalker!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk! So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen. Police suspect highly organised crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did prince Oxygen inherit the throne after the king died? Because he was the rightful heir"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes... \"Oh.\" said the counselor. \"I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a knight who turned into an upvote-addict on Reddit? Sir Karmalot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier... A deadline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear? When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga. I like to stay on top of current affairs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Italian say when he tested his first successful skunk perfume on a volunteer? You reek-uh!OC- as far as I know"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place? They always bring up the rear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m tired of people calling me a rapper. It’s simply not true! I always ask for my lovers’ consent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house... Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells \"Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night She leans in to my mom and says“When is Mother’s Day?” My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says “Nine months after fathers night”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please! I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea. I think they would have preferred cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog used to chase people on a bike. It got so bad. I had to take his bike away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baker say when she won an award? \"It was a piece of cake.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the headless horseman start work earlier than everyone else? He wanted to get ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a freshly fallen tree? Die Hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Creator looked upon Adam and spoke. \"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm going give you a brain and a penis.\" \"And the bad news?\" Adam asked. I'm going to give you enough blood,\" Goddeclared, \"to use only one of them at a time.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded... 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist gave me a pamphlet on anger management I lost it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck. I asked him if it tasted like quackers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded... 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why the earth sucks? Gravity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the half-assed programmer? Apparently he had a missing semi-colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Minion do to make himself more like his dad? He Gru!Credit to my niece who told me this while I was home visiting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Years Resolution this year was to be more selfless, but I gave up after four days. I realized that it isn’t for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to control population ? Google: Use a CondomBing: \\*Cocks Gun\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I lost 5 pounds.” “That’s good for your health!” The colombians disagree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!! Even years after hearing this, it's still my favorite winter joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It seems that today you either have to dress like a masculine motor king or a feminine flower queen; I wish there was a middle ground. A daisy duke if you will."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see son, grilling a good steak is a lot like you mom... Once it starts bleeding, it's time to flip her over to the brown side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who let the ghosts out?! Boo, boo-boo-boo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club? Tell everybody"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whoever coined the word \"lisp\" Was a real ath-hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was tanning on the beach with my son. After a while, he looked at me and said, \"You're look like a lobster.\"\"Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?\" I asked.He said, \"No, you're just really ugly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably The good players just won't come forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match... The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.It's because the cons outweigh the pros."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep.... It was a lamb-bikini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you die and get cremated, . . . you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was surprised to learn that stepping on a crack really breaks your mama's back and stepping on a line really breaks your father spine Unfortunately for me, my sister just stepped on a rock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches\" Where?\"1 o'clock\"1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out” A tortoise in the back shouts ” you bastard!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A software tester walks into a bar Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a French man walking on the beach? Philippe Philoppe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pushed a fan over It blew up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby cause 2 wongs don’t make a white"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread It was a cross-bread sandwich"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spooning leads to forking But if you fork the wrong dish, you could  get knifed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pirate go to the bathroom? Because he had to yarrinate"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Spanish teacher quit her job in the middle of our numbers lesson She left without a Tres"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA. Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea? Supreme Liter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baseball came through my window today It really hit home"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's masturbation called in the star wars universe? Hand Solo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!\" said Papa Bear. \"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!\" said Mama Bear.\"Please stop fighting,\" sobbed Baby Bear. \"It's Christmas.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream I was floating in a sea of Orange bliss. Too bad it was only a fanta sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grill master wanted to load up the grill with more BBQ, but he was running low on hot coals ... So, he decided not to brisket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation? **Pencil-vania!**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never use phrases from another language unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I tried cat for the first time yesterday Just kitten"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero. He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stupid knight won a jousting tournament. While awarding his prize, the king had to ask, \"How does such a dumb man win a contest like this one?\"The squire answered, \"All the points just go over his head.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the crab that could paint? There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintingsHis name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Cause you shouldn't press your luck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell if a vampire is sick? See if he's coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-boo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a nearsighted cowboy? Squint Eastwood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Madam, we brought your husband. He is very drunk,every time we lifted him he fell again. Wtf, where is his wheelchair?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A suicide bomb instructor is training a class. Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the Kardashians swim at the beach? Because plastic is bad for the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman \"Can I park here?\"  \"No,\" says the cop.  \"What about all these other cars?\"  \"They didn't ask!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the police attack the peaceful demonstration for Elijah McClain? They were told to fight violins with violence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players? They do it for the Experience."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a chemistry student is too stupid to learn about Oxygen, does that make him an oxymoron?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a problem with authority Nobody does what I tell them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never challenge death to a pillow fight unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful = Against the lawIllegal = A sick bird"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies. I think she's dumpling me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a really old OBGYN? A Gynosaur"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is a pain in the arse, but I'll always buy her flowers. Fucks with her hay-fever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Famous Last Words List your favorite ones. The one I liked the most when I was growing up:Tarzan: \"Who greased the vine?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do elements work out? The oxygym"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find. \"Excuse me miss,  I can't find my wife.  Can I to talk to you?\" He asked her.She said \"Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?\" I said \"Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The machine at the coin factory I work for stopped working. It doesn't make any cents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Larry Flynt, creator of Hustler Magazine, has died aged 78. His family have asked fans do not send flowers... ...but to send nudes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cover on my ironing board was wrinkled so I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of \"irony.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a human with a lot of patience? A doctor!-original joke invented by me (I hope at least someone gets it)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 7 year old niece didn't realize she made a joke while playing Star Wars with me. Me (Darth Vader): What have you done with those plans?!?    Her (Leia): It's over there in that little box.     Me: How can a disc fit in that little box?    Her: It was a floppy disc."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2019 is the first calendar year... Where the 24th was the end of May."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son says to his mum \"When i get older i want to be shot into space\" His mum says.. \"If your father had done what he was told, you would have been\"...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross Crop yield"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said “at least your knickers fit like a glove”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a School bus and a pineapple? The little pricks are on the outside of the pineapple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Robert Mueller like to drink? Just ice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t Crocodiles ever admit that they’re wrong? Cause they live in Da Nile"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I prefer to think of myself as a \"Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer\" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, \"stalker\" is such an ugly word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom got upset at me for mercy killing my brother when we were playing Call of Duty I don’t understand He didn’t even struggle when I pressed the pillow over his face"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor came over to help me with pulling out some unwanted trees Now I'm stuck with a bunch of ash-holes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread? Cut the ends and you will have endless bread"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An owl told me a joke It was a hoot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Pan would make a great comedian His jokes would never get old"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stupid knight won a jousting tournament. While awarding his prize, the king had to ask, \"How does such a dumb man win a contest like this one?\"The squire answered, \"All the points just go over his head.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided not to keep the skunk I bought and returned it to the vendor because... it didn't make scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication It's for Hispanic attacks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rhymes with orange? No it doesn’t!I checked the last time this was posted was 3 months ago!Btw it’s my cakeday :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a twig that won't stop looking in the mirror? A narcissistick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father in law said he felt so lucky that his daughter met such a great guy. But that relationship didn't work out so she settled for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies, now this?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife? The invitation said to look sharp."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: What's this vegetable called? Kid: An artichoke. Dad: Well, it may have choked Artie, but it won't choke Dad!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone has glued my pack of cards together-I don't know how to deal with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It's pasta bedtime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to your sister when she's crying? Are you having a Crisis?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm not that scary!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did a woman on death row pro long her execution? She couldn’t decide what to eat for her final meal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business. Here's the Amazon link to it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, \"You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women.\" The drunk says \"Great! Let's get started.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? (aka 'The 4:20 Joke' from How I Met Your Mother) [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick in your ass. (Featured in season 4, episode 20 : \"Mosbius Designs\", on the glorious HIMYM)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pile of cats?  A Meowtain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Actor: to be or not to be? ######Me: [aggressively shaking beehive]...sounds like more than two"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost. it left no tern unstoned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble. Disneyland sucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about buying a pillow from mypillow.com But then I realized it was *his* pillow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set Pretend that I have one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called? 'American'.Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TEACHER: Today you'll give an example of a pronoun each and form a sentence with it. JOHN: HERTEACHER: Ok, your sentence?  JOHN: Give her her book. It's hers. TEACHER: That's good. Yes who's next? DAVE: HIMTEACHER: Your Sentence?DAVE: Give him him book. It's hims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was brought to the police station to describe the suspect for a police sketch but is hesitant because the perpetrator was actually him. His conscience urges him to tell the truth. It might as well be his self-defining moment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an NCO in the Space Force? A stargeant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do farmers like to trade with? BeetCoin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. **That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many blood hungry vampires does it take to dress a wound? The answer's irrelevant as they all suck at it anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I learnt a boring fact about Kamikaze Its just plain suicide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic. He said: “Sure, knock yourself out!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently the government has several models to forecast how the pandemic will play out They should use scientists instead - they're not as pretty but they know a lot more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do would happen if pigs could fly? idk but the price of bacon would Skyrocket"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't salmon watch cable television? They prefer streams."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage. Given the number of assholes in the country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a black and white cow? Moo-latto"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy: \"WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?\" Waiter: \"Thats the soup sir\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Mufasa say to Simba when he pretended to be a tiger? Grrr, I know you lion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question. “Well you see,” The English teacher explained. “‘Life without parole’ is a phrase.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bought my wife a bunch of flowers for Mother's Day. She said \"I suppose you expect me to spread my legs for these?\"I replied \"why? Haven't you got a vase big enough?\"And that's how I ended up at the ER."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A married couple goes to a marriage Counsellor to work out some problems. The Counsellor sits them on the couch and says \"For starters, let's talk about something you both have in common.\" The husband says \"Well, neither of us suck dick.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my French teach how to say “I am tired.” She just called me fat and gay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would drive Tiger in the woods? A need for speed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbors have just moved 1000 miles to San Diego to beat Covid-19. Apparently they're SoCal distancing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A local beekeeper was selling his bees for 5 dollars each. \"5 dollars for a single bee?! That's ridiculous,\" I complained. \"Well, if you don't like the price, you can select from that hive over there, those are freebies.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My first job was mending typewriters in a factory, boring job but... The other employees where great characters..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently learnt the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'. I saw it written on a Glass Door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A butcher was selling a barrel of pork For 600 dollars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Daniel LaRusso is really turned on by smooth legs... Wax on, whacks off!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a Microsoft advent calendar... But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I may have Alzheimer’s disease ... but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up I always see Himalayan there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that  Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Bloods use as money? Crip-toe-currency"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you leave a pair of dentures in the freezer overnight? Frost bite"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman name his dog frost? Because frost bites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants? He liked high steaks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer. Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick? One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^There once was a [person] from [place]Whose [body part] was [special case].When [event] would occur,It would cause [him or her]To violate [law of time/space]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues? They were engaged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pregnant cows have so much energy? They're heavily calfinated"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a gross pig and a wizard have in common? Hogwarts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, \"For my first wish, I'd like to be rich.\" \"Okay, Rich,\" said the genie. \"What would you like for your second wish?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup Ma-SCARE-ya&nbsp;*^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers... ...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does everyone like the fisherman? He likes to keep it reel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Half way into my neck treatment, I got into this huge argument with my chiropractor. Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the US is getting back to normal after Covid19? There's been two mass shootings in the past week"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are a kidnapper’s favorite shoes? White Vans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All my life I've refused to wear perfume. But then an aggressive perfume-salesperson knocked some scents into me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate father in laws So I only date black girls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said \"Remove cap and push up bottom\" It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons Everything is positive after that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think I’m gonna go to school to become an elevator mechanic... ...although I’ve heard the job has some serious ups and downs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens. He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the motto of the American Writers Guild? YOU ESSAY! YOU ESSAY!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia? Narco Polo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bull that got stuck in a door? Adoorabull"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I'm sad I cut myself A slice of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most common food eaten in an airport? Plane Bagels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my parents might be meth heads. The tooth fairy keeps taking my money and leaving behind teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling? Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday... They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over. I think I missed Mike ache day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ad agencies use Meiosis? Because sex cells!I thought of this during biology earlier lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry She really loved that cat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime? I think they just ransomware."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the crowd boo at the comedian when he lost at boxing? He didn't use his punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With no sight of water in this vast desert we've been storing our urine in a bottle , but last night it was stolen... Now that's just taking the piss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event. But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl, are you the secant of angle Z? Cuz you sure are sec(Z)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Americans have a terrible sense of humour I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The inventor of sliced bread Is likely the one that cut the cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street? Jaywalking"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rich people start their meals by saying \"Bless us oh Lord for these thine gifts...\" Poor people say \"Ramen.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The doctor says I lost 25% of my grip after I fractured my arm RIP"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle. Mem-Oreo Day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad. The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him \"do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?\"The snail said \"No I don't. It happened so fast:-(\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A gentleman walks into a store tells the sales associate “I need an anniversary gift. Do you have any perfume?” Lady shows him a bottle, he asks “how much?” She replies “$50”. He asks for a cheaper bottle. She shows him another bottle. “How much?”, “$20” she replied. He asks again “anything cheaper? She shows him a mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got fired from da carpet factory. I can't understand it. I kept telling dem how much I love working on da rugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, we used to refer to the People's Republic of China as \"commies.\" Now they are \"dot commies.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m like that one stray stream of water from the shower head... The people who turn me on hate me the most."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the leper baseball match cancelled? People started throwing hands"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album! The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tf2 engineer keep twitching? Because he had turrets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have the best way to deal with my gf When she starts bitching about shit, I just take my schizophrenia meds and she straight up leaves me alone for a full day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? They have no hands to knock on the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative. I told him I was positive.  He told me to stay home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know if a fisherman is rich? Check his net income."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many abominable snow monsters does it take to screw a lightbulb? Just one, but you have to believe in it first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, \"Can I have a bookmark?\" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the cemetery so popular? People are just dying to get in there!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a concert for just 45 cents, it featured 50 Cent and Nickelback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sales are down, so my boss asked why the greeting cards aren't moving. I told him it's because they are stationary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor... Then I thought of all the training."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Look Dad! The clowns are leaving the circus to go get food!\" \"Son how many times do I have to tell you? Those are called *Senators* leaving the *Capitol*\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lately I've been getting turned on every time I see someone cut in two on my tv shows So yeah I guess I'm bisectual"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista. It was a regular French roast.*edit \"went\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the coolest disease to die from? Hypothermia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What profession does the best networking? Fishermen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t plant flowers... ...if you haven’t botany."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Cellos are brown Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A little old lady was sitting on a park bench when I approached her, opened my raincoat and exposed myself to her. \"Hello!\" I grinned, pointing to my genitals, \"do you know what this is?\" She adjusted her glasses, squinted for a moment and said, \"Yes! It looks just like a penis -- only *much* smaller.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a tractor and a giraffe? One has hydraulics, the other has high bollocks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped. And I think it's going to be a long, long time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning. The woman behind the counter asked, \"How would you like your eggs cooked.\" \"Does it affect the price?\" I said. \"No, not at all.\" she replied. \"In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What price did the inventor of the knock-knock joke win? The No-bell price"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Tortoise's wife leave him for the Rabbit? Real men come second."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a girl who told me that she is an autism specialist. Turns out she works at Gamestop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me...” So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. ~Rodney Dangerfield"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you rearrange the letters of Postmen they get very angry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is peter pan always flying? Because he neverlands"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the Google team hide the dead bodies of their competitors ? The query"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grizzly bear can jump higher than a house. Mainly because houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody set an alarm... ... To wake up green day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing. I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn't belong? The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't Bolivia Peru-v it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How am I similar to the Earth ? We both rotate around our own ex(s)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a vacuum cleaner? The Harley holds the dirtbag on the outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If i get a dollar for every time i masturbate. Nutting can stop me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge: \"So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?\" Robot, the defendant: \"Guilty as charged\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Gorillas have large nostrils? Why do Gorillas have large nostrils?Fat Fingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make number one disappear? You flush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I literally only know two phone numbers 911 and J.G. Wentworth’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the ghost depressed? Because it was a nobody"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic... It was really awkward asking them for a hanger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon? A pheasant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet. I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rock climbing rabbi? Mountain Jew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest. Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.\"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?\"\"Get out of here. I'm pooping!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cucumber said to the other cucumber? Nothing. Cucumbers don't speak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo mamma's so fat that... ...when she got covid the CDC classified it a super spreader event."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why a surgeon never tell a joke It was a inside joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do birds always congregate on power wires? So they can hang out with their friends online."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A waterbender, a firebender, an airbender and an earthbender walk into a bar He orders a pint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr Green lives in The Green House. Mr Blue lives in The Blue House. Mrs Pink lives in The Pink House. Who lives in The White House? Mr Orange."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like my bra sizes like I like my wrestlers Triple H"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do mummy and daddy ghosts take their babies during the day? Day scare."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we \"be positive\", but it's hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why can't you ever run through a campsite? A: You can only ran - it's always past tents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do crabs never share their lobsters? They're shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Simpson's character does the best power points ? Slideshow Bob"}
{"character": "random", "line": "a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never take advice from electrons. They are always negative."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here's one you might know... There once was a man from Peruwho dreamed he was eating his shoehe woke with a fright in the middle of the nightto find that his dream had come true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when it started raining coins? It started knocking some sense into the world"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do catholic nuns have more clothes than other nuns? Because their clothes are mass produced..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forest Gump's favorite kind of pasta? Penne"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “why the long face?” The horse replies, “This was my best friend’s favorite place.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man goes to the cardiologist \"So, how many beers do you have per day?\" the cardiologist asked.\"Four,\" the man responded.\"But last time I said you could only have two!\"\"Yes, but my physician also said I could have two.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my son asked me why his teddy bear didn’t need to eat. I said why, he said Because he’s stuffed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic. Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My guacamole turned out blue instead of green :/ I accidentally bought Avatardos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!” He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts He now makes me pay in advance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after sex. Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bored trampoline jumper say? \"Okay, bye. I'm gonna bounce now.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm addicted to buying hatchets from other countries because of the smell. I just love Foreign Axe Scents**Taken from Axe Junkies facebook group I'm in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February. I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does a zoophile go-to polish his instruments? In his lab"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought “I can’t turn that down”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out? I think they would really bond"}
{"character": "random", "line": "ME: do you like Dick Tracy? **HER:** Yes, but it’s Sharon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the lamb tell the other lamb that it had a crush on her? Sheepishly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the littler flower? Hi, bud!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man gets arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia The man says, “Wait! I can explain everything!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two criminals stole a calendar They got six months each"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ready for a COVID-19 Silver Lining? I might actually get social security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anytime I ask a girl with a boyfriend to watch my favorite movie with her, she always ends up being a Liam Neeson fan “No, Taken”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never knew my wife could have so much fun with a cucumber, a banana and a coke bottle Until I saw how happy she was making my lunch today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ... I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin? Because only a Sith deals in absolutes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't Do It In The Dark Roses are redViolets are blueI applied it to the headThought it was lubeNow my hand's stuck to the endTurns out it was glueSorry if I'm leaving you on readRight arm's down to my nudeFor hours I've been on my bedMy folks ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke I came up with at a resturaunt, at night :) I love how the sun doesn't get cancelled even when it throws shade at everyone?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never understood how Ty Lee joined the Kyoshi warriors at the end of Avatar. That's like if the United States hired Nazi rocket scientists to work on our space program after WW2 ended."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hang around after a yoga class? Because, none must stay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What chairs do drummers use to drum in? A rocking chair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying \"Awoman\"... I mean, I know that \"Amen\" comes from Hebrew and means \"so be it\", and therefore \"Awoman\" would make no sense in Hebrew.In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what... I'm a gril who can't raed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a parking lot with only two spaces It’s really a parking little."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man named Rick went shirt shopping with his wife and asked her: \\- What size should I pick?\\- Pick L, Rick.Haha that's the funniest s\\*\\*t I've ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die.. It's on my baguette list...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a dad joke cost $1000? When it's a granddad joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed? A: It was very sweepy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are mountains so good at telling jokes? Because they're hill areas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters'PNEIS'and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors today while rest are on Reddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Liam Neeson make such good pancakes? He has a very particular set of skillets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't mean to brag.... but cashiers are always checking me out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book. Now, they've got cameras"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm.... It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my patients forgot their stool sample today I guess some people just don’t give a shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whomever broke into my shop and stole three hundred cans of Red Bull: I don't know how you can sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...? We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult \"toy\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say being a waiter is a bad job... ... but, hey, it puts food on the table."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.That was just the tip of the iceburg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only drink on days beginning with \"T\" Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter? “Hey, you focaccia bread!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only weakness Superman has on the internet is.. krypto-currency"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke about a shutdown coin factory. Nevermind.It makes no cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pulled a muscle digging for gold. It was just a miner injury."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An owl has taken control of my elderly mothers estate recently I guess that’s the power of a tawny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Putin on a trip. Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:Agent: age?Putin: 66Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lazy people fact #2048290320389220192842991 You were too lazy to read that number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, \"That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do clowns store files? They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "r/jokes now has a discord channel! Great!! Now I can see reposted jokes in real-time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We always called our teacher Turtle Because he Tortoise (Taught us).Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gaming projectile was thrown by John Barrowman’s “Doctor Who” character to pass the time while he was traveling along the Congo River? The Dart of Harkness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Kraft’s lawyer: It’s gonna cost you a whole lot more for me to get you off, big guy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances. Epson didn't kill itself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't the Government let chickens build their own houses? Because they'll make a coup.Original... hopefully"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I traveled to London last summer I overheard a couple in a cafe. Girl goes, \"I can’t be arsed today. I’m on my period!\" \"Well, that's a bloody problem.\" he says."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why a surgeon never tell a joke It was a inside joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a chemist say when he comes out of the closet for being bisexual? Iodine, Americium, Bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what they say about bathrooms... That's where shit goes down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a duck that can't sing? Drake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone asked me if I'd ever given a sterile guy a blowjob, so I racked my brain trying to remember if I had. Alas, I just kept drawing blanks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net. All he caught were catfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you a USB port? Because I might have to flip you over a few times before it fits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a bored trampoline jumper say? \"Okay, bye. I'm gonna bounce now.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the funniest fish? A piranha-ha-ha.In fact, it hurt itself laughing so hard, it had to see a sturgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle and one snail turns to the other and says \"Hold on, friend. Here we go!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a moose with two legs shorter than the others? Mussolini"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge? John Wickipedia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the Chicago Cubs Thanks, you've doomed us all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seed say to the flower? Okay Bloomer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is r/Jokes like a fencing match? ... because you usually win with a riposte!(This terrible pun is wholly original, so far as I know. Thus it will die in infamy without upvotes)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a piece of paper with a Bull on it? Bullsheet.Yeah it’s really bad I know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes into a Pharmacist and asks for some silicon dioxide The Pharmacist says \"we don't sell that\".He replies \"But you have loads in the window\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean? He uses Comet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's easier to get from Trump than a stimulus check? A pardon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got locked out of my house on Hoth and had to sleep with my Tauntaun... ...was actually pretty comfy, my only complaint was that he was luke-warm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please. There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When medieval armies went off to war... were they playing for keeps?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that's just my two scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which side of a leopard has more spots? The outside"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two farmers meet at their fence line. They start arguing about who is the better farmer as they compare crops. They wave down a passerby and ask, \"sir, who do you think is a better farmer?\" They looks at them and says, \"It's hard to say, you're both outstanding in your fields.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My university is so concerned about the environment.. They've been recycling past papers since 87'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A C++ error walks into a bar... A C++ error walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at it and says \"I'm sorry, but we don't serve bugs here\". The error replies \"But I'm an EXCEPTION!\"Haaaaaaaaaa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft? They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s? His last surgery was gut wrenching."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock -Who's there?Eye makeup-Eye makeup who?Did you flush?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are a pig's favourite past time? Bakin'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girls call me ugly until they see my wallet. Then they call me ugly AND poor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I feel so self-conscious when I'm at home It's difficult dealing with all the *stairs*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example: \"Fishing stick\" instead of \"Fishing rod\"\"Tropical tree\" instead of \"Palm tree\"\"Ant-licker\" instead of \"Uncle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked. Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visited North Korea over the summer, but had to leave one of my bags there. On the bright side, that raised their GDP by 0.5%"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night i opened my window and let all mosquitoes in. Then i slept outside. This is called confusing the enemy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday Christian Bail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "China and reddit's societies are similar Opinions aren't allowed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why where there two dudes in a ambulance Cause they were a pair-a-medics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Turns out, I’m allergic to latex … I learned that one the hard way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday. I'm expecting a long sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate? Coco pebbles.I hate this joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t like diseases. I avoid diseases like the plague."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight is the protector of food? Sir Anwrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Late night At an empty gas station a man fills up his car and pays for the fuel... He gets into the car and grips the steering wheel tightly before saying: now only one of us is empty.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Anakin Skywalker's favorite baseball team? The Padres!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a convenience store and asks \"Can I have a can 'o dew?\" Store clerk tells him, \"No can dew\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease. Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet. Man: the 3P diet? What's that?Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini Man: but doctor, why?Doctor: because they fit under the door"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our safe word Is flower. But she keeps saying flour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, \"First offender?\"The woman replies, \"No judge, first a Gibson, then a Fender!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ... Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike."}
{"character": "random", "line": "No matter who you vote tonight to become our next president.. there is going to be a blonde sitting in the Oval Office in about 3 months.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins **Phoebe:****Joey:****Chandler:****Monica:****The monkey:****Rachel:****Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats in common with spinach soup and butts3x ? If you were forced to try it as a kid chances are you won't like it as an adult"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your momma so dumb she tried to climb Mountain Dew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, I think I wanna become a farmer. I’d get so many chicks..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "98% percent of the population is stupid. Luckily I’m part of the 3%."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last time I went fishing I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don't quite remember the rest of the day. All I really know is that I pulled a mussel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle I responded, “That’s not right.”With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a collection of weapons kept for the purpose of burning down buildings? An arsonal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I must congratulate my Niece. She has just passed he mouth Organ test.Well done our Monica....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters'PNEIS'and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors today while rest are on Reddit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach? it's not hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Mexican Owl? Hoolio"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces? So you know that it's time to change the channel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom. Probably cause the audience is shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re still in the mood for snail jokes: A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back. The host asks him, \"And what are you?\" The man says \"I'm a snail.\" The host says, \"And who's that on your back?\" and the man says, \"That's Michelle!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How long does it take to make butter? An echurnity! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party. Now I'm homeless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Melinda moved out of Bills mansion the other day... I hope someone remembered to update their drivers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name. And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it... I guess as long as I live with  my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning? Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?They worked inter-mitten-ly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't tax accountants have a sense of humor? Because jokes aren't deductible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was very proud of myself today. I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's.His mom beat the shit out of me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is relative humidity? The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me. Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Has anyone read the book, \"Cum Stains on Her Pillow\" By Mr. Completely"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Gates is the best person to deal with a pandemic He's been dealing with viruses since Windows 95"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the homicidal vegetarian say? I would kale for some salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Club manager: Your last joke was so bad it put the audience to sleep. What do you plan to do about it? Comedian: Copyright it and sell it as a cure for insomnia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East? Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white. Surely we don't need that many guards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location, they have reached hash equilibrium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get it off of a Swan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a self-help book on the importance of being able to let things go. I can't put it down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part about having a lung transplant? Coughing up someone else's phlegm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea. One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint. They collide...All the survivors were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "‘Dad, are we pyromaniacs?’ ‘We arson’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the most tragic event where 1/4 of the human population died? Apparently, it happened when Abel was murdered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the runner who pooped his pants during a race? He didn't win, but he did finish number two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound? To make the Eschar go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold. I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is there never a food shortage on the planet of Tatooine? Because of the abundance of sand which is there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that Judas turned state’s evidence against the lord? He had to go into the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At school one day, a bully told me I had a face only a mother could love. I went home and found out I was adopted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister got captured by terrorists while vacationing in Iraq But I guess jihad it coming"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the longest word in the English language? \"smiles\"...The first and last letters are a mile apart"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out about the second meaning of BBC.... Who cares about British television?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Denzel say to the thick wire entering his house’s circuit breakers box ? Mah main...!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I did two tours in Afghanistan and one in Iraq Thank you for the applause! Not enough people appreciate sex tourists."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Axe should make a deodorant called \"English.\" Then if you wear it you can say you have an \"English Axe scent.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what they say about the French royal family? It was a good idea on paper but they lost their heads in the execution."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, did you get a haircut No, I got them all cut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman arrested 2 boys yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy driving in front of me didn't indicate, so I screamed at the top of my lungs. He said, \"Calm down, mate. Otherwise you can leave my taxi.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mario's Jeans What kind of jeans does Mario wear?*(in appropriate melody)* Denim, denim, denim..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article? You’re in for a nasty surprise - No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl, you’re like steam. Too hot, but I’ll try touching you anyway.^^^^^.^^^^^.^^^^^.(This is just a joke. Dont actually do this.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg? No? Well, she is all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I reported my great grandfather to the ASPCA! He told me that during his years as a pilot in WWII, he was involved in what he called \"dogfighting\". How cruel can you be?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I’m terrified of owls Therapist: Who?Me: *Screams*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best time of day? 6:30, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the corner shop - bought four corners"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do lazy farmers grow? Couch potatoes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"What's your name, son?\" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, \"D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.\" \"Do you have a stutter?\" the principal asked. The student answered, \"No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Oberyn Martell's favorite cartoon? Popeye"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pizzeria on a golf range? Pizza Putt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife is a weather forecaster... A guy called up asking if the coast was clear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and has four wheels? It's grass, I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It used to be free to fill your tires with air now it costs $1.50! Now that's what you call inflation!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf. Then suddenly the penne dropped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the drum player commit suicide after being charged with homicide? He couldn't handle the repercussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock. Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?Me:No he wants to become one to"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he \"hunts tigers in Africa.\" When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies \"that's because I do my job\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please! I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a triangle with angles 42.0°, 69° and 69°? A Nice-osceles triangle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bank robbery committed by a ghost? A Polterheist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How big is a paedophile's closet? It's pretty spacey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the boos!!!!Happy Halloween redditors!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between jam and jelly? Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The owl asked the most introspect question ever. Who are you???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention... Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic... ...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the hospital? Because it wasn't peeling well.credit to my 5 y/o niece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did You Watch The New Comic Book Movie? It was very graphic!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy driving in front of me didn't indicate, so I screamed at the top of my lungs. He said, \"Calm down, mate. Otherwise you can leave my taxi.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the space rock eat the hamburger? It wanted to be meteor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success. Apparently, they don't give a shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of phone does an animal crossing character have A nookia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To my future wife and widow : when I die I want you to mix my ashes with a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so that I can tear that ass up one more time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zipper say to the dick? Wanna hang out?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times I’m lack toast intolerant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the space alien tell Franz Schubert? \"Take me to your Lieder!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, \"I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled\"The clerk replies in disgust, \"It's just regular porn, you sick fuck\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it. Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you add whiskey to a drink and raise the price... The drink got Jacked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just came home from my first paleontology party where we spent the night searching for the lower leg bone of a new dinosaur. It was quite the shin dig."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a tenured professorship. My area of expertise is mosquito bites. It’s one hell of a niche."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said: Hey!  I was going to eat that,  now it's going to taste like cucumber!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out. Her kids don't help either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do making love in a canoe and Michelob Ultra have in common? They are both fucking close to water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the colors green, pink, and yellow have in common? The phone rings green....green.....green! So you pink it up and say yellow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?” Dude 2: \"brochure\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's bacon's favorite movie? Grease"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad They had great chemistry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men are sitting on a park bench And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them.    Then the dog starts licking its balls. The men watch for a moment and one says  \"Gosh, I wish I could do that.\"   The other says  \"Well, you'd better pet him a little first.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German man goes on holiday to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions\"Name?\"\"Hans Schmidt\"\"Age?\"\"32\"\"Place of birth?\"\"Dusseldorf\"\"Occupation?\" \"No, jus... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moovies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many people are dead in a cemetery? All of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn't any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Reese eat cereal? Witherspoon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said. So I gather."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why. Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? He got mugged!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a loaf of bread with 1500 horsepower? A Baguetti"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers. Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply? Pb & J."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the cow scared Because its life was at steak!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say drinking one beer a day can prevent you from having a psychotic break, which is great... ...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pillow fight The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a rappers favourite toy? A yo yo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife bought me a Lego car set to build and it said +3 years in the box. I got the last laugh, I finished it in 2."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt. That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy says to a girl on tinder “You can call me the GOAT” “Why? Cause you’re the greatest of all time?” “No, cause I’m gonna eat your bush”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Almost got on a television show once.... So pissed they cancelled COPS"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \\*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to Order Soup A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, \"I think I will have the turtle soup.\"The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, \"Hold the turtle, make it pea!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I asked a bomb defusion specialist about the stresses of his job... ...he said there aren't any because either he's right or it's suddenly not his problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home ...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake walk into an ancient temple that has been lost for centuries. They blow it up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a duck mating a pillow the other day... I guess it was DTF"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chuck Norris has a bear rug No it's not dead it's just too scared to move"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting. I think I am understanding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money Turns out she was right! Now I work as a crossing guard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to. Where Anne Hathawill,Anne Hathaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met someone with Parkinson's disease. He was great at shaking hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hammerhead shark do on his test? He nailed it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much should you spend on a bottle of wine ? I don't know...maybe 15 minutes!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "i was just reading the obituary of a carmelite nun who turned away from a life of prostitution after seeing a vision of the virgin mary. she went out with a wimple and not a bang."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses in a Vase, Violets on a Shelf Jeffery Epstein did not kill himself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump and Mike Pence are running around the White House… After they finish their lap they check their stopwatch which says 10:38,Mike Pence asks if thats a white house record, Trump says no Bush did 9:11"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones.. ..they make me feel even number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boss tells a blonde applicant, \"I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?\" Blonde: \"In three months.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning. His mother was furious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my first shot. I’ll get my second one as soon as I get the bartender’s attention"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: Do you want something to drink? Me: We've got this new soda called 'Princess Di.' It'\bs a tribute to Princess DianaFriend: Got anything else?Me: Just Mountain Dew.Friend: So those are my only two options?Me: It's Dew or Di."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does texas have no power? Democrats stole the electrons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's been some time since I saw any good event What do you mean, Don't you wear a pair of eye-glasses  So?  Don't you see a SPECTACLE every day?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you mix Donald trump and a jew Orange juice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can someone help me with my vegetable soup? I can’t seem to fit the wheelchair into the pot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire Spoiler alert"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the rabbit's childhood? It's a hare-raising tale!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid asks his mother: \"how come im black and youre white?\" She replies: \"listen, the way i remember that party, youre lucky you dont bark.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf Just Kuwait and sea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s to the east of Westeros? Westos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable? SQUASH"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad if he could put the cat out. He replied, \"I didn't know it was on fire.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, \"That's arson.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the banana go to the hospital? He wasn't peeling well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, \"You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking.\" \"Now settle down,\" the doctor calmly told him. \"You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What music do mummies like? Wrap music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites. It's called Fake Newsies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A limerick about my life right now I might soon be resting in clover,At the end of my days as a rover.But I'm still not appeasedWhether I've got disease,Or just that I'm really hungover."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News - Devon and Cornwall Music Festival The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival due to take place this weekend has had to be cancelled.   They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass. Just abominable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.” And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles. The librarian asks \"hard back?\"The guy replies \"yeah little heads too.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Drake gets cocky, he calls me so I can hit him with a one-liner insult to keep him humble... I’m his Hotline Zing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin... I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had so much fun doing surgery I might become a surgeon one day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Could I be a judge in a Jewish religious court? No, not in this Dayan age."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The prices of memory on the internet are too goddamn high They just ram over my budget"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flowers have sex? Florally"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother always had an amazing way with words. One day, I gave her a call after my grandfather had been put into a retirement home. I asked her how he was doing, she said, “He’s like a fish out of water.” I asked, “Is he finding it hard to fit in?” And she replied, “No, he’s dead.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Turns out having Rick Astley work at a video rental shop is a bad idea. We had a lot of complaints of him never giving anyone Up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an interview Barbara Walters asks OJ Simpson if he thinks he will ever be married again... He says, \"I don't know... One of these days, I might take another stab at it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grandpa tells his teen grandson: \"I will put 100 dollars under your pillow if you can find me a viagra pill right now\". Ten minutes later grandson gives grandpa a viagra pill. Next morning grandson looks under his pillow and finds 1,100 dollars. He goes to grandpa and says: \"Grandpa what happened? Why did you give me 1,000 dollars more?\" and grandpa says: \"I only gave you 100 dollars. The rest is from your granny\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rabbit that is closer to the sunrise than you? An East-er bunny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't digital images of Bob Marley scalable? Because they're all rasta graphics."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my English teacher is a dinosaur Because he said he is a walking thesaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old lady is at tea and her host asks \"Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?\" \"Oh no,\" shudders the old lady, \"I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't Chinese people care about mass surveillance? Because after the 1 child policy, nobody remembers what a big brother is, anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't use Cops to protect the Capitol building! Use barbers and hairdressers, the threat of a shave, shampoo and haircut should have most of them running for the hills!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purrrrple. OC from my 6yo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is the most desired summer body this year? The antibody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book. Now, they've got cameras"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once woke up in the middle of an operation. “Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angle that’s gotten into a car crash? A rectangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a little kid, I thought \"This little piggy went to market.\" meant it went shopping. It does not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The sheepshank is clearly superior to the fisherman's eye KNOT"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an athlete doing drugs ? A Speed runner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, \"Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel.\"The patient says, \"My name isn't Daniel.\"The doctor says, \"Mine is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently I know next to nothing about the Middle East Looks like I’ve been living under Iraq."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our safe word Is flower. But she keeps saying flour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It looks like Sean \"Spicy\" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony \"Scary\" Scaramucci I wonder who the next replacement will be \"Sporty\", \"Baby\", \"Ginger\" or \"Posh\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I got bitten in the park by a huge dog Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small childMe: I could have fought off a small child, Alice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got vaccinated! Nothing special really, but you do get tired and just want to go home and browse Internet Explorer or Edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like leaving receipts in my pockets It reminds me of when I had money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just made a bran cereal with edibles in it High 'n Fibre"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A French computer scientist has come up with a quick way of transferring files electronically. It’s called a Pierre to Pierre network."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the golf match between the black golfer and white golfer from South Africa? Birdie on the last hole would have won the match for the black golfer, but a par tied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal say to the sea turtle? Can you please scute?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did a cheating snail say to his slug wife Sorry but i love Michelle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a scarecrow drink his juice? With a straw!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, \"What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?\" The guy says, \"It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. Sure, I said. My door is always open."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blind man trips on a bottle That's all.Didn't see that one coming, did ya?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My stomach hurts, but if it's guilt or impacted stool, I can't tell. Either way, I'm so full of shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a priest and a wire coat hanger? According to the church only one of them harms children."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:  \"I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An accountant made a tinder, what’s in his bio? Gentleman in the streets, and a freak in the excel spreadsheets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with \"disappearing ink\" a hoax."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hopefully everyone delivering quads today sees their opportunity... \"May the 4th be with you\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I don't want a brain transplant But he changed my mind"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are you made of gold, 2 titanium sulfur and carbon? Because you’re autistic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doth Abraham not bringeth his grain to the spelling bee? For it was already spelt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend just became an American citizen, but he was forced to give up his Chinese citizenship. It’s been a real disorienting experience for him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright? Yeah, he will be 0K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Trump terrorist who tried to blow up a car? He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's indivisible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going down on my girlfriend She kept trying to guide me to the right spot.\"A little to the left, no, right a bit, go down, up a little..\"I stopped what I was doing and said, \"Just tell me what you want, I'm tired of eating around the bush!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't play loud music on any instrument. It's just not my forte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just learned that “fan” is short for “fanatic”. .....I guess that explains why my ceiling fan is so attached."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar. The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. \"Not at all\", I replied. \"What are the odds of both of us being killers?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You hear about the snail who had to call a tow truck? He couldn't make 'is car go"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, \"You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women.\" The drunk says \"Great! Let's get started.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them. I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A reporter asked trump what the letter J in Donald.J.Trump stands for ? He replied \" Jenius\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where's John? Ted: Hey Joe, why ain't John working with us today?Joe: He's in the hospital.Ted: That's impossible, I saw him just yesterday dancing with a stripper!Joe: Yeah, his wife saw him too..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a blood test. Was told my blood type is O negative? Do you know what that means? Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "UK is a very generous country It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you drop a coin in water? It becomes a sunk cost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I'll have a stack of 24 pancakes, please Waitress: That's a tall order!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a COVID denier Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch? Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar... Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860 Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yknow if a guy remembers your eye color after the first date, chances are you’ve got small tits"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien? E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working” “If your name is Michael, please stand up”  Then a couple dudes stand up  And he goes   “That concludes the mike check” stolen from twitter  @ cheyrubi"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cuddly toys never eat? Because they are stuffed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni Change"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have always thought that the second letter in the word “Hive” is quite beautiful, after all ..... Beauty is in the I of the bee holder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and a homeschooler got into an argument about the education system. He went on a rant about how education in America is broken and asked me, \"who's running the education system?\"\"Your mom,\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the woman say after she was hit on by the Pillsbury Doughboy? \"No thanks. I'm not into roll play.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't care how great owls are I'm not throwing some stupid party over a superb owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't auto repair shops fix golf carts? Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar.. The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the  bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, \"I'm not serving you!  You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're  about to start something.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies? A swallow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the cheese wantto get sliced? It had grater plans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to? Plymouth rock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don't even know where he got someone else's feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I should have known the cemetery sale was a scam. I mean, it was a dead giveaway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build its house  Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm sure I bought a pair of camo pants. But I've looked all over my house and I can't find them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German is trying to to make his way to Paris At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?”“Hans Mueller.”“Place of residence?”“Munich.”“Occupation?”“No, just vacation this time.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see each country has its own currency In the US they have the dollarIn the UK they have the pound In the EU they have the euroIn Australia they have toilet paper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump Do you know what he'd call them?Fake Nudes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania... ..and clicked 'add to cart'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine a group of scientists have forcibly tied you down and begun extracting thoughts directly from your brain for study. How should you react in this situation? Don’t stress too much. It’s just a thought experiment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months. \"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!\"You mean 9 months.\"Ken is 24 months!\" Deborah, he's 2.\"My baby is -26 weeks old!\"No, Karen, you miscarried."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really like vaping... It's a good way to blow off steam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two flies are sat on a dog poo. One of them breaks wind, and the other says…. Do you mind! I’m eating!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mate has just won an award for beating another 12 men in a bait digging contest.He has now been crowned. The master baiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me \"Ha ha ha! My illegal tree cutting business is working!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama. Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says \"Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?\"She smiles and says, \"Yale.\"He says, \"YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German soldier, Japanese soldier, and Italian soldier were interrogated A German soldier said he would not speak, but he did. The Japanese soldier said he would resist, but he spoke, and the Italian soldier was the only one who did not speak. When they asked him how he resisted, he said \"my hands were tied\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: Do you want something to drink? Me: We've got this new soda called 'Princess Di.' It'\bs a tribute to Princess DianaFriend: Got anything else?Me: Just Mountain Dew.Friend: So those are my only two options?Me: It's Dew or Di."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have a friend that was great at golf. They had a stroke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Woke up to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, I was petrified."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products. It’s true, this is something you can’t make up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd Apparently that’s frowned upon in bowling"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin? When around both, one eventually stops moving.Forgive me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called? 'American'.Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area. This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer... Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Arab Nations say when Iran blockaded the Strait of Hormuz? OMAN..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clarence the brown-nosed reindeer. He was right behind Rudolf, he could fly just as fast as him, but could never stop as quick as Rudolf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why hasn’t baseball returned from covid shutdown? They are unable to test all the bats"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Babies are like pancakes You have every right to throw the first one away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase? Man, he petty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two forms of English The queen's English and spelling mistakes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An emo became a perfect film editor he made very accurate cuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I live in MD and the governor is all “Don't go to the bar. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.” Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Oh honey, are you the Middle East?\" \"Because you are one screwed-up mess, but I can't resist getting involved!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom? Because he wanted a meatier shower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red,violets are blue If you were expecting a generic meme fuck you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you throw away your receipt before leaving Costco You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the flower prostitute say to her client? ¨You want floral?¨"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband and wife are laying in bed reading Man says\" honey can you tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time?\"Wife says \" you have the biggest penis out of all your friends\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers He just wanted to put them in their place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape I'm always running out of ideas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher to student: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar, how many dollars would you have? Student: One dollar.Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.Student: You don't know my father.(Credit: The Three Stooges)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It is not polite to call people White Trash The proper label is white non-recyclablesYeah ok it's not great but it's what I got"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read a book about Oedipus and Midas. It was mother fucking gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you make 10 drawings, you’re not an artist And if you cook 10 meals, you’re not a chefBut if you kill ONE person..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "'How To Cope With Disappointment' ;-) Saw a sign outside of an office building which said\"Today's workshop 'How To Cope With Disappointment' has been cancelled\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Derek and Brian are having a drink together. \"You used to play football, didn't you?\" Brian asks Derek.\"Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40.\" replies Derek.\"So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?\" asks Brian.\"I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf.\" answers Derek."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are helium, curium, and barium the medical elements? Because if you can't heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you lift an elephant with one hand? You can't, elephant only have feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did everyone enjoy being around the volcano? It's just so lava-ble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I'm not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Mother lived to be 98 years old, and SHE never needed glasses.. She preferred to drink straight from the bottle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was out shoveling snow with my kid the other day... He kept whining about why I wasn't using the shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hard worker got a promotion. Thats the joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a female turtle masturbating? A Squirtle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a serious man with a scythe that sneaks around outside people’s windows? The grim peeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back. Its going to be called \"Liquor in the front, poker in the back\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom. A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you guys hear that Old Navy has been using fake wool? They can't pull the polyester over our eyes anymore!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A judge called me egotistical and conceited I think I'm appealing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar. The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you comb a bee's hair? With a honeycomb!I'm sorry I found this joke on a popsicle stick please forgive me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is prostitution illegal? Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As my beloved grandfather would always say: I’d rather have a bottle in front of me... ...than a frontal lobotomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the writer who became a baker? They say he makes excellent synonym rolls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms. I thought they weren't open till Monday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you. The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.(heard on a Twitch stream today)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A clock maker had new students come to his workshop today. As he was in the middle of one of his projects he told them to always remember one thing to do when he was at work. To watch and learn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300. I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common? Their days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shredder finally defeated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. All he had to do is to throw a box of plastic straws to the sewer system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough. You make me sick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer. The truth is, it is just an asshole!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did i do to escape Iraq? IranDon’t worry this story Israel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I phoned in sick today \"Exactly how sick are you?\"\"Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? (aka 'The 4:20 Joke' from How I Met Your Mother) [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick in your ass. (Featured in season 4, episode 20 : \"Mosbius Designs\", on the glorious HIMYM)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born. To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a religious rabbit? A pray animal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself.. .. this isn't for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you seen the floods in Paris? It's inseine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene? To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Santa measure things? In santameters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, \"Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!\" Mods said I'm a cereal reposter..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Warning to all men about eBay. Be careful what you buy on eBay.If you buy stuff on line, be sure tocheck out the seller carefully.I just spent £95 + postage,on a penis enlarger.Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.The only instructions said, \"Do not use in sunlight.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shredder finally defeated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. All he had to do is to throw a box of plastic straws to the sewer system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team? She swallowed a fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Clinton says \"Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?....... She says \"sure\"... and goes in there.  Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.Monica says \"That's not a clock\".  To which Bill replies \"It is if you put two hands and a face on it\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show... \"I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Snoop Doggs favorite part of grilling? The sizzle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments. I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad goes to a reasturant Waiter: have you decided what you will be having tonight?Dad: hi,yes ill be having the rabbit stewWaiter: alrightDad: hey waiter,theres a hare in my stew!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind? Thought knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my kids to the shooting range today. But they said I had to use the paper targets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6yo told me a dad joke: What kind of key has no lock? A turkey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad has colon cancer It's shitty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the butcher if he had any tripe. He gave me a box set of ‘Love Island’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks... I asked my cat and she said, \"Meow\". No help.I asked my bird and he said, \"Tweet\". Useless.I asked my dog and they said \"Rhytidome, you buffoon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an \"empowered woman\" But when I do it I'm \"gay\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer. She was killed... by a giant crab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the Samsung phone's camera blurry? It had lost its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes hahahaha' right before a gigantic crash, but keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was feeling very rundown and tired when suddenly a muscular little person grabbed both of my legs and lifted me into the air with ease. I instantly felt refreshed! I guess I just needed a little pick-me-up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It” Too many Maine characters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Obi-wan say to Luke when he saw him struggling with the chopsticks? Use the fork, Luke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Her : I'm leaving . I'm sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every hour . Me : Wait . I can change ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Korean pop is kpop, what sort of music does Drake make? Crap"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a playlist for when I go hiking It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost. it left no tern unstoned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the Butcher's pet pig? It didn't make the cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I? Banned from the supermarket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you don't get enough fibre in your diet ... tough shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us He forgot a period.(Edit: Woo original content!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the pig thief? Come out with your hams up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a power cut at my house so I started talking to my family.... .... Turned out to be nice people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t you want to listen to a dragon’s story? Because they tend to drag-on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra."}
{"character": "random", "line": "on the beach W.C. Fields was walking on the beach one day when a beautiful girl passed by. Fields tipped his hat and  said, \"Hello my dear, how's your ass?\"The girl looked at him in disgust and said, \"Shut up!\"He said, \"Hmmm... mine too. Must be the salt water.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Harry Potter has way too many characters... Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my new Simpsons shirt is a knock-off It says “don’t halve a cow, man”. They really butchered the catchphrase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend takes bets on who's the ugliest person in a crowd. He's a FaceBookie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't buy from Amazon because of the slavery it promotes \\- typed from a keyboard made in China"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable? SQUASH"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the network engineer sad? Because his career is in bits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Building yachts I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do on a remote island? Try and find the TV island it belongs to."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a chick magnet The repelling type"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days(ba dum tsssss)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What d'you call a slightly damp rabbi at breakfast? morning dew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are discount circumcisions a bad idea? It’s usually a total rip-off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? Weeeeeee!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. \"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!\" the doc says. \"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?\" the woman replies thrilled. Doc says, \"No, you've got bowel cancer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Driving down a country road I pointed to a flock of cows... Son: Herd of cows, dad.Me: Well of course I've heard of cows, there's a whole flock of them over there!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mosquito was trying to land on my arm. I shook it and said:\"Not on my watch\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Potatoes in space So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a farmer and a pimp? The farmer makes an honest living with his hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you get mixed up in an undersea gang war? You get a crab wound.So you go the police but they clam't help you.Eventually you end up at the hospital and they tell you you'll need a sturgeon.Then you murder everyone because you are so god damn tired of their undersea puns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I swallowed a bottle of food coloring. I'm ok, I just dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, Is it false advertising?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day on Venus lasts 5,832 hours The same as one Monday on Earth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just invented a perfume made from holy water. Eau my God"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?” Chicken sees a salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke? A Yamahaha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The day a guy come up to me and says 'Daniel I know you fucked my mom' I'm going to be very confused. Not because he falsely accused me of fucking his mom, but because my name isn't Daniel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter? PEW PEW"}
{"character": "random", "line": "HIGH TEMPERATURES After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.Turns out she felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does one potato say to another when he’s horny? Wanna hash?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. \"Which ear is it?\" he asked. \"2018,\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a smoke shop only to discover it'd been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off-too much sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes? It was on a roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we \"be positive,\" but it's just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked? Because the sign said tennis shoes only.*edit*Thanks for the sliver kind person"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Mercury's unlit side, it can get as low as -183 degrees Celsius... But hey, on the bright side, it's 467 degrees Celsius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy is talking with his friend Edward... ...and asks him:-What do dead and black people have in common?-Well, I don't know.-They both get a rest, Ed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between me and a mosquito? I don’t stop sucking when you slap me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt. Personally I think he torques out of his arseEdit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.Thankyou everyone!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How's y'all's summer bods looking? Mines looking like I have a great personality."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist They said it wasn’t fair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If cajuns yell \"ooh wee, makes me want to slap my mother in law\" when they eat something good, what do the Japanese say? Ooh-mommy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are so many scams on the internet now days. Send me $19.95 today and I can tell you how to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena! But I'd only make myself a laughing stock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them. When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam. It makes my patients really nervous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tree fell over where I was standing What a re-leaf  I moved out of the way in time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one french surgeon say to the other one evening? “Bonesaw!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top. It's was tough in the Gateau"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Denmark: \"We will kill 17 million minks by 2021.\" China: \"I killed 20 million in two weeks.\"World: \"You killed 20 million minks in 2 weeks??\"China: \"Oh no, sorry, I must've misheard you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to Order Soup A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, \"I think I will have the turtle soup.\"The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, \"Hold the turtle, make it pea!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What film has the best connection? Mulan, there’s only 1 Ping"}
{"character": "random", "line": "That perfect three-meals-for-one deal... ...ends up being a three-meals-for-dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan? Because there are already too many targets.  (credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One from 3rd Grade: What's the name of the funniest mountain range? The Himhilarious"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka... It’s Vodka with Orange Juice(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together. OMg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self-driving cars will never work right. No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally found the courage to tell my suitcases there will be no holiday abroad this year. Now, I'm dealing emotional baggage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came up with a science joke... Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?They have a big carbon footprint..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to buy some classical music CDs... But I was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I was reading the obituaries the other day, and I'm really concerned. People are dying in alphabetical order."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wire just fell from the ceiling I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally finished getting through my whole bottle of multivitamins before they expired! I didn’t feel very good after having half the bottle yesterday, but I think I’m doing alright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is 10 + velvet? Velveteen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm like Hank Hill when I'm in an argument. Stern, no nonsense, and my urethra narrows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fire alarms should just play Nickelback Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama.... The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in She said cheque books."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him Guilty as charged"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell old dad jokes to my kids. What do you call a fish with no eyes?    Fshhhhhh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Drake such a good chemist? He can turn an O2 into an O3"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,\"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?\" The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'.   'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision.\" \"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called? VAChina."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college? A Graduated cylinder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends They thought it was well done.I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, \"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said. \"You know, one would have been enough.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can't say I'm suprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the earth say to other planets? Get a life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets are red, grass is red OH SHIT THE GARDENS ON FIRE"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... \"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!\"The guy at the counter said \"Your stance is too wide\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Jedi hate alarm clocks? Because of The Force Awakens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the definition of torque? When you have to piss with morning wood, you push your dick down so hard that your feet fly out from under you. That's torque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A solid joke A scientist is studying the three states of matter.The scientist then makes an amazing discovery, the scientist in the other room then walks in, he asks \"What's the matter?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I stood there seeing my girlfriend's peaceful face, I remembered that this would be our last day together. So I decided to make the most of it by making love to her one last time... Unfortunately, no one else at her funeral shared my sentiment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My next joke is called heart disease. Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Australia and tried a Kangaroo beer The taste was good but it was too hoppy for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future. Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: \"take me to your leader\". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship..... \"Where are you going?!  Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!\" calls a Senator.  \"You are right!\" responds the alien. \"See you on Thursday!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Santa disappointed that he got a sweater for Christmas? Because he wanted a squirter, or at least screamer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell if a cow is male or female? If you are alive after trying to milk it, it’s female"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the black hole stop uploading to his YouTube channel He was void of ideas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife moaned at me as she put dishes in the washer I asked her \"Why are you moaning at me\"She replied \"I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher, can you stop fucking me?\"I said to her \"I'm just trying to put a load in the dishwasher too\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant? The first bit of slime is not yours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump talking about buying Greenland is having Americans confront their biggest adversary... ...geography."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John was the best liver surgeon in his hospital. I guess you could say he always de-livered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two farmers <a geek joke> Two farmers were chatting,One says, “You reckon the profit on your crops this year will be significant?”“All depends,” said the other.“On what”“My pea value”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The chemistry teacher was asked what their favorite element was. They answered \"The element of surprise!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying \"I TOLD YOU SO!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I shocked myself on the power outlet today It doesn't feel good. It hertz"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the turkey's favorite letter of the alphabet? Gobble-You!Note: my six year old made up this joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Hurricane Tyrone say as it made landfall? Where the white beaches at?!?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a gang going through town, systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size. Police say they are still at large."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cannibal invites his friend for dinner His friend says \"wow, your wife makes an excellent stew\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do iPhone have a great sense of humor? Because they crack up easily."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could not resist buying a skunk today at our local pet store. It just made so much scents to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do when your newborn is as slow as my internet? Check with a new company."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just farted on my wallet Now I have Gas Money! *Told to me by my 9 year old daughter,  who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you pass a biology test on excretion? Process of elimination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts \"The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest\" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies \"That's a good point\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the soldier blow himself up when he found out about exploding devices He wanted to C4 himself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye  We'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow... ...w/ no legs? Ground beef....w/ 1 leg? Stake....w/ 2 legs? Lean beef....w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip....w/ 4 legs? A cow, you dummy....w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes....w/ 5 legs? Chernobull....w/ no hind legs? An udder drag....w/ a twitch? B... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother.. Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers \"Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother\"Grandmother : \"Shut up Jimbos.. This is war\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's masturbation called in the star wars universe? Hand Solo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into the doctor's office... He's got a strawberry shoved up each nostril, carrots sticking out of his ears, and a hotdog shoved halfway up his ass.  Hey says, \"Doctor, I don't know what it is, but I feel terrible!\"\"For starters, you're not eating right.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains? A riceist.(It sounds better when you say it aloud)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Santa Claus and Johnny Sins? Santa Claus comes once a year"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you like, mom? Son: Mom why is my cousin named Jasmine?Mom: Because your aunt likes flowers.Son: Mom what do you love?Mom: Dick, stop asking so many questions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks It makes me boulder"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels. I’ve been working on it tirelessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time. She said that’s Ludacris"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A problem at the restaurant Waiter!\" shouted the furious diner. \"How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!\"\"My apologies,\" said the waiter. \"I'll inform the branch manager.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage. It gets pretty kinky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: police station toilet stolen Cops have nothing to go on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part about sorting by new? The jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One friend complained to another, \"All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds.\" \"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?\" asked the second friend. \"I'd like to lose another fifteen pounds first.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Bill Gates when he's flying? A Bill-in-air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a writer's favorite train station? Penn Station."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the road? Me neither, I couldn't follow it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's your favourite Bad Dad Joke? Email us at info@thepresentfinder.co.uk and if you can make us giggle, we will pop a surprise present in the post for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs? Wedding cake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grandmother said to her grandson, \"The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young.\"He replied, \"That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had my wife dress as a nurse and get on top last night. That’s the closest to healthcare coverage I’ve had since I was 26.cries in American"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon? The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For some reason CBS wouldn't let me stream the super bowl. I had to switch to the ESPN spanish simulcast. It worked out because BRADY-GRONKOWSKI-GOALLLLLLLLL!!!!! is the same in every language."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man gives dollar to a homeless person After he threw the dollar in his hat, he noticed a second hat. The man frowned and asked: \"Why do you have two hats?\"\"Well, you see...\" Said the wanderer. \"Business is going well these days so I recently opened my second store.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I opened a store that sells waistcoats and spandex for cross-dressers. I call it “trans vest tights”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy at a Halloween party had a girl on his back dressed in green. The host asked \"who's that?\" The guy answered \"that's Michelle.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. \"ROAR!\" he yelled. \"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked.\"T Rex!\"Then he said, \"HONK!\"\"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked with a chuckle.\"Triceratops,\" he said.\"Why does a Triceratops honk?\"And he said, \"Because it has horns!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What currency do Jewish ogres use? Shrekels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money. He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:“I followed the con-text clues.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat? One mucks around in fountains."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A roman guy walks into a bar, lifts two fingers and says: \"I'll take five beers\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor asked if I wanted a digital prostate exam.. He didn't mention there were no electronics involved but now  I get his point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(True story) I walked into an electric fence And the result was shocking"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button? A frog in a blender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a disease coming from China? Kung-Pow Sicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying"}
{"character": "random", "line": "From the beginning, Rapunzel never wanted a man to climb her tower to save her She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull on her hair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend is a therapist. Last night we were going to play video games and he said he was having trouble getting one of the game controllers to communicate with the receiving node. I told him they should use \"I\" statements."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I let my goats get whatever they want, they are spoiled rotten I guess you could say I have a bleeting heart"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman stops a car... Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?Miner: Mine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "$50k in hair extentions was stolen from a downtown hair salon, Police are still combing the area for clues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns? The first one had a stroke.The second one had a stroke. And the third one didn't touch him at all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i told my family i was going vegan im quitting cold turkey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect. The answer is spine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Batman and Robin after the get run over by a steam roller? Flatman and Ribbon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Break up My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.It Taurus apart.I'm in Pisces typing this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends They thought it was well done.I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A clam walks into the bar... The bartender asks him, \"how the hell did you do that?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better... But now I don't know what to do with the letters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the blacksmith charged with? Forgery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One blade of grass turns to another blade of grass and says... \"It's really hot today, I've drank most of my water already as have you. What happens tomorrow if we run out?\" The other blade of grass responds: \"Well, we'll just have to make dew.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’ ‘Yes, of course…’‘Great! I never could before!’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: A shipment of Viagra has just been stolen The police are still on the lookout for the hardened criminals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave 3 berries to my friend in a trail and got shot immediately... The sign never said they would shoot for trespassing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was devastated that my tag team wrestling partner turned out to be morbidly obese... I say this with a heavy Hart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient... ...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate stair lifts They drive me up the friggin wall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys are playing cards in a nursing home when a naked old lady with a walker goes streaking One guy says, “what was that?”The other guy responds, “I don’t know, but it needed ironing!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon... Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).Both were denied. This is actually true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most logical building in the USA? The US Mint.. it makes a lot of cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a picture of my favorite cartoon rabbit, but when I came home one day, someone encased it in glass and hung it up. Who framed Roger Rabbit?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled ... cheese.” The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”“What do you mean?” The bear replies. “I am a bear!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders? They've got loads of spirit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, We don't serve string here. So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago? The string says, No sir, I'm a frayed knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP boiling water, you will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches? A: The outside!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five out of four people admit they're bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the clam say when a crab attacked him? Kelp!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials. I guess they don’t meet the koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a little boy my dad lost his job.. .. because they invented a little gadget that could do his job, only better and faster. As soon as my mum heard of this she ran out and bought one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista. It was a regular French roast.*edit \"went\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Republicans hate lotion? Because the directions say to apply it liberally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Gold say to the periodic table? Hey you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it. I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ... ... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m not surprised Robert Pattinson got Covid He’s wearing his mask wrong."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At 70, she still had a body like an hourglass Brittle and full of sand"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two potato farmers are in a field One of them reaches down with both hands and pulls up two of the biggest potatoes they have ever scene. The other farmer says \"Wow! Those potatoes look just like my balls.\" \"That big?\" Asks the farmer. \"No, just that dirty.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Lisa came home and told her mother she got $5 from the boys to climb a tree Her mother smiled and said: “They only wanted to peek at your panties under your dress.”“I know”, said Lisa, “But I fooled them. I took off my panties before I climbed!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes. It is my birth certificate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to the ghost of a window washer? With a Squeegee Board"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply? Pb & J."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East. I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you prevent murders? Use a scarecrow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend's just told me that he's dating twins. I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart. \"Not at all.\" he said \"It's really easy actually. Helen's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teachers from other countries make fun of the US education system Sure, we don’t teach evolution everywhere, but I don’t see your countries volunteering to demonstrate natural selection in schools across the country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said I don't know, it happened so fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the paleontologist call his newest dinosaur discovery, after running out of new or interesting names? The Saurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here’s Something weird about the English language Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in GSpoiler it’s a joke Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had Indian food for lunch and almost choked on it Talk about a paneer-death experience"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I do crown molding I can never get the corners to match up quite right I guess I have coping issues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts. It was a tit-for-tat situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just disconnected my home alarm and left the neighborhood watch program. I raised 2 Pakistani flags at each corner of the house and a black ISIS flag in the middle of the yard. I have the FBI, NSA, MI6, MI5, RCMP, CSIS and a few other agencies watching the house 24/7. I’ve never felt safer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer song writer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge.  I didn’t say a word, said the third."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a headcount of the prison population? A consensus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the grocery store today to buy some oranges and couldn’t find any that i wanted none of them looked appealing pls be nice, i thought of this in the shower :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dark humour is like Free health care Not everyone gets it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on a date with an anorexic girl She said, 'I don't want anything serious right now, I've got a lot on my plate'I said, 'I doubt it'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Australia they use kangaroo broth to make Marsoupial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are we to do with all the canceled sporting events? They're going to televise the world origami championships live...  On \"paper view\"!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison. The police alert said “There’s a small medium at large.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a woman and a baked potato? With a baked potato, you poke it BEFORE you eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says \"Fuck off you won't bring it back\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ... ...It’s a grave issue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm Sir Cum Sized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ban weapons of mass dyslexia! Before they start an unclear war."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's never too late to lose weight. My dad lost 130 pounds moments before we spread his ashes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires. Those were the Good Years."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin? They're afraid of change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do metalheads like steam engines so much? They do a lot of chugging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Years Resolution this year was to be more selfless, but I gave up after four days. I realized that it isn’t for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's typically the warmest part of a room? A 90 degree corner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When do computers overheat? When they need to vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day. (Usually either Nestle or Captain)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If we could make America communist for just a year We could squash our obesity epidemic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rest in peace to the water I just boiled. It will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone \"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott Lynch walk into a bar I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cows go to the Marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back. In honor of 420."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan?? Apparently there’s a Tally Ban."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a fisherman fishes out money, he does not have to report it to the government because that's net income."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A whale goes to a plastic surgeon He gets a blowjob"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: \"Santa why do you have such a huge bag?\" Santa: \"Cos I Only come once a year\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers. While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: \"No. You can't CME.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the pearly gates Peter: It says here that you don't believe in life after deathAtheist: Didn't*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a kid's meal at the McDonald's today. The parents called the manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump runs into a bar The bartender asks \"hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?\"  Donald replies \"No. Iran.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never hit people with violins?? Because violins is not the answer..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,Fred Flintstein replied: \"A dab o' ABBA doo.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you express your opinion in China? \\[redacted\\]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies… Well first it tied them, then it beat them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why? InflationHoly smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead. The other is to come out to my parents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Mother lived to be 98 years old, and SHE never needed glasses.. She preferred to drink straight from the bottle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you think we should bring your Grand father's ashes to the party? Sister: No, we probably dont need toMe: No, I dont think its necessaryUncle: No, I think it's dead weight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman has the last word in any argument. A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pizza slice walks into a bar asking for a drink The bartender says: \"Sorry, we don't serve food here\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mars rover After an almost succesful retrieval of the Mars rover, upon re-entry, the rover overheated and exploded. Debrus landed in an urban environment. There was one casualty.Curiosity killed the cat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I identify as an ambulance My pronouns are wee/woo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I understand why Jesus was crucified But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I go nuts for washers You know what I'm talking a bolt?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom? linoleon Blownaparte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently bought some fragranced candles They cost me several scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went out for dinner. After my meal, my waiter asked me how I found my steak. I said \"I looked for my baked potatoe and there it was.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm quite a normal person, I'm very good friends with twenty five letters of the alphabet.. I don't know why..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's hard being an American Comedian in Iraq! No matter how many times I keep coming back I'm always bombing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl. Person 2: Who?Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn’t the NFL give Iowa a professional football team? Because then Minnesota would want one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out. Her kids don't help either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable? SQUASH"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea. Until he blamed me for the murder he committed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being a writer is enjoyable... But the job of editor is more rewording."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What transformer is made out of cardboard and shows up in two days? Amazon prime"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what would really lift my spirits these days? If I integrated a gym into my liquor store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the argumentative frog say? Rebut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Egyptian pharaoh hired me to lay flooring at a tomb he was building. He said it wouldn’t pay well at first but as I worked my way to the top I would reap the benefits. it wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme But it was multi level carpeting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would never hit someone with a musical instrument... I don't like to resort to violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke between the woodpecker and the owl? *knock knock* Hoo’s there?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cum and Lotion look and taste the same.... JUST KIDDING I dont know what lotion tastes like......"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot! Dad: Well, what'd you do that for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly... ... I'm not a fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. Sure, I said. My door is always open."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really dislike the constant advertisement from the municipality that always sticks under my screen wiper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, \"I love you.\" \"Is that you or the beer talking?\" she asked. I answered, \"It's me... talking to my beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time is it? I don't know... it keeps changing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you hit a poodle with a bulldozer? A puddle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... \"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!\"The guy at the counter said \"Your stance is too wide\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college freshman in the year 2034 opens a bottle of cheapo vodka and immediately exclaims: Smells just like my childhood!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument???? THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bathroom Humor So what do you call a Turd that's over 18 inches long and unbroken?An accomplishit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy is awesome at grilling steaks. They are all very well done"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes. She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard about the Trump fruit salad? It's mostly orange 'm' peach."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It took my wife six hours to push out our first child. He’s old enough to live by himself now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but... The tips were massive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens. Not as a full time job just a way to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house... Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells \"Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Colorblind uncle My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat An aerial view of a toilet lid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If we don't proofread and correct mistakes The errorists win."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boy asks, \"Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD\" Granny replies, \"Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A minister started his Children's Sermon with a question. Who knows what the Resurrection is? Without missing a beat a young boy says, \"If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my native language (French) we have a very special kind of joke that I'd like to try on an English-speaking audience Mr & Mrs Rophone have a son, what would his name be? Mike! Ok, not the funniest example, but it's already interesting enough to show you a very cultural way of phrasing jokes in France !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a constant stream of snake people? lamia flow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbist just  showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What currency do Jewish ogres use? Shrekels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge.  I didn’t say a word, said the third."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man born on the seashore? Son of a beach"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a mathematician call their 80-year old grandmother? An octagram."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the cannibal who had problems with eating brains? The others gave him a hand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do would happen if pigs could fly? idk but the price of bacon would Skyrocket"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix divorce checks with counterfeit money? Aliphony!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a ghost who thinks he can singlehandedly unload fear upon the face of the Earth? Boo cocky"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did You Hear The Story About The Cheese That Saved The World? It was legend dairy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Investigating Hillary Clinton is like fishing on Discovery Channel ... you catch them, you show them, and you let them go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans? Plot Holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl... 14."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME. As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The DJ played the Cha Cha Slide, so I did the Cha Cha Slide, The DJ played Macarena, so I did the Macarena,The DJ played Come On Eileen, and now I have an upcoming court appearance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Blowjob I was walking along the railway and found a woman tied to the tracks. I freed her and she was so grateful that we made love for hours. She probably would have given me a blowjob if only I had found her head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl. All I remember is the punchline was a hoot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A knight errant one day came across a damsel in the forest outside the Shire. “Fair lady, I offer you my honor,” he said. She replied “Good knight, I honor your offer.” And that’s how it was, all night long: off her and on her, on her and off her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got excited that I found a bottle in the beach with a message inside... Which read: You got no new messages."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear? Thunderwear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad's name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, 'Dad, I'm full,' he always replies, 'No, I'm full; you're Ruby.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can one bird make a pun? No, but toucan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn't dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bigfoot is sometimes confused for Sasquatch - Yeti never complains."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do frogs wear on their feet in summer? Open toad sandals!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't two elephants go swimming? Because they only have one pair of trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday Christian Bail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a family of Mexican-American robots? Tex Mechs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My visa to visit Afraica got approved. Now I Congo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp? Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Magician without magic? Ian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a disease coming from China? Kung-Pow Sicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Twitter is like a bank account When you enter the wrong opinion five times, your account gets locked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the creator of autocorrect You can go to hello!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've tested positive for needing a fucking vacation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend and I saw a pair of clogs. They said, \"I think those go on your feet.\"I said, \"you would say that, wooden shoe.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My spirit animal is a bull Because, I too, charge head first into red flags"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jewish coming out Yosef walks up to his mother. \"Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul.\"After a long awkward silence she frowns.\"Raul? That is not a Jewish name!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Austin Powers say when he visited the apiary? Oh bee HIVE!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber. (EDIT: my gf came back to me with \"the type of meat you're putting in your mouth\" which is way better.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals. They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey man why did you choose 0911 as your credit card code ? Never forget"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad just told me that slumber prices are at an all-time-high! Seems his dream house is gonna to have to wait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kinky guys visits a prostitute and says surprise me She removes her left eye and tell him go fuck her in the eye socket. He does and it's the best he ever had.As he's leaving he tells her that he will certainly see her again. She responds. OK, I'll keep an eye out for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman goes to a butcher and says \"I'll take some pork chops and make them lean\"\"No problem\", the butcher replies. \"Which way\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky. It became an ass ending sending ascending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is there never a food shortage on the planet of Tatooine? Because of the abundance of sand which is there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "farmer: how many cows got out? **me:** seventeen**farmer:** round 'em up**me:** ok twenty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna last longer in bed? Forget to set an alarm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts....The technical term for it is post-nut clarity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is see through and used to be a woman. He’s a transparent trans-parent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't break an electric toothbrush If it stops working, it becomes a toothbrush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a fish that can dunk? swooshi !(proud of this one)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Dad used to work with a man named Mr. Pigg. He had two beautiful daughters, which he named... Imma and Urra."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him. Because that's where I draw the line"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that 70% of Earth's population are stupid Good thing I'm one of the other 40% !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Break up My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.It Taurus apart.I'm in Pisces typing this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A photon tries to go through airport security fast, but is stopped. \"Don't you have any luggage\" asks the security agent. The photon replies. \"No I'm travelling light\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the first episode of a TV series with a predominantly black cast? A pilot, you racist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media When every American knows that America is the best country in the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs hanging from a window? Curt and Rod"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superman lost all of his money on a digital currency scheme It was his cryptonite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The local wig shop was burgled Police is combing the area.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every date I’ve ever had has been like my WiFi signal. No Connection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drum set and a snake falls off a cliff. The drummer and pet shop owner are very sad now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies suggest that approximately 90% of the world's population is right-handed. On the other hand, 10% of the world's population is left-handed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped. And I think it's going to be a long, long time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just read an article saying my fav TV show killed off the main character. They buried the lead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge? You shallot pass!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally swallowed some food coloring... The doctor says I'm ok, but I feel like I'm dyeing inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked our security specialist, “How did the hackers get away?” Miffed, he shrugged and answered, “No idea. They ransomware.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we \"be positive\", but it's hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who are the werewolf's cousins? What-wolf and when-wolf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can't stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a disease sexually transmitted through alligators? Gatoraids"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say at the strip club? Ho! Ho! Ho!You’re all on my naughty list!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did they call Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books? Author"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't gluten free people mainstream? The go against the grain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever seen .... I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.A horse *fly*?A goldfish *bowl*?A shoe *box*?A floor *mop*?A cat *fish*?A spelling *bee*?A chimney *sweep*?A chicken *strip*?A monk... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Burned my lips kissing my vehicle on a hot summer day. Kar-muah is a bitch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Edward Snowden say when he bumped into Barack Obama? Pardon me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The difference a letter makes Had a buddy who couldn't tell the difference between gilding and geldingVery brave thoughReal brass balls on the guy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used? Weird flax but 0k"}
{"character": "random", "line": "French border Officer : Occupation? German Tourist: No No, just visiting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most acidic soup? Ph0"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After just 2 days..... ...... I have lost my new job as the marketing manager of Nestle.They gave me a £3 million advertising budget and told me to spend it wisely or lose my job.I pulled up in my Ferrari this morning and said, “I’ve decided to lose my job.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was browsing the channel guide and stumbled upon a show called POV Shorts on PBS I had to put my dick away when I realized POV isn’t just a porn category"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street. Police are combing the area."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a snowman have in common with an ocean? They're both bodies of water!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks \"Do you have a previous criminal history?\"The visitor replies \"I didn't realize that was still a requirement\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Honey Dew you want to get married today?” “No. I cantaloupe.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "While at the mall today I discovered there is an elevator company called Schindler... So while us American's would call it Schindler's elevator,...a Brit would call it Schindler's lift."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar Followed by Batman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s drakes favorite note? A minor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Girlfriend I can read my girlfriend's mood by just seeing her hands.Last night I knew she was pissed off when she came walking in with the 9 millimeter in her hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding. I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Self-driving cars will never work right. No matter how you try, it will always be buggy code."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman approaches a man wearing a velvet suit sitting in a fairly crowded bar. “Hi, my name is Carmen because I’m into cars and men.” says the woman in a flirtatious tone.The man, seemingly sloshed, looks at her and says, “Hey I’m BeerPussy, can I get you a drink?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the groom want his bride to wear white? He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa. Then my mom hid the urn from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink *Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who wears a cowboy hat, black leather jacket with studs, cowboy boots, a big silver belt buckle, and black lipstick? Goth Brooks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they chnge theirs more  often"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England. We call him Sir Gen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This guy was claiming that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Nintendo fan gets invited at their crush's house to \"chill\" The two spend a very relaxing evening, but after some time together the Nintendo fan starts packing up to leave. The crush says: \"Hold on why are you leaving? We were having such a good time!\"The Nintendo fan replies: \"No smash\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the orphan with a stutter get drunk? Can I have some mimosa?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need. 2B or not 2B, that is the question."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air? A centipede."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of hours after Trump approved \"offensive\" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????\nGeneral : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..\nTrump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] What’s Another Name For A Necrophiliac? Ghost Rider"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to high school with a kid names Stains The class wouldn’t stop laughing when the teacher said “Come Stains, in my office”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network? They're calling themselves the \"ca-hoots\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the Knights of Cydonia eat for breakfast? Museli"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many bones are in the human hand? A handful of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to tenderuse young goats meat But everyone got upset when i told them i beat kids meat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Madness at the Snowman's rave last night.. All the Carrots were off their faces"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Growing up in a colony, the nuns told me to never turn your back on a priest. I mean, there's a reason why they became missionaries."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an idea for a JFK tv show but no network would pick it up They kept saying I was trying to assassinate his character"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a brothel without any money. They told me to beat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the ghost go to for his vacation? He went to Maliboo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math teacher call her student average? She was being mean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which type of monster is the best dancer? The Boogeyman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the leader of the hot dog race say to the others? You better ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the fastest growing city in the world? Capital of Ireland. It's Dublin everyday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Introvert and the bank So an introvert goes into a bank and decides they need some money. Hesitantly, they walk to the counter. After the teller greets them they immediately respond with, \"Hi, can you leave me a loan?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the printer say when it ran out of paper? Oh sheet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandpa just died of lung cancer... He fought it asbestos he could."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL On May 25th 2001, a blind man named Erik Weihenmayer climbed the top of Mount Everest... When asked how he feels, he said \"I'm gonna kill that fucking guide dog of mine!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals? The headline read \"Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to break up with my girlfriend because she was obsessive about cellophane wrap. She was way too clingy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty grossShe said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Mr. Krabs’ Favorite Element? Silver“Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes. \"I won't stand for this\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just upgraded the office network after-hours and left home for the day. I haven't heard anything from the employees who started work this morning. I guess you could say I've created Schrödinger's network - until I go there I won't know whether everything's working, or if they're cut off from the outside world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels It's my new year's resolution"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a monk helping make breakfast for the monastery, and remembered you dont have to use a spatula to flip pancakes. Next thing he knew it was out of the frying pan and onto the friar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom... Contraception"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A limerick about my life right now I might soon be resting in clover,At the end of my days as a rover.But I'm still not appeasedWhether I've got disease,Or just that I'm really hungover."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out I guess that's mustard gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you a shopping mall? Because I wouldn't mind spending way too much time and money inside of you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard in the news that thay've found harmful materials in cosmetics and childrens crayons, but in the defense of the big corporations... They're doing asbestos they can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty? Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahahaha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pravda news from April 27th 1986 Glorious Soviet technology allowed workers at Chernobyl power plant to complete five year plan of power production in mere five milliseconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call evil duck rituals? Fowl practices!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I'm sad I cut myself A slice of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father teaches biology and Spanish.. Him:  Ok, who can tell me what these are?Me:  (Raises hand) Soy Beans!Him:  Much gusto, Beans!  Me llamo Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The teacher asks Johnny if he knows his numbers. \"Yes,” he says, “my daddy taught me.”“Can you tell me what comes after three?\" “Four.\" “What comes after six?\" “Seven.\" “Very good\" says the teacher. \"Your dad did a very fine job. What comes after ten?\" “A jack.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are epileptic ghosts made of? Ectospasm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the plastic surgeon priest’s favourite thing to do? Alter boys"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t understand my missus. First she says, “Yes, fine, have a tattoo!” and now she’s moaning about all the bagpipers in the garden!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Drac Frost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend got a job at the power plant. He now refers to his occupation as a “ohm maker”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently got run over by a guy in a Tesla, thought he got away but: He’s currently being charged with battery now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a farmer find new cows to buy? He looks through the cattlelog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ate some Fiber One brownies That shit was amazing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe. Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Pattinson is playing the next batman. I guess he's a vampire bat now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was JFK's head put on the half dollar? Because no one could put it back on his body"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between jam and jelly? Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar with a fully loaded AK47 He yelled 'Which one of you slept with my wife last night?'There was pin-drop silence for 10 seconds before a guy at the back said 'Mate you're gonna need more bullets than that'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man finally returns home from WWIII to his dog The dog asks: “Did you go for a walk without me?”The man replies:“No, Iran”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Afghanistan country code is cool AF"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?” I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just walking past the church when the vicar turned to me and said, \"Love your neighbor.\" I said, \"Me too - cracking pair of tits!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do kids like summer vacation so much? It's the only time they will ever get to experience a classless society"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners? Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn't the \"roof\" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn't have any idea either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Release the vaccine in vape form. I promise you no one will ask what’s in it at that point."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ya know I hear Iran has no Walmarts Only Targets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Isn’t it crazy how many boomers love 1911s? It’s like that gun has a Colt following!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday He buried someone in the wrong hole.It was a grave mistake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur that teaches preschool? A Montessaurus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’re traveling along the Oregon trail and you meet a man named Terry. One of your party members says, “I thought Terry was a woman’s name.”That party member immediately dies.What did they die from? Dysentery"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[while new car shopping] Customer: \"Cargo space?\" Salesman: \"Car no do that.  Car go road.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, \"Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you.\" The boy replied, \"My grandfather lived until he was 97.\"-\"Really,\" said the man. \"Did he eat a lot of candy, too?\" -The boy replied, \"No, but he minded his own fucking business.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, \"You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here.\"\"Yes\", laughed the devil, \"but I have all the umpires!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year’s resolution is to read more ...so I turned the subtitles on my TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide So near, and yet sofa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Television is bad for the eyes”, a teacher says. Jimmy: “Yes, and also bad for the legs.”Teacher: “Legs?”Jimmy: “My brother Timmy has bad legs from our television.”Teacher: “Jimmy, how can your brother possibly have bad legs from his television?”Jimmy: “He dropped it on his foot!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old captain Jack died peacefully in his sleep... Unlike his passengers, that died screaming in horror....(Okay, that was an old one, but I haven’t seen it here before, probably is though)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said... “Yes we are, son.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cats in china say? Mi Hao!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a job at the Zoo. I have to work my way up from the bottom.My first job is circumcise the elephants.They aren’t paying me, but the tips are HUGE."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shot a family in their home last night. Being a photographer is such an easy job!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans? Plot Holders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs... That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a friend whose favorite element is potassium. I personally think it's \"just 'K.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An owl told me a joke It was a hoot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the three shortest words in the English Language? “Is it in?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the Star Wars Lovers Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Friend Asked Me If I Would Give Up Blowjobs or Junk Food I said are you stupid that's easy, blowjobs.... They make my jaw hurt"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a novel around Romania with me but it got tired. So I gave the Bucharest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows They are way over my head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a gamer look out for during match making? Backwards Compatability"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Excuse me, does this restaurant serve crabs? Sit right down sir. We serve everybody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The samurai's autopsy report came back. They found a chink in his armor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband: \"I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother.\" Wife:  \"Why does it say 'Do Not Resuscitate?'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The day before our family holiday my little brother locked himself in his bedroom. I was worried, so I asked him what he was doing.He said, \"I'm packing.\"\"Fuck off,\" I replied. \"It's only about four inches.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What crop do metalheads grow? Korn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner” “I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I? pear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They don't make forks like they used to. Modern plastic ware makes me miss the good old tines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist? He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Bengal Tiger is capable of jumping higher than an average two story colonial house. This is because of their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average 2 story colonial home can't jump very high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Roman say when his wife was eaten by a tiger? Gladiator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art. It's called, \"Mime and Punishment\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Simpson's character does the best power points ? Slideshow Bob"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "on the beach W.C. Fields was walking on the beach one day when a beautiful girl passed by. Fields tipped his hat and  said, \"Hello my dear, how's your ass?\"The girl looked at him in disgust and said, \"Shut up!\"He said, \"Hmmm... mine too. Must be the salt water.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the saxophone player have to go to anger management? He had a bad ALTOtude problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does an old timey 1930s era gangster threaten a jelly fish? \"You're see, through!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Tiger Woods manage to burn down his house? Coz he got rid of all his hose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade? A huge rant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't birds live in caves? It would be to much of a bird den."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swimming with sharks is so expensive. It cost me an arm and a leg!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the chemist feel about oxygen and potassium hanging out? OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn't find a manual."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can a leopard change his spots? By moving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"I'll serve you, but don't start anything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say They are all paid actors anyway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blind editor? A grammar not-see."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a single piece of Tortellini called? Tortaloni"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season Look out for hot singles in your area."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Respect for the fallen I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.It was in memory of all those who had died at the front."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the Alabama Governor's house burned down? ...It took out the whole trailer park"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish all other languages were deemed un-finnished"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting... People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point. Polish Border Control Officer: \"Nationality?\"  German: \"German\"  Polish Boder Control Officer: \"Occupation?\"  German: \"No, just visiting\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I go to someone's home and they tell me to make myself at home... The first thing I do is kick them out because I don't like visitors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad needed some advice on how to wrap birthday presents properly He looked up \"Enimem-rap god\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whether you love him or hate him... ...Trump got more fat women walking in one day than Michelle Obama did in eight years."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to the doctor and says \"I've got a problem, I have 5 penises.\" The doctor says \"Wow, how do your pants fit?\" He replies, \"Like a glove.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kebab prepared by a librarian? A shush-kebab"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is life like a bowl of soup? Because the only way you will get blown is if you are hot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums. He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dark humor is like food... I indulged in an unhealthy amount of it today, and now i want to kill myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do I kill my family and strangers without committing a crime? Vax evasion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float. Needless to say, it was soup rising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he \"couldn't find a shingle person to do it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Rabbit, a Monkey and a Llama walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them, and goes:\" I think you're ALL in the wrong joke.\"The rabbit says :\"Man this is worse than when I was just a typo.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever Nothing but net"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times.. All that before they even left the house!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 hookers are chatting in a bar The first says \"I've worked it so much I can fit a squash up there.\" The second says \"that's nothing, I can stick a melon up mine.\" The third just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere: Mos QuitoQue SadillaScu BagearSyn TaxRev ErseMala MuteTrypto PhanCano NicalImpo TentSlee Papnea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I live under a 4 million dollar roof. Bridges sure are expensive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with frosted tips and dandruff? Frosted flakesI'm sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boy asks, \"Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD\" Granny replies, \"Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried? My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell \"Whiskey\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bull walked up to a cow and boasted that even without an udder he could produce more milk than her. \"How dairy! ? \", thought the cow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t like diseases. I avoid diseases like the plague."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an Indian and African elephant? For starters, one of them is an elephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but... I'm starting to think he's a bassist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day. So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a 7' 2\" fortune teller in his underpants? A large medium in smalls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do elves wash their hands? With Santa-tiser. Credit to Greencross Vets in Port Macquarie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Canadian cartoon? Anim-eh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq. Anyway I asked him where he was off to.\"To change a light bulb\" he replies.\"Won't that be difficult?\" I ask.\"Nah\" he says, \"I've still got the receipt\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the worst student in a graduating class of medical students? Doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke? A Yamahaha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the drum player commit suicide after being charged with homicide? He couldn't handle the repercussions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get up on a horse made of pancakes? Using the syrups."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job? He had narcolepsy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live. Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What resolution do white supremacists prefer? 3K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the vampire say when she saw her reflection? Time to get a new mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife? The invitation said to look sharp."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the road? Me neither, I couldn't follow it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man named David without an ID? Dav."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Pepper go to prison? A-SALTI made this joke years ago, I hope y'all like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral I'm a choir starter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Please spread my ashes over the breakroom at work. That way Sherry from accounting can bitch about cleaning up my messes forever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a story about freshly picked, wild salad greens that go bad when shipped through the USPS. A stale trail kale snail mail fail tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning I acidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I underwent surgery and now I've got a ten inch cock. I think I'm going to need another reduction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kind man gave me some gold for free But I am a fool, for upon closer inspection I discovered it was pyrite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't the Chinese play cricket? They eat the bat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cake day joke! What do Trump and Atoms have in common? They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing... Just don't go overboard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Longer this lock-down carries on the more i find myself acting like a bodybuilder. Not the actual exercise, More the eating every 2 hours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$ I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.I thought \"well, I can't turn that down\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A time traveler meets a teacher “Can I ask you what month it it?”“May.”“Fine. *May* I ask you what month it is?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone ever masturbated to a turtle race? I got off to a slow start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To be on the safe side What did the Caseys name their third boy, whom they had just to keep them company in the rare event that their first two children died young?.......Justin Casey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women date witty writers? NSFW Because they enjoy cunning linguists."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, \"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teachers from other countries make fun of the US education system Sure, we don’t teach evolution everywhere, but I don’t see your countries volunteering to demonstrate natural selection in schools across the country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't birds were underpants? Because their peckers are on their faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in front of a grocery story, some guy came up to me. He said \"Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?\" I said \"Absolutely.\" So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say dogs can detect cancer by scent.. Wondering if CAT scan too.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. \"Boss,\" he said, \"the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!\"\"That's fine,\" said the boss, \"but where were you yesterday?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you file uncategorized rocket items? Under missile-enious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Silver walks up to gold at a bar and says ''Au, get outta here''"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character My daughter Chewbacca, not so much"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of stones does a ghost use for jewellery? Tombstones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my job as an event planner at a nursing home today... Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hear they are calling the riots yesterday 'The Capitol Blizzard' Makes Sense....They caused lots of destruction, Was full of snowflakes, And a whole lot of White."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw a squirrel pooping. That shit was nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ate some Fiber One brownies That shit was amazing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’ ‘Yes, of course…’‘Great! I never could before!’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Bob Marley called on a motorcycle? Bob Harley"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In school we had a friend named Gustavo. He was a blast to be with, but he had an odor. If I had to describe it, fun Gus had a musky scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "OBSERVATION Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What school of magic does a Giraffe practice? Neckromancy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter  An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dentist looks into a patient's mouth and says, \"That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen.\" \"I heard you the first time,\" says the patient. \"You didn't need to say it the second time.\"\"I didn't,\" says the dentist. \"That was my echo.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im so sorry internet Whats the differance between being hungry and hornyDepends where the cucumber goes!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an OCD sort of condition Its called CDO"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the ghost of a panda bear eat? Bambooooo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a cafe the other day... And I saw an unusual item on the menu: a duck sandwich. And I thought, how sad...Finally the duck is surrounded by bread, but in no position to enjoy it(Credit to the one and only Karl Chandler)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car Now everyone waves at me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out? That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What looks like half an apple? The other half."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I was in a home with no internet. Something was Amish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An employee at an American weapons manufacturer spots a bear in a conference room... \"Is this a set-up for a Second Amendment joke?\"Another employee : \"What? No. That's our new yoga instructor.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow. I said, \"I believe this is a Miss Steak\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "And the world breathed a big sigh of relief... The USA decided to invade the USA this year, leaving everyone else safe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor, a klansman, and a governor walk into a bar... Oh wait, it’s just Ralph Northam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the leper say to the prostitute? “You can keep the tip”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree. I heard he called Mercury a star."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call it when your child teaches you something about the environment? Instant Greta-fication."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.” Cop: That’s not how you play the race card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license. He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses.\"I said: “Well, I have contacts.\"The policeman replied \"I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises? I bet his pants fit like a glove..-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, \"I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out.\" \"Fine with me,\" said the dentist, \"but I'll have to adjust the chair.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights. Who wants some?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The digital internet consists of 1s and 0s. That explains alot about my Tinder matches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her! I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just burned 2,000 calories....... That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS members' dick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom. So I switched them out for red bull."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Caught my roommate masturbating himself with a thin pancake. What a crepe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I saw some pie and a gold medal. I was half correct. Turns out it was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I introduced my girlfriend to the family Me: hello everyone, meet JasmineJasmine: HiWife: what the fuck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw this guy walking down the road with a 15ft piece of fibre glass. I asked him \"Are you a Pole Vaulter?\" He answered \"Nein, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walther?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man enters a crowded ER after having lost a toy up his anus. The doctors are swamped with more urgent cases but the triage nurse sends the man to an empty or and tells him that he’ll be performing his own operation. A doctor comes up to the nurse and says “how do you expect that man to know how to perform such a complex procedure?” The nurse says “Oh, I’m sure he’ll finger it out”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Reaper says when he is going to hair dresser? DYE DYE DYE!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking in the mall and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. Unfortunately, I accidentally stepped on a dwarfs foot and he started screaming. As I backed up in shock, he advanced on me and yelled “What the hell is your problem? I’m not happy!”Looking down at him I asked “Well, then which one are you?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?\" They replied... “You better check your junk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chemical Analysis of Women Item:           Chemical Analysis Subject:        Women Symbol:         Wo Discovered by:  Adam Atomic Weight:  Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb. Occurrence:  Surplus quanti... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just thought of one but maybe borrowed. Always wondered why there's a lot indian doctors in gastroenterology. Let me go ask my friends Pooja and Harshit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Bloods use as money? Crip-toe-currency"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Grandmother said I was too 'reliant' on technology. I called her a *hypocrite* and unplugged her life support."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken. Since then, the steaks have never been higher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what did the owl thats a detective say? hoo did it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blow job would help. She asked me where I was going to find a cock to suck at this time of night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge. It was a loco motive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win... It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected... I asked the girl for a movie.She : \"Which movie\"? with a sweet smile.Me : \"You decide\".She : \"No, you should decide\"Me : \"No, you decide\"She : \"Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The biology teacher told us our skin is the biggest organ... Here i was thinking it was the one they play in the church down the road!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf Just Kuwait and sea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember when President-Elect Trump said immigrants were going to take our jobs? It's all true! Just ask Michelle Obama!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman? It takes too long to hollow out her head.(I got this one from my uncle)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Trump took part in a beauty peagent, he would be crowned Miss..... ..... interpretation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals. But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand? Quattro Cinco."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican. The first nun says \"I've never come this way before.\" The second nun says \"yeah, must be the cobblestones.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion.... February 30, 2021"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Thomas the Tank become a faster steam engine? He trained."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.She turned out to be an undercover detective.How cool is that at her age?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered, \"They're right behind you\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie is $50 in Jamaica and $00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never kiss anyone on January 1st because it's only the first date."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December? It's Christmas Eve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret. It tanked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. \"ROAR!\" he yelled. \"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked.\"T Rex!\"Then he said, \"HONK!\"\"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked with a chuckle.\"Triceratops,\" he said.\"Why does a Triceratops honk?\"And he said, \"Because it has horns!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman arrives at the crime scene \"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?\"\"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.\"\"How do you know that?\"\"He told me as he was running off.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend got sick and asked me to call him an ambulance Apparently yelling at him “you’re an ambulance!” is not sufficient."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a promotion at the farm I'm the new CIEIO"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met. I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asks his Uncle: \"Oh Uncle! How did you break your legs?!\" The Uncle replies: *You see those stairs going downwards?*Boy: *Yeah*Uncle: *I didn't*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree. My car was totaled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sloth say when he was mugged by a bunch of snails ? \"it all happened so fast!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you care so much about my mental health... ...then gimme some brain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security? Ass crack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anytime I ask a girl with a boyfriend to watch my favorite movie with her, she always ends up being a Liam Neeson fan “No, Taken”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd hate to be a knight They take L's left and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate And she says \"Bon Atrophy\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke my 9 yr old told at a BBQ we had over the weekend. He brought down the house. Why do squirrels swim on their backs?To keep their nuts dry!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John So I feel better by saying \"I went to the Jim this morning\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?” “I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.“Who?” the son asks.“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members. Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to make a team for a Pro Hide and Seek Game But good players are hard to find"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common? A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life vests no longer allowed on flights. Security specialists found out that they can blow up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it. I can't see why."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor... Then I thought of all the training."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion, And a lifetime ban from the zoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke my 12 year old son made up: What do you call it when you throw Mexican food at high velocity? Fa-yeet-a"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Australia they use kangaroo broth to make Marsoupial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you here about the 99c thrift store that changed to everything for one dollar? Everything else stayed the same, so there's no change there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cover on my ironing board was wrinkled so I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of \"irony.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I prepared a surprise dinner for my GF to teach her about different kind of spices She doesn't know what's cumin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal? They believe in first past the post"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to sell loose onions Until I got the sack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button. It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter! The dog isn’t going to come anyways.But what do you call a eunuch with no legs?Still doesn’t matter! He’s not going to cum anyways!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day Teach a man to fish and he'll colonize your land."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe walks into a bar, he sits and orders 6 martinis........ Shame on you for wanting a punchline.This giraffe needs help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the murderous magician bring a satchel of butchered prostitutes to his show? He needed a bag of tricks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it... But he's sticking to his guns on this one.  Stubborn man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far. This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] Horoscope Compatibility As per your zodiac sign, the zodiac sign you are likely to be compatible with, is as follows :Aries - CancerTaurus - CancerGemini - CancerCancer - CancerLeo - CancerVirgo - CancerLibra - CancerScorpio - CancerSagittarius - Cance... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the space rock eat the hamburger? It wanted to be meteor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At what angle do most car accidents happen? The Rectangle!(Wrecked Angle)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password? forest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being horny and tired at the same time is a strange feeling. On one hand, you want to go to sleep, ... In the other hand, however."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over. Unfortunately, she has now been released."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house? Pardon me, please."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs? It's a long tail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans. After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow... ...Tooth be trolled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fisherman say to the magician? \"Pick a cod, any cod.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it's corny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you tell dad jokes until you have kids? It's a faux pas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stayed up all night waiting for Santa to come... I finally got tired of waiting so I told him to get up, put his clothes on and leave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why firetrucks are red? Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 people. 4+8=12There are 12 inches in a rulerQueen Elizabeth is a rulerThere was a ship named Queen Elizabeth Ships sail on seasSeas have fishFish have finsPeople from Finland are Finns Finlan... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make gorilla stew? You keep it waiting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who runs in front of a car gets tired, a man who runs behind a car gets exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, \"Morning.\" He replied, \"No, just having a shit.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the lamb tell the other lamb that it had a crush on her? Sheepishly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dog walks into the unemployment office.. \"I need a job.\" He said, in perfect English.Surprised, the clerk says \"I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?\"\"If you like.\" Replied the dog. \"But why would the circus need an architect?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do swedish bears sleep? In their sweDEN."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I have good news and bad news,\" a defense attorney told his client First the bad news:The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.\"\"Oh, no!\" cried the client. \"What's the good news?\"\"Your cholesterol is down to 140.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force... ...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do cats call their human form? Their purr-sona."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Talking makes me feel like a workaholic judge. I'm just sentencing 24/7."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the library have so many floors? CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!  I'm so sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? UCLA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new set designer was hired at the filming company. He was fired shortly after for making a scene."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy is introducing himself to a lady in a bar Him : Hi my name is Daniel but my friends call me DickHer : how do you get Dick from Daniel ?Him : you ask nicely ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A surgeon was fired after a botched vasectomy. Still got a severance package."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working. It just doesn't make any scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you from Iraq? Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't basketball players go on vacation? They aren't allowed to travel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons? One is eight nights while the other ate knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest? Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me crazy chicks are amazing in bed. At least I know I'm sane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages? A nuclear fizzicist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed. Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Math problem alarms They are so easy i can do them in my sleep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dark humour is like Free health care Not everyone gets it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance  Put a little boogie in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. \"ROAR!\" he yelled. \"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked.\"T Rex!\"Then he said, \"HONK!\"\"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked with a chuckle.\"Triceratops,\" he said.\"Why does a Triceratops honk?\"And he said, \"Because it has horns!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time. It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's almost summer! Time for Americans to start getting bleach body ready"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of homeopathy has just died. Massive underdose, apparently."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “you want a longneck?”The giraffe says “you mean I have a choice?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother brought home his Japanese girlfriend. He must have had a ton of visitors that night, because his girlfriend wouldn’t stop saying hi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, what does it feel like being father to the best son in the world? Dad: Son, I can not answer that question, but I bet your grandpa can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Kermit the Frogs entertainment career came to an end, he enrolled in seminary school where he was ordained Now he's a Pastor of Muppets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was right there when God got tired of drinking Michelob... He said: > Now, let there be Lite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I checked my bank account and I found out that I have enough money to spend for the rest of my life. Rent? Food? Bills. My account got them covered for the rest of my life. As long as I die on Tuesday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who decided to call them deli slices and not... ... Meat Thins?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit. baseball.bat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dogs invented the Internet. They have used IP protocol long before us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me. He was as good as his word.  The funeral is Thursday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants. I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. \"Boss,\" he said, \"the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!\"\"That's fine,\" said the boss, \"but where were you yesterday?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A known and loved goverment official is going car to car The whole of congress has been captured and terrorists are threatening to douse them in gasoline and burn them if we don't fork over $10,000,000,000The man hands him a 10 and asks how much people donate on average.Roughly a gallon was his reply."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my Pillow if it wanted a snack It said “No, thanks I’m stuffed”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and goes to summer camp? A brussel scout!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke titled 'from seconds to minutes'? It's about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want a box for leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a potassium joke? K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Tiger Woods and a NASCAR driver? Tiger Woods plays golf for a living, but enjoys smashing up his car on his days off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do butchers and men with Onlyfans accounts have in common? They both get paid to beat their meat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today... It drew blood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple has been married for 12 and a half years and the man wants to surprise his wife So he tells her that they're going to Iceland. His wife, all excited, replies: \"Wow Iceland! That's so far away. So what will your plan be when we are married for 25 years?!\"\"Then I'll come pick you up again.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend recently worked at a sugar refinery factory... until his position was dissolved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said “at least your knickers fit like a glove”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Tortoise challenged the Hare The Tortoise said “race you home!”The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight... watch out for the revenge of the fifth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman purchased a new incense burner. However, she got very confused since it wasn't working. It made no damn scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend and I saw a pair of clogs. They said, \"I think those go on your feet.\"I said, \"you would say that, wooden shoe.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In today's Criminology class we will learn about cannibalism. It's my Hannibal Lecture."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bug imprisoned in a bottle of perfume say? I’m in-a-scent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say to the three prostitutes standing on the corner. Ho! Ho! Ho!  Merry Christmas!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having trouble reading the paper the other day . . . . . . so I went to the optimist and he said everything was fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The doctor says I lost 25% of my grip after I fractured my arm RIP"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A british person plays chess with an american, The british person always wins. Why?Their queen never dies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it... I guess as long as I live with  my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a BDSM-loving vegetable? Butternut squash"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I parked my car outside parliament. \"Sir, you can't park here,\" said a cop. \"This is where our politicians work.\" \"Don't worry, I've locked it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday Everyone will be looking for windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm \"You're a blizzard, Harry\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense? Me neither, but I keep trying..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You might be a redneck if... You keep swiping right on your Ancestry DNA matches"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My first job was working at an orange factory But I got canned because I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us He forgot a period.(Edit: Woo original content!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My first job was mending typewriters in a factory, boring job but... The other employees where great characters..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China Online What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?Lo Ding"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape I'm always running out of ideas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Chinese men are robbing a distillary The first one says \"it this whiskey?\"The second replies \"yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man has been found guilty for over using commas The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I name my little guy after a digital game store Say hello to Humble Bundle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mosquito bit me 8 times. Mosquito byte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them. I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test? With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole, But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event. Well, 97.8% of us are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin... appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, “I’ve got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.” Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, “Why blue?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.She came in and said \"Mrs Philips, you can't do that.\"\"Why not?\" She asked, \"I enjoy doing it.\"\"Yes.\" She replied, \"but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin? Hey can I have my nickelback?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you ask an anti-masker to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Because they are a super spreader!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire? Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, \"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Dad has a box of crayons on him at all times I'm so proud that he's in the Marines"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer have no money left? Someone cleaned out its cache!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn't the \"roof\" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you eat Wookie meat? Because it's too chewy..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, \"Don't worry, it'll grow on you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the opposite of artificial intelligence? Natural stupidity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer? HG Wells."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services? Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the air conditioning popular at school Its very cool"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Freudian psychanalysts do you need to change a light bulb? Two: One to change the light bulb, and one to hold the penis.THE LADDER! I meant the ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call a gong that honks every time you hit? Honk Gong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex. You don’t."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Edward say after taking Bella's tampon out of the freezer? \"Yay, I love popsicles!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "98% of all Jeeps ever made are still on the road today. The other 2% made it home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom. Probably cause the audience is shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I overlayed some dubstep to my favorite video of a clumsy fisherman I synced them up to when they drop the bass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention... Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a camels favourite meal? Desert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW] St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much TNT does it take to blow up a country? I don’t know, but the answer would probably blow your mind"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike? Attire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You should get a candle. If you have a smelly room I would recommend getting a candle. It just makes scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle. But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch. Then a lady came by her and said, \"If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady.\"Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "my 14 year old came back with this after his biology class Q. who was the Jewish prophet that led the water molecules across the partially permeable membrane?A. osmoses"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you breed a pit bull with a shih tzu? Yiff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them. Call that a defense magnesium"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby Owl that was caught in the rain? A moist-owlette"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined... Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020:  “Mask it or Casket”!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a national coin shortage. Go figure... All anybody is saying right now is that we need change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good  They work on many levels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once a salesperson asked me, \" Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? \" I said: oaky"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's bad for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked? Because the sign said tennis shoes only.*edit*Thanks for the sliver kind person"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banging a goat and I asked her if she was into it, she said: Mehhhh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery. It was like a huge weight off his chest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best date to take a pansexual on? Take them out for a wok."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to DRAG ON and on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having an argument with the wife and she said \" When i married you, i thought ypu where brave\"..... And i said \"So did i all my friends\"..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So its pancake Tuesday today That surely crepe'd up on us"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a triangle with angles 42.0°, 69° and 69°? A Nice-osceles triangle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more brains than Hitler? The wall behind him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I are a perfect match. For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world. For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Pirate Walked Into A Bar With A Ship's Wheel A pirate walked into a bar with a ship's wheel fastened to his belt buckle.  The bartender says, \"Sir, do you know you have a ship's wheel fastened to your belt buckle?\"  To which the pirate responds, \"Aye, it's driving me nuts!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's been a strange sort of day. First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cow and a cat are chatting in a field... ...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.  The cat walks off smarmily and says, \"Well, see you later, prime rib.\"  And the cow replies, \"Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles! Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the slow tomato say to the others? Don't worry I'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The recipe said, \"Set the oven to 180 degrees.\" But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year's Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it's as big as the last two put together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the road? Me neither, I couldn't follow it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer He said \"if you can reach those for me you can have them.\"But the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A:  No, but that's cool man, you hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Two  hundred and twenty.  One to hold the bulbTwo to turn the ladderSeventeen on the guest list.200 to say their mate is on the guest list and they are their plus one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Spanish word for 'cat' is 'gato'. In China they pronounce it 'gateau'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The inventor of sliced bread Is likely the one that cut the cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I use my cell phone as an alarm clock. I call it Veriz'n shine.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate when people pet baby goats You’re literally touching kids, perverts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A very excited 5 year old shared this joke with me in class today \"Wha- what do you call a sleeping dinosaur? a dinoSNORE !!!\"  it made my day <3"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of the X-rated photography site for fisherman? OnlyFins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This was my great grandmother’s favourite joke What do a hooker and fried chicken have in common?When your finished with the breasts and thighs, all you’re left with is a greasy box to throw your bone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito Himalarya"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody set an alarm... ... To wake up green day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The orange asked the melon: \"Hey, want to get married?\" The melon said: \"Sorry, I canteloupe\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an army of toddlers? An Infantry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grow a pair\" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating Instead people should say  \"Grow a dick\" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I caught my son chewing an electric wire. He is grounded now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is hiking when they see a set of tracks... \"Look\" says one, \"a father and his kids are on this trail.\"  The other asks \"how do you know it is the father?  It could be mom.\"\"Nope.  Definitely the dad...see the Pa prints?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the one eyed headmaster close down his school.... Because he only had one pupil"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Thanos is a farmer now... He must be really into crop dusting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A physicist is walking along a road when she looks up at a tall building... She sees a man on the roof getting ready to jump and shouts out to him, \"Don't do it, you have so much potential!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident. Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, only to be stopped by a priest at the door. \"I'm very sorry but we don't allow Higgs-Boson in here.\" The Higgs-Boson then replies, \"But without me, how will you have mass?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank? Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a pun competition going on in the local community. I decided I might have a go at it since I am pretty good with puns. The rules were simple: we all had to tell 10 puns. I got on stage and gave it my best shot to wow the judges. Sadly, no pun in ten did."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know how much I hate observational comedy? This much."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 dragons walk into a bar The first one says \"it's hot in here.\" The second one says \"shut your mouth\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was gonna try taking some steps to boost my self esteem... But to be perfectly honest, I don't think I deserve it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spanish doctor works at my hospital. Never wears PPE, never washes his hands. Just dips his fingers in black ink constantly. It's a bit weird, so I ask him how he stays safe and what the ink is for. He just smiles and says: \"No one infects the Spanish ink physician\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock. Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cow say to the butcher? Stop it, Or we'll have beef"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hang around after a yoga class? Because, none must stay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. \"Just close your eyes\" The driver said. \"Trust me it helps, that's what I do\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...? We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult \"toy\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you use \"Beef stew\"as a password? Because it's not stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're looking for a relationship, become a roofer. You're bound to find hot shingles in your area"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album! The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals. It's the TikTok tic tac tactic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife can't figure out why my pet anaconda won't eat Bratwurst a la cart I told her that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”“Vladimir Putin”“Country of Origin?”“Russia”“Occupation?”“No, no. Just visiting.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to a farm to purchase the most pregnant looking goat Long story short that kids is how I met your mother"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the two helium atoms? He He"}
{"character": "random", "line": "While getting ready to go play outside with my kids, my wife asked me \"Do you have tennis shoes?\" I responded, \"No, I only have 9 issues.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a gathering of people with skin disease in Ireland. A Leper-Con"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the new Iraqi currency? An after Dinar mint."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somewhere over Belarus a pilot just had a radio call Pilot to crew: We are requested to land immediately. Please prepare the cabin.Crew: Why, what is happening?Pilot: Threat of an explosive.Cew: What? What explosive?!Pilot: The one they will fire at us if we don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[sciency] two men walked walked into a bar, one ordered plain H2O and the other said ‘H2O too please’ Needless to say, the Second one died"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the difference between a novelist and a pornstar? A novelist puts colons in their work while pornstars put their work in their colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something... this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my dad beat cancer. By the way what is your mom's zodiac sign?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? \"Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a pig when it's poor? An oink-ment!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, \"Can't you just use a sponge?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February march? No, but April may!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars. Now they have cameras everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other. It seemed like there was some beef between them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru? It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently I've been learning how to draw optical illusions so I can surprise my girlfriend with one on her birthday. Unfortunately she walked in and caught me practicing the other day.Her: \"What's that!\" Me: \"I can explain...it's not what it looks like!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes back and forth, makes white stuff, and feels different if you use your other hand? A toothbrush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena's full name is \"John Felix Anthony Cena Jr.\" Didn't see that one coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a Kinkos and asks, \"Do you have any colored printers?\" To which the clerk responds, \"It's 2016 man. You can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We had a surprise costume party for my Australian co-workers promotion and we dressed him up as his nations favorite marsupial. He was well koalafied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] A New Male Server in Texas was Arrested for Unsolicited Sex. His reasoning? “Well, I asked her what I could get her and she said, Mountain Dew Me, and so I did her right there.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The All Lives Matter crowd is extremely upset. To learn that All Votes Matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses. It was a blessing in disguise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried hitting on my barber the other day I walked in and asked \"Hey, do you comb hair often?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You break me, you get bad luck.. Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!Mirror: Are you kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just driving past a dog food factory and it smelled really good. Now I want Arby’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not so sure my new year is getting off on a good start. Last night I ate like a pig and got incredibly drunk. First thing I did this morning when I woke up was take an enormous, smelly shit. Second thing I did was get out of bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went into the bathroom the other day.... and I lost my shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a flying dinosaur that uses its hands to see? A tactiledactyl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl? A who man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Russian Roulette is completely safe to play! I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Can you tie a knot?\" \"I cannot.\"\"So you can knot?\"\"No, I cannot knot.\"\"Not knot?\"\"Who's there?\"\"Fuck off!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium. HONK"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Great Grandfather died in the Holocaust. He fell off a watch tower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get, when you cross a husky and a blondie? Either a really stupid fucking dog, or a frost resistant bitch"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the hardest thing about defenestration? the window"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ruth rode on my motorcycle, on the seat behind me... I took a bump at 95, and rode on ruthlessly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did fisherman say at his retirement ceremony? \"It's been reel\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Cthulhu wear a tie? With an Eldritch knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle and I used to play Cave Explorer I kept telling him that there is no playable character in Cave Explorer but he always insisted that there is the explorer and the explored."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your coconuts, this ain't gonna be your average blowjob.As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English? Candidate: Are the thieves from England?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Ghostbusters never made it very far in Oregon Trail? They refused to cross streams."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives. So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow... ...Tooth be trolled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl. All I remember is the punchline was a hoot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on holiday in Germany with the wife ...and we went to a cafe. After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shark say when it found food after months of hunting? Thank cod"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best part about having Alzheimer’s disease? You can hide your own Easter eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer. Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?Officer: No shit, Sherlock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to... Bahrain deer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rabbit working in a hotel A bell-hop"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \\*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Rihanna get back with Chris Brown? Because she didn't want to be a one hit wonder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having children is like making pancakes. The first one is always fucked up, but you make all the other ones better and didn't drop none on the floor this time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a Get Well Soon card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, Mark, my words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't tuna fish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are you element 117? Because you're the only ten I seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is gigabit internet good for you? Because it's high in fiber!haha, I'll show myself out..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cattle farmers gamble so much? They like to raise the steaks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you trick a guy into going to a tennis match? Tell him you're going to a women's singles event."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match? Czech-mate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey stepdad, can you tell me how an elevator is different from an escalator? No stepson"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated. After that, he was alright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when four kangaroos have sex? A kangbang"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument. He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jesus walks into a hotel Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor says I have to stop eating the skin of oranges That was a bitter peel to swallow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was bitten by a Great White while vacationing in Florida. I think he used the term \"Superior Aryan,\" but either way, that was one coked-out skinhead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year's resolution is to do less drugs No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can't break an electric toothbrush If it stops working, it becomes a toothbrush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, \"son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!\" \"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a broken drum, the best present you can give someone? Because you just cant beat it.I'm sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,”  I replied “probably the ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two strings walk into a bar... ...the bartender says, \"What'll it be?\". The first string says, \"I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+\u001e!^\u001c \u0002\u0012&\u0006@P&\u001d]JEA&#65535;Segmentation Fault\".The second string says, \"You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks \"Occupation?\" \"No, just visiting.\" Said the guy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was Trump’s favorite childhood story? Winnie the Coup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chemical Analysis of Women Item:           Chemical Analysis Subject:        Women Symbol:         Wo Discovered by:  Adam Atomic Weight:  Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb. Occurrence:  Surplus quanti... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it!Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customer: One box of condoms, please. Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus taxCustomer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex Big mistake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Santa disappointed that he got a sweater for Christmas? Because he wanted a squirter, or at least screamer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why’s it a bad idea to eat mushrooms for dinner? Because you won’t have mushroom left for dessert."}
{"character": "random", "line": "U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins... ...but Asian singles are in my area."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gorillas see us how we see aliens, skinnier, smarter, less hair Or you might call them Asians"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which operating system does Varys run his spy network on? Unix; it was decided for him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all? Anyone sorting by new."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign \"Gott Mit Uns\" The English replied with a sign of their own \"We got mittens too\"Real story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once woke up in the middle of an operation. “Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it Post office"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW? This may be a old one. I have not seen my uncle for 5 months. When I saw him, he told me “researchers have discovered why people were hoarding all the toilet paper. It was due to whenever someone sneezed or coughed, 10 other people shit their pants.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse. “Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He’s in for a rude awakening."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't gluten free people mainstream? The go against the grain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8\" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting. The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This Halloween, I waited all day for my friend to meet me at the play park What kind of friend says “Let’s go see Saw” and doesn’t turn up?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that the shovel was a revolutionary invention? Some would even call it groundbreaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my parents might be meth heads. The tooth fairy keeps taking my money and leaving behind teeth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked in on my boss masturbating the other day. He told me to quit masturbating and get the hell out of his office."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man argued with his wife over whether or not he stood with a hunch For months he maintained that his posture was fine. Finally, to prove her wrong, he made an appointment with a posture specialist. When he returned, his wife asked if the specialist agreed with her and helped him.  He replied, “I stand corrected.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a \"Grilled Cheese\" after a few days in the fridge? Chilled Grease"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby A cop approaches the car and says: \"Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?\"  The man replies: \"Check what's in her mouth!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number. \"Why would you want to do that?\" one of the board members asked. \"So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a husband lead a dog's life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear? Thunderwear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dad who has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match? Czech-mate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs? A Halalligator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three kids are smoking behind the bike sheds at school! Kid 1: \"My Dad can blow smoke through his nose!\" Kid 2: \"Yeah, well my Dad can blow smoke through his ears!\" Kid 3: \"That's nothing, my Dad can blow smoke through his ass!!\" I've seen the nicotine stains in his underpants!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I said to my wife “You are my drug” She said:  “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”I replied:  “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin? Hey can I have my nickelback?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense? Me neither, but I keep trying..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a scent that wanders? An a-roam-a."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms... Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin? When around both, one eventually stops moving.Forgive me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination? HAND EYEEE-E-EYE"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Chinese soup almost falls off a table? Wonton endangerment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Granddad and Grandson out walking in the snow. Granddad: God it's fucking cold out here today.Grandson: Tell me something I don't know Granddad.Granddad: Your Nan used to like it up the shitter.!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little old lady calls the fire department A little old lady calls the fire department and says, help, come right away, my house is on fire.The dispatcher says okay ma'am, how do we get there? The little old lady replies, don't ya'll still have that red truck?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from being an eulogy writer. Because the only thing I wrote was “plethora.” I thought it meant a lot to a lot of people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a man fall on the ground and his wife yelled, \"Someone call him an ambulance!\" So I yelled back \"Hey dude, you're an ambulance!\" and left. Hope he's ok."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently, I discovered my fetish for self discovery. I just came to that conclusion!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers. But his aunt May."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the most commonly stolen musical instrument? A piano. People are always leaving the keys in them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Southern santa be like, Goodnight to y'all, and to y'all a good night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic But it was a false Salaam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Woody Harrelson was heard recently to have increased interest in computer technology Especially the RAM part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you save money on cat food? By buying bird seed instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a snowman have in common with an ocean? They're both bodies of water!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I get why Tupac's band smoked his ashes... ...It would have been tacky to take a shot in his memory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a chicken do their hair? With a comb, In one fowl swoop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus? [removed]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Look down the front of your shirt, and spell \"Attic\" out loud. One genuine dad joke for your amusement!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you confuse a moron? Put him in a room full of shovels and tell him to take his pick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant. She has the worst stutter ever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when an epidemiologist gets a breast reduction Flattening the curve"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy? Romance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do bad plates go to after they've broken? Helsinki"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One crab to another crab I think I have lobsters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A week ago my Jeep broke down and I had to scrap it Today I found out my friend got the exact same model Jeep.I'm pretty sure its a reincarnation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Tom was breaking into a mall from the roof while Aiden was keeping watch. Aiden slipped and fell through a skylight into a large pile of sheets and pillow cases... Now he's Aiden in bedding"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was gonna start a butcher shop But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that a Siberian Tiger can absolutely devour a 7-year-old girl in just about 45 seconds? Anyways, I lost my job at the petting zoo, today..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever heard the one about the giraffe? Nevermind, it'd probably go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many farmers does it take to grease a combine? ...only two, if you feed them in real slow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets are violet Start getting it right, or I'm getting violent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I parked my car outside parliament. \"Sir, you can't park here,\" said a cop. \"This is where our politicians work.\" \"Don't worry, I've locked it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat just passed... RIP Fluffy McMittens  2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2017"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rabbit with fleas? ... Bugs bunny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott Lynch walk into a bar I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So John Travolta's career has been dwindling recently... I guess you could say he fell from Grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the sailor learn his alphabet? He kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the vampire race finish? Neck and neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people-the student, his mama, and his pauper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most patriotic sport? Flag football."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? \"Put it on my bill!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born sonThe bard laughs and says “sure! Good luck finding him”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Studnia\" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water (hopefully this translates well)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jack, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar. They both have a great time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say They are all paid actors anyway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a firm, brittle, dry rodent that also happens to be an actor. crisp rat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane? A Boring 747"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the Difference between Pink and Purple? Your Grip.  :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made? He uses polar coordinates!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand? San Diego(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a transformer that turns into a canoe... A rowbot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle is like a good love story Very touching"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I rubbed a lamp and genie popped out, he said I could have ONE wish, so I wished for some of my words to be replaced with the names of cartoons I am having a few Rugrats"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know there are public speaking potatoes? Nothing special really, they're just commentaters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there” The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Weather Channel I taped a Weather Channel logo on our living room window. It’s like having an extra TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?\" Grandma replies \"Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pillar say when he forgot to wish his friend happy birthday? I'll column later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the murderous magician bring a satchel of butchered prostitutes to his show? He needed a bag of tricks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words. Defeet hurts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa? Claustrophobia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage. It was elf and safety gone mad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at the park watching over my kid as he played when a lady sits next to the bench I’m on and looks at me suspiciously, then asks, “Which ones yours?”   Blinking, I replied, “I dunno, still choosing...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park. Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m not saying my wife is tight fisted with money.. But I had to join her only fans to see her naked ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My na always told that a great disease would be coming Guess she had a 2020 vision"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide CHECK CZECH CHEQUES"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my friend to a concert. He said to me “Hey, you said there would be dragons here.” So, I responded “No, man. I said you’d have to imagine them.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning? Fawn dew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic. He said: “Sure, knock yourself out!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction. I'm Lacoste intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jack Daniels couldn't be with us this evening.... .....but he's here with us in spirit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rock climbing rabbi? Mountain Jew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Kenny Loggins was vacationing in Israel, how did he get to Bethlehem? He took the Highway to the Manger Zone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man sent love letters to his crush for years, and even one day wrote, that he was going to be visiting her house, when he showed up, she asked “who are you” The man should have considered that he was a doctor and all she knew was his handwriting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New Zelda game, starring just the princess, that ties all the story lines together... \"The Missing Link\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "if you don't have any conversation starters try the Titanic wait nvm it's not a good icebreaker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's common between long distance relationships and fat chicks? Both don't work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One blade of grass turns to another blade of grass and says... \"It's really hot today, I've drank most of my water already as have you. What happens tomorrow if we run out?\" The other blade of grass responds: \"Well, we'll just have to make dew.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Cell Tower Cafe get bad reviews? Because the service was horrible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was only a $3 bottle of Chardonnay but we partied like it was $19.99"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the supremely proper way the Englishman greeted the master fisherman from Jaws? It was ‘ello, Quint!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife is tired of me using trite, meaningless expressions and overusing contractions. Oh well... It's what it's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast. Just so she could have a “titty tat.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin’ Terry :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only weakness Superman has on the internet is.. krypto-currency"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL there are over 20,000 battered women in the U.S. everyday... I don't know if I can ever go back to eating them plain..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says \"In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test.\" The blonde asks \"Do you have to study a lot for them?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Despite space being a Vacuum Mars is really Dusty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad and I were checking out at the store when the checker asked him if he wanted paper or plastic. He responded, 'Either, I'm bisacktual.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a zombie vegetarian eat? \"GRRRAAAIINS!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of deaf people? I don't know. But it is definitely not heard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do mummy and daddy ghosts take their babies during the day? Day scare."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today.>!It's becoming a real problem at the traffic lights I'm afraid to say!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate? One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number. and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Things you can burn for stress relief SageLavenderRacistsMarijuanaPaedophilesFrankincense"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!! That's the trouble with the news today, its all sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush. I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad always says not to crank the car radio too high or I'll go deaf. Imagine if that happened. I would never hear the end of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a policeman say \"I'll never forget nine eleven\" And I thought \"Well, duh, that's your phone number\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, \"Khrushchev is a fool!\" He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad always called me \"Pancake\" He said it was \"Because the first one is always a mistake.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "While my wife was giving birth, I bent down and whispered \"You're nearly there, keep going...keep going. Just keep your eyes closed and breathe slow.\" \"Thanks,\" said the doctor, \"I've just never seen a vagina this ugly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news. \"Good news is you have 48 hours to live,\" he said to Harry. \"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it was a mistake to call childbirth “delivery”. It should have been called “takeout” instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear At least that’s what I think she was saying"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your coconuts, this ain't gonna be your average blowjob.As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mosquito landed on my balls Hardest decision of my life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife screamed at me, \"You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you.\" \"May divorce be with you!!\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good accountant says 2+2=4, a bad accountant 2+2=5, a great accountant Asks what you want 2+2 equal to"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pillow cases are just tiny duvets! Wake up sheeple, you're living with a pillow sham!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm lacking in moral fiber... As a result, I don't really give a shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play triangle in a reggae band. I would stand at the back and ting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pope: paint me a beautiful art on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and I will reward your work with exposure. **Michaelangelo:** uhh sure sir, I will paint you a beautiful ceiling sir.**Also Michaelangelo, mildly infuriated:** gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick's out talking bout reward with exposure. Fuck you. Pay me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many bones are in the human hand? A handful of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher. I walked into his shop and said to him, \"Who told you you could sleep with my wife?\" He said, \"Everybody.\"Rodney Dangerfield"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do crabs store their money? In the sand bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[Life Pro Tip] Stay away from negative people Wait, that was 2 years ago..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a small hotel in Madrid, feeling a bit sick, they surprisingly had a doctor there who had some over the counter medicine handy, I asked how a hotel this small had a doctor available He said “quite a shame, nobody expects the Spanish inn physician”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an equestrian and an equestrophile? The amount of dick they can take."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who was fishing from a railway bridge? He was trying to catch a train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test experts described the horse's urine sample as \"funky, cold\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a three-wheeled car and the american economy? The car crashes less"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today. I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, \"that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when engineering students call themselves \"Engineer\" you don't see med students calling themselves doctor, or art  students calling themselves unemployed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups... well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish? A cool clux clam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm in line for a promotion and huge pay rise at the Ministry of Defence where I work, after finally perfecting the invisibility suit. Well they think I have, I've just not turned up for three weeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was spending too time pairing socks after they’d been washed When I buy new socks, I now glue them together"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Late night At an empty gas station a man fills up his car and pays for the fuel... He gets into the car and grips the steering wheel tightly before saying: now only one of us is empty.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always wondered why Pikachu's electric shock blasts off team rocket but not Ash. I guess Ash is just better grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mass murderer on a bike? A Cyclepath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love self derogratory humor I never run out of jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Woke up to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, I was petrified."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning a man in the street offered me a sofa and two armchairs. I said, “My mother told me I’m not allowed to take suites from strangers”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde make her password \"BatmanRobinBatgirlJokerHarelyIvyOslo\"? Because the rules said it needed to contain at least 6 characters and include at least 1 capital!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an exercise class instructed by a crazy person? Psychokinetics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two digital artists in a fight? Graphic Violence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just can't draw blood With this orange crayon.It isn't sharp enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you stay away from trees? They can be a little shady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Lucifer eat for breakfast? Deviled eggs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Ben. Ben who? Ben waiting here all day to get some candy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rancher had only had 48 cows on his property, but when he rounded them up he had"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store checker asks me if I want my milk in a bag, I say no, I'd rather keep it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A: Why are peppers the best at archery? B: Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad saw an ambulance barreling down the street with its siren blaring, then said, 'They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you play the drums incorrectly? You get repercussions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?\"Cum at me bro\".\\-Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?He was a peeking duck\\-What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?\"It's bananas\"\\... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a family meal? Chicken and eggs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree.. It's the infantree that's deadly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"shark infested water\" You mean their home?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high... ...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it. Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Biology Teacher Asked What ATP is... I replied, \"where Native Americans live.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a furry that cant hear? Def Leopard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a motorcycle for my wife last week. Best. Trade. Ever!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy breaking into peoples houses and drinking all their coffee? I don't know how he sleeps at night!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather told me that teenagers have become so lazy because of technology. \"They're not the only ones,\" I said, looking at his mobility scooter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People have no respect for others time nowadays Some guy asked me to go sacrifice goats to satan in the woods and they didn’t even show up, incredibly rude."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... \"See?  See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?\" The sheep says \"Myyyyyyyy god.  You weren't lying...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is... ....when you're getting a haircut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One's a heated yam, and one's a yeeted ham."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If an acquaintance asks if you’d like to join them for the afternoon picking oval, reddish-yellow fruit... ...it’s a date."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please. There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A knight’s brother was slain in battle by monster Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!Hunter: You have my bow!Warrior: And my axe!Mage: And my staff!Necromancer: And your dead brother!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a networking robot say when returning from the bathroom? \"Sorry, I http\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do priests who do mass without a bible... Doing it priestyle?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think stimulus checks should also extend to all waterfowl. Because ducks have bills too, you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a hurricane, a tornado and a red neck divorce all have in common? In every case, someone loses a trailer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called to be stuck in a card game Solitairey confinement"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft? They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have a daughter named after my mother in law Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it. Because#**YOU SHALL NOT PASS!**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "COVID-19 can damage the heart, lung, and brain. Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast? Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Melinda moved out of Bills mansion the other day... I hope someone remembered to update their drivers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a prison full of kangaroos? Australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly. Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born. To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses. Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I put lots of stuff in the cart and leave without paying. What are your online shopping habits?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Mallard fail as a comic? His humor was too fowl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store. You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder? Endless love."}
{"character": "random", "line": "a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:  \"I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle and one snail turns to the other and says \"Hold on, friend. Here we go!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone says communism is a bad idea . But I'm weirdly attracted to it.It must be because of all the red flags."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An owl told me a joke It was a hoot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light? fiber optics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It costs a lot to use the tennis courts in my city It’s a tennis racket"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my Biology lab partner to let me be her DNA helicase... So I can unzip those genes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a duck thats addicted? A quackhead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fisherman say to the magician? \"Pick a cod, any cod.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light? fiber optics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words. Defeet hurts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did one lamb friendzone the other? She didn’t want to ruin their friendsheep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't be with a guy called stew.. I don't like people's leftovers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Daenerys from Game of Thrones married Khal Moro instead of Khal Drogo, guess what she would've named her biggest dragon? Moron."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pirates like to play the lottery so much? They really love ArrrrNG!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a polite pig? Canadian Bacon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just finished reading a book by a group of amateur poets... The poems aren’t bad, but you can tell they’re not prose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says \"excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?” To which the baker replies “No you're right enough it's a doughnut\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show... \"I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the most popular form of photography in American high schools? Point and shoot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say I'm overreacting about guys rubbing me in the bus, that it's probably just crowded but last time it happened it was just me and him And he supposed to be driving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts love health food Because it’s super natural"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a groundbreaking invention But everyone was blown away by the leafblower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album! The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas? Corollavirus. Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other... ...most of them would fall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was out-standing in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do when your kitten poops? Catch it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Coca Cola can feel after being steam rolled? It was soda pressed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table **waiter:** white or red?**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask. I asked and they agreed.It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Geography class -Whats the capital of Germany?-Berlin teacher-Whats the capital of France?-Berlin again teacher-Whats the capital of Poland?-Still Berlin teacher-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!-We'll see about that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've taken up guessing the weight of Dogs by holding them in my hands over lock-down.... ...I picked up a few pointers this morning!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of... Coke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A... They were raising canes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog's mother is from England and his father is from Iran He's a pom-iranian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex... Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies. Next year, it is the Rambos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity. \"It's because I gave up sex,\" he said.\"When did you give up sex?\" asked the reporter.\"Just about fifteen years ago.\"\"I see,\" said the reporter.  \"And why did you give up sex?\"\"I had to.  I like older women and there weren't any more left!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two digital artists in a fight? Graphic Violence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Do you really have to lick the knife!?” she asked with a disapproving frown. “Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit.” I said, chuckling. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?!” “Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My fast food addiction is really starting to cause me issues. For starters, I can't find anywhere in New York that does a decent cheetah sandwich."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call two old people having sex? a slowpoke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food... We should definitely make America grate again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is only one true way to check virginity Check the label on the back of the bottle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house. I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What big, brown, hairy, and has a white liquid inside? Coconuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a tile guy...... It was a lot of trowel and error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Dragon with no silver? A dron"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city? He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals? The headline read \"Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves On one hand, they are good for cold weather. On the other, they don't really help."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much did the pirate's new earrings cost him? A buccaneer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do female ghosts sing on Halloween? Ghouls just want to have fun!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say as his son left? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never trust a carp's excuse? They always seem a little fishy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Russ: \"Dad, this tree won't fit in our backyard.\" Clark: \"It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy got into a debate about flat bread being used for sandwiches. We decided it was a naan issue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will... &nbsp;  &nbsp;  ..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey? A Kick-Ass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just in the queue at Tesco when Diana Ross tried to push in. I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three \"facts\" school taught me that turned out to be false 1. Pluto is a planet2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men were chatting in a bar \"So what do you do?\"\"I write\"\"Oh, poetry or prose?\"\"Neither, I write cartoons\"\"Why's that?\"\"No rhyme or reason\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night We had a very heated argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said \"tell him a fruit joke...\" And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I drank a bunch of colloidal silver over the last few years and it's got me depressed I'm feeling pretty blue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This sentence contains exactly threeee erors. The third error? The fact that there are only two errors. The fourth error? Running this gag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the oyster leave the party early He pulled a mussel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A supervillain walks into a bank and says, \"I'm Mr Marijuana Frostbite...! ...and I'm a stoned cold killer!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pigs hear their favorite songs? On the Ham Radio!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the German tourist in Britain say when they saw something illegal? Nien Nien Nien!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales? Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Future, past and present were having an argument it was tense"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vegan thanksgiving On thanksgiving, what did the vegan tell the child when they were about to stomp on a bug?You butternut squash that!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Mommy, why did you name me rose?” “Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we names you rose.”“Is that why little brother is named leaf?”“Yes, it is”“Blaaaarghhhh-ddsdbbbb-beeebbbleeee”“Shut up brick”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All my friends told me I have no self-awareness Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of document do you have to sign before you can work in a convent? A Nun-Disclosure Agreement"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you have a six pack and get shot four times in the stomach, what do you have? A Tupac"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is prostitution illegal? Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chickpea got called to a murder scene It was a hummucide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a kid growing up I'd always get bullied, every morning they'd spit in my food and call me names. Man, I hated being home schooled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is rabbit farming a terrifying profession? Every day is a hare-raising experience."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Missing South Africa  In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: \"I miss South Africa.\" So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read: \"I hope this helps.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...? We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult \"toy\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog for a walk in the park, he gets attacked by all of the ducks there. Thats what I get for having a pure bread dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "February 10th should be National Fart Day. Because it's 2/10."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid They give us Nickelback"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 5 naked French men? Deix Nuts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a fisherman fishes out money, he does not have to report it to the government because that's net income."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the wind turbine say to Lady Gaga? I'm a HUGE fan!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What international disaster occurred after someone dropped the Christmas dinner? The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the sentence \"the thief stole a television\" where is the subject? In prison"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to date a periodicals librarian… …but we broke up because she had too many issues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef. That meant the steaks were just too high for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you tell if a cow is male or female? If you are alive after trying to milk it, it’s female"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something... A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.The hotel manager comes over and says, \"Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?\"The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, \"Nome, Nome, Nome.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best way to hand feed a crocodile? Very carefully."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do pigs communicate? Swine language"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "And the first prize is [drum roll]: One night with Donald Trump. Second prize is two nights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris. After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. \"I want a bottle of your best wine,\" he ordered.\"What year?\" asked the waiter.\"Right now!\" bellowed the tourist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too.. Because Sharon is Karen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra? A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the skeleton climb the tree? A dog was chasing him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? Oh my toe sis!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dead people reward What do dead people get as a reward?Atrophy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Metric system isn't popular in the United States? Nonsense, just look how popular are two-liter bottles and nine-millimeter bullets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read a book about Oedipus and Midas. It was mother fucking gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album! The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I have good news and bad news,\" a defense attorney told his client First the bad news:The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.\"\"Oh, no!\" cried the client. \"What's the good news?\"\"Your cholesterol is down to 140.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen? Moscow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry So I threw a coconut at her"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of dudes are walking through the park They see a young pair banging in the bushes. One of the dudes can't help himself but comment:\"Hey, man, leave some for us!\"\"I can't, I inserted everything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam. It makes my patients really nervous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only way to access the contents in a bottle... Is to decapitate it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother is a big believer in Flat Earth Theory but he is starting to come around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's another word for a mattress? A loaf of bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, \"19! 19! 19! 19!\" Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting \"20! 20! 20!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a ghost do when it gets upset? Loses its sheet!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 91 year old Canadian Grandmother just told me this joke. Two Newfoundlanders were driving to Toronto.They passed a sign that said:  Toronto LEFT.Distraught, they turned around and drove back home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do couples cry at the altar? Eye Dew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Welp we got ourselves a new disease... But suddenly a bunch of disorders don’t count as disorders anymore:- OCD cleanliness - agoraphobia - antisocial personality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't we have any alien visitors in our solar system? I googled it and found the reason...It's rated only '1 star' out there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump? George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.Donald Trump can’t tell the difference"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa's Workshop What kind of music do elves listen to?Wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "if you don't have any conversation starters try the Titanic wait nvm it's not a good icebreaker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Shakespeare eat for lunch? Caesar salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Roses are red, violets are red, trees are red, grass is red,              fu\\*k my garden's on fire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the Presidential ventilator called? Forced Air One"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an anti-aircraft gun that shoots high-quality digital audio files? A .flac gun"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My personal trainer said she wanted me to do a push workout. I've since been arrested for trying to pull her jogging bottoms down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My smart-ass friend just told me how to spell lotion backwards He’s such a noitol."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow  Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters? Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a revolving door and a pair of pantyhose have in common? My grandma needs a lot of help getting out of them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Attack on Titan is actually slice of life For short people"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He’s in for a rude awakening."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say They are all paid actors anyway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses. I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Oh honey, are you the Middle East?\" \"Because you are one screwed-up mess, but I can't resist getting involved!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why. Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandson Talking to His Grandfather: \"Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?\"Grandpa: \"I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The path to inner peace begins with just 3 words Not my problem"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Television was never really black and white before color It was basically just 50 shades of gray"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once. Guess I was throwing caution to the wind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread. He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hypothetically sliced apple? A core concept."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dragon with no silver? a dron. dr**ag**on (science joke)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, \"You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense.\" The baker looks up suspiciously and says, \"Yeah, prove it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”. The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book. “What was it called?” I asked.“My 2 years in prison”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads \"Idaho\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument do skeletons play in the band? A sax-a-bone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pregnant cows have so much energy? They're heavily calfinated"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don't know why she's mad at me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Chinese soup almost falls off a table? Wonton endangerment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the female crocodile leave her husband? He had a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really don't like tight spaces. That's why I shag your mum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my second shot now..... Waiting for the bartender to come back so that I can have a third shot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Capitalist Santa give all his presents to the rich? He wanted jingle down economics to take place"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door. He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: \"Dude was that necessary?\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently bought some fragranced candles They cost me several scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months. I was his friend for life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce. They just don’t communicate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium. But most other people just find them O K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did Captain Hook buy his hook? From a second-hand store"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t men buy underpants from Ukraine? Chernobyl Fall out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit \"I have rights you know!\" says the blonde, \"It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. Boy after that he went down hill fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the favourite gun caliber of a german? Nein millimeter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs. Now I want to break three."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Please don't bother teaching a giraffe to perform fellatio. It's just not going to go down well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boll weevils are detrimental to cotton crops. If you had to have boll weevils on your farm, which do you want, a big weevil or a little weevil? The little weevil, because you always want the *lesser of two weevils.*My botany professor just told us this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an actor thats a program? What do you call a guy thats an actor and a program?Matt Daemon Tools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom It was just pictures of me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable? SQUASH"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin. One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your first time is like a box of chocolates You finish so much faster them you thought"}
{"character": "random", "line": "English is not my first language. My American girlfriend texted me, \"myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative\"What is a ternative?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the salad who went missing? All they found were its chard romaines"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the sweet potato truck that crashed on the interstate? It caused a huge traffic yam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the name of the generic form of Viagra? Mycoxafailin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday They were shocking"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elton John got a treadmill for his pet rabbit It’s a little fit bunny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir\" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For those who dare steal Death's pillows.. Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases. It’s-a-me, Malario."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are giving Robert Kraft a hard time for paying someone to give him a tug, but let's be honest... Giving _yourself_ a tug isn't that comfortable when you've got 6 rings on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is this Rorschach guy??? And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?-Rob DenBleyker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "He does a Cub Scout becomes a Boy Scout? He has to eat a Brownie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I applied to be a vegetable farmer.. They said they won’t pay me hourly they’ll pay me celery!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do young cows eat lunch? In the calf-ateria."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call fans of the moon? Lunatics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The finals of any sport World Cup is like cows on an airplane. The steaks have never been higher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought chiropractors were a big hoax But I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist? Hall'n Oates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the inventor of suspenders awarded for their discovery? The no-belt prize."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens. Not as a full time job just a way to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a mummy's favorite food? Wraps."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend says to me, What rhymes with orange?And I told him, No it doesn't!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it's pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Dracula call his interior design book? Fang-shui."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son knocked a picture of himself off the shelf. He looked devastated. I told him, \"Don't worry about it, champ. Pick yourself up\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say to his son as he walked out the door? Bi-son."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father tells his son that he was adopted. \"I want to meet my biological parents,\" the son demands. \"We are your biological parents,\" the father responds. \"Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When i was your age everything was in black and white. Schools, fountains, bathrooms, everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe. I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer? Because they can wash their crack and sell it again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Christians hate butchers? They don’t condone beating meat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n A broken pencil. \n A broken pencil who? Never mind. It's pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Smart\" Televisions. What do regular TVs and \"smart\" TVs have in common?You watch TV on them.What's the difference between a \"smart\" TV and a regular TV?A \"smart\" TV watches you too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I feel sorry for kids who used to eat chalks and crayons when they were little. They must have dyed inside a little."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby Owl that was caught in the rain? A moist-owlette"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the new comic say to the mic? Thanks for the feedback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I planned to go to a class on how to deal with disappointments. But it was cancelled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do surgeons get so rich? They always make their cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the cannibal who had problems with eating brains? The others gave him a hand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A software tester walks into a bar Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of stories do big boats tell little boats? Ferry tales"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February March  No, but April May!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put all of my crops and produce in wheelchairs... That way all of my vegetables feel special."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it. You can say I'm agnocchic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself? A pair of pantyhose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue. (punchline)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bro can you help me name these information pamphlets Brochure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Responsible job My father has a very responsible job. He has about 500 people under him.He cuts grass at the local cemetery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the loudest part of tennis? The Racquet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Waitress: Do you have any questions about the menu? Me: What font is this?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team. He's the pitcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL that singing will scare bears. You just have to be a bearatone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Despite CDC guidelines, there's no reason to worry about people not covering their noses with their masks. They're mouth-breathers anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a guy cums all over a girls face? Genetic makeup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dsylexic man walks into a bra Read it again if you didnt get it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: can you pick up milk? Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easyWife: I mean from the store Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on a date with a blind chick the other day. We made it back to my place and things started getting hot when she reached up my pants. She said \" Damn! You have the biggest dick I've ever played with!\"I said \"Nah. You're just pulling my leg.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face. I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] My wife is like a bottle of wine I have to keep the cork wet or else she’ll spoil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache... I guess I’m black toast intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends told me that Oslo is also known as the Tiger City And I was like “woah Norway”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head... Im alright, it wasn't a big dill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a duck addicted to drugs make? Crack!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them You would have a little book of why you're broke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given that Wendy has a crush on Peter Pan, I guess you can say.... She's Pansexual."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common... The last picture of the Titanic was in Black&White, so was the last picture of the Maple Leafs with the Stanley Cup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum \"what's wrong with dad?\" \"He's going through a rough patch\" she said..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beethoven gets on the stage and the crowd goes wild. “Are you ready to hear some music??”“YEAH!!!” “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'. I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mosquitos in Africa be like It's-a me! Malario!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk! So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross Halloween with rugby? Drop ghouls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policy officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call malware on a Kindle? A bookworm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, doctor, I'm terrified of squirrels. (Doctor replies:) You must be nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself... Now there's someone who could use a good paddle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest A little upset to find out he came back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow? Because it’s In defence of bull!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Santa's favourite letter of the alphabet? O, O, O!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me I thought to my self,   “Well that wasn’t very mature.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door. \"Lettuce in!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals? The headline read \"Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in. The clerk asked me, \"can I help you?\"  I said, \"yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?\"  He turned beet red and said, \"eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out.\"  I said, \"yes, that's the one, now where is it located?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was digging in my garden this morning and found some gold coins. I was really excited and rushed inside to tell the prostitute about it but then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it. Clear vision"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Would you like the soup or salad? Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and asks for helicopter flavour crisps. The barman says \"sorry, we only do plain\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, \"I don't think that is going to help.\" \"Sure it will,\" he said. \"It's the only way I can see the numbers.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all. Just a little food for thot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity Just like one of his characters.(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?***Yes***How did she die?***Mushroom poisoning***But why does she have 26 stab wounds?***She was refusing to eat them**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself.. .. this isn't for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with Alzheimer's? They don't know either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between jelly and jam? I've never gotten stuck in a traffic jelly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: \"I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character\" Psychologist: \"That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?\"Man: \"Ever since I was an outline...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did I do when I got drafted to the US army for the WW3 Iran."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the knight say to the turnip? Begone, foul beet!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a potato that looks like a penis? A dictator.What do you call a regular looking potato?A commentator.There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?The one that says Idaho on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an idea for a JFK tv show but no network would pick it up They kept saying I was trying to assassinate his character"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the snowman so happy? Because the snow blower was coming"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman knocked on my door. \"I need a word with you right now.\"\"OK,\" I replied, thinking to myself. Then I added: \"Got one...'sa*u*sage'.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle always inspired me because he used to do what he loved. Me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool... She said “let’s see how the date goes first”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a serious man with a scythe that sneaks around outside people’s windows? The grim peeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you harvest crops in the winter? With an ice sickle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Could you imagine a market in the Middle East? Because that would be bazaar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When's a frogs birthday? February 29th"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you? It's said to have a very low margarine of error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the math book look so sad  Because of all of its problems!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live? The writers' block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite Dad joke, because it’s my cake day. Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to deal with a toxic ex: 100% accuracy and scientifically proven to work. Whenever your ex says, \"You'll never find someone like me,\" the answer to that is, \"That's the point.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: You know how to eat soup with chopsticks? A: put them down and pick up the bowl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!” “Not this time, your dog died.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of toilets do pirates prefer? Port-a-potties.I'll sea myself out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lot of people say “Put your money where your mouth is”. What if I want to put my mouth where my money is; between strawberry scented stripper tits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law? Murphy's Law is simply \"whatever can go wrong, will go wrong\".  But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father taught me to be reserved and respectful, he said “Son, no one likes a cocky asshole” “Well, except for uncle Brian and the guy from the hair salon”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "America sure is having some bad luck with the recent hurricanes. As if it's built on an ancient Indian burial ground."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself? He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?\" \"It's Amy, Mario.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mountain of cats? Meow-tain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do crabs never share their lobsters? They're shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, \"You weren't even listening, were you?\" And I thought, \"that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you throw a space party? You planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I’m terrified of owls Therapist: Who?Me: *Screams*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber. \"Gross\" he says, \"I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't quite get my girlfriend's complaints about my passion for Grease songs... So I asked her to tell me more, tell me more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The girl I like really loves orange soda. Sadly, she's way out of my league. Is this a Crush, or just a Fanta-sy?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are: 1) Stop writing lists.\nB) Be more consistent. \n7) Learn to count."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior. I call it \"Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the right place at the right time! An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they call the Bernie Bros now that hes lost the nomination? Back to being plain ol' BernOuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My second joke: The 10 year old cannibal spilled his soup, So his mother gave him and earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history... Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is Betty White"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology. Me and my big face-hole thingy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John So I feel better by saying \"I went to the Jim this morning\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't understand why women like to have so many pillows on the bed.. You need only one to smother your husband."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nelson was 5ft 4\". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft. Thats Horatio of about 3:1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the shoemaker reward his employees? With sock options."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do guns and corona virus have in common They were both created in China now every American has one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all? Anyone sorting by new."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why won't the US change over to the Metric system? Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you push a female mathematician into a swamp? Algae bra"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A French internet cafe had to cancel a CS:GO tournament it was supposed to host, after someone stole all the baked goods. The gamers said the baguette loss was intolerable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad has colon cancer It's shitty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. \"I hope you win\" was not the correct response."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space Because there is no atmosphere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever Nothing but net"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Captain Price was a dog what would he say? \"Bravo 6 going bark\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Christopher Reeves went to the cobbler to pick up a pair of boots he was having custom made... ...he asked the cobbler if the pair he was working on was his to which the cobbler replied, \"No, wrong Christopher. These boots were made for Walken.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tossed a coin 15 times, and every single time it landed on tails. I'm starting to think that it's not just a coin-cidence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part about having two dads? Twice the dad jokes.**Bonus**What's the worst part about having two moms?Getting stuck in an endless loop of \"Go ask your mother.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said... \"STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: Why are you laughing alone? Tell the Joke to the class so everyone can laugh. Student : Sir, he said that you're a good teacher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got fired from my job as a security guard. I had to escort myself out of the building."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate And she says \"Bon Atrophy\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of Arby's was a pirate. He was walking one day thinking of a name for his new restaurant, until he got stung by a bee and shouted \"Argh-bees!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary. High definition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the Ninja Turtles attack Shredder 4 on 1? Because their master is a rat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Jewish girl asked for my number I told her we use names now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men were chatting in a bar \"So what do you do?\"\"I write\"\"Oh, poetry or prose?\"\"Neither, I write cartoons\"\"Why's that?\"\"No rhyme or reason\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying \"I TOLD YOU SO!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio: -WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!The german replies:-Wat are you sinking about?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Ash say when he accidentally walked in on Misty changing? Sorry, I wasn't trying to get a Pikachu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas. I said, you're kidding me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do relationships between string instruments never work out? They always result in domestic violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, \"Morning.\" He replied, \"No, just having a shit.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do female ghosts sing on Halloween? Ghouls just want to have fun!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? I really shouldn't be spreading it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles. The librarian asks \"hard back?\"The guy replies \"yeah little heads too.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner whit them? They’re pair-a-medics."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Friend and I were exploring the Appalachia on Fallout 76 Well, that was until I shot him in the head with my pistol.Now, to be fair, I did have an airtight alibi for this.I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading. I told her:''Tips to cook delicious food.”And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:\"I have reached where they are cutting onions.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bed that gets passed down through generations? An heir mattress"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and goes to summer camp? A brussel scout!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat... So I filed for divorce!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the tortoise win the race? He recruited dudes with some cross-hares."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the street performer who did his act in the middle of a hurricane? It was mime-blowing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England. We call him Sir Gen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a bedtime story to an orange once. I call that pulp fiction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Russia is considering banning the internet for most people, replacing it with a limited Russian propaganda version... It will be called the InterNYET."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a fish that can dunk? swooshi !(proud of this one)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife to get us some nice stools. But the ones she picked up were shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference... What's the difference between:* a bunch of tortoises all going the same direction> And* A big pile of shit in the middle of the sidewalk?---One's a herd of turtles, and the other is a hurdle of turds!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hippopotamus walks into a bar. He buys a drink for the rabbit on the bar stool. She bats her eyes at him. He asks for a dance.. The rabbit says \"tango?\"He says \"nope.... Lets do Hip Hop!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Gorillas have large nostrils? Why do Gorillas have large nostrils?Fat Fingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it \"Go Fly!\"but it didnt fly.Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house? To please their steakholders"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America. Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.They ask him: is this all your luggage?He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had my annual physical, today. My doctor put on gloves and said he had to check my prostate. He pushed two fingers into my rectum and said, “ok, that feels good.”And I agreed with him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working He said, \"I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lot of comedy today is observational humor You guys ever noticed that?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren’t there any hobos from Indiana? Because beggars can’t be Hoosiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Beach Boys walk into a bar \"Round?\"\"Round?\"\"Get a round\"\"I get a round?\"\"Get a round...\"\"Fuck off\" said the bababa bababarman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t tell jokes about fungi for a reason... Too *mushroom* for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"A 45 minute nap should set me straight \" 8 hours later : wakes up as a gay"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do u call a knight who’s really sketchy? Sir Spishus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kangaroo walks into a bar And orders an espresso martini. While the Barkeeper serves the drink to the kangaroo another customer remarks:          \"don't you find it weird that a kangaroo walks into a bar and orders an espresso martini?\"\"Yes, normally he wants ginger beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Celsius be like On a scale of 0-100, how hot is this water?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says... \"I look forward to seeing you in it\".So for his birthday I bought him a coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why people think \"War and Peace\" is a tough read. It's only 3 words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People keep telling me flying and eating meat is bad for the environment. So I shot that stupid eagle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.... He's the spokesman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers.  They call them \"I can't believe it's not Jesus\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate? One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes. 1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house. It was fu***ng delicious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million: 1. Get up at 5:00AM every day  2. 90 minutes of cardio  3. Take a cold shower  4. Journal  5. Schedule out your day  6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company  7. Meditate"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A vulture arrives at the airport check-in. He's carrying a dead rabbit under one wing. \"Return ticket to Death Valley please.\"  \"Pleasure trip?\"  \"Yup, sort of a u-pick kind of thing.\"  \"LOL, very good!  Ok, here you go.  Are you checking the rabbit?\"    \"No, this is carrion.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grandpa tells his teen grandson: \"I will put 100 dollars under your pillow if you can find me a viagra pill right now\". Ten minutes later grandson gives grandpa a viagra pill. Next morning grandson looks under his pillow and finds 1,100 dollars. He goes to grandpa and says: \"Grandpa what happened? Why did you give me 1,000 dollars more?\" and grandpa says: \"I only gave you 100 dollars. The rest is from your granny\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a crab have in common with a Chinese guy who gets run over by a bus? They're both crushed Asians."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When answering the security question place of birth? Apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? \"Cool Ranch!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cooking out this weekend? Don't forget the pickle. It's kind of a big dill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The first thing Santa's elves learn in school is their elf-abet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was taking a leak and used my stream to kill a fly Better be the last time I see one of those bastards on my rommate’s toothbrush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghost dogs always haunt us by dragging their butts across the ground? They have unfinished business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blind man walks into a bar And then a table... And then a wall..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the coffee report to the police  A mugging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are so many Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars Fords? So kids can get used to pushing them at an early age"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't mind losing friends I lose sperm every week. My own kids man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are  types of people in this world... Those who understand binary and those who don't"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to make pancakes, then I wasn't… Then I was. Then I wasn't.Then I was. Now, it looks like I'm just waffling…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor says that each cigarette I smoke takes 9 minutes off of my life. Based on that math, I should've died in 1987."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say:’ why don’t they protest peacefully?’ And then here comes this guy: ‘why don’t they just do a Zoom protest? ’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do angels light a candle? With a match made in heaven."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A digital pirate lost his leg. He now has a JPEG leg to replace it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For sale. Muhammed Ali DVD set. George Foreman Grill. Both boxed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bra say to the hat at the end of the undergarment party? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just finished a book about Edison and the lightbulb. It was a bit of light reading."}
{"character": "random", "line": "'How To Cope With Disappointment' ;-) Saw a sign outside of an office building which said\"Today's workshop 'How To Cope With Disappointment' has been cancelled\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does elephant and rabbit have in common? They both start with letter R if elephants name is Raul"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Be Nice To Goats They’re Just Kids"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of plant do ghosts like to hide behind? BamBOO!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad? Seizure salad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not properly prescripted - Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials \"LSD\" engraved on 'em.- F*ck them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A white woman has a baby with a white husband The parents rush to the hospital to deliver the baby. The baby pops out and the baby is... black? ''Well that took a dark turn'' said the husband"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to collect marbles I  used to collect marbles.Then I lost them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top. Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins? A slice of blue cake!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. \"But why?\" they asked. \"Because,\" he said, \"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows. Deer testicles are under a buck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring? One is nude in dye and the other died in new."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They locked down and instituted a curfew in the capital of Switzerland. It's a controlled Bern."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who let the ghosts out?! Boo, boo-boo-boo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read about a heartwarming story of several doctors performing an overnight surgery on a giraffe's knee. I guess it was a joint operation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL Out of boredom and to create more band chemistry early in their careers, the Ramones used to go on single's cruises together around New York harbour looking to pick up chicks. They wanted to be sea dated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin? One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call adult-only Chess videos? Pawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you’re genetically predisposed to spelling and grammar errors, does that mean you’re… …typo positive?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a human and a pig? A visit from the FBI and an immediate removal of your government funding"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't make it at the sandpaper factory boss said I didn't have enough Grit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Believe it or not, Satan took a shot at being a YouTuber His channel got loads viewsToo bad he didn't make a penny though The channel got demonetized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83... On the plus side my IQ test came back positive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the mint jelly so nervous? Because it was always on the lamb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we tell actors to \"break a leg\"? Because every play has a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oedipus, Aphrodite and Midas walk into a bar... ... I forget the rest but I can assure you it’s mother-fucking gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n Little old lady. \n Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. You start with a diamond and heart and you end with a club and spade."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the alpaca say to his date? \"Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn't find a manual."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We'll see about that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do skeletons know what is about to happen? They can feel it in their bones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey baby are you a winter storm Because 1 to 3 inches is in your forecast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week. But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Russian Roulette is completely safe to play! I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are girls called chicks? Because they produce eggs or because they love cocks?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call walk-in closet in Spanish? Armario de Joaquín"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the lamb tell the other lamb that it had a crush on her? Sheepishly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What number is higher than infinity? 420"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a mass murderer... But then I got a vasectomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do women have periods? Because they can't be questioned"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation? Returning to the scene of the crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy? Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the prostitute get kicked off the hockey team? She kept getting penalized for hooking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of the USB flash drive died today. He was lowered into his coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I drink food coloring, I dye a little on the inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a fisherman and a schoolboy? One baits his hooks, the other hates his books."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Charles Darwin say to the animals he discovered \"Naturally I've selected you all for dinner\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a sea monster's favourite food? Fish and ships"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A problem at the restaurant Waiter!\" shouted the furious diner. \"How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!\"\"My apologies,\" said the waiter. \"I'll inform the branch manager.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mate got \"Stella Artois\" tattooed onto his stomach. Now he's got a beer belly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer. \"Not at all\", I replied. \"What are the odds of both of us being killers?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion do ghosts adhere to? Boodhism"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. I hope."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you watch Food Network all the time, I asked my wife. You suck at cooking and watching doesn't make you any better!She replied \"Why do you watch porn?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son is doing a social experiment for school. He plans on wearing an \"I love Liberals\" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others.   So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened.   Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably The good players just won't come forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an alarm in the mornimg But it's to tell me to go to sleep."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an epileptic guy preparing oysters and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m getting really good at beating computers Captcha thinks I’m not even human"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hard crowd tonight ey Maybe I should put my clothes back on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A person unsure if God exists rolled a numbered cube to determine the answer. It was a diagnostic test."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't they let Yoda name the dinosaurs? Because the do-or-do-not-ceratops sounds fucking stupid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?***Yes***How did she die?***Mushroom poisoning***But why does she have 26 stab wounds?***She was refusing to eat them**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why..... The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no “You can taekwondo”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles... “Hardback?”, asked the clerk.“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that  Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My anatomy class is covering the nervous system and I don't get any of this stuff. It's so nerve-wracking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear Fuzzy Wuzz had no hair. If Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear without hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy was he?(This still cracks me up 20+ years outside the 2nd grade classroom where me and my boys gut-laughed to tears over this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night? -I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.-That's not going to work.-Why not?-Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court,\" he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ... ... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? \"Put it on my bill!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you light 16 candles under a romantic comedy lead actor? John Bar-be-Cusak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it, I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a vampire's favourite fruit? Neck-tarine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Her: I'm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour. Me: Wait. I can change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two things I learned from online dating geography and disappointment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What product do Jewish boys use most of their money on? Lotion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the cow scared Because its life was at steak!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's Leonardo Dicaprio's least favorite Sesame Street character? Oscar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call President Trump, unconscious on the floor of the Oval Office? Not an ambulance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between jam and jelly? Jam is made from whole or cut up pieces of fruit with sugar.Jelly is made from only the fruit juice and sugar.Did you think I was going to say \"I can't Jelly my dick up your ass\"?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Need to save a bit of money during the lock-down. I am getting rid of Google, Siri and Alexa, and I am going to sell all of my Wikipedia and Guinness World record books. I don't need them anymore.My fucking wife knows everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A reporter asked trump what the letter J in Donald.J.Trump stands for ? He replied \" Jenius\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "During the Middle Ages, a young prince is relaxing in his palace waiting for a love letter from a princess in the next kingdom. A pigeon flies in holding a letter in its beak. The prince takes the letter, opens it and reads:\"Limited time special: Get your sword polished for only 5 gold coins.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the cheese wantto get sliced? It had grater plans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unused Christmas present. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. She asked me: Why,?I replied. \"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are dogs afraid to go to space? Because of the vacuumEdit: Sorry if this joke is ruffDouble Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a nun who has a tendency to go around wearing a horrible garment made of German sausages It must be her Wurst Habit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste. Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Abortion bill Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. PresidentTrump replies \"I thought Michael cohen paid for that\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cross dressers fall slowly? Because of the drag."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an aged leaf drink? Maturi-Tea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material. >!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When your kid say “no I don’t want dad i want mummy.... It’s the first step to “I want to speak to the manager”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German is trying to to make his way to Paris At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?”“Hans Mueller.”“Place of residence?”“Munich.”“Occupation?”“No, just vacation this time.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does PETA love K-pop? They’ve always been huge fans of youth in asia (euthanasia)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the crab name his daughter? Ma-shell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, The Queen wears a crown... ...Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did You Watch The New Comic Book Movie? It was very graphic!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do vegan white nationalists chant at rallies? Sieg-Kale, Sieg-Kale!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A judge is hearing a child abuse case... The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't''Why not?' The judge asked.'Because he beats me too.''Oh my dear boy. Do you want t... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "French fries are not made in France. They are actually made in Grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sick guy is in an ambulance. He notices that the driver drives right past the hospital and says: Hey, where are you taking me?The driver says: To the morgue.The sick guy goes: The morgue? But I'm not dead yet.Driver goes: We're not at the morgue yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach. Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together. I said “let’s not get ahead of our shelves”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Birthday gift mother in law My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Anthony Bourdain was cremated... Surely as a chef he would have preferred they stopped when he was medium rare."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marie Kondo says to donate anything that doesn't spark joy, but The Salvation Army says that amounts to human trafficking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being a writer is enjoyable... But the job of editor is more rewording."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just bought a pair of trainers from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "That clown movie topping the box office is the real reason why we've been having so many hurricanes Because when IT reigns, it pours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can February march? No, but April may."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Request: biology jokes Hey guys I need some jokes for my biology class to liven things up a bit so gimme your best. ( pick-up lines and puns also acceptable)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call fans of the moon? Lunatics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once littered in a forest and the only ones that saw me were a group of otters in the nearby river. I'll never forget the look they gave me as that plastic bottle left my hands. It was a look of otter disdain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder and the latter is a former."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got and took 4 grams of shrooms for half the normal price. I am literally beside myself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do we call people who have no prefrences about muscle size? They're BiFlexuals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses. Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If, whilst having my tea, I knock a pea off my plate onto the table or floor, I announce to my family - \"I have an escape-pea.\" My family don't like me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Hispanic man keep purchasing trains? I'm not quite sure myself honestly but he has to have some sort of locomotive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you made of Copper, Nitrogen, Terbium, and Silver? Because you are a CuNTbAg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Act like a parent. Talk like a peer. It's called peer-enting.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a ghost's favourite yoghurt flavour? Boooooooberry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most comedians are good, trustworthy people. Yep, they're a bunch of stand-up guys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a Motorcycle crash in my street I shouted “let me through “ are you a doctor they asked I said “ no it’s my Pizza”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As the bishop advanced towards the queen, the queen pulled a surprise attack and took out the bishop Believe me, the other Vatican priests were just as surprised as you are"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you pour Red Bull onto a clock? A waste of time and energy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ran into this vegan girl at a cafe the other day She said she knew me, but I had never met herbivore!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dragons like knights? The come with their own pans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Mommy, why is some of your hair white?” “Well, you see my child,” says the mom.“Every time you make me sad, one hair turns white.”“Oh really mommy,” exclaims the daughter.“So then what did you do to grandma?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause... Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it. Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ruth is the only person that i show mercy to If i didn't have her, I'd be completely Ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paid multi-story car parking... Wrong on so many levels..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!” I said “Well which one are ya then?!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a bad baseball player and a male goose have in common they both have foul balls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandson identifies as a waning moon. I can’t see much of my sun in him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist The librarian says, \"We don't have his book, but we have him.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me I have a terrible sense of direction I said, “where did that come from?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Second Amendment The Second Amendment of the Constitution affords me the right to wear short sleeve shirts to work.  The right to bare arms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once lied in biology class and told everyone I could touch the tiny hairs in my nose - They all laughed. I'd never felt cilia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Project managers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they are all still discussing the best way to do it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I watched a film about a giant crocodile with erectile dysfunction.... Lake Flaccid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon? A pheasant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars. All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online. They arrived today, safe and sound."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cows walk into a barn \"man i hate this farm\", said the first one.\"mood\", mooed the second cow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "accidentally swallowed a bag of scrabble letters my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bank Robber: Where's the safe? Teller:Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THESAFE?Teller:Bank Robber: WTF!!Penn: He always does this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time. She said that’s Ludacris"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Drake go back to High School? To pick up his girlfriend"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I WENT to the bank and asked to open a joint account. The banker said, ”Certainly , with who?” I said, “With anyone who has money.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull? They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1. It didn’t fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't they show vaginas in anime? Because then it would be a plot hole"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ... Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Tv and American schools have in common? there weren't any colours until the 60s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.Yeah, I know its Def Leppard, auto correct messed that up for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the epileptic throw himself into the lettuce patch? He was making a seizure salad.    ....I’ll see myself out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just found out they have opened a new library in my town... They kept that quiet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear? If you climb a tree to escape, a black bear can climb up the tree and you eat you.The grizzly bear will knock the tree down and eat you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Irish car prices? They're Dublin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her. Lucky guess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing. I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's good to know sign language. It's pretty handy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Awwww If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the longest sentence in the English language? ‘I do’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside In other words, the prose and cons of jail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the pirate walk the plank? His dog was back on land."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s Passover and a Jewish guy is eating his lunch in the park. A blind man sits down next to him, so the Jewish guy offers him some of his lunch—a piece of matzoh. The blind man takes it, fingers it a moment, and says, “Who writes this crap?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One for the software devs There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:1. Garbage collection2. Naming things3. Off-by-one errors"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you harvest crops in the winter? With an ice sickle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked up to a girl and said, \"Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums.\" \"Erm...what?\" she asked.I said, \"I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A clown and a little kid were walking hand in hand down a dark deserted forest path and the little kid says \"Gosh, it's spooky in here!\" And the clown says \"What are you scared about? I gotta walk back all alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A news chain started asking people what's their opinion on a food shortage around the world The venezuelans asked what food isThe Europeans asked what shortage isThe americans asked what the rest of the world is The chinese asked what an opinion is, then got arrested for asking too many questions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time? Djinnflation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The earth's not flat, it's a mobius strip and no one can disagree Because after all, we're all on the same side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don’t know much about history. Don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about a science book. Donald Trump’s resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the boss give the hovercraft a promotion? Because he works tirelessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men's briefs. \"So when did you start wearing men's underwear?\" the first asked. \"Ever since my husband found a strangepair under the bed.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Dad, look, I'm Sherlock Holmes' sidekick.\" \"You're what, son?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the bicycle that wondered how it was like being a motorcycle called? Bike-curious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call your grandmothers husband? Grandmotherfucker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a band who will sing songs in the style of Boy George that publicly shame bad behavior and call for boycotts of questionable opinions... ...It's called Cancel Culture Club."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear at the count of 3 A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear at the count of 3.He goes,\"Uno, Dos....\" and POOF!He disappears without a Tres."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom told me to load the dish washer. So I got her pregnant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a dinosaur with a great vocabulary? a thesaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq Iran!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a baby alien to sleep?  You rocket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the father printer say to the teenage printer? Don't use that toner with me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf Just Kuwait and sea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I awoke from my operation A nurse was leaning over me and said \"you may not feel anything from the waist down.\" So I fondled her tits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man buys an apple, 2 oranges and a banana. On his way to the checkout, the cashier asks if he's single. Man: \"Yes I am, how did you know?\"Cashier: \"Because you're fucking ugly\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flowers have sex? Florally"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip  I was heels over head!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only in England. £800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.But reduced to £400 if paid early.If you catch covid at the party, the government willgive you £500 to stay at home.That's £100 profit.This country is absolutely fucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, someone came into the shop I work in, walked up to me and yelled “I F-ED YOUR MOM!” After that, he ran outside. This was the 3rd time this month! I don’t know why my dad keeps doing this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Elton John hates lettuce? He’s more of a rocket man"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit. That's why it's called Colonization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do Cow Farts come from? The Dairy Air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia... It's called Guam in 60 Seconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. Boy after that he went down hill fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a shark and a giraffe? A stern reprimand from the bioethics committee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You've heard of the game Exploding Kittens? Well now there is a new game called Exploding Deer. It'll get you the biggest bang for your buck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are always over a dollar, whereas deer nuts are always under a buck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which cartoon character curses the most? The Road Runner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020 But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory? The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague? Now we just have to call him Dav."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an amateur sports team made up entirely of poets? semi-prose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are oranges the smartest fruit? Because they are made to concentrate. "}
{"character": "random", "line": "Quick tip on how to get lots of views on your Reddit posts Label it NSFW and repost (credit to a dozen other people)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the most pointless things in the world? Spheres"}
{"character": "random", "line": "i told my family i was going vegan im quitting cold turkey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw this advert in a window that said: \"Television for sale, 1, volume stuck on full.\" I thought, \"I can't turn that down.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, doctor, I'm terrified of squirrels. (Doctor replies:) You must be nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"I'll serve you, but don't start anything.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag. I told him to just leave it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted? Nothing, because he was already stuffed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What if there were no hypothetical questions?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A student asked his teacher if it was dangerous to mix oxygen and potassium... The teacher said it was OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green? K-K-Kale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my gf she was drawing her eyebrows too high She looked surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig? A bae con."}
{"character": "random", "line": "He does a Cub Scout becomes a Boy Scout? He has to eat a Brownie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the cannibals ate Bear Grylls? They developed a taste for adventure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies? He becomes a ghost-ghost writerOr...Drake's career ends either of the two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son is doing a social experiment for school. He plans on wearing an \"I love Liberals\" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others.   So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened.   Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm in a band called colon explosion. People say our music's the shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slice of apple pie costs $2 in Cuba. But, in the Bahamas a slice only costs $1 Sorry, I'm just telling you the pie-rates of the Caribbean\\*Laughs in Johnny Depp\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album! The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test experts described the horse's urine sample as \"funky, cold\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I want to be cremated in a restaurant. That way, y'all can take eggs, cream, and a pie crust and quiche my ash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in. Nowadays, Depend's"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin? When around both, one eventually stops moving.Forgive me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW?] A kid rabbit came back from school looking very happy. Father Rabbit: Why does Junior look so happy today?Mother Rabbit: Because they taught the students how to multiply."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do snails fight? They slug it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig? The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t Bob own any gloves? Because he didn’t have any hands. Knock knockWho’s there?Not Bob."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone asked me to sign their cast. So I wrote, \"Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baseball player worked part time at a bakery His boss told him \"Hey batter batter batter\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a brothel without any money. They told me to beat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the angle that cought COVID It was acute"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself. The man replies, \"if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said that I'm my own worst enemy. I've been thinking about it for ages.Why can't I be my own *best* enemy? I must be terrible at that too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you were born in Iran and raised in the UK, what does that make you? A Ukranian?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into the doctor's office... He's got a strawberry shoved up each nostril, carrots sticking out of his ears, and a hotdog shoved halfway up his ass.  Hey says, \"Doctor, I don't know what it is, but I feel terrible!\"\"For starters, you're not eating right.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, I've seen a large amount of Helen Keller jokes. A lot of them are really offensive.Oh, she would KILL us if she could hear them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving behind a BMW in which the driver was signalling all the turns ... If you own one and your license plate is CJKM6144, your car has been stolen!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If The Joke about r/Jokes is That All The Jokes are Stolen/Copy Pasted... Does that mean when you see a joke, you've already Reddit?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle just saw his “wanted” picture at the courthouse and was pissed Because he was framed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Japans birthrate so low? Because kids and cartoons can't get pregnant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had this new kind of meat the other day. It was Himalayan rabbit. The only issue is, I found Himalayan on the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Skittles go to school? *They wanted to become Smarties*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Invest on perfume businesses It just makes scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an epileptic man's least favorite element? Cesium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you add S to EX files... You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers He just wanted to put them in their place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911 - 911?- Yes- Well, now you're 910."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do gang members play baseball? They like to hit and run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 hookers are chatting in a bar The first says \"I've worked it so much I can fit a squash up there.\" The second says \"that's nothing, I can stick a melon up mine.\" The third just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I saw a tiger on my way back home. I was terrified I suddenly started pray. Then looked back at tiger and saw he was also praying. I asked him \"Why are you praying?\" He replied \"I always pray before i eat\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Tesla and a porcupine? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.[If you own a Tesla, please substitute \"Range Rover\" or whatever other brand makes you feel better.]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chef sits down with his son, who just turned eighteen Dad: son, I believe you are ready to learn the secret to a perfect mealSon: are you really sure I'm readyDad: yes son, it's thyme"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom? Tuba Toothpaste"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Axe should make a deodorant called \"English.\" Then if you wear it you can say you have an \"English Axe scent.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week? They're having a hard time moving inventory now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandson Edit: please go easy on this joke - my 15 year old daughter made it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor? He was constantly thinking about his next line"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument do skeletons play in the band? A sax-a-bone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My visa to visit Afraica got approved. Now I Congo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a baby Owl that was caught in the rain? A moist-owlette"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was younger, I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex... So I'd watch them while hiding in their bedroom closet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of flower do you buy an orphan? Self Raising"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a match box? No, but a tin can."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears? No. The Rock pay per scissors"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India. I said sure,  but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Cinderella say while reading Biology? I hate Mitosis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son, what do you have to say after your first tooth has fallen out? \"To not to piss you off anymore or more will fly?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "February is Eczema awareness month.... I am raising money by selling scratch cards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't birds were underpants? Because their peckers are on their faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question. “Well you see,” The English teacher explained. “‘Life without parole’ is a phrase.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Lieutenant Worf say when he made rainbow T-shirts with his son? “Today *is* a good day to dye!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce. They just don’t communicate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where's John? Ted: Hey Joe, why ain't John working with us today?Joe: He's in the hospital.Ted: That's impossible, I saw him just yesterday dancing with a stripper!Joe: Yeah, his wife saw him too..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule. Doesn't exist by definition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently some people on Tumblr say they're sexually attracted to elements on the periodic table. That's not really my thing ... except for that time in college when I experimented with carbon dating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best college degree to become a successful fiction writer? Journalism!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest.... It’s so sad. He had so much potential"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the leader of international public health? Yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's no surprise Nevada is taking so long to count their ballots Anyone smart enough to count in Vegas gets kicked out and banned for life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby cause 2 wongs don’t make a white"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the pig who lost an eye? He used to blink with both eyes. Now he oinks with one.(My 3 year old son came up with it)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter? Dear Sir or Madam,Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies.  We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.Sincerely,The Internet Provider"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked an old man: \"Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?\"The old man replied: \"I forgot her name years ago and I'm scared to ask her!!!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo? A booffalo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife really likes her Rampant Rabbit It's not her favourite sex toy, but it's definitely right up there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Christopher Museum I was walking through the Christopher museum and the tour guide was showing me some of the exhibits. He said this hat was worn by Colombus, these gloves were owned by Nolan, and these boots are made for Walken"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Trump is going back to television? Yeah. He has signed on with The Biggest Loser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass. Just like your mom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it... And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a whale buy their drugs? By the krill-o-gram"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 has a new calendar out JanuaryFebruaryLockdownDecember"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best toothbrush for prostitutes? Oral D"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake... because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves? Completely Ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone shouts: ”Stupid Dad jokes are making the Earth an impossible place to live!” A Dad shouts back: “Maybe you just need some Space.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do people lose their kids in the mall......? Seriously,  any tips would be greatly appreciated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet. I call it my diarrhea!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a reason why China has so many fake items And the reason is because the Chinese have mistaken ‘Copyright’ for ‘Copy Is Right’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my kids to the shooting range today. But they said I had to use the paper targets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am proud to announce that I have developed a foundation to aid abused women It's real thick to hide the bruises"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried? My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blue squirrel fall out of it's tree? It dyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did methane say on reacting with oxygen in presence of m2o3? That's the wrong hole that's the wrong holeContext: CH4 + O2 ( in presence of Mo2O3)-->hcho(meth-anal)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does your mom and a Razor Scooter have in common? Everybody rode her, but won't admit it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters like to party? At the g-rave-yard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Knock, knock.\" \"Who's there?\" \"Ayatollah.\" \"Ayatollah who?\" \"Ayatollah you already.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend. It maybe wasn't the best idea, because it meant I couldn't see the TV."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we \"be positive,\" but it's just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character. You should have seen the Luke on her face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This chick was beautiful so I asked her if she was a cop Because she took my breath away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Earth once It was dirt cheap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my TV may be possessed. Today I saw the Three Stooges and Ronald Reagan on it. Its channeling dead people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he \"hunts tigers in Africa.\" When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies \"that's because I do my job\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Friend: I think I have a crush on the president and the first lady. Me: You are bi-den?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a kid's meal at the McDonald's today. The parents called the manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night. Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping? Croutons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t you want to listen to a dragon’s story? Because they tend to drag-on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish? A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album The guy behind the counter says \"I'm sorry, it's out of stock.\"Darth Vader  shakes his head and says \"I find your lack of Faith disturbing...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish. It was a slow death but a beautiful finish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds? I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me \"just a minute\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girlfriend told me my tendency to take everything literally has led to her walking on eggshells around me I told her that’s terrible for the carpet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the farmer that called his herd of pigs and ended up being trampled? Was the first report of sooey-cide in the whole state."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club? Because he was flossin’...Buh dum tisssss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ad agencies use Meiosis? Because sex cells!I thought of this during biology earlier lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct They found Jesus and got raptored"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a squirrel in a church? A chipmunk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The NSA wants Edward Snowden to leave Russia. NSA: Hey Edward, you should really come back to America so we can talk.Edward: I can't. I'm Snowden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir\" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do border patrol officers go on vacation? Iceland"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece did nothing with her life. She just sat in her womb all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would a streaming service run by The Great Old One be called? C’Hulu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is six inches long, fits in your mouth, and is more fun when it vibrates? A toothbrush, you perverts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open. A terrible, early form of click bait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family. I answered \" No they all seem to enjoy it\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend messaged me to say she’s breaking up with me because I’m too childish. So I marched over to her house, rang her door bell and ran away That’ll teach her"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dinner So, I’m having dinner with my Uncle at this chic restaurant. As he closed the menu shut, he says to the waitstaff “I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar. The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the white stripes favourite kind of moisture? Dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon? The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend who was new to the internet asked me for a link to a translator When he received it he told me 'this is the link for r/jokes'I replied 'yeah everyone there's currently translating jokes from many languages '"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't women be writers? They're afraid of periods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Italy shaped like a backslash and not the letter I? Because it is in \"italics\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all those people that say \"age is just a number\"... ...well you're wrong, it's just a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach. An X-ray showed it’s knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head... Im alright, it wasn't a big dill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Priest was reciting a poem, \"Roses are red violets are blue\". My girlfriend is 9 I'm 62."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What town should a \"mountain oyster\" festival be held in? Oxnard, CA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece calls me ankle... I call here kneesWe are a joint family!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A submarine sounds the emergency alarm “What is it? cries the captain.“It’s the navigation, sir” replies the commander. “I can’t get our bearings! There don’t seem to be any continents in this region!”And that’s why this sub went down. A lack of a regional continent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump is being followed by smart ideas But he's faster"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a broken Jack O'Lantern? Use a pumpkin patch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a horse's number one priority when voting? The stable economy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't you buy things with Velcro? It's a rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does depressed Daniel drive? Sad Dan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows? They've really been making headlines.-courtesy of my 8 year old niece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a great cat joke? Just kitten. I don't have one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I will never forget what my wise grandmother used to say to me \"Get out of the way, i'm trying to watch TV!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese takeaway order is about 25 dollars. The price of gas to get there and back is about 3 dollars. Realising that you forgot one of the containers at the shop is riceless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors? Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bank robbery committed by a ghost? A Polterheist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a conspiracy theorist's favorite track and field event? Sheeplechase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wife stands on the scale Wife: Honey I lost 2 kilos!Husband: Don't celebrate yet you don't have your makeup on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer? Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit.... Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer.  He looks at it and then shakes his head.  “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Has the Abominable snowman called? “Has the abominable snowman called?” my friend asked me To which I replied “Not Yeti”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea. One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint. They collide...All the survivors were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?” He answered, “No, just visiting”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Dad, what was the name of Adam's mother in law?\" \"He didn't have a mother in law, son, because he lived in paradise\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I helped my uncle jack off a horse My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do alcoholics run in your family? No, they usually drive."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They started a poetry contest at my local prison But I don't know how I feel about that There are prose and cons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the funniest part of doing an office conga-line? When you look back and realise you’re doing it alone and you’re not in an office, you’re in a psychiatric hospital."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Cannibals Attack When cannibals attacked the AMAs, why were Eminem, Kendrick Lamar and Drake spared?You're not supposed to eat the rappers.(I literally dreamt this joke)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the waffle go to the pancake party? He was a square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call four bull-fighters standing in quicksand? Quatro sinko."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are dragons such good story tellers? Because they have long tails"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was a turtle in my past life... It's slowly coming back to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Jewish girl asked for my number I told her we use names now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water? Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common? They're both filled with Plastic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called the RSPCA I called the RSPCA today and said, \"I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.\"\"That's terrible,\" the woman on the phone replied. \"Are they moving?\"\"I'm not sure, to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase’’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is ISIS's favorite dinosaur? A terror-dactyl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a pirate's favourite element? Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound? To make the Eschar go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Television was never really black and white before color It was basically just 50 shades of gray"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing. I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to connect my Raspberry Pi to my printer.... But the printer always jams!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pigs surf in Hawaii? Bay-kona"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a human with a lot of patience? A doctor!-original joke invented by me (I hope at least someone gets it)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds. I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself... No 'fence.Nun taken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Drake doing on his birthday? An 18 year old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A waterbender, a firebender, an airbender and an earthbender walk into a bar He orders a pint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Christopher Museum I was walking through the Christopher museum and the tour guide was showing me some of the exhibits. He said this hat was worn by Colombus, these gloves were owned by Nolan, and these boots are made for Walken"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you remember which direction the sun rises in? Eventually, it'll dawn on you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn't support windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried watching The Neverending Story. Couldn't finish it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?\" No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since COVID-19, I have the body of a 50 year old, the brain of a 40 year old and the heart of a 25 year old. All tucked away nicely in my freezer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bathroom Humor So what do you call a Turd that's over 18 inches long and unbroken?An accomplishit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How long does an owl live? 6 1/2 books."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The International Flat Earth Society Annual Conference was going to be held on Zoom this year. Unfortunately they all agreed on the same start time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does two rice grains in the sink mean? Some Somalian has been up all night puking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it’s always too soon.^(i feel bad)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad? It's a sweet emulsion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit \"I have rights you know!\" says the blonde, \"It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Hyena's could throw Would they be called Hyeeta's?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.  “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month She said \"fuck you\". So i'm pretty excited for October"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the kittens get in trouble during spelling class? Because they were copycats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have a friend that was great at golf. They had a stroke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dog walks into the unemployment office.. \"I need a job.\" He said, in perfect English.Surprised, the clerk says \"I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?\"\"If you like.\" Replied the dog. \"But why would the circus need an architect?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zip line.... My grandfather was getting measured for a hand made suit at a very upscale tailor. The tailor asked him if he would prefer a zipper or buttons for the fly. Grandad thought about it and said, \"Let's go with the buttons they're quieter in the movies.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A redneck suffered a nasty fall... So he visited a physician and sought treatment. “Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained,” the doctor said. The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards They must have thought I was a taroist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The hardest part about my grandmothers death? Making it look like an accident."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats? A pimp"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach? You know.... back Before we were born?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died from being crushed by a giant crab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry It has its prose and its Khans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Does Enya Use To Season Her Food? Only Thyme"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I parked my car outside parliament. \"Sir, you can't park here,\" said a cop. \"This is where our politicians work.\" \"Don't worry, I've locked it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico? With the help of a hose eh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dont mean to brag about my drum jokes but um... tsss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem? \"Is it in yet?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said \"I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?\" I said \"Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s all the fuss about Twitch streaming? Like, comment, subscribe and I’ll tell you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man named Albert Smith once wrote in a hotel visitors book his initials “A.S.” Somebody wrote underneath “two-thirds the truth”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed... \"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I can’t do pull-ups or push-ups Wife: But you can do a lot of fuck-ups"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a company that sells makeup? A foundation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.  It's a faux pa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse? Banging your cousin or your niece? It’s all relative"}
{"character": "random", "line": "French Bottled water French bottled water always makes me Wewe !!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stupid pun i just thought of A boy comes home to his dog after being a weekend away at the beach as he plops onto his bed he takes a big sniff and asks himself:“did the dog crap or am i just imagining shit?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened? 'Buns n Hoses'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning? Because the early beard gets the wyrm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You stop bad music with a tuning fork. How do you stop bad singing? A pitchfork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on holiday in Germany with the wife ...and we went to a cafe. After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Tiger run away from the lion? The lion invaded the golf-course."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character My daughter Chewbacca, not so much"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off? Not waking up to pee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day... It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't get a reservation at the library. Because they were completely booked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there is a new shop called Moderation. They have everything in there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the Samsung phone's camera blurry? It had lost its contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't phones ever go hungry? They have plenty of apps to choose from."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a marriage between two violins? A homo-sectional marriage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are lions more honorable than tigers? A lion wouldn't cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when a condor, an ostrich, and an eagle walk into a bar? Three golfers lying about their game"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air tells a lie? Will's myth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I set Blur’s Parklife as my alarm, and it goes off every single day of the week... Except for Wednesdays, when I’m rudely awakened by the dustman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just learned how to lock pick Its opened so many doors for me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 shades of grey Girl 1: Hey have you read 50 shades of grey yet?Girl 2: Yes! From cover to cover!Girl 1: And the index?Girl 2: Exhausted..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I phoned in sick today \"Exactly how sick are you?\"\"Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe. I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an example of a Facebook paradox? Discovering one of their user's is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. \"ROAR!\" he yelled. \"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked.\"T Rex!\"Then he said, \"HONK!\"\"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked with a chuckle.\"Triceratops,\" he said.\"Why does a Triceratops honk?\"And he said, \"Because it has horns!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the salmon come in on the salmon boat and the lobsters come in on the lobster boat, what boat do the crabs come in on? The captain's dinghy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I let my goats get whatever they want, they are spoiled rotten I guess you could say I have a bleeting heart"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is fruit squash banned in Germany? They have a bad history with concentrated juice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street? Jaywalking"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a squirrel in a church? A chipmunk!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is now stable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, \" 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?\"The man replies, \" like a glove.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctors tried to figure out why blondes are stupid... so they decided to see inside one of their heads. Upon removal of the scalp they found nothing but a piece of string. Confused about their discovery, they cut the string, and the ears fell off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you like Dead Pan jokes? Well that's good because Neverland is just purgatory for children."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have a daughter named after my mother in law Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who vaccinate their kids are crazy! Hell no, I didn’t vaccinate my son! Are you out of your mind!? I had a doctor do it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A judge was trying a man on the charge of shoplifting shirts and pants by wearing them out of the store. The judge saw the evidence and declared, \"Guilty! Case Clothed!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the journalist crumpled up on the office floor in tears? Because the editor removed his colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument does a pumpkin play? An a-gourd-ian. (I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that  Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to name my hotdog \"The Moment\"... ...so I can relish it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tie say to the hat? I'll hang here, and you go on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got rid of my house, cars and credit cards to get my interest rates lower.. It worked! Now girls are barely interested in me..(Heard it from somewhere on tv maybe)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate spelling errors You mix up two letters and your whole one liner is urined."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the McDonalds cashier beat up the customer and then strut around bragging about it until police arrived? Someone ordered a McGregor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus? [removed]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do game companies do with their old successful games? Post Mortem, most port em."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A truck full of hair restorer tonic overturned and spilled on the freeway today Police are combing the area"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them \"Scraps\". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t understand my missus. First she says, “Yes, fine, have a tattoo!” and now she’s moaning about all the bagpipers in the garden!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture? In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Abortion bill Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. PresidentTrump replies \"I thought Michael cohen paid for that\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I read my mom's ID card today She's so bad at sex, that she got an F in it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife really want a makeup set for her birthday , but I bought her something better Adobe Photoshop 1 year licenseI will renew it on her next birthday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;\"papers\" I said \"scissors, i win\" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,”  I replied “probably the ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling? Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad says to his son “Ten times two and eleven times two equal the same number” The son says it’s wrongThe dad asks “what’s ten times two?”The son replies “Twenty”Then the dad says “And eleven times two is twenty too!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn’t paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said “I’m not happy.” I replied “Well, which one are you then?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two flowers growing in a field First flower turns to the second and says 'you know, I really fancy you'Second flower replies 'I really fancy you, too'First flower says 'where are the bees when you need them??'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were Dracula's pancakes so terrible? He got turned into bat-ter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use \"beef stew\" as a password? It's not stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for... Couldn't get a straight answer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anthony Scaramucci [removed]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom? A Lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better? Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.Because then he'll get a  better taste in music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dunno why people say hurtful things like... \"Wanna go for a run?\"or \"Try this kale.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call medical students who graduated online? google docs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my actor friend to break a leg... .....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night. I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with.  So, I've gotta ask....How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon \"Can I practice on my self first?\" He said \"Sure, knock yourself out!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Energizer Bunny Arrested Charged with battery"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The price of balloons have been plummeting... Specialists say it's due to inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With the US Open going on...how do tennis players discipline their kids? Mostly with their forehand, sometimes their backhand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, \"That's very noble of you\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just walking past the church when the vicar turned to me and said, \"Love your neighbor.\" I said, \"Me too - cracking pair of tits!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is pissed off at me... She told me how unhappy she is with her c-section scar and I tried to comfort her. Apparently \"honey, don't worry, your tits will cover it up\" was not the right answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend asked me to show her how I felt with a bunch of flowers... ... So I gave her a triffid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "French fries are not made in France. They are actually made in Grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once woke up in the middle of an operation. “Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight 6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which body part hurts most when you get hit by a right-angled triangle? Your sinuses."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughters pet lamb died today. The grieving process was delicious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom pointed at a guy across from our house... ...and said, \"Stay away from him, he takes drugs.\"That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business? They just couldn’t measure up to the competition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his.It began, \"My daddy fell in a well last week.\"\"Good Lord!\" the teacher exclaimed. \"Is he OK?\"\"He must be,\" said Little Johnny. \"He stopped calling for help yesterday.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night She leans in to my mom and says“When is Mother’s Day?” My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says “Nine months after fathers night”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur. Call it *Mulan Rouge*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down.So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Geometry teachers are oddly obsessed with communism they are always talking about marks and angles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict. It starts in a box and moves to a house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do deaf people tell each other secrets ? They wear mittens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy comes home on rainy day from a soccer match, completely drenched. His mom asks „How bad was it?“ „Let’s describe it this way: we won the coin toss and decided to play against the current for the first half.“"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic? A Juand"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr. Potato Head will now be known as Mr. Potatx"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a white drug abuser in america A politician"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally figured out where that \"programmers live in basements\" myth comes from! It's because they prefer to work in a non-Windows environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my boss I think I deserve a promotion He said that's why I'm not the boss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my COVID-19 vaccine today I don’t understand what everyone is so worried about, I haven’t experienced any strange side effects.  This thing is completely safe.In unrelated news, I finally have good cell phone reception and my Internet speeds have never been better!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an axe that was once owned by George Washington. My great-great grandfather had to replace the handle.  And my grandfather had to replace the blade, but it's Washington's axe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I keep loading paper into my printer but it keeps saying \"I just can't get enough\" I think it's stuck in Depeche Mode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen and potassium went for a date and it was OK After,  Oxygen was found cheating on potassium by dating magnesium.  That was an OMg moment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a coronavirus joke on r/Jokes It went viral"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My music teacher at school told me never to hit a drum again or I could get in serious trouble. I did, and he was right. There was serious re-percussions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Taxi A drunk guy stops a taxi and opens the door,\"You have space for 10 beer and a whole chicken\" he asks the driver\"Sure\" the driver replies\"Ok\" answers the drunk guy and pukes in the car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blonde woman with 2 brain cells? ...pregnant!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bird say when he was surprised Well Owl be damned"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After yesterday’s events Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it They should have added 19 more shades"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stomach was sad... because everything it tried to make turned out to be shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the saddest form of transportation? A moped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the tallest building in the world? The library-it's got the most stories."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"You know, I decided to go and live with a pig.\" \"Are you crazy??? And how will you do with the stench? \"\"Ehhhh .... he will get used to it! \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an STD that loves makeup? Glamydia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning a man in the street offered me a sofa and two armchairs. I said, “My mother told me I’m not allowed to take suites from strangers”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never trust an A# to play an instrument? Because it will always B flat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the creator of spaghetti died? He pasta way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you boil a clown... Do you get a laughing stock?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Thankful for all the health care workers during this pandemic Without dem, it would be a panic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door: She: \"What do you want, Sonny?\"He: \"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?\"She: \"Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?\"He: \"S-s-sorry, Ma'am ... W-w-what about vinegar bottles?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: Use the word Dandelion in a sentence Jamaican Student: Da Cheetah is faster Dandelion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Civilians call it a bathroom Civilians call it a bathroom, because they take baths in it,The airforce calls it a lavatory, because they use it to freshen up,The army calls it a latrine, because they use it to take a dump...So why does the navy call it a head?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would a duck do if it was trapped in a car? It would quack the window"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never knew my wife could have so much fun with a cucumber, a banana and a coke bottle Until I saw how happy she was making my lunch today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires? A bad electrician"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic... Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't the other numbers like to play with 1? Because he always won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do if you see two snails fighting Nothing, just let them slug it out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you think the history channel is bad at midnight. You should see the staff room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets. Hindsight is 2020."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kangaroo is jumping around in Australia When ever she stops a little penguin pocks his head out of her pouch.In Antarctica a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling: Fucx this student exchange program!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you sat with your hands in the fountain of youth, would your hands get wrinkly?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says \"I can't find any milk for my coffee\"The second says \"in space, no-one can. Here, use cream\"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the director Christopher Nolan say to Tom Hardy when he asked him to cast in the movie Tenet ? Sorry, Tom,.......it's Hardy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex Big mistake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Zoom meetings\" is a stupid name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like \"coworker video chat\"... Or something shorter, like \"co-vid\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope DC residents have good flood insurance Because that swamp turned into a damn lake real fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke by Max Millar that got him banned from the BBC for 5 years in 1944 \"I met a beautiful woman on a mountain trail. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off.\"  Reference: QI, S18E01"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into the forest to seek out the Oracle Guy: \" O great Oracle, I have come to ask of you but one thing! Is there a disappointment in my future?\"The Oracle: \"Yes.\"Guy: \"Aw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand? Mario: ...Judge: It's a fine.Mario: [sadly] no itsa not"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An employee at an American weapons manufacturer spots a bear in a conference room... \"Is this a set-up for a Second Amendment joke?\"Another employee : \"What? No. That's our new yoga instructor.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what disease is really hard to beat? Erectile dysfunction. (This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes. \"It's worthless\" her father says\"I know\" She replies \"But let's hear it anyway\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up. Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said \"Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish.\" Sean frowned \"For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey, it’s the yeast I can do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. \"Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself! Ok soot yourself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together? [Banned]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a tile guy...... It was a lot of trowel and error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “why the long face?” The horse replies, “This was my best friend’s favorite place.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Rihanna get back with Chris Brown? Because she didn't want to be a one hit wonder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said.... I should mind my own bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top. Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked? Because the sign said tennis shoes only.*edit*Thanks for the sliver kind person"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the \"telephone\" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, \"That's nice, but...\" \"Look at what kids your age make in China!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are thousands of different mosquito species And they all suck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We all know about Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly... ... I'm not a fan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK, Rolling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Purchase these 60 bad dad jokes in the giftbox below when you shop online at The Present Finder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't fish cry? Because they don't have eyebrows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself? A pair of pantyhose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, \"And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow.\" She then glared off camera and continued... \"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do pigs communicate? Swine language"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a donkey in space? An ass-tronaut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common? They both make good crops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my son asked, \"Can you lend me a book mark?\" I immediately burst into tears.12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers? Kids : no ideaDad : mentos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a giraffe? A visit from the ethics board an a rescind of your grant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked into the doctor's surgery He had half a bun on his head, a sausage behind his ear, several pickles in his shirt and an ice cream cone on his foot.The doctor took one look and said\"Im afraid you're not eating properly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is common between Reddit and China? They both don't like opinions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants? A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently read that initially Daniel Radcliffe was the first choice to play Frodo Baggins, but he decided he didn't want to I bet the producers were glad that Elijah Wood!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Nigerians does it take to change a light bulb? Never mind, I forgot there was no electricity in Nigeria."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hear the weather in Saudi Arabia is very Sunni... But the weather in Iran is Shiite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I rubbed a lamp and genie popped out, he said I could have ONE wish, so I wished for some of my words to be replaced with the names of cartoons I am having a few Rugrats"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said: “That was a great match!”  “Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.  “Yes! I wish you had seen it!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Microsoft has released Windows 7, Windows 8, and Windows 10. What happened to Windows 9 ? Seven ate nine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my stepson \"what would you like to call me\" \"Pop\" goes the weasel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are a pig's favourite past time? Bakin'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer Lawyer: Mickey I’ve looked over all the paperwork and you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s crazyMickey: I never said she was crazy I said she was fucking Goofy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero. Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.But they’ll be 0K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood. EDIT: sorry, type-O"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people. One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Gilbert O'Sullivan came into my bank the other day,\" \"What did he want?\"\"A loan again, naturally...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Before i married my wife she like a hurricane She was a 5 but now shes 2"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if this post gets 1,000 likes, I can get Anal on my cake day So please upvote because this house hasn’t been cleaned in months and I want it spotless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Famous Last Words List your favorite ones. The one I liked the most when I was growing up:Tarzan: \"Who greased the vine?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nowadays there's too many musical instruments It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced? I thought they had a really strong foundation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer say about his favorite drum set? Now THAT’S a drum set I can get behind!... buh dum cschhhhhhhh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache... I guess I’m black toast intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class I replied, \"no wonder you're the biggest dick'this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator It's not cool man"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There were two sausages in a frying pan... One said to the other, \"Damn, it's hot in here!\"Other one said, \"Fuck me, it's a talking sausage!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common? They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily. So I offered, \"some add vise.\" ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where can you find a free pair of designer shoes in any size? The mosque"}
{"character": "random", "line": "During the Middle Ages, a young prince is relaxing in his palace waiting for a love letter from a princess in the next kingdom. A pigeon flies in holding a letter in its beak. The prince takes the letter, opens it and reads:\"Limited time special: Get your sword polished for only 5 gold coins.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish no good at tennis? They don’t like getting close to nets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a therapists office And the therapist asks what do you think will be going through your head in 3 Years? hopefully a bullet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tiger Woods wanted to play at The Masters..... But everyone knew he’d have trouble getting past the turn."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971) It's like there's no tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature It went from 0 to 100 real quickP.S sorry Americans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, COVID makes your sense of hearing and your logic weaker. I mean, have you seen this year's Eurovision!?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Good news; Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows no evidence of cancer ...her autopsy results revealed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The rotation of earth really makes my day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the burglar so sensitive? He takes things personally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed? A: It was very sweepy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the funeral that took place before lunch? Some would say it was in the mourning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness. The new name being \"U.O.K.?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I became a proud dad today My son is actually 4 years but he was really boring for the first 3 years"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to collect marbles I  used to collect marbles.Then I lost them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm building a dating app exclusively for people working in bars ...look out for BarTinder"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fishing is a great way to recuperate. Whenever you’re feeling bluegill or like nobody gives a crappie. Or if you’ve fallen on your bass and you’re sturgeon for the truth. Don’t ever trout that cod will be there for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Trump always use a golf cart when golfing? Walking the course is far too taxing on him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pancake become the king? He u-syruped the throne."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples. So I guess I lost that pissing contest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being a plastic surgeon must be hard... Not even a familiar face to keep you company"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil I wouldn't pay 200 dollars to have a lentil on my face"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't believe what your school bully tells you. Always take it with a grain of assault."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender. And bonus, Donald Drum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who finishes last in medical school? Hopefully not my doctor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today. He said \"this is the first time I've had a pat on the back\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favourite word in the English language is frequently I try to use it as often as possible"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family. Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states Solid, liquid and gas"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who finishes last in medical school? Hopefully not my doctor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I was a Medium I'd pretend to channel Marshall McLuhan.. then just sit there silently with a smug look on my face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the creationist student say when asked why he didn't have his homework on natural selection? My dogma ate it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner? It was a master bait & switch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol. He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China is already welcoming Biden China is already welcoming Biden.They have even named a central landmark in Beijing for Biden.\"FOR BIDEN CITY!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sand Castle with Grandma Today, I made sand castles with my grandma, but for some reason, everybody freaked out and called the cops on me.Next time, I'll do it away from the cremation center."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an axe that was once owned by George Washington. My great-great grandfather had to replace the handle.  And my grandfather had to replace the blade, but it's Washington's axe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If anyone should wish to bequeath their gold to me.. I will be their bullion heir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the average temperature at Motown Records? Three Degrees, Four Tops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner We found himalayan in the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got bitten by a mosquito and now I can't stop singing \"Nessun Dorma\" I think I might have male-aria."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'll never forget on the last day of vacation when the front desk dialed our room. That was a real wake-up call."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wanna know what’s not illegal in California? Wildfires."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Jewish man is walking down the sidewalk. As he goes to cross the street he is hit by a car and hurled through the air causing him to hit his head. A beautiful woman sees this and takes off her coat as she runs over to the man. She lifts his head and places the jacket under his head. She tells the man not to move and that she is going to call for an ambulance. But before she gets up to get her phone out and call she asks the man, “Are you comfortable?”To which the man replies, “Eh, I make a  living.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does everyone hang out with matches? Because they're lit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter? Because the shelter was non prophet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a stage production of \"The Three Pigs\" yesterday. The pigs were pretty boaring, but the wolf really brought down the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open. A terrible, early form of click bait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So they say a Harriet Tubman's face is going on the $20 bill. Excellent, I can't wait to start using black people as currency again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dim witted friend thought his new girlfriend might be ‘the one’. But after looking through her dresser drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit and a police woman uniform, he finally decided.....if she can't hold down a job she's not for him.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a power cut at the supermarket today.... 2 blondes were stuck on the escalator for hours."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is a magician. He can turn a Bud Light into domestic violence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hated Sex Ed at school Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?” And thus the giraffe was born."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A person unsure if God exists rolled a numbered cube to determine the answer. It was a diagnostic test."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when bigfoot stomps on your garden? Squash"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss calls me \"The computer\" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I woke up and watched the Religion channel for a change... And there was a man shouting at me on the tv. \"YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS, BUT YOU HAVE ALREADY SINNED TODAY!\". \"But I just woke up, I'm still in bed\", I thought. I rolled over and asked my sister if I had sinned today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked up to a girl and said, \"Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums.\" \"Erm...what?\" she asked.I said, \"I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, \"Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?\" He confided in me... \"Because they make the toys.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it called PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What role does Queen Latiff play in The Equalizer? A vigil-aunty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see the Chinese flag on the moon? There are children all over China bragging they sewed it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between \"ooo\" and \"aaa\"? About three centimeters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parenrs were very principled people... When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson....about brand loyalty._ credits to Anthony Jeselnik"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid we would get some big tires, then get inside and roll down the hill. Those were the Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Dad is Glaswegian, I brought my first girlfriend home one day and introduced her, \"This is Amanda\". \"It's a fucking what!?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man opened a snail farm. He said that it is a slow moving business"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders. That seems like a sound strategy to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game. I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dwayne Johnson is doing a battle scene for a movie... When suddenly the villain he is fighting kicks him in the butt.Dwayne shocked, responds \"you've just hit rock's bottom\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mate was boasting about being amazing at geography. So I decided to test him, I asked him where Uganda was. His response was: “in the house with my grandmother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make a clock with no battery for the digital clock competition but it didn't count."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth? A lyre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an onion that likes to rhyme? A Rapscallion!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Turtle beat the Hare? It used a razor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife gives me head every Monday. She won't let any of Sunday's roast chicken go to waste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Microsoft did a commerical for a disability controller, I wonder how they did the casting. Wanted disabled kid for a commercial must know a Fortnite dance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here's a tip:Don't say 'yes' to drugs! Also, don't say 'no' to drugs!Seriously, don't talk to them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been watching far too much television lately. My dreams have adverts in them now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that’s just my two scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chef sees a plate on the floor. He storms to his coworker. The coworker looks at him with a grin.\"What's wrong with you?\"\"With my own two hands, I caused a dishaster!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history? The shovel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a company that sells makeup? A foundation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs. It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to grill something good for watching today's horse race But my butcher didn't have any Belmont steaks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a little joke for the ladies Unfortunately, it's in my underpants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Angelina Jolie walks into a florists.'I'd like to buy some flowers', she says. 'Orchids?' says the florist. 'No, just flowers today'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said I don't know, it happened so fast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time. It runs in the jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of disease did the airport have? A terminal illness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa Claus is near I can sense his presents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did my cat know tomorrow's weather? He looked at the fur-cast"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students, Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer. Hans is literally the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What the difference between Pizza and Musician? A pizza can feed a family of 4."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is EU like a frying pan? Because Greece is stuck at the bottom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others. The rangers kicked me out!Said I was Crittersizing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. That can't just be a coincidence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Cause you shouldn't press your luck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking? LinkedIn Park"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Some tosser has taken the appendix out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an internet scammer's favorite sport? Phishing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A male kangaroo told me to get off my phone Ok boomer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They started a poetry contest at my local prison But I don't know how I feel about that There are prose and cons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains When Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground. Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, \"What is it?\"Tonto said, \"Buffalo come.\"Lone Ranger asks, \"How can you tell?\"Tonto replied, \"Ear sticky.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up. Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said \"Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish.\" Sean frowned \"For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse. Don't worry, it's in a stable condition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a person is sueing a product for blinding him/her in one of their eyes, they should win double the amount Because they are not gonna be able to see half of it anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a kid I was told that, \"Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.\" Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, \"..help control the pet population.\"I was raised to listen to my elders..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a local female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them. It just gives us some scents of perp puss."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements? The atoms family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad just told me that slumber prices are at an all-time-high! Seems his dream house is gonna to have to wait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes? A pomme de terrier"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kid’s pet rabbit Gotye went missing a week ago. Now it’s just some bunny that we used to know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how the ninja turtles wear masks Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my wife while we working at the same museum I met my wife while we were working at the same museum. Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971) It's like there's no tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over... Sew boring!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach? You know.... back Before we were born?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian To show up at my funeral in black suits and say  \"thank you boss\", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does cheese come in a big wheel? It’s a fris*brie*sorry for such a cheesy joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm going to start a sperm bank and I'm going to call it get a load of this guy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do if you see two snails fighting Nothing, just let them slug it out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy? An Oopsie-daisy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife They were his Catlery"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hear it’s a good time to buy real estate in Texas! The housing market is flooded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend is in a wheelchair and was tired of people \"trying\"to help him by pushing his chair for him. So to stop this he put 2 dildos on the handles.heh , true story..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I brought a date to the 4th of July party... ...really sweetened up the fruit salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets are green.. If you were on acid, you would know what I mean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Orange! Orange who? Orange you glad I lost the election?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Wife just rang to tell me \"Three girls in the office have just received flowers from their Men, they're absolutely gorgeous\" I said......... \"Thats probably why they received flowers!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mermaid wear for maths class An algaebra"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shovels are incredible They're ground-breaking technology!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fish has a medical degree? A Sturgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl. Person 2: Who?Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin. While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk. But it just sounded like junk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(real news) In Virginia, a man stole a samurai sword from a store by hiding it in his pants. He later denied having the sword, telling police he *was* just glad to see them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty. “What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.      “Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John was excited to move into his new condo which was exactly below Dwayne Johnson's apartment. But soon he became ignorant & oblivious to things happening around him. Why? Because John was living under The Rock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on... Canada Day was yesterday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two big girls walk into a bar They order drinks, in a thick accent.\"You two ladies from Ireland?\" asks the bartender.Offended, one of them replies **\"Wales!\"**\"Oh I'm so sorry,\" says the bartender, \"Are you two whales from Ireland?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I’m terrified of owls Therapist: Who?Me: *Screams*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t stop laughing at pictures of mountain ranges They are hill areas!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my friend had a talk about planes. It was plain Boeing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a ghost's favourite yoghurt flavour? Boooooooberry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use \"beef stew\" as a password? It's not stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad and I were checking out at the store when the checker asked him if he wanted paper or plastic. He responded, 'Either, I'm bisacktual.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do ghosts search the web? They use ghoul-gle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day my mum made a stew out of cow intestines. It tasted offal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to deal with spiders in your office? Hire them for web development."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, \"How was your journey?\"The baby mosquito replied, \"It went great, everyone was clapping for me!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’. When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps! Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything. I told her “No, I’m just Windows shopping.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've had some pain in my stomach ever since I ate those Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys CDs. I think I've got indiegestion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold. I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a card today and on the envelope in big red letters said, \"PLEASE DO NOT BEND.\" \"How am I going to pick it up?\" I thought to myself ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, “Too soon.” It was September 10th."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Therapist “how’s your mental health?” Me “well lets just say there is no health anymore” Im just mental now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Canadian curling team’s favorite board game? Sorry Sliders"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Christmas I was just minding my own business when I was visited by a few ghosts. The plot Dickens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Greek mythology class is killing my GPA. I guess you could say it's my Achilles' elbow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke for all you sorting by new. A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.An **optimist** sees light at the end of a tunnel.A *realist* sees a freight train.The ***train driver*** sees three morons standing on the train tracks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it Close butt, no cigar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Lion and a Tiger escaped with a Jaguar from a British zoo. They were caught 15 miles down the road when the Jaguar broke down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Japanese man with a head wound? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence. Jimmy went to school and ate his lunchbecomesJimmy went to school and ate his colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink and Michael had a penis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, reports say he fell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain.And the woman says, \"Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter! She's my Japaniece.Edit: guys, I see my mistake.Shiiit. Well imma leave now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, \"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?\" \"Why do you want to talk to me?\" she asked puzzled. \"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion? Because it was a Wayne-y day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment. They are already experts at recycling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In honor of Throwback Thursday, here's a joke from 2008. What will happen if Hillary Clinton becomes president?She will file for divorce.And what will happen if Barack Obama becomes president?He'll have the White House repainted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are portholes/windows in boats round? So the water doesn’t hit the sailors square in the face!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tutankhamen: If you find ten guys to help, I'll cut you in on a slice of the treasure Slave: This sounds like a pyramid schemeTutankhamen: A what?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Power Plant that was bad for the environment all year? He got coal for Christmas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you remember what it was like, blowing bubbles when you were just a little kid? Well, I saw Bubbles the other day and he asked me for your phone number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar... Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,\"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?\" The other says,\"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated. Cop 2: Hate crime?Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chun Li: Can I ask you a question? Ken: SURE-YOU-CAN!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the woman who backed up into a fan? Disaster.Dis-assed-her.Copyright Chris Farley."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night. Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do making love in a canoe and Michelob Ultra have in common? They are both fucking close to water."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania... ..and clicked 'add to cart'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Irish man bouncing off the walls? Rick O Shea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The mother in law fell down a wishing well to my amazement. Damn, I never knew those things worked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My resolution this year is to stop trolling So try not to post anything too stupid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl For instance ;My name Address and phone number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales? Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my copilot, “What are all these buttons for?” He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does PETA love K-pop? They’ve always been huge fans of youth in asia (euthanasia)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers? Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings. This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of butchers? A meating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was afraid I had Covid because I thought I lost my sense of taste. Turns out I'm just a shitty cook."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A musician walks in to a music store. \"I'm looking for an instrument that goes *ding*.\" he says.\"*Ding*?\" asks the confused shopkeeper.The musician replies \"You'll do fine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"You know when you go to a garage sale, and you find a dusty old box of National Geographics? Yeah, well you're kind of like that.... You've got issues going way back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a book I bought a book entitled \"an exorcist explains the demonic\".I don't know what possessed me !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested. Turns out counter fitting is illegal!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The bidding was proceeding furiously when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.” “If returned, he has agreed to pay a reward of two thousand dollars!”There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, “Two thousand five hundred!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You kids have it easy with your convenient music streaming services and your smartphones. When we were teenagers, if we wanted to listen to an album by our favourite Australian alt rockers, we had to download it from Napster and put it on a CD ourselves. We were burning the Midnight Oil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the dog survive a flood? Because it was a good buoy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blonde woman with 2 brain cells? ...pregnant!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler. He lost my case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating. I scored full Marks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about coronavirus? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say at the strip club? Ho! Ho! Ho!You’re all on my naughty list!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common? they all help make a really convoluted joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The scariest punchline to a long-running joke: \"Welcome to the Oval Office, President Trump!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were. I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other...... One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - \"I don't make way for idiots!\"The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - \"I do!\" and backed up his car..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop? To make ends meat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my daughter, \"Go to bed. The cows are in the field.\" Puzzled, she asked, \"What's that got to do with anything?\"I told her, \"That means it's pasture bedtime!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, \"How was your journey?\"The baby mosquito replied, \"It went great, everyone was clapping for me!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the first time in his professional career Tiger Woods failed to make the cut at the Arnold Palmer invitational People are saying he just rolled over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do penises and semi colons have in common? I often put them in the wrong places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested. Turns out counter fitting is illegal!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas? It's super ape peeling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dyslexic kid push his brother out of the window? He wanted to see Tim fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother has been teaching me how to make my favourite meals, but there's one that I just can't seem to get right. I'm great at lasagne, fantastic with casseroles but as soon as I get my hands on minced beef and beans..It's chilli-con-carnage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once knew this guy who hated all high-range intruments. He was a huge bassist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One from 3rd Grade: What's the name of the funniest mountain range? The Himhilarious"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea. I think they would have preferred cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My my wife said she was leaving me because of my wierd obsession with Marvel characters. I said, please Yondu that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nelson was 5ft 4\". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft. Thats Horatio of about 3:1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i read the story about JFK the ending was mind blowing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Jewish dad cut off his son's gaming budget? Because his son had four skins already."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A suspected poacher was trampled to death by an elephant then eaten by lions in a South Africa safari park last week. Some hunters claim their work is 'beneficial to the greater animal population'.\n\nWell in this case I agree, those lions might have got a bit peckish otherwise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Pink Panther say when he got to the cul-de-sac? Dead end. Dead end.Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said \"Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The hippocampus is like the Martin Luther King Jr. part of the brain because it's always like ... I have a dream!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'? The Price of wood is so damn high....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a potassium joke? K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moovies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually, it came back to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the chef clear his head at work? He went for a wok."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the scariest tree? BamBOO!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Enjoy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So apparently Robert Downy Jr came out as trans recently, I had a feeling he was Fe-male"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman was gathering plates in her kitchen... Her boyfriend comes from behind and very playfully starts to kiss her on the neck.Her : Babe, stop it, I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher.Him : Yeah, me too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?” “By all means, help your shelf.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6000 languages in the world And you chose to talk shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him.\" \"Why?\" \"My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm sure I bought a pair of camo pants. But I've looked all over my house and I can't find them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After traveling to Moscow, the Russian Opposition leader thought he got bitten by a suspicious wasp. Turns out it was a cagey bee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset. Frankly, it's not her bismuth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy breaking into peoples houses and drinking all their coffee? I don't know how he sleeps at night!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Trump play golf after the election ? Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score."}
{"character": "random", "line": "WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep! 25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are synthetic fibres like the police? They don't let you breathe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't salmon watch cable television? They prefer streams."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned over and whispered, \"They're right behind you. . .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "P1: what's the difference between a baby and a toothbrush? P2: i don't knowP1: well, I'm never letting you babysit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Its OK to make mistakes, everybody does! My parents are a great example, they made me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a gray line between getting a metaphor right or wrong And in the fine area there's a punch line"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Swedish people love their country? Because they have Stockholm syndrome"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Mr. Krabs’ Favorite Element? Silver“Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The USA is number 1 when dialing internationally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from being an eulogy writer. Because the only thing I wrote was “plethora.” I thought it meant a lot to a lot of people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit. baseball.bat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive? He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zoom meetings are basically seances with the living... Brian, are you there? Make a sound if you can hear us. Is anyone with you? Can you hear us?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives. So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A truck full of hair restorer tonic overturned and spilled on the freeway today Police are combing the area"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Londoners went to the sperm bank. A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter! The dog isn’t going to come anyways.But what do you call a eunuch with no legs?Still doesn’t matter! He’s not going to cum anyways!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot? Get out of my face!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge. Ulysse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck So they put the meal on the duck's bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have more oranges than I have apples And you thought that I can't compare apples and oranges..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Compliments of Hank Green"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent... Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, \"When Harry Met Sally\" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight... You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends dragged me to an elephant boxing match the other day... ... I had a terrible time. It was impossible to tell the fighters apart; they both had gray trunks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somebody must have roofied my drink last night. I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication It's for Hispanic attacks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a rainbow when it breaks the law? It goes through the prism system"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst cat to have on your lap? Probably a bulldozer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a ghost do when it gets upset? Loses its sheet!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are Gorillas stupid? Of course, who else would complain about a 19$ drink but keep coming back to the same bar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a video game rematch? A Wii-match."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't towels can't tell jokes? They have a dry sense of humor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we \"be positive,\" but it's just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign \"Gott Mit Uns\" The English replied with a sign of their own \"We got mittens too\"Real story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18? Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty. “What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.      “Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone. Client: Over my dead body!Headstone Designer: Yes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the ecoterrorist who tried to start another ice age to combat climate change? They charged him with crimes against humidity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a Microsoft advent calendar... But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave. It’s “The Cologne Wars.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Isn’t it crazy how many boomers love 1911s? It’s like that gun has a Colt following!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always take life with a grain of salt... Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence \"The marbles fell out of my pocket.\"Vs\"The marbles fell out of my colon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month. I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just lost my virginity. The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.It's like I have entered another body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been watching far too much television lately. My dreams have adverts in them now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server? That would be Hillaryous.Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it that there are no subtitles for the last 15 minutes of \"Titanic\"? A good caption always goes down with the ship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the roman dad name his fat newborn? Voluminous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Denmark: \"We will kill 17 million minks by 2021.\" China: \"I killed 20 million in two weeks.\"World: \"You killed 20 million minks in 2 weeks??\"China: \"Oh no, sorry, I must've misheard you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "The hulk is the only bisexual marvel character He smashes everything"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin? They're afraid of change."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday They were shocking"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please! I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there” The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam. It makes my patients really nervous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why you taking your girl to Maine this summer? I'm going to Bangor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I have good news and bad news,\" a defense attorney told his client First the bad news:The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.\"\"Oh, no!\" cried the client. \"What's the good news?\"\"Your cholesterol is down to 140.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can i see your report card ? Dad :  \"Can I see your report card, son?\"Son: \"I don't have it.\"Dad: \"Why?\"Son: \"I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules something about not having Chemistry together"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most? An itching butt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad They had great chemistry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was gonna try taking some steps to boost my self esteem... But to be perfectly honest, I don't think I deserve it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar an drinks 10 straight double whiskys one after the other, suddenly he keels over rubbing his stomach head bowed, barman says to the man, 'what's the matter?' Man says 'I shouldn't of drank that whisky with what I've got', barman says 'why what have you got?' Man says 2quid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde goes to the doctor and says \"I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina\" The doctor takes a look and says \"Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?Me:No he wants to become one to"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What can jelly beans do that you can't? Come in different colors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were. I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\" The man stammered, \"Yes.\"Bang!  The robber shoots him.He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\"The husband quickly responds, \"No....but my wife did!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mum, dad and their son go to the zoo. When they get to the elephants, one walks over in their direction. The son asks the mother “what’s that hanging done”. The mother says “that’s his trunk”. “No behind that” says the son. “Oh that’s nothing” replies the mother. The son then asks the dad, who says “that’s the elephant’s penis, son”. “Then why did mummy say it’s nothing?” Asks the boy. “Son, I’ve really spoiled that woman”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica. It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a DNA joke in my biology class but no one laughed. Guess my thymine was off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn't even know she sold them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something... A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.The hotel manager comes over and says, \"Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?\"The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, \"Nome, Nome, Nome.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says \"Fuck off you won't bring it back\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing. ...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bought A Pair Of Polarized Sunglasses Some people like 'em, some people hate 'em."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The War on Terrorism.... ....God's way of teaching Geography to Americans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it's not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches call their garage? A broom closet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A red and blue ship have collided in the Carribean sea. Apparently the suvivors are marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Venezuelans like 50 Cent But they call him two thousand dollars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I'm good at lip reading correctly... Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The dentist told me I need a crown. I'm like, \"I know, right?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman stops a prostitute that was working on the streets \"Aren't you thinking what would your mother says if she sees you doing it on the streets?\"Until the woman responded: \"Hit me without a doubt because this is her alley\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor. Me : You've got to br kidding.Scientist : This is no laughing matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: \"I got John Cena!\" Peppermint Patty: \"I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?\" Charlie Brown: \"I got The Rock.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion Probably because Mexico has more aliens"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My first marriage was a life-changing event. My second marriage was simply wife-changing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the carpenter say when noone believed they'd seen a ghost? \"I know what I saw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the two friends who pooled their money to buy a brand new saxophone? They recently entered into a same-sax relationship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Google Plus was the gym of social networking We all joined but no one ever used it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Before Elon Musk got into electric cars... ... he was plain old Lon Musk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just lost my virginity. The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.It's like I have entered another body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of the X-rated photography site for fisherman? OnlyFins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what’s really worth its weight in gold? Gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The president is a closet communist He likes to seize the means of reproduction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just finished building an Ikea shelf. I'm going to name it Joe. It's a bit shakey and leans slightly to the left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my 4 year old niece. Why did the snowman go to the doctor?Because he lost his balls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are crimson, violets are violet I have an art degree...you want fries with that?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A werewolf stenographer starts a YouTube channel from his post on a U-boat: Lychan Sub Scribe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do programmers like to hangout? The Foo Bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This waitress asked me a really stupid question She said, \"how did you find your steak sir?\"I said, \"well, I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Perfume commercials make no sense They have no relation to the program or chanel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.” Has tested positive for the virus!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after Now it smells like shit-rus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does two rice grains in the sink mean? Some Somalian has been up all night puking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed. The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been laundering money for a few months now. Seriously, this quarter has been in my washer for months"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited the Middle East last year... And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.Too hard for the camels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For All of my Fellow Bartenders... What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist ?A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo mamma's so fat They had to take her passport photo with Google earth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college? About thirty thousand dollars a year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool... She said “let’s see how the date goes first”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Dead, probably..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife... She says, \"Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one.\"  He says, \"I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and covered in bacon grease? Kermit's finger"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority? Because he likes Dicks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you chop a tree down in the middle of the forest, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down Do you think it's stumped?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side. It scared my wife pretty bad. I assured her he’s all right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Dead, probably..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater... It was too big a whisk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who specializes in selling insurance to hand models? A digital security specialist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky. They sure are a handful to raise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here is a joke about a pencil with a broken tip. Never mind it is pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save... ...She's definitely a keeper!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Chinese men are robbing a distillary The first one says \"it this whiskey?\"The second replies \"yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’ve heard about the driver that was tired But have you heard of the cyclist that didn’t show up cause he was two tired?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene? Shit went down here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday... I said, \"Aw, I don't need presents, I just want a nice, relaxing massage and some of that great sex we used to have.\"Anyway guys, it worked, she is buying me so much stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman: Im very sorry Ma'am, but it looks like your husband got hit by a bus. Lady: Im aware of that sir, but John has a wonderful personality."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the flower so dangerous? It had a concealed pistil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says... I will grind you and I will grill you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone loves potato skins and french fries, But nobody likes dick taters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do American school kids learn the metric system? 9 millimeters at a time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive.\" I think they've hired Neymar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I watched a movie called \"The Adjustment,\" about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes an famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't really like it. Too much backstory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do when you suddenly walk into a tiger and a jaguar? You get in the jaguar and drive off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was trying to read the newspaper, but every third word was redacted. Whatever, I like the comics better than the classifieds anyways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are\" Ok. BTW what's my last name?\"Scissorhands\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads \"Idaho\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do on a remote island? Try and find the TV island it belongs to."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many Chinese restaurants have names like, Golden Palace, Golden Lotus, Golden Dragon... But mine is named after my favourite dish, Golden Retriever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What shade of orange is okay, but not great? Mediochre"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said he could tell a better glove pun than me. But I'm not gauntlet that happen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia? Narco Polo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer. The customs officer asks: \"Name?\"  The Russian replies: \"Vladimir Krylov\"  The customs officer continues: \"Occupation?\"  The Russian replies: \"Not yet, just visiting.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife I can’t find the matching decorative pillow case... She said it’s a sham."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle. But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bandage is giving a speech to an auditorium full of people when all of a sudden, in walks a leg with a knife wound... ...the bandage says \"I suppose we better wrap this up\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant He said: it’s naan of your business"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get Donald Trump to visit a memorial in the rain? Tell him the forecasts predict golden showers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a library full of fake news? A lie-brary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Here's an old one. Who curses the most in Star Wars? R2-D2, everything he says is bleeped out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where's the best place for a horse to grow up? In a stable environment.Sorry I'm high and it just came to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the skeleton know it was going to rain? He read the weather forecast you fucking idiot, what do you think?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe walks into a bar Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on banging on the wall at 3:00 A.M. It's really disrupting my drumming practice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "if you added the letters S and E to the X files it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Great 1st Ladies of the United States have there own cause. Michelle Obama’s: Your Truth, Melania Trump’s: Be Best... Jackie Kennedy’s: Take your shot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845 One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two blondes are in geography class together... One asks the other\"Which is closer, London or the moon\"The other replies\"The moon, obviously, can you see London?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If squirrels could tell jokes, they'd be quick and to the point Because they'd be in a nut shell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do girls always have the last word in an argument Cause their the ones with a period"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home... The smile on her face vanished when I took away her cardboard box."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, \"Where do you see yourself in five years?\" I told him, \"I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires have no friends? They suck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don't even know where he got someone else's feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad and I were checking out at the store when the checker asked him if he wanted paper or plastic. He responded, 'Either, I'm bisacktual.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? \"Hey there bud!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to make a brief joke, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? By whether you see it later or in awhile."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space We don't seem to have established a functional continuum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Year 2020 passed like a kid reciting the alphabet. January — ABCD...  February — EFG...  March — HIJK...  April to December — ELEMENOP."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are so many scams on the internet now days. Send me $19.95 today and I can tell you how to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2019 is the first calendar year... Where the 24th was the end of May."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos. She had to stop after a problem with squatters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner We found himalayan in the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman pulled me over on his motorcycle. I don't know why, I told him I was only borrowing it for 5 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pigs surf in Hawaii? Bay-kona"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was walking along a solitary forest path when he came across a fork in the road. He stopped and pondered for a second....and then he picked the fork up, dusted it off and used it to eat his lunch.Can't let a perfectly good utensil go to waste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirates favorite CD? A CD-R"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch I’ve come to my senses"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Friend Asked Me If I Would Give Up Blowjobs or Junk Food I said are you stupid that's easy, blowjobs.... They make my jaw hurt"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve heard one beer = 7 slices of bread I ate a whole loaf and I’m not drunk yet.Did I do it wrong?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering.... .....but the illegal part would be the gathering."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Melinda moved out of Bills mansion the other day... I hope someone remembered to update their drivers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm tired of seeing Frozen merchandise everywhere... Why can't everyone just let it go?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Dragonborn climb the 7000 steps? He wanted to see what all the Fus was about.(Credit to a youtube comment i saw)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.\" —Henny Youngman Henry \"Henny\" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the \"one-liner\". 1906 - 1988"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My summer job in high school involves getting up at 1 in the morning with a glass of water and a paintbrush. It isn’t very high paying, but I make dew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena's full name is \"John Felix Anthony Cena Jr.\" Didn't see that one coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the death of the creator of Mad Libs? I never thought ________ would happen during _______"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Charles Darwin say to the animals he discovered \"Naturally I've selected you all for dinner\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium. HONK"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented? There's been a ground breaking discovery..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender. I said \"It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary.\" She paused and then nodded and replied:\"Yes, that seems like common scents.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you run out of toilet paper in the wilderness? Take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting would pair well with magical trees but it's actually enticing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm hiding in my Finnish Neighbours shed, waiting to jump out and surprise him. It's like a sauna in here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you brain wash a politician? Give him an enema."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Trump play golf after the election ? Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a crocodile’s favorite party game? Swallow the leader!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a oxygen addiction I tried to stop yesterday, but after a minute I started feeling blue"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a list with columns and rows of reasons why you hate people? A contempt-table"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Muslim eating a lettuce? Saladin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water... Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part about an unexpected box of Crayons? It's out of the blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs? Wedding cake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.  It's a total rip-off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons. You could say I was in a pickle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dude walks into a party dressed as an instrument. Dude: How do you like my harp costume, Bro?Dude's Bro: Dude, that's actually to small to be a harp, man.Dude: *gasp* Are you calling me a lyre?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beach locals have been enjoying the decrease in cruise-ship pollutants. No Shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I messaged my ex on the day before my exam. I asked if she had any good cheating tips"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860 Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I posted myself drawing a perfect freehand ellipse on r/gifs. Everyone loved it and started trying themselves. We were all complimenting each others steady hands, when one guy commented, \"circle jerk!\". \"What an idiot\", I thought and replied, \"oval, you moron!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time. It runs in the jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ghosts wear to see better? Spooktacles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words, too, but underwater is one of my favorites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What did the photon say to the hotel bellhop? A: No luggage, I'm traveling light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds do when they become rich? They make it rain!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: \"Does this taste funny to you?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $ That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter? They were cantaloupe farmers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon. Neil before me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table? A *circonference*."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a greedy farmer who gets really bad headaches They're my grains"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joke from Slovakia The earlier post reminded me of a joke my brother saw in a newspaper when he lived in Bratislava.Two guys are sitting on a couch watching television.Buddy: Hey, do you know how to play the piano?Guy: I don't know, I've never tried!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident. The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams. Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which fictional character i would totally bang? My Girlfriend!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You’ve heard of television but have you heard of Askahearing?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to become someone serving the community and helping people ever since i was little. On Mondays - Thursdays,  i am a doctor. Fridays - Sundays , I'm a Police officer.  Being a stripper is challenging."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a cafe the other day... And I saw an unusual item on the menu: a duck sandwich. And I thought, how sad...Finally the duck is surrounded by bread, but in no position to enjoy it(Credit to the one and only Karl Chandler)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons. You could much more easily control inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials. I guess they don’t meet the koalafications."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cucumber who sold his soul to be pickled? He made a dill with the devil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I asked a kid from Saudi Arabia what his favorite method of suicide was He perked up and said you want to know how to start a newspaper column"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, \"There's a hell of a lot of steps here.\"The second drunk says, \"I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The the first thing to do after you realize you've made a mistake is to locate your clothes. Then get the heck outta there before that mistake wakes up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An alligator and crocodile both walk into a bar. Sitting next to each other, they both order the same drink. The alligator spits out his drink claiming it to be disgusting. The crocodile looks at him claiming it isn't that bad. The alligator looks at the crocodile and simply says one thing: \"Well that's a croc.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the redneck say when he walked in on his daughter using a cucumber to masturbate? Hey! I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like cucumber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can’t even."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Statistician is playing darts The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, \"bullseye!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have 11 New Year Resolutions... * Never make resolutions* Be accepting of paradoxes* Use the binary number system more often"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man that looks like a receipt? Bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a joke recorded in an old book from my great great great great grandfather in 1881 A married woman said to her husband. “You have never taken me to the cemetery.” “No dear,” replied he. “that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists are making a big show about this new crop of Okra they engineered to not give you gas... It's called Okra Windfrey."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit's logo should be a bit more green. To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the brain experience so much anxiety? Because it’s part of the nervous system"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was born by c-section and I turned out fine. Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are always telling me to follow my dream. But when you've been arrested for stalking and need bail money, they're nowhere to be found."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it. This is because windows no longer supports Flash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the cannibal who had problems with eating brains? The others gave him a hand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was pretty mad when they told me my flat earth movie was nominated for an award. Golden globes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never understood the idea of invisible planes. I just can’t see them taking off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a chick magnet The repelling type"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you give a director who's broken their arm? A cast"}
{"character": "random", "line": "a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name \"boobies pics\" I never understood why bird watching was wrong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are Dad: I know, it's nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire world signifies a great woman. What is the word? Heroine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career? His driving game."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine. Only used once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wanted to exchange his hourglass for my globe. But I would never trade the world for more time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it Post office"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think.. ...You shellfish bastard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know the Middle East is about to go through a serious shitstorm when... ...commercial Oil tankers are attacked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized He would have built the wall using his own money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the writer who became a baker? They say he makes excellent synonym rolls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does everyone like the fisherman? He likes to keep it reel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone got a fork and a plate? Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "2020 is a unique leap year... It has 29 days in February.300 days in March.And 5 years in April."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cannibal shows up late for dinner They gave him the cold shoulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My anatomy class is covering the nervous system and I don't get any of this stuff. It's so nerve-wracking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out I would do anything for love but I won't do that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are. I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are a gorilla's nostrils so big? Just look at his fingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a dinosaur gets into a car crash? A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains? A riceist.(It sounds better when you say it aloud)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do those with open wounds deserve love the most? Because they're going to need a suture soon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My second joke: The 10 year old cannibal spilled his soup, So his mother gave him and earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl For instance ;My name Address and phone number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin? When around both, one eventually stops moving.Forgive me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hotel Porn I'm a modest man. I checked into my hotel recently and told the lady at the registration desk, \"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.\" She replied, \"No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street? Jaywalking"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my... Tenants"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do healthy cows eat for breakfast? Mooesli"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself. But apparently he just swallows his pride."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced? I thought they had a really strong foundation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best state to grow vegetables in? Okra-homa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you use to build a roof out of cheese? Kraft Shingles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the worst thing for a woman to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? \"I'm not Willie Nelson.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice. And that’s Chris Brown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stranger: \"Bob? Is that short for Robert?\" Bobert: \"No.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cow crossing a street sees a glove in ground. All ashamed and blushing goes: Oh my god. Who's bra is this NOTE: It's a dad joke but I didn't know how to make a #DadJoke label. So consider yourself warned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blue House is made of blue bricks, a pink house is made of pink bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks. What is a green house made of? Glass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two types of people. Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the farmboy ride the butcher's girl? Because he wanted a piggyback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have a good life , successful job and health Then i stopped playing Sims"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see each country has its own currency In the US they have the dollarIn the UK they have the pound In the EU they have the euroIn Australia they have toilet paper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "iPhone 8 should have no charging port. So you can use it only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge? John Wickipedia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park. Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”Translation - “Big? Thanks!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bill Clinton says \"Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?....... She says \"sure\"... and goes in there.  Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.Monica says \"That's not a clock\".  To which Bill replies \"It is if you put two hands and a face on it\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? It\"s called Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are the 3 worst mistakes in business 1. Over-promising 2. Under-delivering"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the baker have brown fingers? Because he kneaded a poo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history... It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a white supremacist at a BLM rally? An ambulance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor asked if I wanted a digital prostate exam.. He didn't mention there were no electronics involved but now  I get his point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a technique in theoretical physics that models complex systems as spherical cows. The Your Mom approach."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60... ...She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a self-help book on the importance of being able to let things go. I can't put it down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When do computers overheat? When they need to vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, \"That's a novel concept.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can a leopard change his spots? By moving."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses dress up as for Halloween? Night mares."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple? They're both red. Except for the green one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? \"I'm a big fan.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been sucking up to my boss at work to get a raise, so I told her she looked nice and I liked her perfume. She just started screaming and yelling \"how'd you get in my house!?!\". Now I'm in a cop car.  Think I'll still get it?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well,would you? If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which mythical creature casts no reflection? All of them, technically."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income. He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen? Moscow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got the attention span of a mosquito. It sucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Be a winner. Never, ever take drugs. Sell them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms... Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear caught in a rain shower. A drizzly bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do ISIS and anime fans have in common? They both get hot and bothered over cartoons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days. But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day So I nip out and fuck his wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I was laying in bed naked with my girlfriend when she started to cough. She told me she might need to get tested for Covid.  I pulled the covers over her head, then I farted.She goes \"ewwww, that stinks.  Oh my God I can taste it!!!\".Then I pulled the covers off of her and said \"Congratulations. You don't  have Covid\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang? he was ostrich-sized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, \"I want a grilled …. cheese.\" The waiter says, \"What's with the pause?\" \"Whaddya mean?\" the bear replies. \"I'm a *bear*!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline \"The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse\". When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror. And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself \"Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cucumber walks into a bar A cucumber walks into a bar.The bartender says, \"you got any ID?\"The cucumber hands him his license.The bartender looks at the picture and goes, \"nice try but this is obviously a pickle.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do physicians get into the hospital? the doc door"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids. You say \"yea we have been trying for a child for months now\"I hear \"Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach unless he’s a vegetarian.Then you can get there through his vagina."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tree fell over where I was standing What a re-leaf  I moved out of the way in time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt She felt the same waySo I turned on the air conditioner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At what angle do most car accidents happen? The Rectangle!(Wrecked Angle)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed. One month in and the EU has already lost a pound."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When/If Scotland becomes independent, what will the national currency be called? Doesn't matter, you won't be able to pry it out of the cheap bastards' hands anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?” He answered, “No, just visiting”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump talking about buying Greenland is having Americans confront their biggest adversary... ...geography."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a job at the mint making paper currency. That’s right, my job isn’t making cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\nWhenever my husband opens his wardrobe he shouts and curses.\n I think he's a cross dresser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard the gangs fighting again yelling, “THE RAVIOLI IS OURS.” And, “NO ITS NOT.” I questioned why they always fought Then I remembered it’s because I’m in the spaghetto"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the rectangle get sent to the principal's office? He said a square word"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The lives of morbidly obese people are like hourglasses If they don’t get turned upside down soon enough, they will be done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did thor have such a hard time accepting his brother was actually a frost giant? He was loki racist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Name a ground breaking invention A shovel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you bring beer to perfect serving temperature by angrily yelling at it? I - SCOLD - BEER !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free Tit for tat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before A rare moment of shelf discovery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*flips a coin* Head or anal ?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch I’ve come to my senses"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dave was doing push up in a garden noticed a man intently observing him... Dave raised questioning eyebrows, the man said sorry to break it to you buddy but woman under you have long gone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do Germans tell if bread is gluten free? They check the Gluten Tag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease. Guy: How rare?Doc: Really rare.Guy: What’s it called?Doc: You choose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A key that opens any lock is called a Skeleton Key. What do you call a lock that opens for any key? A shitty lock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Potatoes are taking over the world... They say it's the rise of the mashines"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator? I think I'm coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that new band Plastic? They mostly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finally my winter fat has gone - now I have spring rolls."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? It lifts their spirits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches? A: The outside!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: Oi - get out. We don't want your type here. Beef jerky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick. Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son is sort of like rapunzel But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Santa measure things? In santameters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a gang going through town, systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size. Police say they are still at large."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As they stood on top of The Eiffel Tower, watching a beautiful sunset, he got down on one knee and said, “Honey?” She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”He said, “Help! My replacement knee is made of magnets.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does texas have no power? Democrats stole the electrons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust. Me: Oh, man thats terrible. Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the cannibal who had problems with eating brains? The others gave him a hand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do when there's rough turbulence? Use an air plane!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just disconnected my home alarm and left the neighborhood watch program. I raised 2 Pakistani flags at each corner of the house and a black ISIS flag in the middle of the yard. I have the FBI, NSA, MI6, MI5, RCMP, CSIS and a few other agencies watching the house 24/7. I’ve never felt safer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him. This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius? 0 K boomer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "5 gangsters calmly walk into a bar. Immediately, a Karen rushes up to them and starts yelling at them to get out.\"What are you doing!?\" yells the bartender. \"They haven't even been here for two minutes!\"\"Well,\" the Karen retorts. \"I've heard that 5G's are bad for the environment!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some kids are afraid of Santa. They suffer from Claus-trophobia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mind has never been changed by anyone, not even once. It's been naked its whole life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians. Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place? They always bring up the rear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are televisions attracted to people? Because people turn them on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix. Kid: mmmph.. mmrr..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "r/Jokes won't allow you to sort by new anymore... Since everything is made of 100% recycled content."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between jam and jelly? Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snowman say to the hipster? Man, I thought I was white"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke for Generation Z about Social Security... ... But they're probably not going to get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Star Wars character would be best at limbo? Han So Low"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Building yachts I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I got everything I ever wanted for Christmas, and Santa brought you nothing!!\" said little Sam to his elder brother. \"But at least I do not have Leukemia\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the famous writer who turned out to be a fraud? His life had its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules something about not having Chemistry together"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend came back from vacation with long hair... ... and I wanted to make a joke about it, but I couldn't *comb* up with one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate so much I told them, “Just you wait!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is anyone interested in going to a charity event for women who have lost their legs? ...... the place is supposed to be crawling with pussy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are. I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Venezuelans like 50 Cent But they call him two thousand dollars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events. They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa have prostate cancer? Because he only cums once a year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was studying about human digestion, assimilation and it's product. It's all shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it \"Go Fly!\"but it didnt fly.Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of phone does an animal crossing character have A nookia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't make it at the sandpaper factory boss said I didn't have enough Grit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "English is not my first language. My American girlfriend texted me, \"myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative\"What is a ternative?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday Everything is buy one, get achoo free"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two pancakes were talking. One said to the other, waggling his eyebrows suggestively, \"hello.\" The other said \"ugh, get away from me, you crepe.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace. **ME:** That’s beautiful.**CARL DOUGLAS:** Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.**ME:** No, you’re right, that’s better. Carl’s is better."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to Satan’s YouTube channel? It got demon-itized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "And the first prize is [drum roll]: One night with Donald Trump. Second prize is two nights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to join the debating team but somebody talked me out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of music does bubble wrap not like? >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!P... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Ben. Ben who? Ben waiting here all day to get some candy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery? Because it didn't habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't they let the fungi into the party? There wasn't mush room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One night an airplane was burglarized, and all the toilet paper was stolen. When the police came to investigate, their report was inconclusive, because they had nothing to go on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it's corny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my father showed me a world of pain I know he sounds like a monster, but he was just a French baker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said... \"I think you're supposed to open that first\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shirts So like, you know how there's Extra Large and Extra Small sized clothing? Why can't I get something Extra Medium, like its the most generic sized shirt possible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many \"D\" 's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome. I swear by it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a female barber? barbara"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun! The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw an amazing picture of a printer on r/funny It was inkredditable"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If robert frost was bisexual... He would have gone both ways."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t believe it, someone stole all the light bulbs in my house? I was de-lighted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman in my office died. A woman in my office died. It’s not like I didn’t notice but for months afterwards I kept on copying her into emails. Some people got upset and I was like ‘Sorry - I CC dead people.’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Found my spirit animal It's a bull, because I too, run headfirst into red flags.I'll see myself out now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate loan sharks. Much better to just buy them outright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Russians can you fit in a lift? As many as you can Put-In."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle went to prison for stealing a board game He got life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: \"I got John Cena!\" Peppermint Patty: \"I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?\" Charlie Brown: \"I got The Rock.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep. huehuehue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the English pimp say to his accountant hooker? 'TALLY, HO!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he \"hunts tigers in Africa.\" When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies \"that's because I do my job\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, \"I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out.\" \"Fine with me,\" said the dentist, \"but I'll have to adjust the chair.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "To all those people that say \"age is just a number\"... ...well you're wrong, it's just a word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Cleveland Indians have officially decided on a new team name. Say hello to your new Cleveland Redskins!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Trump banned Tik Tok because it's made in China Why doesn’t he just ban the Corona Virus?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman just pulled me over. He came up to my window and said, \"papers?\" I said, \"Scissors, I win,\" and drove off.I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We've all heard the one about the twin boys - once you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal. But have you heard the one about the twin girls - Sharon is Karen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Classical joke for Christmas period. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cannibals freshen their breath? Men toes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I unscrambled the letters to spell “anger” “hate” “spite” and “malice” It was a cross word puzzle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass. Just like your mom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea? Supreme Liter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I destroyed a bag of leftover Chinese food It was an act of won ton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What member of the A-Team has a bachelor's degree? B.A. Baracus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's nice to see that my local supermarket is saving energy by raising the temperature of it's freezers. But \"Rocky Road\" soup is an acquired taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Canadian cartoon? Anim-eh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to visit my family this Easter, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth? A toothbrush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any “C”s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes. He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator. Yet only one in a hundred find this funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday. Nice gal, her names’s Ella."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, \"I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled\"The clerk replies in disgust, \"It's just regular porn, you sick fuck\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, \"What's black and white and red all over?\" \"Wow\" I replied. \"You speak English?\"She replied, \"Just a riddle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is the least acidic baseball player of all time? Al Kaline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are working conditions at the Tyre shop so poor? Because the squeaky wheel gets replaced"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches… My doctor said it's my grains."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters ? Anna One, Anna Two"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother does unspeakable things at the beach. She sells sea-shells on the seashore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't become a surgeon for the money; I didn't do it for the fame either I just didn't become a surgeon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago. He comes to me this summer and he goes... \"Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell him he will be held back a year.\"I was like, \"I guess you better tell him slowly so that he will get it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer say about his favorite drum set? Now THAT’S a drum set I can get behind!... buh dum cschhhhhhhh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time. I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl. Person 2: Who?Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tired traveler go to Romania? So he could Bucharest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bookstore and asks, \"Got any books on turtles?\" The shopkeeper replies, \"Hardback?\"The man says, \"Yeah. And little heads.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to eat a spaghetti squash... But then I thought, \"Nah, I butternut.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure. Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal It was a miner success"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife finds it strange that my toddler is a huge Tom Jones fan \"Well, it's not unusual\" i told her"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I thought I found a real velvet pillowcase... ...but it turned out it was just a sham."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do trees in Wisconsin lean south East? Because the Bears suck and the Vikings blow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Break a leg everyone! I was going to say 'Happy New Year', but I tried that last time, and it it didn't go very well"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who steals lotion? A smooth criminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman lent a blind man 100,000 dollars The blind man said: I’ll pay my debt when I see you.The blind man returned 1 week later. He pays the 100,000 dollars back and says:The surgery went well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils. Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.Media was alerted by an anonymous tip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area. This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!! That's the trouble with the news today, its all sax and violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hermaphrodite asks a doctor about the best way to become pregnant. After recommending a specialist the hermaphrodite responded \"I have already tried a specialist, but they told me to go fuck myself\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Randomly thought of this one What is a pilot's favorite flavored chip? Plain...Ok I'll leave now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the field medic say to the uncooperative wounded soldier? Suture self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 26 letters chipping in to make a big gamble? An alpha bet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes I talk to myself for no sane reason... Lol yea me too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I become famous... I want to get a huge marble bust made in my image.But I'm getting ahead of myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc... ... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the LOST cast's favorite cheese? Smoked Muenster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what's the best way to instantly blend into a crowd? suicide vest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Urinal etiquette tips It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk. But it just sounded like junk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would be a terrifying game show for flat-earthers? Sphere Factor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm in the hospital right now. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. But let me just say, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries? It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should just name hurricanes after politicians. That way we wouldn't have to worry about them actually coming through with anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is this movie about? It is about  hours long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nelson was 5ft 4\". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft. Thats Horatio of about 3:1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got to bang a 10/10 cougar after a night at the club Now I'm banned from the local zoo.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose  Nobody knows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s tough trying to explain Japanese history But I can Samurais it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short would've helped. Funeral's Thursday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.Credit. The Joke Cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the sesame seed get off the hill? It was on a roll."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It's my special tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when a ghost is sad? He starts boo-hooing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which school subject was the witch's favorite? Spelling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL the creator of Corn Pops also invented Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks His tombstone just says \"cereal entrepreneur\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just looked at me and pointed to a pea on her plate, she said I found it on the table behind my plate She said it was an esca-pea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when you’re eating rabbit stew? When you find a hare in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What makes santa immune from covid-19? Santabodies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The inventor of the throat lozenge died last month, there was no coffin at his funeral"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which city is the capital of food porn? Nuttingham"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where the experts are As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer. The truth is, it is just an asshole!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the snowman smiling? He could see the snowblower coming down the street"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount. They called it \"The Oregon Trail\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is watching TV together... ...and the man keeps switching channels back and forth between golf and porn over and over again.Finally, his partner says \"Jesus Christ,can you stop doing that please? Just leave it on porn! You already know how to play golf.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me \"have you ever been convicted of a felony?\" \"Does stealing a joke count?\" I asked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres. Person: <signing> How so?Me: <signing> You see what I mean?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One's a heated yam, and one's a yeeted ham."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to someone when they walk in on you while you’re on your gold-plated toilet? Welcome to my humble commode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL the creator of Corn Pops also invented Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks His tombstone just says \"cereal entrepreneur\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pravda news from April 27th 1986 Glorious Soviet technology allowed workers at Chernobyl power plant to complete five year plan of power production in mere five milliseconds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes... but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.He said: “Me? How?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lot of people don’t get enough fiber in their diet Tough shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl... 14."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mosquitos in Africa be like It's-a me! Malario!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving a jeep in a new video game It was a little buggy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Original (well I made it up hope it hasn’t been done before) Where do math teachers go out to eat?K(c), but when they are cooking at home they use their pizza O(n)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Home Remedies Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer,  my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an aged leaf drink? Maturi-Tea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you have when your mother in law is up to her neck in cement? Not enough cement"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Donald Trump’s form of currency? Trump change"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose…? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, a clam, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad helped me fix my computer today He told me the error code was “One D Ten T”. I didn’t understand what he meant until he told me to write it out. Still don’t get it tho."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my nephew that I was named after George Washington. He said, \"but Uncle, your name is Jon.\" I said,\"I know I was named AFTER George Washington.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock. 9. Nein your business. German knock knock jokes are non interactive for efficiency.... and they're not very funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For centuries, scientists said “Drake and Josh” couldn’t come to Hulu or Netflix But they found a way, they found a way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If 2020 was a math word problem: **If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do girls tend to make a big deal out of things when they are on their period? Because they are ovary acting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I parked my car outside parliament. \"Sir, you can't park here,\" said a cop. \"This is where our politicians work.\" \"Don't worry, I've locked it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, \"I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out.\" \"Fine with me,\" said the dentist, \"but I'll have to adjust the chair.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Invisible Cow How can you make a cow invisible?Camooflage"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a cow use to do math? A cow-culator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When do computers overheat? When they need to vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can one bird make a pun? No, but toucan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The recipe said, \"Set the oven to 180 degrees.\" But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do astronomers organize a party? They planet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work... She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a super watered down liquor with all the oxygen removed? Hydro-gin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The sky had a rainbow color to it today. I guess the sun's coming out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my father's side. But since the operation, now he's my uncle once removed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just came home from my first paleontology party where we spent the night searching for the lower leg bone of a new dinosaur. It was quite the shin dig."}
{"character": "random", "line": "City Planner: this intersection design would result in multiple, severe collisions every day **Hot Wheels Creator:** dope, right?**City Planner:** *[nodding]* super fuckin dope"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night. Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America. They will call it USB."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover? A rash of good luck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been looking everywhere for my U2 CD... but I still haven't found what I'm looking for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went a week without makeup and here's what happened: Nothing. No one gave a shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My frugal neighbor doesn't want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he's going to try and do it himself. \"How hard can it be?\" he said. I think he's in for a shock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire? Burn as well.(Translated from Czech)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got ripped off at the amusement park. A guy sold me tickets to the ferrous wheel. Turns out it’s made of aluminium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to someone when they walk in on you while you’re on your gold-plated toilet? Welcome to my humble commode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two digital artists in a fight? Graphic Violence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Mommy, why is some of your hair white?” “Well, you see my child,” says the mom.“Every time you make me sad, one hair turns white.”“Oh really mommy,” exclaims the daughter.“So then what did you do to grandma?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every dictionary has at least one mistake It’s in the “m” section, after mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Russian to get to the punchline Why was Putin late for the party he was PUTIN on some makeup!Why was Stalin late for the party he was STALIN for time!Why was Lenin late for the party he was waiting for his LENIN to dry!Why was Trotsky late for the party he got into a car crash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Jesus say to the crowd of bakers? Let he who is without sin cast the first scone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tomato paste is pretty viscous I guess it’s not very fast paste"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem? He was quoted as saying \"I won't stand for this\" on the way out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you brain wash a politician? Give him an enema."}
{"character": "random", "line": "French border Officer : Occupation? German Tourist: No No, just visiting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday Everyone will be looking for windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the horny toothbrush say to it's partner... I want some Oral, B"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superman lost all of his money on a digital currency scheme It was his cryptonite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man saw a dog named frost. It wagged its tail as people walked by. The man went to pet it but this dog lashed out and injured his hand.\"I didn't know frost bites.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cucumber said to the other cucumber? Nothing. Cucumbers don't speak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a farmer who had a machine which caculated the angle you sat. He called it his pro-tractor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother died recently. We had her cremated.   I think that’s what killed her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast. Just so she could have a “titty tat.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed. That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it called “The Mall” Because instead of going to one store, you’re going to “Them all”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are condors such efficient fliers? All their luggage is carrion."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A comedian was telling a joke about binary numbers. It was a good bit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, \"your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother.\" And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard ...found my mom's body.Smh worst day of my life, I loved that turtle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena wakes up at a hospital John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICUJohn Cena: No you can’t"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got were Icy Stares."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of fact does a Historian and a Painter enjoy? An ARTY-Fact"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future. The Man Delorean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them... They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kids these days have no idea how good it was growing up in the 90s! (born on December 31st, 1999)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight. Now I feel more down than I did before."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i was playing a game earlier and the other team was really good and i'm new so i left. and then i realised i didn't rage quit i parent quit i wasn't mad just disappointed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book? He said, \"I'm just not feeling it!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually, it came back to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple? They're both red. Except for the green one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind - it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ? Fizzyscists"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was with a group of friends when one of them suggested we play Twister. This person knows I'm not a fan of Twister. I hate being put in an awkward position."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I tried cat for the first time yesterday Just kitten"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Argon walks into a bar The bartender looks up and says, \"I'm sorry, we don't serve noble gases here.\"Argon doesn't react because reacting has been copyrighted by The Fine Bros since 2016."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks? The Hollercaust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile. But their condoms are \"Made in China\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Mia Khalifa's favorite tv channel? BBC News"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: \"I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character\" Psychologist: \"That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?\"Man: \"Ever since I was an outline...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the first form of digital storage? gloves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you make grass slippery? Do you make windows wet? Are you a morning person? If so, you may be dew condensation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of television is gay? An LG TV"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night We had a very heated argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "February is ending today, but that's okay. We'll March on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled ... cheese.” The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”“What do you mean?” The bear replies. “I am a bear!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\" The man stammered, \"Yes.\"Bang!  The robber shoots him.He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\"The husband quickly responds, \"No....but my wife did!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a super-power... I can stop a bullet! ... once..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn. In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.  As my wife walks out again she says: \"you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two goats chew on a VHS tape. The first goat says \"*This film is pretty good\"* and the other one replies: \"*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better.\"*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cemetery count How many dead people are in a cemetery?All of them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:\"Man, Chester, you Knighted!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard that steel got into a heated argument once Ever since then, it has been tempered metal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad said I was a mistake I hope thats a joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a family that smokes weed together? Joint family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!! No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted. It was a turtle disaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday Christian Bail"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus? An ambulance you racist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How are old people in Socialist republics similar? They have a tendency to collapse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky He gulps them down quickly.  Bartender asks \"What's the occasion?\"Guy replies \"First blowjob\"Bartender \"Wow, can I buy you another?\"Guy retorts \"No, if 3 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a band of owls? The Hoo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing Cyberpunk 2077 when my mom took a pan and violently bashed my laptop to pieces. She *really* freaks out seeing so many bugs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm writing a book about all the things I really ought to do in my life. It's my oughtobiography."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn’t paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said “I’m not happy.” I replied “Well, which one are you then?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong... It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Investigating Hillary Clinton is like fishing on Discovery Channel ... you catch them, you show them, and you let them go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do programmers wear to an event? Whatever is in the dress code."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jesus walks into a hotel Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't like over confident people Edit: Thanks for the silver!Edit2: thanks for the gold!Edit3: thanks for the platinum!Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!Edit6: thanks for the ternium!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had my wife dress as a nurse and get on top last night. That’s the closest to healthcare coverage I’ve had since I was 26.cries in American"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Robert Oppenheimer's wife go to the beach naked? There was no bikini atoll"}
{"character": "random", "line": "No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97. Those are only available on Amazon Prime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog's mother is from England and his father is from Iran He's a pom-iranian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Years ago I told my family and friends that I was going to become a successful comedian and they just laughed. They're not laughing now!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "15 When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are pediatricians always so angry? Because they have little patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted? Nothing, because he was already stuffed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said, \"You weren't even listening, were you?\" And I thought, \"that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 3-year-old son said, \"Put my shoes on.\" I told him, \"I think my feet are too big.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends call me Peter Pan Because my jokes never land."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Simon was in a car crash with his uncle..... Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was savedbut lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his loveof music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Venezuelans does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter, they have no electricity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend: Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment. Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, \"Oh, pun the door\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to, too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 26 letters chipping in to make a big gamble? An alpha bet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I'd make a joke about fencing but then I saw the rule about \"no ripostes\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after sex. Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two fish were put into a tank. They started talking. One said to the other, you drive, I'll shoot the guns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party. Now I'm homeless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A stray kitten showed up at my door. I was like \" you got to be kitten me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Honesty is the best policy But by process of elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Keep that in mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say dracula has turned over a new leaf He's been re-vamped"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just say NO to drugs ! Well, If I'm talking to my drugs... I probably said Yes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the common trait between men and snow? You don't know how many centimeters you'll get, neither how long will it last."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not into temperature play- I just think it can be hot sometimes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live? The writers' block."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone? Bisaxual"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why flamingos lift up one leg when sleeping? Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Relationships are like Indian food They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't they let Yoda name the dinosaurs? Because the do-or-do-not-ceratops sounds fucking stupid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the hardest part about riding a scooter? Telling your parents you're gay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pizza slice walks into a bar asking for a drink The bartender says: \"Sorry, we don't serve food here\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats similar between a hurricane and women? They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "my aunt ruth died in a horrible explosion they couldn't even find any body parts to put in the casketthe funeral was ruthless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We know why 6 is afraid of 7 but do you know *why* 7 ate 9? Because you need 3 square meals a day!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions? Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a violin player use as birth control? Their personality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What shade of orange is okay, but not great? Mediochre"}
{"character": "random", "line": "While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in. The clerk asked me, \"can I help you?\"  I said, \"yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?\"  He turned beet red and said, \"eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out.\"  I said, \"yes, that's the one, now where is it located?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with... They have trouble keeping all their characters straight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*At my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* \"Who's thinking outside the box now Karin?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball? They say he had perfect pitch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got caught trying to steal a hairpiece. There was a price toupee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign Language"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke but you guys didn't like it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck So they put the meal on the duck's bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe So therefore your honour she was legal"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Comparing the number of Instagram hashtags for #apple and #orange really is apples and oranges"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, \"That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A physicist on trial for murder stated that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle made it impossible to place him at the scene of the crime The judge gave him a life sentence and told him to use his expertise to determine what quantity of his person was within or outside of prison at any given time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a lady at the bank checking her balance so I pushed her over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What did the photon say to the hotel bellhop? A: No luggage, I'm traveling light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make Lady Gaga mad? Poke her face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do horses say when they fall? I can't giddy up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments. The choir kids had a hard time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A robber broke into a perfume store... He raided the register and stole everything in the store, he took every last scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced \"That's shit, that is.\"\"I know.\" Replied Rolf. \"But if you'd let me have paints...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman catches a shark. As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, “Wait wait wait… I’m a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go.” “Alright,” says the man, “I want my penis to reach the floor”. So the shark ate his legs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farmer walks onto a field, shovel in hand and starts digging long canals. The field groans and says to the farmer.. You're really irrigating me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I see the new Ford Bronco is coming out soon. I bet the glove compartment is absolutely killer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone ever masturbated to a turtle race? I got off to a slow start."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the period of time between slipping on a banana and landing on your ass? A bananosecond."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most beautiful Italian flower? The Spaghett-me-not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The price of lumber has gone up so much... That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the pearly gates Peter: It says here that you don't believe in life after deathAtheist: Didn't*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Rabbit, a Monkey and a Llama walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them, and goes:\" I think you're ALL in the wrong joke.\"The rabbit says :\"Man this is worse than when I was just a typo.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde make her password \"BatmanRobinBatgirlJokerHarelyIvyOslo\"? Because the rules said it needed to contain at least 6 characters and include at least 1 capital!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know you've mistaken a bull for a cow? The taste of the milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you have when you got a bag of weed and a bottle of Jack Daniel's? Jackpot!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just won a water fight against some kids in the park No one's a match for me and my kettle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the German Power Ranger's alarm clock say? ITS MORGEN TIME!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dark humor is like food... I indulged in an unhealthy amount of it today, and now i want to kill myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine Dragons is doing a concert in Washington DC They start singing Believer... \"First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head\"\"Challenge accepted\" Donald Trump replies"}
{"character": "random", "line": "'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment. 'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies. My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor. You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marie Kondo says to donate anything that doesn't spark joy, but The Salvation Army says that amounts to human trafficking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dentist opened an office on a boat. What was the boat's name? The *Tooth Ferry*."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a friend who always speaks his mind and thinks with his gut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The present day is not like the 1960's Nobody can drink from any water fountains."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the blubber salesman say when he found out the margins on petroleum were better? Whale oil be damned!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass? A wyrmhole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old friend, now living in China, called me. I asked him how life is over there and if he's doing well. He said \"Ah well , you know. I can't complain\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a very mild form of Coronavirus. Heinekenvirus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was that bad in geography That I couldn't even find the class."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old niece told me this one. What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?(•_•)( •_•)>⌐■-■(⌐■_■)An investigator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather have a heart of a lion, eye of an eagle, and.... A lifetime ban from the zoo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match? Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen I heard she was a massive DMX fan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man placed an advertisement, \"Wife wanted\". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark? Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say “when pigs fly” means impossible But how come we have swine flu?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor, doctor, I can't stop wearing transparent underpants. Well, I can clearly see your nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the molecule say to the atom after he got in trouble? I’ve got my ion you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say I'm overconfident Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Trump banned Tik Tok because it's made in China Why doesn’t he just ban the Corona Virus?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you bring rabbits when making beer? They'll provide you the hops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd"}
{"character": "random", "line": "yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument???? THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street - then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many abominable snow monsters does it take to screw a lightbulb? Just one, but you have to believe in it first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Phoebe: \"Do you guys know any chicks?\" Chandler: \"Fowl? No. Women? No.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\" The man stammered, \"Yes.\"Bang!  The robber shoots him.He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\"The husband quickly responds, \"No....but my wife did!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What steps would you take if a bull chased you? Big ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection... It will be my Vinyl resting place"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories... Makes scents..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire? Burn as well.(Translated from Czech)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the rain drops. I told her she's deluginal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see? The chicken sees a salad!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Living with your drug dealer isn't all that bad It has its percs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "why did the bread kick the tomato over? because he loafed him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say 99% of the population is stupid... I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got rare disease Doctor: You have got an extremely rare disease Me: How rare?Doc: You pick the name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "P1: what's the difference between a baby and a toothbrush? P2: i don't knowP1: well, I'm never letting you babysit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it easy to accidentally walk in on the White House Press Secretary while she is in the bathroom? The P is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the pancake become the king? He u-syruped the throne."}
{"character": "random", "line": "phone call Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I  said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think  so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A slug has died after his girlfriend left him for a larger snail... His homies said he was salty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you... If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Specialists What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One specialist looks up your family tree and the other looks up your family bush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes. I was also disappointed by BBC news."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why flamingos lift up one leg when sleeping? Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do communists stop breathing when they masturbate? Because in Soviet Russia, chicken chokes YOU."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shark Tank *on Shark Tank*Sharks: what's your idea?Me: ridiculously wide sunglassesShark 1: I'm outShark 2: I'm out as wellHammerhead shark: tell me more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman: Im very sorry Ma'am, but it looks like your husband got hit by a bus. Lady: Im aware of that sir, but John has a wonderful personality."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old friend of mine married a young girl As we’re not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had sex. “Almost every day,” he said.“Almost every day?!” I exclaimed.“Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist told me I'm right on the brink of having tooth decay He said the situation was precarious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled \"I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife.\"A voice from the back of the room called out \"you need more ammo!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Me and Lung Cancer? My dad didn't beat Lung Cancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you ever want to build a home for the poor A foundation is a solid place to start"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a train eat? It goes chew, chew"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a soup spoon's favorite sport? Bowling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ant name its middle segment \"Stormbreaker\"? Because that was its Thor axe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the egg say to the frying pan? I’m sorry I can’t get hard... I just got laid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the Turtle beat the Hare? It used a razor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit? A humblebee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call men who make \"Women belong in the kitchen\" jokes? Single."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What the difference between a green pea and a chick pea? I've never had a green pea on my chest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of meals do math teachers eat? Square ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the Royal Family and Probability math equations have in common? They are not important and nobody cares about them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father taught me 2 important rules for life 1. Never judge people based on stereotypes2. Never trust a Frenchman"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97. Those are only available on Amazon Prime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the German tourist in Britain say when they saw something illegal? Nien Nien Nien!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can never trust what your stomach is saying. It's constantly making shit up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, \"For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary.\" *\"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing.\"*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you turn a kitten into a cow? You marry her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend and I got into a conversation about Furries. In the end we ended up deep in a rabbit hole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When are cooks at their meanest? When they mercilessly beat the eggs and whip the cream!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did settlers eat when they headed west? Oregon Trail Mix. I hope this joke doesn't die of dysentery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. \"Hello.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a light bulb and pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess It's the first time my house ever got a treesome"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in. I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two police officers walk into a crime scene. They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.One officer turns to the other and says: \"Looks like a joint suicide.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I search Canadian cats in Google... It just gives me a bunch of lynx."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: \"Help, a crocodile took my leg off!\" The EMT asks: \"Oh my god, which one?\"\"I don't know\", the zookeeper says, \" those bastards all look the same!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've quit my job at the helium factory. Nobody talks to me like that!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the nut work at the bank? To cashew your cheque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk with a COVID denier with an Ouija board"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ? Wife eye connection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy I wanted to date demanded I disclose my bust size first He said he only deals with known quantitties."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Wants to Get to the Truth of the Khashoggi Murder He's hired OJ to track down the real killers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish? Clickbait."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You should wear your mask when you go to a cemetery during this pandemic. Cemeteries have a lot of coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy. I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one... That's the domino effect..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called to be stuck in a card game Solitairey confinement"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there? A pigment of your imagination"}
{"character": "random", "line": "According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012. 2021\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be. No need to keep reminding her every hour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does texas have no power? Democrats stole the electrons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?” “ I don’t know, but Alaska.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was a groundbreaking invention But everyone was blown away by the leafblower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day Call that luck of the IRS."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy with a pink shirt, pink shoes,and a pink 40 caliber? Sir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Being Kissed While You're Asleep is Purest Forms Of Love, Not When You Live Alone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I work at a hospital doing circumcisisions It pays horribly, but at least I get to keep the tips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At an Indian restaurant, can you order bread as an appetizer? Or is that a naan-starter?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A barber in my area got arrested for drug dealing.. I’ve been his customer for 10 years, but I had no idea he was a barber"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The International Flat Earth Society Annual Conference was going to be held on Zoom this year. Unfortunately they all agreed on the same start time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a sea cow in Seattle? A sea-cattle.I'm so sorry for the cringe..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't kids in China believe in Santa Claus? They make the toys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into the forest to seek out the Oracle Guy: \" O great Oracle, I have come to ask of you but one thing! Is there a disappointment in my future?\"The Oracle: \"Yes.\"Guy: \"Aw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girls in Bangkok are like a box of choclates... You never know which one has nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pair of nuts on the wall? Walnuts!I’ll see myself out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too.. Because Sharon is Karen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother. She's an animal in bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who’s Santa’s favourite musician? Elfis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell of a cliff? Because she was wearing her mittens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would a snowman say if he could talk? \"I smell carrots.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have therapy for my obsession with junk food. I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently \"You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch.\"\"Hang on,\" I replied, \"Did you say wagon wheel?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you would have told me on Nov. 10 2016 that the Trump presidency would end with the economy failing and the country dying.. I would have totally believed you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Swimming with sharks is so expensive. It cost me an arm and a leg!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If we don't proofread and correct mistakes The errorists win."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white? Heigh Ho."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little known fact, Moses had a motorcycle It literally says so in the Bible:\"And lo, the roar of Moses' Triumph was heard throughout Israel\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have a friend that was great at golf. They had a stroke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I looked at the liposuction tube I realized it could be used to strangle someone... ...making it a weapon of mass reduction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer. Hans is literally the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police were tracking down a serial killer. The police were tracking down a serial killer who would dismember his victims and sell their body parts. He was caught after trying to sell three feet at a yard sale. The bail cost him an arm and a leg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ever hear about the million-dollar plan to convert the top floor of The Shard into a restaurant? Man, the steaks were high on that one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Obi-wan say to Luke when he saw him struggling with the chopsticks? Use the fork, Luke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call adequate Japanese cartoons? Ani-meh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem. When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a cartoon portraying a politican like a goat It was satyr."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just released a new book about Poltergeists... It's flying off the shelves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The English Language is Weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's Irish... ... and stays outside all summer?   Patty O'Furniture."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of lotion do bullfighters use? Olay!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street. Police are combing the area."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wore my \"Gandalf for President\" shirt to the comic convention. It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pirates get angry after going to the bathroom? Without their P they're irate"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the celery say to the carrot? You've got a point.Credit to my niece"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument... ...you become a comedian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Horny Crab Two men are talking:\"I'm a kind of horny crab\" the first man gasps.\"what do you mean\" asks the other one.\"I can't get out of Michelle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that going to school is important but becoming a instagram model is importanter!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you breed a pit bull with a shih tzu? Yiff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My nan's got dementia the poor sod, all she does is stand there looking through the window Maybe one day, i'll let her in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump was carrying a Colt 45 When asked why, he said it's just for shooting cans.... Africans Mexicans and Puerto Ricans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently my family is racist I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a friend whose favorite element is potassium. I personally think it's \"just 'K.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who was fishing from a railway bridge? He was trying to catch a train."}
{"character": "random", "line": "England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast. The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.  It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan are out at a Chinese restaurant and Luke is really battling trying to use the chopsticks to feed his face. ​ After a while Obi Wan turns to him and says \"use the forks luke\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So today I had an idea for an invention because I was bored. A belt made out of watches. After I finished connecting the watches to one another I realized something.It was a big waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Star Trek Discovery is going to have a female lead which will ruin the series. The male captains wandered around aimlessly getting into trouble.She will just ask for directions and head straight to the destination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father and his young son are walking deep in the woods at night with a lantern and a shovel The son says, \"Dad it's creepy out here, I'm scared\" The father replies, \"You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't think of a way to make a Drake and Josh joke sound simple But I found a way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth? It’s just named after that stuff on the ground. (Norm MacDonald)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher said \"What is used to measure power?\" In class once. I told her she was right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, \"I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled\"The clerk replies in disgust, \"It's just regular porn, you sick fuck\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf? He's inbread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Dad is Glaswegian, I brought my first girlfriend home one day and introduced her, \"This is Amanda\". \"It's a fucking what!?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza? a crust station"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you get an loan at a bank, you'll be paying it back for the next 30 years If you rob a bank, you'll be out in ten."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The chemistry teacher was asked what their favorite element was. They answered \"The element of surprise!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which appliance is the worst to have on a boat? The sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you make money while freshening your breath? Investmints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered, \"They're right behind you\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Need a good Dad Joke card? Check out our collection of printable Dad Joke Birthday and Father's Day cards!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 blonde women were walking in a forest... One of them stops and says “Look its a deer track!”The other one says “No, those are rabbit tracks.”The third one corrects them “Come on guys those are clearly tiger tracks.”It was at that moment they got hit by a train"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings Apparently it's an Apartment Complex"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What author could write the best book on extracting mercury from the earth? Hg Wells"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Fallout 76 and gold plated velcro have in common? They’re both $70 rip off’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If someone that speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone that speaks three languages is trilingual. What is someone that speaks one language? American"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Survival tip! When ever my son goes snowboarding, I make him stuff hotbdogs in his pockets...So the rescue dogs will find him first!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad needed some advice on how to wrap birthday presents properly He looked up \"Enimem-rap god\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and comes in brownies? Cub Scouts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A beggar once asked me, \"Any change?\" I said, \"Nope. You're still broke.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is it okay to beat up a dwarf? When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?\"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.\"He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home. Now he’s in a pickle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a little person genius and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A clam and a rooster meet up for a date. Cockle do?  Cock a doodle do!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An angry customers walks back in a donut shop. He says to the worker:\"Why isn't my donut glazed?!The worker respond:\"Look sir, i'm not going to sugar coat it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Aussie girls an their period? Bloody legends"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the violinist learn to play violin? He just started fiddling with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My great grandfather is a really spiritual person He’s dead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my friend if he knew the difference between a chamber pot and a pan He said 'no' Needless to say, I stopped eating at his place"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are you made of gold, 2 titanium sulfur and carbon? Because you’re autistic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery.. The husband sobs \" Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone\" .Robber : \" Wow you must really love your wife \". Husband \" Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute\" ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Welsh father is hitchhiking with his son when he comes across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence The father says to the son \"Watch this.\" and proceeds to undo his zipper and then makes love to the sheep. When he is finished, he steps away from the sheep and says to his son \"Your turn, son.\" The son sighs before sticking his head in the fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where's the best place for a horse to grow up? In a stable environment.Sorry I'm high and it just came to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where was the first pig discovered in? SINGAPORK!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother is afraid that robots will replace him. If he would look in his wife's bedside dresser he would realize he already has been"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you put blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate? One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just won a water fight against some kids in the park No one's a match for me and my kettle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the creator of spaghetti died? He pasta way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents always take separate planes so that in the unlikely event of a crash, at least one of them will still be alive to be there for us children. They're eighty five now --- the whole thing is like some sick joke they're playing on us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump. What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve. *A student raise his hand to answer.*Student: No it won't dissolve sir.Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unused Christmas present. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. She asked me: Why,?I replied. \"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Observational humor isn't funny See?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Kidz Bop cover Drake songs? Because Drake's girlfriends have to have a age appropriate way to listen to his songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two tigers are walking down the street. One says to the other:'It's quiet for a Saturday isn't it?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day So I nip out and fuck his wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP to my good friend Brian... ...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :("}
{"character": "random", "line": "What event does a weightlifter with a masturbation addiction and fast recharge rate do. The clean and jerk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two types of people on Indian roads Traffic Police and a beggar.One doesn't leave you until you give some money and other is the begger.I told this joke to my friend and he was offended because his father was a traffic police. Then we settled the dispute for 25 dollars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "mrw browsing front page [removed due to copyright]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider. They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks \"Are you sure?\"It replys \"I'm positive.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justin Timberlake is bad at geography He sings this song, \"Crimea River\", but I checked, and Crimea is a peninsula, not a river."}
{"character": "random", "line": "DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old. Prince Phillip scoffs at him. \"50?!\".DMX says \"Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently learned sign language So I can tell jokes people has never heard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross pussy-willows with dick-weed? Kumquats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go skinny dipping this summer But at least I went chubby dipping"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts....The technical term for it is post-nut clarity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the redneck say when he walked in on his daughter using a cucumber to masturbate? Hey! I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like cucumber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight, I’m making soup from a Himalayan opossum. I found Himalayan in the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: \"take me to your leader\". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship..... \"Where are you going?!  Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!\" calls a Senator.  \"You are right!\" responds the alien. \"See you on Thursday!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How far is Mars from Earth? A few CVS receipts away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Forgive me if it's a repost, I am not sure. Rick: What is the name of your car?Edward: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.\nRick: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol"}
{"character": "random", "line": "God wants to go on vacation So he asks his angels for suggestions. Venus? asks one, god says no too hot. Another says Mars; no too cold. What about earth? Earth! No way, god says. 2000 years ago I hooked up with some girl there and they’re still talking about it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "my brother just came out of the closet I still don’t understand how he untied himself?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes. I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today my wife showed me all about the 50 Shades of Gray. Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste. Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "abortion bill President Bush is sitting in the oval office when a secretary comes in and hands him a slip of paper. Bush asks what it is, and the secretary replies \"it's the abortion bill. What do you want to do with it?\" \"Just go ahead and pay it\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said \"this is my body, eat it to remember me.\" Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said \"this is my blood, drink it to remember me.\" Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. “Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again,” he says. The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. “You missed the best act,” says his friend. “While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and pissed into the orchestra pit.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane? The water.No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching Star Wars with my daughter and when she asked me why Luke climbed inside the Tauntaun, I replied that it was to keep warm. With a puzzled frown, she questioned how warm was it inside... Knowingly, I told her, \"Lukewarm.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix Jack Daniel’s with Smirnoff? Jacknoff?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds. Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!! Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris. After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. \"I want a bottle of your best wine,\" he ordered.\"What year?\" asked the waiter.\"Right now!\" bellowed the tourist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China is already welcoming Biden China is already welcoming Biden.They have even named a central landmark in Beijing for Biden.\"FOR BIDEN CITY!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Mr Krabs have to do with the periodic table? Agagagagagagag"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sharks say when he ate a clownfish? This tastes a little funny.My real intention here is to ask you guys for some help... I need a 30 second english jokes because it's a requirement for my subject. PLEASE HELP ME."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do owls get invited to parties? Because they’re a HOOT!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"My boyfriend was slept with by you!\" I heard one girl shout at another in the mall. \"Your reputation will be ruined by this! YOU'RE GONNA BE KILLED BY ME!!\"\"Why is she talking like that?\" I asked my friend. \"Oh, don't mind her,\" he said. \"She's just really passive aggressive.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex. Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the egg say to the frying pan Yolkgottabekiddingme!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?''Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012. 2021\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to a COVID denier Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes into a Pharmacist and asks for some silicon dioxide The Pharmacist says \"we don't sell that\".He replies \"But you have loads in the window\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just saw a color at the paint store called \"Thot\". It's not too bright but it spreads easily."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snowman die of? Frostate cancer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people. After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brain is like a government computer It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago. I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off. But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's hard being an American Comedian in Iraq! No matter how many times I keep coming back I'm always bombing!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar When the bartender asks him why it’s there, the pirate replies, “Aargh, I don’t know, but it’s been drivin’ me nuts!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, the sky is pink This water tastes funnyNice to meet you I live in flint"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an irrational fear of overengineered buildings arranged near each other It's a complex complex complex"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are obtuse angles so depressed? (BPI) Because they're never ***right.***\\- brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ive heard so much about the Eye of the Tiger, But why does nobody talk about the other four letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't find my Gone in 60 seconds' DVD. It was here a minute ago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscience - it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are farmers so good at drawing circles? Because the are Protractors"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups... well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If 2020 was a math word problem: **If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "if you were sandwiched between your parents, and you were an inch deep in your mom, and your dad was an inch deep in you, would you move forward or backward to get out? interviewer: we meant questions about the job"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly? Viola."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the NRA file for bankruptcy? Because classes are being taught virtually"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fell in love with a cucumber farmer. We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green? K-K-Kale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Santa Barbara... restaurant employees could face up to six months jail time for giving out straws. That means seconds before the ban went into effect, a waiter could have handed one out and said, \"This is the last straw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do printers eat on their toast? Paper jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my English teacher is a dinosaur Because he said he is a walking thesaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The popularity of origami has increased ten fold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world is an oyster Much nicer on crackers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked into a zoo. There was only one animal in the entire zoo, a dog. It was a Shih Tzu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey did you hear about those corduroy pillow cases? They're making *headlines* everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What internet service provider do prostitutes prefer? Cox, because they keep going in and out, sometimes they're fast, sometimes they're slow, and they bend you over when your bill arrives."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my school held a seminar on holding orgasms. nobody came."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Just put the jelly in the refrigerator” my mom yelled “There’s not enough room” I responded as I tried to jam it in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cow say to the butcher? Stop it, Or we'll have beef"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The digital internet consists of 1s and 0s. That explains alot about my Tinder matches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Megatron least favorite streaming service? Amazon PRIME"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it. \"What did you do?\" asked his brother.\"I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!\"\"Were the people nice to you?\" asked his mother.\"Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like updoots, I like silver Cake day cake day please deliver"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea? One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My first job was as a sign spinner for a peep-show. I was supposed to stand on the corner and attract attention by spinning a sign or acting crazy... ...whatever it took to keep the customers cummin'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer? Depends what you smoke.(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars? Na-BOO!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it. You can say I'm agnocchic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Mr. Spock give hand jobs? Because his Vulcan grip will make you limp."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face? One is bugging a slug.The other is slugging a bug"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't women be writers? They're afraid of periods."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirates favorite CD? A CD-R"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly. It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually... It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People say smoking will give you diseases But how can they say that when it cures salmon!!   (Lol im a smoking chef and when i heard this joke I coughed my lungs like i have the rona. Had to post it )"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower. I'm a transplant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.It was a sham rock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of food gets the most upvotes on reddit? The cake that appears next to your name once a year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman arrives at the crime scene \"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?\"\"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.\"\"How do you know that?\"\"He told me as he was running off.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Potatoes in space So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Germany it’s frowned upon to manhunt people named Kyle It’s in poor taste to seek Kyle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread. I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey. Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu-you get what you deserve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, \"No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A witch's vehicle goes brrrroom brrrroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn't too sure about that but I could do a wicked \"Bohemian Rhapsody.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Something light in light of Hurricane Florence Q: What do corals get stressed about?A: Current events"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New Band Name Idea: Suspicious Circumcision They do mostly deep cuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year's resolution is to upvote every joke that is OC Right after I repost it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt? Meatloaf croissant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I feel sorry for kids who used to eat chalks and crayons when they were little. They must have dyed inside a little."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A circle is circular, a triangle is triangular, a rectangle is rectangular, but a square is... You. You're a square."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you listen to rock backwards you hear satanic messages, what do you get when you listen to country music backwards? Your wife back, your life back, and your dog back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Could you imagine a market in the Middle East? Because that would be bazaar"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching Star Wars with my daughter and when she asked me why Luke climbed inside the Tauntaun, I replied that it was to keep warm. With a puzzled frown, she questioned how warm was it inside... Knowingly, I told her, \"Lukewarm.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the Transformer who turns into a prostate vibrator? I finally understand what they mean by ***\"robots in these guys\"***"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat An aerial view of a toilet lid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed. That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, \"What're you supposed to be!?\" I replied, \"Fuck knows.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend was recently hit by a huge hailstone on his way home, at least he was smart enough to put some ice on his wounds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customer: One box of condoms, please. Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus taxCustomer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do American school kids learn the metric system? 9 millimeters at a time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The fireman looked at my burning car and said, “Any idea how it started?” I said, “I just had to use my keys.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tramp, seeking shelter on a freezing night, knocks on George and the Dragon Inn. A hefty lady answers the door and her expletives send him scampering. Desperate, he tries again minutes later. \"May... may I speak to George, please?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby. Or at least that's what my mailman said"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you tell your grandmother when she doesn't want to go to a nursing home? \"It won't be for long.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a new drink. Ginger beer and Jack Daniel's. I call it the Stormy Daniel's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it? Ambu-Lance Armstrong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's been some time since I saw any good event What do you mean, Don't you wear a pair of eye-glasses  So?  Don't you see a SPECTACLE every day?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s black and slides down Nelson’s column? Winnie Mandela."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new year's resolution is to upvote every joke that is OC Right after I repost it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The vet said she will put the dog down. \"But why?!\" exclaimed the owner.\"Because he's heavy.\" explained the dogtor.-taken from a cat calendar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dropped my epileptic meds in the washer earlier. Now my clothes don’t fit anymore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 tips for a happily married life.... Keep quiet when your wife is talking. Don't talk when your wife is quiet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ghost walks into a bar at 4 am. The bartender says: “sorry, we don’t serve spirits after 3.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't birds live in caves? It would be to much of a bird den."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt? Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!- Anthony Jeselneck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, \"I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled\"The clerk replies in disgust, \"It's just regular porn, you sick fuck\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are two types of people. Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A scientist called the customer support of his microscope company, complaining that the light bulb was broke. Customer support responded that they will look into it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the document arrested? Because he was a PDF-file"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The judge says to the bailiff, \"Bailiff, what is this man charged with?\" Judge: *Bailiff, what is this man charged with?*Bailiff: *Your honor, this is man is charged with BIGOTRY! He had THREE wives!*Judge (shouting): *BAILIFF! Havin' three wives is not BIGOTRY! &nbsp; It's* ***TRIGONOMETRY!***"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one ocean say to the other Nothing they just waved.Did you sea what I did there?Are you shore that you get it?Maybe I didn't shell you the joke.I think you need to clam down.Woah, stop being such a beach.Whale then, that's all the puns I have today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people die from animals, but I was apparently brought to life from one. According to my Mom, my Dad slept with a cougar once which is how I was born.  It's weird how science works."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself  It was two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anybody hear about that guy that worked in the calender factory? He took 2 weeks off in March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't look at the eclipse through a colander. You'll strain your eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between \"I helped my uncle Jack off a horse\" and \"i helped my uncle jack off a horse\". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Japanese people get married. They have a baby boy.A few years later the wife and child both get the same illness. So the husband takes his wife and child to the hospital.He asks the doctor: “What’s wrong with Mii?”The doctor replies: “The same thing that is wrong with Yew.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Almost all coins look the same This must be what we call a coincidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't believe everything you read in public toilets Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are port holes on a ship round? So when you open one to look out, a wave won't hit you square in the face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you add whiskey to a drink and raise the price... The drink got Jacked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crab that doesn't share? A 'Shell Fish'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand? Humidity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kitten that lost their tongue? Mew-t"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cube walks into a bar... A cube walks into a bar and comes out as a sphere. A passerby saw and asked them what happened. The sphere replied “oh I just had a drink to take the edge off”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them.... We are a very tight knit community."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dyslexic kid push his brother out of the window? He wanted to see Tim fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread. He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the Chinese kids play baseball? Because they ate their bats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad? When it’s a snowman’s nose!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes. Personally, I think it's nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nowadays there's too many musical instruments It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a bunch of babies in a pool and some coins? The coins are the only thing heads up..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner We found himalayan in the road."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked into the book store and asked the guy, “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?” Bookseller: Of course. Which one?Me: William."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why hasn’t baseball returned from covid shutdown? They are unable to test all the bats"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a pirate's favourite element? Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get Donald Trump to visit a memorial in the rain? Tell him the forecasts predict golden showers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication. And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the kid in the wheelchair get bullied? He was easy to push around"}
{"character": "random", "line": "ANGER MANAGEMENT Husband: \"When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?\"  Wife: \"I clean the toilet \"  Husband: \"How does that help?\"  Wife: \"I use your toothbrush.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an American who doesn't tip? Cheap. What do you call a Brit who doesn't tip?Creasp."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How copper wire was invented. Dad: So, what did you need help with?Son: I need to know how copper wire was invented.Dad: It all started when 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.Son: ..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Mario break up with the Princess? He said, \"It's not you, it's a me, Mario!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails? Es Cargo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay! Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just joined a dating group for arsonists.... Got a match straight away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got startled by my timer going off. It was alarming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense.... It was hard to miss him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a violin player use as birth control? Their personality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona Arizona is land locked.........They made the law to protect your mom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone We'll call it the LGbtq+"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. \"Hello.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Poor Tiger Woods... One bad drive and he is stuck in the rough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs. But I didn’t bend down to get it, because I didn’t want plumber’s crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran It’s called Prints of Persia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Butchers were yelling at each other inside their store. They have beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For sale. Muhammed Ali DVD set. George Foreman Grill. Both boxed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid we would get some big tires, then get inside and roll down the hill. Those were the Goodyears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mary had a little lamb. The event made medical history."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Microsoft hires regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation. It's a very PC work environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A customer of mine asked how much I’m charging to say this. I said “Nothing. I believe in free speech.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a long, hard, mouthful that a Polish woman gets on her wedding night? A Polish surname"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My New Years Resolution this year was to be more selfless, but I gave up after four days. I realized that it isn’t for me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \\*Whispering into phone\\* The leopard's escaped again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bartender walks into a joke writers convention. No joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources... Babies are fucking useless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen. We are Anti-Pho"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The birthday dragon tried to blow the candles for the 254th time. Btw the party was on fire. We had a blast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? \"Supplies!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down his genes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said parking fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do skeletons have low self-esteem? They have no body to love."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress? Magnets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paul: I got these really nice hearing aids. It was an amazing deal! Bill: Oh yeah? What kind is it?Paul: It is half past 9."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self.P.S. I know, it was super cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend just became an American citizen, but he was forced to give up his Chinese citizenship. It’s been a real disorienting experience for him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get red color from green color? You put frog in mixer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NSFW My buddy asked me if I ever had a girl lose a tooth while giving me head? Of course, but she had most of her adult teeth so does it still count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went out with a girl once called 'Owl' Seriously, that was her name, Owl.She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve? He got 12 months!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright? Yeah, he will be 0K."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Santa deliver presents to Captain Nemo? Because he's on the Nautilus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unexpected She: Why is your shirt smudged with ink blots?He: I refilled a printer cartridge at work today.Octopus under their bed: *whispers* Tell her about us, you chicken."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two photographers are walking down a street. One of them trips and fall onto the ground.The second one immediately falls down next to him and says: “Excellent angle! What are we shooting?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound? To make the Eschar go!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet But they usually only have 4"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies suggest that approximately 90% of the world's population is right-handed. On the other hand, 10% of the world's population is left-handed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you come across a man eating crocodile? Wipe it off, apologize, and leave him to finish his exotic meal in peace."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, \"19! 19! 19! 19!\" Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting \"20! 20! 20!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the rumours about Iraq? I heard they are going to invade America in order to install democracy there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I got asked out by 6 girls I was in the girls' bathroom"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I write this I'm trying to assemble bicycle wheels using quite a complex process. Damn, I spoke too soon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn’t the castle cut the grass It was already moat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes. It was a dick tater ship."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call four bull fighters in quick sand? Cuatro sink-o."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies show that after being released from prison, women have a tendency to immediately begin menstruation. This is because a period comes at the end of a sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting. It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the ophthalmologist to treat my color blindless. But they treated me so poorly I saw grey all the way home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.” I simply replied “copyright”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A secretary is helping her boss sort through job applications to pick a winner The first thing the boss does is close his eyes, pick out 5 at random, and throw them in the trash. Puzzled, the secretary asks \"why did you do that?\"The boss responds, \"I dont want to hire an unlucky person\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health I should sit on a chair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do deaf people tell each other secrets ? They wear mittens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me. He was as good as his word.  The funeral is Thursday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a giraffe's favorite fruit? Necktarines"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like making self-deprecating jokes. You should know, they are not that great."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Found a human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised.... ... I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boyfriend claimed size doesn't matter. But then the wallpaper he put up all fell off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't digital images of Bob Marley scalable? Because they're all rasta graphics."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Good news; Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows no evidence of cancer ...her autopsy results revealed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which instrument players are the sexiest? Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shirts So like, you know how there's Extra Large and Extra Small sized clothing? Why can't I get something Extra Medium, like its the most generic sized shirt possible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, \"I suppose you want a White Rabbit.\" The Easter Bunny says, \"I don't care, just give me something hoppy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where is Jesus if he keeps going East? Easter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly? The words are right on the tip of my tongue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices. It was a Catcher in the Rye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages? Because it was the time of knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you play a Country music record in reverse? Your dog ressurects, your wife goes back home, you get your job back and Donald Trump finally leaves office."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you here about the 99c thrift store that changed to everything for one dollar? Everything else stayed the same, so there's no change there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Comcast doesn’t need to have a Pride Month ad campaign. They suck dick all 12 months of the year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It's all over town!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn't the \"roof\" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't worry if your parachute won't open. You'll have the rest of your life to fix it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When answering the security question place of birth? Apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to grease a Ferrari? Run over an Italian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It is hard to find a good book They are all under cover"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a solar powered keyboard? A photosynthesiser"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers. Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should just name hurricanes after politicians. That way we wouldn't have to worry about them actually coming through with anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Security Guard : \"I'm sorry ma'am but skinny dipping is prohibited in this beach \" Woman : \" You could have warned me before I removed the clothes\" Security guard :\" Well, there is no law about that\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never judge a book by its cover. Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Ross from Friends always in the fountain in the intro? Because he’s a Schwimmer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was my pet dragon's birthday today We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nsfw A surprise for dinner My wife asked what I'd like to have for dinner when I got home from work. I told her to surprise me. She said \"I'm sleeping with your sister.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ... ... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career? Quack cocaine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys. My personal favorite is the toaster"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farm was bombed and only one cow survived. All the udders died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball? Because they’re fucking dead"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get it off of a Swan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a sweater and a jumper? Sweaters are hoping someone will talk them down from the ledge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dated an Indian girl in college and got to know her extended family Now I have strong passwords for life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a vacuum cleaner store After browsing around for a while, he asked to see the manager. When the manager came, he asked, \"Is there something wrong?\" And then the man replied with, \"Oh something's wrong alright. Everything you sell sucks!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of... Coke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everybody is giving up on their New Years resolutions, but I have upped mine! Only 13 kg to go now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my calendar is broken... Haha, April Fools!It works just fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was. I said \"Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the national bird of Iraq? A drone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when a basketball player gets a lung infection? LeBronchitis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbors have just moved 1000 miles to San Diego to beat Covid-19. Apparently they're SoCal distancing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time? Djinnflation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was. Turns out the guy's a cereal offender."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Doc get such a good selling price on the Delorean? It was only driven from time to time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, \"I wonder if the have any colored printers.\"I replied, \"Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1919, a storage tank full of molasses in Boston exploded, causing a flood that killed 21 people. I guess you could call it the Boston Molassacre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We now have a goat in our bedroom. 'But what about the smell?''I think the animal will get used to it.'(Hope that works in English too.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal? Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie. On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.On Thursday, 3.On Friday, 5.On Saturday, 8.And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.That is the fibber-Nazi sequence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Lisa came home and told her mother she got $5 from the boys to climb a tree Her mother smiled and said: “They only wanted to peek at your panties under your dress.”“I know”, said Lisa, “But I fooled them. I took off my panties before I climbed!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most popular type of tree in California? Ash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a grave mistake asking a customer if he preferred smoking or non-smoking. Apparently, the correct term is \"cremation\" and \"burial\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trains never get angry... ..cuz they're always blowing off steam!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats white, can create people, and is everywhere after a long night? Snow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, \"son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!\" \"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper  Never mind—it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey lost his left hand in a motorcycle accident? Now he's allright, allright, allright."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How big is a paedophile's closet? It's pretty spacey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the old prospector who accidentally swallowed a gold nugget? I saw him digging through is feces, so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was just mining his own business."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in front of a grocery story, some guy came up to me. He said \"Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?\" I said \"Absolutely.\" So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who are the werewolf's cousins? What-wolf and when-wolf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Purchase these 60 bad dad jokes in the giftbox below when you shop online at The Present Finder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the cemetery so popular? People are just dying to get in there!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, reposting is lame, [this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison? Yeah, Gilbert got freed.(I apologize to Gilbert.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn’t know I had to actually put my electric toothbrush in my mouth!?! I thought it was Bluetooth."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The vagina... The best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger. It's self lubricating. It takes any size piston and change's its own oil every four weeks. It just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a hard time talking to kleptomaniacs. They’re always taking things literally."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The school phoned me today and said, \"Your son's has been telling lies.\" I said, \"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street? Au!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The shovel was such a great invention. It was truly groundbreaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the butter confused at the protesters marching down the street? He didn't know what it was like to be marginalized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got the attention span of a mosquito. It sucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the oval office oval shaped? Because the government cuts corners."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get it off of a Swan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf. The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife makes a great stew Really gonna miss her though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I've stopped counting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was digging in my garden this morning and found some gold coins. I was really excited and rushed inside to tell the prostitute about it but then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just had lunch at the Pelican Cafe... the food was good but the bill was enormous!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know what animal the year 2020 is in the Chinese calendar but I'm pretty sure it has rabies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon? The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer He said \"if you can reach those for me you can have them.\"But the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the homicidal vegetarian say? I would kale for some salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date. Mr. T: Here's your girl. Ninja Turtles: who is she?Mr T: Its April, fools.Also, I'm sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A very excited 5 year old shared this joke with me in class today \"Wha- what do you call a sleeping dinosaur? a dinoSNORE !!!\"  it made my day <3"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does each Jedi have a fat stomach and saggy ass? Only a Sith deals in abs n glutes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Cell Tower Cafe get bad reviews? Because the service was horrible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two drunk men walk on a railway The first guy says: This stairs are neverending!Other guy: Don't worry there's the elevator comming!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup. I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Wi-Fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.OK, I’ll have a Coke.Bartender: Three dollars. There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has more brains than Hitler? The wall behind him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny: A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave. Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave. The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call goat swimming really fast in a lake? A motor goat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans. Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the host of the Discovery Channel's show Dirty Jobs has 2 degrees? In Mike Rowe Economics and Mike Rowe Biology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was really hesitant about going to Hiroshima for vacation but it was a blast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have some wire frames and a curved lens. Is that anything to make a spectacle of?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy walk into a bar and says \"Bartender, give me 12 beer I'm celebrating my first blow job.\" The bartender says, \"Hell let me buy you one too!\"The guy, \"Nah, if twelve don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think 13 will.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do crabs move from one person to the next? They use pubic transport"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: \"Class, I am going to test you on tenses today.\" She point to John and says \"John, if I say 'I am beautiful', what tense is it?\" John stands up, gives the teacher a perplexed look and after thinking nice and hard says \"Well, it obviously is past tense.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mockery of a Jewish goat mans dinner? A Satire Satyr Seder"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Plant scientists have used genetic engineering to create a new variety of orange. The novel navel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory. The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Christopher Reeves went to the cobbler to pick up a pair of boots he was having custom made... ...he asked the cobbler if the pair he was working on was his to which the cobbler replied, \"No, wrong Christopher. These boots were made for Walken.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to go visit my wife but when she saw me she got scared and locked the door. I'm not surprised. I am pretty angry that she didn't come to my funeral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the host of the Discovery Channel's show Dirty Jobs has 2 degrees? In Mike Rowe Economics and Mike Rowe Biology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy walk into a bar and says \"Bartender, give me 12 beer I'm celebrating my first blow job.\" The bartender says, \"Hell let me buy you one too!\"The guy, \"Nah, if twelve don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think 13 will.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said she’s not a fan of Pan-Asian cooking I thought it was called a Wok"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Mexican Owl? Hoolio"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner? It was a master bait & switch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All the characters in Harry Potter are so well-developed. Well, except Nearly-headless Nick... He was poorly executed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the average temperature in China? 451° F"}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 Shades of Little Johnny Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of BDSM magazines.A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.Johnny's Dad responds \"whatever else you do, don't spank him\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a £1 coin? When he went to pick it up, it hit him on the back of his head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with \"disappearing ink\" a hoax."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a School bus and a pineapple? The little pricks are on the outside of the pineapple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal? Grilled Chee-heese"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think I was hacked by russia Edit: I no hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.Edit 2: Thank for big silver neck coin, comrade. I appreciate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to McDonald’s and asked if they had any deals. The lady said, “We have the Travis Scott special, it comes with fries and a drink.” I asked, “does it include a burger or is it just the rapper?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The birthday dragon tried to blow the candles for the 254th time. Btw the party was on fire. We had a blast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a baby frog with a great grandfather that cam from Warsaw He said that made him a tad Pole"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting. It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there? A pigment of your imagination"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said... “Yes we are, son.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage. It gets pretty kinky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's masturbation called in the star wars universe? Hand Solo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when there are really bad sand storms on Naboo? Jar Jar blinks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that Virginia's Governor and First Lady actually met on a dating web site? It was called OKKKCupid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You might be a redneck.... ....if you've ever had to climb a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't soccer moms let their kids listen to Beethoven? Because of all the violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who is both a physician who can treat you and a physician who cannot?!?!?!?!?! A pair-a-docs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got excited that I found a bottle in the beach with a message inside... Which read: You got no new messages."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toy helicopters are really popular They’re flying off the shelves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together. I figured if you can't beat them, join them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between jam and jelly? Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the mathemitician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Friend: Dude,i am in pain. I just got my ear operation done and had to get a new one. Me: HAPPY NEW EAR.(I am giving you permission to kill me for this *joke*)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?\" \"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs.\"\"Why the two dogs?\" \"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "They said a mask and gloves are enough to go to the grocery store. They lied, everybody else had clothes on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just talk about how good the old one was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died? Because his life had no porpoise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents... I'd have 60% gross margins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the dinosaur that couldn't stop coughing? It was a bronchitisaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment. The conversation got rocky."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I found a Youtube channel about moss They told me to lichen subscribe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mario goes to court The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Person 1: Hey, you wanna guess the coldest temperature? Person 2: OKPerson 1: well?Person 2: OKPerson 1: ... are you going to guess?Person 2: OK!Person 1: Are you okay?Person 2: No I’m actually about 37 C"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging. I feel really bad eating good old Chuck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs? It's a long tail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked **0000 0001 0002 0003 0004**  …"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could not resist buying a skunk today at our local pet store. It just made so much scents to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the slow tomato say to the others? Don't worry I'll ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How are a hippo and Zippo similar? One is very heavy, the other's only a little lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why can't you ever run through a campsite? A: You can only ran - it's always past tents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They're a fungi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't they let the fungi into the party? There wasn't mush room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL Bill Gates once released a swarm of mosquitoes at a TED talk about malaria, saying that it shouldn’t be an experience only for poor people... I can't wait to go see his new talk about gun violence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife walked into the bedroom to find me pulling off my boxers. She told me I spoil the dogs too much."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night? He was an on-call-ogist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes? They were knot funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Ross from Friends always in the fountain in the intro? Because he’s a Schwimmer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was confused as to why my neighbor started selling empty perfume bottles... It made no scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kale. I prefer mine with a silent \"K\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Alabama's population size? Family size."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only problem with a grill that's low to the ground. The steaks couldn't be higher?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you beat Dr. Doofenshmirtz in a sword fight? You parry the platypus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We were so poor when I was growing up, that my mother made us clothes out of the offcuts my dad would bring from home from work at the sandpaper factory. It was rough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A fowl smell!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does an elephant camouflage? & What's the loudest thing in the forest? He paints his balls in red and climbs on a cherry tree & A giraffe eating a cherry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m finally coming out of the closet It’s been 25 minutes. My little brother sucks at hide and seekI swear if he’s playing Fortnite right now I will throw him out of the goddamned window."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rock climbing You’re either on belay,Or you Be Laying on the ground (Thought of this while rock climbing today)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life? Alien versus Redditor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when two Frenchmen share files? Pierre-to-Pierre transfer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a mummy swallow food? Through their sarcophagus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "COVID-19 can damage the heart, lung, and brain. Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That’s right, the steaks were pretty high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dick is like hair ties You either have so many that you don’t know what to do with them or you can’t find one anywhere when you need it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young boy asked his dad “why does Santa only visit once a year?” The dad replied “because he’s in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a motorcycle club comprised entirely of bisexual monarchs from Scandinavia? The Bikings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three nuns Three nuns were talking one day in their room. the first nun said \"did you see the rubber in Father Oharras dresser drawer?\" the second nun said \"yeah, i punched holes in it\". the third nun fainted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs? Wedding cake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an illegal immigrant living in Sweden? An artificial Swedener"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Warning to all men about eBay. Be careful what you buy on eBay.If you buy stuff on line, be sure tocheck out the seller carefully.I just spent £95 + postage,on a penis enlarger.Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.The only instructions said, \"Do not use in sunlight.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Peppa Pig's favourite food? Her favourite food is Peppa-roni"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I are a perfect match. For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, \"By the way, which companies are after you?\" I responded, \"The gas, electric and cable company.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has so many stories."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97. Those are only available on Amazon Prime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy was in a bad motorcycle accident, and while he was hospitalized, he had to have one of his feet amputated... Once his girlfriend found out about the surgery, she immediately left him. Turns out she was Lack Toes intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This Easter, the catholic church is sourcing all of it's bread and wine from a factory in China. It's called mass production."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other: “Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two farmers are arguing over their produce. Farmer 1-\"That's my grain!\"Farmer 2-\"No that's my grain!\"A third farmer a bit aways walks inFarmer 3-\"I'm getting migraine just listening to you two idiots yell at each other\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Airport Security yelled at me today Said I was in plane sight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snowman say to the hipster? Man, I thought I was white"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man: Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking sons’ disease I have ever seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yeah man, I tell ya what, man, that dang ol’ internet, man, you just go in on there and point and click, talk about w-w-dot-w-com, mean you got the naked chicks on there, man, just go click, click, click, click, click, it’s real easy, man. OK, Boomhauer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day? She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer.  It's called \"Erin Go-Brah-kovich.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think stimulus checks should also extend to all waterfowl. Because ducks have bills too, you know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Buddy of mine was complaining about work, having a hard time dealing with his two aides. I said tell me about it, I just got my third hepatitis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't we buy Viagra or Cialis from China? Because we don't want them messing with our erections."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?” I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother was extremely anti-Union. She always used to tell me that things “won’t get better if I picket”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate Velcro. It's a rip off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When do computers overheat? When they need to vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A termite walks into a bar and asks, \"Is the bar tender here?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are helium, curium, and barium the medical elements? Because if you can't heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a TV vaccination? A screen-shot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I was organising snail races They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a watchmaker uses Dial and a piano player uses Ivory and a Orange grower uses Zest... ...Does a Bull Fighter use Olay?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure. Divorce."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was chatting to a graphic designer about invitations for the baby’s christening. “How about comic sans?” I said “Oh no” she scoffed,  “for this occasion we’re gonna need a baptismal font”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do hydrogen atoms find a new leader? They hold an *electron*."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customary tipping rules For food and beverage service individuals, it’s customary to tip 18% of the bill. For valet drivers, a fiver.For singers, a tenor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt She felt the same waySo I turned on the air conditioner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Do Sound Waves Say To Girls They Meet Online? Send nodes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're. Their, I finally said it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Talking to my X: Hey, what's up? Talking to my Y:?pus'tahw,yeH"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know you've mistaken a bull for a cow? The taste of the milk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach? it's not hard"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snowman eat for breakfast? Frosted snow flakes.My 4.5 y/o son came up with this joke, but his punch line was \"snow flakes\". I added the \"frosted\". Teamwork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist? He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Excuse me waiter, there’s a problem with my salad... I think it needs addressing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue.... It's called a dictionary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did fisherman say at his retirement ceremony? \"It's been reel\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "All of my sexual escapades are like a big budget Star Wars movie Solo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was red in awe of orange? Because orange blue green."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the creators of Good Burger call their vegan cooking show? Quinoa and Kale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man’s last meal So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him, “What do you want your last meal to be?”“Strawberries”he responds. “But it’s winter. We can’t get strawberries until spring”“Eh. I’ll wait”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I told my therapist about being unhappy, he said, \"When it comes to happiness, a good analogy is a 3D-printer.\" \"Oh,\" I said, \"You mean that I should make my own happiness?\"\"No,\" he said. \"I meant, most people don't have it, and many don't even know what it is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Barca fans eat anything this morning? Because they 8-2 much last night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said \"Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?\" She responded \"That's because it's an Evian\"Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a squirrel’s favorite channel? Nutflix. From my six year old who read it at the doctor office today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself: \"This really takes me back\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat? Butt weight, there's more!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr Peg, my Digital Photography teacher, just passed away. Rest in peace Jay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf Just Kuwait and sea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl, you’re like steam. Too hot, but I’ll try touching you anyway.^^^^^.^^^^^.^^^^^.(This is just a joke. Dont actually do this.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth? One ring to rule the mall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said: “That was a great match!”  “Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.  “Yes! I wish you had seen it!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think it's just deplorable all the sexist people who want to undermine Katherine Bouman's role in the black hole photo. we all know with NASA's budget they could of never afforded a man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm trying to stream Titanic But it keeps syncing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read a book about Oedipus and Midas. It was mother fucking gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire... She screamed, \"What the hell is this?\" I replied \"Net flicks and chill.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A network engineer goes to see his doctor He explains that he cannot seem to make his wife pregnant.The doctor examines the network engineer, and says \"it looks like a connection issue\".........He asks \"is it my technique?\"The doctor responds \"no, you have a twisted pair\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home..\" \".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading... You could say he had certain Intel about the situation. This could turn into a total Meltdown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The hospital asked me if I would be OK giving them a stool sample... I told them I don’t give a shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it... AlGoreRythyms"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two burly, muscular men are in the gym, lifting weights... One says to the other, \"When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!\" The other says, \"Why's that?\" The first finishes, \"Cause the elastic is killing me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't care how great owls are I'm not throwing some stupid party over a superb owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Mia Khalifa's favorite tv channel? BBC News"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m hosting a charity event for men unable to ejaculate. If you can’t come let me know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my Google assistant to tell me what was the name of the number with 100 zeros I’ve already tried 5 times, and it keeps refreshing to the main page. Geez, thanks a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal It was a miner success"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone We'll call it the LGbtq+"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Bengal Tiger is capable of jumping higher than an average two story colonial house. This is because of their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average 2 story colonial home can't jump very high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning? Nutmeg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Waiter waiter there’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cow was recently given the badge of bravery. Her actions proved she was no cow-ard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass? A wyrmhole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate. That way you can keep your hands warm when you're pushing it home in the winter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian? Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs. Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon... One leans to the other and says \"Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?\"The other blond says \"Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend told me he started selling artisan home-distilled fermented grain mash on etsy... I replied, \"Sounds like a whiskey buisness.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads \"Small medium at large.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 5 naked French men? Deix Nuts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the 80's pop band \"A Flock of Seagulls\" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to die like my pilot father, peacefully sleeping Unlike the rest of the passengers on the plane, screaming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court,\" he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are a pig's favourite past time? Bakin'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man attacks a woman wearing a fur coat.. ..and shouts at her angrily - \"Do you have any idea how many minks had to die for you to wear that fur??\"\"It is not mink, it's polyester!\"\"Doesn't matter!! Do you know how many polyesters had to die!?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation. That came out of nowhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to live in Turkey, China, and Morocco, but I left ... there were too many red flags."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a surgeon/mailman Overall I do a lot of de-livering"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time... Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the national bird of Iraq? A drone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike. For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson."}
{"character": "random", "line": "HELP!! Squirrels are chasing me! They think I’m nuts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have some fine parking skills. I was complemented on my parking at the courthouse today. Someone left a note saying parking fine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please. There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last week we had an earthquake, a hurricane, and a LITERAL serpentine fire so, on this auspicious day, I'd just like to say: OK, Earth Wind & Fire...WE REMEMBER THE 21ST NIGHT OF SEPTEMBER!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can’t jump"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate... It was like a bargaining CHIP."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I asked my Dad why he took up window cleaning as a profession He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between the truth and a conspiracy theory? About 6-12 months."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went out with a girl once called 'Owl' Seriously, that was her name, Owl.She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a new friend at the mall recently. He said to me , \"I'm a man of few words.\" And I replied, \"Yeah, I'm married too.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is. I don’t get paid enough for this shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours  Nacho cheese."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a playwright with Parkinson's disease and a drinking problem? Shakesbeer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All good teams require good communication... So why in the hell do we keep losing to the school for deaf kids!?!?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy was in a bad motorcycle accident, and while he was hospitalized, he had to have one of his feet amputated... Once his girlfriend found out about the surgery, she immediately left him. Turns out she was Lack Toes intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say I'm overconfident Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently read that initially Daniel Radcliffe was the first choice to play Frodo Baggins, but he decided he didn't want to I bet the producers were glad that Elijah Wood!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 nuns were flashed by a pervert in the park today and one of them had a stroke... ...the other couldn't reach"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to break up with my girlfriend who suffered from insomnia She just wasn’t very into-resting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once made an error in little league, When I signed up to play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters buy cookies? Ghoul scouts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The secret service isn't allowed to yell \"Get down!\" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell \"Donald, duck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mrs. Goat : Honey, we're going to have a baby! Mr. Goat : You're kidding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can Egyptian crocodiles never admit when they are wrong? They're always in de Nile."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting... People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene. Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If someone unearths a source of untold power then it is a discovery If someone is not told about an unearthed power source, it is a shock"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend. I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't think I'm well-suited for this job as a newspaper editor. Even my blood is a Type O!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal. When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Kraft - 7 rings. Robert Kraft:- 2001 Super Bowl Ring- 2003 Super Bowl Ring- 2004 Super Bowl Ring- 2014 Super Bowl Ring- 2016 Super Bowl Ring- 2018 Super Bowl Ring- 2019 Prostitution Ring"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they beat the room for being black."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man was reading his wife's suicide note Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "a man has been stealing tires from the cops I guess you could say the cops are tirelessly looking for him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fork and a knife's conversation Knife: forks are basically  useless.Fork: why? What will people eat with?Knife:with their hands.Fork: you've got a point"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? Weeeeeee!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just lent this girl an umbrella That officially makes the amount of girls I've made wet in my life -1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic? Because baggers can’t be choosers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo? Reptile dysfunction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in She said cheque books."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.(heard on a Twitch stream today)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At what angle do most car accidents happen? The Rectangle!(Wrecked Angle)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Cleveland Indians have officially decided on a new team name. Say hello to your new Cleveland Redskins!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should we do with flat earthers? Just push them off the edge!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me! I answered: You won't..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper from a kilometer away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cat says meow, a dog says woof. What does a hippo say? \"Gimme your marbles!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Damn girl are you a pink Himalayan salt lamp? Cuz this clearly isn’t working and I still feel like shit when I’m around you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan? Take away their little brooms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the lady with all the screaming kids at Walmart who's wondering how the box of condoms got into her cart... You're welcome"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An electrician's son removed one wire from each of his father's power plugs. His father asks him furiously: Why did you do that? What's wrong with you?Son: Nothing, dad. It's just a phase.Father: You're grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In unison, the cannibals end their prayer for over population with a single word Rawmen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space. Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to Satan’s YouTube channel? It got demon-itized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife to get us some nice stools. But the ones she picked up were shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do white knights put on their bread? M'lasses"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my grandfather who was a dentist for 40 years How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?Because everywhere else it would be a teethbrush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school. He didn't make the cut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class “The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when you’re milking a cow, and the milk goes everywhere but in the bucket? Udder chaos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mosquitoes are like family... They might be a pain the ass, but they carry our blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the band MB? They haven't got a gig yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a fisherman who has no idea what he's doing,I dont need to worry about the corona virus I never catch anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist The librarian says, \"We don't have his book, but we have him.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman knocked at my door..... I answered and he said \"Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident.\"I said \"I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How i learned to mind my own business One day I was walking on the sidewalk next to a mental hospital and heard 13...13...13...So I decided to peek through a hole in the wall and immediately got poked In the eye and heard 14...14...14..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar ...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a duck addicted to drugs make? Crack!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you spell the words \"Absolutely Nothing\" backwards, you get \"Gnihton Yletulosba,\" which ironically means...Absolutely nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it's too cheesy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Reversing the car) \"Ahh, this takes me back.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the DNA say to the other DNA? \"Do these genes make me look fat?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind - it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a witch's favourite makeup? Ma-scare-a."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple is hiking when they see a set of tracks... \"Look\" says one, \"a father and his kids are on this trail.\"  The other asks \"how do you know it is the father?  It could be mom.\"\"Nope.  Definitely the dad...see the Pa prints?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customer to half deaf hooker: \"How much for another romp?\" Half deaf hooker: \"Come again?\" Customer: \"Yes.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've met my plastic surgeon brother in law FOUR times! And every time he forgets my name! He's so bad with faces!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet? Commodo dragon..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know, youtube improving the lives of creators and vaccines causing autism have at least on thing in common Neither actually happen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you would have told me on Nov. 10 2016 that the Trump presidency would end with the economy failing and the country dying.. I would have totally believed you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't horses use the internet? They can't find stable connections."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a fisherman gives a cephalopod in exchange for information on his rival fishermen? A Squid-Pro-Quo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why Did The Queen Wear Black Gloves To Princess Diana's Funeral? The white ones were covered in brake fluid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer? They keep summoning the Task Manager(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King? You take a royal flush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two tigers are walking down the street. One says to the other:'It's quiet for a Saturday isn't it?'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire? Burn as well.(Translated from Czech)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a horse. The horse says \"I don't think.\" and disappears. This is a reference to the Descartes quote \"I think, therefore I am.\"But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bird walks into a bar, takes a seat, and is promptly shot by the bartender. It was a stool pigeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Idk how to climb stairs Anyone have a step by step tutorial?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my first day at my new job I was fired for not tucking in my shirt. How I was supposed to tuck in a crop top is beyond me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you put on a bacon grease burn? Oinkment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scotland know the right way to deal with corona virus... They’ve gone into full loch down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Protect the gold teeth Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life Pro Tip: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the kitchen floor, quietly kick it under the refrigerator. Soon it’ll be water under the fridge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors \"No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!\" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in The lemon-limelight"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to throw out all of my danish currency I didn't wanna catch the Kronervirus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake Because it was stuffed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "While my wife was giving birth, I bent down and whispered \"You're nearly there, keep going...keep going. Just keep your eyes closed and breathe slow.\" \"Thanks,\" said the doctor, \"I've just never seen a vagina this ugly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was grilling yesterday but then the meat started smoking Stakes were high"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dad joke Is something that only groan men are allowed to tell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo mamma's so fat that... ...when she got covid the CDC classified it a super spreader event."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baby mosquito is coming home from his first flying lesson Son, you did good? Terrific! Everyone clapped"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Finding five dollars can make your whole day But making five dollars can make your hole weak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the squirrel bury the tuna? Because if you spell it backwards, it’s a nut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character? The Count"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, my girlfriend wanted to try some stuff she saw in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.Me: oh yeahhhh? What’d you wanna try babe?Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour. It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the billing-clerk who went insane? He began to hear strange and threatening invoices."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber? Raisin' Bran."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do rich people and drug addicts have in common? They both have friends in high places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Earth's favorite pastime? Making fun of other planets for having no life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who steals lotion? A smooth criminal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was trying to find the actor who played Rosanne’s husband on the show But a Goodman is hard to find"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "inspired by the girl who was surprised after drawing her eyebrows too high I tried to tell this foreign exchange student that she drew one of her eyebrows higher than the other, but I don't think her English was very good because she looked confused ​"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents  50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead? An ambulance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every single currency in this world is just an illusion, a social construct but Brazil's real."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body He'll be born in March"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"It baffles me, that bacteria can thrive, even when being turned into cheese. It seems like a such a hostile environment! Then again... \"Life finds a whey.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Droids claim they were molested by George Lucas during filming for Star Wars... #R2MeToo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clouds wear? Thunderwear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock! Who's there? Ben. Ben who? Ben waiting here all day to get some candy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The car looks great but the muffler seems exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After stopping me, the Policeman asked if I knew why he had pulled me over... Apparently,  \"because you were lonely?\" wasn't the right answer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just come back from holiday in Cuba with stomach problems. Doctors think it might be Castro-entiritus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene. Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you have when your mother in law is up to her neck in cement? Not enough cement"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Rolex had an app on PC what would be Its file name? Rol.exeSorry for the trash pun, thought about it while walking in front of rolex"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do fans supporting The Culinary Institute of America cheer at their sporting events? Die or Beat Us!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea for jealous people to date an archaeologist? Because they are always *dating* other people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shark Tank *on Shark Tank*Sharks: what's your idea?Me: ridiculously wide sunglassesShark 1: I'm outShark 2: I'm out as wellHammerhead shark: tell me more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?\"He smiled & replied, \"It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Walking in a forest I was walking through a forest and stumbled across a dead body, I started to check my map, because I was obviously going in circles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019. I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Cleveland Indians have officially decided on a new team name. Say hello to your new Cleveland Redskins!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Robert Mueller like to drink? Just ice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: \"What's that Daddy?\" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)... Daddy: \"That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound.\"Son: \"Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to fix my shovel today, but I just couldn’t handle it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait, but a fisherman waits, then lies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Swedish people love their country? Because they have Stockholm syndrome"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the definition of \"relative humidity\"? That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.(Too rude?)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the first mention of tennis in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharoah’s court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns? I wish they would have tortoise that in school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine finally started watching Doctor Who, after years of not even knowing what the show is about It’s about time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances. Epson didn't kill itself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to play drums when I was little, and I stopped after a couple years. But during my teenage years I forced myself to relearn the instrument just so I can show the world that I’m not afraid of repercussion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a triangle with angles 42.0°, 69° and 69°? A Nice-osceles triangle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pros and cons of being overly literal PROS:People who profit as a result of their occupation.CONS:People found guilty of a criminal offense."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage Kid: Why did you do that dad?Dad: So you won't get bored there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, \"What's upstairs!?\" I chuckled and replied, \"Awwwww sweetie....\" \"Stairs don't talk!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of being a cross dresser the other day... So i packed her things and left"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Avengers cast Interviewer: are you a humanAvengers endgame cast: I am not sure if I am aloud to tell you that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree? Doctor Who"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, \"I'm getting really wet.\" \"Turns you on, does it? I asked. \"Turns you on, does it? I asked. \"No,\" she replied, \"you dribble a lot.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, \"You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women.\" The drunk says \"Great! Let's get started.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Forest Gump's favorite password? 1forest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Why was the slab of marble upset?\" \"He was tired of everyone mistaking him for granite.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it then it is not that good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a new drink. Ginger beer and Jack Daniel's. I call it the Stormy Daniel's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The alarm went off when he left the archaeological museum. Leo, 89, now feels much older..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles She said 'hardback?' So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a entitled mother who's always out of her mind? Karenoid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My kitten won top prize in a cute competition. Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!It's a real cat-ass-trophy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably The good players just won't come forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A polar bear cub asks his mom Cub: Mom, am I a polar bear?Mom: Yes, of course you are. Cub: okNext dayCub: Mom, are you sure I am a polar bear?Mom: I am a polar bear, you dad is a polar bear, you are definitely a polar bear. Cub: okNext dayCub: Mom, are you sure I a... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do retail workers call rude and snotty customers “Karen”? Because they would lose their job if they called them a “Cunt”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge says \"After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week.\" \"Thats very fair your honor.\" The husband said \"And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at... She looks like a sheep dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love going to the beach, having a seat, and pull sand up to my crotch Makes the crabs feel more at home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If someone that speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone that speaks three languages is trilingual. What is someone that speaks one language? American"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was flipping through the channels.... and my wife asked was on the TV. I said \"dust\"And that's how the fight started."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Humpty Dumpty push Ms. Humpty Dumpty off the wall? To see her crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer always play \"Someone Like You?\" It was a Dell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does \"Rockin' Robin\" do when she's bored? Tweet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my son asked, \"Can I have a bookmark?\" I burst into tears-11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the chemist feel about oxygen and potassium hanging out? OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kid: I'm cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner - it's 90 degrees!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I named my dog \"5 miles.\" So that I could frequently say, \"I am going to walk 5 miles now.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my husband I hate my haircut. He replied, \"Don't worry, it'll grow on you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I'll call it... Receding airlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you solve a marsupial argument? Trial by wombat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather was complaining yesterday: “your generation is so fragile with your participation awards”... says the guy who lost the war and still wears medals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job She probably shouldn’t have been driving"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase \"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine\" It was former US President Abraham Lincoln."}
{"character": "random", "line": "SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Compliments of Hank Green"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98% But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Mommy, why did you name me rose?” “Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we names you rose.”“Is that why little brother is named leaf?”“Yes, it is”“Blaaaarghhhh-ddsdbbbb-beeebbbleeee”“Shut up brick”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man bought an olympic condom pack Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom packWife: huh, what is thatHusband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.Wife: Nah use the silver one.Husband: Why?Wife: You should come second for a change"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do when you suddenly walk into a tiger and a jaguar? You get in the jaguar and drive off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Robert Pattison so pale? There's no sunlight in the closet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Schrodinger: \"We won't know the cat is dead or alive until we open the box.\" The box :\"Meow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kraft foods is moving their entire operation to Israel. They’ll be renaming themselves “Cheeses of Nazareth”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is sodium's grandmother? Na^(2)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount. They called it \"The Oregon Trail\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can you not break Prince Rupert's Drops Monday thru Friday? Because you have to hit them on the weak end."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies? A swallow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a question word. That's grammatically true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "February 10th should be National Fart Day. Because it's 2/10."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle? The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "hard to find coins, hard to find killer... A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Good friends are like fine wine That's why I keep mine locked in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old romanian joke that my grandfather keeps telling . During the communist era in Romania the Security (secret police) was like the heart of the country.They were just beating, and beating and beating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am dating this half korean chick I am dating this half korean chick Her mom is korean And her dad is korean But her legs got ripped of in a car accident"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a red onion and a brown onion? About 50 cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying...\" \"...I never glisten!\"She screamed, **\"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!\"**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dentist told me I'm right on the brink of having tooth decay He said the situation was precarious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle. Mem-Oreo Day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It seems that today you either have to dress like a masculine motor king or a feminine flower queen; I wish there was a middle ground. A daisy duke if you will."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do native Americans hate the month April? Because April showers bring may flowers.. and mayflowers bring the white people"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my niece has a burgeoning slip 'n slide addiction Once you go down one, it's just a slippery slope."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between USA and Middle Earth? Two Towers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the supremely proper way the Englishman greeted the master fisherman from Jaws? It was ‘ello, Quint!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get blood from an Orange? Tell Trump he lost the election."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say I'm overconfident Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl? A who man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it… …then my illegal logging business is a success"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the rabbit use to propose to his girlfriend? A 24-carrot ring"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar The bartender asks him, “Hey, is that a steering wheel in your pants.” The pirate responds, “Ayyyy, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia? An \"Aussie-Moron\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business The steaks are high"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, COVID makes your sense of hearing and your logic weaker. I mean, have you seen this year's Eurovision!?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything..... I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do cats send message across the internet? They e-meow each other"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a vampire’s favorite ethnic food? Maxi Pad Thai."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Canadian cartoon? Anim-eh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving a jeep in a new video game It was a little buggy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I refuse to believe I'm dyslexic and gay I'm in Daniel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor... ... too bad I suck at telling jokes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "HELP, my house is burning down! **mrs doubtfire** [narrows eyes]: prove it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Both of my parents have brown eyes, so I wasn't too surprised when my girlfriend asked me where I got my blue eyes from. I'm not 100% certain, but I think they belong to the hitchhiker chained in the basement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lot of people don’t get enough fiber in their diet Tough shit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You ever heard of silent tennis? It’s essentially tennis but without the racket."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height… Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't people In wheelchairs make food by a recipe? The recipe needs to go step-by-step"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said... \"No. That's why we want to go to the moon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the crocodile clone his plants? Because he's not a proper gator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I started playing tennis recently. on the first day I had to tell my tennis partner \"I can't grasp these balls\" he asked why not. I said \"I'm used to holding a shuttle cock\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My town never changes population Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes 1.I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation I work as a McDonald’s cashier 2.“Mom there is a burglar in here” “No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”3.“So what do you do for a living?” “I travel and driv... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If an Anglophone speaks the language of the Angles what does that make someone who speaks the language of the Saxons?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A farm was bombed and only one cow survived. All the udders died."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are increasing amounts of obese people each year I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Hey, I’m looking for a book about turtles” “Ah yes, the hard back”“Yeah, With small heads”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said... \"No. That's why we want to go to the moon.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For sale. Muhammed Ali DVD set. George Foreman Grill. Both boxed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a duck that can't sing? Drake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned over and whispered, \"They're right behind you. . .\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone threw a grill at my face. The attack made headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m keeping my cast on as long as I can. The doctor said if I keep it on, I’ll get a trophy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus RIP uncle Jim."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago I’m not too worried about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the marijuana dispensary gets flooded... ...is that considered high water?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans. Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was Impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ? Pallbears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the oyster hide from the fish? Clamouflage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German and an Englishman are having a conversation in the park when suddenly a young girl falls into the lake. They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she’s unconscious.The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.“999.”The Englishman replies, “fine, I’ll call them myself.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with frosted tips and dandruff? Frosted flakesI'm sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I opened a store that sells waistcoats and spandex for cross-dressers. I call it “trans vest tights”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the perfume store and asked the guy there, \"Penny for your thoughts?\" He replied, \"I'm quite sorry, sir, but I only have scents.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a joke recorded in an old book from my great great great great grandfather in 1881 A married woman said to her husband. “You have never taken me to the cemetery.” “No dear,” replied he. “that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife. They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I grew up in a pretty tough neighborhood. Kids use to cover me in chocolate and frosting and put cherries on my head. Life was tough in the gateau."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between school and prison? In school your afraid of the work that’s hard. In prison your afraid of the inmates that are hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most exciting credit card? Capital One(lets see how many people get this)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got the attention span of a mosquito. It sucks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to get a new pair of scissors today. The old ones just weren’t cutting it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Blackjack, why do they call \"17\" the mother in law? Why?'Cause sometimes u wanna hit it but u can't-kevin hart-"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.Credit. The Joke Cafe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a failed brain surgery? The patient loses its mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in front of a grocery story, some guy came up to me. He said \"Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?\" I said \"Absolutely.\" So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat... One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry? Because calcium helps build trombones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mrs. Goat : Honey, we're going to have a baby! Mr. Goat : You're kidding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to bees when they get swatted by the Walking Dead? They turn into zom-bees."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man who can't stand? Neil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the police finally stop the paint thief? They caught him red handed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in \"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!\"\"All of them?\" he asks, putting down his rifle.\"No, only one.\"He starts cleaning the rifle again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jenny: wow, Mr. Daniels, you must be old enough to have known Moses! Mr. Daniels: No, Jenny, I am not! It wasn't funny when Ben Franklin said it, and it's not funny when you say it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon. It’s considered a sin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore. ... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend has the ability to hike the most complex of trails without getting lost. It’s pathological."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You Know What Really Makes My Blood Boil? Temperatures Of Over 100 Degrees Celsius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete? She wanted to see the task manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "While I was walking down the street I saw someone pushing a shopping trolley The shopping trolley was fully of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbits feet. I asked them what they were doing. They told me they were pushing their luck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Protect the gold teeth Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the policeman say to his stomach? You’re under a vest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold. a couple of minutes later...911 what is your emergency?Jeez Finally!  One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!Are the other cubs safe??Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked \"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?\" Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!  \"Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long\" replied the old man with joy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied? After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I literally only know two phone numbers 911 and J.G. Wentworth’s."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to make a Star Wars joke today... But I didn't want to fourth it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There were 3 blondes walking on a trail... The first blonde said \"Those look like deer tracks!\"The second blonde said \"No those are totally moose tracks... \"The third blonde said \"Nope, they are goat tracks!\"Then a train hit them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My biology professor's favorite joke What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you could exterminate any race what would you pick? Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.” I simply replied “copyright”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mary had a little lamb... The doctor was surprised.But when Old MacDonald had a farm, he nearly popped his eyes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my copilot, “What are all these buttons for?” He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words: “Rat tu, touille?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? It\"s called Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program the rest of them will write Perl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Splitting 5 ways 2020 is all about splitting-in-5, TSLA, AAPL … if you split 2020 in 5 as well it is 404, which make sense as the entire year has been an error message.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the donut say to the loaf of bread? If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the doctor’s Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.Me: How small are we talking?Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My summer job in high school involves getting up at 1 in the morning with a glass of water and a paintbrush. It isn’t very high paying, but I make dew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Oxygen and iron are on a date Oxygen and iron are on a date at a karaoke bar and everyone is telling them to go sing. So they say \"we're a little rusty but we'll give it a shot\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the book store in town to get a book about tortoises.”Hardback?” asked the clerk.”Yes,” I replied. “They also have little, tiny heads.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?” Me: “Guess”Waiter: “Medium rare?”Me: “Well done”Waiter: “Uhhh..”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else. The barman says \"now *that's* an order of magnitude!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people die from animals, but I was apparently brought to life from one. According to my Mom, my Dad slept with a cougar once which is how I was born.  It's weird how science works."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt... I had to tell him it was a naan-starter..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back. -Lord Voldemort"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you know when an Irishman has a stomach ache? He’ll be Dublin over"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth). Weird flex, but OK."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] During a biology class, the teacher says During a biology class, the teacher says, \" Your semen has some glucose in it.\"At which, a kid goes, \" So, it must taste sweet. But, it doesn't.\"Teacher: \"That's because the sweet taste buds are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend just became an American citizen, but he was forced to give up his Chinese citizenship. It’s been a real disorienting experience for him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a Fly Fishing tournament ? Live stream"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. She asked how warm?  I said lukewarm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde is sitting next to a brunette on a plane. She turns to the dark haired woman and asks, \"Where are you from?\" The brunette haughtily replies, \"I'm from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition.\"The blonde pauses for a second and then asks, \"Where are you from, bitch?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The most confusing dual citizenship? French and Spanish, because then you have to decide between being on strike and unemployed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which knight had a special way of standing during sex? Sir Cum-stance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to open a perfume store... I'd call it: \"Common Scents.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's internet password? 1forest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I was organising snail races They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs. They were made for the sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about VR for Cows? In Russia they are using Virtual reality to enhance cows moods and increase milk production. On theose cold dreary days the put the VR headset on them and show them summer pastures.You could say it is a mooood enhancer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom. IPA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises? I bet his pants fit like a glove..-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin's lamp... Wife: Oh my god, you're SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling? Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times. Wife: Awww, you're so sweet baby! And did it work?Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam? They both get stoned after sex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of winrar is arrested His trial is expected to last forever"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup? Stop playing FIFA and go to bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the viola say to her daughter before crossing the street? You better C^♯ or you'll B^♭"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day... ...which is when he fucks his secretary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call goat swimming really fast in a lake? A motor goat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. He died of dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "why did the computer go to the cafe?, and who is the king of the classroom? to get a byte, andthe ruler!!!my one sub teacher tells absolutely terrible jokes everytime we have her!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How’d the clam cross the river? Took a taxi crab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bro can you help me name these information pamphlets Brochure"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I surveyed many people who had played Russian roulette Seems like the probability of dying is actually 0%"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a snail never sell its home? Because once they sell it, it goes into escargot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1. It didn’t fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...? Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake? Because he was already stuffed...Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Its OK to make mistakes, everybody does! My parents are a great example, they made me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, \"when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer.\" The drummer retorted, \"and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why you should be wearing white on a funeral? \\#ffffff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a train conductor do when he’s angry? He blows off some steam"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Bernie Sanders stay so slim? Inter-mitten fasting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Orange and Lies Constantly? A rotting clementine, but I like where your head’s at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future. Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just joined a dating group for arsonists.... Got a match straight away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the sand say to the gravel when asked \"How are you?\" I am FINE bro."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 52 slices of bread? A deck of carbs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the new comic say to the mic? Thanks for the feedback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cousin got caught with his pants around his ankles in the supply closet at work He said he really felt like a jerk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This season of Earth is not realistic So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?I'm feeling Lost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I watched a movie called \"The Adjustment,\" about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes an famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't really like it. Too much backstory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man and a giraffe walk into a bar... They both get pissed drunk and pass out. The man wakes up, pays his tab, begins to leave and the bartender points and says:“Oi! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”The man turns and says:“It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a health conscious cannibal? A humanitarian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I turned over a brand new leaf today... the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a mosquito and a horny female? A Mosquito stops sucking after being slapped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is reading the onion more useful than reading the Wall Street Journal? Because the Wall Street Journal is about the past, while the Onion is about the future"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment... his secret service code name is officially \"Agent Orange\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where's the best place to watch the Raiders in the super bowl? The History Channel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What group of people never get angry? Nomads."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house... but the kids still get in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it's too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't get a reservation at the library. Because they were completely booked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, \"No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what would really lift my spirits these days? If I integrated a gym into my liquor store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This ones for the kids: What did the bee say to the flower? Hey bud!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick. Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room? You washer and dryer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a British rockstar’s favorite meal? Head bangers and mosh pit-tatoes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase. I said, \"Don't forget your Baghdad\".(Hopefully it isn't a repost)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships...? So they can see the old Iran navy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is really self-conscious about how thick her eyebrows are I told her she's crazy; most women would kill for *half* her eyebrows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a knight who only attacks after 8pm? A Knight of Nights"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bought A Pair Of Polarized Sunglasses Some people like 'em, some people hate 'em."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm with the CIA, AMA! But please comb your hair first,  you look like shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My elderly donkey got bludgeoned badly by a large horned mountain goat now I can't walk right. In other words my old ass got rammed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room They talk to the child laying there,“ are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime“The kid in a raspy voice replies, “ So a short one?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the doctor today and rasped, \"There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat.\" He chuckled, \"It's not that serious but...\" \"You'll need to have utensils taken out.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I said to my wife “You are my drug” She said:  “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”I replied:  “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey did you hear about those corduroy pillow cases? They're making *headlines* everywhere!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The United Kingdom is breaking up! Soon it will be the Untied Kingdom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "White Nationalist should honor the true legacy Robert E. Lee And surrender."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was really hesitant about going to Hiroshima for vacation but it was a blast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most annoying kind of potato? An agitator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pupil: My neighbour, Mr Chang, got run over and killed by a steam roller. Teacher: Johnny! That’s awful and has nothing to do with the homework I set you. Sit down immediately! Pupil: But Miss, you said we had to talk about crushed Asians."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What Did Heracles Fry Food In? Ancient Grease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visitors to the zoo were not sure they liked the changes to the bear exhibit It was Polarizing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n Little old lady. \n Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, \"What's upstairs!?\" I chuckled and replied, \"Awwwww sweetie....\" \"Stairs don't talk!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Good news! I've just inherited an estate from my great grandfather! Bad news, it's a 1975 Volvo..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the golf match between the black golfer and white golfer from South Africa? Birdie on the last hole would have won the match for the black golfer, but a par tied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking. My uncle smoked, and he only died once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?***Yes***How did she die?***Mushroom poisoning***But why does she have 26 stab wounds?***She was refusing to eat them**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The casting for Hamilton was awful, It makes no sense cast an American to play King George who is obviously British."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, \"I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled\"The clerk replies in disgust, \"It's just regular porn, you sick fuck\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I try to learn from my mistakes, but it's hard when they can't even wipe their own ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two explorers are walking down a path in a jungle. One signals the other to stop and come over with his hand. \"Don't make a noise.\" he whispers, and points to a place between two trees... ... they slowly come close to find a steaming pile of shit. \"What does this mean?\" he asks taking off his hat and fanning the smell away. \"Well Bill, if you find a piece of stinky shit sure enough there is an asshole nearby!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a polar bear's favorite food? (Multi-questioned) ICE-cream! -What is a black bear's favorite food? Blackberries! -What is a grizzly bear's favorite food? Campers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple has been married for 12 and a half years and the man wants to surprise his wife So he tells her that they're going to Iceland. His wife, all excited, replies: \"Wow Iceland! That's so far away. So what will your plan be when we are married for 25 years?!\"\"Then I'll come pick you up again.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height… Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds. I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers? Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four legs, a tail and runs? A cow in panty hose.What has four legs, a tale and smells?A cow with the runsWhat has four legs, a tail and walks?A cow batting 400What has four legs, a tail and flies?A dirty cowWhat has ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone knows the story of \"doubting Thomas\" and his reaction to the death and resurrection of Christ He was famously known for insisting on seeing the wounds for himself, and while most think it was because he didn't believe the stories he was hearing, I know it was because he wanted to confirm that Jesus was indeed a holey man."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the policeman say to his stomach? You’re under a vest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat. “Have you been drinking?” The officer asks. “Just water,” says the priest. “Then why do I smell wine?”The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest. Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.\"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?\"\"Get out of here. I'm pooping!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a Chinese chick for her number She said, \"Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!\" I said, \"Wow!\" Then her friend said, \"She means 666-3629.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking of visiting Saudi Arabia based on the upcoming week's forecast It's mostly Sunni"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a tree falls in the forest but there's not a woman around to hear it, is the event even relevant? Of course not! Nevertheless, a Chihuahua 500 miles away will start barking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a very dark sense of humor Its so dark that cops are beating it to death."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, \"You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking.\" \"Now settle down,\" the doctor calmly told him. \"You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you catch a whole school of fish? With bookworms."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A Mars bar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The car looks great but the muffler seems exhausted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An \"i miss you\" card to my neighbour John. Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety and they said: \"what's school safety?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Choose a new password Choose a new password :potato Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters. boiled potato Sorry, password must contain at least one number.1 boiled potato Sorry, password cannot contain spaces50fuckingboiledpotatoesSorry, password mu... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but... Bella chooses Edward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter & jelly Never mind I'm afraid you'll spread it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis. I only had two options, either give it away... or flea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My butcher is very rude I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?Me:No he wants to become one to"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We had a surprise costume party for my Australian co-workers promotion and we dressed him up as his nations favorite marsupial. He was well koalafied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, \"Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back.\" Me: Yes that's the one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes to a farm to purchase the most pregnant looking goat Long story short that kids is how I met your mother"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe with no grip? A slipper.(Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Horny Crab Two men are talking:\"I'm a kind of horny crab\" the first man gasps.\"what do you mean\" asks the other one.\"I can't get out of Michelle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the grocery store today to buy some oranges and couldn’t find any that i wanted none of them looked appealing pls be nice, i thought of this in the shower :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a donkey cleaning your windows An ass wipe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Standing in the park today I wondered, \"why does a frisbee get larger the closer it gets?\" And then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions? A prejudice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my wife have been seeing a marriage counselor lately and when we went in there he says \"So tell me what do you two have in common?\" I said \"Well for starters… Neither one of us suck dick!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?” The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers... ...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've met my plastic surgeon brother in law FOUR times! And every time he forgets my name! He's so bad with faces!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a network specialist comes up to me and says \"do you wanna here a joke?\" There was a Linux error"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My audio editor keeps shutting down unexpectedly while I'm working. The Audacity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife bought a talking parrot, but returned it to the pet store a week later. “This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.“I haven’t had a fucking chance to!” Replied the parrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested. Turns out counter fitting is illegal!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stranger: \"Bob? Is that short for Robert?\" Bobert: \"No.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, \"You need to be saved or you'll burn!\" Stupid firemen..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is 'The Vampire Diaries' even a good show? I heard the Characters suck a lot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm giving up masturbating for an entire month. Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A submarine sounds the emergency alarm “What is it? cries the captain.“It’s the navigation, sir” replies the commander. “I can’t get our bearings! There don’t seem to be any continents in this region!”And that’s why this sub went down. A lack of a regional continent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.It was a sham rock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \\*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was fired today from my job in the post office, I have no idea why. Oh shit, I meant to post this somewhere else"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope the far east finally collaborates with the u.s. on eradicating the virus. I mean, it's Christmas day, we could use the good China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pencil isn't John Wick's primary murder weapon. But it's definitely number 2."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins... I call it 'Baptismal Font.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Star Trek Discovery is going to have a female lead which will ruin the series. The male captains wandered around aimlessly getting into trouble.She will just ask for directions and head straight to the destination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman. I was almost kidnapped three times today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If giraffes could read books I bet they wouldn't be able to stop at just one. . . . what with them being two-story animals and all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man made a motorcycle completely out of wood It had a wooden engine, a wooden frame, wooden tires, wooden gas tank, everything was wood.But did he ride it?No, wooden start...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my friend if I should get a foot stool Hey said you otto-man"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel. It was a ground-breaking medical procedure."}
{"character": "random", "line": "From my son: \"knock knock\" \"who's there\"\"owls say\"\"owls say who\"*meniacal smile*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder... ... so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the cows return from the fields right about when evening tea is ready? It’s tea-pot calling the cattle back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine... They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator? I think I'm coming down with something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pam: \"We're hoping our interview seals the deal.\" Jim: \"If not, there's always the army...the infantry.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the cheese factory that got blown up? Da brie was everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a banana republic the traffic lights go from green to yellow to brown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arsenal are gutted at the collapse of the European Super League They were really looking forward to the possibility of finishing as high as 12th place"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Dish soap and Lube? The first one splits the greases, the second one greases the split."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide.... ....Well,  it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, \" It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends,  is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just bought a half-price cloak of invisibility. The seller wanted to charge me full price.I got it for refraction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People and bottles are very similar If they get alcohol inside them they will get drunk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stranger: \"Bob? Is that short for Robert?\" Bobert: \"No.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When people talk about the \"average citizen\" I always get confused. Is that normal?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I swallowed a bottle of food coloring. I'm ok, I just dyed a little inside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you talk to the ghost of a window washer? With a Squeegee Board"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior. I call it \"Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When someone says get a grip, Apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A patient went to the doctor for an operation. Patient : Will I be fine after that? This is my first operation that's why I am afraid.Doctor : Don't worry. This is my first operation too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is summer a plastic surgeon's favorite season? It's a great time to make some mammories"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got a dog who likes to play soccer and roll on the ground I decided to call him \"neybark\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does the tooth hate minorities? Because it is bracist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher: \"Class, I am going to test you on tenses today.\" She point to John and says \"John, if I say 'I am beautiful', what tense is it?\" John stands up, gives the teacher a perplexed look and after thinking nice and hard says \"Well, it obviously is past tense.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman is selling fishing supplies at a market An insecure rich man comes up to him and asks, “what’s your net worth?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My calendar has all the dates rubbed off. Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Trump loses the election at least he’ll get a movie deal The Lyin’ King"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If James Spader played a redditor in Blacklist, what would be the name of his character? Raymond Redditon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the moisture that forms between two lovers in Alabama? Relative Humidity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is suicide illegal in China? Destruction of government property"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins. It just doesn't make cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got in touch with my inner self today. I'm never buying cheap toilet paper again."}
{"character": "random", "line": "French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said: Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Waiter waiter there’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic. Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything. I told her “No, I’m just Windows shopping.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq.\" \"Oh my God!  How many is a Brazilian?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just passed my Canadian citizenship test. I got an Eh plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the rain drops. I told her she's deluginal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My visa to visit Afraica got approved. Now I Congo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food. It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good farmer is not just good at what he does He’s the best in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you drop a coin in water? It becomes a sunk cost."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Genie: You have two wishes left Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P insteadPenie: And your final wish?Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S insteadPenis:Ms: Nics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop? Because there'd be no charge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”“Yeah, I know.”He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”“The light was on.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are portholes/windows in boats round? So the water doesn’t hit the sailors square in the face!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the squirrel genocidal? It was a Nutzi"}
{"character": "random", "line": "No! It crashed again... Roses are red;Violets are blue\\-----------------------ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bug imprisoned in a bottle of perfume say? I’m in-a-scent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side, It's no longer a Q-tip.It's askew-tip.>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery? He ended up with a semi-colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What device is best to measure a mother's temperature? A ther-mom-meterFrom my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I received a wedding invite soaked in squash today. Turns out I had been cordially invited."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear that Virginia's Governor and First Lady actually met on a dating web site? It was called OKKKCupid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don't think he's feline well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does Dracula keep his money? A blood bank."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why was the woman afraid for the calendar? A: She said its days were numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit... Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage. I do not want unlucky people working in our company"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On my way to work this morning a bird decided to make its home on top of my head. I went to call someone for help but my phone had run out of power I'm now under a nest without charge"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because black eyes matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I fell in love with a female electrician She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Rectangle, red and bad for your teeth? A Brick!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win... It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my daughter, \"Go to bed. The cows are in the field.\" Puzzled, she asked, \"What's that got to do with anything?\"I told her, \"That means it's pasture bedtime!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you posion a woman with a razorblade? Give her arse.a.nic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body? You wake up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took my daughter to the park yesterday. Everything was going fine until we got to one particular ride. First she happy, then she was sad, then she was unbelievably angry... Those were some crazy mood swings."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL: Roofing in the Summer heat can be dangerous WARNING: HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most annoying kind of potato? An agitator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner. She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say, \"The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s long and hard, and hairy at one end? A toothbrush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A judge is hearing a murder trial. Imp and her spirite-elf that was killed and the suspect, a 16 year old who's represented by his father, Ep. After hearing the case, the judge decides.Ep's teen didn't kill Imp's elf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do u call a strong soup? s0uperior"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the cemetery today... I knew every body there would be 6 feet away from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Post Malone announces he will only be scheduling shows Monday thru Saturday Guess there's no Post on Sundays"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?' He replied: 'It's pure bread.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most beautiful Italian flower? The Spaghett-me-not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter \"F\"? The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion So long as the government agrees with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does ash ketchum know what you're wearing? He has a peekatyouuuuSource:Am dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have therapy for my obsession with junk food. I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently \"You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch.\"\"Hang on,\" I replied, \"Did you say wagon wheel?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the argument between two vegans? A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the favorite drink of judges? Guil tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beefWhere do you find a cow with no legs?Right where you left itWhat do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beefWhat do you call a cow with one leg? StakeWhat do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really feel like having some pancakes... maybe I don't...I just can't stop waffling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Mallard fail as a comic? His humor was too fowl."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the person who spent over £1 million in the perfume shop? They had more money than scents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your momma is like a KFC meal Once I am done with her breasts and thighs all I am left with is a greasy box to put my bone in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into a grocery store. He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper: \"What are those?\" \"Those are potatoes\"\"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?\"The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.\"What are those?\"\"Tho... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I went to the doctor and he said: \"Your next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised. The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave? Plot twist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My best friend is a chicken I don't really wanna be friends with him but he sure does know a lot of chicks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you keep a blind kid entertained? You give them a sheet of sand paper and tell them that it’s a find-a-word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Talking makes me feel like a workaholic judge. I'm just sentencing 24/7."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team. Props to him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom? Because the 'P'  is silent.I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library. Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.He said, \"I wonder if the have any colored printers.\"I replied, \"Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs. Now I want to break three."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony... He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For her birthday, my wife asked for \"something with diamonds\". I gave her a pack of playing cards.She's my ex-wife now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sorry for the spelling/grammer mistakes My first language is English."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all? Anyone sorting by new."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate it when engineering students call themselves \"Engineer\" you don't see med students calling themselves doctor, or art  students calling themselves unemployed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than a mutton for punishment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d make a joke about Article 13, but... *This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A simple joke for Starwars fans Where do Sith lords go shopping?The Darth Maul"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more... The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.—————————————————————*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes 1.I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation I work as a McDonald’s cashier 2.“Mom there is a burglar in here” “No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”3.“So what do you do for a living?” “I travel and driv... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "a bear walks into a bar and orders a burger then pauses for a while and says a large soda aswell the bartender says why the long paws"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you buy unlimited kid's toys? Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart. And then another...And then another...Add infant item"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted. The fifth one though was dead Sirius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a fisherman's favorite video game? COD"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class I replied, \"no wonder you're the biggest dick'this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a horny policeman? A jack officer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Frank is in the locker room at a gym when his buddy Howard walks in.He begins to undress when suddenly Frank notices he's wearing a girdle. \"How long you been wearing that thing?\"Frank asks.\"Ever since my wife found them in the glovebox.\"Howard smugley replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I go to someone's home and they tell me to make myself at home... The first thing I do is kick them out because I don't like visitors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady goes into a butcher shop A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.The butcher says \"I get off at 6.\"The lady says \"I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?” “I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.“Who?” the son asks.“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ... ... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do hens stay fit? They always egg-cercise!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations. But no one rubs your balls and says good job?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is how the first tire was invented. A guy had 365 used condoms.  So he melted them down, made a tire, and called it a goodyear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This chick was beautiful so I asked her if she was a cop Because she took my breath away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you cover 10 holes with one hole? Take a flute and shove it up your ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage. The judge threw it out because we had no case"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the biology teacher tell the frog? Looks aren't everything, it's what inside you that really matters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the University, I used to make videos of urine at different resolutions. I even got a pee HD."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Squirrels GO Camping They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says, \"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call a gong that honks every time you hit? Honk Gong"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sharks and people have in common? All the great ones are white."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was never a very good waiter. On my first day, two ladies came in and ordered: First lady: \"I'll have a garden salad please\"Second lady: \"Caesar salad for me please\"So I brought the first lady her garden salad, then seized it and gave it to the second lady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paul: I got these really nice hearing aids. It was an amazing deal! Bill: Oh yeah? What kind is it?Paul: It is half past 9."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An owl has taken control of my elderly mothers estate recently I guess that’s the power of a tawny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake? A latke!  (I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just finished my latest underground movie. It's about a young man who rides a motorcycle naked across America's roughest roads. I call it \"Uneasy Rider\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Colt 1911 and a Glock walks into a bar... The 1911 says to the Glock: \"Hey, ugly foreigner, want to do a drinking contest?\"The Glock says \"You old idiot, you can only last 8 rounds!\"From a friend of mine who's a gun enthusiast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I turned over a brand new leaf today... the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized He would have built the wall using his own money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars? Me: well of course I know him, he is me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dog walks into the unemployment office.. \"I need a job.\" He said, in perfect English.Surprised, the clerk says \"I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?\"\"If you like.\" Replied the dog. \"But why would the circus need an architect?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "One man is walking a tightrope. Another is getting a blow job from a 90 year old lady. Both have the same thought at the same time. What is it?Don’t look down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would never hit someone with a musical instrument... I don't like to resort to violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Found a Chinese history book in the library... It reads \"In 1989 ***Nothing Happened***\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day my mum made a stew out of cow intestines. It tasted offal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard there’s gonna be a new compilation CD celebrating Bill Withers’ career It’s going to be titled No Longer Withers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender says \"Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here.\"The helium doesn't react."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hackers took over our system and won't give us back access to our files until we tell them how good looking they are. It's a handsomeware attack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His drill slipped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Hes all right now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to dis-a-brie?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28. I guess that’s the price of inflation"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a black man in space? An astronaut you goddamn racist. What else would you call him?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. (Norm McDonald)Dumb, but I laughed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark Otherwise you might tell someone \"your daughter is having their first question mark.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Poor Prince Phillip... 99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: I got bitten in the park by a huge dog Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small childMe: I could have fought off a small child, Alice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate? Taiwanasaurus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license. He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses.\"I said: “Well, I have contacts.\"The policeman replied \"I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Paddling joke. I don’t like to brag but I can control a kayak brilliantly. Canoe?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn't think of a way to make a Drake and Josh joke sound simple But I found a way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times.. All that before they even left the house!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snowman without a carrot? Nobody nose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother in law said she wanted to die a natural death. So I've just dropped her off at the jungle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What currency do processes use to bribe the processor? They use cache"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was playing Oregon Trail I met a man named Terry.  I chose to laugh at him for having such a girlie name. He pulled out a gun and shot me.I died from dissin' Terry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Microsoft has released Windows 7, Windows 8, and Windows 10. What happened to Windows 9 ? Seven ate nine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was a turtle in my past life... It's slowly coming back to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff… Baa dum ssss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Edward G Robinsons father became a woman, and his mother became a man. He has been very open discussing this. He has trans parents, see"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Would you like the soup or salad? Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "LGBTQ+ lives are like objects that have mass and occupy space they matter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss just referred to me as \"A real pair of butts\" He said I am \"A major ass set to the company\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Paul Walker and George of The Jungle have in common? They both should've watched out for that tree."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I saw some pie and a gold medal. I was half correct. Turns out it was a piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's big, pink and hard first thing in the morning, and sometimes I get my wife to help me with it. Anybody else like the *Financial Times* crossword?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was? It looks like rain, dear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971) It's like there's no tomorrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guys, I just read something on the internet saying that Albert Einstein may not have existed! Turns out he's just a theoretical physicist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory! Da Brie is everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match... The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.It's because the cons outweigh the pros."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Garden shears will never be outdated. After all, it's cutting-hedge technology."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a horny policeman? A jack officer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Captain Price was a dog what would he say? \"Bravo 6 going bark\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when you can’t make it to the bathroom in time? A shartcut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault? he was a tenure sax"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If it ever becomes illegal to wear a veil to work .... beekeepers will be furious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Post Malone has started his own Student Loan Service in an attempt to lift the burden off of new graduates It's called \"Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who's Santas favorite singer? Elf-is Presley !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband: You should learn to embrace your mistakes. \\*Wife gives him a tight hug immediately\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get it off of a Swan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I said, \"No way!! In fact I love your mother in law much more, than I like mine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best parting gift? A comb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. \"Is everything okay, pal?\" the bartender asks. \"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, \"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?\"\"Yeah. But today is the last day...”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself \"I really need to shave my ass\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the rising sun say to the morning dew? You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a marriage between two violins? A homo-sectional marriage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it's pretty handy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 3-year-old son said, \"Put my shoes on.\" I told him, \"I think my feet are too big.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't they let the fungi into the party? There wasn't mush room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-boo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the Pope's favourite scent is Pope-pourri?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof I was shocked!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970? Insemination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the CRAZY paved trail?... It's a \"Cycle-Path\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees It's either \"hot as balls\" or \"cold as shit.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ex called to say the Dr wants her to quit smoking because of her heart and lungs. Me: What one did he say is blacker?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders. That seems like a sound strategy to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish. You might say a New England clam chowed her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young woman is speeding down a country road going 90MPH and she gets pulled over by a police officer. \"Young lady, I've been waiting for you all day\" he says.She replies, \"I know I came as fast as I could officer! \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sheep and a goat went on a blind date and found out they had nothing in common. When asked about their experience, the Sheep went: “Bah”and the Goat went “Meh”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Regardless of skin color, nationality, or religion, as a species, we are all meant to be friends and brothers After all, we are *homie sapiens*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War. These quadricopters are going to be named \"Strikekirts\", which reads the same forwards and backwards.Why?It's because they are Palindrones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher? He brings out the wurst in them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar The bartender says\"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:\"Name?\"\"Hans Kleiner\"\"Age?\"\"31\"\"Occupation?\"\"No no, just visiting\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man with the 'Rona disease A man with the 'Rona disease  Threw caution and care to the breeze  No mask with his kin  He did them all in  With a sniffle a cough and a sneeze."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television. I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Celiac disease was discovered first in France They know that bread is pain"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I a tendency to skip words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a fisherman’s favorite type of music? Hard bass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took the road less travelled by But so did everyone else because they saw it on Google Maps and now we're all stuck in traffic. -Robert Frost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asks his Uncle: \"Oh Uncle! How did you break your legs?!\" The Uncle replies: *You see those stairs going downwards?*Boy: *Yeah*Uncle: *I didn't*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it you realize it's half empty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violets are red, grass is red OH SHIT THE GARDENS ON FIRE"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What you you call a men's pair of underwear? A junk drawer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language do Asian Karen's speak? Demandarin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important. I won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t pirates do very well in school? They’re only used to high C’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive West."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Bill to ban shark fin harvesting\", and \"Bill to increase minimum wage\" and \"Bill to help ease the burden of Vets\"...with all these good things happening, it makes me wonder... ...why did he wait so long?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So everyone know that Seven ate Nine, but why did Seven eat Nine? Seven wanted to eat three square meals a day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't McDonald's serve gourmet food? Because that would be a McSteak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An owl told me a joke It was a hoot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "She was upset when the Sunday puzzle's clues were wrong She called the newspaper's editor, and had cross words with him"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Russians can you fit in a lift? As many as you can Put-In."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the Alabama Governor's house burned down? ...It took out the whole trailer park"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Math teacher: \"What do you call an angle of 90 degrees?\" Me: \"Fahrenheit or Celsius?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone's making a big deal about how the second person to receive the Covid 19 vaccine was named William Shakespeare But I think it's much ado about nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had an idea for a movie where a retired CIA agent searches for his daughter in Paris It turns out that idea was taken"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body. I gave her a shoulder to crayon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a fisherman who has no idea what he's doing,I dont need to worry about the corona virus I never catch anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say... “I play a little guitar!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you milk a Dragon? By making 3 movies and a couple TV series about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sumo wrestler once came to visit, and ended up sleeping on my couch for a month! It left a negative impression."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the soldier blow himself up when he found out about exploding devices He wanted to C4 himself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scotland know the right way to deal with corona virus... They’ve gone into full loch down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down? Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed. Do you know the what the real tragedy is? He didn't even finish colouring the second one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines? Because of the tally ban"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fill out job applications in crayon... ...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows I said yeah - that's 20 cows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my COVID-19 vaccine today I don’t understand what everyone is so worried about, I haven’t experienced any strange side effects.  This thing is completely safe.In unrelated news, I finally have good cell phone reception and my Internet speeds have never been better!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light? Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mythical milkshake? Legendairy(credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs? The Indian nap-less 500."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about posting a joke about salt but then I thought, Na, this is r/jokes, and these guys are sodium, they just won't get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, Roses are red, violets are red, trees are red, grass is red,              fu\\*k my garden's on fire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Compliments of Hank Green"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You kids have it easy with your convenient music streaming services and your smartphones. When we were teenagers, if we wanted to listen to an album by our favourite Australian alt rockers, we had to download it from Napster and put it on a CD ourselves. We were burning the Midnight Oil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution..... There's going to be hell toupee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Michael Avenatti is no longer representing Stormy Daniels In other words - he pulled out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We have ghosts in house \\- \"I went last night to the bathroom and light turns on by itself. I finish peeing and go out only for the light to turn off by itself too.\"\\- \"Idiot! You pissed in the fridge again.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm tired of people asking what my sign is. Stop okay?I like octagons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible. Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh No pun in ten did"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do priests and cabbage perfumes have in common? Lettuce spray"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife keeps telling me that soup is better with flavour cubes. I don’t put too much stock in that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election! It's called President Evil."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A scientist called the customer support of his microscope company, complaining that the light bulb was broke. Customer support responded that they will look into it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pickle's favorite game show? Let's Make A Dill"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Mansplain\" is a terrible word to use because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do would happen if pigs could fly? idk but the price of bacon would Skyrocket"}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Post Malone announces he will only be scheduling shows Monday thru Saturday Guess there's no Post on Sundays"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call the waves on a small beach? Microwaves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which course did Hillary Clinton select when playing Mario Kart? The short circuit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip  I was heels over head!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation? I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Johnny Depp gets so immersed in his characters that I can never tell if its him or not... I guess i have really bad Depp perception"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, \"just 5 more centimeters... 5 more centimeters and I could've been the king\" From the door, his wife giggled. \" Just 5 less    centimeters  and you could've been the queen instead\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country should the clumsy ambassador avoid handling? China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory? It was a total mascara."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet... Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed? Let me finish this one line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call exotic dancers in a politically unstable region in the Middle East? Gaza Strippers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl are you gorilla glue? Cause I can’t get you outta my head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I went to Iraq for holidays... And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home...  Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself.  So I called the suicide hotline...  They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the longest word in the English language? \"smiles\"...The first and last letters are a mile apart"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a therapist feed a cannibal? Piece of mind"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What are 2 Protoactinium atoms together called? PaPa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What town should a \"mountain oyster\" festival be held in? Oxnard, CA"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess It's the first time my house ever got a treesome"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are socialist school teachers so disorganized? Because they love to see the class struggle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best parting gift? A comb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer He said \"if you can reach those for me you can have them.\"But the steaks were too high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a singing Laptop A Dell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the journalist crumpled up on the office floor in tears? Because the editor removed his colon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn't differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a concert for just 45 cents, it featured 50 Cent and Nickelback."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is \"R\" only a pirate's second favorite letter? Because their first love is the C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do polar bears eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, \"And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow.\" She then glared off camera and continued... \"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cucumber walks into a bar A cucumber walks into a bar.The bartender says, \"you got any ID?\"The cucumber hands him his license.The bartender looks at the picture and goes, \"nice try but this is obviously a pickle.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman. It's second to nun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s Passover and a Jewish guy is eating his lunch in the park. A blind man sits down next to him, so the Jewish guy offers him some of his lunch—a piece of matzoh. The blind man takes it, fingers it a moment, and says, “Who writes this crap?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "First grade teacher: John, how did you manage to stop having spelling errors in your homework this week? John: My mom is out of town."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide.... ....Well,  it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, \" It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends,  is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Only Idea Flat-Earthers Fear Is Sphere, Itself.my favorite joke ive ever created... and the only one..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'. Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "HIGH TEMPERATURES After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.Turns out she felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle went to prison for stealing a board game He got life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business. He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's not hard to survive a bear attack... so long as you do the bear minimum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Boss: \"Remember, there's no \"I\" in team.\" Me: \"Yeah!! and there's no \"F\" in point.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a guy doing 60 in a 30 zone, so a policeman pulls him over Policeman says to driver: \"I have reason to believe you've been doing drugs, sir.\" Driver replies: \"Why, cos I'm black?!\" Policeman: \"No, sir, cos you haven't got a fucking car.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This furniture store keeps calling me… all I wanted was one nightstand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter? Prose before Hose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t the animals in the zoo like to play games with the leopard? They all think he’s a cheetah."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the Lemon sent to detention after school. It was always tarty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last week, I met a Genie who said he’d grant me one wish, I only had 3 choices:First was a better memory. Second was a larger penis. Third was… well I can’t remember what the third choice was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Man, I hate babies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't look at the eclipse through a colander. You'll strain your eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A russian bear, a chinese bear and an american bear walk into a bar... ...They kill the bartender.  I mean what else would a bear do?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked \"why is that book so thick?\" Then i told him \"its a long story\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens. In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising. After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were. I told him they were a yellow cartoon family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand. After contemplating in silence for a time, the Buddhist looks up to the vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables The bartender says “look, I’m gonna serve you, but you better not try to start anything “"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Mass Confusion Fathers Day in Detroit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is an Eastern European’s favorite food? Coleslav"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be a XXX movie editor but got fired. My boss walked by my desk one day and I wasn't watching porn on my computer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an amateur sports team made up entirely of poets? semi-prose"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom accidentally put in more butter than what was called for in the recipe. It was only a marginal error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's got 24 legs and flys? 12 pairs of jeans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel. Got kicked out of pottery class too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pillow fight The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man came up to me and said \"Man, your clothes look gay\". I said \"I know, they came out of the closet this morning\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Me: What’s a pirates favorite letter?Unwitting person just living their life: R?Me: R’s what you’d think but it’s the C they love!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Modern China's history isn't about what has happened It's about what hasn't happened"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of Lynx? A chain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They had no idea at the job that I was a total drunk Until I showed up sober one day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the liquor store today and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?” I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best instrument to keep as a pet? A trumpet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "09:51 Arrive at the crime scene. 09:51 Find murder victim.09:51 Cordon off the area.09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.09:51 Realise watch has stopped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a Irish nationalists favourite cartoon? Fenians & Ferb"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump complains so much about being oppressed and degraded that he should make his own show and call it... Orange is the New Black."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One of my friends told me that Oslo is also known as the Tiger City And I was like “woah Norway”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution..... There's going to be hell toupee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the French never order 2 eggs? Because one egg is an oeuf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do polar bears eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2 to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language is universal to strippers? Pole-ish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the snowman so happy? Because the snow blower was coming"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German man visits America for holiday. The TSA officer asks: \"Occupation?\"The man says: \"No, only holiday!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day... The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, \"There's a hare in my stew.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet It was a shampoo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A court declares social distancing unenforceable in Alabama Reasons the judge: The entire state’s population can reasonably be considered as a family unit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of television is gay? An LG TV"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language is universal to strippers? Pole-ish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you have no idea what a prefix is, don’t worry. It’s not the end of the word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument.... But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the ecoterrorist who tried to start another ice age to combat climate change? They charged him with crimes against humidity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a transformer that turns into a canoe... A rowbot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear? Bear Minimum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We could use some George Carlin right about now. But then he'd would be saying \"I TOLD YOU SO!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor shingled my roof for free He said it was on the house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of cars do ghosts drive? Boo-gattis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job, quality control at the strobe-light factory. I'm busy working like a cunt, and everyone else is just fucking standing still."}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell? Reptile Dysfunction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Elon Musk's favorite country? Mad-at-gas-car"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread? Cut the ends and you will have endless bread"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls! But really, they're all liti-gators"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong... It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Willis has admitted to making an \"error of judgement\" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said... \"I see dead people.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a vampire, a nun, a gorilla and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says \"what is this, some kind of joke??\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Abortion bill Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. PresidentTrump replies \"I thought Michael cohen paid for that\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What goes through a potato's brain? Tater thoughts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do they refer to network ports as female? Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me... I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian? Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At what temperature are babies born? About womb temperature."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat. He felt offal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a crocodile that goes for the wrong hole? Analigator!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guy: \"WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?\" Waiter: \"Thats the soup sir\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Break up My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.It Taurus apart.I'm in Pisces typing this"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio. Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dumped my girlfriend last week because she had really bad breath. With hindsight though I'm really missing those 10 blowjobs a day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blind editor? A grammar not-see."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month She said \"fuck you\". So i'm pretty excited for October"}
{"character": "random", "line": "medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test experts described the horse's urine sample as \"funky, cold\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An accused criminal is brought before a judge... The judge says, \"You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?\"\"Not guilty, your honour.\"\"Bail is set at five million dollars.\" The judge slams his gavel down.\"Do you accept payment in gold?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today? Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches. They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do potatoes get to space? Using the starch ship enterfries"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an all female team of film editors? The Splice Girls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do witches use to make their hair look perfect? Scare spray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The recipe said, \"Set the oven to 180 degrees.\" But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How long does it take to make butter? An echurnity! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sales are down, so my boss asked why the greeting cards aren't moving. I told him it's because they are stationary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was a lovely wedding, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Tesla’s new fragrance called? Elon Musk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation? Natural selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a French policeman’s favourite past time? Playing his oui u."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a tongue twister for all to try, I learnt this when I was a fifteen year old kid, I can still pull it off to a tee.. I'm not the Pheasant plucker, I'm the Pheasant pluckers mate.I'm only plucking Pheasants because the Pheasant pluckers late.Good Luck.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is the first year I’m not going on vacation to Paris because of covid. Usually I don’t go because I can’t afford it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One man proposed that Geico switch their mascot to a kitten. \"Now, with only 15 minutes, you can save 15 purr-cent on cat insurance\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Kermit the Frogs entertainment career came to an end, he enrolled in seminary school where he was ordained Now he's a Pastor of Muppets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell a snowman from a snow woman? Snow balls.Yes. This is an old one. It's probably appeared here a million times. But it will be new to someone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the horny fish join the Peace Corps? He wanted to build some schools."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate so much I told them, “Just you wait!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn’t surprised when they told me my electro therapy was free I was shocked"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lion would never play golf But a Tiger Wood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam. It makes my patients really nervous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Squirrels GO Camping They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says, \"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shellfish Action movie star? Jean Claude Van Clam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars , but I really think it's the Vodka"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you bring beer to perfect serving temperature by angrily yelling at it? I - SCOLD - BEER !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a fisherman gives a cephalopod in exchange for information on his rival fishermen? A Squid-Pro-Quo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store  free yet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly. It’s a little drum attic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A medieval knight walks into a bar, holding a large blunt weapon... ...\"Why the long mace?\", asks the barman."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea. I think they would have preferred cash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was tanning on the beach with my son. After a while, he looked at me and said, \"You're look like a lobster.\"\"Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?\" I asked.He said, \"No, you're just really ugly.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "People not wanting to wearing masks is natural. Natural selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out the news that I'm color blind I was surprised. It came completely out of the green."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[Life Pro Tip] Stay away from negative people Wait, that was 2 years ago..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am. Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm a big fan of air conditioning Especially if the air is trying to be rebellious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.So far there has been mixed reviews.People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Larry Flynt, creator of Hustler Magazine, has died aged 78. His family have asked fans do not send flowers... ...but to send nudes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many black people does it take to shingle a roof?? One....but you gotta slice him reeeeeaaaalllllll thinnnnnnnnnnnnn....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s hard to find deals for prosthetics in today’s economy. They charge me an arm and a leg for their product."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A prisoner digs a hole out of jail.... .... and ends up in a toddler playground and yells \"I'm free! I'm free!\" and a kids walks up and says \"So big deal, I'm four!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, can I take that pamphlet?? Brochure!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you Afghanistan? Because it would take me 20 years to pull out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pregnant lady visits her doctor for a check-up Doctor: Do you wish for the baby's father to be present during the delivery?Lady: NO, my husband already doubts him a lot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I watched a documentary on the feeding behaviors and biology of cattle... \"Graze Anatomy\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life vests no longer allowed on flights. Security specialists found out that they can blow up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl are you a Magic The Gathering card? Cause i’d tap you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature. Last heard, he's 0K now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "there's really only one reason India is just now experiencing Covid-19 they run on Internet explorer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident... This isn't the first time he got off..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt? Attire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For the next two days you can call me Edward... I'll be snowed in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Once a salesperson asked me, \" Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? \" I said: oaky"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's all this news about Iran? Sounds like they are stuck between Iraq and a hard place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Aaron Rodgers breaks silence on why he broke up with Danica Patrick \"I felt like I was being rushed.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pam: \"We're hoping our interview seals the deal.\" Jim: \"If not, there's always the army...the infantry.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor? Too Siri-ous."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What instrument do skeletons play in the band? A sax-a-bone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once woke up in the middle of an operation. “Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a samurai do when he fails a math class? He commits Sudoku."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, \"Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?\"\"How dare you\", retorted the woman, \"I'm not some cheap pickup!\"\"Well then\", said the tramp, \"get the fuck out of my bed\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever. It's all water under the bridge now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A network engineer goes to see his doctor He explains that he cannot seem to make his wife pregnant.The doctor examines the network engineer, and says \"it looks like a connection issue\".........He asks \"is it my technique?\"The doctor responds \"no, you have a twisted pair\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you a gorilla pit? Cause I'd love to drop a kid in you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If banks have a penny for every time they robbed someone ... Oh wait, they do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad, do you know why it's so dark out? No sun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in Me: Thanks for reminding me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bee's ghost? a BOO-beeHahaha.. like .. boobie. Plz don't hurt me. I know it's bad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.” “Yes, I see the problem,”  The engineer responds.  “We just can’t draw any current.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cake day joke! What do Trump and Atoms have in common? They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m hosting a charity event for men unable to ejaculate. If you can’t come let me know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said: Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump hears Obama got a smaller crowd than him \"Really? What was he doing?\" Trump asks gleefully\"Ordering breakfast at McDonalds drive thru.\" His aide said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "new kitten So I decided to teach my kitten to write.  You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily.  Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Back in the 1980s the soviets had their own version of the American toy Stretch Armstrong. They modeled it after their hero, Karl. The toy was called Stretch Marx."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck? It’s a long one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ? Only people in the Woods’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools. 'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees. Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who does a squirrel go to for confession? >!A chip-monk!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood. I guess they didn't want me to use crayon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shot a family in their home last night. Being a photographer is such an easy job!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shovels were a ground breaking invention... But dumbbells were an uplifting one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me. Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup. I leaned over and said, \"You're single arent you..\"She says, \"Yes, but how did you know?\"I said, \"Because you're ugly as fuck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do lonely Sharks go to find companionship? Sand Bars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "3\" , 6\", & 9\" are which Shakespeare plays? Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date. Mr. T: Here's your girl. Ninja Turtles: who is she?Mr T: Its April, fools.Also, I'm sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Common sense is like AIDS. Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock He'd be Tom Snooze"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to a self defense course... I still don't know many techniques I kendo to defend myself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am thinking about opening a dungeons and dragons themed vacation rental... I’m going to call it Air D&D"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's been a strange sort of day. First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tired googling about LGBTQ today just couldn't get a straight answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a Prostitute’s favorite part of leaving a tall building? Going down on the elevator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guess what I found in the creepy old professors closet Narnia business"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am a big fan of Fifty Cent. Or as we call him in Zimbabwe: **Ten Billions Dollars.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant? He wanted an off-ice job."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Stomach finds out all organs are organizing to plot against it. It turns to bladder and says: urine this?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(OC) Why don't giraffes have stripes? Because God took one look at them and said, \"You know, that thing's so tall, it'll be easy to spot.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt? A pain in the ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A german visits France... and he gets picked for a random check at the customs:- Name?- Albert Schmidt.- Nationalite?- German.- Occupation? (In a French accent)- No no, just visiting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer? HG Wells."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do smartphones ring? Because they can't talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really dislike the constant advertisement from the municipality that always sticks under my screen wiper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear. \"Which ear is it?\" he asked. \"2018,\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I'll call it... Receding airlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about the SCP foundation? [redacted]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A question for men with no penis... How come?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s long and hard, and hairy at one end? A toothbrush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products. It’s true, this is something you can’t make up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an upset chef make food with? Angrydients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the forest floor covered in leaf litter? Because nature abhors a vacuum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal. When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Forecast calls for a heavy downpour of faecal matter I heard it's going to be a total shit storm"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common? The whites are useless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snail paint a big S on the side of his vehicle? So when he drove by people would say \"look at that S car go!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hope someone comes across this distress signal Damn it, I used the wrong flare"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig that's angry about being cold? A ham brr grr!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Miss piggy has filed for divorce from Kermit the frog... ...cause Kermit converted to Judaism and can no longer eat pork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you play a Country music record in reverse? Your dog ressurects, your wife goes back home, you get your job back and Donald Trump finally leaves office."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once pushed a guy off his bike I've since been banned from that gym"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family is so generous... They installed hardwood in my dining room.  I was floored."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage .. After much argument they decided on the name.Ravi O'Lee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis? Fucks funny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight . Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bargaining A visitor to my market stall was insistent on bargaining. I said \"sir, this is America, we don't negotiate with tourists.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s amazing how many people get peasant and pheasant mixed up. I was very clear with what I wanted but the chef still grilled a bird for me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Building yachts I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plane say to the other plane when it was leaving? Biplane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got one of those digital assistant things for Christmas, but I think it's defective It refuses to open the pod bay doors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which Pie takes 9 months to Bake? A cream pie!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a fat chick into bed? Piece of cake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When asked about the greatest of all his amazing accomplishments, Sir Isaac Newton cited the discovery of gravity. He said it helped him keep his feet on the ground."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar That was in 2006, detectives are still unable to find Brian Shaffer and his disappearance is still a mystery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Specialists What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One specialist looks up your family tree and the other looks up your family bush."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a math mistake? algebruh moment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An Ego and a Super Ego walk into a bar The bartender says \"I can't serve you without ID.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday. Nice gal, her names’s Ella."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did God create war? So that Americans could learn geography."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why’d the blonde math major only apply to colleges in South Africa? She wanted to attend a party school where she couldn’t fail at integrating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise it circles Uranus looking for Klingons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That’s right, the steaks were pretty high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'. Which is not so bad until you read it out loud."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun. The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example: \"Fishing stick\" instead of \"Fishing rod\"\"Tropical tree\" instead of \"Palm tree\"\"Ant-licker\" instead of \"Uncle\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between Reddit and children's television? Children don't throw tantrums when there's a rerun of some content."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Windows software so predictable? You can see right through it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lion would never play golf But a Tiger Wood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, \"This is exactly what I was afraid of.\" Gripping my chest, I rasped, \"What?\" Eyes wide, he whispered, \"Skeletons!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An accountant made a tinder, what’s in his bio? Gentleman in the streets, and a freak in the excel spreadsheets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shelly sells seashells down by the seashore Shelly got chlamydia."}
{"character": "random", "line": "All lives begin... ...with a crowning achievement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you realise when a brain hungry zombie walks straight past you? You need a better education."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy became a savage after his girlfriend left. I guess I should have known he'd become Ruth-less."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic>Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar... The bar tender looks up \"What is this? A joke?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Friend Asked Me to Stop Singing “I’m a Believer”. I Thought She Was Joking... But then I saw her face"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are Americans bad at geography? Because the students who skipped class survived."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are Dad: I know, it's nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 dragons walk into a bar The first one says \"it's hot in here.\" The second one says \"shut your mouth\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Evangelists don’t need health care. They’re on the single prayer system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a guy doing 60 in a 30 zone, so a policeman pulls him over Policeman says to driver: \"I have reason to believe you've been doing drugs, sir.\" Driver replies: \"Why, cos I'm black?!\" Policeman: \"No, sir, cos you haven't got a fucking car.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I woke up and watched the Religion channel for a change... And there was a man shouting at me on the tv. \"YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS, BUT YOU HAVE ALREADY SINNED TODAY!\". \"But I just woke up, I'm still in bed\", I thought. I rolled over and asked my sister if I had sinned today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman? It takes too long to hollow out her head.(I got this one from my uncle)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grandpa say to his grandson right before he kicked the bucket? “Hey do you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when you kill Disney characters? A Mickey Mousacre"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are scented candles so expensive? Because they take a wick to make one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers? Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a phobia about cards. But I'm dealing with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over. Unfortunately, she has now been released."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink and Michael had a penis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do u get when u cross a human and crocodile ? **A bloody mess.**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teen daughter is acting really odd. She can’t even. It’s causing a family divide. We’ve got to figure it out before our problems multiply."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure. Divorce."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me. Its felt like a sine from God"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans. After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes. \"It's worthless\" her father says\"I know\" She replies \"But let's hear it anyway\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store? Edit:OMG thanks for the silverEdit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the goldEDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother died on her 100th birthday The worst bit is we were only half way through giving her the birthday bumps"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be. No need to keep reminding her every hour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A good percentage of my friends are Nazis That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to haveEdit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!and fuck da haterz"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know why the pancake king lost his kingdom? Cuz he was usyruped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A physicist is walking along a road when she looks up at a tall building... She sees a man on the roof getting ready to jump and shouts out to him, \"Don't do it, you have so much potential!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my copilot, “What are all these buttons for?” He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I went to do my driving test high on lsd I passed with flying colors!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse. “Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Londoners went to the sperm bank. A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get, when you cross a husky and a blondie? Either a really stupid fucking dog, or a frost resistant bitch"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us. My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans... They never get old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hooked up with a GILF We get to her place she said she didn't need a safe word. If anything went wrong just hit her LifeAlert  button"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the tadpole do when it was being bullied? It toad its mom. What did the other young frogs say? We should JUMP him and RIBBIT him to shreds. Tadpole? He's more like a tattle-pole.You know what they say, frogs have a hard time holding their tongues."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the family who hired a moving van to move their other, smaller moving van? Yeah. There's a lot to unpack there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke? A Yamahaha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the violinist learn to play violin? He just started fiddling with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the doctor’s Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.Me: How small are we talking?Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor. Me : You've got to br kidding.Scientist : This is no laughing matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out? He had a total meltdown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked \"why is that book so thick?\" Then i told him \"its a long story\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do plants use photosynthesis? So they can have a light snack"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Hurricane Katrina and Kim Kardashian have in common? They have both swallowed hundreds of black kids :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't become a surgeon for the money; I didn't do it for the fame either I just didn't become a surgeon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Actual conversation today. My wife: \"i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?\" Me: I don't know. Emerg?Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?Me: Sleep medicine?Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such.  I wonder what sort of education i'd need?Me: Probably night school."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the guy who invented the zero... Thanks for nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the leader of the hot dog race say to the others? You better ketchup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don't get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the death-row inmate say to the soft-spoken governor? I beg your pardon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just invented corduroy pillows My friends tell me I’m stupid but I think they will make headlines worldwide"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jesus was filling in a form. The question was \"Do you suffer from Tourettes?\" He wasn't sure whether to put a tic or a cross."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called when someone cums in space? Astronut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I tried cat for the first time yesterday Just kitten"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 dragons walk into a bar One goes, \"it's hot in here.\"The other responds,  \"shut your mouth.\"Originally by Jimmy Carr (I think, he may have stolen it)Probably a repost, but reddit search is useless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*Destruction: 100* Wife: I’m pregnantMe: Hey pregnant, I’m dadWife: No you’re not"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does caps lock and prison have in common? They both turn \"o\" into \"O\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.” I simply replied “copyright”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Left my comb at the dentist now it's a fine toothed comb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton. She broke the cycle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really don't like tight spaces. That's why I shag your mum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.The rabbit says “I have no idea, I’m only here because of autocorrect”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You probably already know the one about pterodactyls not making noise going to the bathroom, cause the p is silent.... That just means urine on the joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding I've read it. The evidence against them is damning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son was playing on the beach, making a sand castle with a plastic bucket and shovel. Hey son, I think your bucket is getting sick. It's starting to look a little pail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do white knights put on their bread? M'lasses"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a barbie toy is in a line for a grill? A barbie-que"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Kidz Bop cover Drake songs? Because Drake's girlfriends have to have a age appropriate way to listen to his songs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My left nostril is always very congested. You could say it doesn't get a lot of air time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Only Fans so cheap in Alabama? Family discount."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbist just  showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you blow up a dinosaur? With Dinomite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best way to burn 1,000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr Potato Head’s wife is upset. She claims he won’t tater anywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't always joke about stillborn Greek gods... ...but when I do, it's all about dead Pan delivery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I introduced my girlfriend to the family Me: hello everyone, meet JasmineJasmine: HiWife: what the fuck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do astronauts use apple computing systems in space? Because they can't open windows"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bathroom Humour What do you call a person who uses a lavatory on an army base?A Loo Tenant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman is watching the food channel... Her husband says: why are you watching this? You can't even cook!She replies: you watch porn all day long and I dont even say anything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Tupperware Bra Heard this a very long time ago. The latest thing in female under garments, does not lift, does not separate, does not support, but it keeps what you got nice and fresh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What flower is on your face? Your tulips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call 52 slices of bread? A deck of carbs!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a busty crustacean"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long  Because then it would be a foot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but I hear they deal with alot of pricks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. And probably only a fraction of people will find this funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part about having two dads? Twice the dad jokes.**Bonus**What's the worst part about having two moms?Getting stuck in an endless loop of \"Go ask your mother.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to tell any jokes about mass shootings But I figured I'd take a shot.&nbsp;"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the mushroom who parked illegally? He was Toad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best thing about a blow job? You get five minutes of peace and quiet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a self-employed, work-at-home guy during the pandemic I'd like you to meet the employee of the month, Dick!Please stand up and be recognized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME. As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Dracula call his interior design book? Fang-shui."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, That makes two of us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That's one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It's a freebie.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings? Brutus: Columns, sir.Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a therapist who moonlights as a prostitute? A cathartic thot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my pillow I will not rest until I find you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of murderer has moral fiber? A cereal killer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After the dinosaurs died out, mammals became the dominant life form. Unlike dinosaurs, which had scales and feathers, mammals are covered in fur.I guess you could say things got a little bit hairy after the asteroud hit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Chick-fil-a have a double chicken sandwich? 2 chicks together isn't really their thing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Invest on perfume businesses It just makes scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord. The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found. He was hiding on a navel base."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally.... So I was like na, more like pirate and booty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach. An X-ray showed it’s knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what... I'm a gril who can't raed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall... and asks his dad for forty dollars.\"Thirty dollars?\" he replies. \"What do you need twenty dollars for?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly? Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise] ...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked \"why is that book so thick?\" Then i told him \"its a long story\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best bakers use real butter so . . . . there is no margarine for error."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river… I did it but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A son says to his mum \"When i get older i want to be shot into space\" His mum says.. \"If your father had done what he was told, you would have been\"...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Donald Trump say to his wife Melania in the voting booth? Don't copy Michelle on this one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a microwave's beep sound file called? Micro.wav"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!  It's impossible to put down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always try to bank on personality. On an unrelated note, I'm in debt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse. Don't worry, it's in a stable condition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the police officer say to the white man running away with a TV? \"Sir, you dropped your receipt!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control? An edgelord"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still remember what my uncle said right before the toilet broke... \"SHIT!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza? a crust station"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass? A wyrmhole."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are surgeons banned from karaoke bars? Things tend to get messy on \"Open Mic\" night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between an epileptic guy preparing oysters and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period \"Take some more\", I told him. \"You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of disease did the airport have? A terminal illness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress? Magnets"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention... Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler. He lost my case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "John Cena wakes up at a hospital John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICUJohn Cena: No you can’t"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my country we have a special word for the first day of sunshine that follows two days of rain. We call it \"Monday\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do those with open wounds deserve love the most? Because they're going to need a suture soon!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Food enters from a pair of cheeks Comes out from a pair of cheeks too!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the beach next to the power plant closed? Because it is spark infested waters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only in England. £800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.But reduced to £400 if paid early.If you catch covid at the party, the government willgive you £500 to stay at home.That's £100 profit.This country is absolutely fucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What gaming projectile was thrown by John Barrowman’s “Doctor Who” character to pass the time while he was traveling along the Congo River? The Dart of Harkness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, my subcontractors are still working on it, we're behind schedule, my credit line and bank facilities won't get approved because my auditor won't release a clean audit report......it's a mess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of men if this was a sign of growing equality.\"No\" the man replied. \"Landmines.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't eggs tell jokes  They'd crack each other up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of compensation do you get from a prostitute? A going down payment"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once littered in a forest and the only ones that saw me were a group of otters in the nearby river. I'll never forget the look they gave me as that plastic bottle left my hands. It was a look of otter disdain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant. She has the worst stutter ever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, 'Do you want to hear today's special?' I said, 'Yes, please,' so he replied, 'No problem, sir. Today is special.'\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just adopted a dog from the local blacksmith but as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you eat Wookie meat? Because it's too chewy..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which state gives you the smallest beverages? Minnesota."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the fisherman go fishing on his day off Just for the Halibut"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man goes into a Pharmacist and asks for some silicon dioxide The Pharmacist says \"we don't sell that\".He replies \"But you have loads in the window\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the melons plan a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the mint jelly so nervous? Because it was always on the lamb."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Aaron Rodgers breaks silence on why he broke up with Danica Patrick \"I felt like I was being rushed.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't .... ..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a coin shortage in America They are officially out of Common Cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does superman wear tight shirt? Because it's sized \"S\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "In my native language (French) we have a very special kind of joke that I'd like to try on an English-speaking audience Mr & Mrs Rophone have a son, what would his name be? Mike! Ok, not the funniest example, but it's already interesting enough to show you a very cultural way of phrasing jokes in France !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves Turns out he's pretty shit at karate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a ghost of Christmas past never get? A present."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ... A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present. She said she hoped I kept the receipt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my girlfriend last week to get her air conditioning fixed and to stop walking around the house naked for all the neighbors to see. I came over today and nothing has changed Except now she’s got only fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The chemistry teacher babbles on, \"Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium...\" One of the students stands up and says, \"BORON!!!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out I guess that's mustard gas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't birds live in caves? It would be to much of a bird den."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Hitler so surprised when he lost the war? Because he did Nazi it coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus! Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?Russian: BusinessCustoms agent: Occupation?Russian: Yes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ... I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth? A toothbrush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese takeaway order is about 25 dollars. The price of gas to get there and back is about 3 dollars. Realising that you forgot one of the containers at the shop is riceless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights. Who wants some?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I keep on telling my friends that I think one of them might secretly be an owl But all they respond with is “Who?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My pastor asked me to name the four Gospels, but I could only remember Matthew, Luke, and John. I missed the Mark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Charles Darwin propose to his wife? He said that she was his natural selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater... It was too big a whisk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the egg say to the frying pan Yolkgottabekiddingme!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My father teaches biology and Spanish.. Him:  Ok, who can tell me what these are?Me:  (Raises hand) Soy Beans!Him:  Much gusto, Beans!  Me llamo Dad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cellular network for vegetables? A cellery network."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend just called me to tell me he has changed his name to 'Spinal Column'. I asked if I could call him Back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with a lisp who murders angels and ghosts? Ethereal killer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On the bright side... We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between humans and a bullet? Humans miss John Lennon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Black Widow is just the right amount of hot. In other words, Natasha Warm Enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are. I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an alternate universe, Shakespeare’s writings are the easiest to understand But basic dialogue... is for prose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what makes sense? Perfume factories."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop? Because there'd be no charge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof I was shocked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the definition of Relative Humidity? That's the sweat that rolls down the middle of your back while you're screwing your sister-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flowers whistle? Through their tulips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher He now has a beef with me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A manager of a food mart comes home after a long day of work. \\*conversation at dinner\\*Manager's wife: I've been wondering how you deal with all the people refusing to wear masks. How?Manager: Well, I manage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution..... There's going to be hell toupee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A termite walks into a bar and asks, \"Is the bar tender here?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was King Arthurs army too tired to fight? All of those sleepless knights."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a TV vaccination? A screen-shot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fisherman say to the magician? \"Pick a cod, any cod.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I tucked some receipts from Bitcoin into an exotic dancer's panties. My first use of stripto currency."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door: She: \"What do you want, Sonny?\"He: \"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?\"She: \"Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?\"He: \"S-s-sorry, Ma'am ... W-w-what about vinegar bottles?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Santa spend 364 days a year forming strong masculine relationships? Bros before hos"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge? He wanted to gather his THOTs first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rich people have... Rich people have colon cleansesPoor people have taco bell"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work. Nobody got higher than me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do people say \"break a leg\" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A blood orange."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone keeps sending me envelopes with cartoon dicks on them. I hate junk mail."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone must have hated their snowman They gave the snowman two black eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Laziness is the engine of progress. The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teachers from other countries make fun of the US education system Sure, we don’t teach evolution everywhere, but I don’t see your countries volunteering to demonstrate natural selection in schools across the country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a wheel that you wear? A tire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the botanist do every time he was in a slump? He turned over a new leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what's fucked up? A giraffe at a zoo orgy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would never hit someone with a musical instrument... I don't like to resort to violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Water is heavier than butane because... Butane is a lighter fluid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife asked if I was still attracted to her I replied “I married a 6 and now you’re a 10, what do you think?” She walked away happy,Which is odd because I was talking about her dress size."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus... Hollywood has Terry Crews."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? \"internyet!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up. I was displeased with his shellfish ambition."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today... In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:\\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?\\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.\\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!\\- Ah, this must be outside."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a shark that slaps the hell out of people instead of eating them? A manyeeter"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got into an argument with a blind man. He just couldn't see my point of view."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a chemistry student is too stupid to learn about Oxygen, does that make him an oxymoron?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of the Thai superhero that fights crime while dressed as currency? Bahtman.Or is it The Bahtman?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The price of balloons have been plummeting... Specialists say it's due to inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy phones reception at a Hotel. Guy: I need help quickly, my wife is trying to jump out of the window,and we are on the 14th floor.Receptionist: Okay calm down, do you need police and an Ambulance?Guy: No I need maintenance, the window won't open."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Mommy, why is some of your hair white?” “Well, you see my child,” says the mom.“Every time you make me sad, one hair turns white.”“Oh really mommy,” exclaims the daughter.“So then what did you do to grandma?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys are walking down the street when a thug lunges from an alley and points a gun at them... \"Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!\" the thug says.Bill says, \"Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait? Doesn't seem like it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If, whilst having my tea, I knock a pea off my plate onto the table or floor, I announce to my family - \"I have an escape-pea.\" My family don't like me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An employee stole my credit card and used it to buy porn. I had to fire him for poor judgement.... WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus. \"Do you mean a martini?\" the bartender asks. \"Look, if I wanted a double I would have said so.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Earth's favorite pastime? Making fun of other planets for having no life."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Went to the opticians. She told me that I was color blind.Well I must say, that came right out of the purple."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator. Players just don't want lute boxes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I took off her shirt. Then she said, \"Take off my skirt.\" I took off her skirt. \"Take off my shoes.\" I took off her shoes. \"Now take off my bra and panties.\" and so I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, \"I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband files for divorce. In the court, judge asks why, he says - she doesn't satisfy me. The wife replies - the entire neighborhood is satisfied, he is the only one always complaining."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: \"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son.\" The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: \"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I took part in a boxing match where everytime I was KO'd, I'll get a Pixar movie. It has become irritating. I get knocked down but I get Up again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Miss Obama stepped on a snail. What did the snail say? MESHELL!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami? Cocaine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park **cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot Ones an Australian animal, and the other is a geordie stuck in an elevator"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. \"But why?\" they asked. \"Because,\" he said, \"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... \"I'm scared\" said the little girl.\"You're scared?!\" Said the man. \"At least you don't have to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a drunken sailor? Hard to Port."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you trust duck doctors? They're all quacks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do trees access the internet? They log in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra. But he was spotted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get a group of emo kids to change a light bulb? You don't, you just let them sit and cry in the dark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments? It became an  a cappellago."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A judge called me egotistical and conceited I think I'm appealing"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s  Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?  Dollars."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive I am just lucky my brother told me about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are roofers always irritated. Because they have to deal with shingles all the time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase? Man, he petty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair? Because they can't stand up for themselves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back That would be truly alarming"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What internet service provider do prostitutes prefer? Cox, because they keep going in and out, sometimes they're fast, sometimes they're slow, and they bend you over when your bill arrives."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words: “Rat tu, touille?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a steamed fish and a stupid donkey? One's a dum bass, the other's a dumb ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend said to me \"I hope you find a deep hole in the ground to collect water from.\" I know he means well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history... Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are 2 astronauts in space. The first says \"I can't find any milk for my coffee\"The second says \"in space, no-one can. Here, use cream\"(Saying it aloud helps)#Tip your waitresses!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do people go to argue in the mall? They don't. No one goes to malls anymore, but they used to go to the Feud Court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries! (Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16. Anyone over that is just too old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hosted a huge event for gingers last week Sadly not a single soul showed up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did anyone hear about that country who started using balloons as currency? They ended up with a massive inflation problem."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Just Got Cast In A Commercial! I'm the \"before\" picture"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A fowl smell!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.  I see food and I eat it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the plastic surgeon say to the patient? Happy new ear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line. The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity. Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the most common occupation in Germany? Poland"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'? A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp? Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why Scooby Doo is the most viewed cartoon in Denmark? Because he’s a Great Dane"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A white woman has a baby with a white husband The parents rush to the hospital to deliver the baby. The baby pops out and the baby is... black? ''Well that took a dark turn'' said the husband"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Grains of Sand... Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls... ...So now he has fiber optics."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jimmy Carr was once on Top Gear, and was (for a time) the fastest star in a reasonably priced car. Which is ironic, because that is what all the hookers in L.A. called him, too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents are rich... Edit: I’m rich and I need a shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career? Quack cocaine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues. Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard the gangs fighting again yelling, “THE RAVIOLI IS OURS.” And, “NO ITS NOT.” I questioned why they always fought Then I remembered it’s because I’m in the spaghetto"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife might be a segregationist. She gets REALLY mad when I mix the whites and colors together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a tree falls in the forest but there's not a woman around to hear it, is the event even relevant? Of course not! Nevertheless, a Chihuahua 500 miles away will start barking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yo momma is so stupid She studied for a drug test"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sound does a Venezuelan pigeon makes? Coup Coup Coup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Crop tops are very efficient. They don't let anything go to waist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a \"b\" comes after it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the computer always play \"Someone Like You?\" It was a Dell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a vampire's favourite fruit? Neck-tarine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I told him my dogs don't even own bikes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump's tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Anthony Bourdain was cremated... Surely as a chef he would have preferred they stopped when he was medium rare."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball? Because they’re fucking dead"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours After all, it's made from scratch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete. They can never get any organs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a sperm bank and Michael Jackson have in common? They both tell you to beat it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I told my therapist about being unhappy, he said, \"When it comes to happiness, a good analogy is a 3D-printer.\" \"Oh,\" I said, \"You mean that I should make my own happiness?\"\"No,\" he said. \"I meant, most people don't have it, and many don't even know what it is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best thing about a blow job? You get five minutes of peace and quiet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Purple is my least favourite color I hate it more than red and blue combined."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Marowak say to Cubone during her dying breath? Marowak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a dyslexic sapiosexual today They said they were very attracted to my brian."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The guy who wrote the song 'In Too Deep' missed out on the 'best writer of a rock song' award. Most of the judges said he lost, but Sum41."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a linguist, \"I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?\" \"For starters,\" she said, \"the h is silent.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Has anyone read the book, \"Cum Stains on Her Pillow\" By Mr. Completely"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time the kardashians go to the beach The amount of plastic in the ocean doubles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What will Dave Grohl say when his children start going back to school after the pandemic? Walkin' to learn again...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So Mike Tyson dies and becomes a ghost. What is his favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Ethereal(A cereal)I'm proud of this joke"}
{"character": "random", "line": "February 10th should be National Fart Day. Because it's 2/10."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just bought Drakes new single, but I couldn't listen to it because a damn fish jumped and snatched the cd out of my hand I guess it was cod's plan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Trumps Team end up at a landscaping business for the announcement? Because he was the Lawn Order president"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale. I never sausage a selection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bear use gloves when eating honey? He didn't want to touch it with his bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A problem at the restaurant Waiter!\" shouted the furious diner. \"How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!\"\"My apologies,\" said the waiter. \"I'll inform the branch manager.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a beached russian submarine Whiskey on the Rocks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Redditor who only posts to r/Jokes on their cake day? An original content creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just flipped a coin. On one side, it landed.On the other.. it did not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class “The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound. He said \"suture self\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Surgeon: \"Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous.\" Patient: \"Thanks Doc, but I'm not John\"Surgeon: \"I know, I am\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have some weeds in my potato garden That’s OK, I was going to make baked potatoes anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Auschwitz-Birkenau Museum released a PSA that visitors were not allowed to play Pokemon GO! Because they didn't want people pretending to be Ash"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cemetery say to the hospital? Sorry aout the delay but thank you for your patients"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Geometry teachers are oddly obsessed with communism they are always talking about marks and angles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My bank just released a card that rewards me with precious metals like gold and silver when I spend money! They’re calling it the Creddit Card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do a neckbeard and a cold beverage have in common? They get sweaty sitting at room temperature."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no churches in space? Without gravity there can be no mass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks... ...are you testing its utensil strength?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you tried John Wayne toilet paper? Well don’t.It’s rough, tough,and don’t take shit off of anybody!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Anakin Skywalker's favorite baseball team? The Padres!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me. He was as good as his word.  The funeral is Thursday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, \"Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel.\"The patient says, \"My name isn't Daniel.\"The doctor says, \"Mine is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "French Bottled water French bottled water always makes me Wewe !!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. \"What's the story?\" she asked. \"Just crap in the carburator,\" the mechanic replied. \"How often do I have to do that?\" asked the blonde."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what happens when two Samurai got into and argument it might take a while but they will sword things out eventually."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shame a girl for her breast size and I’ll push you into traffic. Who’s flat now?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep… \\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…\\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal. \\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every year for my birthday my mom spends a fortune on sending me a gourmet selection of high-quality cashews, pistachios, and almonds. Specially selected and seasoned, I Googled how much she's been spending on these gifts: around $1,000 each. It's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a steamed potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear Because he is unable to take a pooh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't toys made from paper move Because they are stationary."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive.\" I think they've hired Neymar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Eyes Specialist Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading \"Every Breath You Take\"? The file was created by The Police as part of a Sting operation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of bird creates an only fan's? An Ea-gle...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama. He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.Rhino: \"Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap.\"Lion: \"C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two giant windmills are out on a hilltop. One turns to the other and asks, \"what kind of music do you like? \" The other one says, \"I'm a really big metal fan.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter: Most Honorable Sir,You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.No fee,Chen Lee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the chicken cross the road? Let's make a list Let's make a list of all the reasons why the chicken crossed the road!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language is universal to strippers? Pole-ish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English? Candidate: Are the thieves from England?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach. An X-ray showed it’s knot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't envelopes reproduce? Because they're all mail!I thought of this myself.  Proud of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three \"facts\" school taught me that turned out to be false 1. Pluto is a planet2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of the modern art exhibit I was working at... Apparently the correct term is \"crime scene.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists"}
{"character": "random", "line": "George Clooney creates an iTunes playlist and fills it with various cartoon soundtracks. Clooney Tunes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Matter cannot be created or destroyed nor can it be returned without a receipt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A vulture arrives at the airport check-in. He's carrying a dead rabbit under one wing. \"Return ticket to Death Valley please.\"  \"Pleasure trip?\"  \"Yup, sort of a u-pick kind of thing.\"  \"LOL, very good!  Ok, here you go.  Are you checking the rabbit?\"    \"No, this is carrion.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just told my luggage there will be no vacations this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years? She found out about his other two hos."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be \"friends with benefits\". Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters So Trump can't tweet it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A C++ error walks into a bar... A C++ error walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at it and says \"I'm sorry, but we don't serve bugs here\". The error replies \"But I'm an EXCEPTION!\"Haaaaaaaaaa!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil I wouldn't pay 200 dollars to have a lentil on my face"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants? He liked high steaks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Kidnapper? Do you mean... Illegal guardian? (I’ll see myself out)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a surgical operation to remove a magician's powers? A misdirectomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*At my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* \"Who's thinking outside the box now Karin?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Visited North Korea over the summer, but had to leave one of my bags there. On the bright side, that raised their GDP by 0.5%"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Girl, you’re like steam. Too hot, but I’ll try touching you anyway.^^^^^.^^^^^.^^^^^.(This is just a joke. Dont actually do this.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Sonic always wear gloves? Because his hands are cold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol. And I thought \"6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Isis use to clean its plates? A Daeshwasher."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is getting sick and tired of me buying her stupid gifts. \"Next one you buy, I'm going to burn it.\" She screamed.So, I bought her a candle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the young Amish woman banished from her community? Two Mennonite"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium? O Mg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "PSA: don't let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it's mind control! I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a possum that goes back for seconds on soup A more-soupial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh  Ten tickles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: \"Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?\" His answers were just as brief:\"Hut, Hutt, Hike!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anyone know how to lift a house? My girlfriend wants me to put foundation on her face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the baseball glove say to the baseball? Nothing; baseball gloves can't talk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? By whether you see it later or in awhile."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a Get Well Soon card."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If, whilst having my tea, I knock a pea off my plate onto the table or floor, I announce to my family - \"I have an escape-pea.\" My family don't like me"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won! The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. Whats blue and fluffy?  Pink fluff holding its breath"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day It's my Pie DayPie Day's over, get out of my house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Stormy Daniels have in common with American farmers? They both got screwed and paid off by Trump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's my favourite xmas song? The one about the 25 letter alphabet. Nooo L, nooo L, nooooo L, no L"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together. OMg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green? K-K-Kale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a pun competition going on in the local community. I decided I might have a go at it since I am pretty good with puns. The rules were simple: we all had to tell 10 puns. I got on stage and gave it my best shot to wow the judges. Sadly, no pun in ten did."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So I bought a pocket printer. So happy I can finally print my own pockets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common? Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most popular type of tree in California? Ash."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree. I heard he called Mercury a star."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When are cooks at their meanest? When they mercilessly beat the eggs and whip the cream!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had to break it to my luggage that there'd be no vacation this year ... ... and now I have to deal with a lot of emotional baggage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin? Because only a Sith deals in absolutes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man enters a library A man enters a library and asks for a book about suicide.Librerian:\"I really can't give you one\"Man:\"Why?\"Librerian:\"You won't return it\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the guy say when he buried a body in the wrong cemetery plot? \"I've made a grave mistake.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt She felt the same waySo I turned on the air conditioner"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a black samurai call his frightened enemy Pussy ass ninja."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him… “I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you check if a webpage is HTML? Try it out on Internet Explorer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t find my vegetables. Hopefully, they turnip soon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Hey, I’m looking for a book about turtles” “Ah yes, the hard back”“Yeah, With small heads”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas? Because they weren't getting a square meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide CHECK CZECH CHEQUES"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher : \"Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?\" Student : \"Brotherly love\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If two vegans are in an argument, is it still called a beef?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine. It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of anagrams died... May he \"erect a penis\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? A: Pulled-Pork"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole, and a Fox lives in a foxhole, does that mean a donkey live in a asshole?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabba Ghoul"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There has been some speculation as to whether male cows defecate. As you can see... That's bullshit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A supervillain walks into a bank and says, \"I'm Mr Marijuana Frostbite...! ...and I'm a stoned cold killer!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.  Turns out it was a rubbish tip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats the worst place to loose ypur virginty? At a family trip to Alabama"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn’t paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said “I’m not happy.” I replied “Well, which one are you then?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth? A lyre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Walking in a forest I was walking through a forest and stumbled across a dead body, I started to check my map, because I was obviously going in circles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not so sure my new year is getting off on a good start. Last night I ate like a pig and got incredibly drunk. First thing I did this morning when I woke up was take an enormous, smelly shit. Second thing I did was get out of bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just bought a half-price cloak of invisibility. The seller wanted to charge me full price.I got it for refraction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which generation of Corvette was most likely to blow up? Probably the C4"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you? on Oni Fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ninja is getting ready to fight a samurai The ninjas friend asks him \"do you really think you can kill him without a sword?\"\"Sure-i-can\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of live savers and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So the teacher gives them a hint and say it's what your parents call each other.  A little girl shouts and says “ OMG their assholes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do monsters like to watch movies on? Wide scream TVs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Women should not have children after 36-really, 36 children is enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant. In Florida, it's a changing room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you get caught stealing in most countries, the police take your fingerprints and release you... If you get caught stealing in Iran, the police take your fingerprints and you don't get them back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the opposite of colonization? Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what’s the difference between bees and bears? ears"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is only one true way to check virginity Check the label on the back of the bottle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss at the cereal factory pulled me into his office... “I like your recipes son, but I think we should make some changes.”“Ok”, I said, “Like What?”“Well, first I’d like to dip it in sucrose.  Then, I’d like to dust it with dextrose -““Stop right there”, I said.  “No need to sugar coat it.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my girlfriend last week to get her air conditioning fixed and to stop walking around the house naked for all the neighbors to see. I came over today and nothing has changed Except now she’s got only fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Has the Abominable snowman called? “Has the abominable snowman called?” my friend asked me To which I replied “Not Yeti”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison. The police alert said “There’s a small medium at large.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do the cows return from the fields right about when evening tea is ready? It’s tea-pot calling the cattle back"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Al Pacino's  brother is steaming that his parents... named him Cap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Got fired from my job as a security guard. I had to escort myself out of the building."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Friend Told Me Twelve is a Significant Number. I disagreed. I said it dozen't matter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "there was a suspicion of university diploma forgery There was a suspicion of university diploma forgery. The police went to investigate that. \"There was no proof that any crime was commited,\" said the police officer, John Brown J.D., M.D., B.D., Ph.D."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The leper was upset at the expensive ambulance ride to the hospital It cost him an arm and a leg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I donated to a group trying to make all cows go extinct. It’s a no bull cause."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the definition of Relative Humidity? That's the sweat that rolls down the middle of your back while you're screwing your sister-in-law."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I accidentally locked my keys inside my car outside of a planned parenthood Going inside to ask for a hanger was pretty akward......."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out... That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats. Every patient that's made it there has flu."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Amazonian fish does it take to kill a Frozen character? Just one per Anna."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two burly, muscular men are in the gym, lifting weights... One says to the other, \"When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!\" The other says, \"Why's that?\" The first finishes, \"Cause the elastic is killing me.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Students at a high school in Georgia were suspended for posting photographs of their crowded hallways. The administration was worried about the wrong thing going viral."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Y'all ever just stop & think about all of the amazing, world changing, discoveries/inventions we use every day? Fire, the internet, refrigeration, the wheel, the combustion engine. My favorite invention? The shovel. That was truly groundbreaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day... It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It said :\"Only black ties\" on the wedding invitation card. But when I arrived,  I saw people wearing suits too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be sexually attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound. Then I came to my senses."}
{"character": "random", "line": "i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house... Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells \"Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. I rode on, ruthlessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You might be a redneck.... ....if you've ever had to climb a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ... \"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess,\" the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket.\"Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?\" asks the frog. \"I'm a princess!\"The man shrugs. \"I'd rather have a talking frog.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you catch an elephant? First, you’ll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is another name for all the bodies of water on the Earth? Cloud Storage.(Original joke!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Al Pacino's  brother is steaming that his parents... named him Cap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise... It sounded like someone was using a eraser.  He walks towards a grave and it gets louder.  So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says \"Mozart what are you doing!\"  Then Mozart says \"I'm decomposing\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an epileptic man's least favorite element? Cesium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a... ...Flat Fee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court. Accused: HahahahJudge: I wasn't talking to you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the Scottish National Party’s proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings? Nick all the sturgeon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork. The poor man dyed a loan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you milk a Dragon? By making 3 movies and a couple TV series about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you muzzle a wounded sheep? To help stop the bleating"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We should start calling unvaccinated kids Peter Pans... They never get old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about VR for Cows? In Russia they are using Virtual reality to enhance cows moods and increase milk production. On theose cold dreary days the put the VR headset on them and show them summer pastures.You could say it is a mooood enhancer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Genie: You have two wishes left Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P insteadPenie: And your final wish?Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S insteadPenis:Ms: Nics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the ocean say to the beach?' Nothing, it just waved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can I watch TV? Yes but don't turn it on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts hate rain on Halloween? It dampens their spirits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know a lot of jokes about satellites, but they never seem to land."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said \"could you check my balance?\"-so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are celebrities never sweating? They're surrounded by fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. \"You can't cut me down,\" the tree complains. \"I'm a talking tree!\" The man responds, \"You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over. Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a programmer/coder do when he's tired of life? He writes byebyeworld.c"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship. We had a real row v. wade debate that day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What currency do processes use to bribe the processor? They use cache"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cheese factory exploded in France today De Brie was everywhere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like a fucking bitch"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one. Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common? Sooner or later one of em will get your house...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Knock knock!\" who's there?\"You!\" You who? \"YooHoo Big summer blow out!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you were an owl how often would you check your back? Owl the time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue. (punchline)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I need to brush up on my geography. The box my new TV came in said \"Built In Antenna.\" I have no idea where Antenna is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People ask me how I feel about having never caught a heron I tell them, \"I have no egrets.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "COVID-19 can damage the heart, lung, and brain. Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache... I guess I’m black toast intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I strongly believe women are like fine wine. They should be kept in a dark cellar and only brought out for special occasions."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common? They both share your blood"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to? Royalty Free Music"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Of course JFK was a Rick and Morty fan. His brain was so big that it covered an entire car, after all."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump is being followed by smart ideas But he's faster"}
{"character": "random", "line": "While I was cleaning the pool one hot day... I overheard my college daughter’s friend:Your dads hot!Daughter: really??I smiled Friend: I think he’s suffering heat stroke, you should tell him to get in the shade"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call adult-only Chess videos? Pawn"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend came back from the bathroom with wet hands. I noticed this. I said, “Wow it looks like you’ve washed your hands.” They say, “No, I just pissed on them so I can knock out two birds with one stone.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got a pop up ad for a locally owned Sean Connery roofing supply company It said, “shingles in your area”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... \"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?\" He asked. \"Where were you educated?\"\"Yale,\" replied the young accountant.\"Such a grand university - what is your name?\"\"Yim Yohansen\" replied the accountant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!  I'm just doing it for kicks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Hyena's could throw Would they be called Hyeeta's?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together? ....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s hard to find deals for prosthetics in today’s economy. They charge me an arm and a leg for their product."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A science teacher tells his class... \"Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1774.\" A blonde student responds, \"Thank God I was born after 1774! Otherwise I would have died without it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of Lynx? A chain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times. Today is the Ides of March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an orphan call a family photo? Selfie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a vampire, a nun, a gorilla and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says \"what is this, some kind of joke??\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they call the Bernie Bros now that hes lost the nomination? Back to being plain ol' BernOuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cop say when their stomach started growling? Stop! You're under a vest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of award did the dentist receive? A little plaque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city? He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That’s right, the steaks were pretty high."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A family takes their sick dog to the vet. The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says \"I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down.\"\"Why?\", asks the shocked family. \"What's wrong with him?\"\"Nothing major\", replied the vet. \"He's just really heavy.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A baseball player worked part time at a bakery His boss told him \"Hey batter batter batter\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Home Remedies Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer,  my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings It was called \"Accessories To The Crime\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’ ‘Yes, of course…’‘Great! I never could before!’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dentist to put in a new tooth that matched my other teeth He put in tooth with 4 cavities."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'be always been afraid of over engineered buildings Is a complex-complex complex"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two students were talking about their childhood. I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk.\"\"You call that clever?\" the other said. \"I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "This furniture store keeps calling me… all I wanted was one nightstand."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How was the first digital sound created? Someone snapped their fingers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If an acquaintance asks if you’d like to join them for the afternoon picking oval, reddish-yellow fruit... ...it’s a date."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives..... Yul never wore cologne!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when the people of Westeros have an incurable disease? Game of Crohn's"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who. If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dinosaurs girlfriend get pregnant? Because they did it rawr."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the woman say after she was hit on by the Pillsbury Doughboy? \"No thanks. I'm not into roll play.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Trump change a light bulb? He holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the universe to revolve around him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told the corn he wasn't fat, just a little husky. He didn't know how to take the compliment tho I guess it went against the grain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the US government use to kill flies? They use a S.W.A.T team"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you have no idea what a prefix is, don’t worry. It’s not the end of the word."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when two dinosaurs run into each other? A Jurassic jam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the calendar say after Tuesday? WTF"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was that bad in geography That I couldn't even find the class."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked into a gent's bathroom... and saw a guy wearing an american flag at the urinal.I asked him 'Hey are you American?'He replied 'European''yeah, I know, but are you American?'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The creator of homeopathy has just died. Massive underdose, apparently."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers... Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the highest form of flattery? A plateau."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superglue comes with a warning: \"Caution - Instantly bonds skin.\" But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: \"Caution - Instantly bonds kin.\" That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic. They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What pair of shoes do kidnappers love the most? White Vans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy? He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A monkey asks another monkey - What are you doing?- Eating a banana.- But why is it brown?- Because I'm eating it the second time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Brazilian percussionist who was severely injured in a conga line? He made a maraca-ulous recovery. It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get red color from green color? You put frog in mixer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and faceplants into a stool. Now he's completely shitfaced."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms... Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a barbie toy is in a line for a grill? A barbie-que"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pickpocket is a victim of a motorcycle hit-and-run. A police officer comes to his aid. \"Do you remember his license plate?\" he asks.\"No\" says the pickpocket weakly, \"but here's his wallet.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Flat-Earth Society is now recruiting new members... We have chapters all around the world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some protestors are breaking into congress I hear it is a capitol offense"}
{"character": "random", "line": "February 14th... a day I get something that starts with \"A\" and ends im \"al\"... .... a nice meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’ve never trusted tectonic plates They’re too shifty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My niece asked me what Cu.M. stands for It took me 2 minutes to understand it was Cubic Meter and not something I was thinking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a long, curved potato with a monetized video channel? A professional U-tuber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese. This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama Because crimes can’t be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy? Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke? A Yamahaha."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Earth is 3rd from the Sun That means all our problems are 3rd world problems"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.  People must be dying to get in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can't help but get jalapno space."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pig loses its voice...does it become disgruntled?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old captain Jack died peacefully in his sleep... Unlike his passengers, that died screaming in horror....(Okay, that was an old one, but I haven’t seen it here before, probably is though)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was grilling some lettuce over a fire for dinner. My dad came over, took one look and said: That's chard, you idiot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear all the Major League Baseball teams shut down? Apparently you can get COVID-19 from bats."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a great cat joke? Just kitten. I don't have one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the lady who backed into a running fan? Disaster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore. I deleted the app."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The unluckiest person did actually find the fountain of immortality. Unfortunately, he drowned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: \"Name?\". \"Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin\". \"Address?\" \"Kremlin, Moscow, Russia\". \"Occupation?\" \"No, this time just visiting\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was washing my hands in a public bathroom yesterday and someone stole my mood ring I don’t know how I feel about it..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it? Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When lawyers go fishing, why do they throw back the sharks? Professional curteousy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An explorer claimed the Ancient Egyptians had Bitcoin technology before anyone else! He stumbled upon a tomb filled with ancient gold money, and shouted “Look at this crypt! Ohh currency!!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Coworker: Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere. Me: Well it got me to the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in ‘98. Coworker: Really?Me: No."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the... Queue anon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The errors 404 and 403 went to vote, 404 voted for Trump. 403 forbidden."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that gets right up in your face? Too close for comfort food."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease. Guy: How rare?Doc: Really rare.Guy: What’s it called?Doc: You choose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who. If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a boxing comedian need? A good punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to tell a joke about soup kitchens. But it was in poor taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Uncle works at a crematorium.For his birthday, I bought him a bottle of lotion... Because he must be ashy..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been looking everywhere for my U2 CD... but I still haven't found what I'm looking for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week.... Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casketThey put the left leg in....And then the trouble started"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Old captain Jack died peacefully in his sleep... Unlike his passengers, that died screaming in horror....(Okay, that was an old one, but I haven’t seen it here before, probably is though)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a hermit crab call its home? Michelle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry It has its prose and its Khans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field? F-owl"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When you don’t qualify for a Nobel Peace Prize... ... Go for the Darwin Award!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Genesis flood happened in prehistoric times... ...It’d be Jurassic Ark"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You sure I don't have heart disease, doc? You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?Of course not. Your heart will last as long as you live."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call Aronold Schwarzenegger when he retires? The Ex-terminator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A dentist looks into a patient's mouth and says, \"That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen.\" \"I heard you the first time,\" says the patient. \"You didn't need to say it the second time.\"\"I didn't,\" says the dentist. \"That was my echo.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman pulls over a car. As he goes up to the driver’s window, he realizes he pulled over two priests. Embarrassed, he says “Oh excuse me, Fathers. We’re looking for a couple of child molesters.” The priests look at each other, then look at the cop and say “Alright, we’ll do it”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a party where snakes choose china? A reptile dish function."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does the German baker greet his customers ? Gluten Morgen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom? Tuba Toothpaste"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Porn is like a library book.. It's probably got cum in it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play. I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the \"She sells sea shells\" tongue twister in a newer version The seller lives in Seychelles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you play WAP with the bass turned all the way down... Is it then a treble cleft?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call evil duck rituals? Fowl practices!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does John Cena take COVID19 seriously? Because he doesn't want to go to the ICU."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think with the recent success of Elon musk’s “not a flamethrower” sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes He could call his first brand Elon’s musk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, \"It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor.\"Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t you recommend a book to a social media user? Because they have probably already Reddit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was admitted to the hospital today with 20 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you never use \"beef stew\" as a password? It's not stroganoff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you handle a fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why can't you ever run through a campsite? A: You can only ran - it's always past tents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "One night an airplane was burglarized, and all the toilet paper was stolen. When the police came to investigate, their report was inconclusive, because they had nothing to go on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? \"internyet!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a rapper attacks a loved one? beats by Dr. Dre"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When your kid say “no I don’t want dad i want mummy.... It’s the first step to “I want to speak to the manager”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a professional mover with Parkinson’s disease? A mover and a shaker"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I was turned away from an LGBTQ organized event. To think I thought they were inclusive. This is the last time I take my pack of lions to a pride parade."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a compulsion to hurt myself with lumpy potatoes. I think I'm a mashochist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Recently I met a pair of twins named Sharon and Karen They were wearing the same clothes, same makeup, and same personality. In fact, they were pretty much the same person. So I guess it is just as they say, Sharon is Karen"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ... Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does the German Power Ranger's alarm clock say? ITS MORGEN TIME!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A male kangaroo told me to get off my phone Ok boomer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East. I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In Australia they use kangaroo broth to make Marsoupial"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Come on Nancy Pelosi.. you can't just rip one on live television like that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids? A traffic cone.*what did you expect?*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies? A swallow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun! The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague."}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.” “Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do old people always say 'Well, there's no place like home' yet, when you put them in one....."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"How to break up with your girlfriend\" A two-step process: Step 1: take off your glassesStep 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you made of Copper, Nitrogen, Terbium, and Silver? Because you are a CuNTbAg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits.. \"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!\"\"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "-40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I only know 25 letters of the Alphabet I don't know Y"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Liam Neeson played Aquaman \"I've got a particular set of gills\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. \"I hope you win\" was not the correct response."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs. The doctor says to the nurse, \"Give him two Viagra.\" The nurse asks, \"How will that help?\" The doctor replies, \"It will keep the sheets off his legs.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club? Because he was flossin’...Buh dum tisssss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a seal say about network switches? ARP ARP ARP"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts... They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife missed her last 2 periods She doesn't know when to stop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"How did you not get drafted into the war?\" \"Heh.\" I chuckled.\"Iran.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an authoritarian couch potato? A dictator tot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the English use to blow up their enemies ? Tea N Tea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds. \"ROAR!\" he yelled. \"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked.\"T Rex!\"Then he said, \"HONK!\"\"What dinosaur is that?\" I asked with a chuckle.\"Triceratops,\" he said.\"Why does a Triceratops honk?\"And he said, \"Because it has horns!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Snowman's jizz? Jack Frost"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was hard talking to someone in East Germany in 1961. I come from the West and man, it was like talking to a brick wall."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If i had nickel for every time a woman thought i was ugly They would find me atractive"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the giraffe say to the cat? Get the fuck off my tree"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years. I never knew he was a barber."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why won't my motorcycle run? Because it's two tired."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do people say \"break a leg\" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Never tell a cow a joke It’ll just go in through one ear and out through the udders."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In an ambulance \"can you describe the snake that bit you?\"Me: \"yes,  it was like an angry rope\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "John brings his car into a mechanic for an inspection Mechanic: Everything seems to be working OK, except your car horn is broken.John: No, it's not broken, it's just indifferent.Mechanic: What do you mean, indifferent?John: Well, it just doesn't give a hoot…"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a network specialist comes up to me and says \"do you wanna here a joke?\" There was a Linux error"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about a parking ticket? No??FINE."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbors are ALWAYS listening to very loud Drum and Bass Whether they like it or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently Stormy Daniels was misquoted, and what she actually said was that Trump's junk looked like A Little Potato. You know... A little *dick-tater*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day? She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer.  It's called \"Erin Go-Brah-kovich.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday. I couldn't see any."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get? Nom flashbacks.I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jimmy Kennedy, creator of the Hokey Pokey, died today at the age of 94. It was a difficult burial. They put his right arm in..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese fella bursts out of the janitorial closet and exclaims Supplies!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I googled \"how to start a wildfire\"... I got 48,500 matches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, \"Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?\"\"How dare you\", retorted the woman, \"I'm not some cheap pickup!\"\"Well then\", said the tramp, \"get the fuck out of my bed\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it… …then my illegal logging business is a success"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will. Soldier: Which one is Will?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the cow say to the butcher? Stop it, Or we'll have beef"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dragon with no silver? a dron. dr**ag**on (science joke)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shirts So like, you know how there's Extra Large and Extra Small sized clothing? Why can't I get something Extra Medium, like its the most generic sized shirt possible."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars. Now they have cameras everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who swam across the English Channel? A clever dick"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've lost my dad! Five year old Tim was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, \"I've lost my dad!\"The policeman said, \"What's he like?\"\"Beer and women!\", Tim replied"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is yellow in color that you shouldn’t try to drink? A school bus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? \"internyet!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business. Here's the Amazon link to it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me:Hey bro someone said you sound like an Owl Bro: Who?Me: Exactly"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Mr. Krabs’ Favorite Element? Silver“Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry She really loved that cat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the “teethbrush”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does one potato say to another when he’s horny? Wanna hash?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres. Person: <signing> How so?Me: <signing> You see what I mean?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to have a good life , successful job and health Then i stopped playing Sims"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave. It’s “The Cologne Wars.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is suicide illegal in China? Destruction of government property"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s pretty time consuming. Credit: My 5 year old niece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt... A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said \"looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I still remember the last thing my grandmother ever said to me “What are you doing with that hammer?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation. She said, “Honey, you know I never lie.  This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas But all he gave me was some junky old car."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced \"That's shit, that is.\"\"I know.\" Replied Rolf. \"But if you'd let me have paints...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the Kardashians swim at the beach? Because plastic is bad for the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Unfortunately, the longest day of the year is just under a month away... And I still don’t know what to get her for her birthday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone We'll call it the LGbtq+"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it. Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine asked what my IQ was... I told him it was 60. He was pretty shocked, but I'm not worried. I was tested in Celsius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which caused a large amount of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had very bad breath. Therefore this made  him super calloused fragil mystic hexed by halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys. They probably have the same names"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures \"the lowest ever recorded\" this summer. So he switched the US to Celsius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The United Kingdom is breaking up! Soon it will be the Untied Kingdom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bird say when he was surprised Well Owl be damned"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health But I think fiber makes a solid number two."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw a theft at an Apple store, so that makes me an iWitness."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A nurse told me, \"Sorry for the wait!\" I replied, \"It's alright, I'm patient.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can't beat that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is sand so optimistic? It has a can-dune attitude."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman stops a guy running with scissors \\- \"Hey, where are you running with those scissors?\" asks policeman.\\- \"To hospital. They just called and told me my mother in-law life is hanging by a thread\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the high wire artist denied insurance? Outstanding balance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:” I’d pay to see that bloody shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain. The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.The lookout replied, \"Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good.\"The captain responded, \"Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Having children is a lot like making pancakes The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Something light in light of Hurricane Florence Q: What do corals get stressed about?A: Current events"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Happy December 32nd! Trump just filed a suit to officially make December four years long."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Slovakia move to digital banking? because they ran out of Czechs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a driver's license but it's at home, I accidentally left it with my license plate and proof of insurance. ....I don't get it either but when I told it to the cop he laughed and said that's funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him... ...before he did his time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist They said it wasn’t fair"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you? on Oni Fans"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her: “Well, I guess now you really are… independent\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dollar say to the yen? You are so invaluable, it doesn’t even make cents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As the bishop advanced towards the queen, the queen pulled a surprise attack and took out the bishop Believe me, the other Vatican priests were just as surprised as you are"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm Sir Cum Sized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an all you can eat meal in a rabbit hole? A Warren Buffet"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sort of girlfriend a potato wants? A sweet potato Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the creators of Good Burger call their vegan cooking show? Quinoa and Kale"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife just nudged me and said, \"You weren't even listening, were you?\" I thought, that's a strange way to start a conversation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are there no sea cucumbers in the dead sea? Because they're sea pickles!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage. Given the number of assholes in the country."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Superman... Superman walks into a room with a pancake on his head...Not all heroes wear crepes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better? Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.Because then he'll get a  better taste in music."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it... The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, \"Is that poop in your hand?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "England doesn’t have a kidney bank But it does have a Liverpool"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl For instance ;My name Address and phone number."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An ant walked up to me and told me a bad pun, so I squashed it. Pun ant ended"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I like to think of myself as a bottle of fine wine I’m saving myself for another 10-15 years, but in reality I’ll probably wait too long, become funky, and just be left untouched until I’m thrown away"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know miso soup was made by a hungry chef? He was sitting in his kitchen and said \"Me so hungry\"Credit: my dad"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles! Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says,\" Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!\"Paddy says, \"What's his name?\"Mick replies, \"Miles, from London.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know Boy George loves to regularly post jokes on Reddit? He is a real Karma Comedian!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought about posting a joke about salt but then I thought, Na, this is r/jokes, and these guys are sodium, they just won't get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last Thursday, Bob ran into the supermarket in a hurry. \"Ouch!\" he said, then continued on his way, making sure to run around the supermarket this time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the kid in the wheelchair get bullied? He was easy to push around"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a: Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ghandi walked around barefoot most of the time, so he had rough feet. And he fasted a lot for spiritual and political reasons, so he’s not very physically strong. And because of the fasting, you could say that he did not have great breath, it didn’t smell great. So to sum it all up, you could say that Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Giraffes can grow up to fourteen feet But normally they have only four"}
{"character": "random", "line": "ME: do you like Dick Tracy? **HER:** Yes, but it’s Sharon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians. Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart” Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when there’s an earthquake at a cemetery ? A maraca band"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile. The governor took one look and announced \"That's shit, that is.\"\"I know.\" Replied Rolf. \"But if you'd let me have paints...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton... ...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, \"I see you've made your point.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache... I guess I’m black toast intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An argument between a couple GF: I'm tired of you pretending to be a detective, we should split upBF: good idea, we'll cover more ground that way"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone. There's never a dull moment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do farmers like to trade with? BeetCoin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump has 2 parts of his brain, the right part and the left part The right part has nothing leftAnd the left part got nothing right"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says: Man: \"Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?\"Fisherman: \"One with a white dress with black stripes?\"Man: \"Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?\"Fisherman: \"I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What time does Sean Connery play tennis? Ten-ish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A patient says to a dentist : \" you pulled out a tooth in like 3 seconds and you get the money, not fair! What an easy career\" The dentist replies: \" sounds right. Let's make it 3 hours long.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor I’ll post it soon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst part about having two dads? Twice the dad jokes.**Bonus**What's the worst part about having two moms?Getting stuck in an endless loop of \"Go ask your mother.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw A Homeless person pushing a trolley full of horse shoes and rabbit feet I thought to myself he's really pushing his luck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was talking to my friend last week, asked how his wife was doing and he said to me he doesn't know she went to the shop for a bottle of milk 2 week ago and hasn't come back, I asked him how he was coping He said I've been using the powdered milk its bloody horrible"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was Hitler mad when Germany lost the war? He did Nazi it coming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt... I had to tell him it was a naan-starter..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die? 00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team? They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled. As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. \"You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "People are like kangaroos They die when they get shot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[while new car shopping] Customer: \"Cargo space?\" Salesman: \"Car no do that.  Car go road.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "You break me, you get bad luck.. Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!Mirror: Are you kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A father looks at his son after losing his first tooth. “Now that you’ve lost your first tooth, son, what have you learned?” “Never interrupt you again while you’re talking”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... \"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?\" He asked. \"Where were you educated?\"\"Yale,\" replied the young accountant.\"Such a grand university - what is your name?\"\"Yim Yohansen\" replied the accountant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the man with hummus spilled on his shirt called kinky? Because he had some chick-pea all over him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whats a dyslexic zombie's favourite food? Brians"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do wounded alligators drink? Gatorade"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes. It gave me great satisfaction.....She was wearing them at the time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out... When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,”  I replied “probably the ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are prison inmates dressed in orange? They should be dressed in violet Because they're violetors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandmother died recently. We had her cremated.   I think that’s what killed her."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Life at a snail’s pace One day Ronald answered a knick at his door. He opened to find a snail. Disgusted, he flicked it off the stoop. Three weeks later, there’s another knock at his door. He opens to find the same snail. “What’d you do that for??!!” the snail yells."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do most printers break so easily? Shitty HP"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad always called me \"Pancake\" He said it was \"Because the first one is always a mistake.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm going into therapy to deal with my fear of escalators, but it shouldn't take long ... It's only a one step program."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t Henry VIII breath? He had no heir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the company's idea for a giant sandal? Turned out to be a massive flop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm dating a farmer girl I fucked her ass, I enjoyed it but the barn was pretty cold. I guess I'll try fucking her next time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't stand cheese slices... ...but I respect the Kraft"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Sir, why are you drinking on the floor?\" asked the cafe waiter. \"This is ground coffee,\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I planned to go to a class on how to deal with disappointments. But it was cancelled."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Disney and Viagra have in common? You wait 3 hours for a 3 minute ride."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Muslim eating a lettuce? Saladin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] Horoscope Compatibility As per your zodiac sign, the zodiac sign you are likely to be compatible with, is as follows :Aries - CancerTaurus - CancerGemini - CancerCancer - CancerLeo - CancerVirgo - CancerLibra - CancerScorpio - CancerSagittarius - Cance... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where did the Google team hide the dead bodies of their competitors ? The query"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation? Even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab? A cop ejects shells much more often"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does going to the massage parlor and watching a Hallmark Channel movie have in common? You always know you’re getting a happy ending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the least productive period of the USSR? When their leader was Stalin for 30 years"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, someone came into the shop I work in, walked up to me and yelled “I F-ED YOUR MOM!” After that, he ran outside. This was the 3rd time this month! I don’t know why my dad keeps doing this."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the ophthalmologist to treat my color blindless. But they treated me so poorly I saw grey all the way home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bert: \"Ernie, how do I look?\" Ernie: \"With your eyes, Bert.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They're a fungi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a baby computer call his father? Data."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When do computers overheat? When they need to vent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Clark: \"I'll have a coke.\" Flight attendant: \"Do you want that in the can?\" Clark: \"No, I'll have it right here.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every year for my birthday my mom spends a fortune on sending me a gourmet selection of high-quality cashews, pistachios, and almonds. Specially selected and seasoned, I Googled how much she's been spending on these gifts: around $1,000 each. It's just nuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper... The bartender says “hey buddy, you have a steering wheel on your zipper!”Pirate says “arrr, it’s driving me nuts!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed. After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it. Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the carpenter say when noone believed they'd seen a ghost? \"I know what I saw.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is. I don’t get paid enough for this shit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was talking to my friend last week, asked how his wife was doing and he said to me he doesn't know she went to the shop for a bottle of milk 2 week ago and hasn't come back, I asked him how he was coping He said I've been using the powdered milk its bloody horrible"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider? It's called Shallot's Web"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide. Printer: \"Why do you need pages that long?\"Man: \"Well, it's a long story.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The thing I don't like about Dietary Fiber is the large poops I'm also not crazy about our dog's name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For Halloween im gonna be a credit card. Because I'm always getting denied"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rotary phone asks his grandson how his first week at school was... \"Terrible! I don't think I'll ever be a smart phone!\"\"And why is that?\"\"They're really putting me through the ringer!\"It was a tough call to make, but the grandfather filled out an application and transferred him to another school over the hangup."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man came up to me and said \"Man, your clothes look gay\". I said \"I know, they came out of the closet this morning\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An oxygen atom was looking forward to a threesome, Instead the poor guy got ozoned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?\"His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.\"He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anybody can mash potatoes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Despite space being a Vacuum Mars is really Dusty"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The mind that calls Covid-19 \"the Chinese Virus\" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple \"Tim Apple\" on live television. The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My biology teacher said there is no evolutionary advantage to blue eyes. She must have never heard of the holocaust."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees... \"I'm scared\" said the little girl.\"You're scared?!\" Said the man. \"At least you don't have to walk back alone!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Regardless of skin color, nationality, or religion, as a species, we are all meant to be friends and brothers After all, we are *homie sapiens*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a \"mystery object\" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses. March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade ?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup. I leaned over and said, \"You're single arent you..\"She says, \"Yes, but how did you know?\"I said, \"Because you're ugly as fuck!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door: She: \"What do you want, Sonny?\"He: \"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?\"She: \"Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?\"He: \"S-s-sorry, Ma'am ... W-w-what about vinegar bottles?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a small hotel in Madrid, feeling a bit sick, they surprisingly had a doctor there who had some over the counter medicine handy, I asked how a hotel this small had a doctor available He said “quite a shame, nobody expects the Spanish inn physician”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientists planned to verify if Schroedingers thought experiment prevails on Mars but sadly Curiosity killed the cat, rendering the experiment futile."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My advent calendar only has days that end in 1,3,5,7,9. That’s odd."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Imagine a group of scientists have forcibly tied you down and begun extracting thoughts directly from your brain for study. How should you react in this situation? Don’t stress too much. It’s just a thought experiment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A poem (Nsfw) There once was a gal from Cancun,Who had a most curious poon.T'was coarse like a thistle,But tight as a whistle,And whilst cumming, could play you a tune."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know you are not allowed to come to France and buy any bears? All french bears are ours"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now I'm focusing on something else."}
{"character": "random", "line": "War joke My sister has that Afghanistan pussy, I never pull out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a tornado and a wife have in common? They both start with alot of sucking and blowing, then you end up without a roof over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China Online What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?Lo Ding"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to someone when they walk in on you while you’re on your gold-plated toilet? Welcome to my humble commode."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say... ...\"This is the whey\"(Sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did a frog say to the other frog on the internet ? RedditCredit: My 10 yr old Niece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mother does unspeakable things at the beach. She sells sea-shells on the seashore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job She probably shouldn’t have been driving"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it you realize it's half empty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There were three plastic surgeons And a wooden one"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday Everyone will be looking for windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a ... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex Big mistake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So what's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade ?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Santa say when he finds out about Mrs. Claus's Only fans? Hoe hoe hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the Scottish National Party’s proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings? Nick all the sturgeon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest? Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house? Because it leads to domestic violins.  (From my 9 year old...)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?” The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a doctor who drinks a lot of soda? A fizz-ician (physician)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If there is a king and queen size mattress, where does the prince sleep? On the heir mattresses-Repost because of spelling-"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said she want's to try some condom's with something inside to increase her pleasure. I said \"what is that\"  she said \"other men's dick's\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I gave a homeless guy $5 today I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a bunch of anti-maskers are kicked out of a store? A coronal mass ejection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the people of Pompeii say when they saw ash spewing from Mount Vesuvius? Don’t worry, we have Pliny of time!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the head of marketing for Metamucil and the head of Infrastructure at AT&T have in common? Both are in charge of fiber optics."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What you you call a men's pair of underwear? A junk drawer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a girl from my school out for a date; she only responded with a comment about our classes schedules something about not having Chemistry together"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Trump hears Obama got a smaller crowd than him \"Really? What was he doing?\" Trump asks gleefully\"Ordering breakfast at McDonalds drive thru.\" His aide said."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor. More on this after the break."}
{"character": "random", "line": "no Idea why they arrested me... I just read the sign and complied...it said:NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife missed her last 2 periods She doesn't know when to stop."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Bilbo Baggins always smoke pipeweed after every meal? IDK, force of hobbit I guess"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gorillas see us how we see aliens, skinnier, smarter, less hair Or you might call them Asians"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "ME: do you like Dick Tracy? **HER:** Yes, but it’s Sharon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do the police do if you steal soup? They arrestew."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you call a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle.- -And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?-Science fiction-  -But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?-An interesting place for a Lada factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most Star Trek fans aren't big into poetry, so I knew that writing and publishing a book of Trek-themed poems would be risky but rewarding. The project had its prose and Khans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked \"Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "2019 is the first calendar year... Where the 24th was the end of May."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth? His mouth was 4 molarPost your favorite nerd chem jokes!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper Please don’t ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the hen share her crayons with the rooster? So the cock could doodle too"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The samurai's autopsy report came back. They found a chink in his armor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The person who created the sign \"CAUTION HOT SURFACE\"... ...in braille, was an evil genius."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Ntohing. Our engineering is perfect."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What flower is on your face? Your tulips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you were trying to seduce a squirrel You'd have to be pretty nuts"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture? Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic? A Juand"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit? He ate 6 crocodiles before the rescuers could get him out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a clam fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits one fucks between shits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mosquitoes What sound does an American mosquito make?BzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzWhat sound does a Canadian mosquito make?EhHhHhHhHhHhHhHhHh"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Vaginas were talking and the first one said: “Did you hear that asshole? He said ‘two in the pink and one in the stink’ is favoritism”, and the other one replied: “They hate us cuz they anus”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Really tired today... Feels like I had a long March."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought my nephew a pair of airpods for his birthday. The kid was so ungrateful, he didn't even say thank you. He just started throwing up gang signs at me.I think he's fallen into a bad crowd ever since he went deaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex. You don’t."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Many Chinese restaurants have names like, Golden Palace, Golden Lotus, Golden Dragon... But mine is named after my favourite dish, Golden Retriever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There is a coin shortage in America They are officially out of Common Cents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've created a simple and cheap period tracker There it is -> ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a clean conscience - it's never been used."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind - it's tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mountain of cats? Meow-tain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a robot's favorite snack? Computer chips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Purchase these 60 bad dad jokes in the giftbox below when you shop online at The Present Finder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the fisherman say to the magician? \"Pick a cod, any cod.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag. I told him to just leave it in the carton."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called? A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which country's capital has the fastest growing population? Ireland. Everday it's Dublin.\\*Idk if this has been on here yet. My co worker told me this and I about had a stroke.\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club? Because he was flossin’...Buh dum tisssss"}
{"character": "random", "line": "They locked down and instituted a curfew in the capital of Switzerland. It's a controlled Bern."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the dentist and they said I need a crown, I thought \"recognition at last\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got kicked out of our Writers Block support group today It made me really"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the air conditioning in your car dies, all you need is some WD-40. Windows Down - 40mph"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, \"Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel.\"The patient says, \"My name isn't Daniel.\"The doctor says, \"Mine is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A boy tried to pick a flower [OC] the flower took a **pistil** and shot him in **style**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an aggressive computer dinosaur do? An aggressive computer dinosaur goes **.rar** to assert its dominance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just watched a broke, fat dude lick pizza grease from his shirt for 10 minutes straight. I need to stop eating in front of the mirror."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two men who bang the same chick? Smash bros"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say They are all paid actors anyway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where does bitish surgeons keep donor organs? In Liverpool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "50 Shades of Little Johnny Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of BDSM magazines.A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.Johnny's Dad responds \"whatever else you do, don't spank him\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Internet arguments are like connect four but you only have three pieces"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum \"what's wrong with dad?\" \"He's going through a rough patch\" she said..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage. It was a tern for the wurst."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many seconds are in a year? . January nd, February nd, March nd, April nd.... etc"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Actor: to be or not to be? ######Me: [aggressively shaking beehive]...sounds like more than two"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home? The Seizure salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Hitler's girlfriend and a female farmer? One bails her hay and one hails her bae."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What position did Jesus play on his baseball team? Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Classical joke for Christmas period. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.  Turns out it was a rubbish tip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers, your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. \"What's the story?\" she asked. \"Just crap in the carburator,\" the mechanic replied. \"How often do I have to do that?\" asked the blonde."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did George Bush get Afghanistan pregnant? He never pulled out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/Jokes, but today she is absent. So a subreddit"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does John Cena take COVID19 seriously? Because he doesn't want to go to the ICU."}
{"character": "random", "line": "First 4 letters of Nevada is Neva In case you were wondering when they would finish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I read about a heartwarming story of several doctors performing an overnight surgery on a giraffe's knee. I guess it was a joint operation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Im sexually attracted to pillows I sleep with one every night"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dog sit in the shade? It didn't want to be a hotdog.*ba dum tsss*ba dum tishidk"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the broken printer become a rockstar? Because it liked to jam all the time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a book I bought a book entitled \"an exorcist explains the demonic\".I don't know what possessed me !"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We call the hardest working prostitute at a brothel Princess Jasmine Because she’s always got Aladdin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the dog stealing shingles? He wanted to become a *woofer*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there? European"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't watch that show naked and afraid anymore. Reminds me of being at my uncle's house"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many seconds are in a year? . January nd, February nd, March nd, April nd.... etc"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A young boy asked his dad “why does Santa only visit once a year?” The dad replied “because he’s in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Took a job in a fertiliser factory... It's my first daytime job where they give me nitrates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last weekend I got really drunk at a bar and lost my virginity with a cougar The zookeeper was pretty quick to get the cops on scene and arrest me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo? Reptile dysfunction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who studies the color blue? A cyantologist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party? Pot Roast.  Ba dum dum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you say to a good masturbation tip ? That wood cum in hand'y"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the coffee bean go to the Halloween part? It was grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Potassium and Oxygen hooked up It would have been OK, if Potassium hadn't come first.Bonus: Oxygen, Hydrogen, and Carbon always wear their best suits when they get together. They're a formyl group."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town I guess she was having a midwife crisis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses. I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding I've read it. The evidence against them is damning."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a guy who was in a motorcycle accident and lost the whole left side of his body He’s alright now"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you use to make an Argument Sandwich? Disagree-dients"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is television called a medium? Because it isn't rare and is never quite well done"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bathroom Humour What do you call a person who uses a lavatory on an army base?A Loo Tenant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn. I said, “just dew it.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone with frosted tips and dandruff? Frosted flakesI'm sorry"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time. I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Austin Powers say when he visited the apiary? Oh bee HIVE!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are obtuse angles so depressed? (BPI) Because they're never ***right.***\\- brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: “Participation trophies are bad. It rewards people for losing and is unfair to the winners.” Me: *slowly takes down his confederate flag*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What award did the deceased chick pea receive? A posthummus award"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why kind of plates did they use in the food court at the EA conference? Pay-per plates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were chatting the other day and she said to me, “Honey, I’ve thought a lot about it, and I’ve decided I’d like to be cremated.” So I said to her, “Alright, go get your coat.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was. The end result was a tie."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does a giraffe have a long neck? So it can reach it's head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[sciency] two men walked walked into a bar, one ordered plain H2O and the other said ‘H2O too please’ Needless to say, the Second one died"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads \"Idaho\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dinner So, I’m having dinner with my Uncle at this chic restaurant. As he closed the menu shut, he says to the waitstaff “I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Drinking an entire bottle of wine in under an hour is a lot like entrusting a secret to a unreliable person; It's bound to come up sooner or later!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife didn’t appreciate this joke but we saw a guy on a jog wearing a white glove. I said he was running a Jackson 5k."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German man visits America for holiday. The TSA officer asks: \"Occupation?\"The man says: \"No, only holiday!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke from my 4 year old niece. Why did the snowman go to the doctor?Because he lost his balls"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene. When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, \"That's round John Virgin.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the Mathematician frowned upon? He was a chronic math-debater"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my two year old niece to count one to ten She answered: 1 2 10"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses. The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "All my life I've refused to wear perfume. But then an aggressive perfume-salesperson knocked some scents into me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A hydrogen elemental and two water elementals walk into a bar... The bartender says, \"'Water' you doing here?\"This came up in a recent RPG session. It's terrible, but I loved it too much not to post."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new episode of my favorite Jamaican cooking show just came on... What-Jamaican"}
{"character": "random", "line": "New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. \"Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself! Ok soot yourself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Damn girl you must be a bank account Because I have zero interest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians? Ho Ho Ho!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day. Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is that airbender sad? I don’t know! He is having an Elemental breakdown"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two elderly ladies were sitting around complaining about things. Mertle: \"I can't stand when people shorten names that don't make sense.  I mean, I get Bob from Robert and Dave from David, but how do you get Dick from Richard?\"  Edna:  \"If you ask him nicely.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album? Dark side of the Moon, for it's eclectic instrumentation and higher than average production values."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m like that one stray stream of water from the shower head... The people who turn me on hate me the most."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed. After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry. The game has similar themes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A slipper!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper? A: Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can't jump."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't two elephants go swimming? Because they only have one pair of trunks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did that, I didn't even KNOW it was her birthday!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accidentally used my wife's electric toothbrush... I don't remember her eating fish for lunch."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the clock get kicked out of the library? It tocked too much."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February. I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of murderer has moral fiber? A cereal killer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Name a ground breaking invention A shovel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Was just thinking that if I shaved and shined my scalp and stood out in the sun, I could blind passersby or start a fire. Just some random reflections off the top of my head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house? To please their steakholders"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on... I would be crushed by dimes and have no idea why."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay? Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants? A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it. Anyone looking for an apartment?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. \"But why?\" they asked. \"Because,\" he said, \"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a super watered down liquor with all the oxygen removed? Hydro-gin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window... ...she said it was a little condescending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once went out with a girl who had really bad eczema on her chest... She had a cracking pair of tits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a tendency to run around naked... So every morning I spray myself with Windex, to prevent me from streaking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "(OC) Why don't giraffes have stripes? Because God took one look at them and said, \"You know, that thing's so tall, it'll be easy to spot.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it always crowded in a sperm bank? Because people are paid to come.Why'd you think sperm donations are really expensive, because they're handmadeBut Its hardwork tho, it takes alo of balls to do it, whatever you thing you on regular that's nutting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song giving us time to change the song."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mind is like a steel trap I can use it once and then I have to reset it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a farmer and a pimp? The farmer makes an honest living with his hoe"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a steak prepared à la Robert Kraft at a steakhouse outside Gilette Stadium. It was well-aged meat, massaged with an Asian rub, publicly grilled and roasted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn’t men buy underpants from Ukraine? Chernobyl Fall out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We thought Johnny was a good uncle, then he fucked his niece. Now, he’s a great uncle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My English teacher says it's impossible to make a sentence using only nouns... Boy, eye gist dew naught sea whey awl teachers seam two inn cyst tits knot rite. We half sum examples. Dew ewe? Lettuce snow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison... He's never going to finish his sentence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beautiful clams don't look out for others They're pretty shellfish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's a boy Once little johny was playing in the park when a pregnant woman passes by him.Little Johny says \"So, it's a boy, this time\"Woman, amused, asks him\" How do you know ?\"Little johny replies\" I could see his moustache, through your pant's zipper \""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many \"D\" 's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I picked up a hitchhiker last night He thanked me for picking him up but cautioned me that he could have been a serial killer and asked why I picked him up. I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are minuscule."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life. Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A monk once explained me the beauty of silence . I went home and listened to a blank cd on full volume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the bug imprisoned in a bottle of perfume say? I’m in-a-scent!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret. It tanked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies? Cause *truants* don't go to school!(I came up with this right now)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why aren't gluten free people mainstream? The go against the grain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm getting really sick of all the Holocaust jokes... My great grandfather died at Auschwitz,  so I find these jokes really offensive. Granted,  he fell out of a guard tower and broke his neck, but I think that still counts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Wife is really getting fed up with all these makeup ads on TV So I changed the Chanel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an authoritarian couch potato? A dictator tot"}
{"character": "random", "line": "So a network specialist comes up to me and says \"do you wanna here a joke?\" There was a Linux error"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when your uncle’s wife tells you a joke? It becomes an anti-joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy. One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow.  The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We were so poor that all we had for toilet paper was a calendar... Now those days are behind me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A time traveler goes to eat. After his meal, he notices he's still hungry. He goes back four seconds"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mainly wrap."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a vampire's least favourite meal? Steak."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, \"I'm sorry, but you only have ten left.\" The patient asks him, \"Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?\" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, \"Nine.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would bears be without the letter B? Ears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? They're very scent-imental."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How well did I hang up that picture? I nailed it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Say what you like about China... [This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the longest sentence in the English language? ‘I do’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My English teacher says it's impossible to make a sentence using only nouns... Boy, eye gist dew naught sea whey awl teachers seam two inn cyst tits knot rite. We half sum examples. Dew ewe? Lettuce snow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? It's cap-sized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove... As he lubes up his glove, he says, \"Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel.\"The patient says, \"My name isn't Daniel.\"The doctor says, \"Mine is.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement: \"Fake noose.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A sleazy stripper runs for governor After a controversial ballot, the stripper wins despite never having a lead the whole race. Many people suspect they rigged the erection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Colt joined with ArmaLite to create a new firearm called The Congressional. But it never works properly and you can't fire it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding. That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just beat a black belt at karate... My next challenge is a green sock ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Edward G Robinsons father became a woman, and his mother became a man. He has been very open discussing this. He has trans parents, see"}
{"character": "random", "line": "TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port. Whoops, wrong sub."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather inspired me to be a writer He died choking on a peanut butter sandwich. I will never forget his last words: \"Happy pen... happy pen...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938) Where is the non stick toilet bowl?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What starts with M, ends in DMA, and was an exciting surprise at the party? My Grandma"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies. I think she's dumpling me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China should have a cricket team. They can take out the whole world with one bat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife came back home from the hairdresser's. She asked me what I thought of her new look, and she got upset when I made my observation. 'So, you think I look like a bulldog!' she wept.I laughed to myself.'No! You need to get your ears tested!' I replied.'Oh...' she began to smile.'I said you look like a bald hog,' I added."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have? Hypochondria"}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do you call a vampire that drinks blood between meals? snackula"}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” \"Some, I assume, are good people\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Americans have a strange dialect. It's all \"sneakers\" instead of \"trainers\"...... and \"sweater\" instead of \"jumper\"...... and \"shooting range\" instead of \"high school\"..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils. Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.Media was alerted by an anonymous tip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my family is finally catching on to me telling jokes in sign language... They've been standing further away, so I can't hit them with the punch line anymore."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the scientist who devoted his life to researching how to create potassium out of thin air? Some could say... >!he’d gone bananas!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes? Very satisfying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the bakery burned down? Their business was toast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What bounces and makes children sad? The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sheep like to do in the summer? Have a baa-baa-cue!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth? Thomas the Crank Engine"}
{"character": "random", "line": "For an orphan, Every bag of chips is family sized."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it... The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, \"Is that poop in your hand?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why could Will Smith never get away with murder? First thing they look for at a crime scene is fresh prints."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just flipped a coin. On one side, it landed.On the other.. it did not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not all peasants visit the beach Yet every peasant serfs regularly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an angel of love jumping a motorcycle through a ring of fire and a Karen? One is a cupid stunt and the others a...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week! Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a guy with a pink shirt, pink shoes,and a pink 40 caliber? Sir."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst thing about ancient history class? The teachers tend to Babylon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked the farmers to attend a meeting on Thursday morning. None of them turnip."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark? Do not eat if seal is broken"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the boos!!!!Happy Halloween redditors!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three nuns Three nuns were talking one day in their room. the first nun said \"did you see the rubber in Father Oharras dresser drawer?\" the second nun said \"yeah, i punched holes in it\". the third nun fainted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mr Richard's kid was a drug dealer. So, he kick him out. Finally, he got rid of his Adickson"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the worst cat to have on your lap? Probably a bulldozer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The phone rings at Crayola Headquarters {green-green-green}\"Yellow?\"\"May I speak to Mr. Brown?\"\"Please white while I transfer you.\"{pink}"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that  Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Shouldn't the \"roof\" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, \"I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the dull story about the Japanese policeman's hatchet? It was an anti-crime axe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking. My uncle smoked, and he only died once."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you catch a digital fish Online"}
{"character": "random", "line": "After the hurricane, fixing the fence around our family farm reminded me a lot of r/jokes A lot of reposting"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me- \"Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll\". Friend- \"That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east\".Me- \"Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money. I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives. A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep repliedEdit: thanks for all the upvotes, this is my first post ever on here!!!Edit 2: removed emoji"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:\"Name?\"\"Hans Kleiner\"\"Age?\"\"31\"\"Occupation?\"\"No no, just visiting\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Running a chicken farm is more complicated than I thought There are so many layers..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a lizard loses its tail and it doesn’t grow back? A-reptile dysfunction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate sphynx cats because I prefer hairy pussy"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People make mistakes That's why a pencil has an eraser and Katie has gonorrhea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what happens when you post a Legend of Zelda song on YouTube... A copyright strike is imminintendo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why the Reddit Dragon is yellow? It's got bananas for scales"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”. So I turned it into wine..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's no surprise Nevada is taking so long to count their ballots Anyone smart enough to count in Vegas gets kicked out and banned for life"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fat people aren't marginalized They're buttered"}
{"character": "random", "line": "*tips fedora at mosquito* M'laria"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand. On one hand I’m really happy that it didn’t hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much TNT does it take to blow up a country? I don’t know, but the answer would probably blow your mind"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got the citizenship of Britain I have a sudden urge to colonize the whole world"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday was my first day on the job defusing bombs, and I had to cut some wires Turns out, I’m colorblind"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were photographers so depressed before digital cameras were invented? They spent too long processing the negatives."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you are hugging Dwayne Johnson and a pig? You’re stuck between The Rock and a lard place."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Before our night out, my wife said that she didn't want me to get dressed up. No point arguing with her.So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Between dad jokes and unemployment jokes, i have unemployment jokes the most But none of them work"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the average temperature at Motown Records? Three Degrees, Four Tops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'. Which is not so bad until you read it out loud."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I go to the store and buy 4 bags of chips and 6 sodas, if I eat 3 bags of chips and drinks 5 sodas what do I have? No self-control."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory? Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend is in a wheelchair and was tired of people \"trying\"to help him by pushing his chair for him. So to stop this he put 2 dildos on the handles.heh , true story..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People warned me not to get a tattoo of anyone's name, in case I stopped loving that person after a week, month, year, etc. Does anyone know of a really good tattoo removal service where can get my kid's name completely erased?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bar and asks for helicopter flavour crisps. The barman says \"sorry, we only do plain\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do white knights put on their bread? M'lasses"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side, It's no longer a Q-tip.It's askew-tip.>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think my wife might be a segregationist. She gets REALLY mad when I mix the whites and colors together."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do clams do for their birthday? They shellibrate..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. I hope."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa. Then my mom hid the urn from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content. A coronaissance, if you will."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a fountain drink and pressed the ice dispenser to fill the cup half way with ice, but I wasn't able to finish the task as it was... ...soda pressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the snowman name his dog frost? Because frost bites."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two black guys are peeing off a bridge The first one looks at the other and says, “man it’s cold”.The second one replies, “yeah, and it’s deep too.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My mom always used the \"here comes the train~\" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective... because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of food do they serve at Medieval Times? Farm to Fable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman knocked at my door..... I answered and he said \"Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident.\"I said \"I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Welp we got ourselves a new disease... But suddenly a bunch of disorders don’t count as disorders anymore:- OCD cleanliness - agoraphobia - antisocial personality"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A proud new dad sat next to me in the bus today, pulled out his phone, and showed me a picture of his rather ugly baby. I told him, \"that's a really nice phone.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneak-ers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross a human and a pig? A visit from the FBI and an immediate removal of your government funding"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically I guess we really should've taken away his license"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've never dated a clam but i have pulled a few mussels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark! Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!  I'm just doing it for kicks!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Schrodinger: \"We won't know the cat is dead or alive until we open the box.\" The box :\"Meow.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dumped my girlfriend last week because she had really bad breath. With hindsight though I'm really missing those 10 blowjobs a day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you say to an out of touch seamstress who refuses to modernize their operation? Ok Loomer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get it off of a Swan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would be a terrifying game show for flat-earthers? Sphere Factor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ. It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought Nickelback's greatest hits And it was just a blank CD."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. And probably only a fraction of people will find this funny."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow win an award  Because he was outstanding in his field."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the creator of autocorrect You can go to hello!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy? Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ocean roar? Wouldn't you if there are crabs underneath?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest. Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.\"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?\"\"Get out of here. I'm pooping!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was attacked while vacationing in Russia All I remember was seeing Tsars"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?\" Pop,goes the weasel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The best pizza I ever had was just a plain dough base Nothing topped that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man that looks like a receipt? Bill."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow? Because it’s In defence of bull!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The eyebrows agree they deserve a raise... The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise. They say to the man, \"hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!\"The man looked surprised. The eyebrows said, \"Thank you.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery? We tart it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the one about the letter with no postage? You wouldn't get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My partner and I can never agree on vacations. I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE? At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Evangelists don’t need health care. They’re on the single prayer system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a white drug abuser in america A politician"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument But I don’t believe that tuba true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names... she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name? Winslow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Working at a Land Rover factory is so interesting I make a new Discovery every day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16. Anyone over that is just too old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My nan's got dementia the poor sod, all she does is stand there looking through the window Maybe one day, i'll let her in"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep. huehuehue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police chief asked, \"Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?\" The officer responded, \"I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.\" The chief frowned and said... \"Please, just wear your police uniform.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor. I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does Mrs. Claus say when she and Santa are having sex? Oh, oh, ohhhhhh!!!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me- \"Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll\". Friend- \"That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east\".Me- \"Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher? He brings out the wurst in them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID. But I decided it was poor taste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start... So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is SEAL Team 6's favourite colour? Aquamarine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which rapper has the worst perfume? 50 scent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone told me to go back to my own country So Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad always called me \"Pancake\" He said it was \"Because the first one is always a mistake.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore? Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me... I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms ...Breakfast of champignons"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct They found Jesus and got raptored"}
{"character": "random", "line": "me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table **waiter:** white or red?**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn’t grow back. I’m not sure what the science is behind this, but I’m sure it was just a reptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist. They're just called Japanese actors."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you find a pothead in a crowd? You weed them out"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the name of the most popular French knight? Sir Ender."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference. Needless to say he killed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A rabbi, a priest, and a black guy are on an airplane... The plane is full of kids but only has 2 parachutes. The black guy grabs one and bails immediately.Rabbi: Give me the last parachute!Priest: But what about the kids?Rabbi: FUCK THE KIDS!Priest: Do we have time?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a question word. That's grammatically true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did cupid play before the harp was invented? The heart strings"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, \"I want a grilled …. cheese.\" The waiter says, \"What's with the pause?\" \"Whaddya mean?\" the bear replies. \"I'm a *bear*!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I plotted a graph of my past mistakes It has an ex-axis and a why-axis"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of fish has a medical degree? A Sturgeon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man wins the lottery, and gleefully rushes home to tell his wife. Pack your bags honey, I've won it big! That's amazing she says. Should I pack for the beach? The mountains? Italy? France? It doesn't matter, he says, just get the fuck out!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a good thing about a novelist conman? He may have a lot of cons, but he also has a lot of prose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Only 2010's kids will get this. Polio and shingles."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are crimson, violets are violet I have an art degree...you want fries with that?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’d show you a webpage about erectile dysfunction... ...but I can’t get it up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend said I spend too much time on the internet and not enough on her... she's all \"meme meme meme\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do two tiger sharks mate? I don’t know. They’re fucking underwater"}
{"character": "random", "line": "[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it? It was beyond bee leaf."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The theme of my companies team building retreat this year was mindfulness. They asked each one of us to give two examples of an open minded person. They said there were no wrong answers but, If your answer is author Ernest Hemingway and singer Kurt Cobain it gets you a meeting with HR."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Presidential Library Ideas: Former President Donald J Trump A children’s section with cages for kids to sit in and read."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was surprised when I heard about the flooding in Paris... ...normally, the water is l'eau."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my job at the bank Turns out you're not supposed to push customers if they ask you to check their balance."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you tell an anime character that's turned into a pigeon? Go Coo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence. I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom? He sheet himself!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky. They sure are a handful to raise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product I offered 20% steak"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've learned that restaurants in Denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American. Something about five customers being better than one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today.>!It's becoming a real problem at the traffic lights I'm afraid to say!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a squashed bee? A was."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom? linoleon Blownaparte."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde is sitting next to a brunette on a plane. She turns to the dark haired woman and asks, \"Where are you from?\" The brunette haughtily replies, \"I'm from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition.\"The blonde pauses for a second and then asks, \"Where are you from, bitch?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally “you will be toad”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The sky had a rainbow color to it today. I guess the sun's coming out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a story about freshly picked, wild salad greens that go bad when shipped through the USPS. A stale trail kale snail mail fail tale."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I drew up plans for Duckingham Palace, but I can't find them. So I guess we'll just have to wing' it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a \"b\" comes after it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do monsters like to party? At the g-rave-yard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a lumberjack, I know that I've cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak? February 14th"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do people go to argue in the mall? They don't. No one goes to malls anymore, but they used to go to the Feud Court."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows They are way over my head"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the space rock break up? It couldn’t comet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The ultimate challenge: Climb Mount Everest, reach the summit, ... ... and tell no one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a group of dad jokes? A Pundemic"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you stop a bull from charging? You unplug it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I’d finally written a non-denominational joke... but when I told it to my priest, he said it didn’t make cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Watson comes home and finds Sherlock watching television, he asks what he's watching. Sherlock replies \"Documentary my dear Watson!\" This my first Reddit post, I'm pretty sure I actually made up this joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Home Remedies Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer,  my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three blondes are walking when they come across tracks. The first blondes says “I know these, they’re deer tracks!” The second says “No! They’re bear tracks” Finally the third speaks up and says “Your both wrong! They’re obviously fox trails!” They were still arguing when the train hit them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than Empire State Building? Ofcourse ! The Empire State Building can't jump"}
{"character": "random", "line": "r/Jokes founder nominated for the Nobel peace prize Because they’ve created world’s most dedicated recycling community."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Turns out the abominable snowman is actually quite nice. I asked if he had something hot to drink, He answered \"Yea Tea\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do christian mathematicians hate summer? It's sin cos tan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt. That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had a pillow fight. The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What would you call a North Korean news channel? The Medium."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place... ...Tell that to the crab."}
{"character": "random", "line": "During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It’s a huge act, man.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a pirates favorite CD? A CD-R"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum \"what's wrong with dad?\" \"He's going through a rough patch\" she said..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license. He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses.\"I said: “Well, I have contacts.\"The policeman replied \"I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A student comes late to the class Teacher (T): Why are you late?Student (S): Mom and dad were fightingT: So what makes you late if they were fighting?S: One of my shoes were in my dad's hand, and the other in my mom's"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on a jungle expedition in Bangladesh with some colleauges of mine, when we all came across a tiger... It was really messy, so out of courtesy we tried wiping it off while profusely apologising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September It's the dictionary"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains Pull yourself together man"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know what I've turned into after starting to like bugs in my code? A Spider"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Denzel say to the thick wire entering his house’s circuit breakers box ? Mah main...!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was fired today from my job in the post office, I have no idea why. Oh shit, I meant to post this somewhere else"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey baby are you a winter storm Because 1 to 3 inches is in your forecast."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call someone who specializes in selling insurance to hand models? A digital security specialist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do physicists play Volleyball? In vacuum with perfect spheres."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you combine a Crocodile and a Shitzu? A Crockashit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the other word for meatball? Protein sphere"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an antique comb used to make braids, buns, and Celtic knots passed from generation to generation Hair loom."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When i was your age everything was in black and white. Schools, fountains, bathrooms, everything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the policeman go to the Lebanese restaurant? He was following up reports of a possible hummus side"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday i kidnapped a baby kangaroo. I got arrested in charge of pickpocket"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's an epileptic's favorite starter? Seizure salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady goes into a butcher shop A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.The butcher says \"I get off at 6.\"The lady says \"I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial. My bucket list."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina. Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I scheduled an appointment with the lady who does my eyebrows She said she could pencil me in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which appliance is the worst to have on a boat? The sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a mountain of cats? Meow-tain."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nothing's better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old. Those are the years you're in your prime."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple? They're both red. Except for the green one."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?” Mall guy: Oh sure.Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans. Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My internet connection is a lot like my grandad It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button? A frog in a blender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are paralegals never sick? Because then they would be illegal.I'll let myself out... byeee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens to a failed brain surgery? The patient loses its mind."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't the other numbers like to play with 1? Because he always won."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A helpful bit of advice when using the internet Avoid clickbait"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree. I heard he called Mercury a star."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife arranged the plates by color and size... It’s a rare dish order"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you do on a remote island? Try and find the TV island it belongs to."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball.. It was a lovely service.."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause... Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do we call them side quests... when we can call them...peripheral missions"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Russian Government has released a new streaming service with only state-approved media. All American submissions are immediately denied. They call it NYET-flix"}
{"character": "random", "line": "if someone is wearing a gap shirt .. point to their shirt and say “there’s a hole in ur shirt!” when they look down, say “never mind it’s just a gap”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the laziest person at the factory keep a cucumber in their pocket? They wanted everyone to think they were working hard."}
{"character": "random", "line": "That song \"everybody talks\" by neon trees is offensive to mute people.... And you'll probably never hear about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over."}
{"character": "random", "line": "So two men walk into a tie shop The first men asks \"Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest\"  The second man responds \"nah we will probably end up in a tie"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Britain leaves EU, how much space will be freed up? 1 GB"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food? Because they prefer ramen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call French people who like manga and anime? Ouibs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor was having trouble writing notes in my chart. He kept scribbling, frowning, shaking the pen.I said \"Hey, doc!  That's not a pen, it's a thermometer!\"He shouted \"My God!  Do you know what this means?\"\"Dear God, what?\"\"Some asshole's got my fountain pen!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hard crowd tonight ey Maybe I should put my clothes back on"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower... It was a cross pollination."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop “When is it due” he asks.“Two weeks” she replies.“I guess I’ll just walk then” he responds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once It’s a four loaf cleaver"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you ever seen .... I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.A horse *fly*?A goldfish *bowl*?A shoe *box*?A floor *mop*?A cat *fish*?A spelling *bee*?A chimney *sweep*?A chicken *strip*?A monk... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs? Wedding cake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which caused a large amount of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had very bad breath. Therefore this made  him super calloused fragil mystic hexed by halitosis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do farmers like to trade with? BeetCoin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a fat girl and a pallet of shingles have in common? ...they both have a 90% chance of being nailed by a Mexican."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment They are wanted for dessertion"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two photographers are walking down a street. One of them trips and fall onto the ground.The second one immediately falls down next to him and says: “Excellent angle! What are we shooting?”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a bank He's wearing a mask goes up to counter and makes a finger gun symbolThe clerk asks him still in shock 'i- i- is- this a stick up'The man looks at the ground and goes 'No!, I forgot my gun this is a fuck up'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad is a magician. He can turn a Bud Light into domestic violence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a surgical operation to remove a magician's powers? A misdirectomy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Peter Piker When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,And peeped her perfect pooperHis peepers paused and then his jawPlopped down into a stuporBut he perked up and pressed his luck;Professed he pined to pipe her He self-composed and then proposedWhile poin... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the squirrel cross the river on his back? Too keep his nuts dry."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love? A swallow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tutankhamen: If you find ten guys to help, I'll cut you in on a slice of the treasure Slave: This sounds like a pyramid schemeTutankhamen: A what?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which side of a leopard has more spots? The outside"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How often do scientists check the table of elements? Periodically"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An owl told me a joke It was a hoot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is summer a plastic surgeon's favorite season? It's a great time to make some mammories"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What's the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle? A: Attire!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do vampires love baseball? They turn into bats every night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just invented a car that runs on herbs... I think I invented thyme travel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call two witches who live together? Broom mates."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did Santa put his sleigh in reverse in mid-air? He wanted to back up to the cloud!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mum was asking her three Sons what part of their body they would change if they could: So Billy what would you change? my nose because it is too big, Brian, my Eyes because they are brown, Johnny my Bum, Mum says why is that Johnny is it too fat?? No it's got a Crack in it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library. They have an excellent non-friction section."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying...\" \"...I never glisten!\"She screamed, **\"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!\"**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer Lawyer: Mickey I’ve looked over all the paperwork and you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s crazyMickey: I never said she was crazy I said she was fucking Goofy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two plus sized woman walk into a bar At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: \"Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!\"Defiantly, one responds \"It's Wales!\" The man corrects himself, \"Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"You shouldn't have opened that box. Just sayin'\" \\-Epimetheus, husband to Pandora and god of hindsight, everyday for the rest of eternity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness. The new name being \"U.O.K.?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn’t Louis C.K. grill by himself? Because he likes it when people watch him pull his pork."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two Melons Fall In Love The guy says, “I love you so much, my sweet little honey dew. I don’t want to wait. Let’s run away to Vegas together.”The girl replies, “No, baby.  I cantaloupe.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan Dr.: No"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the west of Africa weaker than the east of Africa? Because the west is a Ghana (goner)(Created by my son)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them? I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Out of all the aspects of Tigers game Nobody ever faulted his driving...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator? A Fermilabrador Retriever."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are wires addicted to electricity? They can't resist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think that ultra-violet light might have Asperger's. Its definitely on the spectrum."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf. I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What religion do ghosts adhere to? Boodhism"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call it when a lizard loses its tail and it doesn’t grow back? A-reptile dysfunction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain. The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.The lookout replied, \"Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good.\"The captain responded, \"Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should a snowman never ask a rabbit? Can you scratch my nose?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last year I bought an instructional boxing DVD on Cyber Monday. This year I'm going Black Friday shopping."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not saying my local pub is rough.. but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America Now I’m the worst on my soccer team"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did frosty the snowman have to go to the dentist? He has a very bad case of frost bite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled \"I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife.\"A voice from the back of the room called out \"you need more ammo!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jimmy brought his kitten to school, he told his teacher his father was going to kill it \"I overheard Dad telling Mum that he would eat that pussy after I leave for school\"\\-from a colleague"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three knights in training were competing to see who could chop a mannequin into little pieces. The first one tries. He makes a small slice in the chest. The second one tries and he makes a large gash in the torso. The third one tries and slices the head off. He was a cut above the rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was the captain of the chess team in high school... And as you might have guessed from that statement, I’m white and I’ve never dated a black woman. But if I ever do date a black woman, I know one thing:I’ll have to make the first move."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother has been working on a belt with a built in digital clock. Talk about a waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something... this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Norwegian naval ships all have large bar codes painted on their hulls... So when they return to port a sailor can scan da navy in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can someone help me with my vegetable soup? I can’t seem to fit the wheelchair into the pot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined? It was a fruitless Endeavor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chemical Analysis of Women Item:           Chemical Analysis Subject:        Women Symbol:         Wo Discovered by:  Adam Atomic Weight:  Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb. Occurrence:  Surplus quanti... read more"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is life like a bowl of soup? Because the only way you will get blown is if you are hot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Despite black people making up only 13% of the population, they make up 50% of... Captain Americas ^in ^the ^mcu"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat? Wendy’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does 2+2 =5 ? By mistake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes? Very satisfying."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon... Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).Both were denied. This is actually true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "*At my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* \"Who's thinking outside the box now Karin?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother is a big believer in Flat Earth Theory but he is starting to come around."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"I drew up plans for Duckingham Palace, but I can't find them. So I guess we'll just have to wing' it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dad: I named you after my father. After my father: I know"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, Mark, my words!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $ That's inflation for you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-boo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant... \"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?\" He asked. \"Where were you educated?\"\"Yale,\" replied the young accountant.\"Such a grand university - what is your name?\"\"Yim Yohansen\" replied the accountant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well for starters the flag is a big plus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An artist, an engineer, and a scientist walk into a bar. Thee barkeep says \"What'll it be, Leonardo?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The brain is the most important organ in your body \\- *According to the brain*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend smokes a lot, i call her the Dragon Because she doesn't exist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard of the baseball player whose full name was babe? He was ruthless"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I legally changed my name to Edward Genocide... ...you can call me Ed G."}
{"character": "random", "line": "[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount. They called it \"The Oregon Trail\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The teacher asks little Johnny : \"Your dad buys 18 six-packs of beer at $3 a piece, how much is it ?\" \"I'd say about a one week supply, Ma'am !\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals. It's the TikTok tic tac tactic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best thing about a blow job? You get five minutes of peace and quiet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do u call a strong soup? s0uperior"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents,  if you think about it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail takes for ever to cross the street and finally knocks on a guy's door The guy answers, sees the snail, picks it up and throws it far away. Two years later the snail returns, knocks again and the guy answers.  The snail says, \"Yo! What the fuck was that about?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "“Hey, I’m looking for a book about turtles” “Ah yes, the hard back”“Yeah, With small heads”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business? He was a self made naan"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible. Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why there is high unemployment in banking sector? Because governments all over the world made sure that there is 0 interest in banking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud? By choosing the one that’s the best bang for the buck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do sharks only swim in salt water?... ...Because pepper water makes them sneeze."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The day after violent video games became illegal... ...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where's the best place for Edward Snowden to hide? Wallstreet. No one there ever seems to get prosecuted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chimpanzee says to another \"I think I prefer to walk on just two legs\" The other chimp looks at him funny in response.The first chimp quickly adds, \"No homo!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Genie: You have two wishes left Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P insteadPenie: And your final wish?Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S insteadPenis:Ms: Nics"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was having an argument with my girlfriend and she accused me of being childish. What does she know? She's just a stinky poo face."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues. Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school But to be honest I should have seen all the signs"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do wars and drunken nights out on the town have in common? A bunch of people collectively inserting themselves into questionable situations because it feels right at the time and rarely pulling out even when they know they've made a mistake."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked for a pair of vans last Christmas... So my dad got me two ford transits"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,”  I replied “probably the ladder.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of instrument does an English man play? The UK-Lele"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the dollar say to the yen? You are so invaluable, it doesn’t even make cents!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark Any darker and the police might actually do something about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Exorcist star Linda Blair turns 62 today and still looks amazing She is still turning heads.(Heard this one on the radio this morning.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated. She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, \"oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob’s wife has an incurable, terminal disease On her deathbed, she says to Bob: \"I don't mind if you remarry later, but I don't want the woman to put on my clothes.\" \"Don’t worry,\" Bob assured her. \"She is a lot taller.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Covid restrictions... I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far. They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register. I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I caught my uncle paying prostitute for sex, i was shocked Never knew people get paid for sex."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull? They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Warning. Don't let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.And came home with two cases of beer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say good dads are hard to find But bad dads are even harder to find"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why does Marshawn Lynch sit in the back at the Kid's Choice awards? He's just there so he won't get slimed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You know those people protesting the stay at home order are really doing a great job Proving that natural selection does exist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wife stands on the scale Wife: Honey I lost 2 kilos!Husband: Don't celebrate yet you don't have your makeup on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the physicist angry at the postage stamp? Because no matter how hard he tried, it just wouldn't gluon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s amazing how many people get peasant and pheasant mixed up. I was very clear with what I wanted but the chef still grilled a bird for me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the country with the highest incidence of mid-leg infection in the entire world? Germany"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years... Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know about the World Health Organization? Me : WHO?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can cut down a tree only using my vision. I saw it with my own eyes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How well did I hang up that picture? I nailed it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It takes guts to be an organ donor."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq? A job offer"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forest Gump's favorite kind of pasta? Penne"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome. I swear by it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle. At least not right off the top of my head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Jasmine Tridevil's (girl with 3 boobs), favorite type of cake? Tres Leches!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I realized that driving a golf cart isn’t as easy as it looks. But I finally got it down to a tee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did grandma say to the old fountain? You aged well!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my husband whether I’m the only one he’s been with He said yes, all the others were 9’s and 10’s.Send bail money."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says \"Fuck off you won't bring it back\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American tourist lands at Baghdad Interational Airport The airport security asks him a series of questions.Security: \"Name?\"Tourist: \"Andrew\"Security: \"Residency\"Tourist: \"Idaho\"Security: \"Occupation?\"Tourist: \"No No, just visiting\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII. I come from a line of seasoned veterans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common? they all help make a really convoluted joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My neighbor’s yard is so vibrant and colorful. Good thing I switched his weed killer to MiracleGro."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you search \"pig\" on Google Images, every image has the same file type. They're all .jpigs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two! He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a pig with fleas? Pork scratchings ( I think that  might just be a British thing so sorry if it is)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing. Et al."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I Have No Idea How I Got Lice. They just appeared out of thin hair."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the policeman go to the Lebanese restaurant? He was following up reports of a possible hummus side"}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: A shipment of Viagra has just been stolen The police are still on the lookout for the hardened criminals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Judge: So, Mr. Gonzalez, you are here on one charge of armed robbery. How do you plead? Gonzalez: My abuela told me to do it.Judge: Case closed, have a good day, Mr. Gonzalez."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the biology teacher tell the frog? Looks aren't everything, it's what inside you that really matters."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I sat at the cafe today. No cellphone.No tablet.No laptop.I just sat there.Drinking coffee.Like a Psychopath."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t plant flowers... ...if you haven’t botany."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a dinosaur sliding down broke back mountain? A Megasaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw.... He said, \"I'm not sure, it all happened so fast.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've always had a deep connection with mirrors I see a lot of myself in them"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We thought Johnny was a good uncle, then he fucked his niece. Now, he’s a great uncle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Reddit's logo should be a bit more green. To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Tomorrow's forecast is a high of 98 Degrees. I hate boy bands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you find a bomb that blows up when stepped on, please let me know. It's mine."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between squash and zucchini? You can't zucchini bugs!A family-friendly take on the age old \"jam VS jelly\" joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two atoms are talking and one says \"I think I lost an electron.\" The other atom says \"Are you sure?\" The first atom replys \"Yes, I'm positive!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the potato salad blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the best way to make people see your joke? Leave your zipper open"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new \"Divorce Barbie\" She comes with half of Ken's stuff."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the farmer that called his herd of pigs and ended up being trampled? Was the first report of sooey-cide in the whole state."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well They had a lot of issues"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's masturbation called in the star wars universe? Hand Solo"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law & Order franchise ordered a T-bone steak for dinner last night. He prefers them well Done-Done."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked my wife to set the alarm clock for six ... She asked “why six? There‘s only the two of us here.”(hat tip: Spike Milligan)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "This is a decent joke but it's relatable at least Cool quantum physics fact!When cooled, helium becomes a superfluid! To get to this state, it has to be cooled to a very very cold temperature. About -270 C!That's almost as cold as my bed every night ;-;"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't ghosts have babies? Because they have hollow weenies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working. It just doesn't make any scents"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth? A toothbrush"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy gives flowers to all of his family. To his wife he gives roses, to his parents he gives orchids, to his daughters he gives daisies. And to his sons, he gives sunflowers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blacksmith get fired.... He smelt like shit, and made a forgery."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If skeletons could be any ruler from history, who would they be? Napoleon Bone-a-Part."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does Reese eat cereal? Witherspoon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep? A: He puts his PJ-Amazon."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders? They've got loads of spirit."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom Because they’re all dead"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man was admitted to the hospital today with 20 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist, but very few people know about his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was telling my friend about an officially Jewish country, and she said it was fake. I said it Israel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo? A booffalo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English? Candidate: Are the thieves from England?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity. The river sticks"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A filthy toothbrush.. One day the toothbrush had enough of it and said “damn, I have the filthiest job in the whole wide world”. The toilet paper replied: “ you sure?”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hopefully everyone delivering quads today sees their opportunity... \"May the 4th be with you\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm trying to get my aunt and uncle to buy a donkey... But I don't wanna be an ass"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Dear Mother In Law, Don't teach me how to bring up my children.\n\nI'm living with one of yours and they need a lot of improvement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's Forrest Gump's internet password? 1forest1"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the best country for retired runners? Iran"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A clam walks into the bar... The bartender asks him, \"how the hell did you do that?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive.\" I think they've hired Neymar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s a canibal’s favourite soup? Vegetable soup"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What language a stomach speaks? Hungarian"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chimpanzee says to another \"I think I prefer to walk on just two legs\" The other chimp looks at him funny in response.The first chimp quickly adds, \"No homo!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is the forest floor covered in leaf litter? Because nature abhors a vacuum"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An American guy goes to a currency conversion shop... ...and notices the changing rates of the US dollar. He says to the clerk, \"Wow...fluctuations...\" The clerk angrily replies, \"HEY! FLUCK YOU WHITE GUYS TOO!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia There is a lot of money in sax trafficking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Remember the undies with the days of the week on them, Monday, Tuesday....? In Romania we had something similar, our girls on their undies had January, February...."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you work at a water bottle factory It must be difficult to not drink on the job"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Rearrange these letters to from words 1.pneis2.buttsxeDid u get *spine* and *subtext*yeah neither did i"}
{"character": "random", "line": "In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon... Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).Both were denied. This is actually true."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My frugal neighbor doesn't want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he's going to try and do it himself. \"How hard can it be?\" he said. I think he's in for a shock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh? A Washington."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was making a meal for a family dinner But I accidentally burnt the foodWhen my family came to eat they said it was terribleAnd I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar... The bar tender looks up \"What is this? A joke?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin... I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared... The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.The lady frowned and asked \"How did you know?\" The man chuckled lightly and said \"you used blueberry\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do they refer to network ports as female? Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution..... There's going to be hell toupee"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a fisherman who has no idea what he's doing,I dont need to worry about the corona virus I never catch anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast? Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I saw this fisherman lose an absolutely epic fish and he started crying inconsolably. I told him \"Never mind, mate. Plenty more women on the land\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, \"Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?\" \"It's spelled 'you're',\" I replied."}
{"character": "random", "line": "True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, “Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”Been laughing at that one all day."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you bury a person in the wrong plot of land, and the only thing you can give their family as compensation are the hand shovels you used... you've made a grave mistake, and are paying for it in spades"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I'm in new relationship my stomach hurts Not from butterflies or anything...From holding farts in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I recently started a literature group for inmates It's got it's prose and cons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandpa's pyjamas? Grandma."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife said if this post gets 1,000 likes, I can get Anal on my cake day So please upvote because this house hasn’t been cleaned in months and I want it spotless!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Some one told me to leave my auto correct on I told them to eat my ash"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys are playing cards in a nursing home when a naked old lady with a walker goes streaking One guy says, “what was that?”The other guy responds, “I don’t know, but it needed ironing!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If prisoners could take their own mug shots...They'd be called cellfies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it? With a pumpkin patch!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do turtles communicate with each other? With shell phones."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the buffalo say as his son left? Bison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did two tall people get along so well? The could really see eye to eye."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do geologists hate their jobs? They get taken for granite."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It's all about grip Why don't witches wear panties?Better grip on the broom!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man gets arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia The man says, “Wait! I can explain everything!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down. I couldn’t connect to the server"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Come in number 9, your time is up. Boss, we've only got 8 boats. Number 6, are you in trouble?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, \"Windy ain't it?\"Bob says, \"Nah, it's Thursday.\"Vick says, \"Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say good dads are hard to find But bad dads are even harder to find"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I almost fell for the Nigerian Prince Scam Jokes on them I already know Nigeria doesn't exist"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We now have a goat in our bedroom. 'But what about the smell?''I think the animal will get used to it.'(Hope that works in English too.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was a kid I used to think I was The Messiah. Every time my dad said something, it started with \"Jesus Christ!\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the friendlist element out there? Bro...wait for it...mine! Bromine!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?\" Grandma replies \"Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doug Jones’ margin of victory is so small Roy Moore is going to try and molest it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a wheel work? Tirelessly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabba Ghoul"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way, Would have been knocking boots with his wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Brit who struggles to use a zipper? Bloody bellend."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the difference between a mosquito and a horny female? A Mosquito stops sucking after being slapped."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two calendars fell in love with each other They went on a lot of dates"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why Bill Cosby likes Jam more than he likes Jelly? Because he can't jelly his dick in someone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out I would do anything for love but I won't do that"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs. Me: You're the one with the talking dog!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on a date last night, as I sat at my table, forking my food awaiting my date to arrive, I realized they had stood me up, and I had to foot the bill. Long story short...... Don't ever date a leg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is that a bird, is that a plain It’s a joke going over people’s heads"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess. But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the chicken cross the road? To social distance. (Credit to my 10 year old niece for coming up with this one.)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three is a crowd Wife: Love, we’re going to be three people living in this house.   Husband: Really? Am I going to be a daddy, love?   Wife: Oh, no, love. My mom’s going to come and live with us."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese chick? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The thing I don't like about Dietary Fiber is the large poops I'm also not crazy about our dog's name."}
{"character": "random", "line": "why summer didn't have any friends because she wasn't cool enough"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien? E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the thief knife himself after he was caught stealing violas and cellos from an orchestra? He didn't have a safe Haydn place, and he couldn't Handel the thought of being sent Bach to prison."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was accused of throwing shade today All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction. Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm thinking of starting a youth foundation... I mean I've already got like 30 kids buried in my basement."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered. It was a casual T."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Attack on Titan is actually slice of life For short people"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons. You could much more easily control inflation."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I know why this entire country has gotten so cold. It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I went to the cemetery today... I knew every body there would be 6 feet away from me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Steam hissing out from under his hood, a Walrus pulls his convertible into a service station... The service station attendant looks over and says \"looks like you've blown a seal\"\"No I haven't,\" says the Walrus, \"I've just finished an ice-cream.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Santa gives humpty presents Why did santa gave humpty a present Cause he is a good egg"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday I saw a tiger on my way back home. I was terrified I suddenly started pray. Then looked back at tiger and saw he was also praying. I asked him \"Why are you praying?\" He replied \"I always pray before i eat\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying...\" \"...I never glisten!\"She screamed, **\"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!\"**"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Russian leaders coffin? A czarcophahus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A ciclist who just started a farming business needs to harvest his crops, what does he do? He buys sickles"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they call shoes with wheels in Africa? SwaHeeleys."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How can you tell by someone's home if they're a highway robber? All the signs will be there."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just found out I'm colorblind. The news came out of the purple!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sometimes, the greatest joke of all is when you explain why you refuse to tell the joke. Actually, your kids will always say it's better when you refuse to tell the joke, but tell them these anyway."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery...I'll kill him with my bear hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese. This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did Shakespeare eat for lunch? Caesar salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Russian leaders coffin? A czarcophahus"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the vertebrae say when returning from vacation? I'm back!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between a brick and a red velvet cake? Not much, if we’re going off my mother-in-law’s recipe."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the tastiest dinosaur? Steakasaurus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I've created a simple and cheap period tracker There it is -> ."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means... Y'all basic!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does an aggressive computer dinosaur do? An aggressive computer dinosaur goes **.rar** to assert its dominance"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can the flap of a butterfly's wings cause a hurricane across the ocean? I don't know, but some bloke eating a pangolin in wuhan has caused loo roll to run out at Aldi..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm making a killing selling home security systems... All I do is say \"Hello\" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court,\" he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him. You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier... A deadline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool... She said “let’s see how the date goes first”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Jasmine Tridevil's (girl with 3 boobs), favorite type of cake? Tres Leches!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was on the phone to a woman from the babestation channel. I said \"Can you hide behind the couch?\" Confused, she asked \"Why?\" I said \"Because my wife is coming downstairs and I can't find the remote.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it. When he found out he was madder than hell."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My middle eastern friend was held at gunpoint. He told me he was able to get out of the situation,  I asked him, “How?”He said“Iran”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If fire and water are both elements, what is steam? Better than Epic."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays? A one that died on Thursday..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Hey girl, are you from Iraq? Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, \"I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.\" He turned around and said, \"So, you want me to stay?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A beggar walked up to me and said, I haven't eaten anything for days. I just looked at him and said, \"God, I wish I had your willpower\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Is it possible to write a book only using 2 characters? Yes just have it revolve around 2 people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out? I think they would really bond"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Someone once asked me \"What's your favourite shade?\" I said it was kind of a grey area"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really don't get all the love for the HP books... I've read them multiple times, but still my printer won't fucking work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was. Turns out the guy's a cereal offender."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A bear walks into a bar. He sits down, and motions over the bartender.  Bartender says “hey, man, what’ll ya have?”Bear says “I would like a....................beer.”“Sure.  But why the long pause?”“I don’t know, I’ve had them since I was a cub.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?... Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?... Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My family did a poll: Should we get grandmother a large deer? In the end it was a unannymoose decision"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ... I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy with a gambling addiction walks into a butchers He goes to the butcher - \"I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder\"The butcher says \"I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A fisherman was kicked out of his band. They didn’t like the way he was slappin the bass."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I get why Tupac's band smoked his ashes... ...It would have been tacky to take a shot in his memory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle? Harvey    \\*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a triangle that's had too much to drink? A rekt angle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "There are immigrants who had came to America, stolen jobs and murdered the local population and we call those immigrants the founding fathers"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To Boldly Go... “My friend had a disastrous date last night... apparently the guy was into giving golden showers. He was a big actor, too, one of the Star Trek guys.”“Shatner??”“No, I think she left before he could get to that.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep? A wolly jumper"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I traveled to London last summer I overheard a couple in a cafe. Girl goes, \"I can’t be arsed today. I’m on my period!\" \"Well, that's a bloody problem.\" he says."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Irish man bouncing off the walls? Rick O Shea"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge? John Wickipedia"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Sex is like playing billiards. You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't. It used the sidewalk.(This was a joke my teacher made)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "At the job interview, they asked me, \"Where do you see yourself in five years?\" I told him, \"I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...She said, she's sorry she ever married me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My IQ test results came back. They were negative."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we \"be positive,\" but it's just so hard without him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the blonde open a bottle of milk in the supermarkt? Because it says: Open here"}
{"character": "random", "line": "How are marriage and a hurricane similar? In the beginning theres lots of blowing and in the end you lose your house."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried asking girls out at a Star Wars convention I've been looking for love in Alderaan places."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flowers whistle? Through their tulips."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a snowman that plays piano? Meltin' John"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event. According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home... Guess she’s homeless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I divorced my alarmingly overweight wife. I guess it just didn't work out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home? The Seizure salad."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see someone wearing a mask below their nose, don't worry about it. They're a fucking mouth breather anyway, covering their nose won't add any more protection."}
{"character": "random", "line": "While growing up, Thor was always grandstanding and making a scene. But his brother remained low key."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nsfw What is a typical motto for a brothel? Customers always comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "As a kid I was told that, \"Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.\" Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, \"..help control the pet population.\"I was raised to listen to my elders..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road? He was Stalin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My 6 year old just made this one up, really proud. If a pear “paralyzes” you, what does an apple do? It paralyzes you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Son: Hey Dad, I was outstanding at school today. Dad: Good to hear that. What did you do?Son: Our teacher caught me cheating on the quiz. She sent me out and ordered me to stand at the hallway"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The pink, plastic birds that are popular lawn ornaments in Florida..... are they called, \"Placebo Flamingos\"?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a question about tampons Do they call it Tampax Pearl because it goes in their clam?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors. So that it could hide in the crayon box.  Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm sure I bought a pair of camo pants. But I've looked all over my house and I can't find them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up? Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:Edit2: More birds again"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd. Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments. Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends. I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just got my annual prostate exam. My doctor has me drop my pants and place both my hands on the table. He gets behind me and does his inspection.The odd thing is though, both of his hands are always on the table too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I invented a relish made out of my own cash. It's my main sauce of income."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the most rampant STD in the crocodile community in the 1980s? (NSFW) GatorAIDS."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man visits Harvard Visitor in Harvard Square:  \"Excuse me, where's the library at?\"Harvard student:  \"Sir, this is Harvard.  We don't end our sentences with prepositions.\"Visitor:  \"Oh, I'm sorry.  I meant to ask, where's the library at, asshole?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene. When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, \"That's round John Virgin.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "An electrical current joins the air force He was too afraid to fly over enemy ohmland because he was worried he'd be grounded."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig? The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Yesterday was my first day on the job defusing bombs, and I had to cut some wires Turns out, I’m colorblind"}
{"character": "random", "line": "which TV/movie character can use the power of the force and the power of potassium? Bananakin Skywalker!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Chun Li: Can I ask you a question? Ken: SURE-YOU-CAN!!!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I didn't quite get my girlfriend's complaints about my passion for Grease songs... So I asked her to tell me more, tell me more."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a kitten that lost their tongue? Mew-t"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the network/IT man say to the doctor? IT hertz when IP."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the dinosaurs die out. They got ereptile dysfunction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just the one, because they are very efficient and they don't have a sense of humour."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once saw this guy walking down the road with a 15ft piece of fibre glass. I asked him \"Are you a Pole Vaulter?\" He answered \"Nein, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walther?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "If there's an Antartica, why isn't there an Uncle Artica 7 year old daughter just gave this to me as a joke and seriously cracked me up."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts! All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What rhymes with orange? No it doesn’t!I checked the last time this was posted was 3 months ago!Btw it’s my cakeday :)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is there no more curry in Afghanistan? Because there's a thali ban."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Nowadays there's too many musical instruments It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What was the favorite instrument of Stalin? Re-Percussion!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three chinese men applied for citizenship in USA They were accepted on the condition that they changed their names. Bu became Buck.Chu became Chuck.And Fu went back to China."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was in a cafe the other day... And I saw an unusual item on the menu: a duck sandwich. And I thought, how sad...Finally the duck is surrounded by bread, but in no position to enjoy it(Credit to the one and only Karl Chandler)"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower. I'm a transplant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A termite walks into a bar and asks, \"Is the bar tender here?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do owls say when they go trick or treating? Happy Owl-ween."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan? weird flecks, but okay."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A state trooper pulled along side a speeding driver and is shocked when he sees a elderly woman behind the wheel knitting. The trooper rolled down the window and yelled, \"Pull Over!\" \"No!\" yelled the woman, \"It's a cardigan!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "bank account: $1,400 has been deposited into your bank account **me, at Baskin Robbins:** give me Carol Baskin"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The Washington Redskins just officially announced they are retiring their team name and logo. The new team name is going to be the Washington Engines."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"You shouldn't have opened that box. Just sayin'\" \\-Epimetheus, husband to Pandora and god of hindsight, everyday for the rest of eternity"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples. So I guess I lost that pissing contest"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is it called to be stuck in a card game Solitairey confinement"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Welcome to cucumber club... “Is this your first time?\" \"Yes, I'm a newcumber ...\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bruce Willis has admitted to making an \"error of judgement\" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said... \"I see dead people.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to tenderuse young goats meat But everyone got upset when i told them i beat kids meat"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident. The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Coronavirus has its own YouTube channel now. Already 8,931,812 followers and counting."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old romanian joke that my grandfather keeps telling . During the communist era in Romania the Security (secret police) was like the heart of the country.They were just beating, and beating and beating."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Blonde walks into an elevator She sees her co worker Steve & says \"TGIF\". Steve has a puzzled look on his face and replies \"NSIT\". Ever more puzzled the blonde replies \"TGIF, thank God it's Friday\".  Steve then says \"NSIT, no stupid it's Thursday\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A cow and a cat are chatting in a field... ...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.  The cat walks off smarmily and says, \"Well, see you later, prime rib.\"  And the cow replies, \"Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A New tomb has been unearthed in Eqypt Archeologists found a mummy wrapped in gold foil and knew they had found the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen. It's mad cow disease."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I look forward to hearing Michelle Obama's speech again. At the 2020 RNC."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call extra skin on a pig’s penis? The boar skin."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They said I could never flood New York City with nitrous oxide. Who's laughing now?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you get when you hit a poodle with a bulldozer? A puddle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Former figure skater Michelle Kwan was caught by paparazzi, who took an unfortunate down-blouse pic. Nevertheless, it's a perfect example of both quality and Kwan titty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How does a mummy swallow food? Through their sarcophagus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love going to the beach, having a seat, and pull sand up to my crotch Makes the crabs feel more at home."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was out-standing in his field"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Crew Dragon rocket I guess the real joke will be in the comets."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you kill the ender dragon You ender"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service. I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Bob: Waiter, would you please come here? Waiter: Yes sir, how may I help you?  Bob: Try the soup  Waiter: Is there something wrong sir? Because if so, we can replace the soup    Bob: Just try it   Waiter: Okay, where's the spoon?   Bob: Exactly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the crowd boo at the comedian when he lost at boxing? He didn't use his punchline."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off But for some reason people call me pyromaniac"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A surgeon was fired after a botched vasectomy. Still got a severance package."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity. So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.Free of charge"}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, \"What's black and white and red all over?\" \"Wow\" I replied. \"You speak English?\"She replied, \"Just a riddle\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Do you know why the Reddit Dragon is yellow? It's got bananas for scales"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though, We have one song and it's band."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when your uncle’s wife tells you a joke? It becomes an anti-joke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Anthony Joshua 21 KOs, David Haye 26 KOs, Floyd Mayweather 27 KOs... Bill Cosby 30 KOs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman covered in pasta sauce takes a pregnancy test Turns out she's Prego"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses. I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Star Trek forum exists where Trekkies can debate additions to the universe's lore. It's called Prose and Khans."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White Out. I woke this morning with a huge correction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you know, the cave where Jesus was resurrected... contained a large quantity of hydrating body lotion?  He was moist-jew-rising."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A key that opens any lock is called a Skeleton Key. What do you call a lock that opens for any key? A shitty lock."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do cross dressers fall slowly? Because of the drag."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences. “Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?” One student raises their hand,“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it's a non-prophet organization."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered."}
{"character": "random", "line": "At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn't any good, but now I stand corrected."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I ask my dad if he's all right he replies, No, I'm half left.'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's a good thing about a novelist conman? He may have a lot of cons, but he also has a lot of prose."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard They misheard the words *serene dijon*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always said that I would never ever go walking dark scary tunnels in the earth. But eventually I caved."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam? He called it Wildlife Preserve."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, \"How was your journey?\"The baby mosquito replied, \"It went great, everyone was clapping for me!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Russian family always ate very bland food. However, one day they invited their Mexican neighbor over for dinner. When little Ivan asked his Babushka while their food tasted so much more flavorful, she replied: Jesus is the reason for the season."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year. Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does me and NASA have in common We both want to colonize Uranus."}
{"character": "random", "line": "was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: \"I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?\" Waiter: \"You can get the hell out of here\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really feel like having some pancakes... maybe I don't...I just can't stop waffling."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between Stevie Wonder and Drake? Stevie has a legitimate reason why he hasn't seen his children."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake. Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "You can’t plant flowers... ...if you haven’t botany."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Buddy of mine was complaining about work, having a hard time dealing with his two aides. I said tell me about it, I just got my third hepatitis."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I really hate Norton’s security software... ...but please don’t call me anti-Symantec"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I am thinking of making a cover band of Beatles without the drums. I would name it The Beatles with an extra 's'."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ? Pallbears."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying. It means 75% of them are running around untreated!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A solid joke A scientist is studying the three states of matter.The scientist then makes an amazing discovery, the scientist in the other room then walks in, he asks \"What's the matter?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A science teacher tells his class... \"Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1774.\" A blonde student responds, \"Thank God I was born after 1774! Otherwise I would have died without it.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough I’m a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more... The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.—————————————————————*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Just figured out that ghosts are . . . . . people who died trying to fold a fitted sheet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Cat Cousins (OC) Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin?He followed lynx in his family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a rabbit with fleas? ... Bugs bunny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why are writers really good at coding? Because they are really into Pro grammar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My brother became a step father to a teenage girl, and I found her throwaway reddit account and she's answering all sorts of questions right now. That's a niece on alt AMA."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost. it left no tern unstoned."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y’know, one would have been enough."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man told his wife he wanted to try out something new in bed that he had seen on the internet. They started making love as normal, then all of a sudden he froze and stayed perfectly still.  His wife asked him what the hell he was doing.  The man replied, \"Apparently it's called buffering.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the only natural thing that can be an actor? The rock!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Three reason why I love you like I love my toaster: (1) You’re hot (2) You make me food ... (3) I want to take a bath with you"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a parking lot with only two spaces It’s really a parking little."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Typically when a woman is really beautiful, what does her husband do? His wife."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A tramp, seeking shelter on a freezing night, knocks on George and the Dragon Inn. A hefty lady answers the door and her expletives send him scampering. Desperate, he tries again minutes later. \"May... may I speak to George, please?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer? Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Such an unfair world, when a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $5.00/min (charges may vary)."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek? A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating... One Student: \"Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A man walks into a library... Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I'm not sure we have it or not."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today.>!It's becoming a real problem at the traffic lights I'm afraid to say!<"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said \"36C\" She proceeded to slap my face and said \"What the hell is wrong with you?!\"My response was \"Why the hell would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is Saturday stronger than Monday? Monday is a weak day"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls... ...So now he has fiber optics."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important."}
{"character": "random", "line": "When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof I was shocked!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "15 When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why should you always knock on a refrigerator door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? If they fell forward they'd still be in the boat."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the holiest chord to play? The G sus although most priests prefer A minor"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink. Liberty."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do wizzards eat at the beach? A sandwitch"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life. Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the ants wait until the bear's favourite song came on before stealing his jelly? Because nobody would understand what was going on when he yelled \"YO! THAT'S MY JAM!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is every American receiving a $1200 check? Because Trump always pay off the people he's fucked."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit. People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is the similarity between me and an experiment involving a biased coin with two tails? The probability of getting a head is zero."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why shouldn't you carry too many bottles of Jack Daniels? It's pretty whiskey; you might drop one.-------------------My 8 year old daughter came up with this one, I've been helping her tune it. How did we do?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself. I'm lack-toes intolerant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder... ... so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic... ...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg."}
{"character": "random", "line": "2 flies are playing soccer on a plate. One says to the other \"you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?\" They replied... “You better check your junk.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a Kangaroo with bad manners? Kangarude"}
{"character": "random", "line": "BREAKING NEWS: Missing Child Spotted With Pied Piper Of Hamelin More to follow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Jimmy Carr was once on Top Gear, and was (for a time) the fastest star in a reasonably priced car. Which is ironic, because that is what all the hookers in L.A. called him, too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Which country has the fastest growing capital city? Ireland, it's Dublin every year."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How many seconds are in a year? . January nd, February nd, March nd, April nd.... etc"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Beggars are like mosquitos... You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "This year, thousands of children made Santa's Naughty List. How many children made the Nice List? 69,420"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Toronto Raptors: We are the only sports team named after a dinosaur! New Orleans Pelicans and Atlanta Hawks: Well technically -"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time. I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was illegally hunting for mushrooms. I have questionable morels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see? The chicken sees a salad!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead. I hope to become a bouillionaire!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "An old man is walking around with his zipper opened. His wife notices and turns to him and tells him to zip up his zipperWhich he relpies, \"Why? What cant get up can't get out.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "My nieces asked me to kill a wasp for them... I told the that that's a feature of \"Uncle Premium\" and their attitudes only get them the basic subscription!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What type of toilets do pirates prefer? Port-a-potties.I'll sea myself out."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to hide your important files from people without making Hidden folders 1. Go to your Desktop and make a new folder named Internet Explorer2. Change the folder's icon to Internet Explorer3. Keep it in your favorite corner of the desktopNow, no one will open internet explorer!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark Any darker and the police might actually do something about it"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend: Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment. Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where to go for a city break in the south of France? Let's go somewhere Nice"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is Robert Kraft's favorite football play? The rub and tug in the end zone."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties? Because they are formyl group."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace.\" \"Really? That old chestnut?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell? Reptile Dysfunction"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives. I think I’m allergic to Peanuts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "An owl has taken control of my elderly mothers estate recently I guess that’s the power of a tawny"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My girlfriend broke up with me. So I took her wheel chair and... Guess who came crawling back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a drunken sailor? Hard to Port."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Husband: You should learn to embrace your mistakes. \\*Wife gives him a tight hug immediately\\*"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish? A cool clux clam."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I lost my hair years ago, but i still carry my comb. I just can’t part with it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19? Because he has Santa-bodies."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi."}
{"character": "random", "line": "In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My son has his BA and his MA-but his PA still supports him."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? \"Hey there bud!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why is no one friends with Dracula? He's a pain in the neck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa."}
{"character": "random", "line": "RIP, boiling water. You will be mist."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My dog is a genius. I asked him, \"What's two minus two?\" He said nothing."}
{"character": "random", "line": "introducing my gf to my family me: this is my gf, amandaamanda: himy wife: what the fuck"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Somewhere over Belarus a pilot just had a radio call Pilot to crew: We are requested to land immediately. Please prepare the cabin.Crew: Why, what is happening?Pilot: Threat of an explosive.Cew: What? What explosive?!Pilot: The one they will fire at us if we don't."}
{"character": "random", "line": "People ask me how I feel about having never caught a heron I tell them, \"I have no egrets.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas? Because they weren't getting a square meal."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says \"Okay, you man the guns.  I'll drive.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen. \"Dave…\" shouted my wife. \"Come away from the pond.\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why couldn't the quadrilateral comb out her daughters hair? Because it was a wrecked tangle"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it It's an armadildo."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I kept adding my input, saying that this channel wasn’t really a good one. But it didn’t work. I then realized that my tv was bad at reading signals"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why didn't the fisherman make it as a rapper? His lines were okay, but his hooks were debaitable."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Roses are red, violet's are blue When I listen to rock music. My neighbours do too."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter? More-soup-y’all?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Spin the Bottle When I was a kid, all of us kids played 'Spin the bottle'. A girl would spin the bottle. If it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.By the time I was 16, I owned my own house..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "\"Dad, look, I'm Sherlock Holmes' sidekick.\" \"You're what, son?"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Are you a baby crocodile? Cos yo momma weighs 400 pounds."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I once met a girl who confused a tube of KY Jelly with super glue I asked her how it happened, but sadly her lips were sealed."}
{"character": "random", "line": "How to Order Soup A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, \"I think I will have the turtle soup.\"The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, \"Hold the turtle, make it pea!\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "The police raided my house and found dynamite, wire and a detonator with a plunger Eyes welling with tears, I begged, “PLEASE don’t press charges!”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Today I realized my most enlightening appliance is my alarm clock. Everytime it goes off, I get woke."}
{"character": "random", "line": "China and reddit's societies are similar Opinions aren't allowed"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The easiest way to not have enemies is to outlive them In the end, time wounds all heels."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I pushed a fan over It blew up"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert? He had to resort to excessive violins."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can't believe its pancake day again already.. It's really créped up on me!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My first time using the elevator... was an uplifting experience.The second time let me down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”. I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My printer has started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille. It’s giving me Goosebumps"}
{"character": "random", "line": "My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well... I think they deserve a raise."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do Tv and American schools have in common? there weren't any colours until the 60s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear the news about Microsoft retiring Internet Explorer in 2022? I don’t know about you, but I’m on edge over it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!! Non Fungible Tolkien’s"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I wanted to use a paper map when sightseeing but my girlfriend insisted on using her phone It was my way or the Huawei."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The high prices in the stores are like a cheap circumcision... A rip-off"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection After all, no one wants a hung jury"}
{"character": "random", "line": "The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot. I asked him \"what the fuck did you do that for?\"He replied \"I'm sick to death of him following me around all day\"."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts... ... It makes no cents."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My wife locked me outside the house coz she got tired of my wordplay jokes I texted her \"Oh Pun the door\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "A chick asked me for a meal I told her i don't serve food."}
{"character": "random", "line": "They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all? A swinger."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when you take the shell away from a snail? It becomes sluggish"}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas. But it’s still up in the air."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Have you heard the one about the electrician making a mistake I hear it's shocking"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A blonde is sitting next to a brunette on a plane. She turns to the dark haired woman and asks, \"Where are you from?\" The brunette haughtily replies, \"I'm from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition.\"The blonde pauses for a second and then asks, \"Where are you from, bitch?\""}
{"character": "random", "line": "I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That’s just nuts!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I? Ugly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organized"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you."}
{"character": "random", "line": "One night an airplane was burglarized, and all the toilet paper was stolen. When the police came to investigate, their report was inconclusive, because they had nothing to go on."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We'll see about that..."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What's the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Q: Why is the cow always smiling? A: It's in a good mooood I guess."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five"}
{"character": "random", "line": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean."}
{"character": "random", "line": "6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family."}
{"character": "random", "line": "We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring."}
{"character": "random", "line": "What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old."}
{"character": "random", "line": "A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Where do armies belong? In your sleeves."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless."}
{"character": "random", "line": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."}
{"character": "random", "line": "I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg."}